This passage from the unofficial prequel to Jane Eyre (!) really moves me. It moves me because it touches a profound pain I became consciously aware of a few years ago, namely my inability to reconcile these two longings within myself: to be true to myself and be in relationship. Which is the angle I’m going to take below (sorry if you read this another way). I know so many of us feel on a deep level, this seeming contradiction between two essential relationships: connexion to Self and connexion to others. All or nothing.

Although time alone can be immensely resourcing and supportive for relationships (I recommend reading Liberated Love by Kylie McBeath and Marc Groves), when the reasons for being alone are based on fear, escape of emotions, conflict, discomfort - ie. fear of the mirror effect the other will have on us - then we do not grow.

Inversely, when we enter into relationships to fill a void or escape from our own lives and responsibilities, to become a “femme fondue” (a moldable woman, expression quoted by Mona Chollet in In Defense of Witches), we also enter into a losing game where two people do not make a whole.

“A lot of us have lost touch with (or have never known) the purpose of relationships. When we lose sight of each other as sacred souls on a sacred journey, then we cannot see the purpose behind all relationships.” Erich Fromm’s definition of love is often cited in this regard: “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

All that to say: relationships are beautiful and necessary. Whatever the shape your relating takes, you are learning something about yourself. Within respectful and loving relationships we can find space to love and nurture the parts of ourselves that believe in the negative and difficult stories we tell about ourselves, or have been told by others. We can find great joy and great healing within these relationships. Galina Singer writes: True romance is learning to love the person in front of us.

Big, huge, non-negotiable emphasis on within respectful and loving relationships - let’s not forget Rhys’ protagonist was treated terribly (and later became the madwoman in the attic) - in which we don’t need to choose between being loved or being alone, but where we have the space to explore the Other and the Self simultaneously.

Letting oneself fully express is a layered, complicated thing, and yet so simple in that it requires a feeling of safety. Safety ultimately exists within ourselves, but it can be greatly encouraged and fortified within a shared space with another. What a gift to meet someone who gives that to you.

We need to feel safe to express our true selves (you cannot self-regulate in a dysregulated environment), something I am still struggling with outside of very intimate long-term relationships, with the exception of a couple of soul-understanding, no-expectations encounters. Thanks to this kind of love we learn that both longings do not fight each other, bur rather, bring out our full humanness, warts and all.

Perhaps we need to change the rules of relationships, to have open conversations based on our own needs, desires, and boundaries, to let go of expectations dictated to us by our collective societies - and to change the rules within these. And finally, to redefine what it means to have autonomy within a relationship.

“Autonomy (…) does not mean an absence of ties, but the possibility of forming relationships that respect our integrity and our free will, and that foster our flourishing rather than hinder it - whatever way we choose to live, whether single or in a relationship, with or without children.” Mona Chollet, Resister à la Culpabilisation (my translation)

Some tips on how to stay centered when you feel your autonomy slipping away:

Creative practice

The above paragraph (quite depressingly) encompasses my personal experience and learnings when it comes to creativity. Nurturing your creativity is KEY!!! Show up every day. Whatever form it takes. Some people I love who write about the importance of unapologetic creativity:

- The Creative Act by Rick Rubin

- The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

- On dharma: Erick Godsey

- Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

- Nick Cave’s writing process

Mindfulness practice

If you do not have a silence/mindfulness practice, start taking at least five minutes a day to sit in silence. There are many different practices which suit different people, so take some time to explore. Simple methods to start with could be a five minute body-scan, from the toes to the crown of your head, or breathing slowly for five minutes. I recommend the app Insight Timer if you would like some guidance.

Community

More details here

Time & trust - Compassion & love

Build safety for yourself over time. And give yourself compassion when you revert to old habits. It’s a practice.

If this resonates then sign up here for the Codependents Club community - or follow us on social media.

*“L’autonomie (…) ne signifie pas l’absence de liens, mais la possibilité de nouer des liens qui respectent notre intégrité, notre libre arbitre, qui favorisent notre épanouissement au lieu de l’entraver, et cela quel que soit notre mode de vie, seule ou en couple, avec ou sans enfants.’ Mona Chollet, Resister à la Culpabilisation

and

You never know what will be the consequences of misfortune

→→→ A shorter one today (I’m keeping baring my soul a more sporadic thing).
If you don’t want to read, skip directly to the video. ←←←

That which we truly cherish and revere is protected by our own reverence. I’ve recently come back to this sentence, written by Dr. David Hawkins, in the context of LETTING GO, the seemingly abstract art of not attaching to any experience, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’. This means relaxing everything when faced with anything: relax your muscles, your brain, your heart, let go of any tension, let emotions flow through you. Mystics call this non-attachment.

Until practiced, this can feel counterintuitive. I do something to reach a certain outcome. I should do this to get there.

Behind this is often a reaching for control, a way to assert oneself and perhaps even give meaning to our lives. We lack trust in the greater picture. There is fear in not knowing where we are being taken, whether we are on the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path. (Incidentally: when do we know we are on our path? When we cannot see it. If we can see it, we are on someone else’s path.)

And: within these false certainties we miss the magic of life.

How do we know what experiences are ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ for us?

Here’s an old Chinese proverb (mandatory watching):

‘Good’ or ‘bad’ might come from the amalgamation of experiences we’ve had and the ones we’ve seen; and yet we cannot see the whole picture.

The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad - because you never know what will be the consequence of the misfortune; or, you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune. Alan Watts

How can we have reverence for the magic of our lives? If we cherish Beauty and Love, can we honor their greatness and all-encompassing presence by simply relinquishing into them? And acknowledge, despite the protestations of our ego, that we are held by them?

This doesn’t mean not taking action → Let your intuition lead

Have we also taken the time to understand what is true to us? Are we acting accordingly? Are we striving for an outcome that has nothing to do with us? To answer these questions we need to give space for our intuition to guide us.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’re worried about not doing what you need to do while you’re here, remember that by letting go of an outcome, you give space for your intuition to speak.

Lester Levenson used to say, ‘Intuition is only right 100 percent of the time.’ Until you can tell the difference between your intuition and your emotional reactions, you may find this hard to accept. So, use the process of letting go to distinguish more easily between them. Simply release in the moment and pay attention. You’ll soon discover that as you let go of a limiting feeling, it diminishes or disappears, whether intuition simply gets clearer and quieter when you release. You cannot release intuition. In fact, the more you release, the more intuitive you’ll be—without even needing to let go in the moment.” Laura Lynne Jackson

Try it with the small things: when your phone breaks, you miss your train, your electricity bill is higher than usual. Breathe, and let the emotions flow though you. Relax your whole body, let go of the tension. Practice this and notice the outcome.

I’ve noticed that when I let go in those moments, these situations usually resolve themselves quickly and with ease.

The key word here being ease. If anything, living like this will just make your life so. much. more. enjoyable.

Leaving you with these words from Anita Moorjani after her near death experience (NDE) which healed her stage 4 lymphatic cancer:

Since my NDE, I’ve learned that strongly held ideologies actually work against me. Needing to operate out of concrete beliefs limits my experiences because it keeps me within the realm of only what I know-and my knowledge is limited. And if I restrict myself to only what I’m able to conceive, I’m holding back my potential and what I allow into my life. However, if I can accept that my understanding is incomplete, and if I’m able to be comfortable with uncertainty, this opens me up to the realm of infinite possibilities.

I’m at my strongest when I’m able to let go, when I suspend my beliefs as well as disbeliefs, and leave myself open to all possibilities. That also seems to be when I’m able to experience the most internal clarity and synchronicities. My sense is that the very act of needing certainty is a hindrance to experiencing greater levels of awareness. In contrast, the process of letting go and releasing all attachment to any belief or outcome is cathartic and healing.

Resources:

• Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins → a thorough analysis of the process of letting go.

• The Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell → a more poetic approach on letting go.

• Anita Moorjani, Dying To Be Me → what happens when we recognize our true selves (we literally don’t die)

• To be Magnetic → for support in finding your authentic self

<3

This is not a commentary on the institution of marriage, rather one on the limitations of being a rosy-cheeked damsel in distress fed on fairytales of happily ever afters, now grappling with the implications of taking responsibility for her life.

My romantic relationship has recently been under strain from the inevitable and relentless fluctuations of life: death and illness in our immediate families, moving house, planning a wedding, going through joint finances for the first time, looking after our (big) dog, spending time with family, work difficulties. Decisions decisions decisions, emotions emotions emotions. All within the space of a few months. Add to these the pressure of keeping things romantic and having sex with someone with whom you are arguing about which tomatoes to buy (I’m exaggerating but you get the gist): decidedly unsexy.

This is all happening during our period of engagement; and for someone who believed marriage (or committed partnership) was the end of the affair, the beginning of my life, this has been a shock. And has occasionally left me wanting to run away like I have done when things get hard.

The below comment from a married family member neatly encapsulates what I’m coming to terms (and grips) with now:

Marriage is not the happy ending, it’s the beginning of a roller coaster.

Having lived my whole life seeing marriage as the finish line, and having lived completely detached from what happens within it, means I feel slightly unprepared for the turbulence. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

What have I learnt?

Although I’ve been given a myriad of tips and have talked through many potential scenarios, what I’ve learnt is not how to plan what I will do if or when xyz happens… whether I’ll change my name, what I would do if my partner sleeps with someone else, whether it’s natural or not to be with one person for 60 odd years, how we will discipline our children, or what happens if there is illness… all important conversations, but, at least for me, not the core of the matter at hand.

Because, as far as I can tell, COMMITMENT IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN ALL OF THESE. IT IS SO MUCH DEEPER, MORE SACRED, HOLY. Even though all these things make up the whole.

What I’m starting to catch on to, what I’m starting to truly understand, is that this experience is radically teaching me about myself, and all the beliefs and stories I’ve been living in. It is leading me to a deeper connexion to myself and others, a new understanding of what it means to Love and be Love - something found within deep commitment. I am being pushed to understand what I want. To make decisions, and to take responsibility for them, whether I get what (I think) I want or not.

It is also teaching me to look at my partner not as the rose-tinted answer to my life, but as the opportunity to truly let go, to practice non-attachment, and to Love according to Erich Fromm: “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”* To truly know oneself, and another.

How boring! How unromantic! says my romcom and TS** engorged brain. When we were long distance I used to say to my partner that I wanted us to do everyday things together, like wait for a bus. Now we’re doing the everyday things and it feels like the romance is gone. Romance is a slippery thing. Romance is only one form of Love. (I still am a sucker for romance, and loved this series of essays by Sophie Strand).

Partnership means being true to yourself over and over again, while letting someone else be true to themselves over and over. And meeting somewhere in the middle. Knowing yourself so well with a mirror standing opposite you. Maybe that’s the most romantic thing of all?

Why am I so unprepared?

I wonder how many people walk down the aisle and wonder how they got there. I know it happens throughout marriages. And our lives too. How the fuck did I get here?

Here are some of my theories/experiences/questions as a straight 31 year old white European woman. I use the first person here - but I know I’m not the only one.

• I spent my whole life trying not to be single/being subliminally told I shouldn’t be single but never knowing what true partnership actually entails. Most tales of love (rom coms) I’ve seen are either not helpful or just plain unhelpful.

• These tales almost always centre men, despite the protagonist being a woman.

• I don’t know what I really want because I have always outsourced my needs/taken on other people’s needs. The biggest gift I have EVER been given is being asked what I want.

• I have also outsourced my decisions, usually to the men in my life, and absolved myself from responsibility (which leads to resentment).

• I fixated on the partnership as a way to bypass myself, when true partnership means facing myself completely. And not always looking for the easy way out or to reject responsibility when things get hard.

• I believed throughout my life the ultimate goal was marriage, without ever thinking about what marriage really means. Had no idea actually. Usually because we are so focused on the wedding.

• Also… we wait for the man to choose us? He’s the one who asks! And a lot of the time we don’t think about whether we choose them. Just like being on a date wondering whether they like us instead of asking ourselves if we like them.

• So how am I supposed to go into relationship and make HUGE DECISIONS (choosing your partner is probably the most important decision you will make in your life) without having any understanding of myself?

