This transmission is to clear any limitations around being seen and heard, taking up space and being able to put our creative ideas…

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There is a lot of energy here in this transmission so enjoy it and ground ground ground.

Citadel x

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So I sat down to do my journaling and asked myself, what IS an attention seeker?

Someone who wants attention.
Wants to be seen.
Wants to be heard.
Wants to be noticed
and loved
and adored
and celebrated.

And what is wrong with that? When did wanting these things become something to be shamed over?

In my yoga class later that day the teacher cued a headstand and I intuitively opted for puppy pose. It’s heart and chest opener and woah.. did I bawl. I cried for my inner child who has been told over and over and over again that it’s safer to be nice and good and palatable and normal. I cried that she was never encouraged to take up space. To shine as bright as she could.

We have been putting women down for far too long. Keeping them small. Making them stay in a box. Not letting them get too confident or too shiny, too self assured. And I can’t fucking stand it.

Later I had a chat to her and I said, I don’t think being an attention seeker is a bad thing at all. I love you just the way you are. You don’t need to change anything about you. I think you are incredible.

That’s all.

Citadel

x

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I was giving so much to her out of love, but slowly I became more and more depleted. When I thought I had reached the point of nothing left to give, I drew upon stored resources and found more capacity. Being a mother does that.

After getting full blood work done I also realised that my Iron was incredibly low. Again, going with nothing in the tank.

So in my therapy Brainspotting session we explored my ability to receive and what came through was pretty damn cool.

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Where does it land within you?

How does it make you feel?

What does it invite you to explore?

Do you feel anything moving or releasing within you?

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Enjoy x

Lately I have been given experiences in my life to blatantly show me the value of my sensitivity and the emotionally and energetically attuned parts of me.

No one ever told me that being able to read a room, or a person, or that the depth of my being, or my sensitivity was a strength of mine. No one told me being able to be with other peoples emotions and depth without running was a skill and a gift. I was ridiculed and made fun of, and I have been told over and over into adulthood that I’m “too sensitive”.

I wonder how my sensitivity, my lived experience, my tender nervous system, makes someone else’s life less than what it would be if I were “tough”.

I can’t remember where I saw this, but it was such a cool reframe, so I’m going to share it here.

There was a Mum at the park with her two children. One was naturally outgoing and not overly sensitive. They were climbing and doing some really impressive things. The second child you would call sensitive and cautious. They were going at their own pace much slower and climbing and exploring. A stranger commented that the first child was so brave because of all the things they were doing. The mother responded, “oh no, it’s so easy for them. I see my other child as the brave one. They have to overcome so much inner resistance and stimuli to even take just one step.

And that has stayed wth me.

Neither is wrong, they are just such different experiences of the world. Neither child can change who they are and why should they.

It has taken an incredible amount of inner work to begin to erase and integrate the shame and stories that were imprinted on me and after nearly a decade the tables have began to turn. But for a long time it was hard to see what the positives of being sensitive were. I believed everything people said about it and when it feels very much who you are, you believe you are not enough.

A burden, a weirdo, too deep, weak, wrong, pathetic, I don’t belong, I’m broken..

Now, most of my friends and all my clients are also sensitive or intuitive. We move through the world in the same way and I have found people who see, understand me and would you believe it, even celebrate me.

Over the weekend I found myself in a room full of intuitive, passionate and open minded women. I was sharing a Channeled Activation at the end of a speaking event. I channeled Light Language, Mudras, Singing and energy work. The outpouring of love I received afterwards was heart warming and affirming.

Maybe there was never anything wrong with me. Maybe I was just in the wrong room.

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Thank for being here.

Citadel x

Citadel x

I walked up the stairs and was transported back to that young woman who began practicing yoga once a week on a Saturday morning like many other young women at the time.

Between 2014 and 2020, Yoga, and especially power yoga was having its moment.

I had been meditating on and off for five years but was drawn to yoga from the physical lens. I wanted to stretch out and release the amount of tension my body was carrying.

I remember in those early dates I would do side stretching poses and would have to sit down as nausea would arise in my body. I thought it was the heat and getting woozey, but it was emotion and energy starting to move.

I had so many special moments in those walls. So many tears flowed in yin classes and I found a community. As I connected deeper with yoga my busy mind steadied and then I noticed that my honed ability to observe was taken off the mat into my life.

My body got stronger and more free. I became aware.

I started practicing multiple times a week and then when I began working for myself I got to the mat most days.

My most cherished memories are from Monday night yin and sound. I had a loving and present audience to try out my songs on each week. Every week at 8pm I’d lug my piano up the stairs with Jake and I would play piano, sing and I also began channelling sound with my voice here.

I was valued by the co facilitator Courtney, and encouraged to explore. It became a church for many and people still talk about it with me six years later.

At the time everything felt really new. Spirituality, sound healing, yoga and music together. I started a full moon circle in Manly before everyone really new what it was.

It was the beginning of such a new chapter in my life. I was stepping away from living unconsciously and starting to move through life intuitively and consciously. So much was changing inside me and my outer world was shifting too. I felt wildly out of place in my family and thought I would never feel belonging anywhere again.

Spolier: I did.

Maybe that blog has found its way to where all the lost socks are? Part of me hopes that like those socks, it will never be found. I imagine most of what I wrote was incredibly cringe. But there is another part of me that wants to take that trip down memory lane and laugh and send love to that twenty year old.. gosh she was so hopeful, so bold, so brave.

Since then my life and career have taken some hairpin corners. My health took a dive. A lot of my relationships burned to the ground. My identity shape-shifted and transformed before my eyes. I became a mystic. A lone wolf. Then I found my home again.

I feel like I have many stories within me. Some come out in songs. But many are left unsaid. I feel like this avenue will give them a place to live and breathe.

I look forward to sharing these with you all as I enjoy the process of writing from my heart once more.

Don’t expect a polished article. I haven’t got the time.

Expect…

Adventure/ travel
Healing
Relationships
Spirituality
Parenting/ family life
The mystical
Manifesting

Thanks for being here.

x