Sometimes you choose to level up, to let go of the old and move into the new. And sometimes you are dragged into it, kicking and screaming.

Sometimes you are ready, and you choose; sometimes the universe chooses for you.

It doesn’t really matter who makes the decision; there will always be a space in between, a gap, where nothing seems to be happening. No movement, or such slow movement, that it feels like you are standing still. Watching your old world get cleared out to make space for the new one. And in this time, your embodiment of wholeness is tested.

Will you doubt in the silence?

Or will you stand strong in your conviction?

Will you allow yourself to observe the space around you and believe it is a permanent state?

Or will you commit to your future self and what you know with certainty beyond logic, what is yours by divine right?

When I first moved to Spain, I was almost six months pregnant with a child that was never born to me due to losing her a few days after my arrival. It was a hard time, when there became a great space within me physically, but on the outside things were just the same. But still, there had been a clearing, and it was painful. For two weeks I lay with the emptiness until I could suffer no longer; I needed movement, I needed a shift, so I created one. I went out into the new surroundings that were still so foreign to me, and I created a business. I poured every hour and every day into building something so solid that it still stands today, almost 14 years on. Yes, there was hard work, but underneath that was an unshakable belief in me and my capabilities. Of imminent success.

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Previously to creating the business, when I still lived in England, I had experienced a few setbacks: a relationship separation and a house move that had caused me to shrink myself and become small, to hide away from the world and protect my sensitive heart and soul from further blows. Until someone found me, Someone I didn’t choose for love but for relief from a belief about my ability to succeed. A strange concept to consider now, as the truth is I have had many successes in my life, but when you are highly sensitive and…neurodivergent, you seem to forget the successes and focus more on the failures. They seem to soak into you more deeply, saturate you, and refuse to let go…and the pain lingers.

So when I lost my child, I guess you could say I went through a clearing. The universe sent me a message that said, This isn’t for you; you have something else to do. With other people, and although I initially resisted and became a victim for a short while, in the end, I could do no more than step back into my power, use my pain as fuel, and move away from a future that wasn’t meant to be. I had to transform again, even though I didn’t want to; I knew it would take trust in myself and what I couldn’t yet see.

At the beginning, when I started to go back out into the world, it was hard. I had to shake off the isolation that I had been in since before I moved to Spain; I had to risk rejection and failure…and I also had to sit in the clearing, in the space where the promise of a different future had once lain. There were no promises of success written, no confirmations clearly stated, just a gap to fill and a lot of energy with which to fill it.

After only a couple of months of building, with a belief in succeeding. The gap began to fill, with an abundance of calls and wealth. And pride in what I was achieving. Not just because of a strong belief, but also because of an energy that flowed from within me, that reflected authenticity.

With the baby’s father, I had to mask who I really was, a trait that neurodivergents often learn when they realize on a subconscious level that who they are isn’t always accepted or welcomed. We do it to fit in and to belong. And it’s so challenging to follow processes in life that were never designed for us. Because we are wired to create our own. But we do, until we cannot.

In creating our own processes, ones that work for us, we must take off the mask and reveal once again our authentic souls, prepare for criticism, misunderstanding, and judgement, because to do otherwise means the universe will once again intervene. It will clear the old out, then leave us in the gap, instead of allowing us to move forward.

When you are in that space and living inauthentically, you cannot move because your frequency will not allow it. The clearing wipes out what is no longer serving you, what is not meant for you, so you can move up to a higher level, but to do so you have to let go fully of what has passed. A challenge that isn’t always easy for sensitive souls, as we feel so deeply, love with such devotion, and attach so strongly, even though it doesn’t always serve us or is meant for us. And then we are forced to face the world again. In our own natural vibration, with the awareness that just as we can feel pain and grief so deeply, we can also experience joy and happiness at that level too. And that moment that we move back into that awareness is the moment when things begin to move, to shift. And then the gap begins to fill with abundance in all areas.

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Right now I am in the clearing; the next level has called me and would not allow me to resist. At first I tried to, then the depth of feeling called me back, but it was only short-term, the return. I tried to mask for a while, to stay in a relationship that cost me greatly. I guess you could say the universe had bigger plans for me this time. So I not only lost the relationship; I lost the place I called home and the place I worked from too. In the gap, I suddenly found myself, but this time with no home to call my own, no family around me, and nothing to call on that felt safe, only my true self and authenticity. A soul without a mask, and a purpose that won’t leave me alone.

I am now embracing the space fully and living from it in my truth. I am working away with quiet persistence, a strong belief in what will carry me through, what I know awaits me, even though I cannot yet see it.

This levelling up is harder than the ones before, because I know there is no room to ever put the mask on again. There is space, yes, but not the kind of space that allows a split in how I think, act, or believe. One that requires complete trust in an identity that I have not yet fully embodied…but must.

It asks that I be seen and heard, that no parts of me are hidden. Because all quirks and gifts, all pains and experiences are to be shared. No fear is allowed to reside within me, no anxiety or control to feel safe. Because what I am destined for has no room for such things.

This up-levelling requires complete surrender of any shadows that belong to the past.

I am already seeing small glimmers of what my new life looks like, in the invitations that are arriving, the new people that are moving in. Not daily, even though I would like that. But slowly, so I can adjust easily.

These times I am sharing with you have required me to look deeply into what I came here for, what I must share and teach boldly. They require discomfort and a resignation to never hide behind the mask again.

And so I come to you today with a hope that you will be inspired by my experiences and an understanding that authenticity is the only way to the life designed for you and the one you dream of. It holds all the joy and has the highest frequency…almost four thousand times more than that of love.

If you enjoyed today’s newsletter and would like to explore more and share this journey with me, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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Sending you so much love and wholeness

Nic xx

It’s hard to believe that you are whole. That there is nothing wrong with you, when you have made mistakes, accepted less than, made do with, and perceived yourself as being faulty because of the words or deeds of others.

Those beliefs grow over time too. With every cock up, there’s a self-criticism, a condemnation…a kicking of oneself. Especially if you are sensitive. Especially if every one of your senses is heightened, magnified.

And each time you accept that you are less than whole, you become more disconnected from yourself, from said wholeness. From your true identity. And it’s in this disconnection that we begin to lose ourselves, to look out more. For advice from others (I don’t trust myself…my judgement, my decisions,) to distract ourselves from the feelings and emotions that come with being disconnected. Goals and aspirations become limited; sometimes they seem impossible (there is no point) because to be disconnected means we have turned away from ourselves and our power.

And it’s that God-given power that we need to maintain at all costs. Of course, life is not designed this way; we come with soul contracts that we agreed to work through and fulfill. And most of them take us away from said wholeness, until we decide to return. Until we begin to consider that maybe there is an easier way to live, a way we are all meant to live. A connected life.

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When we begin the return, we also begin the reconnection; our curiosity increases, we ask “Why?” and don’t accept the same answers as before. In these moments, the soul speaks louder through our thoughts and dreams, and we then understand our true identity, who we really are. We then acknowledge that we are definitely more than the flesh. We are more than our bodies. We are more than our hearts and our minds.

As we continue on this path, it becomes clear that there is a force of energy, a powerful frequency that, if lived from, reflects our wholeness and also attracts to it all that is of a similar frequency. These things and experiences can only come into our lives once we decide we want them and, more importantly, when we feel worthy of them (Wholeness frequency). So we decide, and then we take the required action to see it come to fruition. And then we check to see where it is, and that’s when it all starts to go wrong. Because as we check, we move away from our wholeness frequency and the disconnection process starts again.

Checking the bank account, checking the email, checking social media, checking in with others: “I don’t know where it is,” “Where can it be?” “I am worried,” “I need it (to feel whole),” “I am not worthy,” “I am not enough,” “It’s not meant for me.”

Or how about checking to feel a certain way: “Do they love me?” “Am I loved, liked, accepted, forgiven, welcome?”

As you read these statements that reflect such a lack of wholeness, how does it feel? Take a moment to go inside and reflect. Are the feelings ones of wholeness? Of power and knowing? Or are they feelings of doubt and fear? Of neediness or maybe even desperation?

Your feelings and emotions are always guiding you through their frequency. Either back towards wholeness or away from it.

I used to be a checker, but through awareness and by creating more safety within myself, I am now able to get in front of the desire to do it, knowing the consequences of checking when it comes down to my frequency.

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I wonder what you are still checking? What takes you away from your sense of wholeness, of being worthy and enough? What drags you away from embodying a belief of deserving? Whatever it is, I have no doubt it was created at a time when you were not aware of what was assigned to you at birth, but at the same time, what you signed up to overcome was meant to be shared with the world.

So please share it and tell those who have experienced something similar how it disconnected you, but most importantly, how you returned to your wholeness and finally stopped checking for signs of it, because you had integrated and accepted it once again.

If you would like to explore how you can reconnect with your wholeness again, you can book a Free discovery session here.

You can also check out my courses online here

Sending you so much love and wholeness

Nic xx

I have no hate in me, not a drop.

When people hurt me, I cannot find it in me to think bad of them. Maybe its because I know underneath it all, the only reason people hurt others is that they have been hurt themselves. I, of course, include myself in this knowing; we are all just doing the best we can with the awareness we have at any time. Until we have more…then we must change; we must do things differently.

The sages say, “When you don’t know what to do, be like the creator.”

Do what he would do; represent and act as he/it would.

No change can occur, no evolving can happen, when you become what you don’t like, what hurt you. But I know it’s not easy, especially when the pain of the past still lingers in your psyche. When your heart is still protected, when defence and attack have been your way of keeping more suffering from your door. But you will suffer if you choose to do what has been done to you, because of a lack of awareness.

