In my journey of self-compassion, Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings on understanding unlocked a door in my heart – a door that had been blocking me from truly accepting others as they are, and from accepting myself as I am.

Didn’t we fall into some sort of weird belief that we should be perfect, or at least pretend to be?

And in our state of seeming perfection, it became so “natural” to judge others – to expect they should know better, to expect them to behave in ways our own mind has prescribed.

It’s interesting: even after following a spiritual path for many years, we haven’t uprooted these habitual patterns. In fact, we may have thought that judging others, holding them guilty or beholden to us, was an exception to our spiritual training.

Well, I’m hoping that you didn’t stray as far as I have.

But let’s start with our dear self.

We have thoughts and emotions that are sometimes horrible to witness. And our habits – we want so much to be free of them, but we keep falling into the same hole, again and again. It seems they’ve been there since beginningless time.

Striving but never reaching perfection, we have plenty of fuel for self-blame. And honestly, it’s exhausting.

We need to understand:
It’s human to be imperfect.

Our habits formed as a response to overwhelming experiences of adversity. The strategy we developed to protect ourselves when we were young is still running – and so we become reactive, or fall into patterns of avoidance.

As long as we judge ourselves, there’s a battle inside.

Kindness is not judging.

Kindness and compassion are born of understanding – a willingness to look at what’s behind our suffering, to find the younger part of ourselves who was overwhelmed, and instead of judging, to offer compassion and warm love to that part of us.

Again and again, we bring kindness – and especially, understanding – to our predicament, past and present.

Once we do this, it becomes easier to see others with that same heart of understanding. Like us, they are stuck in patterns they don’t understand. Like us, they want to be free of pain, fear, and suffering.

They never knew how to heal.

No one ever showed them any other way.

Having sent compassion to ourselves, our heart grows big enough to hold our family, our parents and ancestors, and in fact all living beings with this loving, compassionate wish:

“May all beings experience healing, and peace, and come to relax in essence love: the source of love and natural ease that’s their birthright.”

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join our online Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Guided meditation – free download

Connection and Love

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/eg1x99507xhp1ybfogsoj/REC-Sun-connection-love-pt2_17mar24.mp4?rlkey=12em6d9o01narwiudzs7j79r1&dl=0

Deutsch Verbindung und Liebe

https://www.dropbox.com/s/820au3d0vx927i1/GM%20D%20Verbindung%20und%20Liebe.mp3?dl=0

Español Conexión y Amor

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ioerw2ma7d0kke3djwurr/Love-and-connection.-CL.-SP.mp3?rlkey=l3p748d7643xdvkofts4h4cxi&dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

On hearing Brené Brown describe her finding that wholehearted people believe they are worthy of love and belonging, it made me wonder: what does that mean for the rest of us, who aren’t there yet?

Many of us struggle with the feeling we don’t deserve love. We may feel as if we’re damaged, or bad, or believe that a past mistake has doomed us to being forever unworthy and unforgivable.

Our heart, body, and mind all play a part in this: we keep thinking we’re unworthy, which becomes like an endless loop — the thought creates the feeling, and the feeling reinforces the thought, until the belief that we’re unworthy of love feels true.

It doesn’t matter what the reasons are. We must always remember:

Our beliefs are not ultimately true. Beliefs are simply entrenched thoughts and feelings that we’ve come to accept.

When they go unquestioned, we let these false and destructive beliefs
rule our emotions,
limit our potential,
ruin our health,
destroy our appreciation and joy,
and diminish our capacity for love and well-being.

And the bottom line: beliefs can be changed, and we can learn to feel worthy of love.

Our body is the messenger of compassion.

Why? Because our mind is constantly communicating with our body. But are those mental messages kind and life-enriching, or negative and fearful? In the Worthy of Love meditation, we’re learning to communicate with our body with kindness and love.

Bringing loving feelings and thoughts into our body dismantles old habits and beliefs and creates new neural pathways in our brain.

I used to feel that my mistakes and negative attitudes about myself were like prison walls, keeping my heart — and my capacity for joy — trapped in a dungeon. Feelings seem to be true, but in fact, most of the time, they’re misleading us.

The way out of the dungeon, I discovered, was to change my feelings. And it’s not so hard to do — though it does take dedicated and regular practice.

In the “Worthy of Love” meditation, we go beyond the prison walls of these false beliefs. We generate a stream of messages that we are loved and okay, just as we are — together with a feeling of loving warmth that radiates up from the earth into our whole being. We bring this loving warmth into our limbs, our torso, our heart, and into the millions and billions of cells within our body.

It’s a heart-to-heart communication: this inner message, moving from the earth into our feelings and our body, brings the right understanding — the truth that we are worthy of love.

Doing this meditation regularly dissolves the prison walls that had seemed so solid and permanent and gives rise to a newfound confidence that we are worthy of love and belonging. We reconnect with an inherent source of love— known as “essence love”: the fundamental knowing that we are okay, just as we are.

As the Buddha said:

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. He who loves himself will never harm another.”

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Guided meditation – free download

Feeling Worthy of love

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/1jxvbjmq4f0yo56l4r5wl/REC-Sun-Worthy-of-love-Pt-2_16mar25.mp4?rlkey=o404lknlzy9dh5u3x4n70bish&dl=0

Deutsch Feeling worthy of love

https://www.dropbox.com/s/serd4eyhi67itkd/GM%20D%20Feeling%20worthy%20of%20love%20TH%202feb20.mp3?dl=0

Español Feeling Worthy of Love

https://www.dropbox.com/s/9x5s8yw8zo01fl7/Feeling%20worthy%20of%20love.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Last week I shared some of the insights in how I slowly came to forgive my mother.

It wasn’t as straightforward as it appeared.

A few years ago, while attending sublime teachings from a highly realized Buddhist master I sensed my heart opening in a fresh way, and the insight dawned:
“There is nothing to forgive”.

I reached for my purse to get my mother’s opal ring and put it on my finger, smiling as I thought of her kindness.

Eventually though, the ring went back inside.
The inner battle resumed.

The intention was still here: daily seeing the ring, I affirmed my intention to forgive.

Another important insight from Thich Nhat Han’s teachings is the recognition that whatever our parent suffered at the hands of their parents goes back and back through generations. How could we ever point at one person as the “enemy” who is truly guilty?

The truth is that no one knew any other way to deal with their deep fear and pain. The suffering and patterns just go back endlessly – and they’ll go forward too – until the cycle is broken.

And the only one who can break the cycle is one who has learned another way to handle suffering. That’s me.

It was adversity that drew me to a spiritual path. It is the wisdom and love in the teachings that are helping me get free. Naturally, spontaneously comes the same wish to love and free all others – including those close to me.

It’s not just myself whom I’ve condemned to life in prison for my mistakes and imperfections and unwholesome patterns.

My parents and all my ancestors are here too. They are in every cell of my body. Their joy and love are in every cell; their wounds and sorrows and shame are in every cell. I have had a deluded idea that I could exist independently, but that’s not possible.

Recently, while describing a noble intention for the meditation I was about to guide, I introduced the compassionate wish that the meditation might benefit our family, parents, and all our ancestors.

Personally, I aspire to really feel this; to practice each time with a healing intention for my ancestors, as well as future generations of my family.

The next day, while quietly relaxing, I had a sense of my mother, father and both my step-parents being young and well and happy.

What a surprise!

Seeing them freed, I also felt well, and freed.

My freedom is and has always been connected with theirs.

And now, whenever past events come to mind, I aspire to keep my heart open in a state of loving forgiveness.

Simply – to abide in forgiveness.

As Ranier Maria Rilke wrote:

“The work of the eyes is done.
Go now and do the heart-work
on the images imprisoned within you.”

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Guided meditation – free download

Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aj2brvtv4q54vpllqasod/REC-Sun-compassion-Pt2_22mar26.m4a?rlkey=d4shuw60ca4hj7l0bhxum72r1&dl=0

Deutsch Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c07hau62qhnl64g/GM%20D%20Cultivating%20Compassion_7nov20.mp3?dl=0

Español Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/21600gg1zk8kure/Cultivating%20compassion.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Recently I’ve been guiding a meditation on Cultivating Compassion. It starts with extending compassion to a friend, then to your own suffering, and finally, toward the suffering of your mother.

Did that last phrase tweak a little reaction in you?
Maybe something like: “Why should I think of her suffering? What about how I suffered?”

I can’t remember all the times I experienced anguish, pain, and isolation in my childhood, but I regularly feel the effects of those adversities. Before I came to recognize there were hidden wounds, I spent a lot of my life judging my strange behaviors — always scanning for disaster, exploding into blind panic for no reason, being untrusting, or feeling numb toward others’ suffering.

There’s been an inner battle most of my life, and I’ve never known who or what the enemy is, since much of it hides behind a veil. What stays in the daylight are memories of my mother. Even on my spiritual path, I tried keeping her at a distance, all the while knowing this was eventually going to circle back around.

The details aren’t important. Here, and in next week’s letter, I want to share some insights from this journey — especially since they connect to my forthcoming chapter on forgiveness.

