As of July 20th, 2026, I am four months away from crossing into the 4th

decade of my life. If I’m honest, I thought I would have “it” by now. What is

that “it”? In my 20s and early 30s the ‘it’ was tangible. It was things: the car,

the house, the incredible career, etc. Now, the ‘it’ is the mindset, the

boundaries, a more regulated nervous system and a healthy uterus. If you are

new here, last summer I discovered that my uterus was enlarged and in the

last year I have been on a journey to heal. No one prepared me on how messy

and hard healing would be. Healing isn’t a quick fix, although I wanted it to

be. This summer has pushed me to overhaul everything I was. I was the

initiator, the organizer, the hustler, and I stopped. Exhaustion in your spirit

will halt everything and for my 40s I do not want to be who I’ve been.

I spent my 20s trying to make something of myself post-college. I was on

my way. I wrote a one-act play that was produced on 42nd St. as part of the

Young Playwrights Festival, booked the lead role as Juanita Bynum in Blues

for Mister Charlie, and started an online talk show, Celi’s Hangout! I was able

to interview the cast of Orange is the New Black when it first came out. I was

featured in the New York Times for acting in a play, written by Katori Hall. Yet

by the time I was 27, I was still living at home, working at the Box Office at the

Public Theater in New York watching incredible plays and meeting greats like

Ron Cephas Jones and Colman Domingo, but going back home to the Bronx.

My 30th birthday wascreeping up and I hadn’t “made it” yet or made

something of myself as I thought. So, at 27, with only 2 suitcases, no car and

no job, I moved to LA.

Within a week of moving to LA, I was asked to be a red carpet correspondent

for the NAACP Image awards! I mean talk about a sign I made the right move.

I became an Equity and SAG member here. At the end of my 20s, I ran the

NYC Marathon 3 weeks before my 30th birthday. Then I had a Great Gatsby

bash. For my 33rd Birthday, I threw a Jesus-themed party with a Garden,

Last Supper Table, and a worship team. I would have these big moments,

yet the joy of those moments would be easily robbed by the opinions and

actions of others. I would be really hard on myself. I accomplished a lot in

my 30s. I won a Best Actor Award, landed my first writer’s room job, my first

regional Equity play, yet my 30s seemed like I was just trying to hold it all

together. While running a ministry, preaching at church, working a TV

production job and pursuing an acting career, I booked my first role in a TV

Movie for BET in 2020 and I just knew this was it. This was my big moment

and then a global pandemic made the world shut down. I booked a show on

Paramount+ and then Hollywood had its strikes. I started to feel like I was

chasing a goalpost that kept moving. In the pursuit of the dream, the anchor

that weighed me down was also the pursuit of others seeing me as good. A

good friend, a good daughter, a good leader, a good actor, etc. I wore over-

functioning and overextending like a badge of honor, and then felt crushed

when others wouldn’t show up the way I did.

In order to shift from 39 years of over-functioning it required a radical shift.

The shift started last September when I got fired from my job and had to give

up my apartment after almost a decade. It shook my life upside down. I was

weary but still trying to show up for everyone. I got engaged and married in 6

months. Those 6 months tested me and wore me out! The aftermath and

stress of a wedding will make you do that. I needed a break from who I’ve

been. I wasn’t going to be running around calling people, checking on people

first or as often as I used to. I needed to fall back from overextending and

finally get my house in order, because it’s not just me anymore. As a

newlywed, all my priorities have to shift. For most of my life I would put my

needs in the background to show up for others. My needs were not a priority

to the point I forgot what they were. As an over-explainer I wanted to change

without having to make an announcement, without telling or explaining to

anyone what I was doing.

Now if you read my previous article, Fighting the Inner Critic then

you know that oversharing can be a trauma response. We are living in an era

where vulnerability seems to be equated to spilling all your business, and the

people around us feel entitled to it. When did this happen? When did we go

from appreciation of access and proximity to demanding it? The more people

know, the more they feel entitled to inject a say. In order to really discern and

prioritize my needs and wants again, I would need to shut off the noise, but

what happens now? What happens when I’m the quiet one, the one who

doesn’t share her business? I used to fear no one liking me, having no friends.

I just didn’t have the capacity I used to anymore. I saw this video and felt so

seen:

Video by @riho.maruyama on IG Caption: “we’re so quick to label people “dramatic” “lazy” “distant” but we don’t see the plans they canceled and the guilt that followed for letting someone down The texts they didn’t have the energy to answer The way their mind turns against them every time they look in the mirror not everyone who pulls away is a bad friend not everyone who seems “off” is the problem some people are overwhelmed some are hurting some are just trying to get out of bed that day we don’t see the pressure, the exhaustion, the silent battles… so we assume but the truth is— a lot of people you think are “pulling away” are just trying to hold it together so if you’re the one going through it… you’re not the problem you’re just carrying more than people can see💛 Keep going. Keep trying. You’re not alone. and if you’re on the outside looking in… let’s choose understanding before judgment🫂 • • • • • • #relatable #thisisforyou #youarenotalone #momlife healingjourney feeling overwhelmed, fighting silent battles, navigating mental health struggles while being a people pleaser, dealing with emotional burnout, healing quietly, feeling misunderstood, balancing mom life struggles, trying your best even when it doesn’t look like enough, learning to set boundaries, rebuilding your self worth, and carrying exhaustion no one sees.

As I approach 40, I am taking with me that peace matters more than proving

myself. I’m ready to come out on the other side rested, assured and healed.

As we wrap up Mental Health Awareness month the most important take away is GRACE. “Grace is the unmerited, loving favor and mercy given freely by God.” Yet how do we really walk in the grace we've been given? Why are shame, guilt, sadness, and rumination plaguing our minds?

