I have never fallen in love. Maybe because I am still too young to fall in love, or maybe I am just waiting for the right person. But the only thing I know is that love is an unreal thing. It’s not like it is in the books or movies.

I have never lived through a “everything-he-does-is-fucking-so-cool” moment, or felt something in my heart like that before. I know that just because I haven’t experienced anything doesn’t mean everything is a lie, but it feels so illogical.

I watch rom-coms, listen to love songs, and read some books. I also try to write a romance book, but I’ve never experienced it, and I swear that it’s worse than movies. Also, every love song that I listen to feels so fake and just-a-songs-for-the-yearner-peoples vibe. Yearning feels so unreal too. I don’t know, but I feel like whenever I see a person who is yearning, I think, “you are too young for this” or “you are too old for yearning for your first love.”

I’m not saying that I’m aromantic, but somehow everything—every movie, every song, every book, even every love story—just feels like something that’s well-written. I’m reading something sweet in a book, a beautiful romantic moment, but two seconds later, it turns into an only-happens-in-books moment for me, and the magic immediately disappears.

Maybe love is sweet when the subject is someone else’s story, but when the subject is me, it becomes “why would anyone ever feel this way about me?” Or whenever there’s a moment in a movie that makes my heart ache, it turns into this feeling of “I’ll-never-experience-this.” It’s like, somehow, the problem is just me, or I feel like, eventually, I’ll be the one who ruins everything.

And at the same time, while one part of me thinks “no one-can-love-anyone-this-much,” another part of me thinks I could fall in love only once in my entire life. I’m also scared of loving the wrong person and being doomed to a lifetime of sadness because of it.

It feels like I could genuinely fall in love with someone and go completely crazy over them, but I also think everyone else’s love is fake, or that no one could ever love me. Or maybe I just like romanticizing the idea that love-only-happens-once.

Another one of my excuses is that I don’t know how to show my love. Getting attached feels scary, almost like if I show someone how much I love them, they’ll run away. But who would want to be in a relationship where they feel unloved?

Love is beautiful and terrifying. I’ve never lost anyone, but I’ve never gained anyone either. I’ve never fought to make someone stay. I guess I can only say that I’ve always looked at everyone as something that will end someday anyway.

Maybe it’s real for other people, but for me, right now, it’s just a whole fictional world made of pretty songs and beautifully written stories.

Will my mind change someday? We’ll see.

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Lately, everything had been going well. I was doing Pilates or cardio every day, eating better, and studying sometimes. But there was two problems…

1. I didn’t have any hobbies.

2. Doomscrolling.

I’ve been struggling with it so much lately. I always tell myself, “Okay, I’ll do this, I’ll do that,” but then I end up lying in bed, scrolling for hours.

I don’t feel anything. I don’t do anything. It feels so bad at the end of the day.

Sometimes I want to read a book or watch a series or move, and then I think that if I started reading a book, I wouldn’t stop, and I can’t study or focus on my other duties because whenever I love something, I just focus on it. For instance, I love reading books, and sometimes I read too much in a day. I buy books and start reading them all day. I experience this once, and then suddenly I pull myself back. Or I start watching something, and I just watch it all day. I always love something over…

Because of these reasons, I stopped myself whenever I wanted to do something, and recently, I started doomscrolling instead of reading or watching something.

And now I have terrible screen time. I sleep too late because of scrolling on TikTok, I procrastinate on everything, and a few days ago, I thought about how I can spend my time with books and movies again instead of wasting five and a half hours on TikTok or Instagram.

If I watched just one movie every day, and let’s say an average movie is 1.5 hours long, and I also read for an average of 2.5 hours a day—which is actually pretty realistic because when I start a book, I usually finish it within two days depending on how engaging it is, regardless of the number of pages—I would have 4 hours of my day left for something healthier.

And I know most of us are struggling with this problem, so let’s stop doomscrolling every day and watch series and movies, read books, instead of watching 20-second videos.

Also, doomscrolling causes focusing problems, and sometimes I can’t focus on anything. I get bored easily, and it also ruins my sleep schedule and kills my creativity. At the end of the day, I feel so shitty because I feel so empty.

But watching something like a movie or reading something makes our brain work and pushes us to think. At the same time, it increases creativity very well, and as a result, every movie and every book teaches us something, both culturally and through experience. It also helps us fall asleep more satisfied at the end of the day because we feel that our brain is tired.

Short videos and short attention spans don’t make our brains work enough, so the brain doesn’t get tired and becomes lazy. Because of this, it makes it harder for us to start doing something. But after watching a movie and reading a little during the day, the brain can distinguish between quality and low-quality activities, so it feels satisfied, and this makes it easier for us to start doing something, for example, studying or exercising.

Of course, I’m not going to delete TikTok or Instagram, or try to make them extra useful. I just want to reduce my screen time by making more space for real activities. You can’t just suddenly cut something out completely, and there’s no need to. We just don’t need to go to extremes.

And I promise, starting a new hobby, learning new languages, or just watching something is better than always making that same scrolling movement with your finger.

I had been writing a book for a while, and TikTok literally killed my creativity, to the point that I couldn’t even write it anymore after 250 whole pages (and it was the second draft; I had written 250 pages in the first draft too). I actually caused this myself, and now I can’t continue because I’m stuck. So I think doing a little bit of a screen detox will be good for me in every way. Reading, watching, and writing things again, and at the end of the day, I think I would feel better mentally too.

And if you want to start something, or something crosses your mind, like, “What if I wrote a song?” “Could I dance?” “Would I be good at writing?” or whatever you’re thinking, don’t wait even a second. Take action immediately. Even if it’s a disaster, if you felt good doing it on your first try, there will definitely be more to come.

Every action we take instead of postponing takes us to the next step. For example, today you write the chorus of a song, and the next day, you get excited and continue, and you like it, so you try to sing it. Maybe you mess up while singing the song, and this time, you take a step to improve your own voice. Then you improve your voice, produce it, and publish it, and you end up with something you created yourself.

A new world that came from a tiny spark of inspiration can give you so much. This is just a simple example, so instead of postponing it today, try it.

A few months ago, I was thinking about whether I should start writing on Substack, and if I had given up halfway, today I would still be keeping everything inside instead of expressing myself here. Before I even started, I was thinking, “Who would read me anyway?” And today, I’m at 27K.

So, instead of putting your phone somewhere else and scrolling through your screen, starting something you love can give you much more beautiful things.

buy me a flowers ⋆♡⋆

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Writing has always felt better when it’s something we can share freely. I never want a paywall to get in the way of that.

So instead of putting my posts behind subscriptions, I’ve decided to use Buy Me some Flowers as a little way for anyone who enjoys my work to support it. There’s absolutely no pressure; being here, reading, and sharing my words already means so much to me. ♡

And if you ever feel like leaving a little something, it helps me keep writing, creating, and coming up with new things to share with you. Maybe even with a little extra caffeine-fueled inspiration.

I recently added a “Buy Me a Flowers” button to my Substack, so I thought I’d share how I set mine up in case you’re thinking about doing the same.

1. Set up your account

First, create an account on Buy Me a Coffee⁠.

Once you’re in, set up your page with your name. I used my Substack name to keep everything consistent, and added a short description in the “About” section.

For my profile picture, I used the same one as my Substack.

You’ll also need to set up your payout method before you can receive support!!!

2. Organize your page

This is probably my favorite part because you can actually make the page feel like you.

You can change the word “coffee” to pretty much anything you want. You could make it “buy me a pizza,” “buy me a book,” or something.

I chose flowers because I thought they felt sweeter and more personal. 🌷

You can also change your theme color, so I picked one that matches my Substack’s branding. So of course I chose the pink one!

3. Change the support type

Go to Supporters → Settings.

From there, you can change the wording and customize how the support option appears.

4. Add the button to your Substack

Open the Substack post where you want to add the button and select “Custom” under “Button.”

Then simply copy and paste your Buy Me a Coffee URL.

And that’s it! ♡

It’s a pretty simple way to give your readers the option to support your work without putting your writing behind a paywall. No pressure at all, just a little extra way for people who enjoy what you create to show their support.

buy me a flowers ⋆♡⋆

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I think I hate the “about me” questions you ask someone, like “what is your favorite color?” or any typical questions. It feels so fake, and I actually don’t care what your favorite color is. I want to watch you. I want to observe you. What are you like? What colors feel like you?

Lately, I feel like most relationships just exist for no reason, or they feel like something noted down in a notebook because it’s necessary, not because there’s genuine curiosity. Sometimes we like someone and want to discover them. You want to wonder, “What is his favorite sauce?” “How does he drink his coffee?” You know, some people don’t want to ask certain things. They’d rather observe and notice them, and I feel like that makes love feel more special.

Because whenever you notice something, you automatically start thinking about the reason behind it. You start wondering, “Why does he always choose this song?” You start questioning little things, and somehow, it creates a deeper bond. You’re not just learning facts about someone; you’re learning the little reasons that make them who they are.

