You thought of when she would no longer need your help, when she would have her own family, people who would depend on her the way she depended on you.

You stood up and placed a finger beneath her tiny nose to feel the warmth of her breath. You started doing that ever since Bola, your neighbour's baby, slept and refused to open her eyes again.

You called her name, almost in a whisper "Adunni", she chortled in her sleep, as if to answer you.

You watched her for a while, etching every feature of her delicate, small face, from her faint lashes, to her small rosy lips, into your mind.

It was a quiet morning, you could hear the sound of birds chirping in the distance. You wrote down a list of things to get from the grocery shop while you ate breakfast.

You went back upstairs afterwards. Adunni was up already, cooing and playing with her feet.

Her eyes lit up when she saw you and she smiled—a wide smile that showed her little pink gums. You chuckled and picked her up from her cot.

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Do you ever just get the urge to be a mother but not a wife? Or just me? Oh okay… bye.

I just got out of an absurdly long situationship...I don't know why I stayed for that long, it was nine months long you guysss, NINE MONTHS LONG!!!

He's probably going to see this and I hope he does because I didn't have the chance to tell him all these—I honesty don't care anymore if he feels bad about it, he needs to know what he's truly like.

At first the boy was so nice...posting videos about me and tagging me in them, flaunting me to his friend and all that, you know how they usually are at the beginning nau. Okay but he was genuinely nice sometimes, we had some good times…it's probably what made me stay for so long.

Even with all that sweetness, that guy is a narcissist...he said it so many times and I was like "no, you're not" at first, I was in love or maybe I was just stupid, I could see it but I just flat out denied it 🤦

He used to talk about his ex a lot, I allowed it because I can't lie guys, I'm a nosey person...I like gist. The way he talked about her was really sweet, but I could still tell he was toxic but did I leave??!! The answer is no (there's genuinely something wrong with me). He literally used to tell me how he'd make her jealous by flirting with her friends, he was genuinely moving weird.

I would call this boy every night and I would listen to him talk about her, I'd get annoyed sometimes but I'd still listen and ask questions to keep the conversation going. I knew more about her than I knew about him.

This guy was like, "I'm waiting for a good time to ask you out, I want it to be special" guess what, there was never a special time for the oga. It was always the same "I don't want to hurt you" bullsh*t. I still stayed, at some point I did not even want a relationship anymore. I was just there because I didn't want to be alone.

I overlooked so many things he did and said, I feel so foolish now lol. I was always the one texting first, he'd still give me slow replies—acting like I was bothering him, dry replies, and all. I'd listen to this guy vent about his past relationships, when he'd text his ex again and he'd tell me about it and start apologizing...I'd say it was okay and that I understood. I would send texts, pouring out my heart, telling him how bad he made me feel, wanting him to start treating me right but he no really send me 😂

It got to a point where I was starting to convince him to go back to his ex and leave my life alone...oh and btw, the girl started attending my school, and I used to see around school a lot, she started showing up on my tiktok fyp too—I felt like I was going crazy, it was like she started taking up space in my life.

Anyways, after going from hoping that this boy would love me eventually, to being utterly disgusted at the thought of him, I finally chose my peace, packed up and left...I cleared our chat for the sake of my sanity, I contemplated blocking him but I still haven't 😀 I don't know why. He did a lot of absurd things but oh well, there's only so much I can fit in one post.

Moral of the story: Don't be like me, leave immediately you start to see red flags. No, they are not going to change. No, they're not going to love you and ask you out eventually. No, they're not healing, they just don't like you like that.

Don't chase red flags, you're not a bull...okay byeee!!

Like, subscribe and shareeee, no make me vex 🔪

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1. I don't like waking up early when I don't have to.

2. I don't like the color white (I have no idea why 😂)

3. I don't like going a day without taking a nap (I get so irritated 😔)

4. I don't like when people come into my room and leave the door open on their way out.

5. I don't like when people touch me, biko keep your hands to yourself.

6. I don't like general lecturers, they're always draining.

7. I don't like how anxious I get in social situations.

8. I don't like it when people judge other people's music tastes (I listen to skyz sometimes 👀)

9. I don't like dark romance novels or enemies to lovers (don't judge me 😭)

10. I don't like when other Nigerian book lovers act like it's a crime to like reading books by Nigerian authors (don't you like being able to relate to something, or you like struggling to picture "seventh avenue subway" ????)

