I know losing my dog was a devastating blow to my psyc…

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Matter of fact, the movie even goes a little further and teaches you exactly the ingredients needed to do so.

I dare you to look back at some of your childhood movies and see the correlation of how they were a guiding light to your interests, values, and, for some like myself, a reflection of who you are.

In this article, I am mainly going to teach you how to manifest through the guise of the movie Matilda, but I also want to share that, as I was watching it the other day, I understood the relief of Matilda being adopted by Miss Honey.

First, what a depiction of a positive spin on a child wanting to leave their birth family instead of normalizing “unconditional” love mixed with abuse.

Second, that movie was fucking wild for a kids’ movie. Miss Trunchbull was literally abusing these children and, as an adult, not in a funny way.

Swinging a little girl by her hair? Forcing a kid who seems borderline diabetic to eat an unrealistic amount of chocolate and locking children up in the Chokey, lmfao.

One of my favorite lines in the movie from that sweaty, hairy-lipped woman was, “You’re too small, grow up, QUICKER,” lmfao.

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Anyway, like Matilda, I too came from a family who didn’t appreciate me. They put my life at risk multiple times, neglected and abused me. As a child, I didn’t know much else. I knew I felt bad most of the time around my family, but I also thought that was normal.

I didn’t know watching Matilda was reflecting back to me how eerily similar our lives were. My “parents” did sketchy shit in society, and I had to learn what a warrant was at age nine so I wouldn’t have a Glock to my face from an officer like before.

I learned to lie early as a form of protection, which distorted the way I viewed life, but movies were always around to give me a glimpse of the truth. My subconscious lights up at a pure reflection, hoping I see myself.

Throughout my life, many teachers have saved me and invested their time, attention, and heart into my evolution. They saw how special I was despite my limitations, and their hope rubbed off on me.

So it’s no coincidence I live my life on the principle that we create our reality and spent ten years learning and throwing my life’s work into this, just to see manifestation was following me in my childhood movies.

Now let’s get into manifestation, Matilda style…

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I’ve been very single, but I am also a huge lover girl, so that doesn’t stop me from having the occasional crushes or lovers from time to time. But there is something in me that wants to have a stable love and genuinely grow alongside someone I deeply care about.

It’s not that I have a hard time finding people I deeply care for, or they for me, but more so that I would attract emotionally stunted people. I knew they cared for me, maybe even more than they showed, but that was the thing: no communication, playing power games, as if love was a war to be won instead of a home to cultivate safety and compassion.

Now that I am in therapy, I can see clearly that I continuously chose incompatible people—not as far as intensity and attraction, but values and the way we handle disagreements.

The coming-together part always seemed to threaten the other person’s perceived autonomy when it came to accountability, but they felt entitled to access to my energy otherwise.

Recently, I reconnected with a guy I was really into from years prior, and we had a rocky history, but nothing too deep.

DeJunee

New Number, Who Dis? The Timeline Shift I Wanted

Hey, so I changed my number, and my life changed overnight. I am low-key freaking out, but thanks to six months of therapy, I have the tools to deal with the absurdity of me getting what I want…

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a month ago · DeJunee

He was actually the first person I told when I found out my dog was going to be put down, and he comforted me, and it meant the world. I can admit I formed an attachment toward him through that and many other things I adored about him.

In the beginning, we were low-key smitten with one another, but fear and control popped in and distorted our perception. Fast-forward to now, with this new start as I hoped, it started off hot and heavy with five hours of texting, just to lead to the same conclusion.

I was no longer operating under a system of complete fear. I didn’t feel the need to control whatever connection we were developing, but only my emotions and reactions. I am also a big fan of “you teach people how to treat you.”

He thought it was okay to be inconsiderate of my feelings and concerns because we weren’t married. He was legitimately trying to convince me his lack of accountability was appropriate for our dating status, or lack thereof.

“It’s casual,” he would say right after explicitly being hypersexual in ways I even admitted I wouldn’t engage with just anyone. Those intense moments were acceptable; it’s just my feelings weren’t allowed to come to the party.

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I feel it takes a deeply hurt person to try to explain away the lack of humanity required to acknowledge how someone feels. The old me would have allowed him to gaslight me into believing that because we are not together, he was right.

The emotionally mature adult in me, however, saw that he was part of the problem I developed over time by constantly being exposed to emotionally immature adults.

I grew up around addicts my entire life, and once they get addicted, they mentally and emotionally stop growing. They may walk around in big adult costumes, but really, that unhealed child is running the show. The only thing I inherited from their addiction was giving my wounded inner child the wheel.

As much as the Welsh man’s silent treatment, manipulation, and inability to see my perspective felt like home, the adult me in therapy found it extremely unattractive and a waste of my time.

So I took my therapist up on his suggestion and created an account on Bumble. And oh boy, am I glad I did.

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I know how insane that sounds after watching a man stand in federal court and personally admit that he shot Brian Thompson, but somewhere along the way we started confusing legal guilt with objective truth, and I don’t know when the fuck that happened.

Those things can overlap with truth. They are not automatically synonymous with it.

I’m also not going to pretend Luigi didn’t say what he said Friday because it complicates what I believe.

On August 14, he pleaded guilty to the two remaining federal stalking charges and personally admitted shooting and acknowledged that Brian Thompson died. That happened.

But he did so without a plea agreement after maintaining not-guilty pleas for nearly two years, and his attorneys immediately attempted to use that federal conviction to get the New York prosecution dismissed under the state’s double-jeopardy protections.

That doesn’t prove Luigi is innocent. But it gives me a reason to examine Friday as a strategic legal decision rather than reducing everything we’ve watched for nearly two years to: See? He finally confessed.

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Because this case has felt political as fuck to me from the beginning, and Luigi’s own attorney was warning about that almost immediately.

In December 2024, Karen Friedman Agnifilo complained that Luigi was being treated like a “human ping-pong ball” between competing jurisdictions and called him “political fodder.”

She objected to the spectacle surrounding his return to New York—the heavily armed officers, cameras and Mayor Eric Adams appearing during the highly publicized perp walk—arguing that the government was creating an image of guilt around someone who was still legally presumed innocent.

That wasn’t some random conspiracy theorist on Reddit.

That was his attorney speaking in court.

And then some of the government’s biggest accusations started falling apart.

New York charged Luigi with murder as an act of terrorism. Those terrorism-related murder counts were dismissed after Judge Gregory Carro found the evidence legally insufficient to establish the required terrorism element.

Then the federal government pursued charges that exposed Luigi to the death penalty.

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In January 2026, Judge Margaret Garnett dismissed the federal murder and firearm charges underlying that possibility because the government’s legal construction did not satisfy federal law. She wasn’t declaring Luigi innocent; she was determining that prosecutors could not legally proceed under those particular charges.

Think about that for a second.

The United States government attempted to put a young man to death using charges a federal judge later determined could not legally stand.

