The first tooth you lose. Um, depending on who raised you, you’ll either get a visit from the tooth fairy, or you throw your tooth very far away and hope the teeth ancestors give you gorgeous adult teeth. The first time you ride a bike and your dad is behind you lying that he’ll not let go, when in reality, he actually let go 15 seconds ago. Must be where our trust issues began. The first boy you had a crush on, but he didn’t like the note you wrote him confessing your feelings. Lakini sasa mbona mtu ajam ju nimesema nitamkiss? Alikuwa shy maybe? Ama was I too forward?

Subscribe now

The first two shots of whisky, and you come alive and realize that you love drinking and it loves you back. Have you met Mwendas mixologist? You will fall in love with his cocktails. Actually you’ll want to kidnap him. First meetups, when you look at someone and try to read what they’re thinking, whole time they were staring at you. And they just happen to say, “you’re the bane of my existence, and the object of my desires.” Well, the one person who can say that line is Anthony freaking Bridgerton… Anyway, focus!!!

First kisses. Good god first kisses. Pretending that there’s no shyness or nervousness, the entire time you’ve forgotten how to operate your arms, or how anything works, you can’t stop smiling, alafu your brain is not braining. Seriously, they could ask you, gangster of all gangsters how you liked a certain movie, or your favorite drink, and you’d like, “Kiss me again.” First sex. The dopamine of a new body, a new connection, wueh, novelty. Sounds filling the room and just ugh, skin to skin, and whatnot, the smell of sex, and the first time you wake up next to them and you wonder whether you should leave, sleep a little longer, or pop the zit that’s on his face.

There’s gonna be a first time you catch someone cheating on you and instead of throwing a fuss, Oh my God he has a nice microwave, you just unplug the damn thing and go sell it. You could’ve sold the fridge, but it’s too heavy, we’ll circle back later. The first day you stop giving a shit about that person who did you dirty. Somehow, it’s always a Thursday, always a fucking Thursday. The sun is shining bright, two bob kwa mpesa, zero bob mshwari, bank account…my career is… Yess, now your thinking about the financial crisis you have. Sharp boy? Sharp girl? Heha movers? Can I be your plus one to your networking thingy?

The first time you say so what?

So what if I paid his rent for three months?

So what if I slept in the same bed with him and his wife?

So what if he slapped me?

EEHHH? Enda therapy. As a matter of fact, first time in therapy and your therapist is looking at you with so much empathy, whole time their mind is doing somersaults because, ati who slapped you, ebu show me the photos? This cannot be the person you’re trynna get a revenge body for. Likeee?? The therapist should probably have a therapist for all this you know. It’s traumatizing.

Proceeding,

The first house you rent. Could be a bedsitter where if you trip and fall mkono iko kwa bafu, mguu iko kitchen, but laying down on the floor you realize, damn, hii ni yangu. Kwa hivo mtoe viatu. TF. Why between my appreciating my house you’re entering with your shoes. Oh and the first 3 guests you host. One sits on the floor the rest sit on the bed, the house is packed, wengine itabidi muende kwa jirani, or book an appointment to be hosted in my mansion. Periodt. And somehow, it will remain one of the most special moments in your life

You’ll probably never forget your first neighbor. He’s a man of the ladies, but for crying out loud why do the girls keep knocking on your door to borrow a damn lighter. Wanachoma bila wewe. Wait, false alarm, the babes were performing cooking duties. At some point you get tired because they won’t invite you over for dinner so you let them keep your lighter. At night, they reward you with moans louder than the diamond platnumz song in their house that’s shaking the entire building.

The first time you get paid. You worked for it. Hiyo thao, ama hizo thao, you get yourself that ice cream you had been craving for a minute, you buy your curtains and we’re back to zero because they cost one million, but you’re happy. The first baby you have. Wait a minute. Wait a damn minute. I’m the last born, didn’t my mom feel the same way she felt when…starting a fight with her. Anyway, the first steps your baby makes, the first time they trip because babies don’t look down, they look at their destination. (motivational speakers can add that one to their list).

Not forgetting, the first time you hold yourself back from slapping someone. It takes a lot to not slap a stupid person. No, a stupid person who cannot shut up. Ishia kabla nikumalize. Wewee. The lawyers I know won’t represent me. Wanataka makesi za mashamba. Or the first time you realize that we’re all just winging it. We’re all just making shit up. Adulthood is so overrated. I want to be taken care of. Mjengo kila siku aiii.

First loves, first breakups?? Hiyo ni mambo yenu. I leave it at that because I almost never have a concrete conclusions. But in conclusion, firsts are good, I love firsts, and if you have my number, yes, that’s still my mpesa number, sooo do the necessary.

Yote nane, tisa, kumi, how does this phrase go…

Have an amazing weekend,

love,

Carolinaaa <333

I’ll kiss the girl you’re hitting on. Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Hold my hands and place them on your balls.

Most of y’all hamna adabu for real. We’re dating, officially, and you’re hitting on random girls, publicly? on the internet? ama we’re going on a walk and you’re hitting on someone when I’m standing right there. I could try to be understanding. I could pretend I don’t see shit. But nah, I will grab that girl’s ass and I will kiss her. She’s cute, she’s a great kisser, and she now likes me.

There’s better things to do than faking an orgasm.

Vitu zingine si must. You don’t have to moan if you’re not a moaning person. The problem with some of the XYs is, that alone will turn into a, “So hukuwa unafeel poa, then why weren’t you…oh so I’m not the best you’ve…” and many other stories.

Alafu suddenly it’s going to be like a theatre performance in there. And for what?

Imagine my shock when I saw someone talking about how she was asked to scream, so that the neighbor could hear that manz call go all night long.

Is it a must you stay with that guy for the rest of your life? Stand tf up. Go hiking, do yoga, buy a rose, I dunno speak up.

Hope you have an amazing week.

Love

Caroline the Scientist <33

Each piece can be read on its own. life is short, be a young ho and life is short, be unpunishable.

Subscribe now

A while back, I sent my friend a reel that went something like, “allow me to love your brother, we’re running out of time.” We laughed. Of course, I mean duh, I found it hilarious, but now that I think about it, now that I think about it. Hear me out…

Let’s say, we dated a while back. We got past the wowing me, kuniingiza box, and the honeymoon stage. And then the mask finally comes off. You know the drill, emotionally unavailable, it wasn’t that serious, not in the right headspace, and all those things y’all say to avoid accountability, or to look troubled. Kitambo, this used to happen around month two or three, but nowadays, everybody keeps saying, “well, at least I enjoyed those two weeks when things were normal.”

Anyway,

Your brother just happens to be the exact opposite. Emotionally available, intentional, sexy, biceps (moment of silence for the biceps).

Try and convince me that this isn’t the doing of the universe. Nooo, tell me that this isn’t a reward for that one time I volunteered to look after my neighbors goats, and one happened to play hide and seek with me, and i chased it around. Tell me, that this isn’t a reward, after all the dust I have picked up kwa hizi streets za Nairobi, from getting stood up on dates, to guys who were competing to be the girlfriend in the relationship, and situationships that drove me insane.

Who am I to fight the universe? It is unethical to fight the universe. I think.

I know this is going to sound very toxic. But is it really? Is it really that bad??

Think of people like flights. You book an economy flight every time, but on this particular day, the airline decide to upgrade you to business class. Better treatment, better comfort, and whatnot.

And if by any chance I was the one who fumbled, just let me have my redemption arc. It’s not my fault i addressed my issues in therapy aki. You know what they say about personal growth. It comes with benefits.

Sijui kama mnanielewa.

If you really really think about it, we’ve given ourselves too much unnecessary stress trying to respect imaginary boundaries, which the universe clearly doesn’t give a fuck about.

You know, people are different. Brother 1 leaves you questioning your worth, and the endless googling “is mercury in retrogade…wait, so which planet is in retrogade?” and brother 2, ahhh brother 2. Somebody give this guy an award.

Now that you can see that don’t ask me stupid questions.

Sijui, “if I was standing here with him, would you choose him?”

Mara, “Look into my eyes and tell me, you love him, and you don’t love me”

Ama, “You’re doing this to get back at me.”

Yes, I would immediately run right. I’ll look into your eyes and tell you very softly, like in the movies, “ahh i’m sorry, it’s not you” and lastly, in the words of my hero Ava Coleman, “just because you have a big head like the Teletubby sun doesn’t mean the world revolves around you.”

We lasted for two weeks, nisawa, I appreciate that, now allow me to go enjoy my two, three months.

Anyway, who am I to advice you. Free will, yeah? As long as you’re happy, and comfortable, who cares? Also, you can always throw in that “I date to understand myself better” crap incase “fuck off” doesn’t work.

All in all,

life is short, let me love your brother

Yours problematic,

Carolinaaa <3

Yearning is such a draining concept. It’s only interesting in the movies, because we know so and so are gonna be endgame. Which should be the only point of romance movies by the way. The other tropes where there’s two guys involved and the girl ends up choosing herself should get its own category, it’s useless in the romance category tbh.

Subscribe now

There are three proven ways to lose a guy…in ten days.

Tell them how you feel.

I swear to goddesses, things always find a way of just going left. Suddenly they’re still in love with their ex. Suddenly, it wasn’t that deep, wasn’t that serious. Their grandma died, she died in 2020 but they remembered they were going through it at the time and they are back.

I can tell you the exact moments in my life where loving people started hurting. Where I’d try my best to give an edited version of myself to be easier to keep. When it gets tiring teaching people consistency, consideration and whatnot.

We live we learn. I beg you, in the name of Aphrodite, keep your lessons to yourself. The only acceptable lesson is maybe next time instead of saying I love you, just look into their beautiful brown eyes, have those deep conversations, sprinkle a little humor here and there, admire them teaching you something then say, “It’s that time, give me dumb reasons as to why you want nothing to do with me.”