Forgiveness is not always easy when you bear the scars of wounds inflicted by the words, actions, and even thoughts (energetically) cast out by another. It’s so easy to carry condemnation with you daily, by repeating the story to yourself and anyone who will listen. But what is the point? Yes, people may listen for a while; they may try to console you and agree with such unjust behaviour, but all you and they are really doing is keeping you in a state of victimhood, and of what happened to you, what was done…alive. And life is too short for that, at least human life.

It is too short to keep the painful past in your energetic field, to allow it to consume your power, which is meant for creating what you do want, instead of what you don’t. It is not long enough for us to spend too much time recreating what we never want to experience again. So we must forgive…ourselves and others for not knowing that our inner selves were holding a belief and a frequency that attracted each other. We must try, if we can, to say! “What a gift!” When the lessons come calling, because it seems that most of the time pain is the only way we learn, what can move us closer to what we most want, what is meant for us, and what is aligned.

At times we may sacrifice ourselves in order to be loved and liked. To be accepted, but we must remember that doing such things is a choice that we make; we are rarely forced by others to leave our own needs and wants in the shadows. It may be that we learn early, in childhood, that those we wanted to feel loved by most had to be first because they couldn’t see us as something that had needs that should be a priority. And so we carry the story on. Until one day maybe we don’t, until one day we realize that we can still be loved and accepted, that love won’t be taken away by loving ourselves first. That some people will actually love us more and be happy that we are seeing to ourselves in a loving way. They may also feel less responsible and have a sense of relief that our happiness no longer falls on their shoulders.

Of course, there is the truth that always lies at a deeper level, that is unseen, but remains. Of our worthiness, of our true inherent worth. Of being so loved and precious, in our light. And if we were to keep returning to it, when life and pain pulled us away from believing it, we would suffer less. And forgive quicker and much easier.

A recent conversation with my father made me realize that to choose to be and act like the creator is the most peaceful and purest move we can make and is most in alignment with our truth.

He told me that my ex-partner had been in contact with him regarding football and him starting to play golf again. Initially I felt a prick of discomfort at this, because for me there has never been a complete closure of our relationship. But on reflection, I felt happy that my ex-partner could connect with my father. He never had a present father himself, and so I found myself able to find happiness for him in this connection. A part of me believes that the connection isn’t just about golf and football, but about my ex feeling some solidarity in mine and my father’s difficulties in our relationship. But it matters not, because I know that fear would say, “Think the worst, close.” But choosing fear only keeps us in it. So I chose faith; I choose what the creator would choose: “To be happy for someone else, regardless of our past interaction…because it’s who we really are and because we are all and always will be connected. Sharing energy, not just air.”

In a world that reflects great disconnection to us right now, with much suffering and unkindness, I know on a soul level that the only solution is to be more like the creator, to discover those places within us that find it hard to forgive, that still want to close our hearts and blame, but those actions only create disconnection. As a highly sensitive soul, I spent much time in said place, with a wall so high, so solid that no one was able to climb it or break it. Still, that wall only led to separation, to a falsehood that kept me believing I was too sensitive to be accepted and wrong for being able to forgive. It kept me safe from more pain; it also kept me separate from myself. From the identity we are all blessed with and from the purpose that comes with being highly sensitive.

So, I speak to you today of a deep sense of awareness: that love and kindness are the only answers, that revenge is not ours to take and never fruitful on any level. That it is much better in the moments when we just want to lash out or build higher walls. I speak of this awareness not because I have always practiced it, because I was hurt and have hurt too. And because our truth is always waiting to be remembered…

That at any time, we can choose to live in faith, like the creator, and feel whole and connected once again. To ourselves, to love, and to the life we were meant for.

With each newsletter I write, I hope that you are reminded of your wholeness, that we are always able to return to it, and that acting as the creator would provide the shortest route. Is it easy? No, but totally worth it if we are considering not only our life, but the lives of the collective and all that wander the earth now and in the future.

Thank you for reading me today. Please subscribe if what I write resonates, and if you would like to explore ways to reconnect to your wholeness, you can book a discovery session with me here

You can also check out my courses here

With much love

Nic xx

So much talk about regulation, regulating the nervous system. but its having the capacity that moves us into a higher frequency, that really counts. And it’s that frequency which allows us to experience more joy, love and abundance, and create more of what we desire.

Cast this awareness out into a wider field and consider the world at large and we can see why the world is in such a state of conflict and unrest. The world reflects the collective conscious state; it’s our capacity to maintain a state of regulation that is creating what we see in our current reality.

It’s not that we need to disallow disappointment, fear, stress, and other low-frequency emotions; it’s that we cannot allow ourselves to get stuck in them. When we are locked into fear, a fear-based frequency becomes our predominant state. And it’s a low-vibrational one that only brings more things to fear.

“Ignore the current reality,” the manifesting gurus say; stay focused on what you desire. And do what you must to maintain the frequency that reflects it, and I agree to a certain point. But we cannot always do that; sometimes things get heavy, we become consumed by finding a way out of the painful emotions we are experiencing, and it’s tough.

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We ruminate, believing that only we can find the solutions to our challenges, that we have to go it alone to find our way out. And this is our biggest mistake.

For most of my life, my nervous system was stuck in fight-or-flight; I felt unsafe in the world and in my body. And it manifested in my being unable to regulate strong emotions, especially fear-based ones. None of this was my fault, and if you have experienced or are experiencing this, what put you in this state was not your fault either. But when you grow in awareness, it becomes your responsibility to move out of it.

Not to run and avoid the intensity when it arises and creates feelings of danger, but to learn how to be sympathetic towards it, empathetic towards yourself. And to rationalize it also. Put the awareness you have into practice by not being reactive to it, to not play into its hands by acting out. Of course, if, when triggered in this way, you are in a highly unsafe environment, you must change that environment to one that doesn’t increase the fear and activation.

To become aware of being locked into fight or flight, life will unfortunately place you in situations and with people that trigger you; this happened to me many times. Until you have no more fight in you, to pull yourself out of the hole you are left in, frazzled and lost. But until that moment, you will keep repeating the same reactive and toxic cycles.

Breathwork, somatics, healthy foods, exercise, inner child work, IFS- there are so many different techniques to help you to regulate and create more capacity to integrate back into your wholeness. And I have experienced almost all of them, but I would say the one that I haven’t mentioned, which has helped me the most, is reconnecting with my wholeness, with my true identity, with source/God.

You see as I mentioned before, when we live from a place where we believe that we are alone in our problems and our challenges. That we are the only ones who can find the solutions and our way out, we struggle. When our nervous systems are on high alert, we begin to ruminate, going round and round in ever-decreasing circles, creating more fear, more anxiety. More stress and worry. But when we become activated and quickly reconnect back with our inner selves and then remind ourselves that we are not alone, that we have a system that is supporting us, that will guide us if we allow it. And find a way, a solution. We can relax and breathe freely again.

When we are connected to our truth and wholeness, we have trust within. And when we have trust, anxiety, stress, and worry diminish; they no longer have power over us. And we no longer find ourselves spiralling. Uncertainty doesn’t send us into chaos, we are now able to embrace it, even become excited about it, because we know, that no matter what happens it is for our highest good. To propel us forward into more awareness, more healing, and then a position where we can more easily move from the edge of fear into faith. A calm state of knowing, a certainty based on our wholeness and truth.

When we first begin practicing living from our wholeness, it may seem counterintuitive, as we are no longer moving into a place of preparedness for the worst-case scenarios; we are allowing and trusting that things will unfold as they should. And this is scary; we feel bare, exposed, but this edge is where we can begin to practice embracing the unknown, trusting in ourselves and what supports us…always.

Before, I was fearful of being abandoned, of being left, and as I carried this within my subconscious, I kept recreating it. Not only through an ingrained belief, but through a frequency. Now I know I am able to, with awareness, be able to catch myself before I spiral, before I step into rumination and try to stand on my own with challenges, that I am not yet qualified to understand or overcome.

My practice of taking 5 deep breaths, hand on my heart, and repeating to myself “I am safe in this moment and trust what unfolds,” grounds me in my truth, it reminds me that through the breath and my wholeness and identity, that there is nothing I cannot manage or overcome. That whatever unfolds is either moving towards what is right for me, or isn’t.

The breath is the bridge between the minds story and the hearts truth.

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Although what I speak of cannot be seen, the trust and knowing in something that is a part of us and supports us, still exists and is paramount to us being able to live out a life that is filled with more love, joy and abundance, than stress, worry and anxiety. Every time we regulate ourselves when we are tested, but don’t flee from it, we build the capacity for more. To hold more, to feel more and to create more…of how we want to experience life. We also enable ourselves to feel more grounded in our true and even create a feeling of certainty beyond our human logic, that life will always work out for us. Even when it demands that we level up.

We are all here with different assignments, different contracts to be fulfilled. And they become a lot easier when we take the time to reflect on the past and what mistakes we have made and when we decide to have the courage to choose something different.

I hope you have much compassion for yourself as you travel through life, that you learn to forgive others and yourself and love yourself through the moments, when you feel like you’ve messed it all up, because you haven’t, you just forgot who you really are for a while.

Remember to connect with yourself every day, through what you love, who you love and where you love. Remind yourself of you really are and how blessed you are also.

