Dr Maura Moynihan and I are facilitating a six month doula training & mentorship that begins in October. This is for new, seasoned and prospective doulas. You can learn more here. Subscribers get a special discount that you can find below.

Last week I brought my four-month-old son Callon to my best friend’s home birth as her unofficial doula bestie. I wore him in my carrier, and he slept most of the time. This mama has been my friend since the sixth grade, and the magic of this experience was beyond words! One day we will show the boys pictures and tell them the story of how they quite literally knew each other since birth. This week I also wrapped my 11-week prenatal class series with my baby worn on my chest for every weekly session. Crawling and longer wake windows are just around the corner, so I know this season won’t last much longer, but in the early months of having a newborn, it is surprisingly easy for me to show up for my baby and show up for the work I love as a doula. Bringing Callon to a birth got me thinking a lot about the balancing act of being a mother and being a birth worker. It goes without saying that being a mother on any career path is not for the faint of heart, but being a doula has its own unique considerations.

Over ten years ago, I became a birth doula fresh out of college at 22. I had just met the man who would become my future husband, and although meeting him sparked my maternal desire, we were still years away from having children. As a young, childless doula, I had some imposter syndrome when I started.

Who am I to help someone give birth when I have never done so myself? How could I support someone in pregnancy when I have never been pregnant? How am I supposed to help someone breastfeed when I can’t even fathom what that must feel like? Who would ever want to hire a doula who hasn’t given birth herself?

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They say “never meet your idols,” unless your idol is Dolly Parton, in which case she will far exceed any and all expectations you might have.

My friend Sandy introduced me to Dolly when I was living in Nashville for the summer in 2014. Sandy was Dolly’s long-time manager and GBF. He told her I was her BIGGEST fan, and she called me up and invited me to get lunch while I was in her town, because…southern hospitality.

She took me to a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. We talked about her spiritual practice, writing music in prayer before the sunrise in the cabin she grew up in. She told me she has warehouses full of the handmade gifts and letters fans had sent her over the years. She couldn’t bring herself to throw anything handmade away. It was clear she never took a single second of her stardom for granted.

I wish I could remember more about the conversation we had over enchiladas that morning, but what I can remember was feeling like I was at lunch with a regular friend... No one came up to the table to ask for her photo or autograph. I don’t think anyone could have imagined that it was Dolly Parton sitting at the booth next to them. Frankly, neither could I.

Over the years we wrote letters to each other. Hers would come on pink stationery.

The next time she and I were in Los Angeles, Sandy invited us to his house for dinner. She had remembered that I was pursuing acting at the time and told me she thought I would make a great “Willadeen” in her biopic. Willadeen was one of Dolly’s twelve siblings. The eldest sister of the family who helped her mama care for all the kids. I went through a series of auditions and ended up getting the part in A Coat of Many Colors. Like her song, the biopic was an ode to her family she loved so dearly. Getting to be a part of her storytelling will always be one of the greatest honors of my life.

The show turned out to be a huge success and one of the highest-viewed television movies at the time. When the offer came for the sequel, I was already committed to Williamstown Theater Festival that summer, an experience I felt was important for my confidence as a young actor trying to prove myself in an industry with so many assumptions placed on me. I had no theater experience and had worked hard to get into the most prestigious theater group in the country. I made the difficult decision to stay the course and turn down the role of Willadeen in the sequel. I feared I had let Dolly down after she had put her trust and belief in me.

This was her response:

“Well, even though I am so disappointed that you won't be a part of the sequel of "Coat of Many Colors", I just want you to know that I completely understand. I remember how I was at your age starting out. I had to make the decisions that I felt were right for me at the time. So just know that I’ll always love you no matter what. “

Dolly was not just the talent every artist hopes to be; she is the kind of person we should all strive to be more like.

She lived her life close to God, and it is clear by how she reaches all of our hearts that she is channeling something greater than herself.

I like to believe she is reunited with her beloved parents, her soulmate Carl Dean, and our sweet Sandy, sitting on the front porch of heaven in rhinestone angel wings.

I can’t wait to give my daughter the copy of her memoir one day. I hope she falls just as madly in love with her as I did.

This is one of my favorite things our postpartum doula and chef Annie made for us this summer. Since it is the end of rhubarb season you can easily swap the rhubarb for another fruit. Next time I will be trying it with cherries.

Rhubarb Strawberry Crumble

• 4 cups rhubarb, chopped into 1/2 in pieces

• 2 cups strawberries, quartered

• 3/4 cup maple syrup

• Juice from 1/2 a lemon

• 2 tsp vanilla extract

Crumble Topping:

• 1 cup sprouted oats

• 3/4 cup almond flour

• 1/2 cup ghee

• 1/4 cup coconut or date sugar

• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

• 1/2 tsp ground cardamom

• 1/2 tsp ground ginger

• Pinch of salt

Mix rhubarb, strawberries, maple syrup, lemon juice, and vanilla in a bowl before placing in a 9x13 baking dish.

Mix all crumble ingredients together and sprinkle on top of fruit mixture.

Bake in a 375 f oven for 40-50 min or until fruit is soft and bubbling and crumble is golden brown.

Let cool slightly, and serve on its own or with softly whipped cream.

For more of Annie’s recipes and postpartum nutrition tips check out this article here.

Both of my postpartum experiences were blissful and my milk plentiful. Not because I was lucky, but because I was well-nourished. In my book, I talk about the four pillars of postpartum: rest, nourishment, support, and touch. Like any four legged chair all four legs work together with equal importance. The same is true for the four pillars but as a nutrition consultant and big time foodie I am partial to the nutrition pillar.

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With the warm weather and three-day weekend upon us, I thought I’d share some potty learning tips and tricks that were helpful for us in the past. If you’re currently in the thick of it or anticipating the time to come, I hope this is valuable info for you.

Infant Potty Learning

I felt inspired to write this post today of all days because my two-month-old peed in his potty for the very first time!

Before the invention of disposable diapers in the 1940s, infant potty learning was actually the norm. It should come as no surprise to learn that pediatricians were incentivized and studies were paid for by diaper manufacturers to encourage longer use of diapers than historically appropriate.

When my daughter was eight weeks old we started a very chill version of Elimination Communication with no stress on me, no expectations placed on her. When I noticed a cue, and it was convenient for me, I placed her on the potty. We used diapers simultaneously.

As she got older, she started resisting her little potty. We followed her lead and backed off from EC. I do however feel like the early introduction to the potty, the terminology and body awareness, made it easier for her to potty learn as a toddler. I’m looking forward to practicing EC again with my son. I share more on this topic in my book Growing Together.

OK… now back to toddler tips:

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There is something about the end of pregnancy that is utterly excruciating for me. Not just the physical weight but the weight of anticipation. There is a German word, zwischen, that has been used to describe this state of in-between. A portal, a mindset, that does not adhere to logic, no matter how many times we hear, “due dates are meaningless”. To me, it’s as daunting as standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to bungee jump, but not knowing when you will be thrust into mid-air. Once you’re airborne, it’s exhilarating, and all your worries are behind you while you soar on a high like no other, as present as you’ll ever be. I have never bungee jumped, nor do I ever plan to, but I imagine that’s what it’s like. I have, however, walked alongside hundreds of women on their journey through matrescence and through this feeling that often arises at the end of pregnancy. I even wrote a book with chapters dedicated to navigating zwischen, but that hasn’t made me immune from experiencing it myself.

