Isn’t it funny that when you don’t choose somebody, it’s not that they weren’t enough. They just weren’t for you. But when you look at it the other way around, suddenly it’s about your worth.

Before I go in on that, I pour my little heart out about feeling run down and how tough it is to say no in the moment when you’re the person everyone comes to.

Then I answer questions about saying a final goodbye, and what to do when you’re so far away from trusting yourself.

Episode Themes:

• Why it’s not personal when someone doesn’t choose you

• How to handle the silent treatment without it wrecking your confidence

• Why exhaustion is a signal to recalibrate

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

What is that all for, though? When I ask myself the question honestly. I feel like it really comes down to a few things. Number one, what else would I do with my time? Like, it’s fun to work. It’s fun to put effort towards something. That sounds like solid motivation if you ask me. If I am being even more honest, I feel that the more money I have, the more attention I receive, it will help me attract more potential partners.

Is it all really for the idea of love? That seems silly, but it’s also so real.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to create every day, because maybe the joy is not in the creating itself, but maybe it’s more in what the potential outcome would give me. When I am getting those secondary results, such as women or social opportunities outside of work, it seems like those things take precedence over the work itself. Yikes.

Looking back at my life now, I can see this pattern. When I am single, no hoes, your boy is on point. I am locked in at work. When I get some motion, the energy towards the vision sometimes dwindles a little. It’s not a bad thing, though. I'd just rather be honest with myself. Why would I lie? So that I can act big and bad? So that people can see how motivated and dedicated I am to my goals? What is that all for? So that more people will respect me and my hustle?

The shit that I used to do for other people’s expectations is just insane. There is nothing wrong with chasing a goal or a dream. I have goals. For example, I do enjoy the idea of being a famous creator. I enjoy the idea of having a relationship. But what is the reality of those things? Are they the idealized versions of them that I have in my head? I made it to a million followers on TikTok. I always thought that once I did that, life would be amazing, everything would be easy … It’s funny because all it did was create more expectations, a deeper thirst for attention, and a never-ending desire to “stay on top.”

I don’t know if I have that same energy that I used to when it comes to my dreams. Am I just a failure? Am I just a quitter? It can feel like that. But the truth is probably so much deeper than that. For instance, what people don’t see about my life now is that, since I haven’t been creating that much, it's been a much more peaceful existence. Do you know how nice it is to wake up every day and just be able to focus on creating a podcast, writing, and coaching. Maybe this is all the fruits of building all these things in the first place, but I will say sometimes the grind is not everything.

Maybe this is just the season I am in. What I am trying to say is that I just don’t want to live a life that is in a rush anymore. I don’t want to live a life based solely on what I feel will bring me all these external results, because the truth is that the reason you or I or anyone wants those things is for the internal feelings we want to feel.

I already have peace and freedom if I choose to live that way.

That means doing what I want, when I want. I am not doubting that things take work. Trust me, even in my slower seasons, I am productive as fuck, but I just don't feel like I'm in this giant rush anymore. That’s what I am really trying to say. Like there really is no rush. It’s a well-paced marathon. It’s slowing down enough to live life on my terms.

As I say all this my mind instantly goes to I want to work more, I want to work harder. It’s funny how that works.

Now if this desire is pure (want not need) I will follow it. But you can’t go faster than today, and that’s what I remind myself of. At the end of the day, the more consistency I create on a daily basis, the more I will naturally achieve the goals that I want to achieve.

Maybe I do become a famous creator (again). Maybe I do find myself in a really amazing committed relationship. But for now it’s like fuck it, do the activities that I enjoy doing, from a place of peace, not for peace.

This wasn’t a piece to get you to work harder, but to remind you that who you are, as you are, is enough. You are okay. You can achieve many great things in this life, but do it on your terms. Don’t let the world bully you into a life that you don’t actually want to live, because at the end of the day, you are the owner of your own path. Trust that the one you choose is the best one.

With all my love,

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

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A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

It’s $15,000, my friend yelled at me about it, and then it hit me … the way I feel about that cat is exactly how I want to feel about a relationship. No rushing, no settling, no second-guessing.

This one gets into how my avoidance used to make me second-guess myself, how my actual relationship wants got confused for attachment issues, and how anxious people get lost in the fantasy of what could be.

This is about clearing the mist around what actually needs healing, and how to trust your intuition when you’re dealing with inconsistency.

Episode Themes:

• How a $15,000 cat changed the way I looked at dating

• How I stayed grounded when she went quiet on me

• Is it fear or is it discernment? (How to actually tell)

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

I can barely rip it out of my hands when I finally step into the shower. That’s when it hits me a little bit. I think about my past situationship for a few minutes. I wonder whether I made the right decision. Hmm, who knows. I imagine a situation where we run into each other.

