Dear Reader,

I could have just as easily titled this “things I’m no longer doing as a woman” generally, rather than specify it by age, since these types of ‘micro-awakenings’ seem to be happening now more than ever, with the continued rise of information bombardment—as women (and men) continue to question all of the various constructs that have been built up around us.

But I feel like the juxtaposition of “girl” and “mid-forties” is more precise than just “woman” here.

If I say “woman in my mid-forties” it still has a negative connotation, even to me and I am one. Which could definitely be because I grew up watching TV shows where the moms were styled like they were old ladies and the “old ladies” were supposed to be in their 50s—and the placeholder image in my brain hasn’t caught up to current reality.

Women depicted in their 40s+ in the 80s and 90s (some of them were still in their 30s IRL):

Women in their 40s and 50s now:

Despite so many examples today of aspirational, HOT women in their forties and beyond, if the phrase “woman in my mid-forties” isn’t attached to a specific name, it still conjures an image à la Cindy Walsh on Beverly Hills, 90210. That is, someone who is no longer cool, no longer “gets it”, whatever any of that means (but we all know what it means).

And if I just say “things I’m no longer doing as a girl” and end there, it doesn’t capture the wisdom (dare I say gravitas) that only comes from spending a certain amount of time here.

“Girl in my mid-forties” it is.

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Things I’m no longer doing as a girl in my mid-forties

(Limited to fashion/beauty things for now):

Painting my nails or toenails.

I’ve been doing (and casually mentioning) bare nails for years now without giving it much thought, so it feels silly to see it so blown up as a current trend. (I also find the discourse around it to be silly—if getting manicures/painting your nails brings you legit joy, by all means keep doing it! Being yourself = cool.)

In my case, going bare saves me time and money, my nails are healthier, and I think it looks chic.

Wearing heels for more than a rare occasion.

My husband and I schedule little overnight stays a few times a year. To dinner on those nights, and a few other rare occasions where it’s a legitimate dress-up affair, I will break out my collection of designer heels that I built up during what you could say were my peak fashion shopping years. Other than that, I’m in flats—which no longer has anything to do with appearing “too tall” (this was something I worried about as a tall girl in my teens and early adulthood). Now I love being tall. Wearing flats is a choice about my own comfort, pragmatism, and aesthetic.

The late, great Alber Elbaz once told Natalie Portman: “Wear flats. You’re short. It’s much cooler not to pretend.” Different heights, same premise.

Getting botox.

I wrote last fall that I was over the perfectly lineless faces, and that continues to be true.

Looks like this has also made it to hot trend status, with similar forces driving it: saving time and money, potential health reasons, and perhaps mostly, a mini-rebellion against fakeness and a swing toward things that are real.

Wearing mascara.

I’ve mentioned before: my eyes are a little inset, my skin can get shiny, and the older I get, the more easily I can cry at any moment—all of which mean mascara inevitably creates black marks under my eyes. So I stopped wearing it. Apparently now it’s a no-mascara summer.

Wearing much makeup in general.

Most days I wash my face, moisturize, and finish with either liquid face sunscreen and a bit of face powder (my face gets shiny like I said), or this amazing sunscreen + face powder in one. And maybe my fav clear lip balm. That’s it.

Using retinol and/or doing a 10-step skincare routine.

I’ve been into skincare since I was a girl and have been known, among those who know me best, for my dedication to my nightly skincare routine. I’d say—like many of my peak fashion investments—the investment has paid off. But the skincare routine has def been simplified, and I think it’s better. (Once the peak sun of summer is over tho, I am interested in trying this in place of my nightly moisturizer.)

Wearing fragrance, or using scented anything.

I keep seeing things about how teens (boys and girls alike) are obsessed with fragrances. Teen years = peak insecurity and masking.1

Buying anything new that requires dry cleaning.

I have enough of that stuff from the peak shopping years. The one exception might be something super special that’s vintage (or if I suddenly get invited to sit at a table at the Golden Globes).

P.S. I just parted with several silk button-downs, including some older J.Crew ones, because I don’t want to dry clean every time I wear them (also they no longer fit right—see below). I saw J.Crew just introduced a 90s inspired capsule in cupro, which is similar to silk but machine washable—smart! I don’t love a lot of the colors but this button-down in pale pink is gorg.

Keeping items in my closet that don’t fit or aren’t flattering.

Thankfully I am still able to fit some of the stuff from the peak shopping era. Part of my motivation to eat healthy and exercise is definitely so that I can still fit into my clothes lol. But the body inevitably changes as we age, and after pregnancy. I’m no longer hanging onto things I wore at 22, no matter how gorgeous they are, that are no longer serving me. Same goes for anything I find too complicated or too uncomfortable to wear.

You could say the reason some of the things on my list have suddenly become hot trends is that I’ve been subconsciously ingesting the same larger trend forces as others in my orbit. Or that I’ve just given up some of these things to save money2 (many are saying the trends away from manicures and botox are recession indicators).

Both likely true. But it might be better, if obtusely, described by something that came to me via an email exchange about dachshunds.

I keep a running list of random ideas I think of to write about, and I’ve had “things I didn’t learn until my 40s” as a topic for over a year now.

The two things I had initially written down were:

1. to cook eggs on low heat

2. that “dachshund” and “doxon” dogs are the same thing. (I thought “dachshund” was pronounced “dash-hoond” and was a completely different dog.)

Lol.

Since the initial idea, I’ve scribbled down (or more accurately, voice-to-texted to a google doc—blurg) a few more opaque things, but the topic continues to sit on my list, waiting to be written.

I had an email exchange about that original idea with 3 last year (the conversation started with something she wrote referencing her love of dachshunds), and she generously sent me this, that her godmother had sent to her, as inspiration for my piece:

In Praise of Women over 40, by Andy Rooney.4

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it…

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her….

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

For the latest edition of Cheap Things That are Chic™, I put together some seriously good and seriously cheap (or free!) finds—all things I’ve consumed recently, plus a few things still on my list.

There’s a lot here, and it’s a wide range—would love to hear your thoughts on any of it.

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The best one-piece swimsuit

Left On Friday Streamline Suit. I’ve tried so many and I’ve never been as in love with a swimsuit as I have with this one, as finding one that’s flattering but also comfortable, and sexy-ish but not inappropriate in a family setting, is apparently a tall order. I’m also tall, so finding one-pieces that are long enough is also challenging. This LOF one checks every box (and comes in both regular and tall length) and I find myself reaching for it almost every time I need to put on a swimsuit. The fabric somehow keeps everything in place, without being annoyingly tight to put on like some of the other suits I’ve tried (and somehow it’s more flattering IRL than on the models). I have the black one but want it in more colors, especially the white and red. At $200 it’s not cheap per se, but as always for CTTAC™, this is about value for money. Cost-per-wear!

Two great mineral sunscreen options, and a nontoxic multipurpose sanitizing spray

I recently revamped my skincare routine, and my research double-confirmed my preference for mineral sunscreens over chemical ones.1 Without getting too into the weeds, chemical sunscreens go deeper into your skin and can cause skin irritation/inflammation which is terrible for skin aging. They’re also absorbed into your blood stream while physical/mineral ones stay on top of skin.

Brush On Block SPF 30 Translucent Mineral Powder. I first learned that this type of brush on sunscreen powder existed from a friend a few years ago and thought it was the best invention ever. I’ve written about the Colorescience version before, which I still like, but just discovered this one and love it more! It’s more affordable, the applicator works much better, it’s super clean, easily refillable, and the brand is independently owned by a mom who created it for her daughters.

Magic Molecule Hypochlorous Acid Spray. Have you heard of hypochlorous acid spray? Apparently it’s a totally nontoxic way to sanitize things—you can spray it on your face and body to refresh and help with all sorts of skin issues including breakouts and eczema. You can spray it on your hands as a healthier version of hand sanitizer. They also use it in hospitals. The reason I included it in this sunscreen section is because you can also use it as a super convenient way to clean the brush applicator on the Brush On Block sunscreen. Amazing!

Avocado Zinc SPF 50 Natural Physical Sunscreen. I learned about this one via a mom/celebrity aesthetician who is in my mom’s group (the sunscreen is carried on her website). The ingredients are great, the price is better than similar formulas, and it rubs in smoothly and easily, which is especially good when I’m applying it quickly to my daughter’s face as we’re running out the door to school in the morning (which I do most mornings because especially on sunnier days it feels more comprehensive—but if we’re in even more of a rush I use the Brush On Block on her! They have a kid’s one too that’s easier for kids to apply themselves but I just share mine at this point.)

Necessary summer bags

Inexpensive but good quality straw tote. I’ve been looking for an inexpensive tote to replace the one I’ve been using as my “everyday baseline bag”. I love a designer bag as much as the next gal, but I’m also a bit obsessive about keeping my nice things nice—I’m talking about the bag I throw into the car for school dropoffs, etc that contains everything from the brush-on sunscreen and my fav lip balms to my daughter’s water bottle/snacks/notepad with colored pencils. It has to be something I won’t mind wearing out. This straw tote from Uniqlo is on my list as a summer replacement to the everyday bag, and/or as a good beach bag.

No frills waterproof phone case. I went to the beach with my husband and daughter last weekend, and now that my daughter is a bit older it is just so much more relaxing. I was able to bring my book and actually read it! It made me want to spend more time at the beach, so I thought it would be nice to not have to worry about getting water or sand in my phone while I’m there—even if it’s ideally left in the wagon (another beach game changer) the whole time.

My enduring bodycare items

Note these are all fragrance free by choice. Once you go fragrance free even the more natural scents in body care start to feel intrusive.

F&M fragrance free face & body wash, 32oz (SOAP AF+). The bottle itself looks great in my shower, but it also doubles as face & body wash which means less clutter in there, and the large bottle size means it lasts so much longer, which is so much more convenient and sustainable in multiple senses of the word. The formula is the perfect balance of hydrating & gentle, good-for-skin, that’s also good at removing makeup and sunscreen, which many of the gentler formulas don’t do as well.

F&M fragrance free lotion, 16oz glass btl (LOTION AF). Again, the large bottle is convenient AF and the clean formula is just more practical (rubs in easily) for all-day hydration than a body oil.

F&M unflavored lip balm (LIP BALM AF, Set of 4). Have these stashed everywhere.

Necessaire fragrance free AHA roll-on deodorant. I’ve mentioned this so many times I’ve lost count. On top of being healthier the best thing about this is that it doesn’t get gross white stuff on your clothes and it doesn’t cause yellow armpit stains!!

Some summer fashion staples

Ralph Lauren Iconic Classic Fit Mesh Polo Shirt. Polo and RL are having a moment. The classic polo looks fresh right now, but it’s also a classic so you’ll have it forever. It looks more polished than a regular tee. Love all the colors but if I just got one it would prob be the gray—aka the summer version of a neutral gray sweatshirt that goes with everything.

Uniqlo Mesh Sweater. I was looking at options for when the thing I felt like wearing was a sweatshirt (one of my fav things to wear can you tell) but it’s too hot for that. I have this Uniqlo one in the beige color and love it in black too. I can wear it with just a bra underneath (can’t be bothered anymore with things that are complicated to wear) and it’s not too sheer. Size up for looser fit (I got a size L and love it). Speaking of sweatshirts, I got this limited edition bright green one when I visited ’s shop in LA earlier this spring and love it.

Uniqlo low profile beige sneakers. These are part of the collection designed by Clare Waight Keller (iykyk) and look expensive. Love that there are no labels/logos. They run slightly big; choose a half size down if you like a more snug fit.

Cotton On Jackson Utility Pant. My husband and I have deemed these “hip hop pants”. They’re low rise and very baggy but very cute, especially when balanced with a smaller top. The next place it would be appropriate I’m going to wear mine paired with an Hermès scarf worn as a tube top tied at the back (remember this?) A lot of the colors/sizes are already sold out but the navy is newer and still has all sizes as of publishing. I’m loving lower-rise things lately. Have also been very into wearing navy.

Relaxed Linen-Blend Wide-Leg Pants from Gap Factory. These are crazy cheap and are great for when it’s too hot for jeans/regular pants but you’re still in the mood to wear pants. I have them in multiple colors—love that you can order them in different lengths.