The Jane Austen effect

Like many other eligible young women I recently watched The Other Bennet Sister (BBC); a friend (and co Austen devotee) also watched it and commented how rare it is to see a romantic couple be friends, laugh together, be vulnerable and be themselves, together! Incidentally, the story is a spin-off of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, a masterpiece and also culprit for my fantasies of marriage. Even the headstrong heroine ends up a bride, with the added perk of becoming mistress of a beautiful home; which would never have been possible without a man due to English property law. Let’s not forget the impact of centuries of systemic cultural, economic, social, political, and physical subservience of women. P&P was representative of the (generalized) reality of the time: be married or be miserable.

But The Other Bennet Sister also acknowledges you can be married and be miserable. So how do we commit without resentment? How can we be in relationship without losing ourselves?

I’ve learnt that while it’s important to acknowledge and understand the impact of patriarchal systems, assigning blame only leads to more resentment and shirking of responsibility. To go forwards I need to take the reins and make my own decisions (yes, it hurts). So come with me as I learn to take responsibility for my life, my actions, and my decisions. Help!

Questions to ask yourself before you commit to anything

• Am I going into this from a place of lack or from a place of wholeness?

• Why am I saying yes? Am I doing it to give my life purpose/meaning? Or because I really want to.

• Can I go into this without expectations?

• Can I also take responsibility for my expectations?

• Where did I learn what makes a good relationship? Does this still apply in my life now?

• What are my personal goals? Does this partnership serve them?

Some things I have learnt (we all love a list)

• No one has the same experience in relationships. Every relationship is different, and every single person is different.

• That being said, you can learn from other’s experiences. But instead of using these as a guide to what to do, use them as a guide back to yourself.

• No one is responsible for your emotions other than you. They are simply pointing you back towards parts of yourself that need some love and attention. This one is hard to acknowledge. (Being in an abusive relationship is very different.)

• There is very little information and support out there around how to be true to oneself and be in relationship. It’s not so easy to do, I’m still figuring it out.

• You have to put yourself first, and your partner puts themselves first, and you decide on the places where you meet each other together.

• We all fight differently; and there are also rules to good clean fighting. Some of my favorites: take some time to calm down if you start to feel overly emotional; if you have something to say, say it (as calmly as possible).

• Try to have compassion for yourself and others. Life can be rough.

Here’s another great list from Galina Singer who has opened my eyes around so many things re relationships.

if this resonates then sign up here for the Codependents Club community - coming soon

Some resources

• Liberated Love by Kylie McBeath and Mark Groves

• Galina Singer, the wisest relating coach

• Yung Pueblo’s app for couples: Ready

• Perdita Finn on asking for help

• Women Who Run with the Wolves to understand the female psyche

• Codependents Club for community

• Learn about rituals for these times of transition: Bruce Feiler on Elise Loehnen’s podcast

*Consider that marriage is a “fortress for well being.” It’s something bigger than ourselves but it is also something that comes with a big responsibility to look outwardly at humanity and, together, seek to help others grow as much as we help each other. A comment on Instagram.

**That’s Taylor Swift to you

“Grief is a declaration of love; we grieve because we care, because we feel loss for the part of life that has dropped away. Grief work, then, is a declaration of our humanity, a return to the path of the soul.” Thomas Hübl

My youngest brother Eustache died at the end of February. He was 27 years old and had recently been diagnosed with schizophrenic disorder.

This is not an educational article about schizophrenia, although it is something I’d like to talk more about as I learn more. To give you an idea, 0.45% of the global adult population have been diagnosed, ie. approximately 37 million people. You can find some more information and resources at the end of the article.

Nor is it a memorial of Stash’s life (you can read my brother Auguste’s beautiful post about Stash, with whom he shares a close bond and many adventures and memories); although his life is a testament to the below.

As I sit in the confusion and sadness of Stash’s death, I want to talk about love.

About the love that existed beneath his illness, about the love that has submerged me and held me over the past months. I want to talk about love not so much as a plea to you to remember to love, but as a reminder to myself for the moments when heaviness and dullness overtake me and I forget about the beauty of life, about the currents of love which keep me alive.

Although it is natural - and necessary - to experience darkness in grief, I want to remind myself through these glimpses of the light which is always present, no matter how deep you go. That within this darkness there is new life being created. It is also a way of paying attention to what still is, and what will never be lost.

Love doesn’t always appear where we expect it, but when it does it is unmistakable. There is a love under everything that is holding me and means I can feel everything, all my emotions, without breaking. It means I can enter the darkness and learn what I need to learn without losing myself. Actually, the more I go there and the more my heart opens, the more anchored I become.

“Without some measure of intimacy with grief, our capacity to be with any other emotion or experience in our life is greatly compromised.”*

Moments of knowing the omnipresence of love

“It takes outrageous courage to face outrageous loss.”*

> Combing through Stash’s art from the past five + years. Listening to his musical compositions. So grateful for the years of work he has left us. So grateful for the energy he poured into his work, despite the negative symptoms of the disorder he experienced (difficulty in making decisions, disorganised thinking, lack of motivation). Imagining he is sitting upstairs in his room drawing, black ink on white 140gsm paper.

> The generosity of friends and family who accepted my tears, sometimes even crying with me. Do not be scared of tears, do not be scared of emotions. Find places where you are safe to express them. Grief just needs to be witnessed. The more you express and feel, the more life will open to you.

> Three special weeks laughing and crying together with my two other brothers and our parents. Crying in each other’s arms, huddled together. I will never forget these moments. Being in nature, walking for hours with our dog Roly. On one of our walks we came across two trees dancing together, one leaning towards the other as the other leaned backwards, a gesture that will last 500 years.

> Calling the restaurant for our father’s birthday to let them know there will be five of us for dinner, not six. My mother toasting Stash at the table, tears streaming down our faces. The amount of love you feel is directly proportionate to the amount of grief you are able to feel.

> The five of us getting into an Uber on our way to see Stash one last time before the funeral. We are finalising the last details for the mass, when our driver turns around and asks us the name of the organist. Seeing our surprise he tells us his son is a professional organist, and would we like to hear him play? Of course, we say, and it turns out he is the only professional organist in France who also sings. We start to weep as we hear the music, silently thanking Stash, a classical music lover, for this gift. We share with this lovely man what has just happened in our family, he is in total shock. At the end of the ride he offers us some beautiful and comforting words. We know Stash is here with us!

> The surge of life which emerges from death. The desire to start a family. The realisation I was ready to marry the man lying next to me, supporting me through this time. Learning weeks later (when he did ask me) that he had planned to ask me the weekend Stash died.

> The depth of love which exists within people. The below words from my friend Bianca:

I want to tell you that I love you and you have been in my prayers so strongly. I prayed God could fill you with extra love to help soften and warm your heart. I prayed you could see with his eyes and feel with his emotions this situation in the light of love.

This photo sent by my friend Eliza a few days after Stash’s death:

> The funeral mass. The letter from a distant friend. “He was truly present, and without having known him, the mass was an encounter with him, and a homage to his intelligence, his faith, his sensitivity.”

> Planting a Japanese cherry tree together, Stash’s tree. Our five pairs of hands in the dirt, trying to make sure the tree will be in the best position possible. Laughing at the amount of trees our father has planted on his own in the wind and rain which we refused to help him with. Now here we are all together, the only place we can be.

> Seeing Stash for the first time after his death, the five of us surrounding him. His peaceful, adult face, devoid of the psychological suffering which had taken a physical toll. He was still present, an opportunity for us to say goodbye. A gift, we were told by the psychologist accompanying us. She was an angel. My friend Eliza once told me there are earth angels in hospitals to help guide new souls into the world. I now know there are angels for souls leaving this world.

> The poem Stash published the day before he died. I wish I had picked up the phone and called him to tell him how beautiful it was.

Eustache’s Substack

Sidouane and the Five Surgeons

Many mornings ago, in the distant night, when sand still lay like powder on the dusty soil of Mars, when the liquid of life did not yet flow through any canyon, when the hills were barren of tree, and grass, and flower, our planet shook with the cries of a thousand voices, as before us, heralded by the night, came forth Sidouane, the Great One, Nurturer…

Read more

6 months ago · 2 likes · Eustache

> “My love, I was so wrong. Dying is the opposite of leaving.” The phrase I held onto tightly as we walked into the room to see Stash for the first time since his death. From the late Andrea Gibson’s musings on death.

Things That Don't Suck

Love Letter From The Afterlife

I love you Sweet Community…

Listen now

3 years ago · 2533 likes · 167 comments · Andrea Gibson

> The surprise birth of a lamb the day Stash died. The attack by our dog and the lamb’s subsequent injury which I nursed with my brothers Hilaire and Gus, trying to keep him warm. He died in our arms that night.

> Some words which came to me during one of the times grief coursed through me:

Can I even begin to tell you of the love I’ve felt?

My head bowed
With the heaviness of grief,
And the weight of Love
We are being asked to hold.

My head bowed
With the desire to hand everything over,
With the realization that nothing is mine,
That I am being led.

> A reminder of why we need to talk about illness, about death, about difficulty. Why nothing needs to be a secret: Going for a walk with a friend and one of her friends, who I had only met briefly before. Telling them about Stash, about his symptoms over the past ten years. The friend seeing parallels in his story and her younger sister’s, who is struggling with undiagnosed mental disorders. A reminder to keep sharing and connecting.

How to see angels?

Open your heart. The more you express and feel, the more life will open to you.

Some resources:

Please add yours in the comments!

Mental health (in France):

• UNAFAM

• La Maison Perchée

Grief:

• The Grief Space

• *The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller → A wonderful book on grieving in all its forms and for all its reasons: death of a loved one, of the planet, of a relationship and so on.

• Any of the poet Andrea Gibson’s writing.

• Grief specialist David Kessler on IG.

• All There Is stories of grief.

• Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson (“A renowned psychic medium teaches us how to recognize and interpret the life-changing messages from loved ones and spirit guides on the Other Side.”)

• Loss of A Lifetime Substack for sibling loss.

• This podcast episode featuring Rachel Goldberg-Polin on the loss of her son after the 7th October 2023, beautiful and important (even more than a political opinion).

I am starting a monthly online circle, open to all, to support with courage and devotion to your life and work. Think of it as a support group/creative group/self-expression group. I’m calling it the “Year of the Cringe”. Each session will include group creative project sharing & accountability, guided visualisations, tools & resources after each session, and more depending on our needs!

The first one will take place on Sunday 1st March @ 7pm CET. To join, you can either become a paying subscriber or message me directly to book your spot.

I’ve been working on an article tying together the beauty industry, our disconnexion from God, the Epstein files, Mary Magdalene, and figure skating, but realised it was fairly ambitious so needed some more time and love. So, in the meantime, I’m sending you this list of resources & tools that have been supporting me during this time of collective descent and rebirth.

There’s a classic trope in storytelling called the Hero’s Journey, coined by Joseph Campbell,1 where a hero hears a call, ventures out into the unknown to confront his fear -which manifests in exterior factors-, finds a previously unknown source of trust and support to help him confront his fear, and then eventually returns to his community, bringing with him his knowledge and growth. You’ve probably encountered this arc before, whether you like classics (Dante’s Inferno) or cartoons (Pixar), or simply because this is the arc of a life well-lived.

Recently I came across the Heroine’s Journey2, a feminine interpretation of this arc in that it is a more literal search inwards. The call will be something very personal and interior, usually an illness or a debilitating pattern or behavior, caused by a separation from the true Self while trying to live in a world not designed for the feminine. Mine was my experience with Long Covid, yours might be a challenging relationship, an eating disorder, chronic illness, general unease. Although both men and women experience both these journeys, this journey usually speaks more to women, as the very traditional aspects of adventure (fighting and traveling) are not always as accessible to us.

The beauty of these arcs is that they are in fact circles, as we are called into the depths over and over again, each time shedding layers that aren’t really ours - and we often don’t have a choice as to whether we choose to engage or not. Both cycles have similar beats, including the crucial impact of finding allies in the shape of mentors and supportive community - with the ultimate goal being collective liberation.