The last time I saw my mother – and we both knew it would be the last time – she gave me an opal ring surrounded by tiny diamonds she’d had designed. Opal is the stone for October, and since we both had October birthdays, she felt it was right to gift it to me. I was touched, and I thanked her.

Quietly, I clipped the ring to a zipper pull inside my purse, where I’d see it every day, with the intention that I would only wear it when I had forgiven my mother.

I discovered that this journey of forgiveness needed to start with spending time understanding and forgiving myself. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, if we want to feel compassion for others, we first need to feel compassion for our own suffering. And to do that, we need understanding — we need to see how this— our patterns and pain, came from that— the events that happened when we were young and vulnerable.

So I visualized myself as a young child, and let myself gently see how this younger part of me struggled with pain, betrayal, crippling fear, and isolation.

I’ve learned that trauma isn’t the event itself; the traumatic response forms when a person experiencing adversity is left to fend for themselves, without support, love, or comfort. It’s the resulting state of overwhelm and isolation.

Seeing this young girl’s pain with a compassionate heart, I was able to offer her comfort and love. And I could finally understand how my present patterns, fears and anguish had their origins in events that were beyond my ability to cope. I had to recognize and forgive myself for the strategies I created back then to survive.

Compassion is the heart’s ability to see suffering, combined with the wish to relieve it. It became clear that I had to start offering understanding and compassion to myself before I could possibly feel it for anyone else.

I was also aware I’d been avoiding the second part of Thich Nhat Hanh’s method. He suggests that once we’ve felt compassion for what the younger part of us endured, we then consider one of our parents as a vulnerable small child and imagine what they suffered.

Once I found the courage to do this, it wasn’t hard to realize that my mother’s suffering would have been similar to my own — and possibly a hundred times worse.

Like me, that little girl would have been overwhelmed. She would have created a strategy to survive — and those fear-based protective patterns are what later tarnished our relationship.

My heart softened, seeing my mother as a little girl who’d been cut off from her natural openheartedness, playfulness, and trust. Like me, she’d been disconnected from the basic okayness of essence love — the inherent source of love we’re all born with.

Seeing this vulnerable, sorrowing little girl, how could I not feel compassion?
How could I not offer my mother as a young girl a comforting embrace, with all my love?

Once in a while, I had looked at a photo of my mother in her 80s, gazing into the camera with a little girl’s eyes quietly imploring, “Love me.”

Now, her gaze touches my heart.

All the judgments and “shoulds” I’d been holding onto simply dissolved.

She, too, had a secret history of suffering — a pool of pain she never knew how to handle.

As Rainer Maria Rilke wrote:

“For one human being to love another is the most difficult task.

It is the work for which all other work is mere preparation.”

In my next post, I’ll continue sharing insights from this journey toward loving forgiveness.

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Here’s a sample of a Sunday meditation on Cultivating Compassion – for ourselves and our mother

Recording of the meditation on Sunday July 5: Cultivating Compassion

Part 1

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ns9o7fkfaqr6hnu5steis/REC-Sun-compassion-pt1_5jul26.m4a?rlkey=nv2rx746oc4gc5qj7on7fp71c&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/lxbjlq9vws6pi33t2qdke/REC-Sun-compassion-pt2_5jul26.m4a?rlkey=ebjgc9jb9bt17gu2cynqgob0r&dl=0

Guided Meditation - free download

Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aj2brvtv4q54vpllqasod/REC-Sun-compassion-Pt2_22mar26.m4a?rlkey=d4shuw60ca4hj7l0bhxum72r1&dl=0

Deutsch Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c07hau62qhnl64g/GM%20D%20Cultivating%20Compassion_7nov20.mp3?dl=0

Español Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/21600gg1zk8kure/Cultivating%20compassion.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

What are we meant to do in this life?
Maybe the better question is: what are we meant to undo?

No matter what we try, we feel so far away from the deep peace our heart is longing for, that our body is longing for, that our nervous system desperately needs.

Early in life, we got disconnected from a basic feeling of being at home in ourselves, of being well in our own skin.

We wander around trying to solve our problems and cope with our sufferings and losses, and all the while, coming home to a deep peace and a sense of open-heartedness feels unreachable.

We waste so much time throwing spears of judgment at ourselves. We waste so much energy blaming and judging others. There’s always an inner pressure, as if we have to do more, or get something perfect, in order to feel truly worthy of love.

That’s really such a delusion.
Why?

Because we are searching for something that already exists at the core of our being. We were born with a fundamental sense of okayness, a sense of ease and confidence, of joy and open-heartedness. This okayness is called essence love. It’s a healthy sense of love that is the source of genuine compassion. And, essence love is the basis or ground for the infinite, non-dual love of our true nature.

I know, I know, self-compassion is a strange word. It lacks spark! And still, it’s the best way I know of pointing toward how we come back home to this ease and confidence that is our birthright.

People who are tired of struggling instinctively know compassion for themselves is what they have been missing.

For me, self-compassion is accepting a gift: learning to be kind to myself and to my dear body. It’s the gift of being able to gently witness the adversity, fear, and suffering in my past that gave rise to the strange patterns I’ve had all my life, and it’s the gift of finally understanding what’s been holding me back.

When I see these younger parts of me who suffered with overwhelming pain, fear and isolation, and offer them care and compassion, there is a meaningful sense of coming home.

This is the real compassion I’ve been running from, because I was afraid to be present to my own suffering. Afraid to be present and witness my mother’s suffering; my father’s anguish.

I’ve heard many teachings about how wonderful it is to have compassion for others. But this implies I’m able to truly see their struggles and understand their inability to get free of their patterns and pain. Compassion is being touched on seeing this suffering, together with the heart’s wish to do whatever I can to alleviate their pain, once and for all.

Yet until now, I could never feel this tender-hearted compassion for others. I had been withholding it from my own dear self.

By lovingly caring for and showing compassion to the younger parts of me who suffered, and being gentle toward my current struggles, a deep understanding is born. Now it’s clear how I got so disconnected from this basic ease and confidence of essence love.

And on this journey, when I see people trapped in their patterns and fears, when I witness their insecurity or self-hatred, their self-centeredness and sense of unworthiness – just like mine – I’m able to accept and understand them the same way I’ve learned to accept myself.

Self-compassion doesn’t make us more indulgent or selfish. It opens our heart to truly see and care for the suffering of others and gives rise to a sincere wish for them to be entirely free.

It may sound simple, but having compassion for yourself takes a lot of courage. You must connect with a deep willingness to do whatever it takes to rescue your dear self — that one who’s been trapped in the rubble.

Yet once you do this, your heart becomes so noble.

Once you free yourself, you want more than anything for everyone to be free.

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want a sampling of a Sunday session? Listen below.

Recording of the meditation on Sunday June 28 Cultivating Compassion

Part 1

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ajydhvflnyldd9hd12w7n/REC-Sun-Compassion-pt1_28jun26.m4a?rlkey=qu4k46wjgmuddo1m6lettlesk&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/5veync9xwtxynmoik57qp/REC-Sun-Compassion-pt2_28jun26.m4a?rlkey=x7kw7pi5zuh79l7uehc27fjf7&dl=0

Guided Meditation - free download

Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aj2brvtv4q54vpllqasod/REC-Sun-compassion-Pt2_22mar26.m4a?rlkey=d4shuw60ca4hj7l0bhxum72r1&dl=0

Deutsch Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c07hau62qhnl64g/GM%20D%20Cultivating%20Compassion_7nov20.mp3?dl=0

Español Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/21600gg1zk8kure/Cultivating%20compassion.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

At first glance, having compassion for ourselves may seem selfish. But when we see our own suffering with genuine understanding and respond with an open heart, that same compassion is naturally going to extend to everyone else.

Self-compassion comes first; it’s the foundation.

Self-compassion — and its opposites, harsh self-judgment, feelings of unworthiness, and at the extreme, self-loathing — are like the ancient landscape of an abandoned garden.

The original beauty is still discernible, but our vision is offended by the debris, and we turn away. What follows are a few examples of that inner debris, signs that self-compassion was sorely lacking in my life, and what I had to begin acknowledging in my own journey.

In her novel Animal Dreams, Barbara Kingsolver describes five-year-old twin sisters whose last glimpse of their mother is when she’s being airlifted to a hospital. Twenty years later, one sister, working with indigenous people in Nicaragua, is captured and killed by the Contras. Before her capture, she had written to her sister:

“You think I’m here to help these people, but actually, working with them is redeeming my life.”

I felt a powerful jolt of recognition. How much of what I do — including working to the point of exhaustion — is an attempt to redeem my life? Why do I feel the need to redeem myself at all? And who will ever throw down the flag, declare the redemption complete, so I can relax and trust that I belong?

My friend Janet has spent nearly a decade teaching an online course on cultivating loving kindness. One of the first steps in the practice is rekindling a memory of being loved, so we can receive love again and let it warm our heart.

Janet told me she’s incredulous at how many participants describe their main challenge with the meditation is feeling unworthy to receive love.

I asked her: “Out of 100 people, how many struggle with this?”
“Ninety-nine,” she replied.

Take a moment to feel that.

Are you the one who feels worthy of love — or part of the 99?

