August 11th, 8pm at The Groundlings Main Stage

TICKETS

I’m not saying we should break up, but things do feel different now that I’m out of jail and you’re not.

I never see you anymore!

You know, when we became cellmates, I was just so wrapped up in you. It didn’t occur to me that even after we fell for each other you’d still have to finish your sentence. That feels unfair.

Because Enzo- Your sentence is really long.

And honestly- It would be even longer if the warden knew what you’ve been up to.

You know, I do have a conscience, Enzo.

Morally speaking, I should turn you in. I can’t think of any reason not to.

Can you?

I mean… it’s not like you’re my husband. That’d be different. You can’t tell on your husband.

Of course, neither of us is thinking about marriage.

But… If we did get married… I think I could wait for you.

Not in like a faithful only to you way, but if I didn’t meet somebody else, I’d be here when you got out.

Especially since, you know, Enzo- A lot of people go to jail to get in shape. Are you gonna do that?

Ok well let me know if you need me to deposit more money for ramen or whatever.

Miss you,

Bodie

I think I know what our problem is.

You’re using me wrong.

You keep asking me to give you things I just can’t give you.

Like… space.

Sandro- I’m not the right guy for that. You might have to get that somewhere else.

Look. I’ve had a lot of time to think in here. And I’m ready to face life with my head on.

You gotta understand- what I’ve done has nothing to do with who I am.

And I don’t want to make it a big deal, but I recently came into some money. I’m a rich guy now.

Don’t worry I’m not gonna let it change me. I won’t forget about you.

My new lawyer says he’s gonna knock a few years off my sentence. I’ll be outta here real soon. It’ll be nice to talk in person.

Maybe at your place.

Hey- I heard my mom brought you a calzone the other day, but she couldn’t get in.

What- Did you change the locks?

That’s my mother, Sandro.

The calzone got cold.

Well, I’m sure you’ll make it up to me.

-Enzo

Hi, honey. I’m so sorry to hear that you and Enzo are going through a rough patch. My Enzo- he’s so passionate. He goes after what he wants, and he gets it. That can be intimidating for someone who’s life has no meaning.

And I know- He read your diary. But honey- he apologized! Come on.

You should be flattered. Do you know how hard it is to get people to read your stuff these days?

I haven’t finished reading it yet, but so far, it’s just your feelings and how badly you want a drink.

You know, you’re so worried about Enzo finding you or showing up unannounced. He’s in jail. He doesn’t even know where you live.

But I do.

Sandro, honey. I came by the other day, and I heard another man’s voice. Have you met someone new? From AA? One of your sober friends?

You know, Sandro… About your drinking… no one asked you to stop.

Enzo loves you just the way you are.

Though it might be a good thing that you and your new friend don’t drink.

There are a lot of stairs getting to your apartment. And those old railings!

A lot can happen between the fourth floor and the ground.

That’s how my Leslie died.

What was he doing at the top of the stairs in his wheelchair? Silly.

Well, I hope you don’t have plans for dinner. I made a calzone.

Love, Nonna Chinchilla

We’re gathered today to celebrate the life of my beloved husband, Leslie, a wonderful stepfather to our boys, a wonderful grandfather to Olive- and a brilliant golfer.

He loved all of you.

Losing a third husband- it’s… a pain I’ll never recover from. My heart is sealed. Oh, my sweet Leslie…

A bit about me… I’m recently single.

My days are spent wandering aimlessly from my solarium to the ballroom to the other ballroom, all alone, thinking about how I could NEVER replace Leslie.

Though it was his only dying wish- that I replace him.

He spoke of it often.

He’d say to me “Chinchilla, when one of us passes, I want you to find another man, right away. To golf with.”

He suggested you, Ted.

Muriel, you don’t mind. You don’t even golf, do you?

Muriel, wanna have a laugh? Leslie always thought I belonged with your Ted.

Isn’t that funny?! Hi Ted.

Now, as you all know, Leslie wanted dancing at his funeral, so please push your chairs against the wall. I’ll be dancing with each and every man here. In honor of Leslie.

Ted? Shall we?

Another day. Another lost soulmate. Please help me find him.

To the man wearing the baby on his chest:

Earlier today, I spotted you in the pupusa line at the Hollywood Farmer’s Market.

I walked by in a little red wrap dress- that you undid with your eyes.

There was a woman and some small children with you… Relatives?

The woman was talking to you about hurricanes, but you were smiling at me.

And I at you.

We spoke for hours- with our eyes. God, we have so much in common.

We’re not worried about right or wrong.

