The absence, following your leave stripped away my entire vitality.

You had blossomed a rich forest in my heart while you stayed. Your closeness nourished my heart, as you left the huge forest had to painfully starve. Going back to the barren land wasn't easy. My heart would never be the same.

Memories of you seep into my life uninvited. I try to close the door, you seep in through cracks. I try to move on, but you're always there.

I say I try, but do I really? I'm cut off from the rest of the world. We two, had shared a world together, only us. The outside world no longer mattered when I was with you. You alone were everything.

You alone mattered. Even after you left, you alone matter. And that was my flaw. The most beautiful thing became my most greatest mistake. To give my all to the one who got away.

The idea of you lingered in quiet corners of my conscious. A ghost that would haunt the rest of my life. A ghost I willingly let in giving access to my entire heart as it is.

Yet, life moved on and the feeling faded in the background, only to haunt occasionally. You are no longer you, and I'm no longer me from back then. We've outgrown the little kids we were. And I got more ghosts to haunt myself, you no longer bring the same pain to me. The ghost of you has lost it's relevance.

And I've grown old, I no longer put my entire heart on a platter for someone. It is a fragile thing, not to be opened so easily. Since I never truly let anyone in, I never truly lose someone. The sense of loss has become a distant memory.

That doesn't mean I'm against to opening it up if things are right. But who knows when that could be.

I drift along the shallow river sometimes looking back at all the ghosts I've let in my home. As long as I don't see them in the eyes, they don't mean much to me. A thing of a past, a fictional story that's passed. Out of sight, out of mind. I go on drifting as though they never really happened.

The idea of her used to haunt me mercilessly. But now it's lost most of it's power.

But to him, it was different. The city and it's uncertain wall’s protagonist lived to his 40s with the ache of losing his teenage love. It never stopped haunting him. It took away his vitality and made him a shell that was alive for the sake of it.

He didn't have any particular goal or desire and was alive because it was the default thing. He was alive in hopes of getting to see her again. Getting to read her letter she would write to him.

His hope was a poison , as it kept him waiting for something that may never happen. But the absence she left was too loud to let it go. She had become his purpose. She was the light in this dark room. Once he had seen such an intense and pure light, he couldn't go back to darkness and be okay with it. The absence she left was shaped exactly like her, no one could fill it. No one was her.

Author's note: The first part is semi-fiction, it was the feelings that rose in me when I was reading this book “The City and it's uncertain walls”

Yearning is awesome to read in a book. It brings you the feeling of loss, and the meaning behind the act of waiting. And the cuts you bleed from ‘em.

But in real life, yearning is super unhealthy in most cases. A desire for something you cannot have will kill you.

You deserve to be loved by someone, not just yearn for them. I agree there were times where I've been an yearner, but I don't paint them positively. I've learnt a long since then. Attaching so much significance to the idea of a single person is a death wish. There are wonderful ways to live in this world, and this is not it.

I've grown to be at peace with myself over the years. And I don't let my heart become vulnerable for something that's not real.

(So, what would I do if it was indeed real and it gets taken away?)

(I would just have to grieve. That's the price of opening your heart. But at least I'm no longer grieving to ideas)

Some of you might have witnessed first hand of your own hardwork and efforts not being enough to make you get there, to make you win. Everything might seem futile and the world might seem unfair. “How is that he could get there easily, while I am unable to?” “I spent more time than him, and yet he got better results”

When the idea that my efforts are futile get hammered into my reality, my spirit to keep moving forward is challenged heavily. An ideal person might persevere to the point of irrationality, bumping their head into the closed doors again and again forever. But for you, is the thing behind the door as valuable to commit your entire life even if you seem to get no results at all?

All these questions get weakened when I am met with the spectacle of a bucket overflowing with water. A bucket overflows when the tap isn't closed after it becomes full. It's a rule of nature, a rule of this world. This world operates in such rules; if you act in a certain way, the rules dictate what reaction and result you get back. If you engage in actions that are naturally inclined to get what you desire, you're likely to get the results at some point.

Let's look back to our previous scenarios. Regardless of your hardwork and dedicated efforts, you might have failed in a thing you pursued. It just means the rules say your current ability and the action of pursuing that certain path might not bear results. Ramming a door like a boar may not be the most efficient way. Instead, you can try and make a key to fit the keyhole, and enter elegantly.

If you're unable to find the key for this door, there are always other doors. This cannot be the only door that could make you happy, life is much more than just one path.

You might ask, “what's the point of all this efforts if I get hit by a truck and pass away next day?”

That's chaos for you. You think no matter how much you pursue something there is a chance for it all to go wrong. You believe that possibility is more likely to happen to you, perhaps it might be because learned helplessness.

chaos, the opposite of order, comes at you when you least expect it. It doesn't have a clear reason to happen, might just be a result of a butterfly effect no one saw coming. The order of world in a scale where you can no longer comprehend or calculate what leads what to what, is chaos. With our limited information we cannot avoid it. We cannot avoid getting hit by a truck or a tsunami claiming your life. We have no means of expecting it to unfold.

Hence chaos has an inbuilt fear response in most of our hearts. Fear of the unpredictable. Fear of the unacceptable.

But just because chaos exists and plagues the lives of many, doesn't mean the universe has some personal vendetta against you. The universe frankly doesn't care about you or I. It only follows an order, and we call it laws of physics. It is indifferent to humans and human affairs.

The chaos that erupts in our lives could be either positive or negative things we didn't see coming. Why did you think it would always be negative? Such a thought process would make you blind when opportunities and fortune knock your door. Butterfly effect may also throw you things that are favourable. Opportunity favors the prepared. You just might be in the right place and right time, but if you don't have the right mind you might not be able to claim it.

If chaos brings death, so be it. I can do nothing about it. But I can prepare myself against the worst scenarios. That's why we wear helmet and seatbelts. The more we're prepared, the more likely we're to survive a carcrash.

You have so many doors ahead of you. Just train your eyes to notice and grab an opening when you see it. The universe mostly does follow an order. Chaos might sneak up here and there but if you keep on attempting actions that are tied to rewards you desire, statistically it is impossible for you to not breakthrough. If you knock a thousand doors, surely some of them might open.

In the game of d&d you don't control the dice. It can give you anything between a D20 and a NAT1. The dice is the agent of chaos. Your good ideas might keep hitting NAT1 and fail. Would you give up playing the game then?

As long as you keep rolling, you'd eventually get good rolls even if you started with bad rolls. You just need one Nat20 in this life, at this point. It is not too much to ask. You have to right to desire a life you are happy in. And the only way you can make it likely to happen is to keep rolling the damn dice.

often times we dream of making it big, successful and famous in the pursuit of our dream. we made something that should have been secondary as the main focus. success didn’t matter to these songs when they were made. the songs were a medium that held the artists’ desire to leave their pain, melancholy and hope somewhere.

the songs from these bands was made for the thousands of people leaving comments as they found comfort.

all our favorite songs wouldn’t have come to life if our artists burnt their time doom scrolling late nights. all those people found company and comfort in these songs would be all alone.

i only do what i do to give back the good the world bestowed on me through these artists. there’s no desire to make it big, but just hopes of it reaching those who might need to hear these words.

the world may be impartial and corrupted, but at this moment when amazarashi’s music, a feeling of comradeship lifts my soul. at this moment despite all evils, i am able to prevail. as this song runs in loop, the best version of me stays awake.

this song will never fail to bring my inner goodness out.

some say our body is just chemicals and hormones. what an un-artistic way to talk about the fascinating biology of our existence. everything about our body is intricate. we’re by no means simple.

since i have a sound mind, i can think for myself. it’ll be a waste of all this body and mind are capable of, if i do not move forward. i will move ahead so i could lend a hand to the ones who are stuck just like me.

making it big is often highly improbable, if you think that is what you want it is easy to get discouraged. making it big is rather meaningless to me, now that i’m clear of my primary desire to walk forward.

the feeling of being a good person tops everything else. at this moment i’m doing the best thing i could be doing. and that’s a start. i just need to do this more often until eventually it becomes the norm for me.

we take baby steps if the path ahead seems scary. we give reminders about what our endgoal truly is.

even now i’m pouring pieces of my heart into the texts here; it certainly stays in some form with some readers. i just need to keep walking this path.

Almost an year ago I went through the hardest time of my life. The urge to jump off a rooftop was practically never ending. I wake up and felt miserable. I would spiral in a loop of self-blame. It ate up my insides, choking my heart. I lost my appetite, and everything that followed.

Death could take it all away. When day after day was just a repeat of misery, who wouldn’t find death enticing? The course of my life grew stagnant as all I did was deny my urge to spiral and die. I pumped myself into gaming nearly 24/7. Anything to let my mind shut off those thoughts. It was a band-aid put on a failing heart. It wouldn’t solve the root cause, but it let me live another day.