That leads me out of the shower, where I get my first look at myself before the start of a new day. I am proud of the man that is in the mirror. I check in with myself. I feel strong. I feel equipped. It’s still quiet. Why didn’t I start moving sooner? It’s okay. I look at the laundry scattered around the room, and I start to feel slightly overwhelmed with all the things I feel I need to do. I rummage through the clean laundry I did over the weekend that still isn’t put away. I find an outfit I like, and I then head downstairs.

It’s still quiet. I look at the dishes from the night before. The garbage that I haven’t thrown away is overflowing. I guess I will take care of that later. I am late to the coffee shop. I clean the dishes and get breakfast going. I finish up and brush my teeth. As I’m packing my bag, I tell myself I’ll take care of everything else when I get home. I tell myself that a lot.

I finally arrive. I love the energy. My favorite barista is working. We glance at each other. She’s cute. I get focused.

That leads me to this moment right here. There wasn’t a point to this story. But that’s the interesting part about the truth. It’s direct. It’s not emotional. It’s not built on fantasy. It’s easy to ignore. It’s easy to decorate.

I do miss the companionship in my day. Having someone to communicate with, someone who has your back in the small moments. I feel guilty for letting go of my past situationship, because even though she wasn’t perfect, she genuinely cared about me.

I also think about the things I wanted to be different about her. It feels rude, but it’s just true. I feel guilty about that too. This reminds me that although it would be nice, maybe the best thing for me is to stay the course, even when it’s boring, even when I have hard days without any help.

Can I trust that my past self made an honest decision? It’s so hard, but I need to.

As I get older, I am starting to realize more and more the value of someone's effort and consideration. There is no higher gift that another person can give you. It doesn’t happen every day. There are many beautiful people in the world, but seldom do those people choose you and cherish you in pure love.

That’s just the truth about life that I feel is the hardest to accept. Genuinely, not everyone is going to value you. Actually, very easily you can feel like a needle in a haystack in this life, and that is the truth. In the grand scheme of existence and time, you are a speck. For another speck to appreciate you, and for you to appreciate that speck, like you are the dopest speck to ever speck this earth, that is truly special. That is why relationship-love is such a fucking gift.

But I am also all in for self-love. To have joy within the pureness of yourself is also a gift. I feel that at this juncture I have received that one. That is why, despite not yet experiencing the gift of relationship-love, I still love this life so much. I can appreciate this existence for so much more than just that.

I don’t take my singlehood and the opportunity for novelty in this phase of life for granted either. For I might never have it again. I don’t control that. That’s why when these thoughts cross my mind, and I feel a bit lonely, I just let them talk.

I also realize that when I think about the love I feel like I am missing, it’s the idea of love I have in my head. This storybook love, this love that’s passionate, fun, and exciting. And don’t get me wrong, that element has to be there, but the truth about true love is that it is so much more than that. Relationships, just like singlehood, come with all the range of emotions. You will experience boredom, fear, and uncertainty.

So really, underneath all these feelings and moments, I ground myself and recognize that whatever I am, wherever I am, is enough. And not even enough, but it just is.

That’s the funny thing about is. Is is not a bad place if you don’t see it that way. Imagine if you saw is as amazing. How much better would your life be?

See ya, love ya, your bestie <3,

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

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A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original to my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review).

I wrote something down that I think describes the dynamic perfectly. I’ll share my own challenges with avoidance and what I’m actively doing to heal it.

I also recap the situation from last week where a listener backed off a relationship fast, and break down how to lead with more curiosity and less defensiveness.

This isn’t about being the bigger person. It’s about becoming so much more.

Episode Themes:

• Anxious people lie to themselves about what’s at stake

• Avoidant people don’t take action until nothing is at stake

• How people go about changing their self-esteem in all the wrong ways

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

Think about what a want really is. It is something that you don’t currently have that you (in the future) want to have. There is a potential gain (or imaginary gain), but also the reality that you do not have it. Simple enough, but let’s take it further.

I know you don’t immediately think of your desires this way, because desires are exciting on the surface. Let me give you an example. Let’s say I meet a cute girl, which I have met a few recently. It’s interesting because in the moment, what happens? You start to feel some energy or attraction. You quickly build this inner excitement. What’s going to happen? Should I text them? How do I get their attention?

Without realizing it, the imagined future will start to take over your reality. This is where most people live their entire lives. In the world of ideals. In the world of wants.

Do you know how the Buddha said that “life is suffering”? This is what he is referring to. We all want what we want. But the quest for fulfilling your wants is also what causes you pain (pretty much all of it).

But back to my example. I used to not pay attention to this feeling of desire, and then I would let the feelings dictate and drive my decisions and actions. You might think to yourself that is not a bad thing. I agree. It is not wrong to go after the things you want. Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is an alternative approach.

Most people confuse excitement and desire for authenticity. Oh well, since I want to text them and talk to them, I should. Again, I am not denying that desires provide a direction, but what I am saying is that the feeling of excitement is directly correlated to fear.

Don’t believe me, watch this.

Why do you think so many people mistake intensity for love? Because without recognizing it, the excitement that you feel with someone is also rooted in the fear of not having it.