That’s exactly why I refuse to treat the justice system as some infallible machine where accusation, guilt and truth always mean the same fucking thing.

Then there’s the elephant in the room that I don’t think can be separated from why this case resonated so intensely with the public: UnitedHealthcare itself.

UnitedHealth-related entities were already facing litigation alleging that an artificial-intelligence model called nH Predict was used in decisions denying post-acute medical coverage to Medicare Advantage patients.

Plaintiffs alleged patients were forced either to pay for continued care themselves or go without it and that the resulting denials contributed to worsening injuries, illnesses and, in some cases, death.

UnitedHealth disputes those allegations, and allegations in a lawsuit are not findings of guilt. That’s important.

But the allegations exist.

And that’s where the moral contradiction surrounding this case becomes impossible for me to ignore.

Meanwhile, we live inside systems where corporate decisions can determine whether enormous numbers of ordinary people receive medical treatment, and when those people allege they’ve been harmed, we process their suffering through lawsuits, congressional investigations, motions, contracts and corporate statements.

I am not saying Brian Thompson deserved to die. He didn’t.

I’m asking why our society seems capable of understanding immediately that one human life is priceless when the dead person has enormous institutional power behind his name, while suffering experienced by ordinary people becomes paperwork.

And justice cannot mean discovering the sacredness of human life selectively.

That’s why I keep coming back to Karen’s phrase: political fodder.

Luigi stopped being treated merely as an individual defendant almost immediately.

His case became symbolic of healthcare, class, capitalism, corporate power, political violence and the enormous public anger toward America’s healthcare system. It even became a conversation about whether Americans were morally defective simply for understanding why the killing resonated with people who felt abused by that system.

Now fast-forward almost two years.

Luigi pleads guilty federally.

And what do his attorneys do immediately afterward?

They attempt to use that conviction to destroy the New York prosecution.

His lawyers are arguing that New York’s unusually broad double-jeopardy protections prohibit the state from prosecuting him again for essentially the same criminal transaction. Prosecutors disagree, and Judge Carro will ultimately have to determine whether the argument succeeds.

But look at the sequence.

The terrorism-related charges disappear. The federal death-eligible charges disappear. Luigi accepts responsibility for the remaining federal charges. His attorneys immediately attempt to eliminate the state murder prosecution using the conviction they just allowed to exist.

That looks strategic to me.

That is my interpretation—not a proven fact—but I don’t understand how anyone watching this case seriously could look at that sequence and not at least ask why.

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Because if Luigi simply wanted to announce to the world that he murdered Brian Thompson and accept whatever punishment followed, why spend nearly two years fighting?

Why challenge the government’s theories? Why fight the death penalty? Why prepare for trial? Why maintain not-guilty pleas? And why plead guilty only to immediately use that plea as a legal weapon against another prosecution?

Something changed.

I want to know what.

Maybe I’m wrong about Luigi’s innocence. I’m willing to leave room for that because believing something strongly doesn’t mean I should abandon my critical-thinking skills when evidence contradicts me.

But I’m also not going to abandon those critical-thinking skills simply because a defendant facing the possibility of spending the rest of his life in prison made a legal decision under circumstances none of us have ever experienced.

A guilty plea answers a legal question.

It does not automatically answer every question surrounding an investigation, the evidence, prosecutorial decisions, political pressure or the institutions involved.

Maybe this case is exactly what prosecutors say it is. Maybe there isn’t some enormous revelation underneath everything we’ve watched.

But when Karen Friedman Agnifilo called her client “political fodder” before this circus had truly even begun, I listened.

After terrorism charges disappeared, death-eligible federal charges disappeared, multiple jurisdictions pursued the same defendant, and Luigi suddenly accepted a federal conviction only for his attorneys to immediately weaponize that conviction against the state prosecution?

I’m listening even fucking harder.

Because Luigi Mangione pleading guilty didn’t answer my questions.

It gave me better ones.

I don’t just want to know whether Luigi Mangione is legally guilty anymore. He has admitted guilt in federal court. That fact exists whether I like it or not.

I want to know what the fuck has actually been happening around this case, why pleading guilty became the move his defense believed was worth making, and what this entire prosecution reveals about who our justice system protects, who it punishes and whose lives America decides are worth fighting for.

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Hell, send it to a hater, and maybe this will get them off your b…

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The hiatus has come to an end, and I can assure you it did its thing. I am more confident and self-assured in my value and who I am as a human being.

The concept of being human never meant being limited to me. Are there some things I have yet to see people do? Of course.

I am still waiting on that flying human, but do I believe it’s not possible? Fuck no.

I may not have experienced universal things that deny logic, but my God, have I experienced ten years of deliberately receiving whatever the fuck I want.

And I’m sorry, that is more valuable information to me than whether the Powerpuff Girls could ever be a thing.

Although I believe I would be one if so.

Anyway, tomorrow I will be making my debut on social media again, but it won’t be like anything before. I was bold and expressive but also fearful, as my platforms were tied to my survival.

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The moment I began to only see social media as a source of finances, the fun disappeared. What I have discovered about myself now is that fun is a requirement for me to succeed.

So this time around, I am not joining to impress, make a sale, or convince people to think I am worthy of a million followers.

No.

I am joining to fully express the cvnt in me, and I promise I mean the cool kind that Irish people use in lieu of “dude.”

DeJunee Morris is bold, innovative, a trailblazer, and ready to play the game of life.

And below is the beginning of The Handbook, my life’s work.

I see life as a game.

Most people talk about how we came here to learn, blah blah blah. None of us are new souls. No one came here to learn something they never knew.

The “being” part in “human being” references the God essence in us. I don’t agree with much of the Bible, but I can appreciate some genuine stories and perceptions that support my theory of life being a game.

Neville Goddard does a phenomenal job of interpreting the Bible as an allegory for consciousness, and I fucks with it, so you will see me mention and embody a lot of his teachings.

The Bible says we are made in the image and likeness of our Creator, and I perceive that as whatever God can do, baby, so can we!

And I am dead-ass serious. Death is nothing to fear, as you can resurrect, and we celebrate a big bunny like our fellow brethren wasn’t a whole-ass witch for doing that.

Anyone who tries to make life seem more complicated than it really is is still in the primitive stage, and that’s fine because there are indeed levels to this shit.

Life is not a school. It’s a fucking playground.

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You didn’t come here to learn shit. You came here to create. We are fucking creators.

Of course, there will be things that we REMEMBER about life and our abilities, but ultimately, all of us are all-knowing.

The chosen ones are not more special than others. They are simply the ones who choose first.

A leader doesn’t mean “follow me.” It means, “I’ll go first.” The ones who question tradition, move in a nonlinear way, and express life in a way that makes the meek uncomfortable. The Jesus you nail to the cross never had to learn who they are. They simply became it.

They believed and embodied, and that’s what my journey is about. I am a teacher and student at my core. However, I don’t teach like grade school, where they feed you bullshit information and then test you on how well you can be manipulated.

