i wasn’t originally planning on penning anything stockholm related here but the weekend went in such a way i felt like getting some words down after all. i find myself, as this MAMA, I’M plays in my headphones, thinking about how this weekend even came to be.. it all started with an answered DM..

last year, i came to stockholm to document the half marathon for an eventual project.. i knew no one in the city and no other photographers.. but i got a dm from someone welcoming me to stockholm..

they would go on to become a familiar face in my life and my connection to this city. and even during that trip were kind enough to send over a welcome gift to the city. it would be the beginning of a friendship that lead to my desire to want to return to this city. so earlier this year i signed up.. which brings us to being here now.

that one dm lead to inviting friends from dc to join me.. it opened up an invite to dinner with adidas, a shakeout with fast track, a local crew w/ adidas.. coffee with calum and his mrs, a solo walk about town, the opportunity to bring friends to the adidas hub on race day to amplify our experience but also hide out from the rain.. it lead to seeing paul again, make new friends and introduce different sides of my life to one another.. in retrospect, it’s all i really want out of life. running, good people and a feeling of making my world smaller and smaller.

stockholm as a city is still one i feel like i’m very much learning my way around, both culturally and geographically. it’s made up of all these little islands and a main land.. it’s layered within itself and hilly in a way that isn’t really something i expected before ever visiting. this trip provided the chance to do more exploring and i found myself standing still at times in utter awe of the city.

being able to explore is something i will always take the time to do. but i’m not always keen for a museum or a gallery or to learn the history of a place in a “tourist” way.. i want to sit down at dinner with the people who call it home and learn about it that way. i don’t ever plan to only visit a place once (it happens though) so i suppose i naturally want to explore and just find things or be directed by a local. i’ve never been one to feel like i HAVE to see something.. there’s places i’ve called home where i didnt see everything, so i never feel that need while traveling.. but still i want to be on foot for as much as possible.

i’m not against the above, it’s just not my first idea.. i get more joy out of seeing the way light hits a building at sunset, the view of the water, details on the side of a building. i want to explore the texture of a city, not the guided side of it. that being said.. next time i go back, i will hit a museum, ok?

this season of life and being able to revealed to me things about myself i would have never imagined for myself… for instance, last year after the copenhagen half i decided to take the train to berlin.. it was oddly so enjoyable and satisfying in a way that made me want to do the same on this trip. with a few days to spare before needing to be elsewhere later this week, i decided to book a train to copenhagen.. which for the record i did so by going to the physical train station and talking to a human who helped me pick the best option and idk why i like that but i do..

even with that, i did so before the half marathon yesterday because btw.. the race does not start until 3;30pm.. apparently it’s to allow for morning traffic to not be interrupted and to allow for the warming weather to arrive being that it is the end of summer.. which for us really made no difference as it rained all day. but even then i sort of love that it happened that way.

i don’t wanna say too much about this part because i’m not sure if it’s my story to tell but i paced my friend hannah through the half which was unlike anything i’ve ever experience on a race day and it just meant a lot to me.. what made it even more enjoyable was running in the rain.. care free.. no phone, no gps watch.. just vibes and the goal of making sure she made it from start to finish.. it allowed me to focus only on her but it was important to me to not crowd her space or her experience which for those moments i found myself taking it all in… the views, the city.. the lush green foliage.. the crowds.. i have not a single photo or video of myself from the race but in a way i feel like i’ll remember more because that.

anyways sorry.. back to the train ride.. i have this theory about life and the things we see and it’s this idea of “it’s so boring it’s beautiful.” - as in these moments, just staring out a train.. there’s a version of me who probably would have one day thought that was boring.. but not me today.. i think it’s beautiful. i think it’s wild to me that i’ve seen a random red house or barn on the countryside in sweden and i did so because i happen to ask a stranger for help with a ticket and end up on that side.. of which i was even in the country in the first place this go around because i answered a dm from someone i didn’t know a year ago..

i think it’s insane and beautiful that i saw cows grazing on the swedish countryside and took a picture and sent it to someone… the fact that all happened is beautiful to me.. it means a lot. sure “euro summer” and all that but.. i’m less of a look at me i’m in europe and more of “look at these cows in a field” kind of “euro summer” person.. am i alone there? i don’t think i am but it’s ok if i am.

i just think it’s all beautiful.. i think traveling the world with friends is special. i think running in a city i’m not from is beautiful. i think seeing people do things they didn’t think they could do is beautiful. i think spending time with friends in town from berlin is beautiful. i think meeting new run crews and community leaders is beautiful. i think all of this is beautiful.. the city, the fields.. the cows grazing.. the window on my train crossing from sweden to denmark.. it’s kind of raining but then it’s also sunny.. i think that’s beautiful.. i’m gonna cry sorry.

those are just my thought’s.. i think we’re pulling in to the city now so i need to close my laptop now and get my things sorted… sorry, i just wanted to get this out. sorry if it makes no sense.. but i think that’s also beautiful ya know? honesty?… and how it all happened because i opened a dm??? damn.

no worries if not.

talk soon. x.

carl.

a couple weeks back, i had these feelings about these moments in my life that i couldn’t explain.. the ones that i’d never plan for. then i found myself wondering if i was alone.. so i told myself to write about it.. naturally. but like everything i write ever, i needed a title. i simply cannot move forward on anything without one. then on my last night in chicago, while staying at the nobu hotel in chicago (which was beautiful btw) i found myself exhausted and not in the mood to travel far but also, i just wanted some sushi. so i made my way to the bar.. a little asleep from the half nap i found myself in just moments prior.. i find my seat at the bar, furthest seat on the left side.. i order a few bites, a coke zero.. and moments later, i noticed the bartender drop a plate to the person to my right, a chair between us.. as they walked away, the person to my right asked them for some soy sauce.. seeing i had some sat right in front of me, i picked it up and said, “here ya go sir!” they turn to face me, extend out their left hand and said “oh! thanks man!” and it was flippen scottie pippen! 33.. CHICAGO BULL PIPPEN.. 90’s kid me instantly freaks out inside.. “no problem at all!” and then the rest of the night unfolded.. we chatted about the dodgers game in front of us.. we talked about nothing important and it for the most part was incredibly anti-climactic.. but it was one of the coolest moments on my chicago trip.. and none of it was planned. but it gave me my title for this piece.. and so here we are, talking about the moments between the moments that i love so much.

during the run, there was this moment.. i think the guys were like 20 something miles outside of the city.. and the team inside the support vehicle sent through they were doing a chipotle order.. and then moments later, the whole crew was just sat on the side of the road, next to a path just eating chipotle, yapping about nothing. it was beautiful. everyone was so tired, the boys were digging deep to finish their 100 miler.. it was unplanned & yet it was everything to me.. i just don’t know how you put a price on something like that..

these two moments in chicago, were two of a few but they are standouts in a world where i feel like i’m just floating from moment to moment as of late. it’s not quite that i’m aiming for this moments. i know and love a good walk around a new town exploring and seeing what you get in to or up to. the random bar you find yourself in after dinner while in paris.. for me, i’m trying to understand it so i’ve landed on it’s these moments i would have never scripted. for instance, i would have never said to nol’ & lu.. “what if along the way, we stop and eat chipotle outside on a bike path?” - like that’s just not “spontanius” to me.. it’s more so on accident. it’s this feeling of “huh?” that i get in these moments i find myself in.. but i think i’ve always been headed towards this.. but it started with a film that’s 20 years old..

in Match Point, Jonathan Rhys Meyers character, Chris Wilton has just arrived in London and is finding his way.. new apartment, new job.. at the four minute mark, there’s this scene of him sitting inside a restaurant, alone.. just reading a magazine. that scene, all of six seconds has had such an impact on me for twenty years.. there’s such a feeling of comfort within him.. completely satisfied, focused on what’s in front of him.. he’s got a plate of food, a drink and a magazine.. when i think about that scene today, it serves a reminder to just be where you are. to fully be aware of the moment. to be able to recall the simple things.. it would later be the inspiration for a photo i titled in my book, “i love you, prove me wrong” titled “alone but not lonely” - i think one of the reasons i find these moments so specific and capable of being recalled is because i never imagined i be in them, so it’s as if my brain records the information in to a different hard drive in my brain…

in 2016, i adopted this concept around photo walks i would take, i’d say “take a left, where you usually go right..” it was this idea of taking the long way home.. granted be safe of course but more of a metaphor for going beyond the exploration.. and at times i forget my own advice.. for example, this past may i was in copenhagen and i had gone to a class at sauna 85.. i loved it so much, i went back the next day.. but this time, the friend who joined me, suggested we bike back to the city center a different way. as a result, we found a moment to stop by the water, a spot in the city i had yet to come across.. and while the screen shot below may not do it justice.. there was just this feeling in the air of that moment that was made all that more special by not planning for it. it then inspired me to walk that way the very next day for a little time offline.. and that day ended up being cloud covered and a bit misty.. it was as if the universe was telling me you just can’t plan for the good stuff.

i’m fully aware there’s no sort of originality here but i suppose i’m more so just trying to express how important these moments are and how i hope others may find the joy in these kinds of moments.. again, it’s less spontaneity and more about finding joy in the moments you could never plan.. like..

1. the way splitting a small plates dinner feels and you and the person you’re having dinner with teasingly fight over the last bite

2. seeing something funny in public and having a moment with a stranger who also saw it and you share a laugh

3. the way the light hits on a building at golden hour that you’ve never seen before while on a bike ride and so you turn around to take a picture of it but the moment is already gone so it’s too late and it feels like no one will believe you so you just don’t even take a photo

4. seeing your friend run a race and the reaction they give you at different points in the race

5. coming across a flavor of soda you’ve never seen before because you’re in a different country and you don’t actually know the name of the corner store you’re in and you don’t really know how it ended up there but you buy it because you feel like you’ll never see it again.

6. seeing your friend smile because good things are happening in their life..

7. randomly coming across an old t-shirt you haven’t worn in a while and all of a sudden it becomes the only tee you wear at home for the next week

8. being served a video that is so specific it makes you laugh so much your belly hurts.

9. when you step outside in the morning and the weather just lets you know it’s going to be a good day.

10. rewatching the same movie for the 10th time and realizing you missed a part.

11. the perfect amount of morning fog and mist on a run in october that you never see again so it feels like you made it up in your mind

i know you can’t plan for a lot of these moments but for me i know a lot of them come from just existing.. and the best moments in my opinion come when i let others lead.. it’s to the point now where in a couple of my upcoming trips where i know i’ll see friends and people i know, i’m giving myself a day there without being there.. basically before you let the internet know you’re there, you just exist on your own.. (i know i know) - but this for me allows me the chance to go do all things i want to do and plan for, the dinner i want to try.. before being able to just “be” and let the world happen and have those chipotle on the bike path moments without realizing it is going to be a moment.

there are however exceptions to this that started off as unplanned moments that become moments.. for instance.. there’s this pier in nyc that at the end of it has a fence.. i was running there with a friend once and they said out of nowhere, “you always gotta touch the fence” - i thought at the time, it was so funny because “why?” lol.. but it was something that just happened and now every time i run that pier i touch the fence.. which leads to the chance to take a photo and send without context.. say nothing while saying everything, ya know?

i suppose in reality life lately just feels like a series of unplanned, un-duplicatable moments without doing it for the aura or the plot.. it’s purely just a result of being there in that moment without planning.. take for example, this shadow in the sky and fog, taken at 5:01am on november 11th, 2024.. now i have been around the monument more times than i can count.. i’ve seen more photos of it than maybe one person should.. but yet.. until that moment, i had never seen this.. no one we were with had.. and yet, it happened and we saw it because we were just existing.. we did not plan for it.. it’s a moment i could never have written because it’s something i’d have never imagined..

there’s this scene in the Mr & Mrs Smith show on amazon that i think about often.. this part is worth the watch and it’s had a massive impact on me.. i think about it often and its shaped in so many ways my lens on the world.. this whole concept on social media around “aura” and aura farming.. this concept of “doing it for the gram” - has given me this love hate relationship with even being online.. and now so often i find myself so curious of the intentions behind something.. i find myself wanting to know, is this real or did you do this for the internet? how much of you online is genuine?

i think often about the space that running has played in my life and the role of community leads, run club leaders.. brand builders.. i know so many who have done it for so many beautiful reasons and then there are those who want to make sure the camera is rolling before they speak, they want that voiceover clip, the “visual” of them leading but often times, its a performance, it’s planned.. there’s nothing candid about it.. i want the opposite of that in my life.. i want less cameras on me but at the same time, i want a picture of me to send home to my parents, to text my crush.. so keep my friends updated online.. but where is that line?

what made that moment on the bike path outside chicago feel so pure, especially the photo of Osc laying down is it was just pure exhaustion.. no one had their phone out before hand.. it just felt so casual.. those are the ones i want in my life.. but then again.. i think about that song “comfortable” by john mayer.. where he says “she poses for pictures that aren’t being taken..” and i find that such an adorable characteristic but at the same time it makes me hesitant in their intentions. i know somebody might say it’s not that deep and maybe you’re right but.. i’m just saying..ok?

ok.. the above was supposed to be the end and i was trying to get this out yesterday for a little sunday night read and then my day basically became a nightmare.. but one i had to just laugh at..i had been planning to wake up on sunday morning, go photograph a friend doing a track workout before my 9:30am flight.. then at midnight my flight gets cancelled, i panic.. no flights available until monday.. not wanting to spend another day on the rode, needing to get back i booked a train instead for 7:50am.. i make it to the station on time.. but no cafe open.. so we board the train, but by 8:30 we haven’t left yet.. turns out the train is broken.. they try to fix it.. they attempt to take off but it doesn’t work.. back to the station.. by 9:45am, we’re still in rhode island.. they tell us they are going to send another train.. but not sure when it’s taking off from boston.. they tell is it may be an hour.. and to just hang tight.. so.. needing coffee and having plenty of time, i decide to get off the train, make my way outside the station and find some.. and as a result, i just get some extra time in a city i’ve never been in, providence.. i saw the state capitol.. i went for a walk.. it was a moment that had no business happening but it did.. and i would have never planned for it.. and i sort of love that my flight was cancelled.. which also meant i got to stumble upon this hand rail that i would have totally kickflip to bs crooked in THPS if there was a providence level.

oh and as a result, by the time i arrived in DC, i got to see my friend will as a result and see his article in the washingtonian as a newly minted, “style setter” in washington dc.. and it was cool to see your friend in a magazine but it was even cooler to see my friend smile because good things are happening in their life.. ya know?

talk soon. x.

carl.

ps.. this is the state capitol in rhode island at .5, 1x, 2x & 5x from the same spot fwiw.

alright.. what we’re gonna do this issue is talk about tastes and interests.. but i think it’s worth having some context first.. none of which i write, do i believe is the “right” way or the answer.. i think maybe more than ever before it’s important to understand that you can like what YOU like, regardless of what any blog or algorithm tells you to like or not like.. this discourse around hating on an item that a lot of people like just to offer other items doesn’t feel helpful.. for me, its the same thing i grew up with in the music scene around emo/post hard core.. once a band got popular, their was this energy around “everyone likes this band, but I like this band” - cool! i still like the other band though.. it all feels sophmoric in my opinion.

you can like the oakley eye jackets and also like district vision and also like always in motion and also like sonny and also like a brand no one in your network has heard of.. i think sometimes there’s a difference in preference being mistaken for “good” or “bad” when it comes to what folks tell you to like or stay away from.. maybe i’m out of touch, maybe i don’t have a clue.. maybe because i didn’t run track in college i have no clue what i’m talking about.. or maybe because i’m not a sub 3-hour marathon runner, i have no legitimacy.. or maybe people just don’t like me so i have no real taste.. but what i am certain of, is far too often in this space, there’s a dislike of a brand because they don’t feel seen by that brand.. the amount of times i have talked to people about a brand they don’t like only to see them gassing them up once that brand gives them attention is beyond keeping track of.. it’s ok to not like something because you don’t like it.. it’s also beyond ok to like whatever you like… not everything has to be for you nor serve you.. i don’t know maybe i’m wrong, maybe i have no clue.. or maybe i’m just annoyed with this energy around who owns what in any space.. but enough of me being an old man shouting at the sky.. let’s talk taste and interests in a few categories as of late… again.. these are my opinions.. not the law..because whatever i say is not royal ocean..

RUNNING: it feels like an “of course” to start here but

1. 9TSEVEN x New Balance - starting here so i can make sure i get this on record without any confusion.. in my personal opinion, this Danish crew and brand will prove to be one of the most referenced identities in the sport of running for years to come. I think what they did with this launch is only just a small taste of what they can do while also being really well done. To know this crew now for going on 18 months, it feels really cool to see them getting love around the internet more and more. to see them operate irl is to see that they know exactly who they are and who they are for. they keep their energy directed on right in front of them while at the same time being welcoming for anyone to join them along the way. i think they are the most important brand in running right now.. and i am very excited to see where they go from here.

   

   

2. shoes in general: I am no expert but this is just what i like. - up front, i’ll just say that my faorite brand to run in these days is saucony. wether it be “slow’ days, fast days, longer runs.. whatever.. i find myself just wanting to actually reach for them. yes i do get to work with them on projects but paid or not.. i’m reaching for saucony. that being said, i have been lucky enough to find myself on a few folks radar where they are willing to gift their shoes and as of late, while in this season of running to run while working towards a half marathon in stockholm, i’ve ennjoyed being able to wear a few different shoes to see A. how they feel but also, B. provide any information of advice to friends or strangers who have questions.. in Chicago recently, i got to wear the hyperboost edge.. i found them to be a little different in terms of return you get from strike but ultimately, i’ve put a few runs in them and not had a single bad run. so for me, i could see myself running in this pair until they’ve run their course..

   hylo also sent over their new impact 2, which at the time of writing this, i have no logged a single mile in, but the style of the shoe off first glance, is one i can see myself wear casually or feel comfortable in for a few miles before coffee with friends. i did however make one change and swapped the laces for some off white laces from a different brand.

   in may earlier this year i bought a pair of norda shoes and have basically worn them as my day to day shoe probably 87% of the time since then.. recently they released new colors and new styles and imo, they just are not missing whatsoever. i do however believe that while for anyone who is a fan of salomon xt-6 or a keen or northface, even merrell as their daily “gorp” shoe, this will probably find that same audience and fans.. but to be clear, i think the xt-6 is one of the best shoes over the last decade.. and there is nothing un-cool about it. i always imo looks great and i think it’s hear to stay.. again, do not let fashion blogs or any “think piece” content tell you otherwise.. it’s not “lame now” nor will it ever be. just like what you like.. but also.. if you like that, try norda..

   

   

   

3. Merrell in general: while in paris, i got to spend some time documenting their show room and photographing a seeding event. in the meantime, i found myself really diving in to what they have coming and what’s on their radar. it actually was the kick-off to my “everything” series that has been really fun for me creatively. but.. in general, i found myself really excited by what they have coming up.. especially in the trail space. i’m hoping to pick up a few of the pieces from this set but would most of all, i just think it’s fun to watch this brand evolve and grow more and more in the space they want to occupy.

   

4. wearing the same thing but a different same thing: - ok, i know that makes no sense but let me explain.. basically i have this goal (i don’t always reach it) of looking the same forever. i want to look back on a photo of myself from 2020 and feel like i’d still wear that today.. and i want a photo of myself today to be the same thing i wear in 2032.. but at the same time..i want to wear a different off-black, charcoal tee.. but i want it to be the same? ya know? part of this is being comfortable that if you’re a “fit check” person, people may quietly whisper to themself.. “they always wear that.” for some reason.. lol. but while i want “different” half tights from 28 club, pas normal, and bareen - they all are the same and that’s ok.. they’re different.. yes.. but the same.. but then also, the new tights from keep winning..while red.. feel like the navy 28 tights.. in that it’s the same look.. its more so the idea of a half tight.. i’ve been in them for a decade plus and i’ll probably always choose them. i want the same tee basically.. in that this tee from 3sixteen while different than this tee from brut.. they feel the same.. which gives me the same look.. i think i just want to never have to worry about what to wear but also don’t want a steve jobs outfit (no shade to the goat) but also, this still feels like a uniform?