So, below are some resources, tools, and communities to keep your head above water and to stay connected to yourself.

If you’re looking for community:

• Around relationships: A monthly Live Coaching Session with Galina Singer, every last Tuesday of the month @ 6:30pm CET. Galina changed my life with her insights into relating & learning to respect and love myself as an adult (vs being stuck in my childish behaviours). Sign up to her newsletter and/or message me if you’d like to join.

• Around spirituality & wisdom: Woven Women has been my favourite space to go deep with other women, and to learn from AMAZING speakers and teachers. They have just launched a membership which allows you to explore their web live.

• Around business: Grace Abbott from How To Go Freelance gives amazing tips on being a freelancer, and offers a bi-monthly space to work together online when you sign up to her newsletter. Perfect place to network.

• Around food & health: the Tame Your Gut community run by Sarah Eisen <3 I love this because it’s not about fixing anything, it’s about reconnecting to your body and “healing your gut, hormones & energy without extremes”, all science-backed.

• Around money: Join Margot de Broglie’s weekly Money Circle, every Wednesday. Margot’s approach helps you change your habits both in the way you think about money and how you handle it.

If you want to stay involved and informed politically (everything is political):

• Follow The Slow Factory for a political analysis of the cultural.

• Read the Chris Hedges report for in-depth insights and analysis of ongoing political decisions and movements.

• Watch this webinar on advaya for a loving spin on politics.

• Follow Venetia LaManna who creatively links the political to your lifestyle choices. For those who usually turn a blind eye but feel the push to change. Also she’s just incredibly inspiring in her devotion.

To open your heart:

• Watch Queer Eye. Nothing to say here except my heart is blown open each time I watch an episode.

• Read Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files. From an artist and poet whose heart has also been blown open by grief and God.

• Practice this adaptation of the buddhist Metta prayer to get over your ex and change the world.

• Read Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani, the story of a woman whose terminal cancer abruptly disappeared (medically monitored) when she confronted her fear.

• Listen to The Telepathy Tapes, life is so much deeper and wider than you think.

For courage (the act of loving passionately):

• Join our monthly accountability group, first one is happening this Sunday ! Message me for more information.

• Listen to Africa Brooke on integrity over everything. “It’s the Truth or nothing.”

• Join a Füde Experience dinner, “a liberating space that celebrates our most pure selves through soul nourishing plant based food, art, nudity & self-love.”

• Read Perdita Finn’s article on ANGER and support in your sacred rage.

And find your local communities as well! In-person rules.

I love you!

Ophélie

I do know that the past year has been about unveiling and shedding, and that as of today we turn towards COURAGE, ACTION, AND DEVOTION. What do those mean to you? Where have you been hiding? What patterns or fears have come to light in moments of darkness? Where have you been outsourcing your decisions and intuition? Where do you need to take responsibility? Where have you been holding back your joy? Can you acknowledge the voice within telling you some uncomfortable truths? Can you take action on them? Can you trust where your soul wants to take you? What will you devote yourself to?1

Below are my answers to these questions, and the commitments I am making to myself this year, for your eyes only. I would love to hear yours too.

An old friend of mine never changes character whatever the situation or whoever the person. When I was younger I thought it was a weakness, that it meant she couldn’t fit in everywhere, unlike me, who could bend in and out of shape to make space for another person, rarely settling in my truthful shape (except with one or two of my closest friends and my direct family). “Integrity means only having one self.”2

I’ve been afraid of a lot of things throughout my life. Flying, having money, not having money, speaking in public, being successful, not being successful, being kicked by a horse, being seen, not being seen, being responsible for my emotions and for my life, expressing myself, saying no, trusting my intuition. These are all understandable, if not always rational, fears. Yet it’s difficult to dismiss these as irrational when they all imply a possibility of rejection or lack of control, and therefore, of death.

These fears are governed by a desire to belong, carved by biological imperative, societal patterns and expectations, historical and generational gender roles. Life is lived through the prism of our past experiences, whether in this life or your ancestor’s (or even in a past life, if you partake!). The effort of breaking through these is invisible but so fffing real.

So, if my fears lie in lack of control and lack of (perceived) existence, I will focus on taking responsibility for what I can control -my actions- and for what makes me feel alive -creating & feeling-. And let go of the rest.

This year, I will devote myself to truthful self-expression, integrity, and creativity, whatever the cost. Help!

I am committed to:

• Stopping and listening to the truthful answer within me, before reacting. If it is too difficult to act on, I will at least acknowledge it.

• Saying no when I mean no. Or let me think about it when I’m not sure.

• Creating every day: writing, filming, ideating. Creating means channelling ideas and art for a greater purpose, bringing resonating experiences and new ideas into the world.

• Sharing what I create: for me this means posting this newsletter every week and posting on social media 5x week. Despite the occasional sense of dread and clenched heart.

• Breathing through the tension and fear, relaxing my muscles and heart, letting any stuck emotions flow through me.

• Asking for support <3

What about you? Think of these as devotions, instead of resolutions.

Some wisdom and resources that have reached me in some way over the past few years.

(No AI was used to collate this list.)

In no particular order:

1. “The spirit of evil is the negation of the life-force by fear. Only boldness can deliver us from fear. If the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated”.3

2. The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck. Martha Beck, mother, wife, multiple Harvard degrees, was chronically ill for many years until one day she decided to not lie for a year. She lost everything and found her health and her Self. “You can always find help if you’re willing to walk the path of your integrity. Don’t get pulled into the story of your culture, find integrity. Find all the places inside yourself where the things you believe aren’t true for you, this is the source of all suffering. The single reason for psychological suffering is believing something in the mind which is not true at the deepest level.”

3. Marianne Williamson: “If we think we’re magnificent creatures with an infinite abundance of love and power to give, then we tend to behave that way.”

4. Africa Brooke: “BE MORE AFRAID OF SELF-REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT THAN OUTER REJECTION.”

5. Rochelle Webster-Nemhard: “ I had to die to every facet of me who didn’t believe I was worthy to create.”

6. “We cling to the cage and the structures which keep us safe. We become comfortable with our cages.” Carissa Schumacher on Elise Loehnen’s podcast.

7. Women Who Run With the Wolves: “To adjoin the instinctual nature does not mean to come undone, change everything from left to right, from black to white, to move the east to west, to act crazy or out of control. It does not mean to lose one’s primary socializations, or to become less human. It means quite the opposite. The wild nature has a vast integrity to it. It means to establish territory, to find one’s pack, to be in one’s body with certainty and pride regardless of the body’s gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one’s behalf, to be aware, alert, to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing, to come into one’s cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as possible.”

8. According to Living Anatomy, the integrity of the body is wholeness; when we take a scalpel to the body, we lose its integrity.

9. “The mind cries out, explains, demonstrates, protests; but inside me a voice rises and shouts at it,"Be quiet, mind, let us hear the heart!” Nikos Kazantzakis, Report to Greco

10. Wild Power: “Over centuries, consistently denying, interrupting and overriding inner knowledge has caused a subtle insult to the integrity of our being women. It continues today, and will do so as long as we deny the deep reality.”

11. If you’re a parent, according to Jung: “The greatest burden a child must bear is the un-lived life of the parent. The child will be stuck at the same level or spend their life trying to get unstuck. To live your life with a sense of purposefulness and risk and a willingness to venture into that is freeing for every child.”

12. The Artist’s Way: practical spiritual advice for creativity.

13. Structure!!! Within structure there is freedom. I recommend Flynn Skidmore’s goal implementation guide to help you hold yourself accountable.

14. Dune’s litany: I must not fear/Fear is the mind-killer/Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration/I will face my fear/I will permit it to pass over me and through me/And when it has gone past/I will turn the inner eye to see its path/Where the fear has gone/There will be nothing/Only I will remain. I like to recite this when my heart starts to clench.

“We all need to find what supports us when nothing supports us.” → Join an accountability group!

If you need some help on this, I am starting a monthly online circle, open to all. Think of it as a support group/creative group/self-expression group/story-telling group/sharing group. I’m calling it the “Year of the Cringe” group.

Each session will include:

• Group creative project sharing & accountability

• Guided visualisations

• Tools & resources after each session

• And more depending on our needs!

The first one will take place on Sunday 1st March @ 7pm CET. To join, you can either become a paying subscriber or message me directly here to book your spot.

Subscribe now

I love you! Ophélie

P.S: This year also asks for:

• A big, open heart: a horse has an electromagnetic field 5x the size of a human’s

• Sending love to the people (you think) you hate

• Being open to lessons arriving in ways we don’t want and don’t expect!

• The importance of regulating before trying to bring anything into being

If you’d like to receive more regular writing & have access to our monthly circle you can ↓

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Last month I spent two weeks in India,* during which, if I’m honest (I always am), I was hoping to have some sort of deep spiritual experience. To keep things brief I’ll tell you now that I did not have one. Until I retroactively realised that I did: my spiritual experience was remembering everything is a spiritual experience.

I did have an esoteric experience though (spiritual ≠ esoteric) in the shape of an astrologer/psychic (India is a country of “slashers”) who read my energy fairly accurately and then tried to sell me some gemstones. A universal stratagem: rock my world emotionally then try and sell me something. Among other things, he told me that if I wasn’t engaged by July I would become desperate, that I needed to work on loving and accepting myself, and that I would one day open a retreat centre. One of these might be untrue.

One thing that I do know to be true is that loving and accepting myself and the moment of life I am experiencing has always led to the most unexpected and beautiful transformations. Especially in times of difficulty. Notably the time my body stopped working for a year (long Covid), and the time I cried for a year. (Crying is good for the soul.) Both of these -long- moments brought me closer to my Self, even though at the time they felt like circumstances I needed to actively fight against. When all along the release was in accepting the gift that was there; and from there looking to the future.

Difficulty doesn’t mean disfunction, it means transformation (& manifestation).

These moments of difficulty have been given many names, including: the hero’s descent, the path of Inanna, the dark night of the soul, rock bottom. You plunge into the darkness where you come face-to-face with your Self and let go of everything that isn’t you.

You’re not trying to change anything; you’re just shedding all the layers covering the bright light of your soul. “The heroine’s journey is opening up your body to another body”.1

And this happens over and over again: you descend when you are ready for deeper truths. Round and round, spiraling inwards. You have to meet yourself, and sometimes it will come by force. Help!

How to get through difficult moments.

Firstly, remember that the only constant is change. And that when you can’t see the path is when you know you’re on your path (vs somebody else’s). These can help calm your mind.

Then go into your body, to your heart. The trick in these moments is deep acceptance of where you are. Right on the edge, in the depth of acceptance, the point of unconditional love, of an open heart; there is your transformation. The word softness comes to me. Relax your body, let the emotions flow through you. Ride the waves, as a friend used to say. Pray, ask for a miracle. “I didn’t know a miracle was a change in perception.”

“You can always find help if you’re willing to walk the path of your integrity. Don’t get pulled into the story of your culture, find integrity. Find all the places inside yourself where the things you believe aren’t true for you, this is the source of all suffering. The single reason for psychological suffering is believing something in the mind which is not true at the deepest level.” Martha Beck

You can also think of it as a game. This point of acceptance and transformation is also a point of pure creativity. If you’re into manifestation here is the step-by-step from expert Pea the Feary:

• If you’re in disharmony access neutrality.

• You only need to get to neutrality and then you’ll be guided to what you want.

• Then, when you’re in harmony go towards what you want.

• Witnessing yourself with openness and curiosity is the cheat code to everything.

To be able to sit in the eye of the storm -for any of the above- you need to make sure you are supported & resourced.**

How to find support & stay resourced.

Relational or emotional support:

• Join support groups with people experiencing similar stories and behaviours (ie. AA or sharing circles).

• Connect with an elder/mentor who has lived through a similar experience and can normalise the in-between phase.

• Share with a trusted friend or family member who listens without judgement.

• See a health professional offering somatic support, ie. biodynamic craniosacral therapy.

Structural or practical support:

• Be open to receiving financial support while changing relationship or job.