Thanks to the Calm App, I learned about the STOP Method. During May, I've been practicing daily meditation. Through this practice, I became aware of how hard it is to turn off the noise.

Recently, I experienced a major life shift and that shift required me to allow the former life as I knew it to die. A new chapter, a new life is being carved out. As someone who got caught up in hustle culture, always having a calendar full and constantly experiencing burn out—this new chapter required me to pursue the path of peace.

My mind would ponder, “How will you find the peace this season requires?” You’ve tried and failed several times to slow down and change and just go back to old ways and patterns.”

Geez, that ‘inner critic’ is something else.

See, I had been living in this loop. I knew the source of my patterns. They were trauma responses. My nervous system’s survival responses were the following:

1. Fawn Response (People-Pleasing & Appeasement) When the nervous system perceives a relational threat, it defaults to appeasement to survive.

• Boundary loss: An inability to say “no,” leading to chronic burnout, stress, and deeply suppressed resentment.

• Mirroring: Subconsciously contorting your opinions, preferences, or personality to match whoever you are with to guarantee acceptance.

  2. Oversharing (Seeking Connection) Oversharing is an unconscious bid for connection or a way to preemptively push people away to avoid rejection.

• Seeking intimacy: Disclosing highly personal or vulnerable details quickly in an attempt to build fast trust.

• Validation: Over-disclosing because you felt unseen or powerless in the past, or to claim space and control in a conversation.

  3. Flight Response (Hyperactivity)

• Workaholism & hyper-independence: Keeping constantly busy or refusing to ask for help so you never have to depend on others.

Thanks to group therapy and talk therapy (on and off) for years, I've been doing the work to heal these parts of myself, but when I was diagnosed with fibroids last year, I knew I hadn’t conquered this mountain yet.

I had pursued a life of purpose and meaning by living a surrendered life to God and helping others, yet that ‘inner critic” started pushing even harder.

What kind of leader are you? You are a fraud. You help people so much because you want to be liked. You overwork to prove yourself. You did all that for your uterus to yell at you and tell you the truth about what you’ve been hiding. You don’t manage stress well, you don’t move on quickly and you are just trying to prove you are a good person.

We can’t lie to ourselves, but we can reframe our thinking to bring forth positive reinforcements. Take a look in the mirror and take accountability, with a spoonful of gentleness and grace for yourself.

Yes, our behaviors are outdated and no longer serve us and at times even hurt those around us, but let’s go back to that magic word: GRACE.

In Merriam-Webster, Grace is defined:

1. ease and fluidity of movement or manner

2. a pleasing appearance or effect : charm

3. sense of propriety or right

4. a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving

   Christianity

   a God-given help or kindness

   b a state of acceptance by God : a state of being pleasing to God

   c a God-given virtue

5. approval, favor

   b mercy, pardon

   : a temporary exemption : reprieve

When I read these definitions I think of this scripture:

Meditating on this scripture reminds me that what I teach and preach does not come from my own human ability or capacity. I am a flawed vessel yet in order to truly serve God’s purposes I must do it from a place where I am not persuading or pleasing man over God. God has given me the grace to move with ease and fluidity. I can show up with a pleasing appearance and charm that was given to me by God’s spirit and grace. I have the right to do so because God said so. By the fruits of the spirit, I can walk in a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving. I’ve already been approved, accepted and chosen by God and his mercy and forgiveness is over me in-spite of my shortcomings.

“ A repentant person respects the process their harm created. An immature person resents the process because it delays the reward they wanted.” -@the_traumacoach

When I saw this post it reminded me how important it is to respect not just the process of others but my process as well. Beautiful people we must give grace and space to the process people need when we hurt them and well as when we hurt ourselves. Trust God to work it out and if the door remains closed then ask God to give you the peace that surpasses your understanding to move forward 🙏🏾 Selah is our portion— I mean, peace is a fruit of the spirit after all. 😄

As we wrap up Mental Health Awareness month, what are you aware of that is affecting your mental health? Thank you for reading mine. I pray we break the chains of our inner critic and walk in the fullness of joy.

March is here. It’s Women’s History Month, and March 8th is International Women’s Day. As I am approaching a huge milestone in my womanhood, getting married, it has brought up so much of my history. On this women’s day I wanted to share, what lack of boundaries has cost me.

I grew up as the eldest daughter in an immigrant home where putting everyone else’s needs before mine was a foundation laid for me, which I had no comprehension of what was happening. My mother and I were undocumented until I was 9 years old. She didn’t learn English until she was 40 years old, and so I stepped up to help. I was a translator, babysitter, emotional support, file clerk, admin assistant, taxi driver, etc. By the time I turned 14, I wanted to get a job to unburden my mother from having to worry about paying for things for me.

Now my story is not uncommon. Most eldest daughters of immigrant families have a similar tale, so I didn’t think much of it until I became an adult and started to take inventory of the patterns of some of my behaviors. I was thrust into adulthood as a child, but now, as an adult spoken to like a child by so many of the adults around me.

For most of my life, when it came to my relationships, whether romantic, at work, with friends, or with family, I chose the path of least resistance. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers. I didn’t want people to be mad at me or dislike me. So I would beat around the bush, I would forgive to my detriment, and people pleasing was written all over my forehead, although I didn’t know it.

I kept hitting a wall. Having blow-ups and conflicts, and thinking to myself, no matter what I do or say, someone is not pleased with me. I felt like all this running around wasn’t good enough.

Over time, it was chipping away at me.

Truly listening to my inner thoughts, I said to myself, You sound like a victim in your own story. And you are not!

I think we have all heard the saying this is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.

