True enough I had a nightmare this afternoon as I took my Sunday nap. I feel so sad about it because recently Perez had a near death experience and found Jesus and declared it on his YouTube channel. And then he got attacked by the evil one. It's the first time I've seen someone possessed ever.

I won't talk about it anymore to other people but if ever you get curious, please do not watch the video. I will say a prayer for Perez later that he will be saved.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.

Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.

May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do Thou, o Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast unto hell Satan and all the evil spirits that prowl about the earth seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

And now I do the same. I can’t travel without at least three pieces.

When my mom got sick and was unable to shop, I thought of her as I walked around the mall, wishing she could walk again and enjoy what she loved the most.

My mom’s last month on earth was spent at St. Luke’s hospital: one week in, one day home. Next week in, one day home. My mom got depressed as she was going in and out of the hospital battling all sorts of complications from cancer.

I, too, felt sad. I missed going to work, going to the gym. I would sit there while she slept on a hospital bed, scrolling my phone.

One day I saw that Louis Vuitton had dropped the Pharrell and Nigo bag I had been waiting for. I messaged my sales assistant, Aaliyah, who confirmed that they had one piece at Greenbelt 3.

Feeling a bit guilty, I went out to purchase the bag as I had not shopped in a while.

I used the bag daily until one day, I heard laughter as I arrived at the hospital.

I was surprised to see my mom sitting up in bed, laughing with my sister-in-law and brother who had just arrived from the US.

When my mom saw me, she asked about the bag.

“What’s that bag?” she said.

“It’s new from Louis Vuitton.”

“Maganda,” my mom said admiringly.

I was surprised because my mom and I have very different tastes.

It’s a sadness bag, I thought in my head. I bought it because I was sad.

Little did I know, my mom was on her death rally—that sudden burst of life and energy the terminally ill experience before they die.

My mom got discharged the next day and I dropped by after Sunday lunch with my family.

My mom, who was 5’4”, had shrunk to 101 lbs. She looked so frail and white, sleeping on the couch while Karen Davila’s YouTube channel played in the background.

I went to her and covered her skeletal legs with a thin blanket. I kissed her cheek and held her hand. She opened her eyes and smiled.

“I brought you the snake plants from Muji that I told you about. They are natural air cleaners.”

“Thank you,” my mom smiled. “Ang ganda.”

She looked so tired, so I went home said goodbye. It was the last time I saw her smile.

My mom died 16 days later after a brave battle with cancer.

Had I known, I would have stayed longer. Among all the things, that is the one I regret the most.

And so a group of us went. I thought I would stay for ten minutes but ended up staying for more than an hour.

It is the biggest house in Metro Manila. I have been there only a couple of times.

A friend of ours made sure someone met us at the door to escort us inside. On our way to there, we received texts that the place was packed. But when we got there, it was actually comfortable. There were many places to sit. Even though the house was full of VIPs, everybody was chill and pleasant.

We were welcomed by Sam, one of her closest friends, and Sam was smiling. My group was at first hesitant to approach the casket, but Sam said, go. And so we went.

Everyone, the room, kind of faded while I looked at her in the coffin. She was stunning, in a black turtleneck dress Inno Sotto had made up for her in one day. The makeup by Lala Flores was flawless. I had never seen her so beautiful because in real life, she rarely wore makeup.

I started praying for her—Our Father, Hail Mary, and in my head just saying thank you. I could not take my eyes off her. It was as if she were breathing. I could’ve stared at her longer, but I thought people might be waiting for their turn.

I had seen so many dead people before, but this was different. It felt so pleasant and peaceful.

Later on, my friend took me to meet her sister and son. I didn’t expect to see her son or talk to him because I thought he would be busy. But he saw me and said thank you. I found myself unable to say a word. What do you say to someone who just lost a mom who lived for him. He was the wallpaper on her phone when he was younger.

But what I wanted to tell him was, she’s so beautiful. That’s what I would’ve said, if only my mouth would open. She was loved till the very end. It was so obvious.

I’m so glad I came. I had social anxiety but it was unfounded. It was really a room full of good energy and lots of food, which is the way she would’ve wanted.

She died on New Year’s day during Covid. But she didn’t die from Covid, she died from complications of diabetes. She was 42.

We didn’t get to say goodbye because months before I thought she had a personality change. I felt she was distancing herself from me, and I wondered if I had done something wrong. I never confronted her. Now I think she had been feeling ill and not telling anyone.

It was Covid time and I think she was afraid to go to the hospital until it was too late.

It’s almost three years and I still feel the loss. We had our good times and a lot of bad times. It was not easy being her friend because she had mood swings and was very outspoken. A lot of people didn’t like her, but there was something about her that was very unique. She was funny, she had a nose for what’s new. We shared the same views on many things. She was loads of fun. She used to check on me anytime she sensed something was wrong.