And I think it’s healthy to be seen by someone, to want to be seen by someone. To learn each other’s sleep schedules, plan your lives around each other, and learn new things together.

Actually, relationships become meaningful through the time spent together, not through questions. And after the classic “about me” questions, there is always this awkward silence, because while we could learn these things by experiencing them, we just get a few written pieces of information and continue with our lives.

If we can’t learn a language without speaking or writing it, I don’t think we can truly learn a person that way either. It’s as simple as that. I don’t remember a single thing about any person I’ve met and gotten to know this way so far, because those facts are so easy for my brain to erase. But if I had built memories with someone like this, or if I ever do, I don’t think I could forget them so easily. Because I would remember wanting to relive that moment—the excitement of discovering someone, of getting to know them, of knowing them.

The things they love, the colors that remind you of them, the foods, the music… everything is connected, really. As the memories pile up, you keep discovering, keep learning, keep getting to know them.

And maybe that’s what makes a relationship meaningful to me. Even if one day you become strangers again, or even if you continue your life happily with that person, some things would remain unforgettable. The songs, the colors, the little habits, the places, the memories you built without even realizing you were building them.

Maybe that’s the kind of relationship I crave—the kind where knowing someone becomes a part of your memory, not just a list of things you once knew about them.

The way someone’s face changes when they laugh, the way their eyes light up, their sweetness, the way they behave when they’re sad—actually experiencing that person.

The relationship that I crave would be that.

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In a day, so many things cross my mind. During conversations, while washing the dishes, listening to music, or taking a shower, I’m always creating fake scenarios, having imaginary debates, and replaying conversations in my head. I think about all the things I wish I could say out loud. Sometimes I want to throw all my thoughts out there. I want to stand up for myself and give a response. Sometimes I promise myself, “This time, I’ll be more assertive.” But when the moment comes, when it’s time to actually have the conversation, I just listen and stay quiet.

There are so many thoughts, silent shrinks, and one thought that always comes to mind: “Staying quiet is better.”

Thousands of prayers I’ve whispered inside my head, or rather, wishes, because I’m not really a religious person. Thousands of dreams, words, and thoughts that have passed through my mind and heart, while I’m left struggling with all the feelings I keep buried inside.

My mind and I are filled with so many questions I avoid explaining and answering.

I think my answer to the question, “Is it better to speak or to die?” would be, “die.” or “speak and die” Sometimes, after certain things happen, I feel like I shouldn’t have spoken at all. I start wondering if keeping everything to myself would have been easier.I know most of us choose to stay silent because it feels like our comfort zone. We hide our emotions, our thoughts, our feelings, and even our preferences. Lately, I’ve been wondering, “Am I too silent?” And honestly, yes, I think I am. I do overshare sometimes, but it’s rarely about how I actually feel. It’s usually just little details about my day.

I’ve always been afraid of someone reading my journal because I don’t want them to see me as an emotional, moody person or judge me for the feelings I have.

Because, I’ve learned through experience that talking, crying, or making confessions only brings me more regret afterward. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I’ve never liked that feeling.

Sometimes, whenever I see someone being very open about their emotions, it makes me angry. Maybe I’m jealous of them because they can express what I struggle to express, or maybe I genuinely find it annoying. I honestly don’t know which one it is.

But the only thing I really feel is uneasiness. I don’t judge them, but I do find myself thinking, “How can they cry so easily?” Maybe it isn’t easy for them at all. I’m just not good at comforting people, and I’m not used to being comforted either. So maybe seeing people express themselves so openly feels uncomfortable to me. It’s almost strange to see someone being able to show their feelings so freely.

There are so many moments when I want to scream, say all the swear words that are running through my head, or simply explain quietly and calmly that I’m hurt. Sometimes I promise myself that this time I won’t stay silent, but all I end up doing is laughing it off, swallowing my words, and letting it pass.

Maybe that’s why I create scenarios in my head and have arguments with myself; it’s the only way I can feel a little relieved. There have been so many moments when I regretted staying silent, keeping things inside, and being unable to turn the words on the tip of my tongue into actual sentences. And I mean all kinds of feelings: sadness, love, anger, and all the people who seem to pile up on top of me more and more.

The most frustrating part is knowing that if I try to fight back, I’ll probably start crying after a few sentences. So I stay quiet, avoid arguments, and sometimes just lock myself in the bathroom. During an argument, the other person starts talking and doesn’t stop; they just keep going, and the more they talk, the more it feels like my brain is about to explode. When I’m about to open my mouth to respond, I can almost feel thorns in my throat. So I just shake my head and pull away, because I know that if I speak, by the second sentence my words will become so tangled that the other person won’t even understand what I’m saying. That’s probably the simplest example of what happens during an argument.

Or being unable to say the last things you have left to say. Ending up in a ridiculous situation because you couldn’t express yourself at the right time. The feelings you keep hiding until they start to feel unimportant, or that stupid thought that randomly crosses your mind during the day: “I should have said that.” And then there are thousands of unspoken words left inside you; words that, in some ways, even change the way you act and the decisions you make.

I guess we could call it the most useless defense mechanism, one that ironically makes everything harder instead of protecting you.

I think I still prefer feel shitty alone, keeping things to myself, rather than crying in front of others or risking doing something I might regret later.

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If you have a situationship and you are bored of dealing with him, or you want to take your relationship with your flirt to the next level, one of the best things you can do is test him to see if he really wants you. Because when both people in a relationship genuinely put in the effort, the relationship grows and matures, just like a field.

A reminder: it’s not about playing with anyone’s feelings, it’s just a little guide to building a successful relationship.

1. The “She Always Texts Me” Test

Text him a little more than usual at first. Be flirty with him and make him feel wanted, so he starts to get the impression that you really like him. Let him think, “She always texts me anyway.”

Then suddenly pull back.

For example, if you usually text him at the same time every day, keep doing that at first and try to keep the conversation going. After a while, change the pattern. Stop texting him in the morning, and even if he texts you, reply in the evening. This will make him wonder about you and start waiting for your messages.

Gradually shorten your conversations, and then suddenly extend one of them again for a day. It can make him feel like he had something he was used to having, only to suddenly lose it.

And if he genuinely wants you in his life, he will notice the change and make an effort to come after you.

2. House of Cards

If he passes the first test, congratulations! He is already interested in you. Now comes the second test: see whether he is willing to make an effort for you.

What we are looking for here is whether he will keep carefully building this fragile house of cards, knowing that it could collapse at any moment, or whether he will be careless enough to knock it down before it even has the chance to stand.

But how do you do that? First, you need to introduce a little chaos. Maybe create a tiny disagreement or a small moment of tension, without letting it turn into a serious argument. This is where you get to see what he is like when things are not completely perfect.

Pay attention to the way he treats you during these moments. Does he still communicate with you respectfully? Does he try to understand you? Does he make an effort to fix things?

And by “a fight,” I definitely do not mean creating a huge problem. It can simply be a minor crisis or a little moment of being upset. The point is not to hurt his feelings or manipulate him, but to see how he handles small difficulties with you.

Ideally, this should not be based on one single moment. Over time, you can notice whether he becomes tired of making an effort or continues to show that he cares, even when things are not effortless.

3. Sweet & Sour

After little arguments, you will need small, sweet reconciliations. Give the attention back to him, but create a situation where you do not make him feel like you are dissatisfied with his attention. In short, be nice to him again, but the point is not to show him attention. After spending the whole day having a good time with him, bring up something about him that bothered you that day, even if it is not necessarily related to something he did, or something that upset you. It would be better if it is related to your relationship, because this way, his brain will start thinking, “But we had such a good day, how can she still not be satisfied? I need to make her happier.”

The most important point is that it is not about having an argument. It is simply about letting him know about something that upset you or something you have been thinking about at the end of the sweet and good time you spent together all day.

4.Diamond Cut Theory

If you have made it through this stage as well, we can say that things are progressing successfully. Now, the goal is to reach the point where he starts making sacrifices for you and making time for you, because people naturally value the things they spend time on.

After all, isn’t that what makes a diamond valuable? It’s the way the stone is cut and polished. A diamond gains its beauty and value through the work put into shaping it. same rule applies to almost everything. The more effort and time you put into something, the more it grows, improves, and becomes valuable to you.

And now, you are going to give him that opportunity.

The next step is to start giving him little responsibilities. It may also be time to make him feel that you have expectations of him. We already laid the foundation for this in the previous step, but now it is time to actually start seeing the results of his effort.

5.Let Him Feel Safe

This is where becoming someone he can trust, and eventually someone he feels comfortable opening up to, really begins.

Start by sharing little things about yourself. Let him see a softer, more vulnerable side of you. Tell him about the small things that matter to you, the things you think about, or even the little details you would not normally tell everyone. You want to create the feeling that you are someone he can genuinely talk to.

People naturally feel safer around those they can open up to. When someone realizes that they can share their thoughts without being judged, they slowly let their guard down.

But there is one golden rule: you do not have to tell him everything.

Being vulnerable does not mean giving someone unlimited access to you. Keep some parts of yourself private, maintain your boundaries, and let trust develop gradually. The goal is not to make him feel insecure about what you are hiding, but to show him that there are still parts of you he will discover with time.

