You’re not going to bribe me with a t-shirt 🤣

No, I don’t think that we’re a family with corporate.

I’m not going to blindly follow anyone.

I see all the holes in the promotions and I can read between all the lines.

Your inspirational speaker did not in fact inspire me 😂

This is what makes me MORE confident in what I do 🙌

I want to see an achievable return on investment.

I want to see leaders that are steady and consistent. I don’t need my leaders jumping on desks and giving rah rah speeches. Make good choices and stay the course.

I want to see that the newest person can be successful.

I want to see that you treat the lowest rank just as well as the highest rank.

I want to see a debt free company that is smart with the money we are bringing in. Don’t screw around with OUR investment.

One of the common sayings I see when people are posting about being in a different company is that “It’s just different here”.

My reaction to that statement is “No it’s not.” 😆🫣

It’s ALL business. Business is fundamentally the same everywhere.

Brick and mortar, online, solopreneur, network marketing, whatever. I have two business degrees and decades of experience in every type of business.

I can confidently say business is business is business.

Anyone can make a product. What IS different is how they PAY you. 💰💰💰

The value they put on your effort is in your paycheck. Everything else is smoke and mirrors. 💨🪞

Sure company culture matters. You know who has good company culture? The kind of people who pay their people very well.

It’s not in the tax deductible pizza party or the (also tax deductible) swag on your desk. 🍕

Pizza parties are good from morale? You know what’s really good for morale? Hella money 😂

I believe in straightforward, easy to understand, compensation.

I believe in a high percentage paid to the people making the sales.

I believe in profit sharing.

I believe in incentive trips that actually cover airfare and extras, not just the room. It’s not an incentive to pay to be places.

I don’t care what noise is happening out there. What the latest hype is. If it’s not in the money, it’s not worth looking at 🤷‍♀️

Keep the t-shirt 👕 I’m not your hype girl. If I’m promoting something, it’s solid.

With 4 companies in 20 years now, I’m careful. I’m cautious. And I’m very confident 💯👌

This is one that we use when Dezzy gets caught in an over thinking spiral or is frozen in a decision.

She regularly finds herself asking “What if I’m wrong?” or saying” I don’t want to make the wrong choice!” and it can lead to huge meltdowns.

I say this one A LOT.

The thing about life is there is no real way to know what’s going to happen. We have way less control than we think we do.

Choices are generally neutral. It’s our feelings about the choices they determine how we view them.

Maybe you had a meal that didn’t make you feel your best. Not a bad choice, just a choice. A choice and the outcome of that choice. It doesn’t say anything about you.

Maybe you wore the wrong thing for the weather, spent your money on something that you didn’t end up using, or didn’t speak up soon enough when you had something to say.

Perhaps it was the college, the city, or the spouse.

In Dezzy’s case, maybe you just picked the wrong ice cream flavor and now your life is obviously ruined 🤣

They are just choices. You might learn something for next time, but maybe you won’t. That’s fine too.

You will make more choices. If you’re reading this then it isn’t your last one.

A series of choices over time will create the outcome that is your life.

If you don’t like the current outcome you can start making different choices and see if they give you a result you like more.

It’s okay to make a choice and decide later to make a different one.

It’s okay to say you don’t like the result of the choice you made. No big deal. You’ll have another chance.

There is no moral superiority in getting it “right”. There is no trophy waiting for you at the end of your life for getting it all “correct”.

Go get messy. Make some choices. See what happens from there 🫶

Almost every single night (dad’s house or super late days when I might miss it do happen) I write Dezzy a list of compliments. I even take it when we travel 🧳

Things she did well. Things I’m proud of. Things I enjoyed doing with her that day. Things I appreciated about her that day.

I started it when I learned that neurodivergent kids hear massively more negative messages about themselves each day than typical children.

I saw myself as part of that problem. I’m not super complimentary. My mind leans more critical.

I wanted to make sure she knew that I DO see the good, every day. Hard days or fun ones, either way, I see the good in her.

When I first shared this people said there was no way we could keep it up. I think that was good for me, because don’t effing tell me what I can or can’t do 🤣👌

Every now and then I catch her reading the old ones. Just going through and remembering what happened that day and feeling good about herself.

I genuinely hope to do it for her entire childhood 🤞 Excited to start our 5th book 🫶

If something is happening over and over it needs your attention. There is a habit that needs changing, a system that needs creating, or a mindset that needs shifting.

We don’t want to beat ourselves up over forgetting a backpack, falling behind on tasks, or missing something important.

Things happen! Being human is okay. You’re still getting an “A” at 90 % so chill out.

However if it happens every week, you need support. A system in place. Habit to change.

Where are you putting the backpack? Where are you keeping it? What are you doing that’s making you forget?

Do you have too many tasks? Do they need a different schedule? Do you need a system for reminders? Do you need help?

Is your life overbooked? Do you need a better calendar system? Do you need to slow down before you say yes?

What needs to change for the issue to stop happening? System, support, mindset, or habit? Maybe all 3.

If it’s just a quick oops give yourself grace. If it’s a real problem, SOLVE IT 💓

Helping her understand that the puzzle has to go together the way it’s meant to or the pieces break.

Over the last 6 or so years it’s grown so much 🩵

Now it’s about relationships.

It’s about fitting activities into our schedule.

Deciding on the next audition.

Food when we’re full.

Business ideas.

A line in something she’s writing.

Trying to do too much.

I say it more than I ever have and it’s such a relief to let things go that don’t belong.

To say no to things.

Moving on from people.

To invest time in the places that feel aligned ✨

The puzzle of life takes effort to make sure the pieces go together without breaking.

I think this might be my favorite one because it took me almost 40 years to live by it 💓

Sometimes, on hard days, I’ll be scrolling after she’s asleep and I’ll see something cute, maybe I’ll get an email, or a notification from my wishlist of a book that she wanted.

