I often find myself drawing the same conclusion as I finish reading an article on estrangement. “This is missing the point.” I read heart rending pieces that paint the dark mosaic of emotions that parents experience after a child cuts them off. There are essays that describe in loving humility all the ways a parent can fall short and disappoint their children. Some venture in to the perspective of the adult child to attempt to illustrate that on some level, there might have been a warning, or a valid reason, or an unmet need, etc. These are things worthy of consideration for the growing population of parents looking for something to make sense of this. But I think, in the minute microanalyses of what went wrong, we miss the point of what is wrong. And that is the point.

From what I am able to discern after nearly 3 years of “no contact” with my two sons and their wives is that ultimately, there is only one thing worth considering that could possibly thwart this act of madness. That is the human connection.

In scripture, we learn that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Gen 2:18. We are made for connection. The most basic brick of connection in society is family. We also know that in this same book of scripture, man fell from grace and sin entered the world. Sin ruptured our relationship with God, and it ruptures our relationship with each other. The results of ruptured relationships are wounds. We all cause them. We all suffer them. Wounds can also be called trauma.

Gabor Mate, physician, author and speaker, says that when we are wounded, we often retreat into ourselves. In doing to, we lose contact with our authentic self and build a shell of individualism and self protection that blocks our ability to connect. Humans can only thrive through love, connection and mutual aid which heals our wounds and eases the suffering of the fallen world. This is the bulls eye of the “no contact movement”. It is a loss of humanity.

The cult leaders of estrangement operate like a pack of hyenas working a herd of impalas on the Serengeti. They find the adult children who are vulnerable to their machinations and manipulate them away from their protective family. Using the rhetoric and lexicon of psychology, they deliberately wear down the resolve of the isolated ones and close in. The kill is not in the prey, but in the death of the bond within the family. Humanity has been replaced by animalistic tribalism. And here, I think, is where we are missing the point.

In a recent article by , he quotes psychologist Marsha Linehan that “the way out of suffering is through misery”. He continues that “sometimes the only way to reduce our suffering is to stop fighting the reality causing it.” Linehan contrasts suffering with pain by stating that pain is unavoidable but suffering is not. I deeply agree that the fight against reality is futile, but I strongly disagree that suffering is avoidable. In fact, suffering is what separates us from the animals. It is what makes pain human.

A wounded bear does not think that he will never see his bear cubs again or never fish for tastey salmon before dying. He just thinks “this hurts” and he will bite you or kill you if you dare come near, even to help. He has gone “no contact”. Human suffering is existential. It comes from the soul and is so strong that it can actually change the neurobiological structure of our minds and bodies. It is the result of a fallen, sinful world that can ravish our lives, even in the absence of a physical trauma. Suffering is inevitable, but because we are human, we can bear the burden of suffering. We can share the experiences and pour out healing empathy and compassion. Connection eases suffering but turning inward isolates it and hardens us. It should shake us to our core to think that the humans we gave life to, nourished and nurtured, wrapped our minds, hearts, and souls around could fall into the pit of estrangement where only animals dwell who have no compassion, empathy, gratitude or charity. Only their blocked in pain that compels them to wound and kill. (Dr. Coleman once referred to estrangement as “soul murder”.)

Therefore, the point I believe we are missing in all the discussions we have about the experiences, perspectives, causes, and statistics, is what is happening right before our eyes. Our adult children, whether willingly or through coercion by influencers or partners, are losing their humanity. They are delivering sentences on their parents without the slightest appearance of the most basic qualities that separate us from animals - empathy and understanding. Like the bird that kicks her chick from the nest, they kick us from their lives without a second thought. I will no doubt get pushback that “they do have feelings” or “they do love you” and I call BS. Where is the evidence? There is no hope for a future in a power play where only once side has all the power, where that side demonstrates zero compassion, where that side admits no contribution to the problem. This is being played out slowly as only the Marquis de Sade could devise with no intended resolution. Parents yearn for connection, repent of their failures, and hold love and forgiveness despite the dismantling of their own story. This is the human touch but an inhuman creature will not receive it.