• Share practical responsibilities ie. childcare, logistic plannins.

• Seek out legal or administrative support: acknowledging, where possible, where you can outsource energy-consuming tasks & not try to do everything yourself.

Meaning and creative support:

• Volunteer with shared communal projects reinforcing community ie. volunteering in a community garden or with the elderly.

• Engage in creative collaborations enabling you to explore new identities: art, pottery, writing…

• Join body-based practices in groups which allow you to feel directly into your body: dance, theatre, singing…

• Explore spiritual practices which help you connect you to yourself without putting someone else in a position of authority (ie. organised religion).

• Seek out regular exposure to models for the new identity you’d like to connect with (Expanders in TBM talk).

• Set up regular rituals: something to help anchor you, a moment to come back to yourself every day, ie. a cup of tea, going for a walk, a morning prayer. A ritual is made up of symbol + intention + repetition.

Want to accelerate the shedding process?

You might be aware (🙃) that in one week we will be entering a new lunar new year, the year of the Horse. Before that happens, we have one more week to finish the shedding of the year of the Snake. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re deep in the collective underworld right now. So… what else can we let go of in this moment of deep transformation?

Chinese medicine practitioner Katie Brindle recommends shedding:

• Emotional burdens

• Relationships held by obligation

• Physical clutter

Things I am shedding:

• Fear

• Insulting people who cut me off in my car

• Keeping my shoulders up next to my ears

• Closing my heart

• Thinking I am separate from God

• Forgetting to breathe

• Not looking people in the eye. every. time.

• Stopping myself from making NOISE when I need and want to express myself.

Remember: nothing is yours, it just flows through you, if you let it.

Ophélie <3

*I spent the last two days of the trip in Varanasi, on the Ganges, one of the world’s oldest continually inhabited cities (3000 years +) and sacred to the Hindus. The city counts 84 ghats - stairs leading down to the river for bathing and ceremonies - where locals and visitors spend time in more or less devotional ways. Hindus believe that dying in Varanasi brings Moksha (liberation) from the endless cycles of death and rebirth (Samsara). Life can be hard. To this purpose, two traditional cremation grounds have been established along the river: Harishchandra ghat and Manikarnika ghat. If you are ever in the area, and by area I mean anywhere in Asia, it is worth travelling here just to experience these. The fires in the latter have been burning non-stop for over 3000 years, according to one of the fire-tenders who showed us around before threatening us with bad karma for giving such a small donation to the local hospice.

Picture two white women, who, after ten days of being shuttled from place to place like good tourists, finally venture out on their own after dinner, aiming for Manikarnika ghat. Making our way towards the fires, through a maze of mud and bright orange flowers, slightly hesitant but determined to reach the main reason for our six hour journey to Banaras (Varanasi’s historical name). We follow the bodies being carried by grieving families along the winding paths down to the river, catching glimpses of dogs sleeping in corners, a man crouching on the ground while having his head entirely shaved before lighting a pyre, a business-owner selling his oils between the bodies, men running down carrying piles of mango wood on their heads. Finally we reach the cremation ground, fires burning seemingly randomly around us, and we stand there for a long time, taking in this completely surreal experience. There’s no emotion (only male family members are allowed here), and maybe this is why the whole thing feels so… normal.

It is only when we return via the river the following morning at 7am and see a dog running in between fires whining and holding her puppy in her mouth that the violence of this experience kicks in. That, and seeing two legs sticking out of a pyre less than a meter away from us. It is both violent and natural, and that is why this is such an important place to visit, coming face to face with the casualness of life and death.

One last word on shedding and transformation. Five types of bodies are not cremated but released directly into the Ganges: children, pregnant women, holy men, people with leprosy, and those killed by a snake bite. These are already pure/have been purified by God; so here’s hoping last year’s year of the Snake has purified us all.

**Why you need to resource:

“Within this process of resourcing, an opportunity is provided to create a deeper connexion to the wellspring of our inherent health and creativity.” Foundations in Craniosacral Biodynamics

Without resourcing you will have difficulty staying inside this beautiful process of transformation. This is how you bring the safety you are ‘losing’ from separating from your old story into your new story, without relying on the previous patterns that kept you stuck. Resourcing orients your awareness towards the okayness of the present moment during times of change and transition, vs trying to cope or distract away from what is going on inside. It helps you regulate your perception of a situation so you don’t get overwhelmed.

These can be broken down into inner resources and outer resources. The former might look like deep breathing, spirituality, going for a walk, dancing; the latter might look like seeing a therapist, hugging a trusted friend, playing with your dog… And occasionally, if you ever need to take a proper break, go and distract yourself! Read a favourite book or watch a favourite film, log out for a while.

List a few of these and turn to them whenever your foundations are feeling a little too shaky.

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It hurts more to live with a closed heart than to live with a broken heart.

(Skip straight to the end for the practices to keep your heart open).

This has been both the greatest and most painful lesson I’ve learnt over the past few years. I’ve been through some emotionally difficult times, where my heart has constricted into such a tight ball that I couldn’t feel anything at all. But every time, sometimes kicking and screaming, I’ve opened up and released these pent up emotions. Crying doesn’t mean suffering, it means release from suffering.

Here’s a simplified graph showing what happens when you feel an emotion. Short recap is, if you don’t let yourself feel it, it gets stuck in your body (and, incidentally, you get ill).

↓

My heart opened fully for the first time (as far as I’m aware of) nearly four years ago, during a silent retreat. Ten days of silence really takes it out of you, and by it, I mean all the emotions I’d been repressing for years. The suffering from being disconnected from myself and Love (or God). The anger I’d thought was directed towards others but was actually only living within me. And when you come face to face with these, you have a choice whether to lock them back inside or LET THEM GO. In that instance, I chose the latter.

And it’s a constant choice, but, I will tell you, nothing feels as good as living with your heart wide open.*

This is also political:

There’s a lot of horror happening in the world. I’m in awe of people who are in the thick of things, of political activists and people who stand up to brutality and hate; and always hope I am doing enough on my side. So when I’m not sure what to do, or start feeling emotional overload, that I can’t access empathy or my ability to receive and process the enormity of the atrocities, or when I despair that even the release of damning documents and videos make no change to the abuse of power, well, I turn to Love.

Before you accuse me of spiritually bypassing, the positive impact of loving action and being in the state of love is being studied scientifically, and many great women and men have shown us the great power of lasting change through Love. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t and can’t be angry or take action, it just means you filter this energy through your heart, so the hate is removed and all that’s left is Love (in action).

Bad Bunny said so on Sunday night.

Think of this analogy: you drink poison and expect the person you hate to die. That’s what holding on to hate does to you. Think of that extra hate now swirling around in the collective consciousness.

Who & what does keeping your heart open help?

• You want to change the world for a long-time.

• Someone cuts you off in your car. Remember the poison.

• You want to heal from a broken heart. When I feel hurt by someone I love I repeat the magic words below.

• You need closure from something or someone.

• You want to bless someone you love.

• You want to bless someone you hate.

• You want to be free from reactivity, and want to move into activity.

• You want to feel light and free.

• You want to escape from prison.**

• This is a non-exhaustive list.

So, how do we keep our hearts open?

Here are two practices which I use consistently and which help me a lot:

1. Whenever I'm upset/angry/annoyed/feel hate towards someone I repeat "May they be blessed, may they be happy, may they be loved" until I've processed the emotion (sometimes I cry, sometimes I just feel lighter). If it's for someone who cut you off in a car for example doing it once is probably enough. And if it's for someone closer to you, keep doing it over and over when you feel the tension and constriction release from your heart. I do it when I’m feeling jealous in my relationship, it works 😈.

   Here’s a live demonstration of this ↓

   

   @codependents.clubThis is by far the most effective thing I’ve done when feeling anger/hate/sadness about someone. Borrowed from Marianne Williamson’s work. May they be blessed May they be happy May they be loved And let the tears flow Let the emotion out Free yourself ! #codependentsclub #heartbreak #codependentnomore #breakuphealing #breakupglowup

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2. I also practice the ‘smiling breath into my heart’ when I want a more somatic exercise: Breathe in and bring all your attention to your heart, then, as you breathe out, imagine your heart is an ember you’re blowing on while at the same time bringing a small smile to your face (this also activates the pineal gland). Do this over and over again until you feel a release. Works every time for me. (& will for you, once you’ve practiced it a bit). Here’s a guided visualisation for this exercise ↓

With a lot of love,

Ophélie

*It’s not always easy to live with an open heart when we’ve been conditioned to protecting ourselves, or when expressing emotions is seen as weak. I once sat in a sharing circle where men and women were sharing whatever was on their heart that day. A few women shared (and cried) fairly easily. At one point one of my friends, a man, took the talking stick, indicating he wanted to speak. Instead of speaking he cried for a few minutes, then put the stick back down without having uttered a word. He was starting to uncover the layers of emotion covering his heart.

**One of my favourite stories about the power of an open heart, set in a Romanian prison: A monk was imprisoned by a ruler who was attempting to quash the spread of spiritual resistance. Every day men were sent in to torture him, and every day the monk did not fight back and looked at them with deep love. At first it made them angry and they tortured him more brutally. And every day he forgave them and loved them. Until eventually they started to refuse to go back to the cell because they couldn't bear seeing their reflection in the eyes of so much love. In the end no one was left to torture him, and he eventually went free.

This is not a sex story. This is a story about sex.

…

I’ve started hosting a weekly women’s circle at Casa Kavi, a very special movement studio in Madrid, where I now live (I moved here for love, it’s been a journey…). I don’t do much, only set the intention of the space, offer some guidelines so we all feel safe to share, say a few words about the theme of that week. Then we all sit and receive the words and emotions of whoever is speaking, offering no advice (we’re not trying to fixanybody) nor interruption, honouring the silence when silence is called for, and (as much as is possible) being present to the women in the circle. Presence is love, after all.

The body is resourceful, always doing its best to keep us alive. It tucks away our stuff - physical, mental, emotional - into a carefully assembled chaotic equilibrium so we can continue to function in a world which doesn’t allow for much nonconformity. Mmmmh, you’re feeling anxious, something must be wrong with you, here’s the pill to deal with it. Best not to look at what’s going on underneath, you might find your power after feeling that pain.*

The body is also wise, it knows when it’s time to process and let go of that stuff. When we feel safe, however that looks, our barriers fall and the divine chaos begins its journey to the surface to be released, piece-by-piece, in its incomprehensible yet perfect order. It will never do anything we are not equipped to handle. As I said, the body is infinitely wise, far beyond the comprehension of the material mind.

I learnt this while studying biodynamic craniosacral therapy, a branch of osteopathy which looks like a kind of energy healing anchored in science. The point of the process is to help the person’s system feel safe enough to start to unwind the physical and psychological knots held in the body. We literally touch our hands lightly to the body and wait. (There’s a bit more to it but we never force the body to do anything it isn’t ready for.)

In these circles, the body instinctively knows it can start to process the withheld grief and emotions. Depending on the needs of the women present, the energy is either “night with your girlfriends” or full on ceremonial rebirth. Choose your player. Some speak to share experiences they’ve never said out loud, some sit in silence experiencing almost imperceptible shifts just from being within that field. Who knows what really happens, but we usually leave feeling a little closer to wholeness, with full and open hearts.

Each of us, and the whole of us, exists within relational fields. When these are safe, we become free to express and resolve.

…

So, now you have some background on relational fields, let’s talk about sex.

Did you know that apparently 82% of women can’t have vaginal (internal) orgasms? A percentage of these can when accompanied by clitoral (external) stimulation, but the majority say penetration alone doesn’t do it for them. I was one of these women until last week. You’re always something until you aren’t. That statistic is like a little pill which stops you from asking questions.

This is important because of the difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms:

• The first, wave-like, is a sacred opening to emotional and spiritual connexion, something we have lost contact with as we’ve lost contact with the sanctity of the body. Your body is a temple, you might have heard, but without guidance on what that actually means.

