Women and girls were repeatedly told that “men are the natural providers” (which was the supposed reason for the never-ending gender wage gap). Single mothers were also heavily pushed into marriage, and married mothers were pushed to stay married, this was literally written into public policies, especially with the welfare “reform” policies of 1996. Large components of welfare “reform” were/are “fatherhood funding” and “marriage incentives”, this was/is in addition to social norms that heavily punish single mothers and their children (especially in religious/conservative communities).

The patriarchal system was made by men, for men - yet, it’s women (especially single mothers) who are blamed for all the negative outcomes.

I have zero empathy for any adult child who blames their mother for the negative outcomes of patriarchy, or those too damn ignorant to view their mothers through this lens. These types of estranged grown children are perpetuating the patriarchal system through mother-blame, which is patriarchy’s favorite tool. What better to turn a mother’s children against her, and make her children blame the oppressed parent, while excusing the predatory sperm-giver.

The term “patriarchy” is literally rooted in the oppression of mothers and putting the sperm-giver (“fathers”) on a pedestal, or at least romanticizing their bad behaviors (which many adult children do way more than mothers do). What I mean is when adult children romanticize the neglect and/or absence of their sperm-giver by creating false scenarios in their heads, to blame their mothers for his behavior. This fantasy then replaces reality, the reality that “pops” never gave a shit (at least not until after the kid turned 18 and he had no more responsibility), while blaming their mother for her very normal actions and behaviors under such a patriarchal system that was intentionally set up for her to fail.

Grown children are increasingly complicit in this patriarchal system, and mother-blame is among the most effective tools of patriarchy. Again, I have zero sympathy for grown children who refuse to connect these patriarchal dots.

We all know of single mothers who seem to have done just fine, but just like the “good dads” narrative, this is the exception - not the rule. It’s been my experience that when people say sh*t like “well, I did it on my own” (in any context), then when the truth comes out, when I start asking a lot of questions, usually it turns out they did have help - but they just don’t acknowledge this help because it makes them feel better about themselves to create a new narrative in their own minds (especially if they blame/scapegoat the person(s) who did the helping).

I’ll never forget the day when my own (now estranged) grown son said “nobody helped me, I did it (his success) all on my own” (when he had a free apartment to live in - with his partner who paid nothing - a free nice car, free utilities, free new cell phone, free computer, free clothes, mostly free university, free textbooks, and most of the time free food, all paid by his maternal grandparents and I). Then he said “which was the bare minimum” 🙄.

His argument was that his life wasn’t nice-enough during this period (I was a single mom with a starting income of $3.50/hr in his early life, and topping out at $12/hr during his college years, and received no child support).

He would get very upset if I did anything for myself (which is deadbeat energy - the type of male-child mentality that is conditioned by patriarchy, the man-o-sphere, and by deadbeat “dads”, he definitely was not raised this way). It was as if I could not live a low enough lifestyle for his approval.

He also said (before the estrangement) that everything was my job, solely my obligation, as a mom (to provide for him). I have no idea where he got this bullsh*t from, but it certainly wasn’t from me. He later searched for my rapist, his formerly absentee deadbeat bio, and aligned himself with him and with his family (the same people who protected my deadbeat), so I guess the deadbeat-mentality must be genetic, more to do with nature and less to do with nurture - when it comes to the nature vs. nurture argument, because I’m a feminist, but his bio is a deadbeat rapist.

I struggled big time as a single mom and do NOT recommend motherhood to any woman. I am now very much pro-abortion and pro-child-free. Although I tried to survive without dating (for obvious reasons), without a man’s help, but I did give into the illusion that being with a man might make things easier (for both my son and I), which definitely was not the case.

Every man I’ve known has made our lives a living hell (especially if he wasn’t being centered). However, my son deeply resents me for the bullsh*t of “putting a man before him” when I never even wanted to be with any man, ever again 🙄 - I was just just breaking, mentally breaking, because of the constant living in survival-mode (which my son tried to pathologize me for - but it’s not “mental illness” it’s the trauma of constantly living in survival mode and then being blamed for it) I have noticed a trend of mothers being pathologized after years, sometimes decades, of being treated like sh*t under patriarchy - most which were single mothers. This is why I am very much against mothers being labeled with mental disorders, especially by their own grown children. Their grown children never saw the total picture of what their mothers were put through. If mothers do try to explain it, their grown children often accuses them of “playing the victim”, it’s as if mothers must accept being blamed for everything, even for systemic patriarchy. What kills me is when I see “feminists” engage in this (against their own mothers).

In fact, when my son was young, in the early 90s, I couldn’t even get any job until I lied and said I had no children. Hiring managers asked if I had kids (they weren’t supposed to ask, but they did). One male hiring manager said “I don’t hire single mothers, so I hope you aren’t one” and then he laughed. If the business was local and knew of me, I would not even get called in for an interview because of my reputation of being a teenage single mom. These are the same type of employers who hired deadbeat “dads” and male ex-convicts.

When I was working, I couldn’t even get a job that offered health insurance and welfare-“reform” cut us off, so we were left with no social safety-net, no healthcare. My parents were, understandably, tiring of raising kids, especially one they hadn’t planned for, and were also growing resentful (but continued to do more far than most grandparents - it wasn’t their responsibility). Unfortunately, this was at a time when my son was in his rebellious teen years and during a time when my (now ex-husband) was also making our lives a living hell. This is the time period that my (now estranged) son chose to focus on, instead of all the other years that he was the only focus.

I worked, often 2-3 jobs. However, these jobs kept schedules below the 40 hours, to keep from having to offer health insurance. The wages were always exploitatively low. However, my son deeply resents me for “never being around” as a mom. I worked nights, weekends, and holidays. I worked retail and these were the shifts that were hiring. At that time, I only had a high school diploma, but barely graduated because I was pregnant at 15 (I’m now in the master degree program at university). I begged the welfare office to allow for me to go to university (prior generations of single mothers were allowed to go to college while on welfare), but they said it was no longer allowed, under welfare-“reform” (thanks to the Clinton Administration 😞). Welfare (at that time) still helped pay for college, but only after monthly work requirements were completed, and this was before online-college became widely accessible, so it was nearly impossible to work swing-shifts (which are work schedules that changed weekly, unpredictable) and still attend scheduled college classes on campus (and, again, not be available as a mother, and not making enough money to put food on the table, especially without the help of a man - by patriarchal design).

Furthermore, Clinton’s welfare-“reform” redistributed welfare funds (previously meant for mothers and their children), and redistributed these funds to help deadbeat dads (which ended my political support for the Clintons, because Hillary also supported this patriarchal bullsh*t policy) - it actually ended my support for democrats, I became a staunch democratic socialist and was further radicalized in my feminism).

Bottomline, systemic patriarchy sets mothers up for failure and then blames them for it. Stop perpetuating this cycle with mother-blame.

She said estrangements do happens there, but it is rare. She did make the point that there’s a difference when family disagreements are about how uncle Bob drank too much at a wedding and acting a fool, verses uncle Bob supporting a rapist-president and supports the loss of women’s fundamental rights.

It’s as if capitalism divides families and democratic socialism fosters family ties. Before people come after me (like they did previously), I do understand that Norway isn’t officially a democratic socialist country, so I use democratic socialism loosely in this context of strong social programs and progressive policies. What I mean is an economy that includes strong social safety nets and strong protections for fundamental rights and freedoms. Norway is among the most woman-friendly countries. When women are happy, there’s far fewer family division.

It’s “interesting” (not surprising) that family estrangement is rapidly rising in America at a time when fascism is rising and so is systemic misogyny. What I don’t understand is how otherwise intelligent younger adults are not connecting these dots. Their refusal to even consider this theory absolutely drives me insane and it makes me question their ability to think critically.

I don’t understand how younger adults are not connecting the dots of mother-blame/shame, and deep family division, to systemic misogyny and patriarchy, which are significant tools under capitalism.

Some people will read this and completely dismiss my words. They will say some dumb shit like “well, going no contact with my mom was the best decision I’ve ever made” - but was it really though? Or, do you just need to keep telling yourself this because the pain that you caused her, and your family, might be too much to bear (if you actually considered how you may have been used in a capitalist pawn)?

Look, we ALL know that there’s exceptions and that there are cases where estrangement might be appropriate, but 40% of families is not the exception, it’s a trend, and it’s intentionally being pushed.

We already know that the United States government uses social media to manipulate social narratives, Trump and musk pretty much admitted it. How are people not understanding how the rise in cutting mothers out, erasing mothers, aligns with the rise in the bigger war against women?

Sure, estrangement “has always been around”, but the difference is that it used to be largely targeted at deadbeat/absentee/abusive fathers, not mothers who stayed (whether or not she “failed” as a single mother - or the perception of failure under patriarchy/capitalism).

I actually support estrangement against bad dads. No man, on the face of this earth, has ever sacrificed his body, his health, his future, his income potential, or his life, to give life to his child - not a single god damn man (or “father” - sperm provider) has ever made any of these sacrifices. Therefore, for men (for “fathers”), things like a fair amount of regular child support (not $100/month), and stepping up to be an active father, and respectful of the mother, etc., are the absolute BARE MINIMUM for any man who helped create the child - it’s the god damn bare minimum for him, yet most American fathers massively fail (while grown children are conditioned to blame their mothers).

It’s single mothers who are blamed when the father leaves the mother to raise the child in poverty and/or leaves the mother to be both a mother and a father, when the job of parenting was never meant to be shouldered solely on just one person. God forbid that any mother act like an average father and not completely sacrifice herself for motherhood, then she is really hated by her grown kids.

God forbid that a mother try to have a life outside of motherhood, like just about all fathers, especially single fathers, do. She will be accused of being “selfish”, or “putting a man before her kids”, when it’s actually fathers who overwhelmingly move on to new relationships much faster than mothers do. I’ve never met a father who truly sacrificed everything about himself for fatherhood, not a single one. Yet, nobody resents him for not doing so, especially not his kids.