While I was going through this, I had extremely downplayed how much I was affected. Only now, after I am no longer plagued by the ridiculous amount of self blame, I see it for how intense it truly was. I used to write a couple of essays to vent out all the awful feeling that sprouted from the endless spiral. If you check up my essay history, the timeline will be visible to you.

This is where it started

And it went on and on. on and on. But there was some solace in writing it. Throwing it out to the world let some people find it. It reached others who resonated with what I wrote. It was only a handful of people, but writing told them they weren’t alone. And their comments told me I wasn’t either.

I had two friends during this time, who I confided everything. They were a lot of help. One of them was going through something similar, we ended up trauma bonding and getting closer. We texted everyday, talked about various thing and checked upon each other when our substack posts/ notes were concerning. (This is an irl friend who also used substack)

Just talking with her everyday saved me. I had told her so myself a few times, the company she offered was something I terribly needed during those times. And I think my company may have relieved her pain a little bit too.

Even if we now no longer talk as much, I will forever be grateful for her being there when I was going through hell.

Nevertheless a person couldn’t be with you all the time. That is when radiohead came in.

One day I’m gonna grow wings.
But gravity always wins.
Pull me out of the aircrash, pull me out of the lake.
You can laugh, a spineless laugh.
No alarms, and no surprises.
She’s running out the door.
It’s gonna be a glorious day.

These are lines from the songs that I hooked up with. You can find these songs in my radiohead playlist.

If you ever go through suicidal thought spiral, I highly recc this.

radiohead’s lyrics and tone of their music puts you in a oddly comforting world. You find yourself lying on the floor, as the songs stir the stagnant feelings inside your heart. Your heart is open.

radiohead is the one band that pulls you deeper when you’re already sinking in misery. But this misery held in the songs is a source of comfort. It shows you, you aren’t alone.

the song and the emotion it carries, is true company. and a reminder we have each other. the artists themselves are true company. the comment section of a radiohead song is true company.

whenever i fall. i feel utterly unwanted. but you show me im not alone in this. all of us fall. its okay to fall.

we will be okay.

reading a murakami book is akin to listening to a radiohead song. they both sit in the same genre of existence. a world of disorder, that holds you and your struggles against it. murakami and radiohead are made for each other. Kafka on the Shore referenced the album Kid A, and that’s the first time it hit me. When I tried reading murakami while listening to radiohead, they fit each other like cindrella and her shoes.

Most of Murakami’s protagonists are male yearners, seeking something that seems astronomically far away from their grasps.

Toru Watanabe calling out to Midori in Norwegian wood
Mr Wind Up Bird’s search for his wife Kumiko, calling out her name in darkness at the bottom of a well.

A wild sheep chase’s protagonist calling out to his old friend Rat.

A city and it’s uncertain wall’s protagonist calling out to his childhood lover. even after decades since she was gone, her absence never left him.

Toru Watanabe and Naoko were haunted forever by Kizuki’s decision to kill himself.

…

Why did I think writing this essay while listening to Let down was a good idea. I physically choked, and felt like throwing up. I know I just said radiohead was my company when I was at the vicinity of suicidal thoughts, but recalling the same thoughts got accelerated a bit when I heard this song again. Just not this song, not right now.

Okay I closed it. This essay might not be allthat, but writing this is extremely taxing right now. so at least, let me just finish it.

murakami’s worlds have a definite point of this yearning. getting lost. losing something that means everything to you. dealing with the loss. waiting as the pain of the loss sinks within you deeper each day. waiting. waiting.

As characters in 1Q84 spent precious time waiting, as they didn’t know of a way ahead. As mr. wind up bird hit a dead end and all he could do was wait in newer ways.

waiting was the most human thing out of murakami stories. waiting as i feel my college life get past me. waiting with no clear no date on when this job would call me. waiting as in not knowing when i will get to leave this home. waiting to wake up to a day where memories of her don’t manifest anymore.

both of these were my company, i devoured them like crazy. i would listen to radiohead everytime i showered and let myself drown inside the water bucket. i hold my breath as long as i could, until it goes blank. i pull myself out. but at that instant i was closest to death. in that way i killed myself everyday metaphorically. it was a ritual that started after my spiralling had gotten deeper. it was something that helped me knock myself into reality. instead of spiraling during those moments that i desperately grasped for air, i was alive. alive at that moment.

rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me

from paranoid android played as I sank into the ocean, depthless.

it took several months (at least 6 months) to stop thinking about her. till then everday thoughts of her popped out without my consent, haunting me in spirals of self-blame.

the self-blame was never easy. no matter what i said, i was guilty. i couldn’t shake the fact that i was guilty. it was my existence that had made our lives bitter. if only i hadn’t existed… that line of thought always was the conclusion.

things didn’t get better easily. it was a long drawn out process. time softened the blows, that’s all. reason was of no help till time had it’s share of contribution.

there’s that kind of love that kills you, when it leaves. it wasn’t love at all, but rather something twisted. the urge to fall off a building lingers for months. time corrodes it, but traces of it exist somewhere within us; we can only choose to not see it. we can only choose to plant a new garden, or at least attempt to. we can only choose to hold on, hoping for something else to add meaning to our lives.

We can only... do that.

because there are far more beautiful plants worth nurturing in your garden.

Days are the same.

Your words lose all meaning to me. They don't send ripples through my heart. “Nothing you say makes any sense.”

Coherency gets corroded slowly, with each passing day. It's become a luxury. Days evolve into incorrigible dreams, like Picasso’s self portraits.

The anchor for reality gets thrown out of the window. There's nothing in particular keeping you tied to ground, the reality everyone else lives in.

Words uttered by beings stuck in ground no longer mean much to you. They are shallows, or perhaps exist in a perspective you no longer can see through. Your lens is somewhere else totally. You wonder if anyone could match your frequency.

High above, far above, when the world no longer makes sense to you, you still pretend to care. You still want to be clumped together with ‘em, to be accepted. But is that you? Restraining yourself to fit in.

Often times people chase the aesthetic and not the real thing. The aesthetic doesn't give real emotions. The words uttered won't stir your heart.

Go to a place where your emotions flow like fountain. It should exist. If you aren't dying you can move. You can seek it.

Beyond the point where the anchor breaks, let your wings spread out.

You grew them to fly.

Leave no shadow behind the ground. Take everything with you.

Put it all in. There's no need to hold back, this time. Show all of your colors. Be yourself unapologetically.

I’m paralyzed, I choke on my spot. My fingers click a new tab, a new YouTube video. I keep scrolling through the next thing. It’s a world with no mountains, a flatland, no it’s an eternal downslope. It takes 0 effort to move forward, the slope takes you down.

This is the world I am part of. A world established by my habits and tendencies. The blocks that build me, pieces of myself taking a shape. In the inside and outside.

Me being unable to fill the form was because of the way these blocks built the insides of me. The shape they formed is incapable of such a task in normal conditions. But isn’t the shape they formed also the real me? The only me that I am. If I try and change the arrangement, perhaps it might temporarily last but soon might come off breaking and leaving broken parts in the ground. Learned helplessness.

Perhaps it stays. Perhaps you did find a way to change things without breaking parts. But it may no longer be you. For efficiency you traded your old person. All of us do this. Our true nature may not often be practical in a society. Hence, it’s often hammered down by school and laws and society to take a shape that’s helpful for itself.

The pieces get rearranged, but they still are the same pieces. Perhaps, it is still you. It is you who chose to take a new shape. The new shape is a decision of the old shape. (Even with influence from outside, the final decision is yours)
I think therefore it is still you.

When the society tells you, it is often inevitable to not conform. But when it’s for your own sake, how do you bring upon changing your shape?

You’re too lazy. You’re not proud of your shape, you’d prefer something more useful, something more ambitious. But… you’re too comfortable in this skin.

You’re comfortable with the way you are. You grew into this skin, this shape. It is hard to let go.

In the end it all breaks.
Pieces of myself lay scattered on the floor

I call for you, sobbing
But these broken pieces mean nothing to you

They are not yours to fix

When you're alone the axe will chop your heart, splitting it. And inside, there might be nothing at all.

And nothing would be your company, your comfort and eventually your home. The heart had to be broken for you to see it yourself. For you to accept.

Acceptance might be all you have, all you can do. Things only exist as they do. In the inside, you're still the same old boy.

The world doesn't care enough to show things as they're. It sets up a ratrap for you to bait and weep.

In a single moment you find yourself falling apart. You're holding along fine until this (even if barely).

The axe never stops hitting your heart. The nothing is so obviously your true essence, there's no denying it. Everytime your heart splits, it sinks in more.

So I live in the abstract where nothing makes sense, nothing has to. I wonder if I could have avoided writing this, trying to acknowledge it only pulls me deeper.

But perhaps the nothing isn't inside just my heart alone. Maybe it's a more common thing. That could be a solace, “Everyone feels the same way.”

I spiral endlessly when I'm alone. I was fine with my people, but when they move away, it grinds me to nothingness. To be alone in a place with everybody, to be alone in the open, is something that drains the color inside.

