yet you expect my heart to stay strong,

my eyes to be dry

some go into fight or flight,

I go into freeze

I stop and for a moment I have no thoughts,

I just beg God for ease

I tell you to hold on, don’t give in

maybe soon comes the relief

but I can’t even listen to myself, how can I expect you to take it all in?

I’ve tried time after time

to hope for the best,

because thinking of a future without you feels like a crime

but it’s inevitable, everyone at some point must rest.

I’m no different than a leaf

seasons change and so do I

you feel cold, and so I shiver

you cry precious tears, rain, and so I drown in tremendous pain

you smile and I feel warm

you rage, I feel the storm

but does the leaf ever fall?

no longer becomes the one that others call

the one that endures it all

the one that has to stand tall

I wonder how much longer your body and I will take it

I’m begging day and night for the day I’ll see you make it

maybe in another life time you do

but for now, life is nothing but a dull grey hue

I know it will soon rain,

but I could still never prepare myself for the pain

of losing you, so please remain

with me, for I know I have nothing to gain

except for your temporary umbrella of love, to get me through the coming rain.

​I wonder if you know how much I care about you

I know it’s impossible for you to note, with everything you’ve been through

but my love and care for you isn’t limited to an act or two

it isn’t defined by how I make you a stew

when you can barely eat, can barely chew

but my care and love expands beyond words could explain

I wish you never have to go on that plane

that takes the souls who’ve had much to complain

but if you’ve lived all you’re meant to gain

then maybe you’re meant to go and be at peace

though the plane won’t arrive at the place we’ve always wanted to go to: greece

the love I have for you allows me to let you go - my love, all I’ve ever wished for you was ease.

.

if you’ve made it this far, thank you! please know that you are not alone in this battle, if you are in it, as my intention in sharing my work is to make others feel seen :) this aspect of life is often unspoken of, and I’d love to hear your thoughts, if you had any 💌💌

forget me not.

will you remember me

or will you not

I know you’re tongue tied

your mouth a knot

you say you’re with me

but sooner or later, you will not

are you really here

ringing in my ear is all I hear

hold me, tell me you’re near

I’m living in either the future or the past

can’t seem to let the present moment last

too in my head

my head in a cloud

thoughts are too loud

but if they’re about you, they’re allowed

to think of you is to keep you alive

I’m scared of the ocean

but for you I’d dive

deep into my darkest thoughts, into the unknown.

of you there can never be a clone

so please, don’t leave me alone

​

without the thought of you my mind will rot

but, if you must go,

then please, forget me not.​

resides the ocean.

The ocean cannot speak.

The ocean cannot express its feelings.

The ocean can only reflect the sky’s emotions.

Like an empath who’s profoundly impacted by and concerned for the lives of others while dying to be heard,

the water is constantly vigilant,

analyzing the state of the clouds above,

as it suppresses its own

and attempts to brush it off.

Every crashing wave is a silent cry.

Every crashing wave is an attempt to get by.

That’s really all it can do.

If you choose to take a swim,

beware of the acrid scent reminding you of its endurance throughout the years,

and beware of the taste of its tears;

those that burn the skin,

and hurt like the subtle, yet haunting urge to repent from a sin.

The sky is unpredictable.

Like a moody teenager,

its laugh fills the atmosphere with golden hues,

then it sulks beneath a veil of cloudy gloom.

The ocean can sense when the sky is about to break down in tears,

when it's feeling tense,

and when it pretends to be fierce.

But remember, it cannot express how it personally feels.

So it holds its breath and turns into a dull-grey expanse,

just like the sky.

In doing so, it causes the wind to rage and howl,

the palm trees are now barely holding on,

and the shivering bush is turning into a maroon brown.

Notice how all these elements are flexible, adaptive, and sensitive? They all sway and flow in their own way.

Except for the sky above.

The world is a cruel place,

with unfair privileges underscoring the need to pause time and space,

to understand that an ecosystem is incomplete without plants, water, and land. Yet, it is the sky that controls the pace.

So tell me, when will our world become a more equitable place?

​

PS: This poem is a little different, as it focuses on emotions and power dynamics. However, the first half can be viewed through the lens of grief or anticipatory grief. The ocean doesn't get to choose its own colours; it just reflects the sky above it. When you’re living with anticipatory grief, you become the water. You find yourself constantly analyzing the room, bracing for the storm, and suppressing your own feelings just to keep the peace for the person who is fading.

You can also view this poem through a family dynamic lens, political lens, patriarchal lens, racial lens, etc.

​

I’m not sure if being self-aware is a good thing, because there’s way too many emotions happening at once and for some reason it’s my mission to analyze, rather than really feel.

"Grief is not a disease to be cured or a puzzle to be solved. It is an ambient condition of life, a state of being." — Dr. Lucy Kalanithi

A little over a year ago, my mother got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I’ve experienced every crappy emotion under the sun, and it still doesn’t feel enough. I’ll go into that in another article, but I’m now at a really odd stage. I know her time will come soon. I don’t want it to, and I’ve been in denial for the longest time. Recently, however, I’ve been on the grief side of social media, liking posts about grief and relating to stories… basically doing anything to accept things.

"Anticipatory grief is a way of bracing oneself against the wind... We are trying to buy time, trying to rehearse a play whose script we do not yet have." — Megan Devine

And so I breakdown and live with this anticipatory grief, in hopes that I mentally prepare myself for when it happens. Now, this isn’t as simple as it may seem. Maybe you’re in my boat, maybe you know someone who is (although typically we wouldn’t share this in hopes of not being a burden), but the idea is that it alters the way your mind is meant to function.

As humans, we look for patterns. If someone’s consistantly not doing well, we may lose hope. If they start doing better, we have hope. When you’re on a mission to mentally prepare yourself and grieve in advance for loss, this weird thing happens where you judge your every emotion and don’t really know how you should feel. If you feel hopeful because on the surface they’re smiling and talking, then you take away from the grieving progress. If you stay pessimistic, you’re not really living in the moment. And so my question is, how should one feel?

I don’t think there’s one answer to that. But, what eases your mind, would be one suggestion. Realistically, no one needs to mentally prepare for the best case scenario. What’s tough though, is preparing for the worst. And for that, we need acceptance and exposure to material that may be depressing and grief related, but in the long run, it’ll keep you two steps ahead, should the shock happen.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken." — C.S. Lewis

But really, you should also cherish the good moments, you don’t know when they’ll happen again. Anticipatory grief messes with your head because it makes you ignore patterns that may be positive, for the sake of “not losing progress”. It’s strange. But, so are my reflections. Feel free to follow along my journey, especially if any of this resonated. You’re not alone <3