Classic Summer Slide by Salt Water. Chloë Sevigny just wore them on a trip to Massachusetts. Apparently she’s been wearing this classic 4^th gen family-owned brand since at least 2020.

Some summer sparkle for your neck

Dorsey Bennington Riviere Necklace in Lab White Sapphire

Dorsey Floating Eternity Necklace in 5MM Moissanite

Dorsey Kate Riviere Necklace in 3.75MM Moissanite

The perfect poolside drink + snack

Drink: Club soda + olive juice. I wrote about this last time. And if you’re an olive person have you seen these? I first saw them on Shark Tank and thought what a good idea.

Snack: Jicama slices sprinkled with lemon juice and Tajin2. I think I was first introduced to jicama by my college roommate at FIT (now a v talented baker with style). I hadn’t had it in quite a while, when my mom friend smartly pulled out a thing of jicama slices at the pool last weekend and reminded me that it just might be the perfect summer snack. Watermelon sprinkled with Tajin (and ofc plain) is also delish, but much messier—we were literally handing the jicama sticks (sprinkled only with lemon juice, no seasoning) to our 4.5 year olds while they were in the pool, without worrying about juicy bits dripping into the water.

Good books I’ve read recently

Keith McNally’s memoir. In addition to the gleaned wisdom and insights, and his enjoyably self-deprecating way of writing, in this, and Empire of the Elite which I read earlier this year, it was interesting to see the history of how so many of these players fit/relate to each other.

Babe Paley’s granddaughter’s memoir of marriage.3 Even though everyone was saying how good this was, when I heard what it was about I didn’t think I’d actually want to read it—but I was convinced by my daughter’s preschool teacher and was pleasantly surprised. Very good.

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. I’m reading this now.

Yesteryear. Haven’t read this yet but it’s next on my list.

Thought-provoking content I’ve recently consumed

Thanks for reminding me of this photo. My office looks similar:

The Giants art exhibit from the collection of Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz. Went to see this with a friend a few weeks ago—love BK art in SD:

It’s a weird time to be alive:

the old world is dying.

Better Sex, Better Hair, Better Sleep: ‘Humanmaxxing’ Is Here.

Keep Your Identity Small. By Paul Graham from 2009 (referenced in the article above). Interesting credits!

Not For Everyone (A brief history of conviction over consensus). I wrote this one for F&M🖤

Xoxo with love,

Cher4

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Dear Reader,

I’ve never been a big goal setter. For better or worse, it’s never really resonated with me—maybe because my top priorities have always been more intangible. And maybe because I recognized early on that I only have so much control. Setting sights on specific targets usually feels somewhat useless.

So I don’t.

But at the start of this year, my seventh year of FORK & MELON, I did set some specific “goal-adjacent” priorities. One was coming up with the idea for the new Sink Confessionals series of this newsletter, which you’ll see more of in future posts. One was growing F&M’s presence in high-end hospitality. Some exciting progress has been made there… !!

And one was to continue “getting over my own BS” and push myself more out of my comfort zone.

For someone who has always preferred developing long-term relationships and keeping a more curated friend group, one of the ways I’ve been getting over myself this year has been to make more of an effort to attend things I may not have otherwise.1 Things that might be described as “networking opportunities”, tho I hate that phrase.

One such event was a gathering up at the Soho House Holloway in LA a few weeks ago, hosted by my mom’s group—a mom’s group “for moms who never thought they’d join a mom’s group”, perfect for a typically “non-joiner type” like me—where the conversation centered around identity and ambition.

The discussion was led by two successful mom founders, and an assertion one of them made was that, behind their polished founder stories and problems they’re trying to solve, the real reason founders start businesses is because all founders have some outsized measure of insecurity, something to prove, a chip on their shoulder—which is the real reason they’re so driven to succeed.

One talked about getting so caught up in their need for “success” and the desire to prove herself that she returned to work ~2 weeks after her first child was born. She also said she had stopped taking care of herself, which eventually led to her being forced to take extra care of herself due to a major health issue.

The conversation hit something I’ve been thinking about for a while, which is that

there’s often a paradox between inner success and outer success.

Like if you see someone flaunting their wealth, their body, their clout, their intelligence, their morality, or any myriad of outward success measures—it feels like the inverse is what actually comes through: it’s an obvious signal there’s a gaping hole inside this person they’re desperately trying to fill.

While showing up confidently, humbly as you are—the ultimate flex.

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Cliffs and Fog

I recently listened to an episode of Oprah’s podcast (not in my regular rotation) where she had a guy named Jim Collins on, talking about his latest book What to Make of a Life. The theme of the podcast episode was “How to Navigate Life’s Big Transitions”. He talked about how we all go through what he called “cliffs” in our lives—big, de-stabilizing events that cause us to lose our footing, lose our sense of who we are. It could be losing a job, getting a health diagnosis or an injury, loss of a loved one, or any number of things that cause us to question who we are and our relationship to the world. He said after the “cliff” comes the “fog” where we’re navigating the unknown. Where you feel out of alignment and like things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to be going. Where questions like “what am I supposed to be doing” abound. He said some people never get out of the fog. I think naming these periods is helpful to realize that they’re temporary.

I also just heard Billie Eilish tell a story about how she has loved to sing for as long as she can remember. She grew up in a musical family, and music and opportunities to sing were a big part of her early life. She also started dancing at a young age, and by the time she was around 12, she was so into dance that she was taking classes in all the different forms and excitedly getting ready to perform in a big dance competition.

Leading up to the competition, her dance teacher had happened to hear her singing with her brother for fun and asked if they could write a song for one of the dances in the competition. Not thinking much about it, and always enjoying writing songs with each other, Billie and Finneas created a song and uploaded it to Soundcloud only because it was the easiest way to send the song to her dance teacher.

In the weeks leading up to the dance competition, Billie practiced and practiced. She couldn’t wait to be on stage and show her passion and talent for dance. Finally, she reached the final rehearsal. She performed her dances perfectly.

Before leaving the last rehearsal, her teacher asked her to repeat it once more so they could get it on film.

She did—and she injured her hip so badly she was bedridden the entire next week and had to be on crutches for several weeks (months?) after. She never got to perform in the dance competition she had worked so hard for.

She was so devastated that she never danced again.

Meanwhile in the background, the song she had uploaded without thinking continued to gain traction.

The song that she and her brother created because her dance teacher had asked for it was the thing that launched her singing career—her first love.

In many ways I feel like my life has been a series of waiting periods, or being “in the fog”. Long periods of fog, followed by finally getting the thing I was waiting for. Or something better.

The drink of the summer

I saw 2 posted recently on insta that the new drink of the summer is club soda with olive juice…and I say yes please! I’ve been drinking less and less alcohol but it’s still nice to have a special drink—I generally don’t like sweet drinks (also don’t want extra sugar) and have always loved dirty martinis, so this sounds super refreshing and chic. Have it in a highball, or in a martini glass with olives for extra fun. Someone in the comments of the post also suggested spiced tomato juice with ice cold sparkling water, which I also want to try.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

Sometimes I struggle writing this newsletter as I’ve yet to commit to a simple formula, which is often a quicker path to “success”, but not what feels right to me. You could say the throughline of it is fashion & style, which allows me to talk about many different topics: philosophy, health, culture, my business, marriage, motherhood, grief, travel, art, etc.

How we present ourselves is such a big part of our shared experience. Fashion is psychology, relationships, mindset, politics—a reflection of culture and the current state of affairs. Fashion is your beliefs about yourself and others. Fashion is life!

For several reasons, I don’t do a lot of the “this is what I’m buying lately” posts. One of which is that, also for several reasons, I’m not actually buying that much lately.1

Also, I’ve always tried to avoid falling into clichés.

However—for this post, the nontoxic pans specifically pushed me over the edge to share a few things I’m into right now and thought you might be interested too.

Latest edition of Cheap Things That Are Chic™ below:

Actually nonstick, actually nontoxic pans

I found out about these Misen carbon nonstick pans several months ago from my (cool) mom’s group and had them on my list to buy, as they were the only option I’d heard of that were everything I was looking for in everyday pans: actually nonstick, actually nontoxic, and easy to care for & use.

I was randomly gifted a set by the brand recently (I must have manifested them) and have been using them. I’m obsessed! If you know me you know I do not say that lightly.

If interested, you can use my code SOAPAF for 15% off:

Misen Carbon Nonstick™ Frying Pan (link to all sizes and combos)

Value set

Moisturizing sunscreen

I have a dedicated email address for my shopping emails—an aol email address my mom created for me when I was 12. I mostly go through and delete them, but I got a recent email from Violet Grey that said “SPF That Feels Like Moisturizer” and was intrigued enough to click because, like the nontoxic nonstick pan dilemma, this is something I’ve been searching for for years, i.e. a sunscreen that feels smooth and hydrating enough for me to just put it on in the morning without additional moisturizers and leaves my skin looking good. Once you hit a certain age/level of responsibility/become a parent, it’s all about cutting out steps, baby!

Also the packaging for this sunscreen looks chic, and the price point isn’t bad (especially if you order autoship on their site).

These are on my buy list for when my current sunscreen starts to run low:

Good Weather Skin SPF

Good Weather Skin bronzing SPF

Set of both

F&M lip balm

Clean/unflavored/unscented, super moisturizing, lasts long, looks good in my bag, and I don’t have to get my finger gooey to apply it. I keep these in every handbag, car, and multiple rooms in my house:

4-pack of Lip Balm AF

Fun sneakers

There was some chatter last year about sneakers being dead, which, yes—especially going into the fall there was a palpable shift to want to look more pulled together and wear “real shoes”.

But the sneakers aren’t going away. Especially now that we’re moving into spring, imagining a cool sneaker with something more feminine on top still feels good. And in our modern era of school runs, business lunches, workout classes, working from home or the office, this or that event, the opportunities for adding sneakers to the mix in a cool, comfortable way are still endless.

Especially in animal print or metallics! Which go in and out but are classic enough that you can always make them work if they feel right and you want to add a little zhuzh.

These ones caught my eye recently when I wasn’t looking:

Reebok classic AZ in cow print

adidas Japan in black & white animal print

adidas Japan in textured silver

adidas Sambas in textured silver

Puma Speedcat in silver/cream

Striped organic cotton sweaters

I just discovered these and added them to this list at the last minute. 100% organic cotton striped sweaters in a great cut for under $50:

Navy & white

Beige & ivory

Bare toenails

I’ve long had a thing against uneven/broken nails, long toenails, and chipped nail/toenail polish. My sister can confirm this.

And though I care less about these sorts of things as I get older, I still will not leave the house with unkempt nails by choice. You could say the battle between my critical eye and my wtf eyes continues.

Last fall I wrote about some timeless beauty tips that don’t require buying anything and mentioned bare, well-groomed nails as one of the “fashion people” style codes.

Despite almost always keeping my nails (well-shaped but) bare the last several years, I’ve conversely almost always kept my toenails painted. Whenever I would take off the polish, there would always be some discoloration and/or weird cloudiness or something that made me feel like I didn’t look “finished” if I wore open-toed shoes without pedicured, painted toenails.

Over the winter, there were more important things to worry about, so I went sans toenail polish the entirety of closed-toe season. And lo and behold, the discoloration and weird cloudiness eventually disappeared. Even though I mostly try to use the cleaner nail polishes, it seems like it must have been caused by the constant polish.

Now that we’re seeing warmer days, I’ve been keeping my toenails bare, groomed, and super short (almost no top whiteness showing), and have had no problem leaving the house with open-toed shoes.

I don’t see myself painting my nails or toenails any time soon.

Seems very modern…also very nineties/CBK (blurg).

Love Story

Speaking of nineties/CBK, I watched the latest episode of Love Story last night, so now I have to wait till the next one airs this Thurs. I won’t bother elaborating further, as I feel like it’s been talked about to death, except to say I LOVE IT!

The privacy aspect reminds me of the essay I wrote on privacy early last year.

MIDI

I wrote last month about exploring HRT but haven’t had a chance to set up my first call yet. One of my best friends went through Midi Health and loves it. LMK if you’ve had any experience with them or HRT in general!

shop the things I mentioned

Xoxo with love,

Cher

1

Side note related to the current economy and also just funny:

Excited for JG Zara!