  I’ve met women who talk about the cervical orgasm (induced by stimulating the cervix, the passage connecting the vagina and uterus) that changed their lives. The cervix is known as the “Portal of Love” in Taoist and Tantric traditions. You can see it in the way they exude confidence and presence, a capacity to withstand waves of emotion and aliveness, and be standing taller after each one. There’s even a study which backs this up. That kind of orgasm is reached within a state of great trust and surrender.

• The latter, localised and mechanical, can be a great warm up but not the heart-expanding mystical experience that few of us are instructed in. A bit of a let-down, some might say.

A close friend was shocked when I told her how many years I’d spent having sexual intercourse I didn’t really enjoy. She told me that sex was something sacred, and whenever she didn’t feel pleasure she would redirect immediately. And that she always had internal orgasms. I guess when you’ve experienced pleasure (and self-love) like that you won’t settle for less.

And yet, it can be overwhelming to acknowledge our lack of patience and education around this sensitive subject. Maybe we don’t feel ready for our lives to change and to connect to our divineness.

It can be easier to accept generalisations as personal experience than to go within and figure out what’s causing the numbness. It can be easier than feeling the emotion behind it. But when you do, when you get past the grief and fear, it’s infinitely beautiful and radiant, to experience the fullness of what it means to be alive.

Thanks for reading Codependents Club! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

…

In my decade + of sexual relationships, I’ve experienced a small number of internal orgasms (with external stimulation) and a larger number of external-only ones. I call these halfies: unsatisfying, and miles away from the tales of life-changing full-body orgasms.

These mythical orgasms didn’t evade me from lack of trying (or physical prowess), but from lack of trust in the relational field. Because, last week, I found myself in a space so loving and safe that I let go completely.

Of course it goes both ways: feeling safe within yourself and feeling safe within the world. You work on loving yourself which brings you to situations in which you are loved. Correspondingly, when you start learning to feel safe within (and start to learn how that feels in your body), you also become unable to stay in unsafe situations. Your body recognises that as an old unfulfilling feeling and stays away from it.

Physiologically, having an internal orgasm stimulates the vagus nerve, leading to deeper intimacy and (some suggest) better mental health; correspondingly, when you activate the vagus nerve through breathing or making sounds, you have better orgasms.

So there I was, learning to love myself and being loved all at once, feeling pleasure from an action which until then had never brought me anything more than a fantasy of performance and pleasing the other.

That love looked like full presence, taking time, deep eye contact, verbal checking-in. All the things you rarely see in films or learn about at school. The opening looked like tears streaming down my face followed by a sudden shift in sensation. A freedom to move and express the fullness of my physical and emotional body.

In those tears was so much grief. From the times I tried to hide parts of my body which had been laughed at, putting all my attention on the pleasure of the other, not thinking I was worthy of having time and energy spent on me. Not being able to receive. Staying disconnected from myself so I could hide from my shame.

Now I was fully present, feeling everything. Because I’d let the pain flow through me, I could also feel the pleasure.

Why am I telling this story? For all the women (and men) who have known and still know unsafe places, who are holding on to stories of disconnection to protect themselves from grief. With the firm belief and hope we can all find these safe places within ourselves, and that it resonates within our relational fields, bringing us into higher, more harmonious relationships. And maybe so we can talk about sex more openly too. Release the shame.

Also to share a low-budget Christmas present idea: be soft and open with someone, receive them fully. It’s a beautiful gift you can give freely; you might even help create important change.

Some resources to reconnect within and without - and to have great orgasms:

• Aisha Paris Smith to connect to your body

• Go dancing with your friends

• Be wildly devotional

• Cory Muscara to connect to your soul

• Codependents Club (coming soon)

• Juliet Allen for self-pleasure

• Chloe Mackintosh to learn more about sex

• Join a women’s circle

• Sit and listen to someone without interrupting or commenting

• Embodied Love to learn in relationship

*pain is not the only teacher ↓

Ophélie is the founder of Codependents Club, a somatic and educational community for better relationships.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me I should write more about my personal life and experiences, apparently it’s what people want to read about. So, here goes. Love you baby.

The other night we had a huge fight. Really huge. It was bad guys.

If any of this sounds familiar, or if you experience similar tendencies in yourself (or others), please get in touch! I’m working on a program to support people who want to change these patterns and would love your input <3

My boyfriend is a restaurateur; his current project is a trendy (and delicious) restaurant where he moonlights as front-of-house. There is a constant influx of beautiful and interesting people which you might think would make one jealous, or at least, mildly worried, but I’m happy to report that despite a few wobbles I have medically been declared free of suspicion. What renders me, at times, insecure, is that he has a passion that is NOT ME. That being said, thanks to on-and-off dedication to my own projects, this is kept mostly at bay. That is, at least, during working hours. When everything is controlled in my head.

On this particular occasion, my boyfriend called me at the end of his shift to let me know he was going for a couple of drinks with his guy friends and would be back later. Okay baby, have a good time, I said to him while lying in HIS bed having just tidied HIS flat. It was fine, I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up, no sign of him. I tried to call him (a couple of times) as stories formed in my brain and panic started to set in. Ninety minutes later, no sleep, he called me to tell me he was on his way home and had had such a fun night, his friends had picked up some girls and they had gone dancing together. So glad you had fun, I lied through my teeth.

We hung up and I started crying. It wasn’t the girls that bothered me, I trust him completely. It was the dancing. What about all the times he hadn’t wanted to go out dancing with ME?! What about the fact I had told him that same day I wanted us to spend more quality time together?!

Presciently I had picked up Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger two days earlier, despite having bought the book years ago - I love it when Life does that - and was already flying through it, becoming a pseudo-expert on breaking repetitive destructive behavior in relationships and using anger as a positive tool to do so. So I should really have been better prepared.

He came home and came into the bedroom to give me a kiss. I was still lucid but I could feel the churning inside me, the anger and envy that he had been out dancing while I had been in bed, and I could feel it was starting to swallow me up. I was sulky so he went to the sofa to relax. I made one last-ditch attempt to avoid the looming disaster, I went to ask him for a cuddle. He said he was about to make a sandwich. I came out again, I need a cuddle. I’m just grilling my sandwich. And again, I need a cuddle. I’m eating my sandwich, I’ll come in a bit. Please, I need a cuddle now. He rolled his eyes. I was losing his sympathy, losing control of the situation.

Lerner writes about deciphering the ‘I’ from the ‘we’ so we can make decisions from a place of empowerment. “It is only then that we can reclaim the power that is truly ours-the power to change our own selves and take a new and different action on our own behalf”.

Then all hell broke loose. I started hysterically crying for attention, and for control. Historically this has never worked, but sense has no place in these moments when deep unmet pain resurfaces. I raged and cried while he refused to engage (thank goodness) until I asked him to help me calm down, probably one of the most unfair moves I’ve ever pulled. He did and then left the room once I was calm.

It feels like the more work I do around the codependent tendencies I have carried and acted upon throughout my life and romantic relationships, the more I understand that I’ve been wading through these difficult (and beautiful) times, shedding these layers, so I can get to a place where, in the end, I’m the only one making decisions for my life. I’m not a victim. Which is incredibly scary to admit when most of your energy has been spent on trying to control romantic relationships because they were your ticket out. Your ticket out of what? Of becoming an adult, of taking responsibility, of beingresponsible. For your past, present, and future.

I think what happened that night, as I crouched on the floor next to the bed crying hysterically, asking him to soothe me, is that a part of me understood that if I did not revert to my six-month-old self, I would have had to be an adult. I would have had to make a decision.

Maybe, in this case, I might have made the decision to go to my flat to regain some sense of self (meaning we would be separated), or I would have rewound to our phone conversation to calmly let him know I needed some extra love (meaning I would be vulnerable). Maybe I would’ve planned a time for us (or me) to go dancing the following weekend (meaning I would exert agency, that’s hard), or asked for more details so I could feel included in the evening (signaling my okayness with his actions). Maybe I would have decided my needs weren’t being met and I needed to leave the relationship (meaning we would be separated, and I would be fully responsible).

Instead, I regressed 30 years and crumbled, so that I could stay the victim and wouldn’t need to make the Sisyphean effort of stepping into my power.

I don’t know what it means to be aware of what was happening in the moment.

I know that it’s never ok to be hysterical. I told him so the next morning.

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.

And, Lerner again: “Trying to change or control another person is a solution that never, never works.”

I do know enough to know that my inner child took over when my adult self (aka me, since I am an adult) hesitated. In that moment, she flew in through the pause to violently regurgitate all the fear she had at times experienced and which she still hadn’t processed.

Maybe she was influenced by the five days we had just spent with my two-month-old godson Otto and his mother Eliza, one of my closest friends. Maybe she was envious of the attention Otto was getting when he cried, of the unwavering care and devotion his mother showed him, always trying to make sure he felt heard and understood, repeatedly whispering to him “you’re safe” and “I love you”.

The problem is that I hadn’t been telling her “you’re safe” and “I love you”. I hadn’t been spending time with her. So the moment something in the outside world rocked her sense of safety (yes, I still subconsciously equate men with safety due to biological, familial, and societal reasons, I’m working on it) she panicked and looked to the male figure to reassure her. It made it even more confusing to her that in this case, the (perceived) perpetrator was also the savior.

When all she needed was for me to be an adult and look after us.

There are, of course, many tangible ways to do just that. These are usually the ones which will have the fastest effect on you. Namely: support yourself financially, have your own place to live (or at least, your own room), have relationships and interests separate from his, cultivate them.

And there are also ways to back this up in your subconscious. They’re more for the long-term, but have worked wonders for me. After all, you never know when you might need support, financial or otherwise. Oh, to be one of those women with such a high sense of self-worth to let themselves be looked after by a man without ever giving up any of theiragency or self-respect.

Namely: spend time with your inner child. Sometimes I tell her to jump on my back when I get on my Vespa, she loves that. Other times I picture her sitting in my lap while do visualisations, she’s always involved. Another way could be to go on a date with her (and just her) once a week, like in The Artist’s Way. And spend time with people who love you for who you are and tirelessly support your creative work!!!

feel free to support mine ;)

<3

If any of this sounds familiar, or if you experience similar tendencies in yourself (or others), please get in touch! I’m working on a program to support people who want to change these patterns and would love your input <3

Ophélie is the founder of Codependents Club.

I’ll be sharing about Love and relating - about how it’s not at all what I thought it was. The hopeful unravelling of a recovering codependent whose centre of gravity was decidedly not within herself for many years.

Unpopular opinion: the universe is more interested in our growth than our happiness.*

I wrote this over a year ago but didn’t hit publish because it felt so raw. I kind of wish I had now, I wish I had documented this journey more fully. So much has changed since these words. There’s still a way to go, but I’ve understood something now. The beauty of it. Through the skin of my teeth. Hopefully you’ll understand it too. I’ve shared some resources below.

Today I learnt a new Spanish word: espejo. It means mirror. I’ve been accelerating my Spanish learning because I have a new boyfriend who is half Spanish and lives in Madrid. ‘They’ say everyone you meet is a mirror; every encounter you have is a chance to heal, a chance to break toxic patterns, a chance to grow and evolve towards a deeper and more fulfilling life. That’s because everyone you meet and every encounter you have is also a chance to have a nervous breakdown, a chance to feel like your heart is being squeezed into a tiny little ball, a chance to scream at another person who is ruining your life and making you feel like fucking shit. (Sorry, there were no other suitable words)

Last week I was in Madrid and my new boyfriend was doing just that: he was ignoring me and making me feel intensely vulnerable for opening up to him, because now it was clear he didn’t love me and didn’t want me to be there. I’d just spent the day helping him move house and now we were sitting at dinner, exhausted, and he wasn’t reallylistening to me when I spoke. Later we were lying in bed next to each other, visible waves of tension squirming between us (or between me and my projection of him), my body hot from frustration and pent up anger, when a sentence glided fully-formed into my head.

I think it’s a battle with you, but it’s a battle with myself.

I wrote it down immediately and (later) told him about it. A person can trigger you and behave in a certain way towards you, whether positive or negative, but really it has nothing to do with them. Their action creates a resonance and reaction in you, and you are the only person responsible for what you do with it.