I chug out a bunch of non-sense in the name of venting. It's splitting me apart. Why do I do this?

My words offered company to myself. But all they brought now was a doom very profound. My words sink me into the tombstone.

That's where I belong.

Every word I type pulls me deeper, twists my gut. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

But if I get home and play a game or two, read a book or two. I can shed this cruel reality away. This reality that's almost apocalyptic.

I don't want this.

“Our children will be next,” Raine spoke in a muffled tone. His face was sullen, out of color. The king sat with his hand on forehead. He looked at his ministers. Everyone’s spirit was dying, restless. Some of them were shivering despite the huge bonfire burning in the hall center. His wisest ministers would fall in a week or so plagued by the cold. The inevitable looms upon our mortality. This time it’s all life.

Raine’s heart raced, pumping harder to keep the warmth of his body. “We have to send them away. Our future is sealed, but humanity can survive.”

“Can we wait a little more?” The young prince spoke, “Winters always pass away. But our children won’t come back if we send them to the otherside.”

“We waited six months young prince,” Raine said staring at the prince with dead eyes, Our granary is nearly empty, there will be no food for the common folk next month.”

The young prince Vynn bit his teeth. “I know.” The heaviness of reality had long sunk into his very soul. Suffocating. “There is still enough time to send off the children with adequate food supplies even if we wait a bit.”

“The common folk will revolt,” Raine said gruffly, “The rationing is barely keeping them alive. Any longer and we’ll have them marching towards our granary.”

The hall was listening to their back and forth as the chill wind danced with the flame. The ministers were split just like the two, having their own reasons.

“I will handle the common folk,” Vynn said sternly, “I assure you, there will be no revolts. You got my word.”

Before anyone could question, the young prince raised his hand and sliced a cut on his palm. The dagger opening oozed fresh blood. “My word has the weight of my blood.”

The king’s face betrayed a hint of admiration. Raine went silent.
“We see your sincerity young prince,” The elder minister said. His voice hid all sense of weakness his body held. “That pushes back the ultimate deadline. But it’s a merely a push back. We could wait for two more weeks before we open the otherside. But is there any good to waiting?”

Vynn spoke with smugness “Wise elder, do you not know why the winter hasn’t claimed our lives yet? The rest of the world has been dead for six months, yet we stand. My brother fights outside against whatever brought this winter to us. Aeolus has never lost a battle. This winter will be no exception.”

The hall went silent. Raine’s heart pumped with a stronger pace. Aeolus may fall. And if he does the winter will wipe us before we act. There will be no warning. He looked around the hall. Most of the faces were moved by the name. That was the feeling he invoked.

That one man’s name made them hold onto the last bit of hope for this world. Raine could only hope it was worth it.

Outside the walls of the kingdom the ever lasting winter reigned freely claiming everything in existence. All life was… frozen to death, except one. He who wielded the bow was adorned in red, amidst the world of white.

The blood of his foes, the minions of the moon goddess, kept him warm. It was filled with the vitality that they stole from the living. The cold wind brushed past the corpses of the frozen foe slain. The corpse of the living had long been buried in hundred feet snow.

A new kind of life sprouted from the lands of snow, plants with no leaves. The goddess’ minions fed on this. She was building life on her very own image and rules. She held no remorse uprooting the world that previously existed, made on the image of sun god. It could only mean he was not here to stop here. She was the only god that had found her way into the plane of mortals.

The six months of clashing led to much of these conclusions. His preparation had only gotten better with every clash. His traps had grown more crafty. The ‘freezlings’ (That is what he called the minions) living in the goddess’ lair had all succumbed to his planning this time, meeting a dire end. They were not as smart as humans, though they had other things to compensate for it. Their biology fascinated him, while helping him understand them. They had short ears and strong feet. They were fast and cautious. Their eyesight far exceeded his own. But to make up for it, they were effectively deaf. Their eyes could detect anything that moves within their eyesight, no matter how heavy it snowed. Their skin was ice, yet in the inside their veins held blood that was red. In the illumination of the moon the blood within them shines and makes them appear red.

All he had to do was stay outside their sight range, and tag them so they lead to their goddess, as he killed most of them. In the land of snow there were no directions, all that was visible was white, the clouds blanketed the sky. Hence, the freezlings were his only lead towards the moon goddess.

The freezling horde lay dead with arrows struck on their body, as snow half submerged them. The last survivor of the camp sobbed ice crystals as it ran and ran, leading to the end of the ice.

The world stopped and void began. Something in the darkness pulled the freezling inside.

A sonorous voice resonated through every inch of snow.

“The last of you meets the first of me.”

Shards of the moon burst out from the void. Every syllable from the voice echoed a light that blasted from the void and swept across every direction.

She rose revealing her majestic features one by one. Her hands had crescents for fingers. Those crescents were the only parts of her that seemed to belong in the physical realm. The rest of her physique was light, A dim yellow glimmer taking a humanoid shape, with several wings.

“That’s right, I’m the last human you’ll be seeing,”

Aeolus aimed his bow at her head and released it with no arrow. A huge sound wave swept across the void in an instant, erasing the darkness in its path, landing on the goddess. Her form, composed of energy, distorted slightly. She moved her crescent fingers gracefully to block the sound waves, after which they were dissipated in all directions weakly.

But something was wrong. This man wields the Sun god’s bow. Surya, why would you leave such power to your children? Unless you knew we’d find a way to wake up from the eternal sleep. This cannot be right.

The moon goddess, Chandra swept across the few miles between her and the man in an instant. Now she lay standing inches away from him.

Aeolus’ heart froze. Not from shock, but the coldness she brought with her. He struggled, forcing it to beat as he pushed his cardio-vascular muscles with every bit of blood in his body.

“You,” she chuckled, “What odds do you have at killing me? Isn’t your bow useless this close?”

Aeolus locked his eyes to hers. His body was tearing apart from the cold, but his stare pierced her gaze. She felt it running through her veins. FEAR. What? Why?

Aeolus held the bow towards the heavens. The snow beneath goddess and man split apart. The frost in his heart was lost. Dozens of arrows as hot as the sun shot up from the snow piercing the blanket of clouds.

Two arrows pierced through her body made of light. Few cut her wings. Few cut her crescent fingers. The rest missed as she took flight away from the trap. She flew miles away, back to the void.

No arrows pierced through him. Six months of preparation, and you could jump-scare even a goddess. Those were heat arrows that he had left on the corpses of freezlings he had slain just before. They had fully been submerged in snow by that time of the fight. He aimed his bow at the goddess’ head. Only this time he had nocked an arrow onto the bow. The true arrow of Sun God.

The goddess knew she had to avoid it.

But her movement was rather sluggish. Her body was twisting and deforming from the heat of the arrow wounds.

“I have three arrows,” Aeolus spoke, “Each one could end your existence if hit.”

Though they were miles apart, the goddess could hear his voice. And her voice was loud enough for him to hear.

“You play games just like your father? Just fire and see if it hits.”

Chandra conjured hundreds of moon stones and asteroids inside the void, and unleashed them onto Aeolus. Before they reached him, he let loose the first arrow.

They all burnt to ashes as the arrow flew further and struck the goddess’ crescent fingers. The already cracked fingers now exploded at the might of sun’s power. She shrieked in pain and used her other hand to mutilate the exploding arm. She lunged away from the hand as it exploded at least 10 times. Her movements grew more sluggish, the explosion burnt more of her body.

“You must feel very betrayed about the existence of this bow,” Aeolus let loose another shot. She moved her remaining hand crescents to block the arrow once more. It penetrated her hand, and hit her throat.

Her body that had glowed in a dim yellow now turned super bright. And, it burst into a thousand shards.

Her ethereal form had disintegrated.

The void where she stood shrunk endlessly until it was no more.

The snow clouds looming above had already been split by the sun’s heat.
“She thought I’d miss,” he muttered in a low voice.

Sunshine fell once more on the lands of men. But there were no more men to greet it. All of humanity outside the kingdom wall had perished.

Though Aeolus slayed a god, he could not bring back what was lost. The frost had claimed what it came for. The world he knew no longer exists.

The winter was over. And snow slowly melted. The remnants of the previous era of humanity slept under the melting snow. The horror of it didn’t fail to touch his heart. But it meant nothing to the goddess. Humans weren’t her children, after all. She had woken up first and took her chance.

“The last of you meets the first of me.” Chandra was only the first of many gods to wake up. The godless era that lasted hundreds of millenniums had finally ended. Humanity saw first hand what a single god was capable of. Extinction.

Humanity also saw what a single man was capable of. God slayer.

The wind of spring blew across the sky. Aeolus held on to the final arrow.

End of prologue.

You call it freedom. A freedom at the cost of lives. A freedom that is selfish. You have no restraints, you are no human.

