Chelsea’s Substack

Just saying...

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 02 Sep 2026 14:02:39 GMT

Just saying…

Dr. Abdul El-Sayed is a doctor who has never practiced medicine the same way a person is a racecar driver who has never driven a racecar.

Trump is going to rename North America “America America.”

It’s always “Abolish ICE” but never “Abolish ISIS.”

I would almost literally lose a limb to spend less time at the nail salon. Almost.

The families of 9/11 victims don’t want Mamdani at the commemoration services, but he’s going anyway. He’s crashing the plane-crash memorial. Let’s hope not literally.

—

And the gentile of the week is Mr. Dick Van Dyke, who is still alive and stretching at 100. Yes, I meant stretching, as he recently posted this kind of perplexing video on his Instagram. But nonetheless, keep kickin’ (stretchin?) Dick!

Just saying...

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 14:01:18 GMT

Just saying… Trump wants to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America.” And The Great Lakes will now be “The Tremendous Beautiful Lakes Like Nobody’s Ever Seen Before.”

Just saying… Trump’s newest operation in Iran is called “Operation Economic Outcast.” Soon it will just be “Operation Surrender And Fuck You.”

Just saying… I ask men I’m dating for more transparency and suddenly they disappear altogether.

Just saying… I’ve never seen Mark Ruffalo look madder than how mad he gets about Israel. And he played the Hulk.

Just saying… It’s nice to know I would’ve never, ever dated Hitler.

And the righteous gentile of the week is, of course, Dolly Parton! Here’s a line she had that I wish was mine:

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.”

Until next week!

Just saying...

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 19 Aug 2026 14:03:15 GMT

Just saying…

I have a secret admirer. He’s so secret he hasn’t said anything. But I know he’s out there.

I miss Rep. George Santos, who made up where he went to school, where he worked, and what historical events his family lived through. Where has he been? Climbing Everest? Walking on the moon? Atlantis? Let’s hear it, King!

There’s a popular charity called “Friends of the IDF.” They should have an organization called “More Than Friends of the IDF.” I will be its president.

If we’re really out of Patriot missiles, I will personally help make some. That sounds not so good.

I just learned salmon sperm facials are a real thing and can cost thousands of dollars. If sperm on my face is the goal, might I offer a cheaper solution?

Mamdani announced a new plan to cool subway platforms. If Mamdani can really get air conditioning in all the subways, he can take Israel, I don’t care. Go ahead! Drive the Jews into the sea!!

And now for the Righteous Gentile of the week where one week I will highlight a gentile whom I like.

This week’s Righteous Gentile is…
Count Binface!

Count Binface is a candidate who ran in the U.K. against Nigel Farage. He wears a trash bin on his face and claims he is from outer space. He promises to lower your taxes but raise everyone else’s. For real, he got nearly 10,000 votes. He said he’s over the moon. Our moon, and his.

Just saying...

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 12 Aug 2026 14:03:37 GMT

Just saying… Rolling Stone says everyone is afraid of Hasan Piker, but that’s not true. The Pod Save America guys practically had him over for afternoon tea. But the people who are scared of Hasan Piker are scared of him because he tells kids it’s brave to wage jihad by fucking people in the eye. Oh, also the being fine with rape stuff. Sorry I’m scared of being raped or fucked in the eye!

Just saying, people definitely go to “music” festivals not for the music, but for the drugs. How do we know? Lollapalooza has deaf interpreters.

Just saying, if the Titanic sank today, men wouldn’t let women and children off the ship first. Men don’t even let me off the elevator first.

Just saying, El-Sayed promising, “I love Jews. I break bread with them at Passover,” is actually perfect. What could you come up with that’s better? I can’t. I tried for a week.

Just saying, the people commenting on this video, applauding a Spaniard for beating up an Israeli reservist, are really stupid because it is in fact the Israeli who beat up the Spaniard. The Israeli reservist is inherently the one with combat training. They can’t be unfairly strong, bloodthirsty killers preying on the weak and inept at fighting, guys.

Just saying, when people chant, “We don’t want no Zionists here,” where do they think they are scaring those Zionists off to? Mars?

