My first guest is Binta Barry, she’s a bookseller for one of my favorite book stores, The Ripped Bodice, the first all romance bookstore in North America. She’s also a casting director. She’s a perfect first guest since she spends all her days surrounded by books and helping others find their next read. Come join us as we talk all things books and she puts me on to one of her favorite queer hockey romances.

What's On Your Shelf? w/ Binta Barry

Remember when we were kids and we would make mixtapes for each other. Your crush would give you the CD with all the songs that made them think of you. Your friends and you would share one CD with all of your favorite songs. We would spend hours on lime wire risking viruses on our computers in order to get the songs that would curate the vibes. We were curators. Spending time collating songs together to create the ambiance for your first teenage kickback, house party or even being responsible for setting the tone for the cookouts. It was a big responsibility but we were up for the challenge. We don’t do that anymore. At least in the ways we use to share our music with each other. One of the most intimate forms of a relationship you can have with someone is when they make a playlist for you. You’re letting people into your musical world. Music is the universal language yes but the songs that make you cry, happy, sad or get you in the mood is such a specific language. And to let someone into the world means something. So here I am sharing some starter playlist I have made. I take pride in the playlist I make. It’s my favorite thing to do. I take my time with them and try to make sure they represent my taste but also want to make sure my listener is enjoying themselves but getting a look into who I am. Here’s three to get you started into my world, I probably will share more. Maybe this will become our thing. But let’s start with these three and let me know how you like it. Talk soon!

90s R&B Playlist

Writing

Country 101

When someone asks you, “How are you?” what do you say? Do you genuinely tell them? Or do you give the obligatory, I’m fine? I know I do and I got to say I am sick of saying I’m good when I’m not. So what if we all start being a little honest with what we’re really feeling. And it’s not in a trauma dumping way but in a “actually, I’m not okay right now” and leaving it at that. I know there may be some follow up questions from the person that ask but it’s up to you to decide if you want to give them those answers. But I do think it’s a disservice to ourselves to keep saying we’re fine when we’re not. Whatever is the best way for you to express it, I think we all should start being a little bit more honest when answering that question. We’re not fine.

Well the new Pope is here and that was… sure an American. But you know what you can do? You can go ahead and watch UNBRAIDED. It is officially up on YouTube and Vimeo for you all to watch. After a great festival run where we got into more than 10 festivals and won Best Comedy at Micheaux, the film is now yours! An all woman producing team, woman DP, all woman camera crew and majority all woman HOD, this film was made with love for Black women! Have you ever had a hair braider cancel on you at the last minute? Well, join Frankie and Jo on their journey to rectify that. Enjoy!

Writer and Director: Caroline Renard ‪@caroline_renard‬

Cinematographer: Sade Ndya ‪@sadendya‬

Executive Producer: Lily Wachowski

Producers: Sidney Butler, Tiffany Thomas and Suhashini Krishnan

Associate Producer: Mandy Bardisbanian and Aisha Waryasonar

Starring: Aleah Quinones as Frankie

DaMya Gurley as Jo

Monique Coleman as Nia

Sasha Compere as Denise

Annabelle Watson as Carol

Godfrey as The Narrator

Assistant Director: Elaine Chu

Editor: Tasha Curtis

Script Supervisor: Kayla Young

Sound: Jason Mobley

Composer: Elisa Rice

Music Mixer: Alvin Wee

Production Designer: Rraine Hanson

Art Director: Ophelia Castellitto

Costume Designer: Mandy Bardisbanian

Hair Stylist: Stephanie Chapel

Makeup: Kim Lu

Gaffer: Ben Bowen

First Assistant Camera: Naoe

Second Assistant Camera: Simone Williams

Camera PA: Olivia Steed

Camera PA: Ashley Jackson

Stedicam Operator: Keitumetse Mokhonwana

Key Grip: Alex Kennison

Grip: Daija Smith and Cameron Stamp

Best Boy Electric: Vince Urquieta

Production Assistants: Brooklynn Reign and Carrie Chen

Graphic Designers: Michael Nozinich and James McKenzie

Thank you to our partners: Kids In the Spotlight, Beauty Beez now known as Braid House and Kosinima Grant Funding and Community for Black Filmmakers

Unbraided Short Film

Another birthday has come and gone. I’m in the official thick of my late 30s. You don’t need to know my age cause that’s my business. But yeah, I had an anticlimactic birthday on Saturday. I legit forgot what day it was until I was reminded with the first batch of text messages wishing me a Happy Birthday. Can you believe it? The day was just fine. It was a normal Saturday. But I did have a conversation with some friends who called to wish me a happy birthday that stuck with me and it’s why I’m writing this. We were talking about dating and the future and I got to tell you… I don’t know fam.

