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This isn’t just something that we’ve magically made up. We’ve often internalized this from those around us and from society at large. Perhaps people close to us are putting “shoulds” on our lives, and we have absorbed this into our own thinking. Regardless of where we have internalized this from, we begin to place these “shoulds” and standards onto our own lives, and then hold ourselves accountable to them.

What we’re really talking about here is the idea of social comparison. As humans, we naturally compare ourselves to those around us as a means of self-evaluation. There are aspects of comparison that can be good, but it has to be done very specifically and carefully for it to be healthy. More often than not, these comparisons turn negative and unhealthy, where we are consistently comparing ourselves to someone else’s accomplishments or what we imagine or perceive their strengths or inner world to be.

“There are two types of social comparison: upward social comparison and downward social comparison.

Upward Social Comparison

Upward comparison takes place when we compare ourselves with those who we believe are better than or superior to us. These comparisons often focus on the desire to improve ourselves, our current status, or our level of ability. We might compare ourselves to someone better off and look for ways that we can achieve similar results.

Downward Social Comparison

Downward social comparisons occur when we compare ourselves to people who are worse off than we are. These comparisons often focus on making ourselves feel better about our abilities or traits. While we might not excel at something, knowing we are better than someone else can boost our self-esteem.” (ref)

While sometimes comparison can encourage us to improve ourselves, we often take comparisons down an unhealthy road for ourselves. When we do this, it becomes the fuel for stress and anxiety. It can fuel perfectionistic tendencies and lead to the feeling of “never enough”. This erodes focus and concentration, and ultimately it can become a pattern that can push us towards burnout.

When we engage in a more outward comparison posture, we might compare ourselves to our colleagues. We hunt down the ones who appear more competent or confident, who are getting awards or promotions, or who seem to have it all together. This perception that we have becomes the measuring we use on ourselves, and it’s easy to start being self-critical or even beating ourselves up when we don’t measure up.

There’s also a more inward comparison posture, where we compare ourselves to a made up version of ourselves that we “should” be. It might sound like “I should be further along, I should feel more confident when I sit down in this meeting, or I need to be working harder to get this award.” This version lives entirely in your head, with a measuring stick that you have created for yourself.

Regardless of what sort of comparison we are engaging in, it pulls us out of the story that is (the current reality) and puts us in a made-up story. In this story, self-criticism is loud and tells us over and over how we are falling short. This story costs us quite a bit. It costs us confidence, self-compassion, focus, concentration, felt safety in the present moment, and our very sense of self.

It’s hard to spend our energy on the tasks at hand when we are so focused on beating ourselves up or measuring ourselves against a made-up standard. And, to be quite frank, comparison is simply rarely accurate. You may have heard the idea that comparison involves comparing our behind-the-scenes footage (or blooper reel) to someone else’s highly edited highlight reel. How is that realistic, accurate, or fair?

If you recognize yourself in this comparison pattern, here are a few steps you can take to decrease your comparison patterns:

• Notice what triggers your pull towards comparison. Being a curious observer of this pattern will give you important data on what this pattern looks like for you. What actions, body postures, or activities triggers your comparison story?

• Notice the stories that your own inner critic is telling you. What is this part of you afraid of if you were to stop being so critical?

• Remind yourself that what appears to be true from the outside is often not what is true on the inside. Just because we perceive something (such as “they are so confident”) doesn’t make it true. Be careful of the stories you are telling yourself about someone else, and “call it out” once you notice it in yourself.

• Track your own moments of success. Remember that success is much broader than we think it is. Write down the moments where you engaged in self-compassion instead of self-criticism, where you made a decision that felt aligned with you, where you held to your values, where you were able to comfort yourself in the middle of a hard or triggering situation, where you said “no” to something and maintained a healthy boundary, where you learned something new, and where you felt safe or confident in your body. All of these moments count as success.

• Use moments where you made a mistake or did something that you might have beaten yourself up for as a moment where you can gain data instead. This data will help you figure out what you would like to do differently in the future, and might show you where inner work can be done. This is what actually leads to self-improvement.

Comparison can be a contributor to burnout, and it takes energy away from the work that you need to be focused on at your job. It can erode your happiness and sense of self. As President Theodore Roosevelt reminds us: “Comparison is the thief of joy”.

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Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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Perhaps you have a chronic illness or condition yourself, or perhaps someone close to you does. You likely have colleagues who are also living with chronic illness and invisible conditions, whether you know it or not. In fact, the CDC reports that “among midlife adults ages 35–64, more than 75% have at least one condition.” (source) This is, of course, a very large percent of our population! Understanding more about living with a chronic illness can make you a better and more supportive family member, friend, or colleague.

I’ve launched a podcast entitled “Your Chronic Illness Companion”. This podcast isn’t just for people who have a chronic illness diagnosis, but also for those who love them, work alongside them, and want to learn more about how to support those with chronic illness. Understanding what living with a chronic illness or dynamic disability actually means helps you become a more compassionate and supportive colleague, friend, or family member.

You can listen to and subscribe to my podcast in a number of ways:

• You can subscribe via substack at the following link: https://chronicillnesscompanion.substack.com/s/your-chronic-illness-companion-podcast

• You can subscribe via Spotify:

• You can subscribe via Apple Podcasts

• If you’re interested in subscribing to my chronic illness substack, you can do so here:

Your Chronic Illness Companion

My personal Substack

By Caroline Poland

I hope you’ll join me on this journey as we work to increase our understanding of chronic illness and how it impacts the lives of those who live with chronic conditions.

If you missed it, check out last month’s post entitled “When Doing Too Much Is Doing You In: Overfunctioning and the Road to Burnout”

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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Eventually this employee starts waking up tired or struggling to sleep, notices that they are dreading work, are no longer feeling excited by the things that used to excite them, and is ultimately feeling numb and disconnected from themselves. This person can’t point to one thing that led to this, because it actually was an accumulation of hundreds of small choices: more responsibility, more worry, more overthinking in the evenings, and taking on more of the load that was never technically theirs to carry.

What this employee is describing is overfunctioning…and burnout.

What Overfunctioning Is

Overfunctioning happens when we take on the responsibilities, emotions, or tasks that belong to others, often without being asked, often without realizing we are doing it, and almost always in response to anxiety (and corresponding toxic productivity), though it may not actually feel like anxiety. This can also be the result of people-pleasing and “fawning” patterns.

Overfunctioning is not simply a matter of being a hardworking or conscientious employee. Overfunctioning serves as a coping method and survival mechanism. The underlying logic sounds something like this: if I stay on top of everything, if I am overly helpful, if I make sure the ball doesn’t drop, then I will be okay. In this case, “ok” can be any number of things: my boss will be happy with me, my role in the organization will be safe, this co-worker will like me, I will be viewed as competent, etc… The doing becomes a way of managing the uncertainty and discomfort of imperfection, of ambiguity, and of the quest to be good enough and acceptable enough in the workplace. I also want to mention that overfunctioning can bleed into our time while at home, where we think and overthink about the workday. Regardless of how overfunctioning presents, it involves taking on responsibilities that are outside of your area of ownership, while simultaneously becoming less responsible for your areas of ownership (your thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions, and job responsibilities).

This is why overfunctioning can be so hard to recognize in yourself. From the inside, it often feels like being a responsible, good, caring, and reliable employee. In most workplaces, it is rewarded as that, which makes the pattern even harder to interrupt once it has been established. We engage in overfunctioning because at some point we have been rewarded for it and have learned that this pattern of behavior is a good way to “survive” in the world.

Where Burnout Enters The Picture

Here is the problem: the relief that overfunctioning provides is temporary, and the cost is cumulative. Once someone starts the pattern of overfunctioning, this becomes the standard and is normalized, so not doing it feels like underperforming.

Every time you absorb someone else’s workload, take on what is someone else’s “to do”, smooth over a dysfunction that leadership should be addressing, say yes to the next after work request, or stay on high alert so that nothing falls apart, you are spending from a reserve that is not being replenished. As we have discussed on this substack previously, burnout occurs when the weight of demands outweighs the resources we have to meet those demands. When you are consistently doing more than your share, you are artificially closing that gap that exists between the weight of demands and resources available. Over time, that system collapses.

What makes this particularly challenging for women in the workplace is that overfunctioning is culturally expected of them. Stepping up, staying flexible, being helpful in covering the gaps, keeping the team together… these attributes are frequently praised. The woman who begins to set boundaries and decreases her overfunctioning may find that she is suddenly perceived as less dedicated, less of a team player, or harder to work with. This is the Catch-22. Ironically, the very behavior that is depleting the employee is also, in many workplaces, the behavior that keeps them professionally safe.

A Guiding Question

One of the questions I ponder is: “What is mine to do?” Ultimately, what is “mine to do” are my thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions, and assigned job responsibilities. What is “not mine to do?” Others’ thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions, and their assigned job responsibilities. Problems exist when we are not taking ownership for our areas of responsibility, and when we spend too long focusing on things that exist outside of our area of ownership. (There is nuance to this, because we can certainly extend ourselves and carry some of those things in others during particular times of crisis, tragedy, illness or disability, etc… so please don’t look at this as all-or-nothing!)

Think about the tasks, concerns, and responsibilities you are currently carrying at work. Which of those are genuinely yours to do? Which did you take on because no one else would, or because your boss kept piling last minute tasks on you? What are you doing to try to keep someone in the organization happy with you? Which do you hold onto because letting go of them makes you anxious, not because you are actually responsible for them?

You cannot pour indefinitely from an empty cup. You were not hired to hold your workplace together at the expense of your own wellbeing. Recognizing the pattern is the start of creating more sustainable patterns to support your work for the long run, and hopefully will help you to avoid burnout.

And remember, the goal is a sustainable career over the long run, not just a career that is going well today. As we navigate sustainability, we need to mindfully engage in the reasoned pursuit of just enough. As we do this, we begin to adjust the patterns we engage in, and ultimately create a foundation of health from which to build our work upon.

Here’s a short clip of me talking about overfunctioning in the workplace:

Additional Resources:

The Reasoned Pursuit of “Just Enough”

Are You an Overfunctioner at Work? 8 Signs of Overfunctioning That Lead to Burnout

Why We Glorify Overwork and Refuse to Rest

Toxic Productivity: When the Drive for Doing Goes Awry

Toxic Productivity: When Does It Occur?

Toxic Productivity: A War Forward

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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A values audit helps cut through the noise and confusion that can come in the workplace. It brings clarity to why certain roles, expectations, or dynamics feel so overwhelming or stressful, even when you’re “doing everything right.” Burnout isn’t always about workload; it’s often about misalignment and a lack of resources to match the demands we experience at work.