With much love and wholeness

Nic xx

Creating a strong connection to myself and source/God has provided me with a safety within myself I had forgotten existed. It has allowed me to live from a more peaceful place and also hold a frequency that makes creating the life I desire to experience possible. If you would like to explore with me how you can reconnect with your truth and wholeness click the link and book a free discovery session.

You can also take a look at my courses available online here too,

I believed I had to always be available, if I was to be chosen, but the discomfort rising up from my soul said something different.

Two ideas in conflict, my trauma still waiting to be the one, finally. My wholeness laughing out loud at the irony. At the discord, “but you were and always will be the chosen one.” “How could you not be, when you have the light within you, a vessel that is always available to expand, to hold more. The power to create infinitely.”

How dysfunctional to lower oneself to such a level, how disrespectful of one’s identity and truth. But my truth it was, at the time…for a long time.

I knew that resonance was the key, but knowing and emitting the right frequency are two different things. I had been aware for some time. But the old story was deeply ingrained, a part of me so well practiced.

You have to earn love.

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As an empath, I have this part of me that understands what lies beneath: unavailability. In my love life, it was my biggest downfall; in my work, my greatest strength. When someone I love put me in a position of confusion, I would freeze, my nervous system remembering “Ah yes, this is familiar, let’s try and solve it this time.” “Woohoo,” here’s an opportunity to finally feel worthy; let’s ride the storm, self-sacrifice and diminish ourselves further.” Makes sense, right?

But it doesn’t, does it?

It doesn’t make any sense, because in truth, we are worthy and always have been. And yet we often find ourselves with people and in situations where we are not fully chosen. We stay and hope; we focus on the potential, what could be. And all the while, the soul is crying out to be remembered.

What a gift (the sages say).

As we stay hoping, we leak light like an old car battery. Becoming weaker and weaker, losing our power to move. And in the weakness, the pain increases. “If I stay just a little bit longer, maybe this time.”

The nervous system doesn’t help. As it recognizes the old activation, it supports it. “Let’s try again, with this new person, who holds the same frequency as the last one, but with a different face and body.”

What’s that old saying, “If you do what you have always done, you get what you have always got.” And it’s so true. Because no amount of trying, compromising, loving harder, and being more available will ever prove your worth to someone that doesn’t want to see it. No amount of understanding trauma, how it shapes us, how we become defined by an old story, will ever create a different outcome than the one that is running in the background.

Sacrificing more of you, will never lead to you being able to hold more of what you want, it will only reduce it. Because in resisting our truth, our vessel will always shrink; we will always experience less than what we had before. This applies to love, joy, happiness, abundance, freedom…you name it, the whole caboodle.

When we succumb to an old pattern and don’t resist the instant gratification of calming the nervous system for a short period of time, the onslaught is always brutal. It keeps us up at night, makes our food become an enemy, not a life force. Creates chaos in our brains as we struggle to focus on anything but fixing the little us’s long-standing issues.

If we decide to converse with our inner child, ask it what it really needs, change can occur. Not easily, but surprisingly. I have never had a confusing answer from my inner child yet. She is always willing to come to the party and partake in my healing, just as much as she is willing to play her part in keeping the old story going; it’s always up to me, if I invite her or not. But the challenge can often be that our inner children get in on the act and start running the show before we know she has even RSVP’d.

You see, they forget about their wholeness. When they were hurt, they decide to put it on the back burner and try to solve things from a childish place that lacks wisdom, and unfortunately, when you’re young, the soul doesn’t intervene. It steps back, because it knows that we signed up for what we are experiencing, so we can eventually rise…and finally complete our soul’s contract.

So you hurt until you can’t hurt more, then you choose you finally. And at first it hurts almost as much as waiting to be chosen. It’s unfamiliar; your nervous system does not like it: “What the hell is going to happen here?” “Why are we walking into the unknown?” “Because there is no other choice.” “Because I am already on my knees, I am already lost.”

“Maybe this is how I will find me again. Maybe this is how I will remember…my worthiness?”

By choosing you, you initially feel the pain of pattern detachment, the breaking down of the old vessel, and then there is that moment of panic when you fear there will be no more light for you. But sure enough, after you have felt what you have been resisting, what your inner child has been wanting to express, the vessel starts to rebuild itself; only this time it’s larger, it has expanded its capacity, and then what was waiting for you all along can finally come in.

A love that chooses you, a life that aligns with peace, and a deep sense of knowing that it’s right. Nights become filled with sweet dreams once more; the subconscious can finally rest and no longer needs to wake you in the witching hour, screaming to be heard. The birds and the bees sing louder, flowers bloom, colours pop, the sky seems bluer, your food nourishes you once again.

And finally you remember that you were always whole and always worthy of being chosen.

You just had to choose you first.

If this resonated with you and you would like to learn how to finally choose you, then you can book a discovery session with me here

If you would like to explore my courses that will help you on your journey back to you, go to my course page

And please don’t forget to subscribe and share if you feel that my work will help guide others.

With so much love and wholeness

Nic xx

As part of my process in reconnecting to my wholeness, my truth and authenticity, I ask myself daily, “What is true for me?”

Today I came upon the realization that it’s so important that I, maybe we? intentionally connect to whatever sustains us moving forward. That the past unsolved will unravel in its own time and no amount of rumination will solve it. That in trying we only bring back the negative energy of it, which will never be useful in creating something different in the future and a positive experience in the now.

There have been many times in my life, and I am sure in yours too, when people have created ambiguity, kept me in the dark and confused, sometimes intentionally. But sometimes, simply because they have a lack of self-awareness or are protecting themselves and the identity they have created, so they don’t have to face their truth of what they have become, I say become because we are all whole at our soul level. I have also created ambiguity for them too…and admittedly for myself.

So the most powerful connection we can make, I feel, is to our own truth, to our wholeness, and awareness that reflects our soul.

Once connected to this truth, all doubts disappear, all negativity and fears dissolve, because they can’t exist when we are living from our wholeness.

I meditate to create this connection; I believe many do, because in meditation we become present, neither looking forward nor back. In the present moment, only our truth can reside, never influenced by anything outside of us.

In connecting to our wholeness, there can be no ambiguity, because there is no fear. So no one can influence us or distract us from our path. This is how we maintain our frequency and keep our light from leaking or being taken. This is also how we continuously create a larger vessel that can carry what we desire to experience.

When we are aware we are going to be challenged by a certain person or situation that may cause us to question our wholeness, we must connect with it beforehand, so as not to be weakened and therefore sacrifice our frequency by leaking our light. This is not a way of spiritually bypassing what we need to heal or look at; of course, we must feel any pain and discomfort that arises, allow it to be processed, and then return to living from our wholeness.

When we are connected to ourselves and our truth, we automatically move back into a higher frequency, one of love and compassion, of forgiveness and acceptance, of ourselves and others. We realize that nothing can be allowed to stand in the way of living from this place and that if we are tempted to consider acting from a negative place, it will only move us further away from what we truly desire.

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Taking revenge, for example; we may think that by acting revengefully we teach a person a lesson, but what really happens is we only create more negativity and pain for ourselves and them. And we also give them our energy and light. So after we have acted, we must then work to build our vessel back up, so it can carry light again.

When we consciously live from a place of wholeness, it brings about a solid feeling of certainty, of living by the light, which in turn brings about all we desire. But having all we desire is really a by-product; the real reward is simply living this way. Imagine if you can your neighbour stealing something from your greenhouse, some tomatoes maybe, and you are fuming with anger; you decide you have two options…1. Is to go and steal something from his greenhouse, to even the score. Or 2. You decide not to be the same as him, to forgive him and even continue to greet him daily as usual, allowing his own conscience to teach him about right and wrong and also the experience of losing some of his light and shrinking his own vessel and ability to hold light in his life.

Could you do that?

Can you see the benefit not only for you and him, but if practiced on a wider scale, the effect it would have on the quality of life for the collective?

Less war, or maybe no wars.

More love and acceptance.

Less abuse and neglect.

More tolerance for differences.

More forgiveness of self and others.

An increase in abundance of all good things.

Can you imagine?

Maybe what I speak of seems impossible to you, yet I wonder? “How did it feel to read this? “Can you see yourself experiencing such a world?”

I can.

I can allow myself to let go of grievances and forgive more. I can surrender to more love shared. I can do it.

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Look at this example of living from wholeness and consider adding to it a mentality that believes anything is possible, an identity that portrays infinite amounts of courage and reflects beliefs of faith and imminent success.

Could you live from this place? Because this is your truth. You may ask, “If this is my truth, why is there so much going on in the world that makes us feel like we are not whole, not worthy, not enough?” “That makes us feel like we are always messing up?”

And that is simply because we have free will. The ability to choose to repeat behaviours that have the same consequences as before, or not. Because there is and always will be the opportunity to make a different decision, to take another path that will lead to a more desired outcome. One that reflects our wholeness.

If you would like to explore what is holding you back from living a life from wholeness, you can book a Discovery session here

You can also explore my courses here

Thank you for reading me today, sending you so much love

Nic xx

Our lives don’t have to be full to be whole. We don’t have to be frantically rushing around to be living; we are already doing it…but maybe it’s time we were being it more.

Moving through the world daily with such a strong sense of our true identity and our connectivity to everything and everyone. Taking action at the behest of a quiet but all-knowing power. Being with a certainty beyond logic.

Sounds almost poetic, doesn’t it?

I guess that’s because it is in comparison to the lives most of us are living. With such heavy feelings or emptiness, in comparison, in regret, in unworthiness, in lack.

We try daily to inject a few lines of gratitude, to liven up the energy within us and raise our vibration, instead of slowing down just enough so our minds quieten and our senses allow us to experience what surrounds us. Such beauty, such peace, such completion. As within, so without.

