Our writer today faces a familiar dilemma. More bills than money. What’s a person to do? Let us know in the comments if you’ve ever gotten out of overwhelming debt and the tools you utilized to get there.

Dear Miss D,

I am so ashamed and embarrassed, I can’t ask anyone in my real life, so I thought I’d ask you. I hope you can help me.

I’m fed up with myself and I feel like I’m blocking my blessings, but I don’t know what to do. The idea of opening my mail makes my skin crawl because I don’t currently have the money to deal with my problems.

I know the only way out is action. I’ve already proved to myself I can take action on my goals because I manifested my main goal of the year and moved into a new house.

But this feels different. Have you ever been in a pit of avoidance and worked your way out?

I had a friend over to help me do it, but she went back home hours away and I never managed to keep on top of it again.

I’m even putting my child in nursery so I can have time uninterrupted to do it, I feel like I’m just letting myself down wasting my life away.

Sincerely,

Wasting Away

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Dear Drowning,

First, my sincere condolences on your financial dilemma. It can be overwhelming to face life when you feel like you can’t afford to breathe. This can be a terrifying position.

Let’s get one thing straight, wasting your life away is quite different than owing money. Bills will come and go. This one beautiful life is what you have before you.

Before you being tackling the unopened mail, it’s important to get your mind and energy in a better place.

Listen to some empowering music (maybe you can make an abundance or wealthy playlist. Songs that inspire and uplift. While the music plays, move your body. It’s great if you can get outside in nature. Let yourself connect with the earth, the air and your breath.

During this walk, notice the abundance surrounding you. Life is abundant! Leaves on trees. Blades of grass. Grains of sand. The earth is full!

When you return home, set up a calming workstation. Include a candle to burn off any negative energy, a stone for luck, abundance or peace (choose whatever speaks to you) and a plant to represent growth and life.

Start small, with tackling the mail. First day, gather it all together. Put it in a neat pile and let it sit. Put on your playlist and grab a notebook. Write out all the ways you feel abundant in your life right now.

On the next day, go for another “wealth walk.” Chin up, shoulders back, you’re a boss bitch. Listen to that music and move your energy. Breathe.

Go back to your safe space, light your candle, play your music and open all the bills. Don’t take them out. Just open them and let them sit.

Repeat the process, moving your body, listening to uplifting music and finding appreciation. Take one action each day. Sort the bills.

Do one thing each day, taking the next step toward paying off your debt. Maybe the step is asking for a raise. Perhaps you choose to donate plasma or find a part-time, temporary job. Maybe you go through your online subscriptions and get rid of the ones you don’t use.

Pay the most you can on the smallest bill, until it’s all paid. Then take the next one. One step at a time. One day at a time.

When you begin moving in a direction, the whole universe conspires to support you.

Wishing you all the best on your journey to abundance,

With love and appreciation,

Miss D

Have a question or confession for Miss D? You can submit anonymously here:

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Let us know in the comments how you’ve overcome financial hardship.

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Greetings friend! Today’s question from the letter pile may be one that many people in relationships have grappled with.

How far is too far, before you’re actually cheating?

Dear Miss D,

I don’t have anyone to ask, and I’m desperate for help.

I’m married, for nearly 15 years. My husband and I have three kids. He’s a cop and I work with troubled teens. We’re active in our church and community.

From the outside, people might say we have the “perfect” family. On the inside…it’s a different story.

My mother-in-law is a nightmare. She babies my husband, and is strict with our kids (8, 10, 12.) She’s also cruel to me, making fun of my weight, telling me to get a real job, etc. When I talk to my husband about it, he tells me she doesn’t mean it and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. Of course, his mom is active in our church as well and she has everyone fooled.

Anyway, besides the awful MIL, my husband has been putting on a lot of weight. I love him, but he’s getting gross. He’s been working undercover so his hair is long and he’s trying to look “tough” so he doesn’t shower as much as he used to. Plus, his job keeps him out late. Sometimes he’s gone all night. He’s nothing like the man I married.

Because of our busy schedules and probably because we’ve both gotten heavier over the last few years, our sex life is mostly non-existent. I really like sex with my husband, but when he’s not showered, he stinks. (More than just sweat, but a weird sour smell too.)

When he’s home, he’s exhausted and wants to sleep. He doesn’t work out or eat well, and our kids are following his example.

All this work is making him moody. We hardly talk and sex? Out of the question. Not only is he too tired, but we don’t have much time to connect.

It seems like when we do see each other, it turns into an argument.

I’ve been struggling with my own body image for a while, having put on some weight with each baby. I haven’t felt good about myself physically for a few years.