My midwife was certain I wouldn’t get to 40 weeks because I had been measuring three weeks ahead with a VERY low baby, but alas, my “due date” came and went and I reluctantly turned my pity party into a dance party as I had with my first pregnancy. For me, an elective induction is out of the question and that goes for “natural” home induction as well. My only remedy for the post-dates blues was pouting through patience and dancing around the kitchen head-banging to No Doubt, Black Flag and The Misfits. Turns out the songs that soothed my teenage hormones do the trick for pregnancy hormones too. My living room moshing didn’t send me into labor, and thankfully didn’t break my back, but I managed to somehow bounce my baby into a far more comfortable position that took pressure off my pudendal nerve (fun word for a nerve in the pelvis right?) in a way that no bodywork was able to.​

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You can find all of my registry items typed out on this page here.

Would love to know what products were most supportive for you! Drop in the comments below.

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Happy to answer any questions in the comments below.

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Links:

• Haakka Milk Collector or Boon Trove (Not pictured here. Discovered it second time around postpartum and it is my new fav! Hides in bra and useable while lying down.

• Lumebox

• Mommy Maters Red Light Undies

• Muslin Blanket , Aloha Monkey, Wool Blanket

• World Market Shelves

• Silverette

• Diapers

• Wipes

• Journal

• Disposable pad covers for bed

• Reusable pad cover for bed

• Chapstick

• Wishgarden Herbs (Milk Rich, Happy Ducts, Baby Blues)

• Nipple Balm

• Humidifier

• Air Filter

• Red light night light and salt lamp

• Diaper Genie

• Stain Remover

• Sheep Skin

• Baby Balm

• Naturepedic diaper changing pad (downstairs we have the Design Dua) * I figured with a toddler it would be nice this time to have diaper changing station upstairs and downstairs so I can keep eyes on both babes at once.

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There’s a lot of buzz on social media (if your algorithm is all things birth and motherhood) about how you should start preparing your supply before your baby even arrives through Colostrum Harvesting. These viral videos have gained so much traction that even outlets like the New York Post have covered the craze.

For those unfamiliar with the term, Colostrum Harvesting refers to hand expressing or pumping colostrum during pregnancy and freezing it for use as a back stock for after birth.

If you’ve worked with me or have read my book you know I am all for preparing for breastfeeding in pregnancy, but harvesting colostrum is not one of the ways I set myself up for breastfeeding success and not something I necessarily urge others to do.

Here’s why:

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Some women leak colostrum during pregnancy and some not a drop. Either way is completely normal! Whether or not your colostrum comes in early is not an indication of how your breastfeeding journey will unfold or what your milk supply will be.

If you have colostrum leaking during pregnancy, amazing! SAVE THAT LIQUID GOLD MAMA! If you don’t, do not stress.

When the placenta is delivered, progesterone drops. That drop allows prolactin to fully activate milk production. Your body is designed to ramp up milk production after your baby is born.

During both my pregnancies, I never had visible colostrum and the thought of trying to extract colostrum towards the end of pregnancy not only seems like an unpleasant use of my time but also a surefire way of setting myself up for feeling scarcity stress around milk supply (that isn’t even necessary to have yet).

Colostrum is incredibly concentrated, rich in immunoglobulins, growth factors, and immune-supporting components that help seed the newborn gut. In the first 24 hours, a newborn’s stomach capacity is only about 5–7 mL — roughly the size of a cherry. By day three, it’s still only around 22–27 mL.

When we frame colostrum as something that must be stockpiled before birth, we can unintentionally reinforce the belief that there won’t be enough when really newborns need very little.

Another reason why I am not a huge proponent of this practice is because ideally colostrum is delivered directly from breast to baby. When baby latches it stimulates prolactin receptors, establishes supply and demand, gives opportunity for mom and baby to practice breast feeding while building confidence in the mother baby dyad. As frustrating as it can be for some new moms, cluster feeding is part of the brilliant design to help bolster your supply.

Research consistently shows that early skin-to-skin contact and early initiation of breastfeeding improve long-term breastfeeding outcomes and we know skin to skin does wonders for temperature regulation, immune system, blood sugar regulation and stress reduction. Colostrum is best served fresh, straight from the source for so many reasons.

Of course, If there are breastfeeding challenges this is not always possible in which case colostrum can be expressed or pumped in real time after birth and fed to baby while the latch, positioning, or transfer issues are addressed. I believe the priority should be strengthening the breastfeeding relationship with support, not defaulting to the freezer supply of harvested colostrum.

When there’s a freezer stash waiting before baby even arrives, it can sometimes become a substitute for working through the challenges in those early, crucial moments. It might also mean mom is signaling less demand which could impact her supply.

Yes- one can harvest colostrum and prioritize the breast but ideally the colostrum in the freezer doesn’t need to get used because you are so busy feeding from the breast and upping your supply in real time.

A freezer full of colostrum might feel like the ultimate insurance policy but the real secret to breastmilk abundance comes from a freezer full of nutritious food for mom, a solid lactation consultant, education, a plan for taking as much time off of work as possible, support, support, support and safe bed sharing resources.

There are certain situations where having harvested colostrum has benefitted moms and babies, especially in high risk situations or when mothers come under pressure from hospital staff to supplement with formula. I also know some mothers may have wished they have harvested colostrum prior based on an unforeseen circumstance or separation from baby or concerns with blood sugar. There is never a one size fits all approach, especially with breastfeeding. My concerns around this practice are mostly in regards to the fear based and goal oriented mentality of this type of preparation being te gold standard of a strong breastfeeding start.

If you, like me, have no desire to pump while pregnant (or at any point in your breastfeeding journey), I hope this gives you full permission to trust your magic milk to flow when your baby arrives. Regardless of what path you take please prioritize setting yourself up for breastfeeding success with birth education, a postpartum support plan, proper protein rich nourishment, compiling a list of lactation consultants and educating yourself about the glorious and sometimes complex art of breastfeeding.

You can learn more about my 1:1 birth prep and nutrition consulting offerings here.

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Over the years, I have seen mothers, myself included, choose to forgo the “traditional” baby shower and registry and instead invite their friends and family to partake in a birth blessing ceremony that acknowledges the spiritual growth of the rite of passage at hand. Much like a wedding ceremony, a blessing circle unites the community and gives us a sense of purpose in supporting this family on the cusp of new beginnings. Birth is a spiritual transformation, and true prenatal care is so much more than just blood tests, doctor’s visits and ultrasounds.

I think there is a fascinating conversation to be had about how our innate longing for ritual has normalized habitual obstetrical practices such as vaginal exams, excessive ultrasounds, and other unnecessary interventions. These routine tests do not tend to the heart and soul of our greatest emotional transformation nor do they prepare us for birth and motherhood. The book, Birth as an American Rite of Passage, explores this in depth and illustrates how birth practices are a stark reflection of the culture we are born into.

