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Master every area of your life.
Inside Club 12 with Dean Bokhari

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This past month of August inside Club 12, we covered Personal Development Pillar #8: Leadership & Creativity.

Leadership is about your ability to guide, inspire, and influence people. You could be the leader of a company, industry, family, business, team - the list goes on and on.

My definition of leadership is to communicate to another person their potential and value with so much clarity that they’re inspired to see it in themselves.

Being an extraordinary leader has less to do with how many people follow you, and more to do with how many people you empower to become leaders themselves.

For example:

• I don’t want to remind my children to do their chores every day, so I inspire them to want to do it themselves—because it’s their house too.

• I don’t want my staff calling and texting and emailing me over every little thing, so I empower them and give them the autonomy to make certain decisions on their own.

• I don’t want to just motivate you for a little while or give you a bunch of random life hacks… So I work hard inspire you to demand more out of yourself. To become a self-directed leader of your own life. To take action. To become the best version of yourself.

I don’t want to give you the fish, I want to teach you how to fish in this pond called life.

Get what I mean?

Average leaders command and control. Good leaders direct and delegate. But extraordinary leaders build more leaders: they educate, empower, and coach others.

Now, for the creativity part of Leadership + Creativity…

Creativity is about using your imagination to bring something novel and valuable into the world. This could be a physical or digital product, a perspective, an idea, a drawing, a book, a patent - anything.

Here’s author Twyla Tharp on creativity:

Creativity is not just for artists. It’s for businesspeople looking for a new way to close a sale; it’s for engineers trying to solve a problem; it’s for parents who want their children to see the world in more than one way.

Love that.

All this past month, we covered what it takes to lead and create with excellence.

Here’s everything we covered in August

See below for links to everything we covered inside Club 12 during Leadership + Creativity month.

Weeks 1-2
The Lead Like You Give a Damn series

We kicked off the month with Lead Like You Give a Damn, a 4-part series on becoming an effective leader at home, at work, and everywhere in between.

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Weeks 3-4
A live workshop on how to come up with your best ideas, a new masterclass, and a summary of one of my favorite leadership books

Live Training: How to Become an Idea Machine

In this live training workshop, I shared several simple actions and habits you can put in place to uncover your most powerful (and profitable) ideas. ONE idea can transform your completely. Watch this workshop to find out how.

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Masterclass: How to Become a Creative Genius

To close-out the month, I created a masterclass for you called, How to Become a Creative Genius.

Book Summary: Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek

In addition to the masterclass, I also posted a summary for you on one of my favorite leadership books, Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek. This was originally published with another one of my businesses, called FlashBooks—I unlocked it and crossposted it for you here inside Club 12:

FlashBooks

Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together and Others Don’t by Simon Sinek

Leaders Eat Last…

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8 days ago · 63 likes · FlashBooks

💡 FlashBooks is now on Substack.

If you’re into Self-Help + Business books, but don’t have time to read them, FlashBooks is right up your alley.

All our summaries are written by actual human copywriters, not robots. And I personally narrate every audiobook.

It’s also very reasonably priced right now, because we just launched:

Join FlashBooks on Substack

Additional Club 12 resources on Leadership + Creativity

Many of you don’t realize just how many resources you have at your disposal inside Club 12. The Masterclass Library alone has enough research-backed training content to help you become a force of nature in every area of your life.

So, moving forward, I’ll include a section at the end of every monthly recap with additional resources to support our monthly pillar of personal growth:

Master every area of your life.
Join Club 12

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Here’s what we’re covering in September

This month inside Club 12, we’re focusing on the 9th Pillar of Personal Development, which is: Purpose + Spiritual Success.

We’ll look at this pillar from two angles:

1. Professional Purpose. Your professional purpose is the cause, the reason, the why behind what you do at work each day. It involves connecting your values and skills in a way that allows you to be fulfilled, engaged, and inspired when you wake up and go to work each day. Here are two big things I plan on covering about purpose:

   • What it means to be “driven by purpose” at work or in business

   • How to uncover your own purpose

2. Spiritual Success. This is a far deeper topic, and spirituality means different things to different people. There are people who are spiritual but not religious. There are people who are all-in on a specific religion. There are folks who like to mix spirituality with religion. Agnostics. People who don’t believe in anything, or feel confused about what to believe in, or are completely devoid of spirituality or religion altogether. Spirituality is a heavy topic, especially when we start talking about religion. Two things I plan to cover about Spiritual Success:

   • A broad framework for Spiritual Success that you can use and benefit from regardless of what your religious beliefs are. If you feel a spiritual void in your life, this is for you.

   • I’ll also share my own spiritual journey with you (for those of you who are curious: I’m a practicing Muslim.)

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Club 12 members, keep an eye on the agenda page—which will be updated with details about this month’s live training workshop, series, and masterclass.

Get ready for an incredible month ahead.

Be your best,
Dean Bokhari
Founder, Club 12

Quick note about our training modalities:

• Live Training Workshops (held at the start of each month) are designed to give you a solid overview of our monthly pillar of personal development (Jan: Goals, Feb: Relationships, March: Habits).

• Monthly Challenges are designed to help you implement our pillar of the month.

• Masterclasses (on-demand courses) are designed to help you master the monthly pillar. If you want to go deep, these are for you.

Yes—I love using emdashes. But I don’t use AI to write, so please excuse any errors—I’m human just like you.

That’s an example of someone who’s just identified with their mistake…

But what if, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid” they said, “I just did something stupid”?

Yah see, there’s a big difference between those two statements.

• The first statement identifies you with your mistake. This means you and your mistake are one.

• The second statement makes a clear separation between you and your mistake. This means that YOU are not stupid, but that you simply did something stupid.

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1. An inability to say “No” to the motivation killers in your life.

As a rule of thumb, you should avoid saying yes to most things unless they’re connected to your most important goals. If you’re afraid of saying no to someone because it might hurt their feelings, come up with a way to say it that you’re comfortable with.

Here’s Seth Godin on saying No:

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The majority of people looking for motivation will wait for something, or someone, to come around and motivate them before they can get up and take action to motivate themselves.

This is the wrong approach.

I operated with this “motivation comes before action” mentality for years before finally realizing that I had it all backward…

I would look for ways to get motivated to exercise, to get up early, or to stop procrastinating and do my work…

And I’d be motivated about doing these things for a little while, but shortly thereafter, the motivation would fade and I’d stop taking action.

Then I realized that the lifespan of motivation is, in a weird way, very similar to personal hygiene:

• You brush your teeth and your mouth feels fresh—until you eat a meal and need to brush again.

• You put on fresh clothes that make you look and feel sharp—until you drop ketchup on your bright white shirt.

• You wake up and take a shower every day to be clean and presentable—until the next day when you need to do it again.

Just like taking care of your personal hygiene is an important part of your daily routine, I want to suggest that taking care of your motivation each day is as well.

Enjoying this installment of Month of Motivation? Unlock all 30 parts of this program—along with everything else inside Club 12—when you upgrade to Premium today:

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I think the late great author, Zig Ziglar put it best when he said,

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.“

Bottom line?

Motivation is temporary, so we need to take small steps daily to keep the motivation train moving along, or else it’ll lose steam and come to a screeching halt.

This realization eventually led me to another simple discovery, which I now believe is the most important thing you need to know about motivation.

I call it The Action-First Principle, which states:

Action comes first, motivation follows.

To put it another way: Action leads to motivation, not the other way around.

Action Leads To Motivation

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Here’s how most people approach motivation:

MOTIVATION → ACTION → MORE MOTIVATION

(In other words: if they don’t “feel” motivated to take action, they don’t.)

Here’s how motivation really works:

ACTION → MOTIVATION → MORE MOTIVATION

Regardless of what you want to get motivated about, the answer always begins with action.

Action is the impetus for motivation.

Action is the precursor to motivation.

Action comes FIRST, motivation comes after.

We want to stop saying:

“I need to get motivated to take action.”

We want to start saying:

“I need to take action to get motivated.”

I often tell people who struggle with motivation and productivity:

It’s easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than it is to feel yourself into a better way of acting.