So, if you’re feeling like something is “off” at work, a values audit might give you helpful data and begin to pave a way forward. This isn’t about making drastic changes overnight. It’s about gathering information so your next boundary, conversation, or decision at work comes from self-trust and a place of alignment instead of being made from survival mode. This will also help to add clarity to your thinking and decision-making. Let’s dive in and explore five steps that you can take to explore your values and begin taking steps to live out your values.

Step 1: Clarify Your Values

Values help guide your beliefs, decisions, and actions. They serve as your north star as you navigate your life.

• Look up a values list and create a list of your top values (https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/ This is a great starting point). Choose your top 2-3 values, 4 at most.

As you consider your values, feel free to use the 7 characteristics of values that researcher and author Dr. Susan David has outlined:

• They are freely chosen and have not been imposed on you

• They are not goals; that is, they are ongoing rather than fixed

• They guide you rather than constrain you

• They are active, not static

• They allow you to get closer to the way you want to live your life

• They bring you freedom from social comparisons

• They foster self-acceptance, which is crucial to mental health

  (source)

In her book Emotional Agility, author Dr. Susan David suggests the following:

“Here are a few questions to ask yourself in order to start identifying your values:
- Deep down, what matters to me?
- What relationships do I want to build?
- What do I want my life to be about?
- How do I feel most of the time? What kind of situations make me feel most vital?”

Use these questions and a “values list” to begin to define your top few values in life.

Step 2: Explore These Values

Once you’ve identified your top few values, then you will want to explore how these values do and do not play out in your life and work right now. The goal is to gain important data from this exploration. If you aren’t living out your values, then what purpose do they hold? Since these values serve as your “north star”, you should easily be able to determine how these are integrated into your life.

As researcher and author Dr. Brene Brown wrote in her book Dare to Lead:

Here are a few helpful questions to ask:

• How have I honored these values in my life?

• In what situations at work does my alignment with my values help me to feel alive?

• Does my current time and responsibilities feel aligned with my values?

• What areas at work are mis-aligned with my values right now?

• What causes me to “violate” or ignore my values at work?

• What steps can I take to get back into alignment in these areas?

Step 3: Name Your Non-Negotiables

Non-negotiables are the things that you need to be in place (both within yourself and within the work system) for you to remain healthy or to flourish in the workplace. These include boundaries, values, workplace conditions and interaction standards, compensation, safety, autonomy, etc…

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What must be present for me to feel okay or supported at work?

• What drains me every time (or most of the time), no matter how hard I try?

• What sort of treatment will I and won’t I accept from co-workers or my boss?

• What are the non-negotiables that I can identify, and how do they connect to my values? (Examples: flexibility, respect, autonomy, truthfulness, predictable hours)

Step 4: Notice the Mismatch

When our work environment and our values and non-negotiables are mismatched, work stress and burnout begins to increase. While we won’t find a perfect match, we want to be wise about decreasing the amount of “mismatched” situations that occur, as these begin to drain us.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Where am I consistently overextending, shrinking, or self-silencing?

• What is my current balance of demands and resources at work? Where are they out of balance? (this can lead to burnout)

• Where are my values out of sync with my workplace?

Step 5: Choose One Small Alignment Shift

Change often happens little by little, so begin by identifying one small shift that you can reasonably make that will bring you more in alignment with your values and non-negotiables in the workplace.

Examples of alignment shifts: a boundary, a conversation that needs to be had, a decision that honors your capacity or your values, a moment of self-compassion each day at work.

Once you’ve chosen the first small shift that you’d like to make at work, outline a few action steps that are associated with this.

Remember:

Enter this process taking on the stance of a curious observer of yourself! Your job in this process is to play detective and get helpful data about yourself. This data, and the clarity about your values and their alignment with your work, creates options and can help inform next steps. Choose one area to make a small change in, and then observe the changes that occur because of this shift.

Roy E. Disney says “When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.” As you navigate complex decisions about and within the workplace, your values will help serve as your guide and compass.

Practice utilizing these steps as you work to align your “yes” and “no” with your values, time, capacity, and current responsibilities.

Here’s a worksheet to go along with this post that will walk you through this five step values audit:

5 Step Values Audit Worksheet

118KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Additional Resources:

What Values Do You Really Stand For? https://hbr.org/2026/04/what-values-do-you-really-stand-for

How to Find, Define, and Use Your Values: https://hbr.org/2023/02/how-to-find-define-and-use-your-values

“What are my values?” 5 tips to help you find what matters most: https://www.calm.com/blog/what-are-my-values

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, chronic illness, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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Here are a few steps for co-workers and supervisors to take as they support a grieving co-worker:

1. Acknowledge the loss: When people are deep in grief, they are generally often thinking about the loss, so don’t be worried about “reminding them” of the loss. A simple statement like “I’m so sorry for your loss- I’m thinking of you” can be supportive (this is not a “one and done” acknowledgment, but rather can be ongoing). As you acknowledge their loss, don’t compare it to a loss of your own. Listen to what they want to share without offering advice (unless they specifically ask for advice). Google lists of things that you shouldn’t say to people who are grieving, and avoid those things. (Things like “Your loved one would want you to be happy”, “everything happens for a reason”, or “at least ____” can feel incredibly minimizing and unhelpful). Here and here are two examples of lists of supportive statements and things to avoid saying.

   I want to share a quick example: early in my career, I had a friend die unexpectedly. The day of his funeral, someone in my life asked me: “What would you tell a client in this situation to help them get over the loss.” I was taken aback by that question. First of all, that is an entirely inappropriate question, as the goal of grief is not to “get over it”. Secondly, this is in no way supportive or encouraging to someone who is grieving. Thirdly, our goal cannot be to rush through the emotions of loss; that’s not healthy processing. I share this to say, do not be like this person. Acknowledge that grief is a process, and acknowledge that you are here to support them and journey with them along the way.

2. Actions matter more than words: Step in to help. Bring them food, offer to help them with a task or take a project off their plate, share notes from a meeting, or just sit with them. When my friends died in 2006, I had a professor who refused to allow me to do my end of the year project. I felt guilty that others were having to work on a project when I didn’t, but the professor was kind and protective of my grief, letting me know that my job right now was to grieve and not check off tasks for the class. It’s twenty years later, and I remember so much of that conversation and the kindness of that professor. You can offer similar moments of grace and kindness to others.

3. Continue to follow up: People are great at supporting the person grieving for a week or two, but then the person grieving is often forgotten. This leaves people feeling isolated and left behind in their grief. One thing I’ve taken to doing with my own friends in grief journeys is to randomly Venmo them money for dinner with a message like “remembering your loss with you today”. With others I have supervised when they have walked grief journeys, I have normalized the need to take time away, both initially and for anniversaries, etc. I invited them to tell me what they need, and I did everything I could to accommodate and give them time off to honor what they needed. I have held peoples’ jobs for them for weeks or months as they needed to grieve, and it felt like such an honor to be able to do something for them. I am determined to continue to pass on the moments of grace, kindness, and compassion that were granted to me twenty years ago, and I continue to do so to this day. I want to encourage you to look for ways to offer these sorts of moments to others.

4. Respect how they choose to grieve: Some people want and need to talk a lot about their loss or their loved one, and some people don’t want to speak about it (and some people are ok talking about it some days and not on others). Let them know that you will adjust to whatever they need, and that their needs are not a burden. Our grief deserves to be witnessed and held by others! Remember that it is not our job to manage another person’s grief for them. We should not put our pre-conceived notions about the “shoulds” of grief onto them and their grief journey. Just because someone is struggling, even months later, does not mean they are “weak”, “not trying”, or “doing grief” incorrectly.

While we can’t take away the reality of grief that someone in our life is experiencing, we can offer them a powerful gift in the middle of it: our presence. We can hold their grief with them and we can avoid throwing out quick fixes, pat answers or statements, or things that they “just” need to do.

If you are a boss or supervisor, you have the ability to contribute positively to organizational culture and policies surrounding grief and loss. Modeling compassion, flexibility, and patience with those who are grieving signals to employees that they are not expected to leave their humanity at the office door, and they can be humans and not robots in the workplace. Grief often changes us, and that is normal. As experts on bereavement Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler have said:

Grief will visit every workplace eventually and will also visit your life if it hasn’t already. It’s part of being human. The question is not whether it will show up, but whether the culture will make space for people when it does. When organizations respond to grief with empathy rather than efficiency, something important happens: employees learn that they are valued not just for what they produce, but for who they are.

Additional Resources:

When a Colleague Is Grieving

Making Your Workplace Safe for Grief

How to Offer Support to a Grieving Colleague

Ways to Support Someone Who is Grieving

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026 and beyond! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, chronic illness, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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I want to share why I’ve decided to talk about grief this month. 20 years ago, in April 2006, I lost several friends in a traumatic car accident. This accident made national news and forever changed my view of grief. Shockingly, after 5 weeks, it turned out that one of my friends who passed away in the accident was alive, in a hospital a few hours away. And a few months later, after attending her memorial service, I was out ice skating with her. I don’t accurately have words for what those months of my life were actually like.

There are times that change our lives forever, and this was one of those moments for me. Walking this grief journey has changed the way that I view the grief journey in general and has informed the way I sit with every client who is walking their own grief journey. First and foremost, I want to take a moment to remember and honor my friends who passed away that day. I want to remember the laughter, the things I learned from them, and the memories I have with them. I remember them in the lilies that I see, in the moments that I pause to take a picture of something in nature, when I see something from National Geographic, and when I hear certain songs. Though time passes, we continue to take the love or friendship and carry it with us as we move forward in our lives.

Here’s the problem with grief when it comes to work (and school): it gives us a very short timeline. We might get a few bereavement days, a gift or card given to us, and then we’re expected to “get back to it” as if we are a robot and as if grief is over in a few days. We don’t “get over” grief in a few days, and grief creates physiological shifts within us. Our concentration suffers, it can impact our memory, we struggle with emotional regulation, and it drains us of our energy, leaving us with very little capacity. Month or years can pass before we begin to feel like ourselves again. The basic tasks of daily living can be all consuming, with little left over for the effortful thinking and decision-making that occur at work. Grief invades every aspect of our lives. It’s not only hard to live with the feelings and impacts of grief, but it’s painful to think about how it will continue to impact us. As C.S. Lewis said in his book A Grief Observed:

With that being said, I want to speak to employees who may be grieving, and share several reminders and steps that you can take on your grief journey:

1. Give yourself permission to not “have it all together” or “move on” from your grief. Acknowledge that your capacity is going to change for awhile, and that is both ok and normal. It is not normal to lose someone (or receive a hard diagnosis) and be “fine” a few days later. Grief consumes our mental bandwidth. You might experience brain fog, feel spacey, find yourself tuning out of conversations or meetings, or feel like creativity and imagination have been stripped away. You might find yourself having to re-read things or struggling to make sense of something. This is not a failing on your part. This is part of the normal experience of grief.