We know a one-night stand can mean more than an entire marriage.

Look. I dance to the beat of my own playlist. I like my steak medium raw.

I don’t need you to come over to my house and kill spiders.

Your phone rang and you took a call from a Dr. Miller. I’m glad there’s no blood in your stool.

I wanted to congratulate you, but the baby spit up on you, and you left for the bathroom. You weren’t upset. Such a good… uncle?

I did some shopping but never saw you again.

If you want to pick things up where we left off, here is my Venmo.

Send me a little something so I know you’re serious.

Yana

Thanks for going out with me. That was a pretty good date, huh?

Sorry for talking so much about Alessandro. It’s just- we were out to dinner, I saw you eating chicken-- it made me think of him. Alessandro used to do that too.

I told you my wounds are fresh. You’re gonna have to be gentle with me.

And clear.

Alessandro was always messing with my head. Saying he didn’t want to see me- but then showing up to all the places where I knew he’d be.

Like that Starbucks by his job. And his job. C’mon!

Anyway. Luigi. I got a good feeling about us. Do you like mini golf?

Because I had a dream last night that I was parked outside a mini golf course and I was doing some guy in my car.

I couldn’t see his face. Was that you?

I know you’re working late today. I listen.

But- you could come over after if you want.

As I keep saying- I’m recently single, so we got the whole place to ourselves.

Mi casa es your casa.

One thing. The door to the basement. I’d prefer you treat it more like a wall. Feel free to use it as much as you want, just don’t open it.

Ever.

Anyhoodles, let me know what time you’re coming by.

Enzo

Charlotte’s Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

You know how sometimes you’re watching porn with your friends and then all of the sudden you kind of just want to be alone?

Well, I was at James’s house the other day with some of guys from my class and Kevin picked out a movie I’ve never seen before- I don’t know if you’ve seen it. It’s called Only Anal #6. No?

Well anyway, I don’t usually pay that much attention to the story, but in this one, the mom catches the dad sleeping with the babysitter and she kicks him out, so he leaves.

Then the mom starts sleeping with all the dads on the block. It made me think about my mom. Like- is she doing that with all the dads on our block? Like… even old Mr. Spitzack?

The movie was really messing with my head, so I shut it off.

The guys started shouting at me and they wouldn’t stop.

Adrian kept teasing me saying “Donnie doesn’t like porn. He’s so vanilla.”

So, I yelled “Nuh-uh. I love porn. But this porno reminds me of my parents. Ok? They’re getting a divorce.”

Then Adrian said, “no way”

And James said, “It’s true. His dad’s dating my old nanny, Moonlight.”

Everyone got quiet. I went home to watch a movie by myself.

But no matter what I put, I just couldn’t get hard.

When I told mom, she said, “don’t worry- it happens to everyone.”

Has that ever happened to you, Dr. Cornwall?

Charlotte’s Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

Big news. I’m not with Gabe anymore. He got so jealous of me and Nico that he hacked into my phone, and leaked hundreds of revenge nudes of me all over social media.

Which was so mean! He knew I was going to sell those on Only Fans. Now they’re just out there for free. I thought I was screwed, but Kayla said “wait, let’s go talk to our law professor, Mr. Peckeral.”

We told him what happened, and Mr. Peckeral said, “let me do some research.” Then he closed the door to his office. An hour later, he said: “Well, the pictures aren’t just on social media. They’re on Porn Hub as well.”

Mom. I was devastated. I don’t want to be on Porn Hub. Not yet! I’m still just building up my Only Fans. But Mr. Peckeral said it was a good thing. Porn Hub keeps track of everything and one of my pictures already had 10,000 clicks!

Gabe was making money that should have been mine! So, me and Kayla went to tell Gabe that I was suing him. He said, “Good luck.” And then Kayla said, “Oh. By the way, your son, Jasper is in the background of one of the photos you put on Porn Hub and he’s only 17. I think there’s a law against that.”

Gabe’s ex-wife, Catherine found out about the lawsuit and said “really Gabe? Again?” She made Gabe settle.

And now… I have 4 million dollars.

Mom. If you think about it, it’s all thanks to dad. He was so right about not letting me quit gymnastics. Being flexible is so valuable in my line of work. That plus my lazy eye makes my pictures so unique.

You might think because I’m so rich that I’m dropping out of college but tell dad don’t worry. I won’t.

This is where I make all my best content.

Love you, Noodle

Charlotte’s Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

I know I said I wanted to try and make things work, but it’s hard to be with someone who’s mad at me.

For the millionth time- I’m sorry about the kidnapping. But I’m already in jail. We’re even.