11. I don't like when people call me "ancient" just because I listen to old songs

12. I don't like when people don't like Daniel ceaser (you just have to love him, or just love his music)

13. I don't like when a lecturer calls on me to answer a question in class (sir, I wasn't even listening 😔)

14. I don't like American movies based on highschoolers anymore (for some reason it just gives me the ick)

15. I don't like when people are not chronically online enough to understand my vocal stims.

16. I don't like it when I tell someone to look at how beautiful a view is and they say "what's beautiful there?" (Oh please, shut up!!)

17. I don't like 8am classes (I have them every day 😔)

18. I don't like when people are unnecessarily rude.

19. I don't like when people that keep long nails fail to keep them clean ( maintain your claws or cut them fgs!!!) 😡

20. I don't like that I was so excited to turn 17 and now it's just "mehhhh" 😖

21. I don't like dogs at all, they're cute but nahhh

22. I don't like when people intentionally try to embarrass others and play it off as a joke (there are limits to jokes)

23. I don't like ignorant people that are ignorant of their ignorance (idk if that makes sense 😂)

24. I don't like when it rains when I'm not at home in my bed, taking a nap 😡

25. I don't like sitting in traffic (I don't know how people in Lagos cope fr)

26. I don't like how hard men have made it for women to simply exist in peace.

27. I don't like when people invalidate other people's feelings.

28. I don't like when people judge others based on their sexuality. LGBTQ+ slander is so uncalled for (sexual orientation is a real thing, learn some biology 🧏🏾) and please just let people live their lives.

29. I don't like it when people are loud.

30. I don't like it when I get panic attacks, it feels like I'm about to die sometimes.

31. I don't like losing my stitch count while crocheting.

32. I don't like it when people talk to while I'm counting my stitches while crocheting

33. I don't like when I have an idea of something to write and then I open my note app and my head just goes blank.

34. I don't like trying to find an outfit to wear, especially when I'm already late for my stupid 8am class.

36. I don't like when people comment on other people's weight (you don't know how hard they're trying to lose or gain weight, stop body shaming!!!)

37. I don't like when people wake me up mid-nap to ask me a question (I literally cry when that happens)

38. I don't like how uncomfortable I get when I'm alone with a man, it makes me feel like a prey and it proves how unsafe men have really made the world for women.

39. I don't like when women say they are not feminists while enjoying the outcomes of feminism.

40. I don't like that lust is the new love.

41. I don't like the wars that have been happening lately, it's like humanity no longer exists and world leaders are turning into vicious power blind, and blood hungry creatures.

42. I don't like when people cannot appreciate the sound of a good vehicle engine 😔

43. I don't like that I'm shy but also a talkative at the same time (it makes me feel like an imposter 😂)

44. I don't like that school is making it so difficult for me to enjoy my hobbies.

45. I don't like it when people talk slow, it irritates me so muchhh

46. I don't like it when people walk slowly.

47. I don't like people with no sense of urgency.

48. I don't like it when somebody catches me having a conversation with my self, I get so embarrassed 😭

49. I don't like when I have an unsuccessful thrift hunt.

50. I don't like people that suck at listening (is it only cho cho cho you know how to do?)

51. I don't like that I still struggle with loving myself.

52. I don't like how messed up my sleep schedule is sometimes

53. I don't like how Churches are low-key ruining Christianity.

54. I don't like that I don't get asked enough questions, I have so much to say.

55. I don't like being asked questions (unnecessary ones tho).

56. I don't like consumerism (especially when it is completely unnecessary).

57. I don't like that sometimes I feel like I'm failing at building a relationship with God.

58. I don't like when boys are prettier than me 😔

59. I don't like periods, can't a pigeon just come to my window and tell me that I'm not pregnant?

60. I don't like when the sun is too bright, and I struggle to see stuff.

61. I don't like unannounced test, they're the bane of my existence.

62. I don't like when people are like “oh, so you watch anime?” Emeka is it a crime???!

63. I don't like k dramas, they piss me off for some reason 😭

64. I don't like when I end up sitting in-between two men in Keke (it happens more often than you think).

65. I don't like when I want to take a nap but the nap doesn't want to take me.

66. I don't like when people put down other people's interest just because it's not something they're familiar with.

67. I don't like it when a movie series I'm attached to ends.

68. I don't like when my mirror says I look good but my camera disagrees 😔

69. I don't like that I'm broke half the time (send help!!!)

70. I don't like the sound of thunders.

71. I don't like it when I plan an outfit in my head but when I actually try it on, it turns out to be rubbish (I literally cry when this happens)

72. I don't like it when I think an outfit ate and then somebody say something negative about it and I end up feeling self conscious the whole day.

