I was looking forward to dating again. I don’t know why. I know I don’t want a relationship right now. I know this because for the past eight months my life has been incredibly peaceful. I’ve been single for two years, really. But I allowed my ex-husband to maintain contact with me for part of that two years out of guilt. Because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Even though his presence was always accompanied by unnecessary chaos. I knew he would be angry if I cut him out of my life, so I allowed him access to me. Until one day I finally decided I was more important than his feelings and I cut him off for good. Blocked him on everything and never looked back.

Shortly after that happened I was invited on a weekend trip with my younger brother and his friends. We had never traveled together before. I admit I can be very particular, so entering into something unknown usually causes me a bit of anxiety. I was nervous about taking the trip. Traveling with other adults can usually come with its own drama and quarrels. But this specific trip taught me a valuable lesson that actually ended up making a huge impact on my life moving forward.

It consisted of four adults. Myself, my brother, his friend and his friend’s wife. Just four adults who had never traveled together before. We went to dinners, wine tastings, sight seeing, and a music festival. There were trying times where we got lost or we didn’t know how the trolley worked. But there was no drama. No passive aggressive remarks. No walking on eggshells. It was a very pleasant and low stress vacation. I felt safe and relaxed. I ended up having a wonderful time. So wonderful that it was almost a year ago and I’m still talking about it now.

I just realized, I started off this entry talking about my dating life. And I really thought I was going to tell a story about the first dates I had recently gone on and how I came to realize that going on these dates I’m actually not ready to date. But when I write, I usually just start writing and allow my thoughts to flow naturally and release whatever may be lying beneath the surface. In this instance I recognize that I am still working on nervous system regulation. I started with the intention of writing about dating in midlife. My subconscious veered off into reminding myself that I am safe and that there are people in my life that prove to me I am safe.

This is also one of the reasons I have concluded to myself that I probably need more time. Not for healing. I don’t think we ever completely heal from trauma. But more time to feel peaceful independently of another person in my life. I lived in survival mode for such a long time and I was not even aware of it. All I knew was that I was afraid most days and I would do anything to keep any form of peace.

After finding the courage to leave my marriage I began to learn about nervous system regulation. There were several things that helped me to regulate my nervous system and trust myself again. One of those tools is something I have always loved to do, which is writing. I have always journaled, written poetry and short stories since I was a very young girl. The difference between then and now is that I never shared my writing with anyone. I was too afraid. For now it is still intimidating to share personal thoughts and stories with strangers. But I’m no longer afraid. I am learning that I am safe to be seen and heard. It is safe to be me.

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I can remember only a few short months ago. I just moved into a new apartment after a very difficult year. I was sitting on my couch looking around at the emptiness that I would need to eventually fill with furniture, artwork, photos, and other things to make this a home. It was overwhelming at the time. I remember sitting on my couch staring off into the distance and thinking to myself, “I don’t remember the last time I was happy.”

The realization instantly caused me to panic. I had just been going through the motions of my life day to day. Get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, go to bed. How much time had I wasted like this?

I was stuck in survival mode and I didn’t even realize it. I would meet up with my friends and I remember being there physically, but feeling like a shell of a person. I would participate in conversation. But I didn’t really feel anything. I didn’t feel the need to laugh or to share. Honestly, half the time I was just thinking about how quickly I could get back home. The other half of the time I would make an excuse not to go and stay home altogether.

I don’t really know why I allowed myself to go on like this for months. I don’t know if I was punishing myself for the life that I was mourning. My marriage, my relationship, and the future I imagined, but would no longer live out.

Looking back, it’s crazy for me to think about the person I was those few months ago. That version of me feels lightyears away. For the first time in a very long time, actually for the first time in my entire life I can say that I finally feel safe.

I realize a lot of my decisions in life that eventually led to problems were because I didn’t feel safe. I was afraid so much of the time. Afraid to make the wrong decisions, afraid to disappoint someone, afraid I was going to make someone mad.

I spent my entire life putting other people’s comfort ahead of my own. I don’t even know why I did this. I always credited myself for being easy going and agreeable. I learned early on that keeping the peace was much easier than voicing how I feel. Now I can see how I was doing myself a major disservice.

Once I stopped abandoning my own needs, things slowly started to change for me. I started saying no without feeling guilty about it. I stopped trying to keep everyone else comfortable at my own expense. I stopped holding onto people who clearly didn’t value me.

Little by little things started to shift. For the first time in my life I am building confidence. And in gaining this confidence I am finally trusting my intuition.

As I sit on my couch now in my still half furnished apartment (I’m slowly making progress), my cat lying next to me, the lamp dimly lighting one corner of my living room. I can hear crickets chirping outside my window. I hear the squeak of my neighbor’s fence and the soft chatter of people walking by. I am present in my life. I am no longer on autopilot. I am noticing every detail and I am truly appreciating it.

A few months ago I was sitting in this exact same spot trying to remember the last time I was happy. Now, I go out with friends and I feel seen and heard and most importantly, loved. I am hopeful for each day and I am loving my beautiful, peaceful life. Not because everything is perfect. But because I am finally living for me.

Not that there is anything wrong with those things. There isn’t. We are all on our own path, and we all cope with the challenges life brings us in different ways.

Last year I went through a divorce, and it was messy. Not the divorce itself, but all of the emotions it brought to the surface of my life. I can say with complete honesty that I was not fully prepared for what it would mean for me.

I wasn’t drinking matchas and going to Pilates. I wasn’t traveling the world and sipping martinis with the girls. I didn’t get a makeover or reinvent my wardrobe.. although it’s not too late for any of those things.

What happened instead was spending a lot of time alone. In that silence, I was forced to examine my life more honestly. Not just my marriage, but all the relationships I had tolerated for years simply because they were familiar.

People I overextended myself for. People who took me for granted. People who only reached out when they needed something from me. Living through my marriage helped me recognize patterns of unhealthy relationships that I had normalized out of habit for years.

That was the part that felt most isolating.

It was painful, confusing, and honestly one of the hardest seasons of my life. But it also taught me more about myself than anything ever has. Looking back now, I wouldn’t change any of it.

Some people in my life may see my marriage as a mistake. But I see it as an experience that opened my eyes and transformed the way I move through the world and the way I view relationships moving forward.

Gaining the strength to walk away forced me to stop abandoning myself. To stop ignoring my intuition. To stop trying to earn love by overextending myself.

If I hadn’t gone through this, I would not be who I am now: A version of myself I am proud of. A version of myself who is open, more confident, hopeful, and patient. A version of myself who is actually present in her own life. A version of myself who loves herself so deeply that receiving love from others now feels natural instead of a burden.

I know there are other women out there waiting for permission to make the hard decisions. Afraid because others may not understand. Disappointed because instead of a dreamy glow-up, there may first be a period of grief, confusion, loneliness, or feeling like a failure.

I need those women to know they are not alone.

And one year later, here I am.

Taking chances I never would have dreamed of before. Truly loving and appreciating my life. Surrounding myself with people who value me instead of relationships I feel obligated to maintain out of history or habit.

For the first time in a long time, I feel present in my own life again.

And somewhere along the way, I actually did end up trying pilates.

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