We’re alone! But we’re also with God (you can call it Love or the Universe or simply the bigger thing that unites us all). Who comes through other people as well. To elevate us towards Love and Freedom.

It’s been nine months since writing those words. Nothing has changed, yet some things have changed. It’s moving slowly. I’ve understood a lot of things. That Love isn’t always “I love you”s and “I miss you”s. That Love shows you every dark corner you need to shine a light on. And I have so much to bring to light. My ego is fighting hard. Being with the edge is the work.

I’m learning that Love doesn’t enable you to bypass your feelings, it gently forces you to meet yourself, square in the eye.

Love brings up everything unlike itself.¹

This is my battle right now. How do I feel whole without someone else? How do I realise I am already complete? Do I have to do this all on my own? Being in a relationship doesn’t make me happy, so what does?

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.

It makes me hysterical. So I know it’s historical. The work I need to do to become my own person. To grow into the fullness of myself.

A well of pain inside me. It isn’t mine. When I am triggered, when the well of pain is touched, I become hysterical. Panic sets in. It’s not mine, it’s everything I’ve learnt in the past 29 years. From music, films, family, societal roles. It passed through the women who came before me. It’s not mine, but it hurts so much because I’ve always thought it was.

A love I don’t understand. But the love I need.

I don’t understand this love. Consciously, I do. (But that’s only 5% of my brain, apparently). I am given so much love, but I only see the parts lacking, the unhealthy parts which used to soothe me, telling me I was loved.

It’s hard because it’s healthy a friend said to me. I’m not used to that.

The love I’m receiving is so much better. Love sits with you while you cry and let go of the layers smothering your soul. Love doesn’t try to save you. Love lets you become the best version of yourself. Love watches you grow and change, and is happier for it. Love changes you. Just by being there. Love is presence.

It hurts a lot. Shedding a part of myself hurts a lot. Even though I asked for it. Down on my knees.

Love is the only place in which we are safe.²

Softening. To keep my heart open. Even when it hurts and my ego screams ‘“CLOSE”. When it defends and blames. In what seems like protection, but it is anything but that. I keep it all within and it hurts so much more. When my heart is open I cry and cry and cry; I’m emptying the well of pain inside me. I have to remind myself it isn’t mine. I know that already. It’s in all of us. It doesn’t belong to us though, so why are we still carrying it?

To the depth of pain you are willing to go is the depth of joy and Love you live.

I wrote this around that time:

Really, this is only about my relationship to myself, to God. Who has sent me the mirror I asked for.

And I am learning to trust myself, to trust life. That’s the only way you can trust others. If you don’t trust others it’s because you don’t trust yourself.

Unpopular opinion: growth is what makes you happy. Movement is life.*

*In The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck defines Love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

But the more I experience, the more I think the reason we are here, above all other things, is JOY. That is the ultimate healing. More on this soon!

Resources:

• Liberated Love by Kylie McBeath and Mark Groves

• All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks

• Galina Singer, Relating and Intimacy Coach - you can sign up to her newsletter here

These were my Big 3. Yours will probably be different, but hopefully mine will help lead you to yours.

And if you feel so inclined:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace: where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

St François d’Assise

The other day a friend’s father proudly announced he had made her a nice chunk of money through an investment. When probed, he told her it had been through a stock dealing in arms. This story made me laugh as my friend is a fervent vegan and anti-war activist - and there she was having just made a “good” deal on a “bad” thing (more on “good” and “bad” soon - this might even be at the crux of our discord).

Around the same time, during a practice which lends itself well to emptying your mind of chatter, a thought dropped fully-formed into my head:

The genocide* in Gaza is a symptom of all the hate and fear in the world, and every time we judge or hate someone we are fuelling it.

You can feed war with your money, but that’s not the only way.

Despite the structures we have carefully erected to hide the violence and destruction away from our curated Western front, darkness continues to bubble and emerge in places far from the eye; in many ways, it’s actually already here with us.

Why?

We have been medicating the symptoms instead of going to the root. “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” In a recent article, Sarah Churchwell quoted F.Scott Fitzgerald as foretelling Trump’s America, continuing with: “the forward motion exists, but the direction is an illusion. Beneath it is recurrence: the same hierarchies, the same betrayals, the same brutalities. Fitzgerald's vision is both that we are always moving forward, and that we are always circling back. The dream lies not ahead of us, but already lost behind us, in the dark fields of the republic.”

So, if the past is our present and our future, how do we create a new timeline? We propose something radically different: looking within to change without.

(Happy to say my friend offsets her murderous investments with her sweetness and inability to talk badly about others.)

Unpopular opinion: we are all Trump.

Donald Trump Jr. is the tangible manifestation of our shadow, our ingrained racism, xenophobia, and misogyny we prefer to hide or deny, but which, apart from for the most enlightened of us, is still floating around inside (no shame).

In a way, he is the President the West needs, as he is an opportunity to see what is really there, what has been going on behind the scenes all this time; and through doing so he gives us the opportunity to truly look at ourselves (vs through outraged denial), and so bring about real, lasting change.

If what the journalist Chris Hedges writes is true, that “a society convulsed by disorder and chaos … celebrates the morally degenerate, those who are cunning, manipulative, deceitful and violent. … The Germans, (Eric Voegelin) writes, supported Hitler and the “grotesque, marginal figures,” surrounding him because he embodied the pathologies of a diseased society.”

- then we’d better hurry up and take a good look at ourselves and what we’ve created.

Similarly to Jung’s theory that a black sheep is embodying the shadow of his family,2 so is a genocide - or any tangible manifestation of fear and violence, including aggressive men leading countries - the manifestation of all the fear and hatred present in our collective consciousness.3

“Projections change the world into the replica of one's own unknown face.”4

So if the shadow we carry in our own lives directs all we do, if we are not aware of it, nursing it, loving it, and changing it at its source, no amount of activism or laws passed will enact real lasting change.

Marianne Williamson puts it simply: “The world is a reflection of our thoughts; therefore the primary thing to be saved from is our own misguided thinking…. The problems of the world as we know them are simply symptoms of a deeper problem: us, and the ways of thinking that trap us in the hell of our own making”.5

We have to understand that this shadow is all of ours, because we are all connected. So whatever you do to one person, you do to everyone else.

There’s scientific evidence for this which I expand on below, but if when I say we’re all connected you’re thinking 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon, let me give you a more tangible example.

Here’s one I gave to a friend the other night: “remember the time when you got behind a butcher’s counter to cut yourself some meat and the butcher got angry at you? You were upset because you were perceived as being ‘in trouble’, so you got angry at her and left. We stayed and she laughed it off and gave us a free slab of meat. Imagine if, instead, she had gone home angry and been unkind to her children, maybe not taking the time to listen to one of them who had being feeling insecure and wanted to talk about it with his mother. Imagine if, the next day at school, he had bullied one of his excluded schoolmates who he is usually kind to. 5 years later, that child comes back to the school with a gun.”

Every action or thought has an exponential impact.

There is also evidence that what you feel, let yourself feel, and actively put out there has an effect on the world around you. The HeartMath Institute literally measures the power of love through its research on the heart’s electromagnetic field - which is 60 times more powerful than the brain’s. They organise the Global Coherence Initiative, “a science-based, co-creative project to unite people in heart-focused love and intention, to facilitate the shift in global consciousness from instability and discord to compassionate care, cooperation and increasing peace.” A bit more about love and the heart in a previous post, and watch the below video for information about the Institute’s work.

Then there are some (non-substantiated) studies such as David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, which measures emotions through applied kinesiology, a sort of muscle testing (frowned upon by the scientific community). You can see the different levels of frequencies in the chart below.

If you want to try putting this into action, check out Dr Joe Dispenza’s Walk for the World meditation. And take part in the challenge below.

Maybe this is a bit “out there”, maybe it’s “not that simple”, maybe I need to be “more realistic”. But let’s not kid ourselves into believing the societal structures and norms that participated in bringing us to this point are the ones which will guide us out of the current situation. Fighting won’t cut it anymore.

One of my favourite stories of the power of love is that of Megan Phelps-Roper, a former member of the Westboro Baptist Church (for context, this is the group of people who demonstrate with signs which read “God hates fags” and “God sent the shooter”). She started questionning the group’s hateful tendancies after being engaged in conversation by people on Twitter. It was those who created empathic dialogue with her who opened up the possibility that her actions, which stemmed from very deeply-rooted beliefs as she had grown up in this environment, might actually be misplaced. She ended up leaving the group (and marrying one of her compassionate online detractors).

If not with love, how else do you change the mind and actions of someone whose beliefs lie buried deeply under years and layers of fear and pain?

Here’s another example from a past life:

I used to be an ecological activist, advocating and speaking out about sustainability in the fashion industry (the one I work in and which I can’t seem to exit, I should probably look into my own shadow), until I realised nothing is actually changing. Waste laws have been put into place, second-hand shopping is cool, but Shein now has the biggest apparel market share in Europe, and the topic of sustainability has fallen off CEO’s lists of priorities, according to BoF.

If the system is the problem, as Alec Leach writes, we have to see that the system is being fed by us, the consumers. And we, as consumers, over-consume to fill a void. Until we are not trying to fill the void within us with things, we will never live in a world which truly values sustainability. True sustainability is buying things you actually need, or things which truly resonate with your true self. Incidentally, I also believe we have a skewed relationship to Beauty, but that’s a whole different topic.

Thank you for following me along this tangent; what I’m trying to get at is that every one of our behaviours, conscious or not, tangible or not, has an impact on the wider world. Inner knowing brings inner peace. Inner peace creates peace in the world.

If othering is at the root of violence and war, then whenever you other someone in your own life through judging, gossiping, aggressivity, or anything that is done from fear, you’re fuelling a genocide.

Hedges again: “It is tempting to personalize the decay, as if ridding ourselves of Trump will return us to sanity and sobriety. But the rot and corruption has ruined all of our democratic institutions, which function in form, not in content. The consent of the governed is a cruel joke.”6 What are you consenting to in your own life?

You can be an ardent activist for “good” but if you’re also a bitch you’re not going to be helping much.

And Marianne: “There really is no world outside us, since everything we see is a projection of our thoughts. Since all our minds are joined, as I heal my own life I am contributing to the healing of the world. I can’t pretend to be part of a global evolutionary change if I’m unwilling to try to change myself.”7

By the way, if you’re thinking this is a load of spiritual bullshit, here’s a more tangible parallel you can apply to your life: this speech by Nigerian musician Sean Kuti, who (tangentially) tells us to stop thinking the problem is outside of yourself. Watch the video then apply that to yourself, your belief system, your family, your culture, your religion, your country.

And here is Francesca Albanese, Special Rapporteur at the UN, with the ways we are fuelling a genocide with our money.

So… two challenges for this week:

❤️‍🔥 If you’re in the mood for love → when you find yourself in a triggering situation, react with love.

How? Transform and transmute. By giving yourself love and compassion. When you feel yourself being judgemental, don’t berate yourself. See it and accept it with love. Shine light on yourself and your shadow, don’t shame yourself. Some actionable tips for when you feel a negative emotion coming over you:

1. Be present & aware

2. Process & release it

   1. If you feel pain: Acknowledge it. Literally, speak to it. In a loving way. “I know this hurts/this is scary etc.” Keep going until you have an emotional release, or you feel calmer.

   2. If you feel judgement or hate: Acknowledge it. Give a name to that part of you, realise it’s not you. Speak to it too: “Haha, I see what you’re trying to do here. What’s making you say this? Are you scared? What’s going on?” Keep going until you feel the part’s grip relax.

   3. Emergency tip to bypass trying to understand the part: Smiling breath on the heart.

Then, and only then, you can react.

💝If you want more of the good things in life → play the ‘glad game’

When you’re in a situation which is bringing up difficult feelings, be like Pollyanna and list three things you’re grateful for. Call a friend and ask them what they’re thankful for. I was in a funk this morning so started playing the game with myself, said I was thankful for walking and started crying. It let out a lot of energy.

Bonus points: what you appreciate, appreciates. So when you express love and gratitude for something, you’ll be given more of it!!