I didn’t just wake up one day and decide it would all change over night. I just really like this statement above. For me it was a process, an unlearning that has taken years. There are people who come into your life and place a huge mirror in your face. Actually everyone does it, but it’s up to us to be open enough to see it.

I had people who were angry at me for my lack of boundaries, people who loved me who couldn’t bear to witness people continue to take advantage of me so they became distant. As I was stumbling through adulting, living in a city where someone not liking you could cost you a job, and digging for a deeper relationship with God, I couldn’t seem to reconcile how to be a “good” Christian and uphold my boundaries.

When I met my now fiancé , dating wasn’t even a thought in my mind. We were just friends. From the sidelines he witnessed how much I poured into others and he asked me this, “You give and take care of so many, but who takes care of you.” At the time I had a robust community and felt pretty good about the people in my life, but he saw something I didn’t. As our friendship grew, it eventually led to us dating. When dating, people see what most don’t, and he began to dig deeper.

“Do you even know when you are at capacity?”

“How do you know when burnout is coming?”

These are just examples of the questions he would ask. No one had ever taken the time to ask me this before. I was exhausted, angry and most of the time I didn’t know why.

He saw the patterns. He saw a woman who didn’t know how to say no, didn’t know how to rest.

So in June of 2025 when I went to the Doctor for my women’s exam I was shocked when my OB/GYN said my uterus was enlarged. In my naïveté, I said, “What’s the issue? Maybe I’m meant to birth big things.”

She recommended I get an Ultrasound and that’s when I found out about the F word: Fibroids. Ultrasound results showed I had several growing in my uterus. I went on a deep dive researching, starting talking to all the women I know, and to my shock, so many women around me either currently had it or once had it, and never talked about it. I’m like, how are we all suffering in silence?! This is crazy.

My journey with this is another Substack for another day, but as a result of the diagnosis, I went on a 30-day juice fast. (Yes, you read that correct I didn’t eat food for 30 days.) Now, what does fibroids have to do with boundaries? An intense regimen like this forced me to reevaluate every decision, every priority.

What I had been in process of implementing and working on for years, this event forced Boundaries to be now non-negotiable.

The key to my healing wasn’t just about eating healthy and exercising; it was about my nervous system and changing my programming.

Check out this video:

Fibroids are not random

When I showed my fiancé this video, this was his response:

I think in the spirit it is a form of rumination or unforgiveness manifesting as stuck energy in the body, the inability to move on.

So what exactly has been building up for me? Years of conforming, catering, being in environments that aren’t good for me, angry at people who continue to violate my boundaries, and again its not their fault, it’s on me. When I started to draw lines in the sand, all of sudden my faith would be in question.

What kind of Christian doesn’t “forgive” Does forgiveness equate to proximity or even reconciliation? Did Jesus not have boundaries?

Yes,

Jesus established clear, intentional boundaries during his ministry to prioritize his mission, rest, and communion with God over fulfilling every demand. He frequently withdrew from crowds to pray, said no to inappropriate requests, and protected his time and emotional energy to remain effective in his calling.

Thankfully I read the Bible too and I am aware how imperative it is to:

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 ASV

“Whoever does not welcome you, nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or city, shake the dust [of it] off your feet [in contempt, breaking all ties]. [Mark 6:11; Acts 13:51]”

Matthew 10:14 AMP

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens and pays attention to you, you have won back your brother. But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile (unbeliever) and a tax collector. [Lev 19:17; Deut 19:15]”

Matthew 18:15-17 AMP

For me to come into alignment with the full healing I know God has for me, it’s not just external; there is an internal healing to do first for the external to manifest.

Benito Antonio Martinez Ocasio gave us 13 and a half minutes of culture, activism, and the living, breathing example that an artist is to be a voice and reflection of the times. In these times, we are a nation divided, a nation where parents are unable to afford healthcare, groceries, or their children’s education, a nation raided, and those who are supposed to serve and protect are killing us. Even with all the sorrow of the news and the hate in the world, on this good Black History Month, we are fighting for our joy and for the voices of the marginalized. Bad Bunny used one of the biggest stages to make a statement, or shall I say statements!

With his all-white jersey with Ocasio on his back, he came to represent all the “Americas”. The show opens with a young man with his pava on his head and guitar in hand, saying “Qué rico ser Latino… HOY SE BEBE!” Translation: How Yummy it is to be Latino, Today we drink! The camera pans to the many black and brown bodies in the sugar cane fields, the super titles of his full government name, and “The spectacular halftime show of the Super Bowl.”

Kicking off with this hit, “Titi Me Pregunto” while the field workers surround him with machetes, holding a football, he then passes by the COCO FRIO stand, the dominoes table con los tios, the nail tech booth, La Gabriella, La Patricia, La Nicole y La Sofia were representing those who built this nation brick by brick. It doesn’t stop there. He continues to pass by the Piraguas stand, LA’s own, Villa’s Tacos, and ducks under the Latino boxers.

This opening vignette is only the beginning of showing America who the real VIPs are! OKAY!

When we get to the ORO Y PLATA stand, (Gold & Silver being sold) he grabs a ring box with a ring inside while he says his lyric “El día que me case te envío la invitación” (The day I get married, I will mail you the invitation). Well on the Super Bowl stage, he invited us to the Bad Bunny Wedding. (We get to that later.)

The next hit/vignette he takes us to is LA CASITA (which became famous during is Puerto Rico Residency) with “Yo Perrero Sola”, “Party” and “VOY A LLeVARTE PA PR” The question is did you guess who would be invited to the house party? Cameos were made by Jessica Alba, Karol G, Pedro Pascal and Cardi B, all dancing and jamming en La Casita and telling us all, “This is the biggest party in the world.”