It is my initial reaction to want to buy it. Get a little love sent to her in the mail. Something to let her know I love her and I’m sorry, without actually going to wake her up and say that 🤣

I have to stop myself from doing that because that’s not good for anyone financially. Also our house is the size of a tour bus hahaha, let’s be real I have no room.

I know that she needs me to not be stressed about money more than she needs a cute little gift.

Some things I’ve done instead:

- Written a letter, note or card 📝

- Planned something fun for us to do the next day. Play a game, go on a fun walk, make something, etc. 🎲

- Put books on hold at the library that I think she’d like 📚 I do this one a lot 😆

- Find a more fun focused homeschool lesson for the next day as a surprise 👩‍🏫

- Make her a fun breakfast 🍳 Usually making some sort of picture out of her food.

- Get something on the calendar she’s been asking for. This is how we’ve ended up at places like the Cat Cafe 😹

- Record her a little video or send her a fun chat message 📸

- The all time favorite has to be when I decorated her door in post-it notes of things I love about her 🚪

I guess I must have done it twice because she has decorated the wall under her bed with them and they are blue, so these aren’t them 😆🤷‍♀️

Obviously anything I do would also come with a genuine apology and accountability.

It’s so hard not to default to buying something, or an old go-to of food rewards, like going for ice cream🍦

In the end I just want to show her I see the behavior, I know we’ve had a hard moment, but we are still good and she is safe 💓

That can be accomplished with a jug and sincere words. I don’t have to DO anything, and I usually don’t.

These are just some ways I keep myself from the impulses that don’t align with my goals 🫶

Most of you know I was anorexic and/or bulimic for about 10 years.

Eventually I gave up the purging and just stuck to the binge eating for another decade or so.

There is a 150 lb swing between my two extremes in these pictures. ⚖️

I am genuinely surprised I never ended up hospitalized. 😳

▶️ For 3 months before 8th grade I threw up everything I ate. I stuck to mostly ramen because it was easiest.

People celebrated me when I came back to school. I got a boyfriend. I learned quickly that this was “good”. It all made sense 💡

▶️ For 5 weeks before prom I ate one piece of toast a day. Everyone raved about how good I looked. Especially my prom date later that night 😉

▶️ For more than a year, when I was 21, I survived on under 500 calories a day, with a full time job, full school load, and daily workouts. I counted every single thing to make it perfect. 📏

I never got more compliments on my body than that year. 👀

Let’s be real, no one gave two sh1ts if I was okay. 🫤

In my late 20s I ran out of steam to keep up the starvation. I would sometimes go through multiple drive throughs on the way home. Eating one in the car and coming home with the other. 🥤

You can imagine I was NOT getting the compliments anymore. NOW people “cared” about my “health” 🙄

This was my normal. My mentality around food was absolutely f11cked.

The work I have done to heal this has been astronomical. Its been almost 15 years of work.

This has affected the way I show up as a parent 💯

Food in our house is a very safe and shame free subject. ALWAYS.

We do not speak negatively about our bodies. We don’t compliment size or shape. Physical and mental health are the absolute priorities ✅

It IS still hard for me to walk around in a bigger body and not want to issue a disclaimer to everyone I meet that yes I’m fat but I promise this is really SO much better 😆

Even when I am very fit and “small for me” I’m usually sitting at around 200 lbs. It’s hard not to feel inferior sometimes when my best is someone’s before picture 🫠

I’m not letting that in my house though 🙅‍♀️ It’s not allowed near my daughter 🛑

In my house you will hear:

• No worries, there is always more food.

• You’re the only one who lives in your body, you’ll have to tell me when you’re full.

• It’s not going anywhere. It’ll be there when you want it.

• Sure, save it for later. No one will touch it.

• This isn’t the last time you’ll have (insert food), don’t stress.

• Sure, just eat it with some protein to make sure you still feel good. (Blood sugar)

• Just throw it away. It’s fine.

• I have more if you’re still hungry.

• Good job listening to your body, it appreciates that!

• You don’t have to finish the whole thing. It’s okay.

• Your body will let you know.

• Your belly needs to be happy this morning so your brain will work for school work.

• What did your body say?

• Now you know what too much is. No worries. It happens. Good learning for next time.

• Yes you can have (literally anything without dyes).

• That might not make you feel your best. What do you think?

• It’s your body. Eat what you want.

• What is your body asking you for?

• I trust you to decide that.

• I want you to eat on the way to group so you’re emotionally stable to manage whatever comes up.

• Let’s eat before it’s been too long to make our best choices. It’s so much harder to think straight when we are hungry!

• I know it’s annoying, but we have to eat. It’s required to be alive. Sorry being a human is so much work 😅 (We both find food to be a pain the ass sometimes lol)

• Nothing bad will happen if you make the wrong choice.

• Don’t worry you have about 2 jillion more meals before you die. Unless this is your last one, in which case it’s been great being your mom, thanks for a good run 🤣

Now I do have to mitigate the dopamine seeking ADHD behaviors because regulation and listening to our bodies is tricky.

That’s often as simple as keeping things like Halloween candy out of sight and keeping fresh fruit and veggies out and easy to grab.

The Autism also comes with some texture limitations and a lot of repetitive food choices, which is a whole other beast.

We do what we can.

I do celebrate still (with you online, not in my house) when I’m feeling really good in my body, making great choices, working out, and eating well.

I take supplements to support what my body NEEDS. Not to “diet” or “get skinny” or whatever.

Weight loss is usually a positive thing for me because it’s a result of positive habits and taking care of myself 🫶

In general though, food is just food 🤷‍♀️

I still carry a lot of the food stress. Even if it’s just how to speak or what to keep in the house. It’s a lot to undo. It’s a lot of intentional work.