Just saying, I hate getting my nails done. It is literally like watching paint dry. But worse, because you can’t use your fucking hands!

Just saying, you can’t lie to us about what a vagina smells like. I have a sample size of one on the subject, but I’m pretty sure no one, and I mean no one, has a vagina that smells like sage.

Planned Parenthood: “Smell is subjective, but a healthy asshole smells like daffodils.”

—

And now for the righteous gentile of the week, where weekly I will mention one gentile whom I like:

Today’s righteous gentile is Liza Minelli! She is my second favorite nepo-baby of all time. (First is Carrie Fisher.)

Liza posted that she’s sober at 80! Mazal tov to Liza!

Ha(u)te Couture

Chelsea Jacobson — Mon, 10 Aug 2026 14:02:49 GMT

Did you know Coco Chanel dated Nazis? She had great taste, just not in men.

Chanel was on so much Nazi Dick.

During the German occupation of France, Chanel began a romantic relationship with Baron Hans Günther von Dincklage, which is not the name of a character from Frozen but the name of a German intelligence officer.

Also, Chanel’s business partners in her perfume, Chanel No. 5, were Jewish, and she tried to use Nazi laws to take control of the company away from them. But the Wertheimer family saw this coming and transferred ownership to a non-Jewish French associate before Chanel could take it from them.

You could say she put “hate” in “haute couture.”

No one really remembers this about Coco Chanel.

But I had this in mind when I learned about the 2027 Met Gala theme, “John Galliano: Horizons.”

If you don’t know who John Galliano is, I’ll expand your horizons.

Galliano is an English designer and formerly ran Dior. In 2011, he was taped in a Paris restaurant saying, “I love Hitler, and people like you would be dead today. Your mothers, your forefathers would be gassed. Dead. You. You’re ugly.”

He was convicted by a French court and fired by Dior. He apologized and worked on himself for years. Maybe he’s better and sincere—I don’t really know or care.

But, in short: a designer convicted of antisemitic hate speech is getting the Met’s most prestigious fashion honor.

If the Jews run high society—haute couture, haute cuisine—which translate literally to “high fashion” and “high cuisine,” we wouldn’t have a Met Gala show revolving around a man who said, “I love Hitler and you would’ve been gassed.”

I don’t think hating Jews should disqualify you from public life or art (then we’d be depriving ourselves of a lot of great art). I wear Coco Chanel (brag), but why give this man a redemption? Kanye’s at least a household name. I didn’t know who Galliano is until now because Anna Wintour made me.

Saying “I love Hitler” should be a deal breaker—not from being in the fashion industry, but definitely from having the entire Met Gala revolve around you, even if part of the story is that you said you’re sorry.

This seemed to be true two years ago. Back then, the Met board said a Galliano exhibit would be “too toxic.”

Now, just two years later, they say, “The rise of hate makes the show more urgent, not less.”

So what happened? Nothing about Galliano changed. What was in vogue changed. Giving a pass to people who say “I love Hitler” is now fashionable. All this hubbub around Jews lately. The intrigue!

Well, in the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “Fashion fades; style is eternal.”

Honoring a man who said, “I love Hitler and people like you would be dead today,” may be in fashion. But it is in really, really, really poor taste. And, like mullets or Nazism or cronuts, this fad too shall pass.

Denouncing Jew hatred like this, without an asterisk, is in good taste. And that good taste, like style, will last.

Because do you know who still owns Chanel? Not anyone with the Chanel name- but the very Jews Chanel tried to steal from: the Wertheimers.

The Adults Aren't Talking

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 23:55:34 GMT

This week, a clip from the popular online series Subway Takes went viral, featuring Julian Casablancas of The Strokes, who may have had a stroke himself.

“American Zionists get the benefits of white privileged people, but talk like they are Black people during slavery,” he said.

“They’re like, ‘I’m so oppressed.’ I’m like, ‘You are going to a wedding in Tel Aviv right now when there are 80,000-plus dead people, including women and children, half a mile away. Absolutely fucked.’”