P.S: Living like this doesn’t mean not standing up for yourself when needed, it means reacting from a place of peace, a place more radical and powerful than any other to enact change.

Last words: “We use our minds to attack and defend when the purpose of our lives is to love and bless.”8

*genocide: means any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such:

1. Killing members of the group;

2. Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group;

3. Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part;

4. Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group;

5. Forcibly transferring children of the group to another group.

6

The Chris Hedges Report

The Rule of Idiots

Puppet Theater of the Absurd - by Mr. Fish…

Read more

a year ago · 2092 likes · 109 comments · Chris Hedges

1. You know when you feel a bit lost or have a question about something and you wish you had a crystal ball to give you the correct answer each time?  I have that, but it’s a book, ‘A Return to Love’ by Marianne Williamson. Whenever I have a question about literally anything I open her book and get the answer I need. (Skip to 3)

2. Last week I spent hours queuing outside the French consulate to vote in the upcoming elections, as we are being called to block the waves of fear, extremism, and destruction reverberating throughout the world. Incredible activists dedicate their lives to the most worthy causes: protecting the planet, people, freedom, but no one cares enough (or our brains block it out because it’s too much) and we keep consuming, complaining, and othering (me included). Laws are passed but change is slow, and not always in the direction the world needs. We keep popping the spots instead of looking at the source, focusing on the darkness instead of the light, brushing the surface instead of going straight to the solution. (Go to 3)

 3. LOVE

(I’m sure you saw this coming)

It might seem so trite and childish, too easy, and you might say we need to grow up and be realistic, but love is the only thing that is real. And loving doesn’t mean being weak and not taking action, on the contrary, it means being strong in the face of fear and choosing love instead. All your actions are imbued with your intention.

I’m going to let Marianne Williamson speak now, inspired by the day I spent with her last Sunday in London (and which I posted about originally here) to share these words which have helped me on so many occasions. And if any of these snippets strike even the tiniest chord in you, you can find a list of love resources at the end.

So, here are some of Marianne’s best-ofs:

And if these speak to you, some more notes I took on Sunday:

• if we put as much conviction and action in the power of love as we do fear and separateness then we would make love the main engine of the world (the critical mass for change is 10%)

• we are entering the age of practical implementation: going from listening and learning to implementing = this is a time for courage

• “ultimately, the only way we will all be safe is when we, as a species, can’t bear the thought of harming each other” = this happens when we recognise we are one (recognised through love) aka “treat everyone you meet as if they’re god in drag” (Ram Dass)

• don’t take your life too seriously because life is already so serious

• don’t try and make your life better, your life is a reflection of you, so focus on disciplining your mind aka nothing changes if nothing changes
  

I love you!!
Ophélie 🌹🌹🌹

Some love resources:

• ‘All About Love’ by bell hooks

• The HeartMath Institute, researching the scientific and physiological effects of love

• ‘A Return to Love’ by Marianne Williamson

• This clip about true love

• ‘Liberated Love’ by Kylie McBeath and Mark Groves, on romantic relationships

• Any Pixar film

• This beautiful newsletter by Dr Sally Bramley

• Anything Andrea Gibson writes/speaks

• Pamela Anderson’s journal

…

so many more, let me know if you’d like me to compile a longer list

Yesterday I tuned in to a The Class class. It is aptly named - it could be the only form of exercise and mindfulness you do. It’s kind of a mix between pilates and cardio and yoga and meditation: very intentional and an incredible way to connect to yourself. It makes you fit whilst simultaneously helping you release trauma stuck in your body. Nice.

I’ve been thinking about embodiment (“living life informed through the sense experience of the body”*), about how a lot of the most confident women I have met are so present. A lot of them have arrived here through being in their bodies, through dancing, through sex, through movement…. Their worth emanates from within - it feels so deep and grounded - as opposed to being reflected back to them by our society which often values more superficial aspects.

All the answers you need are held in your body. As are things you don’t need. The more you go within, the more you are able to understand the difference between what is true to you and what you (and others) have imposed on yourself. You can learn to be guided by your body, to trust when it says yes and when it says no. I haven’t always listened, so when things go tits up in my life, I trace back my steps and know the moment I went off (my) course was when I didn’t listen to my body. When you are true to yourself then you can be true to others.

Aisha Paris Smith said it at our most recent event: “the body is a manifestation of our subconscious mind…. It is not the problem; quite the opposite. Your body is a source of strength and empowerment.”

The Class keeps you embodied. You’re not just working out, you’re working out while continuously being directed inwards. You do jumping jacks for what seems like an age and then you stop and you put your hand on your heart and you listen.

Sometimes when I’m cycling I feel my hands on the handlebars, imagining myself in my fingers - as if I wasn’t already in my fingers; I am my fingers - and I feel so much joy.

I’m pre-menstrual at the moment and I’m angry with myself - my inner critic is going on a rampage through all the parts of myself which feel like they are not yet in the right place. I’m angry at myself because I want to make a home, which I feel like I still haven’t done.

So yesterday I was doing the The Class class (sorry), jumping up and down in my room, repeatedly being instructed by the teacher Katie to come back to my body, what is it feeling right now, does it want to stop, how am I communicating with it, does it know it is safe, can I feel the parts of myself that want to be expressed, can I shout and let them out?

At the end, as in every The Class class, we kneel and open our arms wide and move them backwards and forwards, opening and closing our shoulders and chest. So your heart opens wide, and if you can be in it, as if you are sitting in your heart, then you feel everything you might have been hiding from. Love, fear, anger, pain, joy, gratitude. You just feel. Then Katie said, welcome home. And I started crying with recognition and awe.

To the depth of pain and joy you are willing to go is the depth of love you live.

It sounds banal, I know; home is where the heart is, coming home to myself etc. But clichés are true for a reason (think about why Top Gun: Maverick was such a great film). Wherever you go, there you are.

All that to say that I hope you can be in your body and in your heart, even if you find it hard, I hope you can be in silence with yourself knowing you will receive answers, I hope you can grow to trust your body and its messages, I hope you can accept to feel even when it hurts, and I hope you know that when you feel, you are alive.

One of my favourite resources is the HeartMath Institute. They have been researching heart coherence and the scientifically measurable impact living in your heart has on your health and others around you - and give simple tips to implement heart coherence into your life. Aka reduce stress, promote peace, loving relationships, acceptance. All the good things.

Here are some other great practices which guide me towards presence. Also…although these practices can and do have immediate effects, they get better over time (the clue is in the word).

• The Class

• Dancing, movement classes (this is the one I go to in London)

• Feeling my toes in my shoes, my fingers on the handlebars

• Yoga, qigong, breathwork etc… any form of movement which helps you focus on your body

• Embodied love/sex

• Putting my hands on my heart and smiling into it - that will release any emotions you have stuck around your heart (here’s a little explanatory video - you can do that in any organ)

If you have any questions about any of these please send me a message!!

I’m currently working on a mini series about L.O.V.E. and how it’s not at all what I thought it was. If you have any book/people/film/conversation recommendations please send them!

I love you 🐉

Ophélie

P.S: this was not sponsored by The Class

*An Embodied Life by Ann Saffi Biasetti

Disclaimer: just my opinion

I deactivated this channel [Instagram] to focus on helping outside the confines of its collective confusion,

After foolishly re-tuning to its frequency, in a fleeting moment of uninspired thought, I was instantly reminded of a severe aversion to the relentless influx of superficial content, which appears as ridiculous and insane, yet predictable as ever. So, during my statutory seven day sentence before deactivation becomes possible again, I felt inspired to share some thoughts-

Read at your own peril.

The first being: how often do we kid ourselves believing the fleeting moments of dopamine and mild amusement outweigh the repercussions of illusory propaganda and confusion we continue to feed one another?

If the path to hell is paved with good intentions why disguise the driving force behind yet another brick in the wall-

prisoners of our own making, simultaneously enjoying yet resenting the view.

They say the devil makes work for idle hands; and what a relief, mortality’s favourite scapegoat taking one for the team yet again.

Responsibility has never been our bag, so why start now; voluntary slaves to a gram weighed in likes instead of powder- only cure to the comedown; hair of the dog- man’s new best friend, who promises never to leave your side, perhaps the most consistent relationship you’ve ever had.

A high so instant we find ourselves making any excuse in and out of the book, just to defend our use of it; yes I’m sure it’s for your work, you never scroll, totally immune to the overexposure of subconscious stimuli, I know I know…

Worldwide hypnosis at its very best- compliments of our sphere’s most widely administered drug, perhaps more easily addictive and dangerous than any other because of its social acceptance and subtle demise of connection to the higher Self. Aided and abetted by the occasional environmental awareness post or subscription to your daily positive affirmations, validating your addiction to your audience or yourself. As if you needed to do that... Who’s going to help you get clean when no one is?

On the contrary, our trusted cohorts, readily awaiting in the shadows to spur on our psychosis with a witty one-liner and theme-appropriate emoji, unconsciously terrified of losing us to the field of freedom. Misery has always loved company and this is no exception.

Luckily for the disciples of doped up delusion, the devotion remains strong. So we’ll hop and bop to corrupt FM until someone turns the lights on.

Would we really continue the abuse if the final outcome was presented to us? It’s no secret Doctor Frankenstein’s super sharp shooter is limited to listeners outside the family tree, the creator’s kin protected from our broken record, but that doesn’t bother you… Too busy cultivating an “I don’t give a f….” image or a “healthier and holier than thou” persona, to notice the mere desire to do either contradicts the objectives of both.

Getting high off your own supply has never been a good idea, unless the supply is truly independent of external forces.

A mass following in a sick society is nothing to phone home about, unless you set your sheep free through authenticity and truth.

I know I have been guilty in the past and by no means perfect when it comes to contributing to the grand distraction, I understand the desire to share “happy content” but let’s not confuse that with an ego-based self-consuming system that feeds off fear and fleeting dopamine hits.

While this herd mentality prevails, at the very least can we combine our “happy content” with information and ways to help mobilise our consciousness into one of compassion? Meaning: love in action, having a profound impact on our human race and perhaps curing the current dis-ease of our collective consciousness through genuinely giving a damn about each other. And raising our vibration to the high heavens of authenticity and humour. But who’s up for that? Love is blind and this hoodwink of a romance is still in the honeymoon phase for many.

Which begs the question to our lovesick masses: would it really be so challenging to spend as much time feeding the helpless and the hungry as we do feeding this parasitical system of arrogant self-doubt?

The only way to truly free another is by freeing yourself

I hope this message finds you well.

As always, Free Palestine,

Lots of Love,

Eliza

At our most recent event, during which we spoke about embodiment and sex with the amazing Aisha Paris Smith, a question was asked about why (in this person’s experience) men don’t do as much spiritual and psychological excavation work as women. This brought about a thoughtful answer from Aisha around deep-rooted gender roles, and how these keep both men and women stuck and unable to achieve their fullest potential (of happiness and fulfilment, whatever those mean). And of course, this answer covered MON€Y. How many women she loves and respects think they need a rich man. To whom she wants to cry « you can do this! », which is something I often say to myself too.

Can I do it though? When it’s been so deeply and consistently ingrained in me that a man will save me. He will save me financially, and by doing so, will bring meaning to my life, since it is a truth universally acknowledged that all women will be happy and fulfilled when they are married and looked after.

Ingrained through cultural, societal, and familial dynamics. Through stories, fictional - think revamped fairytales aka Disney princes saving princesses (you should read Women Who Run with the Wolves for a corrective interpretation of the original fairy tales which were actually warning and initiatory tales, many aimed at the female psyche) - and real: recently a friend told me her aunt, a successful business owner who I look up to, told her she needed a rich husband if she was going to do well in the wellness industry.