Talk to them.

Sometimes, it’s good to just look at people. Just look at them. Watch from a distance. You don’t really have to fuck every person you’re attracted to. You don’t even have to talk to every person you have a crush on.

You’ve got to ask yourself, is it worth ruining the illusion?

Most of the time the answer is no, because, what if it’s trash? What if the head is terrible? Oh dear God, what if they’re not fun to talk to? What if they are a misogynistic dude? What if they look down on women? It’s not gonna end well…

What is it they say, “little daydreams won’t get a chance to disappoint you.”

Breathe. Exist

Self explanatory, to be honest

For the love of titties, are we ever going to stop feeling with caution?

Holding back because of fear. Because of the past? Because of what could be? Sijui what couldn’t be?

It’s emotionally exhausting. I may be at a dangerous point in my life where compliments make me want to roll my eyes. You’re gorgeous, you’re smart, you’re one of a kind, are things we all love hearing, i mean duh, but they almost make us questioning ourselves when those are the same reasons for leaving/ghosting/whatever people are doing nowadays/ ill treatment

You like someone coz they’re funny and also smart so you hit on other women. You like them because they’re one of a kind so you ignore them. You like them because they’re gorgeous so you go out of your way to make them feel like shit every 3 to 4 days. Make it make sense.

I can’t even emphasize this enough,

Normalize not throwing words around. People end up looking like clowns for real.

Someone tells you they love you, even introduce you to his friends, only to find out the next day, that they did all that with some other girl the previous weekend, except she met the cousin and one of the sisters too. This normally leads to, “I’m coming to you as a woman,” which shockingly ends with the dude feeling very good about himself.

Someone tells you, I have to choose myself. TF. Why are you talking to me kama unajichoose?? Ama kama you don’t want women??!! There’s this song that goes something like,

“Why do I choose people that don’t choose me… It’s so stupid”

I empathize with her because sa zingine ni ngumu. Especially in cases where the said person ends up in an actual relationship immediately after you’re done, seeing someone actively pursuing others publicly when they claim they’re into you. Or even uum i don’t know, the list is endless. You’re left with so many questions. Like oh so they’re capable of commitment and whatnot, just not with you.

MF!!

Where is the intention? The desire? The clarity? The feeling? The honesty? The loyalty? Iko wapi?

Shout out to all the friends are usually with us in such situations. They don’t get enough credit.

August 1st is girlfriends day, and the air in CBD usually smells like lovers and stuff. Yes, I’m talking about a couple I saw hapo KICC on Valentine’s day kissing. It was a hard day for me, but I the aaww I felt for the couple weighed more than the urge to throw a stone at them or run around screaming mwizii, tuone what would have happened. Anyway for anybody feeling some type of way at the moment, avoid CBD on Saturday at all costs.

For now, twendeni tulewe.

Yours frustrated,

Carol <3

Y’all watch too much porn and it shows.

You’ve got distorted standards on what shapes and sizes are acceptable for tits, how coochies are supposed to look like, what penis sizes are acceptable and which ones aren’t, then get shocked when in real life people don’t match the criteria. (Same same people who have openly stated that they would like to be masseuses and gynecologists with of course the underlying tone of sexual desire, as if people aren’t dealing with real problems.)

Imagine doing a whole ass review on how someone’s coochie looks like, and randomly dropping a comment on a vid they posted months ago ati, ‘si you get brightening creams for your thighs,’ and ‘hiyo kitu yako inakaa aje.’ Kitu inatangazwa hadi kwa radio stations, ati someone’s nudes are out there?

Ama ni mimi sielewi? Is it that y’all didn’t think people could be that bendy, ama girl to girl action wasn’t as aesthetic as what you saw on screens, ama people looking different in lingerie, ama that your girl’s coochie doesn’t look like the girl you’ve stalked, for a whole week to see the damn nudes.

It’s the selective amnesia for me. Most of us have, at some point, sent spicy stuff to people we dated, situationships even, i mean, people make sex videos to spice up their sex lives, cute, and other people have Only Fans accounts which they still get shamed for yet they are earning a living and even living more comfortably than most of us.

I think it’s genuinely traumatizing to trust someone with something private and have them breach that trust, and instead of them being called out, arrested and stuff, you, the victim is dragged on the internet for weeks. Weeks. Fucking weeks.

There’s a babe on the clock app, who talked about a time she really needed money, her friend lied to her to send nudes to some guy to get good money, which she did. She was never paid, and they kept threatening to leak her nudes. Imagine someone holding that over you, keeping you in a constant state of fear. Anyway, it finally happened and she was dragged, heck some people even come for her now, and that shit happened years ago. It’s a very good thing she stopped caring, and stopped explaining herself.

Learn from her. Leave the explaining committee people. Ati, I did it coz i needed money, I was with him because… Don’t say shit. Disappear. Because chances are the Mother Teresa advisor is also doing something that would send the entire nation to a coma, for money, but hey, that’s their life. It’s still not gonna stop them from talking. You could be doing something else, like healing, taking care of your mental health, reconnecting with mother nature even.

Y’all wanna shame others so bad, and it shows

I’ve come to realize that people who want to humiliate you are going to make sure it happens one way or another. And they will wrap it in an excuse. ‘i was angry, forgive me…but the experience taught you how to deal with bullies…’

Release me from that nonsense jameni

A while back, during the, ‘we listen and we don’t judge’ challenge, everybody was sharing wild personal shit, some of which should’ve stayed private. Wdym you dated a serial killer and stole from him, and he hunted you down and you killed him? Where can I get the rest of the story?

Anyway there’s one that made me go WTF. The man was doing the challenge with his wife and he said that whenever they have sex and she thinks that he’s cumming inside her, he’s actually urinating inside her. (he said this laughing btw)

I don’t even think it’s the confession… Nah, it’s definitely the confession, who am I kidding.

Eeww, the infections alone are scrary , eew why would he do that, more importantly, why would somebody come up and tell millions of people that he does that to his wife? And still some strangers straight up said that he could’ve communicated if the wife was a good listener. There was one that said that he doesn’t finish because he doesn’t get pleasured, the cooch isn’t good enough. Wah wah wah, kumbafu zangu. Mbwa mimi. Pleasure, no pleasure, is that something to do to a person you care about, and reveal to the world, who are never gonna forget all that shit, in the name of, ‘but it made great content’

Be for real.

And they’ll ridicule you privately too. Someone I had a fling with a long time ago, would just casually body shame their ex. What was wrong with her body, how she used to look naked. What he didn’t like about her body… What demon would possess you to say that to the person you’re trying to sleep with? unless some part of you needed her to know you’d judge her too eventually. I also think that some people do this to test how you are gonna stroke their egos, when they are just as insecure and messy themselves. And they will Sincere their way into your life, utashangaa

Subscribe now

I really wonder why the wrong people get condemned, and this goes for people who come out and say that they were sexually assaulted and harassed. There’s always that one person, ‘But why would you dress like that when…’ And the dude is walking freely looking for his next target. The attention, is on the wrong things, on the wrong people, and it goes on for months even.

I can only hope that all that energy will manifest next year during elections. Beba hadi majirani. Make calls, amsha kila mtu.

Enjoy your weekend.

Adios darlings.

Carolina<3

Usiponipenda nitapendwa na nani?

Nitajipenda TF.

Subscribe now

I was rereading pieces I wrote last year and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kinda miss the girl I was back then. Sure, I found myself in weird situations. Very weird situations.

Wtf is ‘I like you but you have to be approved by my ex.’

Sijui ‘I like you but you have a male neighbor.’

Oddly enough, none of that shit affected me. I may or may not have found it hilarious. Plus the block button was my best friend I was giving gangster as hell.

The one time a situation actually got under my skin, I had two babes who snapped me out of it very fast. Its actually very funny now that I think about it.

When I gave them the story, it started with an ‘aaaaww how sweet’ giggles and even spinning with those cute office chairs, and the more I gave information, it started giving weird ‘that’s not a bnb what would he wanna take you to a lojo, for a hug? shady.’ then eventually, ‘ukilia kwa hii mat coz of that, nitakuslap out of these delulus’ I don’t even remember if I cried or not, all I know is that i knew it was time to just give up whatever it is I was holding on to.

The tough love helped

And I did say it out loud, a little drunk though. ‘I’m giving up on you.’ Silence, silence…

Seven hundred hours later.

Still silence.

There were very many words said before I got to the giving up speech which I don’t remember, but from what I heard, it was giving dignity, gangster, and I ended it with a, ‘nimeenda home.’

Would I have done things differently? Heck yes.

The moment we made eye contact at the time, I’d have, I dunno gone blind, deaf, invisible. And also I wouldn’t have done the speech. Because genuinely, some people, it doesn’t even matter what language you use to try and explain how you feel, ama you get the best lawyers you know to do the talking for you. Hata you decide to explain with a video, or anime, they’re gonna look at you like you’re crazy. So stop overexplaining to people who don’t care.

2026 me has probably not been as gangster as 2024 2025 me was. It’s not necessarily a bad thing though. But we live we learn, sindio?

I realized that a couple of days ago. Do you know how deep in the trenches you are when you start reaching out to strangers, acquaintances so that you don’t go insane? Just to talk. And yes, they did pull me out of the hole I had buried myself in. Otherwise I would have probably turned to AI for emotional validation and gotten myself into one of those ai psychosis rabbit holes.

But, let’s just say we thank God for clothes, hair and money.

I know those sound incredibly shallow but boy do we underestimate the healing power of looking hot. Money is for real the remedy for a lot of things, now add a fresh hairdo, or a wig. And you tell me I can’t conquer the world? Bitch please!