“And just for the people that are going to be like, ‘Hamas, October 7th.’ Um, yes, bad,” he said. “But Native American rebellions didn’t mean it was okay to do what we did. Slave rebellions that were violent didn’t mean that slavery is not bad. So, that’s the scope of that answer. Just for the haters.”

See? Like I said. Maybe a stroke.

And the guy who has Subway Takes emphatically agrees with him.

–

One of my favorite Strokes songs is “The Adults Are Talking,” playing off the phrase parents use to tell their kids to shut up. Written by Casablancas, it’s basically about people in power talking over him, and his cynical attitude toward it all. It’s a fun song that, like all Strokes songs, I listen to for the upbeat energy more than the lyrics. But in it, Casablancas seems to forget he is actually rich and famous and lives in a liberal society. The adults aren’t talking—he is. And he is a child.

Casablancas and the Subway Takes Guy’s point of view isn’t just disgusting; it’s childish. It’s childish because children don’t really know things, and neither do these people.

Here’s what I think Casablancas doesn’t know:

The vast majority of “American Zionists” are Christians. But the subway-takes vitriol is saved for those who are attending weddings in Tel Aviv, and obviously those attending weddings in Tel Aviv are probably not pastors. We know he just means Jew, even if he doesn’t.

Second, not all “American Zionists” are white. Much to Julian’s surprise, I’m sure, many of the world’s Jews—and in fact most Israelis—are not white. These people’s families survived horrors across the Middle East and Africa that he can’t comprehend. And the “white” Jews’ families survived the Holocaust, which wasn’t exactly rosy either.

Third, October 7th is not comparable to a slave rebellion, and even if it were, would raping people and slaughtering children for sport be laudable even in a slave rebellion?

And finally, to hear the rock star child of a modeling magnate father (with a questionable affinity for young women) and a former Miss Denmark mother, lecture others on their privilege is pretty rich—pun intended. This goes over Casablancas’ poorly combed head as well.

—

Like simple children, Casablancas and Subway-Takes-Guy simply don’t know these things. To them, every Jew is a white girl on the Upper East Side. Worse yet, every Jew is a white girl on the Upper East Side who, God forbid, is pretty freaked that Jewish girls like her were raped and shot in the head on October 7th, or that Jews were shot in the back walking out of an event discussing how to remedy food shortages in Gaza, or that a guy whose brother was in Hezbollah wanted to firebomb a bunch of Jewish preschoolers.

Casablancas and the Subway Takes Guy mock Jews’ fear because they don’t understand what it means to be raped or to lose your life or your freedom. They haven’t had to remotely confront the possibility that these things are real and don’t just happen to other people.

They don’t truly understand anything they have “takes” on: slavery, revolution, 80,000 people dead. They are far removed, by time and continents, from any sort of real societal tragedy at that scale. But as Casablancas points out, “Zionists” are merely half a mile away from the people who want, on paper and in practice, to kill every last one of them.

I’m far away, literally and metaphorically, from things like slavery or war too. But because I am a serious adult who talks about Israel publicly, I got off my tush and have gone to Israel and as close to Gaza as possible a handful of times. I still don’t know what it means to fight or watch my family die in a war, or to experience a terrorist attack, but at least I know what I don’t know. I’m not 14 anymore.

In practice, these two men are. Subway Takes Guy and Casablancas’ entire understanding of the world is that of rebelling 14-year-olds. They think they are being brave and that they are sticking it to the man. But they are not children being muzzled. They are adults speaking freely on very large platforms. They choose to think and act like children because thinking and acting like children is much easier.

They have a lot to say, but the adults aren’t talking after all.

Ezra Klein, Hasan Piker, and Uncomfortable Truths

Chelsea Jacobson — Mon, 20 Apr 2026 14:04:10 GMT

Last week, Hasan Piker, provocateur and communist extraordinaire with $1300 Cartier glasses, lived rent-free in my head. First, he appeared on Pod Save America, where he said Hamas is “1000 times” better than Israel and he would “vote for Hamas over Israel every single time.”
The overall response on the left? “Ok.”