I have three weddings I’m meant to attend this summer and I have no plus one. And I never do. I have great friends, my family is good and my career is… nonexistent right now since the strikes but at least I know what I want to do with the rest of my life and that is to be a filmmaker. But there is something else lingering in the back of my mind and I don’t really know how I feel about it.

A winter wedding. I thought I would always have a winter wedding when that day came. I would be living in New York working as a Broadway actress. My husband would probably be a non theatre or non entertainment guy. There’s only room for two insane people in this relationship. I need someone calm and level headed. We would also have a few kids by now. Yeah, that’s where I thought I would be when I was younger. I thought my life would be pretty much figured out. But now I’m in my late 30s with absolutely no prospect of marriage and I honestly don’t know if it’s going to happen for me? And I don’t know what my feelings are about it. Am I happy? No. Am I sad? Not really. Am I content with things the way they are? Not sure. Do I want to be in a relationship? Maybe. People annoy me and I am so use to my own company.

Dating in this day and age is all on the apps and I hate them mainly because I have the attention span of a gnat and forget I’m on them. But that’s also cause the guys on there have absolutely no personality and respond back in one word answers. Who has time for that? It’s so bad out there. The reality is I didn’t really focus on dating in my 20s the way others did because I spent so much time trying to break into Hollywood. Living in LA and trying to make it, I didn't really prioritize dating and I wonder if that has now bitten me in the ass. It was put on the back burner for me cause I had other things I wanted to accomplish and a man wasn’t on my mind. So by the time I’m thinking about what my life is looking like now that there’s a major contraction going on in Hollywood, I realize that I am tragically single. But I don’t know if that’s a bad thing.

Like I said, I have a great community of friends and family, it’s not like I am alone. However, I do have my moments when I look around at my people who married and have kids and wonder if I am lacking. Have I waited too long? I’m getting older and you know when you go to the OBGYN once you hit mid 30s, they start asking if you’re thinking about family planning cause your eggs are going to dry up. I use to want kids but now I have so many conflicting thoughts on the subject. I like the quiet of my life. I like not having to be responsible for another human being. My dog Jack is enough. But also, I use to crave being a mother, will I regret it if I am not one? I don’t know about freezing my eggs but also I am thinking maybe I should just go ahead and do it because I don’t want the option taken away from me because of age. Like, I don’t want to have my choice of being a mother taken because I waited too long. But also, I’m getting older, do I want to be an older mother? I like sleep and I am tired. See? I have so many questions running through my head as my OBGYN has her hands up my cooter. She tells me to think about it. And I think about it I do. There’s times where I do want a partner to share my life with but I’ve been single my adult life that I don’t even know what that looks like. Have I just missed that part of my life? Am I just destined to not have that? Do I even know what to do with all that? I only have had me to worry about and I’ve just been on my own for so long, do I have the capacity to include someone into that? And then worst of all, I do have thoughts of, do I even know how to love? Can I be love? But then I remember that do know how to love, I love my family and my friends, I show them all the time. It’s frustrating being in my head sometimes.

Now I’m getting long winded so let’s wrap this up. But yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about this and asking myself, “Am I the Marrying Kind?” But do I really even care? Sigh, the joys of being a woman in your 30s as society loudly judges you day in and day out for being single. Thanks, I hate it.

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As an up and coming director, especially one that doesn’t come from money, I find myself applying to a bunch of filmmaking grants or “diversity” programs. Mind you, I have written for TV already and I am a WGA member but it doesn’t really matter when you’re not a nepo baby or someone who has disposable income. You still have to apply to these things. I’ve also been submitting my debut short film to a bunch of festivals this past year and let me tell you something… I am tired. But I’m learning a lot of things from this. And frankly I am annoyed. Let’s start with the diversity programs. They sell and pride themselves as championing and supporting new voices from underrepresented talent. They encourage you to apply cause they will help you get into the rooms you need. They will get you the mentorship and training you need. So you go ahead and apply to these programs hoping you’ll be one of the selected people. But keep in mind, it’s never a simple application that showcases the work, no it’s you having to bleed on the page. You have to break yourself open to share your wounds in order to prove you’re worthy of being a writer or director. Do you think a straight white man has to talk about his childhood traumas in order to get a job? You do it anyways. And of course, you inevitably don’t get in but when you look at who does get in the program… you have to take a step back cause WHERE IS THE DIVERSITY? WHERE IS IT? If there is any diversity in the chosen candidates, it’s always one speck of color and a handful of white women. Who is this for????

Next up, grants! So of course when you don’t have money or come from money, you turn to get your projects funded through grants. Yes, you can crowdfund but have you ever tried to crowdfund? It’s a full time job and it’s exhausting. Also, asking for strangers on the internet for money is daunting. So you turn to grants. And like with the diversity application, it feels like you’re applying to grad school. They ask so much of you in your applications and then most of these grants require a submission fee. And like with the diversity programs, the people who end up getting the money to fund their projects either have money or have a long line of projects already. And they too have prided themselves on championing new and underrepresented voices. Sure they do. Once again, I ask who is this for????