I do hope I’m carrying it for both of us so she never has to 💓

That’s what I said to Dezzy a few days ago.

She knew I was about to implement something she didn’t want to do. 😂

Running behind every morning? 👀

We don’t say, “We’ll just be faster today.”

Instead we figure out what’s slowing us down. In Dezzy’s case, it’s walking around with a book in her hand while she’s trying to do everything halfway 😂

Okay... no book until you’re dressed. 🤷‍♀️ The habit is not being late, it’s the book 📖

You can imagine this went over well 😆

So where else does this work?

Sink full of dishes every day? 🍽️

It’s not because we leave them at night or we “don’t have time.”

It’s because we’re not washing them as soon as we’re done.

Which probably means we’re rushing from thing to thing and not leaving ourselves enough time. Or we’re distracted by the phone in our hand (that’s mine 😂).

So the habit becomes: Wash the dish immediately. Suppose that would be “put it in the dishwasher” for the dishwasher folks out there.

Unhappy with our weight? 😟

We don’t focus on the number.

We focus on the habits.

What’s the habit?

Is it not having a meal plan? Do we just have no energy to cook by the end of the day?

Are we overbooked? Are we giving everything to everyone else and leaving nothing for ourselves?

We don’t say, “I’m gonna not be fat.” 😂

We say, “No matter what, I’m making a meal plan.” 🥗 Or “I’m meal prepping dinners on Sunday” 🍝 or “we keep healthy snacks in the car” to make it home without stopping.

Credit card balance creeping up? 💳

We don’t just say, “I’ve gotta get out of debt.”

We ask what’s creating it.

Are we doing our budget? Are we buying things we don’t actually need? Do we not have a plan? Is it Amazon? 🤣 Do we need to take our credit cards off our phone? Are we shopping at night?

What’s the habit?

Getting behind on schoolwork? 📚

That doesn’t happen because we’re just “behind.”

It happens because we’re putting something off every day. Or we’re not carving out dedicated time. Or we’re saying, “I’ll do it later.” Or we get frustrated and quit. Or we don’t have an organizational system.

What’s the habit?

Going to bed too late? 🌙

It’s not, “I need to go to bed earlier.”

It’s, “I need to put my phone down at 7.” ... “I need to start my bedtime routine at the same time every night.” or maybe all the things we’re trying to squeeze in before bed need to happen earlier in the day.

Picking up our phone first thing in the morning is a habit.

Turning the TV on every night is a habit.

Defaulting to fast food is a habit.

Throwing the mail in a pile instead of opening it is a habit.

The circumstance is just the symptom.

The habit is the cause.

What’s the habit? 👀

Stop trying to change the outcome.

Change the thing that’s creating it. 🫶

I have always been a big phone screen time person. I joke I have a screentime of 27 hours a day. I think I was just ready to FOCUS. It had me curious. Just enough to make me pause and wonder what would happen if I removed it completely.

Not “cut back.” Not “be better about screen time.”

Just… not have it 🤷‍♀️

I had seen someone share a study showing brain scans after people went without their phones. It started with 24 hours, then 3 days, then 7 days. My brain skipped right past the ramp-up and went straight to the hardest version.

Seven days. No phone.

Looking back, that tracks, that’s my whole personality 😆

This was not about screens in general. I still worked at my desk almost every day. This was about focus. Priorities. Attention. It was about figuring out how much of what I do on my phone is actually necessary… and how much is just HABIT.

The Setup: Planning Like It’s 1998 📍

If I was going to do this, I had to be intentional. I knew that.

No last-minute checking my calendar. No map popping up when I needed it. No quick Google searches. No notes app to dump thoughts into.

I knew I’d need printed directions like some sort of pirate following a treasure map 🤣

I knew I’d need some kind of paper with me so I could write things down if I needed to remember something for later. I had to think ahead about where I was going, what I needed, and what I might forget.

It wasn’t as wild as I thought it would be, I just had to stop and think about the next day, or the next activity.

Day 1: The Habit Loop Shows Itself 👀

The first day wasn’t hard emotionally, but it was very obvious physically.

I kept reaching for my phone.

Reaching to check something.
Reaching to Google something.
Reaching during pauses.

It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t even a decision.

It was automatic.

That was my first real moment of awareness. This wasn’t just something I use. This was something my body expected to have.

That day ended up being productive because I got pulled into a project in Destiny’s room. Cleaning, rearranging, trying to fix the moisture issue in there. Normally I would have a show playing on my phone or be half-distracted the entire time.

Instead, I had music playing through the TV and just… did the task.

It felt different. Quieter. Slightly uncomfortable, but focused.

That night was another challenge.

Instead of sitting on my phone while she fell asleep, I picked up a book. A real one. I don’t read paper books. I always say I don’t have the attention span for it. The ADHD is REAL. I’m audio books all the way 💯

Seeing me reading, Destiny asked me to read to her, and we ended up talking, reading, and just being there together.

Extra cuddles. Extra connection. No distractions.

I fell asleep early because there was nothing pulling me to stay up. Kind of like going to bed early so you don’t snack haha!

Day 2: The Space Between Things

By the second day, I started noticing something else.

The empty spaces.

Standing in line. Sitting in the car. Waiting for something to start. Those tiny in-between moments that usually disappear into scrolling.

They didn’t disappear anymore.

At TJ Maxx, I stood in a long line and just… stood there. No distraction. No escape hatch. Just me and my thoughts. I didn’t love that. The ADHD mind was swirling.

It was uncomfortable at first.

Then it became interesting.

That day I also noticed something that surprised me.

I ate.

Not rushed. Not skipped. Not forgotten. I almost always look up and realize half my day is gone and I haven’t eaten.

This has caused me so many weight fluctuations and blood sugar issues. I didn’t “forget to eat” I was DISTRACTED.