Why do you think the situationship, the avoidant, the person right outside of your reach, is so exciting? Is it really because they are stable, consistent, and calm? Or is it more because there is a subconscious fear that you might not get it? How exciting.

Why do you think gambling is so fun? Do you think it’s because you win every time? Nope. It’s actually because there is a chance of you losing. The higher the chance of losing, the juicier the bet. Imagine winning all that money? You're probably salivating at the thought.

You think that example sucks. Well, take the person you can’t stop thinking about. The person who just won’t act right. The person that you love. Why do you love them? Is it really because of how amazing you feel when you’re dating them, or is it how amazing you THINK it would be if THEY WERE what you imagined?

Have you ever questioned why you love the person who hasn’t fully chosen you? Is that too confrontational? You just love them because you do, right … yeah, okay. Are you too afraid to question your desires? You should be because you might have to admit that you are just scared of what something real would actually look like. No more chasing, no more spinning the wheel. It would mean that you would have to be grounded. It would mean you would have to stop avoiding yourself, and the lack that you feel. You are addicted to fear. You are addicted to suffering. It is all you know, so you subscribe to excitement, to intensity.

So let’s take the example home. I meet a cute girl. Instantly, my mind will start to create the picture. What could be, what I should do. But if I don’t learn to take a moment to pause, I won’t realize that I am in a reaction. Yes, this could be exciting (she’s hot). Yes, it could be nice to have this person (*insert imagined future experiences*). But I don’t want to show up in lack, and I don’t want to show up assuming they are the version in my head, because then I am outside the place I want to be: grounded reality.

I must lead with curiosity, not assumption. That takes practice. I want to take action when it feels genuine and organic. Take action that is honest and direct. I want to move with a calm pace. Trust that the right moment will come.

Think about you when you are at your best. You are not thinking. You are not wired. You are present. You are in your body, not in your head.

When I feel excitement, and the thoughts of what I should do flood my mind, what I do is I calm my body down. I ground myself in who I am and truly what I want.

I want a peaceful, deep, meaningful relationship. That isn’t built in my mind. I know that is built over a series of small, genuine moments over time. It isn’t instant. I don’t want to show up with intensity. That means speaking my truth when it comes, but also not letting excitement or fear drive my actions.

When I feel excitement, I realize it is an opportunity for me to overcome the fear of not receiving something. I face the fear before the fear consumes me. How lucky would they be to be with me? Could I survive this person not liking me back? What am I assuming about the person or the outcome? If I had no fear of receiving the things I wanted, how would I show up?

Here’s the best part, and the last thing I will leave you with. Who are you attracted to? Is it the person who is trying to get you to like them, or is it the person who feels grounded and confident in who they are?

The answer is simple.

People don’t like people who are trying to get them to like them. People-pleasing is the biggest turn-off in dating. Why do you people please, because you fear not receiving it. So excitement, in a funny way, is just another form of people-pleasing. Again, it is not wrong to desire something, but when the desire becomes so strong that you lose sight of your most grounded energy, you subconsciously push people away.

Ground yourself, take risks when it feels organic, and trust yourself that you will receive what you want if you stay honest with yourself and others.

Look at your wants, and see what happens if you stop “trying for them.”

Love you all.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

Subscribe now

A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

I share what I think the real difference is and how I identify it. But before I get into that, I play a voice note from a girl about a guy who told her he wasn’t certain, and the guilt she’s carrying for ending it as fast as she did.

I also share where I’m at right now: staying away from safe connections, and reflecting on my patterns.

Episode Themes:

• Why the push-pull dynamic is never real closeness

• “If it’s the right person they’ll figure it out” is a lie

• When you cut someone off from fear instead of love

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

First I thought about how purely single I am. Again, without judgment, just an observation of the love that I had and don’t have. All my crushes, dead ends. The slow realization that everyone I liked and who liked me has slowly evaporated. Fearful thoughts follow like ad-libs, but they don’t bother me. I don’t pay attention to anything that tells me I am not where I am supposed to be.

Everything feels so different, but exactly the same. The similarity is the lack of companionship in my life. The difference is how I view it. I am prepared for love. I am ready. I have everything I need. I have availability. True availability, both relational and emotional. I have nothing standing in the way of something pure. No situationships, no loose ends. I’ve also recognized the cost of my relationship fear that has dominated me for most of my life.

I’ve had to learn an enormous amount of lessons. Mostly the lesson that I have protected myself from real love through avoidance, lack of self-trust, and poor boundaries. Protected is the key word, because it feels like safety, but the truth is all those strategies only keep me further from my truth and the depth of love I want. I refuse to let those things beat me this time. The woman who finds me at this intersection is truly going to be one lucky girl. I’ve put in so much work to get to this point. I also know that I am going to be lucky to have her, because I won’t settle.