Give him a safe space to open up, while still having your own boundaries. That balance can make the connection feel both more meaningful and more personal.

6.Dreamcatcher

I guess this is the part where love might actually be starting.

If everything has been going the way it should, maybe it is finally time to stop thinking about the next move and start adding a little depth to what you have.

Because at some point, it stops being about whether he will text first, whether he will stay, or whether he will make an effort. You start caring about who he actually is. You become curious about the things he dreams about, the things that scare him, the stories that shaped him, and the little details that make him who he is.

Maybe this is where the game ends and something real begins.

And honestly, isn’t that what we were looking for all along?

This is where you start dreaming together and having conversations about the things you want to experience someday.

Talking about dreams can naturally make both of you more excited about what could happen next. It is also the perfect time to start making room for more intentional and thoughtfully planned dates. The little problems have been worked through, you have started opening up to each other, and there is still that mutual curiosity, with so much left to discover about one another.

At this point, you can say that you have reached one of the sweetest parts of getting to know someone: making memories together.

It is no longer just about testing whether he will stay. It is about giving yourselves something worth staying for.

7. Keep Little Pieces of the Story

I think once you start having little things that carry memories of the two of you, and after a little slow-burn romance, we can finally say that the mission has been successfully completed.

Congratulations. You made it to the end.

Maybe the real trick was never about making him chase you or trying to make him fall in love. Maybe it was about giving two people enough time, curiosity, trust, and shared moments to discover whether something real could grow between them.

And if he is still there after all of that, choosing you and making an effort without being asked, then maybe you did not really “lose a guy in 10 days.”

Maybe you found someone worth keeping.

I hope my future husband never reads this😭

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We’ve all had embarrassing middle school and high school memories. The loves we thought were our first “love,” entering adolescence, decisions made with excitement, unstylish clothes we bought enthusiastically, hairstyles, and everything that shaped our personality today are actually all made up of cringe.

From time to time, there are random trends, memes, celebrity crushes we were obsessed with, and embarrassing Instagram stories we shared. In a way, we’re all made up of little pieces of cringe. Even though these classic phases we all went through may seem incredibly cringe now, I think they might actually be the times we miss the most. For example, the way we call 2026 the new 2016 brings back that old sense of sincerity, reminding us of the times when we truly expressed ourselves and felt more like ourselves. As the years pass, it feels like those memories become a colorful reflection of the quieter versions of ourselves we have slowly turned into.

Sometimes we miss the feeling that the past we are ashamed of and want to run away from reminds us of who we are, but there are also darker periods, things we do not want to remember and whose effects we still experience. In a way, they are events that we could call the “present perfect tense” of our lives. They had an effect in the past, but their traces are still in our lives, deep inside. In other words, we can call them events that happened in the past but whose effects still surround us.

An experience we had with someone, someone we met who still affects our lives, although what I am talking about here is more in a negative sense, the consequences of an action we took, the “what if” scenarios that keep running through our minds, regrets, and all the things whose effects we cannot escape. The uncomfortable memories we want to forget, or the ones we do not want to forget because we are proud of them being a part of us, even if they still hurt. A collection of parasites we either want to rip out of ourselves or somehow learn to live with.

The wounds inflicted on us, the wounds we inflicted on ourselves, or the wounds we caused others, the terrible periods we went through, the words we can never take back. Maybe this is why the past does not feel quite as tempting anymore. Lately, even though I have been feeling mentally exhausted, I feel better than I used to. As we grow older, we probably become more aware of the mistakes we made, and I think most of us do. But in some ways, no matter how the traces of the past remain, they feel like tattoos being carved into our skin. Maybe they are somewhere everyone can see, or maybe they stay hidden underneath our clothes, but we still know they are there. Sometimes, even in someone we have just met, we notice things that remind us of a person from our past. A connection, a similarity, a kind of familiarity. And through all of this, we realize just how difficult it really is to completely erase someone from our lives.

Maybe that is why forgetting something or someone is so difficult, and why longing for the past can be just as difficult. Time always moves forward, too fast for us to catch and too impatient for us to stay in the present. Even when a person, a place, or a period of our lives is no longer a part of our lives, it still remains with us. The only difference is that, although they are no longer physically here, they remain as ghosts. How far can you really run from your past?

People leave, but memories stay. The excitement, the sadness, or even just a feeling you experienced all on your own, a cringeworthy moment you wish you could forget, can follow you.

And I also want to add that even if the stupid things we did in the past, the stupid people we met, or a mistake we made to ourselves still stay with us, they have taught us something. We already know that we will stay away from something that hurt us or upset us in the past. It has simply remained in our past. But as I said, choosing not to forget, romanticizing life through pain, or thinking about things unnecessarily, we will still make many more mistakes and meet the wrong people after all.

Maybe we are simply cannot choose to forget.

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At the end of last summer, I started thinking about my future, like what I want to do, where I want to live, and so on. Small questions brought big voices and big dreams, a little delusional but still my own. But I guess sometimes, while life moves between delusions and hopes, it had started to make me get too carried away, sometimes making me spend hours thinking, imagining things, and putting myself into a kind of daydreamer

I can imagine that we all have big or small dreams and alternative lives we create in our heads. What I mean is not exactly escaping from reality, but rather the pressure of inadequacy created by having too many expectations, because dreams give birth to new dreams, and as I kept putting new burdens on myself, I started to find myself caught between expectations, hopes, and sometimes painful realities. But accepting the truth doesn’t solve everything from the root. On the contrary, it seemed to create new pressures for me to carry the truths I needed to accept toward the best version of what they could be. And as the pressure grew and grew, the number of things I tried increased. Starting Substack was one of them, and I think I can say that sometimes, even though I may exhaust myself too much, being delusional has really helped me see which of my dreams I can actually reach. At the same time, even though I like how it feels a little like manifesting, it somehow makes me feel like I’m moving toward my dreams and the path I want to be on within my delusions.

And after a while, I realized that I was actually too eager to try everything. I had always loved writing, and I would usually write things in the notes app on my phone. When I discovered Substack, I decided to publish my own thoughts, and I can admit that at first, it felt too cringe because I didn’t feel successful, and I felt like I was expressing thoughts that were too personal or special. Things that had been trapped in the Notes app for years were suddenly public. Then, journaling and keeping a planner continued with the idea of romanticizing journaling instead of living with the thought that one day someone might read my diary, decorating my notebooks, writing more comfortably on Substack, and then the subject eventually came to the experience of writing a book, which I’m still working on.

Everything that started with a small spark, with questions like “I need to start doing something” and “What would the version of me in my dreams be like?”, grew even more as I started writing and sharing my thoughts, and my delusions seemed to slowly come to life.

I started to realize that I genuinely want to keep doing these things in the future, and that these are the parts that truly make me who I am. Since I love arranging pages and making moodboards, I applied for a random print publication and ended up writing for the second issue of the magazine, and for a short time, I got to do my dream job. And my dreams are even more than that

As time passes, dreams multiply, turn into little manifestations, and I think they turn into some of the most beautiful channels I have created in my life. Last summer, I had a Substack account that I opened in my native language, and I had a little over 300 subscribers, but I wanted to be more visible and reach more people, so I opened this one around March or February. And now I have 15K subscribers. My goal at the beginning of the year was to reach 1,000 subscribers by the end of the year, but now this is showing me new goals and how much I can actually achieve.

And I think next, things like getting into my dream university and moving to my dream country are waiting for me. And lately, university-related things have actually been making me feel some of the pressure I mentioned. My expectations of myself are very high, but some days I feel like I can’t even get out of bed, like I can’t find that strength within myself. But maybe even this can be considered a kind of motivation. Or, when it comes to things like trying to eat healthily and exercise for a better body, I sometimes feel like I have created a version of myself in my head and I’m trying to become her every day. And I was trying, too. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I left things unfinished, but I genuinely believe that dreaming can take us somewhere, because the feeling of “the version of me who is dreaming is not enough for this, I need to be enough” creates a strange feeling in my heart and makes me search for ways to achieve things and accept the circumstances. I’m not complaining, because I’m happy with the results I’ve gotten, and I’m quite happy with the excitement I feel and with being on the way to achieving something.

At the same time, last year, as I started questioning myself, I think I realized how much I wanted to move to New York. And now I’m literally looking into every possible path that could take me there, trying everything that could benefit me in the future. Considering how much the place you live shapes you and the opportunities it offers, I genuinely feel like I’m supposed to be there, and I’m trying and working accordingly. Even this pushes me to do things, to try, to see new paths and possibilities.

I know it’s difficult, and maybe it’s an obsession, but there are so many people who have made it there, and there is a key to everything. I’m at the stage of finding that key, and I’m sure I’ll do everything I can. Sometimes, my favorite part of delusions is how the version of yourself you create in your head makes you live exactly like “fake it until you make it,” and when my dreams are this dominant, how could I not keep trying and just stay where I am?