I worked out in the morning, had a shake after, made breakfast for both of us, and sat down to eat with my daughter. No phone, just us.

That alone is a big deal for me.

Day 3: Productivity Without Pressure 🧠

By Wednesday, this started to feel like a system instead of a challenge.

Homeschool time looked different. Instead of sitting there feeling bored and reaching for my phone, I started doing small tasks nearby. Hanging clothes. Prepping embroidery. Reading a few pages of a book.

Things that normally pile up for later… just got done.

Dishes didn’t sit in the sink. Laundry didn’t sit in a chair. I wasn’t leaving little tasks for “later” because there was nothing pulling me away from doing them right then.

Later stopped existing.

That day had a lot of driving. Therapy, voice lessons, rehearsal. Normally that would mean a lot of waiting time spent on my phone.

Instead, I brought my laptop and worked when I could. I walked when I could. I took care of myself when I could.

It was intentional without feeling forced.

Day 4: The Hardest Moment 😅

Thursday was the first day I really felt the challenge.

Not during the busy parts. During the crash.

After a full week of being present, productive, and on the go, all I wanted to do that night was lay on my bed and check out.

Scroll. Watch something. Play a game. Disappear for a bit.

That option wasn’t there.

I could feel myself getting frustrated. Not at anything specific. Just that restless, antsy feeling of not having an easy escape.

So I paused.

Closed my eyes for a minute. Took a few breaths. Drank some ice water. Changed into comfortable clothes.

Then I re-engaged with my actual life instead of trying to escape it.

That was a big moment. It felt like when you quit drinking and you WANT to drink, but you make yourself do something else. The pull is there but you have to get through it.

The moment passed and I was fine.

Day 5–7: It Becomes a Lifestyle

By Friday, it felt normal.

We spent hours at the park with friends. That part has always been easy for me. Being present with people has never been the problem.

Saturday surprised me.

Dance class, an hour and a half, and it was raining when we got there. Normally I would sit there on my phone without even thinking about it.

Instead, I planned ahead.

I cleaned out my car. Got passport photos taken. Brought a book. Took care of errands I had been putting off.

I realized how much time I had been wasting in those exact moments every single week. How many activities, over how many years, was I on my phone?

Sunday morning, I caught myself wanting to just stay in bed and scroll. I wanted it SO badly. It felt like I “deserved” a treat, kind of like when you eat sugar after eating healthy all week as a reward lol! Why do we do that?!

Instead, I got up. I MADE myself. Even though I realized at some point, wait, this is actually DAY 8. Apparently without my phone I can’t count 🤣

Technically I COULD have my phone. I had accomplished the challenge.

But why would I want to? Why would I purposely start my day off poorly when I just experienced such a great week?

I didn’t let myself think about it too long.

Shoes on. Trash out. Laundry started. Bed made. Small tasks handled one by one.

By 9 a.m., everything was done.

I KNOW I would have been still scrolling at 9 a.m. if I had grabbed my phone. I would have been late on food, and the tasks would have all still been waiting for me.

What Actually Changed

Looking back at all 7, okay 8, days:

I got more done, even though it felt like I had to wait to do certain things.

I broke a lot of instant gratification habits. The constant “I want to look that up right now” or “I should buy that right now” disappeared. I spent less money. I made fewer impulsive decisions.

When I was at my desk, I worked. When I was with my daughter, I was with her. There was less overlap, less distraction, and less tension between the two.

I was more patient. I wasn’t getting frustrated at being interrupted because I wasn’t constantly preoccupied with a task.

That matters even more when you consider where I was in my cycle. Late luteal phase, just days before my period, and my mood was still steady. That is not typical for me.

I moved my body every single day.

I rebuilt a workout habit that had been gone for over a year.

I ate regularly. Real meals. I took the time to make food, sit down, and eat it. That alone has been a well known struggle for me.

I slept deeply. I didn’t need extra caffeine. I wasn’t chasing energy all day.

I took care of myself in ways that had slowly fallen off. I even got my Water flosser back in use. Small things that matter, but get pushed aside when everything feels rushed.

What I realized is this:

I am not actually short on time.

I am distracted.

When I remove the constant pull of my phone, I actually have enough time to do everything I need to do… even in a lower energy phase.

That was a hard truth and a really empowering one at the same time.

What I Missed

Pictures were the hardest part. 😭

I wanted to capture moments. My daughter. Food. The sky. The little things I usually share.

I missed casually catching up with friends on social. Seeing what people are doing in real time. That connection matters to me.

I am not anti-phone. I am not disappearing from the internet.

That is not the takeaway here. I love social media lol, so don’t worry about that.

What I’m Keeping Moving Forward ✨

I am going back to using my phone.

I also am not going back to using it the same way.

The plan is simple.

Use it with intention.

Post. Use maps. Track steps. Communicate when needed.

What I am not going back to is the anxious, repetitive checking. The constant reaching. The default of filling every empty moment with noise.

For now, my phone is staying in the drawer.

That part felt really good.

No worrying about battery. No constant notifications. No mental pull.

It is going to take more discipline without the structure of a challenge, but I have already seen what it gives me.

More presence. More peace. More clarity.

Turns out… I don’t NEED a phone.

I need intentionality, focus, and connection.

Maybe I can even put off my daughter’s inevitable requests for her own phone, if she sees that mine is not the main character.