But these words and these feelings don’t prevent fear from knocking on my door. The thought of the love I’ve lost. The women I thought could be, only to realize they didn’t feel the same. Maybe what you want isn’t possible? Then it moves to thoughts of good women I passed up because I felt they weren’t right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should run back…

I just let the track play. It’s the background music in an elevator on the way to my next destination. I’ve realized that fear and familiarity are not that far off from each other. It is easy to go back to what is known. To venture into the unknown, to seek what is unfamiliar, to keep going even when you don’t have the tangible evidence - now that takes courage.

Here’s the caveat: people think that just because you take the risk, you will eventually get what you want. That’s not true. What is true is that without the risk, you guarantee yourself that you will never receive it.

What you need to be prepared to have is patience. That means being able to sit in fear and discomfort way longer than you expect to. For a lot of people, they don’t want to do that (and I don’t blame them). These words aren’t meant as a judgment but rather an observation of what is true, which goes beyond what I value.

I also feel that you need to be prepared for what you want to look different than what you imagine. When Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue, he was looking to set up a western trade route to Asia. No one ever ventured out that way before. But ended up in the “New World.” What’s crazy is he never realized it, but he took the risk into the unknown. The point is that you never know where you will truly end up and what you will find. Maybe it will turn out better than you imagined, or just different.

That is the interesting part of life. I feel like a lot of people believe in destiny and whatnot. I personally think all of that is a hoax. As if everything is happening for you (I get it), and while that is definitely the feel-good story of life, life is inherently meaningless and somewhat random. This sometimes makes people feel bad because then they feel they have no control, and we all want control so damn bad. I mean, how do you get what you want without control? I would challenge you and ask: How did you even determine what you want? Who is the you that is doing the wanting? Did you choose to be here, or did you end up here?

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on letting go of the self. That who you think you are, the self, is an activity that is created by the body. That’s why when your body dies, “you” die. That you are just a story that you hold in your mind. I don’t need to get into the specifics here, just more or less recognize that we are no different than the lizard, the tree, the rock. We just happen to have developed deeper self-awareness (than, let’s say, a monkey or a dog) and, as a result, created language, meaning, etc. But recognize that it’s made up. Instead of thinking you go to heaven, maybe just recognize that the experience of existence is the reward and enjoy what is happening as it is.

Well, this just went way too far. Sounds about right. All this to say. My experience right now is of a single man, finding peace in his solitude, open and ready for a deep romantic love, learning to enjoy each day as it is instead of what I want it to be.

All I want now is more love, more acceptance, and less fear.

I love you (whoever I is).

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

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A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

This one’s confrontational and probably controversial. But my goal isn’t to pile on, it’s to give you an alternate perspective on how this gets defined in our culture, and the dynamics that both people create.

I get into why the person giving and giving is also being selfish, and how your resentment is the indicator that you went too far. Then I walk through a listener situation where the guy starts distancing himself right after he gets emotionally vulnerable, I’ll discuss why that happens, and how to let go when it does.

Episode Themes:

• Why the victim is just as selfish as the narcissist

• Empathy is not responsibility (learn the difference)

• Why he distances himself right after getting vulnerable

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

I will share it here… and I quote “Hey if I’m being honest, I don’t think that I want to keep doing that (hanging out), I feel I know where I am with this relationship and I don’t want to do casual. I genuinely respect you, and I want only good things for you, but I can’t keep doing this if it’s not what feels right.”

And just like that, we are back into the void. Back in the coffee shop, working on another project. I stopped chasing love a long time ago. I know that love comes from within me. I want it, but I don’t need it. There is a massive difference in that. I don’t want you to hear this like I don’t want something real. I really want something real. Actually real as fuck. That is why I have zero tolerance for anything that feels casual or incompatible. I have no energy for those types of relationships anymore. I don’t need to give away my energy to anything that doesn’t feel right to me.

As I communicated above, very directly.

That is how I communicate these days. People don’t really experience that type of honesty. It was hard for her to hear those words. I can tell that it was definitely not something she was used to hearing, but I can guarantee you it was the best thing for her. The cut is clean, the vibe is clear, and that gives everyone a fair chance at finding what is meaningful to them. A lot of people get frustrated with others when they don’t provide that level of honesty. But honestly: I haven’t met that many people who actually say what is deep in the heart when they are confronted with the other person’s feelings. It isn’t easy. That’s why I don’t hold it against people when they do it. Seriously, I don’t take it personally because I know that people are scared of their truth. They feel responsible for the other person’s feelings (or mine). They think it’s about them being caring, but truthfully it’s more about their own fear of losing them (self-abandonment at its finest). As I said, I understand. I can feel it in my body when she is asking to prolong things, or she is wanting to bargain for more of my time or energy. It could almost feel disrespectful communicating what’s true for me, but it’s actually the most respectful thing you can do. Isn’t that weird how that works?