   

5. running in long sleeves all the time: layering or not, i believe the most comfortable i am on a run is in a pair of half tights and a long sleeve tee or a lightweight jacket.. it just feels like the most comfortable fit imo. not to mention it helps with uv protection while out on a run. as of late, i have really enjoyed a monochrome look in a white tee white long sleeve or a darker layer with a darker tee. again.. kind of trying to stay in the uniform framework while still being able to tell the difference between pieces.. when i think about the long sleeve something that’s important to me is a little more give. i am essentially always aiming to be able to either tuck it in or feel like i’m part of the golden era of a real madrid team alongside beckham.. i need flowy footy vibes or if i was to go skateboarding in it, i’d need that sort of flow to add a little style to a backside boardslide down a 16 set or a backside flip over a gap.. iykyk..

   

MUSIC: ok, i’m not gonna spend a lot of time here but here is what’s been my headphones besides drake..

1. dame atlas - “if i’m being honest” - been tapped in with dame’s music since the beginning of the year and he’s probably one of my top plays this year.. the kind of library where you just hit “play all” and let it go.. good for running and sitting quiet in your hotel just thinking about stuff.

2. burial - “untrue” - this record is almost 20 years old but it feels brand new. that’s the thing i love about it the most.. it gives me this feeling of being in a movie scene, during the night time.. i think i can listen to this record at all times of the day and feel like i’ll be able to do so in 6 years from now. it really is a timeless record

3. mack keane - “wide eyed” - i think i came across “crandycrush” on tiktok and was all over the record after that. it feels like the sort of album you hit play on as you’re about to take off on a flight and you want to feel good about texting your crush the airplane taking off emoji just before doing so, so that when you turn your phone back on, you see they texted and you can reply with the plane landing emoji.. does that makes sense?

4. kelela - “new avatar” - cannot express this enough but sometimes it’s just important to put a record on that makes you go non-verbal and feel like a million lbs of stress is being lifted off your chest.. that’s what this record feels like to me.

5. fox n’ vead - “playing the game” - not sure if anyone else is on this wave but this genre of almost rock/country/r&b/post hardcore.. (an original sentence for sure) but i came across this record recently and found it perfect for trying to lock in.. (currently playing rn tbh) - it just feel like a lot of the music i like all rolled up in to one while still being it’s own thing.

while a few of these sort of touch on different genre’s and maybe would not make sense on the same tour, to me they all feel like the same thing in the same way that the charcoal tee concept feels.. like yes, i changed my shirt but also i didn’t change my shirt.. like yes i made a playlist but also, i’m listening to the same thing.. taste for me is about boring.. because i think the best taste is one that feels like an extension of you.. like if i play a song for a close friend, i want this reaction like “this is the most carl song of all time”

THINGS: - i don’t know how to explain this one, it just feels like a feeling.. something i feel really strongly about is this idea or thought around “things” or consumption.. i recently started talking about this idea of the “war on lids” when it comes to coffee and enjoying your beverage with no lid. it’s all a bit silly but its turned in to this fun side joke with friends all over the world.. but no joking aside, i also do think two things: 1. coffee tastes better without a lid 2. they (lids) are such a waste of plastic - however… i also understand their place.. i also understand i’m not going to be able to rid the world of plastic lids. i also.. understand the irony of having a war on lids while also being someone who loves a canned beverage.. i’m not sure what the solve is.. i’m not sure it’s possible to never consume.. but i often find myself asking myself if i’m consuming too much? do i really need vitamin-c packets or do i just enjoy them? is it ok to wear the same 9tseven long sleeve twice without washing it to save water? or should i get a second long sleeve? is using a whipe after a long run worth it before going out to coffee with freinds so i don’t stink or do i use too many of them and waste materials in the name of smelling better for my friends? do i even need sap packets to help myself fuel properly while on a run or do i not use them and feel bad during my run? did i need this sticker for a bookmark? or should i not use stickers so less get made and we save more paper? do i need another pair of norda because they feel good on my feet which helps my back pain which helps me photograph more runners during the marathon which leads to hopefully a few moments of joy for those runners? or do i not support a small business in their efforts to make a better trail shoe? did i need taco’s with friends.. should i have asked for no paper in my tray? maybe i didn’t need to have the tacos? maybe i didn’t need the electrolytes in a can.. after all there are other brands that sell them so maybe i dont need to buy from another brand but also, it feels nice to support a friend in their business and dreams.. some of just feels like maybe having an interest or finding enjoyment in small things bumps in to this feeling of consumption but at the same time, i wonder if at all if any of it is all just in my head or if maybe my love of small joys in life is a bad thing?

Is taste performative? - alright, i want to to wrap things up here but before i go, let me just say this.. i think having taste is so cool. i think liking what you like is so cool. what i don’t think is cool is trying to tell other people what’s cool or not.. you don’t need the Dolomites uniform.. you don’t need to know what the “cool” kids are wearing in paris this week, or the runner boys are running in.. what’s cool is not up to me.. it’s not up to anyone else. what’s cool however is listening to your gut and liking whatever the hell you want. some people like traveling and going to museum to museum.. that sounds miserable to me.. i want to travel and sit at a cafe with someone from that town and ask them what it was like to grow up there.. but that might be miserable to someone else. in my opinion what’s cool is supporting other peoples dreams and passions.. a chef, a cafe owner, someone making their own apparel, a beverage company.. a better for you beef jerky.. i think recognizing other peoples hard work is cool. but tearing it down because you think it’s lame or you think it’s played out is well.. not my thing.. we complain about the algorithm but add to it.. things coming to life as a result of it are inevitable.. but maybe that’s what people want..?

at the end of the day, these things coming to life are the dreams of others.. and it’s hard to imagine critiquing someone else’s willingness to try, especially in a principal i could never do any better at. - i’m not a chef, so the meal is 5 stars.. i don’t make my own apparel, so i’ll trust the brand making what i like.. i need sunglasses so i’ll respect the efforts of the brand from 1975 that’s inspired a hundred other brands.. i think it’s cool to like what you like and do so while understanding it’s the result of a lot of other peoples hard work and efforts.. but maybe typing about how much you don’t like something is a lot easier than doing it yourself.. but that would require sincerity..

lastly before i go.. here’s some random things i think are cool.

1. sitting by yourself at dinner in a dark restuarant

2. navy crewneck sweatshirt with black pants

3. wearing socks with birkenstocks

4. nolan’s instagram

5. r&b music while you’re sitting on the couch talking to someone

6. the way fatima is documenting her half marahton training

7. the way “tiktok girlies” do photo dumps

8. coffee without the lid

9. doing something and posting about it days later out of context

10. all black socks with all black running shoes

11. copenhagen in the morning by the water

12. liking your friends brand partnerships posts so it benefits them and their future

13. the way stephanie does social media

14. what the crew at edel are building

15. walking at night without using gps in a city you dont live in

16. having a little tan but still using spf

17. the way special forces operators roll their sleeves

18. the style in the film closer

19. mirror pics while hiding your face

20. the way you can tell a photo of the moon was taken on an iphone

anyways.. that’s all.. just my opinion.. no worries if you don’t agree. :)

talk soon. x.

carl.

ps.. a reminder to anyone who feels hated on..

so there we were.. or i was.. caught.. listening to the music we were supposed to hate.. he said.. “are you listening to nsync?” i shook my head “yeah…” and he looked at the cd-player, looked at me.. and i then i finally spoke.. “it’s really good thought!” he walked in, closed the door behind him and said “dude, my brother and i have been listening to this so much!” - we would then leave to go skate and he and i talked to josh about it and josh goes “oh.. yeah.. i have been listening to it so much, my mom bought it for me but i didn’t want to get made fun of.” - we all laughed and from that moment on.. i don’t think we hid anything from each other.. and it was in that moment, i realized the value in just liking what you like (the first time).

i’ve thought about that moment so much in my life.. the time i moved to south korea and started wearing v-neck tees with a vest.. (i know i know) but it was so of the time in the country and so many of my military “friends” made fun of me for it.. then david came to the country and he was wearing it as well and then others around us started doing it.. and it’s all so silly now thinking back, but it was still in this era of my life where i was capable of feeling peer pressure and changing my mind to fit in.. i would carry that style and fashion inspiration from my time in korea on with me to california where it met with cut off skinny jorts, toms shoes and an oversize v-neck tee.. dare i even say a straw like barber shop cap.. i don’t know.. the cold war kids were really big at the time.. i was having a moment.. but it was my moment. in the summer the tee became a tank but there was still a beanie involved.. slouched of course..

these moments in a way felt all connected to that moment in my room at 14 years old with andrew.. standing my ground, liking what i like and just leaning in to myself.. and for the record, that album still holds up.. it’s a crime we never got a “makes me ill” music video - it should have been a single.. but it also to this day makes me realize, i like what i like and in my head they are all connected and the same.

i often post this clip from “i heart huckabees” - and it really is a core belief i share.. but on the “everything is connected” theme - in my head, liking “makes me ill” is the same thing as liking drake.. which is the same thing as liking espresso over ice.. which is also the same thing as liking all black shoes and wearing the same shoe over and over again.. which again to me means you like “played yourself” by brian mcknight and so if you’re of the ever you like “if you had my love” by j-lo, so that when drake sampled it on “teenage fever” - you were allowed to like it more than the other person who didn’t know the reference because you liked it first as a j-lo song.. so then when paramore covers passionfruit on bbc radio 1 - you were ahead of the curve because you liked paramore before misery business..

now.. of course i am joking and do not really believe you like it more but there’s a certain level of validation internally comes from being early or liking without influence or nowadays the algorithm - which is why this article about “tasteslop” by Phoebe Luckhurst is so good and smart. I won’t try to add to the article or even give me thoughts on specific parts.. i will however suggest you read it.

In my life these days, I find myself almost seeing where the internet wants me to go and purposely saying “no” to the trend. I wear half tights and sunglasses and an oversize tee.. but i wore that outfit in 2020.. i was made fun of in 2014 by a co-worker for wearing tights and a tee while running in the fall only for them to later say “you were on to something..” but here’s the thing.. i wasn’t on to something.. people have been wearing tights in running for decades.. women have been wearing half tights or biker shorts with an oversize tee or sweatshirt since before i could even run. but i will defend that my “tastes” or interests do not come from the internet.

i don’t wear oakley eye jackets today because the internet tells me to. i wear them and love them because they remind me of an era i missed out on when they were brand new. i love them so much i bought myself two pairs of the same frame incase i lost them. i wear aim glasses now because dylan who runs the brand is a wonderful human and works really hard to support so many people.. so why would i not support that? i wear one of their colors because my dad wore that same color my whole childhood.. the more and more my life goes on, im realizing the importance of following your own inspirations and own taste.. but again.. that comes from my history.. not the interent.

i think often about the changes ive seen in multiple spaces, often finding myself coming back to the running scene, of which i joined for the first time on january 7th 2014 at november project in DC.. it was there i learned about tracksmith after it launched through a friend who was part of their first camp.. within a few months later i bought my first pieces while abroad for work.. i would return to DC only to again be chimed at by “friends” because it was “too expensive” - years later that same person wears it all the time.. and while there’s literally no point in saying “i told you so” - it is worth expressing because i feel like i’m not alone.. but it does make me feel some type of way when they same people who made fun of you or make some passive comment about your choices eventually catch on and pass it off as if they’ve “been there” the whole time.. even back then, i was in all black, skull cap.. with the ears a little out.. and even there in that space where it was supposed to be a good place, i got chimed at..

what was that drake said about “honestly nevermind” when it came out.. “it’s all good if you don’t get it yet..” - in response the negative feedback the album got.. and well would you look now.. that album is a classic.. go figure.. - i talk often, maybe i’ve even done here before but it’s this idea that the film HEAT is one that people try to copy or reference or duplicate so much but it never truly feels the same… and that’s because HEAT wasn’t trying to be HEAT.. so it feels real.. it feels early.. i think so many things now feel like they’re trying to copy some recipe.. but its never going to truly feel right.. everyone thinks they can capture that same flavor of the grandma they took a cooking class from while away for a summer.. but it never truly feels the same.. that’s because grandma isn’t following a recipe.. there is not specific salt count in “a pinch” - it’s a feeling. taste is a feeling. grandma makes the best pasta you’ve ever had.. and while your pasta looks the same.. its just cosplaying as grandma’s.. what’s that saying.. “good design is hard to spot, but bad design is noticed right away?”

now i’m sure someone is going to read this and scoff and say “he’s full of himself..” i promise you i am not.. but what i am.. is someone who is aware of where their inspiration comes from.. and knows that when i’m seen in satisfy in 2026.. i’m not new here.. i was mocked in 2018 for wearing a shirt with holes in it.. and while there are people who still make fun of us.. i know where i was before it was everywhere.. we didn’t have FYP’s or running mood boards telling us what to do or directing the way.. you had to find it on your own even “back then” but now the “cool” thing to do is make fun of the brand in general.. but it’s a tail as old as time.. make fun of it until you own it yourself or that brand invites you in.. yeah.. i’ve seen that a thousand times.. i’m also fully confident in saying i’m very aware i wasn’t the first person to wear satisfy.. i wasnt the first person to wear oakley eye jackets.. i did wear a bandana in 2018.. but i also tried wearing a nike sweatband as “style” in 2006 so.. i’ve had some misses.. i still remember showing up to a run during the pandemic and someone saying about my satisfy tee.. “looks like your shirt got covid..” - like?? what does that even mean dude?

and guess what.. that’s also ok.. because for some it’s easier to poke fun at what you don’t know.. its also ok to not like something.. its also ok to say “that’s just not for me” without bullying others who it is for.. it’s also ok to just like what you like.. you don’t have to have the latest collection every time.. you don’t have to buy the tee that says “INSERT CITY” marathon collection every year.. it’s not “limited” they just didn’t make a lot of them because they have 10 other races to make things for.. but also.. if you like “insert city” branded socks every year.. that’s also ok.. because its very import to like what YOU like..

sometimes when i’m stressed i’ll hop on reddit message boards of brands i know, some i dislike, some i admire, some i know nothing about.. and i’ll read the discourse around them.. and it always feels like there is such a different thought about a brand there then we see around other parts of the internet.. and it bums me out.. because unique to reddit.. we don’t know who is saying these things.. we don’t get to know if the person who went viral for the “haul” is also the person who is now disappointed a month later.. is it too keep said brand happy in case they reach out? because i get it.. i was that same person hiding from my friends about my love of “makes me ill” by nsync.. you never do know who is gonna agree with you privately.. but maybe that’s the fear in liking what you like the first time..

liking what you like goes beyond running apparel, it goes beyond music.. it’s the local spot you like in your city. it’s liking being by yourself.. it’s liking going to dinner by yourself, the movies.. liking what you like is about trusting your gut.. it for me is about understand that while someone may not get it.. it’s not up to you for them to get it. you don’t owe them.. you owe yourself. you don’t need to defend the decision to wear navy with black.. you don’t need to defend the things you love on your own accord. you have to trust your gut. it’s what gives me confidence when in something like seeing running documented today, knowing that while something may be “fire” it’s also something has been done a dozen times already that day.. there even in the creative has become to this rinse and repeat style.. because why? it’s because the internet rewards it.. and it makes the mood boards.. but even when you’re on your own wave.. the internet will tell you its something else that inspired it.. you can’t win. i get it.

i’ve been documenting running for a decade.. literally since the summer of 2016.. and recently… someone said “i like how you photograph backs a lot.. i like that trend..” - TREND? brother.. i’ve been doing this for a decade.. you have to erase this thinking.. you have to remove the idea of seeing something and thinking it’s a trend.. yes yes.. trends exist..but a trend is.. not the end all be all for so many of us. you’ll see someone say something like “the trend of the summer” and it’s just jeans and a t-shirt.. or “come with me to this hidden gem” and it’s just a blank street coffee in brooklyn.. this internet first way of thinking, way of moving.. you do not need a matcha because it’s the “drink of the summer” you can literally just get a poland spring water bottle..

“how many matcha’s can you consume in a day” - drake

ultimately, what i’m trying to get at is this.. you do have enough clothes in your closet, you don’t need more.. you don’t need “5 things the cool kids in paris are wearing” and you don’t need to buy every item that running mood board tells you is the greatest collection to be released.. relax.. it’s a cotton shirt with the athletic font.. it will be here again next year.. it’s ok to like that brand from berlin when your friend tells you about it when it has only a couple thousand followers.. you don’t need to wait until you go to berlin and see it first to pretend you’ve always liked it.. you don’t need to refuse to like something that’s new.. it’s ok to like more than vintage.. but i get it i get it “vintage just hits different..” yeah yeah i know.. sigh..

but what you do need to do is to trust your gut.. run in the shorts you actually like.. run in the tee that you wore last summer.. or even better.. run in the same tee twice in one week.. you can like the band no one in your group has heard of, you can like the coffee shop that’s not “aesthetic” enough.. it’s perfectly ok.. because refusing to do so will lead only to a constant chasing of the next thing.. the desire to figure out what the exact measurements in a “pinch of cool” is.. and you know what else is possible..? finding out something as the result of a mood board and saying “i didn’t know about this.” and liking it.. and then liking it forever.. because it’s cool to like what you like.. the first time. but it’s all good if you don’t get it yet.

talk soon. x.

carl.

on the 23rd of may, i got a text from a friend asking if another friend had contacted me.. a moment later, said friend called my phone… what he said next hit me in a way i was not expecting.. it was the news that a friend of ours had passed away the night prior after collapsing on a run. our friend, was a pillar in our community, someone who made everyone else feel better as soon as they walked in the room.. in that moment i had no idea how to process the news. shocked? angry.. avoidant..? i had just landed on London and was there for work and was not capable of making my way back across the ocean.. the next couple days were full of emotions throughout the marathon weekend.. then on monday, the day after the london marathon, my friend called me to let me know his mother had passed away.. but he and his family saw it coming.. but obviously, that didnt make it any less easier..

it felt like coming out of those passings, two within a couple days of one another, mixed with so many emotions, highs & lows of race weekend, the right in to my own race weekend in copenhagen.. i found myself standing still from time to time. i would find myself just wanting to sit in silence, but even then it felt loud inside my head. i wanted to talk to everyone about it but felt like i had no one to talk to at the same time. how do we address death? the last time i was faced with this was summer of ‘23 when my biological mother passed away.. even then, that day i got the news and a couple hours later, got on a flight to Denver for work.

then one morning, i made my way to the water in the nordhavn neighbourhood of copenhagen.. with a coffee.. and in that moment, this question came to mind that silenced everything.. “what if i died?”

it’s heavy, i know.. but it came without warning.. and then i started to think about everything.. who gets notified first? who would it impact? what happens to my stuff? who takes care of my cats? who cancels my phone bill payments? what happens to my storage unit? does someone tell my bank? what happens to my name? who remembers it? who forgets it? how long would i be remembered? do i need a will? i found myself or my mind for that matter starting to ramble.. i got up and went for a walk to try and find some space from those thoughts.