There are still so many projects I’m thinking about starting, and I’m currently in the planning and trying stage before I begin them. There are so many things I want to do, and so many failures and successes, and eventually, there will be a version of me that comes out of all of this. I think being a 17-year-old girl who is still trying new things is genuinely one of the most beautiful feelings. I’m not afraid of losing; I’m just living with the curiosity of what will be left in my hands from everything I try, and I guess we can say I have the courage that comes from the delusions I create in my head.

I can promise myself that I’ll keep striving until I have the life I want, or at least get as close to it as possible, and that with every success, I’ll dare to dream even bigger.

Maybe being delusional isn’t about believing that everything will happen. Maybe it’s about believing that it could.

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I think we all have certain words or phrases that make us uncomfortable and feel bad when we hear them, but for me, “in another life” is especially haunting because whenever I see something like that in a comment, I immediately start questioning, “Why not in this life?” I don’t know if there’s another life, but I really wouldn’t want something I deeply wish for to happen in another life, because I’m living this one, and I don’t know what will happen to me after I die. Saying “in another life” almost feels like accepting that it won’t happen in this one, like giving up. And the idea of giving up is also uncomfortable too.

Maybe somethings might not happen, but at least trying to make them happen is a form of achievement in itself. Rather than simply dismissing them by saying “in another life,” I’d rather keep trying in this one.

Because what is really stopping us from saying this? I don’t know if I’m giving the phrase too much meaning, but even if some things are impossible, we can’t truly measure how impossible they are until we try. We can only decide how much we’ve lost once we actually see what happens. There are also so many things in my life that I truly think will never happen, things I tell myself might happen in another life. Yes, maybe it can be hurts a lot, but if I wasn’t given the opportunities I needed, I can still look for my own opportunities. Even if I can’t create exactly the impossible thing I wanted, at least I’ll carry myself somewhere, and I’ll have the knowledge that I tried.

Also you can deny it millions of times, you can try millions of times. I’ve also had hundreds of mornings in my life that started with, “Today is the first day of my new life.” And today is another one of those days, because I made a decision yesterday, and I had made another one a few days ago. I keep making new decisions. Some of them stay with me, while others disappear. What matters is starting, even if it’s only for a day, and going after something. Because every time we start, even on the days when we give up, we’re still moving forward from where we were, even if only a little. And we can never truly know where that might take us.

Most of us don’t need another life to try things or start something new. We just need to give ourselves one chance, or thousands of chances. Whether another life exists or not, we have this life, the one we know exists right now. And we have so many chances to try. Whatever you want to do, you can try, keep going, and learn along the way. I’ve fallen so many times too. I don’t have something huge to show for it yet, or a list of things I’ve accomplished that I can say truly make me happy. Even if I had a perfect life, a perfect appearance, and everything I wanted, I think I would still…

Because I know there will never be enough for me.

I just want to selfishly reject the idea of another life. I want to be greedy if I have to, but at the end of the day, I want to be the one who wins.

Also, we might not even be born as humans in another life, if there even is one. And I think there are probably so many more things we can do as humans than we could as a flower or an insect. If I were a flower, I think that’s when I’d want to move on to the next life as soon as possible.

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I don’t know, but lately I really cry a lot, and without a reason. I am not depressed, I feel normal, but I feel like I will always cry soon. And sometimes I literally cry because of ridiculous reasons.

For example, two weeks ago, I always saw one man on TikTok, and it made me cry. It’s funny because I don’t even know him, who he is, or anything. He is just talking and telling some things, and I feel like I will cry.

Or any song that isn’t about my life or anything about what I live, but it makes me cry. Or any video on the internet. I think about what’s wrong with me, but I can’t find any reason. It’s not about love, stress, or anything. I haven’t even fallen in love before, but love or breakup songs make me cry a lot.

The only feeling I’ve noticed is that I feel out of place. Many times, I feel like I’m just drawing circles in my own life, going around and around only to end up back where I started.

Maybe not having anything new in my life makes me emotional because I am so bored with my life, and my mind creates drama or makes me feel things that aren’t really there just because it wants something new.

But I don’t want to feel like this.

I want to spiral instead of drawing circles. I want to start something instead of crying all day for no reason. But some days, I just don’t have the energy, and I can’t get out of my bed. I know a lot of people struggle with the “I do nothing” problem.

But I’m not talking about the basic things, like studying, eating healthy, working out, or doing my work. I’m talking about bigger things.

I feel like I’m already too late, even though I’m only 17. Nothing has even really started for me yet, but I want to feel something new. I want to try new things and achieve something. Maybe I want to be seen, or maybe I just want to feel different. I don’t really know.

My mind loves drama, and it’s the opposite of my life because I’m living in a small, boring city, and my life is so boring too. These two are the perfect combination to make me feel shitty and useless.

And it makes me cry too because when I see videos of people living in big cities or beautiful places, I feel like I’m going to cry again.

Basically, everything makes me cry because I don’t like my life right now, and I can’t stand being here.

I am yearning for the lives I don’t live, and I am yearning for the emotions I don’t feel. I hate being a spectator in my own life, watching everything happen from a distance while I’m just standing there, wishing I could be part of it. I want to experience things instead of just watching other people experience them. I want stories of my own, memories of my own, moments that make me feel something.

I think growing up isn’t that scary after all, because your life is in your control. And I want to do things, not just to be seen, but to feel like my life has meaning.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe this is actually a critical time in my life. It’s the beginning of so many things, and I want to do something meaningful with it. I want to create something precious that I can look back on and know that I really lived through this time instead of just watching it pass.

I want to start something that I genuinely want to do and feel good about it. I want to be able to say, “Yes, I achieved that.”

Because seeing young people who are successful is honestly so cool. It makes me want to become one of those people too.

See you in my future projects.

Stay tuned. I feel ready to try new things, and I have a good feeling about this. At least I’ll know I tried.

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about my boring life, which seems to be mostly spent doomscrolling and hanging out with friends, without any real activities or anything worth writing about. I’ve always been fascinated by beautifully designed planners, journals, and notebooks. I would buy them because I loved the idea of having somewhere to put my thoughts, plans, and little pieces of my life.

But my life feels so boring that I rarely have anything I want to write about. I don’t feel the need to plan my days because there’s barely anything to plan. Most days just happen, one after another, and sometimes I get so tired of living such a basic life.

And today, I decided to make my life worth writing about, worth telling stories about. I don’t even know where to start, but I want to do something different. I want to try new things, meet new people, stay busy, and fill my planner with things that actually make me excited to look back on my days.

I don’t want to look back on my teenage years and remember nothing but doomscrolling and ordinary days that weren’t worth remembering. I want to be able to say, “Yes, when I was 17, I did this.”

I’m sharing this because maybe it can be helpful to anyone who feels lost, too.

Because I know these are the years when we don’t have much to lose, and we can take risks because it doesn’t matter that much. And I will take risks. I will try something new and I won’t escape my responsibilities because they are the way to my dreams, and I need them. And more than anything, I want to live a life worth living.

I already don’t know my way, but I just keep walking and pushing my limits, hoping that something will change. I want to keep a journal of everything that I will experience throughout this process.

And I know I won’t suddenly become a completely different person. Some days will still be boring. I’ll still procrastinate. I’ll still have days when I do nothing.

But I will always be myself. This isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s just a little challenge to see how much I can grow and to finally see my own light.

So, this is my little challenge to myself: to stop waiting for my life to become interesting and start making it interesting.

And maybe one day, when I look back at this journal, I’ll be able to say:

“Yeah. When I was 17, I really lived.”

And the hardest thing is finding something to do. I am open to recommendations, and I believe that trying new things will open good doors for me.

I hope this won’t end up like those decisions you make at 2 a.m. and never actually follow through with.

Let’s see together what changes.

And I want to add something too: you can always try something new.

And I want to add something too: you can always try something new. I have always procrastinated on things that I wanted to do because I always hesitate. I am afraid of being judged, and I still am. But at the end of the day, however people judge me, I am with myself, and I will feel good because I am doing the things I really want to do.

So don’t think about other people. It’s cringe until you win, because when you succeed, you will look so cool. And also, you are already cool because you are trying something new instead of judging people doing things without you.

And if you are making an effort for something, you have already won. Just don’t give up and run towards your dreams.

Being cringe is being free.

I’m not talking about studying or anything like that. If you want to sing, just sing. If you want to write, just write. If you want to dance, dance. Do whatever you want to do.

Don’t let the fear of being cringe or being judged by others stop you. Sometimes being cringe is just being brave enough to do something you genuinely enjoy.

And don’t forget: it’s cringe until you win.

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Every day, I try to do things that make my life better, like eating healthy, doing cardio, writing everything down in my planner, trying to write a book, and creating colorful makeup looks. But I still feel the same. It doesn’t feel romantic; it just feels like a pretty mess. Maybe it’s because the weather is extremely hot and I don’t want to get out of bed. Or maybe I’m just being lazy, or maybe I actually do things but they still don’t feel like enough. I don’t know the real reason, but I just feel like everything I do isn’t enough.