Here’s to stretching ourselves and seeing what’s possible if we think outside the box 🫶

During WW2 the only reason regular citizens could justify, or accept, the treatment of the people being sent to concentration camps was because the government slowly taught everyone that they were “monsters”. The message was that every problem those citizens were facing wasn’t because of the people in charge, it was because of groups of people that needed to be eliminated. It’s easy to dehumanize people who you see as the villains. 💔

Think about the Salem Witch Trials, when fear and rumor condemned innocent women to death because they didn’t fit the mold. It was always their own fault they were burning, and never the people lighting the fire. 🔥

Or the Civil Rights era, when peaceful protesters were beaten and arrested while the systems that oppressed them were defended as “keeping order.” People found reasons for them to be the problem. Instead of finding the holes in the story, people picked apart the victims. We look back now and we are horrified at the thought of spraying people with fire hoses until their skin came off, but then it was just necessary force? 🤔

Think about how young Black men are still killed today because someone assumed they were armed or dangerous. When it comes out that they were innocent people pile on about how they acted, past crimes, or blaming them for anything they can to make it their own fault. The whole ‘They just should have ...’ or “well if they hadn’t...” bit that runs the gamut. 😔

What about how we judge unhoused people? We assume they did something to deserve to be out there, and that they must be doing something underhanded if they have a phone or clean clothes on.

People skip right over the massive number of people who simply aged out of the foster care system with nowhere to go, the veterans, or the housing crisis that is going on. People think they are scamming or stealing, just for having a phone without realizing it might be their only connection to safety, work, or family. 💕

Do I even need to mention all the women who are asked what they were wearing, how much they had to drink, or if they had been flirting earlier that night? I mean this one has been SO blatant our entire lives, it doesn’t even take any extra effort to make the tie in.

Over and over, we see people punished not for what they did, but for what others BELIEVED about them. The victim is treated like the villain, and the real harm is buried under narratives that make the powerful feel justified.

It keeps them OTHER. Separate from us.

That’s the ongoing lesson of Medusa’s curse. 💭

It’s what happens when we accept the version of the story we’re handed without questioning it. The victim usually pays the price and the injustice is on OUR hands.

When we let fear, gossip, politics, or even religion tell us who is worthy and who deserves our condemnation.

When we stop asking for the TRUTH because the “news” headline already told us how to feel. 👀

In our house, we talk a lot about what it means to think critically, and to think for ourselves. To read between the lines. To ask who wrote the story, and who might have been silenced in it. Who does it benefit to tell the version we are seeing?

The older I get, the more I realize that monsters they want us to blame are rarely the culprits. They are more often used as a scapegoat. Usually by the same systems that profit from keeping us divided, distracted, or afraid. 💯

So today’s social studies lesson really is: Before we decide who’s right or wrong, good or bad, guilty or innocent, maybe we stop and ask: What’s the WHOLE story? Who benefits from this version? And who’s being turned into a “monster” while we look the other way? 🫶

Every time we choose compassion over judgment, curiosity over certainty, and truth over convenience, we break a little bit of that curse. 🙌✨

Maybe the bigger questions are: What would it look like if we finally stopped turning people into monsters just because the system told us to? What if we believed victims without looking for justification of the horrors they experienced?

What does the world look like if we stop blaming the burning and turn our gaze to the person with the match? 🔥👉

I have had a mention of loving Taylor Swift in my dating app profiles from the start. Why?

Because men love to hate her and they tell on themselves quickly 👀

I’m not even that serious of a fan. I mean yeah I’ve been here since she was country, but I don’t follow all the easter eggs and I did not sell a kidney for Eras Tour tickets 🤣

I just like to lead with it because it shows me exactly who they are going to be if they have anything negative to say about it. It’s a fantastic litmus test for douchebaggery ✅

If they make it about her ruining football... *immediately blocked* 🚫

If they go out of their way to let me know she’s overrated... *immediately blocked* 🚫

If they need to mention that she is not “that pretty” or “not that talented”... *immediately blocked* 🚫

If they are “sick of seeing her everywhere”... *immediately blocked*.🚫

They don’t have to LIKE her music. Music preference is very personal and everyone gets their own opinion on that.

However, how they CHOOSE to behave is under their control.

They have the choice to say nothing.

They have the choice to ask questions about why I like her.

They have the choice to say that even if they don’t like her music they can respect the work she’s put in.

They don’t have to be over here making friendship bracelets and keeping up with her music lol, but how they choose to react to MY liking her says a lot 😳

Call it basic but I AM exactly “like other girls”, because women are incredible ✨

Don’t spend time with people who hate on the things you like.

No one who makes you feel bad, stupid, or inferior for something you love, should be anywhere near you. ESPECIALLY not a partner.

Those are terrible people for your mental health and you deserve better.

Maybe Taylor Swift isn’t your deal breaker but you probably have one. I would encourage you to know what it is and hold people to a minimum standard of support for the things that bring you joy.

That is the MINIMUM to have access to you 🫶🫶🫶

I actually kept forgetting my birthday was even coming and if Dezzy hadn’t kept reminding me about it I am not sure I would have remembered at all.

The last 5 years have changed my relationship with October 🫣

🗓️ October 2020 - My sister died during a worldwide pandemic while I was getting divorced.

🗓️ October 2022 - The most raging sadness and depression I’d seen in years. Crying every single day. Like I was processing the whole last 2 years at once.

🗓️ October 2023 - Dezzy broke her leg and was in a wheelchair & then cast for 16 weeks.

🗓️ October 2024 - The business I had for 15 years announced it was closing and my life was uprooted.

🗓️ October 2025 - My step dad died on the same date as my sister.

I’m wondering if we all stay very still and don’t make any noise, if we can make it through the rest of the month without anything else going wrong. Everyone be cool. Act natural 👀😅

With that said, as I start 44 I wanted to take some time to remind myself everything that was incredible about 43.