73. I don't like that I'm a chronic procrastinator.

74. I don't like that I know for a fact that I have ADHD and that it has greatly impacted my mental health and academics but my parents don't take it seriously enough to help me get a diagnosis (and Nigeria health system doesn't really care about psychological health)

75. I don't it when my socks are not comfortable enough.

76. I don't like how easily my fingers and toes get cold.

77. I don't like that I've been battling depression and anxiety ever since I was like 12 (I know I'll beat it tho, that's certain 😛)

78. I don't like it when it rains and my umbrella gets destroyed.

79. I don't like it when I see people hyping a book online and I read it and it's just mehhhh (it pisses me off)

80. I don't like it when people talk over my favorite part of a song I'm listening to and now I have to restart the whole song 😡

81. I don't like that I forget to eat.

82. I don't like that I have time blindness.

83. I don't like it when they fix classes on a Saturday

84. I don't like when people talk to me immediately after I wake up (leave alone pleaseeee)

85. I don't like when I put my music on shuffle but the Spotify doesn't play the song I want.

86. I don't like it when I plan to have a productive day but my body is just like nahhh.

87. I don't like when people don't read books or listen to music (it's weird to me, wdym you're rawdogging life?? 🧐)

88. I don't like fighting, I avoid it at all cost (I no get strength abeg)

89. I don't people sometimes, they overwhelm me.

90. I don't like when I get so overstimulated that I can barely function.

91. I don't like hair days, I just like the outcome. I hate sitting for hours and I hate the feeling of attachment on my body.

92. I don't like when I'm eating and next thing my taste buds just decided that the food is repulsive.

93. I don't like vast bodies of water and heights (they make me nauseous)

94. I don't like it when I'm inside a vehicle and the driver drives like we have nine lives.

95. I don't like it when my hyper fixations become boring.

96. I don't like it when I go out in public and the public is there.

97. I don't like having presentations at school (I'm too introverted for all of that 😖)

98. I don't like it when I get stomach aches out of nowhere.

99. I don't like it when my emotional support item goes missing (I lowk go crazy 😭)

100. I don't like that my subscribers on substack are reducing (don't abandon me please ☹️)

Yayyyyy, I got to 100 😝 I think I have more dislikes than likes 😂

Anywayssss, don't forget to subscribe, share and tell me what we have in common based on our dislikes!!!

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Thanks for reading! Love you all, muahhh 💋💕

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I never had the words to explain the things I saw, but I'll try now.

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I can't remember when it started, I don't remember how old I was but I know I was really young, no older than 6. I could always tell when it was about to happen—when they were on their way. My hands would always become thinner and longer than usual.

The world around me would shrink and then stretch out making everything wider and taller.

They would come, never less than 3—never more than 6, transparent with neon coloured outlines, for their human figure and features.

I don't know what their intentions were but whatever it was it didn't seem to sit right with me.

They would stare down at me, in attempts to shame me, they would try to hit me but they never actually did.

I could never hear their voices but I could always feel the intensity of their gestures.

Their shaming gazes, their pointing fingers, their mouths open in voiceless screams and slurs.

I used to be so scared, I would just freeze and wait for them to get tired and leave.

I prayed and prayed, that they would just go away but they never did. I started to mutter under my breath, telling them to leave when I was around others, and if I was alone I would beg them to leave and if they didn't, I would scream at them or wave my hands around in attempts to dissipate them, only then would they leave.

I started getting used to their visit after a while. I learnt to close my eyes sometimes and wait for them to leave, but other times they were so persistent that even when I closed my eyes and opened them they would still be there, their shaming and slurs growing intensely, I would cry and clutch my ears begging them to leave.

As I got older, their visits became lesser but anytime they came it was bad. I would look at my body and be unable to recognize it. Their faces, wrinkled by anger.

They attempted to strangle me once but they couldn't, that was when I got really scared. I decided to tell someone about it, I didn't want to handle it on my own anymore, but each time I was close to telling someone I would always stop myself...I just didn't know how to explain it, it scared me. I could never find the words. I would try to practice how to say it while standing in front of a mirror but it would always sounded silly, it sounded untrue but I knew it wasn't silly neither was it untrue, it wasn't just a figment of my imagination, it actually happened but I couldn't bring myself to say it to others.

Then one day, it just stopped and I was overjoyed, I felt free.

It was stupid, very stupid but I started to miss them, I would will them to come whenever I was alone, but they never came. I felt abandoned, forgotten.

Sometimes, my hand would get thinner and longer and I would feel their presence heavily, but they would never show themselves.