2. Re-define the “goal” of grief. The goal of grief cannot be to “move on” or “get over it”. Grief is a life-long journey, so part of our goal is in learning how to make room for grief, hold grief, and journey with grief throughout our life. Down the road, we can even learn to hold emotions that feel in opposition to grief at the same time as grief (i.e. grief and joy, sadness and hope). One emotion doesn’t take away from another.

3. Communicate as simply as you can with those around you: You don’t owe others information, but if you have safe or trusted people around you (including your supervisor and co-workers), communicate with them simply and early on. Something as simple as “I’m navigating a loss and my capacity may be different for a while” may be sufficient. Let those safe people around you know that you are struggling and that you need extra support. You are not a burden because you need extra support.

4. Prioritize what is truly essential: Because grief consumes our mental bandwidth, identify 2-3 top priority items and focus your energy on those things. Ask your supervisor for support in this area if you need. Others might be able to take the lower priority tasks off your plate or move timelines for projects out.

5. Create small but consistent routines: Grief rips the carpet out from under us and very little feels steady or consistent. Build in some anchors into your day: set alarms to make sure you’re drinking enough water, take a short walk or stand at a window between tasks to clear your mind, build in more quiet “focus time” throughout the day, or schedule an additional meeting with your boss to help with problem solving or prioritization (if your boss is supportive).

6. Give yourself space to feel the wide array of emotions that exist, without “should-ing” on yourself: Allow yourself space to cry, journal, speak to others in your life, and attend counseling. Grief comes in waves, so if you’re having a moment of joy or happiness, then allow yourself to feel that without guilt. When sadness comes, make room for that as well. Being able to hold multiple emotions, including emotions that feel in opposition to one another, at the same time is important. Create meaningful rituals, create plans for triggers or anniversaries, and set boundaries as needed. Attending therapy can also be an important space as you process your grief journey.

Grief does not move in a straight line, and it can feel like each day we live on a rollercoaster, being tossed around every which way. C.S. Lewis, writing after the loss of his wife, captured this with honesty:

If you have ever felt certain you were healing, only to be leveled again by a song, a smell, or an empty chair, you are not backsliding. What Lewis describes is not failure; it is the actual process of living with grief. The returning does not mean you are in the same place you were. Healing is rarely visible from the inside, and it almost never feels like progress while it is happening. Give yourself the grace to move through your grief without a timeline, without having to “perform grief” to another’s expectations, and without the expectation that you “should” be further along by now. Keep traveling steadily with your grief, find support (our grief deserves to be held and witnessed by ourselves AND others!), and honor what you need as you navigate this difficult time.

In the next part in this series, I will be speaking directly to co-workers and supervisors of employees who are grieving as they take on a support role.

Additional Resources:

Returning to Work When You’re Grieving (Harvard Business Review)

Coping With Grief and Loss

Before You Say “Yes” at Work, Check These 4 Things

Mindfulness: Supporting our Health and Well-Being

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026 and beyond! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, chronic illness, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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So let’s talk about saying “yes” and “no” wisely at work! Many individuals at work (or frankly, in their life as well) don’t overcommit because they’re careless, they do it because they’re capable, dependable, and used to carrying more than their share. Perhaps their identity is interwoven in what they do or accomplish. Perhaps they have developed people-pleasing patterns as a survival reaction. Over time, those small “yeses” can add up to burnout.

Because it is easy to say a reactionary “yes”, I try to slow down and engage my prefrontal cortex by checking four specific areas: capacity, energy cost, tradeoffs, and responsibility. (Especially the last one, because not everything that needs doing is yours to carry or yours “to do”.) It’s important to remember that every “yes” is a “no” to something else. I want to be clear: this isn’t about doing less or disengaging. It’s about making intentional choices that protect your health, focus, and sustainability at work, while also maintaining healthy patterns in the rest of life.

Here are four areas to check before saying “yes” to additional work commitments:

• Capacity: “Do I have the capacity for this?”

  • This is not a “theoretical” capacity, but rather looking at your actual capacity that takes into account your current workload, health, responsibilities (at work and outside of work), and energy.

  • Our capacity is what we can do and offer without harming other areas of our lives or harming others. We should take physical and mental health into account when we assess capacity. This will look different for everyone.

• Energy Cost: “What will this cost me?”

  • Examples of costs: time, focus, emotional labor, recovery time, and extra hours away from family or friends.

  • Some commitments take more time or energy than it might seem on the surface. Because of this, it’s important to properly assess our current situation before we agree to take on something else.

• Tradeoff: “If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”

  • Every yes creates a tradeoff as we say no to something else. Name this and assess before you agree to take on additional commitments.

  • Examples of things you might be saying “no” to: rest, exercise, hobbies, self-care, connection with others, your mental well-being, and focus on another work task.

• Responsibility: “Is this mine to do?”

  • … or has it quietly landed on me because I’m capable, responsible, or available?

  • …or has this landed on me because I’ve taught others that I won’t say “no”?

  • Healthy boundaries suggest that we need to be responsible for the things that are our property: our thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions, and the job responsibilities we have previously agreed upon.

  • Problems occur when we begin to take responsibility for things outside of our property (or try to make others responsible for things that belong in our property).

  • Sometimes we take on additional things that aren’t ours to do because we are people-pleasing (trying to control another person’s thoughts or feelings about us), we feel guilty, we have poor boundaries, we engage in toxic productivity patterns, or because we have received positive feedback or rewards in the past.

  • Clarifying what is and is not ours to do is critical work.

A Few Reminders:

When someone is asking something of us, it is easy to feel the franticness of needing to give an answer immediately. We are managing our own beliefs about ourselves in the workplace, our own survival responses that we have developed, and navigating our own boundaries. Unless we slow down, it’s easy to respond out of reaction instead of thoughtfulness. Here are a few important reminders as you navigate saying “yes” and “no” wisely:

• You don’t have to give an answer immediately. Viktor Frankl says:

  

  Between stimulus (someone asking something of you) and response (your answer), it is important to keep that space. In that space is our thoughtfulness, planfulness, ability to align our actions with our values, and our boundaries. Make sure to give yourself space so there isn’t just a quick reaction between stimulus and response.

• You are allowed to say that you will get back to someone in ____ amount of time.

• Ask yourself: “Do I want to do this, or am I saying “yes” out of guilt, people-pleasing, or because what I do is intertwined with my identity?”

• Saying “no” appropriately protects your long-term performance and success. Remember: our goal is enduring success across our career and lifespan.

Practice utilizing these questions as you work to align your “yes” and “no” with your values, time, capacity, and current responsibilities. Little-by-little, it will become easier to assess what is right to say yes to and what is right to say no to. Go “above the scene” to try to get a bigger picture than the simple decision in front of you.

If you’re interested in a graphic of this, you can click on the link below:

Additional Resources:

The Reasoned Pursuit of “Just Enough”

Six Strategies to Utilize in Moments of Burnout

A Simple Boundary-Setting Trick at Work

Phrases to Protect Your Capacity:

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, chronic illness, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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Because of what I learned early on in grad school about compassion fatigue and burnout, this was something that I knew I needed to implement as soon as possible so that I could sustain in my field. I started implementing “leaving work at work” strategies in my own life from the time I started my practicum in graduate school. We can easily struggle with “leaving work at work”.

For many of us, the workday doesn’t end when we log off. It follows us into dinner, workouts, and bedtime, being disguised as “just thinking things through”, “being a diligent employee”, or “being thorough”. Here’s the truth: carrying work home (and ruminating about work during after work hours) isn’t a sign of commitment or ambition (though it feels that way on the surface!). It’s often a sign that our boundaries are underdeveloped or unsupported (or even that we are engaging in toxic productivity). I do want to be clear that there are times when we need to attend to an aspect of work in the evening. I don’t in any way mean to suggest that we need to be legalistic in having completely rigid boundaries between our work and our personal life. However, we do need to figure out a way to create a healthy integration or harmonization that allows us to be successful and doesn’t create burnout or compassion fatigue in the long run.

Why Is This Important?

Leaving work at work is a long-term mental health and well-being strategy, which allows us to sustain over the long run in our career. When our nervous systems never get a true break from vigilance, problem-solving, or performance, stress can become chronic rather than situational. This builds over time, which makes it hard to recognize at first, and can ultimately erode our sleep quality, our capacity for creativity, our capacity for empathy, and our connections with others. Ultimately, it erodes our ability to regulate. These are skills required to do a job well, especially over the long run. As I have previously discussed, careers are a marathon, not a sprint, so if we want to experience enduring success that lasts, it is wise for us to establish a rhythm that works for us and maintains health and well-being. Protecting mental (and physical) separation from work is how we stay effective, engaged, and well for years, not just for a few quarters or seasons.

An Example of What This Looks Like

Knowing this, from the start of my career I made sure to intentionally create rhythms and routines to “leave work at work” as often as possible. I built a simple end-of-day routine so work stays at work, making my evening feel more restorative and setting myself up for success the following day.

A Workday Shutdown Routine:

• Engage in a quick 2-3 minute review: what’s still on my plate that I need to address tomorrow, what went well today, etc...

• Look at my schedule for the next day, and block off any time that is needed. Set priorities for the following day.

• Close out email (turn off email notifications if you have them on). I don’t have work emails popping up on my phone because of HIPAA, and I really like having to make the intentional choice to sign in and view work emails instead of emails intruding into my evening activities.

• Identify a win from the day (something you accomplished, something new you learned, a way that you challenged yourself, a boundary you set, a moment of self-compassion, etc…). It’s easy for us to tell ourselves the negative stories from our day, so intentionally identifying something positive will help to break up that automatic negative story.

• Choose a place to leave the “mental contents” of the day or the to-do’s of tomorrow. Imagine leaving it in a contained file cabinet or desk drawer, or if you need a bit more time to think on things, choose a place on your drive home to leave it. Click here to read more about creating a mental container.

• Choose something like a prayer, mantra, quote, etc… to say as you close out your work day. You can use this to not only ground yourself, but also to help your mind predict the next action, which is leaving work at work and re-engaging with the rest of life. You can pair it with a body-movement, scent, song, etc… Mr. Rogers did this well on his show as he had the same entry and exit on his show, which created predictability for the viewers and for himself. In the same way, entering and exiting the day in predictable ways creates a signal for your brain so that your brain says “ok- I know what we’re supposed to be doing now”.