What’s worse is when there’s an abusive father involved and the grown kid says stupid shit like “well, my mom was equally as bad as my dad” 🙄. What they mean is that their mom did not sacrifice every god damn thing about herself, for motherhood - even though she was NOT abusive - but the kid equates her unwillingness to sacrifice her humanity as the same as their abusive father’s actions and behaviors. Or, they actually blame their mother for their father’s bad behaviors.

In countries where there’s strong social safety programs, strong emphasis on quality family time instead of working 40-80 hours a week, where mothers are treated like full human beings - you will then find far less family estrangements (especially against mothers).

Patriarchy/misogyny is fueling the rise in American family estrangement against mothers. Patriarchy/misogyny, mother-blame, and the erasure of mothers in the lives of adult children, are absolutely tools of capitalism, and especially fascism. While our government is pushing the Handmaids Tale, America grown children are cutting off their mother in droves.

My question is how are otherwise “woke” (intelligent/educated/progressive) younger American adults too stupid to connect these dots?!?!? It should be so fucking obvious by now. Then again, a lot of things should be fucking obvious by now - but so many Americans continue to look away.

Ask yourselves, why are democratic socialist (or very progressive) countries not dealing with these problems, at least not on an epidemic level, like America is? Family estrangement is now affecting about 40% of American families, this is WAY beyond individual experiences of “childhood trauma”.

The vast majority of new estrangement involve “going no contact” against a mother. Statistically, most of these targeted mothers were single mothers during all, or part, of their childhood. These are mothers who were not with their father. This is the same demographic of women that the U.S. government has targeted for the past four decades.

Please at least consider this theory.

He cut my parents off too, he said it was to further punish me, so that I could watch my parents grieve the loss of their relationship with him. I was 15 when I gave birth, so they were like his co-parents.

However, my son is married to another man (for context, I’ve always been extremely supportive of my son’s identity/orientation, his choices, and his lifestyle- so, this was never an issue), so it’s highly unlikely they will have any children of their own. Sure, they have options, it’s possible, but the millennial generation isn’t having as many children as previous generations - so they may never understand, especially not the gay adult sons who never have children.

Gay adult sons will never know what it’s like for women to survive single motherhood under patriarchy. At least some adult daughters do have some understanding of patriarchy/misogyny, even if they refuse to apply this understanding to their own mothers.

By the way, his deadbeat (my rapist) had called him the derogatory f-word (used to describe gay males in a derogatory way), but my son forgave him, but my son refused to forgive my mistakes.

My son blamed me for literally everything and said that my rape was my experience with him and that it had nothing to do with him 😞.

As far as I know, my son continues to practice behavioral therapy at a major hospital in Northern California. I’m sure some of his clients are rape survivors who have no idea that their therapist aligned himself with his mother’s rapist and blamed his mother for her rape.

I decided to go back to college to pursue the MFT degree (marriage and family therapy), which I am getting straight As in. However, at my age, I’m rethinking my degree because I could get a master’s with a different degree much faster. As for now, I’m currently in the program. The program does not encourage estrangement, quite the opposite, it’s about navigating family systems. The LCSW program may be different (which is the program my son completed).

Therapists should not be in the business of dividing families, this should be against the code of ethics. I would suggest that it is against the code of ethics for any therapist to engage in family division (with the exception of urgent safety concerns). I don’t know why estranged parents haven’t tried challenging the code of ethics and the licensing boards for therapists.

Although, I don’t necessarily blame therapy for the rise in family estrangements (this rise is especially directed at mothers), I blame the rise in patriarchy and misogyny, which popularized mother-blame/shame.

However, I do think many younger therapists (millennial therapists and Gen Z) use their degrees as weapons (my son definitely did). My son used his degree to “diagnose” me and to get others to turn against me (I was not his client and, therefore, this was also highly unethical). My son also tried to talk my husband into divorcing me (my husband is also a therapist and he saw right through him).

Before the estrangement, my son also said that his therapist (a male therapist) also encouraged him to cut me off. If this is true, his therapist never met me, and only heard my son’s version of the story. It should be the professional responsibility of the therapist to remain neutral while helping the client manage their emotions and to foster healing.

Therapy should never be about diagnosing someone who is not in the room, nor has ever participated in any of the sessions (again, this should be against the code of ethics).

Therapy also should not be about throwing preverbal darts at one’s mother. It should be about managing the client’s own emotions and feelings, which has nothing to do with other people. A therapist should never diagnose someone they have never met. By encouraging cut offs, therapists are creating mental health issues for the person (usually a parent) being cut off, without any consequences for causing it (again, this should be against the code of ethics). The goal should be about creating HEALTHIER relationships whenever possible, not division. Estrangement is now affecting about 40% of American families, so this is obviously about trends and social media influence.

The goal of therapy should never be to divide families, or use somone’s mother as an emotional dart board. It is lazy therapy to scapegoat mothers this way (which is especially common among adult males, fueled by the woman-blame of social media man-o-spheres, often including in the gay male community).

Therapy should be about helping the client manage his own feelings and emotions. Sure, this may include “boundaries”, or “self-care”, but not in ways that are used to weaponize these relationships.

I think we have a lot of therapists practicing therapy who simply should not be therapists! Unfortunately, family estrangement is very popular AND very profitable. When therapists tell their clients what that client wants to hear, instead of actually practicing therapy, the client may feel validated, but validation is not the same as therapy.

Therapists are also using their title to promote their own biases. They are weaponizing their profession, and this is very much a problem. It’s not necessarily therapy that is the problem, it’s the type of people who are misusing their profession. This coupled with the influence of social media and validation-culture (again, validation - telling clients what they want to hear - is not the same as therapy). Validation is lazy therapy, especially if the validation stems from the therapist’s own biases.

In the past, therapists were usually male and these men typically blamed mothers for everything. The industry is deeply rooted in misogyny (but so are most fields in the United States). The problem is that, instead of challenging these misogynistic practices, female therapists too often continue these misogynistic practices. The same generations that seem so much more “woke” (progressive), are still very backwards in their thinking when it comes to misogyny and patriarchy, especially involving the roles of parents. They know what patriarchy is, but throw it all out the window when it comes to how they view their own parents.

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

However, at least I no longer see pro-Trump banners displayed. The last one standing appeared to have been removed about a month ago (our next door neighbor displayed one up until about a few months ago). I think people really underestimate just how many right-wingers there are in California.

Sure, my area has historically been known to be one of the most conservative in California (I haven’t always lived here but returned after issues with my adult son prompted a drastic move and the area is affordable and safer than comparable areas, it’s also near my parents). However, I have also lived in Southern California (born and raised) and in the Sacramento area, and there were way too many right-wingers in those areas too.

Although, I worked in healthcare, and, unfortunately, healthcare seemed to draw MAGA people, particularly MAGA women. However, I did notice that the more educated the woman was, the less likely she was had far-right views. Most of the MAGA-appearing women were appointment schedulers, medical assistants, or LVNs, and some were nurses, but lesser educated than the female physicians. Of course we avoided politics altogether, while at work (or at least most of us did - I had to avoid politics because my opinions were considered “extreme” and I learned from past negative experiences to keep my opinions to myself while at work). I am sure everyone knows what I mean when I say that you can tell who is MAGA and who isn’t, without overtly speaking politics, especially when working so closely with these people on a daily basis, although one in particular was very unprofessionally vocal about her MAGA support, was heavily into QAnon at that time, constantly played videos, and she apparently never got into trouble for it.

My point with my rambling is that California is not really that liberal or progressive. There’s pockets of areas with people who tend to lean democrat, but, in my opinion, this does not make them progressive. I feel that democrats ceased being progressive back when Clinton was elected, but it should be obvious to all liberal voters by now (that democrats are NOT progressive). Republicans moved towards fascism, but democrats moved towards the right.

There’s areas in California that are LGBTQ friendly, and these areas get tagged as “progressive”. Although this community does tend to vote democrat, this doesn’t make them progressive. I have met a lot of people from this community who may vote democrat but still hold very regressive views about topics that are not directly related to their community.

For instance, misogyny and patriarchy remains a major problem among gay males. It isn’t as noticed because their style of misogyny and patriarchy looks very different than that of MAGA, but it’s equally damaging to women. Unfortunately, even the lesbian community isn’t even immune to internalized misogyny, as some masculine-identifying women take on those misogynistic stereotypes.

Folks performing drag also often perpetuate stereotypes about women, for “entertainment”. Unfortunately, liberal democrats applaud this type of misogyny and patriarchy instead of calling it out, because they don’t want to be viewed as “bigots” or discriminatory against the LGBTQ community, but this only perpetuates misogyny in these communities.

There’s also a lot of the “log cabin” gay male community, which are gay men who vote Republican. This is very common in more affluent areas like Palm Springs. They support rights for other gay men but this is where their “progressive” views end. These men also tend to have extremely misogynistic views about “cis” women. These are often affluent white men who are extremely right-right about economic issues, particularly those impacting women. A lot of these men also vote “pro-life” (we know it’s not about being pro-life, it’s about hatred for women).

Even in diverse communities, of all types of racial and ethnic backgrounds, misogyny continues to persist. These communities may still vote democrat, which really doesn’t mean progressive anymore. Democrats are the new Republicans, while Republicans are the new fascists. For example, we now know that misogyny was rampant during the Black Lives Matter movement. I attended the protests in Sacramento and the local “leftists” (not sure how affiliated they were with BLM - but they were part of the BLM protests) propped up male speakers who had a verifiable history of rape and/or domestic violence. When speaking on women’s issues, they only featured a known rapist (who had been recently arrested for domestic violence against his sister and his mother) and a black transwoman, to speak on women’s issues. The rapist (or “alleged rapist” - not sure if he was convicted) was reportedly the brother of the young man who had been murdered by police, and so we can debate whether his history should have been considered, but no biological woman was given the microphone to speak on women’s issues (including no black woman). When I called this out, I was labeled as a “bigot” and was told that “transwomen are more of a real woman than cis women are”. I was tagged as a “radical feminist” and asked to not participate in local leftist organizations. Participating in politics was one of the major reasons for moving there in the first place - so I felt lost.