Professionally, I’m doing great. The program I run is well attended and I’m respected for my work in the community. I volunteer at many events and try to stay connected.

Recently, I hired a trainer to come to the facility I run, to teach the kids how to box, and the importance of being healthy and strong. He’s been a godsend.

Not only have the kids started running, boxing and eating better, I’ve been inspired to change my own habits too.

I’ve started making healthier food at home (which often goes uneaten, then my kids and husband are snacking on junk) and I’ve begun working out with the trainer.

He’s changed my life. I’m feeling better and starting to see physical changes too. The trainer and I take early morning runs (which I invite my family to join) and are planning to run a half-marathon next spring.

Between him coming to my facility to work with my students and our private (sometimes twice daily) workouts, we spend a lot of time together. I see him a lot more than I see my husband.

The trainer encourages me to keep going, to lift more, run farther and eat better. He’s guiding me toward the healthy life I want for myself and my family.

He’s recently broken up with his long-term girlfriend, so he’s been hanging out more frequently at my job, helping kids with their homework, or giving them tips in the gym.

Honestly, it’s nice to have a positive male influence at our facility, since my employees are all young women. He brings a nice balance and the students really like him. Even my own kids come after school, just to hang out with him.

I’ve noticed lately that our talks have gotten much more intimate and we’re talking about very personal things. It started with him telling me about his break up. Then I confided in him about my disappointment in my marriage. We share our struggles and offer each other suggestions for how to move forward.

We’re spending a lot of time together and I like him. I’m afraid too much. Sometimes at night, I think about him climbing in bed next to me. Well, I’ll let you fill in what else I’m fantasizing about.

When his hand or his arm accidentally brush me, it feels like an electric shock. I get excited when I know he’s coming to the facility, and I’m thrilled when he drops by unexpectedly.

I’m getting to the point where I just what to feel his naked body against me.

I don’t know if this is considered cheating…if I should stop working out with him, now that he’s gotten me to my goals, or if I should…go for it?

I’ll take any suggestions you have.

Wistful Wife

Dear Wistful,

Congratulations on achieving your health goals. That must feel great.

So far, you aren’t cheating, but it sounds like you may be standing on a slippery slope.

Spending time together, discussing intimate topics…where do you see this going?

The thrill of the chase does not compare to the crush of disappointment you’d feel if you moved this relationship forward.

Not only would you betray your husband, but you’d betray yourself.

It feels great to work out with a handsome trainer. It feels even better to achieve your goals.

It feels awful to betray someone you love. The weight of that secret would likely become unbearable heavy. You sound like a decent person and you’d likely want to confess, if not to your husband, then to your pastor or your counselor or your best friend.

At some point, you’d want validation and to get the burden of your guilt off your chest. As soon as you tell someone else (and maybe even before, if this trainer feels equally burdened) it will slowly spread.

Let’s say you tell your best friend, who swears confidentiality. Even if she never speaks another word of your steamy encounter, you’ll always wonder who knows.

You’ll sit in church, guilty and searching for evidence of someone knowing. Looking over your shoulder every day, wondering who knows.

Once you’ve crossed the line, your guilt increases exponentially. Every time you see your husband, you’ll feel the pang of your own betrayal.

There is nothing wrong with working out with this other person.

Unless you’re ready to blow up your life, it’s time to put some boundaries in place, to protect yourself, your marriage and your family (do you really think that MIL would allow you to have custody of her grandkids if word gets around that you had an affair with a fitness trainer? Dream on, sister. She’d do everything in her power to destroy you and protect her son.)

Continue working out and eating well. Perhaps it’s time to stop the one-on-one sessions and work out at the facility with the students.

Take solo runs (I know it’s not as fun, but there’s no temptation for a steamy post-run shower with your trainer.)

Try and get your family more involved. Could you have the kids take a walk to the park? Maybe walk with the family after dinner. Heck, I’d even suggest a puppy to get everybody outside more frequently. A puppy might be a lot of work, but it’s a lot easier than going through a divorce.

Where can you show your husband empathy? It can’t be easy for him to be working all night under cover. That seems like a dangerous and exhausting job.

Rather than looking at all the things that annoy you, maybe you can start appreciating him. What does he do right? What do you appreciate about him and your relationship?

If he isn’t showering regularly, suggest a shower together. Make time to connect. Ask him questions. Sit near him and be pleasant.

Having an affair is easy. Rebuilding your marriage is hard.

It’s up to you to decide how you want to move forward.

I always say, “There’s no wrong path, just the path you’re on.”