Dear Reader,

One of the side benefits of becoming a parent is the opportunity to make new friends. One of the mom friends I’ve made since having my daughter I met at a little toddler gym when our girls were 16 and 18 months. They’re now almost four and a half, and my friend and I currently have a weekly catch up—the girls go to ballet class together and then we take them to a nearby pizza place afterwards.

My friend was born and raised in Lebanon. She married an American (she met him on a plane) and had her daughter here. It’s been such a cool thing to have her in my life—not only because she’s become such a great friend and we’re raising our daughters at the same time, but it’s also been so additive learning more about her perspective on all sorts of things, as someone from a part of the world that I didn’t have as much personal experience with.

Her younger brother is a luxury fashion designer based in Lebanon with the eponymous fashion label ABBAS HARAJLI. His core offerings are focused on modern haute couture evening wear and luxury bridal.

He studied at the premier fashion school in Lebanon, Esmod Beirut, where Elie Saab also trained (remember when Halle Berry wore Elie Saab when she won her Oscar in 2002?), and he started his business in 2012. Abbas Harajli’s designs have since been featured in Vogue Arabia, Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, & Elle Arabia. His work has appeared alongside designers like Zuhair Murad and Rami Kadi (who show in Paris) in Middle Eastern fashion roundups. His international profile is building, and he hopes to show in Paris in the future.

SINK CONFESSIONALS

feat. Abbas Harajli

Date recorded: 2/3/26.

Current location: Beirut, Lebanon.

1. If you had to eat the same thing for breakfast every day, what would it be?

Croissants.

2. What’s a personal rule, motto, or mantra you follow that you rarely talk about?

Be flexible.

3. What’s something you’ve quietly changed your mind about?

The Pantone color trend.

4. What’s an unfulfilled desire you have?

Being a yoga instructor.

5. What’s a small, ordinary moment in your day that you secretly enjoy?

Eating chocolate at 4pm.

6. What are some small luxuries you’d take with you if you were stranded somewhere for a while?

My skincare routine.

7. Name someone you don’t know IRL yet that you’d like to have lunch with.

Anna Wintour.

You can find his work at www.abbasharajli.com and @abbasharajli on Instagram.

Abbas has been on my target list for Sink Confessionals since I launched it. He filled out the questionnaire in early February.

At the end of February, the US and Israeli strikes on Iran triggered warfare across the region, including in Lebanon. Abbas has partnered with other Lebanese designers to donate proceeds to displaced families. Just getting to his atelier has been dangerous—he’s mostly been sheltering in place.

With love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

In my last post I introduced a new series called Sink Confessionals—a short, Proust-y questionnaire meant to be fun, real, and revealing. It’s taking a bit to line up the first round of participants, but I’m excited about who’s saying yes.

In the meantime, a few soap bubbles floating around in my brain.

(Also—if you’re in need of a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift, we’re offering complimentary luxe gift wrap through V-Day at F&M. Our bubble bath bubbles last forever.)

A Banksy Exhibit in San Diego

This past Saturday my husband and I took our 4-year-old to see the Banksy exhibit currently in San Diego. As I’ve mentioned, SD isn’t a bastion of artsy/fashionable culture (it wins in other ways), so these rarer opportunities are a treat for me.1

It takes me back to my younger self, when time and brain space had more room. I remember looking forward to Exit Through The Gift Shop back in 2010. 16 years ago.

Below are my favorite pictures I took from this recent event:

Perimenopause & HRT

I count myself lucky that I’m of perimenopausal age at a time when people are actually talking about it. (“Perimenopausal age” sounds very unsexy, but it basically just means a woman in her 40s—a very powerful, sexy thing.)

Despite what and others might (rightfully) say about Gwyneth Paltrow making controversial health claims more mainstream—and some of the downstream effects we’re seeing—you have to give GP credit for being one of the first people with a large platform to give the perimenopause conversation, among several other deserving and previously-not-talked-about topics, more air.

It’s crazy to think women even a half-generation above me largely just suffered through the 5–10 year stage before menopause with almost no acknowledgment of what was happening. When I asked my longtime gynecologist about it a couple years ago, she brushed me off: “You don’t have to worry about that yet, you won’t go through menopause until you’re at least 50.” That was the end of the conversation, and I’m pretty sure that was the last appointment I made with her.

Now there are podcasts, articles, and startups. HRT (hormone replacement therapy) has decidedly entered the chat. I have several friends on it now who rave about better sleep, steadier moods, clearer thinking, and more.2

The symptoms of perimenopause definitely aren’t just hot flashes and night sweats. They can be stranger and more insidious: sleep issues, brain fog, dry eyes, heartburn, shoulder pain, anxiety, weight gain, increased clumsiness, and racing heartbeat, among others.

Up until this point, I’ve been trying to manage any symptoms I’ve had with all the healthy lifestyle things: eating well, exercise, good sleep hygiene, cutting out most alcohol, managing stress, and lots of supplements3. But I recently realized that the increasingly frequent heartburn episodes I’ve been having are most likely hormone-related, which has prompted me to look into next steps.

Still in the process, so nothing more specific to report yet. A few friends have asked me about this so thought I’d share a bit.

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WTF Eyes

I listened to Alexa Chung on ’s Fashion Neurosis podcast a few weeks ago (it came out in November but it got pushed down on my list). Bella’s voice is so soothing. I thought it was interesting when Alexa spoke about the difference between how her eyes looked in pictures from when she was a young model in her twenties and how they look now (in her forties). She said even when she’s smiling in pictures now, she sees the difference in her eyes—not in how they’ve “aged”, but in how you can see the wisdom and sadness from more life lived. Eyes having become permanently changed, as they realize how unfair the world is. She called them her “what the f*ck eyes”.

Thoughtful people are quiet

I heard someone in media say this.4 I wrote it down, because it’s usually true—and rarely acknowledged culture. It’s almost always the loudest voices being given the most credence.

My continual hope is that on the whole, we’ll start tiring of the cartoonish (aka awful) state of things, and a more thoughtful, elevated period might emerge.5

As a self-described ‘thoughtful person’ who has mostly ‘kept quiet’, I find myself slowly becoming (thoughtfully, I hope) louder. Another symptom of the powerful, sexy forties.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

This past holiday season felt especially abundant with meaningful family gatherings.

A marked difference from last year, when my mom was in months-long recovery from massive surgeries to treat a rare disease, followed by an unexpected brain bleed that required 2 brain surgeries on my dad. I wrote a bit about each of those here and here—but one of the most notable lines I wrote back then was “in addition to the healing of her body, healing to certain relationships and dynamics in our family has begun as well.”

During my mom’s illness last year, my trans brother, who’s almost 15 years younger than me, came from across the country to visit my mom in the hospital. It was the first time he and my parents had seen or spoken to each other in 5 years.

I won’t get into the details, or the difficulties of being a would-be intermediary during those years (at least not today). But the bottom line is this: this year, we were all together again. And for the first time in many years, it was under happy circumstances.

After literally praying every day for 5 or 6 years straight for our family to come back together, and mostly feeling like it was impossible—it was a f*cking miracle.

But that’s the thing about getting something you’ve wanted for such a long time. When you finally get it, it usually feels right. It feels normal. Almost a bit anticlimactic.

Because by then, you’ve grown into the person it feels normal to (a miracle in itself).

The day after our big gathering, where my dog of almost 15 years seemed to be having the time of his life, showing more energy than he had in a long while—my little teacup yorkie that I got when I was single, who saw me through everything that’s happened in my life over the last 15 years: meeting my husband, buying a house, starting my business, having my daughter—unexpectedly passed away peacefully in his bed, while we were all out having dinner at InNOut Burger. The last night of my brother’s visit. 3 days before Christmas.

It was very emotional, and kind of a beautifully sad poem. My sister-in-law suggested it was almost as if he said, “I can now go in peace knowing that my family is together.”

I think that’s right.

My husband, daughter, and I had some space to grieve the loss—and to process the familial miracle we had just witnessed. We each painted a rock in Zeus’ honor and held a memorial for him.

On Christmas day, we gathered again with most everyone (and some welcome additions) at my sister’s house. We facetimed my brother and passed the phone around.

The day after Christmas, we left for Tucson to spend the next week with my husband’s family. We had a “second Christmas”, sat in the front row at a fun melodramatic Christmas show where one of the main actresses waved at my 4-year-old, played Pretty Pretty Princess and Protect the Penguin with the kids and Sequence with my in-laws, used the sauna almost every day, golfed (my husband with his brother and nephew), went hiking (me and my sister-in-law), was treated to a spa day (me), met some distant cousins for the first time, drank wine, ate lots of desserts, and barely checked my phone or computer or social media or the news. It was great.

In this disconnected state—where I fully allowed myself to shut off my business brain, which had felt permanently “on” in the months leading up to it—the idea for a new series for this newsletter popped into my head…

A simple questionnaire with 7 questions. Fun and not-too-serious, but revealing. Anti-performative. Paired with a selfie taken in front of a sink.

Featuring some more well-known people alongside some lesser-known (all ofc interesting).

I’m calling it…SINK CONFESSIONALS.

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SINK CONFESSIONALS

feat. Cheryl Fork

1. If you had to eat the same thing for breakfast every day, what would it be?

I try to eat more intuitively at breakfast and mix things up so this was harder to pick.1 During the week I’ll usually let my daughter choose from a handful of options, and that’s what I’ll make.

But if I had to pick the same thing every day, I love the idea of a little something sweet with coffee—I lived in Spain for a summer in my 20s and remember that romantic, wistful feeling of sitting outside at a café and having churros con chocolate with a café con leche. Or a chocolate croissant and café au lait in Paris.

As someone who’s very into health (but not annoying about it), I know I’m technically not supposed to start the day with something sweet. But we also can’t suck all the joy out of life!

I’ve held onto this zucchini cookie recipe for years because it’s relatively low sugar and has zucchini in it, but also dark chocolate and tastes like a treat. I told chatgpt I wanted to turn it into a muffin recipe instead of cookies (easier, more breakfast-friendly), and to make it as healthy as possible2 while still being delicious, simple, and something I look forward to.

Below is the recipe it gave me (after a bit of back and forth). I made them with my daughter this week and they were delicious.

I’d have these for breakfast every day with a coffee:

2. What’s a personal rule, motto, or mantra you follow that you rarely talk about?

Don’t lie.

3. What’s something you’ve quietly changed your mind about?

I never thought much about Ariana Grande one way or the other before, but after seeing her in Wicked with my daughter recently I’m super impressed! What a talent. We haven’t seen the 2^nd one yet so don’t tell me what happens.

(There are many other things I’ve changed my mind about but that’s the first one that popped into my head.)

4. What’s an unfulfilled desire you have?

I want to use my ability as a mediator / emotional translator / clear seer of people and situations in a more meaningful way. Not sure yet what that looks like.

5. What’s a small, ordinary moment in your day that you secretly enjoy?

After E is in bed, I get a small treat (usually dark chocolate covered almonds with raspberries, sometimes something more indulgent), sit on the couch, and watch Abby Phillip’s show with my husband. I love catching up on the day together and hearing different takes.

6. What are some small luxuries you’d take with you if you were stranded somewhere for a while?

Several books I’ve been meaning to read, my Foreo toothbrush (stays charged for a year), multiple changes of clean, soft, comfortable lounge clothes, my Boston EVA clogs (they’re waterproof), my mason pearson brush that I’ve had forever3, a nail kit, and Soap AF as I could use it for everything—I’m pretty particular about cleanliness/grooming.

7. Name someone you don’t know IRL yet that you’d like to have lunch with.

.

Who would you like to see answer these? Lmk in the comments or reply to this email.

I hope you’re feeling limitless as we start the new year.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

You’ve seen it all: the attempts, the rejections, the endless small surrenders of modern life (every life). The joy.

And no matter what, you do your job.
Silently. Thoroughly. Beautifully.

People chase rituals that promise transformation.
You offer one that delivers—every single time.

A clean face. A clean body.
Clean hands.

A reset. A return.
A reminder that things can change at any moment—
and that you will always be here for me.