October may be historically hard but there are 11 more months in every year 👇👇👇

I started a new network marketing business ✨

I actually started many affiliate things too! 💻

I wrote a great hormone health guide (I’ll get it released any second now lol) 📘

I spoke on stage again for the first time in years! 🎤

I went camping in NorCal with incredible humans that I cherish 🏕️

I got a new car (by force but still lol) 🚗

I took over a homeschool meetup group and it’s thriving with hundreds of members 🏫

We went to France!!! 🇫🇷

I learned so much about hormones and glp-1 and perimenopause 🧬

I cleared up my skin for the first time since Dezzy was born 🌸

I got invited to a leadership retreat with the CEO of my company 👩‍💻

I started sleeping through the night again 😴

Dezzy is healthy 💖

My blood sugar went down down for the first time in 8 years. 🩺

I still live in a home that I LOVE and as of this month I also have a garage! 🏡

I’ve made so many new friends through the new businesses, and reconnected with some long time ones 🤝

We went to the North Pole 🎅

I quit dating thank God 😂🙅‍♀️

I rank advanced 5 times 🏅

I took Dezzy’s education to a whole new level this year 📚

My house was almost always clean and peaceful 🧹

Dezzy and I had so many hard talks and she’s grown up so much 💬

I’ve been able to pay the bills every month somehow. Still amazed at that every single month honestly 💸

I was asked to speak at a virtual conference 💻

My homeschool mom friends have stayed in touch through all the changes and travel 👩‍👩‍👧

I am sure I could keep going, because Tim O’Kelley always taught me that if you can think of 1, you can think of 3, and if you can think of 3, you can think of 100.

There’s always more good to find 💯

So, while 44 is tiptoeing in, looking around cautiously, with her guard up ... it’s very possible that she’ll be pleasantly surprised at how good life can be 🫶

Thank you in advance for all the birthday love. You all are AMAZING and my rock through it all 🥳

This is 44. Real life. #nofilter

Dezzy: *quietly* I’m not comfortable with you sending that to anyone.

Me: Oh! Shit! Sorry! I didn’t ASK you. Thank you for telling me.

Dezzy: Thanks for respecting my boundaries.

Been practicing this for 8 years and I love seeing it work in real time.

👉 Stopping when she says no to tickles, even when she’s having fun.

👉 Asking what I can post / what stories I can tell.

👉 Trusting her when she says she’s full or hungry.

👉 Letting her decide what clothes feel good on her body.

👉 Never making her give anyone a hug.

👉 Praising her for speaking up.

👉 Knocking on doors.

👉 Asking if she’s okay with things.

👉 Letting her decide when to pierce her ears.

👉 Leaving her hair how she wants it.

👉 Apologizing when I get it wrong.

👉 Letting her share when I’ve upset her.

👉 Asking if she talked to friends about her issues first, when she comes to “tattle”.

👉 Not following up her answers with “Are you sure?” constantly.

👉 Expressing boundaries of my own.

Day after day. Every time. Boundaries are allowed to be expressed and expected to be respected.

My girl is light years ahead of where I was at 30 and I love it for her.

If you’ve been around for any amount of time, you already know I never dreamt of being a mother. It's not a secret that parenthood was my ex's dream. The irony is not lost on me there. 🤦‍♀️

If you’re new here, this might surprise you, considering how much I post about motherhood now.

Something you may not know is that I also didn’t want to homeschool.

If you've been here at least 5 years, you watched that journey unfold, from 3 schools (and so many camps) to homeschool life.

My daughter has needs that weren’t being met in a school setting. Nobody seemed to be able to "handle her".

The reality was that the world is not set up for her and it was taking a huge toll on both of us. I couldn't do it anymore and when I saw that this could be a better way I took the leap.

Do I sometimes still wish it had worked out differently and we fit the mold? Absolutely.

Do I wish it was all easier? Yes I do.

So what does this have to do with YOU?

*Storytime & Lesson incoming* 😅👇

My friend Creslyn asked a question in our group this week: “What’s your why for homeschooling?”

As she was sharing these beautiful reasons I was like .... Ehhhhh 😬

My answer was different so I didn't share it. My why is simply: I have to. Which didn't feel very positive.

It also didn't seem to align considering how positively I do speak about our experiences here 🤔

That got me thinking for a couple days. What was the disconnect?

How can I so loudly tout all the benefits of homeschooling, but yet when I'm asked my why I have nothing positive to say?

Then I got it: I think sometimes we confuse our MOTIVATION with the BENEFITS.

The WHY with the RESULTS. They are so close to being the same thing. The difference is subtle though, stay with me 👇👇👇

The motivation for something might initially sound like "to lose weight" or "to get out of debt" or "to travel" or "to have more time together " but if you look at it those are actually results.

Those are the things you GET.

But what's the actual REASON?

Sometimes you get really great stuff, wonderful results, but your motivation is negative.

I mean I lost 110 pounds because an ex couldn't get past my weight gain and left for a "skinny girl" 👀

So what's the problem with that?

I only focus on that negative why, I can miss the really incredible benefits. I can miss really experiencing the good and being present for what's going on.

It is easy for me to lament the life I wish I had if I am not careful. I can get frustrated that I feel alone in parenting.

I can get resentful that my time goes to homeschooling instead of my career.

I can get sad about the sacrifices that motherhood has required from me.

If I spend my time in those spaces it's the same as focusing on that ex and his 21-year-old girlfriend. Yeah it may make me hit the gym a little harder but it's not good for me 😅

It is much better to stop and acknowledge all of the good 🙌

Destiny is having an incredible life because of our homeschooling Journey. Much like there were many benefits to me losing that hundred pounds 😉

She never has to wake up too early. 💕

We can go over a subject as many times as she needs. 💕

I can make learning fun in ways that stick for life. 💕

She can work ahead at her pace and not be bored 💕

We can learn in real-world settings.💕

I get to invest in the right friendships for her.💕

I can keep her safe in a world where many schools are not.💕

I get to choose the best instructors for her passions. 💕

We can stop and manage emotions or regulate our nervous systems when we need to.💕

She can eat and go to the bathroom whenever she needs to 💕

She studies whatever she's interested in 💕

...and yes, all of those benefits are hers, but I have to remind myself I get things too.