I embody what I learn, and I teach by example. My responsibility for being visible isn’t to soak up attention but to command it and broadcast to the world: if I can be the God of mine, so can you.

We’re not playing fucking small anymore. We are not moving in silence. We are showing up and showing the fuck out. Fuck the industry, fuck being managed, fuck your limited perception of how a righteous human should be.

Let’s get started with a few basics

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I may become one of those people who make therapy their personality, and I apologize in advance that I am obsessed with the one thing that helped me change my life.

I went from being groomed to be my mother’s therapist from the day I shot out of her cooch, to therapizing thousands of strangers around the world, to me finally getting my time on the field.

You have no idea how much freedom there is in just existing. You don’t have to show up perfect or even good, and you’re still handled with care and intellect. Yesterday, I found out my therapist is a Sagittarius, and I fell even more in love with my life.

My North Node (life purpose) is in the sign of Sagittarius. Of course this man was sent to me to help me evolve.

A few days ago, I made the decision to change my number. If you knew me, you’d know this is actually a common occurrence. Going back to the North Node in Sag, that means my South Node is in Gemini. I love the stimulation of mobility and not being pinned down, aka I had deep commitment issues, which led me to attract romantic partners who dealt with the same.

I had an interesting mixture of people with deep fucking emotions but who were afraid to make them mean something long-term. So my first love (Sagittarius) would break up with me, change his number, and then call me from blocked numbers.

I know.

Ironically, not even growing up homeless made me feel as powerless as it did when this motherfucker would call me out of the blue. I had the same number for years, and here was this psycho deciding when I got to speak to him.

His toxic communication birthed a detached baddie.

Two can play that game, I thought at eighteen years old.

Ever since, I would change my number every two years. My Venus in Aries appreciated it, as I would outgrow a lot of my old or present suitors, and fast.

I just never liked the audacity of people having access to me whenever they liked, lol.

However, this time was different. I wasn’t just changing my number because the two-year mark was up. I mean, it actually was, lol, but it became a decision about my identity.

Yeah, we all knew these random stories were going to lead to something concrete. Trust the journey.

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Identity.

Almost a month prior, I made the decision to cut off communication with my “family,” which honestly wasn’t hard because they didn’t care to keep up with me anyway. I physically made the decision to leave, but I still had open circuits.

No one had contacted me within the month of me being gone. Old friends never responded to certain texts. An ex I repeatedly chased after felt confident in my returning.

As I was on the phone, waiting to make the move to either keep the same number or throw the past away for good, I realized this was about more than a number or even access to me.

The decision was me finally stepping into the unknown and creating a life of only my choosing.

No distractions. No interruptions. All in my alignment.

I didn’t have to worry about people disrupting my flow, bad news resurfacing to bring me back in, or the urge to contact someone who never deserved my energy in the first place.

The decision wasn’t easy, but I made it, and everything changed.

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Then they start thinking something is wrong with them.

They feel drained after being around certain people. They have vivid dreams. Their body reacts before their brain understands what happened. They know someone is lying but cannot explain how. They suddenly think about a person right before that person contacts them.

And because nobody taught them how to recognize intuitive information, they may internalize everything.

DeJunee

8 Years. Thousands of Birth Charts. Here Are the Patterns I Can't Ignore. Pt. 3

Society spends your whole life teaching you how everyone else thinks you should be…

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a month ago · 6 likes · DeJunee

To be clear, physical pain and mental-health symptoms still deserve actual medical attention. Astrology should never replace that. But spiritually and psychologically, I do believe unrecognized sensitivity can add stress because you are constantly receiving information without knowing what the fuck to do with it.

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Moon in the 8H or Moon aspecting Pluto can be deeply clairsentient. You may physically feel what other people are carrying. The lower expression is absorbing everyone’s emotional chaos and believing it belongs to you. The higher expression is recognizing, “This feeling entered when that person did. It may not be mine.”

Mercury in the 12H or Mercury aspecting Neptune can receive information through internal words, random thoughts, dreams, symbols, or sudden knowing. These people may think they are overthinking when sometimes they are picking up information before they have logical evidence for it.

Pluto in the 12H or strong Scorpio and Pisces placements can show sensitivity to death, grief, secrets, ancestral patterns, or spirit energy. That does not automatically make someone a professional medium, but it can explain why hidden or unspoken things feel extremely loud to them.

Uranus aspecting Mercury or the Moon can experience psychic information like a sudden download. It arrives quickly, makes complete sense for two seconds, and then the person starts doubting it because they cannot explain where it came from.

This is why understanding the placement matters.

DeJunee

8 Years. Thousands of Birth Charts. Here Are the Patterns I Can't Ignore. Pt.1

My way of interpreting astrology is a revolutionary way to fuck the system. I believe if more people accepted themselves for who they are in this moment they can expand into who they want to be…

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2 months ago · 22 likes · DeJunee

When a dominant energy is ignored, it does not simply disappear. It can become anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional exhaustion, escapism, obsession, or constantly feeling overwhelmed by environments and people.

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Not because every symptom is secretly psychic, but because you may be living with no boundaries around an unusually sensitive nervous system.

The goal is to learn the difference between your emotions, another person’s emotions, intuition, fear, imagination, and an actual health concern.
Your sensitivity becomes much less chaotic when you stop treating it like a defect and begin using discernment.

Maybe you are not “too much.”

Maybe you have been receiving too much without knowing how to filter it.

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Depression was the fourth roommate within our closed walls, and the light from outside was a threat, deemed disruptive. Being a bubbly child full of love, it made sense that my presence felt like a burden to my mother.

I was a walking secret she couldn’t hide from the family she lied to, or even herself. Not taking care of yourself, rehearsing the worst, and being your biggest enemy was demonstrated well. I was groomed to believe my needs came last to her selfish impulses. She craved adventure and chaos more than protecting me.

Every chance she got, she felt more comfortable leaving me with other people.

I practically raised myself. (Now, looking back, that isn’t such a bad thing.) I didn’t necessarily have the best role models in my personal life, but when it came to music, I soothed my dark thoughts with the powerful ballads of Lacey Sturm, formerly known as Lacey Mosley, the lead singer of Flyleaf.

“Fully alive, more than most, ready to smile and love life.”

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I would shout the lyrics to that song with zero idea of their true meaning, but I felt in my soul it was my calling. I found Flyleaf a year before I experienced severe homelessness. Listening to the drums and guitar with powerful lyrics about God in the purest form kept me going when I wanted to die.

I sang through the hunger pains. I started to believe in futures. I felt safe with my headphones, and I would casually escape my difficult life and dive into the abundance of the love Lacey projected through her voice.

I loved Flyleaf so deeply because they sang about God from the darkness they could identify with. I didn’t know that consciously as a teen, but my God, did it give language to the vague feeling I possessed back then.