When he falls through the roof of the house and kicks down the door, snippets of Tego Calderon's “Pa Que se lo Gozen”, Don Omar's track “Dale”, and Daddy Yankee’s “Gasolina” played. Paying homage to the men who kicked down doors in reggaeton so Bad Bunny could fly! After I came down to reality and realized Daddy Yankee is not going to perform on the Super Bowl stage, (which I already knew, but hearing his song gave me a glimpse of hope), we transition.

“EoO” is next, and we are only about 4 minutes in. Are you kidding me?!?! By this point, I noticed the number 64 was on the front of his jersey. If you are wondering, like I was, why he wore 64 instead of 60, for Super Bowl 60. Speculation is that the number 64 may represent his mother's birth year, 1964. Some interpret it as a reference to the initial, heavily underreported 64 deaths officially cited after 2017's Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. After EoO ends a Coqui is on the screen rooting for Bad Bunny and we see there is 18 minutes left on the clock of the Benito Bowl.

Violins greet us, serenading us into the next track, “Monaco,” while Benito tells us “Good Afternoon California!” and declares his government name to the world as we watch a Latino maestro lead this band wearing a Flor de Maga pin on his tux. Flor de Maga is the official national flower of Puerto Rico. During this vignette, Benito tells us, “If I am at this Super Bowl 60, it’s because I never, I never stopped believing in myself! And you too should believe in yourself.”

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Benito then goes on to give us what might be the first, real-life nuptials on the 50-yard line during a Superbowl Performance. An officant pronounces a couple, husband and wife, before revealing a surprise guest, LADY GAGA!

Lady Gaga sang a Salsa Version of "Die With a Smile,” her song with Bruno which she sang at her halftime performance back in 2017. She was giving Latin vibes in her dress and even giving us some moves. I know some people weren’t feeling it, but Benito’s objective was “PR para el Mundo” and inclusivity and that he did. Dancing on the rooftop like this was giving very ‘In the Heights’, Broadway musical feels.

“While one is alive, we must live as much as we can,” Benito shouts as he takes Gaga’s hand, and we transition to “No Te Puedo Olivdar.”

The wedding party is in full swing, and the couple cuts their cake. Benito salsas over to a young kid sleeping at the party with a football. He wakes him up, and he runs off. (A quintessential Latino moment, IYKYK) “Dance without fear, Love without fear,” Bad Bunny screams as the married couple dances, surrounded by dancers of all ages.

Benito then crowd surfs from the building into “Nueva Yol.” The barbershop, the bodega, and Toñitas were represented with Maria Antonia "Toñita" Cay herself, giving Bad Bunny a shot during the performance. A little history lesson, because I’m from NY and this one is special. Toñita's Caribbean Social Club (or Toñita's) in Brooklyn is a legendary, 50-year-old, woman-owned Puerto Rican spot. The club opened in 1976 in Williamsburg. Despite intense gentrification and offers to buy her out, Toñita has maintained the space, which Bad Bunny celebrated as a hub for the diaspora. In January 2025, Bad Bunny arrived at the Brooklyn spot with a parranda (musical procession), accompanied by politicians Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Nydia Velázquez. He actually name-drops Toñita’s in the track “Nueva Yol” so this was very apropos.

We hit the midpoint of the performance with a family watching tv and witnessing Bad Bunny win Album of the year. The internet was in a frenzy when Bad Bunny handed his Grammy award to young Lincoln Fox, whom many speculated was 5-year-old Liam Ramos. (Minnesotan recently detained and released by ICE) Entertainment Weekly reported the true identity of our young actor and that Fox, who is half Argentinian and half Egyptian, seemingly signifies the star's impact on the rising generation of Latinos in America.

This endearing moment already had me in the feels, and then RICKY MARTIN appears in one of the two plastic white chairs. The iconic image from the Grammy Award winning album, ‘Debí Tirar Más Fotos.’ The 54-year-old singer looked amazing while singing “Lo Que le Pasó a Hawaii.” A smooth voice singing profound lyrics, “Thеy want to take my river and my beach too.
They want my neighborhood and grandma to leave. No, don't let go of the flag nor forget the lelolai 'Cause I don't want them to do to you what happened to Hawaii.”

Sparks fire off as men jump down and hang from the power lines. Benito begins his lyrics to his song "El Apagón," which is a Spanish phrase translating to "the blackout," "the power outage," or "the power cut", representing all the issues Puerto Rico has had with the power grid before, during, and after Hurricane Maria. Many left for literal months with no electricity. For those who are confused, Puerto Rico is an American territory that was taken by force at the end of the 19th century. Since then, mainland corporations have controlled a significant share of production on the island and have reaped massive profits. Andrew R. Chow reports on this for Time Magazine in his article titled “Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Was an Exuberant Act of Resistance.” Censorship on the island has been a real part of its history, and for many of us, we feel like America is at it again these days. Doing their best to censor those of us who speak out against the injustice in all the Americas.

“CAFé CON RON” with a dash of EDM kept the energy up as his 13 minutes were almost up by this point. Flags of all the Americas began to come down the field as Benito says “GOD BLESS AMERICA,” and proceeds to call out all the countries in the Americas. You know North America, South America, and Central America, yes, all those countries. In the backdrop the billboard reads, “ The only thing more powerful than hate is love.” When he shows the football it reads, “Together We Are America.”