Birth blessing gatherings have their roots in the Navajo traditional “Blessing Way” that imparts blessings of protection and connection through major life initiations. The mother blessing not only centers the mother but also uplifts her support system, reminding them that they will be called on.

Below are some ideas to incorporate into a birth blessing celebration:

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In the United States, the average cost of a wedding is $30,000, with 56% of newlyweds going into debt to pay for their wedding. The average flower budget alone is $3,500! However, when it comes time to plan for birth, I often hear people say that they really want to have a home birth, yet can’t justify the out-of-pocket expense.

Look, I get it. I, too, pay an obscene amount for health insurance each month that I rarely ever use. I also recently got married, so I am in no way minimizing the sacredness of that special day and the lifelong memories it creates – flowers included. However, I do find it interesting that culturally we are willing to break the bank for a wedding but not for birth .

Both birth and weddings are one-day events (give or take), but how your wedding turns out – or how fancy your flower arrangements are – is not going to impact how happy or healthy your marriage is. On the other hand, how your birth unfolds, how supported you feel through the process, and the care you receive before, during, and after can have a massive impact on your early motherhood experience. Our births leave a lasting imprint on our physical and mental health and, of course, the health of our children. This is why I feel so passionate about a mother being in the environment that best suits her needs and prioritizing the support she desires.

In the US, 45% of women report experiencing birth trauma, which is known to contribute to an increased likelihood of postpartum depression and anxiety. Birth trauma is also correlated with higher rates of marital struggles and breastfeeding challenges. Birth may just be a one-day event, but it flows right into the postpartum period, which should be approached with just as much attention to detail as the honeymoon. In many cultures, it is believed that how we approach postpartum can make or break our lifelong health.

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I asked my followers to share the cost of their births, both at home and in the hospital, and the answers varied greatly. I was not surprised to read that for most hospital births, even after insurance, the out-of-pocket costs were about the same as the cost for a home birth with a midwife. Of course, this won’t be the same for everyone based on the city you live in, who you hire, your insurance type, the interventions utilized, and if a transfer becomes necessary. Many people don’t realize that they walk away from a hospital birth paying the same out-of-pocket expense as a home birth! In many states, the average cost of home birth midwifery matches the average wedding floral budget. However, in states like California, the cost can be twice as high.

There has been a lot of talk lately in mainstream media about Free Birth; birth that is not attended by a licensed midwife or trained professional willing to intervene if necessary. The conversation around Free Birth is complex and nuanced, and a topic for another Substack article. However, I bring it up here because although the “Free” in Free Birth refers to the freedom of birthing outside of the system, more and more women are turning to Free Birth because it is Free. Some find it empowering not to have to outsource or invest in others in order to birth. I have respect for many of the conversations and beliefs surrounding Free Birth, but I know to be true that most women do, in fact, want support in their labor, and every woman should have access to the support and the quality of care she desires. No woman should be left unsupported due to fear of being mistreated by the medical system or going into debt.

Here are some actionable tips and things to consider when budgeting for birth:

- Reimagine The Registry - Instead of a baby registry to gather items (many of which you probably won’t use), use a registry like Little Honey Money, where friends and family can contribute to your birth and postpartum support fund. This is not a GoFundMe for your birth but rather shifting the narrative of what mothers truly need and inviting your village to contribute to the care every mother deserves. You can find my registry list here with some items you might not need.

- Skip the Nursery - You will have plenty of opportunities to decorate your child’s bedroom later on. If you plan to co-sleep, trust me, you won’t need a nursery, and your baby won’t care what color the walls are, what fancy furniture you choose, or how nice the diaper changing table is. My daughter is 3 years old, and we still share a bedroom (although she is now in her own bed).

- Start Budgeting Now- What expenses can you pause or skip for now to reallocate towards your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum support? Set goals to help you save for the birth you desire. What we water grows. I love following Dave Ramsey for financial inspiration. Make sure you are keeping your savings in a High-Yield Savings Account to maximize interest.

- Get Clear on Your Values and The Value: We all have priorities and preferences that shape our spending habits. When it comes to how you spend your money, it is personal and important for you to feel good about the value you get from the investment. The level of care, connection, and time you get with your midwife is far more than most OBGYNs can offer. For most, this looks like being able to text directly to ask questions and getting more hands on postpartum support. The value of my midwife was and is truly priceless to me. I never flinch when writing her a check, not because it isn’t a lot of money, but because I feel the value she gives me and my family is a 100x gain on the investment.

- Call Your Insurance Company: Find out if your insurance covers midwifery care. It’s not always easy, but worth shopping around and advocating for. It is unlikely you will receive a full reimbursement, but you might be able to fight for something. You may want to consider a free-standing birth center, as insurance companies are generally more likely to cover costs.

- Health Share - I am not very well-versed in this option, but it is one I am hearing more and more about as families seek out alternatives to health insurance.

- Explore FSA/HSA Fund Options- Most birth expenses and sometimes even self-care modalities like massage and acupuncture can be covered as healthcare expenses with FSA/HSA funds.

- Go Green- As someone who trains new doulas, I can say confidently that some of the most dedicated birth workers I know are new! Of course, there can be tremendous benefits that come with experience, but don’t rule out a newer doula or midwife if you feel an alignment and trust in her skills. Generally speaking, those with less experience will have lower rates to offer.

- Find Local Organizations- There are organizations across the country that help to provide low-income families access to midwifery care and postpartum support. Check out Birth Fund and Joy In Birthing Foundation.

- Ask About a Trade - If you have a special skill or service that you provide, you might want to ask if your midwife or doula is interested in a partial trade. This is not something your hospital will be open to, and one of the beautiful aspects of community care.

When Things Don’t Go as Planned: We all know that no matter how much we plan or prepare for a certain type of birth, we can’t always control the way things unfold. Sometimes our babies have their own plans. This is where things can get costly. If you pay for midwifery care and then have to, or choose to, transfer to the hospital at some point in your pregnancy or labor, you might be faced with double the expenses. To me, this is a risk I am willing to take, and this is why I have insurance. The home birth transfer rate is around 10%, so the risk is not huge, but something to consider. The way I see it, home birth to hospital transfer is emergency care, just like any other unforeseen circumstance in my life that would call for emergency care. Even with insurance, the expense of these events can be a hard pill to swallow financially. However, if the intervention is truly necessary, I know my gratitude for the emergency services provided would help lessen the blow.

American parents (98% of whom are currently birthing in hospitals) pay more for birth than any other country, and yet have the highest rate of maternal mortality of all high-income countries. Our taxpayer and insurance dollars are feeding a broken system, one dictated by insurance and pharmaceutical companies, and leaving many mothers disappointed in their care.

You may be wondering why home birth is such a sought-after option in the first place. You can read more in my Substack post here and my book, Growing Together.

Regardless of where you choose to give birth, I encourage you to invest the same amount of time and attention to detail as you would for your wedding day.