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If we were to connect with our true state of wholeness, before we were to ask ourselves “What can I do today?” or “What is my journey’s purpose?”

I am sure clarity would come easily. No judgement, either, and each action would come from divine inspiration.

We would make life so much easier.

If we saw ourselves in a wholesome way, no fears would occupy our paths, because we would stand fully in our power, certain of success. And never afraid of our failings, perceiving them always as lessons or detours to our true destinies.

We would never live in doubt, it’s true, but in divinity.

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I have noticed that when I take time to consciously connect with my wholeness, the rewiring that happened when I experienced events that left me traumatized in my brain and body seems to loosen its grip; it no longer runs the show, but fades into the background as more light pours into my cells, making my heart and soul shine once again…I become radiant, joyous, flowing.

I know when I step away from my wholeness, I think we all do; it’s easy to define. It comes to us hand in hand with things we try to force, even when we have had a million and one No’s before. When we let fear stop us from what our soul is screaming for. When we know what we need to do, but keep stepping away from it.

Wholeness cannot lie comfortably alongside scarcity; it rubs it up the wrong way and then breeds contempt. They do not carry the same energetic frequency; they are not and never will be aligned. So you will always know whether you are living and coming from one or the other by the feeling of either friction or flow.

And of course there will always be the physical evidence that wholeness shows: simple yet limitless abundance. Always there to be expanded upon, ever present.

When you accept who you are, life becomes a game you can play easily, no more anxiety about what will unfold, what the outcome will be. Only certainty that reflects the identity.

If you were to live from your wholeness today, just for the day…just to practice. How do you think it would feel?

What would you do…differently?

What would you courageously move towards?

And what would you stop fearing?

I can imagine so much joy, smiles that reach the heart, a soul that dances eagerly.

And a sense of deep freedom.

Is it time you unchained yourself from living a lie about who you truly are?

Is your wholeness calling you back to embody it, so that once again your life will be one that you are designing, not resigning to? If so, book an exploration call

Or take a look at my Courses and see what fits!

I am so grateful for you spending time here with me today, for investing in yourself. I hope that you have been inspired to move back into your beautiful wholeness and reminded of who you truly are.

With so much love

Nic xx

I have no doubts that I am neurodivergent. I love depth, analysis, and tearing things apart (and not always putting things back together again). I am wired for it.

Yet, upon learning this, I cannot say that it brought much relief. Growing up can be and was confusing; there is no doubt I experienced traumas that scarred me; being misunderstood was one of them. Feelings of being unsafe, having to protect myself, built up, layer upon layer with every rejection, every miscommunication…every disapproval.

The desire to understand every time something failed became a rabbit hole I visited frequently, and with more information came more confusion…Is it CPTSD, PTSD, bipolar, ADHD, Autism, until I realised that it mattered not. What really matters is not what has happened in the past, not even what we struggle with. It’s reconnecting to our wholeness after the disconnection. It’s realizing that we are whole, however we behave, whatever our lives look like.

With this understanding, we are then able to stop needing a diagnosis about what’s wrong with us, because nothing is. Yes, awareness is helpful in most cases, but more often than not, it only leads to further disconnection from said wholeness.

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In living connected, we have no fears that freeze us into inaction. No limits that bind us to the past. No urgency to seek continuously…obsessively. Because in our wholeness lives peace and self-acceptance.

But before the awareness and embodiment of your wholeness can land fully, there must be a sturdy base to ground it in…and so we must prepare the body.

On arising, I prefer to shake first and release the stale energies that linger from my dreams. A twist here, a jump there…and lastly a swing, from one side to the other, like I am releasing tiny birds from a cage.

And now a walk, or lift of something heavy. Blood pumping, pride growing.

Water chugging, in between.

And then to the breath I go, to further the connection, and complete it. Hand on heart, slow inhale, slower exhale x5: ‘I am safe.’ I am here with you.’

And now, once connected, the question is asked: “How can I……..?”

“What do I need to know to…..?”

And then I leave the place I go to converse with my wholeness, the wholeness. And all there is. I leave and eat. And then at some point, the answer comes. Sometimes in an instant; most of the time as soon as I stop looking, searching. When I give it space to expand.

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It never fails when you ask from wholeness. Because in it there is nothing to block the flow; it is perfection based on alignment. And it is heavenly.

So, I ask you today to disregard what label you have been stamped with, what judgement has been placed, either by you or by anyone else, and seek to find and reconnect with your wholeness instead. Its frequency can override any diagnosis, I am sure. And you know what they say about living from a wholeness frequency?

You can change the world from it 😉

If you would like to reconnect to your wholeness and live in your natural frequency, you can connect with me here to explore.

And also take a look at my courses here

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Sending so much love and gratitude

Nic xx

Disconnected people are everywhere, maybe more than they have ever been, although I know there has recently been a lot of awakening.

After my first week of deep diving into ‘Becoming Her ’, I have concluded that life, happiness, love, peace…you know all the good stuff is really all about your connection to yourself. I guess I have known this for a while, but it’s about the full embodiment, right? And of course trust in the knowing.

When you are disconnected (I believe trauma is the main cause here), you stop looking within for the answers. You adopt the mentality that when things went wrong, it was your fault, that if you had been something else, things would have been different. But they wouldn’t, because you had to experience whatever it was; it was part of your journey, it represented your Tikkun, what your soul agreed to come here for. And so through the experience you detach, reject your wholeness, then spend a whole heap of time trying to feel connected again, through behaviours and thoughts, words, actions, deeds…external influences, others…and it doesn’t work; in fact it not only doesn’t work, it actually detaches you further. Because your truth doesn’t lie anywhere else but within you. It doesn’t lie in your beauty, your money, your achievements; it lies in you. In the answers you find, when you sit silently and ask the questions and the journalling that follows.

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Guidance is good; it is great to learn from others, but ultimately, to feel your wholeness again, you must learn to be connected to yourself. And live from that place even if it means saying no, walking away, or towards what you hadn’t planned. It means following what comes, from asking.

In my becoming journey, I have religiously practiced being connected to myself as soon as I awaken: no phones, no nothing, just quiet, silence, 5 x breaths and then asking myself/God/source.

What do I need to be and do today to be in my whole? To trust myself and what unfolds. And how can I serve and represent the creator/source/the universe? After 15 minutes, I journal…the answers are always aligned; they always come. And they are always true to my heart and soul’s desires.

Starting this way means that whatever I connect with afterwards will either resonate or it won’t. There is no second-guessing once you are connected, no questioning of self, which happens after trauma and disconnection. There are no feelings of influence or comparison. No desire to seek validation and confirmation of worthiness. All this disappears once you reconnect.

Disconnection is not always evident in yourself and others, and it’s often easy to live many years this way. Repeating cycles that ultimately become something we don’t want to claw our way back from, again and again. So we search for answers and ultimately find ourselves in another cycle. Until we stop and pause, take a breath. And it’s then that we find that what we carry, what we need, the healing, lies within us.

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There is no doubt that the world is a wonderful place; it has its challenges, its pleasures, pains, and opportunities for growth. It is the perfect place, I believe, to become…whatever it is you wish to become.

And it will definitely come easier if you understand, develop, and sustain your connection.

If you are looking to experience your wholeness and power, then Connect to explore your reconnection process

Want to join me in my 12-week program? Relationship recovery- from anxious to stable

With love and gratitude for our connection

Nic xx

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This is day 1 of becoming her. Fire…and all.

It’s amazing what happens to you when your life falls apart. You spend a little time wallowing… poor me. Then you move into the ‘why?’ Well, some do, and some don’t. I am a why girl myself. I started at the age of two and have continued. So I have been through the whys.

And I am now with clarity…in the F**k this, I won’t be beaten and have gone into full fight mode. Thank goodness, I think my angels are saying, she has been away too long.

This morning I had a webinar planned, I had been putting it out there for a couple of weeks and had mediocre interest, so I showed up today, but no one else did. That’s when I caught myself; that’s where I caught my Tikkun of unworthiness.

“What’s the point?” it whispered.

“What did you expect?”

“You will never do this”

It’s easier to give in, continue to play small, maybe take another job and slowly abandon my dreams and desires (Just like in the past… not only in work, but in my relationships also)

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But now, I am not in a place of making do, of putting up with stuff that’s not good enough for me, of lowering my standards. I am not even going to consider that people don’t show up because of my worthiness or my value. NO!

I have carried this wound around with me since I arrived here on Earth (The tikkun I signed up for). It has been reinforced through my life experiences, through my hospitalization, and through how others have projected that stuff onto me—NO MORE.

My initial reaction to the no-show was to make it personal; then I caught it…and this is where the real healing happens, in choosing a different path. A path that reflects my true identity, my true worthiness, how bloody refreshing! I feel liberated already, as a sensitive soul, who may just be moving into less sensitivity…Hmmm, I don’t know why I said that; maybe it was my soul’s awareness.

After this I know I will still be sensitive, still able to read a room, still able to have awareness of patterns, still neurodivergent, without being neurotic at times, hypervigilant. Slightly more discerning, able to make better decisions about where I need to be and who I need to be around. Goodness me…

The exciting thing about choosing a different path, when dealing with your Tikkun, is that not only do you diminish it in size and power, in its ability to impact and control your life, you also begin to break down the old vessel within you and create a bigger one that is finally able to hold and sustain all your heart and soul desires.

Here comes more happiness, joy, success, love, and abundance!