I don’t really know what your problem is.

So, I hired some guys to grab you and put you in a wet basement for a few days. Big deal.

It wasn’t like a real kidnapping from the movies.

How was I to know those guys were gonna get kind of scary? They were STRANGERS, Brian.

I hoped the experience would bring us closer. But when I confided in you- when I told you my truth, youcalled the cops on me! Your own husband. That should be illegal.

That’s the thing about you Brian. You’re not technically a criminal, but that doesn’t mean people like you.

My cellmate, Enzo, thinks I’m better off without you. He’s great.

I mean yeah, Enzo’s done things, but at least he’s passionate. And he goes after what he wants.

And guess what that is Brian? Me. And he’s not scared off by the fact that I’m a dad.

Enzo doesn’t care about kids at all.

Love, Bodie

Charlotte’s Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

June 13th, 5pm June 22nd, 7:30pm June 28th, 7:30pm

Use code: READER at checkout for a special subscriber discount.

Welcome to your new guilty pleasure! Charlotte’s Shorts is the taco truck of comedy. Fast, cheap and spicy. This 1 hour live comedy show features six of the world’s greatest actors reading SUPER short works of fiction written by Charlotte Dean. Hear from the most self-centered, clueless and downright awful people you never want to meet (but probably already know).

The cast pool includes Laraine Newman, Jordan Black, Ariane Price, Mitch Silpa, Sarah Baker, Andrew Friedman, Michael Churven, Ashley Bell, Bridget Sienna, Chris Kleckner and Emily Pendergast.

You member the summer at the beach- when we kept whippin’ each other in the face with seaweed?

Then we got bored, so we both hooked up with my cousin Johnny.

Man, I can’t stop thinking about the three of us up on that Ferris wheel.

Johnny watching the fireworks. Me and you watching each other.

Remember? We took turns taking bites out of Johnny’s churro.

He was all- “Hey! You guys ate the whole thing!” We didn’t care.

Sandro. You think I do that with just anybody?

Look. It’s fine if you need space. I don’t mind you playing hard to get.

But… what did you mean when you said don’t try and find me?

You think I don’t know where you live? Alessandro. We’re bonded for life.

You keep saying “stop!” What does that mean?

Like “stop! I like that!” Or “Stop! Now go!” What kind of game are you playing?

Look. You want me to leave you alone? No problemo. Just… meet me halfway. Be fair.

I respect your privacy, but I don’t love what you’ve been saying about me in your diary.

I don’t know… it’s all from your side.

Whoever’s reading it won’t have any idea how I feel.

Food for thought.

Enzo

Charlotte’s Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

Lucy managed to get off drugs, but she was a chain smoker, so she had very bad teeth. She was also skinny, and her wool was gray.

None of the farmers ever tried to sleep with Lucy. They all wanted Mirabelle.

Mirabelle was the sexiest sheep on the farm- and she knew it. Her mother had breastfed her until she was ten, so she had huge boobs and a great butt. She drove the farmers crazy. They took her to all the fancy sushi spots in town.

Lucy only ever got gas station sushi. And she always had to sleep outside in the cold with the hobos, while Mirabelle got to sleep in the warm barn and make love to the farm boys.

Lucy wanted Mirabelle out of the picture.

So, Lucy started a modeling agency for sheep. Only the sheep who could pass through the gap between the gate and the fence could be in it. It was just wide enough for all the sheep except for Mirabelle because of her big fat breast-fed ass.

“Guess you can’t be a model,” shrugged Lucy. Mirabelle begged to be let into the Elite Sheep Modeling Agency. “Well,” said Lucy “there is one thing you could try…” Lucy got some Ozempic off the black market and gave it to Mirabelle, who immediately started to lose weight- and all of her wool. “That’s… totally normal,” said Lucy.

Even with the weight loss, Mirabelle still could not fit through the gap in the fence. Instead of becoming famous model, Mirabelle became a bald, lonely sheep that no one would have sex with.

Lucy took Mirabelle’s old wool and superglued it to her backside. She was a sheep in sheep’s clothing with a new Brazilian butt lift. The farmers noticed her right away. And that night, for the first time ever, Lucy slept in the barn. And she never ate sushi from the gas station again.

The end

Kids: You have to be careful. If a modeling agency gives you Ozempic, make sure it’s the good stuff.

Charlotte's Shorts is also a live comedy show. Watch actors read this story (and worse ones) on Instagram and TikTok @charlottesshorts

Thanks for having me over yesterday! Me and Jojo had a lot of fun.