We were good parents with flaws. They were good kids with flaws. We have value. We have dignity. The reality is that I have 13 grandchildren I will never see until my ACs regain their humanity. I have two beloved sons who I will never hug or laugh with until they regain their humanity. This is reality and there is a power in planting my feet in it.

We have futures that we are bound to live because we continue to live in humanity. Parents, live your lives. Do not waste one more minute being willing victim to this travesty. I pray for a miracle. I pray that our ACs will wake like sleeping beauties to the reality of families who love them. I pray that one influencer will realize the misery of living the atomistic, self absorbed life and be a spark for others. I pray that this spark will become a flame that will engulf this movement with the memories of love, loyalty and connection that starts in the family. This will be a watershed moment. God willing.

I have been planning to write a review of the Chicago Summit but it seems to me that the discussion surrounding Estrangement is heating up so I’m going to postpone that. Perhaps it is my algorithm that is feeding me more information, but the articles and videos I am viewing are recent, increasingly more open to the parents’ perspective, and driven by coaches, therapists and psychologists who are acknowledging that the pendulum did swing hard toward no contact without consideration of the trainwreck up ahead. There is also a groundswell of parents who are choosing to break the silence they have lived in for years and call this movement for what it is. It is a disaster.

When the boomer generation grew up (myself included), we knew our parents could be hurtful, judgmental, critical, controlling, and harsh. But we also knew that our parents had histories. My father, his brother, and mother were abandoned by his alcoholic, womanizing father when he was 3. He and his brother worked jobs as children in a tough mining town to help their mother support the household. He carried significant anger issues, explosive rages, expectations for excellence, prejudices and he became cruel when he drank. But he loved poetry. He read everything he could get his hands on and fostered a love for literature and the English language in me. He spoke beautiful French and made me want to learn other languages. He never forgot a good joke and was one of the funniest people I have ever known. He was a successful dentist and was loved by all his patients. He had two sides. My mother was raised by a father who raged when he was home, which was seldom, as he traveled in a sales position for a large oil company. Her mother suffered from deep post partum depression and spent months in bed after each of her six babies. Motherhood was overwhelming for her and if it wasn’t for sweet Mary, their Southern Black housemaid, my mother and her siblings would have had little maternal presence in their lives. My mother was cold with a stiff upper lip. She was bitter that my father moved her from the big city of St. Louis to a small mining town in Montana. She didn’t hug, she didn’t say “I love you”. She kept us clean, well behaved, and quiet when my dad got home. But she was creative, beautiful, and could play the piano like an angel. She was extremely intelligent and worked as a psychiatric nurse before marrying - entertaining us with tales from the asylum where she had worked. She loved to laugh and taught my sister and I all we needed to know about decorating, etiquette and entertaining. She had two sides. In other words, my parents were flawed humans with good qualities who did the best they could with the tools they inherited. They had two sides that were a mosaic of their histories. We never questioned that they were someone we would or ever could discard.

They raised us in a different world. In it came the sexual revolution. And the civil rights era. And sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. And the Vietnam War. I grew up in a time of transition that occurred in such a short time, that society could barely adjust. It was also a time of new prosperity where suburban parents lived without the financial worries of their times. My childhood consisted of mounting my bike in the morning after breakfast and knowing that at least I had to be home for dinner. No one worried about me. My friends and I were independent and for a good part of the time we raised each other. We had far fewer responsibilities and concerns than the generation that preceded us. We were exposed to a lot of world, and a little parenting. We grew up empathetic and compassionate toward people who didn’t look like us and soldiers coming home from a useless war. Boomers experimented with alcohol, drugs and physical intimacy. But there was still an unspoken safety in our homes if we messed up. Most of us knew that when our curfew came, we would go home to a hot meal, a table full of family, and parents who might not have been perfect but were there. It was, seemingly, the last of the era of the intact family.