All this to say. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel complete. That is a good feeling. It is freeing when you remove yourself from the mind games and live purely from the heart. I know that I will find what is meant for me because I choose it. I choose it no matter what. I choose it when it feels hard to choose it. I choose it because I know that at some point, if I don’t accept what is true, eventually it will come back to haunt me like the Grim Reaper. You think I am joking? What happened the last time you went against your intuition? How did that go? Might as well choose it from the get-go and save yourself (and them) some time.

So it’s back to the single grind. Not a bad place to be. I enjoy my own company. I am not closed off to love. I have love in so many places. The small conversations with strangers. My friends and family. And even the moments with myself. Listening to music, in the gym, driving in the car, writing with vulnerability.

I know that I will have more opportunities for romantic love, I just need to stay available to it. Patience, openness, non-force.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

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A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

I’ve been reflecting on that this week, and on what would actually happen if that person ever came back. It led me into how much my views on compatibility versus chemistry have shifted, and the guilt I still feel when I admit and enforce my high standards.

Then I get honest about whether I still deal with imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and procrastination. Yes, but no, and I’ll share how to overcome them.

I close by going in on whether you should admit your feelings to your FWB. Is the gateway to peace of mind really blowing shit up?

Episode Themes:

• Why the shorter relationships hit harder than the long ones

• Do I still deal with imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and procrastination?

• Should you admit your feelings to your FWB?

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

I now focus more on how I feel, my breathing, what is true for me, and I just move in that direction. I don’t judge myself, or others for that matter. You have no control over yourself as much as you swear you think you do. I did this exercise with one of my clients this week because she was frustrated at the fact that she was still thinking about the person who she swears she shouldn’t be thinking about anymore. I told her … hey, do me a favor and stop thinking for 30 seconds … I stopped talking, and I let her try. I then asked, how did that go? She was like that was really hard.

Yeah it is, because while you can think a thought (if you think of thinking of a thought), the truth is, your senses, your brain, and your body are all on autopilot 99% of the time. I love the people that think we have free will, it’s so funny to me. But I digress. The overall point is that instead of being so concerned and taking everything in this life personally, I’ve let go of that. It’s kind of like my client learning to let go of the fact that her brain is going to sometimes think thoughts she doesn’t want to think. I was like, why don't you accept the fact that you think about them? What happens if you stop trying to fight and judge yourself so much and just understand yourself more? Understand and accept that you went through something hard with that person, and it’s natural to have those thoughts.

Your brain is built on survival, socially and physically. You are going to think about these people for a while. Some people longer than others. Let it go. And not letting it go by forcing yourself to not think. Let it go by allowing yourself to think of things you may not like. That’s truly letting shit go. So the same goes for my life on a larger scale. I have let go more and more (accepted) what life is, the direction it goes. I kind of just took my hands off the wheel and said fuck it. I have a rough idea of what I want. Aligned relationships, a life of time and money freedom, and doing things that just come natural to me. The crazy part is people outside of me probably think I am forcing myself to work so hard, when in reality I just literally do the things that are calling to me, and I let go of the rest. I will show you one day the power of this way of life, but I just need some time with you. Anyways, have a fantastic day, love you, bye.

Best,

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

Subscribe now

A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

Here’s the truth: most people don’t have a feeling problem, they have a thinking problem. You’re not overwhelmed by your emotions, you’re stuck in your head about them, and it’s destroying you in dating.

The stove is hot this week, I answer two situations from guys, walk you through the white t-shirt exercise that shows what’s really controlling your dating life, and get real about why the effort you’re putting in isn’t landing the way you think it is.

Episode Themes:

• How to get out of your head and into your body

• How your mistaking “caring” by proving and chasing

• You can’t shake the feeling you messed things up

• The gut punch you need if you’re anxious attachment

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you’re having a hard time getting over someone. Your mind races with thoughts of regret. You can’t seem to shake the nagging thoughts in your head that you might not find something better, or that you made (*insert*) mistakes.

Then you get the occasional moments of confidence. You don’t need them, you don’t care, it’s not right, how could it be …

But then the fear comes back around. Without realizing it, you're right back into some rumination or some fear of what you don’t have, the things you wish you would do, the things that you want but it feels like you don’t have.

That’s your life … running round and round. And if you don’t stop and pay attention to what’s really going on, you will miss the deeper-rooted issues at play.

Sticking with our example, imagine you slowed yourself down. Really gave yourself some space to see more clearly what it is that you fear. You have all these thoughts such as fear of missing out on this person, fear of starting over, fear that they will end up with someone else better than you, fear of all the change that might have to happen if you lose them.

You might even stop there and say, yeah, you know what, that is all really scary.

This is why I am thinking these thoughts and feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

You are not wrong. Those things are scary, but what I want you to do is to get even deeper. Go beyond the thoughts you're having, go deeper than just the initial fears you think you have, and I want you to ask yourself … what are all those fears combined?

What are you really afraid of?

You might realize that it’s not just a fear of missing out, or losing out.

It’s actually about you.

You might realize that the true fear has nothing to do with them, or the recurring thoughts and theories you have about them or their behavior, but it has everything to do with the lack of trust you have in yourself.