for the rest of the trip to copenhagen, i found myself feeling a haze in my mind. i went for a run after that moment, met a friend for coffee, went for a swim to stand in the same spot i stood in a year ago and made the decision to go sober.. the next day, i found myself with a morning to spare before an afternoon flight to London for a quick work stint.. i woke up that morning to 3 drake albums and as part of the collection, he launched one album titled, ICEMAN, which on the second to last track “firm friends” there’s this portion where he’s addressing friendship and he says “most people die not knowin’ who would’ve stuck by they side.” which i remember hearing and it just forced me stop in my tracks. i thought about my friend from the running world who had passed and the reaction and how it all played out online. all the things people said about him.. did he know this? would he have wanted to know this is how so many people felt about him? was it too late? the emotions that have come from this line from this track has stuck with me.. and got me thinking further.

now, don’t get my wrong, i’m not against posting online about loved ones. there’s no right way to grieve, maybe their are wrong ways, but who’s to say? but does it change anything? could we have done better while he was still here? was it implied? did we waste time together? all of these thoughts came to mind and have been on my mind..

i think about my own life, the things i’ve said about people.. the things i’m not proud of. mistakes i’ve made. things i wish i could have done differently. i think about the moments i never got with him.. the moments i cut short.. for whatever reason. not even just him.. anyone in my life. the hangouts i cut short.. i think back to a few years ago seeing someone i had a falling out with and she told me about a time i had come to nyc and made plans to get a coffee with her.. to maximize my time in nyc, i had invited someone i wanted to introduce her to, to join the hangout.. they were both fairly new to nyc at the time and i thought i could perhaps make a new friendship happen. we all hung out and i thought nothing of it.. it wouldn’t be until years later she told me how much that hurt her feelings.. i remember that november night years ago like it was yesterday.. “i wasn’t there to meet your friend.. i was there for carl.” - this still sits with me.. and rocked much of the foundation of who i think i am. its this sort of thing where for a decade plus, i’ve heard from others “thanks for the introduction to..” or “i’m glad i got to meet.. so and so..” that i never once thought the intentions could be confused for anything other than this idea of trying to make the world feel smaller..

i think about things like that in respect to “what if i died?” - it’s hard to imagine there’d be people who wouldn’t care to see you’re gone. i think it’s even harder to imagine that people will say things about you that maybe they never told you in real life.. i think about the things i saw people write about our friend that passed away.. i was angry at the thought of maybe he never knew these things.. would he have wanted to keep those texts people shared private? do we get to share the things we send each other directly with the public once you’re no longer here? it’s like this concept of if we have a bad experience with a person or a dinner experience, a hotel.. whatever it may be.. we often seem more willing to tell others about how bad something was. how much we didn’t like this or that. we share with people a bad experience we have with someone or maybe how “i just don’t know about them” off of one.. maybe two interactions but yet.. when it comes to friends, we wait until they’re gone to share publicly how much they meant to us? how does that make sense?

there’s this feeling i have that trying to just simply exist nowadays, especially online is this thought that you could post something as simple as “i like the color blue” and you have to be met with comments or dm’s.. “what about the color yellow?” - what about it? i didn’t say anything about it? i just like blue.. - i think about that video that went somewhat viral where the person who made the video was talking about how the font of a cafe in london was “cosplaying as authentic” and even more commentary.. when in reality, it just turned out the owners child had written the cafe name? they edited the post but the damage or the harmful energy was shared first.. we’re so fast to say the negative thing but yet we wait until the sad part to say the nice thing? why? - in talking to a friend about this, they said “how come we never feel like after we hang out with someone and it was really great, do we not go online and say that? it’s like its been taught to us to not do so if it’s good, only if it’s bad.”

i suppose there may be some that just say.. “well that’s the internet, its not real?” but yet it’s real when we say nice things after someone’s passing? you tell me. it feels like this metaphor for the side by side of a trash can and recycling bin next to one another.. the trash always fills up faster than the recycling.. like we all know the recycling should be filled up more than it is.. we should be recycling.. we should be doing all we can to do the better thing.. we’re all taught to be nice.. “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.” - but yet.. the trash fills up faster.. is it just easier? go to the comments section of a restaurant.. the google reviews.. yes.. there’s some nice.. but why is it always heavier on the trash?

what is the point in joining the booing? why do we not fill up the recycling faster? is it because we see someone booing.. and think we need to boo as well? is it just easier to join the chorus than it is to sing a new song? why do we pile on? why do we insist on “well i heard” or “someone told me..” - while they’re here.. then when they’re gone, we pour out our heart for all the good they did? i think what hurt me in some capacity is the same type of person to reach for the negative first, would probably hate it themself to hear the negative things about them.. but is it even avoidable? i remember sometime last year, i went to share a screen shot of something i felt bothered by that was said to me to a mutual friend.. and they replied, “please do not send me screen shots of your private conversation.. do not involve me..” and i remember being so impressed and taken back by that.. they were right.. that was one of the most intelligent things i had heard in years..

who was i to try and sway this persons opinion of someone else? why was my solo interaction meant to sway their dynamic? is my one bad interaction worth ruining their friendship? was this game of telephone worth the end result for anyone? i’ve thought a lot about life and the “what is it all for?” deeper meaning since these two folks passed in my life recently and it’s honestly made me want just less and less in my life. less confrontation, less negativity.. less anger, less stress.. years ago an old boss of mine once told me that in customer experience in the form of say a customer writing in an email about their experience being bad.. regardless of if you agreed, people just want to be heard.. they want to feel listened to. and while it’s only natural to maybe say want to defend yourself as fast as your were slighted or attacked, in many ways, it’s what they wanted in the first place… the dopamine hit of a reaction.. they want to “win” - they want to be able to say “see, i told you they were wrong.. they were angry..”

but what if we met anger with silence? we’re told if you avoid confrontation or you are dismissive, you’re being passive aggressive or you’re immature.. you’re childish and you should act your age.. they bring how old you are in to the fold as a reason you should handle the thing they care about more, differently.. but what if it’s not that deep? what if i know you’re angry at me for something i have no clue about? what if the thing that is so important to you, is not worth the anger or stress to me..? what if you saying to me, something about you think i should do something differently is something i don’t want to argue about? so i just say “ok” - society will tell you i’m the one in the wrong.. but i’m willing to bet you the person who came up “avoidant detachment” was probably someone who was just told “ok” by someone they wanted to argue with.. because while the internet will tell you its “an insecure attachment style characterized by a deep-seated discomfort with emotional intimacy and an intense focus on self-reliance” - i would argue it’s not the case.. because i myself care deeply about emotional intimacy.. i care deeply about my friends.. i waste no chance to tell them i’m proud of them.. i waste no phone call or goodbye without saying “i love you.” - i shy away from no hug being offered by an old friend. i try very hard to be very active in my friends life. sure, i slip, sure i miss the mark.. but i’m human.. is failing not allowed? i’ve fallen down 9 times.. but i’ve gotten up 10 times.. that’s the point of this right? - which before i forget, i remember after the copenhagen marathon my friend claire gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me.. i remember in that moment just wanting to break down from everything.. but i held it together but it mattered so much to me.. there really is no feeling like making your friends proud.. and that moment, that hug is going to stay with me forever.

in thinking about this concept of “what if i died?” - i thought a lot about my mistakes.. the things i wish i could take back.. the moments i got it wrong.. but i tried to do the math on the outcome of intention vs interaction - the math is unmeasurable.. because the math is perspective. again, its the “i like blue” idea.. you go about your day having this thought that you’re just sharing the thing you like while having no idea you’ve upset the people who love the color green.. but yet the “i like green” people will tell the “i like purple” people “you know carl? i heard he doesn’t like purple.” and now the “i like purple” crowd hates me.. meanwhile, i love purple because it makes me think of my first time going to the University of Washington campus and seeing husky gear everywhere.. and now when i see someone irl, in a UW shirt, i say “go dawgs!” - but because the person i said that to, isn’t part of the “i like purple crowd” - that group still hates me.. i suppose maybe it’s easier to be part of the “i heard” crowd than it is the “i learned for myself” crowd.. but that’s maybe where the math on intention vs interaction may seem simple.. and while i believe myself on this, i understand there are some examples where it’s possible to get it wrong.. take the “people” music from the 1975.. in it, the lead singer matty healy blows himself up via vest, to explode in to the icons of likes and heart icons on social media.. i can imagine that was his artistic way of having some form of commentary on virality and the depths some go to go viral.. but then there’s the known context missing.. the band, from manchester.. site of the terrorist attack at the concert of ariana grande.. matty would go on to address this on “human too” years later… on the bands next album.. that maybe he got ahead of himself.. he said once “I'd created this character for myself. This self-deprecating Pied Piper of a young guy. Then I became that.”- now of course he’s not the only person to get ahead of himself or out jump his skies.. but he did so on a public scale.. but he apologized.. but do we still hold it against him? whose to say.

when i got back from my trip, i found myself again distracted, taking the time to dive back in to work, to let go of the worry i was holding on to about this.. i threw myself in to catching up on projects, videos.. editing.. and at a certain point, i kind of just found myself again in this “what is this all for?” “what am i even doing?” - it felt like it was somewhat all pointless because it could also possibly be misunderstood? there’s this very real thought i cant seem to escape since sitting down in copenhagen to reflect on all this.. but it’s this struggle of why even do this for it to not even be cared for as much as i want it to? this pain in feeling like “well don’t even make that thing because they won’t care about it now.. but when you pass away, they will.” - for instance.. and no.. i am very much not comparing myself.. so please do not get me wrong.. but i asked google if van gogh was famous when he was alive..

now again.. let me state for the “i like purple” crowd.. i AM NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO VAN GOGH… but think about that.. one of the most famous, most known, painter of one of the most well known pieces of art work, passed away knowing none of this..? is that just life? is that just the way it’s supposed to be? i’m no expert i know but i’m willing to guess, he’d have probably loved to know what people thought about his work when he was alive.. or was it his death that made the work important? is it the bad before the good? is it all just so those who add to the trash can one day add to the recycling and say “i always loved Van!”

i myself, i know what people say about me.. i know what some folks think of me.. i hear the things that are said about me.. and one of the hardest parts are i’ve seen the things people have said about me.. all while they still reach out.. and go about life, without knowing i know.. but then recently i removed someone from my life and they confronted me and told me they hoped that they hope i healed from whatever was hurting me.. which.. A. lol.. i barely knew them.. but B. i removed them because of what was said about me by them to another friend of mine.. and instead of accepting it when confronted and apologizing they responded by saying “well so and so said…” like.. lol.. ok.. im sorry but im not engaging with you. i’m moving on.. i think it’s important to understand the “i heard” crowd are the ones who care to add to the trash before the recycling.. and i myself want less trash in my own life.

it’s brought me personally to a really almost stagnant place in my life the past month as i try to accept this reality that truly nothing is up to us once we pass. our stuff is no longer ours.. the bills will stack up until they don’t.. your phone doesn’t go with you.. the pieces of content in your drafts will never see the light of day.. everything i am worrying about, i know it’s out of my hands.. everything is temporary.. it feels harder and harder to accept we can truly never own anything.. like, i can’t be the only one who has laid in bed to go to bed only to think about that one tee they haven’t seen in months only to get up and tear their closet apart to find it.. and for what? we don’t even wear it the next day.. so why do we all do that? is it the feeling of lack of control? is it this idea of feeling like the thing we own may no longer be ours?

i asked myself recently, “what even is the point of worrying about anything anymore?” - but maybe it’s all a matter of just getting to this point where it’s not exactly about not worrying but rather choosing to focus more on the good.. to make sure we don’t waste a moment on worry.. on stress.. maybe it’s about choosing to add to the recycling rather than joining the trash.. maybe it’s just refusing to not care about how much the “i love green” crowd hates how much you love blue and loving blue even deeper.. maybe it’s about getting closer to your heart.. maybe it’s about being so intensely connected to your own heart that anyone who loves you never has a single doubt in theirs about how you felt about them when you pass.. maybe part of life is worrying less about “everyone” and instead giving attention to your people.. to the people who know your heart.. to the people whose full name is in your phone.. to the ones who never worried about if they “followed” you back on the internet.. because your relationship was deeper than free app on a phone bill you’re not responsible for..

maybe life is better when we worry less about the words we read about us and rather give more weight to the words we heard ourself because we were with the ones who loved us the most? in writing this piece i found myself listening to revisiting the “daisies” performance from justin bieber at this years coachella.. before closing out his set he says.. “coachella, you guys have been incredible tonight.. thank you so much for being here.. you guys have my heart.. i hope you guys drive home safe.. drink some water..i love spending this time with you.. give it up for mkgee..” and i just think it’s so beautiful.. i don’t need to revisit the history of JB in the press, in the publics eye.. the things said about him.. the things thought of him.. and i can’t help but that think what if that was it? what if thats the last performance we had gotten from him.. he spent his last performance choosing to be kind.. to spread love and positivity.. to give thanks to a fellow artist.. he took no time to yell at anyone for anything they’ve said about him.. to him.. he was choosing good.. he was refusing to add to the trash..

i know for a fact, ive given too much of my time, my life for that matter worrying.. stressing about the things i can’t control.. being hurt by being unfollowed.. caring immensely about being “liked” - to talk again about the drake albums.. there’s another line i can’t help but revisit over and over again on “burning bridges” where he says.. “burning bridges is ok.. i’d rather take the long way..” - i feel this lately beyond just a perceived tone of anger.. i view it more of a “let me just go my way.. regardless of your perception of me.” - in a way it feels almost freeing to worry less.

sitting here today, thinking about the last couple years, the ups and the downs, i’m reminded of a conversation i had recently with my father.. we talked about the way life has played out.. the butterfly effect of it all. what was it that got us here? the decisions we all make in our life to connect our paths.. what did i do in my life to afford me the opportunities i’ve had? what happened that gave me the chance to do and see the things ive seen.. i’ve seen the sun set in more countries that i ever imagined, i’ve sailed the pacific, spent time with strangers in South Korea over dinner multiple times.. i’ve had conversations with professors, sat and listened to women talk about the things they’re passionate about. i’ve felt the embrace of a strangers compassion after watching france make the world cup final in 2022, i’ve had the chance to see friends follow their dreams, watch them raise their kids from toddlers to high school graduates. i’ve seen friends get divorced and remarried - which i’d argue is one of the most beautiful things.. to see them find their person.. i’ve cried for no reason as i watched the rain fall over the mountains, i’ve felt the pain of heartbreak, i’ve had A5 waygu in kyoto, i’ve been kicked while i was down and got back up more times than i care to ever revisit.. i served my country in the military.. i’ve done so much and yet, it all has felt like not enough..

i find myself guilty of thinking, ok, i made it to this country once for my own trip.. now how can i go there again, longer.. how can i make it about xyz? - rarely have i the moment taken the chance or time to stand there in that moment, full of gratitude for the fact i’m even there to begin with? never in my wildest dreams did i ever imagine i’d be able to say i’ve done all i’ve done and with who i’ve gotten to do it with.. i’ve spent too much time worrying about what else, what’s next, how much more.. when i know i need to just focus on what about right now? what about this current moment in time. give care and attention to present, to whats in front of me.. not behind, or in front of my.. care less about what’s said about me that’s ultimately out of my control.. decide to live a life that’s about care for who cares about me.. again, to not waste a moment making sure my friends and those who love me and i love back know that.. to make sure that when that day comes, where maybe i am no longer here, there’s not a single doubt in my friends minds of how i felt about them and how they felt about me.. it feels important to live a life where i’m not worried about being famous later, or even right now.. to live a life regardless of feedback or impressions, or likes, or engagement.. money comes and money goes, you take nothing with you, but the legacy of what you leave behind in others hearts is more valuable.

i’m aware you can’t get it right every single time.. i know i’ll miss a moment or two.. and even choosing to live a life that has less anger, less aggression, to chose to not hold a grudge.. it’s inevitable i’ll fail again.. hell, probably a few times.. but i know it will never be on purpose. but i cannot given space to the battle of intention vs interaction. i think about my time with spent with my friend who passed away and i’m choosing to let go of the “what if?” of our time together and instead i’m choosing to remember the “i loved when..” for instance, i loved when he would go crazy about his sports teams.. or i loved when he walked with me during my 24 hour marathon last year and told me the things he told me about being a veteran like me.. there was even this one time that makes me laugh so much.. he was going off about his team in a whatsapp group and the messages were crazy.. his passion was on full display.. and as fast as he could type them, as moderator of the chat, i felt a responsibility to delete them.. but so many of us laughed about it later.. because we loved him. we loved his passion.. we understood the difference between intention vs interaction.. it’s hard to accept that he’s “gone” because he still feels very present.. his love of the knicks feels so relevant.. he would have loved this moment in time.. he would have been the loudest and the proudest.. and then i found myself in brooklyn, outside in the streets moments after the knicks won.. just telling myself, “i wish he was here for this..” but then in that same moment, i realized he was.. because part of him lives with me.. and part of him lives on in so many of our shared friends and in their experience of that very moment wherever they were in the world, he was there with them.. he was on their mind and in their heart.. no one who loves him was thinking about the crazy texts.. no one was thinking about the things he said about their sports teams in good fun.. but they did care that he was no longer with us and its my believe that only forced us to love him more.. because it’s what he would have wanted..

you see i think the thing is.. we have no say in what others say about us.. we have no control of where our things go, what happens to our cellphone bill, what people whose messages go to our spam inbox.. it’s that quote from tom holland..