Then journalist and Jew who won’t let you forget it Ezra Klein went further and penned a piece originally titled “Hasan Piker Is Not the Enemy.” Excuse me?! Hamas is my enemy; in their words, not mine.

Klein also released a video calling out some, in his view, never-before-seen realities about Israel, including the horrific conditions in Gaza, the predicament with Hezbollah in the North, and the state’s moral failure to stop settler violence in the West Bank. Please, he begs, someone must finally see these things for what they are.

Klein’s breaking news was…not news. These are all issues that any serious person engaged with Israel is well aware of, and most are willing to confront. If Ezra Klein can believe it, Israel has its own people, government, and politics, where Israelis are bitterly fighting over these truths on which Klein seems to think he has a visual monopoly.

Klein’s analysis is self-righteous and ignorant. But, most of all, it’s an amazing exercise in projection.

While Klein pleads that we confront an uncomfortable reality he is enlightened enough to see, he fails to recognize the obvious uncomfortable reality right in front of him.

Klein’s is a deeply unserious worldview, in which Hasan Piker is not the enemy because no one is. To Klein, we’re all just human beings stuck on this same rock together, and we all want the best for the collective, even if, in Piker’s case, that means some women have to get raped along the way. Klein, I hope, has no real comprehension of what a lot of women getting raped along the way actually means, not in the abstract, but in the real world.

Klein’s comprehension of the situation exists in a world cloud, full of bad words like war and occupation and tragedy and complicated. In the clouds, those words are just that, only words. And luckily for Ezra Klein, the words never have to come down from the clouds.

Klein simply doesn’t understand war is real, and real people wage it, and they fight, and they die. He may think he does in theory but he clearly does not in any material way. He doesn’t understand he has enemies, real enemies, and they would gladly kill him if they could, and entertaining support for them could one day bring the words down from the clouds.

Klein says, “I don’t think this is a time to talk about solutions,” and boy does he make good on his promise. He offers no solutions.

But to be fair, Piker does. Piker’s solution is terrorism. He says so, and I believe him. And I believe people like him, who say they want to use terrorism to destroy Israel and ultimately all liberal society. Those people are real, they mean it, and they are becoming more popular every day, not in the clouds or in theory, not on the other side of the world, but on Pod Save America. That seems like a difficult reality worth confronting, wouldn’t you think?

Denointed

Chelsea Jacobson — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 21:48:44 GMT

About three glasses of wine into my seder this year, I had a new drunken thought on Exodus: “Moses is taken from royal to human. Whatever the opposite of anointed is. What is that? Denointed?”

It is not denointed. No such word exists.

But, yes, Moses is denointed.

He is un-royaled. He goes from god to man.

It struck me that our main guy in Judaism has the opposite story of the main guys of the other Abrahamic faiths. Moses starts his time on earth as a holy prince, a conduit to the divine, and ends his time on earth as a pile of bones, buried in an unmarked grave in the desert, lost, literally, to the sands of time.

Both Jesus and Muhammad end their stories on earth by ascending to heaven. Jesus Christ is not just a conduit to God but also is God, while simultaneously human. Never made sense to me, but whatever. Muhammad is seen as a sort of demigod. Some worshippers keep their beards the way Muhammad kept his (red) and try to model their own tastes after his (he was a cat person, not a dog person.)

Do I think about if Moses was a dog or cat person? No. (Gun to my head, I think dog person, actually.) But what do I think about vis-à-vis Moses?

I think about how he was flawed. How he committed wrongs he could never fully right. How, when summoned for greatness, he doubted and resisted his fate until he surrendered to the inconvenient yet nevertheless inevitable path laid out before him. He didn’t even marry a Jew. He killed a guy. He hit that rock with a stick when he shouldn’t have.

And this man, this stubborn, spoiled, rock-hitter who doubts God despite all God’s miracles, he’s our main guy?

Yes.

This is perhaps my favorite part of Judaism and, I think, key to unlocking the entire religion itself.