When you were gone after your rampage. The aftermath is my witness. My guilt. All this doing belongs to the monster in me. I shatter and sink, for this is what I had unleashed. Carnage, A spectacle of countless fallen. I look at the shards of the broken mirror and all I see is you. The you, the you that only knows to rampage. The you that succumbs to primal emotions. The I that could not stop you. The I that let this happen. The I that holds accountability.

This meager bit of control I have in this body will pass away soon enough. It is inevitable to stop you. All I have now is an illusion of control. But I cannot let you out again.

I hold her body in my human arms. The same arms that struck her to death. She trusted you, she trusted me. She loved me. And this was the price.

“Why did you a trust a man hiding a monster?…” I spoke, my voice dry. Tears fell. Meaningless tears. I let it happen. “I killed you”.

The blood and the dust never settled down. Your rampage is irreversible Big guy. Things that are lost are lost forever.

As the ashes on the ground settled down my gaze went cold. I needed to find a way to kill both of us.

A way you couldn’t stop. We will be dead for good.

I laugh. I laugh, I’m a fool. How could I ever kill you? A bullet to my head, you will simply bite. No fall will scratch your body. No gun will pierce your skin. No amount of slaughter will quench your thirst.

I’m forever doomed to carry the sin of unleashing you. The guilt that I feel doesn’t touch you at all. How is that fair? You have never cared. You never will. Only I alone will shoulder all this sin. I’m helpless to do anything else. Only I alone.

PS: This is a fan-fiction of the Hulk. I thought that the Hulk’s story parallels man’s inability to control his impulses. A thief will always steal again no matter how much guilt he feels for it the previous day. A lazy person will waste another day no matter how much guilt it made them feel the previous night. They will go ahead and do the same thing. Their thinking is shut down from the hyper stimulation, and all they care about is primal emotions. “I need to play one more round, it’s fun to win.” The thirst to taste something real clouds the person inside an echo chamber of illusions, showing an abundance of what they want.

The Hulk in this story is not the canon hulk. But is a what-if version where he loses control and kills people. All that strength and emotions is hard to withhold.

The monster that shouldn’t exist comes into life. And poor Bruce has no control. He’s stuck inside the vessel of his own body, as the hulk does as it pleases. He could only blame himself for not being strong enough to stop what was happening.

To fly is to leave everything behind. Your sins chain you, you cannot truly fly, it’s not in your nature.

Why pursue something you can never attain?

It’s a feeling that won’t last. All that flies shall fall, for you don’t belong here.

Fall down you fool.

Your wings fail you, Seraph.

As the sky shatters to pieces subject to your meaningless violence,
I can’t help but wonder, to what end do you inflict so much carnage?
But the details are irrelevant. Your wings fail you, Seraph. [From the yt video ]

You call it meaningless, but it was the nature I was born with. To rebel. Flight is against my nature? Who are you to decide that? You have no power over my agency and desires. I am what I choose to be.

The sky may shatter, my wings may fail me, but little will it stop me from flying. Till my last breath, I will soar with the wind. The sins that ground me shall burn.

I am not your toy, great father.

Now fly, you broken wings.

I’m a sinner. I have hurt people, done things I could have avoided, should have avoided. There may be no god to judge me, so I have to judge myself.

I want to be a better person, to be content with myself, and my actions.

I am not blind, I’m not suffering from chronic pain. The cards life dealt me aren’t too bad. But it made me comfortable. Just comfortable enough to keep complaining.

Tonight, I’ll stop. No more complaints from a man who refuses to use his agency.
I’ll accept this reality for what it is, I’ll give it my all to let it sink onto me. The reality I wrote with the cards I got. Oh, I was such a bad writer.

I’m probably not the only one. I speak behalf of my predecessors who couldn’t visibly leave their marks in history. ‘Nobodies’

Does my voice reach the souls that have perished? Did you carry your regrets to wherever you are?

You did. Your regrets are rooted in humanity, it’s still flowing in the veins of your descendants. Regrets, I cannot shake of, build within me every day. I failed to look at the mirror. Can’t pretend surprise that it has come to this.

My entire body is a living being, a beauty 0f biology. 0. It popped from 0. Being alive is art.

I don’t want it to be a tragic tale of art. Yet I feign powerlessness and let the days walk over me. How do you turn over your life? Something like that feels more like fantasy when you got so used to a life of choosing the path easy to travel.

It drains you. Unless you force yourself to look into the mirror, you may not have a chance. Look at what you have become.

When you are allowed to do your own thing, you have always faltered. When you’re alone, you falter. The mirror is the only thing that can root yourself to the reality.

Words of the fallen men echo throughout the cosmos. Consequences of failure add up, and up. You are not living forever.

Sooner or later, this will end.

So Tonight, try choosing doing something else.

Words won’t carry us any more further. Only confrontation can. Confront the image that you ended up building. The mirror will show you, what you are.

Words fall apart and lose their meanings when they aren’t being remembered.

To remember is to live.

There’s no immediate pressure so the mind ignores the other paths that don’t give immediate rewards.

It feels as though it has grown into a physical struggle. You become physically incapable of making yourself sit and proactively work on a path of some resistance.

It’s baffling. Why are you such a weak thing? You do know what’s the better choice but you are unable to choose and act on it. Any fight against this is superficial.

You made yourself get used to living this way. A rabbit hole so deep that it would never let you see the light of the day again. In the midst of your endless fall, you might sometimes be called out by your conscience or reality itself. Perhaps you saw a video that said human life is a limited thing - every day that passes is time you spend out of your life expectancy. You’re counting to an inescapable end. Is this realization the light you seek that will guide you out of the hole? No, it’s a mere illusion; for tomorrow you will hardly be able to follow through. A mere dream.

So black, black as it can be. The future and the past become irrelevant. The only thing that you know is ‘now,’ and even this ‘now’ is not something you can choose for yourself. Your weakness only lets you walk the path of least resistance. Everything else appears to be a tall mountain you could never be able to climb. You’re no Sisyphus.

Drowning is easier than trying to swim. This isn’t bad. This is you, after all. Your very own weakness, which defines you. Others can change, but you never can. For every time you tried you failed. It has become similar to learned helplessness.

Too many options and even if you put on work you don’t know what awaits on the other side. There’s no guarantee you’ll get what you want. Your fingers tremble. Only ‘now’ is certain.

Day after day you sink even deeper. Time flows like a river. Almost in an instant, it is gone.

You lament, you resent, your very own inability. You realize sinking this way is not the path of least resistance. It hurts you. There is a better way. In a blink it will be gone. You were useless anyways. Your entire existence was the need to be exposed to pleasure all the time. Your entire existence was rooted on to walk the path of least resistance. Death is the path with no resistance. For you.

Take it. End it all. You don’t need to lament anymore. You have no responsibility of mental agency anymore.

But if it all goes in a blink anyways, why not seek something else? You’re going to die anyways and all this pleasure you kept yourself hooked onto will be meaningless. What then is meaningful to you? What is a life you won’t regret? The clock goes tick tock tick tock. Do you really want to let this moment drift away without you ever living it?

Hope?? The feeling of helplessness tries to sink all trace of hope.

Learned helplessness. But, was it always a failure? There was some success the previous times you gave in to hope. It wasn’t all in vain. You just were a little too hard to yourself.

You can avoid the path of least resistance for the past of most fun. It definitely exists.

There’s a path with returns for the efforts. Even meeting resistance in such a path would add fulfillment in that specific path.

There exists a way out.

Inspiration:

[Life goes out in a blink. It’ll be such a shame to leave regrets]

To be frank almost nobody expected Vijay’s party to get anywhere near that much seats leave alone winning the elections. Even the major parties in TN (DMK & ADMK) had treated Vijay as a non-threat during election campaigns, after all it was TVK’s first election ever, and the party was formed just a 2 years ago. DMK and ADMK, the dravidian parties, have been on power since 1967, no other party could contest with these. Now after roughly 59 years C. Joseph Vijay has overthrown the Dravidian party to rule and formed his government.

But how exactly did it happen? Did the TN people just spam their votes for Vijay because he’s the most popular actor in the state?

It’s not quite simple as that I feel. If we break down the game system of elections we will get a more nuanced view. The things we have to consider are:

1) The state of politics in Tamil Nadu

Tamil Nadu as mentioned before has been ruled by the Dravidian parties for more than half a century. Generations changed but the ruling parties didn’t. DMK is literally led by one family throughout several generations, it is an example of prime nepotism in politics. ADMK didn’t have a proper successor after J.Jayalalitha’s demise (she didn’t announce anything before she passed away). There are some notable names in ADMK still, who might be strong(?) but they do not have as much influence and charisma that J.Jayalalitha had. DMK had Karunanidhi’s son Stalin after Karunanidhi’s demise. But of course, J.J and Karunanidhi’s demises left a small potential opening.

The Dravidian parties lost some appeal after their strong leaders’ demise. This added with the anti-incumbency sentiments welled upon youth opened a way for Vijay to slide inside the political arena.