Sometimes I forget I’m just a 22 year old. And still I might find myself wanting to pull a Queen Charlotte. The funny part about that is that once you do it, there’s no going back, things find a way of crumbling and you snap out of it, or, well you just keep hoping, and waiting.

“I will stand with you between the heavens and the earth”

Bombastic side eye.

Ama it depends with who you’re standing with? Okay lemme shut it

Waiting, isn’t really a bad thing. This does not apply to Melanie and Sincere’s situation though, abeg. But it does turn you to some sort of woo woo girl. Utajipata tu ukipea universe ultimatums. ‘if this doesn’t happen, then this is it.’ two days later it happens. I mean, I keep saying, ‘say something I’m giving up on you’ and the said person actually says something, and I just find it very funny.

Anyway, the universehas a sense of humor. It’s also a narcissist that will throw shit your way until you get the point ykk. You can either laugh or cry, your choice.

So the point.

The point is, stop watching soap operas. And idk, i think people can survive everything except uncertainty. That’s why we wait, for a word, the slightest sign that it’s worth it. Something. You want them to say something. Not even the whole truth. Just enough to tell you not to leave yet, you shouldn’t give up.

If you wait long enough, life does the job for you, so don’t worry, you’ll give up soon enough😂

It also helps to find a friend who will scream into your face every two to three days, ‘Travel and do better.’

Enjoy your weekend.

Love,

Carolina <3

life is short, be a young ho!

Subscribe now

In Lana Del Rey’s song, ‘Ride’ she recites a monologue where she ends with “I am fucking crazy but I am free” and it got me thinking. A wise babe once referred to me as unpunishable. At the time I didn’t hear her fully because I was fighting for my life mentally and emotionally. It was only once I came back to my sane/insane self that a thousand light bulbs lit up.

Nitasema kama btw, “Kitambo nilikuwa nadhani nimechizi, sahii najua”

It got me thinking about mental prisons. The invisible contracts and commandments on who we’re allowed to be, what we’re allowed to say, how much space we’re allowed to occupy before we’re termed as too much and told to shrink because someone else wants us too

Fuck all that.

To be unpunishable means no system, person or institution can take away your power, your peace, your wealth. You’re resourced, you’re regulated, you have a life team, you have a healthy body, a clear mind, a free soul, you do whatever it is you like, because you like it. (Tuseme I’m halfway there, sawa? Ama tuseme I’m there already)

I think it even makes you harder to manipulate because you learn that people are meant to be experienced, and you recognize when the time’s up and pack your damn bags. Because one of the biggest prisons for most of us is large egos rooted in us being the exception to someone’s changed behavior. I can’t speak for everyone but people tell on themselves. They lay everything on the table

“Nikona 3 babymamas, I don’t talk to them… Sijai hold down a job for like 3 years…I fuck around… Friends are useless… ”

And you’ll be all, “Ooh you knoow, you can change, I can see the potential.”

Unsee it. Close your eyes. I mean, even in Love Island, Kenzie has never spoken a friendly sentence to Zach after he made his damn choice. She watched how Corbin reacted, accepted it and moved on. I’m not even gonna talk about Melanie, coz we’ve all been Melanie at some point, yeah.

Anyway, back to mental prisons.

I am unsubscribing from any form of struggle or mental confinement. Guilt stops working coz you’ve learnt that other people’s disappointment isn’t your responsibility. That people’s actions shouldn’t have all that control over your emotions. I think I said this in a piece

Someone on ig reels said sth like why would you be embarrassed because somebody cheated on you and your relationship was public. Delete the photos or just edit the caption and say, “didnt know I was dealing with a cheater when we took this photo” and move on.

Why would you be embarrassed because somebody said something about your past in a 12 part series on TikTok? You forgave yourself and that's all that matters. Somebody leaked your nudes in 2020, I hope you sued them.Crash out, cry if necessary, whatever it takes you to get over that and move.

Shame is mental. You’ve already embarrassed yourself enough times to know that nobody cares. Nobody can punish you by playing mind games because you know what to do and you do it!

I think one of the reasons I’ve written crazy things here is because I'm free and comfortable saying the insane thoughts in my mind. I mean you’ll call me crazy and I’ll take that as a compliment. Heck I’m not even bound by the decisions I made yesterday. I'll change my mind if it doesn't resonate with today me.

I’ve said a couple of times that wicked people be having the time of their life. Idk, call me Maleficent of something. Anyway, the nervous system regulation happens in self authority. When you break the invisible contracts. And it requires force. When you are termed as difficult, angry, unreasonable, unbending, when you start putting some boundaries, very strong boundaries for you, when you stop playing by the rules meant to confine you and keep you small. You learn, and you really really really learn. (lost my trail of thought)

And when you’re finally there, you’re living your authentic free life, there’s gonna be all sorts of labels thrown in your face. Difficult. Intimidating. Dramatic. Stubborn. Mara ukijiexpress you’re too much, tena usipojiexplain you’re fearful. When you cry you’re termed too emotional, when you choose to dress the earth girl aesthetic way they call you a witch. You'll get a, you're too much, not enough, too feminine, too masculine, too serious. Aaiiii. Hamtosheki? Mnataka aje?

Sijui be sexy not sexual, wtf is that, si humans are sexual beings. And while we’re still having this conversation. Free yourself from the need to people please. There’s a lot more things to do than faking an orgasm, put the damn toy into use without feeling guilt, or shame.

Be ambitious but not too ambitious. Doesn’t even make sense. Be ambitious. Let the ceiling be so high that nobody gets in the way of whatever it is you want. Open the consultancy, Apply for a job in Italy idc, just do whatever your soul yearns for. Fail, learn, unlearn, its the circle of life.

I'm gonna end this here, though it feels anti climatic😭but anyway, be authentic, stand your ground, speak your mind hadi uitwe chizi. Muah!

At the end of the day, roses are red, violets are blue, something something something, be unburdened and free.

Love,

Carol <3

Take 1

Honestly, I think life experiences are supposed to be a little embarrassing. And by a little, I mean ten minutes max. Anything more than that ni kuoverdo. I mean, even I am a chronic overthinker and I know that most things aren’t that serious. Ishahappen, let it gooo!

So you tripped and fell and people got a sneak peak of your panties, at least someone knows what kind to shop for when they are out shopping. You confessed your feelings and it feels weird, at least you owned up to your feelings. Congratulations, you’re emotionally brave! So what if you called them ten times for one week, and they never answered. Well, uum, okay, at least you know you have money, you can afford a drink, a blunt, or maybe therapy, ten times kuna venye it’s too much.

Damn it mtoto mdogo, watch yourself.

Sasa why would you carry that for three, five, seven years? Unclench your fucking brain. Maybe watch frozen, you might learn a thing or two from Elsa. Anna, well nah, don’t go falling in love with strangers, utadedi.

The biggest scam that has been sold to humanity, is that everybody is paying attention to you. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves (and the Kenyan government) You do something ridiculous, you survive. You shake your ass, you move on. Periodt.

Take 2

(Forget everything in take one for a minute.)0

A list of things that should be taken seriously.

• Words.

A while back I had a conversation with my friend about red flags and he mentioned, ‘someone saying they are obsessed with him.’ I laughed because, kama mtu hataki kupendwa si aseme, ama? I remembered that moment when I was telling someone I need a project that will consume me, and I will obsess over for a month, maybe more? Something I’d think about, when eating, sleeping, breathing, wait a damn minute,

Unhealthily obsessed people will drive you insane. From, you didn’t answer my call, your location was off, and you weren’t at your friends house, to, gimme your phone so you can prove your love to me, by showing me your best friends chats and whatnot. It can even go as far as, ‘ukiniacha nitajiua,’ sometimes, ‘you can’t go, I have mental problems.’

Love is a little stupid, but not that stupid. Moral of the story, listen carefully.

• People telling on themselves. All the time

This one I think we should all learn, coz boy do we love potential.

Mtu anakwambia tu ako selfish, they don’t communicate, they’re polygamous, and all you hear is, ‘Yeah I’m the one.’ What a dangerous level of optimism.

• Threats.

‘Nitakuoa. Utanizalia’ and stuff. Not me jonasi, not me.

(okay, now you can remember everything in take 1)

Subscribe now

Take 3

I am trying to come up with more comforting phrases and words to tell my friends when they’re heartbroken, you know, that actually work. Because all that love yourself talk isn’t it at all.

I found myself on the receiving end of ‘love yourself’ and all I kept thinking to myself was, kwani when did I stop loving myself, it’s not as if romantic love replaced all that.

Took the advice anyway, like a good girl, and ah man, cut all that self love crap, buying yourself flowers, going on solo dates is cute and nice, actually didn’t think I’d enjoy it and whatnot, but I love love. My heart yearns to receive all the good things that come from loving and being loved. Including listening to II hands to heaven ending, smile, and melt inside.

But, mjipende.

Take 4

‘Do I have an open invitation saying use me?’

I’m gonna hold your tits when I say this

Probably, yeah.

I know, there’s a specific kind of exhaustion that comes with being empathetic. Overly empathetic maybe? The maybes you’ll tell yourself in the name of being understanding…

You’ll excuse bad behavior, manipulation, lies, and all sorts of shenanigans, with a, ‘maybe they’re just going through a hard time.’ And then later on you start asking yourself whether you’re walking around with a tattoo on your forehead saying, ‘pleasee pleasee use me.’ Well yes sister, if you go around opening your heart, arms, time, understanding, legs and nyash to everybody. I mean, duh.