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Tis the season for over shopping! With holiday sales in full swing and baby number two on the way, I’ve been making my list of things to shop on sale. I decided to turn it into a post for first-time moms building a registry and second timers looking for cleaner alternatives and a more minimalist approach this time around.

Preparing for a second baby is easier with things in storage, hand-me-downs galore, AND the true lived experience of what you really need – and don’t. Years of working as a doula before becoming a mother gave me a strong advantage when it came to sifting through the marketing propaganda and consumer-culture madness that tells parents that just one more purchase will make motherhood easier.

Let me tell you, NO AMOUNT OF STUFF makes you “prepared” or “equipped” for motherhood. No amount of gizmos and gadgets make postpartum or early motherhood easier.

What I DO know to be true is that the only investment that does make motherhood easier is the investment in your well-being and care during your pregnancy, birth and postpartum window. You can read more about the four pillars of postpartum care in my book, Growing Together, and in this post here.

Babies don’t care about things. They just need you. They need a mom who is well cared for, who is able to tend to her baby’s needs.This is why I use Little Honey Money, the baby registry redefining gifting to do exactly that. This registry allows you to create funds for postpartum support, like doulas, food delivery, massage, chiropractics, therapy, etc.

That said, of course there are some things you will need to have on hand, like a car seat and diapers. This list walks you through the stuff I would never buy, the things I loved having last time, and the products I will be reordering this time around.

This is the guide for the minimalist mama who wants to be well-equipped with high quality items without accumulate a bunch of waste.

My rule of thumb before purchasing anything is to ask myself: Do I really need this? Does a friend or family member have one I can borrow? Can I purchase it second-hand? Is there a more sustainable version available?

The Things You Won’t Find on My Registry

Owlet Ankle Bracelet- This thing gives me the heebie jeebies. You can read the rant I posted a couple of years ago here with more of my thoughts on why monitors like these feel so deeply dystopian. A hard pass for me.

Fancy Camera Monitor - Although “smart” camera monitors are marginally less creepy, my feelings remain; I don’t need or want a monitor to tell me my baby’s temperature, or oxygen level, and I actually don’t want a baby monitor that connects to my wifi or phone, where there is risk of it being hacked. YES, this is a thing. Our home is small, our walls are thin and we all sleep together, so we rarely used a monitor, but when we did, we used this one: Low EMF, no wifi, old-school monitor screen, no medical reports preying on parental anxiety.

Snoo - I know everyone loves the Snoo and swears by it for sleep, but I just can’t get behind the idea of a mechanical crib connected to an app that senses a baby’s movements and rocks him back to sleep. Call me old-fashioned, but I would like to do that part myself. In fact, I believe it to be a very necessary aspect of motherhood. Not only is the Snoo controllable from your phone in the other room, but it is wired with EMFs/Wi-fi that I would never want my baby sleeping on. There are lots of things I am open to robots replacing, but caring for my newborn is not one of them. Yes, new parenthood is exhausting and tiresome; this is why we need optimal nutritional support and nourishing care. Babies are meant to sleep in close proximity to their mamas; they are meant to be met with human connection when they cry.

Digital Changing Pad - Obsessing over baby’s weight is a slippy slope towards anxiety and can even get in the way of breastfeeding. Your pediatrician will weigh baby and look at the full picture of his or her growth and health. There is no reason to monitor your babies weight at home unless you have medical instruction to do so.

Baby Containers, Bouncers, Walkers or Seats - Putting your baby in an unnatural seated position, a supported stand or any restrictive baby container is not ideal for their development. I really love the account On Track Baby for more info on this. The best place for baby to be is in your arms, in a carrier or on the ground. When babies are on the floor they get to practice using their muscles and lifting up their heads etc in preparation for rolling, sitting and crawling.

Wipe Warmer - Warm wipes are nice. I warm them on my chest or between my hands. Voila – it’s free!

Bottle Paraphernalia - If you plan to bottle feed regularly or formula feed; bottles, washers, and warmers will come in handy for you. My daughter never took a bottle so none of these gadgets were necessary for us. All milk came straight from my boobs (or a cup later on when she started sipping). I did have a few glass bottles on hand to turn to just in case. Again, this is one of those situations where you will need to decide what is best for your family and flow (no pun intended). If you do go with bottles, always choose glass and opt for preemie bottle nipples that slow the flow of milk, mimicking the breast and making baby work harder at the bottle. This can prevent your baby from nipple confusion.

Toys - Your newborn doesn’t need toys. He or she will play with anything; your keys, wooden spoons, you name it. The joy of accumulating childhood toys and stuffies will come later. For now, I promise, your baby will not know the difference. Focus your funds on care for you and the basic necessities you need to feel supported in the early months.

For Babe:

Car Seat - Obviously, this is a must-have item. You can get one second-hand, but ultimately, the safest and cleanest route is to invest in a new one. I love the Nuna because it is SO light and easy to take in and out of the car.

Baby Carrier - I call the baby carrier my “desert island” item. If there were only ONE item I could have for motherhood, it would be a carrier. Hands down, the best and most widely used product of this season. My favorite brands are Artipoppe, Solly Baby, and Wildbird. The Solly Baby Wrap is soft and cozy for newborns, but they do grow out of it fairly quickly. The Artipoppe is wearable for years, and its structure makes it great for front or back carry, long walks, hikes, naps on the go, and travel – also by far the chicest. The Wildbird Ring Sling is great for everyday wear – the sling is light to carry in your purse and perfect for a baby who likes to go in and out often. It’s made for easy hip carrying as babe gets bigger, but can also be used for smaller babies too. Check out an article here about baby wearing. If you can splurge on all three, do it. If you have to choose just one, go for a structured carrier like the Artipoppe.

Sheep Skin- I have one of these on the diaper changing table, and I have one for tummy time on the floor. So cozy. For floor time playing, I like these mats too.

Snot Sucker - I have an obsession with the snot sucker, and I am constantly wondering what mothers did before this brilliant invention came to be. It comes in handy more and more as your child gets older and more germy but great to have on hand for newborns too.

Diapers and EC Potty - When it comes to diapering, you have the choice between disposable and reusable. We did some reusable but ultimately went with Healthy Baby Diapers and started Elimination Communication around six weeks of age. If you want to learn more about, EC check out Go Diaper Free. You will need a little potty.

Wipes - With a newborn, we use dry wipes and add water to them at each diaper change. This assures no rashes in the early sensitive weeks.

Changing Pad - We never got a changing table, but instead popped one of these pads on top of our bedroom dresser. It worked perfectly! We threw a sheepskin over it for extra comfort. This time around, I am splurging on this pretty one for downstairs. Since we bed-shared, many diaper changes took place in bed in the middle of the night. Having these pads for quick changes in the bed was a game-changer. Also, having a mattress protector on your mattress is a must.

Blankets - To keep baby cozy. You will also need a bunch of Burp Cloths that can be easily washed.

Nail Clippers - The most terrifying task of early parenthood is cutting those tiny fingernails. Some moms bite them off or just file them. I honestly don’t know what the best way is, but this has been the safest clipper I have found, and this electric file is helpful too.

Air Filter - Never a bad idea to have an air filter in the room where your baby sleeps, especially if you set up a nursery with new paint, furniture, carpet, etc.