It should also be noted that I did not see any of these “far-leftists” at the Women’s March in Sacramento. Perhaps some were there, but their wide support for women’s rights was definitely lacking. In fact, many of them mocked it as a “white women’s march” and boycotted it.

My point is that misogyny and patriarchy runs very deep on both sides, even though it looks very different. Racism is also used to divide on both sides. Simply voting democrat is also NOT the same as voting progressive. Like I said, democrats are the new Republicans, while Republicans are the new fascists. Often on my timeline, the “vote blue no matter who” folks echo the very same rhetoric that the Reagan-republicans echoed in the 1980s. Of course I’ll never vote republican, but I am very done with “voting blue no matter who”. I did this, while holding my nose, with all the recent past elections in attempt to avoid what is happening now. However, voting against my values did nothing to stop this and it only forced me to vote against my own beliefs.

Moving forward, I will only be voting blue if the candidate is female. However, I will vote for the democratic socialist regardless of gender, because this country desperately needs to abandon both mainstream political parties. Democrats need to start embracing democratic socialism. However, even democratic socialists need to keep their misogyny in check and socialist women need to call them out!

I truly hate this narrative. It suggests that parents, especially single mothers, cease being adult humans simply because they are a single parent.

I've never met a single mom who actually did “choose a man over her children” but just about every single mom I've met has been accused of it (unless she completely stopped dating - but then she's often accused of being overly involved with her kids - “toxic”).

Look, I understand the concern for the safety of children because a man in the home, sadly, does indeed put children in that home at risk, but this should mean that men are held to a higher standard - and not blaming women for the bad behaviors of men.

It's always mothers who are criticized for getting involved in a new relationship, rarely fathers. Meanwhile, it's far more likely for a single father to get involved in a new relationship and this new woman often is expected to perform the day-to-day parenting of the kid he had with someone else (often resentfully), and nobody says anything about it.

Interestingly, mothers who are married to the biological father seem to complety evade this scrutiny, and of course the fathers are always immune to any scrutiny involving their romantic relationships. Rarely are these married mothers scrutinized for putting their relationship (with their children’s biological father) before the children, even if she does center him. It seems as though this scrutiny is reserved solely for mothers who are no longer with the biological father - single mothers (of course).

I didn't date for the vast majority of my son’s childhood but the second I did, he deeply resented me for it. However, he seemed to have no problem searching for, and finding, my rapist (his deadbeat bio) and forgiving him for everything (while blaming me for everything). My rapist has something like eight, or more, children with at least four women (two who were teen girls at the time), with my son being the first.

As far as I know, my rapist has ALWAYS prioritized the relationship with whomever he was having sex with, over the basic needs of the children and he was never held accountable - and nothing has changed 38 years later (expect for my son not talking to me and choosing to sympathize with a rapist).

It seems that society punishes single mothers for everything, to include simply for being heterosexual and the very human need for adult companionship. Adult companionship is literally a basic need for adult humans, crucial for healthy adult development. To expect mothers to live solely for their children is cruel and inhumane (age-appropriate of course).

Try telling a single father to not date until his children finish college, and are out of his home, he would laugh in your face. Nobody holds fathers to this standard either. His children normally don't put this expectation on him, but children sure do with their single mother (and so does society in general - very much so).

The idea that single mothers are expected to live solely for their child/ren, at least until these children have graduated college, otherwise they are risking full scrutiny and being accused of “putting a man before her kids” or being “male-centered”, or being completely cut off, is the epitome of sexism and misogyny, because this is the same as saying that single mothers are not fully human and cease being fully human. This suggest that only fathers are allowed to be fully human.

I've never heard any adult child scrutinize their father for being “female-centered” (never even heard of a father being too “female-centered”), or rarely, “putting a woman before his children”. However, this is constantly stated about single mothers. I've known numerous single mothers throughout my lifetime (now in my mid-fifties), and not one actually put a man over her kids, but all of them have been accused of it on some level. However, of course any single parent should use commonsense when dating, but this should go for single dads as well.

I have known many men who disappeared after impregnating multiple women and girls, and then later are forgiven by their adult offspring. This, while their adult offspring blame their mother for everything.

Most estranged mothers were single mothers during some point of their estranged offspring’s life. The most common complaint about these mothers, from their resentful adult child, is that she did not sacrifice herself enough for motherhood 🙄. Apparently, risking her future, her career, her body, her health, and her life, to give life, wasn't nearly enough to have some appreciation for her, over a “father” who couldn't even be bothered to pay $100 a month in child support. Rarely are fathers scrutinized for their relationships, not even the absentee/deadbeat fathers who go on to create multiple families. Adult children are often the worst perpetrators of this double standard and gender-based inequality.

Furthermore, it's not healthy for children to always be the center of their parent’s world. Children should be taught that their parents, including, maybe even especially, their mother, is deserving of a life of her own outside of parenthood. Children should be taught that they are not the only people who matter in a family (within reason and age appropriate, of course).

I have noticed that when a parent does completely center their child, solely lives for that child, that child often grows up to be self-centered, spoiled, and very demanding of their parent. They were never taught that they aren't the center of the universe and they were never taught to consider the feelings of everyone in the family, including their mother. This can damage the future mother/adult-child relationship because mom is essentially viewed as the older/adult child’s servant, expected to live solely for her child, and not a human being with her own needs.

Parents who overly center their children are not doing society favors, nor are they doing their child any favors. All persons in a family are human and are deserving of a full life, taking into consideration the age and needs of the child - of course.

Start holding all men (dads and their sons) to a higher standard, period. Parental gender-based inequality is where the term “patriarchy” originated from. Adult children can be the worst perpetrators of this inequality, maybe not intentially, but through these double standards.

When a problematic woman passes away, they are often the first to speak negatively about her, often with the applause of many others, especially if she was known to be a “bad mom”, “vain”, “opinionated”, or simply “unlikeable”. This is especially true if it was their own mother that they deeply resented.

There's many grown children who have profited off of books, written about how awful their dead mother was. I can't think of any written about a dead father - I am sure there are such books, but it's not as common, nor as socially-embraced (to write books about bad dead dads). Most of these authors, who write books (speaking ill of dead mothers), also received a ton of social praise and support. Examples of these authors include; Jeanette McCurdy “I'm glad my mother died”, Sherman Alexie, Christina Crawford, Joan Rough, and Alyse Myers. In my research, there were a mix of female and male authors who wrote books about how awful their dead mother was.

I wonder if these same dudes and male/centered women would have said the same things - “don't speak ill about the dead” - about horrific historical figures, like Hitler, but I very much suspect that they would have and I suspect they will say the same when the orange rapist departs this world. They seem to think they are morally superior for their stance, but they are simply just perpetuating patriarchy and erasing history. Death is the most important time to speak about a person’s truthful legacy. If this bothers people, then life is a good time to change course. If we can't speak honestly and openly about a man after he dies, then we can't move forward and do better. This is what history textbooks are all about, but also aren't always factual because of American misogyny and racism that continues to protect bad men, even those who died many generations ago.

Tying this all to patriarchy, it's sociologically interesting to me. Under a patriarchal system, created by men and for men - our death culture, under patriarchy, is very interesting. Patriarchal attitudes very much continue even after we die.

In American society, families who endured decades of abuse by bad fathers will too often fiercely protect his name after his death, as they often did in his life, but his reputation almost seems redeemed in his death. His family will often just solely focus on the good, even if they have to complety re-write the family narrative, this is especially common in patriarchal cultures like the Mexican culture. Any trauma the man caused is often minimized, erased, or blamed on someone else (usually a woman). Family members will often bond over their mutual re-write of this patriarchal family narrative to make him much less of a bad man.

Disclaimer, I have absolutely zero tolerance for comments like “but it's cultural”, so don't bother. Patriarchy is part of nearly all cultures, globally, and very much including the “culture” of white people, and it should be considered among the “generational curses” that younger adults should be ending, regardless of race, skin color, culture, or ethnicity. Patriarchy should never be protected in the name of “culture” or “religion”, and it should be a priority of everyone to be breaking this cycle. There are certain cultures and religions that are most resistant to change, which is why I call them out. Instead of breaking the generational cycles of patriarchy, too many younger adults seem to prefer breaking their relationships with their mothers, or blaming her for everything - which patriarchy loves to see. They are actually perpetrating the cycle of patriarchy.

On the flip side (of praising bad dads after their death), it's often the opposite for mothers under patriarchy. When a less-than-ideal mother passes away, family members often focus on supporting each other for “surviving their trauma” and the negative narrative about her often is even highly embellished. Family members often bond in their mutual anguish and resentment toward her. This, despite whether their father was even much worse.

As someone who is hyper aware of patriarchy and how it impacts every aspect of our lives (and our deaths), I don't buy into the “don't speak ill of the dead” narratives, especially when the dead is a man who intentionally caused a lot of people a lot of unnecessary pain - which obviously includes politicians, but also bad dads, bad husbands, and bad adult sons, etc.

I will “die on the hill” of how you treat people in life is how you should be treated in death. Death does not change who the person was. However, I also choose compassion, especially for women/mothers living under patriarchy and will be much more empathetic for women. I am less compassionate or empathetic towards men, under patriarchy (especially bio fathers), because they had the advantages/benefits that women/mothers never had. If this bothers men, then they should be working to end patriarchy, which is the only first step towards equality.