"If you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me."

i know i myself have given way too much time worrying about things i cannot control.. and reflecting on that moment in copenhagen.. asking myself, “what if i died?” i find myself choosing to make sure that from this very moment, i let the past be the past.. i remember the quote from tenet.. “"What's happened, happened.” and make it a point to go forward with intention of loving right now.. in that very moment. i know i’ll do so with a lot of regret.. i’ll try to brush it off, i’ll try to let it go.. i forever wonder what i could have done differently, what i could have done better? but in the end, i think knowing that and letting it hold me back are two different things.. i’m choosing to not let it do so.

there was a moment over the last few weeks where i felt silly for stressing about what was said about me behind my back.. like of all the things to worry about, why that? why the thing you cannot control.. and especially when there’s so much more to give your heart and energy to. i think about the things i saw people say about our friend after he passed and i think it taught me an important lesson.. to not wait, to choose to make sure we give our friends and our loved ones the most of us while we’re still here.. in the end, who cares about the “stuff” the shirt we panic about at midnight, only to never wear.. the cell phone bill.. the camera gear, my laptop, all of it.. and none of it matters as much as we leave our friends feeling when we’re gone..

i had one call with a friend just days after it happened and while in tears she asked “did he know i was always joking? did he know i actually loved him?” and i said.. “he does and he did.. and knowing him, he’ll probably find someway to make sure he gets one last dig at ya to remind you he loves you.. “ and you know what? he did.. his team swept hers in the playoffs.. and how can you not find that funny if you know him?

i’m not sure really what happens when all ends.. i don’t have the answers to what happens when we pass away but i know one day i will.. and it’s not that i’m ready for it to happen, i think it’s realizing i’m at peace with it when it happens.. it’s not up to us.. but what we can control is what we do while we’re here.. in how we love our friends, our family and anyone we may come in to contact with.. we have to chose peace.. we have to lead with love and good intentions.. and that’s already started for me.. and will continue.. i love my friends, i love my family and i love the life i’ve for some reason been given the opportunity to live.. and i do not want to waste another second of it.. i know it’s a bit heavy to think about “what if i died?” but we all grieve in our own way and having two people pass in your life in the span of days apart from one another makes you think things differently.. so now we have to live differently..

talk soon. x.

carl.

before we go forward, i wanna share something from 2014.. i at the time was dating someone and for the life of me, could not even tell you what we were fighting about.. like i have tried for 12 years to recall it.. i can’t.. but in the heat of the moment, this person said to me.. “if you weren’t with me, you’d be broke and fat!” - and to this day, that still stings.. sure time has healed in some regard but self image, self identity has for a decade plus kept that in the back of my mind. while we haven’t been together for over half that time, her words still haunt me. money,.. eh.. i’m not so hung up on.. that comes and goes.. it was more so the comments about my body. it’s something i have always been at odds with. for example, i quite literally remember two moments in my life.. one, of them being when i was in 7th grade and we had just finished basketball practice in middle school and some of the other guys had no shirt on. they were in the 8th grade and i remember noticing they were fit and had abs even back then.. i looked at my stomach and felt like i had a belly.. mind you, i was about 95 lbs by 7th grade year. the next, i was sitting at my family computer listening to bands on an st. louis punk scene music forum.. and felt like i could feel as though i had rolls in my stomach.. i was maybe all of 135lbs.. so basically, what i’m trying to say is i’ve always been really insecure about this thing.

which brings us to last year, finishing that marathon, in the worst shape of my life.. i was beside myself.. in that piece, i focused mainly about the marathon but that was the final straw for me. i knew then leaving copenhagen a year ago, i needed to make a change. i had left feeling embarrassed.. somewhat rejected and honestly, so unattractive and unappealing. it was a feeling i was so disappointed in. and even though that women and i haven’t talked in i don’t even know how long.. my interactions with other women, made me feel like they felt the same way she did.. it was a hard pill to swallow, so i left that city and that trip with my head down in shame..

i landed back in the states and worked out the next day, and from then on, it just continued.. but i didn’t want to rush “fit” i was not looking for an overnight fix, i wanted prolonged change. i wanted a better life, i wanted a new normal. we started running and we kept running.. and running and running.. the diet cleaned up and we stayed sober.. and before we knew it, we were back in copenhagen.. four months sober, 20+ lbs lighter and for the most part feeling better about things.. but still so far from where we wanted to be. standing in front of women, i could feel some confidence coming back but still part of me felt like all they did was still see that same version from four months prior. it ate at me.. but we pressed on were still proud of the progress we had made, so we shared it publicly. i had made this commentary about wanting to feel comfortable with my shirt off in public.. and did just that by going for a swim.. and that story found its way to the folks behind the copenhagen marathon and while there, they invited me to run the race with in may of 2026.. and we said yes..

after an insane and chaotic final few months to the year, we woke up on new years day and went for a run. and it was rough. i knew i was in for a tough road. i had made it public i was running, so it felt like we needed to run. we hired a coach.. we followed their plan.. we missed only but a few workouts along the way, training in multiple countries, dubai, india, saudi arabia, england.. more states than i can remember and with all that, doing so while continuing to stay sober.. before we knew it.. things just started to click..

before getting to copenhagen, we made our way to london for the marathon and was able to stay there after, allowing us the chance to work on our taper, with less distraction and more of a calm mind.. we would end up then being able to make our way to denmark a whole week before the marathon, needing only to adjust to a 1 hour time difference and we were very rested.. sunday would be here before i knew and yet we couldn’t help but think about the year we had had, and in many ways, the 12 years of living with that phrase said to me by that women.

but then something happened.. we started see friends.. we were at events where men and women both attended.. and i found myself being embraced by the women in this community in a way i hadn’t felt in a really long time. everything platonic but yet, endearing.. they had a softness to them.. as friends from american also arrived, they were incredibly kind and made me feel about myself a way, i was not familiar with for some time now. it was very sweet and yet, i still found myself, hiding behind a coat and all black. but with each interaction, each day, i found myself wondering what i had ever been so down on myself about.. they made me feel very loved and very cared for. almost overnight, the jacket started to be left at home or thrown on the back of a chair. with every hug and warm hello, i found a new version of carl emerging.

then it came time for race day, which would bring with it a whole new experience, allowing a friend to come to come to my hotel to document my morning. she turned the camera on and i just went about my morning.. two days before that, an artist i love named patrick droney released a tune called “back in my body” and in it he says

“i took the long way, oh but it’s ok.. i’m back in my body.”

and i had it on repeat for a couple days since then.. and then while nik was there, i played it while getting ready.. i was a few moments ahead of him as i begun to explain how good that line and as it came up.. i sang along and that was it.. that was the final straw.. i broke.. it was all right there.. front of mind, front of heart and i could not contain it any longer.. i had held so much in for so long, i had held that knife to my heart.. the words that person said to me 12 years ago.. that held me at knife point, so much so i had started to believe her.. but in this moment, a mere couple of hours from taking on the marathon again.. i was letting it go. i was letting her go.

the thing about that moment is that before then i had heard that song what felt like a hundred times on repeat over the weekend and never had that reaction but it felt as though listening to it in that context changed its meaning.. it felt as though i had unlocked something i had the key to all along.

i would make my way to the race a different person than the me who raced a 13 months in paris. i was not the same person. i was sober, 35lbs lighter, clear headed and no longer carrying those words. i hugged every friend i saw that morning. i smiled.. i thought i would have cried.. i thought id have been so nervous.. but i wasn’t. i put my watch on, a timex x noah watch.. no gps.. no data.. i put my headphones away, i took my beanie off.. i put a tank top on and made my way from the 9tseven crew to my corral. and just after 9:58am in copenhagen i crossed the starting line..

for the next 3 hours or so, i was in a place with running, i thought id never have again. i was in love with it. i was free. i was running for me, no longer holding on to the pain of those words, no longer running with that doubt of self image. i was at patrick said.. back in my body. as i came up on the 32km mark, i could see the silhouette of the 9tseven crew and my heart rate spiked to a billion.. and well.. needless to say i blacked out.. every ounce of my body went to a place i had never been before. i picked everyone up, i thought i had just won game 7 of the finals… champions league final, british bake off.. whatever.. i was on cloud 9 and then some.. it’s a feeling i will remember forever.. (sorry about picking everyone up tho)

but then at 35km, things got dark.. FAST.. legs.. gone.. i took two gels to the dome. 2 x 40grams of carbs.. one minted, one sap.. three cups of water and fought for every step for 1km.. we found a street poll and stretched.. we felt it slipping away. it was dark.. i was so blown.. all this work? gone.. all this pain… for what? what did i do wrong? in the span 3km i went from the highest high to thinking i was going to leave the course in a cart.. we could not do that. we could not go backwards.. we started to cry but stopped ourselves, whispered “come on carl…” and got our shit together and started to just pick off step by step.. refusing to quit.. then out of nowhere our friend karo comes out of the crowd with a hand extended and says “come with me carl, i got you now” - she would have never known this but that felt like all i needed all along.. those magic words.. were better than any gel, any super shoe.. it was in that moment i realized all i really needed this whole time was a reminder that i was not who that women told me id be without her.

one K later, conor and henry who were in town from london flanked me on both saids “lets go carl, you got this brother!” we took off!! “no carl.. not yet..” karo says to me and the boys.. she was right.. we were safe.. we were doing enough.. we were going to cross that finish line if we stayed like this.. the boys stayed with us for 2.5km.. then karo took me to the 40km mark.. i stopped.. asked her for a hug and said “i need to do just do this alone now.. i need to cross the line alone” - i gave her one more hug and went on my way.

those final 2km were here and gone before i knew it.. but in many ways, it felt like a lifetime at the same time.. something i had talked to nikki about that morning was how in paris, i had talked to myself in a way that was full of rage, self doubt and utter disrespect to myself and how that should have been my sign to not even run that day in paris. because why would anyone talk to themself that way? and then he were were, 400m from finishing and all we could do was think about the year prior.. the fear of rejection, confused heartbreak, self pity, doubt in ourself.. and we smiled.. we smiled down as we approached 200m and we said to ourself.. “you did this carl.. i’m proud of you bud.” - 100m now.. the crowd is loud.. “do no waste this carl.. do not fucking waste this.” - 50m now… basically in the shadow of the finish line arch.. “cross the line and get back to work..” - we crossed the finish line.. no tears.. not a single one.. nothing but a smile.. and new found confidence..

the first face we saw was someone i had the year prior, photographed this very race alongside.. she say me, eyes got big and said “Carl!!” and gave me a big hug.. we chatted for a moment before i left saying “i’ll see you next year!” - i made my way to medals, put it on, walked to bag check and collected my things.. and made my way to the exit before seeing my buddy jake and his brother.. we exchanged marathon stories, hugged it out and told each other we were proud..

i exited the park, found a lime bike and biked back to my hotel.. walked in to my room, showered, had a coffee and sat down.. in just utter disbelief.. we had not run with any tracking so there was no social to check, no strava to update.. we had this idea of just doing this for ourself.. we had a chance to just sit with it all.. to accept that we were capable of more than we thought we were a year ago. there was no kudos to comb through, no opinions to weigh.. i wanted to give myself the chance to stand in my own world.. this feeling came over me as if i was standing at the end of a battle, watching the dust settle in real time.. and all around me were the bodies of the old me’s. at the top of the pile, was the version who let someones words hold me at knife point for a decade.. as i sat there, “standing over” my past self, it hit me.. this feeling of knowing now what i knew.. that overcoming the pain of those words had nothing to do with the finishing of a marathon.. but rather everything to do with the fact i was willing to go to war with my insecurities and my pain.

it’s was a realization no one’s opinion is bigger than the opinion you have of yourself.. and while i always thought that was her opinion, that it perhaps hurt for so long because i had believed it. i had believed her. i had allowed the opinion she had of me stand over that of the one i should have had for myself. and in that moment, in room 445, i told myself i’d never let that happen again. that i would no longer let someone speak to me in a way i wouldn’t speak to myself.. it was a realization that truly, knowing the difference could make all the difference.. and the difference here was now i longer believed her. she would no longer have that over me.

the following few days, we did the following.. went for a swim with friends, with our shirt off, danced with friends and strangers until 1am, sat in a sauna with girl, friends.. even taking some photos and sharing them on the internet, no longer hiding behind the fear that maybe she was right.. no longer worrying about if our body looked a litte different than the guy next to me.. fully accepting of the fact this was the body i had the privilege of having for 40 years now.. the same body that just ran it’s best marathon at 40.. the very body that has taken me from country to country, supported me on race day as a photographer, being able to document important moments for so many others.. we were done feeling like we needed validation from others, we were going to let go of the things that were holding us back.. choosing to embrace the feeling that so many in copenhagen showed us.. the love, the softness, the embrace of care and compassion from those were strangers once before, people who wanted nothing from me but everything for me.. it was the people over those two weeks in copenhagen who made me feel like i could let it all go.. and just be carl.. back in his body.. home again from the long way home.. and it meant the world to me.

and damn, does it feel good to be home..

talk soon. x.

carl.

damn, it really has been a minute. that’s on me. where were we even?

i think last time we spoke like this, i had just gotten back from a trip to a few different countries with lany. i finally got around to sharing a few of those images actually. since then i’m trying to think about what we’ve been up to. in this weird way, sometimes it all blends together from my perspective but i suppose thats just me inside my own bubble. but let’s see..

we did go to LA for a couple days to help the team bring our campaign to life for Freaks of Nature’s new “Skin Support Electrolytes” - which was a lot of fun. we shared some bts of that as well today in fact. From there, i took a redeye to NYC to work on a project with a new to me brand that we’ll talk about later.. I was back in DC for a couple days after that but while i was there (in NYC) i was able to attend a film premiere for Saucony which was really enjoyable. After that we made our way back to LA for a handful of days to activate around the LA Marathon. This was my first time watching and photographing this race and i had such a blast. It was also a chance to continue my “women of” photo series, which i just have to say is now my absolute favorite part of race day. the amount of kindness that lives in the comments section of these photos, is so refreshing and bring such a warmness to my heart. a really nice result of these as well are the amount of amazing women, i’ve had the chance to meet and learn from as well as hear their stories about race day and the impact their experience had on them. really is such a special thing to me and i look forward to it now with each race day.

After LA, we spent some more time in the district before we popped down to Neptune Florida for a few days of writing and reflecting. Not sure if youtube is your thing but i spoke a lot in this episode.. and spoke for like 9 minutes about ilypmw.

After florida, we made our way back to the district slash virginia, where we’re writing from now. we’re basically here for another 12 hours or so before hitting the road again to close out March and then April is here and before i know it we’ll be in Boston for the marathon and then Copenhagen for my own race. It’s funny ya know, it felt like it took us forever to get the year started and just a couple days ago, i took a meeting about an event in September.. time just isn’t real sometimes.

things as of late have been pretty quiet despite a lot of travel. we’ve been really trying to find every chance to dial back in other areas of our life. if not work, training or actually spending time with people who bring joy to our life, i’ve really tried not to entertain it. i’ve come find over the last few months, the difference in how i feel not only physically but emotionally when i reserve my time for things that i enjoy. i was asked recently about posting less online and one of the things i found is that i’ve been using my camera for me agian. for fun. for no other reason than to just use it. for instance i was out in LA, salu and i went out for a little hike and put together a set of images and shot some video. we used to do that years ago for fun to grow.. it was really a beautiful thing to do to just do. not to grow, not to learn, just to spend time together. i left that night feeling so happy. i think what i love about it so much is i know his past pain, he knows mine.. we’ve always had such a open dialogue as friends that it makes any desire for any sort of wall put up between us, obsolete.. those kind of friendships are so good for the soul.

a few more highlights of late were being able to watch the oscars with friends at wills house, going record shopping with Jul & Zo ahead of the la betty party.. then playing soccer together the next day.. however, the next day i ran 18 miles and felt the impact of taking a soccer ball to the knee, so much so that i have not run since and while that’s literally not ideal due to being in marathon training, we’re doing the resting now and recovery first before having to deal with it closer to marathon day.. being smart as we can basically.

all in all, the last month and change has been really nice. a lot of change has happened quietly and to be honest, i prefer it that way. i think it’s nice to just make a decision and move on and spend less time dwelling. essentially i think it’s incredibly important in life these days to be firm in your decision making. that does not mean your immune to mistakes but for me, there’s such a belief in myself that comes from connecting my heart and gut in my decision making process. between the two of them, i don’t believe i can go wrong. and yes, others may disagree, but they are neither your gut nor your heart, so why would you ever let them be your brain? ya know?

anyways.. we have a couple of exciting weeks ahead and things are for the most part going really well. we’re still taking it day by day but i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that i’m excited to see what happens next. we’ll see, i suppose.

ok.. last thing… i feel like lists have been kind of our thing so let’s go with 5 things that are making me happy lately.

1. my youtube. i know i know selfish plug but i’m really proud of the consistency. i made it a rule for myself we’d not focus on views or “growing” but rather maintain it as a sense of routine but with each new comment and subscriber, it feels like we’re getting more and more comfortable putting ourself out there.

   

2. before & after by timmy arisa - i saw one like 20 second tiktok from him and was hooked on this tune. i checked his spotify and think he had like 120 monthly listeners and i felt like i was somewhere i wasn’t supposed to know about in a good way. lol. it just is such a raw, lo-fi tune and makes my chest feel good.

   

3. movie trailers. pretty self explanatory but it feels like we’re about to have an amazing run of tv and film the next year or so and i cannot get enough of all the trailers.

4. a rewatch of homeland. i know the show is not loved by everyone but for me it really is such a special show. it also felt like it’s part of this generation of tv series that really got to be a part of the golden era of twitter and i used to really love the commentary there after each episode. shows like mad men, breaking bad.. i feel like modern days we get that with white lotus a lot.. i just really love homeland. i’m sorry.

5. again, i’m just really proud of the team i work for and with and all the hard work it took to get us to launch our new electrolyte… i often times think about how hard i think i’m working for this brand, Freaks of Nature, then i take a step back and realize all that my two main leads in Julia and Isadora do every single day and it’s just so inspiring. To have been able to call them both Boss for the last two years has been so rewarding. i am literally so grateful to be part of this team every day and cannot wait for so many more folks to try what we just released! which ok, wait.. let’s try something… screen shot the image below and DM it to me on instagram.. the first five people do so, will get a 30 pack sent to them..

well.. ok, i suppose that’s it.. we’ll try to do better next time folks!

talk soon. x.

carl.

also listening to this.

i explained to them that i was feeling sick and was just under it.. they said, if you’re sick and need some time.. to go back to my bunk and take some time. i apologized and explained i would be ok.. and that i was very sorry for being late. they explained they understood and are aware mistakes happened.. this hadn’t happened yet while on deployment so it was out of character.. they then said.. to just go back to my bunk and get some rest. “you sure?” i replied… “yes.. go back, take 30 minutes.. then get back here and be ready to go.” - i stared in confusion.. “you can’t take the whole night off.. and you’re first meeting is at 8pm.. so that gives you about 30 minutes..”

i think about this moment a lot these days. i remember it because it was said with such compassion and kindness. but also it was relayed to me at the same time that you have a job to do. you are it. the people in that room all have their role to play and you are the one in charge of yours. this had nothing to do with hustle culture but everything to do with reality of the situation. i didn’t end up taking the 30 minutes but for the next few days, i made sure to take it easy. it was a wake up call that i had been pushing things too hard. there was no real rush to get through the day.. working faster or longer wasn’t going to get me there sooner. but not even being able to get there at all due to poor health was a real possibility. i think about this idea of longevity in health and the ability to be productive as i get older.

one thing i’m hyper aware of is this idea of wanting to work my entire life while also being able to workout my entire life. i wanna be that old man moving at a glacial pace to the general public but internally im running a 6 minute mile.. we all know one of them. :)

i’m trying to slow down a little more in my life in the moments where i can slow down. and tonight i feel like was a subtle reminder of that. i spent that year in afghanistan on a camp inside the pink box.. i was there for a few days shy of a year, minus a 3 week R&R break in the middle.. while there i worked every single day, from anywhere from 12-15 sometimes 16/7 hours a day. there was literally nowhere to go but for some reason i felt the need to rush.. i’m trying not to rush so much these days.. or least only on moments i sort of have to.

ok that’s all.. sorry i was just thinking about that for a second.. felt like it was kind of helpful as to provide some context as to what makes me, me, these days.

talk soon. x.

carl.

ok forgive me.. i know we missed last week but things have been quite engaged over here lately.. for some context, week four of the year i left for dubai and also went to mumbai and cairo before taking off for jeddah in saudi arabia all within like 8 days. it was actually the trip of a lifetime but it beat me up for sure. so many flights, so many time zones, so many bottles of water and tbh not a lot of coffee.. we’ll probably talk more about what we were up to at a later date but i want to sit with it for a while. i want to kind of understand what happened a little more before i spew a reaction i’m not quite sure of. this trip wasn’t a shared plate at a dimly lit spot in new york city where it’s sort of too late to acknowledge you don’t like the dish and you’re not quite sure you wanna be super open with the person you’re with in case they loved it and you’re worried about looking like a negative nugget.. so we’re gonna let it sit for a while.. what i will say though is this trip was a reminder and solidifies something that’s been on my mind for a while..

when it comes to people in my life.. new friends.. even old friends for that matter, something i think about these days is just how much of their life i wasn’t around for. there’s so much to them i missed. so many small moments that make up who they are as a human.. but as we get older, i think we fear this idea of repeating ourself because some people in our life have heard the story.. but i haven’t? and i want to. i wanna know how high school impacted you. i wanna know what you did during college. i wanna know about that trip you went on that made you who you are. i wanna hear about the curb you sat on and cried because your crush hurt you over a text.. i wanna know about why certain colors make you feel certain things.. basically i know i’m getting to know you now but i want to learn about your history just as much as i hope to be part of your present.. ya know?

i think during this trip something i thought a lot about was how fun it’s going to be to tell these stories 5-10 years down the road. the idea of one day maybe talking to someone i dont even know yet about the pyramids just feels really beautiful to me. i’m not sure if this makes sense to you but for me its something that helped me stay focused on the trip in front of me.. i want to remember this in ways i dont think ive wanted to remember things in the past.

i got to log miles for marathon training in dubai, mumbai and saudi arabia and that feels really cool. i was in shorts for all of those runs and have now been in full legged tights from ten thousand since i got back to dc. we had a really nice workout on monday and was able to get some time in with friends on sunday. feeling a little beat up from travels still which is making the workouts a little tough at the moment but we’ll recover sooner or later.

it’s currently like 10:02pm as i write this on wednesday and i’m waiting for episode 5 of the youtube to upload.. while we were away, i wasn’t able to find wifi strong enough to upload episode 4 so we got two today. while that uploads, i’m going to work on some photos from mumbai and jeddah before heading to bed. it’s been nice to post today, being able to share some non-running images from mumbai and the pyramids.. always nice to just make photos of whats in front of me from time to time.

ok.. i gotta end this now to switch over to lightroom but the yt videos are both done so i’ll link that stuff below.

we’ll see | episode 4

we’ll see | episode 5

some mumbai images

some pyramids images

a little photo dump

ONE MORE THING

at the start of the year i made a comment about not wanting to be the only thing people consume so we’re gonna try to keep doing this.. every so often, i wanna share five folks who i find inspiration from and feel like you should perhaps maybe give some of your available attention to.