Humidifier - Honestly, this humidifier is one of the top ten best purchases of my life. Babies aside, as someone with lifelong allergies and sensitive sinuses, it saves me in the dry season. I love it because it doesn’t get moldy like so many of the other common brands and is ridiculously easy to clean.

Maybe Now, Maybe Later:

These are items that do come in handy but can be easily sourced from hand-me-downs or can be put off until later depending on your parenting style.

Crib - As a co-sleeping mama, we didn’t use a crib at all until our daughter got bigger and started napping alone. Sometimes those naps took place in our bed, but once she started rolling around, the crib was a nice nap spot. If you know you will not be co-sleeping, a crib is necessary.

Crib Mattress - If you get a crib, you will need a clean mattress that fits with the one you purchase.

Side Car Bassinet - I never had one of these because my baby always slept in the bed with me. However, if you want to cosleep but have other kids in bed, pets, or a reluctant partner, this can be a nice happy medium to keep babe close to you.

Moses Basket - Babies grow out of these quickly, and although we didn’t use it very often, it was nice to have a place to park babe close by for naps while in the living room.

Diaper Pail - Technically, you can use a regular trash can but diaper smells really make their way through a room. So if you aren’t taking out the trash daily, a diaper pail is a good thing to have. Always go with unscented bags.

Stroller- I didn’t put my daughter in a stroller for the first few months, at least. I much preferred the carrier snuggles, and we live on a very steep hill where walking out the door with a stroller is not an option. Now that she’s a toddler and too big for the carrier, we use this light and easy-to-travel-with stroller. It is not a newborn stroller. But personally, I don’t see the use for a newborn stroller if on a budget. That said, some can’t live without it. If you do lots of walking, it worth it to get a stroller for baby, but for me, it goes on my later list.

High Chair - This is a necessary purchase, but you won’t need it until babe is about six months old. Consider getting second-hand or as a hand-me-down and skipping it in the newborn stage so you can focus finances on nourishing YOU.

Rocking Chair - We received this one as a gift and really liked it. Three years later its still in use. Although it is a sweet thing to have in the early weeks, know that your breastfeeding journey and baby’s ability to sleep are not dependent on a rocking chair which is why I put it in the maybe category.

Baby Bath - My daughter bathed with me for the first six months of her life. We never used a baby bath. Didn’t even own one. If your home doesn’t have a bathtub, then a baby bathtub will be necessary. Eventually, at around six months, when she started bathing independently, I purchased the Lalo bathtub.

Onesies/ Clothes/ Etc - One can never have too many onesies. Babies do a lot of spitting up and blowouts that make for many changes throughout the day and night. Nearly all of my daughter’s clothes came from things my mom saved from my childhood or hand-me-downs from my sister’s daughter’s closet. Kids grow fast, and they get messy, which is why I don’t recommend splurging on a bunch of new clothes. If you do, choose organic cotton and natural fibers when possible. Here are some brands I love: MamaOwl and Colored Organics

For Mom

Books - Three must haves for every expecting moms bedside table

Growing Together - My week-by-week pregnancy and postpartum companion brimming with empowering advice to help expectant mothers care for their bodies, nurture their babies, and make confident decisions throughout pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

Safe Infant Sleep - A guide by James McKenna on breastsleeping, a form of co-sleeping based on the inherent biological connection between breastfeeding and infant sleep.

The First 40 Days - A postpartum guide by Heng Ou offering food, rituals, and self-care practices to help new mothers recover, restore energy, and nurture their bodies in the first six weeks after birth.

Breastfeeding Support

Two of the greatest perks of breastfeeding (aside from the wonderful health benefits for you and baby, of course) are that it’s free and doesn’t require a bunch of bottles and parts that need constant cleaning. Here are some items that did support my early breastfeeding journey:

Breast Pump - Although I never really used a breastpump or fed from a bottle, I did have this pump on hand just in case there was any trouble breastfeeding. Its a worthwhile investment for peace of mind – and some insurances cover the cost.

Haakaa and/or Boon Trove- It is worth getting both of! They go a long way in helping to collect excess milk while nursing or hand expressing milk between feeds without having to go through the trouble of pumping. Over the first six months, I filled a large freezer worth of milk to store with just the Haakaa. I prefer the Boon for side lying and hiding in bra.

Silverette - These silver cups are a godsend in soothing and healing chapped and sore nipples.

Breast Friend Pillow - A firm breastfeeding pillow like this one is so helpful in the early days and weeks of breastfeeding. Having this support helps with latching and keeping your back and shoulders from hunching over.

Ointment- When not using the Silverettes, I would apply this ointment to help with nipple discomfort. Remember to also get some sunshine on the nipples and air them out!

Wishgarden Tincture- Wishgarden has herbal remedies like Happy Ducts and Milk Rich to help reduce inflammation and support milk flow and supply.

Milk Freezer Bags and Trays- Whether you are pumping or collecting excess let down in the Haakaa, you will need a place to store and save that precious breast milk. Plastic freezer bags are ideal for small freezer space, and we did use them at times, but I tried to prioritize plastic-free options such as silicone trays. Once the tray was full, I would transfer the cubes to a silicone bag.

Healing and Self-Care Items -

These items are a must in your postpartum arsenal for vagina or cesarean healing and yummy bathing rituals.

C & The Moon - My skincare line is formulated with new moms in mind with a subtle vanilla aroma. The body scrub is incredibly hydrating and the multipurpose oil is fantastic for supporting your hair postpartum.

Cooling Postpartum Pads, Organic Cotton Pads, Peri Bottle, Lume Box, Herbs, Arnica, Bath Salts, Witch Hazel, Organic Cotton Postpartum Diapers

Food Delivery Services:

• Methodology

• Chiyo

• Cookma

• Fammá

Other Support Services:

These were some of the postpartum care modalities that were on my registry and truly foundational for me postpartum. You can find a list of recommended practitioners across the country on my website here.

Cranial Sacral for Mom and Baby, Lactation Consultant, Chiropractic, Couples Therapy, Pelvic Floor Therapy, Acupuncture and Home Cooking Postpartum Doula.

One of the first things I te…

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Packing lunch each morning comes with ease because Lou loves to eat and is very adventurous with food. Yes, like all toddlers before her, she will favor the fruit and seek the sugar hit, or give us what we call the sugar shakedown. However, her love for fruit and carbs hasn’t deterred her from also loving protein and veggies and for that, we are grateful. I know our fate could shift at any time, but the fact that we have gotten to almost three years old with a willingness to eat a variety of whole foods is something that gives me peace, regardless of what the future holds. Research shows that the first one thousand days of life are a crucial window of time when deficiencies can have long-term impact on health and cognitive abilities. The first two years lay the foundation. Fortunately, it is in the first two years that we as parents have the most control over what our kiddos eat.

Some say having a “good eater” comes down to luck, but I think there is more to it than that. As a trained nutrition consultant, I believe there are things we can do early on to help shape our children’s relationship with food for the best. In fact, the research shows that baby-led weaning does help promote more flexible eaters.