We grew up and became the most educated, financially stable, and psychologically “in tune” generation. We had children in a world where most of them experienced parents who could focus on their success and make sure they had opportunities that we and the generation before us could only have dreamed of. We signed them up for soccer, track, band, choir, speech and debate, dance, and volleyball. These kids became the epicenter of our universe. But they also grew up in families of divorce. They were introduced to rapidly progressing technologies that their parents would take decades (if ever) to understand. Pressure of appearance, popularity, and success pressed down from an artificial grading system on Facebook, Tic Toc and Instagram. Boys were raised in an egalitarian system that fostered the “sensitive new age guy” and girls were assured that they could be just like boys in almost every way. The blurring of familial roles led to confusion that brought disorder into many homes and displacement to functional traditional roles. Fatherless homes, daycare, and mothers in the workforce gave the radically changing world unspoken access to our kids.

Before I am confronted about the positive effects of education and work opportunities for women, etc., I am not saying this is to blame for anything. I am simply stating that a long, sequential series of events evolved into a familial crisis that we could never have anticipated. The agrarian home where families were with each other 24 hours a day would become a home where people were ships passing in the night. Togetherness became gathering at a sporting event, dance recital or choir concert where one person was the center of attention and the rest of the family the audience. It changed the “us” to “me”. The sense of cohesion families had working on a farm, or helping to financially support, or simply assisting with the other children in the home was fading. Individual performance and success became the focus. And we lost something.

Enter the millenial generation. There is growing evidence in the study of modern families that all the opportunities, focus, and attention may not have served these now adults well. Research suggests that there is more mental illness, substance abuse, loneliness, hopelessness and isolation than in any other generation. The sensitive new age guy is often passive and commonly subject to a woman who leads, makes the decisions in the home, and permits or restricts outside relationships. Including parents. The sense of family is now a solitary microcosm rather than a branch of a historical, traditional tree. Rather than developing confident, compassionate, open-minded members of society, decades of a fawning, adulation and everyone-gets-a-trophy mindset has created individualistic, egoistic, entitled adults who flee from the day to day annoyances, conflicts, and weaknesses and flaws of others - especially those closest to them. The pendulum has swung hard against the family.

Today, research at Cornell University estimates that one in four people have experienced estrangement from a close family member. This should stop us in our tracks. In the last half century, we have descended from the close-knit, supportive structure of the extended family to an atomistic society in decline. It’s every man for himself and children are being taught that love is disposable. Empathy is portrayed as weakness and discard and erasure are strength. If it isn’t good for me, it isn’t good for my nuclear family and my “peace” trumps the rights and privileges of everyone else. Sociopathy is an informal term for a pattern of bad behavior and a lack of empathy. If the shoe fits…

When I entered the world of estrangement, I never knew such a thing existed. I knew that children sometimes left families - either by choice or triage - usually temporarily while they worked out difficulties. I knew that divorce created stress in relationships and there were cases of alienation that were considered a sick act of revenge. I had never encountered the term “no contact” or heard of grandparents who were deleted from loving relationships with their grandchildren. By the time I encountered Family Troubles, the group was 74,000 strong and rated the #1 family group on Substack. The problem was truly epidemic in proportion.

The good news, is that over the course of the last two years, I have noticed a trend. The devastating effects of estrangement on parents including grief, shock, humiliation, isolation, sense of worthlessness and despair lure the parent underground. In doing so, there is perpetuation in a sense of being “the only one”. In this dark place, there is no hope, no support, and no ability to discern what the reality of the situation is. Support groups are changing this. As individual parents speak out about their experiences, there is a sudden revelation that not only am I not the only one, but there is a seemingly coincidental reiteration of the story that crosses all cultures, countries and societal strata. They find that their adult children use the same phrases, vocabulary, and rejection tactics without the slightest appearance of compassion, understanding, or desire for repair. Their generation was ripe for the picking for a cult movement aimed at the destruction of the family. Parents can gain access to social media outlets which expose the perpetrators who applaud and encourage this outrageous behavior (Reddit, TicTok, Instagram, Facebook). For perhaps the first time, we can witness the rot at its core and evaluate their strategy. Parents can safely say that this is not peculiar to our families. It is eminently clear that no family is exempt from this attack and the likelihood that we did something so egregious to deserve the disdain and contempt being poured out on us is probably pretty small.