Touchdown! and we close out with “DTMF.” Marching off the field. Hands down one of the best Super Bowl halftime performances I have seen. As an Afro-Latina, born in the Dominican Republic and raised in NY this one was special. I will leave you with this quote: “It was a 13-minute capstone to why Bad Bunny is—and deserves to be—the biggest pop star in the world.” - Andrew Chow (Time Magazine)

Every November for the last few years, I go on sabbatical from ministry. I take a much-needed break from my duties as Founder/Lead Pastor of Sequoia Sisters Ministries. I began my sabbatical without my own place and, early on, fell into the trappings of not truly resting. I transferred the busyness of the ministry to tacking on personal things that were piling on stress. It’s as if this clock to figuring it all out by 11/30 started, and I was racing against it.

How can I get it all done? See a specialist, attend my friend’s mother’s memorial service, figure out my move-out plan, plan something for my birthday, and what I will do for work/income, just to name a few.

A government shutdown and flights getting cancelled left and right just days before my appointment with the specialist began to gnaw at me. I had this guttural feeling that if I got on the plane to the Midwest, my flight back would get cancelled. For some, this would be a no-brainer decision. For me, I wrestled with disappointing a friend and not being there when I said I would. I struggled with not being able to show during one of the hardest moments of her life. Yet the whisper of God was clear. You are not a savior. You can’t be everywhere and take care of everything.

So I made the hard choice and didn’t get on that plane. I kept telling myself, “Franceli, your health is the priority right now.” Now, when I checked my flights (I had a connection), both flights were on time and made it to both destinations, but the day before my appointment, which is when I was set to fly back, the flight got cancelled. I felt like God was looking it me like:

Although sometimes it can be difficult to know if you are hearing God or its just your own inner battle. God for sure is in the business of ensuring we are in the position to give/minister for our overflow. When God’s answer is NO, accepting his answer is part of the battle we must lose. Give up your way, your idea. I don’t know why I wasn’t meant to be there, but peace that surpasses understanding is surrendering results. This was a pivotal moment in my sabbatical, and rest was no longer an idea but a mandate from God.

I mean it’s always been a mandate, but clearly, I was doing it my own way and not his way.

So for the rest month here’s what I did.

• I found an acupuncture school that has a community clinic and treated myself to a session for the very first time.

• I went to a matinee movie on a Wednesday to see Back to the Future on the big screen for the first time.

• I got a facial

• I check myself into a hotel for a night on the eve of my birthday to be alone and come into my new year with a different pace.

• Told my bestie and fiancé I had no bandwidth to plan anything for my birthday- I was checked out from wrangling people, schedules and figuring out a way to create space for people to show up for me. So they curated the perfect evening to celebrate just us where all I had to do was show up.

  November 25th marked 1 year since my former Pastor died on her birthday at the tender age of 41, and I didn’t post about it, I let the grief wash over me at church about all the things I felt I lost over this past year, and just wept. This year God took me inwards in ways I had never done before, and although there have been several storms in my life this year, there is so much to be grateful for! It takes courage to be quiet when you’ve been loud all your life. It takes courage to be still when you’ve been moving and hustling and in survival mode all your life.

  So I don’t know what this last year of this decade will bring, but I am remaining hopeful and grateful that it is all working out for my good!

  Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it.

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SERMON- TRANSFORMING OUT OF FEAR

On October 31, 2021, I was asked to preach/minister at Firehouse Community Church. I didn’t find it a coincidence that I was teaching on this day specifically. As I have grown in my walk with God, there are several things that the Lord has convicted me to leave behind. I didn’t grow up in a home where celebrating Halloween was prohibited, and all week leading up to this message, I would see all these debates and arguments online about whether or not Christians should celebrate Halloween. God, in his infinite wisdom, showed me that in this life, we have free will to choose, and all I can do is hope and pray that you prefer to listen to God’s voice when he is speaking to you and convicting you specifically on a matter. It is not my job to police and/or condemn. Now, what I can do is put on the costume of LOVE.

I hope your life, and your witness— not just on 10/31 but all year round, is an act of putting on a reflection of Jesus.

Take a listen to SERMON: TRANSFORMING OUT OF FEAR and let me know how it ministers to you.

I pray today you are walking in love and in truth.

I pray you put on the full armor of God and stand against the schemes of the devil, and most importantly, that NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROSPER!

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October is Pastor’s Appreciation Month and also the anniversary of when I became a licensed minister/pastor. Maybe others always saw it, but I surely didn’t. I want to share with you a God musing from my devotional time with God this morning:

Recently, I received a letter in the mail, and it gave me such nostalgia.

“SNAIL MAIL” for me! Poetry can be a love letter, letter to pen pal and I love that about poetry so for Days 10-12 these were “letters” based on the Prompts.

BETWEEN SPACES

*Franceli has been scribbling poems in her notebooks since she was a child. Her evocative verses earned her spots at open mics, and has been selected to perform for/at LA River Arts, Dominican Writers, Los Angeles Poets Society, Melrose Trading Post, Last Bookstore, Village Well Bookstore, and even hit the stage in France at Paris Lit up. She was a featured poet for Latin America: A spoken word play. ‘Broken’ is a spoken word short film that she starred in/directed, and screened at the Caribbean American International Film Festival. Her debut poetry book, Between Spaces, has been featured in Amerie’s Book Club, Bookshop.org, Un Chin Magazine, Blacktindad on LATV, Voices of Color, and Remezcla.

PURCHASE BETWEEN SPACES

Dominican Writers every Sunday has writing workshops and from the beginning, embraced me and created a space that is all-inclusive for every type of Dominican and even non-Dominican writer. Dominican Writers is where I performed my first open mic, found my editor for my book (shoutout to Roxana Calderon), and continue to champion not only my writing ,but the films I am in like B is for Bachata.

SUPPORT MY BOOK BABY: BETWEEN SPACES

PURCHASE HERE

This year is Dominican Writers is back at it: It’s not too late to the join the Poetry Party!