It’s the fear that you won’t get what you want, that what you want is too much, or that ultimately you don’t deserve the things that you want. Which really boils down to a fear that you are not enough.

Everything that you think is actually a result of these deeper fears and beliefs that are buried so far. It’s a clever way your mind has come up to protect you, but it’s also the reason you’ve avoided the real work, the real reason you are having such a hard time.

It never had anything to do with your situation or them.

It has always been about your deeper-rooted fear that comes out as being a victim of circumstances.

Life is just unfair, isn’t it? I’ll be honest, I believe that life gives you exactly what you feel you deserve.

Life isn’t happening to you. It’s happening as a result of you. As a result of what you feel deep inside about yourself, your capability to handle it.

I just want you to be more honest with yourself. Because under that layer of thinking and fear, there is a person that is scared to take on the world, scared to handle the consequences of following their truth, scared that deep down you will fail, or that you won’t thrive if you trust your intuition.

If you’re someone who wants to change this and find inner peace, you need to be willing to look at yourself way more honestly. You need to stop blaming your circumstances, and trusting every single fearful thought that comes across your brain, and get way deeper.

You deserve to live a life of peace, but that starts with working on your emotional and mental health in a different way. Not through something external, but with way more curiosity and investment into yourself, and how you are wired and operated.

The choice is yours. With all the tough love.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

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A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

I’ll spare you the details (jk no I won’t). But this somehow spun off into an analogy about how I got the ick from cigarettes, and letting go of toxic relationships. Emotional cigarettes. Trust me, it’s sensational.

Then I get into the situation everyone obsesses over: is it insecure to want your partner to unfollow people on social media, or is your gut telling you something real?

Episode Themes:

• Why some relationships are just emotional cigarettes

• The difference between boundaries and control

• Is it insecure to want your partner to unfollow people on social media?

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

My truth is that I have too much patience with certain people that I know are just draining. It’s hard to set a boundary because deep in your heart you want them to hear you. You feel that if you keep talking, if you keep trying, that finally they will break through and see it from your side.

You can spend hours, days, years of trying to force understanding, but if someone is not able to have curiosity, it doesn’t fucking matter.

I am learning that there are a lot of people who have the ability to fake accountability. They do it really well. They know how to apologize after a blowup or a big reaction. They can be kind for the amount of time necessary to get you to feel safe again. But as soon as the guard comes back down, it’s right back to the same reactionary behavior that has put the relationships at odds in the first place.

True compatibility comes down to the amount of peace that you feel in the relationship.

The more secure I start to feel in myself, the more I recognize that relationships are not complicated. They are in fact quite simple. The answer is right in front of you if you are willing to pay attention and be honest.

The tough part of owning the truth about your relationships is that your own ego will get in the way. Creating the fantasy of how you want them to be, and ignoring the truth of what is.

For example, it’s hard to disappoint people. You build up so much time with them, or maybe you have been through so much it almost feels like quitting or giving up.

The guilt you feel for being honest with someone can keep you stuck.

But it’s actually your own self-protection…

You think it’s about them (your fear of hurting them), but it’s not.

The truth is that someone having a negative story about you can be so overwhelming to the point that you end up not owning your truth about the relationship (especially if they have been so close to you or know many others that are close to you).

It feels easier to “keep the peace” than it is to be real and risk the fallout.

That’s why I said as I become more secure in myself, the more obvious the truth of my relationships becomes. You start to realize how much you try to control and manage each other’s feelings to maintain relationships, instead of just cutting the shit and being honest about the genuine compatibility you have.

If you are not being honest with yourself, relationships can also start to become transactional. Because that relationship is oddly providing something, even if it doesn’t feel good. People use relationships like cigarettes, just something to take the edge off of being alone, or to provide a sense of closeness even if it doesn’t feel good afterwards.

Here’s a cool little exercise you can do… I want you to write down the names of all the people in your life that are closest to you. That includes family, friends, and romantic relationships - anyone that you interact with.

Then I want you to look at their name and get into your body. How does that person make you feel? Are they a hell yes? Is this someone when you spend time with them you feel replenished, you feel more calm or at ease? Do you feel seen?

I bet that you actually might be surprised at some of these answers. What I find is that a lot of people have relationships around them, very close ones, that they don't feel deeply connected with or that are not replenishing.

My question is: Why do you keep choosing those relationships? Do you feel you need them? Have you been friends forever, or are they family? What keeps you from being honest with yourself and them?

Be honest, be real, own your truth. You can do it. You deserve relationships in your life that replenish you, that help you feel seen, that are secure, but it starts with you. It starts with you cultivating that deeper sense of security within and challenging any belief or fears that are stopping you from only having hell yeses in your corner.

Love you.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

Subscribe now

A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review).

I saw the most attractive girl, didn’t shoot my shot, and came home feeling like shit. Not because of her, but because I didn’t choose my truth.

But everything changed, I ended up meeting up with this new connection (that was unexpectedly fire).