So how do we set the pendulum back in the other direction? The first step is to enter into the stark reality of what we are experiencing. We have to realize that this isn’t personal. This is an attack on families perpetrated by manipulative influencers, some but not all of them therapists. It is a sociocultural movement to separate the smallest structure in society - the family - into individuals bereft of empathy or compassion. It will not stop with our children. Our grandchildren are learning from the ground up. The Chinese Communist Party separated children from their families and educated them to have singular loyalty to the CCP and to relish the opportunity to rat out their own family members when possible. We must recognize that there is a dark force driving our kids in this direction and expose it to the light.

Public forums such as Substack and social media outlets are now seeing rising voices in the pro-family, anti-estrangement arenas. Champions such as Peter Anderson, Joshua Coleman, Candi Morris, Tania Khazaal have brave and powerful videos that decry the estrangement movement and promote reconciliation and repair. Even influential adult child therapists such as Matthias Barker are coming around to see the world through the lenses of both the parent and adult child. But these platforms are only as good as the people who support them. Parents must enter the fray and make their voices heard. If you view a video or clip from these heroes, “like” their video. Share their video. Write an article and expound on what they are saying and how your life is impacted by it. The AC trolls who hang out are armed with vitriol and hateful name calling, but that’s part of the plan. I have noticed an encouraging increase in engagement on the Family Troubles chat recently and people are sharing their stories like never before. There is strength in numbers!

I would also encourage parents to speak out in your communities. I derived no benefit from avoiding the topic in conversations. When I meet someone who asks about my family, I do not hesitate to tell them that my two adult sons and their wives are in a cult that has cut us out of their lives. I am dumbfounded in how many people share with me their own experience or the experience of someone they know. It’s one in four people. It’s called networking.

The final recommendation I might give - and this is hard for many parents to hear - is to move on with your life. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It doesn’t mean that you close the door to repair. But you do no good to your heart or society by crumbling under the weight of this travesty. This is on them. Don’t let them win. They are behaving deplorably and it is not your fault or responsibility to change. I have yet to communicate with a parent who would not be open to reconciliation at any time, but I caution that this be done on terms that are satisfactory for you. I have listened to parents who promised things they could probably not deliver on or agreed to take responsibility for things they never did only to be crushed by another cruel and premeditated rejection. Jordan Peterson states that in disagreements, we should always negotiate but never compromise. When you compromise, someone loses. In negotiation, we communicate on both sides where we have failed, where we could do better, and what would be mutually satisfying in a healed relationship. I find this the only long term solution. If your child is strictly no contact, then as hard as it may be, you must move on without them. I truly believe that if parents coalesce in this mindset, it will take the power away from this movement. When the thrill of the chase is removed and these ACs see that they are pissing in the wind, the movement will die out. Revolutions always have a goal but cults are pointless and irrelevant. If you have an inheritance, do not feel guilty for leaving it to your grandchildren. Why would you give a final paycheck to someone for torturing you in your last years? You will never replace or stop loving these children that you gave life to, fed, hugged, supported and raised. Hold that in your heart with love but don’t hesitate to allow young families into your life who may not have extended family and desire one. (A caveat here would be to avoid like the plague “adopting” adult children who have estranged their families of origin.)

I offered to write amends letters to my kids early on. They rejected the idea wholesale and I am now glad I didn’t. For my part, I have no desire to write an amends letter for being human. I long for the close, loving relationship I had with my sons, but there is no visible trace of them anymore. I will never stop praying that God will remove their hearts of stone and replace them with hearts of flesh, but until or if that time arrives, I will not be distracted in a game that was fixed from the start. I hope that this gives a little inspiration to parents on this arduous journey. Of course, we all have to walk it according to our own hearts. The most important thing to remember is reality. You were good parents. You are good parents. You are not alone and your life has tremendous meaning. Those who choose to dwell in self serving fabrications of life have a right to do so. Stay in reality. Swing that pendulum back. Hard.