You are subtle but consistent.
I love you for that.

🖤

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

A few weeks ago, a viral Substack article landed in my inbox comparing “influencer style codes” with “fashion people style codes”. The fashion people side listed things that have felt natural to me for the past several years: bare (but kempt—trimmed short or longer in an oval shape) nails, hair that’s kind of undone, and saying no to lip filler, fake lashes, and lots of makeup.

I don’t remember if Botox was mentioned, but I’m personally kind of over perfectly lineless faces. I’ve never been attracted to the hyper-polished/enhanced “influencer” look, but even the “rich bitch” aesthetic of say Victoria Beckham, or Jessica Biel’s character in The Better Sister1—the absurdly toned body, the perfect bob of the perfect length, the face that looks like a great deal of time has been spent at the derm/plastic surgeon—feels kind of lame, or at least too much.2

This could also definitely just be me giving up, lol.

My preferred type of beauty has always leaned toward the effortless and specific: people who look interesting, not perfect. Those who are engaged in more important things than maintenance.

But also…who doesn’t want to look pretty? (Blurg)

Sometimes I second-guess what I’m doing with this newsletter—should I focus my writing on just one thing so it’s easier to explain? But my sister recently said reading Soap As Fashion feels like a modern version of what the best magazines used to be when we were younger: a variety of interesting topics, with a distinct point of view. That’s what I’m going for.

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Tiny timeless beauty tips that don’t require buying (much of) anything

Walk with your hands clasped behind your back

While the idea of balancing a book on our heads sounds kind of ridiculous now, the goal stands: good posture is a marker of style.

As we age, our posture slowly starts to decline. My favorite fix was told to me years ago by my Pumpkin Grandma (still a fashion icon at 96): once a day, walk around for ~30 seconds with your hands clasped behind your back, arms as straight as possible. This lifts your chest, pushes your shoulders back, and undoes some of the daily hunching we all do over screens. I’ve been doing this on and off ever since.

Walk in general

(Hot girl) walking remains undefeated. It tones, drains the lymph, flushes cheeks, steadies the nervous system, and unlocks creative thoughts better than any supplement.

Drink water (but not too much)

Seven or eight years ago I went on a water kick, where I’d fill up my liter glass bottle, drink the entire thing, then keep refilling and guzzling more throughout the day. I think I got the idea after seeing Ciara (remember her?) say in an interview that her nutritionist, or whoever she was working with, had her drinking some crazy amount of water every day. She looked amazing, and I’d never followed her closely, but for some reason the water-binging idea took hold. Looking back now, I’d guess it was a (futile) grasp for control during a stretch of difficult fertility stuff.

Anyway, sometime after I’d implemented this routine, I started having episodes of lightheadedness and dizziness. A blood panel showed my water-to-electrolyte ratio was off from drinking so much water!

I don’t think electrolytes had entered my consciousness before then, and I had no idea it was possible to “drink too much water”. But now, like with so many things, people are going deep on water optimization: testing for heavy metals, installing fancy filtration systems, then re-mineralizing it. Electrolyte packets have gone mainstream, and trace minerals are gaining steam. I’ve also recently learned there’s more nuance in how electrolytes affect men and women (women generally need less).

All of this could be worth looking into, particularly if you have health issues.3

But the bottom line is: drink enough water—you’ll look and feel better. Add lemon if you’re feeling it. And don’t go crazy with it.

Drink the other beauty classics

Matcha, green tea, and bone broth are cliché for a reason. Green tea and matcha fight inflammation, can boost metabolism, and add antioxidants/anti-aging properties with a steady caffeine lift that doesn’t spike cortisol. Bone broth helps with collagen, protein intake, and that dewy-from-within look. (This high-quality one comes in powder form for extra convenience).

Exercise your face

Simple face yoga or facial exercises can help tighten and tone the face and jawline. Like all of these things, you can choose to go deep (there are tons of free videos on instagram and youtube, and apps you can pay for). I’ve learned a few basic ones that I sometimes do when standing and waiting somewhere or driving in the car (assuming no one’s looking at me so I don’t look crazy)—or while I’m doing my 30-second posture walk.

I also bought a microcurrent device a few years ago and it makes a difference. I have the Foreo one and like it (I have other products of theirs I like too, and my eye on their red-light mask). Nuface is obvi also very popular—I get their largest size of microcurrent gel to use with my Foreo and it lasts a long time.

Cleanse and moisturize

Don’t go to bed without washing your face! (At the very least, use a micellar water.) Skin always looks better cleansed and hydrated—face and body. I use F&M for cleansing and moisturizing my body, and to wash my face. I mix up my facial skincare routine here and there, but simple, gentle, and consistent is usually best.

Take care of your hands

Along with keeping my nails/cuticles (usually bare but) well-groomed, a simple thing I do for my hands: after I’m done applying whatever mix of serums, oils, or creams I’m using on my face, I rub the rest of it into my hands. Dabbing on eye cream with your ring finger like we were always instructed to do? Rub whatever’s left into your knuckles or cuticles so they can benefit too.

Use a good hand wash that won’t strip your skin (mine, obviously).

And if your hands need some more serious love or repair, check out Habelo. I’m acquainted with the founder and impressed with what she’s doing.

Curl your eyelashes

I’ve mostly given up on mascara. My eyes are a little inset, my skin gets shiny—and the older I get, the more cracked-open my heart feels, and I can cry at any moment (about sad and happy things)—so I almost inevitably end up with mascara marks under my eyes when I wear it. So I stopped. But I still use my trusty eyelash curler. It really opens up the eyes!

Tell yourself you look pretty when you’re not looking at yourself

Believing you’re beautiful always makes you prettier. For real!

shop the things I mentioned

That’s it for this week. I’m sure you could get most of this information on tiktok or chatgpt—but reading, with its nuance, narrative, and the elevated way it focuses your attention, is rarer and more expensive.

Reading, my friends, is a luxury.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

I saw this quote recently and was like, “yes”:

“…the world appears to have taken leave of anything resembling objective reality, and our feeds continue to oscillate between the surreal and the mundane in a choreography of dissonance...”1

It’s also possible my perimenopausal hormones have been making things seem more amplified!

In any case, I thought I’d add to the list of things to do when we’re overstimulated, and share a few quick, practical ways to calm down. Also sharing a notable parenting/communication tip, and some F&M updates at the end.

Simple ways to calm your nervous system

As always, these are not meant to be comprehensive, but starting points in case they’re helpful2:

Breathing

Slow, deep breathing directly activates the parasympathetic (calm) side of your nervous system. Try the 4-7-8 technique: inhale 4 seconds, hold 7, exhale 8. Or simply exhale longer than you inhale, which signals safety to the body. Even one minute of doing this can noticeably lower heart rate and blood pressure.

EFT Tapping

This reminds me of Jessica Biel in that show The Better Sister, lol, but “tapping” (aka Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT) to calm your nervous system, if you’re not much of a woo person, is rooted in neuroscience. The technique uses gentle tapping on specific acupuncture points (like the side of your hand, under the eye, collarbone, etc.) while breathing deeply and acknowledging an emotion that you want to embody or release—combining mindfulness, acupressure, and cognitive reframing in one. It’s shown to be effective in reducing cortisol and helping to regulate stress response. It’s simple to learn (lots of free guided videos on YouTube, like this one).

Bilateral stimulation

I’ve randomly heard about this from a few different places recently. For some reason, alternating left-right input in your brain helps it to process stress. This could mean listening to “bilateral stimulation music” (music/sounds that purposefully alternate sounds between your ears), moving your eyes side to side, or even taking a walk and noticing things on each side of you. Somehow it helps down-regulate the fear center in your brain and restore a sense of balance. A trick to fall back asleep, if you wake up in the middle of the night, is to keep moving your eyes side-to-side with your eyes closed. I’ve tried it and it helps!

Walking

Walking can be one of the simplest ways to calm down, especially outdoors. The bilateral stimulation of your body (alternating left-right steps) naturally regulates the stress response, and getting some sun helps reset your circadian rhythm and boost serotonin. A quick walk can lower cortisol and shift your brain out of “fight or flight.” Walking slowly, without your phone, compounds the effect.

Grounding

I feel like “touch grass” has become a meme-ish thing to say, but it works!

Bathing

Taking a bath in warm water increases circulation, lowers cortisol, and signals the body to relax. Add magnesium salts if you want a mineral boost (linked to better sleep and muscle relaxation) and/or indulge your inner child (ha) in an immersive bubble bath—we make the best clean one IMO! Even just running warm water over your hands or face can reset your system. More on the benefits of bathing here.

Don’t be shocked

On the heels of Taylor Swift album release mania (something I’m only vaguely aware of at this point), Dr. Becky recently shared a video about “what to do when your kid asks you about that Taylor Swift lyric”. She says if you brush it off/don’t answer/just say they’re too young to know about that, they might not ask you next time—and ask peers, or worse, the internet, instead.

Someone close to me gave me this advice a while ago: if you want your kids to keep telling you things, don’t be shocked at things they tell you. If you act noticeably upset by something they tell you, there’s a good chance they’ll just stop telling you things, to avoid upsetting you.

As someone sometimes known for my facial reactions (lol), I thought this was smart and not necessarily intuitive. To keep open lines of communication—receiving information calmly, and responding in a way that’s true (to our values/in an objective sense) and thoughtful (age-appropriate, relaxed, considerate) seems to be the best…for all ages.

Some F&M things

Before I go, I’m excited for some new things at FORK & MELON.

First, something that has been in the works for a long time: we will finally have beautiful, branded gift boxes worthy of the products—and just in time for the holidays. There will be 2 gift box options:

• A square box to house our hero soap & lotion glass set

• An oblong box to house our clean luxe bubble bath

They will both have custom inserts fit for a luxury unboxing experience. They’re not available quite yet, but planting the seed ahead of holiday gifting.

We also just got new bookmarks that I love—now included in your next F&M order:

Lastly—paid subscribers now receive exclusive FORK & MELON benefits (including special pricing and welcome gift) as a thank-you for your support. It’s the only place I offer these—if you enjoy my writing and are also interested in the F&M world, it’s worth upgrading.

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Remember soap for your next gift <3

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

(And I do mean dear), I had a few topics planned to write about next—but as I’ve mentioned, I let my intuition run the direction of this newsletter, and I wasn’t feeling them. I hope you’ll forgive me for publishing this a week late.

With fashion month underway and the state of things at large, I thought I’d put together a list of things to do when the world feels like fashion week, in the worst way: noisy/chaotic/overstimulating, anxiety-inducing, and like everyone is crazy, mean, and/or just out for themselves…

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When you’re overstimulated

Take care of yourself! Stay hydrated, eat whole foods, reduce/remove alcohol, prioritize exercise and SLEEP, take your supplements as needed (I will go into this in more detail sometime soon I promise), and GET OFF YOUR PHONE. Lose yourself in a book, movie, or series. Take some deep breaths. Go outside. Pray. Meditate. Reach out to others who bring you peace. Take time for yourself. Take a bath!

When you think you’re not pretty/smart/stylish/rich/fill-in-the-blank enough

When I was in early adulthood and single, we used to go out to different places and the potential of “meeting someone” was always in the back of my mind. My tall frame and unique features didn’t fit the stereotypical sorority-girl, Britney Spears–ish look de rigueur at the time & place. But I remember thinking to myself something to the effect of: “I may not be the hottest girl here…but I’m something special”.

It sounds so funny and I have no idea where I got it from specifically, but I really believed it. And I believe it even more now, when I take the time to remember it.

For some reason, just owning the insecurity takes away much of its power.

Everyone is insecure about something and no one else really knows what the F they’re doing either.

I just listened to someone talk about the concept of vertical ascension vs linear progression. The linear stuff (tangible things the world values) doesn’t determine your worth! Lean into who you genuinely are and you’ll attract the right people.

When you’re feeling sad about the state of fashion…or the world

I haven’t been able to follow the shows as closely this season, but it seems the basic takeaway from NYFW was that it was largely boring, with too many designers chasing the same woman. The algorithm is flattening everything into seas of sameness. There’s a longing for how much more glamorous and “authentic” things used to feel 20, 30 years ago, when Vogue spared no expense1 on far-flung location shoots, and celebrities picked out their own Oscar dresses. Now they don’t even make an Erewhon smoothie run without a stylist.