I will be sharing/posting my #DWANAPOWRIMO2025 poems so subscribe and stay tuned..

Light isn't heavy to carry
    A word I heard

Dropped heavy
   The word carried the weight of years

What am I carrying 

Light is misunderstood, misused, and often abused
  How isn't it heavy

Heavy is the crown of thorns that cuts deep 

Yet light wrapped in love died for me

Could I lay my burdens at his feet

Light isn't heavy to carry
  My fear is
 
Pick up the torch of light
      The yoke is easy

Heavy laden doesn't reflect light
   It mirrors my internal fight
 
 Mirror Mirror on the wall
    I want to reflect the son

 Mirror spoke back
   Reflect on the words of the one
  Whether you are trying to win the approval of man 
    That's a good start

Would you like to support Franceli’s work? Purchase her debut Poetry Book-Between Spaces

Purchase Between Spaces

Happy National Poetry Month! April has always been an interesting month for me. For the world, it’s poetry month. For me, it is the month my dad was born, my mom was born, my nephew was born, my brother was born, and when I finally got my own apartment in Los Angeles. On April 1, 2016 I stood in my empty apartment and wept. I wish I could pick up the phone and call my father and tell him, I did it. I finally did it. I had the same feeling when I finally published my book. I was 12 years old when I told my father I wanted to be a published author like him, and at 38 years old I completed that little girl’s dream. That’s why I chose to do my book launch on my birthday, 11/20/2024, as a birthday gift to 12-year-old Franceli. So much work goes into self-publishing and self-producing your book launch, but 5 days after my book launch, I got the devastating news that my former mentor/pastor had passed away. There is much to share about what I learned, from walking away from hybrid publishing to betting on myself and deciding to self-publish to bringing this book and launch to life. Death shifts priorities, and promoting the book and my launch didn’t seem that important anymore. So to celebrate National Poetry Month, My Dad, My Mom, and My incredible village who helped make this night possible. I wanted to share this night with you all and say out loud: FRANCELI CHAPMAN-VARELA I am proud of you. You fought hard for this. Many didn’t see the nights you wanted to give up, the trials, and the people you lost along the way, and it’s important to celebrate what you have done with every plot and scheme that tried to come against you.

TO PURCHASE BOOK

THIS NIGHT WAS MADE POSSIBLE THANKS TO THESE INCREDIBLE HUMANS!

Sponsors:

Food:

Bodega Delights @bodegadelights

Isla Cuban Latin Kitchen @islacubanlatinkitchen

Drinks

Crystal Bartenders

@crystalbartenders

Videography

Ortega Cinema

@ortegacinema

Dress/Shoes

Melissa Mercedes

@melissamercedesofficial & @surfacepr_

DJ Trip

@dj_trip_

Capital Investors & Volunteers

Essence Atkins @essencesays

Julissa Calderon @lajulissa

Sequoia Sisters (Dorothea Saint-Fleur, Tecoya Harris, Sirena Valreee, Jossie Harris)

Vendors:

Venue:

Casa Nueva Verdugo

@cenmill

Photography

@andreasphotography

@mf.takes.photos

Cupcakes

@cakebashstudio

Hair

@the_crown_whisperer

MUA

@juanice.mua

BETWEEN SPACES WAS MADE POSSIBLE THANKS TO:

Alegria Publishing: Book Scholarship

@Dominicanwriters : -Book Consulting

Roxana Calderon: Editor

Ana Melissa: Book Cover Design

Support from Santa Varela, Chris Chapman, Susie Chapman, Maireni Chapman, Dhayana Alejandrina, Robert Carlos Garcia, Jamila Jackson,

The Pastors left overseas and those of us who stayed behind were called to step up and lead service in their stead. I went shopping with my cousin to look for outfits for the premiere. I wanted to look and feel my best for this moment. I was finally going to be on TV, in a movie, and with my best friend at that.

As Covid cases continued to rise in the US, whispers began at the office of a possible shutdown. Our church family had to rush back from London after only being there for 2 days, to make sure they didn’t get stuck there. By March 11, 2020, the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic and on March 13, 2020, offices closed, students were sent home and we were ordered to quarantine.

When I envisioned March 14th, 2020, I thought about walking down the red carpet, I thought about the world finally seeing my talent and what I am capable of. Instead, I was in my friend’s living room with my bubble watching my tv debut at home. The world was full of fear and the unknown. We had no idea how long the stay in place order would last.

Here I am, five years later, on March 15th, 2025, sitting in the abundance, increase, and favor of God that I couldn’t see, plan, or prepare for. There were many losses and disappointments along the way. Now, there is life before Covid and life after Covid. It seems as though anything around 2020 doesn’t have a clear timeline. It’s all so blurry. During the pandemic, I had Covid twice, lost sense of taste, smell, shortness of breath, and brain fog.

The pandemic made our world smaller. We had our small bubble. We celebrated occasions on Zoom, disconnected from people and reconnected with others. We picked up hobbies, deferred dreams, and cooked and drank more than we would like to admit. We gained weight, lost weight, and did our best to keep our sanity. In the last 5 years, I’ve lost loved ones, went to therapy, tried online dating for the first time, took VoiceOver classes for animation, Shakespeare, and so much more. Hollywood never went “back to normal” and I put down the fear of sharing my voice and started to write again. I attended my first open mic virtually with . (My journey with my poetry deserves it’s own substack post.) I created and wrote a pilot with my friends, I got a development deal and then that dissolved due to the strike, and I pivoted and became a published author.