I know my responsibilities. I should study and do my weekly to-do list, but for the last few days, everything has been getting shitty.I literally can’t get out of bed. I just wake up and go back to sleep again, and by the end of the day, I feel like I haven’t done anything. My sleep schedule is getting worse, and I constantly feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’m starting to make my life worse.

And now I miss the version of myself from last month. Last month, I already felt like I wasn’t enough and that everything was messy, but now I feel worse than my old self. I’m trying to become better little by little, taking small steps, but I keep wondering what’s wrong with me.

I was so excited to create something and I was also stressed about everything, but now I just feel nothing. There’s a small quietness living in my soul. My mind feels so empty; I don’t think about anything, and I don’t like this feeling.

Today I tried to eat healthy and do cardio, and I did it, but I still feel like it’s not enough. I can’t romanticize my life, I can’t manage everything, and it’s making me feel sick. I feel like I have to do everything perfectly. For instance; I should write more, study harder, look better, and be more energetic, but my battery is literally drained.

Maybe the problem is that trying to romanticize everything and trying to be better are draining my battery. Now I don’t want to do anything because I don’t want to deal with myself. Because the voice in my head is never satisfied; it always wants more. And now I’m trying to find an exit door, but I still can’t find one. I feel like I’m just avoiding the voices in my head and running down the aisle.

But I still can’t see the exit door, and I’m getting tired of myself. I don’t know what’s on the other side of the door. Maybe I could stay and solve my problems, or maybe I should fight this voice, but I don’t know when.

I think I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I should be kinder to myself.

Maybe the problem is that me and all the people who judge themselves too much and care too much about social media are trying to be good at everything all the time. Maybe we should allow ourselves to have off days. I don’t have to be good at everything. Maybe I’m not perfect, and maybe that’s the problem but I’m trying to be.

It’s just because I’m not perfect at anything, so I always want more. It doesn’t matter how much people like something if I don’t feel good about it myself.

I’ve tried morning routines, all-day routines, and weekly routines, but I have no energy because I push myself too much. I could be kinder to myself, but I always find something that makes my mood go down. I don’t like anything I’m doing right now. I don’t even want to do the things I usually enjoy, like scrapbooking, journaling, writing, or listening to music.

But I promise myself that I will fix things with small steps and be kinder to myself. I won’t try to romanticize everything because not all of us need to romanticize every part of our lives. Sometimes it just makes everything worse, and we start judging ourselves more.

Maybe we’re taking the idea of romanticizing life too far. My old self wasn’t perfect, but at least I was trying. I would choose that version of myself over the version of me who feels like giving up now.

I just wanted to have a beautiful, creative summer spent at home.

But I think I ruined everything.

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I’m not sure if we are becoming more confident with using colors in makeup as time goes by, or if we are slowly moving away from them. But one thing I know for sure:

I absolutely love colorful eyeshadows.

For a while now, I’ve been experimenting with different shades in my everyday makeup. Purple, blue, and green have become some of my favorites. At first, using these colors might feel a little unusual, but somehow they feel more like me. They add something different to my day and make my makeup feel more creative.

Of course, nobody has to wear makeup or follow any beauty trend. Makeup is a personal choice, and everyone should feel comfortable with whatever makes them happy. But sometimes, adding a little bit of color to our makeup can also add a little bit of color to our day.

If life feels a little too blue, why not try a blue eyeshadow?

Whether it’s a soft pastel shade or a bold, deep tone, a little color can change the way you feel. Makeup doesn’t always have to be about looking perfect. Sometimes, it can simply be about having fun, exploring yourself, and creating a look that makes you smile.

One of my favorite things about colorful eye makeup is discovering unexpected combinations.

A bright green eyeshadow paired with different shades of pink can look surprisingly whimsical and pretty. The harmonious blend of these colors creates a magical, floral ambiance, proving that makeup doesn’t always have to follow traditional rules or be boring

Sometimes the colors we least expect to work together can create the most interesting and attractive looks.

Experimenting with different shades allows us to find combinations that feel unique and whimsical. I think this might be the year we start normalizing colorful makeup even more. As everything around us slowly seems to lose its color, I find myself wanting to bring more of it back into my life. I don’t think makeup colors have a specific time, occasion, or outfit that they belong to. Unless you are someone who performs on stage or attends different events every day, why wait for a special moment to use your colorful eyeshadows?

Instead of saving your favorite shades for a “perfect” or “special” occasion, you can make an ordinary day feel special. Sometimes a little bit of color is enough to change and boost your mood and remind you that everyday moments can be beautiful too.

Don’t be afraid to use glitter and colors!!

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I still remember sitting on the floor of my childhood room, surrounded by my toys, completely lost in my own little world. I could spend hours watching cartoons, creating stories in my head, and feeling like time would never run out. I remember building pillow forts with my brother, turning ordinary moments into something magical, and spending endless afternoons with my friends, having small conversations and little adventures that felt like they would last forever.

Back then, life felt simple. I didn’t think about where I would end up, what career I would choose, or what kind of person I would become. I was just living inside those moments, not knowing that one day I would look back and miss them. I never thought I would miss the days when my biggest worries were so small.

Time passes so quickly. I remember how much I used to want to grow up. I couldn’t wait to move on to the next stage, to become older, and to reach the version of myself I had imagined. The first days of high school felt strange and uncomfortable. Everything was unfamiliar, and I just wanted to reach the upper grades, to feel more settled, to finally get to the next chapter.

Now I’m about to start my final year of high school.

Something that once felt so far away is suddenly here. It feels like one moment I was just starting, and the next I’m preparing to leave.

As I grew older, my world slowly became bigger. I still remember the first little moments that made me feel like I was becoming someone new. Buying my first makeup product with my best friend, a simple tinted lip balm at the end of middle school, felt like such a big moment back then. It was something so small, but it felt like a step toward becoming the person I imagined myself as.

I remember my first experiences with the internet, discovering a world outside of my own. I remember the friendships, the people I met, and even the silly almost-relationships I thought were much more serious than they actually were. Looking back, they were small and sometimes funny moments, but they were all pieces of figuring out who I was.

Every year brought a different version of me. Different interests, different dreams, different people, and different feelings.

Now, everyone I know is getting ready to go their own way. We will move to different cities, maybe even different countries, and start building lives of our own. University, careers, new places, new people. It feels like life is starting all over again.

The first version of our lives was created for us. We were born into a family, sent to a school, and followed a path that was already planned. But now, for the first time, we have to create our own lives. We have to decide who we want to become.

And that is where the fear comes from.

One of the clearest things I’ve noticed about myself is how my anxieties have grown as I’ve gotten older. At the beginning of high school, I wasn’t constantly thinking about my future, my career, where I would live, or what kind of person I would become. I was simply living in the moment.

But somewhere along the way, everything changed.

Before I even fully knew myself, I suddenly had to start thinking about what I wanted to do, which universities I should apply to, whether I wanted to study abroad, and what kind of life I wanted to build.

The more I focused on these things, the more complicated life started to feel. There are so many possibilities, so many directions I could take, and so many things I want to experience. But sometimes, instead of feeling exciting, all these choices feel overwhelming.

Growing up is not only about freedom and new experiences. It is also about uncertainty, difficult decisions, and the responsibility of creating a life you have never lived before.

When I think about my childhood, I realize that the little version of me is not completely gone. I can still see pieces of her in who I am today.

When I was little, I wanted to be a TV host. I loved the idea of telling stories, speaking to people, and being part of something creative. As I grew older, my dreams changed many times. For a while, I thought about psychology, then law, then becoming a teacher. I kept searching for the thing that felt right.

For a long time, I thought changing my mind meant I was lost. But I was just trying to understand myself better.

Now, I find myself drawn to journalism and storytelling again. The little girl who wanted to tell stories never really disappeared. She just grew up and found new ways to do it.

Maybe growing up is not about becoming a completely different person. It is about discovering that the things you loved when you were younger were little clues about who you would become.

When I stop and realize everything I have experienced, everything I have felt, and all the versions of myself I have become, it makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I have really been living.

But lately, I have felt different.

I still have dreams and things I want to experience, but sometimes I feel like I am just moving through days instead of truly living them. You become more aware of time and everything waiting for you, but sometimes you forget how to simply exist in the moment.

Lately, I have had this strange feeling that I am spending my last moments with everyone I love, including my family. It is an unsettling thought, especially because I don’t even fully know where I am going yet.

I know my life is changing, but I don’t know exactly where I will end up, who I will become, or what my next chapter will look like. There is something scary about leaving behind a life that feels familiar while standing in front of a future I cannot fully see.

The strangest part is knowing that the people who have seen every version of me will no longer be there for every new one.

These are the people who watched me grow, who knew me before I knew myself, who saw my happiest moments, my awkward phases, and all the different versions of who I was becoming.

One day, we might have to learn about each other’s lives from a distance. We will hear stories instead of experiencing them together. We will discover new places our friends live in, meet the people they become, and see parts of their lives that we were not there to witness.