Although, it’s crazy how the smallest moments shine a light on my attachment patterns underneath. I’ve been doing this work on myself for years, and I’ll show you what it looks like in real time.

Episode Themes:

• I didn’t shoot my shot (and why I felt like shit after)

• An unexpected new connection (triggered my anxiousness)

• How to soothe anxiousness instead of punishing yourself

• Why it’s hard to move on from someone that made you miserable

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

You work really hard. You push yourself in almost everything you do. You go above and beyond for the people you care about, but you tend to live isolated. You are so locked in on your goals that overwhelm is normal (even if it feels worth it). Little brief moments of loneliness are pushed to the background.

Maybe you have hit a point where you have written off relationships. You know that you want more from that area of life, but it doesn’t feel like a priority.

You’ve learned to become extremely self-sufficient.

This is not a bad thing. It’s not like your life is in shambles. Actually, more than likely, you feel very equipped to handle life. You are purposeful in your energy, and feel that everything will eventually work out the way it’s supposed to.

And I’m not here to argue because it will work out the way it’s supposed to.

But my calling is to give you an alternate perspective on this pattern, which might create more clarity for more authenticity, peace, and success.

The thing about the isolater is that there is typically a fear of disappointment or failure that is insidiously hidden in the background (under all the success and the outward-facing demeanor).

In response to wanting to avoid being a disappointment or a failure, you tend to overextend yourself into the identities of your choosing. For you, it is probably work. You push yourself to the limit in this area in hopes of accomplishing something big, being the star, getting the things you want, the one who could be relied on or recognized as such.

This is great, but you miss the little moments where your truth is being compromised for the positive judgment or the recognition you want from others.

All your time goes to accomplishment and self-preservation, and slowly the other aspects of your life evaporate, and it starts to feel like you have no time in the day for relationships.

You don’t mind because you are building something, but if I were to ask you what is truly important to you in your life (underneath the success or the drive to do what you do), what is it all for?

Is it so that you can be free? Is it that you can find the love you want? Is it so that you can connect with others deeply, help them, impact them?

So are you doing it all for connection, connection to yourself, connection to others?

Isn’t that the part that feels good?

Do you see how maybe your priorities in your life could potentially be out of order?

Ask yourself: why don’t you put more energy into your relationships?

Be honest.

I could assume it is because you feel you have no time, right?

I want you to go deeper, be even more honest with yourself…

When you get to that root level, you might feel that some people require more effort from you than you would like to give, or that you don’t have enough to give.

But why do you not have enough to give?

Is it truly because you don’t have enough time or energy, or is it really because you feel that if you gave more of yourself, it might not be worth it?

Can part of it be that you struggle to set boundaries, which contributes to your lack of time or energy towards meaningful relationships?

If that’s the case, I can see why it’s been easier to avoid relationships altogether.

Too scared to hurt people’s feelings, and too scared that you don’t have enough (time, status, money, value) for the people you actually want, respect, and appreciate. Or you just don’t see the value.

You avoid the ability to be disappointed by or be a disappointment to others.

You may truly be happy, but wouldn’t you feel more inspired and at peace if you had aligned friendships? What about a fun, grounded, and aligned relationship?

My advice: set better boundaries with your work. This doesn’t mean work less. It means be more honest with what you are willing to give and stop doing it to please. You are trying so hard to control the results and people’s opinions that you’ve lost the plot.

Stop avoiding the hard truth in your relationships. If you don’t have the capacity, stop overgiving yourself and say no. If you know that you find someone intriguing, maybe take the risk and shoot your shot.

Focus more of your energy on pouring into your aligned connections, connections that fill your cup. Notice when you start looking at relationships as transactional. They are not an outcome … it’s more than likely the point of all the work you’re putting in anyway.

Love creates love.

You are not a burden. You can rely on people. You deserve the love that you receive.

You don’t need more to be loved or to give love.

You need to let love in and then let the results multiply as a result.

Love you.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

Subscribe now

A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review, not even spell check).

I’ve been in a mini funk, but somehow it’s also the most peace I’ve felt in my life in a long time. The duality of it all. I’m actually emotionally celibate, and that’s brought me an enormous amount of clarity, but also this weird blank page feeling.

I get honest about feeling lonely (not the desperate kind), being uninspired even though I love my life, and being at the point where I’m established and ready to actually enjoy it with somebody.

Then I shift gears to a situation about someone going slow with a girl who isn’t offering what they really want, and we get into how easily people back off their truth because they want to be wanted.

Episode Themes:

• The truth about holding out for your person

• The difference between lonely and alone

• Overcoming the need to be wanted

Watch/Listen (YouTube, Spotify, Apple):

It’s an attempt at bonding, coming together for a common goal. You sometimes forget that it’s an attempt at love because, without paying attention, that quickly loses its flavor…

At a base level, a relationship’s strength is measured by its level of trust.