We feel the need to redeem ourselves because we believe we’re not enough. We think we must earn worthiness. But nothing we do can make us worthy, because we already are — inherently, from the time we were born. This is “essence love” - a fundamental sense of okayness, a sense of confidence and well-being that’s not dependent on anything.

Feeling unworthy is a sign we’ve been disconnected from essence love. All our troubles begin there. So, the two core questions are: what has disconnected us, and how do we find our way back?

Brene Brown’s research on vulnerability found that we are neurobiologically wired for connection. Connection gives our lives meaning and purpose. What unravels connection, she says, is shame. With toxic shame comes the fear that if people really knew us, they would reject us. Shame in fact is the feeling of disconnection.

We hide from others, and more painfully, from ourselves.

Living in that fear, we struggle constantly with feeling unworthy, either numbing our vulnerability or trying to prove ourselves or achieve perfection, while fearing deep down that nothing we do will ever be enough.

When we believe we are fundamentally bad, what can be done? Not knowing how to redeem ourselves, we feel hollow inside and keep striving for an achievement or perfection that will finally make us feel worthy of love and belonging.

Hollowness is a bottomless pit. No search for redemption, no achievement, no proof of worthiness will ever be enough. Worse, our attempts only reinforce the problem. When we make a mistake, climb over others to succeed, or fall into self-destructive patterns, the inner critic seizes on this.

There follows a toxic stream of judgment, reproach, and blame that only deepens our conviction that we are not, and can never be, worthy of love.

Self-compassion is the opposite of recrimination or self-hate. We begin to have compassion for ourselves when we finally see the weapons we’ve been clutching — and are moved to gently set them down.

That’s what this heroic journey is about: to meet yourself fully, with a tender heart, and show compassion for the suffering you’ve experienced – and are experiencing.

This is how you come home to yourself and reconnect with your innate goodness – a well-being and openheartedness that’s the basis of your path.

Genuine compassion is made of courage, kindness, and connection.
And compassion for others starts with having compassion for yourself.

Leave a comment

A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Guided Meditation - free download

Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aj2brvtv4q54vpllqasod/REC-Sun-compassion-Pt2_22mar26.m4a?rlkey=d4shuw60ca4hj7l0bhxum72r1&dl=0

Deutsch Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c07hau62qhnl64g/GM%20D%20Cultivating%20Compassion_7nov20.mp3?dl=0

Español Cultivating Compassion

https://www.dropbox.com/s/21600gg1zk8kure/Cultivating%20compassion.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” - my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Gently seeing

As soon as I say it, the inner churning becomes quieter.

It even seems to stop, momentarily.

Gently seeing.

When I say this silently, the heart feels tender. Actually, the heart feels!

Sensing this brings a little gladness.

Gently seeing.

Whenever the inner commentary starts judging what I’m doing, ‘gently seeing’ melts it a little.

Pretty soon I’ll have a break and make coffee and a snack. The low rumbling train of thought begins its evaluation:

“You don’t deserve a break; you haven’t worked hard enough.

Coffee can make you nervous, are you sure that’s a good idea?

What kind of snack were you thinking?

You’d better start skipping snacks or your clothes won’t fit . . .”

Self-rejection can pile up, one layer on top of another, until I feel trapped in the middle of a landfill.

Gently seeing.

Seeing what’s there.

Seeing, being gentle with whatever is there.

Imagine how my life would be different if I lived with self-compassion.

What first came to mind was: more peaceful. So, I tried using the phrase “more peaceful” as a touchstone to be aware of throughout my day. Yet that phrase can turn into fodder for my typical inner battle:

I should be peaceful.

I’m not feeling peaceful; therefore, this is useless.

I can’t feel peaceful, so something is wrong with me.

Maybe on vacation I can feel peaceful, but not in the midst of this chaos.

“More peaceful”: so much hope and fear was hanging on those words.

Giving all that up, sitting quietly, bringing my awareness into my body, and connecting with my heart, there came sucha tenderness for the whole helpless scenario:

the critical voice of superiority;

the part of me who’s trying to be good, yet feeling attacked;

and the patterns of hope and aversion that appear as soon as I move in any direction, like burrs stubbornly clinging to my socks while walking through a summer field.

That’s how I came to “Gently seeing”.

Not expecting anything to change, not trying to be good, not feeling I’ve failed when the critic starts up, and not being a victim.

I’m not thinking that anything, whatsoever, is wrong in this torqued dance.

Simply, gently seeing.

Maybe now I can observe my mind, with its fountainlike light-show of rising thoughts and feelings cut through by colorful sword-like commentaries – and remember to drop back down to ‘gently seeing.’

Seeing.

Gently.

This.

And this too.

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Gratitude: The above photo is the Tibetan master Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche. If you ever needed a source of love, of mercy, or blessings, you couldn’t find anyone better. The photo credit is unknown, but I am very grateful.

A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to hear a sample of a Sunday session?

Recording of the meditation on an Open Sunday Session – Connection & Love

Part 1 - introduction

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/iqskhb6w85styt4fo2pb9/REC-Sun-Connect_Love-pt1_1mar26.m4a?rlkey=y9h6gf6wfzus2o0o3o68jpaob&dl=0

Part 2 - guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/13d89dhtdv1e992acqra5/REC-Sun-Connect_love_self_pt2_1mar26.m4a?rlkey=vyggjdjxc16kb7r1hjxb82noq&dl=0

Guided Meditation - free download

Connection and Love

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aakehatuvcfs4spif7odw/REC-Sun-Connection_love-pt2_2nov25.m4a?rlkey=p6o90zm11915h5jwiey5rnmn2&dl=0

Deutsch Verbindung und Liebe

https://www.dropbox.com/s/820au3d0vx927i1/GM%20D%20Verbindung%20und%20Liebe.mp3?dl=0

Español Conexión y Amor

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ioerw2ma7d0kke3djwurr/Love-and-connection.-CL.-SP.mp3?rlkey=l3p748d7643xdvkofts4h4cxi&dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 text and recording: Christine Longaker

Soon I'll be giving an online seminar on Self-forgiveness in the Light of Compassion. And it's good to reflect on why this is so important for our life and our path and even for a peaceful death.

When we wander around inside our own minds, shaped by a lifetime of conditioning, we can paint a pretty dark picture. It's hard to remember the moments of kindness, the times we showed up, the quiet ways our presence made a difference.

But the list of what went wrong? That one's long and detailed – sort of burned in our brain. All the moments of selfishness. The times we were self-absorbed and blind to someone else's humanity, or turned away from their cry for help. And sometimes we could be so mean, in our words and actions and even our thoughts.

In the moments we’re aware of what we’re doing, and how it goes on, year after year, our inner critic exudes a toxic stream of self-judgment: How could I be so bad?

No matter if we’re on a spiritual path, whoever we are, we have locked ourselves in a prison and thrown away the key.

From there, the question is: how will we ever be able to see ourselves as worthy of love and belonging?
And: is self-forgiveness even possible?

These questions have stayed with me for years. I've researched them, sat with other people's insights, and come to a clear cognitive understanding of a few very good reasons I can “let myself off the hook.”

But understanding alone isn't enough. I learned the most important thing is to change my feelings. That's what will actually set me free.

Anita Moorjani, author of Dying to Be Me, speaks about forgiveness from a place almost no one else can. Her understanding didn't come through study or spiritual practice — it came through dying.

In February 2006, with cancer that had spread throughout her body and all her organs shutting down, she slipped into a coma and clinically died. What happened next in her NDE (near-death experience) transformed everything she had believed about herself, about fear, illness, and forgiveness.

She directly experienced what she calls magnificence — the vast, luminous and pure nature of herself and all beings.

And what was the first surprising insight she had?

The person she had never forgiven was herself.

Much of her life she had been focused on forgiving others, or on being forgiven. But in her near-death experience, she saw that the real need for reconciliation ran in the opposite direction—inward. She writes:

“I understood that the cancer wasn't a punishment . . . In that expansive state, I realized how harshly I'd treated myself throughout my life. There was nobody punishing me. I finally understood that it was me I hadn't forgiven. I was the one who was judging me, whom I'd forsaken, and whom I didn't love enough. It had nothing to do with anyone else.”

I believe this is the secret assignment we've all been given: to see our lives with deep understanding and tenderness and develop mercy for ourselves. Not years from now. Not on our deathbed. Now.

She also writes: “I realized that if people hurt or are rude to me, I don't need to forgive them—because when people hurt others, they do it out of their own pain. Once you see that, you realize there is nothing to forgive.”

Flip that over: the same is true for us. When we've hurt someone, we ourselves were in tremendous fear and pain and—like an animal with its leg caught in a trap—we acted blindly, reflexively.

The critical path goes a bit like this:

In order to forgive ourselves, we need to explore our secret history, and see how, blinded by pain, with our leg caught in a trap, we made mistakes.

Opening our heart to this part of us who suffered and made mistakes, a warm compassion flows toward this younger part who was trapped.

When genuine compassion wells up, there’s a break in our cloudy confusion.

What's revealed is our own basic goodness—a skylike openness, a sunlike warmth, a joyful, open-hearted freedom that is always here beneath the stories we’ve been telling ourselves.