Don’t get me wrong, be kind, be empathetic, just stay exclusive, because at the end of the day, we’re always playing the game of becoming something. Meaning if we keep making ourselves open to every energy, nonsense and stuff, your internal self will transcend to chaos. Which will mess you mentally, physically, emotionally and stuff. We don’t want that now, do we?

Take 5

Move your body and hydrate.

Hope y’all are having an awesome day!

Au revoir.

You finally get the hang of twerking, you look at a photo of the guy you’ve been crushing on for weeks and you feel nothing. You look in the mirror and it hits you that you are too young to be going through, well, whatever it is you’re going through

Subscribe now

Nah because at 21, ushakuwa stepmom twice and since you’ve been trying to be Mrs mature you’ve not been going out. You keep replaying and romanticizing that friendship, or relationship that drained the life out of you, and now you spend years in therapy, meditation every hour. Sa zingine ni mbaya because wueh, shaving your head?? Taking a vow of silence?? Hapo kama yapper mngekuwa mmeniweza because I wouldn’t survive.

I am notorious in letting things overconsume me. And the deeper I feel, the more hurt and confused I get. One of my aunties keeps scolding me every three to five months, by throwing a,

“Date for fun, you’re too young.”

“Casual dating?”

“Everything good finds you when you’re having fun…”

I think about it a lot because she’s probably right yeah. Only being in chapter 2 of adulthood, and having collected all sorts of personalities. Therapist, bob the builder, even a traditionalist, when there’s better things you could be doing. Like shaking your ass until the sun rises. Throwing your bra at Charisma’s concert because you have better ones anyway.

Burn therapy!! Kissing a stranger. (I’m a little skeptical on this because, mouth herpes exists y’all) Fucking a stranger. Travelling to France and changing your damn timeline. Getting heartbroken and flying to Maldives to be one with the ocean. Looking into getting a Canadian passport. My favorite, Attending a Megan thee Stallion Meet and Greet, and admire her ass properly.

The point is.. Yeah I’ve lost the point.

I think we spend a lot of time putting ourselves in boxes of shame, embarrassment, and trying to look and act a certain way, and do all some things, in order to impress people, and we always end up disappointed, eventually. Which I think is an important lesson in doing things for you.

And it’s even in little things. Like getting in touch with your and sensuality for you. Watu wengi do so much one day to getting with a guy. Eating all sorts of fruits, doing the steaming and what not, to give it some sort of appeal. Well then give it the same damn appeal on normal days, ukijidishi pia. Take pole dancing lessons if you can, dance lessons, to simply feel sexy. Then go to alchemist on Mondays and dance, so that the heart can do its primary function.

Bottomline, get out of your head a little. Why be embarrassed because your dude was hitting on some babe. Find the babe, kiss her and leave em. That’s toxic advice, but it will be one heck of a story for my bestie’s kid. Why be embarrassed because some guy you got involved with is embarrassing himself on the internet, thats a them thing, mtoe kwa list ya body count.

Sijui kama nimeeleweka.

Basically,

Life is short, Touch grass, Touch the ocean, if your finances allow, touch another continent. You’re a young ho… Act like it!

Easily one of my faves btw.

Have an amazing day,

Adioss,

Carolina <3

I hope when death comes, it is kind to me. When it takes me, I hope I see the light so that I can run the fuck away from it. Because if all the documentaries I’ve watched, and all those papers I’ve read about reincarnation are true, I do not want to come back.

Not as a pumpkin, a human being, a dog, a cat, a tree, or even a plastic bag.

Subscribe now

No, what is the real purpose of life? What was the original plot? Because if you ask me, I’m always assuming that I was put on this earth to be silly like King Julien, very whimsy and then die. What is all this brutal reality and grief doing here? What is all these life lessons? Kwanza ata what was the plan for cockroaches regarding accommodation, are we supposed to live with them? Is every creature brought into this earth to be confused or is it just us?

You’d think that we would cut each other some slack, because we’re all newbies here. None of us asked to be born into whatever situation we were born into. You’d think that shared confusion would make us gentler with each other, but oh dear lord human beings are going out of their way to make lives miserable for each other. Enthusiastically. I was involved in a discussion about abusive and toxic people and someone said, “We should come to terms with the fact that people are always going to people and that’s okay” She even continued and said that in this generation the only thing that’s supposed to shock us is encountering good, kind hearted, empathetic, genuine, loving and caring people.

I was immediately pissed off because if we followed that logic all the way home, that would mean that we would walk around permanently bracing ourselves. Always expecting and anticipating bad things, bad experiences, bad people. Always in a defensive stance, treating kindness like it’s an anomaly. And then later on in life, the same bad people suddenly find Jesus, or therapy, or a Pinterest board about healing and start preaching about how to be good and what not. And they’ll go on and on and on about how it’s their first time living, so we should understand that that’s why they treated you like crap, that’s why they abused you physically, emotionally, sexually. That’s why they locked you in their house like a chihuahua and almost beat you to death. That’s why they drove you to the brink of insanity. Having you go through months of therapy, rehab and what not.

It’s also your first time living and you ain’t doing any of that.

And I try very very very hard to understand, sometimes, because our experiences, the environments we’ve grown up in and our observations shape how we interact with people and treat them. That part has nuance. But, excuse me, have you heard of therapy? have you heard of inner work, shadow work, any sort of work?

Na what’s not clicking? What’s not clicking aki?

And maybe it’s not that even that people are not conversant with the language of self work, maybe the real issue is that doing the actual work is terrifying and nobody wants to admit that, so instead they perform it. You know, take the aesthetic route. Where people make it their whole personality, and the actual demons are left completely untouched. Because that takes emotional bravery, and that’s not aesthetic.

Most people are stuck in consuming information about changing your lives then consuming more without doing any work, and then others just make their wounds their whole identity, like they’re nothing without whatever happened to them, it makes them more interesting.

Tutaishi aje sasa?

The more you interact with people of all kind, black, white, hispanic, you realize that chungu ilikuwa moja for real. It’s a universal thingy. People betray those they claim they love. They insult those who have taken care of them all their life, they kill people in the same country they claim they’d die for, they hurt the ones they claim they care about, over and over and over again. And it’s a little bit creepy because for some people, it gives them pleasure to do that. Someone once posted that he’s usually so very damn happy when he makes women cry, and I was so shocked to see that he wasn’t the only one. Some people get satisfied when they beat up their partners, geez is it a mental illness? Others get their satisfaction from bullying people’s kids, bullying people for how they look. This isn’t even an unhealed wound problem or a first time living thingy, that’s a fucking choice.

A deliberate, very conscious, ‘this is in my to do list for today’ choice. Idk. Cruelty gives you pleasure? That you announce proudly on the internet? And people agree with you?

Ama tungekuwa tu lions basi?

And we’ll say the very famous, “Take that as a learning experience” and “Everything is a win when the goal is to experience” That is true to some extent, but do y’all really think that we were brought to this earth to just learn the arts. The art of detachment, the art of letting go, the art of loving and being loved, the art of forgiving yourself for enduring whatever, the art of forgiving your inner child, hizi arts ata zimekuwa mingi sana, also, I’m pretty sure I’d have learnt all that where they keep unknown babies na story iishie hapo.

Bottomline, normalize kindness, normalize working on yourselves, so that you don’t end up bruising other people. If you aren’t capable of that, might I suggest studying other planets which can be inhabitable by humans and move there.

Please and Thankyou.

love, Carol <3

You fall in love with a poor guy, okay cool, you fall in love with a rich guy, okay, good for you, you fall in love with someone with mummy issues because you want to work your motherly instincts because you choose to be childfree (quite ironic, don’t you think) fine. You fall in love with a psychopath who is good in bed and you get to practice being a therapist by day and a freak at night, whatever works for you darling. Now what I don’t understand is, of all the people you can love in this world… Tell me, how bored are you, that you take your time, to fall in love with a married man?

Subscribe now

And the thing is, they will be honest. Well partly honest. They will look you straight in the eye and say,

“I’m married, but I’m going to leave my wife because I’m not happy”

Wow. The same wife who prepared your clothes so that you look this good, packed you lunch so you do not stay hungry, and kissed you goodbye for being a provider and protector. Same wife you’re doing DIY projects with on weekends, you post about it, and we can tell y’all are a little too glowy and touchy so y’all clearly fucked. That same wife?

And you, a very beautiful girl who has started catching feelings, only hear the, “He’s not happy, he’s happy with me, I see him, truly.” Yeah guess who’s the biggest clown of this century?

My friend and I once asked a certain senior guy a question, which he answered in approximately 30 seconds. Seriously that was below expectations, I was expecting a 10 minute monologue. Anyway, he started saying, “You know I have a wife”

My mind went, “Okayyy, I don’t know how that relates to whatever it is we were discussing but sure whatever”

He continued, “But you know as a man..”

There it was.

“As a man, you need more than one wife and clearly you two fit the criteria” he continued.

My friend was so shocked, but all I did was laugh, and with all the shamelessness in my bones I threw the question, “Why do you think you need 3 women?”

He held my hand. Yeah, that was my cue to evacuate the premises immediately and never show my face for all eternity. (Nah, I’m being a little dramatic.) He answered saying,

“Si to fulfil my sexual desires”

“Yeah that’s why you have a wife” I said.

He then went on and on about how I’m thick, and my friend is petite so he just wants to sample and sample until he realizes what his type is because after all, life is short. He’s realizing his type while he’s been fucking and providing for his wife for 10 years. I was so speechless I've told myself countless times that in my next life, I will negociate so hard to come back as Maleficent or the Evil queen so that I can acting accordingly.

And then the audacity. There are those ones who even threaten you.

“I don’t care what you say, do or how much you avoid me. I will buy you a bouquet of flowers every week, I will buy you gifts every day, until you say yes”

Until I say yes to what?