I have many friends who are all good, but none who has quite the same humor and intelligence and I guess what I really liked about her, she just checked on me a lot.

How I wish I had that kind of friend again.

I wonder how her mom is, I’m sure she is taking it harder than me because they were so close. But last time I checked on her mom, she said she was not OK and she was upset. So I’m scared to check again.

And so this post is dedicated to anyone who is reading and missing someone who has died—whether a parent, a child, a friend, a lover, a spouse, a grandmother...

We all live on earth and yet there’s someone who has passed on. We’re still connected by an invisible thread we feel in our head, our brows, our eyes, our throats. And it hurts but we go on. We can distract ourselves, we can eat ice cream or pound on our keyboard or take a nap or take a cold shower until the feeling has passed.

I have so many thoughts on these lonely couple of nights before Christmas. I do hope you’re doing much better.

Mine started out really well, I thought. I started a new business and met new people. And then something unexpected happened. It started out great and ended badly.

I experienced a lot of anxiety leading to my son getting sick and then leaving for Singapore for training. So the fear was just in my head because it turned out really well for him and he will be home next month.

It is now June 16th and we are experiencing the worst heat in Manila in my whole life. It’s the first time I’ve thought about moving to another country, but I’m too loyal to this place. So many people depend on me here and I’ve always believed in that bible verse that says, “For none of us lives for ourselves alone.”

After I dropped off Ben in Singapore last May, I came home and started to work on a new project and traveled to Taiwan. After one month I started feeling bad again, I just had to go back to Singapore to see my son.

I’m back in Manila again where it is still hot. Although I have two kids at home, I’m pretty much alone at night. I go to work, I train, I’m alone. I started watching junk on YouTube to quiet the thoughts in my head. Until one night I decided to invite friends to dinner. I had missed some social interaction. I had spent so much time alone just passing time I forgot to live.

So we had dinner last night and ended up at home talking until 2:30 in the morning.

It seems like people have gotten used to the company of their gadgets, that we’ve forgotten to seek human contact. So now, I just have to remind myself to initiate contact and it turns out so many of my friends want to hang out too.

They reminded me last night how much I can look forward to the rest of 2024.

In my lonesome-ness I forgot about the trips I have lined up and the many projects I am working on. There’s really a lot to look forward to. I should just focus on those.

P.S. I really envy people who like being alone and can thrive being alone. I personally am not a loner. I thrive around people. We don’t even have to talk or do anything. Just the fact that there’s someone with me who I like is enough. Someone told me rudely to just get a dog. I have a dog, but I prefer humans.

If you like being alone, that’s great. But please don’t judge people who prefer company.

Since 2008, I’ve had some friends of mine dying so young, from 36 years old to 50s: Chelo, Penny, Grace, Joey, and now Victor.

It’s funny but when I get the call that someone close to me has died, I feel OK. I feel energized. Then sometime at night when I’m all alone it will hit me. Grace is gone. Victor is gone. And I feel a certain sadness.

I cry a little. Then fear sets in. What if their ghost is in the room? Watching me in bed or brushing my teeth. Then there’s the fear of what if I die suddenly? Good thing I went to the doctor. I don’t want to die because of my kids.

The thing is, there have been so many instances in my life where I’ve messed up or experienced a particularly painful heartbreak and I would be lying in bed asking to die. And that’s exactly when I will not die.

I’ve also been in situations where I really think I’m dying. And that’s when I’m begging God, please spare me. I don’t want to die.

Victor’s death has made me think of what really matters: health, family, love. I have all of it. If I were to continue: wealth, purpose, work, passion, youth, beauty, a loving relationship—those would be the extras.

It’s gloomy today and I have only a short time to write because my technician is here. I’ve been asked to DJ at my friend’s wake. He loved to entertain and party.

I have to go and I have to run to the salon and everything. I’ll be doing that with a certain sadness. I wish you all a good day.

It started with a family problem and an online bullying that led me to a really dark place. If ever you have read about people who felt like dying or suicide while going through online bullying, that was me.

I had no choice but to go to court because the blogger wouldn’t take down her post while commenters bashed me, my family, everything. I could not escape it. Even when I traveled people would send me email and text about it.

Ten years later, this week, I received news that I had lost the case. I spent a few million fighting her and it took so many years. That’s why I really don’t recommend going to court. But faced with my mental state at that time, I just had to.

For me it was a life and death situation. I had to fight for my life because at that time I really didn’t know how to get out of the dark place.

Ten years later, I’m in a much better place. My marriage also ended but I lost so much weight and got into fitness. I learned how to DJ. I took over the business and love going to work. I’m very close to my children. I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings. I have so many friends and a strong support system.