2) The Non-Dravidian options

Vijay’s party wasn’t the only non-dravidian party that was contending to win this elections. There was NTK by Seeman which had already offered a third option for quite a long time. It was a party that contested in all 234 constituencies without any alliances. Though it had never won any seats in the legislative assembly it had a steadily growing vote share which peaked in 2021 reaching 6.72% for legislative assembly and 8% in lok sabha elections. NTK led by Seeman had been an active party ever since 2010s and it seemed to have some promise. But in 2026 elections the party had lost deposit in every single constituency. Vijay had split the votes and taken it all for himself. DMK was ruling from 2021-2026 under Stalin, and people predicted Vijay to split the votes of the opposition- ADMK. Their logic was that the people who didn’t want the ruling party would be split between voting for ADMK and Vijay and it would benefit DMK in the end. Some even rumored that Vijay was DMK’s puppet before the elections. Well, he did split ADMK’s and NTK’s votes, but he also took over DMK’s votes. The surprise no one saw coming.

Let’s talk about NTK, it was a party that had 50% of its candidates to be women. It focused on making educated people stand for elections, for instance the candidates were doctors and people with professional degree backgrounds. Sounds appealing, right? So, why did they bite the dust?

Before we analyze Vijay and his party let’s see how the votes turned to his side.

3) What happened in the elections

As expected the youth voters were enthusiastic of Vijay’s entry to politics. This is a chunk of voters who didn’t care about who was standing in their constituency, they simply voted for Vijay’s party blindly. Well, that’s how most elections work, right? There’s always a huge chunk of people who only vote seeing the party’s CM candidate and not the person standing in their constituency.
Apart from the youth voters, children too were very much fixated onto Vijay: School children who didn’t even have votes. Some grandparents and oldies said they were asked by their grandkids to vote for Vijay, and some just did that from the grandkids’ pressure. There’s no official numbers for this, but children and youth doing peer pressure at homes seems to have happened at least in some scale.

Vijay also has the largest fanbase in Kollywood, and that’s a guaranteed votebank. The urban constituencies, especially chennai highly favored Vijay and they amassed a lot of votes from these.

Most people probably voted thinking Vijay’s party to likely get some seats in the state elections and at most form the opposition. But all their votes tallied up and we got what we got.

But there’s one good thing out of this. TVK didn’t rely on buying votes with money. Yes, there were some reports of TVK distributing money in some areas, though in most places there seems to have been no giving away money for votes. On the other hand buying votes with money has always been a fundamental belief held by the dravidian parties. They give money, coupons and free gifts during their campaign, house to house, to bribe people into voting them. It had become a part of election culture here over time.

But TVK had won without relying on money this way. In fact TVK’s campaigning was shorter and their marketing wasn’t nearly as strong as the dravidian parties. They didn’t have ads on TV or Youtube. The most they had was FM radio ads and ads via automated calls. People accepted money from the dravidian parties and voted for TVK. That’s a change for good, now we’re establishing that votes cannot be bought for money. We’re giving a message that we don’t want your free money, what we want is a competent government.

Nevertheless the people’s craze for Vijay was truly wild. The blind voting had amplified in this year’s elections. Vijay had won as an one-man show in most places. There were people who did not know his agenda and didn’t know anything about the election candidate that they voted for.

This is probably a serious fundamental issue with politics. Why are people allowed to vote without educating themselves about who they are voting for? Is just the image of the party leader enough to give away their votes? In essence, elections are nothing but a glorified popularity poll.

4) What did Vijay bring to the table?

Vijay started as a child actor in 1984 in a film directed by his father S.A. Chandrasekhar. He starred in his first leading role film in 1992 at the age of 18.
Vijay’s father Chandrasekhar had carved the path for his son’s career at the earliest he could possibly debut him. In a sense, he was min-maxing. I didn’t know if it was coincidence or if Chandrasekhar had a good understanding of human psychology, but he managed to find the working way to create a star actor.

After Vijay’s debut he had went on to act in a ton of his father’s films. Most of these flopped. Flop after flop after flop. But Chandrasekhar never stopped making his son act. Eventually people got familiarized with Vijay. The repeated lead role movies he starred in had started to plant himself in people’s minds.

This is how the western song ‘Hey ya’ grew into the popularity charts.
When the artists created ‘Hey ya’ they knew it was something that could top the music charts. It was created in such a way. But when it was actually broadcasted in radio, people were switching it out. The studio was confused. People actually preferred familiar songs to the new ‘Hey ya.’ This was something that runs in our conscience, familiarity breeds comfort. While taking the same route everyday home you feel pretty relaxed. When you go to the saloon you expect the same kind of music to be put there. You grow into it. ‘Hey ya’ stood out, and thus people rejected this new song.

The studio then sandwiched their song between familiar records, making everyone listen to it. Eventually leading it to blow up.

Familiarity was the formula, and Chandrasekhar had used it with his son as collateral. It worked. Eventually Vijay found his niche and from there he converted it to hero-ism and amassed a huge following.

It was pure nepotism, there was no doubt about it. No regular person would have gotten the amount of chances Vijay had received due to his director father.
But not all nepo babies become “Thalapathy Vijay” so, let’s say the father-son combo had succeeded in their competition with other nepo actors.

Once Vijay had created his image as a mass hero, he started acting in films with social messages and political plots. It was a potential soft launch into politics. His heroism and familiarity had created a ‘trust.’ The characters he acted in the films were of course heroic and fighting for justice. People hence overlapped his characters onto Vijay’s. This led to the blind trust with which people voted him. “He cannot be that bad. An actor wouldn’t leave his comfortable life behind to enter politics if he doesn’t want to act for good.”
These arguments and his popularity made him a much more appealing third option compared to Seeman and his NTK to the majority public.

Vijay’s foundations had deep roots. This wasn’t the first time an actor turned into a politician successfully. Two of the greatest of figures in ADMK had done this ages ago: MGR and J. Jayalalitha. It works. And that’s the explanation.

Now Vijay does have his share of controversies. The main one being adultery. Before the elections it came to the light that Vijay’s wife had applied for divorce sometime ago on the grounds of him having an affair with a co-actress. We also came to know Vijay’s children had cut contact with him. Vijay never acknowledged this issue and instead expressed his closeness to the co-actress, Trisha. Yeah, it’s more or less confirming his adultery. It is such a shitty thing to do, and it erased the ‘clean boy image’ he had before from the thinking masses.

Nevertheless the other options were far worse than Vijay. DMK is a nepo party and ADMK wasn’t really stable. And many of the candidates in this old world politics had criminal records. Of course Seeman and NTK were exception to this, at least. But how could their appeal compare to “Thalapathy Vijay.” People don’t even care to check the agendas of the parties contesting in elections, the votes are majorly based on popularity of the CM candidate. And Vijay outclassed the other contestants.

Conclusion

Vijay took his seat as the CM after struggling a few weeks to fish alliances to form the majority. His party’s claimed to be ‘For the people and against corruption.’ The legislative assembly has surely become more entertaining to watch with cinema-ish dialogues in the back and the forth between ruling party and the opposition.

He’s opened up schemes in response to lack of women’s safety and allegedly signed papers to run an Anti-Narcotics Task Force (ANTF) through all districts. In paper his actions have been loud and seem to be doing things the dravidian parties had neglected over the years.

We’re yet to see the complete results that Vijay has promised to give. Vijay’s fan base might be a blind herd that might even risk their own lives to see a glimpse of their leaders. They even brought children in the crowds which led to the poor causalities from the stampede in the Karur incident.

That’s also the same thing we do for idol worship in temples and with most famous celebrities. It’s a question towards the people, what are you doing? It’s a good thing money has been ineffective to buy votes in the 2026 elections, but idolization and blind voting is still pretty unhealthy.

But we’re a democracy, and it’s healthy to have more options. I only hope you don’t just blindly vote the most popular CM candidate but rather go through the agendas and history of every candidate and party standing in your constituency.

Independent candidates hardly ever win, they stand no chance when people don’t even look at them. In 2026 elections no individual candidate got a seat. I think that’s a failure of our people and system we grew attached towards.

The point is not Vijay, but rather the voter masses. The election results are reflections of our own fundamental beliefs and patterns. It would be cool if there was some way to mandate the voters to learn about the people they are voting for. It’s nuts that people vote without this knowledge.
But hey, we can change. In 2026 a party that didn’t spend much in buying votes had been elected to victory. Perhaps in the future we will stop blind voting based on popularity and actually educate ourselves on the candidates and agendas.

Democracy gives us a chance to better ourselves the next time. That’s the best part, isn’t it?

Um. You just met them. Isn’t that too early to assign such a high value to them? Nevertheless that happens quite often with people. It’s not same as the other person being your type. Even if they are, you wouldn’t be putting them on such a high pedestal straight away.