Grab your fattest sharpie and write that down.

Then tape it up somewhere you know you’ll see it on a daily basis.

And next time you find yourself thinking, “Gosh, I don’t feel motivated to do anything right now” — STOP.

Then remind yourself that:

ACTION COMES FIRST, MOTIVATION FOLLOWS.

Now, let’s talk about how you can apply this method to experience more motivation, more often, in your own life and work…

How to apply this Method to Motivation

I have two challenges for you today…

1. Tomorrow morning, wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual—and get out of bed the moment the alarm rings.

The resistance you may feel about getting out of bed is what you have to contend with when pushing to make any change. As hard as it might be to put mind over mattress and throw off those warm blankets, you’ll notice that once you’re up and about, it’s not that hard to stay awake anymore.

Waking up earlier is not only an exercise in facing resistance — it serves as concrete proof (to yourself) that you CAN look at something you don’t feel like doing, and do it anyway.

That’s powerful.

And the confidence-boosting effect of getting yourself to do something that you’re too lazy/afraid/tired/nervous/”not motivated enough” to do, but would be genuinely proud of yourself for having done, is also your first shot of confidence for the day…

Which usually results in a positive upward cycle of confidence-boosting actions and emotions throughout the rest of your day.

All because you set the tone for success from the get-go.

But waking up early is just one simple exercise to demonstrate the power of The Action-First Principle… My goal is for you to see how powerful it is, and to then leverage this principle to push yourself to do ANYTHING that matters to you—regardless of whether you’re motivated or not.

Which brings me to challenge number two…

2. Make the following pact with yourself right now + say it out loud:

“If I know there’s something I need to do that could change me for the better, I promise myself that I will use The Action-First Principle to push myself to do it regardless of how I feel.”

See you in the next one,
—Dean

You’ve received this installment of Month of Motivation for free. To unlock all 30 parts of this program—along with everything else inside Club 12—upgrade to Premium today:

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Up next…

← View Previous • View Next →

ONE idea can transform your completely.

Watch this workshop to find out how.

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Over the last three sessions, we’ve talked about defining your core values, becoming a trust-worthy leader, and holding an uncompromising standard for excellence:

If you’re actually practicing the principles I mentioned above, you’ve probably realized something by now:

Being a leader who gives a damn is exhausting…

Some folks might say it’s natural to be drained and exhausted if you genuinely care about the outcomes you’re after and the people you’re leading.

But I disagree.

Leaders don’t get exhausted because they care, they get exhausted because they try to do everything themselves.

I understand this mentality very well, because I’ve suffered from it myself.

I used to tell myself, “No one can do it like me anyway, so I’ll just handle it on my own so it gets done properly and punctually—exactly how I like it.”

Here’s the problem with this mindset: trying to control everything is a losing battle.

It will drain you. It will stunt your growth. It’ll keep you from operating at your peak, and it’ll keep those you lead from reaching their full potential.

If you’ve leaned into this in the past, it might’ve worked out just fine, but I’m willing to bet it hasn’t ever worked as well as you’d like it to…

Because if you’re the only one in control, then you haven’t built a real team. All you’ve done is build a room full of followers — all of whom are completely dependent on you.

And as a result, the moment you leave, get sick, or burn out - everything falls apart.

Master every area of your life. Inside Club 12.

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Inspire others to lead

Average leaders command and control. Good leaders direct and delegate. But extraordinary leaders build more leaders: they educate, empower, and coach leadership in others.

My definition of leadership is to communicate to another person their potential and value with so much clarity that they’re inspired to see it in themselves.

Being an extraordinary leader has nothing to do with how many people follow you, and everything to do with how many people you empower to become leaders themselves. It’s about how many capable leaders you can leave behind.

But changing from the type of leader who’s used to “doing everything” to the type of leader “empowers others” can be uncomfortable and uncertain.

So, to show you exactly what it takes to let go and build a culture of true leaders, I want to take you 400 feet underwater….

In 1999, Captain David Marquet was assigned to command a US nuclear submarine called, the USS Santa Fe. It was widely considered the worst-performing submarine in the entire US Navy fleet. Morale was terrible, and the crew was famous for making mistakes.

To make matters worse, Captain Marquet had been trained to command a completely different class of submarine. He didn’t actually know the intricate technical details of the USS Santa Fe.

A few days into his command, he was running a drill.

He ordered his officer: “Ahead two thirds.”

The officer echoed the order to the helmsman: “Ahead two thirds.”

But nothing happened.

Marquet looked at the helmsman and asked what was going on.

The helmsman then nervously replied, “Captain, there is no ‘ahead two thirds’ gear on this submarine.”

Marquet was confused.

He looked at the officer who passed along his orders and asked, “Did you know there was no ‘ahead two thirds’?”

The officer replied, “Yes, sir.”

“Then why did you issue the order?”

The officer looked directly back at him and said, “Because you told me to, sir.”

And that’s when Marquet realized he was leading 135 followers.

His men were so conditioned to blindly obey the chain of command that they were willing to drive a nuclear submarine into a disaster just because the guy in charge said so.

After this experience, Marquet realized that if he kept barking out orders, the entire ship would fail. He didn’t know his own ship well enough, and his crew had stopped using their brains.

So, Marquet decided to switch things up…

He gathered his crew and told them he would never give another order again.

Then, he instituted a new rule:

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Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

Here’s what we’re looking at today…

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Raise your standards

Decades ago, in traditional auto manufacturing, the golden rule of the assembly line was to be obsessed with efficiency. Managers at auto firms around the globe were all focused on one thing: Never stop the line. Keep it moving, hit your daily production quotas, and if a car has a defect, let the mechanics fix it at the very end of the line.

From a management perspective, this kept the daily numbers looking great.

But one day, an engineer at a little company called Toyota named Taiichi Ohno, came along…

And he disagreed with this “efficiency” approach completely.

Ohno, who was the the creator of the Toyota Production System, decided that relentlessly focusing on efficiency was the wrong way to build a company.

He believed that prioritizing speed over quality was creating a culture of carelessness.

And when you’re building vehicles, carelessness and apathy can’t be tolerated.

So, Ohno installed a physical rope running above every single workstation at the Toyota assembly line… He called it, the “Andon Cord.”

After installing the ropes, Ohno told all of his frontline workers to reach up and pull the cord anytime they saw a defect of any kind:

• If a part doesn’t fit perfectly, pull the cord.

• If you spot oil slicks, loose wires, or broken parts, pull the cord.

• If you feel our quality standards are slipping for any reason, do not ignore it, reach up and pull the cord.

When a Toyota worker pulled the Andon Cord, the entire assembly line would stop, and managers would rush over to fix the root cause of the problem – right then and there.

From a pure efficiency standpoint, this was terrifying. Stopping a massive auto factory line can cost thousands of dollars a minute.

And when executives from other car companies visited Toyota and saw line workers stopping production over minor issues, they thought Ohno was crazy.

But Ohno didn’t care about the efficiency of a single shift.

He cared about the effectiveness of the final product.

He knew that if a worker noticed a broken part rolling by and didn’t do anything about it, the company was essentially saying, “We tolerate bad work,” without actually saying it.

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Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

• Part 1: Lead like you give a damn

Here’s what we’re looking at today…

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Build a culture of trust

As a leader, what does trust mean to you? Trust is something that you earn by paying close attention, by being compassionate, and by building a deep sense of connection with those you lead.

In her book, Dare to Lead, Brené Brown shares a powerful acronym that describes the seven behavioral patterns that encourage trust…

The acronym is: B.R.A.V.I.N.G.

B.R.A.V.I.N.G.

By the way, each of these leadership habits can be adapted for any role, whether you’re leading a company, a business, a household, or managing a team:

Boundaries. This focuses on respecting other’s boundaries and learning to understand that we all have different boundaries.

Reliability. Being trustworthy and reliable, doing precisely what you say you will do at any given time.

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The Aluminum Company of America (Alcoa) was in trouble. Profits were tumbling, the workforce was unhappy, and product quality was slipping.

The board fired their CEO, and brought in an outsider named Paul O’Neill to take the helm.

Naturally, investors demanded a meeting.