I’ve also learned to keep my nose clean and a low profile online. I supposed what led to all this was in 2014 I was a really popular blogger with a strong opinion and lots of advertising. One cannot help but have a lot of haters.

So now I would rather have no advertisers and be more anonymous.

I write this with a bittersweet feeling. I feel sad, sleepy, and exhausted writing this, but I want to put this behind me.

I also want to thank the following people who went with me to court and supported me: Dinna, Tina, Keri, Patty, and Penny (who is now gone). Thank you Patrice and Ana.

Thank you also to the lawyers who accepted my case, Atty. Matthew and Karl from Fortun, Narvasa, Salazar.

The court decided I was not immune from bashing because I was considered a public figure—as if public figures have no feelings.

As for the person who did this to me, I know that my life is much better after ten years. Even though I lost in court, I win in other things.

I don’t want to be mean so I won’t write it here.

Luckily I had a gym appointment. So I picked myself up, met my trainer, and two hours later, sent a goodbye text.

Nine months later, I had healed myself by starting new projects I am quite proud of. I traveled to five different cities. I made new friends. I enjoyed my kids. And I worked on myself—physically and emotionally.

Then earlier this year, the guy creeped back into my life. Let’s just say he knocked on the door, I opened it slightly and he kicked it open. I guess I wanted to see if things had changed, but a few days ago, he said the most painful words. This time, he called me “delusional”.

Finally I had the guts to block him. As Diana Ross said, “it’s gonna hurt for a little while.” LOL. But I’m gonna be OK. I’m still a lucky person. I’m still a winner. I’m a much better person than I was six years ago.

But is he?

At one point I told my Lola I was probably destined to be poor, so she told my Dad who secretly deposited money in my account, I think it was for my self esteem.

The money lasted for a year. After that I decided to get a job. I mailed résumés to two of the leading newspapers at the time—Daily Globe and Manila Chronicle.

Daily Globe hired me as a researcher, the bottomest position (I think) or starting point in the newspaper. My salary would be Php 4,000/month (less taxes).

When I received my shift—3 to 11 PM, I started crying. My dad saw me and told me, “Don’t work na lang. I’ll support you my entire life.”

I stopped crying. Right there and then, I decided that no, I have to work. But I was able to change my shift from 10 am to 6 PM. My whole stint at the newspaper was wonderful. But that is entirely another story.

I’m writing this because my son is going to work in Singapore for 2.5 months starting in April and I’m already crying. Last night I was looking at places to stay, carefully looking for ones with a washer and dryer and a cleaning service.

***

In the middle of my newspaper stint, I decided to apply to Parsons School of Design in New York and got accepted. I lived in New York for four years, where I learned to commute, do laundry and dishes, pay bills, and live by myself.

These are the things I want my son to learn. He will find out what it’s like to go home to a dark place, clean up after himself (hopefully) and make sure everything is off when he leaves. For sure he will come home with a Singaporean accent. He will make new friends, discover new dishes and know Singapore like a local.

My son is 22, but in my head he is always two years old, holding my hand, sitting on my lap. I love him so much. It’s so hard to let go. I wonder how other parents do it, letting their children study abroad, some never to go back.

Ben is only going for 2.5 months and although he is very excited, I wish I could tell him, “Don’t go na lang. I’ll support you my entire life.”

But I know I have to let go, just like my Dad let me live in New York for four years.

The people who offered Ben a job—actually my Singapore business partners—are so kind. Ben really like them and I know he will learn a lot from them.

I will probably go nuts, but it will also be a lesson for me. Only good can come out of it. Wish us luck!

I decided to buy a really big TV and hung it up on the wall. I didn’t touch it for a long time. I literally had to train myself to watch TV again. I found myself watching The Golden Bachelor and Past Lives.

Last year, I went through a period of darkness. I found out that if I had a massage with YouTube on the background, it calmed me down.

I stumbled upon a new genre I hadn’t seen before. Basically YouTube channels featuring showbiz personalities from back in the day. The channels belong to professional interviewers like Julius Babao and Aster Amoyo. I found myself binge-watching the episodes, about celebrities who were once young and good-looking, who are now old and broke.

I suppose it’s like watching a horror movie (please don’t bash me). Like you’re watching something scary but it’s not real, it’s only a movie. Seeing how their lives unfolded made me grateful for what I have now.

I didn’t have an easy time growing up. I always felt insecure and not enough. I still do, but now I realize I have what most people want, even if I don’t have everything.

My takeaway is, all these young people earning so much money too early in life—it’s not good. They think that money and fame will last forever. It doesn’t. I think it’s better to struggle making money and enjoy it when you’re older.

Also, I should be grateful.

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