FIVE TO GIVE ATTENTION TO:

1. Caleb Sloop - co-founder of SEEK coffee.. a new to me brand but i’ve been able to follow him for a bit now and there’s a drive about him that i just really enjoy. i’m not quite sure if seek sits in the 3rd of 4th wave of coffee or if in reality they are paving their own new wave but it’s going to be really fun to see where they take this brand. i’m really excited to have finally been able to try the canned version.

2. Larissa Merlyn Selena - the most outside person i think i know. i happened to photograph Larissa during the NYC marathon and someone tagged her in my set and since then i’ve enjoyed so much watching her life from afar as she ventures outside in the winter. it feels like a cheat code being able to see so many beautiful spots in the world for free through her adventures but it’s an access i do not take for granted.

3. Nas (like the rapper) - i know i’ve talked about Nas in the past on my gram but i had to share here for this series. Basically before i step outside, i look at my fits and say “am i nas or nah?” - if i could steal anyones closet.. im stealing Nas’ for sure. Everytime i’ve had the chance to link irl and chat i just find myself wanting to listen more than talk and just soak in their creativity. If you follow Nas you’ll find yourself quickly understanding what I’m talking about.

4. Joekenneth Museau - my guy will be in NYC then randomly be running a race then two days later be at some hotel you’ve never heard of or can spell and do it all without making you feel like you’re out of the loop or out of touch. i know people like to use the word “influencer” with caution these days or as if it’s something to look down on.. but if he was to be considered one, he for me would be in a field of his own. everything feels like it took 5 minutes to make but cost $50K at the same time..? like its just so simple but taken care of at the same time. half the time, i feel like he’s just taking us with him before it dawns on me he’s working.. that may not sound correct but for me its what makes him so fun to pay attention to. i never feel like i’m being sold to. i feel like im being included..

5. sarah amalija - i’ve never met sarah and i’m not even sure the route in which i took to come across their page but the film photos are what kept me here. every frame looks like it has that little yellow and black font writing with something in french from an art film the coolest person you know posts about a year before twitter does.. i always feel like photographers in berlin just have a cheat code when it comes to just anything art related and i cant explain but its clear sarah has a visual identity and it’s one i really enjoy trying to learn from. if you’re in to shooting film, i think you’ll find a lot of inspiration from following sarah.

talk soon. x.

carl.

ps.. thanks for watching the youtube and texting me about it. that means so much to me.

hello friends - missed you last week! as you may be aware, we’re trying to keep things kind of simplified here weekly on the internet. which simply just means we post on wednesday only. yes we’ll comment on our friends post, support with likes and kudos but as far as a pressing of the “publish” button - we reserve that for wednesday.

last week was quite busy in regards to posting. it sort of just kind of played out that way. we had a busy week prior and while trying to be offline more this year, what i’m also trying to avoid is missing a chance to celebrate some moments. we helped host a race in dc, we collabed with insta360, and my friends at subble & co posted a nice feature on me and the state of “the crisp of fall” - we also shared episode two of the youtube and then heck by the end of the day i had to get a Q1. Week 2 visual review.. and yeah.. basically after all that, i just thought maybe let’s not chat here.

that being said.. here’s what we shared last week

a glance at how i approach track photography

a couple of the boys running

a collab with stubble & co

a brief look at episode two of “we’ll see”

Q1. WEEK 2. VISUAL REVIEW

EPISODE TWO OF “We’ll See” in full

As far as episode three.. we also shared that here.

We have been working on a few things behind the scenes as we prepared for the year to ramp up and things have been moving along nicely. marathon training is coming along well.. the coach i am working with, really has me feeling my goal is reachable.. but it will only happen if i follow their guidance. we’re on strava if you’d like to hangout there as well.

This one really is quick but wanted to make sure you knew i was here still. a big week 4 ahead of us, so i’ll save the long one for next week. ok that’s all.

talk soon. x.

carl.

i was on a call yesterday with someone, which btw.. it was such a good call and felt like the exact call i needed to start the year of with.. anyways.. on the call i made comment about how tomorrow (today) would be my first wednesday of the year posting (quick explainer here) and how by the end of the day, i felt like my friends would either be happy to see me posting or sick of me by the end of the day. but then i posted about being on youtube now and moments like i got this text from a friend and suddenly every ounce of worry just went away.

as i mentioned in the video, i understand the idea of “new year. new me.” and while that’s never really been my style.. i appreciate the idea of it. what i’m hoping to accomplish this year in regards to creative and hitting “publish” is to make the most of a single day. i toggle this line of wanting to be visible but also not wanting to be ever present..

i’m not quite sure if there’s any real goal with this or benchmark.. i actually really have loved watching friends grow their youtube audience, heck even grow on social period but that metric is one i’m not quite sure how i feel about it. what i do know is i dont want to “film for youtube” meaning, i want it to be known, none of what you’re about to hopefully see was done so to make an episode or fill time. a friend pointed out they liked that they could tell i filmed it. that sort of “hand made” feel to the videos is what i want to come across. some of my favorite people to follow on the internet are the ones who can tell their own story without needing a second set of hands. however*** please don’t take that to mean i’m discrediting anyone who is filmed.. im just simply stating im inspired by the ones who i see do it on their own.

the last or shall i say first six days of the year have been really fun. a sort of living in quiet.. being able to document my week knowing there’d be a recap on the back end felt like this sort of commute home to tell my roomies about my week at work. the irony of posting less was i found myself consuming more. but in the form of long from story telling. i watched a few docs on youtube, i read and caught up on some folks substacks.. i spent more time game planning the year. i spent more time on my actual business, getting paperwork in order to set up the year. i sit here on day 7 of the year, feeling like all i need to do now is do this 51 one more times this year. easy enough right?

ok.. in the essence of keeping this “quick update” thing quick.. we’ll end it here but here’s what we shared today:

LIKE A DETAIL. issue: 003

THE CARLNARD VLOG | WE'LL SEE | EP: 1

LOGGING THE IMPORTANT PART OF MARATHON TRAINING. the fits.

Speaking of training, we are logging miles on strava. join me?

Q1. WEEK 1. VISUAL REVIEW.

i told myself i could do this and getting through week one makes me feel really encouraged but as one minor little add to to the youtube video.. i make a comment about not wanting to be the only thing people consume so we’re gonna do this.. every so often, i wanna share five folks who i find inspiration from and feel like you should perhaps maybe give some of your available attention to.

FIVE TO GIVE ATTENTION TO:

1. Jon Hjelholt - based in copenhagen and basically creating a visual identity of his own and has the kind of creative that if you removed names from social, i’d be able to identify his work everytime. i also truly don’t understand how he is so good at using flash in the way that he does. it’s just so good.

2. Trey Étseyatsé - tbh, i have no clue when he sleeps or gets anything done because it feels like every time i see him, he’s crushing a run or taking care of his health in other ways but it’s a massive inspiration to me so i’ll welcome it anytime.

3. Guerrilla FC - based in washington dc with more history than you’d realized.. this soccer focused community is on an absolute run of bringing the footy culture back and better than ever before to dc. their whole team deserves a lot of attention. excited to see what they do, come world cup season.

4. Samah Dada - i dare you to be able to watch only one of her cooking videos.. go ahead try.. you can’t only watch one. good luck though. she’s also basically made it impossible to see a date and not think of her and the way she weaves them in to her creative. i just enjoy her creative so much.

5. Josh Lynott & Notes Running - i got to see their work up close during their marathon activation with maurten and seeing the impact their notes had on runners in real time was so beautiful. the space of running has so much hidden competition masked by over use of the word “community” to sell rsvp’s to events that to see this was so refreshing. it’s going to be really hard to miss them in 2026 so may as well familiarize yourself now to make sure you don’t miss them if you end up where they are.

talk soon. x.

carl.

ps.. thanks to everyone who watched and messaged about it. really means a lot to me.

wait.. sorry, ps.. this is one of my favorite john adlibs to “my stupid mouth” of all time.

I just want to begin this by going on the record in saying, i think the current state of running style is going through in real time, the era of which those of were around for that classing football (soccer) styling we love and adore so much today.. trying to dial in on that more, what i mean is.. in that era, players had their own styling. they for the most part had more options than ever before. players at the time showed their style in ways the sport had not yet seen. and while i know this isn’t ground breaking, there was no one who did that better than david beckham… you could maybe make an argument for ronaldinho, yes.. but id argue his “style” that we remember was in how he played on the pitch.

becks though had this way of while having access to the same pieces everyone else did, styling them in a way that felt like he actually had a different boot room than the rest of his teammates. i’m not sure if even to this day anyone has come close to his energy in the sport since then.. and even then, i feel like most tend to just be echoes of the style he owned for so long… i was thinking about his styling recently after coming across a tiktok of his old footage and it made me think about styling in sport and how it relates to current days #menswear. - a lot of this is also because i saw in this video recently and one of the guests talks about how head-to-toe with a brand is his their opinion a lack of having personal style and i can honestly say, i felt that.

I’m not going to take you down the history of menswear, i’m not remotely an expert but i will try to go down some archives to piece together this feeling of 90’s / early’s 00’s footy is what running style is today..

I think if you go outside of the sport of soccer, perhaps the closet thing you can get is 90’s basketball, more specifically that bulls team.. the one that went to paris.. and did it like nobody else.

when i think about the current state of running apparel i tend to sort of feel like it’s all blending together. and before you jump on me with comments on my own style.. let me defend myself for a minute with some credentials:

1. i bought my first tracksmith piece in march of 2015.

2. i bought my first satisfy piece in 2018 at their first ever pop-up.

3. i used to be made fun of for wearing both of them by people who are running “influencers” today.

4. i basically wear the same look i’ve been wearing since 2020.

5. i have been running with my ears out of beanie since like 2016.

6. i genuinely believe tom black and i were the first two people to wear uvu in new york city.. in like 2022.

7. i have minted new york items older than sam snowden’s youtube video for them. (s/o sam though, dude’s a legend)

8. i wore a long sleeve white shirt from noah under a t-shirt in like 2021 to run all the time.

so… basically i know what i’m talking about. ok? lol

what i was basically trying to say is that running style at this current moment in time is in an era where i think at some point we’ll look back on as a great era.. but what will ruin that is the pace at which brands move because of how fast the internet moves. with the rise of mood boards and accounts that basically screen shot everyone else’s content and mix it with a quote they found on pinterest, it’s fostered this reality of so much “style” just being done for the mood boards. it’s hard to scroll through and find any actual individual style. it’s the same font, just different variants. i supposed every niche goes through this. skate culture it’s own energy, then thrasher and ccs made things more visible.. then next thing ya know, we went from wanting everything tony hawk to then wanting chad muska and eric koston, andrew reynolds.. - for me, i remember just walking the cd aisle for hours finding new bands.. it’s how i came across the used, acceptance, the blood brothers.. and i’d share them with my friends.. then that band would come to town, and you’d realized they were bigger than your friend group. with myspace, came purevolume, then youtube and soundcloud.. now it feels like you can’t keep up with the amount of music while also seemingly only having the magic of that feeling of “this is our band” for more than a day or two but before tiktok picks it up and it goes from viral to “cooked” in a span of a week.

ok, sorry enough of sounding like an old man shaking his fist at the sky, let’s talk what we actually like about the space right now..

1. there’s something for everyone - unlike ever before, you have so many options of brands to choose from, it’s almost silly to show up to a run wearing the same fit as the next person. i walked in to a local running store the other day and felt like i walked in to the supply close of corporate fun run. you should know that with a little more effort and some time spent investing in to what you actually like, you can find the perfect anything for you. there really is a brand that aligns with you in many aspects and it’s ok to go with the small brand.

2. district vision is the brand you think that other brand is - recently, DV celebrate ten years as a brand and while even for me, having made my first purchase with them at the end of 2019, early 2020.. i realize there’s so much of that brands history i’ve not seen. but at the same time it feels like we’ve seen nothing yet from this brand. it feels with every collection, they seem to only get better and better. i think ive said this before they to me make the best quarter zip rain layer.. i feel like their frames are still the most sought after and time and time again, they release a collection with new balance that feels like nothing else, while feeling familiar at the same time.

3. uvu is here to stay - first and foremost, let’s be clear.. this brand basically launched a hundred brands. its felt like ever since they hit the streets with the “training club” tee, it sparked copycats left and right. though one thing i think this brand has remained smart is, there ability to do the “thing” on their terms. take my own words about the toque against me.. they could have launched this years ago and rocked it but they did it on their terms in a way that says “when we have a version we like, we make our own.” - but none of their messaging is about the material or how it’s “better” then the version you already own. i suppose my last note on their apparel is the stuff i bought years ago, is still stuff i reach for today. talking to adi personally in chicago recently, he told me “we’re constantly looking to improve quality..” and that i can attest to but its worth knowing they’ve always cared about quality.

4. non running brands, are the new “running brand” - in the video i shared earlier, the comment Aaron has - “personal style isn’t “i buy this brand” - personal style is whatever you think looks good.” is something i could not agree with more.. and i feel like it helps me explain further what i mean by “running brand” too often, i feel like there’s so much thinking in to best serve your run, you need to be running in a running brand. you don’t. for reference… last year, i went to cabela’s and bought two of their camo shirts. they cost me $19.99 and i have now lost track of much i’ve worn them. after posting about them, the link sticker i shared on my stories was tapped over a hundred times. so on that note, here is the short sleeve. this can and maybe should be an example of just finding something in the arena of what you’re looking for but is not quite the obvious option. in short, chances are the thing you want from that running brand is made by a non-running brand and gives you the chance to pave your own wave. oh and sorry one more note.. if you ever see me wearing anything you like, please do not hesitate to ask for the link. i will never gatekeep.

5. ebay has an amazing repository of “vintage” - think of the thing you want, search it on ebay, add “vintage” and take like 2.5 seconds to scroll.. you’ll probably find it. add jacket or sweathshirt.. or long sleeve.. put in some effort and i promise you you’ll find it. chances are you don’t even need to “bid” most of the time its an available now option. along with vintage.. they have things from modern day that you may have missed at a pop-up or a weekend event in a city you got to late. just take some time.. be willing scroll, remove the idea of “instant” from your shopping needs and you’ll find the thing you are thinking of.

6. tracksmith is the reason a lot of your favorite brands exist - walk with me here.. yes, i am aware running brands existed before tracksmith. i know they did not invent running apparel.. but let me explain using coffee.. coffee is often referred to in waves, your first wave being diner coffee, canned coffee like folgers.. second wave came in the form of pete’s which inspired starbucks - who would go on to inspire the next generation.. intelligentsia, stumptown.. blue bottle.. - so now take that same concept and apply it to running apparel… first wave, your nike, adidas.. puma.. perhaps even under armor. who comes to mind after that and before who you think of today? for a lot of us, it would be tracksmith. they introduced modern cuts with vintage look and feel. i still to this day remember seeing someone in tracksmith for the first time.. i instantly wanted it. they for a decade now have been the brand, others want to replace or take market share from. in 2021, i sat down with the founder of a running brand, a few months away from re-launching and he said. “i want to be the ALD of running, i want to be the tracksmith of new york. i never want to see anyone running in tracksmith in new york.” - it says a lot about where a brand stands when your goal is to make sure you rid the city of it. now im not saying starbucks is the best coffee and im not saying tracksmith is the best running brand.. but it’s important to understand that because of their efforts and proof of concept, it helped launched dozens of others.

7. like the “small” brands early - a couple months ago, i was talking with someone about a piece of product they were gifted and they shared with me a comment that really rubbed me the wrong way… “I had a feeling there’d be qc problems to say the least lol but this is why I generally default to actually wearing “real” brands in technical stuff like that.” - i think this bothered me so much because it goes back to the starbucks /tracksmith comment of needing to understand that the brands you love today, started off small and started off kind of “getting it wrong” - it’s almost impossible to think a brand won’t go through ideation periods where they dial in their product and turn it from an idea in their mind to a beloved product. i like to think of it as working backwards.. imagine if some guy came to you today and handed you a pair of shoes he used his waffle maker to help shape.. and you stopped supporting that brand, or if that guy who made them was someone who was nice to you..? in that scenario, you’d be talking about nike? i always sort of liken it to those photos we’d see of beckham in the early 2000’s.. we maybe didn’t have access to understanding what he was wearing in terms of brands, but we could feel his fits. we liked them and we didnt really care where the items were from. this to me is the example of why it’s important to appreciate and value the “small” brand in terms of piecing your style together. basically, not every brand in your “tags” needs to have a blue check..

When you look at old photos of Becks, often time he is wearing the same brand head to toe depending on the team he was with. he wore adidas his whole career but yet while wearing the same gear issued to the team, he made it his own. this came in a few forms, how he wore it, where he wore it, and how he styled it. fashion is not simply just wearing what is viral or what the mood boards tell you to wear. at a certain point, when you follow trends and the mood boards or dress for them, you end up becoming dependent on them for reference, when in theory, style is what makes you feel comfortable. and hey, if head to toe one brand makes you feel comfortable… fine.

look, basically what i’m trying to say is i think we are very much in a golden era of running apparel. we have never at one time had so many options but i reference the beautiful era of soccer styling as an example of please let’s not mess it up. brands still to this day try to capture that magic, adidas and nike both are calling back to it like never before but deep down, we know it doesn’t feel the same. so when it comes to this era of running apparel, i beg of us to treat it with care, to not feel the need to move on too fast. the same #menswear blogger who told us to not wear baggie jeans and move skinny went back to baggie and now is if you look closes enough encouraging a soft walk back to skinny.. they cannot make up their mind but thats largely in part to letting trends and the brands themselves dictate the direction we go in. do your own research.. be your own person. ok.. that’s all. for now…

talk soon. x.

carl.

we’ll see.

recently, i found myself watching the copenhagen episode of the bear and there’s this part where one of them is asking another one about all the work they’ve done in their career, all of the training, spending time at different spots to learn things at, spending time doing this and that, so on and so forth.. and one asks, “was it all worth it?” and they answer.. “ask me tomorrow” - and i couldn’t help but think about how much that hit.. it reminded me of how i was in paris running the marathon one time and a friend and i got tanks made with "i’ll tell you next year” translated in french as this sort of joke but in reality, we had this mentality of just giving things time, to never pass an instant judgement on a moment.

so as the year comes to a close and we prepare to dial back on how often we show up online next year.. i wanted to at least make sure we gave space to moments that felt really impactful to me this year. there’s been a lot of moments this year that in some ways i still feel like i am not quite yet fully understanding of their value in regards to the role they have played or will play in my life but i believe they will in some way shape or form. So with that in mind, i thought i’d reflect back on 12 months, one for each month. Not much so in the form of a “best” list but just 12 moments that feel like some day i’ll have these moments in my life where i’ll say “it all started after.. xyz” and be able to call back to these moments as ones that had a bigger impact than i imagined they would in that moment.