Just a few days ago, I heard about Flyleaf’s 20th anniversary tour. Now get this—I fell off from listening to Flyleaf, and it had to be an energy thing because, when I looked back, they had changed lead singers.

No offense to the band members, but the charm for me was Lacey. The music sounded the same, but the voice I grew up with was no longer part of the band. So when I saw the concert announcement, I wondered what this light of excitement in my gut was for.

Then I read more carefully. What made this 20th anniversary special was that Lacey would be singing the songs that gave me the motivation to keep going.

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Yesterday, I arrived at the House of Blues on my own, ready to spoil my inner teenager with a live performance of the very songs that led her to me. Attending this concert wasn’t just for fun, but for the experience of realizing, despite everything, I fucking made it.

“I’m still alive.”

Sitting in my VIP seat with a clear view of the stage, I was sandwiched between two strangers, one who, without hesitation, started flipping through his phone, showing me all the concerts he’d been to. I didn’t learn this man’s name until the end of the concert, but he was sharing his life and love for music with me like we’d known each other forever.

The margaritas helped me allow him to be himself with ease, and I just went with it. Why? I value human connection. I know the value of not feeling like a burden, the value of being accepted and seen. Why not gift that to a stranger?

I listened with genuine curiosity and laughed when it felt natural. I also had an amazing host, whom I tipped $60 because she was really great at her job. She struck the perfect balance of checking in while allowing us to be present with the music.

The guy next to me, Mike, was an Air Force veteran who spoke about PTSD, traveling, and the rush he gets from fighting fires. He also admitted that once Lacey began singing, he might not be able to hold back tears.

I replied, “Same.”

Flyleaf eventually came on, and immediately I was immersed in the fact that I was hearing an angel’s voice in real time. The voice I’d heard through my headphones for the last twenty years was happening right in front of me. I recorded about half of it and kept my phone away for the other half so I could really take it all in.

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A woman next to me named Kat, who had gotten to meet Lacey during a meet-and-greet, was shocked to hear I was there alone, as she was accompanied by her partner. The shock wasn’t out of fear, but admiration and awe.

I liked that.

My Libra Moon didn’t naturally function well with that at first, but it was implemented to help me break the chains of codependency. Over the last five months, I’ve been learning to feel my own emotions, as my therapist said I never developed emotions separate from my mother’s.

That’s the thing about attending concerts, though. Are we ever truly alone?

Yes, I was in a room full of strangers, but in that moment, we were all there for the same thing. We had all been through something we once wanted to escape.

In the words of Mike:

“No kid with a happy childhood would want to go into a mosh pit.”

I laughed because it was so real, but also so refreshing to show up wounded and not be judged. Music is universal and the closest material thing we can get to God.

Lacey shared a bit of her story about how she, too, felt like a burden and wanted out of the game of life at the young age of sixteen. The day she planned to end it, a pure love greeted her and made her feel worthy of this life.

I, for one, am glad she listened, because she went on to form Flyleaf, and the ripple effect expanded into a 20-year anniversary tour with sold-out shows.

Lacey talked about God and how that energy is perfect love. She said we all have something unique about us that is a gift to the world.

“Arise and be all that you dream, all that you dream.”

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The message itself was empowering. It explained the lyrics to my favorite song, All Around Me, which I always knew was about God. I feel the same about my Creator.

“Take my hand, I give it to You. Now You own me, all I am. You said You would never leave me. I believe You, I believe.”

However, it was the experience of seeing six-year-olds in the crowd discovering Flyleaf, people like me healing their inner child by sharing the same breathing air as their favorite artist, and witnessing Mike feel safe enough to cry while certain songs touched him deeply.

A truth that, most times, is universal in its wisdom.

So I leave you with this...

Lacey said our Creator is intentional, meaning that who you are—your life—is a gift. You were thought of and followed through with. That is saying more than you can comprehend.

Your work is to develop a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you. And if you have experienced trauma and deep sadness like me, turn it into something useful. Paint it out. Belt it over a beat. Draw what you want to see in the world.

You are important.

Your inner world is desired.

Art is all around us.

I love you.

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I wish I would have caught on to this sooner.

I don’t even know where to start.

Today was one of the best days of my fucking life.

For many reasons.

But ultimately, today, I’m living inside a deliberate manifestation.

I believe around March, I heard about the Marilyn Monroe exhibit and that it was going to be available from May to December. I told myself I was going to go before the year was over.

And I went today.

Another thing is, on my computer I created a vision board as my screensaver. On that vision board is an Oscar because one of my dreams is to become a very successful A-list actress.

Acting has always meant something extremely special to me because it was what healed me while I was homeless.

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When people meet me today and I tell them my story and my upbringing, they are thoroughly confused because I don’t come across as someone who experienced homelessness on and off for the first 18 years of her existence.

I believe that isn’t because I was in therapy. God, I wish I was.

It was mainly because acting was my therapy.

I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that I was homeless because my mom was afraid we would be taken away from her. So I didn’t have anywhere to truly express the deep, dark emotions of the terrible things I experienced every time I came out of school.

I would say “home,” but I didn’t have a home to come to.

Around freshman year, all the way until I graduated from high school, I got involved in theater.

Apparently, I was intelligent enough, subconsciously, to choose roles that helped me express what I was going through without having to tell anyone.

Ironically, there was a recording of Marilyn’s voice saying the same thing.

She said that whenever she went into an acting role, she would ask herself, “I may not have experienced this in my own life, but what does this remind me of?”

Toward the end of her career, she started learning about psychoanalysis and began unpacking what she experienced when she was younger—the neglect and the abandonment—and she would bring those emotions into her roles.

You can see it.

There was literally a scene—I don’t remember what movie it was—but she was talking about what Norma Jeane had been through. I’m pretty sure she was speaking as the character she was playing, but she talked about how her mom was never there, how she was in and out of her life.

How can you miss something that was never around?

The way she acted in that scene felt so real that I literally questioned whether I was watching an interview or a performance.

That’s what made her Hollywood glamour.

That’s what made her so iconic to this day.

She wasn’t acting.

So, during high school, whenever I had theater assignments where I had to perform a monologue, I would choose characters that emotionally resonated with me, even if I had never experienced their exact circumstances.

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That became my own therapeutic practice.

It allowed me to become emotionally and mentally stable despite what I was going through every single day—things that would have easily broken the average person.

I loved this exhibit because it was about what my Substack publication is about, what my personal brand is about, and what my own values are:

Identity.

I am obsessed with Marilyn Monroe from that perspective because Norma Jeane literally created Marilyn Monroe.

She created an identity.

She became one of the most powerful fucking figures to ever exist, to the point that I personally believe she was taken out by the government because the president was too weak to stop telling her fucking secrets.

But that’s a different article.

Anyway…

As I was on my way to check into my hotel, even though it was really early, I was so excited to go to the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures, walk through the exhibit, and experience the Oscar simulation.

Yes, there is literally a simulation where you go in for about 10 seconds, hold a real Oscar, and they recreate the entire moment.