The only thing I didn’t like was that timer you set for Jojo at dinnertime.

I kept telling her “Come on! Just do what your mom says-eat the lasagna.”

But Mrs. Cooper- Jojo does NOT like your cooking.

I’m sorry I tried to eat Jojo’s lasagna for her. I didn’t know you were behind me.

You scared me when you knocked the fork out of my hand!

I don’t think my mom would like that? Do you?

Jojo is my best friend. I was just helping her out.

And you said we couldn’t play Mario Kart until she finished.

It wasn’t fair that just because Jojo didn’t eat her dinner neither of us got to play.

I got punished too.

I don’t have Mario Kart at home. So, it’s really special to me.

Don’t you think it should go to someone who eats all her dinner?

Well, tell Jojo I’ll see her at school tomorrow.

Love,

Olive

An oat milk latte with a heart in the foam was waiting for Rebecca on the clean dining room table. She sipped it as she opened her gift from Craig.

It was a beautiful evening gown that felt like sweatpants. There was also a ticket to the premiere of a new Viking reality show for tonight. Sadly, Craig couldn’t go. He was working overtime at his new high paying job.

On her way to the premiere, Rebecca noticed her car had been washed and the tank was full. Good old Craig. When she arrived at the red carpet in her comfy new gown, everyone gasped.

She had that effortless mom glow men can’t resist. The hot Viking star of the show, Utred couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Worried the paparazzi would see his gigantic boner, Utred invited Rebecca backstage.

He pulled her in close for a kiss. Rebecca hesitated. Then she remembered the wise words of her writing teacher: “Rebecca- you can do Valentine’s Day to more than one person.”

Utred laid Rebecca down on the king-sized bed in his dressing room.

He didn’t mind at all that Rebecca did a Wordle while he went down on her.

“I got it in 3!” She exclaimed. “Rebecca you’re so smart.” Utred’s love making became even more passionate and fulfilling. He was only one man, but somehow, he felt like two.

Rebecca got home late that night- still throbbing. Everyone was asleep, but no one was snoring. She opened her email and saw that the kids had already been signed up for summer school and all the forms had been filled out correctly.

She came.

Then she slept for nine hours straight. It was the hottest Valentine’s Day ever.

Fin

And the groom- Skunk. Ugh. How could her sister think this hillbilly was the one? Skunk was missing his two front teeth! And he kept smiling at Savannah.

She had to get away.

Savannah ran off into the everglades and tripped on an alligator.

Luckily, Skunk had been following her. He pulled her out of the swampy water with his left hand and knocked the gator out cold with his right. Years of video gaming had made Skunk’s hands strong.

Savannah’s wet body quivered with desire. Skunk kissed her- anaconda style.

Savanna’s tongue slipped through the space in Skunk’s mouth where his teeth used to be. She’d never known that part of a man before.

She tried to pull her dress off, but it got stuck on her huge booty.

Skunk helped and tore it off of her- like a gentleman.

Savannah curtsied and gave Skunk head- like a lady.

They were both enjoying it equally- when Savannah said, “Hey- you’re married to my sister. Isn’t this cheating?”

“No,” said Skunk. “This is Florida. Plus, we’re family now.”

Skunk undid the straps of his tuxedo overalls and passionately boned Savannah on the back of the dead gator.

Gee, thought Savannah. I really like having a brother.

Fin

Ok, So, James came over after school yesterday, and we played Roblox on our iPads.

I ran out of time on mine because dad only gives me 2 hours. James can play as much as he wants. He’s lucky. He doesn’t have a dad.

Well, there’s nothing else to do at my house, so James and I had to just watch porn.

We got pretty into it and didn’t hear the door when mom came home with dinner.

She said, “I don’t want you boys watching this. Go wash your hands and I’ll find something better - with lots of eye contact and no choking.”

So, mom put a movie on the big tv, and me and James set the table.

Dad came home and yelled, “hey what’s the big idea?”

Mom said, “the boys are gonna watch it somewhere, I’d rather they be safe and do it here.”

Dad said, “Ok Cheryl, but do we have to watch it during dinner?”

Mom said, “well I don’t know what time James has to be home.”

The movie was ok, but just when it started to get good, mom shut it off and said “you know, I’m actually not sure this is appropriate for the boys. I want to ask a professional.”

So, Dr. Cornwall, did you watch any of the videos Mom sent you?

No? Well anyway, mom and dad started fighting.

Dad said, “I knew this was a bad idea” and then mom said, “you think everything’s a bad idea.” And then dad said, “I do not” and then mom said, “you have no imagination” and then dad said… “I’ve met someone else.”