They packed into a plush Manhattan hotel ballroom, pens ready, waiting to hear the new guy’s master plan for cost-cutting, profit margins, and revenue growth.

O’Neill walked up to the podium, looked at the crowd of hungry investors, and said:

“I want to talk to you about worker safety. Every year, numerous Alcoa workers are injured so badly that they miss a day of work. I intend to make Alcoa the safest company in America. I intend to go for zero injuries.”

The room went dead silent.

One investor raised his hand and asked about inventories. O’Neill shut him down:

“I’m not certain you heard me. If you want to understand how Alcoa is doing, you need to look at our workplace safety figures.”

The investors literally ran out of the room to find payphones. They called their clients and shouted, “The board put a crazy person in charge! Sell all your Alcoa stock right now!”

To them, focusing on safety instead of profits meant he didn’t care about the bottom line.

But O’Neill knew his “Why.”

He realized that you cannot transform an organization by yelling about spreadsheets. You transform it by focusing on a habit that brings everyone together. Making aluminum is dangerous.

By making safety his absolute, non-negotiable priority, he was telling the frontline workers: “I give a damn about your life.”

Anyone can say safety is a priority, but O’Neill proved it.

A year later, a plant manager in a highly profitable division failed to report a safety hazard. Even though this manager was bringing in millions of dollars, O’Neill fired him immediately.

He also bypassed his own executives and gave out his direct office number to the floor workers, telling them to call him personally if management ever ignored a safety hazard.

Because the workers finally believed their leadership actually gave a damn about them, the entire culture shifted.

Trust skyrocketed.

And because they were communicating better about safety, they started communicating better about everything else, too: process improvements, quality control, and efficiency.

When Paul O’Neill retired 13 years later, Alcoa’s safety rate was one of the best in the world.

And as for those investors who sold their stock?

They missed out.

During O’Neill’s tenure, Alcoa’s annual net income rose by 500%, and its market capitalization grew by $27 billion.

Actionable insights

1. Identify your #1 non-negotiable core value. Paul O’Neill chose safety. Grab a piece of paper and write down one single word that defines your absolute, non-negotiable core value for your family or your team.

   • Examples: Honesty, Growth, Respect, Accountability.

2. Let everyone you lead know about it. Let your team, family, staff, or company know that this is the new standard you will all be living and working by moving forward. Get everyone on the same page. If everyone you lead is in total alignment, everything will rise across the board.

See you in Part 2,
—Dean

Up next…

2026 Calendar • Challenges • Workshops • Masterclasses

This past month of July inside Club 12, we covered Personal Development Pillar #7: Communication. As I was reflecting on the month, I remembered a powerful piece of advice a mentor once shared with me regarding communication:

“The quality of your communication is the response that you get.”

Here’s what that means in plain English:

If people don’t “get you,” it’s not their fault; it’s yours.

If you attempt to communicate something, and the people on the receiving end aren’t understanding or applying what you’ve communicated in the way you intended them to—it’s not because of them, it’s because of you. It’s because your message, or the way you delivered it, needs refining.

Communicating well is like a superpower.

It’s also one of those life skills they never taught us in grade school.

So, what does effective communication look like?

Effective communication happens when you use words and intentions to transfer the contents of your thoughts into someone else’s brain.

Communications are conveyed in a few different ways: spoken, written, emotional, and behavioral. Let’s go over each of them, one by one…

1. Spoken communication
Communicating your ideas through the spoken word comes in handy when you’re addressing a large group of people in person. But it also matters in conversations.

• The most important part of communicating during conversations is listening. No one’s more annoying than someone who talks talks talks—and never listens. Make your conversations like a tennis match—hitting the ball back and forth throughout. If you’re trying to build rapport or get someone to like you, keep the ball in their court longer than you keep it in yours.

• If you’re addressing a group of people (speeches, presentations, small groups, etc.) know what you’re going to say and why you want to say it—before you say it.

2. Written communication
The written word is helpful when you’re trying to express your ideas to large groups of people through text-based means, like memos, essays, articles, or books.

• Write like you speak, keep it simple, and don’t use fancy words when simple words will do. People will appreciate you for it.

3. Emotional communication
This is my personal favorite style of communication. Words backed with emotion are especially effective when we want to make a message matter.

• For example, if you took a hairpin and threw it in my direction, it would bounce off my chest and fall to the ground. But if you took that same hairpin and drove against my chest with a hammer, you’d pierce right through my heart. That’s the kind of impact emotions can have if you use them properly.

4. Behavioral communication (body language)
Your body language often tells people everything they need to know before you ever open your mouth.

• When you walk into a room, walk in like you mean it.

• When you’re speaking with someone, give them your eyes, but don’t linger longer than you need to or you’ll send the wrong signal.

• When you shake someone’s hand, grip firmly, but don’t squeeze like you’re compensating for something you don’t have.

• When you say something audibly, bring your body into it if you want to drive the point home.

• Use gestures, facial expressions, and body language to help your ideas land like a pilot does with an airplane: smooth, deliberate, and never phased by occasional bouts of turbulence.

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Here’s everything we covered in July

See below for links to everything we covered inside Club 12 during Communication month.

Week 1.
Live Training: How to Speak so People Listen

We kicked off the month with a live training workshop, in which I shared some of my personal favorite techniques for commanding a stage with confidence and overcoming public speaking anxiety.

Weeks 2-3.
Series: Words that Work

In week 2, we kicked off the Club 12 Words that Work Series. In this 5-part series, I covered the five skills you need to become a dangerously effective communicator.

Find links to each day of the series below:

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Week 4.
Masterclass: Crucial Conversations

To close-out the month, I released a new masterclass called, Crucial Conversations: Proven Tools to Navigate Difficult Discussions with Ease + Confidence:

Here’s what we’re covering in August

This month inside Club 12, we’re focusing on the eighth pillar of personal development, which is:

Leadership + Creativity.

• Leadership is about your ability to guide, inspire, and influence people. You could be the leader of a company, industry, family, business, team - the list goes on and on.

• Creativity is about using your imagination to bring something novel and valuable into the world. This could be a physical or digital product, a perspective, an idea, a drawing, a book, a patent - anything.

All throughout this month, we’ll cover what it takes to do both with excellence.

Club 12 members, keep an eye on the agenda page—which will be updated with details about this month’s live training workshop, series, and masterclass.

Get ready for an incredible month ahead.

Be your best,
Dean Bokhari
Founder, Club 12

Subscribe now

Quick note about our training modalities:

• Live Training Workshops (held at the start of each month) are designed to give you a solid overview of our monthly pillar of personal development (Jan: Goals, Feb: Relationships, March: Habits).

• Monthly Challenges are designed to help you implement our pillar of the month.

• Masterclasses (on-demand courses) are designed to help you master the monthly pillar. If you want to go deep, these are for you.

Yes—I love using emdashes. But I don’t use AI to write, so please excuse any errors—I’m human just like you.

Welcome to Part 2 of the Crucial Conversations masterclass. If you haven’t gone through Part 1 yet, you can find it here. Lessons from both parts one and two are also listed in the clickable tablet of contents below.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART I.

1. Overview

2. How Crucial Conversations Go Sideways

3. Mastering Crucial Conversations

4. Start With Heart

5. Learn to Look

PART II.

6. Make it Safe

7. Master Your Stories

8. S.T.A.T.E. Your Path

9. Explore Others’ Paths

10. Decide + Move to Action

11. Conclusion

Gain the conversation skills you need to succeed at home, at work, and everywhere in between. Unlock immediate access with a Club 12 membership:

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Prefer a one-time purchase? Go here →

6
Make it Safe

As you learned in our last lesson, if people feel threatened during a conversation, they resort to silent or violent reactions, and the conversation fails.

So how do we ensure that the atmosphere of a conversation remains safe?

Make it Safe with Mutual Purpose + Respect

First things first: When others move to silence or violence, you need to step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. Once safety is restored, go back and continue the dialogue.

The key is to step out of the content of the conversation: to not get stuck on what others are saying.

Next, we start laying the foundation of your conversation on two things:

(1) Mutual Purpose, and (2) Mutual Respect.