So the webinar is one hour; it’s based around how we can become more stable and secure in ourselves and our relationship. It has a different take from most teachings on this subject; it’s based around our Tikkuns and how they hold us back from having happy and healthy relationships and what we can do to overcome them. It will reflect the importance of how we feel about ourselves and whether we are living in fear or faith.

The webinar will happen this evening at 8 pm CEST; there will also be a recording available.

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This is day 1 of ‘Becoming her.’

No more dampening down her needs, her passion and fire for this Aries…for no one or nothing. It’s only 1 pm here in Spain; we are only halfway through the day and I am feeling the shift already.

I am back in my power, people, and expecting miracles this week!

How about you?

If you would like to join the webinar this evening, Monday, 20th July @ 8 pm CEST, click here to register

If you have enjoyed reading me today and are interested in joining me on my journey of returning to myself and ‘Becoming her ’, please consider becoming a subscriber.

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You can also work with me on realizing your Tikkuns and how to heal them, so you too can become who you were truly meant to be, through embodying your authentic and powerful identity by booking a Free Exploratory session

Let’s see how good it can get!

In love and faith

Nic xx

We all have desires…dreams!

Some big, some small. But they are there right from the beginning, just waiting…

Seeds sown through experiences, something that catches our eye. So unique to us, so individual. So led by the soul.

The Kabbalists claim that we all come here with a purpose, a pre-signed contract to heal a Tikkun (Soul correction), but also to be lit up along the way. Our senses recognize these moments as we experience them, either in pleasure or pain, and they are then recorded. Sometimes we forget what lights us up, and wander down paths not really meant for us, but they always become lessons, which then become blessings, if we learn.

And if we don’t learn? Well, then they become restrictions, held back by habits that keep our vessels within us small.

Negative forms of self-soothing, like food, alcohol, tobacco, or drugs, are used each time our pain surfaces in the nervous system, triggered by certain events that we don’t always recognize. Sometimes we soothe with what we believe is healthy, such as exercise, study, or work, but whatever we choose, if it is chosen subconsciously, it’s going to keep the vessel small.

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The vessel within is what enables us to carry the light of what is made up of our dreams and desires. Take money, for example, if we have a Tikkun of fearing the loss of money, no matter how much we dream of having millions, we will never have a vessel that has the capacity to hold millions. If we dream of having a safe, loving, and nurturing relationship but have a Tikkun of mistrust or unworthiness, we are not going to have a vessel within to contain it. We might initially attain it, but our vessel will be unable to hold it. And it will eventually be lost. When we lose the relationship we desire, there is always pain, heartache, and usually grief, as we do not understand why we lose it. We blame others; we blame ourselves, but once we understand that obtaining something is the easiest part, it’s the holding of it that takes the work. We see things differently.

Imagine a lightbulb: it can handle and project 60 watts of electricity, but its low wattage means it doesn’t produce much light, so if we want more light… then we need a lightbulb that can handle and project it.

We are just like lightbulbs!

My Tikkuns, as I believe I have mentioned before, were of anxiety and unworthiness. They have played out in every area of my life and been restrictive in my abilities to achieve certain goals. But in the understanding of them, I can work with them, and then choose to do something different, so my vessel can expand to hold more.

Everyone has at least two Tikkuns, so you must understand how they are currently holding you back, because every time they do, your desires and dreams stay at a distance.

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Take a moment now to think about what you struggle to achieve; maybe it’s been something that you have desired for so long, but it has always seemed to be out of reach. It’s possible that you have had it, or thought you had it, only to lose it shortly after. You may have even given up on it because your Tikkun is so strong, and each time you had to face it, you ended up backing down from it.

To overcome our Tikkuns, we have to be brave; it takes courage, and that’s why they stick so fast, because as human beings, we have a propensity for staying with what we know and are comfortable with. But there is no place for comfort in these matters.

Our Tikkuns are usually reinforced by the families we were born into and the relationships we experience, making them even more challenging to deal with, but again, in awareness, we are then able to rise and do things differently. To not succumb to them.

Some people reach the end of their days, never managing to create big enough vessels to hold their dreams, and long enough to enjoy them, and so live small and very frustrating lives. But the truth is, everyone is capable of achieving and living any life they choose; they have to be aware of the patterns that are holding them back…and change them.

Vessel first…light later.

There is a quadrant of practices that can move anyone rapidly towards expanding their vessel, so their dreams can be realized, and in my coaching practice, I guide people through them. If you would like to learn more, please don’t hesitate to book a Discovery session

Or join me on Monday 20th July @11am CEST (Recording available also) where we will explore how you can move from being ‘Anxious to Stable’ in your relationships with the help of the principles of Kaballah. Book your Free place here

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Sending you so much love and gratitude for joining me on this journey,

Nic xx

I love to write. I know that due to my experiences in life, I also have a lot to share when it comes to healing and reconnecting with ourselves, our truth, and the source of our power to create, that being God/Energy/The universe, but a lot of the time, I hold myself back. Some would call it procrastination, some avoidance…I believe they are possibly all the same thing, and this belief was even more predominant in my awareness when I learnt about Tikkuns. About the teachings of the Jewish sages, who professed that we all come here with an agreement to heal something that is part of our soul’s contract.

In everyday life, we observe and experience others and ourselves struggling with patterns of behaviour we can’t seem to break. Whether it be a block in relationships, resulting in toxic cycles that create more and more suffering, each time they come around. Health challenges that keep circling, glass ceilings in business. And maybe a cap on abundance and prosperity. Whatever it is, there is a wall that just can’t seem to be broken through.

When this occurs in our lives, the sages say it is the Tikkun that is coming up to show you what needs to be overcome and healed to fulfill the soul contract and rise to the next level. Often, when these moments come up, the feelings that come with them are the most challenging we have ever experienced, so we resist the discomfort, believing that when we do, the feelings will die down, and they do, for a while, but the Tikkun doesn’t because it has won. By resisting it, you allow it to thrive and lie in wait for the next challenge…the next opportunity for it to test you.

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Every time we turn away and back down to our Tikkun, our lives become more difficult and our dreams further away.

One of my Tikkuns was ‘Worthiness,’ and it showed up in my work life as a resistance to expressing myself in the written word, my chosen form of expression, causing me to back away from what I needed to do, for fear of my work not being enough, of being worthy of being seen. This, of course, led to a great deal of frustration, because I was always allowing it to win. Always backing away from it.

But more importantly, it presented itself in my intimate relationships as toxic cycles that left me constantly having to heal my heart and repair it every time one ended. After what seemed like a lifetime of heartache, and with little hope of ever having a relationship that was fulfilling, stable and without high levels of anxiety, knowing my Tikkun was priceless. And has left me with a desire to share, my findings and help others to release their toxic cycles, once and for all (See the end of this article for an opportunity to Join my FREE online workshop July 20th @ 11am CEST

When I learned the teachings of Kaballah and was able to reconnect with my truth, our truth, I was able to move from fear to faith, to strengthen my conviction that I was a powerful being, just like you. That I was always supported, loved by a higher power that was ever present, waiting to work with me and assist me in creating and attracting what I desired, not only within my work, but in every aspect of my life.

There is so much relief and peace to be found when you realize you have only a part to play in creating your life, that all you have to do is be yourself, realize what it is you desire, take actions towards it, and then surrender to the results, how they will happen and when. Not all of the process is yours to manage and control. You can let go and allow things to come to you instead of desperately trying to force them. There’s joy that comes from living from a place of certainty, instead of uncertainty. From a place of power instead of powerlessness.

To understand your Tikkuns, you have to spend time looking at your life, your thoughts, your behaviours where, like me, you are resisting difficulties and maybe procrastinating. What you keep putting on the back burner, or what is always being transferred to the next day’s list.

Doing the hard stuff is generally where the Tikkun lives, or should I say lies under the surface. And it’s the hard stuff that is the gateway, the key to creating a vessel that is capable of holding all you desire to create and experience.

Where in your life are you indulging in a pattern?

What are you avoiding because it is hard and uncomfortable and carries fear?

What is painful to push through that is currently keeping you small?

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Your Tikkun can be anything, but it is always going to hold the key to freedom, joy, love, success, abundance, and health. A different life lives on the other side of it…so what are you waiting for?

Take the bold step, move forward and through the discomfort with courage…you have to. Because if you don’t, life is never going to look like what you envision it to be. No matter how much you wish for it.

Connected to self is a publication that is designed to bring you back to you, through the written word and through coaching programs and one-to-one online sessions. It addresses what lies beneath your biggest fears and limitations. It brings generational trauma to the forefront and then gently releases it, so that your power can resume and with it your ability to live fully and create limitlessly, with love and in surrender.

If you would like to understand your Tikkun, I would love to explore with you through a Discovery session

To join in my next FREE workshop From Anxious to stable on Monday 20th July @ 11am CEST

If you have enjoyed and maybe learned something today, please

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With much love and light

Nic xx

If you have been following my recent deep dive into healing the last part of my generational trauma, I hope that what you are about to read resonates and that you are the same as me, so that maybe we can connect. That you will leave me a comment and tell me of your experiences and also your understanding of what it’s been like for you on your journey so far.

The people who have the most to offer in this world are often those who have to suffer the most. Kaballah says that when we come to this earthly plane, we have a soul contract that asks to be fulfilled, a great challenge to overcome for us to reach our potential.

Right now, the planets are asking all of us to align with our truth, our authenticity, and rise, face our fears, and once and for all let go of the toxic cycles that we have been tied up in, that are keeping us away from living on our highest timeline, in love, peace, joy, abundance, and unity.