When I think about my five-year plan, a licensed minister and Pastor were not in it. In 2020, major shifts and changes happened. In August of that year, God led me to take the women’s Bible study I was leading on a pilgrimage to the Sequoia National Forest. In October I became a licensed minister, and what God has done in just the office of ministry in these last 5 years can fill up several Substack posts.

There are so many stories. There have been so many wins and so many redirects, but these last 5 years have taught me so much.

Here are a few:

1. No more 5 year plans. God laughs at those. Live a life fully surrendered to his will and his way. Pray for discernment to walk out God’s plan and the endurance to keep going because the opposition will come and fight you tooth and nail.

2. Community is vital to your spiritual, physical and mental well-being. So keep wise counsel around you.

3. I can do hard things.

4. Be Present. Life is worth Living!

5. There’s no valley low enough or mountain high enough that God won’t stop working things out for my good.

If you would like to have access to exclusive content and hear more on these stories, become a subscriber: Thanks for hanging out!

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

TopDog/Underdog, written by Suzan-Lori Parks and Directed by Gregg T. Daniel, stars Brandon Gill and Brandon Micheal Hall and is now playing at the Pasadena Playhouse. Beautiful Black History fact: Suzan Lori Parks is the first African American woman to receive a Pulitzer Prize for Drama in 2002 for this play. The show will run from February 26 to March 23, 2025. I had the distinct pleasure and honor of being a part of the show’s first audience for the first preview (2.26). Pasadena Playhouse is one of my favorite theaters in Los Angeles. This historic playhouse will be 100 years old in a few weeks. I mean, look at the beauty of this place.

If you’ve never heard of Topdog/Underdog you are in for quite a ride. (Disclaimer, I’ve heard of this play and read it but I had never seen a production of this play before.) This tragically brilliant two-hander play, follows the story of two brothers, Lincoln (Brandon Micheal Hall) and Booth (Brandon Gill). These brothers are navigating finding their place in this gritty world after being abandoned by their parents.

Curtain up and the stage has a spotlight on Booth with a piece of cardboard on some milk crates as he’s shuffling three cards. I immediately recognized this game as the play began. Growing up in New York, I would see men in Times Square doing this trick, and now living in Los Angeles, I see men in Venice Beach “playing this game.” This play finally gave me a name to the hustler’s hustle that is the three-card monte. What I learned was that the game is rigged. The symbolism between this game, these brothers are playing, and the game of life in America seems so parallel. I believe that is the intention of the playwright to have us question: Is the American Dream rigged? Is it a scam? Although this play was written in the early 2000s, it seems very fitting still in 2025. What does it take for two black men to fight their way out of poverty? Do they have a way out?

Scenic Designer Tesshi Nakagawa brought us into the world of a seedily furnished rooming house room. Nakagawa’s set didn’t take up the entire stage, yet it was a box that felt small for grown men while it towered high for us sitting up in the Mezzanine. One line from the play that stayed with me long after, “You're only yourself when no one’s watching!” The beauty of theater and this play is that we get to watch the private moments of these characters. Can Booth and Lincoln break the generational curses of their family legacy? We see men who are puffed up with pride and ego. Men who both struggled with a gnawing, a craving to prove something. Will their pride lead to their fall? You must go to the Pasadena Playhouse to watch the humor and pain. Topdog/Underdog is poignant and beautifully done.

I must mention one thing, and I promise it doesn’t spoil the play. Booth is hiding and sneaks his way out of the apartment by putting a chair in front of the fridge, climbing up it, and going up to the second platform to exit the apartment and come back in so his brother doesn’t notice he was there all along. Gregg T Daniel is definitely on my list of directors I would love to work with one day. Daniel made use of the entire room and filled up moments, with physical comedy, keeping us entertained. So get dressed, bring a friend, and make your way over to the theater.

Hangout with me as I discuss The Substance, starring Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley. I promise you can read this even if you haven’t seen the film, and I won’t ruin it if you still plan to watch it. After Demi’s Golden Globe win, which I talked about in a previous post,

I knew I had to take the time to watch the film that helped her become the talk of the award season. This film, from start to almost the end, was a 5 out of 5 for me, but towards the last 15-20 minutes of the film, the storyline went left and dropped the film down to a 3 out of 5 for me. Let’s get into it.

The film's tagline is " A Fading Celebrity Takes a Black-Market Drug: A Cell-Replicating Substance That Temporarily Creates a Younger, Better Version of Herself” As someone who has walked down the Hollywood Walk of Fame and dreamed of one day seeing my name on a star, the film left me asking a few questions.

“What price are you willing to pay for fame?”

“Is the consumer set up to objectify women until they are tired and then dispose of them?”

“What are you made of when your darkness comes to the surface?”

“Why do we want what we can’t have?”

“Why don’t we value what we do have?”

“Who and what shaped how I see myself, my body, my age?”

Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) is a beautiful, mature woman who rose to fame teaching aerobics on TV. From the start, I was invested. Elisabeth is gorgeous. The bright colors and fashion of the 80s summon nostalgia for this 80s baby. It was giving Olivia Newton-John’s Physical meets Richard Simmons. Cinematographer Benjamin Kračun and director Coralie Fargeat chose some extreme close-up shots for the overarching antagonist of the film, Harvey, a sexist and vulgar television executive, driving home disgust for the audience towards this character. Harvey's first obnoxious thing that stuck with me is, “We need her young, we need her hot, we need her now. How the old b*** has been able to stick around for this long, that’s the f**** mystery to me. ”

The Substance of Hollywood, all puns intended, can feel like it is made up of empty promises, money-hungry studio heads, self-absorbed celebrities, and influencers who make reckless decisions. This town may have some of that, but it isn’t what it is made of, and what a horror it would be if it was. Borrowing from horror classics like The Blob, and The Shinning and influences from David Cronenberg, there were several moments I had a hard time watching.