Moses does not get his Hollywood ride into the sunset. Our stories as Jews do not have happy endings or heavens or unconditional forgiveness. For all the theatrics of floods and plagues, ours is a religion of reality. Moses slips up, and thus he is not allowed into Israel. There are no take-backs in the Haggadah, and there are no take-backs in this life, either. The story of Exodus teaches us that our actions have consequences, sometimes irreparable. In fact, we will do harm in this life that can never be undone, and we will simply have to live with it.

And when you leave the land of Egypt, whatever that means to you, the work isn’t over. In fact, a whole host of new troubles await you. And you will struggle, and you will err, and you will get it right sometimes, but most of the time you won’t. And even if you make it to the promised land, a whole new host of troubles await you there, too. God may deliver you from a problem, but he does not deliver you from problems altogether.

This is equally true for you if you are Moses, or if you are just some Jew.

It’s not really fair, but it’s also not really about you, nor is it really your business, frankly. It is God’s, and whatever he’s got going is way, way above your pay grade. When you feel like taking him on, denoint yourself. Because even if you are Moses, one day you will just be a pile of bones in the ground, lost to the sands of time, just like everyone else.

Anyway, L’Chaim!

Is Minnesota Another Holocaust?

Chelsea Jacobson — Tue, 27 Jan 2026 01:31:19 GMT

After the shooting of Alex Petti, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz on Sunday compared federal immigration enforcement in Minnesota to the Holocaust.

“We have got children in Minnesota hiding in their houses, afraid to go outside. Many of us grew up reading that story of Anne Frank,” Walz said. “”Somebody is going to write that children’s story about Minnesota.”

Um, I don’t think so. Firstly, get this- Anne Frank was Jewish. Second, Anne’s story ends with her sent to a mechanized death camp where a million people were murdered, then moved to a labor camp where she contracts typhus and dies. FIN!

Is this the kind of story we will see from Minnesota? I should hope not.

The Holocaust today is compared to anything and everything- Gaza, naturally- ICE, any and all racism, police. Even vegan activists compare slaughterhouses to the killing camps (yes, really.)

While I do take offense to incorrect Holocaust comparisons, I have learned to stop worrying what most people think about the Holocaust and love the bomb.

What I do find curious about obsessive Holocaust comparisons, though, is the idea that something need be on par with the Holocaust to be objectionable.

Is it not enough to have federal officers gunning down American protestors in the street while our leaders blatantly mischaracterize the situation? Is it not enough to have United States law enforcement brutalizing children? Why does our crime scale jump right from parking ticket to Final Solution?

Are we so morally diluted that we can’t concern ourselves with any injustice unless it’s as bad as what happened to Anne Frank? What does that say about us?

If our bar for outrage is set at Auschwitz, who are we?

Color of the Year and Other Stupid "Of The Year" Things

Chelsea Jacobson — Wed, 31 Dec 2025 14:03:32 GMT

Another year is over and that means companies once again roll out their year end picks. I find most of them to be stupid. Below are some of the standout year-end selections that I found particularly stupid. Enjoy!

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Color of the Year:

Pantone color of the year is “Cloud Dancer” which is just a frustrating way to say white. The idea is Cloud Dancer offers us carte blanche (literally) to pick our own color in an act of self expression. Except choosing a color is not supposed to be my job- that’s Pantone’s. Picking white- I’m sorry, Cloud Dancer- is essentially not picking. It’s cheap and it’s offloading the work onto the rest of us. Just like the Time person of the year cover that was just a mirror. Don’t make me be the person of the year, you’re supposed to pick one! Why am I involved in this? Which brings us to…

Time Person of the Year:

This year’s person of the year is actually five people. This is stupid and should not be allowed. The point is to pick one and only one. Save, maybe, a case of conjoined twins- you should have to pick one person.

It is Time’s *own* premise.

Dictionary.com Word of the Year 2025:

This is simply not a word. It is not only not one word, it is two numbers.

Time Invention of the year:

“Unitree R1: The Ultra-agile humanoid.” I mean do we need to make the robots ultra agile? Why not just agile? And we taught it karate? Plus it only weighs 55 lbs. Bitch.

2025 World Box Office:

Ne Zha 2

I don’t know what Ne Zha 1 is let alone Ne Zha 2.