They announce your name.

You hear the applause.

You feel the lights.

The cameras are on you.

And what are the odds?

I didn’t even know that experience existed.

When I purchased my Marilyn Monroe ticket, it asked if I wanted to add the Oscar experience for an extra $10.

I was like, fuck yeah.

As soon as I bought the ticket, I became even happier.

Then I looked at my computer screensaver and said,

Holy shit.

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When I speak to my therapist, I always reference back to 2024. I’m sure he probably thinks that’s my middle name by now because I bring it up a lot.

The reason I bring it up so much is because that was the best year of my life.

It was also the same year I got to see Abraham Hicks in person.

Now, I need you to understand that was a manifestation in itself because I had been struggling months prior, but I was in San Francisco. Something just told me to be in San Francisco.

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Based on my astrocartography, it is also a place that feels like home to me. It allows me to feel safe, and being around that water energy definitely helps. But other than that, something just told me to be there.

As it got closer to my birthday, I remembered that Abraham Hicks does cruises, in-person meetings, conferences, hotels, and events. I wanted to see where they would be and what their touring schedule looked like that year.

Literally, as I pulled up their website, it said:

February 10th.

Which is my birthday, by the way. Put it in your calendar.

Abraham Hicks was going to be live in San Francisco, California.

I purchased my ticket immediately, and I knew my life was going to change that year.

It wasn’t because I expected Abraham Hicks to tell me anything different from what I had already been studying and listening to for the last nine years.

It was more about the experience of being surrounded by hundreds of people who get you.

They’re not going to say you’re being unrealistic, that manifestation isn’t real, or whatever the fuck people say. They get it.

And it was indeed one of the best experiences of my life.

The women got to use the men’s restroom because we all knew the truth. None of that shit matters. The men were really nice and kind. Someone gave me a crystal for my birthday.

I made a friend.

And that friend literally changed my life that day.

Abraham Hicks kept repeating the same thing I started this article with:

Abraham Hicks said there is one thing you have to do to stay on track to receive whatever it is you want.

I’m going to tell you what that one thing is.

I’m also going to tell you how I have been doing it consistently and how my life went from being 100 percent miserable less than a month ago, not even three weeks ago, to living my best fucking life, having more than enough, being in abundance, and genuinely surrendering.

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People don’t talk about what happens when the person who was so used to overcoming limitations finally makes it.

This is something I have been “struggling” with over the years.

I am one resilient bitch. I created an identity out of, “Tell me I can’t do something, and I’ll do it twice and take a picture.”

I loved the orgasmic feeling of proving motherfuckers wrong, but little did I know it began to create this habit of actively looking for challenges.

And from there, the goalpost just kept fucking moving, and I wasn’t just operating on burnout, but I didn’t know when to enjoy myself.

Right now, I am in Beverly Hills spoiling myself, when just a few short weeks ago I was living in complete hell. When you’re constantly used to overcoming limitations, you find yourself looking for when another problem pops up.

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For some, this can be habitual. For others, like myself, there is some sick benefit we get from focusing on problems. Our self-worth becomes tied to performance, struggle, and action, therefore creating a sense of devaluing circumstances or situations that come easy, are enjoyable, and are fun.

When will it ever be enough?

Well, lucky for you, there is nothing outside of you that will dictate when it is enough. The decision is yours, but that’s the question: What happens when you do make the decision?

What happens when you finally make it, but you’re haunted by the shoe on this random-ass foot, ready to drop?

We about to say, fuck that shoe.

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I have an example.

I’m a frequen…

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It was back in 2018, when I had just started renting a room in this $1,000,000 home. I was paying $750 for just a room and a bathroom…

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One thing I truly do live by is a solar return because it is a transit for your whole entire year. A solar return chart is basically revealing what your year—not how it will unfold verbatim or word for word—but the energies you will embody, the themes you will experience that year.

I think this is just as important to understand as your natal chart because your natal chart is for your lifetime. Your solar return is for the year.

So, like I said, here are a few things to look at.

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Your rising sign will give you the theme of the year. If you want to know how it relates to your life, then you will look to see exactly where that sign and degree are located in your natal chart.

Personally, I am a Leo rising at 8 degrees in my solar return, but I’m also a Leo rising at 4 degrees natally. So, it is right there in my first house. This year is all about me and all about creativity.

I always notice that when you are your natural rising sign in a solar return, it means that year you’re going to be more you.

You will also want to look at the North Node. Collectively, everyone’s North Node sign is the same, but it’s the house you will want to look into. Even though it’s the same, that does not mean it’s going to manifest the same way for everybody.

Personally, my North Node in the solar return is in Pisces, and it’s in the 8th house.

This was definitely the fucking year of self-compassion and being in and around people who struggle with addiction really badly.

The 8th house rules death. My stepfather died six days after my birthday. I’ve known him my entire life. Even though I’ve known him my entire life, he was also the source of my trauma, so a lot of my trauma and baggage died with him.

I started therapy, and Pisces rules therapy. It has leveled me up significantly and made me even stronger emotionally.

I’ve been traveling a lot and staying in Airbnbs versus hotels, and I think that’s more of an 8th-house theme because I’m merging resources with other people and sharing their resources with them, whether it’s a home or something like that.

It’s also been a year of me truly understanding my power and letting go of control.

My biggest obstacle this year has been being controlling, even under the guise of being responsible or things like that. I’m really learning to just surrender.

Pisces and 8th-house Scorpio energy all kind of boil down to surrendering.

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So, when situations happen in my life and I look back at my solar return, I’m not confused. I’m not like, “Why is this happening to me?” which would then create more stress and more problems.

The fact that I’m aware that these are the themes, why they’re happening, and how they’re making me a better person makes all of this bearable.

I don’t think anyone who has experienced what I’ve experienced, without knowing the inner workings of it, would be able to survive this year.

Interestingly enough, my Mars is in Aquarius in the 7th house in my solar return. I’ve really been noticing that I get very angry when it comes to injustice.

That’s something I have naturally as well, but Mars in Aquarius rules humanity and equality, and then the 7th house is about being fair.

I was in a lot of situations this year, so far, where I was not being treated fairly, and people were trying to gaslight me into thinking it was fair and that it was okay to just accept it. That shit would piss me the fuck off.

But what’s even better is that I also noticed that independence, being my unique self, harmony, and peace are things that motivate me.

So, I do better and am able to take action when I am detached and at peace with where I am in the moment. That is how I’m able to move.

Knowing that really helps me because, natally, my Mars is in Cancer, and I’m used to just letting it come to me. I’ll feel it emotionally.

But this year, I’m meant to be more detached and focus more on harmony within myself, and therefore, I will have that with others.

What I find interesting is that, even though my rising sign is in Leo, which rules being more me, fame, and things like that, there’s also a lot of emphasis on communication, writing, and sharing ideas.

My Moon is in Sagittarius, which rules sharing how I feel, my life experiences, my intimate thoughts, and things like that, in the 5th house, in a more creative way.