What you choose as your “leaving work ritual” will be unique to you, so be creative in trialing different options. Come up with a “closing out of work” rhythm or ritual so that your brain can predict a pattern and it receives cues to close out of work and carry on with the rest of your life. The more you do this, the more you can briefly re-engage with something related to work in the evening and shut it back down again, creating a smooth flow of integration.

Remember: this is a muscle to be built, especially if you have traditionally spent a lot of time thinking about work outside of work. Be patient with yourself as you implement new patterns for yourself, and notice the impacts of this new behavior and thinking pattern!

Click here to listen to a video of me talking about how I personally built this process into my life early in my career:

Additional Resources:

How to Let Go at the End of the Workday (Harvard Business Review)

Establish an Evening Routine to Put the Workday Behind You (Harvard Business Review)

Be Connected: Developing an End-of-Day ‘Shutdown’ (City of Boston Government)

How to Leave Work at Work (Harvard Business Review)

Six Strategies to Utilize in Moments of Burnout (Conversations with Caroline substack)

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This substack, and the posts herein, provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. These posts should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. Though I am a mental health counselor, I am not acting in that capacity here. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, heal, cure or prevent any illness, medical condition or mental or emotional condition, and it is not a substitute for mental health, physician, or other medical services or counseling.

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To start the year on a strong note, I want to discuss a problem that can contribute to anxiety, burnout, and compassion fatigue in the workplace, and which is something that many people struggle with: replaying conversations we have at work.

Replaying Conversations

Replaying conversations or thinking again and again about interactions may feel harmless or even “responsible”. However, in reality, these patterns can cause cascading impacts including anxiety, self-criticism, stress, decreases to the bandwidth we have for decision-making and creative thinking, and can ultimately contribute to burnout.

This happens for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to) to try to get closure in conversations, to work something out, and to give ourselves the illusion of control. Aspects of this can be connected to a previous traumatic experience, and for some people things like OCD may play a role. Ultimately, exploring this pattern with a counselor who can assess your particular needs is incredibly helpful, as interventions that are appropriate vary based on what the underlying cause is.

Eight Strategies to Utilize

In a recent post I published on Instagram, I gave eight practical steps to utilize in moments where your brain might not be able to stop replaying conversations or thinking about interactions, and I want to expand on these steps here:

1. Give yourself a 10-15 minute “worry window” to process the day or a specific incident, and then close it. Some find that using a mental container to “put it away” might be helpful. To learn more about creating a mental container, click here. During this worry window, you can speak out loud, record yourself on your phone, journal (write or type), or think while you aggressively scribble on a piece of paper. Scribbling on a piece of paper is exactly like it sounds: grab a pen, marker, or crayon in your hand and scribble like a child! It can be fun, but also allows you to think in a different way and “metabolize” the stress that is occurring.

2. Externalize it. Write down the exact thought and identify one possible action step to take. Here are a few examples of action steps: Clarify the expectations my boss has for me in this process, clarify what someone meant by a specific comment, follow up with a co-worker to gain more clarity on next steps, utilize a deep breathing or emotional regulation strategy, or practice self-compassion.

3. Utilize a thought record to identify, challenge, and change the thought. This activity pulls from cognitive-behavioral therapy, and some find this to be useful. Through this process, you might be able to find a more balanced, realistic thought or thinking pattern in a specific area that has been frustrating or disturbing to you. A thought record can highlight our usage of cognitive distortions like “all-or-nothing thinking”, catastrophizing, and “should” statements. You can find a helpful thought record here.

4. Ground yourself or practice an emotional regulation strategy for 60 seconds. Take slow breaths (if inhales don’t feel good, focus on the exhale instead), feel your feet on the ground, slowly rotate your head back and forth and notice things in the room that feel good or safe to you, give yourself a tight hug, or rock slowly side to side. There are countless different emotional regulation strategies, so try different ones (googling will bring up lots of options as well), and see what works best for you. At this end of this post I will link a few videos from my YouTube channel that might be of help as well.

5. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Self-compassion practice is important when you’re working on a new thought or behavior pattern. Rumination is a habit, not a character flaw, and as humans we can get stuck in thought patterns or hooked into anxious processing or overthinking about an interaction. Self-compassion is a supportive practice we can utilize when we notice that we’re excessively thinking about something we’ve said or find that we’re criticizing ourselves. You can find a few self-compassion practices here.

6. Practice meditation. This can help you to build the muscle of recognizing a thought and observing it without having to do something with the thought. Being able to observe our thoughts and let them pass without grabbing onto the thought is a helpful skill in many areas. Last year I wrote a post on mindfulness and meditation here that includes many great resources.

7. Utilize the question “What is mine to do?” This focuses your thinking on what your area of responsibilities and control are, including your own thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions, and assigned job responsibilities. This helps you to release the things that aren’t yours to control. For example, what is yours to do is not to focus on what other people are thinking about you (as a friend from grad school reminded me often: “What other people think of you is none of your business. Stop being nosey.”) What is yours to do is to work on your own communication patterns, the follow through on the things assigned to you, creating sustainable rhythms for yourself, saying “yes” and “no” wisely, etc…

8. Reach out to a therapist! I can’t state this strongly enough. Therapy helps you uncover the underlying patterns or reasons that your brain might be ruminating, and provides targeted tools and treatment for those particular patterns.

Regardless of what steps you choose, taking on the stance of a curious observer of yourself is key! What “part of you” is feeling activated by this conversation? What are you worried about? (Once you have an answer, then ask “and if ______ is true or happens, then what are you afraid might happen”? This allows us to keep digging beneath the surface.) If you don’t replay the conversation, what are you afraid might happen? What makes it hard to set this interaction aside? Questions such as these allow you to begin to explore what you are actually responding to underneath the surface.

Rumination often has impacts far beyond what we can see on the surface, both at work and life. The good news is, with intentional focus and work, you can disrupt this pattern and create new patterns in life. Working to change this pattern little-by-little will give you a new way to interact with work, giving you more mental energy for the things that really matter. Shifting this creates more sustainability over the span of your career and supports your health and well-being.

Additional Resources:

How to Stop Dwelling on Your Stress (Harvard Business Review)

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

I have launched a new substack (and corresponding Instagram ) that specifically discusses the intersection of chronic illness, mental health, and well-being. While this “Conversations with Caroline” substack will remain the same, this new substack, “Chronic Illness Companion”, will be a space for individuals living with chronic illness who are trying to protect their mental health in bodies that don’t always feel safe or predictable.

“My goal is simple: to make this a space that validates the realities of chronic illness, offers insight, and helps you feel less alone in the process, all while offering information and insights that I hope will be practical and useful to you.” (ref)

Your Chronic Illness Companion

Welcome to Your Chronic Illness Companion!

I’m so glad you’re here. This space is dedicated to exploring the realities of living with a chronic condition or illness: the ups, the downswings, and everything in between. We’ll be looking at how it shapes not only our physical health, but also our mental and emotional well-being…

Read more

8 months ago · 1 like · Caroline Poland

Posts on that substack will include topics such as:

• The emotional toll of living with chronic illness

• Gentle tools for regulation and emotional care

• Identity shifts and loss

• Navigating shame, guilt, and embarrassment

• Medical trauma

• Relationships and boundaries

• Grief and loss

• Self-compassion in low-capacity seasons

• Gentle tools for regulation and emotional care

• How to support a friend or family member with chronic illness

If you are someone living with a chronic illness, I would love to have you join me there! Feel free to pass my new substack along to friends, family members, or colleagues who have a chronic illness as well.

I want to again assure you that the contents of Conversations with Caroline will remain unchanged. Here, we will continue to remain focused on health and well-being in the workplace. I will be back in the next week or so with my first official substack post of 2026, and I’m really excited about the topic! I know it will resonate with many of you.

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

Subscribe now

If you’re curious about the importance of reflecting and the benefits that it offers us, you can read more about that here.

Below is a list of questions that you can utilize as you reflect on your year:

1. What situations triggered self-criticism this year? How could you shift these self-criticizing statements to a more balanced, self-compassionate statement? (You can read a substack about this here)

2. What led you to feel drained this year? Are there repeating patterns that fuel feeling drained or beyond your capacity?

3. What systems in the workplace helped you to thrive? Which systems were a drain on you or your energy? Give specific examples and then explore the impacts of these systems on your career and life.

4. Which projects or roles at work felt life-giving or energizing to you? Which workplace situations contributed to a feeling of purpose or meaning in your life? Conversely, what projects or roles felt like busy work or drained you? Are there any patterns that you notice?

5. What meeting, role, process, or habit could you remove next year to create 2–3 extra hours per week? These would be additional things that take away from you fulfilling your primary job responsibilities.

6. If your year at work had a headline attached to it, what would that headline be? What data does that headline give to you? (i.e. What would benefit me to stop, start, or continue?)

7. How will you protect your recovery and health over the next 12 months? Name three non-negotiables that will ultimately support your health and success for the long run.

8. Where have you struggled to leave work at work? Are there certain expectations, interactions, or communication patterns that lead you to ruminate about work in the evenings? If so, name 2-3 steps that you can begin to take to contain work at work and free your mind to focus on other things in the evening. (I give an example of how I personally do this here)

9. What situations led to you tipping into “toxic productivity territory”? (You can read my susbstack here on an introduction to toxic productivity) Signs to look for including poor boundaries between work and life, a reduction in self-care, working longer hours at regular intervals, regularly taking on responsibilities at work that are not connected to your listed job responsibilities.

10. In what ways have you interwoven what you do (or your accomplishments) with who you are, your sense of worth, or your ability to be accepted? I wrote the following in an earlier substack post: “When we move through life believing that the way to gain love, acceptance, or worthiness is through what we achieve, we run faster and faster on the treadmill that will ultimately lead to cascading negative impacts. Who we are is not what we achieve, and your worthiness does not come from what you produce.” Ref

As a reminder: these questions (or some mix of them) can be used at whatever interval you’d like, not just reflecting at the end of the year. You could easily change “year” to “quarter” if you’d like to use some of the questions on a more regular basis! These questions, in addition to the ten I posted here in 2023, can support you in understanding your rhythms, patterns, beliefs, and actions at work. Additionally, they can help you determine what actions or rhythms you want to change or keep the same.

I want to thank you all for following along here and continuing to support my work. Thank you for reading each post, for sharing the posts with your friends or colleagues, and for engaging with me on different social media platforms. Thank you to each of you who attended a talk or lecture that I gave this year as well!