Let’s break both of these down:

• Mutual Purpose. Finding mutual purpose is important because it’s what binds two or more people together in a conversation. If people genuinely feel they have a mutual purpose, they’ll try to look past their differences and communicate with each other to achieve that purpose. Put simply, every participant needs to feel like they’re contributing to any decisions that get made as a result of the conversation; people need to feel like they’ve got some skin in the game.

• Mutual Respect. Mutual respect is just as important as mutual purpose. Respect is absolutely critical for any successful conversation. If your conversation partners feel like you don’t respect them, you’ll either get a silent reaction (i.e. withdrawal, no communication, sarcasm) or a violent reaction (i.e. shouting, anger, controlling behavior.) Bottom line: If you want people to be invested, make sure they feel respected.

Even when you’re about to criticize an employee, you can do so without disrespecting them.

A good way to do this is by using the technique of alternating between praise and criticism.

For example, let’s say you want Jimmy to be more punctual.

Here’s how it might go:

YOU: “I appreciate all your hard work on XYZ project, Jimmy.”

JIMMY: “Thanks so much!”

YOU: “You know, if there were just one area I’d like to see you improve upon, it would be your punctuality. Do you think you could work on ensuring you’re at our project meetings on time from now on? It would really help maintain the high-quality work you’re known for as you continue to take on new projects in the future.”

JIMMY: “Absolutely, boss. I apologize for showing up late and will make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ll be on time, every time.”

YOU: “Thank you, Jimmy… And hey—keep up the quality work, it’s really showing.”

BOOM.

• Start out positive.

• Place the area of improvement in the middle.

• Finish off strong with another positive statement.

Both personally and professionally, your conversations will be more positive, and you’ll increase your chances of achieving win-win solutions if you make an effort toward the common goals and interests of the people involved.

Try to define a mutual purpose and once this is clear, those who are a part of the conversation will strive towards that as well.

For example, let’s say you were just offered a once-in-a-lifetime promotion at work; the kind of opportunity that could really take your career to the next level.

But the downside is that you and your family will have to move to another state.

This puts you at odds with your partner.

Initially, you and your partner seemingly have completely different goals: You want the promotion while your partner doesn’t want to move.

At this point, it’s important to work on finding a more general goal that is in both your interest as well as your partner’s.

For instance, define the long-term needs of the family, and see if your promotion aligns with those needs. Talk it out. Work on coming up with something together.

This will immediately help you and your partner establish common ground.

And no matter what the outcome of your discussion, you’ll both be more likely to sincerely consider the available options.

In the end, your partner may be persuaded to let you take the promotion and move; or you may decide that finding a better opportunity in the same area is a better option. Either way, it’ll be a stronger decision because both you and your partner were involved in making it.

When people don’t feel safe, it’s usually because they either believe you don’t respect them, or they believe you don’t share the same goals (mutual purpose).

The first step toward restoring safety is to address these concerns directly.

• For example, let’s say you’re in disagreement with a colleague about how to allocate resources for a project. Things get tense, and you notice they’re becoming defensive. What can you do to prevent the conversation from spiraling out of control? You’d want to re-establish safety by reminding them that you both want the same thing (mutual purpose)—which is to finish the project successfully. Immediately thereafter, you want to express respect for their concerns.

Here’s what this might sound like in action:

“I want to make sure we’re on the same page because I know we both care about making this project a success. I respect your opinion, and I’m interested in finding a solution that works for both of us…”

☝️ Saying something like this can defuse the tension almost immediately.

Spot Safety Risks by Looking for Silence + Violence

One of the most useful skills is learning to recognize when safety has been violated. As you know by now: people tend to react in one of two ways when they feel unsafe: silence (shutting down, avoiding the conversation) or violence (getting aggressive, trying to control the conversation.)

I was in a meeting with my team recently when I noticed one of our most valuable employees, Shafi, suddenly stopped contributing after a somewhat tense moment in our discussion. Initially, I didn’t realize what was happening. After the meeting, I found out that Shafi felt like the group didn’t value his input—so he began to withdraw and shut down—moving into silence.

On the other hand, there are moments when people feel the need to control or overpower the conversation when safety is compromised. I’ve been in conversations where someone begins to talk over everyone, raise their voice, and force their opinions—classic signs of violence.

The important thing to remember is that both responses come from a lack of safety.

Two Key Skills to Make it Safe

1. Apologize (when appropriate)

If you realize that something you’ve said or done resulted in someone feeling disrespected or unheard, you can move the conversation back to safety with a genuine apology.

For example, if you’re in the middle of a conversation and realize you’ve just interrupted someone or mistakenly dismissed their point, a quick apology—with eye contact—can go a long way:

“So sorry, Rob. I didn’t mean to cut you off. I value your opinion and want to hear what you have to say.”

2. Use Contrasting (to fix misunderstanding)

Sometimes people feel disrespected during crucial conversations even when we haven’t said or done anything disrespectful. If you haven’t done anything wrong but the other person still doesn’t feel safe, then your next best tool is a skill called contrasting.

Contrasting is a powerful way to clarify your intentions. It involves explaining what you don’t mean, and then what you do mean.

For example, you’re giving feedback to a team member, and you notice they’re getting defensive. In this scenario, it would be smart to use contrasting by saying something like this:

“Steve, I don’t want you to think I’m questioning your ability to do the job. What I do want, is to have an open discussion about how we can handle deadlines better moving forward.”

☝️ This clears up any misunderstandings and helps to restore a sense of safety.

C.R.I.B. to Mutual Purpose

If people feel like you don’t share the same goals, they won’t engage fully in the conversation. This is where the CRIB method comes in handy—use it to get back to mutual purpose.

C.R.I.B. stands for: Commit, Recognize, Invent, and Brainstorm.

• For example, imagine you’re in a conversation with a business partner about a new direction for your company. You suggest focusing on a specific market segment, but your partner seems resistant and starts pulling away. Instead of pushing for your strategy, establish safety by CRIBing your way back to mutual purpose.

COMMIT to seeking mutual purpose. Commit to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that works for everyone.

• You start by saying something like, “I think we might be seeing this differently, but I want to make sure we’re both aligned on what’s best for the company. Can we work together to figure that out?”

RECOGNIZE the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people why they want what they’re pushing for. Separate what they want with the purpose it serves.

• Acknowledge their underlying concerns. “It sounds like you’re worried that focusing on this market segment could limit our growth opportunities. I understand that.”

INVENT a mutual purpose. If you’ve clarified everyone’s purposes, but still haven’t gotten to safety, try to invent a more inspiring purpose than the one that’s keeping you in conflict.

• Find a higher-level purpose that you can both agree on. “At the end of the day, we both want what’s best for the company’s long-term success, right?”

BRAINSTORM new strategies. Look for a solution that serves everyone.

• Now that you’ve identified a shared purpose, you can brainstorm together. “What if we explore some other markets that might help us grow while still considering this segment?”

Actionable insights

Making it Safe is about recognizing when a conversation goes off track and knowing how to steer it back to healthy dialogue by addressing people’s need for safety and respect. When you get this right—when you foster safety—you open the door to honest dialogue and better outcomes in your crucial conversations. Keep these actionable ideas in mind to make safety the standard in every dialogue:

1. Notice when safety is at risk. Look for signs of silence (people withdrawing, shutting down) or violence (people becoming aggressive, trying to dominate). When you see the signs, STOP—and reestablish safety.

2. Use contrasting to clarify your intentions. When someone misinterprets your words, use contrasting to explain what you don’t mean and what you do mean, to avoid further misunderstandings.

3. Apologize when necessary. A genuine apology can restore safety and keep the conversation moving forward.

4. Focus on mutual purpose. Constantly remind people that you’re working toward the same goal. If they feel like you’re on their side, they’re more likely to engage and contribute to a productive dialogue.

7
Master Your Stories
How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt

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About this Masterclass

How do you communicate when stakes are high, opinions vary, or when emotions run strong? For far too many people, the answer to that question is some variation of, “Well, I’m not sure 🤷‍♂️.” This masterclass was designed to help you change that—so you can handle every dialogue with confidence. The Crucial Conversations training program equips you with research-based tools to navigate personal + professional communications with elegance, authority, and effectiveness.