Some have more to face than others, intuitive introverts, empaths, neurodivergents, starseeds…whatever you want to call them, the name matters not. What matters more is that they know they are not alone in their healing, that they no longer feel like they are the odd ones out or have to fit in, that they are called to take up space now in the world, more than ever, and to lead from the soul and the heart.

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These people are the ones who learned to mask their natural gifts and talents because they lived in the shadows, under societal rules and expectations. They suppressed what they came here to share, for the world to become a better place for everyone and everything to live in. They may have been seen as the black sheep of the family, the ones who say “No” to what doesn’t align with their strong sense of inner values, who seem rebellious, the ones who are fearful, yet courageous and driven to risk it all for said values.

These are the ones they sometimes call ‘Late bloomers’ by those who are still struggling to understand.

They are sensitive because their families, who came before them, were, and also because they can read a room before they enter it. They observe others, with finely tuned senses, that not only notice, but record any slight behaviour change, storing the information, so they can recognise a pattern and often predict the future, way before it happens.

It sounds wonderful to be one of these people, doesn’t it? And it truly is, once they step into their power and heal their Tikkuns, the soul contracts that they have to overcome to live fully. But first, there is the healing. The removal of the heavy weight that they were born with, which has been carried down by generations.

It starts with awareness, which comes most of the time through pain, through rejection, abuse, and neglect. Great suffering, that they mostly do alone at the beginning, in dark rooms that hold their tears and grief, with cries of loneliness, at the unfairness of it all. At the confusion of how others seem to sail through life on the surface…only really skimming it, those never meant for the deep dive, or to ask “Why?” a million times a day.

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When they finally come out of the darkness, what is amazing is that these individuals can still, after all the pain that is inflicted upon them, live from their hearts, still love unconditionally, still have faith. And patience.

What is sad is that when they do emerge, with the purest of intentions, often others will see purity as weakness; they use them and abuse them, thinking they are like everyone else, and that only compounds the pain even more. Until it doesn’t, until they reach their limit. Until they shut the door, not because their hearts are closed, but because they cannot take any more. And it’s in these moments that the world around them is shocked, because they are not loud when they stop giving; no, they are just done then with begging and pleading for change, to be heard and felt. In these moments, they choose to silently slip away because they now see their true value. And understand that not everyone is worthy of their time and attention, or ready.

Self-protection.

When this type of person has had enough, they move into self-protection, they stop trying to protect everyone else from what will hurt them, and they apply it to themselves. They start to say "No “ and prioritise their own needs above others. Say “Yes” to their own joy and happiness, and if they do, something miraculous happens: the conditioning and masking they learnt to survive start to slip; their Tikkuns, which they came here to overcome, begin to loosen their grip. And their vessel within starts to let in light. It starts to expand and grow until they, too, have lives that are easy and flow. Full of more love and abundance than someone so wounded before could ever imagine. So much so that they can begin to reconnect with their desires again, to help others, but this time from a different place. From a place of wholeness, of worthiness.

A place that I am building daily. I came here to heal my Tikkuns of anxiety and worthiness. I discovered them through the same process I have just described to you. And I am healing them, predominantly through reconnection to my truth, my real identity of the mind, body, and of course, my soul.

After a time of searching, analysing, and reflecting, the biggest healing modality I have found is reconnecting to God/source/the universe. Through firstly accepting who I truly am, a spiritual being, having a human experience. A gifted soul, who is highly intuitive, that knows things without knowing how. Through being in silence and quieting the mind, through acknowledging that I am just a vessel that is being used as a channel. Through surrendering to the fact that only the creator has control and we have little to none.

Living this way feels like such a relief, as there is no longer the need to worry about anything, about who likes you or loves you, who will stay or go. It means judgement no longer threatens your identity, criticism carries no weight. Absence no longer feels like danger, and survival is no longer a state to be lived in. It also means thriving is, if not currently experienced, then imminent.

After the healing process (it’s ongoing for most), the sharing of the wisdom is vital; it’s the purpose and must be lived to keep oneself in the light, so as not to allow the darkness to come back in again. Many go through this process, numerous times. Until they don’t.

The sharing comes through the written word, through art and music; it comes through spaces of intentional connection and teaching. And most of all, through LOVE.

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Connected to Self is a publication that offers those who are stuck in toxic cycles, created by generational trauma. Who has a great light to share, but has not yet got the capacity to hold it and shine it out. Who know their purpose is a great one, but cannot close down their Tikkuns, to do the work they have been assigned, in joy, love, peace, abundance, and unity. If this sounds like you, you can go here to sign up for a free discovery session

With love and light

Nic xx

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I can’t remember when I started not wanting to go into the house when I reached home. When I think about it now, it saddens me greatly. Because this was the house that I couldn’t wait to get back to, the place where love was, the place I belonged. It was also the place where I decided to forego my needs to meet his, because I sensed them, and also because there were clues…subtle hints left scattered in words that he spoke: “I missed you.”

“You’re late,” when I returned home after a dinner with a friend, while he was watching a football match with my dad. A tone of voice that I perceived at the time was one of love. I later thought it was controlling, and to some extent it was, but behind the control, I now know, there was fear. The fear reflected the same fear I held within my mind, my nervous system, and fascia. The one born from a childhood of emotional neglect and inconsistency.

When I returned that night, I felt anxious. My nervous system already knew that he wouldn’t be happy. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t shout or yell, but I felt it all the same. Maybe that was the moment I decided I should forego my needs, my desires to go riding with a friend, or have one night out a week.

He always encouraged me to go to yoga on Saturdays. We agreed it was good for me, but even then, after being home late one time, after coffee with the girls, I saw his anger. At the time, he said he was just worried about me. I don’t know, but I loved that worry, that care, the love…But I didn’t like the feeling of control that lay in between the words.

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I am and always have been the most loyal and devoted partner. I love hard. I am an Aries sun, and we don’t mess about in relationships. I also have Libra rising, which makes me have a strong desire to be in a partnership. A healthy relationship is my foundation for building my outside world. Now, once again, I am having to build that strong relationship foundation with myself. I had it before him, and I am sure I will have it again, but this time it’s harder; I loved him a lot. And I miss him. I miss our routines; two tea mugs waiting for me each morning with teabags inside and one spoon. When he learnt I loved the written word, he would often leave a note on top of one of them saying “I love you xx.” he wrote lots…I have them all.

I believe we had a lot of love between us, but yes, we had a lot of other stuff between us, too. Like not speaking up, I tried, but was rarely successful in my ploy to understand what his intentions were. I think he found it uncomfortable; maybe he saw it as criticism, but it was in no way intended to be. He was succeeding in so many ways in the relationship. I adored this man…I guess you have realized that by now, I still do.

He thought of everything: flowers, gifts, affection, amazing sex…so much love. So much unsaid that should have been.

And also two different attachment styles.

We didn’t survive perimenopause or the passing of my beloved dog “Alesha,” a deathly combination that heightened my strong emotions and had me crying many times. He didn’t know what to do when I cried; maybe it was because there had been so many tears at another time in his life, and he felt responsible for them, but could never quite manage to clear them up. The thing is, I never wanted him to clear mine up, but to just sit with me, be present until they eventually dried up.

I left one night, after a situation where we both had had enough of being misunderstood, I believe. Looking back, I think that we both just didn’t have the capacity to deal with what was being presented. I wish we had.

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I went to a friend’s house, so hurt, so confused. I shut down. My emotions can overwhelm me at times, but I know I have them under control now. I understand myself better now. I stayed at the house, and for weeks, we barely talked. I missed him so much, and finally, we agreed that I would stay at our home for part of the week and live with my friend for part of the week. An arrangement that left me feeling unstable and uncertain, and after a few months, everything fell apart again.

Stability is a big thing for me, and having to leave our home twice weekly, where all my things were, was extremely hard. A few times, I tried to talk to him about living together again, about talking things through, about where we went wrong last time, about how we could resolve it in the future, but he wouldn’t, so I guess I will never know.

I believe there was a red line of unworthiness running between both of us; insecurity increased for both, because of how we behaved at times. We didn’t say enough and ultimately ended up saying too much of the wrong thing.

And now I am here, in another place. With all my things, but not him. Wishing I had stayed connected to myself and maintained my hobbies and friendships. I think a big part of me felt that if I had done that in the relationship, it would have ended sooner; again, I guess I will never know.

So I had to sit and contemplate, ask myself, “Where and when did I learn that I had to sacrifice my own needs to be loved?”

Was it in the moments I was left in the hospital as a baby, without my mother, when I was having a life-saving operation?

Or was it in the times I observed my father not wanting to be with my mother and I, but expressing his love through money and gifts?

Or hearing my mother say, “Your father thinks more about money than he does anything else.”

Watching her, wait…patiently for him to choose her, until there was nothing left of her to choose, because she lay before us both in a coffin in the crematorium, at the age of sixty-two.

I guess I will never know if he and I could have made it, if we had known better, had the capacity to hold ourselves, our nervous systems. To be more vulnerable and speak our truths. But what I do know is that we have to know our truth, as human beings. We have to choose ourselves too and validate ourselves in whichever way was chosen for us before we came here, to Earth. We are both humanitarians by nature, he driven by sympathy, me by empathy. We both had a desire to give too much, and we lost ourselves at times. And I guess, because we haven’t spoken or seen each other for a while now, that we are both clawing ourselves back.