There’s also the small detail of internalised misogyny raging within professional spheres, despite the leaps and bounds which have been made in the past years. Marianne Williamson, a spiritual leader who was until recently a serious contender for the US presidency, and Elise Loehnen, a writer and researcher in the world of consciousness, have written about this recently in the context of their respective fields:

TRANSFORM with Marianne Williamson

THE WOMAN CARD

Throughout my career as an author and lecturer, I have never felt in any way limited by my gender. I never felt opportunities were denied to me because I am a woman. Let me tell you, that changes when…

Read more

3 years ago · 230 likes · 76 comments · Marianne Williamson

Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen

Ending the "Manel"

I spent part of last week in Charlottesville with a group of incredible women (thank you to everyone who came out). At dinner the first night, the conversation turned to the Envy chapter of On Our Best Behavior, where every chat about the book unfailingly tends to go. This is the chapter about women’s covert and undiagnosed…

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3 years ago · 112 likes · 33 comments · Elise Loehnen

Despite these hurdles, you might say: of course you can do it. You can do anything you put your mind to. You have everything you need to succeed. And you’d probably be right.

So maybe the real question here is: what is it that I’m even trying to do?

Why do I want money? What is the goal? Is money itself the goal? Do I genuinely believe that it will bring me happiness and fulfilment? (I do know the answer to this question, it’s no.) Have I been taught that I need money, that it equals success, due to the society I live in? (I also know the answer to this one, it’s yes.) What does success mean to me? What does happiness and fulfilment mean to me?

At this point I want to clarify that I do not think money is inherently bad or that people shouldn’t have money, as well as acknowledge the privilege I have to be able to ask myself these questions.*

There’s no clear answer for any of these questions because everyone’s needs and desires are different.

Having said that, I will now attempt to answer at least one question, using the framework of fulfilment as individuation (a term coined by Carl Jung, meaning the process of detaching from your upbringing and culture, becoming your own individual and whole person): can we be fulfilled if someone else is supporting us?

I think so. Learning to receive and be provided for but not letting it be our end goal. It’s only the jumping off point. A balance between receiving and doing, and never ever (or at least not for too long) losing sight of yourself and your own journey. I truly believe that when we are lucky enough to be materially provided for, we have a responsibility to do the things we love and make the most beautiful life possible; elevating ourselves in love and fulfilment elevates those around us.

To do that we need to understand who we authentically are and what we authentically want, away from the paradigm of society we grew up in. And then work from there. It’s constant work to keep checking in with ourselves, and to allow the layers to peel off as we move forwards. To Be Magnetic has a great exercise to help understand what you authentically desire. (You can find a free version of the exercise here.)

I think the answer is to keep asking questions.

Here are some things that help me on this way:

• understanding my authentic wants and needs, with some help from To Be Magnetic & journaling

• silence & disconnection from the world to feel what is important to me

• (re-)educating myself through various platforms like advaya

• dating a man who is generous but who doesn’t let me lean on him (aka he’s not going to make me feel complete)

Anyway, applications for a rich husband are currently open.

*And then there are so many other questions which open a whole other layer of discussion: do we even want to ‘perform’ in this crazy world which is not suited to everyone, especially women’s cycles and rhythms? Do we want to ‘be successful’ within a system which is destroying our planet and rewards financial profit over wellbeing? Which puts so much emphasis on material gain? Are we part of the problem if we’re doing ‘helpful’ work but living off money made off the back of others? Do we need to rethink the whole mode of functioning of our society? Is money even real?

I suggest you sign up to an advaya course or read Gesturing Towards Decolonial Futures’ research work if this kind of work interests you.

Byyeee

Ophélie ❤️‍🔥

In the meantime, here are a few snippets of wisdom from Aisha around coming into deeper relationship with the different parts of yourself:

This is the gateway to acceptance and feeling good. To change the way you view your body you have to come into relationship with it.

• In the morning, ask yourself: what does it feel like to be inside my body today? Truly feel it, breathe into it, listen to it.

• Speak to your body in a loving way.

• Take moments to appreciate what you do like about it even if it’s purely functional, eg. ‘thank you for walking me to the shop’.

• Touch your body with care throughout the day, in a way that sparks a sense of pleasure.

• Build your embodied experience: start untangling what’s happening inside your body by tracking your internal emotions and sensations.

We’ll be sharing and experiencing more practices together on Thursday. Last tickets here, see you there 🫶

Some great people to follow for a deeper connexion to pleasure in your body:

• Juliet Allen

• Embodied Love

• Chloe Mackintosh

• Aisha Paris Smith

!°🎀 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓎 𝓃𝑒𝓌 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝓇 🎀 °!

I hope you have no resolutions and some intentions. Mine are for more peace, trust, and joy. In all parts of life. And being as true to myself as possible while letting go of the parts that aren’t actually mine.

I’m super happy to invite you to Magic Sᵉx & Being in the Body, next Thursday. We’ll be back at Finley’s in Hoxton, where we hosted our first evening. As usual, there’ll be food & drinks (included in the ticket).

I’ve invited Aisha Paris Smith, a somatic sex coach specialising in embodiment and bodywork, to come and speak about her work and answer our questions (always the best part). She is truly amazing - when I met her I was in complete awe of her energy and the power she gives off. She’s so present and wise. We’ll be talking about what it means to be truly connected to our bodies, how they are portals to our deepest desires and sense of love, and how that leads to true connexion and intimacy with others as well.

This is going to be our last event (for now!). We’ll still be connected though: this newsletter will carry on and there are some more exciting projects in the works. I’m so happy and feel very honoured to have shared these evenings with you. I’ll be doing a little recap of our best moments soon.

If you have any feedback (or anything!) you’d like to share please do !! I love to hear about your experiences.

I hope to see you next week to celebrate the ending of this chapter!! 🫶

Sending lots of love and peace and joy to you all 🌞

Ophélie ❤️‍🔥

𝟙𝟙.𝟘𝟙.𝟚𝟜 - 𝕃𝕠𝕟𝕕𝕠𝕟

𝕄𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕔 𝕊𝕖𝕩 & 𝔹𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕠𝕕𝕪: 𝔸𝕟 𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝔸𝕚𝕤𝕙𝕒 ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕤 𝕊𝕞𝕚𝕥𝕙

𝕋𝕚𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕥𝕤 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 🖤

𝕄𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕔 𝕊𝕖𝕩 & 𝔹𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕠𝕕𝕪: 𝔸𝕟 𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝔸𝕚𝕤𝕙𝕒 ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕤 𝕊𝕞𝕚𝕥𝕙

𝕋𝕚𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕥𝕤 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 🖤

“What is the body? That shadow of a shadow of your love, that somehow contains the whole universe.” Rumi

A close friend was recently winked at suggestively by a personal trainer at his gym. He told me it was an unusual interaction; the person seemed like someone you wouldn’t just have sex with. It would be different. It would be magic sex.

What is magic sex? I picture it as being something like this recollection by ex-monk Satish Kumar: “I never thought that I would meet someone like this who was ready to experience two bodies meeting in complete sexual union. I felt that the kind of meditation that my guru had taught me was happening in the complete melting of two egos and two bodies….We were in love; in love with each other, in love with the universe, in love with Shiva, in love with shakti, in love. Full stop. I knew what happiness meant, I knew what my body was capable of, I knew what it means to be searching and what it means to be arriving.” (full excerpt below)

It encompasses any and all of these: Letting go / Breathing slowly / Trusting completely / Feeling everything / Listening entirely to your body / Being in your body instead of your mind / No shame / L O V E / Full unity / Full embodiment / Full connexion to ourselves and the other …

‘Magic sex’ is not an official term (as you might have guessed). It’s not to be confused with ‘sex magic’ which is defined as using sexual energy to transcend reality, aka manifesting when you have an orgasm (this is a slightly New Age-y spiritual ritual).

Magic sex is closer to sacred sexuality, the idea that uniting sexually is a way of uniting with our souls, and with a higher power, since our bodies are our representation in the physical world. Connecting deeply with a partner during sex is a way to deeply unite with God, or with a whole version of ourselves (if you don’t believe in a higher power). And vice-versa.

For our next event I’ve invited Aisha Paris Smith, a somatic sex coach who specialises in embodiment and bodywork, to talk about giving space to accept and integrate all parts of ourselves, teaching us to delve deeper into our pleasure to "give us a greater sense of who we are".

Our bodies can be portals to our deepest desires and sense of love - both for ourselves and in relationships. We will be discussing how discovering one's own depths can lead to more fulfilling personal and sexual intimacy, and can help us to get to levels of connexion we are not often told are possible.

Aisha is an amazing speaker and powerful woman, she is a huge inspiration to me when it comes to embodied femininity. I can’t wait to share her work with you all.

Tickets on sale here ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Ophélie

*“'Relax, let your body rest and feel the touch of me without thinking’. There was complete trust and communication between our two bodies. I lost contact with the outside world totally. I was in a dream-like state. My body completely and joyously let go of itself. Marie Clay was like a serpent. It was the first time I had really experienced the ecstasy of love in a woman and the intensity of sex. Marie gave me full acceptance and feeling. I never thought that I would meet someone like this who was ready to experience two bodies meeting in complete sexual union. I felt that the kind of meditation that my guru had taught me was happening in the complete melting of two egos and two bodies. Through many different postures and positions, I felt my whole body going to a deeper level of joy where there was total presence of body and soul in the act of making love. Marie Clay released in me a hidden fire-I was on the peak of Everest, my head in the clouds. The night passed like a moment and the morning sun made unfriendly intrusions which we ignored. Our bodies were unwilling to part, our lips were refusing to separate, our arms had forgotten how to release each others' bodies. We were in love; in love with each other, in love with the universe, in love with Shiva, in love with shakti, in love. Full stop. I knew what happiness meant, I knew what my body was capable of, I knew what it means to be searching and what it means to be arriving. Just for once, I knew my destination. It was Marie Clay.”

No Destination by Satish Kumar

I’ve been feeling powerless and paralysed by what’s going on in the world at the moment. Many people seem to be feeling a similar way. We shut down and become desensitised when there is too much for us to process. Everywhere we turn there seems to be only darkness. The people who are directly suffering ask us to be vocal about their plight, to demonstrate and share information, but also to pray and not give in to hatred, anger and fear.

One of the most important things we can do is make sure we are empowering love and peace on any level we can: at home, at work, with friends & family, online. When we have the privilege of not fearing for our lives and livelihood, we have a responsibility to not contribute to spreading more fear.

We can do that through forgiveness and understanding, choosing to respond from love at every moment, even when it seems counterintuitive and against the ‘rules’ we have learnt from society.

It might hurt at first because we are taught to think that if we let ourselves be treated badly then we are victims and we lose our power.

But really, any time we inflict pain on someone else we are inflicting pain on ourselves. When we actually have the power to release and be free from it, thus releasing others too.

“Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

This doesn’t mean letting others tread all over you - you should still set boundaries, but those should be set with love.

Next time something or someone makes you angry or scared, take a deep breath and react from love: forgive them, smile, bless them, don’t react, don’t judge them… anything that feels loving and peaceful.

I wanted to share a piece of writing by my friend Eliza Moncreiffe which touched me and perfectly expresses the crossroads we stand at:

There comes a time where to be silent is impossible as the screams from the collective soul become deafening. I wish us all to vibrate highly in the direction of peace love and unity.

I’m aware that what we focus on expands so we must focus on love and the goodness in the essential core of each human being, creating a collective consciousness of peace, compassion and support instead of the one we see today.

Working together for a better world and inner constant vibration of empathy and love for all mankind and the world that we have inherited.

It is our duty to uphold the service of love and use that power to bring peace to our brothers and sisters world wide. Deserving meaning “to serve”. To be worthy and deserving of the earth we must serve it in the way that it has always served us and continues to do so despite the actions of mankind.

We must work together to heal our collective conscious through our thoughts words and deeds.

Who do we become in silence of such suffering? How will you leave this earth knowing you were silent in the face of such devastation and suffering of your fellow brothers and sisters?

How will this and your imprint leave its vibration on our world?

Elise Loehnen also writes about this beautifully :

AN EVENING WITH KATIE ABBOTT

The Mysteries of Love - 01.11, London

“Katie is medicine for the soul. In a world so obsessed with structure, control and goals, Katie works in a beautifully formless way. She is simply present and embraces our humanity, allowing us to be exactly as we are, embracing every vulnerability and expression - or non-expression - of ourselves.”

Last few tickets here. 

With love

Ophélie

🤍🤍🤍