As we close out 2025 and head into 2026, I hope for moments where you’re able to catch yourself in self-criticism and move toward kindness and self-compassion. I hope for moments where you have the courage to set boundaries where you need to in order to support your overall health, success, and productivity. I hope for moments where you are able to disentangle your work and accomplishments from your self-worth. I hope for moments that allow you to fight for health and well-being for yourself and for your workplaces. Continue to ask yourself, “what is mine to do?” and go do those things.

Happy New Year!

I’m currently scheduling talks, workshops, and seminars for 2026! If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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In last month’s post, I introduced what trust and transparency is and what it looks like within organizations. Today I want to expand on this topic further, so let’s dive in and continue to discuss this important principle.

Clarifying What Trust & Transparency Is and Isn’t:

There are many misconceptions of what it looks like, especially within organizations. I want to address a few of these:

• Not oversharing or sharing information inappropriately with others: There are limits that exist to information that can be shared. Additionally, some information may be appropriate for some people or positions but not for others. Wisdom needs to be used here. It also shouldn’t need to be said, but sharing others’ personal information with others is not appropriate transparency.

• Publishing information from organizational assessments (such as climate surveys) to employees, but then failing to act on the information gathered: I’m sure many of you have had an experience where a climate survey is posted, and the results are shared, but then nothing changes from the information that was gained. This can be very frustrating, and it erodes trust.

Steps to Implementing the Principle of Trust and Transparency in the Workplace:

The items below are examples, so consider using these to brainstorm and make decisions regarding implementation in your organization or department.

• Put out an anonymous feedback survey to identify the top 3-5 issues or experiences that cause anxiety or uncertainty (i.e. performance reviews, schedule changes, meetings or interactions with a specific individual). Create action steps to facilitate increased trust or transparency, then ensure appropriate follow through in implementation. Remember to re-assess!

• The “no surprises rule” and explaining before enforcing a change: As mentioned previously, giving appropriate explanations ahead of time prior to enforcing a change, is beneficial. Holding to a “no surprises rule” builds trust and creates further appropriate transparency.

• Create a decision-memo template to be used when changes are being implemented: This memo template will be predictable to your employees, and should include the problem being addressed, the decision and rationale for that decision, the decision-makers who were involved, the potential risks and steps taken to mitigate these risks, future plans and dates to revisit the policy, and opportunities for employee feedback. Remember to allow feedback to be given in more than one way, and for individuals to provide anonymous feedback.

• Create clear policies and procedures around harassment and reporting guidelines: It is important for organizations to be clear about what defines harassment, what steps occur after a report is made, what support an individual can expect to receive, what the rights are for both the individual making the report and the individual who had the report made against them, and what can be expected in regards to the timeline of the investigation. Transparency and fidelity to this process from the top-down in an organization is critical.

• Build good “communication hygiene”: Communication hygiene means having appropriate norms and expectations for clear, consistent, and transparent habits when it comes to communication within the organization and with each member. This includes where and how communication happens (i.e. what communication looks like following a decision or how meetings are summarized).

• Train leaders in soft skills: It is critical for leaders to have the ability to display soft skills, such as appropriate and respectful active listening, in understanding respect for others and their life experiences, for imagination and creative thinking, the ability to understand broader perspectives between different team members, and to have self-awareness in their role. A Harvard Business Review article mentions the importance of emotional aperture, explained as “the ability to read the room, gauging the collective mood, and recognizing the emotional landscape of your team” (ref)

• Train all employees in healthy repair: As mentioned previously, intent vs impact can be quite different. When the impact has been hurtful, regardless of intent, repair needs to occur. Training employees in healthy and respectful repair is important for trust building.

Examples of Steps or Items Workplaces Can Create to Support Clarity and Transparency

• A decision-memo: create a predictable memo layout that is filled in for each decision, emailed to all appropriate employees, hung in pertinent areas, etc…

• A “What Happens When You Report Harassment” Guide: this will provide complete transparency on the process, what to expect, what support the individual will receive, etc…

• A “What Happens When You Tell Us ____” Guide (A Confidentiality Guide): this provides clarity on what is kept private, confidential, and what gets reported to HR or the next level up in management. The transparency of what information gets escalated and to whom is important.

• A “Steps to Repair” one pager: this gives clear steps to take when trust is broken

• A “How We Make Decisions” Flowchart

• A 3-4 question survey (given at regular intervals, such as quarterly) that assesses clarity, transparency, and safety in the workplace

• A list of check-in prompts for leaders to utilize in meetings: questions such as “What did you hear me say?”, “What concerns do you have with this change?”, “How can I better support you this week/through this project?”, “What resources do you need to better meet the demands of this workplace?”, “What is something that seems to be missing within your work-life integration right now?” (with a follow up on how you can support this), “How clear do you feel your role is within the team or organization?”

As Howard Schultz says:

I think this is an important challenge for each member of an organization’s leadership team.

I hope I’ve demonstrated in this two part series that trust and transparency is essential for the health, functioning, and success of a workplace. Not only does it benefit the well-being of its members, but it also is beneficial for the workplace as a whole in regards to recruitment and retention of top talent. As with aspects of organizational culture in general, this principle of trauma-informed care is best implemented and demonstrated (in action, not just word) from the top down. But, as I mentioned in my last substack, we each have a role to play in contributing positively to trust and transparency in the workplace. Ask yourself “What is mine to do?” related to this. Perhaps there is an action that you can take, perhaps it is passing along these substacks to your supervisor or HR, or suggesting that I be invited to present a brown bag lunch lecture or educational day at your workplace on this important topic.

As I close, I think of the following quote:

Here are some additional resources:

How Transparent Should You Be With Your Team: https://hbr.org/2023/01/how-transparent-should-you-be-with-your-team

6 Essential Leadership Skills - and How to Develop Them: https://hbr.org/2024/10/6-essential-leadership-skills-and-how-to-develop-them

If Trust is So Important, Why Aren’t We Measuring It? https://hbr.org/2025/11/if-trust-is-so-important-why-arent-we-measuring-it

Trust is Key to Success at Work: https://www.forbes.com/sites/pavelkrapivin/2023/10/24/trust-is-key-to-success-at-work/

How to Build Trust in the Workplace: https://www.gallup.com/workplace/393401/trust-decline-rebuild.aspx

My YouTube Series on Trust and Transparency. Here is part 2:

If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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Without trust and transparency, uncertainty runs rampant in the workplace, and results in increased stress and anxiety. Remember: uncertainty can be viewed as a threat (or a potential threat), and the presence of a threat can activate our fight-or-flight responses, moving us from our prefrontal cortex to our amygdala. When that happens, we begin to lose access to our executive function, our wise decision-making, and our ability to regulate ourselves. If we want all employees in the workplace to have access to their prefrontal cortex, it benefits us to do what we can to support predictability in the workplace.

Why this Matters in Organizations

I’m guessing that many of you reading this have had an experience in the workplace where power was used unpredictably, things felt “shady” or inappropriate, lies were told by people above you, or communications felt very muddled or confusing. When workplaces repeat these patterns (i.e. secretive investigations or meetings, surprise policy changes without explanation, inconsistent consequences), they continue to reactivate vigilance, mistrust within the organization, anxiety and stress, and withdrawal.

Transparent and trustworthy systems do the opposite of this by supporting health and well-being, trust at each level of the organization, and creating the conditions that support a sense of belonging. Trust and transparency means that leaders and workplace systems are predictable, honest, and clear about what expectations exist, why things are occurring, and how decisions are being made. Within this principle, employees understand the systems at play and understand the rationale behind new decisions (to the extent that this is possible in the organization). Employees understand what information goes where, and who else is privy to the information that is shared with their supervisors. Trust and transparency, along with safety in the workplace, create a foundation that supports creativity, collaborating, imagination, and taking healthy and appropriate risks. Organizations are better able to recruit and retain high-performing talent when appropriate trust and transparency occur.

In general, trust is a necessary foundation for relationships, whether in our personal life or work life. Stephen Covey says:

Let’s dive in and explore what this looks like in a workplace.

Examples of What Trust & Transparency Look Like:

1. Providing appropriate explanations: When a shift in policy or procedure occurs, giving explanations (such as the ultimate purpose, what went into the decision, who was involved in the decision, the timeline for implementation, and what review processes will look like) is important.

2. Avoiding sequestering information from appropriate individuals: Mistrust festers when information isn’t appropriately shared with employees, despite the fact that their position warrants them receiving it. For example, when you have a meeting about a particular area, and do not include the director of that area, that is the opposite of trust and transparency in the workplace. When actions like this occur, they ultimately cause cascading negative impacts.

3. Providing an understanding of what appropriate boundaries look like: An example of this is clearly defining privacy and “confidentiality”. Being clear about what will happen with information that is shared with a supervisor is important for healthy communication.

4. Providing clarity regarding pay, growth pathways, and meeting expectations: Being appropriately open about pay/salaries, how raises will occur, when reviews happen (what can be expected with the review process and what is done with the information included in the review), and meeting expectations.

5. Repairing after “rupture” or harm: There is a difference between intent and impact. An employee’s intent might be positive, and they can still cause a rupture in trust or harm. Providing education and discussing what healthy repair after trust has been violated or harm has occurred looks like, is critical for the establishment of healthy trust and felt safety in the workplace.

6. Commit to “no surprises” (as much as possible): Things like investigations, promotions, schedule and location changes, etc… should be made as clear as possible, with advanced warning as often as possible. When a new decision is made, it is important to try to give some space between employees hearing about the change and its implementation.

7. Clarify what defines harassment in the workplace, and what the steps occur once a report has been made: Being clear about what defines harassment, what steps occur after a report is made, what support an individual can expect to receive, what the rights are for both the individual making the report and the individual who had the report made against them, and what can be expected in regards to timeline, is incredibly important for organizations. Transparency and fidelity to this process from the top-down in an organization is critical.

I also want to mention that trust must be earned. Regardless of the position that we are in, we cannot demand the trust of others (and, if we do, that will often be a sign to others that we are, in fact, not trustworthy!). We need to be willing to work to earn someone’s trust over time.

As the Chairman of AM International, Ashwin Muthiah, says:

Breeding mistrust in an organization is absolutely toxic, and will harm organizational culture, individual employee health and well-being, and will negatively impact recruitment, retention, success, and productivity. A company that is secretive and untrustworthy cannot flourish, so it behooves organizations to take this principle of trauma-informed workplaces and apply it.

We each have a role to play in contributing positive trust and transparency to a workplace. My question to you is this: what is yours to do? We each have important work here, so don’t let the things that you don’t have control over take away from the things that you do. In the next post we’ll explore more about what trust and transparency isn’t, as well as steps to implementing trust and transparency.