Here are my tips for helping to nurture a healthy relationship with food:

• Start by looking at your own relationship with food. Does food spark joy for you? Do you prioritize meal time? Do you set intentions around the food you eat? Do you cook? Does your partner cook? Do you include your little one in the grocery shopping and cooking? What is the energy around food in your home? Do you grow your own food and show your child the magic of how food comes to be? I believe that approaching food with reverence and joy and modeling the pleasure that can come from it rubs off on our children.

• If you have ever shared a meal with me, you know that my love for food is very evident. If something hits the spot for me, I am like Sally from the infamous scene in When Harry Met Sally, turned brilliant Super Bowl commercial. Now I am not saying you should fake an orgasm with every bite to try to convince your child to eat, but if you are genuinely enjoying something delicious, show it! Most importantly, find joy in the ritual of nourishing yourself.

• There is a common belief that baby food must be bland and that kids only want “kid foods” like chicken tenders, macaroni, and pizza. This myth is keeping children from densely nutritious foods, from experiencing the joy of flavor, and from developing their palate! Who can blame babies for making the notorious YUCK face when they take a bite of steamed unsalted brussels sprouts? Who in their right mind wouldn’t? Yes, in the early days and weeks of introducing foods, it is wise to start slow with one/two ingredients at a time to rule out allergies. However, we always prioritized flavor and seasoning in Lou’s meals. We cooked almost everything with home made bone broth from the start, which is not only flavorful but highly nutritious. The fear around salt and babies is based on weak evidence. Here is a great article to learn more about that.

• The choice to flavor up our daughters’ food made shared family meals possible. Another limiting cultural norm is that babies get their own mushy, bland food, toddlers eat pasta and butter from the kids’ menu, while adults eat sophisticated “adult food”. It is asking a lot of parents to prepare two or three separate meals, which is why so many just turn to packaged foods. By making one meal for the entire family to share and enjoy, this not only makes life easier but also sets the stage for your child to go with the food-flow. Our daughter knows that what is served for dinner is her only option. We don’t cater to requests for something different. We have never ordered for her from a kids’ menu; she eats what we eat (with some limitations of course like spicy foods). I love the Baby Led Weaning style of introduction for this reason. This approach also prevents parents from eating leftover Annie’s Mac n Cheese every night. Lord knows I would polish that plate on her behalf and regret it.

• Complete carbohydrates play an essential role in a child’s diet, but I believe it is best to hold off on starchy foods and sugar and prioritize protein. The same goes for sweet foods. We are by no means a sugar-free family over here. I am actually far more lenient around sugar and food in general with my daughter than I thought I would be. We enjoy going out for ice cream, ordering french fries, baking together, and pastries at the farmers’ market. We occasionally eat at restaurants that surely cook with seed oils. However, when starting solids we knew this window of time would be the easiest window for us to choose wisely for her without a battle and without a double standard or creating a complex. We chose liver pate as her first food (recipe below) and prioritized savory flavors; meat, veggies, fish etc, in the first year. Iron is one of the most essential nutrients at six months of age and is far more abundant and absorbable through heme-iron sources ( found only in animal products). Fruit is often thought of as a great first food for babies, but I never understood this. We knew that the moment we introduced fruit, we would open Pandora’s box and she would know just how sweet life can be. From that point on, there is no turning back! The same goes for rice puffs etc.. Aside from having very little nutritional value it doesn’t offer an array of flavor. I think it is important for parents not to micromanage food choices forever. The easiest time to have control over your child’s diet is when they are pre-toddler, so use those early months wisely mama!

• Sometimes you can try allllll the things and your strong willed babe will call the shots and all you can do is surrender. It can be so stressful when your child refuses to eat or protests the good stuff you worked hard to make. Try to keep it calm, cool, and collected. Keep the quality food on rotation, find the best possible alternative, and get creative on sneaking the good stuff in. Don’t keep junk food in the house, which makes it a lot easier not to cave. Most importantly, keep the faith! Kids go through stages. Try not to let them see your struggle around the food they eat and don’t label them as “picky eaters”.

Say Cheerio To Bad Advice

I was at the park the other day, and overheard a mom saying she started feeding her 18 month old Cheerios because her pediatrician suggested it as a highly nutritious snack.

Unfortunately, I hear this advice coming from pediatricians often, along with other garbage nutritional advice, like “start with puffs and pouches “, “night feeding causes cavities “, and “breastmilk has no value beyond a year”.

Here are the ingredients for Cheerios: Whole Grain Oats, Corn Starch, Sugar, Salt, Tripotassium Phosphate. Vitamin E (mixed tocopherols). Vitamins and Minerals: Calcium Carbonate, Iron and Zinc (mineral nutrients), Vitamin C (sodium ascorbate), A B Vitamin (niacinamide), Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine hydrochloride), Vitamin A (palmitate), Vitamin B1 (thiamin mononitrate), A B Vitamin (folic acid), Vitamin B12, Vitamin D3.

Oats are one of the most glyphosate-ridden foods, and when not soaked and prepared properly, the phytic acid actually acts as an anti-nutrient, blocking the absorption of minerals like iron, zinc and calcium. On the rare occasion we eat oats, we choose this brand because it is Glyphosate free. Corn starch and sugar as the 2nd and 3rd ingredients don’t give me the warm fuzzies either. As you can see, Cheerios are fortified with synthetic vitamins and minerals, which is why doctors recommend them. However, this is precisely why I avoid them. I am far more interested in her getting iron and folate from real food like *cough cough* LIVER. Elemental iron can cause constipation, loss of appetite, stomach pain, and nausea. It can also be consumed in excess, creating oxidative stress in the body. Folic Acid can bind to folate receptors and inhibit natural folate intake in some people, creating a greater deficiency.

Are Cheerios a better cereal option than Lucky Charms? Sure. But should pediatricians be recommending cereal at all? Not in my opinion. For the first time in history, there are more obese children than underweight children. Whatever qualms you may have with the MAHA movement, this is undoubtably a result of the propagation of ultra processed foods, Cheerios being an ultra processed food…

Truthfully, my grievance isn’t the Cheerios themselves or the mother’s choice to feed them to her child. My issue lies with the uninformed doctor who is leading his patients to believe that a processed, pesticide-ridden food is a nutritious snack.

I can guarantee you this doctor didn’t tell that mom to make liver pate for her son. Perhaps the doc doesn’t know that liver is one of the most densely nutritious foods (iron especially), perhaps doc doesn’t believe a child would ever go for it, or perhaps they believe that it would place too big a burden on the parent to recommend an unpackaged food.

I am not a purist. My daughter has consumed processed foods and by the way, she quickly found her way over to the boy with the Cheerios and helped herself to some. I don’t get too bothered by her eating processed food on occasion, but when she does, I am not under the illusion that it is healthy for her. Thankfully, I wasn’t misled with poor nutritional advice from a medical provider.

Here are some snacks from her lunch box, the first couple of weeks of school. As a ‘90s kid from the Lunchable generation, there is something about the tray compartments that really sparks joy. It also helps me prioritize a balanced meal/snack with protein, fat, and carbohydrates, and add more variety. I hope these provide some helpful inspo for you.