The state of luxury fashion is in a reckoning. It’s nearly impossible to make it as an independent designer today. Everything’s been squeezed and ‘optimized’ to the point where it can feel like much of the magic is gone.

Widen the lens and the sadness grows. Beyond the headlines themselves, scroll the comments on any hot-button topic and it’s strangers yelling at strangers—or worse, people you actually know, posting condescending or offensive things, locked in adversarial back-and-forths. “See?! I TOLD YOU SO!!!” Then someone snaps back in an equally perverse way, or blocks them. Heels dig in deeper; each side more certain the other is awful.

What would happen if

The next time there’s some sort of Debate going on in the Discourse—instead of trying to get a point of view across—what if we made more of an effort to listen and understand for real what the other side of the argument is…replacing certainty and superiority with curiosity?

As an exercise in this, I put together a few short AI prompts, to use before putting forth an Opinion with a capital O—replace “[TOPIC]” with whatever you want to Opine about:

• Give me a balanced, evidence-based overview of [TOPIC], showing both sides fairly, citing recent credible sources, and labeling what is fact, consensus, uncertain, or [Unverified]. Keep it neutral.

• Here is my argument for [TOPIC]. Give me the strongest respectful, fact-based argument against it.

• Why might what I’m saying about [TOPIC] come across as offensive, insensitive, or biased to someone else?

• Explain [TOPIC] from the perspective of someone who completely disagrees with me. What are their main reasons?

• How might someone from a different generational, cultural, or social background see [TOPIC] differently than I do?

• What are the weakest points or hidden assumptions in my argument for [TOPIC]?

• Which values or priorities could make someone interpret [TOPIC] in a completely different way?

While not perfect (were you told to put on your “critical-thinking cap” as a child like I was?), it’s a good start. And at the very least, it causes a pause between emotional charge and response.

Better yet, how about talking with a real live person who has a different take on it, in a curious way?

I randomly came across this recent video clip of Amanda Knox on the Goop podcast and found her method for respectful discussion compelling:

1. Find Common Ground

   Look for an overlap between your perspective and the other person’s, however small, to start from shared reality.

2. Acknowledge the Steel Man

   Don’t knock down the weakest point (the “straw man”). Instead, state the argument back in its strongest, fairest form, so they’d say, “Yes, that’s what I believe.”

3. Lead with Compassion

   Even if their views sound ‘cuckoo bananas’ to you, have compassion that those views come from a history, context, and lived experience that led them to arrive at that conclusion.

4. Model a Willingness to Change Your Own Mind

   Be willing to change yourself before you expect another person to change.
   

Also love starting a counterpoint with, “I see it a bit differently.”

And for the love of Alaïa—can we get the kids off TikTok?2

When I’m feeling powerless, the best thing is always to focus on the things I can actually control vs the things I can’t.3 Surrender to the things I can’t (requires some faith) and press forward with the things I can. Which allows the hope back in.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

Someone close to me who is not super attuned to this sort of thing recently asked me for a simple (reasonable) list of things to do / stuff to switch to in order to detox their home, aka make it healthier.

This inspired an F&M blog post, which I recommend reading, on “the case for going fragrance-free”, which has several simple tips to make your home healthier. In the simplest terms, if you see the term “fragrance” or “parfum” listed as one of the ingredients in something you’re buying, you won’t know what’s actually in there. It could very well be masking weird chemicals that you don’t want to be exposed to.

This is not about fearmongering or doing anything extreme (moderation is kind of my life’s brand for better or for worse). But I promised this person I would also put a list of more specific recs together that are easy to switch to—so I thought I’d also share it here, in case some of you haven’t been following Gwyneth and Goop since the beginning like me (lol)1.

What we’re going for here is the nexus between things that are safe, things that work, things that are convenient, and value for money. Bonus points for good design (always).

My overarching rule when it comes to choosing healthier options for your home: prioritize the things that you will be most exposed to:

1. the air you breathe

2. the things you put in your body (your water and the foods that make up the bulk of your diet)

3. the things you put on your body (the personal care products you use every day and/or put on large parts of your body)
   
   

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The Air You Breathe

Air & Home Environment

• Open your windows! Ideally daily, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. It really helps to circulate fresh air into the house.

• Get rid of air freshener plug-ins, Febreze, diffusers, and candles—and get rid of the idea that your house should be scented :)

• If you really love candles, try to use them sparingly. Look for ones made with natural waxes like beeswax, soy, or coconut, that have cotton, wood, or hemp wicks, and are scented only with essential oils (or left unscented).

• Have plants in your house. They help filter air. I am not good with plants so I always want the heartiest ones that won’t die. Snake plants, philodendrons, and peace lilies are great options in terms of easy care and air-cleaning properties. (They also look good).

• Vacuum regularly.

• Invest in air purifier(s). We love this one we got for our bedroom, and this bundle of 2 minis—one for our daughter’s room and one near the kitchen downstairs. There are different models based on the size of your room/home, etc. We have them set on auto, and it’s been interesting to see when they start to ramp up. The main time we notice it is after cooking. Love using our gas stove, but (like gas cars) it def produces unhealthy fumes.

Blueair Blue Pure 211i Max air purifier.

Blueair Blue Pure Mini Max Bundle of 2.

Cleaning Supplies & Laundry

• Swap out traditional cleaning brands (e.g. Lysol, Clorox, Tide) for low-tox options. Opt for fragrance-free, or ones scented with essential oils if you tolerate those (even mainstream “baby” brands like Dreft are loaded with synthetic fragrance).

• Avoid scented sprays, “fragrance boosters,” fabric softeners, and dryer sheets — look for wool dryer balls if you want softness without scent.

Low-tox cleaning supplies I use/recommend:

Blueland tablet trio of dishwasher detergent, laundry detergent, and toilet bowl cleaner (choose fragrance free). It’s all plastic-free and in design-friendly tins. Blueland is especially known for their dishwasher detergent which we love. Before we switched from Cascade, I used to ask my husband not to run the dishwasher unless the windows were open and/or we were out of the house.

Branch Basics cleaning essentials kit in glass. The multipurpose cleaning concentrate is also on Amazon.

Seventh Generation Toilet Bowl Cleaner. If you don’t want to go so far as switching to the tablets, this works well.

Koala Eco cleaning products were recommended in my mom’s group and looks good.

Force of Nature. I just discovered this recently. They make a small reusable countertop gadget that, through some sort of science magic (electrolysis), converts salt, water, and vinegar into a scent-free disinfectant that’s strong enough to kill norovirus, but safe enough to spray on your toddler’s toys—how cool. I don’t personally want another gadget in my house, but if you like gadgets, you might love this.

Biodegradable sponges and/or washable organic cotton towels. To clean kitchen counters and such, sometimes we just use sponges with water and a bit of dish soap (we usually have the Trader Joe’s one). You can also just keep a spray bottle with diluted distilled white vinegar and water as your go-to surface cleaner (bonus for using a glass bottle), and wipe with a reusable cotton cloth.

Trader Joe’s laundry detergent (only available in store). TJ’s reformulated a while back so their laundry detergents no longer use “fragrance” (they have a fragrance free option, and their lavender version uses only essential oils), optical brighteners, or some of the other harsher ingredients. We’ve been using this for a while and it works great.

Dirty Labs Free & Clear Bio Laundry Detergent. This is a bit more expensive but it’s super concentrated so will last longer, supposed to work really well, and gets extra points for design.

Miss Mouth's Messy Eater Stain Treater Spray. This is supposed to be a miracle stain remover. When I run out of my current stuff I am switching to this.

The Things You Put In Your Body

Food & Kitchen

• Buy organic whenever you can, especially for the "dirty dozen".

• Use glass or stainless steel instead of plastic containers.

• Filter your tap water.

• Cook with stainless steel, cast iron, or pure ceramic cookware (avoid PFAS/Teflon nonstick coatings).

• Avoid artificial food dyes, preservatives, and “natural flavors” when possible.
  

The Things You Put On Your Body

Fabrics & Textiles

• Wash all new clothes, sheets, towels, etc. before wearing/using.

• Avoid rugs, couches, and bedding marketed as “stain resistant” or “wrinkle-free” (often treated with PFAS).

• Look for natural fabrics (organic cotton, linen, wool).

• Shop secondhand—vintage can be the most non-toxic option.
  

Bodycare & Personal Products

• Replace anything labeled “fragrance” with fragrance-free or essential oil only (if you tolerate them).

• Prioritize swapping out the products you use every day and the ones you use in larger amounts or leave on your skin for longer, like body lotion and body wash, sunscreen, and deodorant.

• Simplify. Fewer products = fewer exposures.

• Switch to non-toxic tampons. The fact that we’ve normalized putting scented ones made with weird chemicals up there is crazy.

A few of my staples:

FORK & MELON fragrance free soap & lotion glass set, fragrance free refill/shower set, and fragrance free gallon refill set. (ICYMI this is my brand!) My goal when we refreshed the line this year was to make them the best of the best re quality, convenience, value for money, and design. I love them so much.

Nécessaire fragrance free deodorant gel and/or Kosas fragrance free deo. I’ve talked about these acid deodorants several times (including here and here). They are not sponsoring me to keep talking about them (I just really love them), but at this point they probably should.

LOLA Organic Cotton Tampons with Cardboard Applicator.

Shop everything I mentioned

If you do nothing else, doing these 4 things will go a long way:

– Open your windows
– Go fragrance-free
– Filter your water
– Buy organic when possible

And don’t stress! Do what makes sense for you, it doesn’t have to be perfect. There’s something about the energy in which we do things—if you let it consume you it backfires. Going about it with ease is one of the most non-toxic things you can do.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

For this edition of Cheap Things That Are Chic™ (CCTAC™), I’ve put together an edit of some CHIC, CHEAP staples for end of summer/early fall: flip flops & sandals, organic cotton sweaters/skirts/shorts, linen button-downs, jewelry & accessories, and personal care items. Things that are easy to throw on, use, and look cool.

My initial working title for this post was “HAVE I GOT THE FLIP FLOPS FOR YOU”, because everyone has been so obsessed with flip flops this summer. As if it’s a new concept. It’s somewhat funny to see, as someone who’s lived in the greater San Diego area (flip flop capital of the world) for a while now. In general, it is not fashionable here.1

But this is where we are. In past eras we might think about bringing back some chic novel thing from any number of definitively fashion-centric places. This still happens of course, but when everyone is traveling everywhere and things are being talked about to death and there are 500 things being thrown in our face at any given moment, it’s like…let’s get back to the basics.

The world is moving too fast. So, everything banal and utilitarian, everything that’s been around for a long time (heritage!), everything that’s nostalgic—these are the things we are grasping for.2

“Flip flops are the shoe of the summer!” Brilliant.3

The fun thing about the flip flops is the opportunity for the “high-low” pairing, a standard bulwark of good style—at least in part because it kind of forces you to display more discernment (yes, TASTE), no matter your budget. Any rich person can walk into a Khaite store and walk out with beautiful things.

And even more than the high-low mix, it’s the element of surprise. A serious-looking blazer, a serious watch, carats upon carats of diamonds—worn with ripped jeans, a head bandana, and flip flops? Yes please. (At least directionally.)

So here we are—the peak of summer is winding down, but it’s still going to be warm for a while. And even when it starts getting cool enough for more layers, throwing on a sweater or jacket with a pair of sandals is just the thing.

Flip Flops & Sandals

I love a luxury shoe as much as the next fashion girl, but I also love finding diamonds in the rough that are super affordable and working them in with quality pieces I already own. Either way, I buy with the intention of keeping the thing for a long time.

Some extremely inexpensive CCTAC™ approved sandals/flip flops for the last ditch of summer/early fall:

Embellished rope sandals. Usually not that in favor of dupes this obvious, which ofc these and the other variations on this linked page are of the Miu Miu ones, but I feel like these rhinestone ones are somehow both unique enough and obscure enough that it works. Also, after this they kind of deserve it…lol. For the rope ones this brand also makes them in real leather. Fun way to punch up an outfit.