Equality cannot exist under patriarchy, including death culture. A man denying his advantages under patriarchy does not change the fact that he still has these advantages. I just wish his family members would understand this more often - I wish society would understand this.

I don’t understand how, or why, the younger generation (especially the women of the younger generation) are not connecting these dots to patriarchy. The devaluation of motherhood is exactly in line with the devaluation of women. Estrangement against mothers is rising with the maternal mortality rate and deaths from abortion bans. Our society does not value mothers, we are viewed as incubators and our children are also being influenced to devalue their mothers and to view them as objects solely existing to serve them throughout their lives. Mothers have been dehumanized.

I always thought younger generations of adults were smarter than this, but even with their higher education (more educated then previous generations), they appear easily influenced by social media and they refuse to connect any of these dots, many won’t even consider this because of their cognitive dissonance with the topic. Furthermore, recent studies suggest that today’s young adult males are even MORE misogynistic than “boomer” or Gen X males, which also validates my argument.

I can understand the estrangements against deadbeat/absentee/abusive “fathers”, this makes sense, but these same young adults often seem very willing to easily forgive these pieces of shit “men”, sperm providers, and totally excuse their bad behaviors - or worse, they blame their mothers for their bio “father’s” bad behaviors, while blaming their mothers for absolutely everything that went wrong (even though the choices and behaviors of the “fathers” were usually at the root of all the problems during their “traumatic” childhoods).

The term “patriarchy” is literally coined from the gender inequality of parenthood, and the oppression of mothers - this is literally where the term comes from. Yet, I continue to debate this topic with women who claim to be feminists and insist that “patriarchy has nothing to do with it” - all I ask is for them to Google the term and its origins. Patriarchy has everything to do with it.

I’m not suggesting that every estranged adult child rush to make amends, because every situation is different and it’s not my place to tell strangers what they should do. I am suggesting that every estranged adult child try viewing their mother, and her lack of choices and/or understanding/resources, through the lens of patriarchy. Unlike dads, the motherhood penalty is very real (even the worst of dads are rewarded in our society, while even the best of mothers are punished). The gender wage gap is also very real and poverty is the number one indicator of household stress and negative outcomes.

Currently, American “fathers” owe well over $120 BILLION in court ordered, but unpaid, child support, and most of these orders were set at bare minimum (less than half of the child’s expenses - less than half of YOUR expenses). The actual number is actually much higher because most deadbeats either don’t have an order against them or shirked it for many years of the child’s life. The number is also from older data because this current regime won’t release current and accurate data because it goes against their anti-woman and pro-birth agenda. If more women understood how horrible motherhood is, BECAUSE of patriarchal American culture, even fewer would have babies. Why would any woman risk her future, her career, her body, her health, and her life, just to give life to a child who is more likely to blame her for everything that might go wrong (especially if she is a single mother and gives birth to a son, adult sons are far more likely to blame their mothers for everything, especially if she was a single mother - a direct influential result of our patriarchal culture in the United States).

Then, our society expects mothers, including very young mothers, to still hold it all together solo, in poverty, without any emotional reaction, and without ever “bringing another man around the child”. In other words, mothers are expected to act as though they aren’t even human beings, or they risk being cut off by their children. This after living a life of hell as a single mother.

This is absolutely the epitome of patriarchal bullshit.

Meanwhile, I hear crickets about all of us paying for things like the White House ballroom, the reflection pool, the hillbilly wrestling match at the White House, unnecessary wars, the$300 BILLION “reconstruction” check to Iran, tax cuts to the rich, and so on….

American men are destroying - already have destroyed- this country. Okay, sure, not all, there’s no absolutes, but I would have to question the “not all men” argument because even “the good ones” really aren’t good. How can I say this? Well, a good man would be actively holding the bad men accountable and would be fighting for a more equitable system instead of defending it. Even the “good ones” really aren’t doing anything to change the system (especially not the parts that they think benefits them). They are supposed to be “the protectors” but won’t even protect women from our own tyrannical government. They won’t even protect the basic bodily autonomy of women.

Many men, especially leftist men, claim they are advocates fighting for a better system - until you actively engage in conversation with them. Most of them are only interested in upholding a “kinder” patriarchal system that still places the working class man at the top. Although I am a socialist, I know that many socialist men also feel this way.

Leftist men are also misogynistic, but in a “kinder and gentler” way. They certainly don’t want women so empowered that they no longer can exploit them for sex, and they certainly want to maintain a sense of dominance and control of the assets/finances when their relationships fail, etc. Leftist men still want to maintain a level of tradition when it involves parenting and double standards in the household - they particularly want to uphold mother-blame/shame.

At their core, leftist men are really no different than MAGA. I learned this the hardest way, by experiencing it firsthand from leftist men in my life who I once loved and/or very much respected (including from a closet family member, which devastated me).

For example, leftist men will claim to value “equality” then turn around and blame/shame their single mother for everything and accuse her of being “unfit” or “toxic” when she was still a way better parent than his absentee/deadbeat biological father was. They still want to be able to hold their mothers to a much higher standard than their biological fathers because they know they benefit from this system.

Men are the problem, but it isn’t just MAGA men. I encourage women to engage in deep conversations with their leftist male friends/family members, I promise you that you will be “enlightened” (disgusted) by their responses - if they are being truly honest.

Female leadership is the only way out of this. Women aren’t perfect, we’ve had to grow up and raise children under patriarchy, which has affected each of us in different ways, but we must start somewhere. Let’s start by no longer holding female candidates to a different standard than the men (such as what happened to Harris, for example).

Black women have particularly demonstrated their superb leadership skills (black women were the least likely to have voted for Trump, across all demographics). Black women are becoming the most educated American population. It’s time to trust black women.

Trump was a known rapist when he was “elected”, and although we all know that he likely cheated in some way (he pretty much admitted to it), we also know that a large percentage of the population supported him, including way too many white women.

Even in my community, there were at least one or two houses on most streets (in Northern California) that displayed yard flags, banners, and bumper stickers proudly supporting Trump, a rapist. Even though he likely cheated, way too many Americans also supported an ignorant - racist - rapist for president, over a highly qualified and intelligent black woman, mocking her laugh and the way she speaks.

We must start trusting and believing women. We must start seeing through all men for what they really are. I understand that most women will never stop valuing their relationships with their husbands, their sons, or their fathers, and I’m not asking for women to stop valuing these relationships. I am asking women to start trusting women to lead this country - even the women who might have an “annoying laugh” or, gasp, the women who may not be perfect.

….oh sweetie, but this post isn’t about the exception, it’s about the rule 🙄.

Why would you carry water for the patriarchy by projecting the “but some women do it too” narrative on to a post that was meant to hold men accountable 🙄?

Are you educated? ….because, if you were, then you’d know that, statistically, the numbers don’t compare - deadbeat dads far exceed deadbeat moms. In the United States, collectively, deadbeat dads owe over $120 BILLION in court ordered, but unpaid, child support, and most of these orders were set at bare minimum, meaning, below 50% (below half) of the child’s expenses - meaning that dads are doing even less than the bare minimum.

This $120 billion number is likely way below the actual amount, as the current administration isn’t honest about this type of information and they do not release accurate information to the public.

Furthermore, under patriarchy, women could not even apply for a business license, at least not without a male co-signer, until 1988, and jobs for women were way-underpaid. The gender wage gap has widened (gotten worse) under the current administration.

Why should any mother pay half (or anything, honestly) when she was (still is) systemically denied her full income potential? -especially when men intentionally set this system up for their benefit? Under patriarchy, a man’s bare minimum should be to pay all the child’s expenses, especially since mom did all the unpaid physical labor, but, statistically, dads aren't even expected to pay half of the average costs to raise a child (the majority of child support orders are far less than half), but they even pay less than their court order (that’s if they pay at all).

Additionally, the systemic gender-wage-gap and the motherhood-penalty drastically affected the incomes of mothers and any potential of generational wealth for women, overall. The motherhood penalty is the most severe for single mothers. Again, men/fathers had the economic head start, and still do.

Men/fathers had a massive advantage because they created the system for their benefit. Even for men/fathers who claim to be “struggling” (playing the victim), these men have a much higher advantage under the patriarchal system, a system that favors any father (even bad fathers) over any mother (and god help her if she is perceived as a “bad mom”, as most single mothers are perceived this way).

Of course many women pay less when they don’t have custody, as they should, and it’s because THE MEN created the patriarchal system to ensure that women are economically disenfranchised as much as possible (it's still happening, the gender-wage-gap has widened under the current administration).

You see, under patriarchy, “50/50” simply is not possible when women, especially mothers, are systemically disenfranchised/marginalized. There's no “equality” between parents under patriarchy. There's no equality under systemic inequality.

“But patriarchy/feminism has nothing to do with parenthood” 🙄🤦‍♀️🙄

-The definition of patriarchy is literally rooted in the extreme gender inequality of parenthood and the marginalization of mothers, it's literally where the term (and male-centered structure) originated from. Patriarchy literally means literally means "the rule of the father”. Mothers (particularly single mothers) are the most marginalized of all women.

Even iin situations where mom doesn't have custody, I bet these non-custodial mothers still do more of the unpaid labor than the custodial fathers do, or the father’s new wife (or his mother, sister, etc.) does it all. It’s not common for a mom’s new husband/boyfriend to do unpaid labor, and, even if he is willing to, which is rare, it’s mom who gets vilified for “bringing a man around the kid” (even though fathers are far more likely to move on to a new relationship at a faster rate, these women usually do all the unpaid labor for the father - and dad is the one more likely to bring a stranger into the lives of the children and cause disruption).

The issue here is patriarchy. Why are you empathizing with a demographic that intentionally created the patriarchal system, by men - for men - just because fathers play the victim, under a system men created?!?!?