I also say, “You can choose your actions, but you don’t get to pick the consequences.”

Both of these statements are true for you. It’s not “right” or “wrong” to have an affair. It is a decision that comes with consequences. (The community that supports your work, the church that you attend, the friends you’ve cultivated, the job you love: these may all change if you follow through on your desire.)

It’s also not “right” or “wrong” to work on your marriage. It’s a different decsion with different consequences.

The choice is yours. The consequences, however, will be decided elsewhere.

I wish you all the best,

With much love,

Miss D

For your reading pleasure, check out this article:

Embodiment Codes

I Wanted to Have Sex. Just Not with My Husband.

I didn’t want to have sex with my husband…

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22 days ago · 14 likes · 21 comments · Alicia Manuela

Do you have a question? You can ask an anonymous question here:

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What do you think of our writer’s dilemma?

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Today’s letter to Dear Miss D brings up a question I’ve personally been wrestling much of my life.

While I do sometime practice yoga in a bikini, I don’t look this good! The truth is, who cares? You do you, boo. Everyone has an opinion on everything. At the end of the day, your spiritual practice and your sexuality are your business.

Can we be both spiritual (godly, religious, righteous, upright, moral, inspired… use the word that fits you best) and also be sexual (sensuous, sexy, hot, horny, lusty, Lucious… whatever fits your vibe)

Can we hold BOTH as true?

How do we reconcile those energies within ourselves?

Dear Miss D,

We are all sexual beings, yet in spiritual circles we try and deny it. I think that it is part of us and that we should be at peace with. You are a serious yoga practitioner and you have a lot of wisdom and yet at the same time you embrace sexuality fully. Isn't it the spirit in which it is done?

How do you reconcile your physical self and sexual self with your spiritual path. Why can't we say that this is all one, I am whole, and we are all ok? is it just our christian upbringing seeping into other paths that we try and take? Your blog is inspiring in this way. Don't we have to let go of shame to move forward.

Signed,

Wondering

Just doing my yoga, enjoying life!

Dear Wondering,

You ask a great question and one I’ve been wrestling with for many years.

The short answer: First, do no harm.

Whether it’s your sexuality, your spirituality or your ice cream preference, you get to decide what works for you, so long as you don’t harm another soul.

Never, ever seek to destroy another’s heart.

As to your specific question, I agree with what you say.

I am whole. You are whole. We’re okay.

People may not prefer that I do yoga in a bikini. That’s okay.

Maybe some don’t like that I openly talk about sex, death, taxes and religion all in one breath. That’s okay.

We are all living our lives, each one of us focused on similar things: our health (should I eat this cookie? have I walked enough today? did I get enough protein?); our families (is my daughter still pissed at me? Is my mom healthy enough to live alone? Did my partner try to hurt my feelings just now?); our finances (can we buy groceries and pay the rent this month? Am I going to get a raise or get laid off? When can I retire?); and our spirituality (I don’t believe in any of this crap. Am I going to hell? There’s no such thing as heaven or hell. You’re all going to hell. I’m getting my own planet!)

We live individual lives, intersecting with other’s (who are also living their lives.) What we choose to think, say and do is an inside job. It begins inside our hearts and minds. Expresses through our words and deeds.

Is there a “right” and a “wrong” way to think or feel? I don’t think so. Live and let live is a pretty good motto for decent life. As for right and wrong, those are judgment calls, and everyone sees things differently.

Good. Let them. Let each person hold their own ideas and beliefs. Let you hold your truth with great respect. Honor your beliefs.

Your task is to tend to the garden of your soul. This work lasts a lifetime. The good news is, you’ll never get it done and you never get it wrong.

Reconciliation occurs when we decide that our spirituality (whatever form it takes) and our sexuality (also, whatever form it takes) are different parts of our complex beingness.

No one needs to explain themself. No one needs to apologize for being. So long as we each hold our own life as a sacred practice, and we allow others the space to do the same, then we find peace in our wholeness.

Moving through this day, I wish you peace, balance and a renewed enthusiasm for the pleasures and desires of your heart, whatever those may be.

Miss D

For additional perspective and a little more spice, I recommend this article:

School of Erotic Alchemy

Weird Kink or Profound Spiritual Practice?

Recently while teaching someone Erotic Practice, I was asked “So is this meditation? Or is it a sex thing…

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6 months ago · 18 likes · 4 comments · Robbie

Have a question for Miss D?

Ask Me Anything

Please let me know in the comments how you reconcile your spiritual practice and your sensuality/sexuality (and what do you see as a difference between the two?)

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Read on to find out:

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