“to having sex with me my love.”

It’s not even the sex man, it’s the, have you no respect for your partner? And soon enough after you give in, he’ll now start treating you like wife number 2/ trauma/problems dump. Unleash all his work, personal frustrations on you. You’re assaulted, you’re ignored, you’re insulted, and with your tiny little heart that already has feelings start fighting with everybody,

“But he loves me, his wife is the problem, it’s the wife who gave him chlamydia”

How funny.

Kwanza these overly religious men, ogopa. They’ll be singing hallelujah in church and sending you nudes in the evening asking you how you want it.

Na wewe how do you want it?

You want it deep. You want your nails digging his back. You want him to hit it from behind, then again you get disappointed because you were expecting tarzan.

Tarzan na akona miaka 65? If anything it should give Lord Danbury, I guess.

Some guy left his wife because he had met his one true love. Kicked the wife out. Girlfriend moved in. Mapenzi tight ka kifuniko ya gas or whatever it is Diana B said. Then one night, he prayed to God. The heavens opened and the holy spirit descended upon him and told him, “Go back to your wife” Manz kicked the girlfriend out, brought the wife back in. Barely two weeks later, he’s telling the now ex girlfriend how much he misses her, and he’s not happy in his marriage, it’s just that he was listening to the voice of God.

He’s still a what? A liar. Also, if I was the one being told that bullshit I’d have lots of questions. Like, what’d he sound like? Was the voice giving robot, ai, chipmunk, or was it the voice in your head telling you to go back because your wife has started earning money and people hate you now?

And with all the feelings in her heart, she went on her knees, prayed to the same God, that,

“Aki please bring back my man, why would you take him back to the very place where he’s unhappy. Let us be together aki.”

This is your sign to stop watching soap operas. A movie you saw in 2015 that a happily married man pursues another woman then falls out of love with the wife and falls in love with the other woman and they start having back and forths and so on, and he’s gotten her pregnant and now things are complicated. That shouldn’t be your relationship goals.

Don't get pregnant aki. Fall in love if you want, just don’t get pregnant. Utatoa bubbles na huyo cocofelon wako.

Speaking of soap operas, I was the day before yesterday old when I saw somewhere that these 7.30pm films are basically copy pasted from Mexican soap operas. That explains why a babe got married to the guy who took her in because she was poor, and her daughter ends up marrying his son. What was the point? What was the plot? What in the name of incest? Can people just sit down, be creative enough to write something bomb, wtf was that?

And you see, sometimes babes get involved with such kind of people for financial reasons purely. And that works until they realize that they can always get another woman who’ll be begging for their time, attention and money. And sometimes even money leaves the equation, it’s suddenly, “No, when are you going to realize that it’s not even the money, I am madly in love with you, and you’re treating me like shit”

Baby what did you expect. He’s married with three kids and is building a home for his wife, of course he doesn’t have time for you.

In daddy’s girl’s voice, “But now when things have gone to you mulama, you want to come to me.”

Shift often goes mulama when you realize you’re heartbroken and are going insane, and you decide to go to the wife as a woman. Well, sometimes, the wife ends up getting angry as well, and you end up feeling good about yourself, and that just ends there. Majority of the times the wife ends up insulting you and you end up feeling like shit. Now, with the brain that was given to you by the almighty, can I hear an Amen? even after being insulted you still insist on talking to both or either of them.

Whyyy? Whyyy? Why between my interview you’re passing around?

Sorry, wrong phrase.

Ati, “Look me in the eye and promise me you’ll leave her and we’ll be a happy family together.”

He’ll look at you and ask you, “And who’s going to take care of my other kids” And tell you to get out of his car. Eventually them kids are gonna meet when he dies. And some of y’all are going to say that they shouldn’t because they were abandoned. They should. Before they meet and fall in love and get kids and realize that they’re siblings.

What an awkward situation to be in. Sasa siblings wakizaa watoto wawili si ni cousins ama?

Anyway, that’s a y’all’s problem.

I’m not going to say don’t date married people. No, in fact enjoy, laugh, get the gifts, or whatever special things you think they’ll give you. Bora tu ujue at the end of the day kichapo ni ile ile. Utalia hadi uende therapy mtoto mdogo. But just do whatever y’all want, as long as y’all don’t get pregnant. Ju manze hatutakuhurumia. We will judge you vibaya sana.

SONG OF THE DAY,

xx

Caroline <3

Subscribe now

I have disliked my face for the last two weeks or so. Simply because I am so expressive, you can basically just read me. A couple of people have pointed out that lately I've had sad eyes. I don't know what they're talking about because every time I look in the mirror, all I see is a crooked eyebrow that needs fixing, and a long eyelash I've been trying to pluck before it makes me blind but I can't seem to get it. I've been asked, "Why do you smile even when you're not okay?” Maybe I'm just happy to see you. Muah. But, I go on and on and on about how multiple emotions and feelings can exist simultaneously. Happiness and sadness. Love and fear. Love and space. Happiness and fear. Rage and whimsy. Explaining this is quite exhausting, I have a ready to send link to avoid unnecessary conversations.

One night, I was up at 3am. I was sort of waiting for the chickens to wake up and start asking themselves, “what is this world aki.” Start screaming and I'd scream with them, but I didn't have the energy. Then it hit me that damn, I actually am sad. Not hurt, not angry, not bitter, just sad.

I've apologized five times, in a 2minute voice message I sent to my friend. One of the few people I've not been avoiding or ignoring altogether. I kept saying sorry because I realized I've been rambling and I just couldn't express myself clearly. Every time I fail to express myself clearly, I get so fed up with myself.

Like, what are you saying Caroline?

I've avoided most of my friends, because God forbid someone woishes me. God forbid I hear a, "you can't keep a gangster down for long" I will just burst into tears. I'd like to think that they understand though. But that's only because I’ve texted after ignoring the calls. “sijachizi, I'm okay I'm just sad. Nitakutafuta usijali.” So that they don't assume I was abducted or killed. Coz imagine tu I get back online nijipate kwa status ati, "Anyone who sees her kindly call" Ama, "We're contributing for the send off of our friend” Yoh yoh yoh yoh yohh. Tuliaa.

Seriously though, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't answer your calls right now. I'm sorry I can't offer emotional support at the moment. I'm sorry my mind cannot think of any jokes or insane stories to laugh our way out of this. I'm sorry that I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me. Just allow me to feel sad.

“Hi, how are you? What are you up to?”

Well, I was in the middle of counting 100 to 1. Naming what I can see, touch and smell, so I'm actually quite busy…

Wouldn't it have been easier if I felt an easier emotion? Let's say anger. I'd rant my way out of this. Or cardio my way out of it, but the thing about sadness is that it's there. It's just there. When you take a shit. When you take a shower, when you sleep. It lingers. Like a fart. Or a cloud. A dark cloud

Life after 8.4.4 has been pretty interesting so far. Not in such good way. I mean the quarter of the year is almost done, and I'm what? Stuck. Burnt out. Exhausted. Broke. Sad. The pressure.

Oh dear God have you zero mercy?

We're shifting, coz I can feel my eyes watering up kidogo

I was at the supermarket a while back and I saw Santa Lucia spaghetti and I remembered the illuminati cds that were circulating back then. Now, if that person isn't a millionaire, I'm gonna have to look for them and have them join Just Ivy Africa's Movers society, where they will explain to us in detail, what they did with all ze money. Because, the heck, Spaghetti was just chilling. Umbrella by Rihanna was just umbrellaing. But anyway, they all made money so a win is a win.

Some emotions are so embarrassing Gaiii. But then ata mimi, kwani what did I expect? I feel deeply and that includes the not so comfortable emotions. So uum…I cried.

I cried in the middle of the night when the noise outside had died down and everybody had gone home. I cried when I watched Chadwick Boseman's edits on TikTok. As if the edits weren't enough I rewatched the two movies and cried again. I cried when listening to how Tessa Thompson speaks about Michael B Jordan. (I'm shipping them so hard omg). I cried when I looked at my body lotion, the one I usually buy was out of stock so I opted for another one. I cried when I couldn't get out of bed one Saturday, all I wanted to do was feel. Yesterday I was listening to Westlife on repeat. And wah, Unbreakable just had me crying. What made them write that masterpiece.

This sadness might be the quiet kind, but it heavy as hell.

Imagine explaining to my mom that I'm crying because of Black Panther. She'd take me to a priest and have them exorcise some imaginary demons. Or she'd think I'm actually going insane.

Switching again,

There's a little excitement inside of me, my friend just sent me an invitation card for her ngasya. Like yaay.

And by the way, if Persephone can be the queen of underworld and Greek Goddess of spring, I can feel multiple emotions at once.

Proceeding.

I have ironically been very responsive to serious energy. I'm assuming that's why I've been talking to specific people, because they don't play. My friend even gave me a step by step. After listening to my ramblings, with all the love and care in his heart. Must've read my mind, I'm always asking for manuals to random stuff, like the one they should have handed me when I started kindergarten on how to deal with life stuff.

I've become a little too comfortable in silence. The few times I've been around people, we've hang out in silence. I can eat, a little. I can drink, a little as well, but I just want to lie down, heavy blanket on me and then I just feel.

God, where's my spark? My face is so dull. Isn't it unethical to take away something that makes someone them? Oh my, I should take a break, right?

Okay now I'm questioning whether I'm being hard on myself. But um, it's the circle of life? No, we use that in death situations.

Anyway,

‎I put my headphones in, close my eyes and in my mind I'm dancing under the weight of the clouds. And I think to myself that I will see the sun. I must be patient. I must have faith in the seeds that are planted in the snow. I must hold on and I must let go. (I got this from a music video, I don't remember which one)

Because you know what, the cold doesn't last my darling, it only teaches the heart how to burn.