It almost feels like our friendships will turn into a long-distance relationship. The love and connection will still be there, but the everyday moments that made us close will become memories we look back on.

I think these might be the years I miss the most.

Even if better memories come in the future, even if I experience everything I have dreamed of, this version of myself and the people around me will always be the ones who brought me to that point.

The person I become will always carry pieces of who I am right now. The things I experienced, the people I loved, and the moments I lived through will always be a part of me.

I remember when one or two years used to feel like such a long time. It felt endless, like there was always more than enough time ahead. But now, those same years feel so short.

Time does not actually move faster. We just start realizing how precious every moment is when we understand that it will not stay the same forever.

Growing up was never supposed to feel completely exciting. It is possible to feel grateful for the life you have lived while still being scared of the life waiting for you. Every new beginning carries a little bit of sadness because it means leaving something behind.

I don’t want to stop time. I don’t want to stay in the past forever. There are still so many places I want to see, people I want to meet, and versions of myself I want to become.

But a part of me will always miss this version of my life. The ordinary days, the familiar places, the people who have known me before I became whoever I am going to be.

Growing up is not about leaving your past behind. It is about carrying every version of yourself with you as you become someone new.

And this is why time feels like it is moving faster than I am. I am still learning how to appreciate a moment while it is happening, before it becomes a memory.

Sometimes I look around and realize that nothing is exactly the same anymore.

My brother is not the same person he was when we built pillow forts together. I am not the same person I was back then either. We have both grown, changed, and become different versions of ourselves. And the strange thing is knowing that this change is not over yet.

There are still so many things that will change. The people we love, the places we know, and the lives we are building will continue to transform.

The same is true for friendships. The people who grew up alongside us will continue becoming new versions of themselves, and we will have to learn how to love each other through those changes, even from a distance.

Maybe that is the hardest and most beautiful part of growing up. Realizing that things will never stay exactly the same, but the moments and people who shaped us will always remain a part of who we are.

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I have always imagined life as an ocean.

Endless. Deep. Too vast to ever fully understand.

And somewhere in it, there is me; a fish. Not a shark. Not a whale. Not even a species I can confidently name. Just another creature trying to survive in waters far bigger than itself.

People often say there’s plenty of fish in the sea. They mean it as reassurance, usually about love. But I don’t think I’ve ever heard that sentence without thinking about the ocean itself.

An ocean full of lives larger than mine. Fish faster than me. Smarter than me. More beautiful, more colorful, more noticeable. Creatures that seem to know exactly where they’re going while I keep swimming, wondering what kind of fish I’m even supposed to be.

Maybe that’s what growing up feels like.

Not searching for the right person, but searching for yourself in an ocean where everyone else appears to have already found their place.

The only thing I know for certain is that I don’t even know where I’m swimming.

I can’t picture myself anywhere. Not a city. Not a career. Not even a version of myself that feels real.

Five years from now is nothing but open water. I have no idea where I’ll be, who I’ll be with, what my life will look like, or even what I’ll look like.

Sometimes I feel like one of those fish that live so deep beneath the surface that sunlight has never reached them. Existing in the dark, surrounded by a world I can’t fully see, trying to move toward something I can’t even name.

Maybe that’s why the future has always felt less like a destination and more like an ocean. Vast enough to hold every possibility, yet so deep that I can’t tell whether I’m swimming in the right direction or simply drifting.

I am full of expectations for myself, yet I have no idea which way to swim.

I know what I want. At least I think I do. But I am terrified of getting lost.

What if, years from now, I wake up inside a life I never wanted? What if one day I have to ask myself, Is this really what I wanted? I think that question scares me more than failure itself.

My mind is constantly occupied by the same thought. What if things don’t go the way I planned? What if the current carries me somewhere I never meant to go? Somewhere so far from the life I dreamed of that I can no longer recognize myself.

People say that’s just life. Things don’t always work out the way we imagine. We adapt. We accept. We move on.

But I don’t want to accept that.

I don’t want to believe that I could spend years swimming toward a horizon only to realize I was drifting the entire time.

Maybe that’s unrealistic. Maybe it’s naive. But I can’t help it. My heart keeps asking for certainty in a world that has never promised it.

I don’t know when this constant fear will quiet down. I don’t know when I’ll finally stop wondering if I’m heading toward the life I’m meant to live, or away from it.

I know the life I want.

What scares me is drowning in a life I never chose.

I keep wondering what kind of fish I am in this endless ocean. Maybe I am still searching for the place where I truly belong. Maybe I am still trying to understand what makes me different from all the other creatures swimming beside me.

And maybe, one day, I will find a mirror hidden inside a shipwreck.

Maybe I will finally see myself clearly. Not the version of me shaped by expectations, fears, or comparisons, but the person I was becoming all along.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I am one of them.

Maybe I have spent so much time looking at the ocean around me that I forgot I belong to it too.

The water is crowded. There are so many different creatures, each moving in their own direction, each carrying their own story. Maybe that’s why I haven’t discovered what kind of fish I am yet.

Not because I don’t have a place in this ocean, but because there is so much to see that I haven’t had the chance to truly understand myself.

Maybe one day, I will stop comparing myself to the fish swimming ahead of me and finally recognize the one I have always been.

For now, I am just hoping to find my way out of this ocean of uncertainties.

Not because I want the ocean to disappear, but because I want to understand where I am swimming.

I want to know that, after all these waves and currents, I am still moving toward the life I dreamed of.

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I always fool myself in every aspect of my life. Love, success, personal growth, everything.

I keep making promises to myself and then I don’t keep them. Even when I do keep them, I still find myself questioning whether they were good enough. I can never feel completely sure about what I do.

I don’t know if the problem is that I don’t love myself enough. It’s not that I hate myself, but my expectations for myself are extremely high. At the same time, even those high expectations sometimes feel like another delusion I created. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve to have expectations for myself.

In a strange way, I force myself to love people, to be kind to people, to become a better person, but the more I do this, the more I feel like I am getting lost inside myself.

Is this really what I want?

I try to stay positive about my future, but then all the thoughts of “what if I fail?” start echoing in my mind. The strange thing is, I know that if I put in effort and work hard, I can achieve things. I know that I am trying. But somehow, I still keep rejecting myself.

I keep trying to convince myself that I love someone.

But maybe the truth is that I just love romanticizing things.

I don’t know if it is called pretending to be a girl in love, or if I simply enjoy the feeling of being in a romantic story. Maybe I am more attached to the idea of love, the emotions, the scenarios I create in my head, than the person themselves.

Sometimes I wonder if I love someone, or if I love the version of myself that exists when I imagine being in love.

I dream a lot. I imagine different versions of my future, but then I become afraid of those dreams and hide from them. I don’t like anything I create or anything I do. The strange part is that if I saw someone else doing the exact same thing, I would probably admire them.

It feels like the problem is not the work itself. It feels like the problem is that it is me doing it. Like someone as confused and inconsistent as me cannot actually succeed.

I know people are not perfect. I know nobody wakes up every day and does everything perfectly. But not being able to create the life and routine I imagine for myself slowly makes me lose hope in myself.

I don’t like it because I am the person doing it.

The person in my head wakes up early, keeps her promises, takes care of herself, and lives with intention. But the real me does these things halfway, forgets, falls behind, and then feels disappointed.

Sometimes I question myself with endless thoughts. How can someone as messy as me become successful?

Then comes the sudden wave of confidence where I convince myself that I can do anything. I talk to myself kindly because I want to feel better. But even during those moments, a part of me wonders if I am just fooling myself again.

Even when people tell me that I am talented or capable, does it really matter if I cannot feel that way about myself?

Because when I look at all the promises I made and didn’t keep, the days I wasted, the routines I abandoned, I feel like all my failures are because of those moments.

Maybe the hardest thing is not failing.

Maybe the hardest thing is not being able to believe yourself.

Sometimes there is also this sudden feeling that I am incredibly successful. A feeling so strong that it almost turns into a delusion.

I start believing that I can become someone extraordinary, that everything will work out, that I am closer to my dreams than I think. Maybe I am exaggerating, maybe I am convincing myself of something that is not completely true, but that feeling also gives me motivation. It gives me energy. It pushes me to take action.

It is strange because the same thing that can make me lose touch with reality is sometimes the thing that helps me move forward.

I don’t know where the line is between self-belief and self-deception.

Sometimes I wonder when I will finally feel satisfied.

When will I be able to say, “okay, this is enough”? When will I stop overthinking everything?

Because even when I am in these thoughts, even when dreaming and working hard gives me a beautiful kind of energy, even when I believe that I might actually succeed, I still cannot picture myself in the future.

I cannot see myself anywhere.

Sometimes it feels like I have disappeared from my own future, like there is no version of me waiting there.

And maybe that is the scariest part. Not the possibility of failing, but the inability to imagine myself becoming the person I keep trying to reach.

Maybe one day I will learn how to recognize myself, how to truly see myself, and how to observe my own growth without constantly questioning it.

Maybe I will learn to evaluate myself with honesty instead of getting lost in the endless scenarios I create in my mind.

