Our natural responses when faced with a threat

Each, before, I have done, when crisis has come

To then find myself dealing with feelings of regret

When I get hurt, I struggle not to feel guilt

I relive events as my thoughts weigh on me

Hindsight is 20/20 and I feel myself

Pierced by its sharp, crystalline clarity

Did I bring this upon myself by fighting?

Did I choose flight when I should have stayed still?

Did I freeze as fear closed its cold grip on my heart

Did I fawn and give false impression of my will?

We don’t give ourselves credit, not nearly enough

For surviving the moments which harm us greatly

Once we’ve made it through, it’s cruel and it’s easy

To tell ourselves we survived “imperfectly”

When the only thing that matters is that you survived

That you kept yourself here is extraordinary

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, all that was then

Forgive is the word that now matters to me

Forgiveness for charging ourselves with our suffering

When bad things happen that are outside our control

We cannot fast track the process of our healing

But self-reproach is something we can let go

When you feel the response you had wasn’t “correct”

It’s easy to punish yourself, to forget

That the reason you had to react in the first place

Is that you were subjected, unjustly, to threat

The existence of jeopardy is not of our doing

A reaction to it rarely formed on our terms

We do the best we can with the options we have

To make it through the danger without things getting worse

To punish yourself for being hurt is to suffer twice

It’s not worth the time from your one precious life

I think the world of you for making it through

However you did it - you are living, despite

Right now, I have a playlist of saved videos on TikTok called ‘Cat!’. It is, as you may guess, full of cat videos. I promise you, if you told me two years ago that I would have such a playlist I’d have told you that somebody must have stolen my phone. It’s not that I wasn’t a cat person per se - I grew up without pets of any kind and without any close friends who had one, so I wasn’t used to them is all.

That changed a couple of years ago when my ex-partner and I took care of her friend’s cat for several months whilst said friend was living out of the country. My indifference to the little furry fellow and his aloof independence created a surprising mutual respect between us. We ended up getting along very well. I was rather fascinated by him, and he used to curl up on my lap as I watched football. It was really comforting. I am a loving person, so I knew that if I ever lived with a pet I wouldn’t be able to help but love it, but that experience truly surprised and changed me.

(I have thought about getting a cat of my own but as this year has been my first alone in a long while and I have been travelling and touring my book, I'm letting that thought marinate for a while. There’s no rush.)

I love watching cat videos because cats are very cute to me now, so anything involving a very cute cat makes me quite emotional. I so enjoy the love that cats bring out in their owners. There is a great deal of affection bestowed upon these haughty creatures and when it really matters, they truly do return that affection. I saw a video this week about a cat that sat in the shower with its owner as she dealt with grief, something it had never done before and never did again once she felt better. How special is that? Of course I cried!

I’ve made a concerted effort this year to make sure I am creating space for my sadness and hurt to come to the surface, to move through it with acceptance. We all have things that make us feel emotional and I seek those things out intentionally when I feel I need to. It reminds me of one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite shows, Succession - ‘You schedule your grief?’

Sometimes, yes!

If I notice that I’ve been feeling heavy but can’t quite put my finger on why, my first port of call is to journal. Even if I don’t identify exactly why, that helps to shake things loose. Currentlu, I’ll go to my ‘Cat!’ playlist as a means of emotional prodding. I think it’s important to know what moves us and to use those things as a healthy means of coaxing forth our tears when they feel blocked, as mine often do.

There’s a lot of catharsis in a good cry. If you want to know more about the other things that make me cry precious tears, let me know and I’ll write about those, too!

P

Early morning, on the way for a coffee

Still yawning, my eyes hardly seeing things properly

My spirit awakened, my face had to smile

At the prettiest dahlia I’ve seen in a while

I caught it at its perfect point of blossom

A photo was a must, it could not be forgotten!

It’s been a tough summer to be a flower in the UK, with the searing heat that has been a feature of these last months. Even without that context, a dahlia this beautifully formed is enough to make a whole day for me, and that it did! Dahlias are perennial plants, meaning they return year on year. Knowing I can rely on that to happen makes me love them even more.

In other news:

Never Too Old for a Story Well Told!

Any book I used to read

In childhood or as a young teen

Will always be special to me

Whenever I revisit

Alone on a Wide Wide Sea

Is one such book, and I believe

It moved me even more deeply

As I, in adulthood, relived it

Every month I (try to) read at least one fiction book, one non-fiction book and one book I read or would have read as a child. I have revisited the work of Michael Morpurgo on more than one occasion as he was one of my favourite authors growing up, and I have found that his books have aged wonderfully from those I have read again. I found a copy of Alone on a Wide Wide Sea which was one of my most beloved books of his, and the story remains as beautiful as ever.