We are all scared of being taken advantage of, looking weak, being needy, being abandoned, being cheated on, feeling unseen, and/or not enough for the other person.

So as you can see, we have two opposing forces at play. We have two people attempting to join together in hopes of experiencing the joy of love, which comes with support, appreciation, shared experience, and a feeling of acceptance that is hard to experience alone. But this also comes with a lot of fear, and a fear that over time can be devastating.

But while this seems obvious (that it is hard), I don’t even think that is the main reason why so many relationships fail.

I believe the reason most relationships fail is that most people feel that they live in the same reality as the other person.

But you're like Chris, we do live in the same reality. We are in the same world (earth), living in the same community, sharing the same bed. We can feel and touch each other. Culturally, we follow the same standards of style, frameworks, rules, regulations, and laws … we are here in reality. There is morally right and wrong. There is common sense. You drive on the right side of the street. You eat breakfast in the morning, and you go to Church on Sundays. That’s the rules! This is reality!

Okay, slow down there. This is the point I want to make, and where so many people struggle in relationships at a base level. I am not even talking about love at this point.

Most people can’t see that we all actually live in separate realities. Your reality. Their reality. Your interpretation of events and actions, based on your beliefs and (hidden) assumptions, versus their interpretation of events and actions based on their beliefs and (hidden) assumptions.

This is where the issues begin, since most people don’t seem to understand that. They take their own world and call it “reality.” As what is real!

Here is the worst part: we want to feel secure. We want to feel safe. And as noted above, it turns out most of us are scared shitless of things not being the way we want them, or that security being taken away from us.

So what do we do in reaction? We want to restore reality to its rightful order, which is that we want to control things to be the way we want them to be.

So this is where the relationship issues really start to take place.

People are so rooted in being right and defending their reality that they lose sight of the other person and their separate reality. They close themselves off to curiosity, and replace it with defensiveness and control, because they are triggered and scared.

Welcome to Death Valley for relationships. When the fear becomes so overwhelming, and you have lost sight of love, understanding, and acceptance.

You are so rooted in your reality, in being right, in things needing to be the way you need them to be to “feel safe,” that without realizing it, your own insecurities have hijacked your ability to deeply connect with the other person.

This is challenging for a lot of people to understand. It takes a lot of work (this is what I coach people on) to begin to regulate yourself and to deliver honest communication and genuinely hear your person with an openness that allows for repair.

That’s the thing too is that a lot of people think that they are the secure one, and their partner is not. This is the pitfall with these labels as well. Most people in their own mind are so rooted in being right that they genuinely have no awareness of this.

Even the people that think they are the most self-aware, I find that these people in particular are the most unaware in my experience. The reason is that if you are so rooted in being self-aware, you are most likely taking for granted that you could be “wrong” or unable to see something. You will be quicker to judge, blame, or control.

Most relationships are not built on trust. They are built on control. Wanting to control the other person’s behavior to make us feel something.

If you find yourself being critical of your partner’s behavior in any way, that’s probably the perfect place to start to reflect. The reason is that more than likely you might not be communicating your truth about how their behavior makes you feel, but you are attempting to change their behavior to what would alleviate that feeling of fear, which are two different things. Most people don’t communicate with this level of vulnerability because they are scared and don’t trust others (which ultimately means they haven’t learned to trust themselves).

They also are unaware that they are trying to control the other person. This even goes for the anxious person who tries everything in their power to get the other person to love them more. The avoidant person who tries to control the level of distance from the other person (to feel safe).

When you look at your partner without the bias you have towards them, what do you see? Someone who is genuinely trying to love you in the best way they can, or do you feel they are really trying to take advantage of you?

Here’s the thing: I am not sitting here and telling you that the only reason relationships end is because of this. Honestly, you could be misaligned in what you value, or you are genuinely experiencing a lack of attraction or what have you. But if that is the case (and you truly have a trusting relationship), you would be able to have a civil conversation about those things openly and move on with grace and compassion towards the other person.

Which brings us to another failed relationship scenario. The only thing worse than a relationship that fails due to a lack of curiosity and understanding is a relationship that has lasted way past the expiration date. I call them walking dead relationships. You both know that there is a misalignment, but the fear of being alone, or choosing yourself, has become so overwhelming that it becomes a surface-level connection built on lies and avoidance (also a conversation for another day).

At the end of the day, I hope you recognize from these words that a relationship inherently involves two people! That means not just you, but also them. I hope that you can learn to slow yourself down enough to take their reality into consideration.

This doesn’t mean you accept behavior that doesn’t feel good to you, but it does mean that you can communicate more openly (and without trying to control their behavior).

That means communicating your feelings with more vulnerability and directness, but also being able to listen to understand, not listen to defend.

But you've got to work on your internal fears of not being enough to be able to do that.

If you ever want help finding love, this is what I do. Love you guys, talk to you soon.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.

Subscribe now

A quick reminder that all words, thoughts, findings, or definitions are original from my own contemplation (no AI is used in creation, editing, or review).