I’ve been really into Substack, and I made a Substack publication literally named after me. That’s where I’m able to express myself and talk about the things I’m going through.

A lot of the themes have been about family, the abuse I experienced with my mom, and things like that. So, that’s been really cool to experience.

I’m getting a lot of feedback and have gained over 200 subscribers. Let me tell you, that hits way differently than having followers.

Then I have Mercury conjunct Venus in my solar return. So, that’s literally telling me that the more I communicate and express myself, the more money I will receive and the more valuable I will feel.

My perspective is very valuable, especially with both Mercury and Venus in Pisces.

Pisces is like: teach from a spiritual place, teach from a healing place, give people a different perspective from which to see their trauma and their own lives.

Because it’s in the 8th house as well, it’s also about helping people see beneath what’s happening and understand the psychology of who they are.

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The more I’ve been writing about astrology from that perspective, and the more I’ve been writing about my own wisdom from that perspective, the more those posts have taken off easily and gained me paid subscribers.

So, yeah, definitely look into your solar return.

✨ Solar Return Reading — $75

• Ask 4 questions about your Solar Return chart for the year.

✨ Full Solar Return Report — $175

• A written breakdown of your year’s major themes, money, relationships, purpose, personal planet changes, fortune placement, and more.

It’s really productive and will get rid of the guesswork and trial and error once you truly understand what you’re working with during your year

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I have been blessed to live a triumphant, magical life so far, but I am just getting started.

Interestingly enough, I was feeling this internal turn way before it resonated with my transits, for example, Jupiter being in Leo, which conjuncts my Rising Ascendant. From day one of 2026, I said this was going to be my justice (Jupiter) year as I entered my master age, I like to think of it, 33.

I deliberately took time away from social media and showing up every day, providing my life-changing wisdom for literally free, getting the life sucked out of me from parasocial relationships I low-key never consented to, but I guess that’s what makes it para?

I remember seeing a Pinterest quote saying, “Disappear for six months and change your life.” The fucking anxiety that would lock up my gut every time I read that, during a time when being visible was what made me money and ultimately made me feel alive.

Yet here I am, almost close to the six-month mark after deleting all of my socials and attending therapy twice a week. Now, I wasn’t completely off the grid. I created my Substack a month after extermination, but it felt great not to show my face. Honestly, though, I wouldn’t be myself if I remained hidden forever. I am a Leo Rising, for fuck’s sake.

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And it is not a coincidence that the moment after my six-month hiatus is when Jupiter plops its big fat ring around me and helps me soar.

I always knew I wanted to be famous, but not for the reasons you think. I know I have the ability to make a huge impact. Everything in my life has led me to this moment, and I am excited to pursue it with passion.

I am not meant to go down a traditional path, and I definitely don’t see life like a normal human being. Something I used to hide just to belong, but now understand I am meant to stand out.

I am not just building a world, but I am excited to fuck this current one inside out and see the ripple of change take place. I am remembering to fall back in love with my life, and I am taking notes.

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In my paid posts, I will be revealing The Handbook. It is essentially my guide to reality creation and how to deliberately manifest on the fly. I don’t receive results months from now. I am talking hours within the day. And I am ready to demonstrate that live and share the process and path with the ones who truly fuck with me.

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I can tell you this journey will be bumpy, smooth, chaotic, eventful, and undeniably cinematic, and thank you for subscribing because I am going to reveal all my secrets.

Let’s shift timelines together, shall we?

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It’s about realizing the box was never yours to begin with.

Every sign, house, and planet reveals a different part of your nature. The more you stop fighting it, the more powerful you become.

You don’t need to become someone else.

You need to become more of yourself.

That’s how I read astrology.

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Here are a few generalizations I’ve seen with certain placements in humans. What I am going to say will not resonate with everyone! However if it does, feel free to look over your chart and life experiences and see if it helps.

Okay here we go

Capricorn moon people tend to have lost their father at an early age, a good handful of them had fathers who literally died or they never knew him, or if he was around wasn’t emotionally available. Children of cap moon don’t have daddy issues, they have mommy issues of experiencing the aftermath of a single mother.

People with major personal planets or important asteroids in Aquarius or 11H have been diagnosed with autism or neurodivergent. Aquarius traits literally rules unconventional, ahead of time, technology, and detachment that can been seen as a social disorder. I used to be a behavioral therapist for children diagnosed autism and a lot of them knew how to work any form of technology naturally…. Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, North/South node, rising placements in Aquarius/11

People with lots of fire and air energy tend to be diagnosed with ADHD or anxiety and that is because you’re meant to have high level of energy. You think Britney Spears, Beyoncé, Kobe Bryant didn’t have that same energy? The benefit of anxiety and high energy is hyper-focus where you can do something you enjoy for hours. I have a grand trine in air and fire and I can write seven page single space essays in 30 mins or less. (Got a full ride to college (Sagittarius) for Journalism (Gemini)

For the month of July only, I’m opening a limited number of astrology readings.

If you’ve been following my posts and want a deeper understanding of your own chart, here’s what’s available:

✨ Solar Return Reading — $75
• Ask 4 questions about your Solar Return chart for the year.

✨ Full Solar Return Report — $175
• A written breakdown of your year’s major themes, money, relationships, purpose, personal planet changes, fortune placement, and more.

✨ Natal Chart Reading — $45
• Ask 3 questions about your natal chart.

✨ Bold Peculiar People (Private Community) — $50/month
• Learn astrology through my framework, watch me dissect real charts (anonymously), ask questions, and develop your own understanding of astrology beyond memorization.

Payment:
I currently accept PayPal only. The payment link is on my Reddit profile.

Thank you to everyone who’s supported my work this month. I’ve genuinely loved helping people understand themselves through astrology, and I’m excited to read for those who are ready to go deeper.

North/South node in 8H/Scorpio people are STRONG AS FUCK. They came here to get the most out of life and to the average muggle that may look like lots of trauma but these people have the ability to be superhuman and handle shit the average can’t. Some people love working with cadavers, others enjoy diving into fires, the things that need to be done to keep society going that the average person can’t perform is why these people came here to shine. OWN YOUR WEIRD.

North Node Cancer/Capricorn 4H/10H tend to have a strange relationship with their mothers and family. A lot of power plays and self respect being toyed with or developed. These people have to learn to nurture and protect themselves. I’ve had clients who were adopted have these placements, grew up in foster homes, or just always felt left out of feeling belonging. You all came here to create your village.

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Virgo/Gemini placements are deemed the worst or the asshole of the zodiac and it’s honestly just over stimulation. They only feel useful when they’re decoding, analyzing, talking or judging, the mental is moving at such a fast pace that the disruption of the thought or isolation is a threat to the system. These individuals are actually quite sensitive which is why they live in their head to allow themselves to remain productive or objective.