In the end, we discover we don’t want to keep dwelling in our fear-based “guilty” sense of self. Letting it go, we can rely instead on our goodness, on the magnificence that’s within.

That's what this journey is for. To help you shift your feelings—to let yourself be touched by your own story in a caring way; with mercy. The sense of forgiveness and peace you've been looking for is about developing compassion for this one, right here.

Once we do so, this deep understanding and compassion naturally extends to all beings, just as sunlight shines effortlessly over all creation.

As Kabir reminds us:
“What you call ‘salvation’
belongs to the time before death.
What is found now is found then.”

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A deeper dive

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Online Seminar starting June 20

Read more: Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Open drop-in meditations

You’re warmly invited to join the Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free.

Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Guided meditation – free download

Self forgiveness – leg in a trap

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/2md7d6f85m5ufbjt1n12x/GM-self-forgiveness-leg-in-trap-16apr25.pdf?rlkey=9dhs99dodc7msojm96pm6v1c5&dl=0

Español – Self-forgiveness – leg in a trap

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/e8hxy1jsotzk0uk09o0fx/Self-forgiveness-leg-caught-in-trap.-Spanish..m4a?rlkey=kj0ebpkjftwr1itjfxuf0tuqy&dl=0

Also available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Letting there be room for not knowing
is the most important thing of all.
When there’s a big disappointment,
we don’t know if that’s the end of the story.
It may just be the beginning
of a great adventure.
Life is like that.
We don’t know anything.
We call something bad; we call it good.
But really we just don’t know.

–Pema Chödron, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Let's say you want to clean your heart and let go of old hurts and resentments. There are plenty of books and online courses on forgiveness. But before we can make peace with another person, we have to make peace within.

How? By understanding and easing our anger.

We tend to think of anger as the hot kind – bursting into rage or seeking revenge. But there are some of us who judge these people, as if we're somehow superior, while retreating into a cold anger. We withdraw, disconnect, go silent behind the wall we've built – toward that person, or toward life itself. Both types of anger are harmful, just different.

At a retreat in Dzogchen Beara, Ringu Tulku said something that landed like a thunderclap:

“Samsara – (the restless, unsatisfying nature of ordinary life) – is cut-throat. The sooner you get that, your life will be easier. Of course, sometimes people are nice, and you can appreciate them. But stop expecting this from everyone.”

His words upended our cherished assumption – that people should always be aware and kind, and anything less is an affront, a source of righteous anger.

But what if our expectation is itself the problem?

He continued:

“You have been so fortunate to receive teachings that show how to realize the awakened state. But you'll never realize it if you remain as you are now. Instead of being clear and free, your mind and body are filled with old hurts and blame that you keep re-living. You have to purify and release these, again and again, until it works – until your feeling changes.”

Maybe it's time to accept that people are simply being human – primarily looking out for themselves, as they've been conditioned to do.

Imagine you're wearing an expensive outfit at a party thrown in your honor. You're talking with friends, holding a glass of red wine, when someone bumps you violently from behind and the wine spills all over you. You begin shouting: “Look what you’ve done! Are you blind?!!” And, turning to glare at them, you see that indeed, the person is blind.

Everyone, including our parents, wants to be happy and free of suffering. But none of us truly know how to find happiness, so we end up unwittingly causing harm to others, and ourselves. Many people move through life like a bull in a china shop – causing a lot of damage while blinded by self-absorption, fear, and tremendous inner pain.

The sooner we release our expectation that people should be otherwise, the less we will suffer.

As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, our storehouse consciousness holds every kind of seed: seeds of awareness and compassion; and seeds of jealousy, fear and anger. When we get angry, we usually believe that a person or event is the cause of our anger. But the truth is that a new situation has activated the seed of anger already within us.

And that anger is almost always woven together with a core belief, likely formed in a wound from early in life, that gives it fuel and ensures it keeps recurring. The old saying is true: we are never angry for the reason we think.

So before you move toward forgiveness, acknowledge and care for the part of you that is suffering. Yes, you feel resentment or anger – but inside that feeling, explore: what does this angry part of me truly need? And listen.

Anger is like the tip of an iceberg.

What is below – what’s underneath the feeling of anger?
Drop down, be patient, and let yourself see where you’re really hurting.

We are not so different from a person who harmed us. None of us were taught how to handle our suffering, so we react instinctively, thoughtlessly, blindly. No one showed us another way. That is the human predicament. With tenderness, we can open our hearts with compassion for the countless beings caught and suffering tremendously in this cycle, including ourselves.

Nothing will change in the world until we change.

Healing takes energy, commitment and courage. We can dedicate the merit and blessings of this healing journey for our family and parents and all our ancestors. Our sincere efforts toward healing ripple forward too, benefiting future generations as well.

And, with insight, it’s possible to recognize that all beings in fact are our ancestors, our family, our descendants – as near to us as our dearest friend.

As the Buddha taught:

“Hatred will never destroy hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and eternal.”

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to sample a Sunday session? Click these links

Recording of the meditation on Sunday May 31 – Infinite Joy

Part 1

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/wu0baa8lab1vkbpdl9mt9/REC-Sun-Infinite-Joy-pt1_31may26.m4a?rlkey=7ecvwlq64c3dt838xxctm5fz5&st=3cdwba0b&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/26c53a1t9zdgvt7158407/REC-Sun-Infinite-Joy-pt2_31may26.m4a?rlkey=q1q8jk8zv2ztmeafkjfvfybk5&st=sssdwnbu&dl=0

Available for you

Guided Meditation - free download

Infinite Joy

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2bx3mzit5wxmjsb/GM%20Infinite%20Joy%2029mar22.mp3?dl=0

Español Infinite Joy

https://www.dropbox.com/s/3gh137a7zmlcb7f/Infinite%20joy.%20%20Practice.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Online Seminar starts soon - June 20

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Years ago, I was leading a contemplative end-of-life care training in Northern California. I had just finished speaking about the importance of forgiving others as part of preparing for a peaceful death when a young man raised his hand and asked:

“What can we do if we thought we’d forgiven someone, yet when a similar event happens, all the old anger comes rushing back?”

A long silence followed. My mind stumbled because his question illuminated the same wall I had repeatedly run into myself. No answer came. Finally, I said,

“Actually, I don’t know. Let’s take a break, and I’ll spend some time reflecting on your question.”

Years later, I’m still reflecting on it, along with a few related mysteries:
-Where does anger hide so that it keeps resurfacing, and how can I release it?
-Is it possible to feel compassion for someone who has deliberately caused harm?
-What’s missing? What do I need that will enable me to finally forgive, and let go?

In my forthcoming book, I’ll be exploring the role of forgiveness in our journey toward self-compassion. Before we can genuinely forgive, however, we need to address the deeper issue. When we rush to forgive, we’re stepping over the moaning person lying in the road—the wounded part of ourselves that is still hurting and angry.

Most of us were never taught how to understand the energy of anger nor how to be with it in ways that do not cause further harm—to ourselves or others. Yet when we learn to care for our anger, something shifts.

Now, from a place of greater clarity, we can express our needs more honestly and be more open to hearing the needs of others. Instead of it continuing to be a “beautiful monster”, learning to care for our anger helps us release it, and reveal its true nature, which is essence love. In that fundamental relaxed sense of well-being, we are able to forgive.

Anger is a tricky emotion. Some of us are regularly overtaken and feel ashamed of the damage it wreaks. Others, conditioned by family, culture, or spiritual beliefs that label anger as “bad,” learn to repress, deny, or mask angry feelings.

Expressions of anger are often judged differently depending on one’s gender: anger in men and boys is often seen as acceptable or even as a sign of strength, while women and girls are frequently criticized or vilified for expressing it.

Anger can also arise as a response to injustice. It will naturally rise when we are subjected to verbal or physical attacks because of our race, gender, religion, sexuality, or cultural background.

In the current milieu, anger is often the result of a growing sense of helplessness. Many people feel distressed by decisions made by those in power—whether in politics, economics, climate policy, the perpetuation of violence and conflict toward one’s neighbors—or on an international scale. Beneath this anger is the perception that we’ve stopped protecting the common good.

Is anger always bad?
I used to think so.

I often encountered teachings that described anger as destructive. There is truth in that perspective, because often it ravages relationships and families, however, this question deserves a closer look.

In his book Perfecting Patience the Dalai Lama wrote something that opened my understanding. He points out that the Tibetan word usually translated into English as “anger” — zhe dang — actually means something closer to “hatred.”

Hatred, he says, is never positive. But anger, when it comes from compassion or moves us to protect someone from harm, can be positive.

That feels right. A parent stepping in when a child is in danger isn’t acting from hatred. Someone who speaks up when another person is being wronged isn’t either. At the core of anger is its pure wisdom aspect: clarity. With clarity, anger can come from love.

Anger becomes harmful when it’s mixed with judgment, pride, and a sense of entitlement. Then it can turn into hatred or fixation — an insatiable need to even the score through punishment or revenge.

As a raw emotion, anger is often brief; researchers suggest the physiological surge of any emotion lasts less than a minute. But when we fuel anger with judging thoughts and beliefs, we reify it, so that over time, anger becomes our identity.