What you’ll learn

The skills you’ll learn in the Crucial Conversations training program get you past the hard parts of dialogue and help you cultivate relationships that are authentic, productive, and enriching—both in life and at work. Inside, you’ll learn strategies on how to:

• Be persuasive, not abrasive. Increase your influence by learning how to present your ideas convincingly.

• Improve your communication skills, with techniques to express yourself clearly and help others feel heard—especially in high-stakes situations.

• Reduce anxiety by preparing for conversations. Discover how to shake off the nerves so you can handle difficult conversations with ease and elegance.

• Resolve + de-escalate conflicts. Navigate disagreements and find win-win solutions in even the most difficult dialogues. Manage your own emotions in tense conversations and discover how to spot and mitigate emotional flare-ups in others before they get out of control.

• Strengthen your relationships at work + home. Make it safe for people to talk about almost anything. Inspire others to share their honest opinions + concerns. Become an expert negotiator. And transform negative emotions into powerful, constructive dialogue.

• And much, much more…

Gain the conversation skills you need to succeed at home, at work, and everywhere in between. Unlock immediate access with a Club 12 membership:

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FORMAT

• Media: 🎥 Audio, 📝 Written

• Duration: 2 hrs. 45 min. | 11 lessons total.

• Dean’s recommendation: Read or listen from start to finish, then return to individual lessons whenever a specific challenge shows up.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Use the clickable menu below to jump around.

PART I.

1. Overview

2. How Crucial Conversations Go Sideways

3. Mastering Crucial Conversations

4. Start With Heart

5. Learn to Look

PART II.

6. Make it Safe

7. Master Your Stories

8. S.T.A.T.E. Your Path

9. Explore Others’ Paths

10. Decide + Move to Action

11. Conclusion

1
Overview

It happens far more often than you’d like: You’re discussing a sensitive topic with a friend, co-worker, or another acquaintance—and before you know it, the conversation turns from friendly to fierce…

You’re angry. They’re angry.

Everyone’s just way too fired up to communicate in a calm, collected manner.

The result? A failed conversation.

How is it that two perfectly rational people can become so angry in a conversation where both just want to communicate their ideas to one another? Why do so many of our well-intentioned conversations go sideways—and what can we do about it?

I created this training program to help you with exactly that.

This course was inspired in part by the book Crucial Conversations. In the book, the authors identify the primary causes behind discussions that go downhill—and offer effective methods to enhance your conversations and navigate tricky communication scenarios like a BOSS. The book also provides valuable strategies to quickly recognize and alleviate potential conversational train wrecks before they go off the rails and get out of hand.

Before we go any further, let’s pause and talk about what a crucial conversation actually is:

A crucial conversation is any discussion where:

• Stakes are high. The outcome of the conversation can have significant consequences (positive or negative).

• Opinions vary. The people involved hold differing viewpoints.

• Emotions run strong. It’s emotionally charged, which can lead to conflict and defensive behavior.

This trifecta—high-stakes (significant consequences), differing opinions, and heightened emotions—is present in every crucial conversation.

It’s also what makes crucial conversations such a challenge…

Crucial conversations typically occur when we face tough issues like resolving conflict, giving feedback, making important decisions, or addressing sensitive topics. Because of the combination of high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions, these conversations can either lead to breakthroughs or breakdowns.

When handled well, crucial conversations can lead to positive changes and better relationships. When handled poorly, they often lead to frustration, damaged relationships, and unresolved issues.

Mastering crucial conversations is essential because it allows us to navigate these discussions with clarity, respect, and a focus on mutual understanding—which leads to better outcomes for all of us.

Mastering crucial conversations

The most influential people are masters at navigating crucial conversations. They can get things done while also fostering + building on their relationships. In fact, people who routinely hold crucial conversations (and hold them well) can even express controversial or risky opinions without damaging their reputation. And they can do it in a way that lands. When a master of conversation begins talking, people listen. Their employees, peers, and even their boss – all listen without becoming defensive or angry.

In organizations that practice crucial conversations effectively, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of hierarchy. It’s about having real, face-to-face conversations at every level.

The ability to hold crucial conversations can even impact your health… The negative feelings we keep bottled up inside, the emotional pain we endure, and the barrage of battering we find ourselves dealing with as we go from one unhealthy conversation to the next can eventually diminish our health and well-being.

In some cases, the cumulative impact of decades upon decades of failed conversations can lead to disastrous results. Other times, it leads to minor problems. But leading a life filled with failed conversations never makes us happier, healthier, or better off.

What you’ll get out of this training program

In this training program, we’ll cover some of the most impactful and actionable ideas and insights from Crucial Conversations.

My goal for you is to finish this course with a fresh outlook on communication and a renewed sense of confidence about how to approach crucial conversations of almost any kind.

The skills you’ll learn in the Crucial Conversations training program get you past the hard parts of dialogue and help you cultivate relationships that are authentic, productive, and enriching—both in life and at work.

By the time you’re done, you’ll be equipped with strategies on how to:

• Become a more effective conversationalist—both at home and in the workplace.

• Be persuasive, not abrasive. Increase your influence by learning how to present your ideas convincingly.

• Improve your communication skills, with techniques to express yourself clearly and help others feel heard—especially in high-stakes situations.

• Reduce anxiety by preparing for conversations in advance. Discover how to shake off the nerves so you can handle difficult conversations with ease and elegance.

• Resolve + de-escalate conflicts. Navigate disagreements and find win-win solutions in even the most difficult dialogues.

• Manage your own emotions in tense conversations and discover how to spot and mitigate emotional flare-ups in others before they get out of control.

• Strengthen your personal + professional relationships. Make it safe for people to talk about almost anything. Inspire others to share their honest opinions + concerns. Become a better negotiator. And transform negative emotions into powerful, constructive dialogue.

We’ll also cover specific strategies to navigate common communication problems, including:

• How to facilitate conversations that deal with touchy or delicate subject matter—and still find positive outcomes for everyone involved.

• How to get your point across to kids (and teenagers) without coming across as annoying or frustrating.

• How to broach a sensitive topic with your spouse or partner without upsetting them.

• How to share valuable criticism with another person without offending them.

I’m looking forward to helping you build all of these skills and more throughout our training together.

See you in the next lesson,
—Dean

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2
How Crucial Conversations Go Sideways

Crucial Questions Worksheet (Fillable PDF)

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Downloadable resources for this lesson.

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Have you ever been in a conversation that began well enough, but ended up turning into a huge argument?

You’ve likely had discussions that ended up this way—and probably more than a handful of times. I know I have.

Sometimes it happens with a spouse or partner.

Sometimes it happens with a colleague or co-worker.

Heck, sometimes it happens with people you don’t even know!

These are precisely the kinds of crucial conversations that take a wrong turn and become irrational and emotionally charged debates—causing a complete breakdown of communication between two people.

To understand how this happens, we need to start with the brain and body…

When you’re involved in an emotionally charged conversation, the body releases adrenaline. This sends signals throughout your brain and body to prepare for an incoming threat—which puts you in fight-or-flight mode. Now, this mode is great for survival in actual danger, but in an emotionally charged conversation, it only makes things worse.

Once your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, it becomes hard to think clearly or rationally anymore.

So you either fight (get angry, shout, argue, etc.) or you take flight (stop arguing, try to end the convo, run away, etc.)

To make things even worse, the most important conversations usually take place completely unexpectedly and without any warning…

Imagine having a perfectly normal day when your spouse or partner suddenly tells you they want to end the relationship.

Now, since you probably weren’t expecting this, it’s likely that your reaction will be completely spontaneous.

You might freak out and start crying and yelling. Or maybe you go radio silent, feeling too shocked to do anything but walk away while holding back your tears.

Of course, a wiser course of action would be to take a breath, think about what you just heard, formulate your thoughts, and then respond.

But as I mentioned above, the adrenaline rush makes that nearly impossible, and before you know it, you’re in the middle of a heated conversation…

And yet, aren’t these the very conversations that matter most?