1. JANUARY & PIPE PRO - being in Hawaii for the second time felt like such a different experience than the first. not only was i somewhat more comfortable with my role and responsibilities with Freaks of Nature, but i felt a real sense of empowered by who i work for and with. At the beginning, the idea was I’d be on the north shore for a few days for the WSL tourny - but as time went on, it turned in to a two week long trip. while in town, we partnered with two run crews - which to this day are clubs we keep in touch with. we partnered with surfer mag and i got to meet and learn from a member of their team, Chris - who brought me up to speed on all things surf history and culture. I think being in running for so long, it was so fun to explore a new community and learn who is who. Part of my role there was to meeting the surf community at large and a lot of times this just meant cold intro’s and saying to hello to random people at random. One time, I did so to a family I saw at the skate park across from pipe pro.. turned out the father was a pro from Brazil.. whoops. From there, every time we saw each other around town, it was all love and it’s been fun to keep up with their career since then. what stands out so much about this experience is, I went to it knowing nothing about it the experience yet, left feeling like I made a good name from myself and more importantly the brand.

2. FEBRUARY & LANY AT THE KENNEDY CENTER - in the spring of 2015, i went to a show in dc at a venue called DC9 to see this new band from LA who at the time only had a few songs released. A decade later, that same band came back to DC but this time to play songs at the kennedy center, two nights in a row. it’s a venue not many play, especially bands like theirs and yet as a result of the way they have built their name and cared for their band, there they were.. on a stage that’s about as iconic as it gets in the district. for me, being there both nights was symbolic because it was a reminder of what’s possible when you do you thinks your way, on your timeline and your pace. there are probably so many ways to get somewhere faster but at what cost? those two nights with friends on both nights was a weekend in washington dc that no matter the occasion, i can’t help but think about every time i pass by the venue.

3. MARCH & THE SPEED PROJECT - in what felt like the longest week of the year at that point, Freaks of Nature for the third year support the speed project, this time from LA to LV, previously documenting france and the cycling editions. for this third go at it, we supported the solo runners, and i joined in with a solo runner from dc, originally planning to solo with another athlete until injury caught up to them. the team was crewed by an amazing cast of friends who did everything from run, drive and prep meals. the injured runner, even made the trip and personally drove the hardest stretch of time through a path known as powerline road. during this week of documenting a solo runner, we delivered not only a deep photo library of images but also i shot and produced two different short films. my biggest take away from this experience is the understanding of just how much creative i think im capable of. i take a lot of pride in my ability to do a lot and to create work that others enjoy. its never been about creating to create but i do believe this moment really showed people just how capable i am when it comes to output.

4. APRIL & A HORRIBLE MARATHON - i wrote about this race in a past article, and essentially concluded with this idea i’ll never run a marathon again… i’d end up changing my mind on that months later but in that moment, as a result of a really horrible day on the pavement, finishing a marathon i basically felt embarrassed to even collect a medal from, i now have a whole new understanding and belief in myself in what i want to do with myself in terms of the marathon. that day went from being a horrible day to months later being one i’m really grateful to have experienced because it really has had a lasting impact on me.

5. MAY & A LIFE CHANGE - as a result, i believe of some kind introductions by friends and a photo i took at the half marathon the year before, i found myself in copenhagen photographing the marathon on behalf of the actual marathon. i’ve always wanted my career to be one that took me abroad and this experience was one that i believe also set in motion a ton of other really great moments and relationships in my career. it would also be this trip that made me want to hit pause on drinking alcohol for a period of time. i had this moment during the trip where i just felt like something was off and i just said to myself, “carl you have to change.” - from there i went for a sunset dip in the water by myself and i knew that moment i could do it. this would lead to me losing 25lbs, feeling better than i had in years and having a completely new foundation for my love of running. it was a rough couple of weeks to start but by the time i got my feet under me, the progress became motivating and the support from friends became the reward. 229 days later, we’re still sober and we’re signed up to run that very marathon ourself in the new year.

6. JUNE & FASHION WEEK IN PARIS - damn.. no actually, like damn. this trip changed my life. i made the decision last minute. i had basically chance to finding a hotel i could actually afford until a friend stepped in with help on an airbnb.. i made the trip to paris direct from italy, photographing a wedding.. and i was a month sober and anxious the excitement of the weekend would be too much and pull me back. my airbnb was im not even joking, like 110° inside at day time so i spent all day outside bouncing from bit to bit, thing to thing, meeting to meeting, taking every single chance i could to meet people, introduce myself as well as introduce folks to freaks. i took a billion coffee meetings in five days, basically used every lime bike the city has to offer and found time to document running, shoot an engagement, and tell a friend how much it meant to me that they called my name earlier that month. i also got to watch faith go for the mile record and cried the whole time. i feel like this trip is still barely halfway unpacked but i cannot even begin to describe how important it was for me and my career.

7. JULY & A DECISION - on the 13th i moved 99% of my stuff in to storage, moved out of my apartment and hit the road. i wanted to see what a life on the road would do for me, my brands i work with as well as my own abilities. i talked about it in the from of wanting to find a new threshold for what im capable of, it was born out of a desire to race towards to the unknown in real form. i cant relive this month for much longer as i personally feel like the key and most important takeaway was to bet on yourself.. and to do so with the understanding you may fail. you may ruin things, you may make things harder on yourself but deep down, you yourself know it will all pay off! however, we’re still waiting to find out i suppose.

8. AUGUST & A TRIP TO STOCKHOLM - the start of a new creative era. one that involved understanding this was the start and it’s exciting but this is the beginning of what will be a very long process. every day in the city, i had to make it a point to remind myself that you gotta go slow. ease in to things if you will. knowing the process of creative a coffee table book already, i wanted to make sure i put those lessons learned to good use. the idea, documenting fall racing across six different races, ending with the nyc marathon in new york.. the project as of now is called “the crisp of fall” but that may change. this was my first time in the country and the city of stockholm. found time to squeeze in a couple of runs, meet some locals, get a little shopping in and the point of it all.. document the half marathon. the next morning we were off!

9. SEPTEMBER & COPENHAGEN TO BERLIN - a year prior to this trip, i made my way to copenhagen for the first time.. urged on by a few danes in my life, that visit would go on to spark a trip later in december, then again in may, which would lead to this one, my fourth visit to a city that in so many ways, i’m kicking myself for waiting so long to visit. though i suppose, whats made it so important is the people who i’ve come to know there and friends ive fallen in love with. (yes, you can fall in love with your friends) - i believe my experience with the city is mae possible because so many of those who live there have welcomed me with open arms. i got to document for DISTANCE, join in on shakeout runs, document a few friends on shakeout runs, document a buddies unsanctioned race as well as just enjoy the city on my own terms. spent time at dinner across from pretty humans, break bread over sandwiches with boys from different countries and to cap it all off, i left the city on a train and made my way to berlin.. an hour 8 hour ride that felt like the calmest 8 hours of my entire year. i remember just sitting there thinking “how is this my life?” - like what in the actual flip did i do to deserve a life like this? the train was full of people who spoke a language i couldnt understand and yet, i felt at home and at ease. i worked the entire train ride. cell service was in and out but the music on my headphones stayed on and i made it to berlin ready for another incredible weekend.

10. OCTOBER & A TRIP TO CHICAGO - in august, i went to chicago for freaks of nature and as i left, i made an instagram dump and said “brb, moving to chicago” and was at the time joking.. then fast forward to this trip and the realization that maybe i wasn’t joking.. then i landed back in the city for the chicago marathon and it just hit me that maybe this is actually where i need to be.. fast forward we’d make the decision to do just that and now we’re in the process of making it happen. that weekend had such an impact on me. some good, some bad and in the end, some really great stuff happened. one of the things i got to do on this trip was a boat ride as a result of some hard work of a few friends and support for their mission by some really great people.. and while on the boat, i watched the sun set behind the skyline and it just felt right.. like i was exactly where i was meant to be.. i didnt make the decision in that moment but i feel like that moment made the decision for me. i just needed some time to realize it.

11. NOVEMBER & DIALING BACK - this month, saw the end of production for the next coffee table book, this month saw me run another 24 hour marathon for vets, reaching 60 + miles without a nap, laying down or creating a single tiktok about “everything i hate” - this made it three years in a row of doing it to do it, still asking the non-profit i raise money for to not tell me how much money we’ve raised. this month also saw me publish 10k plus images from the nyc marathon for runners from all over the world. this month also saw loss in friendship, and relationships ive had for years. we often times i think have these moments in our life where we feel like we’re the crazy one for airing out how we feel about things so we bottle them up. we do so often times to protect how the other person will feel. for me, i do it to avoid hearing people say “do you think you’re over reacting?” - that question, im almost certain was invented by someone who believed others should shrink themselves to be more digestible for others. this month made me realize that dialing back on relationships can be good for you. and though the loss may hurt.. much like the feeling of being punched.. it hurts, it feels like it came out of nowhere, but in the end you realize you saw the punch coming the whole time.. but in the end, you’ll be alright…

12. DECEMBER & RUNNING AGAIN - i know end of year things are meant to feel uplifting and i dont mean to push back against that but i also think its very important to be realistic. i could post all i want on the internet to serve me and serve only me and i’m fully aware there a lot of men on the internet who do that.. i have this deal with myself to be someone who does the work rather than someone who talks about how hard it is. i don’t know where everyone got the idea it was supposed to be easy.. i dont know why men on the internet are so determined to convince you they work harder than the next person. this genre of guy who believes the time they wake up makes them worth supporting.. or you should believe in there mission or buy their brand or follow their journey because they ‘“work hard” - who the fuck, works easy? the truth is, the “harder” it is, the more its worth doing. like why would anyway be interested in easy to begin with? december for me has been hard.. but january was hard.. the whole year was hard. nothing was easy. but everything was worth doing. i’ve somehow felt in the month that is supposed to be about rest, a desire to do the opposite.. but that’s me.. that does not make me special. and that certainly does not make me worth supporting. the fact is.. i trie easy.. easy was drinking a lot. easy was not running. and easy made my life worse. but the opposite of easy is not hard.. hard is not special, hard is the normal of people who don’t talk about how hard it is. they just do. and i made it a point to make doing the norm for me.. because december comes to an end.. and then january comes.. but it carries over.. it all carries over. because everything is connected and everything matters.

at the end of day, the biggest lesson i learned this year is to just be proud of yourself out loud, regardless of what others think, love what you love, love it out loud, love it hard and give up on trying to be cool. just exist. just be yourself. stop trying to make the mood board, stop trying to be a mood board. just exist. and maybe most importantly, take lesson from the plants and grow towards the direction the brightest sun in life comes from. the rain will come, the shadows will fade but in the end, the sun that warms you the most, is the direction worth leaning towards.. i hope that makes sense.

ok.. that’s all i have to say this year. thank you for reading. thank you being here. thank you for the space and thank you for your energy… like we heard.. im not sure if any of this is worth it but i suppose, ask me tomorrow.. and maybe i’ll tell you next year.

talk soon. x.

carl.

the other day, i was rewatching the a cutdown version of drake’s iceman episode 3 and on one of the beats he raps over, he says “maybe when no one’s around, i’ll rap like the old me.” - and i just have no been able to shake it. i was trying to piece some words together for a quick note and just felt like i didn’t know where to start. then this morning i came across a video of me from december of 2020. the photo above is a screen grab from that video. it was me live reacting to finding out i got in to the berlin marathon, which at the time, we still had no idea if it would happen or not.

fast forward, that marathon experience opened me up to a world i never imagined for myself. from that trip alone, i knew i wanted something for myself. not something different. not better.. just simply “something” but i am still unsure what that is. there was a time where i used to say my “northstar” creative project was to document people running in paris. ive done that so much, ive lost track of it. today, i sit with this belief that my “something” is on the other side of a mirage.. but in reality, i want my creative career to be so long that the mirage never goes away. i want to constantly be chasing that “something” so much so that i never have an “i made it moment” - there is no mountain top for me. there is no end goal. i want to use a camera for the rest of my life to forever try and document life.

in regards to the impact of that “old me” line from drake.. that old me is someone who talks less. i think slash know how important its been for me in my career to be visible, to be seen.. to be in the arena if you will.. but i agree there’s a difference in having a voice vs making noise. i don’t want to create the same thing week after week. i don’t want every photo dump to be the same. i don’t want a “classic” carl picture. and i also don’t want to ever feel like i’m doing the same thing over and over again. the old me is one who was constantly trying to learn. i was constantly pushing myself to learn. i deleted more photos than i shared. but if we go way way back, i would tell you about how often i wasn’t posting. i recall my first time in afghanistan, feeling like i never had time to hit publish because i was concerned with what was there in front of me. it felt like by the time i got around to it, i was sharing something worth sharing.

i had this urge to keep in touch with friends privately, and post publicly for strangers. my friends and family got updates before the dot com or any app. i want to go back to that. i want to find more of a balance with the internet that’s more of a speak when spoken to energy. it’s not about mystery, it’s about intentionality. it’s about understanding the importance of a voice vs noise, in practice.

so we have a plan.. next year, we will only post on the internet on wednesday. wether that’s a hard post on feed, a blog, a newsletter, tweets, threads.. what have you.. the goal is only speak publicly, one day a week. and wednesday just feels like the day to do that. my only exception to this rule will be strava.. because marathon training. (obviously) - this is intentional. it’s not a push back on anyone who wants to grow their audience on the internet, i support you. this is about finding my space again.

i want whenever you see me or hear from me to know it’s something i believe in. i don’t want to speak about things someone paid me to tell you about that i don’t believe, no matter the price of the check. i want my intention to be pure and to be understood with no cloud of curiosity hanging over my head or yours for that matter. over time, i just think ive grown weary of being sold by friends publicly on things they’d never spend their own money on personally, privately. i want to take all of next year, to build a very intentional communication between myself and my art.

so what this means is everything is with intention. everything is on purpose. next year we have some ambitious goals. we want to release the next coffee table book, a novel, and create a body of work in other avenues that put me a new brand new lane to continue the chasing of a mirage i hope i never catch. and to do so, we must trim some fat. we must make more time for intention. if all goes to plan, we’ll be back here together in 54 weeks, with the chance to reflect on 50 previous days of sharing what we spent the year working on.

basically what i’m trying to say is it’s my hope that next year you’ll never have to ask “where’s carl?” because the goal is to make the work so clear, you know exactly where im at… ya know?

talk soon. x.

carl.

SKATE LOCATIONS: to understand skate culture, it’s important to know right away, that locations in skateboarding are referred to as “spots” - if i were to say to you, “i did a kickflip at bercy..” and you were familiar with the location, you’re reply would be something to the effect of ‘such a good spot!” or maybe, if you knew it but had never been, you’d say “i need to skate that spot!” - this differs from running in a way where we would speak in terms of “there” - i need to run there or i have yet to run there. niche, maybe annoying but its important terminology in understanding skate culture..

so let’s talk about the importance of “spot” and in regards to paris, there’s so many incredible places that have helped to shape the culture of running worldwide.

last year, red bull shared this great article by Greg Poissonnier which explores some of the best spots in paris. (some highlights)

Le Dôme - Palais de Tokyo

this spot, is so beloved in skate culture, that when i was working on my coffee table book, i knew i wanted to feature it as a tribute to my love of the culture. from time to time, i would find myself just going here in hopes of stumbling across a few kids skating. and one time i got lucky as to have a film camera with me and kid who was rippen on a bench.

Quais de la Seine

significant in skate culture and fun fact, it’s a key scene in the bourne series. if you see in that photo, the car.. is essentially where matt damon’s character wakes up when he arrives in paris in the first bourne film. again.. location location location..

Bercy

A spot that has been well documented in skate history and broken down so beautifully in this article on skatekrak. and while the spot no longer exists due to development of the surrounding area, it’s legacy lives in. it still this day will find its way in to the conversation of best spots in skating. for me what i loved about it is this idea of it being a 5 stair set, but in reality so much bigger. so when you spoke about other stair sets being 6 or even 7, it in reality could still not even come close to the big five at bercy. just look at this clip of a backside flip.. its just massive.

___________________________________

Beyond Paris, spots are often associated with their trick.. for example the kickflip, a widely used trick in skateboarding but in reality no two are the same.. there’s this really sick series from STORIED SKATEBOARDING where they explore “most famous” xyz’s of skateboarding and this one of the kickflip and its relation to their spot is so fun to watch. this kind of thing is what makes my brain move to always be thinking of locations as backdrops.. being so involved in running story telling, its why i am constantly trying to find a new location or bring the runner to the forefront.. of place and location. to capture something in a way that makes others think “i want to run there” because they saw a spot in my visuals is really important to me.

MOVIE LOCATIONS: i was talking to my pops recently about the movie ARGO, and in the film, ben affleck’s character gets ready to take off for Iran and before doing so, his boss drops him off at Dulles international, or IAD.. he makes his way through the airport but then you see a plane takeoff, but it’s now the runway at DCA.. not IAD. now i know i know.. who cares? .. i do.. lol. it doesnt change how i feel about the movie but it makes me think about consistency in location from one to the other.

keeping it specific to DC… in the first episode of Jack Ryan on Amazon.. in the first episode we see him leave from jack’s boathouse, an iconic spot in georgetown.. then to his bike, which now he is on the hill by the campus (north of the water) heading east.. already not adding up directionally.. because then we see him behind the jefferson memorial, heading west.. to then being on Pennsylvania ave.. again.. why? then he turns north, to what i imagine they thought people would either think is georgetown or mclean, va.. but instead.. he’s outside the tidewater inn… 86 MILES AWAY IN EASTON MARYLAND (from his final destination)… then just casually rides his bike up to cia hq front doors.. now.. having worked in that building, i know you don’t just casually ride your bike from dc to the agency in street clothes.. i know its hollywood but for me its a larger part of the process of story telling and relating location to your pov.

Connecting these two worlds, skate culture and film, i have this real belief that some of the best movies in the world, perhaps that’s maybe the wrong word.. perhaps maybe just simply, some of this most iconic movies all tend to have a set of stairs in them where the characters go.. i believe in this so much that the following images don’t even need to be mentioned but i know someone will know the film..

essentially what i’m trying to equate here is A. location matters. B. stairs in film and stairs in skateboard are basically always on my mind.. i think its such a beautiful thing to use location so importantly that you become known for it. Like, how do you explain that random set of stairs built in 1895 are not a set of stairs anymore.. but as a result of a movie, they are now known and recognized as The Exorcist steps?..

movies have their own locations and skateboarding has theirs after a skater hits it.. such as this tom penny clip from the chain to bank spot in san diego. now its just known as the penny bank. thats just so cool to me.

I feel like reading back all the above may not be of value on the surface, but what I hope someone takes away from it, maybe a fellow photographer, artist.. what have you.. is that you really can own location. create something some good, people start to relay it to you. sure maybe no one knows penny skated that bank but those in the industry and that world, know it. some of that may come from consistency and reps in but its possible and its important. i hope that makes sense.

anways.. i think that’s enough about spot and location for this week.

before we go this week, here’s five pieces of creative i really enjoyed.

1. kaif x nike after dark in london with vo from alyssa.

   2. Kawhi by Mark C.

   3. Georges-Eugène Haussmann on gentlevogue

   4. justin britt going to a high school football game

   5. outlander mag post about PROJECT puffer campaign

Alright, that’s all for this week. be well.

talk soon. x.

carl.

so i thought, why not just try and package those things up in to some form of newsletter. i think like a lot of people here on substack, i’ve always wanted to introduce a newsletter but the “will anyone even read this?” side of the argument always won.. but as we close out the year, i thought it was finally time to build here.