Jelly flip flops. These would look very chic with trousers heading into fall. (There are a few sizes left in the Christopher Esber version.)

Montbell lock-on sandals. Montbell is a Japanese outdoor brand (founded in 1975) with a cult following. These sandals can be worn with or without socks, come in fun color options as well as neutrals (love the navy), and are super comfortable.

Locals flip flops. I just learned about this legit flip flop brand recently. Founded in Hawaii circa 1982, they were originally sold in grocery stores and convenience shops across Hawaii (and still are).

Red-sole rubber flip flops that aren’t $700.

Original Universal Slim Tevas in cream leather and tan. Another heritage nod, these look good with almost anything.

Organic Cotton & Linen Transitional Pieces

I’ve had a gift card to Quince for a while and am finally planning to use it (have you tried it? LMK in the comments.) This organic cotton sweater, Doen-adjacent skirt, and linen button-down in several colors are all in my cart. I feel like the navy sweater paired with the navy skirt (and any of the above sandals!) would look so good and are so easy to throw on. I also feel like these button-downs are the answer to almost every “what should I wear today” question.

Quince organic cotton cropped cable crew sweater.

Quince organic cotton poplin pintuck maxi skirt.

Quince European linen long sleeve button-down.

Cotton Pull-on Shorts

Similarly so easy and comfortable to wear are these pull-on shorts—wear them with button-downs/tee shirts and sandals now, and with sweaters/light jackets and “real shoes” as we get further into transitional fall.

Gap organic cotton poplin boxer shorts. These are going fast but still available as of now in several sizes and colors. Were $50, now as low as $15!

Amazon cotton track shorts. I’ve been wearing these a bunch lately to run around in. They def run small so be sure to size up.

Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!

These aren’t actually inexpensive in an objective sense, but the qualifier for CTTAC™ is that their perceived value punches high above their cost, which these definitely do:

Aflalo summer diamonds by . 5 carat diamond center stone for under $8k?! I mean. Note: all the pieces are meant to be worn playfully (e.g. rings on your pinkies and toes, etc.), but if you have small fingers, who’s to say you can’t get away wearing this or this on your ring finger if you so please? The tiny sizes could also be worn on a chain as a necklace.4 The eternity band comes in larger sizes and is probably my fav piece. Stunnnning.

3 carat diamond studs by Quince.

A gorg tennis necklace for under $700. These have been promoted a ton (if you pay attention to these things) and are white sapphires instead of diamonds, but a classic piece that will brighten up your outfit and your day. Many of their paracord collection pieces are still available, including this anklet for $75.

Handheld Paper Fans

I saw one of my NYC BFFs (above) sporting a fan this summer (the now sold out Pucci one ofc) and thought what a great idea it was to bring fans back, as a matter of function and fashion. She told me our other NYC BFF gifted it to her last year, always ahead of the curve. Handheld paper fans were also mentioned a few weeks ago in ’s OT newsletter.5 Ever prescient, Rachel bought paper fans for her bridal shower back in 2022.

Black, red, or pink fan with white polka dots. This was one of the OT picks.

Spanish hand fan in tan and cream. A neutral option that looks expensive.

Acid deodorant / Body Wash / Lotion

You know I’m obsessed with “acid deodorant”, aka roll-on deodorant that uses AHAs as the active ingredient—for many reasons, but largely because it doesn’t get on your clothes. But—I more recently realized that not only do I not have to deal with the typical white residue on my clothes anymore, I found out that if you switch to using this deodorant (or any non-aluminum based deo), you no longer have to worry about yellow pit stains on all your white t-shirts! Something about the way sweat interacts with the aluminum causes the fabric to yellow. In my last deodorant mention, I said my fav fragrance free option had been seemingly discontinued, but now it’s back, hooray!

Necessaire fragrance free deodorant gel. I’m currently using the Kosas one which I also love, but will switch back to the Necessaire when this one’s done (largely for aesthetic reasons ha).

Our newish 32oz set of fragrance free soap and lotion. Can be used both as refills for our glass bottles, as well as standalone options for your shower or counter. They’re def more cost-effective, convenient, and less wasteful than buying smaller bottles. Love these so much.

That’s it for today.

Shop everything I mentioned

Xoxo with love,

Cher

5

Also mentioned in an OT newsletter: this link to play the music from the Colette store, swoon. Colette forever!!!

Dear Reader,

A little over a month ago, we celebrated my parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary. We rented a beach house easily accessible to where we live and stayed there together for a long weekend: my parents, my sister and her family, my husband, my daughter, our tiny yorkie, and me.1 Though we’re all local to the area, it’s rare that we find ourselves in the same place for more than a couple hours at a time, so it felt special to spend multiple days under the same roof.

The house was right across the street from the beach, with beautiful views from the upstairs deck, where we could all sit outside and listen to the waves. We played games, did art projects with the kids, went in the hot tub out back, took walks into town to visit shops and get ice cream, and shared meals.

We spent a lot of time at the beach. The cousins gathered sand crabs, made sandcastles, and buried themselves in the sand. Several from the group ventured into the ocean to go boogie boarding, including my 3.5-year-old daughter (my husband gave her her first lesson) and my 74-year-old dad who underwent double brain surgery at the beginning of this year. (He’s doing great!) My husband was able to get some surfing in.

With adults outnumbering the kids, I was able to relax more than usual (less chasing required) and got a healthy dose of sun, donning my hot pink one-piece with decorative seams.2

For our celebratory dinner that Saturday night, we had Chinese takeout and champagne. We ordered from a place called Chin’s, where we were warned to only order from this Chin’s, not the other one. Apparently there are two local “Chin’s” restaurants, owned by two different Chin brothers. They went their separate ways after a family restaurant business dispute, and each opened their own namesake restaurant. One of the Chin’s restaurants is markedly better than the other—you’ll have to message me to know which is which. My brother-in-law’s father, who was able to join us for dinner and some of the other weekend activities, deadpanned after my brother-in-law was telling us this story, “ah, a double Chin”.

At one point during the dinner, my younger sister (a better speaker than me3), gave an impromptu toast—thanking our parents for showing us their version of “normal” in a marriage.

She talked about the standards they modeled: mutual respect, shared values and priorities, compromise, friendship, debate, adventure, laughter, and a commitment to stay in it when life inevitably gets hard. How they made it normal to expect those things in a relationship. And how that sense of “normal” stuck with us, shaping what we looked for in our own partners.

Which brings me to the 3^rd edition in my series of Marriage Rules4. If you’re new here, you can read more about my reasoning for starting this series in the first and second editions. As always, the rules apply to more than just married people. If you’re single/not married, I love you!

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Marriage Rules (#11):

11. Consider your frame of reference. I remember hearing Mel Robbins (Let Them) talking about the phrase “frame of reference” on a podcast a while back. It sounds so obvious, but it’s also an easy concept to forget when you’re in the moment. It means: before you react in a conflict, pause to consider the other person’s frame of reference, versus yours.

    
    It’s helpful in so many aspects of life.

    
    When you’re considering any sort of serious relationship with someone (especially marriage!), think about what would feel “normal” to them vs what would feel “normal” to you, and whether the gaps can be bridged.

    
    And when you’re in a relationship and you find yourselves disagreeing about something—before getting reactionary—try to clock each other’s frames of reference. You may have had very different experiences that led you to see things in a different way. Hopefully this recognition provides better understanding of where each of you is coming from.
    
    It applies to big things and little things. Did one of you grow up eating dinner in front of the TV, while the other’s family sat down together every night at 6? Did your partner grow up ironing napkins for holidays, and your family grabbed paper towels off the roll? How did each of your families handle conflict growing up? Maybe your partner thinks it’s normal to stay on the couch until 2 a.m., while you have an idyllic picture of going to bed early, glasses on, reading side-by-side. (It me, lol.5)

    
    The more similar the frame of reference you share with your partner, the less friction there might be between you in the future.
    
    Something to consider—but not a prescription. (Obv no one ends up leading a frictionless life.) The consideration of each of your frames of reference is what’s important. The observation of them. Recognize the context, i.e. why you’re coming to the table with different expectations. It encourages empathy—understanding where the other person is coming from with more compassion—and helps you take things less personally.

A few weeks ago, many of us got together for a special brunch to celebrate my grandmother’s 96 birthday. She is affectionately referred to as “Pumpkin Grandma,” a nickname I came up with (my right as the eldest cousin) while staying with her at age 2. She kept calling me ‘punkin’, so I said back very matter-of-factly, “You’re a Pumpkin Grandma!”

She is my last living grandparent—a fascinating person who has led a fascinating life. I never knew my maternal grandfather (her husband), as he died in a plane crash when my mom, her second oldest child, was 16. My grandma was left to manage five kids, the eldest having an intellectual disability, on her own—in a time when it wasn’t yet legal for women to have credit cards in their own name.

Along with being a force who’s powered through more than her share of adversity, she’s endearingly eccentric—a sharp wit, a poet with language6, and no doubt who I point to as the person in my family where I inherited the “style gene.” At 96, her outfits are still noteworthy.

At the brunch, we chatted about all sorts of things, making sure to speak loudly so grandma could hear. At one point, she updated us about her younger sister, who has sadly now lost the ability to speak. Her sister’s husband is taking care of her. They’ve been married for over 70 years. Pumpkin told us that during a recent visit with her sister and the husband, she had asked what he would say was the secret to their great, lasting marriage. Funny enough, he had a three-word answer: frame of reference.

With love xoxo,

Cher

Dear Reader,

Welcome back to Soap As Fashion. I hope you’ve been enjoying your summer so far. We capped off the end of June by celebrating my parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary at a beach house all together, which I will share more about in my next post. We also took a vacation to Whistler (Canada) earlier this month, which I’m recapping below. I missed publishing the Friday before last while we were in the mountains, so I’m planning an extra post outside of my normal bi-weekly cadence soon to make up for it (yay).

Also keeping me busy since my last article: we just launched our updated refillable bubble bath, and updated refill sizes—32oz & gallons (!)—of my hand/body/face/bath soap (SOAP AF) and lotion at F&M. It’s so much more convenient, less wasteful, cost-effective, (& chicer) to have pretty glass bottles by your sink that you (or your house manager1) can easily refill, rather than buying little plastic bottles and replacing them all the time.

And the 32oz refills now come with a pump, so they double as the perfect body & face wash in your shower. I always thought buying an 8oz bottle of body wash was ridiculous—who wants to bother with replacing your body wash every few weeks, or worse, feel like you need to be stingy when using your own body wash?! No thank you—I want an extra-large bottle that will last a while. Also: black is always the new black ;)

One more thing before I get into my trip: thank you to all of you who answered the poll I put out in my last post! I wish I had kept the voting open longer, but from the responses I received, Fashion and Wellness tied for first, followed by a tie for Marriage/Motherhood and Personal Essays, with Interviews being last. I’ve yet to do an interview format on here, but when I do I’ll make sure it’s a good one.

I haven’t gone into a lot of detail on Substack about the wellness things I’m trying yet, but seeing the poll results made me think I should do that a bit more. I’ve teased a deeper dive into what supplements I’m currently taking, what I do to help me sleep better, and other health-related things I’m trying and/or things that have been working for me, but I haven’t actually written about them in much detail. I’m thinking a piece about the multitude of supplements I’m taking would be an interesting place to start. I may limit to paid subscribers, as specifying what I’m ingesting each day is quite personal (privacy!), but it will be worth it if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Stay tuned.

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Now onto today’s topic: my trip to the mountains of Whistler in July. I largely decide what to write about based on what feels most relevant to me at the time. Most of the time I’m not sure what I’ll end up writing about until it’s time for me to actually start writing. My other full-time jobs are running my soap business and mothering a brilliant 3-year-old, among other top life priorities, so a lot of this (I’m lowkey gesturing wildly all around me) involves tackling my priorities as they come in (throwback to this article I wrote in the earlier stages of this newsletter, pre-Substack).