But now, right now, I'm sad. Damn I am sad. And that's okay.

TLDR; Bora sijadedi

xoxo, Carol <3

Subscribe now

Take 1.

Every day I make some time to do absolutely nothing. I sit with my thoughts, let my mind wander. While this is quite healthy because I get to know myself better and confront my demons, sometimes my thoughts take very interesting turns. This time, I remembered something my friend once asked me. "Would life be much easier if we were octopuses?" In case you're wondering, yes, she's the kind that asks, "Would you still like me if I was a worm?" In her defense though, this time zilikuwa zimeshika.

I unleashed my inner Sheldon Cooper, and just did some reading (I have too much time in my hands) First, those creatures have three hearts, Too much emotions and stuff for one person, and the two hearts stop beating when they swim so they prefer to crawl. Lowkey, I relate, because I cannot swim to save my life. "Jiachilie utafloat" No thank you, Mr Liar.

Anyway msiitikie niwadanganye, mjifunze kuswim!

And their lifespan, is basically just grow up, have sex, manz dies, get kids, die. Bitch wtf, life wouldn't be easier if we were octopuses. I would run away from you if you were a worm, because are you like a millipede or a tapeworm? and if you were a chicken, I'd eat you. I still love you though

Take 2.

Some of these relationships y'all are in, are genuinely disturbing, and quite scary.

What do you mean ati your husband left you, got another babe, decided that soft launching isn't enough, goes to the studio, msanii nini nini, then when driving with the new babe he goes like, "I prayed to God last night and he told me to go back to my wife" Gets back with the wife and the wife is the one who addresses the separation. Ati, "He had found new love, but I'm okay with that"

Okay with what mother Teresa? The fact that your man was fucking another woman last night. The fact that he told the babe all your secrets. And the babe told us all your secrets. No genuinely I'm concerned.

Some of y'all are dating serial killers. Comfortably. Willingly. If someone told me something like, "Nitakuua" Ama, "Nitakuacha kwa msitu usiku and nobody's gonna hear you." I'd believe them, and run for my life because I love me a lot. And maybe it's the dark romance movies and novels people read. But can we just let fiction remain, I don't know...fiction? Trying to recreate it in reality is almost killing y'all.

Some of y'all are dating people who are giving mysterious vibes, whole time they are drug traffickers. Mmetulia tu hivi, someone knocks and you're both arrested. Some people are dating therapists to get free therapy. "Fix me daddy" (heard that on tiktok, I almost died) Some of y'all get dressed to go out on dates and ask for rent. It's too much. Seek help!

Take 3

I have been bitching and complaining about how bored I am to my brother, and all he keeps telling me is, "but you should be grateful that your life is slow right now" But that's not the thing, life being slow doesn't bother me at all.

I decided to take a break from instragram because why is there a quote every two scrolls that just speaks to me. The other day I came across one that said, "Find someone that looks at you the way they look at bourbon biscuits.” All I could think about the whole day was the Manji chocolate cream bourbon biscuits I had left at home. Did somebody randomly find them in my room and helped themselves. No, worse, where did I leave them? Naah, I should buy the whole carton instead? And have everybody tell me, "aaiii your room smells like diabetes."

I saw a note here that says, "I don't know why y'all shit on sugar that much, who was with you during tough times, brocolli?" Sa mmenyamaza?

Also that was just my way of saying, "si you send me money" But he didn't get the hint. Aren't older siblings supposed to be mind readers??

Take 4

A lot of y'all complicate things. Things aren't that complicated. "I saw you in town and wanted to say hi" Okay my immediate answer would have been, "Why didn't you?" but I think saying nothing is a good call, because I'd think you're trying to distract me and someone else would come from nowhere and kidnap me, take me to an old warehouse where they'd harvest my kidneys or worse, my tits, or even my ass, which has been looking a little too good lately. Clock ittt.

That aside though, If you wanted to call someone because you wanted to talk to them, That's what you would have done. If you wanted to say hi, or respond to a text they sent one week ago that you just remembered right now, that's what you would have done. But you didn't. How do you expect somebody to believe something that you wanted to do something, when you ain't done shit? the helly!

Human connection requires intiative, effort, action. Se umeketi hapo ukido? It's giving those people who pray day and night for God to give them money when they're doing nothing about it. Anyway, hiyo ni mambo yenu.

Take 5

Sina mengi ya kusema will never apply to me. Nina mengi ya kusema, nina mengi ya kuuliza. Nena nami. Doesn't matter if you tell me about your forehead, whether you get it from your mom's side or your dad's side, or you tell me about work. Trust me, I'll have questions and comments for that.

And while I still have your attention you know you can pay me to make you laugh right. (Wink wink)

I hope y'all are having an amazing day.

Until next time,

Carolinaaa <3

Yesterday I reconnected with my avoidant best friend. First time in months and when he answered the call, first thing he did was laugh at my misery for a solid 5 minutes. Honestly I’d have started crying if he didn’t have that beautiful evil laugh I’ve been trying to study for months so that I can perfect my Ursula evil laugh. And I realized throughout that 1hour call, a lot of the things we kept saying are just tiny details we’ve revealed before or noticed and you wouldn’t think somebody would remember, like ever.

“When do you sleep, how is your sleep schedule still fucked?” Yeah, because seriously though, when do I sleep? Nowadays there’s a lot to do, my sleep window is only 4 hours or 4.5 hours. My cortisol levels are a little spiked, how I manage to still smile at people? Well, I decided to adopt a line from my favorite sitcom, “You cannot upset a professional bitch like myself” And I live by it

“Stay dangerous” This phrase was born when we were both going through shit, and all we could do was laugh and say, “don’t be a sweetheart, stay dangerous” He has actually managed to stay dangerous, so, good for him.

“You’re a genius who happens to be the biggest joker” BALANCE. There’s only a few people who are familiar with the nerdy side of me. The side that keeps me up at night digging archives and research papers for random ass topics, gets my information and call them to do a whole ass monologue on what I found out. If I have time, I’ll even create a document for them to read during their free time.

Yesterday we ended up discussing a book called “the book of the 5 rings” (a random ass book about a Japanese Samurai called Miyamoto Musashi about, ‘control your mind before it controls you’ and other things) we ended up discussing a presentation which I was going to talk to a certain someone about (I Still will) He asked me to tell him what the hell ISTGUH is so he can stop floating at work, I gave the latest tea because I always have time to be chronically online, I don’t understand how that’s possible. We talked politics. We did a tiny crossword puzzle. Talking about some, “I was doing this crossword yesterday and 7across got me thinking about calling you.”

Bottomline, it’s the little things that we know about people we care about

It’s the way I know if I called this avoidant friend of mine today, he’d probably not answer, and I wouldn’t get mad because love and space can coexist. Also I’ll be sleepy as hell. It’s the way you know someone is about to cry because their voice just broke. It’s the way you remember someone told you they get a ride home in a mazda axela, or how someone said they’re scared to cross the road because they once witnessed an accident. It is how remember the kind of chocolate they said they like, or that they told you they had a bad day at work. It’s knowing how passionate someone is about what they do, you may not understand why, or what it is exactly they do but you know a few lines from what they have told you.

It’s the way you rush to research something that someone told you, where they work, what they do, that nice restaurant they like. It’s remembering what someone wore the first time you met, the things you talked about. It’s knowing people and liking them as the human being they are (tits, testicles, personality and all)

It’s the way you know you and your best friend are long overdue for a cocktail sesh till you lose count and start ranting, and asking the bartender how certain drinks are made. It’s how I’ll call my friend and I laugh my tears away. (I laugh and cry at the same time. It’s a coping mechanism, it works, that’s all I need to know). It’s the way I’ll say, “But it’s okay.” And he’ll say, “no it’s not” And I’ll say, “you’re right,” and we’ll laugh like Cardi B.

It’s the general stuff people know about you, how you light up rooms you walk into, how you talk your way into opportunities, how you make everybody laugh, and how you slap knowledge and sense into people’s minds, how you remain quiet when you’re annoyed.

It’s how they call you out on your shit, because uum, “How dare you forget who you are? How dare you say something like that?” And things go on. It’s showing up for those who you care about unapologetically, fearlessly and everything. It’s fighting for those you care about (just don’t do crazy shit aki)

We happen to be the most complex creatures in our ecosystem, It takes a genius to study the universe, but it takes a specific kind of magic to study a human being. To map out their layers, their fears, their schedules, and their weird little habits, their stories. We are all just walking, talking data points waiting for someone curious enough to read us. It's not optional biology, it's basic cultural ecology. Add that to the list.

At the end of the day, Stay dangerous.

Subscribe now

In conclusion, Happy Birthday to my awesome friend. Today would’ve been his birthday, if he wasn’t born in July.

Subscribe now

Let me give y’all a little unserious backstory.

When I was 12 my grandpa gifted me a cow. Like, I wasn’t allowed to own a cat or a dog, but I’m allowed to own a cow? okay. I was quite excited because either way it was a win for me. I could either sell my pet and get some cash, or, I could have it slaughtered and eat it all by myself. Yes, I’m a foodie, like my first pet. He taught me how to milk, I wasn’t really into that. All I got from all those traumatizing bonding moments was to appreciate a nice set of udders? Tits? Eh? whatever.

I have been rewatching 2 Broke girls.

Why? Because I’m broke like Caroline Channing?

Lowkey, yes. Send me money y’all.

In one of the epiodes, she tells Max, “Y’all big boobied girls always stick together” And you know what, heck yes. I’ll stand in Nairobi CBD, clutch my tote bag and tell a babe, “You look amazing girl” And we’ll shake our tits, or ass, or something. Because why not.