It isn’t always through love that we self-sacrifice, but more so than anything else, and until the reason is fully exposed, it travels invisibly. In words that don’t reflect what we truly feel, and in actions we cannot take back. Until someone recognises and admits that they need certain things to be happy, that they don’t always match what someone else holds dear. In the values that I think we may inherit.

Not being yourself becomes impossible because it seeps into every area of your life. If you pretend you like something and you don’t, it reflects in your tone, in the way you act and in the way you express yourself. Not living authentically and at times vulnerably repels others; it makes them feel like they have to work things out, and if they have some trauma still running through their veins, working things out filters through negativity, like fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism, and judgement. When healing needs to take place in a relationship, there is no space for trying to work things out. Honesty needs to be at the forefront.

The ancient sages who speak of Kaballah would say that ultimately everything is up to the creator, that we control nothing, and I believe this to be true. We can plan, put in effort and show up for our goals and our dreams, but whether it is a lesson or a blessing, it will unfold how it is meant to for our higher good.

Me? I am reconnecting to myself and the creator/source energy every day. I have released all fear, moved into a place of faith, and am working on embodying the best version of myself. I have released all judgment of myself and my partner, knowing that negativity towards another can only come back to me, and negativity towards myself will only lower my vibration.

But doing all these things doesn’t mean that I am not grieving; there are days when the tears fall silently, in the strangest of places. In the supermarket, thinking about not returning to our home. When I don’t see him anywhere no matter how hard I look. At night, when there is no one to hold my hand or me as I fall asleep.

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When someone takes up space in your heart and your life, it takes time to fill it after they have gone. And the only way is through re-connecting fully to yourself. Honouring your needs, creating joy once again, being patient with yourself in the moments when you think you have it all together and you feel like you are falling apart again. Allowing yourself to feel things as they come up, to not suppress them but to allow them to be expressed, so that the old traumatic cycles can be completed. And peace can once again be felt and wholeness be acknowledged too.

If you are tired of continuously being caught up in a toxic relationship cycle, being emotionally exhausted, and losing hope, Book a FREE discovery session and let’s explore what needs to be released so you can finally have a relationship with yourself and another.

In love and harmony

Nic xx

I am not really sure how far back it started, the cycle, I mean. I can only really remember vague details about my grandmother’s life; she passed away when I was five years old. But my mother told me enough in the time we had together; she also passed at sixty-two years of age, just like my gran.

Laura Marshall married Clifford Greaves based on attraction. She was a beautiful young woman who never knew her worth. I believe this was probably due to women not being able to embody their true identities in the 1930’s. They weren’t able to earn their own money, have their own careers, or make their own choices. Then, women were meant to stay at home and look after their husbands and children.

Women in the 30’s married forever; whatever bed they made, they had to lie in it for life. And Laura did with her husband, who also lay beside many other women. I say this not to disrespect my grandad in any way; in the eleven years I knew him, he was nothing but kind and loving towards me, but sadly, to my gran and his children, he was not.

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He gambled, and he drank away whatever he earned. He spent little to no time with his six children, Terry, Barry, Susan(my mum), David, Alan, and Sally. And most of his time in the pub and the bookies, placing bets. A life that suited him, but not his family, who suffered greatly in poverty and a lack of love.

I am not sure whether my gran’s lack of self-worth came completely from her status as a woman in that era, or whether her mother also had issues of self-worth; I guess I will never know. But what I do know is what was passed down through genes and upbringing, to my mother and to I.

Generational trauma.

Trauma is not passed down through DNA changes, but through epigenetics, chemical tags that attach to the genes. Once attached, they turn specific genes on or off, changing how the body manages stress and so making future generations more likely to struggle with anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Trauma can also transfer through pregnancy, if the mother is highly stressed, via the uterus, as inflammation occurs due to stress. This becomes hard-wired into a baby’s nervous system, creating hypervigilance and high sensitivity.

And of course, generational trauma can occur through observation and experiences. When a mother struggles to regulate her nervous system and battles with her mental and emotional health, her child will naturally be affected and adopt similar traits and ways of coping.

My gran always seemed to have money for food. I believe it came from her parents, and during my time at the family home, there was never a shortage. She always seemed to be cooking and baking, and everyone was fed well. I had the same experience growing up; my mother had obviously learnt that food was not only essential but also a huge comfort when life was distressing. I cannot remember if my gran struggled with her weight. I know my mum did, and I have also struggled with eating for comfort. A learnt behaviour that, if not carefully monitored, can contribute to illnesses, such as diabetes, and of course, in using food to numb the pain, the patterns keep repeating.

When my gran died, my mother disappeared, not from the house but within it. She no longer got me up for school or took me there. She stayed in bed instead. I know now that she was grieving the only parental love she had known, a grief I experienced when she died of cancer, also. A pain that didn’t just speak of love, but of severe attachment and co-dependency.

My parents’ relationship was normal to me, as I guess your parents’ relationship was to you. My father worked a lot, my mother cared for me and the rest of our family. She started her career later in life, training to be a counselor and advocate for people who had disabilities. I cannot say that I noticed any majorly bad traits in their relationship. I guess I was too young and inexperienced to know what a healthy or unhealthy relationship was. But as I got older, I noticed that the cracks that had obviously been there all along began to widen.

My father came from a relatively wealthy family compared to my mum; he and his three siblings didn’t experience a lack of anything apart from their mother´s love. A poorly woman for most of their upbringing, she wasn’t present with them much, physically or emotionally. Their father, my grandad, was, I guess, hardened by his father, a man who lived through the First World War. Children should be seen and not heard was the motto of my grandfather, and many in those days, and if they were, then my dad and his siblings would experience severe beatings with a leather belt, and if that wasn’t readily available, then the palm of a hand on any body part that could be accessed.

My dad grew up a man without love and became a man who couldn’t and still rarely does express it, and so he chose my mother, with an eye that confused desire for love. She was a beauty, my mum, with dark hair full of curls and bright blue eyes. She was loving and caring, but also fierce with a rage that burned within her and spoke of a childhood filled with betrayal and injustice.

Moving and identity.

I was fourteen when we moved to a bigger house. My dad’s dream was a status symbol that spoke of pride in providing for his family and his ego. My mother hated the house, but tried to be grateful for it. But the size meant more work for her and my dad. He spent less time with her and me, working hard to keep up with payments so he could continue to express his love to us in his love language.

My parents never sat together in the evenings; my dad would sink into his solitary chair, my mum sprawled on the sofa. I would lie beside her, connected by our love and our trauma.

I am not sure if my mother ever asked for my dad to be with her more, a request that would have never worked had he done so, as they were like chalk and cheese. Her emotional, him logical. Her highly spiritual and idealistic, him realistic. Funny, my ex and I were just the same. Coincidence? I don’t think so, but I can understand why they stayed together.

Sadly, my mother didn’t escape her trauma bond but succumbed to the cancer that grew within her as she struggled to manage it. I cannot recollect how many times she came to me, telling of how unhappy she was, how she and my father had nothing in common, how he never seemed to want to be with her unless she wasn’t there. How he was happy for her to be in another room, when she was there. It’s funny, my ex-partner said to me before we broke up, “I can love you from another room.” Hmmm, do you think there might be a pattern there? For me, it reflects my deep desire for closeness, for him, I believe, a comfort in not being too close, too often.

I felt the discomfort of my mother telling me of her unhappiness with my father. And begged her many times to leave, even though I love him very much. I could see she was making herself ill, and just the week before she came to tell me she had ovarian cancer, she described feeling a tight knot in her stomach. Maybe my gran described the same knot to my mum, many years before, I do not know. But I do know with certainty that both knots would have come psychosomatically, from the refusal to leave a situation, feel worthy of more, not have to beg and plead to be chosen.

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My mother died in 2009; it took me 5 years to work out that what she suffered in her life had come from her maternal lineage. It also took me two relationships afterward to break the toxic cycle completely. Doing it has been excruciatingly painful; it still is. At times, if I had the option, I would have preferred to have a body part surgically removed without anaesthetic. And today, almost four weeks in, I am still feeling the pain daily.

I am fifty-five now. I started having relationships with men at fourteen, and it has taken me almost 4 decades to stop the generational trauma, and being honest, if I had a choice, I would have probably continued in it. But we had both had enough.

We were drawn to each other energetically; we carry the same vibe running through our bodies. Our ancestry is similar.

He overgives and so do I, but in different ways. His nervous system calms through distance, mine through closeness (remember my parents’ pattern and my grandparents too). When we were good, it was amazing; when we were not so, it was terrible and broke both our hearts. But part we did, because deep down we both knew that losing ourselves and self-sacrificing for each other was a price too high to pay. There was no way I was willing to end my life the same way as my maternal lineage did at sixty-two with cancer, never feeling fully loved and seen and chosen. How could I, with the awareness I have, and they didn’t? And I guess there was no way he would continue to live a life where he wasn’t being loved in the way he wanted to be loved, either. Could we have healed together? I believe so, but it takes two people to be on the same page and willing to look at oneself, not with criticism, but with honesty and compassion.

As I write this, I have tears in my eyes and also a deep contraction in my stomach, which thankfully never became a ball of cells that would have eventually killed me. I miss him so much; my body knew him, and so did my soul. But right now I cannot be with him or he with me.

Better endings.

I wish more than anything that my mother had ended her generational trauma, but then maybe I would not have been here, had it been before I was born. But if she had done it afterwards, maybe she would have been here today. Maybe she would have found her person or healed with my father, because today he is a very different man.

When we don’t honour ourselves, we lose ourselves. We lose the spark that ignites the passion within us, for life, for what we should be pursuing, for what lights us up, so that we can bring light to whoever’s path we should be on.