—

Happy New Year to everyone but the people who picked Cloud Dancer!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 18:44:42 GMT

It’s the quickie- my quick takes of the week.

—

Mark Epstein insists that when he emailed his brother Jeffrey “ask if Putin has the photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” he was not referring to Bill Clinton.

Um, ok…who does Putin have photos of Donald Trump blowing then? We’re not really seeing the forest through the trees here.

While on Epstein…

It’s Ghee-lane.

Ghislaine is pronounced in English with a hard G and no S. People will sort through 2300 emails but can’t google how to pronounce the woman’s name. Ghee-lane.

Donald Trump is still a sassy gay man trapped alongside a thousand hamburgers inside an old golfer’s body.

Not only can his insults compete with any old queen’s, he’s inexplicably blasting musical theatre (Phantom of the Opera) at the white house. This week he also told a reporter “quiet, piggie!” Is not “quiet piggie” something a gay choreographer might snap when interrupted during tap rehearsal?

Speaking of rehearsals, China rehearsed an invasion of Taiwan.

A lot less gay and a lot less fun.

The COP30 summit goes up in flames.

In that they got nothing done…AND it literally caught on fire.

—

And that’s the quickie! Have a great weekend!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 17:37:46 GMT

Guten Morgen! (Or afternoon.) It’s this week’s quickie.

—

Hitler had a big solution to a tiny problem.

DNA analysis shows that he may very well have had a micro-penis. World domination all over a little shlang? Oy gevalt.

Speaking of men compensating for something…
Blue origin just landed a new rocket. Have we checked all these guys for Hitler’s little dick gene?

Chanel No. 5 or wife No. 5?

Trump sprayed Syrian president Ahmed al-Sharaa with his (I’m sure awful) cologne and offered another bottle for his wife. “How many wives? One? With you guys I never know.”

Are UCSD students smarter than a 5th grader?

Apparently not. The UCSD math department administered a test to 138 students in a remedial math class and 25% of them couldn’t subtract 6 from 9.

And finally we shut down the shutdown.

Flights are back on, so unfortunately Americans are going to have to go home for thanksgiving after all.

—

That’s it! It’s quick!

Have a great weekend.

Mamdani and the Rise of the Vibe Movement

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 17:50:52 GMT

“We’re putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade.”

This is what Kennedy once promised the nation. He didn’t say “we’re going to build rockets that burn liquid oxygen and kerosene thrusting rockets out of Earth’s lower atmosphere at a speed of…”

No. Man on the moon. End of the decade.

This is good messaging for obvious reasons. Simple. Daring. Sounds cool. This kind of messaging works. And this week it worked for Zohran Mamdani. Free buses, free groceries, free freedom free.

Simple. Daring. Sounds cool.

The difference between Kennedy and Mamdani of course is that NASA could reasonably reach to put a man on the moon, whereas Mamdani cannot reasonably expect to enact a single policy on which he campaigned.

I’ve been pretty perplexed that the people in my life who publicly advocate for him don’t know this. Googling how taxes in NYC are raised and discovering that the mayor cannot do that alone is pretty accessible. Why are Mamdani voters so primed to just fill in the little bubble next to his name and trust the process?

I blame it on what I call the Vibe Movement.

What is the Vibe Movement?

The Vibe Movement is the invisible force that is galvanizing the American left at a captivating (some might say alarming) rate. It is the movement in the streets and Ivy League quads and TikTok feeds. It is a movement Mamdani helped build. It is the youth Movement of today and I think it is very annoying.

But the Vibe Movement is special. The Vibe Movement is not like other girls.

Most (if not all) movements in our country have had tangible policy goals: people of all races should be equal under the law, women should have the right to vote, gay people should be able to marry. Even MAGA harkens back to the past- something that already exists.

This movement behind Mamdani is asking for…what exactly?

Justice everywhere for everyone? Ok.

How exactly? No one knows.

When exactly? No one knows that either.

No one knows anything. And it’s beautiful. The Vibe Movement is a word cloud of vague idealism: Liberation, Equal, Peace, Togetherness, Free. What do these things mean in practice? How can they be achieved?