What can i expect here? this will be an extension of my already existing substack “thoughts and feels of carlnard” but each newsletter will be marked as such so that you know when you are opening one. we’re not going to follow the same format each time, we’re not going to make them formulaic but you will see some recurring themes and some topics you’ll see only once.. consider this a brain dump meets editorial.. deal?

Do i need to pay? Literally, of course not. No issue of the newsletter will ever be behind a paywall.

Can I contribute? It is my hope to include interviews, some features, of course spotlights.. so with that being said, if you have a story you wanna tell, pitch me. just reply to this email at anytime or find me on instagram at carlnard on the gram

Why “like a detail” for a name? there’s this scene at the 7:52 mark in to my favorite film, “midnight in paris” where owen wilson’s character chimes in and tells a “story” and his fiance played by rachel mcadams replies after being confused why he told it with “that’s the end of the story?” and he responds, “it’s not a story. it was like a detail.” and what hits for me in that moment is everyone’s reaction.. like yes.. maybe its kinda boring and pointless but somewhere out there i think he thinks someone will find his random musings and care for things as interesting as he does..

so without any further delay.. let’s get in to it yeah?

MOVIES:

1. LA HAINE - nothing new here you probably don’t already know but the mirror scene, just look up the lore on that or peep this.

   

2. Steve Jobs - the way this film is broken down in to different parts just makes me re-think story telling. this idea that nothing needs to really flow A-Z. you can really go from A-Z however you want.. Almost as if skipping a few letters is actually ok.

3. Lions for Lambs - I feel like this movie is not “niche” but just more so maybe it’s story forced folks to tune out at the time but i mean just simply reading up on the cast alone should make any fan of film want to give this a watch. Again, playing with the idea of time, this story has three stories running at the same time, while one of them goes back in time, as well to present, how this movie takes three stories in three different parts of the world and runs them almost in real time again just inspires me so much when i think about story telling.

4. Like Crazy - one of the themes you will probably see or read a lot here is love and heartbreak. it’s a part of almost every ounce of creative i involved myself in. it’s the most consistent thing.. wether thats in sport or human connection.. and this film, touches on both in a way i feel lucky to have lived during. love so bad you can’t walk away but love so bad its heartbreaking and almost unhealthy.. this movie will never not be a 10/10 for me. im biased maybe but please watch if you have not..

ALBUMS: Some of my current in rotation albums. Some are new, some are older than most of your internet profiles.

1. LANY “soft” - latest album for my favorite band so naturally it’s still at the top of the list for me. will be on repeat the rest of the year then as they head on to tour next year, i’m sure it will stay in heavy heavy rotation. fave track: good parts

   

2. name taken - “hold on” - i still recall seeing this boys at the harmony grange hall in delaware when i was like 18. fun fact, panic at the disco gets their name from the song panic on this album. now you know. fave track: control

   

3. joshua slone - “thinking too much” - i mean what in the actual frick joshua, are you good dawg? as far as solo singer song writer debuts go, might be the best debut since john’s room for squares no? this album just is going to be one his career looks back on like “wow! it really has been good for a long time.” fave track: shark attack

   

4. julia wolf & 2dumb “2MUCHPRESSURE” - me in a funk at 2pm needing to kick start a project but cannot stand even the thought of another coffee? i’m playing his twice and blasting it as loud as i can. fave track: in my room

   

5. bryson tiller - annivesary - i was talking recently about never wanting to be the thing that follows the thing people really loved. no, instead you want to be the thing that follows the thing.. and i feel like for tiller, this album was that for him. he was never going to be able to follow trap soul but this one, i feel just really gave us a reminder of why we love him to this day. maybe its not “slept on” but for sure i’m not sure people talk about it enough: fave track: outta time (shocker, ik)

   

VIDEOS: I am a creature of comfort in background noise and one of the things aside from my favorite shows especially when on the road is being able to just throw on a series on youtube videos that i can either lock in on and focus to find some styling inspiration or just simply enjoy for the 78th time.

1. On Tour with Drake Through the Lens of Toosie Slide Director Theo Skudra - i’m almost certain jacobingle showed me this video like 4 years ago in nyc one night and from then on it became a part of my creative process. i feel like it became this sort of remedy for anytime i was stuck creatively.. watch this and all of a sudden im good again but i cant take it everyday kind of thing. just wait until he talks about the confetti photo.. ugh.

2. Your Favorite Skater’s Favorite Photographer: Atiba Jefferson - for anyone who sees there power in trying to exist in two worlds, look no further than this one right here. basketball & skateboarding.. duh.. never had the chance to meet Atiba but if ever given the chance, id just say thank you for the reminder that you can be in two worlds at once and sit comfortably in the middle of them as yourself.

3. THE WAIT IS OVER | FROM PARIS WITH LOVE PART DEUX - nothing i can do here but just ask you to watch. but just know one day i will go to paris and make something like this.. “like a detail: paris edition” ?? anyways.. enjoy. then watch the other videos in this series.

4. Girl Skateboards: “Yeah Right!” - the greatest skate film ever made. i still reference this today. in fact, i once ripped a piece of the audio to use in the background of a short film i made.. it is actually perfect.

5. Running a 5km race - you ever just go back and watch “old” minted videos? i do.. and for me this one just sits at the top.. the way it builds, the way it feels.. the pure pyscho in shawn and marcus stressing over a 5k like it’s life or death. you cant teach that kind of passion. that kind of care. a sam paints the story masterfully. the sound, the colors.. the coach on speakerphone.. there’s literally brands out there running marathons to try and catch up to this level of story telling and this is just “one” of many the boys made.. “well mike.. that was fucking terrible…” ugh.. inject that in to my brain forever.

APPAREL: Piece i just love lately and would spend my own money on, twice.

1. Minted New York - LinoCotton Bi-Layer - yes as of right now it is sold out but you need to be aware of this piece for when it re-stocks. im literally wearing it right now.

   

2. Currently - M2 Unisex Penultimate Tee - currently a couple colours available. i bought my first one over nyc marathon weekend and just recently scooped two more. i have been talking lately about trying to run in fits that feel less like a uniform for the masses and more of a collection of pieces i feel like just fit me. call it fatigue from showing up to runs and feeling like there’s 8 dudes dressed the same head to toe.. idk.. but this piece just feels like one of those ones you either get or you don’t. for me its actually perfect.

   

3. Pas Normal Studios - Off-Race Tech Overshirt - i scooped this piece back in september during the copenhagen half marathon weekend but in full transparency have yet to wear it, mainly because ive not been in cold enough weather and going slow enough. for me it just feels like the perfect night piece for anyone who wants an athletic or “fast” look to any of their styling options. I think ive said this before but basically i want to always be able to run if i need to.. idk why but something about the idea of “movement” being the basis for how i dress just makes me think this piece will work well for me. for context, i will be wearing it this weekend. i’ll report back.

   

4. swiftwick socks - Aspire Quarter Crew High - i myself am new to this brand in the sense of using it for myself but after being gifted a few pairs, i was excited to try them out. and during my most recent 24 hour marathon, i wore their socks for basically 19 of the 24 hours.. and this sock specifically won me over. idk if this is good or bad so im sorry but basically i felt like nothing was there. being transparent, im not the biggest fan of the mid ankle logo because i feel like it messes with the flow of shoe to sock styling but i dont hate it.. just not my favorite detail..

   

5. 3sixten - trail shirt - one of those pieces i just feel like from wear one, you know its gonna be in your closet forever. that is if i dont wear the threads down but something about the way andrew and his team bring apparel to life tells me i know ill be able to have it for a while. as of now, the olive is on sale.. but im still holding out for an ilypmw blue.

ok.. should we end it here? save some for issue 002? no warm-up, no intro, just right to it. should we do this once a week? let me know what you think and i’ll see what we can do.. every other week? how often do ya’ll read newsletters? send me a note.. lets have a conversation.

ok, thanks for joining me here. excited to finally have lift off.

talk soon. x.

carl.

in march of 2012, i drove from washington dc to virginia beach to spend a weekend with my buddy riggs. we had no plans. just two dudes hanging out. a couple beers, a couple nights on the beach. we rented a hotel with a balcony view and planned to just have dinners, walk around town and just relax. on our first night, not even remembering what we did for dinner, we ended with walking towards the water, plotting down in the sand, no blanket just two dudes in jeans and a couple modelo’s.. in that moment, for whatever reason, we started talking about life. i myself in that period had just recently moved out east, and riggs was living in southern virginia so it felt nice to make the drive and hang together.. what happened that night is something i’ve never talked about..

riggs asked me about my time in nebraska, where i had been living for a couple months prior before moving to dc. i told him how it was really hard for me. my job sucked, it was winter. i was lost, basically a year post military.. i had put all of my future in to the idea of a relationship with someone who wanted nothing to do with me romantically but replied to every single one of my texts and spent nights in my apartment cuddling… yet no relationship would ever happen. i was so lost that it felt like the only direction i could follow consistently was their mixed signals. it got dark.. and for some reason, that night on the beach on told riggs that while living there, the thought of taking my own life was so close to my reality, that it felt like a miracle i was even there to talk to him about it. riggs, himself knowing my own personal experience with suicide, having been there the night i found my friend joe who had taken his own life in 2006. and riggs knew how i felt about not only that night but also the idea.. he knew first hand what me opening up to him meant… we cried, we drank a few more beers, we laughed and we sat in silence. we got up to leave and he put his arm around me as we walked off the beach. “i love you bud.” he said to me.. which, btw.. if you know me and you’ve ever been called “bud” by me.. it’s because of that moment. that moment saved my life. we were both grown men but i felt like a kid, feeling love for the first time in a very long time. the next morning, hungover not just from the beers but the emotional weight of airing that out, i made my way to the beach again to take in the sunrise. i dont have many photos left over from that trip but i have that one because its the one where i felt like i knew i had a new purpose for the first time.

we’re now more than a decade on from that moment but it sits with me to this day. i’ve spent so much of my life trying to show affection to people in my life. without context to anyone, ive tried to make everyone in my life feel the way that “i love you, bud’ made me feel. i carry a lot of pain for that loss that instead of trying to lift it off my back for two decades, i without being asked put this weight of trying to be everything to anyone in my life. this i know has not always been welcomed and ive learned that. and then that in and of itself adds a layer of hurt that i carry. it’s tough when intention and perception are flying in different directions and crash resulting in misunderstanding.. but we’ve tried to live with a reminder of what we meant from the beginning.

as we sit here, we are quite literally a month away from picking up a camera for the first time in my life. well.. less picked up and more so handed one by ryan. “use this for a month, if you still like it after that, you can by it from me.” - that moment in so many ways changed my life in ways i could have never imagined and in many ways, still cannot quite understand. later that same trip, we would walk with tamon and he would give us both tips. a decade later, tamon hires me at his agency for work from time to time. i think about that day a lot. the day ryan and tamon were patient with me. the day two men who i love dearly to this day let me mess up without judgement. that day stands side by side with the day riggs said “i love you, bud” - and those two moments are why im not only here but why i have the career i have today..

and those neighbouring moments are why this summer was what it was. it felt like the perfect window of time to find a new threshold for what i thought was possible for myself. i wanted to find a new layer. a new baseline of possibility. i spoke recently about living in draft mode and that along with this mindset felt like every week was a harder workout. “ok carl, this week you did this much, do more next week.” - and boy did i ever. i tried to look back in my camera roll and mixed with the film photo file dates conflicting with digital file saved dates, iphone moments, file names from others phones not being synced with mine, my camera roll looks like i was solving five puzzles at the same and somehow used all the pieces but the pictures full scenes are blurry. i basically have lost track of the order but i was in LA a few times, chicago, neptune, copenhagen, kc, stockholm, berlin, nyc, paris, upstate new york, virginia, dc, nebraska, sf.. there was even this moment in time where i think i went from nyc to dc to neptune to la to dc in like 96 hours.. thinking about it makes me exhausted but remembering it makes me dream for me of it.

yesterday, november 11th, i capped off what i feel like is this “season” of life with a 24 hour marathon for the third year in a row to honor my friend joe. in the sunlight and darkness, temps as low as 12 degrees, i ran and walked around the national mall, taking no naps.. sitting down only to use the bathroom or change my sweaty socks and shoes.. doing all i could to keep moving.. and ending with 60 miles on foot.. all in the sake of trying to raise money for heart & armor as well as try to let the pain of losing joe go.. which for the record, will never happen.. but im going to try for as long as i can.. at the end of it, surrounded by friends and loved ones i shared with them that this summer was about more than just travel and see the world. it was about trying to remind everyone in my life they are capable of more.. that when they think they have done what they’re capable of, they need to make a left or right turn and realize another mountain is waiting for them.. not in a glamorize hustle culture way but in a “i want more for you” way.. nothing to do with you’re not doing enough way but an “i love you, bud” way. i wanted them to know from me, tears in my eyes that so much of who i am is made to show them what i know they are capable of.

it’s been 123 days since i last slept in my own bed. and during that time, i gave myself two days to go to kansas city to spend time with ryan. i only looked at my email a couple times. its been 182 days since ive had a drink, a decision i made knowing i needed to dial in my life as i prepared for a summer where i wanted more for myself. in the process, i lost 25lbs.. my friends see the difference in me, i see the difference in me.. i feel the difference in me. it’s been 3,623 days ryan handed me a camera.. and it’s been 6,947 days since joe passed away.. all of those days, all of those counts feel like they may not make sense but wether the number is large or small, they are reminders to me that every day matters. how you spend each one matters.. and what happens daily matters. every day is a chance to change. every day is a chance to grow, to learn, to make a difference maybe in your life, every day is another opportunity to turn the key to lock back in if needed. and every day for me is another chance to wake up, look myself in the mirror and say to myself.. “i love you, bud” and remind myself to be patient with myself and to continue racing towards that new threshold and find that next mountain.

going forward, i have no idea what the next mountain is, when the next count will begin, but i do know im ready for it because i’ve found a new threshold and now it’s time to find another one.

talk soon. x.

carl.

these days it seems like if you’re a creative, you also have to have a youtube channel. or if you get a little momentum, all of a sudden you have to stop creating as to not overdo it with “content” - you have one side of the internet telling you how to grow online, while the other is telling you to remain a mystery. art online became about retention vs impact. and with each video i found myself feeling more and more disconnected from what i was supposed to actually be working on this year.

i know for a fact there was a time in my life where the idea of growing online was interesting to me. but with virality in my opinion comes a faster fall. i sort of view it like this.. each person choosing to be on the internet is in this massive hotel of sorts.. different wings of the hotel sure, but in theory, we’re all just taking up space in a hotel, choosing to go about our lives with the door open.. and before you know it, word gets out that person “a” in room 234 is doing something really interesting.. and in a moments notice, a ton of people flock to room 234 waiting for the next thing.. so its only natural that the owner of that room does that thing again to keep their attention.. then while they have everyone, they say something.. they give a “hot take” - then all these new people in the room start giving their opinion.. ie; the comment section. it is incredibly understandable that if you were just at one point hanging out in that room alone and now you have a ton of people in your room, you’re going to do whatever it takes to keep them there… that’s not really a bad thing.. but i think i view it as, is it what you really wanted to be doing?

i’m sure all of this makes me sound like an old man shouting with a fist in the sky.. i promise you its not. more so i want this piece to serve as a reminder to those who may be wondering why their following online isn’t growing fast enough. that it’s more important to do it right, rather than do it fast. now of course, im not the authority of what is right but i believe deep down, you as your own person know what is right in your heart. like there’s this part of you that when you’re doing something that doesn’t feel natural, it eats at you. that of course is very different than putting yourself out there, trying new things. for instance, ive always loved food shows. i grew up watching them with my dad.. there’s been a dozen times where ive wanted to try my hand at food content.. and ill try it out.. and in those moments, i feel uncomfortable with myself but it doesn’t feel at odds with who i am… its just not normal. it has nothing to do with “cringe’ it’s really just understanding myself well enough to know this isn’t actually me. it’s this idea that you can just like a thing without needing to make it your thing online? make sense?

more so what i mean is when you see that thing from someone online promoting a thing that you know deep down they dont event use themselves. and before you say its easier to say that.. please be aware that i myself do actually say “no” to brands or offers. nothing to me is worth the money enough to sacrifice my principals and my personal taste. I think more so in reality it’s this idea of maybe not really ever wanting to fit in to a box to be one type of creative.. for my own personal life, i tend to try and lean in to this idea of “living in draft mode” - meaning i’m not sure i ever really want to put ink to anything.. to be able to zag when others zig.. to not have to do something to retain attention. or to retain audiences. i’m not concerned if you watch the whole thing or if you want to skip it.. i think i want to put things in to the world that i can watch later. idk if the “cloud” is forever.. im not sure if ill be on instagram forever.. but in the meantime, i wanna make something that i like.. if 1 person more likes it.. that’s already a win. instagram used to give analytics to a few.. now everyone has it. now what people share is determined by time of day, best performing day.. viewer drop off rates and new followers.. i’m not sure when i realized i wasn’t quite comfortable with all of this but i know for a certain, im no longer with it.

maybe i am the old grump online.. i think i just want it to be known where i stand. i’ve been very active these days. i’m very grateful for anyone who chooses to walk in to my room online but i want it to be known you can leave at anytime.. this is a space where things can change. we’re gonna try new things. we’re gonna get things wrong. we’re gonna throw up 50 running photos in a row then drop a little fit check.. it’s not about likes or clicks or views or a lack of perspective.. it’s about being in draft mode and having fun with the diary we all have access to. in the end, i don’t actually know what “right” is but i do know when it feels right to me and that for me means being honest here and sharing with you that i’m here for my right reasons.. i hope that’s ok.

talk soon. x.

carl.

let me set the scene here… i woke up that morning just after 8am.. my alarm was set for much sooner obviously.. i hit the first snooze around 6am. right back to sleep… then the second snooze.. it was clear as day that I wanted nothing to do with this marathon. I got ready slowly. “I could just get there late, blame it on the train and then not have to worry about even running… “that’s dumb carl, just get ready” i told myself. i left my hotel room, got on the metro and made my way to the starting line. an hour later, i was over it. officially. It took over an hour from the time I arrive to cross the start line and that was with showing up at my start time.. all the standing around frustrated me even more. This whole thing, I was over. I’ve done this before, why am I doing it again? Hell, I’ve run this race twice before, what do I need a third for…? This literally sucks.. but fuck it, let’s at least cross the starting line for the plot…

Two weeks before this moment, I was a couple dozen miles from Las Vegas yapping, at Javi as he took on tsp solo. There was this moment where I stepped in to try and help get him across the finish line of a 300 mile race. I snapped and went back to “ military carl” - as mike described it, “bro turned in a drill instructor.” - I made the call for the team. We are no longer letting Javi control this race, he is gonna do what we ask him to do.. no ifs ands or butts.. we are gonna get him to the Vegas sign in no time. As I crossed that starting line, I thought about that moment… how could I a couple weeks earlier speak to someone in a way that was so direct and then turn around a couple weeks later and not do as I said? Who am I to not even try? If the roles were reversed and Javi was here would I want to let him down? Would i have accepted him not trying? Of course not, so why would I not try?.. So… we kept moving..

We got to that 2 mile mark and the “at least try” reminders to myself quickly vacated and made room for a few repeats of “you really don’t have to do this anymore.” - from there I started thinking about the excuses.. what if I said this? What about this? It went so far as to thinking about the instagram post… I got it, I’ll take my bib off and put it in the trash and photograph that and say something like “the comeback begins…” or “villain arc begins..” Lol, I even said to myself “let the training era begin.” As if that was not what I was supposed to be doing before I even toed the line.. meanwhile, before I knew it was 5 miles in..