Whatever planet in your 8H reveals what people would easily pay you thousands of dollars for without hesitation, the 8th house rules others people money such as the government, merging finances, etc but it also means business. You make money if you get out of bed or not. I have Mercury (talking) in Pisces (perspective) 8H; people pay me thousands of dollars to only talk to me for an hour. People pay for my perspective, literally.

Okay that’s it for now. I’ll be taking a break from this subreddit as so many people seem to be shook and offended by my way of interpreting astrology 🤓 but that’s fine to each their own.

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I never had a client tell me I was inaccurate even if they never even identified with the type of astrology I’m interpreting.

Happy getting to know yourself !

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Astrology reminds you of who the fuck you already are.

I’m not interested in telling people their soulmate is coming on a Tuesday.

I’m interested in helping people understand themselves so deeply that they stop abandoning themselves.

Because when you know yourself, you stop asking the world for permission.

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People with Pisces/Neptune placements tend to gaslight themselves about what is really going on in their lives, especially if it’s something they can’t control but is also traumatizing to the brain. In a lot of my clients with Pisces/Neptune placements, they don’t remember parts of their childhood or events that would normally cause them pain. Other placements can stay in abusive situations with people they care about or merge with and find ways to convince themselves that it’s okay and that suffering is a part of life, but it isn’t.

My favorite quote from my favorite book, Conversations with God, states that an abuser must become aware they are abusive because, truth is, no one who is causing harm in that way is truly aware of their true intentions.

Pisces/Neptune placements can also use alcohol, vaping, psychedelics, film, and music to escape. A lot of Sagittarius and Pisces placements love going to festivals, lol. Pisces/Neptune also rules the underworld, which goes back to my point: “evil” people aren’t intentionally evil. They are blinded by suffering and use their pain to project (Pisces) harm onto others.

The best way to use Pisces/Neptune placements is by developing compassion for yourself and the person causing harm. When you love yourself enough to end the abuse, you’re showing the abuser their behavior is not okay and will not be tolerated. Therefore, they become aware and can hopefully change.

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I am a firm believer that astrology teaches you a lot about life and that what the signs rule, interchangeably, can teach you a lot about life.

I’ll start with the sign Leo, which rules kids, creativity, love, romance, manifestation, and so much more.

Notice when people fall in love, they say their partner makes them feel like a “kid” again, or how romance is lighthearted. When people want to tap into their creativity, they say to play with your inner child.

I literally would watch rich kids play in Beverly Hills and take notes on how they acted, then incorporate that into my manifestation practices, lol. Children, for the most part (especially rich ones), don’t give a flying fuck about limitations or what adults perceive as resistance.

I saw a group of three having a passionate conversation, and one just walked away mid-sentence. The other two looked at each other and went about their way as well. LMAO. Nobody was offended. Nothing “rude” was done. It’s just self-alignment, baby.

The 5th house/Leo rules identity, and people are starting to catch on that the best way to manifest is through self-concept. Branding is something that is personal and unique, and the best brands create from identity.

Yeah, use this for other signs too, like how to manifest money. 😉

Most times, when you meet someone with the same Moon sign as your Rising, there is an instant connection. The person with the Rising feels like home and is safe to be around, and the Moon feels validated by the way the Rising person exists. You can easily become fast friends, or this can also feel fated, and I truly believe it is.

I have experienced this in my own life, where my last love’s Moon was in the 5H, and I am a Leo Rising. He always would tell me I felt like home to him and a safe space. He is a Scorpio Rising, and my Pluto in Scorpio is in my 4H (home), and he too felt like home to me, but the kind of home I was meant to create, not repeat.

I also saw this in Drake and Kanye. They were extremely close in the beginning, and I believe it was due to Drake’s Cancer Moon and Kanye West being a Cancer Rising. Despite the way Kanye comes off in the media, I bet he feels hella safe in person. Same with Drake. When you spend time with him, he can give you safe vibes (if he doesn’t feel uncomfortable). Drake could see himself in Kanye in a way that felt like home, so it makes sense the beef created one of the greatest albums, Scorpion (Scorpio), teehee.

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Marilyn Monroe is one of my favorite people to study when it comes to birth charts and connecting them to manifestation. Her dialogue and life experience alone can teach you how to manifest if you observe her enough, but if you can read charts? BABY.

Despite her life being cut short, she mastered her North Node in Cancer in the 12H immaculately, to the point that her spirit (12H) lives on today! She was meant to master the power of emotions, which she did through many art forms, but her greatest talent was using them to manifest.

When she was little, she would embody the role of being famous and adored, not just “robotically.” She did it through how she felt! I bet she got her hands on some Neville Goddard, and not only through how she felt, but she was the master of energy (12H).

I always say your placements in your birth chart are strategically placed to push you toward your North Node. You think her being a Leo (fame) Rising, Aquarius (innovative) Moon, and Venus in Aries (identity) in the 9H (global) was a coincidence? I think the fuck not.

Happy Centennial, Queen!

For the entrepreneurs and founders out there, or people who are really into foundations and shit like that, look to your Venus sign and house placement to see what your true values are.

For example, my Venus is in Aries (independence, going first, leadership) in the 9H (freedom, philosophy, education, spirituality), and everything I do in my life is to enhance my sense of freedom. I truly believe in individuality and going after your passions in life.

As a founder, I don’t have to do soul-searching to know what my brand mission statement is or what I stand for. It also gives you the ideal client you are creating for.

I am creating for the ones who value sovereignty and know that they were never meant to play small.

I am guessing that is you?

People think astrology is about learning the stars.

Every placement is trying to teach you how you naturally operate, where your power lives, what pulls you off course, and what brings you back home.

The moment you stop trying to become someone else and start leveraging who you already are, life changes.

That’s how I read astrology.

Not to predict your life.

To help you fucking master it.

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I’m an Aquarius (the 11th zodiac sign), graduated high school in 2011, constantly made wishes at 11:11—one of them got me out of homelessness for 11 years straight—and my grandmother died at exactly 11:11 p.m. in 2014. I got 11:11 tattooed on me in 2012.

So, let’s get into number one.

1. PATTERN RECOGNITION

My life seems to follow a nonlinear path of never-ending synchronicities. My life seems to be connected throughout all of my years, and nothing is happening without a reason. Being homeless on and off for the first 18 years taught me pattern recognition.

To make things clear, my mother married a murderer who was on the run when I was just nine months old. To this day, I still have dreams of being on the run in multiple imaginary scenarios. Think my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

From as early as I can remember until age five, we moved around a lot—mostly hotels. At age six, we moved to a different city and slept exclusively in motels for weeks at a time.

My mom got an apartment for six months when I was seven. That’s when my stepfather got out of prison for murder, but he shortly went back in when I was eight, which caused us to move again.

From ages eight to nine, we stayed with my mom’s friend—fuck, writing this all out is making me emotional, like I’m seeing my own instability for the first time, but that’s the power of writing. I am feeling self-compassion at the same time too—who also had a daughter. I slept in the living room with my brothers, who are six and nine years older than me. By age ten, my mom got an apartment.