I hope that one day I will replace the imaginary versions of success in my head with real ambition, real effort, and real action.

Not just dreaming about the person I want to become, but becoming her.

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Three days ago, I met a boy on the bus.

Well… “met” isn’t exactly the right word.

I’d been seeing him for months on my way home from school. We go to different schools, but somehow our routes always crossed. He had this effortlessly cool style, and at some point, he even smiled at me once. That tiny moment stayed with me for weeks.

When school ended, the only thing I could think was, Will I ever see him again? I caught one last glimpse of him on the final day before summer break, and I genuinely thought that was it.

Then, three days ago, the universe surprised me.

I got on the bus, looked around… and the only empty seat was the one right next to him.

My heart started racing.

Even sitting beside him felt unreal. My legs were literally shaking. I immediately texted my friends because I couldn’t process what was happening. I played an artist I thought he liked and angled my phone just enough that he could see the screen.

As my stop got closer, I kept thinking, Nothing’s going to happen. I’ll just get off the bus like every other time.

Then, right before I stood up, he looked at me and asked for my Instagram.

I don’t think I’ve ever unlocked my phone with shakier hands.

I gave him my username, trying so hard to act normal, while my heart was doing absolute cartwheels. When I got off the bus, I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I almost tripped. I looked back, and he was smiling.

For a moment, it genuinely felt like the universe had decided to be on my side.

The first night, we didn’t get to talk much.

Partly because something unfortunate had happened to him that day, and partly because he got home pretty late. We only exchanged the usual getting-to-know-you questions. I was the one who sent the first message, and honestly, I didn’t mind.

The next morning, he replied a little late, but after that we talked for almost four hours straight.

I found out he dyes his own hair—which felt like the funniest coincidence because I was literally dyeing mine that day. He walked me through how he would do it, gave me tips, and somehow the conversation kept flowing from there. We talked about our families, our opinions on random things, music, hobbies… a little bit of everything.

He was incredibly polite, funny without trying too hard, and somehow his style was just as attractive as his personality.

By the time I went to bed, I was so excited that I could barely sleep.

The day after that—yesterday—we did it all over again.

We talked for hours that night too. He told me more stories about himself, I shared mine, and it finally felt like we were getting past the awkward “just met” stage. Every conversation felt a little easier than the last, a little more natural, a little more exciting.

I started thinking, Maybe this is actually going somewhere.

But this morning…

Things didn’t feel the way I expected them to.

This morning, everything changed.

We were in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation when he suddenly sent,

“By the way…”

You know when someone starts a message like that and you can already tell they’re about to explain something important?

Then another text came through.

“We’ve only known each other for about three days, but I want to tell you now so our friendship can continue with this in mind.”

For a split second, my heart started racing.

I genuinely thought he was about to say he didn’t just want to be friends. My brain managed to create an entire scenario in the few seconds before his next message arrived.

Then I read it.

“Maybe you haven’t realized, but I’m gay.”

And just like that…

Every little fantasy I’d accidentally built over the past few days collapsed in a single sentence.

It’s funny how your heart can spend months wondering if you’ll ever see someone again, celebrate when the universe finally gives you a chance, lose sleep because you’re so excited to talk to them…

…only to realize that the story you were imagining was never the story you were actually in.

For a moment, it felt like someone had pressed pause on everything I’d been feeling.

The strange part is…

I couldn’t be mad at him.

I still can’t.

Maybe I should have been. Maybe I should have been frustrated that I’d let myself get excited over something that was never going to happen. But how could I be angry at someone who had spent the last three days making me laugh more than I had in a while?

Someone who had been nothing but kind to me.

So we talked about it.

He told me he’d never fallen in love with a girl.

“Unfortunately,” he added with a little bit of humor.

For one embarrassingly hopeful second, my brain tried to bargain with reality.

Maybe he just hasn’t met the right girl yet.

It’s almost funny looking back, because I knew exactly how unrealistic that thought was. It wasn’t hope—it was denial trying to buy itself a few extra seconds.

After that, he told me a little about a guy he’d liked before.

And somehow… the conversation didn’t become awkward.

If anything, it became more comfortable.

The atmosphere felt incredibly safe. He started sending voice messages, which somehow made every reaction feel more genuine. It felt like he trusted me, and that made me trust him too.

He added me to his private account, and I added him to mine.

So we just… kept talking.

Eventually my phone battery started dying, and then, as if the timing couldn’t get any worse, the electricity went out. I told him I’d text him again in a bit, grabbed my wallet, and headed to the market.

Then the universe decided to confuse me all over again.

It turns out we live surprisingly close to each other.

I didn’t realize it at first.

About five minutes after I got home, he texted me saying he’d gone out. I asked the usual questions—“Where are you going?”—and he said he was heading to the ATM.

Only then did I realize he meant the ATM directly across from my apartment.

I rushed out to the balcony.

A few minutes later, I spotted him.

I texted him, and before I knew it, he walked right underneath my building. He looked up, waved at me, smiled… then walked by again and waved one more time.

I couldn’t stop smiling.

And somehow, the energy between us shifted again.

The conversation suddenly felt… different.

Not necessarily like two strangers who had decided to stay friends after an awkward conversation that morning. It almost felt playful—dare I say, flirty.

He told me he’d found a rose on the ground.

I joked, “I left it there for you.”

“How romantic,” he replied.

At one point, I accidentally hit my head on the balcony railing because I was too busy looking at him.

When I told him, he laughed and said,

“I guess I’m just that dazzling. Not because I’m impressive, of course.”

A few minutes later, he joked that this was probably the closest we’d ever get to hanging out.

Then he immediately followed it with, “Next time, come down to the market.”

And that’s where I am now.

Completely confused.

Because this morning he told me he was gay.

I believe him.

I respect that completely.

But then he smiles, waves at me twice, jokes with me, teases me, tells me to come see him next time…

…and my brain starts trying to solve a puzzle that probably doesn’t even exist.

Maybe this is simply what it feels like when someone is genuinely comfortable around you.

Or maybe I’m just someone who’s still learning that warmth doesn’t always mean romance.

Either way, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.

If I’m being completely honest…

A part of me still doesn’t want to let go of that tiny, irrational hope.

I know what he told me.

I know I should believe him—and I do.

But another part of me keeps whispering the same impossible thought:

Maybe he just hasn’t met the right girl yet.

I know how ridiculous that sounds. I know it’s probably just my heart trying to protect itself from disappointment. Maybe it’s denial. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. Maybe it’s simply because it’s easier to hold onto maybe than to accept never.

For now, I don’t even need anything to happen.

I just want to keep seeing him.

I want to wave at him from my balcony, laugh at his jokes, hear his voice messages, and keep talking the way we have these past few days.

Maybe, with time, those impossible hopes will quietly fade on their own.

Or maybe they’ll linger a little longer while I slowly learn that sometimes the people who make us happiest aren’t meant to become our love story.

And I think that’s the hardest part.

Not that I met someone who is gay.

But that I met someone who felt like the right person… at the wrong possibility.

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Throughout almost every conversation we have, he asks me the same questions over and over again. “Why are you so cold?” “Why do you take so long to reply?” “Why are you like this?” “You should change.” “Don’t you want to talk with me?” At first, I kept trying to answer him, but eventually I realized I didn’t even have an answer for myself. The more he questioned my behavior, the more I started questioning why I was still there in the first place.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been talking to a guy, and I’m not even sure how to explain what this experience has been like. We are complete opposites in almost every possible way. Our personalities, the way we think, the things we enjoy, and even the way we communicate just don’t seem to match.

What confuses me the most is that I don’t even know why I’m still talking to him. I don’t enjoy our conversations, and they don’t make me feel happy or excited. If anything, they leave me feeling emotionally disconnected. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt this indifferent toward someone. There isn’t any anger or resentment; just a complete absence of feelings.

The strange part is that he also seems to realize we aren’t compatible. He knows we don’t really click, yet he keeps putting in effort and trying to make things work. I honestly don’t understand why. Maybe he sees something that I don’t, or maybe he’s simply hoping things will change over time. Whatever the reason is, I can’t relate to it.

Lately, continuing these conversations has started to feel like I’m betraying myself. It feels wrong to keep talking to someone when my heart isn’t in it and when I know I’m forcing myself to stay. I don’t want to lead anyone on or pretend that I’m feeling something I’m not.

The hardest part is that I can’t seem to feel anything at all, not even the slightest emotion. Sometimes I can tell that I’ve hurt him, although he can be a bit dramatic, so it’s difficult to know how much of it is genuine. Still, whenever something happens, I automatically apologize or tell him I’ll do better, almost as if it’s become a habit rather than something I truly mean.

He’s constantly unhappy with something. He complains that I reply too late, that my responses are cold, and that I seem distant and insincere. The truth is, he’s not entirely wrong. I know I come across that way because that’s exactly how I feel. I’m not emotionally invested, and I can’t force myself to be.