If only you could learn to tackle them better, you could have more impact across your communications in every area of life.

In the book, Crucial Conversations, the authors cite a study in which 20,000 participants were surveyed about how they deal with crucial conversations.

The results revealed that those who could master the art of crucial conversations usually dealt with their professional challenges more effectively. These were the people who emerged as thought leaders in their organizations.

But it doesn’t end there.

The study also shows that those who excel at crucial conversations benefit not just professionally, but personally too: These crucial conversationalists had a higher likelihood of staying together with their spouse or partner—reducing their likelihood of being involved in a divorce or breakup by up to 50%.

Incredible.

The truth is, the ability to communicate and converse with others, and to do it well, is one of the most important skills any of us can develop.

So here’s the billion-dollar question…

How can you effectively handle and navigate crucial conversations in your own life?

Let’s break it down, step-by-step….

Read more

Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

1. How to get busy people to respond to your emails

2. How to handle interruptions, objections, and conflicts in any conversation or presentation

3. How to negotiate—the friendly way

4. How to deliver speeches that inspire

Here’s what we’re looking at in the final installment of this series…

Subscribe now

_{Part 5/5 • Series: Words that Work}

How to become an interesting conversationalist—4 techniques that actually work

Becoming a great conversationalist isn’t about how much you say or how impressive you are. It’s about connecting with another person in an authentic way.

Here are four simple ideas on becoming an interesting and likeable conversationalist. Put them to use, and they’ll help you become the kind of person people enjoy talking with.

1. Stop asking people, “What do you do?”

There are a million and a half reasons why you shouldn’t ask people what they do for a living: they may hate their work, they may be embarrassed to talk about it, or they might be in between jobs, just to name a few.

• Instead of asking: “What do you do?”

• Ask: “How do you spend most of your time?”

Read more

Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

1. How to get busy people to respond to your emails

2. How to handle interruptions, objections, and conflicts in any conversation or presentation

3. How to negotiate—the friendly way

Here’s what we’re looking at in Part 4…

_{Part 4/5 • Series: Words that Work}

How to deliver speeches that inspire

Your ability to express an idea is just as important as the idea itself. Think about it: even if you’re the smartest person around, even if you’ve got a mind bursting with incredible ideas, insights, and information… If you’re unable to move those ideas from your mind into someone else’s, what good are they?

• How can you teach your children if you can’t simplify and express your ideas?

• How can you explain something to a co-worker if you’re unable to articulate it properly?

• How can you hold an interesting conversation or pitch an idea if you have difficulty organizing your thoughts into something that makes sense to other people?

You can’t.

The good news is, being an effective communicator isn’t something people are born with.

It’s a learned skill.

And today, I’m going to share a simple framework with you that makes the entire process a whole lot easier.

It’s the very same framework I use to craft my own speeches, talks, and training programs.

And it’s based on a very simple five-stage sequence.

Once you learn how to use it, you’ll enjoy a noticeable difference in your ability to explain and articulate your ideas to others.

You’ll be able to inspire, inform, and entertain people with your words.

Folks will remember what you say, they’ll take action after you’ve said it, and you’ll develop a reputation as an expert communicator who knows what they’re doing.

Read more

Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

1. How to get busy people to respond to your emails

2. How to handle interruptions, objections, and conflicts in any conversation or presentation

Here’s what we’re looking at in Part 3…

_{Part 3/5 • Series: Words that Work}

How to negotiate—the friendly way

In his book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie shares a story about how one his students used one of his principles (“begin in a friendly way”) to successfully negotiate a rent reduction with his stubborn landlord:

“He and his secretary came to see me as soon as he got my letter. I met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with good will and enthusiasm. I didn’t begin talking about how high the rent was.

I began talking about how much I liked his apartment house. Believe me, I was ‘hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’ I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it.

He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He hardly knew what to make of it. Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One had written him fourteen letters, some of them positively insulting. Another threatened to break his lease unless the landlord kept the man on the floor above from snoring.

‘What a relief it is,’ he said, ‘to have a satisfied tenant like you.’

And then, without my even asking him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so I named the figure I could afford to pay, and he accepted without a word.

As he was leaving, he turned to me and asked, ‘what decorating can I do for you?’”

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I have another Substack publication called, FlashBooks, where I publish audiobooks + written summaries on all my favorite personal growth books. Check out my audiobook summary of How to Win Friends & Influence People below:

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How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends & Influence People…

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a month ago · 9 likes · FlashBooks

Imagine for just a quick second what the outcome would’ve been if the gentleman who wanted to get his rent reduced approached the property owner with an aggressive attitude…

How do you think it would’ve played out if he took the same old, fist-in-the-air, angry approach that most of the other tenants did when trying to get their rent reduced?

Probably not in his favor.

Instead, it was the friendly approach that won.

Let’s try to be like that a little more often when we’re working to get things done in our day-to-day lives.

Actionable insights

You don’t have to be in the middle of a housing negotiation to use the principle of “beginning in a friendly way.” You can put it to use in any conversation or negotiation—in fact, I’d suggest you do.

Here’s how:

• Begin in a friendly way. When you’re dealing with challenging people, situations, or negotiations, be sure to start with a friendly approach whenever possible. Greet the other person warmly and show genuine enthusiasm. Share a genuine compliment with them before diving into your concerns.

• Show appreciation. Express gratitude for the other person’s work or contributions, especially if they’re in a position of authority. Acknowledging a person’s efforts can create a positive atmosphere and open the door for a constructive conversation.

• Look for common ground. Find common points of interest or shared goals that align with the other person’s interests. Point out how meeting your needs can also contribute to their objectives, fostering a sense of mutual benefit.

• Offer-up solutions. Instead of focusing only on your demands, present possible solutions that might address both of your needs. Always strive to make it a win-win for everyone.

• Redirect your emotions. Stay composed. Being calm and friendly (even if you’re having a hard time doing it) can go a long way towards getting to the outcome you want.

Stay dangerous,
—Dean

The first 3 installments of this 5-part series are free. To unlock everything inside Club 12—including the full Words that Work series—activate your exclusive 7-day pass before it expires:

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Up next…

Click or tap below to continue to the next installment of Words that Work.

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Inside Club 12 with Dean Bokhari

In Part 1, we covered how to get busy people to respond to your emails.

Here’s what we’re looking at in Part 2…

_{Part 2/5 • Series: Words that Work}

How to handle interruptions, objections, and conflicts—in any conversation or presentation

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Let’s say you’re giving a presentation to a room full of important people.

Things seem to be going pretty well—you feel confident and you’re communicating clearly…

Then, all of a sudden, BOOM:

Someone drops a bomb on your confidence and interrupts you in the middle of your talk. They’re in vicious opposition to the points you’re trying to drive home.

They disagree with you, and they’re making sure everyone knows it…

What do you do?

Do you tell them they’re wrong?

Do you argue?

Do you ignore them?

Do you embarrass them for being rude and interjecting in the middle of your presentation?

No.

Here’s what you do:

Align + reframe

If someone says “you’re wrong blah blah blah,” we naturally want to defend ourselves and prove them wrong.

But what happens when we do that?

Usually, both people end up angry.

So, one way to handle this would be to say something like:

• “I can see that” or

• “I can appreciate that” or

• “I understand where you’re coming from…”

An even better way to handle it would be to simply agree.

Let’s say someone says that XYZ company makes better widgets than your company does…

Instead of saying,

“NO THEY DON’T! We make the best widgets! Let me tell you why…”

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A more effective way to handle it would be to align with them and say something like this:

“You know what, they really are an excellent company, aren’t they? I agree with you, XYZ company really does make an excellent quality widget…”

Once you’ve said that, how could they continue to disagree and argue with you?

After you align, it’s time to reframe…

This simply means to gently guide them back to your points without putting your ‘BUT’ in their face. For example:

If someone says,

• “XYZ company’s widgets are the best!”

DO NOT respond like this:

• 👎 “I can appreciate that, BUT our company’s widgets are blah blah blah…”

When we use the word ‘BUT’ when we’re responding to someone’s point of view, it can often come off to them like we’re disregarding whatever they just said.