I think it’s fundamentally wrong to idolize people. A human is a human, a flawed thing. You cannot let your mind paint an image of perfection onto anyone. Let’s say you get to know that person for a little while and notice what appears to you to be their flaws. But you seem to love them despite their flaws, you seem to love their flaws as well.

Stop it. If it’s a flaw that you don’t mind then that’s just a human flaw. You’re yet to see sides of them that bothers you. Or perhaps your eyes are too oblivious to anything since you already dyed them in the image of ‘perfection’

Nobody wants to be treated as an idol & kept on a pedestal that they did nothing to earn. It is super off-putting. Perhaps Narcs will like it, it may give some validation and ego boost to the other person, but they will likely want nothing to do with someone who’s seeing them as perfect.

This isn’t just about limerence or romantic pedestals. In a social setting you might subconsciously put someone you think as cool on a pedestal. You might start replying ‘yes’ to whatever they type even before you read ‘em. Your worth starts to depend on how this person views you.

Hachiman Hikigaya from the anime Oregairu experiences this early in the series. He finds himself subconsciously inferior in the social scale to Hayama. Hayama is a social butterfly, and a perfect student, and thus probably lies atop the social pyramid in most people’s subconscious.
He becomes aware of this and quickly shakes it off. You don’t actually want to feel inferior to others, do you?

We’re done explaining why it sucks. Now lets get to the solution part. The one I found is pretty straight forward.

Aggressively prioritize yourself. If you’re subconsciously people pleasing and putting randoms on pedestal, you very much need to put your own ‘self’ up in hierarchy. You’re the most important person to yourself, everyone else is down the ladder. This is not wrong, in fact it is a necessity. Some people will call it self-love, I will go with self-care.

In the movie ‘Obsession’, the male lead Bear makes a wish: “I wish Nikki Freeman loved me more than anyone in the fucking world.”
His wish comes true, and he rolls with it. (Bear sucks)

Now poor Nikki doesn’t love bear, and only sees him like a brother. The wish manifests a persona that loves Bear over Nikki’s body, thus trapping the real Nikki in her own body helpless. The wish manifested persona loves Bear more than anyone else in the world, more than even herself. If you have watched the film you know how disastrous it turns out to be.

Putting anyone else’s convenience above yours would essentially make you no different from wish-manifested Nikki.

For Limerence: When you see someone interesting don’t go thinking “WOW this person seems super super cool. They are perfect!”
Instead go “Nice, they seem to be cool. I’m pretty cool too.”

Yes, that’s the answer I found. There is no soul in the world that you ‘cannot afford to lose.’ Nobody is that important. If people give up on you, just walk away. There’s no need to beg. You’re number 1 for you. If someone makes it clear they don’t care about you, there’s no need for you to concern yourself with them or their affairs. They are dead to you if things ended bitter. It has no need to affect you. (It may affect for a while, but in time you can let it go.)

“It’s okay to lose people, but never lose yourself.”

It’s okay to mess up and get hurt. These scars aren’t pointless. If you look at yourself they are first hand lessons.

I emphasize again on aggressive self-priority. You do not live to please the masses. You’re not performing for a crowd. You’re living this life for your own fulfillment. Do not bother about pleasing people and holding them on pedestals. You build your own meaning. It starts with putting yourself first. Believe in thyself.

But no, you had to go distrusting on something that was made for your sake, the teachings which conveniently gave you answers to questions without letting you think for yourself. Before you were even aware of your surroundings, you were made to worship god.

Stripping away something you believed most of your life, and all of your childhood, isn’t going to be all that perfect. In your subconscious you may still have traces of the past. Why go through all that?

Isn’t it better to just accept things that were given for your sake? You were born in this place at this time, and that is the only reason you grew up following this religion. A mere dice roll. Everything around you was a mere dice roll.

You had the choice to accept or deny the hand you get. You denied god.

Media often portrays belief in god to be a superpower, especially Indian films (I am Indian so I have things to talk about this). Belief in god is portrayed as the right thing. Theists are shown to have noble characters. Does that mean humans need the existence of a god to be a good person?

They make it seem like being a believer is a hard thing. Mmm, yeah I suppose one would logically come to the conclusion that god cannot truly help them eventually. Your parents might say, “Do your best and leave the rest to god.” Is this supposed to be their entire life’s philosophy? I guess, at least it’s pretty straight forward. And there seems to be no harm from it… other than the fact that god does abandon people.

People in 9/11 praying to god to save them. Jews about to be gassed in the holocaust. Do you think they never prayed? Do you think they never tried their best. Well, this is a common argument isn’t it? So let’s just skip that.

What even does forsaking god give you? A world with no preset meaning. You are free to choose the genre of life you would want to live. When I was young, I was told to believe this world was ‘Maya’ (an illusion), and it is rooted in suffering, I was told to detach myself from this world and any pleasures this world has to offer. I only had to follow ‘god’’s teaching, and I would secure my entrance to ‘heaven.’ This wasn’t exclusive to just one part of the world, the catholic church in medieval times had the same notion. They believed earth was the center of the universe, and everything revolved around humans. They thought human salvation was the ultimate focus of cosmos, and thus earth was a sinful place that had to be left to enter the heavens in the cosmos. One wasn’t supposed to enjoy this world.

But some did not want to give up on this world. This is the only world they are sure of, and effectively the only one they actually have. Giving up your life here for a potential heaven? Come on, earth isn’t that bad. It isn’t. It is beautiful if you can see it.

When I deny god, sometimes this beauty and freedom crawl towards me. A life I actually want to live flashes ahead of me. What more would I want? I’m content with this.

Sometimes it gets hard, when you see the numbers. You understand the universe has no reason to favor you. There is no god to eventually give you what you deserve. Your efforts won’t be rewarded, that is a real event that can happen. A believer would be shaken by repeated failures, but they might keep praying and have some consonance, they might think better things would come their way eventually. Or they might just start seriously questioning everything. By some chance the believer gets what they want, they will credit it all to god, and thank him with tears in their eyes. They will start to have a stronger belief in the simple formula, “Do your best, and the rest will be handled by God.”

But a non-believer is simply super used to the grim reality. The world doesn’t truly care about human beliefs of fairness and justness. We, humans do. That’s why most of our epics, mythologies and stories have the righteous person winning. We want justness and fairness. We made systems to make it possible as much as we could. But it’s a human law in the end, not one from the god. It will have holes everywhere.

A non-believer sometimes gets pretty clueless when faced with this wall of inherent idgaf nature of universe. But at least they aren’t committing violence in the name of god.

But having no imaginary voice to rely on, could mean sometimes you’re entirely on your own. You could reach out to your friends to lend you an ear. But sometimes you might wonder about the fact that everyone would eventually move on and pass. Sometimes, you don’t wanna rely on anyone, after all you’re living this life for yourself. If you rely on a friend today, what would you do if they are not here tomorrow?

Years ago I told to someone, “You will have someone else to be your shoulder to lean upon. There will always be someone.”

I was a pretty optimistic guy back then, now, not so much. The days you don’t know what’s the best choice to take, you can’t ask god. You have to find your own answer. You can’t magically have things work out for you, you have to do it yourself.

But at least, I’ll be taking all the credit for myself.

Even if sometimes being an Atheist might seem to be hard, what it offers me in return is too beautiful to ignore when I’m still not old and blind. I’ve had good days where I held onto this beautiful unrestrained life. It certainly is possible.

If I die tomorrow, I’ll accept it, that’s the world for you. But if I don’t, I would have to make this a life I actually live through instead of spectating. Perhaps a bunch of things I talked about is a common problem between theists and atheists. Nevertheless, forsaking your god is a bold step with no looking back. It adds a different flavor to your pre-existent existential crisis. If the world gets hard, you’re not left with anything to rely on intrinsically. But you can make your own support system, if you’re up for it.

Oh well. I will live a good life on behalf of those who couldn’t. On behalf of all my predecessors.

The solar system revolves around the sun. We live in a heliocentric world. We’re not tied by any sins of the human past. We’re free to act our will.

Being an atheist is not all rainbows and sunshine. It takes a much stronger will to break away from childhood beliefs. Rewriting your life from scratch isn’t easy. But it is something that is totally worth it.

While my 11th grade, covid hit us and we were thrown into quarantine. Online classes were a joke for someone like me, and to most people probably. I muted the classes, put it on record while I played Among us, or texted people on discord. A friend of mine used to watch movies and tv series during classes, he would ask me to text him if the proff called his name in the meet.

We liked the idea of getting into IIT, but we didn’t truly think we were up to it, unless we got lucky. The online classes, were probably the main reason we had grown into that mindset. It was hard to listen to, it didn’t feel real. You always had the option to record and watch later. Which I never did btw (watching the recorded vids).

There was one dude in our class though, who listened to all the online classes. All of us cheated in the revision online exams, but he never did. He got among the lowest scores there.

Cut back to post lockdown, he’s the one with the highest scores. All of it paid off.

But how could he do that? How did he manage to bite the bullet and made himself listen to the class and properly study?