Whether expressed as hot rage or cold resentment, hatred creates a barrier between ourselves and others, disconnects us from our basic goodness, and diminishes our capacity for well-being or even a good night’s sleep! Left unattended, anger can be very destructive.

The teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh offer a perspective that may seem radical, yet is deeply liberating.

He encourages us to recognize anger as a younger, suffering part of ourselves with unmet needs. The crying does not stop because we shush the baby or shame it or explain why it shouldn’t feel angry. The crying eases when the baby is simply held with kindness and warmth.

Before we can make peace with another person, the part of us that is in pain needs to be acknowledged. Held, and cared for.

In his meditation on walking with emotions, Thich Nhat Hanh guides us to walk gently with feelings of anger, sorrow or fear — breathing with them, staying with them, holding the feelings as our baby, deserving of our care.

I have returned to this practice many times in moments when strong feelings threatened to overwhelm me.

The question that young man asked has never fully left me. I suspect it hasn’t left you either.

What would happen if we stopped treating anger as our enemy?

In my coming posts, I’ll share some surprising insights into the nature of anger and explore what it means to care for our anger, learn from it, and finally release the beliefs that hold it in place.

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to sample a Sunday session? Click these links

Recording of the meditation Sunday May 24: Handshake + motivation

Part 1 - introduction

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/z78n2vbuhib9v66r3qk1x/REC-Sun-Handshake-pt1_24may26.m4a?rlkey=m9zr8eqyw8spn2qrsdo9v85mp&st=qvuvh6mq&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/vxmk45fr0fn3u7r4idp6s/REC-Sun-Handshake-pt2_24may26.m4a?rlkey=3z1xbe6bzo66gewc0q7pp1v5t&st=16b8tlr5&dl=0

Free Guided Meditation

Handshake + motivation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ml0n5tbd7nqnyhdb10qc8/GM-Handshake-_motivation_17may26.m4a?rlkey=iimc0px1olo025bx34dc4xbii&st=17v2dmvr&dl=0

Available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Online Seminar in June - July

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

We’re always in some kind of mood.

It might be sadness, it might be anger,

it might be not much of anything, just a kind of blur.

It might be humor or contentment.

In any case, whatever it is, that’s the path.

When something hurts in life,

we don’t usually think of it as our path

or as the source of wisdom.

In fact, we think that the reason we’re on the path

is to get rid of this painful feeling.

In this way, we naively cultivate

a subtle aggression against ourselves.

However, the fact is that anyone

who has used the moments, days, and years of his or her life

to become wiser, kinder, and more at home in the world

has learned from what’s happening right now.

We can aspire to be kind right in the moment,

to relax and open our heart and mind

to what is in front of us right in the moment.

Now is the time.

If there’s any possibility

for enlightenment, it’s right now,

not at some future time.

–Pema Chödron, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Yes, it is a miracle to wake up alive today. It is a miracle to see colors and light, to eat our favorite food, to make a baby smile.

But the deeper miracle is what we feel once we’ve cleaned our heart. We faintly remember this clear heart from our early years — like the pleasure of a lingering scent — the aliveness and tenderness, the spontaneous playfulness that was such a joy. This fundamental sense of ease and okayness is called “essence love”.

Self-compassion, ultimately, is a journey to free our heart so we can live from the pure goodness and joy of our natural state. Our Buddha nature — the “divine spark” within — is presently clouded over, which is why we rarely experience it. The good news is that we do not need to earn it. Our path is simply to remove the clouds that obscure the radiant joy and basic goodness at the core of our being.

The Path of Healing is freeing our heart from the debris that has darkened it for much of our life. This means acknowledging, understanding, and having compassion for the younger part of us who was vulnerable and who suffered — alone and afraid.

It means forgiving ourselves for the survival patterns we created, and for the things we did to others out of self-absorption and crippling fear.

From there, we turn this same understanding and tender awareness toward our parents, or, toward those who harmed us. They too carry a secret history of suffering. Like us, they developed strategies to survive, and they didn’t know any other way.

Of course they made mistakes. Of course they were sometimes selfish and blind.

Just like us, everything they did was an attempt to find happiness and get free of suffering. But having never learned what real happiness is, they unwittingly caused harm — to others and to themselves.

Contemplate this: Can I abide in joy while holding onto weapons of attack?

The true meaning of forgiveness is setting down our judgments and desire for revenge — letting them go.

When we look clearly, we see that clinging to anger and endlessly reliving our story of victimhood actually keeps us chained to the person who hurt us.

Forgiveness is the only way to cut those chains and become free.

When we forgive — the generous gesture of canceling a debt — we are removing the thorn from our wound so that it can finally heal.

Forgiveness is a decision: a determination to clear the debris from our heart so we can move forward in the lightness and confidence of essence love.

Then, through sustained meditation, the open, sky-like spaciousness and loving compassion of our true nature can shine freely — like the sun.

As Tsoknyi Rinpoche teaches, the Path of Healing must come before the Path of Awakening. Through healing, we come to understand the roots of human behavior — why, when trapped in pain, people act against their own deepest values and against basic human decency.

Understanding the sources of suffering is crucial. It allows us to hold the whole predicament with a tender heart — and from there, we can genuinely love and forgive.

As self-compassion deepens, we find ourselves judging less. We begin to see other people — and the ways they stumble — with the same understanding and mercy we’ve extended to ourselves.

From clear understanding, compassion and forgiveness naturally flow. As Thich Nhat Hanh says:

“It is like a miracle. You no longer want to punish them. You only want to help.”

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to sample a Sunday session? Click these links:

Recording of the meditation on Sunday May 17 – Handshake + motivation

Part 1

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/w18sdztwix68q13olhkqx/REC-Sun-Handshake-pt1_17may26.m4a?rlkey=rddcw32vrs7c1l03r0oq4wuhz&st=trzdk4i8&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/m3sc02elsl0w0ifno9km1/REC-Sun-Handshake_pt2_17may26.m4a?rlkey=3mi91s3knwx6vpakzda776p5g&st=a7lnx5pq&dl=0

Available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Free Guided Meditation

Handshake + motivation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ml0n5tbd7nqnyhdb10qc8/GM-Handshake-_motivation_17may26.m4a?rlkey=iimc0px1olo025bx34dc4xbii&st=17v2dmvr&dl=0

Online Seminar in June - July

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

The root of joy is gratefulness.

It is not joy that makes us grateful;

it is gratitude that makes us joyful.

Everything is a gift.

—Brother David Steindl-Rast

What is Joy?
And why is joy essential on the path of self-compassion?

Many of us spend our lives either resisting painful emotions or being overtaken by them. As Thich Nhat Hanh observed: we never learned how to handle suffering.

He describes some essential skills that help us handle and heal suffering.

One is developing an ability to relax in the present moment — to meet our feelings with openness and acceptance. Whatever is here, is okay.

Another skill is to change the way we view suffering.

We’ve been conditioned to think of suffering as bad, something to get free of as soon as possible. But suffering often awakens in us a deep wish to change. More than once, suffering has cracked open our shell of self-absorption and connected us with our tender, expansive heart.

So, suffering has one good quality: it helps us to grow; to develop personally and spiritually.

Without the muddy swamp, the radiant lotus cannot bloom. As Thich Nhat Hanh said:

“No mud, no lotus.”

Without suffering, no radiance of compassion; no blossoming of wisdom.

But here’s the thing. If we approach healing while still absorbed in unresolved wounds, emotional defenses or shame, we may get lost in fears or memories or harsh self-judgment.

That is why another essential strength on the path of healing is joy.

In mindfulness training, Buddha emphasized the importance of connecting with “the conditions for happiness” that are available in every moment. Admittedly, this idea can feel impossible — especially if we are hurting. When the mind is clouded, it becomes difficult to see and appreciate the miracles taking place within and around us.

And yet they are still here.

Anyone who has faced chronic pain or serious illness knows what it is to appreciate moments – or parts of our body – that are free of pain. Though it’s almost four years since my life-threatening infection, each morning it feels like a miracle that I’m still alive.

As Brother David Steindl-Rast writes:
“Gratitude is an open-hearted willingness to receive each moment of life as a gift.”

This is the little secret that makes it all work: gratefulness and joy begin with savoring.

During the pandemic lockdown, I asked the Universe to show me “proofs of love”.

By asking, it became easier to savor what I was receiving:
the warmth of sunlight,
the sound of birds,
the color of leaves,
the taste of food,
playfully greeting a baby,
the movement of clouds,
the ability to walk, or dance,
the gifts of having shelter and food.

Savoring what we had taken as “ordinary” illuminates our heart with appreciation and gratefulness. Life is living through us: everything is a gift.

So, when we engage with methods for healing, we start by pausing to be aware of nourishing aspects of life that are available, no matter our circumstances. In just a few moments we can connect with the happiness of appreciating one simple gift.

I used to think joy was a reward that comes at the end of the process, but in fact, being aware of gratefulness and joy supports our healing.

Pain narrows our world until suffering feels like the whole story. But moments of appreciation expand the frame. They remind us that beyond the storm clouds, there is still a vast and open sky.

Joy does not deny suffering; it gives us the strength to meet suffering without being overwhelmed.