I meant to share a bunch of the amazing photos and videos we took on our vacation to my private instagram—but who has time for that? The whole point of being on vacation is to be enjoying the moment. And while I have some friends who can post like it’s second nature, for me and my often-overly-detail-oriented self, it’s work. Trying to wade through the zillion photos/videos I took and decide which ones are worthy of posting—my daughter is just so cute in every setting, how can I pick?? So, I decided if I’m going to do the work of sharing about my trip to people other than the ones I’m seeing in real life, I may as well incorporate it into my actual work!2

For context, a week-long trip to Whistler in the summer wasn’t initially on my radar. I had traveled there many years ago to ski, and of course it was amazing. But if I were coming up with the location for a summer vacation, I would have thought to choose somewhere less “mountainy” / “outdoorsy”. I’m usually more of a city mouse than a country mouse (though I’ve grown to appreciate “outdoorsiness” and being in nature much more as I’ve gotten older). My husband’s parents were generously hosting this trip, so the choice of location wasn’t purely my choice.

Little did I know, a summer vacation in the mountains is one of the chicest things we could do (lol).3

With that in mind, here are some of the chic things I got to do while we were there:

• Take a series of gondolas and chairlifts up to the top of expansive, snowcapped mountains in the middle of July and have lunch at the top—stunning!

• Taste a variety of vodkas in an “ice room” that is purposefully kept at 20 degrees below zero Fahrenheit. For some reason, tasting the vodka at this low temperature enhances the flavor and takes away the alcohol burn. They give you special coats to wear. You’re only allowed to stay in the ice room for 20 minutes.

  

• Ride the longest zipline in all of North America, alongside my husband—we were side-by-side on two separate lines. They say you go anywhere from 60-90 miles per hour and you’re incredibly high off the ground. I’m not usually much of a thrill-seeker, but this was thrilling!

• Walk the “Sky Bridge”, one of the highest suspension bridges in the world (close to a mile and a half off the ground). The bridge has open panels on the sides and bottom, so you can see the valley floor below. It also sways when you walk—we got too sketched out and didn’t cross the whole thing. But the view is insane.

• Spend an afternoon at the Four Seasons Spa for massages/facials/pedicures with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, with an excellent detox steam session to start.

• Not use a car the entire eight days we were there. We did take a hotel-provided “shuttle”, which was basically the same pleasant driver that took us the few times we needed to drive to dinner at night. But otherwise we could walk everywhere.

• Have a fancy dinner at a classic restaurant that’s been around since the 80s, hidden seemingly in the middle of nowhere, with our entire extended family group of 8, including 2 children ages 3 and 10. (There were actually 9 of us in total on the trip, but the teenager opted to stay home—didn’t appreciate what he was missing!) I wish I had taken a picture of their kids’ menu as it’s nowhere online. No burgers or chicken fingers; the least fancy thing was a gourmet mac & cheese, alongside filet and salmon options. Most of us had multiple courses and wine, and we took turns trying the eccentric cocktails my very endearing father-in-law ordered. I hadn’t planned to get anything for dessert, as we had already picked up the yummiest-looking brownies from a bakery in town that we had stored back in our room, but we ended up sharing the most delicious chocolate raspberry concoction with vanilla ice cream. A night to remember! Very chic.

Not as chic:

• Bursting into tears4 and telling my husband the 2^nd day that I felt like he was more excited to go mountain biking than to spend time with me, lol. (It was fine.)

We had fun breakfasts in the hotel, spent time in the pool/hot tub/sauna, went for beautiful hikes and walks around town, visited the charming ice cream and toy shops and small public library, played rousing games of Sequence at night with my in-laws, and more. There wasn’t a ton in terms of shopping for me (there was an Aritzia in town), though we passed some great-looking shops in Vancouver on the drive from YVR and back. At one point I saw a Dior store immediately next to a cannabis shop, ha.

Overall a wonderful, unique experience. Highly recommend!

My husband and I haven’t traveled much as our own family unit in recent years. I love the idea of taking our daughter to various places in Europe, or more exotic places I haven’t been. New cultural destinations in the US that I’ve yet to experience. But my desire to be super present for our daughter during her early years—not working insane hours on my business (it still has a long way to go) or pursuing an outside full-time job—means $ is tighter. Also, let’s be honest, traveling to these types of places with a young child (sans help) isn’t really the move5—maybe unless you’re very young or just that easy going (which whatever I might like to think, I am neither).

It’s worth it.6

At some point I’d love to revisit the more cultural, immersive side of travel. Even if the influencers try to make even the most exquisite places sound cliché.

Xoxo with love,

Cher

Dear Reader,

Before I get into this week’s topic, I want to recognize that the end of June marks six months of consistently posting this newsletter after moving it to Substack. I love writing for you! I hope you love reading it.

I’ve purposefully kept my posts intuition-led—some might even say purposefully un-strategic, lol. I write about whatever idea seems most fitting to me at the time. It’s my tiny rebellion against the endless pressure to optimize everything. (I love optimization as much as the next Gwyneth-follower-since-the-90s, but like seemingly everything, there’s always a balance.)

My main guardrails for my writing here: it’s true to me, it’s written with style and substance1, it’s valuable to others (you), and it’s GOOD.

I just learned the term “antimeme” (anti-meme), and I feel like this newsletter (and my entire essence) is the definition of antimemetic2: niche, non-algorithmic, something that can’t be easily defined, but felt. Ambivalent first impression…invaluable over time!

With that said, I’m sticking with this un-strategic way of writing. And—I’d love to know what sorts of things you’re the most interested in reading from me (if there are more than one, please pick your top one):

Also—if there’s something you’d like to see more of that’s not listed please put it in the comments! (If you’re reading this via email, click the ‘comment’ button at the top or bottom of the email). Or just reply to the email! Even though my open rates for each post have been above 80% (so amazing!), it still often feels like I’m writing into an abyss.

Heirloomcore

3 I heard Simon Sinek say recently that “life seeks equilibrium at all times”, which seems accurate, right? The pendulum is always swinging back and forth. Going back to antimemes, there are signs everywhere that the war on our attention spans is facing a backlash. Reading books has never been more fashionable, dating apps are at an inflection point, and apparently the monasteries are all booked up this summer. Jonathan Haidt’s message is continuing to spread. Antimemes rising!

Another pendulum swing is the one away from traditional luxury brands, prompting nearly every major fashion house to install a new creative director this year (the Fall shows should be super exciting). There are plenty of reasons for the swing, but the most basic one is that the specialness has been diminished. When designer items seem like they’re everywhere (especially on social media), they no longer feel unique and special. Luxury is supposed to be limited.

But we’ll never stop finding new ways of creating differentiation and status. “I’m wearing a vintage Helmut Lang dress and a Callaghan jacket that was designed by Nicolas Ghesquiere. I think this is from the year 2000. I scoured the internet, because he only did three seasons at Callaghan” says one of the Haim sisters when asks her what she was wearing.

Provenance, storytelling, and uniqueness (the specialness) is now being found via , ebay, Vestiaire Collective, Etsy, and the like.4

My fav fashion critic has sworn off buying anything new (non-secondhand) for the year—to buy more thoughtfully and avoid overconsumption. Antimeme!

But it goes even further. What if instead of finding that unique Hermès silk scarf on TRR or 1stDibs, your mother-in-law gave it to you from her personal collection—an iconic design (called Perspective) by French Art Deco graphic artist A.M. Cassandre, first created in 1951—gifted to her decades ago and never worn (perfect condition)? CHIC!

How to wear an Hermès scarf

After recently becoming the recipient of the aforementioned scarf, I’ve started thinking about fun ways I can wear it. Living in Southern California (and being the mom of a young child5) means I dress more simply than I would if I were still in New York. Even Fashion People queen says she mostly just wears button-downs (tho they’re Charvet), sweatshirts, and vintage jeans now that she lives in LA (I’m just north of San Diego). But you can’t take the fashion out of the fashion girl no matter where she lives. Here are the 7 coolest ways I’d like to wear the scarf:

1. Around my waist: sarong-style or as a belt

Love these sarong-style ideas in this post by and (you can see it in more detail here).

Or simply loop it through your belt loops. Like personality socks or the Hoff sneakers I wrote about last month, it’s an easy way to give a plainer outfit a little zhuzh.

2. As a top

There are several ways to make your silk scarf a top—the easiest is to fold in half to a triangle and wrap it around like a tube top. Here are 3 additional ways that look wearable, from Hermès historian . Looks like she also has a Substack.

FYI I just ordered these nipple covers (another random thing I’ve seen popping up in different places lately) to wear with tops where you can’t wear a bra. There are a few different brands of them I’ve seen but these were easy to order and seem to get good reviews (haven’t actually used them yet but will report back when I do.)

3. Wrapped through the arm/neck hole of a t-shirt or tank

I got the idea for this from (stylist/consultant in my same mom’s group)’s recent post, How to Turn Your Tee Into a “Going Out” Top, where she creates cool, unique “going out” tops using jewelry to transform more basic tanks and tees. Check out the images at the top of her post and see the way the ring clasp gathers the fabric between the neck hole and the arm hole—do the same thing with a scarf and tie it in fun ways.

4. On my handbag

5. As a handbag

6. On my arm(s) and/or ankle(s)

7. As a necklace

No chic fashion elder to heirloom you a scarf? I put together a short edit of pretty, vintage-ish Hermès and Pucci ones for the next best thing. Click the button below to see. And someone please buy this bag.

Everything I Mentioned

Xoxo with love,

Cher

The first iteration of this post was originally published as my very first Soap As Fashion article following the newsletter’s introduction. I first started the Soap AF newsletter in 2023 on my soap website, before moving it to Substack at the beginning of this year, as a way to reconnect with myself and my business as I emerged from my new-motherhood cocoon. It’s funny to look at my first Soap AF issues and see how my writing has evolved.

I’m re-issuing an updated version of this simple deodorant post for a few reasons: 1) I haven’t yet shared it on Substack, and acid (AHA) deodorant is still pretty niche/not very well-known. 2) My original favorite in this deodorant category was discontinued, so it’s time for an update. 3) My daughter was off school most of last week1, so I’ve had limited time to write—the perfect opportunity to slot in this rewrite! The school break was planned so teachers and staff could move to new classrooms for the year. Thursday was my daughter’s first day back at school, with a new bigger classroom and a new schedule. She’s graduated to the upstairs now, where the bigger preschoolers are. Time is moving so fast.

The inspiration to write about acid deodorant, or deodorants using AHAs as their active ingredients rather than aluminum (or baking soda in the case of other natural deos), came when I was searching my closet for something to wear. The weather had changed, and I was attempting to resurrect some older items more appropriate for the season. I hang onto clothes for a loooong time (if they still fit), especially if they’re designer items from my fashion/shopping glory days—it all comes back eventually. I love wearing something from 15 years ago and saying I “pulled it from the archives” ;) Anyway, I noticed my black chiffon Stella McCartney top with gold foil discs that I hadn’t worn in ages had some white showing at the arm holes. A reminder that I was overdue for a trip to the dry cleaner.

It was also a reminder that finding deodorant stains on my clothes is luckily something I don’t really deal with anymore. Partly because in my toddler-mom/mostly working-from-home era, I don’t wear dry-clean-only items as often. Partly because I’ve started washing some of my “dry-clean-only” items at home. But mostly because I’ve finally found a deodorant that doesn’t stain your clothes! It’s still a relatively newer, random little thing that a lot of people don’t know about yet, so I’m sharing it here.

If you know me, or have been following my work for a while, you know something about my prior fertility issues and how the experience led me to replace the products I was using with healthier, non-hormone-disrupting ones2. Along with other essential home, makeup, and personal care products like the soap and lotion of my own brand, one of the first things I switched was deodorant. Deodorant and other everyday products—especially anything fragranced—are usually the first things to swap when going cleaner.

When I initially made the switch to natural (aluminum-free) deodorant, most of the available options were formulated with baking soda, which made my armpits itchy and irritated. As different formulations became available, I went on to try several different baking soda-free versions and found a few that I kept in rotation. They worked well enough, but they were still somewhat messy and they still left my clothes with the signature white (or sometimes clear-ish) marks of a regular deodorant.