I get to know my daughter in ways I never would have if she were gone 8 hours a day. ✨

I get to see the lightbulb moments, the breakthroughs, the silly tangents that turn into real lessons. ✨

I get hugs in the middle of the day, talks over lunch, and daytime adventures. ✨

I get a front-row seat to her becoming who she’s meant to be.✨

I’ve also learned that I am so capable and intelligent. I really can figure out anything. ✨

It has helped me rest more and appreciate what's important. ✨

It's shown me that I can hold space for her and for myself. ✨

I've learned that being off plan isn't the end of the world and my ability to be flexible and pivot has increased exponentially. ✨

I am more curious and I am also learning new things all the time. ✨

I do believe it heals a part the child in me that nobody took care of. The “problem” in class and the one dying for approval ✨

It's my journey too. Even if I want to push back sometimes.

If I spent too much time focusing on the life I don’t get to live, it would ruin the life I DO get. It would tarnish everything amazing we actually have 💯

That’s the bigger lesson 👇

Every one of us has areas of life that don’t look like what we wanted.

Divorce, health struggles, financial stress, careers that shifted, responsibilities we never signed up for.

It’s easy to mourn the life we thought we’d be living, and it's okay to get a little pissed off once in awhile or cry about it if you need to. It's valid.

If we stay there though, we run the risk of missing the gifts in the life we are living.

So, as my friend Tyler would say: I don't HAVE to, I GET to 🫶

Turns out the life you didn’t WANT might be holding the gifts you NEED 💕

Instead of jumping in with “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful” (which, honestly, I’ve never loved. Why do we treat those two things like they can’t exist together?), I got curious. I asked “can you say more about that?” which is my go-to when I am internally panicking haha.

I find that curiosity is usually best in any parenting situation. She doesn’t need 40+ years of my baggage and trauma running the show. It’s not about me.

She was chatting and I asked her if it was good, bad, or just an observation. She shared that in many books and movies they are mean to the fat people.

Ahhhh. I got it. I mean, she wasn’t wrong, but there was a lot we could talk about here. I was super grateful in that moment that I asked questions instead of jumping in to “solve” a problem.

We talked about how in books and movies, especially older ones (I’m looking at you early 2000s), larger bodies are often the joke or the “before” picture… and how that sticks in people’s minds whether they realize it or not. She’s been watching some older “Tween” shows lately, so she’s seeing that more.

From there the conversation actually took a really cool turn. We wandered into history. Ancient Greece, where fuller bodies were actually the ideal. Artists added intentional softness to women’s figures in sculptures to show that they were healthy, had access to food, could have children, and lived in abundance. It wasn’t just aesthetics; it was a cultural signal.

Then we hopped forward to other time periods and saw how the “ideal” body type kept shifting. We talked about how tuberculosis and corsets influenced a preference for thinness and paleness… because illness was, strangely, glamorized in certain eras.

We explored how the Great Depression made rounder bodies a sign of wealth and stability after everyone was so destitute for so long… and how postwar pin-up styles brought back an appreciation for curves.

What was the point? Body ideals aren’t random. They respond to what’s happening in the world. Famine, prosperity, illness, industry… all of it shows up in fashion and media. Politics, religion, who is in power, and more. It ALL plays a part.

I shared with her that my personal favorite body type (FOR MYSELF) is curvy and and sort of “pin up vintage” style. I like my hourglass shape. We get to decide what we like about ourselves and we can pick a fashion style that suits us. One that makes US smile. Each and every body is beautiful.

I showed her some of my favorite styles and she LOVED them. We pulled up pictures, looked through her fashion sketchbooks, and talked about how designs change depending on the body shapes they’re made for. She is currently obsessed with fashion design anyway, so looking at clothing from the 20s, 50s, and even Ancient Greece, really excited her.

It also drove home that things change based on so many external factors. We chatted about what is in now, versus what might be in 20 years from now when she is an adult woman. She may like her body to look one way or another.

From a health standpoint I did tell her that if she ever doesn’t feel comfortable with how her body is, some things are influenced by our choices, and we can take some control of it.

We don’t need to focus too much but if we ever find that we aren’t feeling our best we can look at our habits like sleep, water, stress, movement, food,and hormones. If we see something we can change, we are in charge of those choices and the power is ours. Only if WE want to.

Then came the best part: She asked if we could learn more! She wanted to find books on the history of fashion, learn how to draw different body types so she could design for them, and start a whole new section in her sketchbook dedicated to vintage clothing. We found some amazing resources (and a few that will take 100 years to ship from Amazon… so we’re on the hunt for library copies instead lol).

Thinking about it this morning (as I am 27 tabs deep on fashion and entertainment history resources) I am reminded that this is why I love homeschooling. I don’t have to rush her through moments like this.

We can stop, pull the thread, and see where it leads. I can give her the “why” behind the things she’s noticing about herself and the world, instead of just tossing out an empty reassuring line and moving on with our day.

What started as a single comment in the mirror turned into a night of history, culture, body image, art, and self-awareness. She went from critiquing her stomach to learning that body ideals have shifted for thousands of years… and that no single body type holds the title of “best.” We get to decide what WE like and clothing can be so fun!

The lesson wasn’t “don’t feel that way” or “you’re perfect as you are.” It was: Here’s where those ideas come from, here’s how they’ve changed over time, and here’s how you can choose what feels beautiful to you without letting the world decide for you.

And honestly, that’s the kind of history class I wish I had when I was her age 💯💯💯

Here is to raising confident daughters and the leaders of the next generation. Maybe even the future influencers of fashion.

I am pretty sure I know why.

She told me last night she was nervous because everyone at camp about the audition and how great it went.