Rather than putting your ‘BUT’ in someone’s face, just use the word ‘AND’ instead.

So, let’s run it back one more time…

• If someone says: “XYZ company’s widgets are the best!”

• An excellent way to respond would be like this: “XYZ company really does make a great widget, and tell me, how long have you been using their widgets?…

• Another great response might be: “XYZ company really does make a great widget, and if you don’t mind me asking, have you ever tried ours?…”

Actionable insights

In any conversation or presentation - arguing, getting defensive, or telling people they’re wrong (even when you know it) does not help your cause.

But here’s what does:

1. Align with them.

2. Find common ground. And then…

3. Reframe the situation so that both parties walk away from the conversation feeling good about it.

That’s all for today!

See you in Part 3 of Words that Work,
—Dean

Thanks for reading/watching Words that Work, a 5-part series on becoming a dangerously effective communicator. Full access to this series is reserved exclusively for premium members of Club 12.

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Inside Club 12 with Dean Bokhari

Up next…

Five skills total, designed to help you:

• resolve personal or professional conflicts quickly

• become a dangerously articulate speaker

• persuade people to your way of thinking

• become a confident conversationalist

• write words that drive action

We’ll cover everything from commanding attention from a stage to holding an interesting conversation. By the time you’re done, you’ll be dangerously effective at communicating your ideas, no matter where you are.

To kick things off, we’ll start with a form of communication you engage in daily: Email.

More specifically, how do you get busy people to actually read your emails and reply to you?

Keep reading to find out.

_{Part 1/5 • Series: Words that Work • Personal Growth Pillar #7: Communication}

How to write emails that actually get responded to

“Did you get my previous email about…” — DELETE.

“Hey Dean, I just wanted to follow up on…” — DELETE.

“Hello Mr. Bokhari, I am kindly requesting your reply regarding…” — DELETE.

☝️

If that’s how you write your emails, don’t be surprised if you don’t receive a reply…

Because this is the kind of BS that lands in my own inbox—multiple times a day, every single day—and they all get deleted.

Busy people don’t read emails; they scan them.

When an executive, a client, a co-worker, or whoever else opens a message from you, they subconsciously want to know three things:

1. What is it about?

2. Why should I care?

3. What do I need to do?

If finding the answers to the questions above takes more than 30 seconds, your email either gets deleted, or it gets sent to the “I’ll deal with this later” pile (which usually means never).

If you want to get responses from busy people, you’ve got to reduce their cognitive load to zero and make it as easy as possible to reply.

This requires being concise and personal—two things ChatGPT and Claude currently suck at.

Which means AI tools won’t help you here, if at all.

But the four frameworks (with examples) I’m about to share with you will.

So buckle up and get ready - because you’re about to learn how to write emails that get replies, even if you’re emailing the busiest person around.

1.
The multiple-choice method
(when you need a quick reply from a decision-maker)

Busy people hate open-ended questions like “What do you think?” or “How should we proceed?” or the one I personally find most annoying of all… “Thoughts?” When you write emails like this, it forces the recipient to put energy into thinking and deciding. If you want to get a response, make it as easy as possible for them to respond… By presenting a multiple-choice question. Someone used this on me awhile back after I ignored their first five emails, and it worked—I responded immediately.

How it works:

• Outline the situation briefly, and provide 2–3 options

• Use parenthesis to subtly highlight the option you prefer: (I recommend this one)

• All the recipient has to do is reply with a single number or word.

EXAMPLE

Subject: Press for Dean Bokhari

Hi Dean,

I’m putting together a special content series on building habits for XYZ Podcast and would love to feature your insights on mini-habits. I know you’re busy, so I’ve put together a few different ways we can collaborate based on your current bandwidth:

1. A 15-minute Zoom interview - We hop on a quick call, I ask you three specific questions, and we are done in under 15 minutes. (My recommendation for the highest impact)

2. A 3-minute voice memo - I send you one prompt, and you record a quick audio response on your phone whenever you have a free moment.

3. An email Q&A - I send over three quick questions, and you or your team reply with a short text response for us to quote.

Let me know if Option 1, 2, or 3 works best for you right now, or if you’d prefer to pass this time around!

Thanks so much!
— [Your name]

2.
The assumption method
(when you don’t want to wait around for a reply)

When you need to move something forward, asking and waiting for permission can slow you down to a crawl. The “assumption method” helps you keep the ball moving: rather than asking for a “Yes,” you state what you’re going to do unless you hear a “No.”

How it works:

• Give them a clear, hard deadline.

• If they don’t respond, you assume permission to proceed.

EXAMPLE

Subject: [FYI] Launching email campaign on Thursday

Hi Sarah,

The final drafts for the Q3 email campaign are attached.

Friendly note: Unless I hear otherwise from you by Wednesday at 3:00 PM, I’ll go ahead and schedule these to send on Thursday morning. No need to reply unless you need changes!

Thank You!
— [Your name]

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3.
The 3-sentence rule
(for sending cold emails)

Ain’t nobody got time to read a 700-word email from someone they barely know. When you’re emailing someone you don’t know very well (or at all), you’ve got to be concise. Especially if you know they’re busy. The 3-Sentence Rule helps with that, by forcing you to cut the fake pleasantries and get straight to the point.

How it works:

• Sentence 1 - The hook/context (why are you emailing them specifically?)

• Sentence 2 - The ask/value (what’s the point of the email?)

• Sentence 3 - The low-friction CTA (an easy “yes/no” question).

EXAMPLE

Subject: Quick question

Hey Nora,

I’ve been a long time fan of your work and loved your Substack post on navigating creative burnout this week.

I’m getting in touch because I’m working on reviving my own newsletter after a long hiatus and would love to ask you just two quick questions about how you structure your week.

Would you be open to a 10-minute Zoom call sometime next week, or is your plate totally full right now?

Sincerely,
— [Your name]

Share

4.
The “permission to close this” method
(when you’re getting ignored)

When your last three emails have gotten ignored, do not send one of those “Just bumping this to the top of your inbox” emails. And definitely don’t hit ‘em with another one of those “Just following up…” emails either. Messages like that will make them feel guilty or annoyed. Which only leads to further avoidance. Instead, give them an out…

How it works:

• Send a one-line email asking for permission to close the loop.

• By taking the pressure off, you trigger their loss aversion (which will trigger them to reply)

• They’ll either finally say “No, I’m still interested!” or they’ll say “Yes, close it,” which at least gives you an answer so you can move on.

EXAMPLE

Subject: Closing the loop on the software trial

Hi Sophia,

I haven’t heard back regarding the enterprise software trial, so I’m assuming this is no longer a priority for your team right now - should I go ahead and close your file so I stop cluttering your inbox?

Thanks so much!
— [Your name]

Conclusion
3 rules for writing emails that get busy people to reply

If you forget everything else, just keep the following three rules in mind:

1. Cut the fake BS. Unless you actually mean it, pleasantries like, “I hope this email finds you well” are a waste of screen space. In the artificially “intelligent” world we’re living in today - you’ve got to cut the crap and get straight to the point.

2. Format for skimming. Ain’t nobody got time to read a 700-word email from someone they barely know. Embolden deadlines and use bullet points for lists. Make it readable in a 3-second glance.

3. Keep it to one screen. If they need to scroll down to read your entire email, it’s too long.

Hope you found this valuable!
—Dean

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NEW
Inside Club 12 with Dean Bokhari

Here’s what you’ll learn about:

• How to overcome nervousness and speak with confidence—whether you’re addressing an audience of one or one-thousand.

• How to take the ideas inside your mind, and transfer them into the minds of your audience—in the most impactful, empowering, and effective way.

• A 5-part framework for organizing a speeches that motivate and inspire action in others.

I’ve split this training into two parts:

Part 1 is about overcoming nervousness and speaking with confidence.

Part 2 is about organizing and delivering a powerful talk to any group.

Ready to dive in?

Press that Play button above, then, scroll below to read the notes.

Part 1: Overcoming nervousness and speaking with confidence

1. Transform nervousness into excitement

The same thing you feel when you’re nervous is the same thing you feel when you’re excited. Your heart rate speeds up, your voice trembles, you make nervous movements, and your palms may get sweaty.