A while back, CNN released a study indicating that the incomes and social status of men increases with fatherhood, but the exact opposite is true for women when they become mothers. This study indicated that single mothers were the least paid of all parents, the most marginalized, and the most discriminated against, both professionally and socially. Again, there's no equality under inequality - so “50/50” is impossible.

To add insult to injury, you seem to completely ignore the fact that ALL mothers (even the moms perceived as “bad moms”) risked/sacrificed their bodies, their health, their future, their academic potential, and their career potential (all mothers are at risk of reduced income during and after pregnancy - often permanently), and they risked their lives, just to give life to the child - so, of course all mothers should pay less (or not at all). Mothers already did all the unpaid physical labor. Money is the bare minimum that fathers should provide, since they don't risk their lives in pregnancy/childbirth. What the f*ck did dad sacrifice?!?!? Absolutely NOTHING.

What is infuriating is that adult children continue to disproportionately blame their mothers for everything, when their mothers simply tried to survive under a system that was designed against them (especially single mothers). For single mothers, the system was intention designed to set them up for failure (then single mothers are blamed for this perceived failure).

Statistically, dads don't even sacrifice their money for their child (even though moms sacrificed their bodies/lives). Dads don't even pay less than half of the child’s expenses (not even less than the bare minimum). Statistically, American non-custodial fathers pay less than their child support order (which is usually set well-below half of the average costs of raising a kid), or skip months/years at a time (this is if they pay anything at all).

Please stop embarrassing yourself and do some research before commenting on these topics.

….oh sweetie, but this post isn’t about the exception, it’s about the rule 🙄.

Why would you carry water for the patriarchy by projecting the “but some women do it too” narrative on to a post that was meant to hold men accountable 🙄?

Are you educated? ….because, if you were, then you’d know that, statistically, the numbers don’t compare - deadbeat dads far exceed deadbeat moms. In the United States, collectively, deadbeat dads owe over $120 BILLION in court ordered, but unpaid, child support, and most of these orders were set at bare minimum, meaning, below 50% (below half) of the child’s expenses - meaning that dads are doing even less than the bare minimum.

This $120 billion number is likely way below the actual amount, as the current administration isn’t honest about this type of information and they do not release accurate information to the public.

Furthermore, under patriarchy, women could not even apply for a business license, at least not without a male co-signer, until 1988, and jobs for women were way-underpaid. The gender wage gap has widened (gotten worse) under the current administration.

Why should any mother pay half (or anything, honestly) when she was (still is) systemically denied her full income potential? -especially when men intentionally set this system up for their benefit? Under patriarchy, a man’s bare minimum should be to pay all the child’s expenses, especially since mom did all the unpaid physical labor, but, statistically, dads aren't even expected to pay half of the average costs to raise a child (the majority of child support orders are far less than half), but they even pay less than their court order (that’s if they pay at all).

Additionally, the systemic gender-wage-gap and the motherhood-penalty drastically affected the incomes of mothers and any potential of generational wealth for women, overall. The motherhood penalty is the most severe for single mothers. Again, men/fathers had the economic head start, and still do.

Men/fathers had a massive advantage because they created the system for their benefit. Even for men/fathers who claim to be “struggling” (playing the victim), these men have a much higher advantage under the patriarchal system, a system that favors any father (even bad fathers) over any mother (and god help her if she is perceived as a “bad mom”, as most single mothers are perceived this way).

Of course many women pay less when they don’t have custody, as they should, and it’s because THE MEN created the patriarchal system to ensure that women are economically disenfranchised as much as possible (it's still happening, the gender-wage-gap has widened under the current administration).

You see, under patriarchy, “50/50” simply is not possible when women, especially mothers, are systemically disenfranchised/marginalized. There's no “equality” between parents under patriarchy. There's no equality under systemic inequality.

“But patriarchy/feminism has nothing to do with parevthiod” 🙄🤦‍♀️🙄

-The definition of patriarchy is literally rooted in the extreme gender inequality of parenthood and the marginalization of mothers, it's literally where the term (and male-centered structure) originated from. Patriarchy literally means literally means "the rule of the father”. Mothers (particularly single mothers) are the most marginalized of all women.

Even iin situations where mom doesn't have custody, I bet these non-custodial mothers still do more of the unpaid labor than the custodial fathers do, or the father’s new wife (or his mother, sister, etc.) does it all. It’s not common for a mom’s new husband/boyfriend to do unpaid labor, and, even if he is willing to, which is rare, it’s mom who gets vilified for “bringing a man around the kid” (even though fathers are far more likely to move on to a new relationship at a faster rate, these women usually do all the unpaid labor for the father - and dad is the one more likely to bring a stranger into the lives of the children and cause disruption).

The issue here is patriarchy. Why are you empathizing with a demographic that intentionally created the patriarchal system, by men - for men - just because fathers play the victim, under a system men created?!?!?

A while back, CNN released a study indicating that the incomes and social status of men increases with fatherhood, but the exact opposite is true for women when they become mothers. This study indicated that single mothers were the least paid of all parents, the most marginalized, and the most discriminated against, both professionally and socially. Again, there's no equality under inequality - so “50/50” is impossible.

To add insult to injury, you seem to completely ignore the fact that ALL mothers (even the moms perceived as “bad moms”) risked/sacrificed their bodies, their health, their future, their academic potential, and their career potential (all mothers are at risk of reduced income during and after pregnancy - often permanently), and they risked their lives, just to give life to the child - so, of course all mothers should pay less (or not at all). Mothers already did all the unpaid physical labor. Money is the bare minimum that fathers should provide, since they don't risk their lives in pregnancy/childbirth. What the f*ck did dad sacrifice?!?!? Absolutely NOTHING.

What is infuriating is that adult children continue to disproportionately blame their mothers for everything, when their mothers simply tried to survive under a system that was designed against them (especially single mothers). For single mothers, the system was intention designed to set them up for failure (then single mothers are blamed for this perceived failure).

Statistically, dads don't even sacrifice their money for their child (even though moms sacrificed their bodies/lives). Dads don't even pay less than half of the child’s expenses (not even less than the bare minimum). Statistically, American non-custodial fathers pay less than their child support order (which is usually set well-below half of the average costs of raising a kid), or skip months/years at a time (this is if they pay anything at all).

Please stop embarrassing yourself and do some research before commenting on these topics.

Back in the early 90s, I was a young single mother. I was struggling on every level. I attended several churches looking for a message of hope and comfort, but all I heard was the far-right political rhetoric being repeated in the name of “god” (misogyny). The bashing of “single moms on welfare” or “welfare queens” was their favorite topic. Of course, this misogynistic rhetoric was also repeated in pop culture as well, and by the politicians. Even fictional characters, like television character Murphy Brown, was criticized by politicians because she portrayed single motherhood in a positive way.

Then we now wonder, as a society, why the perception is that “kids do worse in single mother households” or why so many millennial adults (who were young and impressionable kids during this era) now despise their mothers. These kids (now millennial adults) were conditioned by every aspect of society to hate or blame their single mothers. By the way, kids actually don’t do worse in single mother households, they do worse in impoverished and unsupported households - which are disproportionately single mother households (there’s a big difference).

I grew up in a two parent household, a household with a dad who, although wasn’t necessarily a loyal church-goer, he obsessively studied the Bible in his free time and would always try his best to include us kids. I have read the Bible and have extensively studied it, so I knew that this growing hatred in American society for single mothers was/is not Bible-based (although, the Bible is indeed misogynistic as fuck - but the hate specifically towards single mothers still is not Bible based).

Back in the early 90s, when I attended church, I was astonished when I saw how, sometimes hundreds, of people in the congregation, were eating up and praising every word, saying “Amen” to all the woman-hating rhetoric (including the women). There I was, a young single mother on welfare listening to a white male pastor telling the congregation that single mothers were of the devil, and were to blame for all of society’s problems.

These were at non-denominational “Christian” churches in Southern California. It wasn’t just one church, I tried at least five or six in the region of San Bernardino County. There were varying degrees of misogyny and patriarchy being preached at each of these churches, but it was definitely being preached.

This rhetoric is what laid the foundation to normalize the blatant hateful misogyny that is so rampant in American churches, the hate that is largely responsible for why we have a rapist/pedo in the White House. If it was this bad in Southern California, I could only imagine what was happening inside the churches in the Deep South or in church organizations that were known to be fundamentalists.

I tried to sound the alarms back then. I spoke up, this is long before social media, so I used the public writings sections of newspapers to speak out. I was called a “lunatic” and dismissed as a “welfare queen” in the response writings. I also wrote a letter to the worst pastor, but never received any response.

It was very obvious to me, a woman in her very early twenties, that our government wasn’t just being ran by the rich and powerful, it was also controlled by Christian Nationalists. I knew Christian Nationalists were behind public policy, such as “welfare reform” (policy largely written by the Heritage Foundation, but passed by the Clinton Administration- which is when I lost all respect for Clinton), as well as “marriage incentives”, school vouchers to fund religious schools, and the anti-abortion movement, etc. (abortion is not a Bible issue either, the Bible specifically indicates that life is at first breath).

It was very obvious to me, starting about 1989, that American men were increasingly using (misusing) the Bible to create a country of Christian Nationalism, which means a Red Pill/man-o-sphere society in the name of “Jesus”.

This scared the hell out of me and contributed to a downward spiral because nobody else seemed to care, or was even aware, of the seriousness of this problem. Even liberal women supported “welfare reform” because Hillary Clinton was their god and her husband supported it. I felt as though I was living on a twilight zone.

I had two very dark phases of my adulthood, and this started the first one. I felt hopeless and I knew this country was headed for serious trouble, but anytime I said anything about it, I was called “crazy” (even by many feminists). I’m still called crazy but now that I’m in my fifties, I don’t give a shit. If you refuse to see just how bad things are now, then you are a fucking idiot - which is a you problem (but, unfortunately, your ignorance affects all of us).