Not getting a callback makes that a little hard to face. 😬

It's unnerving to face people when we fall short on our goals. I have grown adults in my Wellness Group who won't even tell their own spouse that they're working on getting healthy.

People in their 50s who won't tell their co-workers not to offer them donuts because they want to feel their best.

People not telling friends, family or even me sometimes, about what they want to accomplish. What they are working toward.

I am guilty of it too.

Not wanting to put my dreams out there in case I fall short in front of all of you so publicly.

Things are a little tender today. I get it. 🥺

I also know that the more people that know about your goals the more likely you are to reach them.

The louder you are about your commitments, the more accountability you create for yourself.

When you tell the right people about what you want, they will help you get there.

Telling everybody was the right call 💯

The right people also won't hold it against you when you fall short, because frankly you're doing better than everybody out there who's not even trying. Your true people will be proud of you 🙌

I would rather any one of you put yourself out there and fall flat on your face, then sit in fear and never do anything.

Failure while trying is significantly better than failure while hiding.

You may have to take your teddy bear to camp for a couple of days to get past it, but you'll get the chance to go for it again and it will be worth it.

We aren't living scared y'all. Life is way too short

Sitting with them and NOT:

Trying to fix it 🔧

Filling the silence 🗣️

Turning it into a lesson immediately 🗒️

Minimizing the significance 🤏

Attempting to distract 🤡

Leaving them alone 😞

Telling them to be positive 👍

Offering ice cream 🍦😅 👀

Just letting them be sad and being there IS the role. That's love.

Sitting with your children's feelings, when you are barely able to sit with your own most of the time, is a feat unto itself.

These are the moments I have to actively stop myself from buying, baking or teaching. I have to just shut up and remember what my job is.

Just BE.

People are allowed to simply sit in their emotions. It's okay to FEEL.

When we don't leave room for it, we're sending the message that it's not okay. When we jump into distraction or dismissal, we send the message but there's no room for it here.

Decades of distracting myself with food, shopping, alcohol, or being overly busy put me in so many bad situations.

I wanted to avoid the hard emotions but I created more damage in my life by running from it.

Creating space for all of the emotions will hopefully save the next generation from our toxic coping tactics.

It's not my job to help her "feel better". It's my job to make it safe for her to feel 💕

Her late night worries. Her early morning resolve.

The shower she meant to get to all day. The tears she held back even longer.

The dishes or packed lunches that were magically taken care of.

Picking up. Folding. List making. Researching.

Her love life, if she had anything left by then.

Glasses of wine. The TV show you weren't allowed to watch. The ice cream she said you didn't have.

Wondering if she was doing anything right. The guilt.

Her skin care routine.

Books.

Music only she loved.

You were her whole world no matter the time, but for just a little while she lived her life without you.

You won't know until your own children are sleeping. Then you'll know that your mother lived a life you knew nothing about 💕

After we talked about how much she wanted to spend time with me I spent that night looking at all the cool things we could go do together.

The next morning when I asked her what she had had in mind she simply asked "Can we do puzzles like we used to? All day?" 🥹

Kids are so simple.

She didn't need to be in every summer camp we could find so she could be around more kids.

She didn't need me to panic and take her somewhere "fun" when she said she missed me.

I didn't need to buy her anything.

She just needed me to LISTEN.

She wanted ME 💕

I ended up cancelling her last summer camp for the year. She still has theater because that's her passion, but everything else was just filler anyway 🤷‍♀️

So much of life is. Just filler. For what?

There are only so many years that my daughter will want me above everything else. I'm not going to miss them 🫶

If you have a chance today maybe get down on the floor with yours today and just be there.

It's possible YOU need it as much as they do 💓

Is anyone else a bedroom kid raising living room kids?

I'm guessing that if you are on the same healing journey, and breaking generational lines, you might be.

If you don't know about these terms it's pretty simple:

"The "living room kid" and "bedroom kid" distinction refers to where children primarily spend their time at home. Living room kids tend to prefer the shared spaces like the living room, while bedroom kids prefer the privacy of their rooms."

My realization was that I keep doing things to make Dezzy's room a better place to hang out because *I* was a bedroom kid.

My room was EVERYTHING.

It was the only space that was almost mine.

My bedroom was the only place where I was almost allowed to be myself. Like the only place in the world, not just my home.

I was allowed to decorate and I could hide in there. I didn't have to be anyone on there. I was less on edge.

Some of my favorite times in my room were in the dark after everyone else was asleep. Those are STILL my favorite hours of the day.

No one's going to bust in and yell at me or ask me to do something. I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not in trouble. No expectations.

The reason Destiny doesn't really have rules in her room is because I was a bedroom kid 💯

The reason I knock on her door is because I was a bedroom kid.

I don't put her clothes away, I do not rearrange, I do not get rid of things, I do not touch her room without her, because I was a bedroom kid.

I tried to make her room sacred because that's where I escaped.

Destiny however is a living room kid through and through. She always has been.

She's not escaping. She feels safe everywhere.

As a matter of fact I think I'm still escaping into my bedroom from her 🤣

Sometimes when she's watching TV, or doing something on the living room floor, I will awkwardly stand there and ask her "so, uh, do you want me to like sit in here or something?" 😂 I know I should stay but my bedroom is default.

She doesn't hang out in her room because she's not hiding. She's comfortable in shared spaces.

It's wild to think she doesn't know about that bedroom life.

Even when she plays with her dolls the door is wide open and they are playing from her room to the kitchen.

She reads in the living room. She plays in the living room. Even when she has friends over they bring all stuff from her room out to the rest of the house 😆

I'm making it my personal goal to keep the whole house a safe space for her so she stays a living room kid as she gets older.

I want her safe around me, comfortable to be perceived, and happy to live authentically in our home.

Bedroom kids raising living room kids y'all. We're doing it 🫶