I invite you, whenever you’re out walking, to ask the Universe to show you “proofs of love”. You may start smiling as you begin noticing all that’s being revealed.

Reconnecting with beauty, wonder, gratitude, and simple presence, we reconnect with life itself.

And in that simple joy – in that sky-like openness of heart – healing becomes possible.

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A deeper dive

In relation to healing, today I’ll be guiding a practice taught by Tsoknyi Rinpoche, called “Handshake”. I hope you can join us in the open session!

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to sample a Sunday session? Click these links.

Recording of the meditation on Sunday May 10 – Handshake

Part 1

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/vvl7f5h7xhlsrc8re97v4/REC-Sun-handshake-1_10may26.m4a?rlkey=87pq02vvaxju27xk8nb27d86s&st=uf8abwp0&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/29h98i3wb9re4ugwowel0/REC-Sun-handshake-2_10may26.m4a?rlkey=zou77v8eh4wjdi7wwnsw8yojw&st=7ppwp2u1&dl=0

Part 3

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/a8fpz96vv73bf8j73p7wg/REC-Sun-handshake-3_10may26.m4a?rlkey=8mrekox01of9aercc462c8l9m&st=enyodue9&dl=0

Free Guided Meditation

Handshake + motivation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ml0n5tbd7nqnyhdb10qc8/GM-Handshake-_motivation_17may26.m4a?rlkey=iimc0px1olo025bx34dc4xbii&st=17v2dmvr&dl=0

Online Seminar in June - July

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Let everything happen to you:

beauty and terror.
Just keep going.

No feeling is final.

Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

– Ranier Maria Rilke, Book of Hours (trans. by Joanna Macy and Anita Barrows)

This week I wanted to tell you some lovely things about gratefulness and joy.

Yet on waking, the mind and body were wound really tight – shouting, work work work!

Who was this new guest and what did she want with me? With great care as if my heart were an eggshell, I made coffee.

After coffee, I took my seat in front of the colorful pre-dawn sky to see what would come, and like a dark velvet cloak, sorrowing settled over my heart.

The deep oche, gold and red clouds arrayed themselves like a flag of victory against an azure sky, as if to say, Here – we are here for you! Choose life!

And the heart hiding in darkness couldn’t let it in.

I chanted the Refuge prayer three times in Pali:

Buddham saranam gacchami . . . Dhammam saranam gacchami . . . Sangham saranam gacchami

Once, sitting in an ancient Sri Lankan shrine with a wide-eyed Buddha, I guided this chant in a melodious way for a small group. It echoed and expanded the heavens in this tiny room.

After coming out of the shrine, the ochre-robed monks of the monastery were looking on with great curiosity.

Last week, a friend had asked,

“What do you think of all that’s going on in the world?”

And I replied,

“I read some headlines here and there. I can’t look at any video of the news; I can’t take it in.

“I don’t have an opinion; I am not afraid: I’m just watching.

“If I long for the past or go to the future, I’ll explode. Like a bird on a wire, I can only stay with what’s here, right now.”

She said, “I’m going more often to the bakery.”

“Me too.”

There are no words of wisdom; the list of good ideas to cultivate well-being is half-disintegrated like old prayer flags whipping in storm winds.

Who is this dark sorrow and what does she want with me?

Keeping her company while facing my shrine. A box of tissues nearby.

A little inner mantra: Relax. Accept. And a gentle third: Unwind.

Unwind equals prayer. Pray to unwind. Unwind to pray.

Prayer is coming to trust that the source of healing, the blessing, is already here.

Un-wind.

At least there’s that.

Just keep going.

No feeling is final.

The dark guest stays nearby as I go out into the day, and I don’t need her to change.

Relax.

Accept.

Unwind.

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Want to sample a Sunday session? Click these links

Recording of the meditation on Sunday May 3: Self-forgiveness-leg in a trap, remembering happiness

Part 1 - introduction

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/cw6szat199hnf8lzvcbbk/REC-Sun-leg-trap-happiness-pt1_3may26.m4a?rlkey=6e0jldnmefzdvt0arf50nxy51&st=8d7hcjja&dl=0

Part 2 – guided meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/3ohcy6zfw0sg7nzqobt1a/REC-Sun-leg-trap-happy-pt2_3may26.m4a?rlkey=bq2xc24n3h08c32vb1t9shu9u&st=1gufst4o&dl=0

Available for you

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Free Guided Meditation

Handshake

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/hfdcazs6ggif4u3mw45u2/REC-Sun-Handshake-pt2_15mar26.m4a?rlkey=oxjiwjdp0alvkyfw15vqy9lvn&st=85ilajv3&dl=0

Online Seminar in June - July

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Before you can live, a part of you has to die.

You have to let go of what could have been,

how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently.

You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences,

opinions of others at that moment in time,

or outcomes from their choices or yours.

When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand

the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others.

From this point, you will finally be free.

–Shannon L. Alder

Sometimes a quote really hits me—and suddenly everything becomes clear. One of those is Shannon Alder’s, which captures the missing link on self-forgiveness. I’m reading it every day.

And this insight from Ram Dass helps motivate my journey:
“You can’t build joy on a feeling of self-loathing.”

I come back to it often.

Because at times I’ve wondered: if I let go of my guilt and self-judgment, what would be left? Who would I be then?

Even though this anxious, self-absorbed part of myself brings suffering, I still forget—again and again—that it isn’t who I truly am.

At the core of my being, there is a basic goodness. It’s naturally joyful—open, light, and deeply loving. It isn’t weighed down by thoughts, beliefs, or stories of guilt and anger.

Like a vast sky, it remains untouched and free.

These teachings about our natural state are inspiring. And yet, part of me resists. Part of me still believes they don’t apply to me.

On my path, I imagine this joyful state as something in the future—a version of myself I’ll eventually become. After enough meditation, enough retreats, enough effort, I’ll finally be worthy of love. Worthy of freedom.

But the masters smile when we refer to this as an “end point.”

Because the truth is simpler—and more confronting: What we’re seeking is already here.

Yet we keep pushing it away, as if we owe loyalty to our limitations and mistakes, our sense of unworthiness.

We build walls around our hearts that make us miserable—but at least they’re familiar. They give us something to hold onto, someone to blame—even if it’s ourselves. So instead of getting free, we stay busy redecorating our prison cell.

Every now and then, though, something breaks through: a glimpse of a different way of being. A quiet, radiant happiness. A love totally untouched by suffering.

Freedom doesn’t come from improving the prison; it becomes possible when we stop believing we have to stay there.

I’ve spent years studying and teaching about death—about the opportunity it holds. Tibetan Buddhist teachings describe that when the ego-thinking-mind falls away, there is a dawning of a vast and limitless loving clarity—the direct experience of our true nature.

And I’ve caught myself thinking:
“When I die, I’ll finally be free. That’s when I’ll become my true self—limitless, loving, and at ease.”

Oh dear.

There’s one little problem.

The teachings also say: the state of mind we have now is the one we will experience at death.

So, what are we practicing, right now?

As Alder reminds us:
“Before you can live, part of you has to die.”

That “death” isn’t physical—it’s the willingness to release what we’ve been holding onto. To stop clinging to our past, our guilt, our stories. To simply let them fall away.

Only then can we truly live.

As Patrick Gaffney said, “At some point, we have to stop identifying with our weaknesses and shift our loyalty to our true nature.”

So the real question becomes:

When will we make that shift?

Why not now?

Maybe you can understand that this journey of self-compassion isn’t optional—it’s essential.

Loving, accepting, and forgiving ourselves (and others) is what dissolves the prison walls.

When we give up the heaviness of blame and guilt, what we are left with isn’t something new.

It’s been here all along:
a quiet ease,
an openness and natural joy,
and a flow of immense and all-embracing love.

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Share

Stay connected - I’m very grateful you’re here, and it’s a great support if you click like or “share”. Feel free to write a comment.

A deeper dive

Open Meditations

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Online Seminar in June

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Free Guided Meditation

Self forgiveness – leg in a trap

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/2md7d6f85m5ufbjt1n12x/GM-self-forgiveness-leg-in-trap-16apr25.pdf?rlkey=9dhs99dodc7msojm96pm6v1c5&dl=0

Español – Self-forgiveness – leg in a trap

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/e8hxy1jsotzk0uk09o0fx/Self-forgiveness-leg-caught-in-trap.-Spanish..m4a?rlkey=kj0ebpkjftwr1itjfxuf0tuqy&dl=0

Other Resources

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Subscribe now

When personal guilt in relation to a past event becomes a continuous cloud over your life, then you are locked in a mental prison. You have become your own jailer. While you should not erase your responsibility for the past, when you make the past your jailer, you destroy your future.

It is such a great moment of liberation when you learn to forgive yourself, let the burden go, and walk out into a new path of promise and possibility. Self-compassion is a wonderful gift to give yourself.

– John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes

Forgiving myself has been one of the hardest aspects of this journey. For a long time, I was aware that being unable to forgive was connected to not being able to feel compassion for myself. But I didn’t understand what was missing – what I desperately needed to know, and how to make deep and lasting changes.

There are some essential and valuable insights that make self-forgiveness possible. I want to share them because they’ve helped me immensely.