For some context here really quick, I’ve never run a marathon under 4 hours.. I came close-ish a couple years ago and full transparency, I think that was the last time I was in good shape. I ran my first marathon in 2019 and finished it saying “never again” as I crossed the line.. never again turned in to five more.. but with that kind of marathon time, comes being someone who misses the cheer zones.. someone who doesn’t get confetti… I’ve never seen a photo of myself running a marathon the way I photograph people running marathons.. I think there’s a part of me on that day that just thought to himself “what even is the point?” But that would change… and in many ways, for the better on this day in Paris.

At a certain point I said lets just get to the half, then we can quit and that would look more legit.. “hit a wall half way in” I imagined the strava post would say.. before I knew it, I was a half in and decided to keep going.. the mind started to shift.. I can’t turned in to perhaps I can.. a couple miles later, maybe I can turned in to.. what if I did?.. Before I knew it, was 20 miles in.. and what if I did? turned in to, you have no reason to not… 22 miles in, I was fighting for every step. I wasn’t in marathon shape, let alone in any kind of shape at all… I was in my own personal hell.. but there was reasons to keep going and with every step towards the finish line, the reasons to finish outweighed the reasons to quit.. I then started to think about the instagram post again.. but this time, not about how I quit but rather, that I did it.. against, no one’s doubts but my own..

Then there was the aspect of my friends.. one of which being Alex who was at that point, done.. and waiting for me just before the finish.. in fact, he was specifically at cafe du Trocadero, the cafe attached to I love you, prove me wrong… I knew I needed to just get to him.. i needed to not let him down. i knew if I could see him, he’d give me what i needed to get across the finish line.. then I thought about my friends back in dc.. that seemingly are knocking down accomplishments left and right.. week after week, they continue to inspire me with what they’re capable of.. i wanted to add to that. i wanted to come home with that medal for them, for us. i wanted to add “another” accomplishment to our growing list of races and goals reached.. i thought about them being proud of me…

then there was the person who I was texting in the corral holding area, the person I was texting days leading up to the race. The person i was finding confidence in.. the person I felt like I could be myself with.. no need to hide. No reason to be bigger than I was.. I thought about how they were the only person i texted before the race… in my head and my heart, I wanted them to be the first person i texted when I was done. there was this real feeling of wanting to make them proud.. regardless of if they would be or not, something about the way they talked to me made me feel safe. It made me feel like I needed to cross that line for them.. for their investment in me. For taking the time to encourage me at the starting line.. there’s this drake line in “redemption” where he says “certain people need to tell me they’re proud of me, that mean a lot to me. not having closure it takes a lot out of me.”

as i think about the reasons above, i’m reminded of the fact that it the end i should have done it for me. I should have just trained, I should have committed.. i should have done the work. But I’m ok with accepting that I didn’t.. I’m ok with the idea of failing in that.. i’m understanding that i fell short in my responsibility to myself.. but that day in Paris reminded me of something Kayla Jeter said in Chicago a few years ago… “take pride in the fact you dared to even cross the starting line.” - it would be a year later I watched as Salu ran a marathon and it took him five hours… i’m understanding that we are all at a different place with the marathon and my insecurities with my own time should not be a barrier to trying.. what did asap say? “Since when has it not been cool to try?” Or something like that.. maybe it was that On (running) employee in 2020 that tried to shame me for my first marathon time by putting it on blast in a group chat with a bunch of runners.. maybe it’s just the fact that I want to be good (not great) at running and maybe this marathon was a reminder that I’m short of good..

i would eventually cross the marathon finish line in Paris and the thing i felt the most was pure defeat. i was so glad to be done. but I was defeated. like a soldier, on one knee at the end of battle, surveying the arena around them, knowing they survived but at what cost? there was a medal around my neck but there was nothing but pure exhaustion in my heart. It was a sinking realization that i was no longer going to be the runner i one day hoped i’d be. was no longer the 25 year old fresh out of the military running in forest park in St. Louis, six months post acl surgery because it was the only thing I felt comfortable doing. was never going to feel like 8 miles was easy.. the summer of 2011 I got to run with nostalgia ultra, house of balloons, take care, watch the thrown.. music made 8 miles fly by.. was young, was youthful, i could drink the night before and bang out miles the next day like it was nothing.. for a decade and more since that summer, I’ve tried to tell myself that was the me i still am. It isn’t…

to cross a finish line, defeated, disappointed in yourself is a feeling like no other.. but a month on, i’ve decided to find the positive. to let that moment serve me in a different way… i would find myself in Copenhagen essentially a month after that day in Paris as an official photographer of the marathon.. and one of the things I had to do was head to the office for Sparta, who puts on the race and go over my areas of coverage.. I was assigned essentially km 14-18.. and the rep who brought me in asked “do you have any issues staying until everyone has passed 18?” - I said, “I am usually that runner at the end of a race and I personally never get my photograph taken, so id be more than happy to stay until everyone passes.” to which I did… and then at a certain point, I raced back to where my backpack was at the nbro cheer zone,.. my day was “done” i was all but wrapped up… and then in that moment it dawned on me, just what it was exactly that was calling me to finish line in Paris..

for me, it is now simple.. to document the marathon, to try and tell the story of the runner, i need to understand the pain of the runner. i need to know what defeat looks like and feels like. i needed to fail to grown in my craft. i needed to learn there is beauty in exhaustion. that day in Paris taught me the 2:15 marathoners stride is no more beautiful or important than the 5:24 marathoner.. because both of them tried. Both of them dared to cross the starting line. the 2:12 marathon is always gonna want 2:11, the 5:01 marathon is always gonna want 4:59.. and so on.. the barefoot runner is gonna pass the super shoe runner, the runner carrying the boat is gonna be beat by the runner in daily trainers.. no single runner is more important than the other..

at your average marathon, there are over 20,000 runners.. the most recent London marathon had 56,640 finishers.. there are two categories of winners, a champ on the women’s side and one on the men’s side.. so.. technically you could say.. 56,638 people lost the marathon.. but of course you wouldn’t… because of course.. but you see my point right?….. right?

the truth is that day in Paris made me realized so much more about myself than a time I don’t even remember. I don’t even know where the medal is.. I didn’t even keep my bib.. don’t know where it is. but what I took from that day were things you could never put a price on. a hug from a friend at the very point I needed it.. a friend group that I felt more connected to than ever… and a text to a friend that I never imagined I would have gotten to send prior to the start line… and on top of that, I got to photograph my next race with a whole new perspective on what it means to document a race and the world of running and a new found realization of my responsibility to this sport.. and you think after all that I’m gonna give two fucks about a time on a clock?.. no way bud.

so idk… maybe in reality the marathon never left me.. rather maybe it was trying to show me it needed me in a different way… maybe the marathon was just leading me to a different race that day.. that of which is one that includes documenting everyone else’s… maybe that feeling of wanting to walk off the course in fact was something higher telling me that once i’m done.. go on and heads towards everyone else’s… idk.. but i’ll take it.. and run with it…

talk soon. x.

carl.

in my last piece i echoed this story about someone in my past calling me a “one trick pony” when i mentioned i was going to my usual restaurant in nyc.. i really had no idea how much that would get to me, in fact in the moment i laughed about it.. i think perhaps it’s because i understood the history of that decision.. of that characteristic if you will.. this person did not. this person, as bland and maybe as vanilla as they themself are was possibly just projecting? who knows.. but how are they supposed to know its who i am? - it kind of reminds of that quote in the west wing, the christmas-ish episode where toby’s dad comes to visit him and he’s giving him grief and josh confronts him and says “cause you don’t know what i know.” sometimes, things are just not exactly black and white. it’s not just “i like that place..” but are they supposed to know that?

when i was a kid, my family and i lived on an air force base in the state of washington and right outside the base was a town called lakewood. on weekends my father and i would go, (sometimes my sisters went) to our local donut shop.. and much like most of our youth, there’s trips i remember and some i don’t but there’s a moment from my youth that stands out.. it was the end of summer, not hot, not cold.. perfect donut weather, ya know? my dad in his standard blue jeans, black t-shirt tucked in, blue and white nikes, dashing a cigarette out as he closed the door to his mazda b2300 extended cab.. me all of like 4ish feet tall, i think i was like 10 years old.. jumping out of the passenger seat.. using two hands to close the door, i swear it was like 100 lbs. anyways, we walked in “carl, fingers off the glass.” i look up at my dad as he preempts my actions.. the person working behind the counter greets us and asks if we need anything.. my dad replies “is this your shop by chance?” - now you have to understand, this person was like 16.. maybe 17.. there’s legit zero chance it was his.. i looked at my dad like “dude, are you serious?” even i know its not. the kid replies “i just work here. but the owner is in the back.” my dad said “oh could you grab them by chance?” we proceeded to look at donuts, my dad pointing out his favorites.. “hi, is everything ok?” the owner says as he approaches the other side of the counter… “Yes, of course! I just wanted to say hello say thank you!” “this is my son Carl, my name is Steve. - we’ve been coming here for a while now and just wanted to say hello and just let someone know how much we love this place.” The two of them shook hands and proceeded to talk.. i just stared at the donuts.. i remember though being embarrassed though of course at that age, i didn’t know what i was feeling.

when we left, i asked my dad why he wanted to meet the owner.. and he said as he turned up the volume to his tower of power music on the trucks cd-player. “people should know you appreciate them. that’s it.” from that point on, every time we saw the guy from that day, he always greeted my father.. they would chat.. i would eat donuts..

just down the road from the donut spot was a place called haiku gardens, a sushi spot.. when i got to a certain age, my dad and i would go, he would teach me to use chop sticks.. he would teach me the difference between nigiri vs sashimi.. how much wasabi to use, how not to dunk your rolls in the soy sauce.. he wouldn’t ask me what i wanted to try, he would tell me what to try. he didn’t care that i thought it looked funny.. now this wasn’t something that happened all the time.. i feel like in those days, my dad went there more without us kids and more often with his fellow military friends for lunch or dinners.. but when we would go, we’d walk in from behind the curtain and the main chef would always react with a smile “steve!!” he would express with joy.. my dad would reply “Itamae” - i remember thinking my dad was saying “it me” and thinking that was so funny.. i would later realize what he was saying.. again, the two of them would chat and it was always so friendly..

i think about these moments a lot in my life these days. i see them as roots in my upbringing.. they’re foundations of who i am. why i move the way i do… its in my dna to be like my father in these ways.

that same spot, the one i was a one trick pony for.. i was there one night with my friends kevin and sarah and we ordered a couple bites, we were mainly there to catch up.. kev and i had been there before together.. the team kept bringing us extra dishes “you guys gotta try this..” they would say.. Kev looked at me and laughed.. Sarah said “now i see why you come here so much!” and i laughed and said, “no, this is because i come here so much.” its the kind of place i don’t need a reservation for, but ill always make one.. i dont go there for free food. i go there for the people. at this rate, its not about the food. its about the team there. their smiles when i walk in the door. they way they all greet me with a hug and a “how are you?” - it’s a place that while i hope they know how appreciated they are by me, makes me feel the most appreciated no matter how often i go nowadays that i no longer live in new york city.

just recently while in paris i went to my ‘st jardim of paris” - a place called early june. a place i went to for the first time in december of 2022.. i was there celebrating my books release and a friend invited me to a small group dinner.. things stacked up and well, i walked in late.. i was greeted by a women (one of the owners), her name Camille “Carl, where have you been!!? sit!” - lol, what? I’ve never seen this person in my life. ive never even been here.. turns out my friends had been yappin about my absence and apparently by name.. in the end, we had an amazing dinner and fast forward two years, ive lost track of the amount of times ive been there. ive sent friends.. ive gone solo. ive gone twice in one week..

ok wait, side bar, really quick.. the “thing” about this place is they have no on staff “Chef” - instead they host Chefs from all over the world on varying degrees of time.. so if you go say, right now the Chef is from Seoul.. if you go in a couple months, they be from somewhere else. I liken it to this idea of eating at home but someone new cooks for you each time. anyways, its perfect.

as time has gone on, its become a place i can’t go to paris without visiting. they don’t do reservations, but they’ve always been kind enough to offer me a slot if a send a message ahead of time. recently, one of the other owners, Victor was in nyc visiting and we had planned to meet up but i couldn’t make the trip. we had plans to visit my camera store. K&M on orchard. he went without me but they took good care of him. he found the camera he was looking for. on this most recent visit we talked about it and talked film. its the kind of conversation, you think was fostered out of years of being friends, seeing each other often.. nope. its been a series of visiting the same place trip after trip. as we sat down to dinner last week, one of the other guests at the table and i were the only ones who would have wine… they asked “what should we drink?” i said.. “i stopped ordering wine a year ago.. i just let them pick for me.” he nodded his head and said “alright” - now, chances are maybe one person reads that and thinks.. “just order.” but follow along here.. its not being lazy.. its me understanding they are the expert… and i dont want to just “order” i wanna learn.. i wanna see what they pick. i wanna see what excites them. i want to know why they think x wine should go with y dish.. id make the argument it’s the literal opposite from being lazy.. at those meals at haiku with my father he’d always ask the chef, “what should we have? what’s good right now?” - the chef would say so, and we’d have that. in many ways, i think the lesson there is relaying a sense of trust. and in return that trust is granted in return..

mind you, i said the first time i went to early june, i was there celebrating the release of my book.. now a copy of that book sits in their window, along with their other books gathered over the years.. at one point these people were strangers, now they feel like family.. that comes from.. you guessed it.. showing up.

i think about things like this, i think about how a friend was in paris months ago and went to put his name on the list to eat there.. he put his name down and before leaving said “my friend carl from new york said i had to come here.” to which he tells me they replied, “you’re a friend of carls?” “yeah!” “give us five minutes…” and they made a place for him.. that does not come from me being anyone.. it comes from what id like to think is me being me.. is me showing up.. guard down, just myself.

the amount of times, we as a family would go to dinner somewhere, lunch.. the mall what have you.. and we’d hear, “steve!” and we’d turn the corner and someone knew our dad.. in fact, we have this moment as a family we always laugh about.. it was like 1995.. maybe 96, idk.. grant hill was still on the pistons.. and i had the blue jersey with red numbers.. sorry.. not the point.. we were at disney land as a family, my dad & i along with my two sisters.. at the time, my father was a single parent.. anyways.. we had been there for a few days.. and on our final day we were laughing, my sisters and i about how funny it was no one knew our dad.. then.. like flippen, clockwork, we were walking out of the park on our last day… “steve!” - NO WAY… we all shouted.. turns out someone my dad used to work with was also there..

you see when i was younger, i was embarrassed by this.. annoyed at times even.. and now, as my own person, someone who is capable and able to travel the world, i understand it more than ever before.. heck, just recently in paris.. i made some time to see a friend who i had met last year in copenhagen and while sitting down with them at this post race event hoka was hosting.. i hear “carl!?” - we look at its a friend from berlin.. then a friend from london.. then a friend from nyc.. then i see some folks i knew from copenhagen, and we then we facetimed rasmus but i don’t mention this as a “look how many people know” tone.. i mention this because i see it as truly a privilege, to be someone that people even want anything to do with..

before that trip to paris, i was talking with a friend who said they met someone and in their meeting, somehow i came up.. and he said to my friend “everyone knows carl.” lol. im gonna put that on a shirt one day i think.. but in all seriousness, what i’m really trying to stress here is this idea of just being someone who navigates the world as a guest. i truly feel like no space is mine. i feel honored to be anywhere my feet are. i feel its an obligation to be the guest in any situation, be comfortable taking the back seat. being comfortable knowing nothing.. letting the experts pick your wine, trying new dishes.. making time to sit down with people..

now.. OF COURSE.. literally of course.. there are people in this world who if you ask them, “do you know carl?” they may not have the most kind opinion of me.. hell, they may not even have a good experience with me.. and to that i’d say.. you’re right.. you’re probably even justified.. because guess what? you’re gonna get it wrong. you’re gonna meet someone who didn’t like that you wanted them to pick the wine.. you’re gonna met someone who didn’t want a hug when you saw them. you’re gonna meet people who hate that people like you.. for no reason other than maybe it’s something to do with them.. “how do you know that carl?” because it happened to me.. yup!

the year was 2007 and i ended up in south korea while in the air force and one night, a group of went out to dinner followed by drinks and one of the guys there, his name was harper.. said “can i talk to you for a minute?” and i said sure.. harper and i had known each other since 2005 in tech school together then we were in virginia together.. but we were never really close.. anyways.. he proceeds to tell me how he had me wrong. dead wrong. “bro, when we were in virginia, we’d be somewhere and i’d see you be so talkative, everyone seemed to like you and i hated it because i didn’t understand why no one didnt dislike you..? like it made me hate you.” sort of laughing i said "so because people didnt hate me, you thought you needed to?” “yeah! its crazy, i know..” i said.. “did your boys dislike me?” “no! they all loved you and it pissed me off.” we laughed and hugged and agreed to always laugh about it.. but that moment taught me something very valuable.. people are gonna dislike you.. some deserved, some not. you cannot control that.. in many ways, it’s almost bound to happen..

in fact, not related to me but i remember in the summer of 2023 i was helping some guys put a relay race together for something and they wanted someone i was close with to be part of it.. and then said they couldn’t get ahold of them.. “i just feel like he’s an asshole. like who are you to not wanna join?” mind you.. this person had no idea i was close to them.. but.. that moment said a whole lot about them more than it did my friend.. so because someone want’s to be their own person or simply just not want to do something, they’re an asshole?.. ok. you see, people are just gonna not like you.. you simply cannot control that.. but what you can do is be grateful for every single person who does appreciate you. because being someone anyone, even one person feels appreciated of their relationship or connection to you.. well you’ve already won.

as i was putting the final touches on this piece, figuring out where to take it, i received a message from someone i don’t know.. they were looking for creative/career/life advice if you will.. their message isn’t important but what i’m grateful for is this continued idea that people feel comfortable enough to reach out to me.. for anything.. and its in knowing that.. knowing that literal strangers see you as someone worth their valuable time.. why the hell would you ever worry about people who don’t like you.. what was it jalen hurts said.. “i had a purpose before anyone had an opinion..” truly…

i’ve had the luxury of being able to travel to travel the world.. ive been lucky enough to meet people from everywhere ive been.. and its been incredibly important to me to maintain that.. it takes work.. it takes showing up.. it takes expecting nothing.. it takes being a good person.. you can’t fool everyone forever. i think about this a lot. its been on my mind for a while and these past few recent events finally gave me the inspiration to write about it.. just this morning, someone asked me about paris.. and photographing the race.. and how i got the opportunity for this other thing.. (we’ll talk about that later) and i told them about some advice i gave a friend last year who asked about finding more work.. to which i said.. “i get paid to do the work i do now, because i did it before anyone ever wanted to pay me to do it.” simply put, you just have to show up.. people remember that you showed up more than they remember your work. people remember how you made them feel more than they remember what your capable of..

showing up takes time. it takes effort.. being known is not a flex.. being “popular” is irrelevant.. people on the internet have a million followers and get 20,000 likes on a post of their salad.. a million people do not care about your salad.. this is not about being popular.. current me in my life understands those moments at haiku gardens were not about the sushi.. they weren’t about spending money on meals we didn’t need.. it was about my father showing me the importance of showing up.. i mean sure, i’m nice with the chop sticks don’t get me wrong.. i ain’t dropped a piece of food since like 98’ ya get me??

i’m grateful for those haiku gardens moments with my dad now more than ever because it taught me the importance of showing up.. it taught me to forever be a guest. because after all.. does anyone get to stay here forever anyways? ok, that’s all… sorry.

talk soon. x.

carl.