The One That Changed Everything

Until Kosas (the clean makeup brand that has grown considerably in recent years) launched their first deodorant. I already loved a few products from Kosas—remember when their first hero product the Rosewater lipstick launched on Goop3? Feels like forever-ago. Now I love their lip gloss; it morphs into more of a moisturizing lip stain after a while, so my lips are left with a wash of color that doesn’t leave a mark on my coffee cup/water glass. So good! Already being a fan of the brand, their deodorant debut piqued my interest enough to order it.

It was nothing like any other deodorant I had tried before…it comes in a tube rather than a stick, and it has a clear roll-on application. One of the main ingredients is lactic acid, which I recognized as one of the gentler alpha-hydroxy acid (AHA) exfoliants, generally considered pregnancy-safe—which was key for me, since I was perpetually in a state of trying-to-conceive or pregnant during that time. The benefit of using lactic acid and other AHAs is that not only does it eliminate odor completely (something about neutralizing your pH), but it’s also a gentle exfoliant for your under-arms. For me it’s greatly reduced the irritation and bumps that come from shaving such a sensitive area all the time.

And the best part: not only is this acid-based deodorant healthier, good for your skin, and effective in eliminating BO…you don’t have to worry about it getting on your clothes! When you use it, it's almost like using a toner on your underarms; it sinks right in. It magically takes away any odor without leaving any of the gross residue that has always been a constant when using deodorants of the past.

After using the Kosas deodorant and loving it, I switched to a similar acid-based one by Nécessaire, because it was on sale at Violet Grey and I liked the neutral black & white packaging better (as you might have guessed by my preference for all things black and white). I used the fragrance-free versions of both, but unfortunately the fragrance-free version of the Nécessaire one has been out of stock for months (possibly discontinued) and it’s only available in a scented version now. Nécessaire has since come out with a new deodorant formulation in fragrance-free that I’ve been testing, and I do like it—it doesn’t have to be reapplied as often and it’s better at combatting wetness, so nice to have for certain occasions. But it doesn’t disappear into skin/avoid the clothing-mark issue like the AHA ones do (though better than traditional ones). So I’m back to Kosas!

I should tell you that AHA (and most natural) deodorant will not stop you from sweating. It’s not an anti-perspirant. Sweating is one of the ways that your body removes toxins/waste from your body, so it’s good to sweat.4

What this newer kind of deodorant will do is stop you from smelling! Stop you from putting sketchy ingredients on your underarms every day! Smooth your underarm skin! And stop you from staining your beautiful clothes!!!

And maybe in some cases even allow you to (dare I say it) get more than one wear out of a dry-clean-only item.

Xoxo with love,
Cher

Everything I Mentioned

Back in February, I published “Marriage Rules – Part 1,” a subject that was top of mind at the time. If you're new here, especially if you subscribed to my newsletter after seeing my recent sneaker post, you might be surprised to see this as a topic. But Soap As Fashion is an intellectual style newsletter, with tips for living your best (real) life, after all. Life wisdom big and small, if you will, under the auspices of fashion and style. I wish there were a less corny way to say it. LMK if you think of one.

In the words of a recent article:

Things are cursed. Swag, grace and dignity are under assault. The answer, though, isn’t to lionize and fetishize old, crumbling seats of power. It’s to do something much harder: Maintain the blessed, pro-social institutions we already have, while working to create different ones, where new kinds of beauty, elegance, human greatness, and coolness, can thrive.

Um, yes please.

Marriage—arguably one of the most blessed, pro-social institutions—as a topic, has imposed itself on me again recently. And when we’re being bombarded with such gross fakeness everywhere we turn these days, it’s an act of resistance to keep it real. So, I’ve come back to this series this week.

I’ve unlocked the first post if you’d like to go back and read it.

Here is the second installment, in no particular order, of Marriage Rules (6-10)1. Each could probably be its own essay, but I’m offering them as a jumping off point—take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. And like before, these apply to more than just married people. If you’re single/not married, I love you.

Marriage Rules (6-10):

6. Don’t let resentments fester. They always come out eventually. Sometimes as a blowup over something minor, sometimes as slow erosion—emotionally, even physically. The tricky part is knowing what’s worth bringing up (in a constructive way) and what’s better to truly let go of. We all have different tolerances for confrontation, but holding in long-term resentments shouldn’t be an option.

7. Take care of your own issues. This ties back to Rule #4 (Part 1): don’t be a downer. If something’s off—your energy, your outlook, your habits—you’re the one primarily responsible for working on it. Whether it’s a minor health issue, repeating complaints, or a mood rut, don’t make it your partner’s job to fix it for you. Own what’s within your control. Anything you’re going through affects them too.

8. Don’t rely on your partner for your whole perspective. Ideally you also have some trusted friends or family members to bounce things off of. This applies especially to men (who often reserve even remotely serious conversations for their spouse), but women are affected too—especially during isolating life phases (infertility, postpartum, peri/menopause, etc.) Of course, if something is bothering you, you should talk about it with your spouse. But if you’re stuck in your head about something, talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can be good for your relationship and for your mental health. Not only can it help you feel more grounded and give you that confidence-building “me too” feeling, but it can also take pressure off your partner—especially when you disagree or if it’s something that’s harder for them to relate to. Having outside context (ideally from someone you both respect) can help move things forward with more clarity and less emotional charge.

9. Get in the habit of asking yourself “am I the asshole?”2 They say if your primary takeaway from reading the Bible is to judge other people, you’re doing it wrong. In the same vein—if you’re in a fight or feeling frustrated with someone you love—pause to ask: am I actually the jerk here?

10. Marriage is a long conversation. This Nietzsche quote coincidentally came up in my Substack feed as I was putting this piece together: “When entering a marriage, one should ask the question: do you think you will be able to have good conversations with this woman </man> right into old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time in interaction is spent in conversation.”3 But of course, as mentioned in Rule #3, you have to keep the zhuzh going too.

Nothing worth having is easy—blurg!

This is the second installment of Marriage Rules. I’d love to hear your thoughts—feel free to comment below or reply to this email.

XOXO with love,

Cher

As noted last week, I’ve been super busy with the latest FORK & MELON launch (see the new products here!), so I haven’t had as much time to write. But I’m back—with a list of more under-the-radar sneaker brands I currently like. Some posts are more philosophical than others.

Before I get into it, one of my most favorite fashion writers subscribed to both F&M’s email list and Soap AF newsletter this week…! (Hi, Rachel!) Wise, as her Instagram says, is the fashion critic1 for the Washington Post, aka she’s one of the few relevant journalistic voices in fashion still on the payroll of a major traditional media outlet. She also has an invite-only fashion newsletter called ‘Opulent Tips’ that I was recently added to and have been enjoying. As the author of Soap As Fashion (an intellectual style newsletter) and self-admitted fashion dork—I’m thrilled!!

One more thing: I’ve unlocked my essay from last month titled “Old Money Energy”, which was previously only available to paid subscribers. Check it out here if you’d like to read it.

And if you’re already a paid subscriber, thank you so much for your support—there will be more perks just for you coming soon.

Subscribe now

Today’s post is more directly fashion-focused, i.e. what are some cool2 sneakers right now that are still pretty under the radar. The ones I’m mentioning below will probably never blow up to the level of Hokas or Ons (which many people still may not have heard of—but if you’re aware of these types of things they are everywhere, not in small part because they are apparently that comfortable).

The ones on this list beg one of two responses: 1) “what kind of sneakers are those and where did you get them” or 2) “I’m not outright noticing your sneakers but you look cool/smart.”

In general I’m more of a classic sneaker brand wearer: Nikes, adidas, Reebok, and even Pumas (remember them)? The classics are always good. I can appreciate the look of New Balances from afar (love how styles them), but somehow the brand is just not for me (I feel similarly about Vuori for lounge/activewear). There are several luxury brand sneakers that I like (people have been talking about the Dries ones for a bit, which are actually on the lower end of the luxury sneaker price range), but spending ~$500+ on sneakers just feels kind of silly RN. (Just my opinion—if you can afford them and they make you happy go for it! And who knows, with the way prices are currently going, a $500 price tag for sneakers might be the new normal soon so maybe you’re actually getting a deal! Blurg3).

Anyway—for some reason my interest has been piqued by a few of these lesser-known sneaker brands. It’s possible that the macro inclination in the culture right now of moving away from traditional luxury and into more niche, ‘iykyk’ brands has infiltrated my brain. (Or is it paradoxically that this inclination is originating from my brain and being aggregated into culture? F&M is a niche ‘iykyk’ brand after all—but don’t make me say that out loud.)

In any case, these are the sneakers on my wish list ATM:

Spalwart Marathon

I’ve mentioned the Spalwarts before, and they’re currently on sale. Still not cheap, but these are basically luxury sneakers for under $300 (with the sale). The design is so good, and classic enough to hang on to for years. They have a few sizes left at SSENSE, and more availability on the Spalwart website.

Novesta Marathon

These are somewhat similar to the Spalwarts, but less fashion-y, with a more minimalistic, practical vibe that looks ‘correct’ and classic.

Hoff City

I learned about this brand a month or two ago when reading one of ’s newsletters. I like how they come in weird colorways—I almost exclusively go with neutrals for sneakers, but these have so many different colors at once that they almost work as a neutral, while giving an otherwise plain outfit a bit of a pop (remember my personality socks?) I looked up their instagram and noticed Sienna Miller was wearing the City sneaker this past December. They didn’t have the post pinned to the top which made it cooler, ha.

Autry Medalist

Autry is a tennis sneaker brand from the 80s that has been revived in more recent years, which pairs well with tennis-core and the resurging interest in racquet sports. The Medalist was their original shoe from the 80s and reminds me a bit of the vintage Reebok one, while being a little more unique and status-y but plain enough to be classic as long as you go with one of the normal colorways. The Reelwind is also good. Speaking of more unique and status-y, I’d love to swap out the shoelaces for these ones.

Keen Newport

This one isn’t technically an actual sneaker, it’s a “closed toe water sandal”. But for what I typically want in a sneaker, it fits the bill. Have you heard of this brand Keen before? I had not. Their target customer seems to be an outdoorsy person who values comfort above all else, aka not me (though it’s amazing how the older I get, the more into comfort I am). I saw the Keen Newports mentioned in a recent email from The Strategist as “this summer’s comfort ‘it’ sandal”, and I was seduced by an image of a feminine white skirt paired with the utilitarian shoe. Especially in the black or beige, I imagine wearing them with something more feminine/a bit sexier for balance:

Ballerina sneakers

As a former prima ballerina wannabe (I danced through college) my inner child loves anything ballet related.4 When I saw the term “ballerina sneakers” (“sneakarinas”, blurg) for the first time a few years ago I was interested. Then I saw them and they were mostly hideous. But there are a few newer ones that have caught my eye, including two options from brands not previously on my radar that are both accessibly-priced and marketed as being made from more sustainable materials. First, these discreet black ones would be easy to dress up or down, they’re supposedly very comfortable, they fold up easily if you want to carry them as your alt shoes to an event, and they’re even machine washable. They give you the option to choose ribbon or elastic shoelaces. The second ballerina sneaker is definitely more trendy in silver, but how inspiring is the photo with the leg warmers?! Is it just me? I would have so much fun wearing these.5

With love xoxo,

Cher

P.s. Here is our launch video for the new F&M soap/lotion/lip balm if you haven’t already seen (sound on):

I missed last Friday’s newsletter. It was for a good reason—I've been heads down prepping something that’s been in the works for a long time. And as of yesterday, it’s live!

I launched new packaging and formulas for FORK & MELON—aka SOAP AF, LOTION AF, and LIP BALM AF. If you’ve been following along, you know how much thought, obsession, and good old-fashioned werk have gone into making them what they are now: fragrance-free, refillable, elevated, understated, and just cool.1

This isn’t just a product update. It feels like a turning point.

If you’re curious, you can see the new lineup here (I’m also proud of this new brand video). SOAP AF is clean luxury hand soap, body wash, face wash, and bubble bath in one. For people who care about their skin and what their sink looks like. Updated refill solutions are coming soon, and p.s. they’ll double as super convenient shower bottles…

I’ll be back next Friday with a new post about sneakers. And possibly a recap of my daughter’s first ballet recital—happening tonight!

Thanks for sticking with me!!!

With love xoxo,

Cher