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Bedtime is when some of my least proud parenting moments happen. Frustration bubbles up inside, and my inner Judge Judy is unleashed. Google will tell you that thirty minutes is a long time for your kid to fall asleep, but the gift of fellow mom friends and community is knowing that there’s nothing wrong with you or your child if it takes four times that. A quick internet search will also tell you that by nurturing your child to sleep, you create a dependency that will drive you absolutely mad. They might be right about that part, but I wouldn’t change it for the world because I know these moments are fleeting and I know the benefits of nurture will serve her now and throughout her life.

As soon as her body melts into my arm (numb from nerve compression), my woes melt away. Her sleep triggers an exhale in me. When the precious little Energizer bunny finally turns her battery off for the night, I forget about the play-dough that was smooshed into the jute carpet earlier and the blood, sweat, and tears it took to get her to sleep. There's nothing so sweet as watching your baby’s chest rise and fall as they sleep and smelling the sweetness of their breath on your face.

If you follow me on IG or have read my book, you know I am a huge advocate of co-sleeping and bed-sharing. As an co-sleeper alumnus myself, I feel personally invested in keeping the tradition alive. After all, it is only in recent history that parents have been told to fear the safety of a practice that has kept infants safe since the beginning of time. You can read my post here to learn about the benefits, and the book "Safe Infant Sleep" by James Makenna is a must-read for all expecting parents.

Skeptics and even some regretful parents love perpetuating the myth that a co-sleeping kid will never leave your bed, never learn independence, and if you let them nurse through the night, that eventual night weaning will be hell.

Well, I am here to debunk these myths and tell you that my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who has never been sleep-trained, started sleeping through the night at 22 months. She now sleeps in her very own big girl bed (in our room, of course!) and was successfully night-weaned at 17 months - yet it was indeed hell. You can learn more about our approach to night weaning here. **If you’re a paid subscriber, you can access it for free**

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People also love to blame marital strife on bed-sharing. To that, I say, if the connection of your marriage and sex life depends on your sleeping space, your marriage might be a bit of a snooze fest to begin with.

I didn’t know what to expect when transitioning our daughter from our bed to her own bed. We were in such a good place with her finallllyyyyy sleeping soundly through the night. Would this derail us? Well, the cute little feet that kick my sleeping face are growing bigger every day, so I decided, no time like the present.

We chose to transition her to her own bed in our room instead of her own room for several reasons: 1) I am not ready for her to leave my room. I like being able to peek over at her at night. 2) If and when any night wakes happen, I want to be able to comfort her audibly or easily with minimal effort and sleep disturbance (another one of the great perks of co-sleeping). 3) We want our guest room to remain a guest room for as long as possible.

I chose this cute bed frame and this Naturepedic mattress in full size so that I can comfortably join her in bed if need be. It is designed for kids but strong enough for adults too. I also bought this waterproof cover, a must. We built the bed together, I believe helped instill a sense of pride and excitement that made her want to sleep in it.

Her sheets are Shabby Chic, which is very nostalgic for me. My childhood bed was dressed in Shabby Chic bedding. I took the same three sets to summer camp, to college, to my first apartment, and still use them in our home today! These sheets have lasted decades, and I was over the moon to receive a new set from the queen of cottage-core herself, Rachel Ashwell.

Most conventional mattresses are made using material treated with thousands of toxic chemicals, flame retardants, and Volatile Organic Compounds (VOCs). According to the Environmental Working Group (EWG), some of these harmful chemicals can cause respiratory irritation, cancer, hormone disruption, adverse effects on the immune system, damage to developing reproductive systems, or other health problems. In babies and young children especially, these toxins have increasingly been linked to asthma.

Research has shown that environmentally poisonous nerve gases like phosphine, arsine, and stibine created from conventional crib mattress materials may explain why SIDS rates drop when babies sleep on their backs. When on their backs, they are not inhaling these chemicals in the same way as they would be on their bellies. With such delicate and developing respiratory and immune systems, babies should avoid exposure to these toxins altogether.

If you are reading this as an expecting mom who is anticipating sleepless nights ahead, you got this. It you are a new mom exhausted to your core, hang in there. Remember, no industry capitalizes on the challenges of parenthood quite like the Sleep Industrial Complex does. Well, except for the formula industry of course. One report indicates the baby sleep market value is approximately $6.5 billion in 2023, projected to reach $10.2 billion by 2032. The thing your baby needs more than any gizmo, gadget or training course is YOU.

I have to confess that during the torturous sleep deprivation of the four-month sleep “regression”, I caved to spending $299 on a “gentle” cry-it-out online sleep training course that everyone seemed to swear by. After watching the first five minutes, I returned to my senses. Hearing this woman instruct mothers to leave their babies to cry alone as the promised solution reminded me that I would rather be traumatized by exhaustion than my daughter be traumatized by neglect. In this approach parent are instructed to sit across the room in a chair if things escalate, NO touching! This harrowing visual solidified what I knew in my heart to be true, babies are meant to be held and loved on while they fall asleep. God forbid they learn to expect your comfort or learn that turning towards connection in times of struggle is the most valuable tool we have through every stage of life. Their need for connection is no less important when the sun goes down. Remember this season is temporary, so try to hold on to the bittersweet truth that the only constant in parenthood is change. Just when you think you can’t survive another night, they sleep! Right when you think you have it all figured out, a new tooth erupts… again.

In the middle of the night last night, my daughter woke up, “Mommy Mommy, come here. Rock me like a baby ”. I crawled into bed with her and did exactly that. I propped myself in a position that I could comfortably fall back asleep in as I rocked her. After all, this is why I chose a full size bed instead of a twin bed. What happened next made me feel validated in my choices to keep her close, knowing that our attachment will only make her more confident in her independence in time. “Okay Mommy, I am going to sleep in my bed. You sleep in your bed.” She kissed me and nodded towards my bed, giving me permission to part ways.

I know tonight may hold a different story, one where my arm goes numb while we fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms after an hour long battle and I wake up with a toe in my ear. Nothing about being human, big or small, is linear. The sleep process is no different. Having the flexibility and fortitude to face the ebb and flow is all I can attempt to control as a parent. Easier written than done! The sleep training we all could benefit from as parents is the training that help us reflect on our own patterns, messaging and triggers. Our unease with tears and tantrums is often a learned behavior from our own parents and a culture that has conditioned us to believe everything good should come easy.

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In female friendship, unlike a marriage, she writes,“ There is no vows to define it or ring to formalize it. It needs no house to contain it or papers to certify it. Its scope cannot be grasped with the naked eye”

This made me think about one of my biggest little pet peeves, when people call their spouse or their child their best friend. Although I can understand the sweet intention behind it, I kind of cringe when I hear it. I didn’t marry my best friend and I didn’t give birth to my best friend. Motherhood is sacred. Marriage is sacred. Friendship is sacred. They are not the same. Call me old fashion but I think that we further dilute the sanctity of female friendship when we pretend that it can be or should be fulfilled by our husbands or our children. I also think this places unfair pressure on our daughters and lovers while dismissing how crucial friendship is in order to enrich our sense of self and and thus have more to give to our family.