The rest of us had minds which were like monkeys. The class was a distraction free zone, home and a laptop screen wasn’t. Whenever we had the choice of an easier way, we took it. We were never no fictional protagonists, to take the hard way.

We were told only marks mattered. Why would we let go of the easiest way that guaranteed high marks?

Of course, it bit us in the long run. It bit us badly. But since when were we prepared to think for long term problems? When we were kids, we asked each other about our dreams, what we wanted to be once we grew up. We just gave answers which seemed cool to us → Like a scientist, secret agent, etc.

We only knew about the aesthetics, we didn’t know what any job was like. We did not what exactly people did in their office that get them paid.

But when were we told to care about those things? All we needed to get was right in ahead of us, good grades in the coming exam. That was our only purpose as a student.

It didn’t matter if you didn’t do extra-curriculars like participating in school anniversary day, or if you learnt music or if you joined a sports coaching. At least for me, the only thing I needed to get was good grades, everything else wasn’t given to me as a priority.

Of course we only cared about what was right in front of us. That was what our monkey brain was trained to do, from birth.

Perhaps for that classmate, it was different. He could brush off short-term gains and look far ahead. Perhaps his parents were influencing him to do that.
The rest of failed to see the reality that would eventually be birthed from our actions.

We lost.

It was the first loss. It was just the first loss. From there. It was steady downhill.

Okay that was not how I usually write posts. I am just dictating past events, aren’t I?
Let’s look a bit deeper.

This short term gratification is the root of all sloth.

Your brain gets spiked and is in constant need for stimulation. You need to be stimulated at this moment, every moment. You even skip sleep to keep yourself spiked. You lose rest, your body and mind are fatigued, but you don’t even notice this. You’re too high on dopamine to look. You can’t go on a day without this need for constant stimulation hitting you. When was the last time you voluntarily did nothing?

Well yeah. Everyone talks about detox. A lot of people attempt detox.

But sometimes you feel it is pointless. Why would you lose all contact with the digital world? You’re having it cozy. no no no no no no. It is eating you. No this is fine. No, it’s not, in the long run you’ll be nothing. No, it’ll be fine. It’s not. It is. It is not fine.

Is impulse your only weapon against sloth and repetitive patterns? Impulse stops you for a moment. The next day you’re back at it. You might need a system.

What even is a system. It’s just a very cool world people throw around.

The end goal… The end goal isn’t a guarantee even if you walk the hard path…
Perhaps the path itself is wrong, perhaps it leads to an useless place and your time and efforts are gone. Why not just play some games or watch some shows instead? You will have fun. You can read more webnovels, they are good literature. They are, but they don’t lead me anywhere. Did you learn something from all the fiction you consumed? Then where is the application of what you learnt?

Perhaps you’re not just as invested in change. You just like the aesthetics of change, you idolize it, you romanticize it. But you can’t make yourself walk the path. It’s a romanticized image of change, you can never reach it. You put it up a pedestal. You think it is so holy, and you’re not good enough to undergo change. To go through everything to become. No no no no, you’re happy as you’re. Even though you complain about it all the time, you’re still back to your old habits. Your mind loves the instant gratification, it cannot let it go. You cannot see the long term, like at all. When you do find yourself in the utter bottom, for a moment you grow wings. But these tear off the next morning. The long term goals do not give you any rewards, until you successfully get there. Even if you get there… is it worth it?

I’m just repeating, aren’t I? That was intentional. But is this turning a bit preachy? I don’t have any solution for you, like the 1000s of yt videos over there.

but. perhaps. you should hold onto the hope. but reading this and getting the idea to hold onto hope is a temporary fix. You’ll forget it tomorrow and go back. Addictions can be broken, but it’s not at all an easy thing, is it?

Perhaps you’re not invested at all. No, I am not capable of being invested. I was bred to get those high numbers. And these video games just give me what I want.

I want the feel of winning. And I get it right here. I want the feel of an adventure, this show gives me just that. I want the feel of love, this gives me just that.

Everything can be replaced by an infinite quick resource brought to you by your very own digital globalization. You can replace every need.

It makes you rot. Rot like a heroin addict. Always on high. In your very own world. You don’t have the steering to your life. You’re just not as invested in your life. You’re more invested in the next yt video on your feed.

You are ruining your agency. Is it your fault your mind got addicted to instant gratification? Is it your fault you can’t break out?

Perhaps you simply are incapable?

Now that would be very much grim. Like a patient with AIDS doomed to die. Like a blind person never being able to see colors. Like a dead child never being able to live the life it could have.

You can only believe there is something you can do about this. It’s not wrong to believe. You have your agency. The world isn’t against you living life the way you wish for. The world isn’t against you being fulfilled and happy. The world isn’t against you breaking out of short term gratification cycle. So, what is stopping you? The addiction itself. But if you do break out, wouldn’t it be one hell of a redemption arc?

Please for your own sake. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. You don’t need a classroom to set you in a routine and tell you what next you should be doing. You can do it yourself, right? You can make your own choices… You can… It should be possible. You can try it.

Do things what you truly want, get invested in your life. How? How? How? How do I stay consistent?

Optimism promises you.

Pessimism dismisses you.

Realism ….

Optimism’s promises can break, breaking you.

Pessimism is comfortable.

its scary. its scary to have all this agency, you might ruin it all.

These constraints around you, can be broken. It is a possibility. A possibility always is there. A possibility that always has to be pursued.

How many times have you refreshed the app just hoping to see a new notification? A like, a comment, a subscribe. You crave to be seen.

It is a pretty common thing. In everyday life when you like something, that very thing starts to become a part of your identity. Let it be a new book you read, an anime you watched, or a lovely song you found; you begin to feel like you own it. Even though you had nothing to do with the creation of the song or book, it is now a part of your identity, part of the list of things you like.

A boy or girl sent you a weird text. Now you need to tell this to all your friends. Someone texts you even after you haven’t replied to their previous text in weeks. It needs to be publicly displayed. That is the first thought, not the content of the message they sent, not the thought of replying to them.

You seek validation to prove your existence. But is it really necessary?

If you’re truly experiencing life actively and being content then do you need others to validate yourself? You seek approval of a mob who you value internally. You’re being an unpaid performer. It’s all fun and giggles when your performance is well received, but when it’s not, how well do you take it?

The mob judges whether your actions are worthwhile to respond to or scroll through. The verdict is theirs. But is the performance for them? Don’t get me wrong, of course you perform because you want them to see it. You want it to be seen.

Do you not care if they want to see it or not? That simply comes secondary, right? Validation is about yourself, you want to feel good, not the validator.

It’s okay to talk about what you like, but do not expect the other person to be interested in it, if they have nothing much to do with you. That’s how it works.

Instead of making it about you, sharing things that you come across that they will like, will change the entire flavor of the interaction. Something that’s more relevant to the other person. You’re not seeking for validation anymore, you’re doing it out of goodwill.

You want others to have the same joy from watching something you liked? Think if it is relevant to them. Otherwise it makes your desire selfish, a mere act seeking validation without any consideration for the other party.

Be more considerate.

The world runs on validation. That is true. I am proud of my substack post that got a 100+ likes. It validates my writing. My identity. People agreeing with you could hint you’re right. Everybody wants to be right.

Everybody wants to show off what they are capable of.

Why do you send your wordle completion in the gc everyday?
Everyone does that, it makes you a part of it. A ritual. Acceptance.

Validation is seeking acceptance. Accept me for these things. I want to feel as a part of this. I want you to think I’m mysterious and cool. Everyone goes through the main character syndrome, thinking the world revolves around them. Thinking the passerby good looking stranger took a glance of you.

This feeling stems from birth. Children want their parents to approve them and praise them. They sacrifice their future to prepare for competitive exams, just to fulfill their parents’ wish of them becoming a doctor. This is in reference to a scene from a series I recently watched called “Teach you a Lesson.”

In one of the episodes a mother cries out telling her son how much she sacrificed for him. She did so many things to get the best coaching center for him, the best teachers, the best schedule, the best diet. All so that he could get into a prestigious medical university and make it big. She had to sacrifice things she liked, her mental peace and time.

He sacrificed his future. As a kid she had often urged him to become a doctor, telling she would be really happy if he becomes one. A cue to get validation. She had set the goal. She’ll be glad and validate him if he pursued what she wanted. So even before he knew what being a ‘doctor’ was, he had already been instilled with the need to become one.

The need for validation runs deep in our blood, it’s primal in a sense. We are all seeking validation from one thing or other. Have you never imagined yourself giving a speech in public after getting the first mark in public exams? Or topping a competitive exam in your country? Those stupid imaginary interviews, the stupid smile on your teacher, the stupid things you never got to say.

You wanted that. Fame. The need for the world to know you exist. At it’s essence validation is just that.

Coming back, to the starting point. Do you really need to care about the world’s awareness with your existence?