Who can say? Who cares? There is no there there. It is just vibes.

And the vibes are fun. The vibes are young, hot, energizing and cool. The vibes are whatever you need them to be. The vibes are diverse one-ness. The vibes are soviet neoliberal. The vibes are pacifist resistance. The vibes are going to annihilate Israel, but in a peace way unless…no justice no peace. The vibes are going to overthrow our economic system for socialism, but not actually socialism- unless you do actually want socialism, in which case the vibes are here to do that most definitely. The vibes are going to eat the rich with Qatari money. The vibes are so very gay liberation but also manosphere.

The vibes are anything you want them to be, and more- and less. The vibes are so, so good, and they are going to do it all.

And what’s more- there is a very low bar of entry to the Vibe Movement. The Vibe Movement asks very little of you. The Vibe Movement is like tinker bell. All you need to do to keep it alive…is believe.

While the Vibe Movement does not have any genuine solutions, it is responding to genuine problems. People believe we can do better and they’re not wrong. We are the richest society ever. Indeed we are capable of affordable, safe, functional cities. We put a man on the moon! But that’s because we knew where we were going.

Where are we going now?

I believe Mamdani may as well be trying to lead us toward putting a koala on Mars. His ideas are technically possible, but I really don’t think they are going to happen.

The Vibe Movement is a good hang. It’s a fun road trip, but a road-trip to nowhere- or as revolutionaries oft forget is possible- very possibly somewhere shittier.

When it comes to tangible needs- food, shelter, ceasefires- vibes are useless. Policy to feed people or end wars is not about the journey, it’s about the destination. If you are serious about improving the world, you care about where you’re going and how.

You want to make it to the moon.

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 21:37:39 GMT

Boo!

It’s the quickie.

—

Trick or Treat? UPenn got trick.

Someone hacked the University of Pennsylvania’s email system and sent all alumni an email that read, “The University of Pennsylvania is a dog shit elitist institution full of woke retards. We have terrible security practices and are completely unmeritocratic.” I’m sure some administrators got quite the scare!

Mamdani said when the boot of the NYPD is on your neck, know it was laced by the IDF.

What are you talking about Willis? The IDF can’t even afford laces for its own reservists. Also I highly doubt the centuries old legacy of police brutality in the United States would disintegrate were it not for the Jewish army on the other side of the world.

U.S. equity markets paused recent gains as investors await major tech earnings and decisions from the Federal Reserve.

I actually can’t comment on that I have no idea what that means.

Something terrible is happening in Sudan?
I’m not sure, no one seems to care.

Elon musk started his own Wikipedia, Grokipedia.

A pretty bland name for Elon. Here are my other names I think he’d like:

FactXplosion. So Fire.

FactHole. It goes deep.

Boringpedia- It’s silly because he’s saying his own thing’s boring and it’s not boring!

WikiDoge. So Fact. Must Learn.

XPedia. A lay up, no?

Whatever the hell his one kid’s named. X Æ A 4 something something?

—

Boo!

Scared you again. Happy Halloween!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 20:05:43 GMT

Quick! My takes from the week.

Credit where credit’s due.

President Trump got all the living Israeli hostages home. A lot of dems seem to have trouble acknowledging that fact. I don’t care what color a person’s skin is (in this case orange) or what god they pray to (in this case the mirror) -good work is good work.

A man with no plan.

Mamdani says he has no thoughts on Hamas. He wants peace, but no thoughts on how. Who needs policy and logistics when you can simply find a wishing well?

Big Ball’s assailants get a slap on the wrist.

That’s unfortunately a complete and serious sentence.

The “ceasefire now” crowd said less this week about the ceasefire than they did about the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

It’s an open secret that a ceasefire isn’t really what they want.

Can Jews finally exhale and try being happy?

Why start now?

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That’s it! Quick is quick!

Have a great weekend!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 19:22:32 GMT

Greetings! It’s the quickie- my quick takes of the week.

Ceasefire now is so yesterday.

No, literally it was yesterday. I didn’t see any posts from the ceasefire now crowd. I guess it’s out of fashion.