Here are a few additional resources:

A Smarter Way to Disagree https://hbr.org/2025/11/a-smarter-way-to-disagree: this article discusses, among other things, the intention-behavior and behavior-perception gaps that occur in the workplace

Trust and Transparency (part 1):

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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Why The “More” Mentality Leads to Burnout

As I’ve discussed in prior substacks (here and here), burnout isn’t a personal failure, but is often a natural response to a systemic issue (and it’s a sign that something needs to change). Burnout can be fueled by a variety of factors, including not having enough resources to meet the demands of work, inappropriate treatment by those in the workplace, inappropriate expectations for ourselves (put on us by others or ourselves), and toxic productivity (you can read more about toxic productivity in my previous substack posts here and here). When the drive to do more, be more, achieve more, and produce more goes too far, we often land in an experience of burnout. When we “over-focus” on achievement and success, while ignoring the other areas of our life, we begin to burnout. In this situation, the fix isn’t to stop succeeding, but rather to get our life back into balance. The work of noticing and re-balancing is critical for enduring success across our lifespan.

What Supports Enduring Success

Enduring success across the lifespan (and work span) is the balanced goal that we are trying to attain. Enduring success occurs when we are balanced in life’s different areas. Nash and Stevenson noted:

“Our research uncovered four irreducible components of enduring success: happiness (feelings of pleasure or contentment about your life); achievement (accomplishments that compare favorably against similar goals others have strived for); significance (the sense that you’ve made a positive impact on people you care about); and legacy (a way to establish your values or accomplishments so as to help others find future success).” (ref)

When we move away from a balance in these areas, success begins to diminish (think, for example, about the workaholic who, on the surface, appears quite successful, but on the inside is feeling very empty and lonely). A win in one area often doesn’t satisfy someone, though on the surface it feels like it “should”.

“People who tell you that happiness, achievement, and significance will come automatically if you simply do the work you love are misguided.” – Nash and Stevenson

Nash and Stevenson summarized their research this way:

And this, in a nutshell, is the paradigm of limitation. We limit ourselves to “just enough” in any one area for the sake of the whole. In essence, this becomes a juggling act. It is reasoned, thoughtful, and intentional work, and it creates a foundation of enduring and meaningful success across the span of your career.

The Four Categories of Enduring Success at Work

Checking in on the four components will help you stay on track and ensure that you are doing just enough (and not too much) in each of life’s areas at work. Here is an example of how these impact the workday:

• Happiness: How energized am I today? Do I feel content? Am I enjoying the moment? Where am I deriving a sense of pleasure from throughout the day? This component impacts overall mood, our sense of recovery at the end of the workday, and psychological safety.

  • Warning signs that this area is low: You dread checking your email or Slack, you skip breaks.

  • Just enough looks like: One real break in the workday, a doable to‑do list, one small win, looking forward to something in the day.

• Achievement: What did I accomplish this week? This component impacts our perception of the results of our work, the milestones that we hit, our wealth, and the visibility and recognition that we receive.

  • Warning signs that this area is low: You’re busy but not experiencing true outcomes, it never feels like “enough”, you find yourself stuck in cycles of perfectionism.

  • Just enough looks like: 1–3 main priorities, a clear sense of “done-ness”, shared progress within the team.

• Significance: Does my work matter to someone? What is the impact of the work that I do? This component impacts our sense of purpose, usefulness, and service.

  • Warning signs that this area is low: Thoughts like: “why am I even doing this?” and “there is no real purpose in what I do.”

  • Just enough looks like: Knowing the customer, connecting tasks to value, helping a teammate, understanding the positive impacts of your actions, both now and in the future.

• Legacy: How does this fit my long game? What is the impact of this project/my work on the future? This component impacts a sense of growth, reputation, compounding skills, and a ripple effect in the future.

  • Warning signs that this area is low: You’re learning nothing new, you don’t have a “long game” for your life, you don’t feel like this has a positive impact.

  • Just enough looks like: Engaging in one stretch task, gaining feedback that you can use, spending 30 minutes on a skill that compounds over time, defining your “why” for the work that you do.

A 5 Minute Check-In:

1. Draw four boxes, and label each box with one of components of enduring success (happiness, achievement, significance, and legacy) Rate each one from a scale of 1-5 (1= not in alignment, 5=very in alignment)

2. Look at your lowest component. What do you notice about this component?

3. Begin to assess what micro-shifts you can make over the next several days to begin to change that quadrant. Here are some examples to get you thinking:

a. Happiness: Block a real lunch with a friend or colleague, remove a non-essential meeting, work outside (see this substack post on nature at work).

b. Achievement: Remove a low‑value task, define what “done” really means, ask, “What would make this excellent enough?”

c. Significance: Meet the end user, start with “who benefits” from this, write your “why” within a specific job or task, write out the cascading impacts of what you do.

d. Legacy: Book a feedback one-on-one, shadow someone, spend 30 minutes on deep practice.

4. Share your plan with a trusted other (colleague, supervisor, friend)!

You can download the following 5 minute check-in worksheet to help support you as you process what your “just enough” looks like! Try the 5 minute check‑in for the next 30 days. You’ll feel the difference: steadier direction, clearer wins, and a workweek that actually works.

Enduring Success Check In Worksheet

52.1KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

The Bottom Line

Enduring success isn’t about burning yourself out chasing one measure of achievement. Rather, it’s about tending to all the parts of your life with care. When you give “just enough” to happiness, achievement, significance, and legacy, you build a rhythm that sustains you, not drains you. It means you can show up at work without losing yourself, invest in others without running dry, and keep growing without neglecting joy. Success across a lifetime isn’t about perfection: it’s about balance, mindful noticing, and figuring out the “shades of gray” that work for you. You deserve a version of success that lasts in your life, and “just enough” is more than enough to get you there.

Here are some additional resources:

The 4 Keys of Enduring Success: https://www.library.hbs.edu/working-knowledge/four-keys-of-enduring-success-how-high-achievers-win

Here is a short clip of me talking about the paradigm of limitation during a recent talk that I gave:

If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

• “You should be further along.”

• “Why can’t you focus?”

• “Get it together already.”

• “I’m always messing things up.”

• “This shouldn’t be so difficult for me.”

Does this concept sound familiar?

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In the work that I do, I regularly hear versions of these thoughts. One of the most persistent (and harmful) beliefs employees carry is the idea that ultimately being hard on themselves is what keeps them productive, driven, or high-achieving. At one level, we might believe that we need to bully ourselves into success.

Here’s the truth: self-criticism isn’t a sustainable motivator. In fact, it’s often the very thing that derails our performance, creativity, and mental health.

Harsh Self-Talk Isn’t a Productivity Tool

Let’s get something straight:

• Criticism doesn’t create clarity or focus: it clouds it with fear and self-doubt.

• Shame doesn’t inspire creativity: it shuts down the nervous system and reduces cognitive flexibility and executive function.

• Self-judgment doesn’t build resilience: it depletes your emotional reserves when you need them most.

Research consistently shows that when people feel safe, supported, and psychologically secure, they’re more able to take risks, solve problems, and recover from setbacks. Berating yourself, even silently, creates the opposite environment internally. When we attack ourselves (through criticism or “should’s”), we send ourselves into our survival response. When this happens, we shift from our prefrontal cortex to our amygdala, and this impacts executive function and high-level decision-making ability. (If you’re interested in reading more about the research around safety in the workplace, you can click here and here to read the posts I’ve written on this topic)

What Actually Helps?

Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher in the area of self-compassion, states:

“While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy. Self-compassion recognizes that failure is not only inevitable, but it’s also our best teacher…There is an ever-increasing body of research that attests to the motivational power of self-compassion. Self-compassionate people set high standards for themselves, but they aren’t as upset when they don’t meet their goals. Instead, research shows that they’re more likely to set new goals for themselves after failure rather than wallowing in feelings of frustration and disappointment. Self-compassionate people have more intrinsic motivation in life — trying hard because they want to learn and grow, not because they need to impress themselves or others.”

If you’re trying to stay grounded, focused, and high-functioning in your workplace (especially if you’re navigating high stress or burnout), here’s what actually makes a difference:

• Curiosity: Observing yourself without judgment to gather insight and data, not fuel criticism. Engaging with the “self-critical part” of ourselves to understand what this part of us is responding to (remember: self-criticism is serving as a survival response, such as protecting you)

• Self-awareness: Mindfully noticing your thoughts and emotions without getting swept away by them.

• Self-compassion: Responding to your mistakes or struggles in the same way you would to a colleague or friend that you care about. (I wrote two posts on self-compassion and work here and here) This involves “creating a new script” for yourself to follow.

• Balanced expectations: Setting goals that stretch you—but don’t crush you.

High standards are not the enemy, and you can still absolutely hold yourself to them. However, this route to excellence doesn’t require bullying or self-punishment. It does require self-respect.

A Simple Check-In Tool

Here’s a practical reflection you can try, especially during stressful weeks:

Ask yourself: Would I say this to a colleague I admire and respect?

If the answer is no, pause. Reframe. Practice meeting yourself with the same level of dignity and compassion.

If you’re interested in an additional exercise to support you in moving from self-criticism to self-compassion, you can find a 5-step process in the downloadable list here:

From Self Criticism To Self Compassion Shifting Your Inner Dialogue Exercise

652KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

You can also find a thought-record here.

A Final Thought

Many of us learned that being self-critical was a sign of responsibility or ambition. Perhaps we learned to speak to ourselves this way from caregivers in our lives. As adults navigating complex workplaces, it is critical that we outgrow this mindset. Being hard on yourself isn’t proof that you care: it’s often a sign that you’re stuck in an old, unhelpful pattern.

You deserve better than that, and your work will be enriched, too, when you treat yourself with the same compassion you’d extend to others.

And, as a sidenote: self-criticism can fuel toxic productivity, increase anxiety and stress, and can push us closer to burnout.

So as you move through your week, take a breath. Speak to yourself kindly. And remember: sustainable success is built on self-awareness and care, not self-punishment.

Here are a few additional resources:

Additional Resources:

• Don’t Silence Your Inner Critic. Talk to It

• Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

• Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion

• Self-Compassion Exercise from Dr. Kristin Neff

• Self-Compassion Test

• Failing Forward

If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, women in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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My own engagement with nature has grown as I’ve progressed through my professional life. Whether it is pausing to gaze out the window, eating lunch outside, working outside when possible (I’m publishing this substack from the table on my porch!), or surrounding myself with indoor plants, I’ve chosen to increase my time engaging with nature throughout the day. I walk almost every evening, including throughout the winter. I have houseplants, I listen to nature noises, I garden, and I hike throughout the summer. All of these touchpoints with nature make such a difference.