Needles make me squeamish, okay?! I didn’t expect the film to be as gory as it was, but let’s be honest, I went in knowing nothing about it, including that it was a horror film. Through horror, the film addresses the objectification of women, addiction, sexism, ageism, and misogyny. I was very disappointed with the ending. The payoff just wasn’t there in my opinion in the end.

With all that said, thankfully, Art isn’t imitating life on this one; Demi is getting her flowers. Demi truly did give an outstanding performance and didn’t hold back. She bared it all. (Literally) What courage it takes as an artist and a woman of her maturity to go all in like this. What I saw in Elisabeth and Demi was a woman with natural flaws yet still stunning. All Elisabeth saw was an unlovable has been. When given a chance at a “better version of herself,” unbeknownst to her, she was letting out the monster that’s been hiding in the dark of her subconscious. When given the Substance, what was she made of? self-hatred.

So, let’s set the stage back to that Golden Globe night. Despite the world trying to tell Demi she was a popcorn artist, despite her battles with thinking, well, maybe I’d done all that I could do, in this film, she has shown what she’s made of: resilience.

God acknowledges us. A fellow Afro-Dominicana said what I was already thinking: “Praise Jesus for a God who sees color and was intentional with shaping us this way as he formed us in our mother’s womb.”

In my book, Between Spaces, I wrote a poem called Between the World and Me inspired by Ta-nehisi Coates book.

When I think about the slaves that came to the Americas, which was not the America we know today. I think about my father, my grandfather, and my great-grandfather. You see, those ships landed on the island of Hispaniola. Known today as the Dominican Republic and Haiti. My father, Dr. Francisco Chapman-Veloz, was an ethnic studies professor. He had a PhD in Anthropology, and before he died, my dad showed me his late grandfather’s freedom papers. I was born in the Dominican Republic, and so was my father, but not so far removed, my great-grandfather was a slave. Brought to the island of St.Thomas on a Netherlands ship. When I went by Franceli Chapman, many didn’t believe I was Dominican or Latina because I didn’t have a “Spanish” sounding last name. Growing up, I was always reminding people that I, too, came from slavery and that my last name was evidence of such.

My father was an author and poet and wrote profusely on topics of race, culture, and identity. My debut poetry book, Between Spaces, is a symbol of me picking up the baton my father left. With all his teachings and writings, he has left behind a legacy and history about our family, our culture, and our blackness.

Yet, just like the poem, I wasn’t ready to not be Black enough or Latin enough. When I moved to Los Angeles from New York and joined the Screen Actors Guild, I added my mother’s last name to my stage name. I did this for a few reasons: First, my mother, who came to the country illegally with me and fought tooth and nail to get us citizenship, took $3,000 out of her 401k to gift me the money to join the actors union. Having her last name was my way of honoring her for all the sacrifices she has made. The second reason was that in Hollywood, having the last name Varela legitimized the Latina, or that’s how it felt at the time. When I started to put my Spaniard last name on my headshots, I began to get called in for Latina roles from casting offices that didn’t call me in when I was just Chapman. Thirdly, it was important to walk in and embrace the fullness of my identity. Chapman and Varela. No more allowing others to define my blackness or my Latinidad.

I am a Black woman

I am a Latin woman

and

I am Black History.

This past week, the world has been throwing stones at Los Angeles with a lack of empathy. Tone-deaf Christians were saying God had sent his wrath upon the city. Between all of that, constantly checking my watch duty app, staying on alert to see if I had to evacuate, and hearing sirens all the time (I live down the street from the fire station), my mental health began to take a toll. I was frozen for a few days. The industry has taken hit after hit, and artists like myself and many of my friends have as well. By Friday, January 10th, this was the view from my apartment building:

By this point, for my mental sanity, I packed up my father’s books, his ashes, copies of Between Spaces, my passport, and some clothes and left. Times like these make you realize what is important. Thankful to Ortega Cinema for helping me load up the car! (Check out his vlog about it) I just didn’t want to be so close to it anymore. I needed to get away to shake off the heaviness I was feeling. As I cried and prayed, the heaviness didn’t shake off. The guilt began to grow. How could I be sad when I had so much to be grateful for? I didn’t lose everything. The internal struggle between hope and despair emerged once more. The battlefield, in my mind, was in full war mode.

An avalanche of thoughts:

Every time you had some momentum something comes to snuff it out.

You are running out of money, and you need a job

Who wants to look for a job while the city is burning?

Who is even hiring?

What job outside of the industry pays enough to afford to live in LA?

Should I move? Is that giving up?

I’m so tired.

This is why God impresses upon us to take our thoughts captive, or they will hold us hostage. I knew I had to prepare to teach Bible study, and I started to wonder how I could motivate others when I didn't even have motivation for myself. What did God say to me at the top of the year? Stop trying to do it with your own strength. I cried out to the Lord for him to help me. God began to minister to me. Look at all the people coming together being the hands and feet of Jesus. God reminded me that what I was getting ready to do mattered. Spreading the good news matters. God gave me the gift of acting but my purpose isn’t acting. My purpose is to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. This is the message God gave me:

I love performing. I love all the creative gifts God has blessed me with, but my hope can not be placed in those things. My hope has to be in the one who created me. God knows me. He knows what I need. As I ministered, I felt the heaviness break off. Hallelujah!

Witnessing the city come together and help those in need has been a beautiful thing. I pray we can keep that same energy as the headlines die down. I leave you all with this,

**Praying for all those affected by the LA Fires. Thank you to all the men and women working in the LAFD, news, hospitals, and shelters. 

Want more poetry written by Franceli? Purchase her debut book, Between Spaces 

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