We’ll begin by exploring what self-forgiveness means and the common obstacles we face.

So, what do we mean by “self-forgiveness”?

It is finding the courage to, once and for all:

• Free ourselves from unrealistic expectations and a harsh self-image

• Heal our wounds with understanding and mercy

• Take responsibility, make amends where we can, and then let the story go

• Learn to trust and relax in our natural state—inherent goodness

It’s not enough, is it, to just understand that forgiving oneself might be a good idea? Thoughts alone don’t dispel the fixed beliefs that imprison our inner misery. Yes, we need to open our mind by gaining a new understanding of the predicament; what I call “a few good reasons for letting yourself off the hook”.

And at the same time, we also need to change our feelings by repeatedly doing the meditations that help create new neural pathways.

Many of us feel permanently “on the hook,” as if we are defined by a black mark or are somehow permanently damaged. However—it is possible to get off that hook—and we can do that right now, or gradually.

After decades of teaching, I’ve seen strong evidence that these insights and methods work. For example, a friend once brought his middle-aged mother to a weekend seminar on self-forgiveness. At the end, she came to me in tears and said:

“I’ve spent most of my life beating myself up for my mistakes—especially for how I raised my children while struggling with alcohol addiction. I believed I was going to carry this terrible guilt to my grave. But now I see that I can forgive myself. I feel a sense of freedom I never thought possible. It’s as if I’m beginning a new life.”

While our backgrounds differ, the obstacles to self-forgiveness are surprisingly universal.

You may believe, as I did, that you are uniquely flawed—doomed to forever be a “black mark”; and while others might deserve forgiveness, you don’t.

Or, you’re holding yourself to impossibly high standards, such as: “I must get everything perfect before I can deserve love”.

Or perhaps: “I should always be kind, and never selfish or harmful”

These expectations set us up to fail—and when we do, our inner critic delivers a constant stream of harsh judgment.

Perhaps the most painful: “I am stuck with what I’ve done, and nothing can change it.”

Staying stuck is not why we are here.

Maybe you didn’t hear it the first time:

“Staying stuck is not why we’re here.”

Guilt, regret, and shame: understanding the difference

If you are human, with a conscience, you’ll have done things that make you feel guilty. Many of us—especially parents—are haunted by guilt over the myriad things that we did or failed to do or were simply unable to do. I used to imagine that guilt was every parent’s secret middle name.

And, after someone we love has died, many of us find ourselves replaying our mistakes and failures which endlessly fuels heavy feelings of guilt. This unresolved break in the relationship inhibits our ability to heal and integrate our grief.

Guilt is paralyzing. It traps us in a cycle of reliving the past and reinforces the belief that we are hopeless and helpless. This cycle can last for years, even decades.

Shame can be even more deeply rooted. While guilt says, “What I did was wrong;” shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”

Unlike guilt, shame can arise from our actions, from what others have said, or from experiences of adversity when we were young. For example, children who experience neglect or harm often conclude that they themselves are to blame and are therefore “bad.” Unwittingly, we reify these beliefs into a fixed lifelong identity which seems to be true.

No wonder we feel unforgivable!

It’s like a dungeon we’ve created. The way out of this inner prison is to let the feelings of guilt or shame flow into a sense of regret. Regret is healthy—it restores our sense of agency. Rather than reifying our unworthiness, with regret, we acknowledge what happened, make repairs where possible, and move forward in a new direction.

This is how we dispel chronic guilt. Doing so reconnects us with a deeper source of love: the essence love that’s at the core of our being.

Essence love is a sense of okayness, the ease and confidence of knowing we are beloved, no matter what. The natural peace and fundamental well-being of essence love is the truth of who we are. And once we’ve reclaimed that, it’s possible to move toward the all-embracing love and vast openness of our natural state.

One of the meditations on self-forgiveness is called “mercy”, which is based on the understanding that no matter what’s happened, we are seen, accepted and loved, just as we are. As Richard Rohr said,

My dear friend Anne described her experience:

“Like the Prodigal Son, I felt exiled for years, always longing to come home. Through regularly listening to your meditations over a period of weeks, I realized that coming home doesn’t require getting everything right. The deeper truth lies beyond right and wrong. I only need to recognize that I am already loved, just as I am. In the end, it’s not about forgiving myself—it’s about being willing to receive the love that has always been here, waiting for me with open arms.”

Stay connected - I’m grateful you’re here, and it’s a great support when you click like or “share”. Feel free to write a comment.

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A deeper dive

Open Meditations

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion Meditation on Sundays – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Online Seminar in June

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Free Guided Meditation

Self-forgiveness – Mercy

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ll3q9g3szn3m6ppu6tmz1/REC-Sun-self-forgive-Mercy-pt2_24agu25.m4a?rlkey=kasc5kyw9wxj9n4l12k525s62&dl=0

Deutsch Self-forgiveness

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hmhu0k9ftefkuyv/GM%20D%20Self%20forgiveness%208nov20.mp3?dl=0

Español Perdonarse a sí mismo

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/vxjnhabbiy1js6hgzljwf/Self-forgiveness-Mercy.-Practice.-CL.-SP..m4a?rlkey=xmwib8glf5j9r189s0q1kty3l&dl=0

Other Resources

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

“It is difficult to realize actually how desperately we need love. You inhabit your life, you seem to be in control. . . . From the outside, you seem to be managing very well.

Because you present this face to the world, no-one suspects that you havea different ‘inner body’ called the heart—which can do nothing for itself, if it is not loved. . .

If our hearts were outside our bodies, we would see them as crippled bodies which transform into ballet dancers under the gaze, and in the embrace, of love. . .

Like someone who has been lost for years in a forgotten place, you rejoice in being found.

—John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes

Visiting my father and stepmother as an adult, I noticed something small but meaningful: whenever one made a request to the other, they began with the word “sweetie.”

Years later, a dear friend often called me sweetie, and I began noticing the effect—it softened something in my heart. Over time, the word became part of my own vocabulary.

Living with two chronic, debilitating illnesses, I already face many challenges just to get through each day. A recent move has added weeks of stress and extra demands, leaving me feeling unmoored and anxious.

Then, because of persistent back pain from a surgery years ago, I decided to buy a simple robot floor cleaner instead of a traditional vacuum. The app asked me to give it a name, and playfully, I decided to call it “sweetie.”

Not knowing that a program always needs to start at the charging dock, I placed the cleaner in the middle of the kitchen with the door closed, expecting it to clean just that room. Thirty seconds later, the app sent me a message:

“sweetie needs help; sweetie was unable to find its way home.”

I felt unexpectedly moved. I almost cried.

In that moment, sweetie felt like my own heart—lost, needing help, trying to find its way home. And it was up to me to bring her back.

That’s self-compassion.

To understand what self-compassion is, it’s helpful to see why it’s so deeply needed—especially now.

On some level, many of us still carry a pervasive sense of unworthiness. Unworthy of love. Unworthy of forgiveness. Unworthy of happiness.

So, we fall into patterns of self-blame—not just feeling guilty, but unforgivable. We turn against ourselves, throwing spears of harsh judgment, and keeping ourselves small.

We’re convinced that we don’t deserve love or belonging. We believe we should suffer. And so, we lock our dear heart away in a dungeon and throw away the key.

Sometimes we hear teachings that say at our core, our innermost essence is “Buddha nature,” a spark of the divine—an innate goodness and purity that is always present. Our natural state is free, open, and untouched by emotions or fears—or anything that’s happened in our life.

And yet, our first reaction is,

“Not me. If you really knew what I’ve done, you wouldn’t say that.”

Even if by luck we catch a glimpse of that inner freedom, we quickly retreat back into our familiar prison of guilt and blame—as if that is the “home” where we belong.

Then every struggle, every mistake, every failure becomes more evidence of our badness. We add these to our prison sentence, deepening the spiral.

In the coming weeks, I’ll explore self-forgiveness even more—and demonstrate why it’s the cornerstone of genuine compassion, both for ourselves and for others.

For now, just pause.

Take a moment to turn toward that tender place within.

Shine a light into the dark dungeon where your heart’s been hidden.

Sweetie needs help. Sweetie is unable to find its way home.

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Leave a comment

A deeper dive

Open Meditations

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

Online Seminar in June

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

Free Guided Meditation

Healing Warmth of Love

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/7n7j1hwz4ou6uvyt1gs5e/REC-Sun-Healing-warmth-love_pt2_13apr25.mp4?rlkey=hs9facv0k5ep89sgzpeeb78ue&dl=0

Deutsch Die Heilende Waerme der liebe

https://www.dropbox.com/s/lfdtg9hm0gxyg0k/GM%20D%20Die%20Heilende%20Waerme%20der%20Liebe.mp3?dl=0

Español Healing warmth of love

https://www.dropbox.com/s/m1agtpxt3qlfjia/Healing%20warmth%20of%20love.%20%20CL.%20%20SP..m4a?dl=0

Other Resources

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

Love the one in you who is sad.

Love the one in you who is scared.

Love the one in you who is angry.

Love the one in you who is lonely.

Love the one in you who hates herself.

Love all the ones who you are,

And then you will know

How to love the world.