But don’t just take my word for it! Let’s look at the evidence about what nature can offer to us:

1. Nature reduces stress, anxiety, and depression: Spending time in green spaces lowers cortisol (a stress hormone). Walking through green spaces (a garden, down a street with grass and trees, or a hike through the woods) can help to regulate and shift into the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” system, as opposed to the sympathetic nervous system which is the “fight or flight” system). There are a variety of studies that show the positive impacts of nature and “green space” on mental health and well-being. One study done in Colorado (from just prior to and through the first year of the pandemic) reports the following: “Our study documents that both perceived and objective green space measures were associated with lower depression and anxiety scores”. (ref) A recent study out of Texas A&M University School of Public Health “suggests that city dwellers who have more exposure to urban green spaces require fewer mental health services.” (ref)

2. Nature increases creative thinking: To be successful at work, we need to be adaptive and creative. Busyness, stress, anxiety, and trauma (amongst other experiences) reduces our ability to think creatively. One study in Denmark states the following: “findings from this study show that nature does indeed have the capacity to enhance creativity. This study explains how nature has the ability to evoke the creative way of thinking by making us more curious, able to get new ideas as well as flexible in our way of thinking. Nature also helps us to recharge our directed-attention which is needed when analyzing and further developing ideas.” (ref)

3. Nature improves the ability to focus and concentrate: To be successful in completing a task, we need to be able to focus and concentrate appropriately, and nature can support us in this goal. One study summary reported the following: “In general, cognitive tasks that require working memory and cognitive flexibility improve most reliably after nature exposure, with tasks requiring attentional control also showing some improvements.” (ref) This brings us to Attention Restoration Theory, which proposes that exposure to nature “help us improve our focus and ability to concentrate” (ref) One study summary stated the following: “researchers Carolyn M. Tennessen and Bernardine Cimprich (1995) investigated whether simply having a better view of nature can improve one’s attention and boost restoration. They compared university students’ performance on tests of directed attention based on the degree of nature in the view from their dormitory window. Those who were able to view more nature outside their window performed better on the battery of tests than those without, providing further support for the theory.” (ref)

In his book Super Agers, Dr. Eric Topol writes the following: “We don’t spend nearly enough time outdoors in natural environments. The diverse health benefits that have been reported include lower blood pressure, improved sleep health, reduced risk of cardiovascular disease, improved cognitive function, better immune system response, reduced stress (with lower cortisol levels), and alleviation of symptoms of depression. A key mechanism that has been raised for the benefit of time in nature, and promotion of well-being, is activation of the olfactory pathway. Among nearly twenty thousand nationally representative participants, good health or high well-being was significantly greater with more than 120 minutes of exposure per week to nature, such as parks, woodlands, or beaches.” (p. 257)

These are not the only benefits to nature, but hopefully I have shown you all enough research to convince you that engaging with nature is essential to your wellbeing and successful in the workplace. If you are an employer, boss, or supervisor, please remember that supporting your employees’ engagement with nature will help boost success and productivity in the workplace.

Given that our days at work are busy, how can we utilize nature to our benefit throughout the day?

1. Take mini-breaks to look outside: Even spending 30 seconds to slow down, walk to a window, and mindfully breathe as you notice nature can be helpful! This is easy to do. If your mind is feeling fuzzy in the middle of a task, stand up and look outside.

2. Utilize a longer break like lunch to go outside: Take 10-15 minutes outside to sit and read, talk to colleagues, or go on a brief walk.

3. Work near a window if possible: In point 3 above I shared some research about the connection between being able to view nature and increased performance.

4. Incorporate nature indoors: In your office, surround yourself with pictures of nature, indoor plants, rocks, shells, or similar wooden objects. Some of these small, smooth objects are great fidgets. Nature-themed computer screens/backgrounds can be great! My current background is a forest, and I love seeing it throughout the day.

5. Utilize outdoors meetings as weather and health allow: This is dependent on the health and needs of each individual employee! I had several bosses that would hold individual and group meetings outside, and I absolutely loved being able to get outside in the middle of the day.

6. Listen to nature sounds: Recordings of gentle nature sounds such as waves, a light breeze, rain, or birds is calming. One study looked specifically at the sound of birds, finding the following: “The benefits persisted well beyond the bird encounter. If a participant reported seeing or hearing birds at one point, their mental well-being was higher, on average, hours later even if they did not encounter birds at the next check-in.” (ref)

7. After work, prioritize getting outside: Take a walk with friends or family members, sit outside if you are waiting for a child at an activity, garden (here’s a Mayo Clinic article on the benefits of gardening), choose to exercise outside, or anything else that you can think of!

Consider engaging in a nature challenge for yourself! Choose a few options above to engage in each day. Even better- start an office challenge, and work together to increase your engagement with nature throughout the day. Enjoy the personal and professional benefits that come with it! To make it easy for you, I’ve created a checklist. Simply reference your checklist each day and choose the options that work best for you! If you get lost in your work, let me encourage you to add a calendar alert that will remind you to look out the window, step outside, or listen to nature noises!

Here's the checklist for you to download:

Workday Nature Challenge Checklist

205KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Here are some additional resources:

• Birdwatching Has Big Mental-Health Benefits. Here’s How to Start: https://time.com/6231886/birdwatching-mental-health/

• Time Spent in Nature Can Boost Physical and Mental Well-Being (Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health): https://hsph.harvard.edu/news/time-spent-in-nature-can-boost-physical-and-mental-well-being/

• Nurtured by Nature (American Psychological Association): https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature

• 7 Ways to Connect Young Students with Naturehttps://www.edutopia.org/article/7-ways-connect-young-students-nature/

• Forest Bathing: What It Is and Its Potential Benefits: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-forest-therapy-can-be-good-for-your-body-and-mind

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If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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What are the symptoms of burnout?

Here are a few of the “red flags” to watch out for:

• Anxiety

• Difficulty sleeping

• Relationship strain

• Loss of meaning or purpose

• Exhaustion

• Dreading work

• Feeling cynical about work

• Anger/Irritability

• Feeling withdrawn

• Loss of “self”, especially at work

• Depersonalization

• Questioning your professional efficacy

Burnout is more than just feeling tired, and we want to be careful to not conflate the two.

I do want to acknowledge that each of these symptoms could be due to a myriad of reasons, so just because you are identifying these symptoms doesn’t necessarily mean you have burnout. However, this may be an appropriate time to take action, to meet with a therapist who can help you assess root causes and support you in addressing these so symptoms don’t get worse.

Assessing for Burnout

In addition to working with a therapist, there are also assessments that can be used to help give a more in depth picture of the experiences of burnout. Please note that we can’t simply take a score alone, but rather we need to take the context of life and life experiences into account.

1. The Maslach Burnout Inventory: The MBI is commonly used to assess burnout. There are a variety of versions of this inventory, including for general use, those in medical professions, human services, educators, and students. You can learn more about this inventory here.

2. The Professional Quality of Life Scale (ProQOL): This assessment gives scores on compassion satisfaction, compassion fatigue, secondary traumatic stress, and burnout. This is free to use, and is an easy way to check-in regularly with yourself. You can find out more about this inventory here.

3. The following link (from the National Academy of Medicine) includes a list of additional burnout inventories, including publishing date and whether or not this assessment is free: https://nam.edu/product/valid-and-reliable-survey-instruments-to-measure-burnout-well-being-and-other-work-related-dimensions/

A Way Forward

1. Reach out to a therapist: A therapist will be able to personally take your life circumstances into account and help you figure out what occurred that allowed you to hit a point of burnout, and help you determine next steps for yourself.

2. Explore the systems that you find yourself in: systemic impacts of burnout are common, so determining what needs to change at work and in life is important. For burnout at work to change, we have to be able to change something about the workplace, and this takes thoughtfulness.

3. Set boundaries: Burnout is a sign that something needs to change. Being able to set boundaries and wisely say “yes” and “no” is important. Say yes to top priorities, and no to things that take away from recovery. You will likely have to realign some of your priorities or actions at work.

4. Address toxic productivity: Toxic productivity contributes greatly to experiences of burnout. I did a 3 part series on this, so you can read more about it here (part 1), here (part 2), and here (part 3).

5. Advocate for yourself: Once you’ve identified things that need to change (such as the balance of demands and resources at work), then you need to advocate for yourself. Set up a meeting with your supervisor(s) or HR, or whomever makes sense within your organization. Begin to address job responsibilities, a boss’s treatment of you, workplace expectations, or the resources that you have (or don’t have) to get your job done effectively! Address any instances of harassment or discrimination that are impacting you in the workplace, as this contributes to workplace burnout. If your burnout is connected to chronic health conditions, advocating for yourself might mean asking for help and support from others around you. Navigating chronic health conditions takes a significant amount of time and energy beyond that of normal living, and getting support where needed and possible is incredibly important.

6. Prioritize self-care and sustainable healthy rhythms: We can’t “self-care” our way out of burnout, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t important. Doing things that help you emotionally regulate, that are fun, or are life-giving (fills your “energy tank”) are resources to help balance the demands of work and life. Exercising/moving your body, spending time in nature, connecting to others, enjoying a hobby, making time for fun and play, reading, and other similar experiences are important for self-care and overall well-being. Practicing self-compassion is also helpful.

The reality is that we don’t have to wait until “break down” for burnout to be addressed. Before burnout hits, we can regularly assess ourselves, decrease toxic productivity (and address the things that lead to toxic productivity), set healthier boundaries, and advocate for ourselves. However, sometimes a workplace becomes so unhealthy, and there are so many systemic issues, that we may reach a point of burnout anyways. When this happens, we want to respond as quickly as possible to begin to address this experience. And don’t forget: we don’t have to earn rest and fun. These are essential to incorporate throughout our life in order to stay healthy and well!

During my recent presentation at the University of Texas Permian Basin, I shared a summary of strategies for “Breaking the Burnout Cycle”. Here are the strategies:

If you’ve experienced burnout, or if you are actively experiencing it right now, remember you are not alone! Please don’t walk this road alone. Reach out to others for help and support, and know that it is possible to create healthier and more sustainable rhythms for yourself! Remember that saying “yes” and “no” wisely is ultimately your ticket to productivity and well-being … and no one can do it for you!