I never really realized that I had big boobs until one of my friends pointed it out. We were at a sleepover, and she blurted,

“Damn ukona matiti kubwa. I always thought mine were bigger, ebu see.” And we started comparing the sizes and the weight. And all I could say was damn because mine were much much heavier.

I've heard that comment a lot of times and it doesn't shock me anymore.

It's so hard to stay humble when y'all compliment me like that, coz YAASS!

Sometimes, it’s really hard to be a big breasted woman. Because most people's perspectives are that breasts are gorgeous when they are held by a bra. When we decide to free the titties is when y’all start complaining, and making dumbass comments.

“Why would you have hanging breasts when you’re so young,”

“you must’ve aborted a baby,”

“you must be a whore or something, “

“you just didn't start wearing bras early enough”

“eeww.”

No.

Am I supposed to walk around with an anatomy book, so that I teach the ignorant people, how breasts naturally look like?

Do I drag my entire family just to teach people about genetics?

Or, do I just tase them?

Seriously though, do people expect us to do some sort of anti gravity thingy on the breasts to make them happy?

“Why would you wear crop tops with a huge chest like that.”

Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I feel hot, and comfortable.

“Why would you let people see you like that?”

Which people? Are they a registered voter? Why are they that idle?

Kwanza it’s so hard to shop for a big breasted woman. Either the clothes are too small, or they’re too big, or they are ugly. It takes a lot of work to find something comfortable, especially if you’re a thrifter like me. And you feel like, I should dress the way you want, you fucking imbecile?

The world is unfair to women, it is even more unfair to big breasted women and thick women in general. Even in workplaces. One glance at you, and they’ll have labelled you a whore, or someone who’s done surgery, or someone who has 7 children, or someone who's obese which doesn’t align with whatever they are looking for.

I once visited an organization where babes could wear shorts and skirts that show some thigh, but if you show a little boob, the tiniest, Suddenly it’s HR violation. Suddenly there’s a whole dress code document that you didn't even know existed, being pulled and updated

There are set standards, where thick women have to be perfectly thick. I’m talking Megan thee Stallion thick. Body goals type shit. A certain size for ass, breasts, waist, and thighs, and if you happen to miss one category, people find it bizzare. I see it on tiktok all the time when Online Bestie posts and she’s looking fire, there’s always one parasite who has something weird and insensitive to say about her body. It be your own gender as well. Gaiii!!

Tf people are dealing with serious problems. Wars, depression, I have not eaten lunch I feel like I'm dying and y'all think it's okay to dictate how a woman should look like.

I know of someone who broke up with his girlfriend because she was too thick. It wasn't problem wakiwa talking stage but about 7months later he just pulled a,

“I like mine malnourished”

Apana aki. Imetosha fr, imetosha.

Anyway people will always people, mimi I love my body, nobody can tell me shit. I've said this before, On most days I look like freaking Halle Bailey, killer tits, invisible ass (the ass thing is sort of changing though) and an amazing personality. And let's not forget I'm smart as hell.

Muah!

Enjoy ze weekend.

Love,

Carorinaaa (all I can hear is carorina nitakupereka sakahora, lmao)

Subscribe now

Men like sucking tits too. I don’t know whether it relaxes them or they just like it coz it pleasures the babes. I love my tits, it’s just that I can’t reach them, I don’t have the neck of a giraffe, duh. So really, the greatest investment might just be a female cow.

One of my friends called me last night to rant and all, and after exploring very different solutions, I popped the question,

“Have you ever thought of buying a cow? maybe two?”

The silence was so loud I could read whatever was running through his mind, “Unajua hukuangi sawa?” (Answer: Eeeh najuanga)

“I just think you need a cow’s udder for when you’re stressed out,” I pointed out. Bonus points he gets good milk and healthy stresses that deviate his mind from toxic life stresses. Things like, is my cow fed? why is it mooing in the middle of the night? Who impregnated my cow, has it been hoeing around? Mnanielewa?

Even supermarkets agree with me. Naivas at Westside mall Nakuru has a big ass cow in the dairy section (not a real one) to (obviously) lie that the dairy products are natural, and it also screams, “All you need is a cow’s udder”

Now this was actually supposed to be a post about friendship, how we ended up here, I do not know, but let’s see where this takes us (I’m always sounding like y’alls situationships damn!)

It was my friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago. Let’s call her Layla coz that’s what she requested. Layla and I are on the hunt for Henry Ole Kulet so that he can write a Blossoms of the Savannah sequel about us. Because if what he wants is theme of determination, I don’t see anything that screams determination than two girls who happen to be addicted to crashouts and are trying to stop and be career women at the same time in this economy.

But Layla gets weak, we can’t blame her, it happens, it’s part of the human experience, so we had to seek creative ways to make sure we stick to the script. Those who know me personally know my daily mantra (which i just made up one minute ago) “For you to get and be what you want, you have got to be insanely insane,” so here’s a couple of things we did;

Buckle up!

Visited a cemetery.

Looking back, shit could’ve gone south very fast, but we are just impulsive babes. If only we were rich, we’d have gone jewelry shopping instead. I look at Layla and she raises her right hand hand saying,

“I swear on this random ass— sorry, I swear on Ann 2003-2012’s grave from dust we came to dust we shall return RIP (I rolled my eyes coz what?) I shall not crashout this year, if I do, you’re allowed to haunt me for 3days”

We didn’t really care whether it was going to work or not, all we knew is that we scared of dead people so yup, that was that. Fear is one heck of an accountability partner

Brewed

Brewed coffee?

Excuse me who do you think I am? Hell no? Brewed fucking ratish.

“Kuja na gilbeys nitaleta chaser”

God knows I was about to embark on a brewing mission. In this world you need to be skilled in something so that if everything else goes wrong, you have something to fall back on. This is not the only skill I have btw, msikatae kunipea kazi aki. Ni jokes.

Ni vizuri kujitetea btw.

Was it successful? Heck yeah. Did we have fun? Absolutely. Will i do that again? Probably after 3years, I’m just a girl.

Tree negociations /smart lingo.

Honestly, I’m not sure who came up with this one because where the heck were we going to get a tree. A park? We didn’t have time to go to a park.

But we did have time to visit one of our friends who is a plant mom, she also happens to be a cat mom by the way. Anything to not be an actual human mom for her I guess. She’s also a baker, a baddie, what isn’t she? There was a teensy tiny problem when we got there, the plants were fake.

“Okay so let me get this straight,” I paused for a minute because I didn’t want to sound like an inconsiderate bitch, “You’re a plant mom, to a non living thing”

“Yeah, my other 2babies died so I had to do something.” She responded

“Girl, the whole point was to make tree negotiations” Layla said

“I have 3 so y’all are good” she responded, wondering where the problem was. Ju tulikuwa tunataka tu miti, na akona tatu.

“But they’re pink!” I exclaimed.

Anyway, nothing is impossible for 3 determined babes, we did what we had to do, had edibles and reconnected with the pink trees using smart lingo, talking about some,

Me: My HPA axis has been overstimulated for two days now, that’s over now as I breathe life onto this leaafyyy feather???”

Layla: Respect the process you dedicious hater. (She stands up yelling at a weird looking…whatever that was.)

Me: Zimeshika ta gui

Plant mom: Huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Safe to say it worked though

You’re probably wondering what the point of this story is. I know I was when a couple of years ago my dad was telling me good brand liquors that I should try out when I get to uni.

Also I may have forgotten what the point was. Nikama bado zimeshika. Waah, Waliniacha nikiwa paralysed.

Maybe,

• life is for the living, be insane when you’re with your tribe. If you perish you perish. Everything will be alright. Also, y’all are too hard on yourself, mmejam tu sana huku nje akii. Anyway, don’t forget that y’all can pay me to entertain you, stop being so damn sad all the time.

• Happy belated birthday to my dearest Layla, You’re awesome, you’re amazing, I love you!

And before I forget,

WANTAM!!!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I hope y’all are doing well. Enjoy your Weekend.

Until Next Time,

Love,

Insane Career woman,

Carolinaaaa <3

I say fuck you to that sentiment, because I don’t think its fair at all to be broken. Last night nighted for longer than I expected it to. I’ve never been so happy to see the sun rise.

It felt like Celine Dion’s “A new day has come.”

(Not me randomly dropping my playlist)

Subscribe now

I have big feelings. I know that. I hate that. I hate that I have to sit through that stinky shitty feeling. I hate that my eyes will randomly start watering up when somebody asks, “what’s wrong.” And that I’ll say no to my friends wanting to come over and hang out with me.

I hate how everything irritates me in that moment, like where’d all these mosquitoes come from? Why did the rejection email choose today? why isn’t the shower working today? pedi hapatikani, I cannot even drink my sorrows away, things don’t always go well down that road. Every small inconvenience feels personal.

Ama ni mimi?

My brother said to me that life is a narcissist. And after tossing and turning and fighting mosquitoes, thoughts and tears at 3a.m, I kinda get it. Life really does have this way of making everything about itself. It throws curveballs, heartbreaks, and awkward moments straight at you, often at the exact worst possible time.

The universe sets up situations that are so ironic, so absurd, or just so tragically funny, that you almost have to laugh, even when it hurts. It’s life’s way of shrugging and saying, “I don’t give the slightest fuck about your plans, your timing, or your feelings. But hey, you can either cry or laugh.”

And honestly? Sometimes, laughing is the only sane response.

You’ve got to look at the positive side though, even though you’re hurt. Like, this morning I watched Abbott Elementary for the fifteenth time, and Ava has got me laughing throughout like the icon she is. You even get to learn more about yourself, like I came to realize that the same way I have different laughs, I also have different cries. Each one with a different soundtrack. Talking about some, “the last time niliskia hii kilio ilikuwa 2022.”