I wanted to write a brief summary of my experience at the Family Summit on Estrangement Conference in Chicago this week. I want to wait a couple weeks to process the waterfall of information before writing on the actual substance, but the experience deserves commentary now. It was the best thing I have done for myself in the last 2 1/2 years.

First of all, Nancy Kerry is beyond amazing. Every detail of the conference went off without a hitch - the venue, speakers, sound, video, food and beverages. I cannot comprehend what it took to be that smooth, organized and successful but she did it. So congratulations to Nancy and deepest gratitude to anyone and everyone involved.

Secondly, Aimee Palmer of Parents of Estranged Adult Children (PEAC) had a lovely, intimate dinner the night before the conference where a smaller group of parents were able to meet new friends and break the ice of estrangement in a less intimidating environment. My interactions with Roberta Wasserman and Jennifer Hershon on Substack made meeting them there feel like meeting old friends. I was safe in my life’s condition. It was a great way to get my feet wet before the big day.

The conference itself consisted of four speakers in the morning with a panel discussion afterward, a lovely lunch, and four speakers with panel discussion and finally a Q&A finishing out the day. I have said it many times, but it felt like drinking from a fire hose. The information was pertinent, reality and research based, comprehensive, and delivered with incredible care, empathy and understanding. The most uncomfortable and best parts for me were the presenters (Matthias Barker, LMHC and Dr. Kristina Scharp) who shared the insight they have gained from working directly with Adult Children. It is hard to hear things that go so very much against the grain, but so very necessary. We sat at tables of 8-10 people and had the opportunity to share our stories with one another throughout the talks. In between, we mingled along the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan and wove in and out between each of our common messy lives of estrangement. A mother I met confided that she hoped it wouldn’t be a day of “wallowing” in our estrangement. I think she was pleasantly surprised by day’s end.

At the end of the conference, we had a ridiculously accessible reception where all the speakers made themselves available for introductions, sharing of individual stories, and personal questions. I have never attended a conference where I felt such true concern and connection with the speakers. These people are authentic. They are the real deal. They have the hearts of missionaries wandering out into this unknown landscape of suffering and misunderstanding. Their work is so difficult and in dire need of more research, but they have the forebearance and courage to take it on and follow through.

When I got back to my hotel room Friday night, I felt so many things. I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. I felt heard and understood. I felt that all was not lost and that there are truly competent, sincere professionals willing to take up the battle to the end - wherever that may be. But more than anything, I was so grateful for my estranged community that I never wanted to belong to. There is nothing like being in a room of 200+ people who speak your language, who share your experience, who know your pain, heartache, loss, struggle. I never thought I would be entirely with people whose eyes met mine with pure empathy and comraderie in this otherwise unspeakable predicament. No one had to say a word about what this had done to their lives, hearts, minds, and souls - we all knew. Our stories were all distinct - without a difference. We nodded, cried, laughed and hugged. Our spirits melded. And for one day, we were not other. We were family.

I am hoping that this experience will perhaps stir some interest in doing more of these conflabs, maybe in smaller numbers and more regions so that they are more accessible to more people. I wish so much that everyone in the quagmire of estrangement could experience something similar to this. I’m pretty motivated to look into what that might look like. If you weren’t able to attend, I believe Dr. Coleman is going to see if taping might be available for purchase. If so, I highly recommend it. And, the good Lord willing, this may be the first of many events of its kind to sooth our shared wounds and promote their healing. If only for a weekend.

When we lived in Montana, we used to say we had nine months of winter and three months of company. Here in South Dakota, the winters are milder but we still have three months of company every summer. Before our guests started arriving this year, a good friend of mine called and asked if I would contact a friend of hers whose son has gone no contact. I did, and like all the rest of us, she thought she was the only one. She is a practicing Christian in a stable home. Her son was raised like most millennials - protected, entitled, and deeply loved. I related my journey over the last two years and gave her as many resources as I could think of. She was deeply grateful and we agreed to stay in touch. Then, company season began.