Trump told Fox Iran will be part of “the whole peace situation”

Ah yes, and now let us all bow our heads and pray for a lasting “peace situation.”

It’s World Mental Health Day.

In my word, every day is mental health day.

Texas halted the execution of death row inmate Robert Roberson.

Who should be executed is his parents, for giving him that name.

Chivalry is dead and buried.

I was walking into my building carrying packages and a man dropped the door on me. The only men who open doors for me are begging for change outside a 7/11.

Trump’s putting his face on more money.

Not bitcoin, coin coin. One new coin will read “fight, fight, fight!” How long until our money says “In Trump We Trust?”

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That’s it, I told you it was quick. May we earnestly see the hostages home and a lasting peace situation!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 22:20:10 GMT

Extra quick today as I’m very busy lounging poolside on vacation.

We all love Jane Goodall.

But we can admit sometimes it got a little weird, right?

Hamas says “yes, but…”

Does that sound like yes? Imagine if you proposed to someone and they said “yes, but…”

ICE is rounding up US citizens based on “how they look.”

I don’t know what the joke is about that.

If you’re Jewish,

I hope you had a fast as easy as I am.

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That’s all! Have a great weekend!

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 26 Sep 2025 18:29:31 GMT

Happy Jewish New Year! Here are my quick takes of the week.

I’m taking Tylenol for two.

Just some exciting personal news.

The gates of heaven are open, girl.

If you’re Jewish and celebrating the new year, go reflect on what it means to be your truest self, girl.

The UN chose to convene a Security Council meeting on Gaza during Rosh Hashanah.

That’s ok, I’d rather sit at temple watching people blow shofars than at the UN where they only blow hot air.

Trump reveals TikTok’s price tag: 14 billion.

Its cost in collective American IQ points? About the same.

Not one of the guys I’ve dated this year has reached out during these holy days of repentance.

Curious…

Netanyahu spoke to as many people at the UN as there are Jews in Jewish Voice for Peace.

That is to say, what, five persons?

Happy Jewish New Year!

Even if I don’t like you.

The Quickie

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 19 Sep 2025 17:49:26 GMT

It’s Friday and so it’s time for The Quickie, where I share my quick takes of the week. Enjoy!

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Late night has been put to sleep.

I knew it was sick but I wasn’t expecting the President of the United States to take it out back and shoot it.

Fubo who, doe?

Apparently Disney/ABC wants to acquire the sports streaming service (never heard of it) which could also help explain the Kimmel fiasco.

Hey! I want my MRNA

Even people who want them have to have a pre-existing condition. That is batshit.

The Taliban is turning off the internet across parts of Afghanistan.

Can they turn it off here too? Maybe just for a day? I think Instagram is killin gus.

This is (NOT) Sparta

Bibi said Israel should think of itself as “super-Sparta.” Really great look for Israel to internationally project itself as the most famous militaristic society of all time.

A house divided cannot stand.

How we lookin?

Trump says after sending in the national guard, there is no more crime in Washington D.C.

It’s a miracle!

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That’s it, I call it the quickie for a reason. Have a great weekend

The Quickie - September 12, 2025

Chelsea Jacobson — Fri, 12 Sep 2025 15:12:04 GMT

When we don’t like someone’s politics we do not just fatally shoot them. Like really what the fuck?

If you are in Hamas, skip the all hands. Even Qatar isn’t safe anymore. If more than four leaders are on the calendar invite, call in sick.

Trump’s private Rose Garden Club is disgusting and I would like to be a member. Please reach out if you can make that happen.

Unemployment is rising- and I’m contributing. My parents aren’t thrilled.

Please do not bring polio back. Florida wants to ban vaccine mandates. Sure, make children needlessly paralyzed again. What kind of Dark Ages freak shit is this?

Russian jets in Poland is not awesome. No one really seems bothered? Let’s keep an eye on that.

Liberal democrats into political violence aren’t liberal. They need a new name. Green (Hair) Party? Bullshit Moose party? Work in progress. I’m writing this quick, ok?

That’s it. Have a good weekend.