Healing our generational trauma is the key to the happiness and love that future generations can experience. And it’s in that love and happiness that our world will become happier and healthier, also.

So let’s start with us, let’s make the time to ask, “Why am I experiencing this?”

“What is my part in it?”

“Have my patterns of behaviour been passed down to me?”

Let’s always be willing to take some responsibility and make our lives and the lives of others better. And let’s be willing to go through the pain of change, so others don’t have to experience what we and generations before us have.

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To my darling mother, Susan, and my beautiful gran, Laura. I love you and miss you both.

To my father, Peter. So grateful that we now have a better, more caring and understanding relationship. Love you, Papi!

To Stewart, you may not think I know how much you loved (Love) me, but I do because my love for you is the same. Even though things are not completely clear between us, I hope that one day they will be. I love you.

To all our ancestors, we love you, and we hope that wherever you are, you know much peace.

And finally, to you, my readers and subscribers, I thank you for reading me today. My wish for you is that you dare to face what was passed down to you and to heal from it. You are part of a spiritual revolution that is reaching a peak. We have much responsibility at this time, to energetically upgrade ourselves, so that everyone can live in more peace, love, joy, and abundance.

After all…it’s our birthright!

If you would like to break the cycle and explore how you can finally heal and reconnect to yourself, to have a love-filled and aligned relationship, please book a FREE EXPLORATION SESSION

With much love

Nicola xx

When we have the urge or desire to upgrade our lives in any area. Growth and healing are required. To remove the invisible barriers within that have lain dormant, waiting to be exposed and expressed. To be felt and released. So that we can finally experience the wholeness that never left us.

And it’s in that wholeness that the power is found to move on up.

To more love and abundance. To whatever we desire to have and hold.

For the growth to begin, there is a necessity to become aware of what already lies within. Because it is in the deepest and darkest cavities of our being that those invisible barriers lie. It’s in the past experiences, the beliefs developed, the pain held, and of course, in our ancestry. What has been passed down through our genes, through our observations, through our not knowing right from wrong, because we had just not lived long enough to know any better. And most of all its in the lack of awareness and remembrance of what we signed up for this time.

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The soul has a way of pushing us towards that which is meant for us. It expresses itself in our dreams, in the pain and pleasure we feel in our physical bodies. For some, it whispers in meditation, or through our five senses, and for some also in a sixth. If we have faith, then our growth is quicker than when we live in fear. It makes the journey to expansion much lighter, and the reflection of our outer world become one that speaks of the inner.

To sit with oneself and be accountable for that which isn’t working is the bravest of feats. To move from victimhood, of declaring “Why is this happening to me?” into one of “What is this teaching me and why?” so the opportunity for inner change becomes a possibility, not just a dream.

Once awareness is gained, then only the opposite of what you are currently speaking into existence and acting on needs to change.

I used to believe I wasn’t capable, so I didn’t act/ I am capable of anything I choose.

I used to believe I wasn’t worthy, so I would sabotage/ I am worthy of anything I desire to have.

I used to believe everyone would ultimately leave, so I pushed them away/ I welcome in with open arms and a loving heart that which aligns with me.

I used to think everything would fail, so I procrastinated/ I am capable of the greatest success and apply myself with confidence and faith.

I used to live in fear of loss, so I withheld and hoarded/I live in faith and give freely, knowing that as I give so shall I receive.

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The past.

I attracted people who were my mirrors, who were trying to show me my beliefs and how they were manifesting in the outer world. But I didn’t believe them, because I didn’t know then what I know now.

That I was playing the victim-

“Why me?”

“I never have any luck.”

“I will never have that.”

“I will never achieve that.”

Until I knew, until I took responsibility for what lived within me, what I was breathing life into, daily.

When I dared to have faith. When I no longer spoke about past pain, I no longer kept it alive.

When I learnt that uncertainty didn’t mean imminent danger, but meant only that patience was required, and that said patience was easy to sit in, when I embodied “Certainty beyond logic,” and indulged in the breath.

When I spoke as someone who knew their worth, who walked in their worth, who dared to believe in their worth.

Who moved from worthiness and certainty of their identity, who acted from it.

Who rejected anything that questioned my worth.

That’s when things began to change.

Embodying the person you wish to become takes courage and consistency, but I honestly believe that it can not only move you into an identity upgrade but also fast-track you on your healing journey.

“If you believe, act, and feel like someone who is surrounded by love.” You will automatically attract that love and cast aside any beliefs, actions, and feelings that reflect anything to the contrary. Even if they are ingrained.

Take a moment to ask yourself what the person who lives your dream behaves like in everyday life.

How do they walk, talk?

What are their daily practices?

How do they dress?

What do they eat?

What do they believe about themselves?

How do they overcome challenges as they arise?

How do they invest in themselves?

Now, begin your identity upgrade, and before you know it, if you are consistent, you will find that what you have changed in your inner world will soon become your outer reality.

I would love to hear from you about how you up-levelled your life in some way, or if you have a desire to, then you can book a Free exploratory session with me

Sending so much love and gratitude

Nic xx

It’s scary when you realize that what you have been practising for what seems like a lifetime, to stay safe, no longer works. But what’s scarier is trying to continue it.

Survival, it’s what we are here for, right? Wrong. We are here to thrive. To experience a life that flows freely and to feel worthy of it.

To live daily from a place of connectedness, to ourselves and our truth.

We start off this way, but for many, that way of being often gets disrupted. It ruptures…inside us through experiences that come from outside of us. From the hands and mouths and bodies of others, that are detached from their truths. And it hurts like hell.

And in that pain, we learn that survival must take precedence over thriving. That just getting through is enough. And for a while it is enough, sometimes it becomes enough for a long time. Just battling, pushing down the rawness that threatens to envelope us, to crush us. So we stay on the top, on the surface. Seeking solace in anything external that offers reprieve. And it does offer reprieve, but at the same time, it is exhausting.

It frazzles our nervous systems, so that when a threat of a similar experience comes calling, we stop breathing deeply and take shallow breaths, which only move us into further panic. It rewires our brains into believing, that our worthiness is not something we have within us, that we can create, but it’s dependent on what is outside us. We learn to live in the deepest of lies about who we are and what we are capable of.

We become walking shadows of our true selves.

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We let people decide things for us, and we separate from our dreams and our desires. We follow, instead of leading ourselves. And the pain increases with every step we take away from us.

Not being connected internally manifests in disconnection externally, as shame, blame, and fear, instead of faith and conviction.

Life becomes something we have to try to control and manage, so we can continue to feel safe.

But life, living, doesn’t show up in safety that is brought about from what is happening in the world; it lives in feeling safe within, which then reflects outwardly. When we feel safe in ourselves, we can easily manage the uncertainty of how life will unfold. Because we carry faith then.

Faith that comes from trusting in our truth. The truth that comes from alignment with our power to create, to live authentically, to live in love.

Love of self, love of others, love of life.

I speak these words so easily, as if this transformation, this healing, is simple, but it’s not. It takes courage and strength because the old way of being is always trying to pull us back in.

And maybe…almost definitely, at some point, we will get pulled back in. Until the only way to escape is to drag ourselves out. And as we kick and scream, we come to the understanding that there is no other way. Because what has been pushed down for so long has to be felt, to be alchemized and added to the power and light that has always been within us, that surrounds us. That wants only wonderful things for us. That makes life flow with ease.

No battling, no gritting of teeth, no gasping for breath, only flowing freely, like a leaf being carried in a fast-flowing river, totally surrendered to its fate. Never knowing, or being certain of what it faces, but accepting nonetheless.

You might wonder how I know so much about these trials in life, these traumas that threaten to swallow us up, and that’s because I have lived them.

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I have lived not knowing, but being desperate to know. To feel safe, to feel unencumbered by what weighed me down. Until I couldn’t.

And if you have too, then I want you to know that life is not about guarantees, it’s about learning to release what is inside you that needs them. And when you do, you will find that you always could, live courageously, love boldly, and choose what is meant for you, with faith and safety within as your anchor.

It started for me with not waiting to be chosen, but choosing myself by looking at what disrespected me and saying “No” to it. And then being brave enough to let go of what I had so tightly clung to. To allow it the chance to leave, if that was what was meant to happen. And lots of things did leave, and that hurt me also, greatly. Because some of the things that were left, I still had love for.

I believe that life has a plan for all of us. I know this with great certainty because when we go against it, we suffer greatly. And in that suffering, we realize that we always have choices.

Taking the time to connect with ourselves and our truth comes from accepting who we really are. Through breathing deeply in the moments when we want to cling to what no longer serves us, in practising the pause when our whole body wants to reach out and seek comfort in old ways. And it takes time and repetition.

Wherever you are on your journey back to your connection with yourself, I want you to know that you are worthy, you are strong enough, and all you need to do is take small steps each day.

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And to have faith in not knowing, but trusting.

Because life has a great plan for you, too.

With much love and life

Nic xx

Your true identity lies in what you identify with.

It’s firstly in your awareness, of how life has shaped you and your beliefs. And how you project those beliefs onto your every day life, through your thoughts, words and actions.

In the moments, you are presented with an opportunity and you immediately say to yourself, or out loud “Oh no, I can’t do that.…

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It’s been over two months since I last wrote to you. Since I spilled my words out onto the page and shared what I would hope would inspire you, or simply allow you to take a breather and gain a different perspective.

In the time of my absence, I have been through a breakup, reconnected with my partner, moved home, had an operation on my eyes, and seen my…

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