—Elizabeth Gilbert

The secret to peace is acceptance—the felt sense that we can allow anything and everything within us to unfold with kindness and equanimity.

At the heart of self-compassion is the willingness to accept and befriend our feelings—yes, all of them—with tenderness.

“Befriending” is such a beautiful word.
We know what it means to befriend a new colleague, or a neighbor. We offer a warm smile, friendliness, and openness.

And yet, we so rarely extend that same kindness toward ourselves.

Instead, day after day, we judge ourselves harshly. It’s like throwing spears—again and again.
How many spears do you throw in a single day? In a month? Over a lifetime?

Judging is being unkind.

Whether directed at ourselves or others, judging only strengthens the walls of our dark inner dungeon.

Not judging is kindness.

Accepting—allowing our natural feelings—is kindness.

Years ago, I found myself asking a simple question:

What would give me the courage to truly see—and befriend—the parts of myself I resist?

Those parts are like long-forgotten “inner orphans”—the feelings and thoughts that make me cringe.

That question led me to develop a self-compassion practice I call Tender-Hearted Awareness.

It includes three simple aspects of posture that help ground the body while inviting openness, courage, and a gentle acceptance of whatever arises.

Our right hand, which is connected to the groundedness and security of the earth.

Our body, which has become totally empty and clear, like a vast sky.

And our left hand, connected to the tender-hearted awareness at the core of our being.

Lightly keeping our attention on the open palm of our left hand, we gently allow every feeling or thought to land there and be held with kindness.

Every feeling. Every thought. Every memory, every disturbance in our being.

Allowing is kindness.

Accepting is kindness.

In that acceptance is a love, pure and tender. In the light of this love, these formerly rejected aspect of ourselves slowly relax and are freed. Naturally freed, by themselves, in their own time.

Of course, there are some things that are harder to accept. When these feelings or memories arise, we can lightly touch on them, and then bring our attention to our right hand, secure and grounded, connected with the earth. Or, focus on the clear skylike image for our body and mind.

We patiently wait, allow, and listen.

This results in feeling compassion for ourselves. For every part of ourselves. Compassion in fact for our entire life.

It’s a journey of acceptance, kindness and healing. And the journey results in our re-connecting with essence love, the fundamental sense of okayness we were born with.

A gentle ease, a flow—the source of real peace.

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A deeper dive

In today’s Open Sunday Meditation (April 12), I will introduce and guide the meditation “Tender hearted awareness” for befriending ourselves. I hope you can join us! Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Free Guided Meditation download

Tender-Hearted Awareness - befriending

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/h7zq4g6cubkaaudsccsz7/REC-Sun-Tender-heart-befriending-pt-2_11may25.mp4?rlkey=ppkhj5r73zq4anjk2afqbwtcj&dl=0

Online Seminar in June:

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

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As a warrior without aggression,

you are fearless and good.

Fundamentally,

you can never make a mistake,

so please cheer up.

Even in the darkest of the dark age,

there is always light.

That light comes with a smile,

the smile of fearlessness,

the smile of realizing the best

of the best of human potential.

All the teachings, the very heart’s blood

of the warrior tradition, are yours.

We are all part of the same human family.

Let us smile and cry together!

–Chögyam Trungpa, Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery

Is there one best definition of compassion? Is it the active wish to relieve suffering? Is it a feeling of warmth and care? Or is it the quiet, non-judgmental presence we offer to someone who is struggling?

Of course, it is all of these.

Compassion includes the willingness to deeply understand another person and the openness to be present with what is difficult.

Compassion is strength, too—as it requires courage.

To be truly compassionate, we must be willing to face suffering—our own and that of others—without turning away. This can feel daunting. Much of the time, we avoid doing so for fear of being overwhelmed.

I’ve been searching for a word or short phrase that can help me get my heart in the right place–so it can be open, tender and caring and yet not so vulnerable that one feels powerless.

What I found was this:
Mercy.

That’s my reminder now, when I think of friends I know who are struggling; or, while encountering people during the day.

My heart is in the right place when I light it up with “mercy”.

Traditionally, mercy is associated with forgiveness—a pardon that’s freely given. It is the willingness to forgive ourselves and others for being human: imperfect, shaped by causes and conditions, and often living out patterns formed in earlier experiences of adversity.

But more than just forgiveness; mercy is acceptance. Mercy is seeing and accepting the whole predicament with love.

Mercy is a quiet strength—the capacity to remain open in the presence of pain. It carries a sense of unconditional acceptance, free from superiority or judgment.

Mercy is a luminous, all-embracing heart that does not leave anyone out.

In this way, mercy connects us with something deeper—what we might call the awakened heart, our core of fundamental goodness; the “divine spark” within.

It is how great spiritual teachers—whether Jesus Christ, Gautama Buddha, or others—might regard us: not as flawed beings to be judged, but as human beings to be met with tender understanding.

Does mercy wish to free others from suffering?
Does a mother wish to relieve the pain of her child? With mercy, she might long to take the pain on herself so her child could be free.

As Reinhold Niebuhr wrote,

“Mercy is the highest form of love.”

In the end, mercy allows us to meet life as it is—and remain open.

Perhaps this is the heart of the path: learning to meet ourselves, our lives, and all beings with mercy, again and again.

In that meeting, nothing within us needs to be turned away. With mercy, something deep within begins softening.

Like a gentle balm of peace, it’s mercy that brings us home—to ourselves, to each other, and to life as it is.

Leave a comment

A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Free Guided Meditation

Cultivating Compassion for our mother

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/6x2622bxvj894pvkzhvku/REC-Sun-Compassion-mother-pt-2_27jul25.mp4?rlkey=b1r4erlo78c0q866c41rq1fsp&dl=0

Online Seminar in June:

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker

It is not simply with your eyes

but with your mind

that you see the world.

So much depends on your mind:

How you see yourself,

who you think you are,

how you see others,

what you think the meaning of life is...

Your mind is your greatest treasure.

We become so taken up with the world,

with having – and doing – more and more,

we come to ignore who we are

and forget what we see the world with.

The most powerful way to change your life

is to change your mind.

–John O’Donohue

Previously, I wrote about skills that help us handle suffering; these in fact are essential skills that build resilience. They are:

-Learning to meet and accept our natural experience.
-Becoming a source of kindness and delight.
-Understanding the origins of our emotional patterns and healing them with compassion.
-Supporting and being supported through connection and community.

What does this second skill mean – becoming a source of kindness and delight?

In the pandemic lockdown years, we were all feeling pretty low.
I know, that’s an understatement.

During that time, my dental hygienist, knowing I was a meditation teacher, asked me what advice would I give people during these dark times which seem so endless?

I replied, “Remember that what you see in the news is not reality. It’s just a small part of reality, and if you immerse yourself in the news this will narrow your view and hinder your capacity for happiness. The news is not reality. All around you are people showing kindness, golden leaves falling (or pink buds opening), children playing, birds singing, and the soft golden light in the sky before sunrise.

“When we walk outside, we can ask the universe to show us ‘proofs of love’ – and surprisingly, we will notice and appreciate more and more moments of connection and delight. Paying attention and savoring with aliveness eventually results in a stable happiness, gratitude – and even joy.

“And resolve each day to be a source of kindness and delight for others. Making eye contact with a cashier, giving an offering to a beggar, expressing a genuine thank you, or even a little happy dance before sitting at a café. When we spark a smile or a light within other’s hearts – this carries forward into their day and their relationships. We’ve become a gentle force of goodness in the world.”

Rebbe Nachmann emphasized that on the contemplative path, one should never succumb to despair. Even if you’re pretending, he says, when you get home pick up a towel and dance around the kitchen! Yes, dance, with abandon! That’s part of your practice. Smile, compliment others, and pretend to be happy, and eventually you will feel happy again!

The mystic Julian of Norwich lived like a hermit in the Middle Ages contemplating on the love of God. during periods of plague and war and strife. She advises, during dark times in the world, that we practice gratefulness – to fully savor and enjoy life.

She wasn’t advising us to sweep life’s sufferings under the carpet; but to pull our head out of the mud – because when we’re busy reifying life’s vicissitudes, we can feel hopeless and disconnected.

Practicing goodness, she said, brings the light of God’s goodness in our heart and into the world. That’s where we have power, and agency.

Try and notice each day if you can give a little time to accepting your natural experience with loving compassion.

And - have fun with this - try to find little opportunities – maybe two or three every day, to be a source of kindness and delight. The wonderful thing is, creating moments of kindness or delight really doesn’t take any time.

We’re gaining clarity about how we want to use our mind and heart – and getting our smile back.

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A deeper dive

You’re warmly invited to join the Open Self-compassion meditation each Sunday – it’s free. Write for the zoom link: cclongaker@protonmail.com

“Joy, Ease and Self-forgiveness” - an album of guided meditations.

“Facing Death and Finding Hope” , my first book, published in 8 languages.

Free Guided Meditation

Gratitude for Your Body

https://www.dropbox.com/s/e7vztrhw6u5mbyv/14%20Gratitude%20for%20Your%20Body.mp3?dl=0

Online Seminar in June:

Self-Forgiveness in the Light of Compassion

© 2026 photo, text and recording: Christine Longaker