Transform that anxiety into excitement, by repeatedly telling yourself (in your mind or out loud) that your brain and body is preparing you to deliver a powerful speech, training, meeting, etc.

For example: “I’m funneling this exciting energy towards delivering a talk that enhances the life of each and every individual in attendance.”

2. Practice + prepare

Record yourself giving a speech. Then, review it in the following three ways:

• Video only (no audio). Watch your recording without any audio. Doing this helps you identify and eliminate awkward body language. Put it on mute and observe your body language and mannerisms. You’ll find there are certain movements you make that aren’t helping you—ticks, nervous movements, hands in pockets, etc.

• Audio only (no visuals). Listen with headphones and no visuals. This helps you catch your tone and identify whether you’re putting enough emotion or enthusiasm into your talk. If you get bored listening to yourself, others will be also. Take it as a sign to put a little more energy into your voice.

• Have it transcribed, and ask to keep in all the filler words (um, okay, etc). After you receive the transcription, print it out and highlight every filler word you used. Now, you know what to work on eliminating.

3. Avoid memorizing—and actually know what you’re talking about

Instead of trying to memorize your talk, try this: think about the main points of your talk, and then brainstorm multiple different ways to say it.

This helps you understand the underlying principles of what you want to communicate, rather than getting caught up in saying it perfectly.

4. Know how you’ll open, and know how you’ll close

These are the only two things I’d recommend you memorize:

1. your opening remarks

2. your closing remarks—which you want to make as impactful as possible.

5. Use props (when appropriate)

If you’re giving a talk or conducting a training that calls for props—make use of them. Using things like a whiteboard and marker on stage has the unexpected effect of calming your public speaking nerves, because it takes a little bit of the focus off of you.

They almost serve as objects of comfort.

Read more

About this Masterclass

I designed this masterclass as a place for you to come to anytime you experience something that dysregulates your nervous system… Those everyday moments when your body reacts before your mind can lead.

For example, here are some common stressors that throw people into dysregulation:

• Heated arguments

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Receiving harsh criticism

• Sitting in heavy, unexpected traffic

• Experiencing negative or limiting thoughts

When one of these stressors begins to bubble-up inside your brain and body, it can have the power to throw off your entire day…

Instead of letting that happen, this program will give you quick actions you can take to not just regulate, but come back better than before.

Each lesson in this masterclass will cover one common nervous system disruptor, and how to tackle it quickly.

What do I mean by “antifragile nervous system”?

Antifragility is a term coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, the author of one of my favorite books, Antifragile.

If being resilient is about bouncing back, being antifragile is about bouncing back even better than before…

For example: think about the Hydra from Greek mythology. If you cut off a Hydra’s head, two more grow in its place. Cut those, and even more grow. The more damage it takes, the stronger it gets.

That’s what being antifragile is about.

And here’s how it applies to your nervous system:

The goal is to become a person who recovers, responds, and grows stronger from the daily stressors that we all experience…

That’s why I call it The Antifragile Nervous System.

FORMAT

• Media: 🎥 Video, 📝 Written

• Total length: 50–60 min.

• Number of lessons: 10

• Recommendation: Watch in full once, then return to individual lessons whenever a specific challenge shows up.

CONTENTS

How to regulate your nervous system…

1. When you’re receiving negative feedback or criticism

2. When you feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood

3. When you’re overwhelmed, have too much to do, and don’t know where to start

4. When you’re experiencing digital overload

5. When you’re stressed and in a rush or running late

6. When you’re experiencing sensory overwhelm

7. When you experience that afternoon crash

8. When you receive an upsetting text, email, or notification

9. When you’re about to be judged, watched, or evaluated (regulation techniques for job interviews, presentations, big speeches, etc.)

10. When you can’t relax and “turn off” after a stressful day of work

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1
How to regulate your nervous system when you’re receiving negative feedback or criticism

Criticism can feel like danger because your nervous system may interpret it as rejection, humiliation, or a threat to your identity.

That’s why even useful feedback can sting.

Your body instinctively wants to defend, explain, attack, collapse, or prove the other person wrong.

Even if the feedback is only be about one specific thing—like a project for work or a decision you made—your nervous system can turn it into something much bigger:

The other person shares feedback about your project, and you digest it as, “What if I’m not good enough?”

Here’s what to do to regulate your nervous system:

1. Do not respond immediately.

2. Take one slow breath and silently remind yourself that, “This is information, it’s not my identity.”

3. Then ask yourself:

   • “What part of this is useful?”

   • “What part of this is noise?”

   • “What can I learn without attacking myself?”

4. If you need time to regulate, say, “Let me think about that.” That one sentence gives your nervous system room to settle before your ego takes over.

Example 1:
Your boss criticizes your work. Your boss says, “This isn’t as strong as I expected.” Your stomach drops and you immediately think, “He/she thinks I’m incompetent.”

• Regulate first: Silently remind yourself that, “This is information. This is not my identity.”

• Then ask: “What specifically would make it stronger?”

Example 2:
Someone criticizes your parenting. A family member says, “You’re too soft on your kids.” You feel judged and defensive.

• Regulate first: Pause before responding. Say to yourself: “They’re just commenting on one thing they observed. This doesn’t define me as a parent.”

• Then respond with one of the following:

  • “I hear you. I’ll think about that.”

  • Or, if you sense that condescending jackass energy some people walk around with, simply say: “I’m not looking for parenting advice right now.”

Feedback is data, it doesn’t define you.

Remind yourself of that on a regular basis.

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2
How to regulate when you feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood

Let’s say you’ve just told a friend or coworker about something that’s been stressing you out lately…

And they respond by saying something like, “That’s not that big of a deal.”

How does hearing that make you feel? For most of us, we’d feel dismissed.

And when we feel dismissed, we want to either snap back or stop sharing altogether.

When you feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood by a partner, friend, child, client, or colleague, your nervous system processes that disconnection as a threat.

When that happens, you’re no longer in communication mode. You’ve now entered, “I need to prove that my experience is real” mode.

That’s why you feel the urge to raise your voice, over-explain, interrupt, shut down, or walk away.

Your body is trying to protect you from the pain of being dismissed.

Here’s what to do about it…

Here’s what to do to regulate your nervous system:

Let’s go back to the example I shared with you a moment ago: you share something stressful with someone, and they respond with, “That’s not that big of a deal.” Here’s what to do in that moment:

1. Pause—do not engage. If possible, step away for a moment.

2. Put both feet on the floor, relax your jaw, shoulders, and hands.

3. Take 1-3 slow breaths, making each exhale longer than the inhale.

4. Then say: “I know you may not mean it this way, but when you say that, I feel dismissed. I need you to just hear me for a minute.”

That’s how to handle a situation in which you feel unheard or dismissed…

What do you do when you’ve been misunderstood?

Let’s say you’re in a team meeting discussing a new product launch.

You say:

“I think we should simplify the offer so customers understand the main benefit faster.”

Then a colleague responds:

“So you’re saying we should remove features and make the product less valuable?”

That’s not what you meant.

What you meant was: keep the value, but make the messaging cleaner.

In that moment, you feel your body tense up. Your chest tightens. You want to jump in and say:

“No, that’s not what I said.”

But instead, you take one slow breath and say:

“Let me clarify. That’s not exactly what I’m proposing. I’m not saying we should remove value from the product. What I’m saying is that we should make the offer easier to understand so customers immediately see why it matters.”

Then you might add:

“The product can stay strong. The message just needs to be simpler.”

In moments of misunderstanding, don’t try defending your ego, focus on clarifying what you mean.

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3
When you’re overwhelmed, have too much to do, and don’t know where to start

Overwhelm occurs when your mind is carrying around too many open loops at once: Emails, deadlines, errands, family needs, business problems, unfinished projects, and on and on.

Everything feels important. Everything feels urgent.

So your nervous system starts treating your task list like a threat.

That’s when you either:

• start trying to multitask (which is anti-productive and doesn’t help)

• become frozen with procrastination and avoid it all.

Read more