And finally…

A Journey’s Worth of Delicious Dessert!

Cheesecake, cheesecake, cheesecake sweet

Soft on top, a joy to eat

Your texture smooth and biscuit base

Puts one big smile on this man’s face!

A wedding between two dear friends is taking place very soon, and it happens to be taking place in a city where I have close family. Naturally, that provided the perfect excuse to leave London early and stay with them awhile! This was a great decision for many reasons - not least because my cousin has recently developed an interest in baking and made us this delicious white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake. Always encourage your loved ones to do the things they enjoy, that’s what I say!

Going into this week:

September begins soon! A lifetime of school-year conditioning means I always feel that things begin to pick up pace anew around this time, as well as the summer coming to an end soon. I do feel ready for yet another new phase of the year. I hope it is as kind to me as it will be busy.

I’ve been thinking about Dolly Parton

As I know so many of us have

When someone leaves happiness wherever they go

Their departure is immeasurably sad

The flowers we give her in honour of her life

Will bloom in perpetual splendour

With a heart that shone brighter than her numerous accolades

She will only be treasured forever

She seemed to hold endless humility

Her actions were communal and caring

Any good that was to come her way

She would multiply so she could share it

In the millions of books she gifted worldwide

The foundations she would fund and create

In her humour, her sparkle, her advocacy

Money was somehow the least of what she gave

She refused to shrink herself smaller

She wore true confidence in herself

It was clear in the way that she took every chance

To amplify and uplift someone else

In all of the people that we celebrate

The icons that we dearly love

The things that make them the people we admire

Exist, also, in all of us

As people we learn from each other

From our first to our very last days

Which is why we must be thankful and emulate those

Who set an example with their ways

So thank you, Miss Dolly, for everything.

If we follow your lead as we go

This world will be better in every way

As we are, thanks to your lovely soul

With each moment of its existence, my body is working in my best interests. It makes my jaw yawn, my eyelids heavy and my stomach rumble so I know I need to rest and to eat. When there have been viruses in my system, it has coated my nose with mucus and increased my internal temperature so I can expel what does not belong. It has strengthened muscles and directed energy to the places that have been most in need of reinforcement according to my most common movements. It sends burning lactic acid to energise in compensation for lack of oxygen.

When I have been seriously ill, the symptoms that have scared and upset me were calls to attention, opportunities for me to provide what I needed for recovery. When I have broken my bones, it has fused them together second by second over months to reconstruct and restore them. When my skin has been broken, it has created scar tissue and knitted me back together so I am protected again. There is nothing my body does that is not an interpretation of what I need.

I return to this principle so I can continue to give back to a vessel that is so giving to me: my body does what I need, so I will do what it needs. I will nourish it, move it, speak gratitude and strength over it. I will speak appreciative words to it even when I don’t feel them, knowing that does not take away from their truth. And when I struggle to sleep, as I have in recent months, I soothe myself by breathing deeply and telling myself that my body will take the rest it needs, if only I trust it and give it the chance to night after night. I have recovered from every hurt, perhaps functioning differently but functioning still in the way I must to keep surviving, to continue existing. My body does this for me, every day, in many ways I notice and even more I do not.

How could I treat a body that would do so much for me with anything but compassion? Why would I pick apart the things that make me feel insecure, if I truly held these truths at the centre of my self-perception? I wouldn’t, so I must hold them centrally, hold them dearly. Though it is truly a difficult task, given the volume of the external and sometimes internal criticism, I will return to affection whenever I find myself becoming caught in a spiral of self-deprecation. My body loves me so very much and, even when I don’t treat it with kindness, works in my favour every second I am alive. I will choose to love it back every day.

Greatly Tickled by Different Pickles!

When I think of pickled eggs

Well, actually - I don’t

That is not the case anymore

My interest has suddenly grown!

Behind the counter of a pub

Sat several different kinds

I didn’t have one that afternoon

But one day soon, I might!

I don’t know why it never occurred to me that people pickled eggs in different flavours! That is the thought I had as I looked at the specimens in sizeable jars behind a pub counter. I raised the subject to the friends I was with and was overheard by the barman; he then treated us to the story of a man who sampled the scotch bonnet pickled eggs, asked to eat a scotch bonnet pepper itself from the jar and finished his snack with the grave error of rubbing his eyes. Needless to say, when my time to try them comes I will do it with a great deal more care!

In other news:

Tiny Purple Sparks in a Patch of Plants!

Purple bright and plentiful

Poking through the grass

The little flowers that clung on

Have had some rain at last

Thank you for your staying power

I could stay with you for hours!