And the little things, the cat memes about relationships or the guy who does the, “King Julien as a driving instructor” content. Different time zones. Life sneaks in these tiny absurd joys to remind you that it’ll be alright.

Pain has a rhythm, I think. (insert jumping jacks) Sometimes quiet, sometimes loud. Regardless, we show up wholeheartedly and we move.

At the end of the day, It’ll be Alright. Probably messy, but alright nonetheless.

DEAR JESUS, CC ALL: Krishna, Zeus, Buddha, Beyonce, Allah, Jehovah Witness, mountain gods, rain gods, Even Joseph Kamaru and my ancestors.

Until next time,

Bye

Caroline the Scientist <3

Take 1

Normally, you’d never find me awake during masaa za wachawi. I don’t even get up to pee. I take my sleep very seriously.

Last night though, I had trouble sleeping. ended up getting up and having a solo concert, and now I miss my friend who we once did kareoke night with. I was the one singing and he just lied to me that I could pull off a singing career. Talking about Beyonce whoo? Ariana whooo? My only regret was not singing God is a woman, that would have had us being kicked out of the building.

It wasn’t all bad though. I ended up overhearing an argument between two married people. The wife was scolding the husband for following her around to confirm whether she was going to get fucked yet she doesn’t give a fuck when he goes and fucks other women.

Kwani mnapitia mambo yepi haya kwenye ndoa?

They eventually concluded the argument with an agreement.

“Kaa mbali na mimi na my new man”

Take 2

A few days ago I sat next to a baby that most people would probably assume is mine. Her cheeks were as chubby as mine, if not more. Everybody likes pointing out how big my cheeks are.

I always follow that up with a question,

“Which ones?”

In hopes that the 30 squats I did in September 2025 finally did their thing. Honestly though, I think everyone exaggerates when it comes to my cheeks.

Wdym ati “niliona dem anakukaa tao aki she had like big mashavus, soo cute.”

On my graduation day my mom told me that she couldn’t recognize me because of my makeup (it’s poor eyesight i just know it) Then she added, “I looked at your cheeks, they were big and red and all and immediately, I recognized you.”

I’m even being used as a paternity test. “Gaii, aki your son anafanana Caro kabisa, the cheeks, huyu ata huhitaji DNA, ni wakoo” Like yoh.

Alsoo, I came to realize that the baby in the matatu was actually a boy in a pink beanie.

Subscribe now

Take 3

I’ve been craving some chocolate for a while now so naturally, I decided to get chicken instead. (Don’t ask me to explain the logic)

This year I decided that I’ll speak good swahili nini nini, so I was sort of confused on whether to walk in and say, “Nipe matiti tatu” or, “nipe vifua tatu” but I wasn’t ready for the weird looks they’d give me so I resulted to ask, “nipee mapaja tatu” but wouldn’t they think that I want the thighs of some 3 different women?

Anyway, I checked my mpesa balance, sighd and went back home. We’ll try that another time.

Take 4

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think we all need to scream from time to time, ama???

Take 5

Happy New Week. Happy Valentines week. I hope y’all are having a good day.

Love,

Carol <3

Subscribe now

Most days I am usually busy. Some days I’m burning calories at my brother’s place and doing jumping jacks for them throughout the day while telling them to find love. (They are happily married by the way) Some days I’m trying on bodysuits to see whether I can pull off being a swimsuit model. Spoiler, yes I can. Other days I do my own projects. Just finished a whole ass data analysis on public cancer datasets. And other days like today, I’m just like, waah, sa nitado?

Part of me is contemplating whether I should add an additional email to the applications I’ve made. Maybe this time I’ll sound convincing enough.

Aki Hire me woishe, I promise to behave as long as y’all pay me. You need me, can’t you see? Look no further, I’m all you need.

But that will have me looking desperate, which is something they don’t want to see, at least that’s what some career expert on tiktok said. Some other self appointed expert has also been pointing out what is wrong with my strategies (They don’t know me). Lie on your cv, don’t lie on your cv, look good during your interview, don’t look too good, they’ll say you don’t need the job or you’re trying to seduce your way in. Do another course, but why would you do that.

However, the outcome is the same old,

We regret to inform you…

We decided to proceed with another candidate…

Yoh, Okay!

Maybe I should add another text to my brother telling him I need a job. He’ll tell me to relax and be patient. That’s what they all say. So, uum okay, are y’all gonna send me money as I relax and be patient?

Maybe I should call my mom and complain once more about how my laptop is missing the letter M. It’s giving the ghetto. “Welcome to adulthood,” she said. Please get me a new laptop then welcome me to adulthood afterwards, I’ll be ready.

Woishe die for me?

Who said that? We’re trying to get a job!

Anyway, my brother has hired me to ask his wife to be his valentine so here it goes.

“Will you be my Valendine? issa yes or no answerrr.

Update: We didn’t discuss the rates so I may have gotten ghosted. Things y’all do to upcoming artists.

Anyway, I know I’ll get a job, like fr, don’t play with me

Muah!

Carol <3

We even see it in animations. I mean Dr Doofenshmirtz is shocked every single day when Perry shows up. Like sir, this is a damn routine. At some point you’d think he’d anticipate it.

Moral of the story?

Kaa chonjo. Kuna mtu anapanga kukumaliza.

Subscribe now

We tasted freedom some time in 2021. The drugs, fornication, dating nini nini. And please, don’t sit there pretending you didn’t enjoy it. How else were you supposed to remain sane in school?

There was this couple we used to envy since first year, just because the guy used to bring the babe to class and kiss her at the door. Full PDA. Get a room or something mister. Honestly though, I don’t know why that was such a big deal. I can do that right now and y’all won’t feel shit.

We thought that the guy schooled there as well. Turns out he didn’t and he was much much muuch older than we expected.

So naturally, the question that came,

Where did this man live?

Because the girl stayed in the school hostels with two roommates. Apparently they all stayed together, as a happy family of four. This sounded okay to me until I started thinking, sometime in the middle of the night when the sexual urges struck, they’d just, do it right there

Me: Chill, but si ulikuwa unalala bed ya juu?

Her: Eeeeh, we used to do it imagine.

Me: And what about your roommates?

Her: Hawakuwa wanaskia anything.

Girl, unless you were being suffocated by his ass, Idk how that was going on, kama unakuwanga loud tukienact scenes za… (cough, wink, twirl, twerk, whine, shakira shakira)

Her: But it used to work. Ama tunaenda kwa msitu

Me: USIKU?

Her: Ziii, mchana.

Me: Yeah, I’m done asking questions babe.

Eventually, the girl had to move out, and finally the guy could move in with the love of his life. This is where things got serious. They had to discuss how they’d leave together, and as the self appointed head of the family, he laid down the law,

COHABITING RULES,

By manznothot

• Babe pays 100% or the rent and covers shopping for food, clothes.

• Babe pays my bills, like pool, PS, drinks with the boys, etc

• Babe comes home immediately after class. If not, you better be ready to explain yourself, or I’ll punish you

• Sex everyday. Afterall I’m unemployed so that’s how i’ll burn calories. Also, if we don’t fuck whenever I want, I cheat.

• Babe doesn’t wear revealing clothes, no crop tops, no shorts. Don’t throw them away, fold them nicely and I’ll give them to my sister.

If your brain did not short circuit after rule number 1, then rule number two should have taken you out. COMPLETELY.

She agreed.

One time though, she requested if he could cover that month’s shopping because he had some money and was met with a slap.

Another time she caught him with a girl on her bed and he said that hampei enough.

Another time this guy told the babe’s friends that he was hitting on another girl but felt bad because he’s loyal and pulled back because he loved his babe.

Another time she was beaten up because we took a class photo and she was standing next to a guy.

Another time the guy called her friends and told them they are brainwashing her and they should stay away from her.

The thing with me is I’m very shameless. I asked the guy whether he thinks the babe is that stupid to be brainwashed.

Me: So you really think your babe is stupid ndio nimbrainwash.

Him: (Angrily) Yeye ni mjinga, she’s the most stupid and useless woman I’ve been with.

Me: Namhurumia sana.

Him: I am teaching her responsibility, leadership, submission, growth. And y’all are standing in the way of that.

Me: Mambo yenu hayo, bye.

Now, what made me angry was how the girl was just smiling through all this. Was she just hiding her pain or something? Really, I don’t know how she was able to hold it together, especially with the added trauma of the man spending 45 minutes in the toilet and leaving behind a smell that suggested unresolved childhood issues.

On that note, buy air fresheners, and flush the toilet after use. I thought this was common knowledge but apparently it isn’t.

What makes me think that the girl was insane was the fact that she used to get baby fever randomly and buy baby clothes, baby shoes, in preparation of her future baby. Sometimes she’d even go try and make the baby after buying the clothes.

Went something like, “babe nikupate kwa bed ukiwa umeiweka joto”

Whyyy would she want to get pregnant for a guy who’s treating her like shit? Whyy would she settle for that. Why the helly?

Smh.

Eventually she left. 4 years later. She was on the verge of death, The guy threw her against the wall after she refused having sex in front of his family who had come to visit them. What was even weirder was that the family actually scolded the babe, telling her that she wasn’t not being a good wife.

WIFE?

WIFE?

Where’s the ring? And even if there was a ring, I’d rather I cut the finger and stay fingerless.

Anyway, y’all just get yourself good people. The only instance you should feel pain in a relationship is when y’all are trying out bdsm. With consent. And communicate. Usidedi.

Please, and thank you.

Hope y’all are having a good day.

Love,

Carol <3

PS: I’m so in love with this song, and yes, specifically this version