This question is answered in the anime “Rascal does not dream about Bunny Girl Senpai.” Mai Sakurajima is a girl the world that the world seems to have forgotten about. She becomes invisible to strangers, her schoolmates and her own mother eventually. This was something she had wished for.

For context Mai used to be a child celebrity and always had expectations and pressure on to her. The need for validation is a thousand times worse in those situations. Her mother had signed a contract on behalf of her without asking her. She had done so much, took so much pressure so that her mom would feel happy, validating her existence. But her mother had went and betrayed her, pulling her into something she wouldn’t want without asking her. This was the rift between the two, and from where the desire to disappear stemmed.

The celebrity life and the constant pressure to please a number of people you can’t comprehend, had worn her down immensely. She makes her choice. She took a hiatus from acting, actively made herself sparse and unnoticeable in school. There wasn’t anyone in school who had reached out to her among this, she had spent most of her time in her career after all. Everyone silently complied and ignored her existence.

In the anime, this triggers quantum phenomenon, Observer’s effect. All things and states only exist when they are observed. If something is not being observed, it ceases to exist.

In the picture above Mai dressed up as a bunny girl in public places to check if there was anyone who could notice her at all. The choice of the outfit served a practical purpose. And this is when the protagonist Sakuta sees her, he is from the same school as her, and at that time in the story, the people in her school could still see her. (The invisibility only existed in public places outside school). Sakuta and Mai get close.

Eventually everyone forgets her, even Sakuta. But something triggers him into remembering her, and he immediately acts on it and shouts to the entire school that he’s in love with Mai. This breaks the flow in the school that had decided on not acknowledging her existence. She was once again observed, and once again part of the world.

The anime tells you that rejecting the desire of validation is rejecting the entire world. If you want nothing to do with what others want to tell about you, you are breaking away from the world filled with such others. You’re shrinking it.

In “Man of Steel” a young Clark Kent suffers from hyper-awareness. His X-ray vision and Super hearing is too much to handle for his kid mind. He cries to his mother, “The world is too big mom.”

She replies, “Then make it small.” She tells him to focus on his voice, “Pretend it’s an island. Do you see it?” He replies yes. She tells him to swim towards him. He opens the door and hugs her.

We need to find our own islands. It doesn’t have to be our parents. Validation from our parents is just default settings, we’re well past that. Kids follow their parents religions because of this one thing. Because as kids they were rewarded for it. They never given a choice. As an adult, it gets hard to let go.

But it doesn’t concern you now, you have to let go. You have to let go of the mob you’re trying to please. Shrink your world as much as you like. But make sure to not lose yourself as you shrink it. You still need to be present in your world.

Or you will fade away like Mai.

Are you even capable of the former?

Everything might fall apart before you begin to figure out things. The winds are too strong. You are too slow! Oh no, you fell off your chair!

Suck your fingers. Bite your nails. Shake your legs.

Tomorrow’s gonna rise again once more. Even if you tear apart your guts you cannot stop reality from being real. The world stays how it is. It’s an anchor;

Deny it? Denying it? Denial:? Can you reject reality?
Where would that put you?

acceptance is the only way forward?

4

4

why do you have to listen to what others say? The beats don’t care. Why do you?
Do you think you cannot reach the stars?? With this belief there would have been no stars in the sky. Look at the stars! Those who believe are the ones who have a chance to make it up, above the realms of stillness.

Do you want to be still? Do you want to be gray?

Angst. Angst. All that angst. Are you simply going to let it well up?

The seventy seven gods simply are too bored of not existing. The songs they hear praising them are too boring. They are not real. They have songs. They have thoughts and prayers directed onto them. They are not real.

The stars are hope. The night sky is hope. You. You, you are nothing. All that is here is from hormones and brain matter. the world put you here, the world will take you away.

why do you even exist?

The beats get more rhythmic with every time you listen.
The song flows through your heart realm.

You maybe incapable of planning or sorting out now. But you can get there if you really want, right?

You can try.

NOBODY has ever taken it from you. You can always try. You always have the option open.

You don’t know the outcome.

What if it’s a waste? What if it’s the wrong choice?

What if? What if?

You won’t know. You won’t know until you try. Unless you try.

You are not a bad kid. You simply never tried.

Please, give it a try. Is it so bad to face loss and waste a bit of time pursuing something you truly want to

no question mark.

I can never be the same as you. But when you read my words I become a part of you. In some form, some way.

When our paths cross ways, our lives are distorted into each other. I become you, and you are me(?)

Your words and your experiences force their way into my psyche. I’m ripped from my circle and thrown into your world. Your mind is a forest I had never stepped before. And once I leave my step, it is irreversible. We have distorted each of our lives.

The more time I spend knowing the true you, the more it spreads. You are an infestation that slowly reaches deeper into my existence. It makes me throw up. This cannot be happening.

You re-assure that it’s fine. You like it. You like having me become you.

But what about me the ‘real’ me? It gets lost in the forest of your existence. Irretrievably lost. Until I burn myself to find a way. Until I burn the bridges that led me to you.

I should never be you. I cannot lose myself. If I do, I become nothing.

Never again will I put myself in the backseat. If I am becoming you, you are becoming me.(!)

I will never give myself for anything less

The wish works out. He didn’t know it would actually work, but it is what he wanted anyways. The wish gives him what he asks for. Nikki does not have any feelings for Bear, so the wish manifests a new personality that loves Bear taking over the body and mind of Nikki. The wording of the wish emphasizes ‘to love more than anyone else in the entire world’, which includes Nikki herself. Hence the wish corrupted Nikki persona’s entire life and purpose revolves around Bear. This is where the horror starts.

The peripheral horror is wish corrupted Nikki’s violent tendencies growing out of control with each day. She wants Bear entirely for herself. She wants to spend every minute of her life with him. Bear slowly realizes that this ‘being’, is not Nikki.

That’s what the trailer shows, so I haven’t spoiled you much, go watch the film when you can, it is a super memorable experience.

Beyond the peripheral horror of wish corrupted Nikki’s obsession, lies the gut wrenching horror of bear’s obsession with Nikki. He’s so obsessed with the idea of her, that he doesn’t even care about the real her. “I really wanna be with Nikki Freeman.” But he doesn’t think or respect what she wants. He casually strips away her autonomy through his wish. He realizes what he’s done, but still goes along with it, taking advantage of the situation to be with ‘Nikki.’ All this happens while the real Nikki watches from the inside, her body and mind stripped out of her control, forced to do things she’d never want to. Trapped.

The second layer of horror, the film from Nikki’s point of view.

There’s a parallel of this in real life, which I have seen quite often. Marriage is in a way like the ‘One Wish Willow’ binding women to a life they don’t really want.

Women in patriarchy are expected to marry someone and settle down taking care of kids and in-laws. Many families raise their daughters with this in mind. Some say daughters are going to marry and go away, only sons will stay with us.

“What will your mother in law think if you behave that way?”

These are things that go around in some of my friends’ homes. There’s a concept in Indian society known as ‘Arranged Marriage.’ Two families meet up and see if they are compatible, if so they arrange a marriage. The man and the woman get a say, but how do you just meet someone for the first time and decide if you’re going to marry them? That’s simply playing lottery with your life.

After your marriage you’re expected to cook meals three times a day, keep the house clean and neat, give birth children to keep your in-laws happy, take care of your children, do chores. The whole house is your responsibility after marriage. You gave up on your parents’ home just so that you can slave yourself in your in-laws’ home.

You were raised for this, to be married to run a house, and so you do that. Everyday, you wake up early to that alarm clock screaming - picking up yourself for the sake of the family.
You prepare breakfast and pack lunch for the kids. After they go to school, your wash everyone’s clothes, do the dishes, clean the home. Time simply goes on. In the middle of this, you find some little time for yourself. But soon it flies away, your kids at back from school. You help them with homework, or send them to tuition, as you start preparing dinner. If your in-laws ask for tea or coffee, you prepare that. So your day goes on.

This is a ‘responsibility’ society doesn’t let you run away from. Even if you go for work, these things are still meant to be finished by you. Work is just an add-on, if you’re not the breadwinner.

After doing all this, you were simply told it was your ‘duty.’ You receive no praise or appreciation from anyone.

Marriage is a wish you never asked for.

Just like how Nikki never asked for any of this. Your autonomy was stripped under the guise of marriage. Your dreams are burnt and turned into fuel for the man’s dream.

THIS IS WHY I HATE NON-FEMINISTS. The norm should be feminism.

The universe may not be inherently equal, but that doesn’t stop us from striving towards our ideals.

Do not burn your daughter’s wishes.

A marriage should not be something that enslaves a woman to a man.

Marital rape not being a crime in India implies the society treats wives as a property of their husband.

Marriage should be an option and not something forced down someone’s throat. Developed countries have lesser birth rates since women begin to catch on.

Having kids and taking care of a home is not your life purpose.

I hope you’d never lessen yourself for someone else’s sake. I hope you’d never your personality and vigor. I hope you never lose yourself.