Though we have mercifully had some rain this week (more will be welcomed), it has been very dry of late. The grass and flowers are feeling it, though the hardiest have still made their presence known. The purple flowers pictured were spread across the entirety of an overgrown patch, and I love when flowers find space in amongst unchecked growth. There is always a place to flourish!

And finally…

The Joyous Feeling of Seeing Patterns on the Ceiling!

Geometry, swirls or popcorn

I’m really not too fussed

When there’s a pattern on a ceiling

It’s something that I love!

It makes me feel at home

Like I’m in a living space

And in somewhere that’s homely

I can surely find my place

Patterned ceilings always remind me of my grandma’s house in Ghana and the house I grew up in. When I look at a ceiling and see a home-style pattern, especially somewhere I wouldn’t expect it (this one was in a small restaurant), I immediately feel relaxed and homely. Looking up, quite literally, is something I tend to do often to give me a sense of presence and remind me where I am. When I feel at home in that place, the practise becomes even better!

Going into this week:

August seems to have sped by in the blink of an eye! Entering its last full week, I am grateful to myself for making it through what could have been a much tougher month had I not managed to keep the promises I made myself. Another week of the same and I will be most pleased indeed!

It has been, for me, a rejection heavy year

Which only means I’ve consistently faced up to things I fear

Rejection is redirection, we’ve all heard it before

But I know now that success can mean being rejected more

An error that I made, in my youthful naïveté

Was thinking that if I succeeded, I would finally reach a place

Where I never need to hear “no” again, what I’d done would serve as proof

I caught on quite fast that this could not be further from the truth

That’s not even to say I am particularly successful by the way

It’s just that as some things have, not much else has really changed

There is always another room where you have to prove you’re good

And there’s always another place where your vision will be misunderstood

That’s not bad news; something much more valuable has found its way to me

The knowledge that failure is simply data, not identity

Every time I hear a no, or I find myself rejected

It is not because I’m not good enough or my ideas aren’t respected

In fact, it is expected that I will hear “no” a lot

I have a huge desire to make the most of what I’ve got

And as I keep having ideas and trying to make different things happen

I have to prove myself to new people, that is the recurring pattern

There will always be somebody who doesn’t quite believe in me

That makes the ones who do precious, and I hold them gratefully

There’s always going to be a dip, a bump that’s in the road

Which only brings more relief and peace when I finally make it home

I can be someone who tries to bring their dreams into the light

I can be someone who never gets rejected in their life

But I cannot be both, and I do not want to be

Like shoes, we’re not created for our souls to stay pristine

I know that there is more awaiting in this life for me

So reject me please, and push me closer to where I need to be

A Little Pretzel for Free, Lucky Me!

Next to my coffee, as I chose to drink in

A little pretzel was placed

Unexpected addition to my caffeine mission

It brought such a smile to my face!

…

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A Delicious Dinner Outside by the River!

A bowl full of goodness

A friend by my side

There is no better way

To spend dinnertime!

Add to that, al fresco

A balmy summers eve

This is salve to…

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A Lantern of Glass Winked as I Walked Past

In the evening light, a lantern hung

From a bush next to a path

It glinted in my periphery

And glowed when I looked at last

Whoever placed it t…

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I was adjusting a photo frame on my wall

Not a big one at all, only something quite small

When my hand slipped and it fell down, flat on its face

The crack I heard held me there, frozen in place

The only…

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Flowers from Afar, and the People Walking Past

Exiting the train station

From a vantage point up high

I could see over walls

I’d have missed it otherwise

A painting of some flowers

An une…

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Something I find rather special between friends

That we’ve known a long time, or just know very well

Is how when a friend tells us big news or information

We realise part of us has been able to tell

It’s…

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Clips that Free my Forehead to Breathe!

I clip my hair back from my face

On walks, at work and on the train

To let my forehead and neck breathe

In the scorching summer heat

It makes me l…

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My life ended as I knew it

A few months ago, as we speak

It wasn’t the most important thing in the world

But was a big change for me

I spent six years with a good person

Who I thought I would be with for …

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A Beautiful Room and a Smile on a Spoon!

The best thing by far about my book events is meeting readers. I may be biased but I believe that readers tend to be the kindest and most emp…

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Enjoying Well in Every Hotel!

When I stay in a hotel

I feel so very fancy!

I know some people don’t enjoy it

And feel rather antsy

I feel like a real adult

A proper VIP

How else is one mea…

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This is a day of great celebration!

I had my own wishes, but could not have predicted

The direction this journey has taken!

Firstly, my hair has grown …

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