It started again when I was 14, they would come at random times. Sometimes I wouldn't see them for months, and then one random day they would visit.

They stopped again when I turned 15. I didn't miss them, I just willed myself to forget about them, I knew they didn't mean well for me and I already had a lot to deal with, I didn't need another strain on my mental health, I didn't need them.

Then they came once again this year, but it was different, their neon coloured outlines were faded, their shaming and slurs were lazy, their pointing fingers were weak. They were worn out, and I felt sorry for them. I told them to leave though, but I didn't scream, nor did I cry—I was worn out too.

Something in me had shifted and they noticed it too and for the first time, their faces took on a different expression, no longer anger—only pity.

They haven't visited since that day, I don't know if I want them to. I think I do, I need to see them one last time. I want it to be when I'm happy, truly happy, I want them to see me happy, I don't think they ever have and maybe, just maybe, they would smile for once.

I still don't know what they are, or why they visited, or why they did all those things to me, I don't know if I would ever figure it out but I know I want to see them smile, they deserve it too, I guess.

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It's 2:11am, stand by me by Ben E. King is playing a little bit too loudly on my headphones, it's on repeat of course…it's a bittersweet song, I'm heavy with nostalgia as memories from past years run around in my little head, old friends long forgotten, bonds once strong, times spent with family, my not so perfect childhood that was still made whole by the people around me.

The bitter part? The harsh realization that those times can never be relived, my heart aches to know if they too remember those moments both the unpleasant ones and the ones that still stand as core memories.

I wonder if my dad still remembers when he would carry me on his back so I can touch the ceiling fan.

I wonder if my mom still remembers when I would sit on the floor in the kitchen and watch her cook.

I wonder if my elder sister still remembers when she told me she was proud of me because she asked me to get her a shirt from the rope and I brought the exact one she was thinking of.

I wonder if all my siblings still remember when we would watch movies on the monitor our dad got for us, movies with subtitles, even when my younger sister couldn't read properly.

I wonder if younger brother still remembers the times when we would put our eyes against each other’s and blink really fast, I wonder if he remembers how we used to call it “eye kiss".

I wonder where my childhood friends are now, I miss them, especially you, Goodness…I wonder if he still remembers when we used to mould bread into the the shape of carrots and get really excited to eat it.

These memories—endless, heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once, they would forever be held tightly in my heart and every once in a while, I'll go back to them and try my best to relive them, tears streaming down my face as they are doing now.

I miss my childhood, I miss everyone that made it worth living, I miss when we would sit outside at night, the moon illuminating the dark land, talking and laughing, my mom scolding my little and overly hyperactive self to sit in one place, I miss being thrown in the air, my heart racing from my fear of heights and my face being unable to contain my joy.

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This is for everyone who made my childhood a wholesome mess for me to look back at and cry, I have so much love for you all…thank you for standing by me.

Thanks for reading don't forget to subscribe 🩷

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I was 8 when I first looked myself in the mirror and called myself ugly. 6, when I cried because I felt invisible whenever I walked with my siblings, they always got compliments and my even greetings would go unacknowledged. 13, when I used to pinch at my skin and wish I was not lean. 9, when I was bullied for my teeth and for being tiny. 11, when I wanted to bleach, just to be as light skinned as my siblings because I hate my caramel toned skin.

I died inside a little when I realized I liked being told I looked like a boy. I liked it because I was separated from normal, so I didn’t have to meet the beauty standards of girls my age. I played the role, putting up a personality that wasn’t entirely mine. Trying to look the part, I rebuked my self from wearing skirts and gowns, I only wore them to church.

I wonder if it’s the same for everyone, I wonder if it’s universal, growing up to realize you hated yourself as a child.

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Now, I look at myself in the mirror and I still notice my flaws, but what am I if I have no flaws, no scars, no regrets? Would I be a little less me, maybe even more than a little? I’ve learnt to love and appreciate myself, I know now that I am beautiful now, literally speaking.

I’m aware of the strength I possess, I’m proud to be feminine, instead of putting on a costume I hated and creating a mirage. I’m fully aware that being feminine is not being weak. I would like you to erase that thought if you’ve ever had it.

I like to think of the hate as a character build up. Now I smile widely with my teeth, I walk with grace and outmost elegance knowing I make heads turn. I look at my skin and fall in love with the brownest every time, my melanin skin. So, in the end, I guess it was all worth it. :)

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Ps: Don’t change who you are because of other people’s opinions. Even if you have to hate yourself a little to love yourself more, do so. Do what you want, be what you want, do you.

Have a great day lovelies <3