Worst experience of my life.

There, I experienced extreme violence and was exposed to dark themes in life. Let’s just say that when I have severe nightmares, the setting is always that apartment.

However, the only form of “stability,” according to human standards, was the worst part of my childhood.

Fast-forward to age fourteen. Things went downhill from there, lol. My mom lost the apartment.

My brothers aged out of the house and began experiencing their own lives. I was left to witness my mom’s mental breakdown and the heightening of her undiagnosed bipolar disorder at the time.

Man, I remember calling my brother, begging for help with how to deal with her manic episodes. I was blamed for not being the logical one or the one with emotional intelligence. I had to master emotional intelligence as a way to survive.

From fourteen to sixteen, things got bad. I began sleeping in stolen rental cars with my mom and stepdad, watched him physically abuse her, slept in parks, and would come “home” most days from school to find all of our belongings out on the sidewalk while my oh-so-responsible parents tried to come up with money to buy another night in a motel.

One time, my boyfriend sent me $200 in the mail. I paid my cell phone bill so I could keep talking to him, and then I paid for a room for me, my mom, and my stepdad.

From ages sixteen to eighteen, we stayed in this run-down motel that was infested with roaches and rats. The rats would run under the bathroom door to say hi while I was doing my homework. After the twentieth time, I grew accustomed to their appearance.

After almost having to kill someone and watching my stepfather shoot at a woman’s feet, forcing her to dance, I kind of stopped fearing most things.

After losing all of my belongings at age fourteen, there were no distractions. Just me and my emotions. So, music became my nervous system regulator.

Sleeping outside creates hypervigilance. Most days now that I’m out of that environment, it doesn’t serve me, but it supported the precise pattern-recognition ability I developed over time—a gift I now get paid for when it comes to my career.

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2. EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Over the years of being homeless as a young girl, I was presented with cinematic, movie-scene life experiences that involved rated-R violence.

Many times, I witnessed my mom and stepfather fight. One time, it resulted in a police helicopter and multiple cars coming because he pushed me out of the room, locked the door, and lunged on top of her as I watched through the window.

I called 911, screaming bloody murder because I thought I was witnessing exactly that. You have to remember, he was capable of killing someone.

Living on and off with a murderer taught me to be strategic with my emotions. I couldn’t experience more than enough because it would cloud my judgment. I also couldn’t shut them off completely because my intuition guided me well. I knew when to make a big deal out of things and when to shut the fuck up.

I self-regulated my anger, from having to use the extreme end of it to protect myself to knowing that a school fight wasn’t worth jail time.

By day, I was learning algebra. By night, I was giving my stepdad black eyes while protecting my mother.

Spoiler alert: I did. I graduated high school and earned a full ride to college for journalism.

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3. APPRECIATION

There were days during my teenage years when my mom couldn’t feed me. I didn’t get a job because something told me education was my way out. If I got a job, money would have become more of a priority than my diploma.

On the days when we did have shelter or a bite to eat, I never took those moments for granted. Sometimes, I would savor a bite, not knowing when I would get the next one. But if this moment existed, then it was worth my attention and praise.

What people considered the “little” things, I saw as significant. When I was able to wash my underwear, I fell to my knees with appreciation. When a friend invited me over for the weekend, I thanked God dramatically.

4. DISSOCIATION

The extreme violence in my upbringing and the constant movement contributed to me dissociating. It’s an ability I’m very appreciative of because it became the foundation for my imagination and inner world to take center stage.

When I would get angry and have the urge to fight, I would listen to Dance Gavin Dance or Bring Me the Horizon and kick people’s asses all day in my head. I didn’t experience any fights at school, only on the battlefield I referred to as home.

During the times when my mom was experiencing a manic episode and hurling disturbing but psychologically accurate insults at me, I would escape into another world so I wouldn’t react, or simply because I had nowhere else to go. Her prison became mine until I escaped inside.

Who knew all that escaping would create a phenomenal storyteller who eventually earned her way out of the toxic environment? I got a full ride to college not because I was great at reporting the news, but because I could make it an unforgettable story.

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5. DETACHMENT

Yes, very different from dissociating. One requires you to still be present, while the other does not.

When I lost all of my childhood belongings, it gutted me, but I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down. I saw what losing control emotionally could do to a person, so I eventually had to learn to detach.

I also had to keep going.

Over the years, I’ve experienced multiple deaths. My classmate was killed and died in an alley during my senior year of high school. I went from seeing him every day to his seat being empty in class, but the teacher still taught. Life still went on.

My best friend’s mother at the time, whom I loved deeply and who supported my creative endeavors more than my own mother, took her own life during my first week of college.

I was finally out of homelessness, but everything I had just left was literally dying.

But I had to keep going. I had to detach and focus on the bigger picture.

Everything I do, I hope she is proud.

Love you, Mama Lisa. Thank you for holding on until we left. ♥️

6. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

I am a lover at my core because growing up homeless taught me that love is the only way to deal with loss.

You love, and you love fucking hard.

Now, that doesn’t mean you let people take advantage of you or become a doormat. It simply means that no matter how hard life tries to harden you, you stay open to dreaming, loving, and caring about yourself and others.

I’ve experienced so much death and literal loss in my life that I am warm toward all the people I meet in person. I intentionally compliment strangers. I don’t hesitate to say, “I love you,” because love isn’t earned.

I see the world as my home. For a while, I struggled with whether this was a trauma response from being homeless for the majority of my formative years, constantly traveling and not having a permanent residence.

Maybe so, but for now, I love how I live my life. I just need my PTSD brain not to think we are struggling or failing.

I’m doing this on my own terms now, and I am building a fresh perspective.

I’ll be posting seven through eleven in a few days.

Writing this was a lot, but it was needed, and I’m happy I could share it with you all.

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A hard time, but I am aware time doesn’t exist.
A moment, then?

I can’t persist, but this needs an exit sign.
Maybe a path to clear my mind.

From what I have discovered, staying cerebral
is driving me insane.

The trauma lives in my membrane.
Get it the fuck out of me, and no, not in projections.
Keep the nightmares to a selection of my choosing,
but when I close my eyes, it’s a doozy.

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Trying to hold it together like there is a prize at the end.
I feel so alone, and that hurts because I am my only friend.

I smash mirrors and claim to be blind.
I am lying to myself. I just feel like slime.
I don’t want to look,
yet I take a peek.

The mirror asks, through a piece of shard,
“What do I seek?”

Eek, this is getting bleak because, as I look down to my feet, I see red.

I’d rather cut vertical than get back inside my head.

I open my mouth, but butterflies come out.

So I shout,

I am having a fucking day.

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And the mirror disappears, along with my grief.

There is nothing left to say.

Only the feeling of peace.

So you’re telling me I don’t always have to speak?

I can feel and release?

Well, that’s alright with me.

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