When I was growing up, my mom had a much better understanding of the world than my dad did. My dad was hardworking and financially dedicated to his family (albeit, emotionally absent) - but, a man’s financial dedication, or even minimal financial accountability, to his family is quite rare (which I learned the hard way, in my own experience with men), so I will always give him credit for this. My mom was considered a feminist for her time, but because she was raised in a very different, extremely patriarchal, era, I think it was very difficult for her to reconcile all the patriarchal brainwashing of her era with her feminist ideals, which left me confused when I was growing up and figuring out what my role would be. I saw my mom treated like shit at her job and underpaid, this also scared me. I want sure I could handle being treated so badly in the work world. My dad was no help and only contributed to my confusion, as he was more of a traditionalist and felt that his role was to financially provide, which he did (and this taught me that this was the man’s bare minimum for his family - which I later learned that men refuse to do).

I was badly bullied in school and was increasingly becoming insecure about myself. Unfortunately, therapy just wasn’t a thing back then. Although, my mom tried to get me help once, and I met with a white older male psychologist, but all he did was blame my mom for my “behavioral problems” (I was becoming rebellious) - but I knew it wasn’t my mom’s fault. I just didn’t have the maturity to express the real issues or how to overcome them.

I was raped by a slightly older high school classmate, a boy I was seeing, and impregnated. I never expected to not be believed and I never expected to be further victimized by the people I was supposed to tell (like the school counselor). I was 15 years old and didn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation. My mom knew that my life would be destroyed if I kept the baby and encouraged abortion (and she proved to be 100% correct), but my dad was against abortion. I was scared and confused and waited too long. I had my son, our lives were indeed total hell (although there was some good times), and he grew up to find my rapist, his deadbeat bio, and he aligned himself with him -we’ve been estranged ever since. He didn’t just align himself with my rapist, he gave my rapist my home address and blamed me for absolutely everything. We’ve been estranged since 2019.

Side note: if you are a pregnant teen girl PLEASE ABORT - take this advice from someone who actually lived it!

Up to this point, I lived a normal, traditional, life. I was relatively sheltered and my parents worked hard to provide everything we needed as kids. I had no idea just how much this country truly HATES women, but especially single mothers. Without this young single mother experience, I don’t think I would have the same understanding of what was happening in the late 80s and early 90s, it would have been otherwise easy to ignore, had I not been part of the target. Therefore, I understand why white liberal feminist women of that time also ignored it - they were focused on other issues and, therefore, basic dignity/humanity for young single mothers definitely was NOT on their priority list. However, as a feminist in my fifties, I will always feel betrayed by this type of feminist. Had the feminists of that era supported single mothers, things might not be as bad as they are now.

Patriarchy divides women, and, unfortunately, women don’t necessarily see this division as patriarchal in real time. I now see this with family estrangement against mothers, and all the mother-blaming and shaming, much of it is coming from either grown sons, or grown daughters - many who refer to themselves as feminists. Not only do they fail to connect the struggles of their mothers to the dots of patriarchy, but they also fail to connect the mother-blame to patriarchy. Then there’s the feminists who say things like “I blame male-centered women more than I blame misogynistic men” 🙄- these women are literally doing the work for the men, for the patriarchy. Patriarchy hates it when men are directly held accountable for their own behaviors, but it loves it when women are blamed for their behaviors.

Conditions are getting worse for American women. Even the gender wage gap is starting to widen again, this should alarm even the most mainstream of liberal feminists. I hope women (and the men who claim to support us) can learn to forgive each other for what we didn’t know and for choices and behaviors that we were taught by the patriarchy.

Instead of worrying about the problems with men, we need to let men fix their own problems. I hope we as women can learn to heal ourselves for the damage caused by the patriarchy, and hold space for other women to heal. Most importantly, we need to ban together and fight like hell!

Commentary based on allegations and reports (he has not been found guilty):

Not much is known about the the boy’s relationship with his biological father, Thomas Hudson, but, it appears that the boy had a very close relationship with his biological father, and still does, even though he was living with his mother at the time. It sounds as though both sets of parents had very contentious divorces, but it also sounds as though the boy remained very close with his biological father. The boy had two fathers, a close relationship with his biological father and a stepfather (who he appeared to have gotten along with).

Of course, this case is constantly unfolding, so I’m just commenting on what I observe so far, the facts could prove totally different as the case moves forward.

The boy’s biological father signed off on the boy to live with his uncle pending the court proceedings (he is not behind bars, and is free to come and go with a ankle monitor), so, obviously, the boy’s father is very much involved and is advocating for his son, the suspect in this case. His dad’s choices and behavior, so far, gives me reason to believe that he never held his son accountable for much, and still doesn’t.

The boy (the suspect in this case) had exactly what American society suggests is nearly ideal in divorce situations; children continuing to have close relationships with their fathers (or even father custody, as the father of the victim had of her - Anna’s mother was reportedly not much involved after her dad pushed for sole-custody).

Now let’s flip the script and envision a scenario (god forbid) of this same horrific situation happening under the watch of a biological mother and her new/2nd husband. Under this scenario, the mother would be burned at the proverbial stake, if her daughter was the victim. Although the father of the victim, and mother of the suspect, are being scrutinized, especially for allowing the teens to share a room together on the ship, it’s not even close to the scrutiny that a victim’s mother would have received, had it happened under her watch, we all know this, especially if it was stepdad’s son who raped/murdered her daughter. Mom would be blamed for “putting her husband before her kid”, and society, especially the men, would go after her for bringing a man into her home (even though fathers are most likely to date/remarry after divorce).

This in no way is meant to take away from the injustice, of the horrific loss, nor the memory of, the victim, Anna Kepner. What it is meant to do is to prevent more harm from boys and men. My argument is that our society does not hold men and boys accountable and men don’t hold other men, or boys, accountable. This is a male problem to fix. The “boy mom” mentality (although very popular to scrutinize on social media) is not as prevalent as “boy dad” mentality. Fathers do not hold their sons accountable, even less accountable as “boy moms”. Men and boys are the problem and they are the ones who need to fix it.

Contrary to popular belief, simply having a father in a son’s life does not necessarily reduce the risk of delinquency among teen boys; research published in the ⁠Journal of Adolescence reveals that boys with hostile or aggressive fathers actually commit more crime and use a wider variety of drugs than boys whose fathers are completely absent. It’s interesting that this study rarely gets mentioned by men who advocate for the rights of fathers. However, they do repeat the older study suggesting that single mother households have worse outcomes, even though the study suggested it was because of poverty of the household (including the dads not paying child support), not the single motherhood status of the household (but they ignored this part).

What’s further interesting is that Anna’s father remains with the suspect’s mother, his wife (at least for now). He reportedly has not left her. Again, a mother would be proverbially burned at the stake had she stayed with the man whose son (allegedly, he has not been convicted) raped and murdered her daughter.

Although it was absolutely idiotic for the parents (suspect’s mom and victim’s dad) to allow these teens to share a room on the ship, this goes without saying, but this boy (if he’s guilty) obviously would have taken ANY opportunity to do what he allegedly did to his stepsister, it appears to be a matter of when, not if. When teens live together, no parent can supervise them 24 hours a day. Bottomline, bad parenting does not excuse what this boy allegedly did. Any stepsister should be safe around any stepbrother, period.

Although I feel the responsibility falls on the boy, he should be held accountable, and I’m glad they are trying him as an adult (because it happened on international waters), it’s also important to consider the other factors. This boy had a close relationship with his father, he had two fathers. He has/had what appears (at least from what we know right now) to be a “boy mom” type of mother (male-centered, including her son). He had a “traditional family” (at least as traditional as possible post divorce). He had what appeared to be everything that society says that boys need growing up.

The boy reportedly has ADHD and there’s reports that he wasn’t taking his medication, but I hope this doesn’t become an excuse for what he allegedly did. Lots of girls have ADHD and lots are not medicated, but they don’t rape and murder their siblings (or anyone else).

The problem is males, and only males can fix it.

The Disposable Mother

A Cultural Indictment of Misdiagnosed Memories, Emotional Propaganda, and the Silencing of the Woman Who Stayed

There is a quiet war being waged.

And the casualty?

The mother.

Not the absent one.

Not the abusive one.

But the one who stayed.

The one who broke herself into pieces to keep everything together.

The one who gave up her own identity so her children could find theirs.

The one who fed, clothed, soothed, worked, showed up—and still got labeled toxic.

And what does culture tell her now?

Shut up.

Don’t complain.

Don’t have needs.

Don’t have feelings.

Don’t be angry, don’t be tired, don’t be hurt.

Just vanish—quietly, gracefully, invisibly—so your adult children can finish the story of your failure without you.

Where It Starts: Misunderstood

Memories Become FACT.

A child grows up.

They remember what hurt them—but not what held them.

They remember her anger—but not the pressure behind it.

They remember being told no—but not the sacrifices made to say yes later.

They remember pain—but not poverty, stress, abuse from others, or isolation.

Because children remember emotionally, not factually.

And later, they turn to therapists, reels, influencers, trauma coaches—

And suddenly, a half-memory becomes a full indictment.

Suddenly, mom isn’t a human.

She’s a diagnosis.

She’s the trigger in a self-made healing story.

She’s the villain in a memory built on feeling, not truth.

And Then Come the Counselors

They don’t ask for context.

They don’t seek resolution.

They don’t ask the mother to speak for herself.

Instead, they validate one side.

They call it trauma.

They call it neglect.

They give it a label, hand out a strategy, and say cut them off.

And now, the story is locked in:

Your mother is what your pain says she is.

No nuance.

No reconciliation.

Just a profitable path of permanent division.