And now for film festivals! Once upon a time, it felt like film festivals were the place for independent filmmakers and films to launch their careers. But now it feels like all these festivals that once bred new voices is just a playground for celebrities. I remember as a kid that I dreamed about getting to these big festivals one day to break in and now as an adult, I don’t think that’s true anymore. Big name stars, directors and producers who have absolutely no problems with getting a project greenlight, a project financed or even distributed are in these spaces. So now, actual true independent filmmakers with no money and no power are meant to share the once indie film festival circuit with the likes of A listers. How is your film meant to break through the noise? Are film festivals still the place for true independent filmmakers to break in? Is the mission statements of these festivals still true? I don’t know the answers to this but I do know I have one question - WHO IS THIS FOR?

What are your thoughts?

"I just wrote a little something for writers, really. Write the tale that scares you, that makes you feel uncertain, that is uncomfortable. I dare you. In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to, in turn, feel the need to be constantly visible, for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success. Do not be afraid to disappear, from it, from us, for a while, and see what comes to you in the silence.”

I’m feeling like I need to disappear to really focus on the work so I can actually be doing the work. I feel myself getting overwhelmed and distracted by being online when in reality it doesn’t serve the work. Who am I tweeting for if I can’t get pages done? Being on instagram or Tik Tok? Who is that for? The writing is the work, right? Going viral doesn’t complete my scripts? Who is this instagram for if I don’t direct? Even this substack, am I just wasting my time? But like with everyone I get so addicted to these spaces and doom scroll instead of writing, how do I break the habit? How do I focus on the work?? Is it too drastic to completely go off the grid? Or is that exactly what I should do? Will going off the grid help me do the work?

Today, I am really thinking I should not be afraid to disappear from it and from you all for a while.

If you want to watch the speech:

https://youtu.be/7FI6kwRFRtU?si=pH8i17KDXbPrbe_U

Scars that continue to bleed, they never seem to heal

I mourn you, I remember you, I dream of you

Darkness befalls, I hurt

Tears fall that I wish will not come

Anger for your absence

Clarity in knowing that it is not your doing

Still not understanding why

I mourn you, I remember you, I dream of you

Darkness befalls, I hurt

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Memories I can’t seem to recall so easily

The moment I met you

Heart stuttered, breath stopped 

Possibilities

You were perfection to me

Every line on your face told the story of you

I wanted to read what was next

When you touched me I couldn’t breathe

I think I loved you once

Memories I can’t recall so easily

Heart stuttered, breath stopped

Possibilities

Yes, I think I did love you

When it was just you and I 

Time dispensed in air

My heart would beat to a beat that only I could hear

I think I loved you once

Memories I can’t seem to recall so easily

Yes, I think I did love you

But now I’m not sure

Your face is fading from my memory

Your touch is a phantom wisp of wind on my skin

I can’t recall the sound of your love 

Your kiss has become like a whisper on my lips

I think I loved you once

But now I think you were only in my dreams

I have a bunch of friends who have turned to astrology, manifesting and crystals. And the Universe! I also started saying things like “the universe will lead me.” “The universe will take care of that thing.” And I got the candles and crystals to back it up. I did the tarot readings or had people pull cards for me. And they would say stuff like because you’re an Aries Sun all these amazing things will be happening in this (insert year). That didn’t happen lol. I’ve had my ass handed to be multiple times throughout the past two years. I’ve prayed. I’ve manifested. I’ve written them down. I’ve talked to God. I’ve talk to the universe. I’ve gotten the candles and manifested over them. I’ve been honest in my prayers and you know what… I don’t know if I believe in anything anymore.

This past New Year’s Eve, I made it a point not to make any resolutions. I didn’t make a vision board, didn’t write down goals for 2025, didn’t eat grapes, didn’t read my horoscope, didn’t buy a new planner or calendar, nothing! I went into the New Year as if it was just another day. Why? Cause all of the prayers and manifesting and astrology and candles have all been wrong. So now I’m kind of in this place where I’m intentionally just keeping my mind blank and accepting that life is what it is. If I want something, I don’t pray anymore cause why? Whatever happens will happen. I have stopped manifesting and reading my astrology charts cause they’ve set me up for nothing but disappointment. I talk to God all the time but I don’t ask him for anything anymore in my conversations. I don’t know if I pray anymore but more-so just talk. I don’t know if my prayers matter. I still very much believe in God, so I guess I do still believe in something but I just don’t know if I believe in the other things that came with it. I think life happens to you and no amount of prayers or astrology protects you from that. Your mom dies, you lose jobs, homes, cars and friends even when you prayed and the astrology chart told you that it was going to be a good year. So yeah, I don’t know if I believe in much anymore.