So… dad got up and left.

Mom got on the phone with a lawyer.

And I got extra time on Roblox.

The Most Popular Polar Bear

By Yana Babanin

Patricia was the most popular polar bear in middle school. She had great posture; a rich daddy and she was SO mean. Esther was dying to be friends with her. But Patricia didn’t even know Esther existed. No one did.

One day, Esther decided to show those polar bears her true self. So, she wore a silver tube top, a sequin mini skirt, some cowboy boots and a hat with dreadlocks in it.

“What the fuck, Esther?” Said Patricia’s boyfriend, Brad. “Yes!” Thought Esther, “he knows my name.” Patricia said, “Hey nerd - Do my homework, and maybe I’ll invite you to my Bat Mitzvah.”

Esther happily did Patricia’s homework. However, when Patricia turned it in, she got a D. “Ugh forget about coming to my Bat Mitzvah. You’re not even a good nerd.”

It was true. Esther wasn’t very smart. Just unpopular.

That afternoon, Karl the janitor, found Esther crying in the broom closet. At first, Esther was afraid of him. Karl was a huge bear, and everyone knew he had eaten his children. But he was a good listener, and he gave her a handful of jellybeans from his pocket. So, she went home with him.

Karl’s cave was magic. There were machine guns and grenades. It reminded Esther of John Wick. There was also a beauty salon. Karl gave Esther a spray tan and a Russian manicure.

Karl said, “come- be my plus one to the Bat Mitzvah.” Yes- Even Karl had been invited. Karl gave Esther a quick nose job and they dressed up like Dirty Dancing.

The Bat Mitzvah didn’t know what hit it.

Karl and Esther tore up the dance floor. The other polar bears watched with envy. When Brad asked Esther for a dance, she said, “sorry schoolboy, I like big bears now.”

Esther and Karl did karaoke, stole all of Patricia’s Bat Mitzvah money and drove off in her dad’s purple cyber truck. “Check you later, puta!” Esther yelled out the car window.

The next day, Esther dropped out of school and moved in with Karl. He quit his job and together they made a pretty good living doing armed robberies in costume.

Esther was so happy, she didn’t even mind when Karl ate their cubs.

The End

Kids- not everyone is meant to have children.

Adios Chinchilla.

She is survived by her only daughter, Plymouth and her twin sister, Arugula-Marie.

Arugula insists there are no childhood memories of Chinchilla worth mentioning.

Chinchilla had no hobbies, made no contributions to society and had no recipes or words of wisdom to give to her daughter.

We will each remember Chinchilla in our own way- many of us against our will. With the fire and the flood and then the other flood, these past few years have been especially hard on our family here in Mobile, and Chinchilla did her best to make them harder.

None of us are perfect creatures, we all have something we are working on and trying to improve. Chinchilla really was able to find those flaws in each of us and highlight them.

In Chinchilla’s honor, Plymouth would like us to all think back on happier times and cherish those memories (though it’s unlikely Chinchilla is in any of them.)

Since there will be no funeral, no memorial nor any celebration of Chinchilla’s life, Plymouth has suggested everyone begin the process of letting go on their own terms.

There will be a community yoga class at 11:15 am today, led by our very own Debbie Wilkins. I believe that will take place in the rec room once they clear out the catering tables that were mistakenly set up for Chinchilla’s service. Again, there is no service. Please do not go over there expecting any food or refreshments.

To those of you who have contacted the family wishing to reminisce about the good old days or share your fond memories about Chinchilla, Arugula would like to say you are probably thinking about someone else.

Thank you and God bless.

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I started seeing someone new. Well… he’s new for me.

His name is Nico. I might have mentioned him before.

He’s the dad of Kayla’s second abortion.

Remember how nice he was? He paid for everything and took us out for karakoke after.

Not all abortion dads do that.

Anyway, things are going so well.

You know that Intro to Bio class I hate?

Well, Nico got one of his pledges to go to class and take notes for me.

So, I have way more time for my Only Fans.

Also. Mom. Wait til you see Nico’s body. He’s is so hot that I think about having sex with him while I’m having sex with him.

Like I don’t even wish I was somewhere else.

He’s a little bit of a fuck boy or like what would have been called a player in the 1900’s.

But it’s fine. We’re both only 18. That feels really young to be tied down to each other.

Also, I am still in a very committed relationship with Gabe.

How are you?

Love, Noodle

Sneak peek of Sarah Baker rehearsing Noodle for our show MARCH 10th at The Groundlings in LA!