And no one ever asks if the “healing” is just a deeper wound dressed up in therapy language.

And Now It’s a Culture

This mentality has gone viral.

It’s no longer just in therapy rooms—it’s in scrolls, scripts, and soundbites.

The self-help culture has built an emotional economy

where the more “toxic” your parent was, the more healed you must be now.

Estrangement is branded as strength.

Numbness is relabeled as peace.

And the mother?

She becomes disposable.

You’ll see entire feeds built around blaming her.

Millions of views.

Billions of likes.

A cultural echo chamber whispering: She was the problem.

And the irony?

She’s still the one grieving the hardest.

Still the one hurting the deepest.

Still the one not allowed to say a word.

She’s Not Even Allowed to Have Feelings

This is what no one talks about:

The mother—the woman who gave you life—

Is not even allowed to have a life of her own.

She’s not allowed to cry.

Not allowed to break down.

Not allowed to say she’s exhausted.

Not allowed to feel pain from being discarded.

Not allowed to have needs.

Not allowed to show emotion.

Because the moment she does?

“She’s manipulative.”

“She’s guilt-tripping.”

“She’s making it about her.”

“She’s toxic.”

The culture expects her to surrender her entire self,

every emotion, every need, every human limit—

in silence.

And when she finally breaks from the weight of all that expectation?

They say, “See? She’s the problem.”

And If We’re All Telepathic…

Here’s what no one considers:

If we are all connected energetically—

If we can pick up thoughts, feelings, judgments like signals—

Then you can adopt someone else’s hatred without even realizing it.

It doesn’t take abuse.

It doesn’t take words.

It doesn’t even take conflict.

Just being in the presence of someone who resents your mother

can distort your energetic field.

Their thoughts can feel like yours.

Their pain becomes the filter you look through.

You start remembering differently.

You start feeling things that never belonged to you.

You start questioning love that was always there—

because now you're tuned to a frequency that doesn't reflect the truth.

That’s not healing.

That’s hijacking.

And no one is warning people how spiritually dangerous that is.

And Then You Wonder Why She’s Mad

You wonder why the mother is angry.

Why she cries.

Why she says things you don’t want to hear.

Why she’s not as “graceful” as you want her to be.

But you’ve stripped her of everything—

and then expected her to be silent about it.

You erased her story.

You diagnosed her without asking.

You decided her whole identity was based on your pain.

And now she’s not even allowed to feel that loss.

This isn’t just unjust.

It’s inhumane.

This Is the Culture We’ve Built

We are watching an entire generation of mothers be rewritten,

not because they failed,

but because they were human during times no one else would’ve survived.

We are calling imperfection abuse,

pain trauma,

and discomfort justification for abandonment.

We are turning the ones who gave us everything

into the scapegoats of our self-discovery.

And the world is cheering it on.

If You Are That Mother

You are not toxic for being emotional.

You are not broken for being hurt.

You are not wrong for feeling angry at the rewriting of your story.

You are a woman.

A human.

A mother who stayed.

You were never meant to be erased.

You are not disposable.

You are sacred.

And no one—not a therapist, not a coach, not even your own child’s misremembered pain—

can define your legacy without your voice.

Let this be a reckoning.

For every mother who is grieving a child still alive.

For every woman who stayed and was still betrayed.

For every soul who gave life and was repaid with silence, blame, or distance.

The world has forgotten the cost of motherhood.

But we will not!

Sure, some mothers/women are problematic, but over-focusing on these women keeps us from addressing the real problems. Furthermore, Patriarchy and misogyny is also responsible for mothers/women prioritizing/centering men. Let’s keep the focus on the problems of patriarchy and misogyny, not on how some women fall into the traps. We live in a patriarchal culture that encourages single moms to marry and then blames these moms for their husband’s bad behaviors.

Even when mothers are perceived as prioritizing men (over their children), this is a complex issue. When I was a young single mother in the 90s, I was constantly hammered with bullshit propaganda like “you need to get married”, “your son needs a father-figure”, “your son needs a normal family unit”, “you wouldn't be impoverished if you'd just find a man to marry”, “single mother households are bad for kids”, etc. This was during the “welfare reform” political rhetoric, “welfare queens”were public enemy #1.

Even fictional television characters like Murphy Brown were being publicly scrutinized by politicians for portraying “fatherless” single motherhood in a positive way.

If you were a single mother who went to church, you'd be heavily scrutinized and encouraged to get married (this is even worse now, especially in the Bible- belt).

Deadbeat dads (in the United States) collectively owe well over $120 BILLION (I think the real number is much higher) in court ordered, but unpaid, child support, but our society blames single moms for marrying (a man who is not the bio) for financial reasons, but doesn't blame deadbeat dads for not financially contributing to their children (at least not as harshly as mothers are blamed for “bringing a new man around her kids”). Furthermore, most child support orders are set at bare minimum, far less than half of the child’s actual expenses, and the bio-sperm-givers still don't pay it - yet, it's single moms who are blamed for everything, including for being impoverished.

When I was a young single mom (via rape when I was 15), I was making $3.75/hr., when I asked for the child support to be enforced (which was lowered to $80/month because rapist kept impregnating women and girls and claiming to be unemployed but somehow afforded new trucks and a 4-bedroom home), I was told, by the child support office, that “well, if you can't afford your kid, then maybe you should let the father have him!” (they wanted me to give my kid to my rapist). While at the courthouse, I observed a man from the District Attorney’s office high-fiving a dad when his child support was reduced, one of many types of examples I observed.

When Medi-Cal (Medicaid) was cut, my son and I were left with no health insurance. My jobs (often two or three jobs at one time) did not offer health insurance. I was AGAIN encouraged to find a man with health insurance to marry. Even my boss suggested this, when I asked why they didn't offer health insurance.

When my rapist went after custody to avoid being jailed for not paying child support (he received a free lawyer by the father’s rights funding), I was told by the lawyers that my case would have been much stronger had there been a step-father (had I been married). I could have asked to have my rapist’s rights terminated had there been a step-father. My rapist used the courts to further harass me, which was financially (and emotionally) draining/traumatizing. I was told that, had I been married, the courts would have considered the rapist’s long term absence and failure to pay child support, but the courts consider a bad dad better than no dad. Because of this, he used the courts to destroy my life. I was even fined $12,000, and threatened with jail, for not wanting my child interviewed by his lawyer during the holidays, regarding potential forced visits with my rapist.

When I couldn't afford childcare because it costs more than my paycheck, I was encouraged to get married so that I didn't have to work so much.

When my son started to act out, I was again encouraged to find a father-figure for my son, to marry.

When I finally got married, when my son was in his later teens, I was accused of “putting a man before my son” 🙄🙄🙄 (including from my son).

Instead of supporting single mothers, with increased wages, enforced child support, free childcare, free college, and free healthcare, etc. - our very patriarchal society heavily encourages single moms to marry…but then blames the mothers when something goes wrong, or when that man harms the child in any way. It's bullshit, it further perpetuates patriarchy, and I won't allow this on my page.

I promise you all, under the current political regime, single mothers will get married because of the lack of options. Please stop blaming these women and stop accusing them of “putting a man before her kids”. These women are in survival mode. Most single mothers don't want another man, but they also don't want to struggle so much. Instead, please hold the men (and patriarchy) accountable!

Sure, some mothers/women are problematic, but over-focusing on these women keeps us from addressing the real problems. Furthermore, Patriarchy and misogyny is also responsible for mothers/women prioritizing/centering men. Let’s keep the focus on the problems of patriarchy and misogyny, not on how some women fall into the traps. We live in a patriarchal culture that encourages single moms to marry and then blames these moms for their husband’s bad behaviors.

Even when mothers are perceived as prioritizing men (over their children), this is a complex issue. When I was a young single mother in the 90s, I was constantly hammered with bullshit propaganda like “you need to get married”, “your son needs a father-figure”, “your son needs a normal family unit”, “you wouldn't be impoverished if you'd just find a man to marry”, “single mother households are bad for kids”, etc. This was during the “welfare reform” political rhetoric, “welfare queens”were public enemy #1.

Even fictional television characters like Murphy Brown were being publily scrutinized by politicians for portraying “fatherless” single motherhood in a positive way.

If you were a single mother who went to church, you'd be heavily scrutinized and encouraged to get married (this is even worse now, especially in the Bible- belt).

Deadbeat dads (in the United States) collectively owe well over $120 BILLION (I think the real number is much higher) in court ordered, but unpaid, child support, but our society blames single moms for marrying (a man who is not the bio) for financial reasons, but doesn't blame deadbeat dads for not financially contributing to their children (at least not as harshly as mothers are blamed for “bringing a new man around her kids”). Furthermore, most child support orders are set at bare minimum, far less than half of the child’s actual expenses, and the bio-sperm-givers still don't pay it - yet, it's single moms who are blamed for everything, including for being impoverished.

When I was a young single mom (via rape when I was 15), I was making $3.75/hr., when I asked for the child support to be enforced (which was lowered to $80/month because rapist kept impregnating women and girls and claiming to be unemployed but somehow afforded new trucks and a 4-bedroom home), I was told, by the child support office, that “well, if you can't afford your kid, then maybe you should let the father have him!” (they wanted me to give my kid to my rapist). While at the courthouse, I observed a man from the District Attorney’s office high-fiving a dad when his child support was reduced, one if many types of examples I observed.

When Medi-Cal (Medicaid) was cut, my son and I were left with no health insurance. My jobs (often two or three jobs at one time) did not offer health insurance. I was AGAIN encouraged to find a man with health insurance to marry. Even my boss suggested this, when I asked why they didn't offer health insurance.