Lipton writes, “…female friendship might be the only place where we can simply be. Inside our cliques of two, there’s no script to follow, no end of the bargain to hold up, no proof to produce, again and again, that we are worthy. All that matters, in this quiet sanctuary, is that she is she. All that matters in this sacred temple, is that you are you”

If you know this feeling there is no surprise that studies show that friendships come with myriad health benefits including decreased likelihood of depression, reduced stress and even a longer lifespan.

I’ve been contemplating the meaning of friendship lately as I feel the joy and gratitude for my burgeoning sisterhood and feel homesick for the girlfriends I have left behind in Los Angeles.

Three years ago my husband and I moved across the country to Western North Carolina. We didn’t know a single person here. The decision to start our family and buy our first house thousands of miles away from everyone we know and love goes against everything I teach and preach as a doula. Support and community are foundational pillars of my work and at the fabric of my Growing Together Circle. Little did I know that this leap of faith would be rewarded with a treasure trove of new friendships that would help me feel at home away from home.

Last Saturday I went to dinner with some girlfriends for a much needed and long overdue girls night. The six of us are LA expats who found each other here in NC. A divine culmination brought us together only after uprooting from the place we once called home and honoring the pull towards greener pastures both figurative and literal. Collectively our children range from two to twenty years old and each one of us is connected to one another by our shared and separate history living in Los Angeles.

These friendships make me think about my grandmother who immigrated from Germany to the United States in 1936 knowing no one except for the relatives that received her. Her husband (who she met in the states) and many of her friends were also immigrants from Germany. I can imagine for her there was a feeling of comfort and ease in making German friends. Not only did they speak the same language, she could skip the introductions and explanations and rest in familiarity, especially under such traumatic circumstances. New friends from old places make the world feel smaller, a remedy for homesickness. For me and my friends, well, we find comfort in knowing we have all frequented Erewhon and spent $25 on a smoothie.

Some of my most treasured friendships are as old as me (literally), like Jade who was put in my crib at six months old while our parents schmoozed. Our friendship has always been effortless and unconditional. It happened for us and it exists beyond space and time. No matter how many days, weeks, or months go by without talking, her friendship is felt as grounding as a warm blanket. This has always been the case, so much so that when we started preschool at separate schools, I protested. I was painfully shy as a child. I didn’t need new friends I told my mom. I needed my best friend and I wouldn’t be going to school without Jade. Within 24 hours she was enrolled in my school to help me get over my fear of making new friends.

Then there are the girlfriends I made the first week of sixth grade who are the reason I tear up when I hear Dolly and Kenny sing, “You Can’t Make Old Friends”. There’s, Maddy my daughter’s godmother, who I talked on the phone with every single morning of middle and high school while we picked out our outfits together . These were the days before Face Time which meant we had a photographic memory of each others wardrobe infused in our minds.

There is Bea who at thirteen had blue hair and wore a thong, so obviously I wanted to be her friend more than anything. She gave me my first cigarette. We smoked it on her moms roof naked in shower caps so that our parents wouldn’t smell smoke on our hair and clothes. Its a miracle any friendship can survive middle school yet here we are twenty years later everything and nothing has changed all at the same time. She retired her blue hair and cigarettes, we both traded in our thongs for postpartum underwear and grew together from the girls your mom probably didn’t want you hanging out with to deeply dedicated mothers ourselves.

As my daughter Lou prepares to start preschool (of five children) in the fall I pray that she will be as lucky as I have been. One of the biggest things I’ve been grappling with as an Attachment (cough cough helicopter) mom, is my fear of her friendships. What if she is excluded? What if she excludes others? What if another kid throws a toy at her? Most importantly what if I am not there to defend her like my mom defended me? My mom famously told a four year old that she would bite her back when she tried biting me in playgroup. Mom goals!(?)

If only I could just be my daughters best friend then neither of us would have to face the “what ifs” of friendship. But, if I am her best friend then she surely won’t know the kind of friendships portrayed in Now and Then and The Sandlot. If I am her best friend then I can’t be her refuge when she experiences the stomach churning friendship betrayal that we all face at one time or another.

I am no stranger to the feeling of grieving a friendship, the “ride or dies” who have chosen to ride away. One in particular introduced me to my now husband before doing so. The feeling of gratitude for that former friendship grounds me in the belief that some things aren’t meant to last but everything is meant to be.

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When I posted on IG about my girls night out, I recieved dozens of messages from followers asking for advice on making new friends in new places. This prompted me to post a poll asking women if motherhood changed their friendships. A whopping 95% said their friendships have changed in motherhood .

Every mother, or best friend to a mother is probably not the least bit surprised by that statistic. Being a childless best friend to a new mom straight up sucks. I say this as the bridesmaid who missed my best friends wedding because flying to Hawaii with a four month old was not in the cards for me. I say this as the friend who as a new mom would rather talk about the color and consistency of my newborn’s bowel movements than almost anything else. This is why finding community with other new moms is so important so we don’t bore our other friends to death because lord knows WE NEED THEM TOO! Motherhood changes your relationship to everything and everyone, including yourself. It only makes sense that it would change your friendships too.

The saying, “you are the company you keep” and that has always stuck with me and informed the value I place on friendship. I believe friendships, like romantic partnerships, hold up a mirror to help us better understand ourselves, to help us grow, wether we like it or not. The final scene of It’s A Wonderful Life, is the perfect ending to the perfect movie and opens the flood gates without fail EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. because it evokes a primal knowing deep within our cells. When George Bailey opens up a book from Clarance to find a note that says, “No man is a failure if he has friends”, he and we are receiving a direct reminder from God, that friendship is our life force.

Here are eight tips for making mom friends:

1. Always say yes to blind dates. That’s how I met my husband and most of my new friends in NC have been set ups. If you are moving somewhere new ask around and find out if any one you know knows anyone there.

2. Take a class, join a community like Growing Together Circle where there is a shared interest that connects you

3. Pick up your phone and embrace social media as a tool for meeting people IRL

4. Put down your phone and make eye contact with people IRL. Talk to strangers (in a non-creepy way). Last week a fellow toddler-mom came up to me at the grocery store and said “ I just love your vibe”! Her boldness was refreshing. We exchanged numbers.

5. Get curious, go deep! Here are some great conversation starters

6. Be open to making friends of all ages. One of my most cherished new mom friends here is a grandmother I met at my daughters music class! She hosts playgroup at her house and we take the kids to the park together. I am so inspired by her and love spending time together.

7. Make socializing a priority. One of my favorite Jewish practices is Shabbat because it is centered around the ritual of inviting people into your home, sharing a meal and celebrating family and friendship. Starting a weekly playgroup, a book club, music class or park hang is a great way to gather.

8. Don’t talk politics if you can’t see past politics. I believe the inability to tolerate differing perspectives, beliefs and opinions in today’s world is a big part of why loneliness and isolation are on the rise. Pandemic politics created such a deep division in so many friendships and families. We must not lose sight of the goodness of others that surpass identity politics.

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