And remember:

If you’re interested in hiring me to speak to your organization on the topics of burnout, strategies for mental health and well-being in the workplace, or trauma-informed workplaces, please fill out the following form: https://www.polandandassociates.com/hirecaroline

Further Resources:

Why Workplace Burnout Matters (American Psychological Association)

6 Causes of Burnout, and How to Avoid Them (Harvard Business Review)

Job Burnout: How to Spot It and Take Action (Mayo Clinic): this link includes several excellent questions for reflection

Several years ago I did a series on Burnout on YouTube. You can watch it here:

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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Towards the beginning of my address, I said: “I think, if I could wish one thing for you, the class of 2017, it would be this: I hope you fail.” I know on the surface this seems like a strange way to encourage a graduating class. However, the mindset that we have as we respond to “failures” is paramount to how we navigate our life, including our work and relationships.

And here’s the reality: failure, or the fear of failure, can be paralyzing. We’ve learned to be afraid of failure through a variety of experiences. Perhaps a caregiver or educator was unnecessarily harsh to you when things went less than perfectly. Perhaps we experienced embarrassment when a mistake was broadcast to our peers. Maybe we’ve listened as society has talked about someone who “failed” in a way that felt demeaning or shaming. Whatever the reason, we’ve developed a mindset and set of beliefs around “failures” or mistakes that influence our behaviors and fear of failing.

Is failure, or our perceived idea of failure, something to be avoided at all costs? Something that will end up harming us? Do you believe it’s better to not try than to fail? Is it better to avoid embarrassment, shame, or guilt? What is your idea of “failure”?

If we’re smart about it, “failure” goes along with the idea of being a curious observer of ourselves, others, and the world. Failures only remain failures when we refuse to engage with them and learn from them, and instead hide the situation under the rug. Unfortunately, we do not automatically learn from failures. It takes intentional work, focus, and setting aside of our ego. When we can set our failure on the table, gain distance from it, look at it from every angle, and interact with it from the stance of a curious observer, we are able to gain useful data that we can take with us into future situations in our life.

C.S Lewis highlighted this concept by saying:

C.S. Lewis was making the point that the intentional process of engaging in our failures leads toward success. Engaging in the failing better process involves a few critical pieces:

• We set aside our ego and slightly distance ourselves from the situation so that we can reflect on it from all angles

• Once we recognize a story, we can begin to do the work of changing that story, and can begin to write a new story for ourselves

• We are able to change the story that we tell about ourselves, our incompetencies, or our imposter syndrome

• We gain important data that allows us to do something better in the future

• We become a stronger, more resilient person. Instead of a person who is knocked down by failure, we are someone who rises, dusts ourselves off, and tries once again.

Winston Churchill also discussed the connection between success and failure by saying the following:

Unfortunately, there is rarely true, lasting success without “failures” along the way. Success and failure are fellow travelers, and it’s important that we make peace with the presence of BOTH these travelers in our life.

Research on the subject of success and failure, reveals that if we are able to remove some of the personalization from failure, we are able to learn from it more than when it is personalized. It also appears that we can more easily learn from another person’s failures than from our own. (ref)

The reality is that you WILL fail, and I hope that you do (but there’s no need to go out and be reckless or intentionally fail). And when you do, I hope that you are able to become a curious observer of yourself and the situation, that you learn, and that you grow. Things rarely go as planned. Some great plans will end up not working, people will be loud in their criticism, and you will doubt yourself.

I ended my address with the following words:

“But what you do in and with those moments of criticism or “failings”, as you embrace your humanness, will define your path forward…or backward. Enter life with courage. Be curious learners who take in data after something doesn’t go well, and learn to fail better and better.

Failing in life is the way to growth and success. It’s the way to daring greatly. And you know that uncertainty you feel today? It never goes away. The question is, do you know how to make uncertainty your friend?”

And so, reader- I also hope that you fail. Not in a way that destroys your life, of course. But I hope that you meet your “failures” from the stance of being a curious observer so that you can gain important data. Learn from these experiences and let them become foundational in your success.

Here are some additional resources for you:

Why Failing Is An Important Part of Success (Forbes): https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbesbusinesscouncil/2022/07/18/why-failing-is-an-important-part-of-success/

The Smart Way to Learn from Failure (BBC): https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20221019-the-smart-way-to-learn-from-failure

Learning from Failure (Motivation Science): https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2024-81057-001.html

Poland and Associates YouTube Series on Uncertainty:

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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What is Burnout?

Researcher Beth Hudnall Stamm says the following about burnout: “Most people have an intuitive idea of what burnout is. From the research perspective, burnout is one of the elements of compassion fatigue. It is associated with feelings of hopelessness and difficulties in dealing with work or in doing your job effectively. These negative feelings usually have a gradual onset. They can reflect the feeling that your efforts make no difference, or they can be associated with a very high workload or a non-supportive work environment.” (ref )

Burnout rarely has to do with one specific event, instead growing steadily beneath the surface at first. Burnout serves as a signal that something needs to change. If we can learn to identify the small signs of burnout, and begin to be proactive about putting things into place to guard against it, we can put protective factors into place to decrease our chances of experiencing burnout.

Burnout can be described as:

When a shift occurs, such that demands outweigh resources, we move towards burnout. Here are examples of demands and resources:

• Demands: Unclear or unrealistic productivity expectations from self or others (i.e. boss or professor), too many job responsibilities, systemic issues of the workplace, meetings to attend, poor organization at work, or a lack of control/autonomy (over schedule, the way to meet responsibilities, decision-making)

• Resources: Being given the tools (i.e. time or supplies) needed to complete a job , healthy expectations of self, emotional regulation strategies, boundaries (an ability to say “yes” and “no” wisely), social connections, resiliency, having healthy empowerment in the workplace (given the authority to meet your responsibilities), or having a healthy definitions of success

What Causes Burnout?

Burnout has to do with workplace conditions and the individuals and general environment of the workplace. When we begin to address these systemic issues within the workplace (or academic setting), burnout begins to resolve! This shows that burnout is not a failure or a shortcoming of the employee (what a relief – there doesn’t need to be a sense of shame if/when we reach burnout!), and it simply serves as data that something needs to change!

I made this graphic for my recent presentation, and wanted to share it here as well:

Living with a chronic illness or disability can also lead to burnout. There are many additional “demands” that occur when navigating life under these conditions, such as experiencing chronic fatigue, managing a heavy and complicated load of doctor’s appointments, living in pain or managing flares, dealing with piles of insurance claims, and generally feeling misunderstood and disconnected from others in life.

So what do we do about burnout? Subscribe to this Substack so you don’t miss out on my next post that will outline a way forward when navigating workplace or academic burnout, as well as a discussion on why workplace burnout matters!

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In the meantime, here are some additional resources for you:

6 Causes of Burnout, and How to Avoid Them (Harvard Business Review)

Job Burnout: How to Spot It and Take Action (Mayo Clinic): this link includes several excellent questions for reflection

My YouTube Series on Burnout in the Workplace:

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.

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Admiral James Stockdale was a pilot in the Vietnam War, and when his plane went down, he was captured, becoming a POW for 7.5 years in the “Hanoi Hilton” (the Hoa Lo Prison). He suffered physical and mental abuse and torture, eventually being released in 1973.

He was later interviewed by Jim Collins, an American researcher and consultant, about his time as a POW. From this conversation, Collins created what he called the “Stockdale Paradox”.

After reading Stockdale’s memoir, he had questions regarding survivorship in the face of uncertainty. After all, Collins said:

“We can all endure anything if we know it’s going to come to an end, but what if you don’t know IF it’s ever going to come to an end, and you certainly don’t know when?” – Jim Collins (ref)

Collins was given the opportunity to ask Stockdale this, and this is what Stockdale had to say about the mindset of those who didn’t survive:

“The optimists,” he replied. “Oh, they were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart… This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end- which you can never afford to lose- with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” (ref)

He went on to say:

As I read this, I was reminded of the wise words of Dr. Viktor Frankl, who survived several years in concentration camps during the Holocaust:

The reality is that we don’t need to be an optimist or a pessimist in order to survive incredibly hard situations. We need to face the full spectrum of our reality while holding onto hope- hope that is fragile and uncertain (perhaps we could call that a bit of “realistic optimism”). The line “they died of a broken heart” has never left my mind since I read it almost 15 years ago, and has shaped the way that I walk through hard situations (and to be clear: I have never experienced anything close to as horrible at Stockdale’s POW experience was).

As I face hard situations, I often think “this might be long, hard, and/or painful, and I know that I can ultimately survive this”. I said this quite a bit in the early days of COVID. I didn’t hang my hat on a date, but rather shifted my mindset to be in line with what Stockdale had noticed, and I found that to be very helpful.

We know that in terms of mental health and well-being, pessimism can take us rapidly down a road of anxiety, stress, or depression. We also know that unrealistic optimism can have unintended negative impacts. For example: “Unrealistic optimism about health prospects can have immediate psychological benefits, as people are less worried about their future if they think that they are unlikely to suffer from a disease. But there are also significantly bad consequences when people underestimate the risk of suffering from a certain condition and fail to adopt preventive measures that would improve their health prospects.” (ref)

So, in situations where survival is key, perhaps a “shades of gray” or “both/and stance” provides the key to surviving, avoiding the trap that the optimists and pessimists fell into as POWs. Perhaps we can develop an approach that allows us to confront the very hard realities that we find ourselves within, while also holding onto faith and hope in the end of the story, as Stockdale suggests.

And how does this apply to our lives?

In work (and of course in life in general), at times we will find ourselves in incredibly difficult, painful, and uncertain circumstances. In working for change, how do we accept our reality while holding hope in the result? When we face suffering, how do we persist, holding both our “brutal reality” and hope and faith in the end reality? How can we incorporate this mindset into our workplaces as we make hard decisions?

I’ll leave you with one final quote from Dr. Viktor Frankl:

I don’t know what is going on in your life or work, reader. Perhaps you are in a season of calm and happiness. Perhaps you are in a season of uncertainty, of fighting for change, or of fear. I hope something from the Stockdale Paradox can be helpful as you decide what mindset you might have. It might be long, it might be hard, it might be painful, but you can survive. We can do it. We need to hold faith that we will prevail in the end.

Additional Resources:

A Former POW Shares Thoughts on Surviving and Thriving in Difficult Times: https://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2020/05/06/former-pow-shares-thoughts-on-surviving-and-thriving-in-difficult-times/

What the Stockdale Paradox Tells Us about Crisis Leadership: https://www.library.hbs.edu/working-knowledge/what-the-stockdale-paradox-tells-us-about-crisis-leadership

Jim Collins on his conversation with Stockdale:

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Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general information and is not meant to be specific advice to any individual situation. This information should not be taken as specific medical, psychological, legal, or mental health advice, nor should this be construed as the initiation of a therapeutic client relationship. This newsletter is not a substitute for mental health services or counseling.