Let’s get this out of the way - Hollywood isn’t a meritocracy and talent doesn’t actually matter most of the time. It’s just the plain simple truth of the matter. I think it’s very idealistic and naive to tell people to just pick up a camera to make their film. It’s such simplistic advice that doesn’t take into account our socioeconomic background and upbringing. The wealth gap in this country is growing by the day and it’s making what was once a feasible dream of becoming a filmmaker almost unattainable for people who are actually poor. Some of us are not cosplaying like those people we know who like to pretend but they’ve actually grown up upper middle class their entire life and their parents still pay all their bills.

“You can make anything on your iPhone nowadays, just look at (insert name here).” But what they always fail to mention is that besides the phone, the filmmaker had an expensive rig and lighting and a host of other things. Things that cost money! Or they fail to mention that the filmmaker comes from a family who subsidized a lot of things. And!!!! It’s not even necessarily about them having a parent or a family member in the film business but a family that can financially sustain them while they create art or pay for their indie projects. Or they have a family friend who is a dentist who can foot the bill for their first film. It’s always a dentist. There’s so many of these things that people conveniently forget to mention when they so confidently tell you, a person from a poor background to “just go make your movie.”

And I know what some of you are thinking, what’s the big deal? So many of the older guys made their films with no money, connections and credit cards. Why can’t you? You sound bitter and jealous. Other people are finding ways to create, why can’t you?

It’s about how so many people deny the realities of what it’s like for modern filmmakers who have no money or family connections. They never account for inflation and the cost of living compared to the 70s or 80s when these guys were coming up. Hell, even in the last 10 years it’s gotten extremely more expensive to survive for the average person. Our parents and us are not living in the same economies. The older “mentors” don’t account for the fact that college is way more expensive than when they went to school and working class and middle class families are drowning in school debt so the idea of chasing your dreams gets pushed to the back burner. You use to be able to rent an apartment by yourself for what utilities cost nowadays. If you live in LA or NYC, places that are considered the hub of the entertainment industry, an average apartment now cost you well over $1000. Sometimes a regular non fancy studio can cost $1200 to $1500 for one person. And then you add in grocery, gas, light and whatever else you can think of just to be able to survive, the idea of “just going to make your movie” feels very far fetched and naive when you’re a poor kid. Something that feels even more impossible than before. These last 5 or 6 years have taken a financial toll on the most vulnerable and the dream doesn’t seem as realistic.

And streaming, something we thought would democratize and open up more doors for marginalized filmmakers has disrupted the business and sometimes not in the best ways. Movies aren’t going to theaters as much but instead going straight to streaming which unfortunately makes your project fall through the cracks of the algorithm. Movie theaters are dying and films aren’t making much money in return which then causes the studios and producers to stop taking chances. It’s also disrupted the traditional TV model which sees less episodes and less seasons, TV use to be a place filmmakers could cut their teeth and make some money before a film. But now people are making less while everything around us get more expensive. Which now goes back to my question of, in 2025, if you’re not already from a family that has money or a family already in the business, can poor kids really dream of being filmmakers anymore?

Sometimes it feels like no. Sometimes it feels impossible. When you’re trying to make ends meet cause a dollar today actually doesn’t stretch the way it did 30 or 40 years ago. When our elders were able to survive on just ONE job and still buy houses but now more and more millennials are still renting. When more and more people aren’t retiring which doesn’t allow room for the rest of us to move up. How are we supposed to find the money to make our little indie projects? Shorts don’t really catapult careers anymore. Making a web show on YouTube doesn’t launch the next multi hyphenates anymore. It seems like a lot of what use to be avenues for someone from a working class background to break in are no longer viable and we’re all back to square one as the gap between the have and have nots widen.

Art being made from only wealthy people will suck! When you homogenize art and say that only the rich kids can do it, it’s going to be boring, flat and one note. Is that what we really want? Is that what we need? Especially now and in this world moving more and more towards fascism? We need bold and innovative filmmakers from marginalized backgrounds and class to tell truth to power in their films. When rich kids try to make “their poor/working class” movies or shows, it always comes off false because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. They have no lived experience to draw from. Films and shows will undoubtedly suffer from this. I am worried that so many of us are just simply trying to make it to the next day under this government that a lot of needed films will not be made. Or they will be made but they will be diluted cause the wrong people are telling them. And I know people love to believe that being a starving artist is part of the journey but I don’t know guys, it’s not the same world. Can’t really be a starving artist who will eventually make it when the price of today was not the price of yesterday. I feel like I’m rambling now. I really want to know, can poor kids still dream of being filmmakers one day? Do we still have a shot in this declining world? When the wealth gap between the rich and poor in this country keep growing day by day? Is there still a space for us regular non nepotism poor kids in this industry?

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