What I don’t understand is why he’s still here. He can clearly see that I’m not giving him what he wants, and yet he keeps trying. At the same time, I don’t know why I’m still here either. It feels like we’re both staying in a situation that isn’t making either of us happy, and I honestly can’t figure out what either of us is holding on to.

I used to believe that even if I wasn’t interested in someone at first, their consistent attention and effort could eventually grow into genuine feelings. I really thought emotions could develop with time if someone cared enough.

But now I’ve realized that’s not always true. Sometimes no matter how much someone tries, no matter how patient or persistent they are, the feelings just never come. And that’s okay. You can’t force yourself to feel something that simply isn’t there.

When I’m talking to him, I don’t truly feel present. It’s like my mind is always somewhere else, drifting toward the person, or maybe just the idea of the person; that I’ve always imagined would be right for me. Without even meaning to, I find myself comparing him to that ideal version in my head.

And then I catch myself asking the same question over and over again: Is this really what I want? Every conversation seems to leave me with more doubt than certainty, and instead of feeling closer to him, I feel even more disconnected from what we’re trying to build.

The possibility that he might actually like me makes me uncomfortable. And honestly, I think he probably does. I know the way I’ve handled this may seem wrong, and maybe it is. I understand how it could look from the outside.

But the truth is, I feel like I’m fooling myself more than anyone else. I feel like a clown, pretending that if I just keep trying, something inside me will eventually change. I keep asking myself why I’m putting in effort for someone I don’t genuinely have feelings for. I don’t know if I’m doing it out of guilt, habit, or because I don’t want to hurt him. All I know is that it doesn’t feel honest—to him or to myself.

Maybe I’m just waiting for the person I’ve imagined in my mind; the one who will truly understand me, even though I have no idea who that person is. Without realizing it, I compare everyone I meet to someone who doesn’t even exist yet.

Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe the standards I’ve created in my head are unrealistic. Or maybe I’m simply waiting for a connection that feels natural instead of something I have to force. I honestly don’t know which one it is. All I know is that I don’t want to convince myself to feel something just because I think I should.

Maybe one day I’ll realize that I’ve been expecting too much, or maybe I’ll meet someone who makes me understand why nothing ever felt right before. I don’t have that answer yet. For now, all I know is that pretending isn’t fair—to him or to me. Feelings can’t be negotiated, and they can’t be forced into existence simply because someone deserves them. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is accept the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

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We often hear wealthy people say, “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” I disagree.

Money may not create happiness by itself, but it opens the door to experiences, opportunities, and moments that make life more fulfilling. It allows you to sit with the people you love and enjoy the moment without constantly worrying about the cost. It gives you the freedom to invest in your dreams, your education, your passions, and your future.

Happiness can be found in simple things: taking your family out for dinner and choosing what you truly want instead of looking at the prices first; booking the trip you have always dreamed of; attending the concert of your favorite artist and seeing them from a seat close enough to make the experience unforgettable. Money does not directly create those emotions, but it makes those meaningful experiences accessible.

It can also help you become a better version of yourself. It gives you access to courses, books, travel, networking opportunities, and experiences that encourage personal growth. In that sense, money is not happiness itself—it is a tool that creates the conditions in which happiness can flourish.

Perhaps the most painful position to be in is growing up in a middle-class family while having ambitions and dreams that require resources far beyond what is available to you. That is the reality I know. I did not choose the circumstances I was born into, and I believe that wanting a comfortable, even luxurious, life is not something to be ashamed of. It is a goal that motivates me to work harder every day.

At the same time, I am afraid. Many of the careers I dream about do not come with financial guarantees, and that uncertainty is frightening. Growing up while constantly worrying about money and the future leaves a mark on a person. Even a child who never has to think about whether their family can afford something is already carrying a privilege that many others do not have.

That is why I cannot wholeheartedly accept the phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness.” Money cannot solve every problem, and it cannot replace love, purpose, or meaningful relationships. However, it can reduce stress, create opportunities, provide security, and allow people to experience moments that bring genuine joy. For that reason, I do not believe money buys happiness directly. I believe it buys freedom, possibilities, and valuable moments—and those things are often deeply connected to happiness.

Sometimes, I wish I had grown up without the constant stress of the future and the financial pressures that seem to follow every decision. I wish I could have simply lived in the moment, the way many people do, without feeling like every dream has to be measured against its cost.

And honestly, I believe that if those doors opened by money had been available to me, I would have felt happiness in many of the moments spent behind them. Not because money itself is happiness, but because it creates the freedom to experience life without constantly carrying the weight of worry.

More than wealth, what I envy is the peace of mind that often comes with it—the ability to make plans without fear, to pursue opportunities without calculating every risk, and to enjoy the present without being haunted by the future. A stress-free life, lived on my own terms, is one of my greatest wishes.

I do not long for money simply for the sake of having it. I long for what it can provide: security, freedom, and the chance to breathe without feeling trapped by uncertainty. What I truly envy is not wealth itself, but the feeling of being able to live fully, happily, and freely with a calm mind. I want to experience that feeling too.

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I really hate how people call bullies “divas” or act like they want to be them.

I don’t know what your problem is, girl, but you’re living in the real world, not some movie. You’re not Regina George from Mean Girls or Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body.

Being rude isn’t confidence. Being cruel isn’t iconic.

Yes, I love teenage girl movies. I love Regina George. I love Jennifer’s Body. I love all the drama, the fashion, the chaos.

But those characters are entertaining because they’re fictional.

In real life, being mean doesn’t make you iconic. It just makes you mean.

You’re supposed to watch Mean Girls and realize how insecurity, jealousy, and cruelty hurt everyone involved. You’re supposed to watch Jennifer’s Body and understand that beneath all the confidence and beauty is loneliness, pain, and destruction.

Instead, some people watched these movies and decided that being mean was a personality trait.

Being intimidating isn’t the same as being powerful.

Being rude isn’t the same as being confident.

Being emotionally unavailable isn’t the same as being mysterious.

And humiliating other people doesn’t make you iconic.

What made those characters interesting wasn’t their cruelty. It was their complexity. They were fictional girls written to tell a story. Their flaws were the point.

Real life is different.

In real life, the girls I admire most aren’t the ones who make everyone else feel small when they walk into a room. They’re the ones who are intelligent, kind, ambitious, and secure enough not to treat every interaction like a competition.

The most impressive girls I’ve ever met don’t need to prove they’re better than anyone else.

They don’t build confidence by tearing other people down.

They don’t confuse cruelty with strength.

And honestly, I think some people are so obsessed with becoming Regina George that they forget what happened to her in the end.

You can love the movie without wanting to become the villain.

Some of you watched teenage girl movies for the aesthetic and completely missed the lesson.

At this point, the “diva” community is becoming unintentionally funny.

Bullying people isn’t iconic. It isn’t glamorous. It doesn’t make you powerful.

You’re not the leader of a friend group in a 2000s teen movie. You’re not Regina George. You’re not the queen bee of the school hallway.

You’re just being rude.

A real diva doesn’t spend her time humiliating people online, making others feel small, or acting like she’s above everyone else. That’s not confidence. That’s insecurity wearing expensive sunglasses.

Some of you are so busy trying to look unbothered, intimidating, and superior that you’ve forgotten how normal people interact with each other.

Stop performing. Stop acting.

The funniest part is that the girls who are genuinely confident never have to announce it. They don’t need a title. They don’t need followers. They don’t need to convince everyone they’re important.

The “diva” act only works when everyone around you agrees to believe it.

And trust me, most people are just watching and cringing.

You don’t need to change yourself just to be popular, or whatever we’re calling that shit these days.

Just be yourself. Relax. Be chill.

You don’t need to act cold, intimidating, or rude to seem interesting.

The constant attitude is exhausting.

Being kind doesn’t make you boring. Being genuine doesn’t make you weak. And being loud for attention doesn’t make you iconic.

Just stop trying so hard and be a normal person, girl.

And sometimes being Cady is worse than being Regina.

At least Regina knew exactly who she was.

You’re not Regina.

You’re Cady.

The version of Cady who spent so much time trying to become Regina that she lost herself in the process.

The difference is that Cady eventually realized she was becoming someone she never wanted to be.

Some of you never get that part.

You copy the attitude, the superiority complex, the obsession with being above everyone else, and then wonder why people don’t actually like you.

You wanted to be Regina George so badly that you forgot she wasn’t the hero of the story.

And now you’re stuck as a copy of a villain who was never meant to be admired in the first place.

It’s all so absurd.

Just be a person.

You don’t need to be a diva, an “it girl,” a mean girl, an alpha, a queen bee, or whatever new label people invent next week.

Just be a person.

Talk to people. Be kind. Have opinions. Make mistakes. Laugh at yourself. Grow up. Live your life.

Not every interaction has to be a power move. Not every friendship is a competition. Not every room needs a hierarchy.

The internet has convinced people that they need to turn themselves into a character, but real life isn’t a movie.

You’re not Regina George.

You’re not Cady Heron.

You’re not the main villain or the main character.

You’re just a person.

And honestly, that’s enough.

Thanks for reading. See you in the next page of my thoughts ﾒ૦ﾒ૦💋

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