When my rapist went after custody to avoid being jailed for not paying child support (he received a free lawyer by the father’s rights funding), I was told by the lawyers that my case would have been much stronger had there been a step-father (had I been married). I could have asked to have my rapist’s rights terminated had there been a step-father. My rapist used the courts to further harass me, which was financially (and emotionally) draining/traumatizing. I was told that, had I been married, the courts would have considered the rapist’s long term absence and failure to pay child support, but the courts consider a bad dad better than no dad. Because of this, he used the courts to destroy my life. I was even fined $12,000, and threatened with jail, for not wanting my child interviewed by his lawyer during the holidays.

When I couldn't afford childcare because it costs more than my paycheck, I was encouraged to get married so that I didn't have to work so much.

When my son started to act out, I was again encouraged to find a father-figure for my son, to marry.

When I finally got married, when my son was in his later teens, I was accused of “putting a man before my son” 🙄🙄🙄 (including from my son).

Instead of supporting single mothers, with increased wages, free childcare, free college, and free healthcare, etc. - our very patriarchal society heavily encourages single moms to marry, but then blames the mothers when something goes wrong, or when that man harms the child in any way. It's bullshit and I won't allow this on my page.

I promise you all, under the current political regime, single mothers will get married because of the lack of options. Please stop blaming these women and stop accusing them of “putting a man before her kids”. These women are in survival mode. Instead, please hold the men (and patriarchy) accountable!

Women who focus on the problematic women in their lives, instead of the problematic men, perpetuate patriarchy. It may be subconscious for them, but it does far more to benefit the patriarchy than it does to facilitate change among problematic women. However, the men love it when you focus on other women instead of holding them accountable. Pinning women against each other, and dividing them, is a very effective tool of the patriarchy, it’s been used for centuries.

Saying things like “women are just as bad” or “patriarchal women are worse than the men”, repeats falsehoods. Statistically speaking, women are not “just as bad” as men (including patriarchal women). Sure, there’s exceptions, there’s always exceptions to just about everything, but why are we, as women, worried about the female exceptions, instead of the masses of male perpetrators? I know why, it’s internalized patriarchy.

Statistically, even the worst of women are not as bad as men (this is especially true when speaking about parenting, a “bad mom” is an average father). In regard to the notable exceptions of women who harm children, there was always a man (or men) involved who encouraged it for his benefit (not suggesting that this in any way justifies it, but it’s important to point out that men are almost always involved).

I get it, speaking as a mother who is estranged from her adult son (he aligned with my rapist), I understand that pain that is often associated with the backlash of holding men in our lives accountable. Women don’t want to lose their adult sons, brothers, fathers, or husband, to estrangement, or to other form of relationship strain. Most men do not respond well to accountability (this is supported by scholarly research), this is because they’ve never been held accountable under patriarchy. Women are scared of the backlash, and in some cases, it can put her safety at risk.

I’m also not trying to shame other women for engaging in woman-blame, we’ve all engaged in it on some level and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with pointing out problematic women, like the white women who overwhelmingly voted for a rapist, but this becomes a problem when women are disproportionately focused on problematic women more so than they are on holding men accountable.

Women did not create patriarchy, women had no say when this system was created. This system was created by men, for men. It’s easy to get caught up in the anger against other women, as it feels like a betrayal of our sisters, but I look at them as victims of the patriarchy - but, it still doesn’t make it okay.

Even during the brutality of chattel slavery, some slaves were known to defend their masters and turn against other slaves, it’s the same mentality among women. I feel sorry for these women AND all we can do is keep trying to educate them or distant ourselves, but focusing on them (instead of on the men) does more to benefit patriarchy than it does to change these women.

A lot of women are so angry or resentful at their mothers, because of their mother’s internalized patriarchy/misogyny, that they remain stuck in a woman-blame mindset. However, women of past generations were even far more controlled by the patriarchy, more than we could even fathom. There was no internet for support. Maybe we should show grace and understanding, and less blame and shame for their method of survival in a system that they never asked for?

Until American women become more “radicalized” and stop being more concerned about what other women are doing and saying, and until American women stop worrying about how the men in our lives might react when held accountable, nothing will change - at least not in our lifetime.

America needs its own version of the 4B movement, and many American women tried, but not enough American women would get on board. I get so frustrated because, on a daily basis, I continue to see posts and comments from women who are spending far more time and energy focused on “problematic women” than they are on holding men accountable, and this is no different than the mentality of our mothers and grandmothers. This is repeating the same cycles, just a more modern take.

A parent cannot change the past, so it’s up to the adult child to do the work of healing, of moving forward, otherwise they get stuck in child mindset and victim mentality.

Adult children also apply today’s knowledge and understanding to yesterday’s parenting norms, which is not only unfair, it’s cruel. The fact that our society is now holding parents to a higher standard isn’t a bad thing, but blaming parents for not understanding concepts during a time when few did understand (with the exception of maybe those with higher education in the fields of child development, psychology, or counseling), but higher education was not common in previous generations.

The internet did not exist, there was no information at the fingertips.

An entire generation now blames parents for not having the skills or knowledge that they were never taught. Maturity and healing requires compassion and understanding. It involves understanding that parents can’t know what they did not know, and had no way of knowing. Most simply repeated the parenting styles of their parents.

It helps when you view your parent through the lens of their parenting era (not today’s era), and through the lens of the limited knowledge/understanding they had at that time.

However, even the professionals used to give opposite advice to parents back then (compared to today). When I was raising my (now estranged) son and reaching out to professionals for help/advice with him, they encouraged “tough love”, and even going to the police to let him get “scared straight”, absolutely nothing was mentioned about his “childhood trauma”. Back then, there was an emphasis on parental authority, even by the the parenting professionals, these are the professionals that parents looked to for advice. Sure, not all professionals were like this, especially in more progressive cities, but a parent was taught to not question the professionals, especially if the parent lacked education.

One of the cycles of bad parenting was the lack of education, we now live in a much more educated society (thankfully). I received my education after my son was grown, and I would have raised my son completely differently had I been educated when I was raising him. Unfortunately, our country had never prioritized higher education, especially not for young single mothers (like I was). Had I known then, what I know now, honestly, I probably would have never had a child because I now understand how difficult, and self-sacrificing (especially from mothers), it really is to be a really good parent.

Furthermore, our country sets mothers up for failure, especially single mothers. Our country sets mothers up for failure, then blames them for this perceived failure.

I am now in the MFT program (Marriage and Family Therapy), which focuses on systems. You can’t have a system without communication and systems involve outside influences like patriarchy, gender roles, culture, norms, and capitalism, etc., all which affect parenting and outcomes. Although adult children are now much more educated, much more informed, they understand systems theory concepts, and the impact of social factors like patriarchy, gender roles, the motherhood penalty, the gender wage gap, misogyny, racism, affects of poverty, etc., they are still stuck in the cycle of exclusively blaming their mothers for adverse childhood experiences, with no consideration of influencing outside factors beyond her control. I find this mother-blame to be a tool of patriarchy. There is also an element of blaming parents for not having the resources for family therapy, most struggled just to put food on the table - mental health was not even a topic of conversation back then.

Once we are adults, we are responsible for doing the work of healing from childhood trauma, not our parents. Healing is a personal journey. If a parent is willing to participate, then great, but you have to communicate for participation. Otherwise, we get stuck in the victim mentality of what was done to us when we were children, in the child mindset. The goal should be the growth mindset of compassion, empathy, and understanding, which requires thinking outside of ourselves - less of what was done to us - and more of an understanding of why and the compassion to forgive.

It is not about ignoring the adverse childhood experiences/trauma, it’s about moving forward from it so that family systems stop getting stuck in the trauma, causing permanent estrangement and resentment. Childhood trauma can impact our future lives, but unless the adult child can do the work of healing from it, they will always be stuck in that child mindset.

We each are responsible for our own healing journeys, it should not be dependent on whether or not a parent acknowledges their mistakes or whether they go to therapy. Ideally, the family system is open to therapy individually, and as a family, but not all families have the resources to do so. However, we can only be responsible for our own healing.

How long are grown adults in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s going to sit in a corner, sulking and repeating the same old script: "I wasn’t loved enough," "I didn't get a head start," "My mother messed up my psyche"?

Okay, fine. Maybe she wasn’t a Pinterest-perfect mom. Maybe she didn't know the first thing about "gentle parenting" and didn't have the emotional vocabulary to hold you when you were hurting. To her, keeping you fed and clothed was a win.

But here’s a newsflash: You aren't that kid anymore.

Lately, it’s become incredibly trendy to blame every failure on childhood. Broke? "It’s my mom’s scarcity mindset." Toxic relationship? "Mom’s fault." Can't finish a project? "Oh, that’s my abandonment trauma acting up."

People spend thousands on "inner energy" retreats and years in therapy, hunting for some "magic button" in the past that will suddenly fix their present.

Spoiler alert: It won’t.

Your adult life doesn’t begin when your mother finally apologizes. It begins the moment you stop waiting for her to "complete" your personality.

Weren't taught financial literacy? Pick up a book and learn it yourself.

Weren't given confidence? Build it, brick by brick, every single day.

Never saw a healthy relationship? Do the work, heal, and learn to love without being codependent.

Who exactly is holding you back right now? Your aging mother? A woman who lived through an era of survival and shortages? A woman who never heard the words "personal boundaries" because her only job was to make sure you didn't starve?

She made birthday parties out of nothing. She stayed at jobs she hated so you could have shoes. She endured things you’d run away from in a heartbeat because, for her, family wasn't a "choice"—it was a duty.

She gave you the one thing that matters: Life.

That doesn't mean you have to ignore your pain. If it hurts, heal it. But don't make that pain your entire personality. The past is not coming back with a settlement check for your damages.

Go look in the mirror. That’s a grown-up staring back at you. And that person—and only that person—is now responsible for their own happiness.

Weren't given wings? Grow your own. Stop dragging your life back into your childhood bedroom.

Go out there and live.”

- Lullaby for the Soul