After many awkward introductions and reunions, I have decided to inform people, who don’t know about the estrangement, as soon after we get together as possible. I let them know that our adult children and their wives have cut off all contact with us and have severed our ties with our grandchildren. I brief them on the cultic nature of the epidemic, and let them know that inspite of the devastation it has caused in our family that while deeply sad, we are getting on with life. They are universally shocked, supportive, and loving. From that point, we usually get on with our visit, enjoy each others’ company, and say our goodbyes ‘til next year. This year was different. Two families who have already come through our home have related stories of “no-contact” situations with people in their lives. They tell in disbelief of healthy appearing, presumably functional families being torn asunder by an adult child(ren) cutting them off. They are stunned at the rapidity of growth and increasingly common incidence of this deranged practice. Suddenly, people in general are aware.

I recall those first days, weeks, months of disorientation, embarrassment, and disbelief. I had gratefully just completed therapy with a Heaven sent therapist for emotional dysregulation I suffered after the loss of my oldest son to suicide and the deleterious effects Covid had on my healthcare career. This resulted in the decision to sell our home and move from Montana to South Dakota where we hoped to find stability in a world gone mad. I was finally getting my sea legs under me when my two sons and their wives went no contact and denied access to the loves of my life - my grandchildren. Had it not been for the work I had done over the previous 8 months, I fear to think of what would have happened to me emotionally and psychologically. And even then, it was a crushing blow.

So, even with the astonishing and heart breaking spread of parental discard in our country, I feel incredibly blessed to have those worst days behind me each time I encounter another casualty. I feel a vice on my heart when I hear yet another tale of erasure. However, I know the value of having someone who has experienced it. I know the relief in finding out I wasn’t the only one. I know the whisper of hope in encountering good, loving, suffering people who are not only surviving but who are ready for the fight. Misery may love company, but in the community of discarded parents, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We are united by a common experience and fueled by the love of being parents.

I head to Chicago tomorrow to listen to some of the top voices in the world of estrangement. My soul is ready to hear the different perspectives on healing, reconciliation, or perhaps moving on. My exposure to most of these people has strengthened my resolve to continue on the path to emotional wellness. One speaker, Matthias Barker, is a thorn in my paw and I am excited to challenge what I have seen as infantalizing, enabling, and therapist co-dependence in many of his presentations. I am not alone, and I am not who my adult children portray me to be. I am a loving, generous, patient mother who has risen above the low points in my life and forged ahead to be better. This did not kill me and I am stronger.

I hope to bring home many things to share from this conference. I will bring each and every one of your hearts with me. I give thanks for the shared support, stories, backward slides and leaps forward. If we build a firewall, I believe we can stop the spread of this scourge with exposure, fighting back with love, holding each other up, and knowing those children we raised have our spirit going for them. Say a prayer for this country girl as I venture into the big city. I will keep you all in mine. Hold down the fort and see you next week!

I am providing this explanatory and systematic essay in large part for those parents who are new to the world of estrangement by an adult child. However, it will likely be useful for all parents in our orbit not only for review, but to keep abreast of this rapidly growing lexicon of creative and convoluted terms. I remember clearly my first days of disorientation in which my grown sons pressed delete on my position as their mother and the grandmother of their children. I felt like I was walking through a carnival house of madness as I tried to reconcile the demands, accusations, and misnomers applied to the act of termination. To say I was confused would be the understatement of the century.

There is a high profile subgroup of therapists and cult personalities associated with the no-contact movement. These masters of manipulation have captivated the imaginations of our adult children with their confident displays of “expertise” in explaining why everything wrong in their lives is the fault of their parents. By retooling the vocabulary and sympathetically applying it to any stressor our kids have, they gain a devoted and loyal following. Imagine their relief in disposing of every wound, anxiety, or life stressor by simply placing the responsibility on the people who raised them and fortifying the sentence with professional speak. The following is a representation of the most common terms, but certainly not a complete list. Enjoy.

ACCOUNTABILITY. This powerful word is used to impress upon parents the total lack of awareness they have about what degenerates they are. The term applies to everything you have done in your entire life that was a poor choice, mistake, accident, or even appropriate decision that annoyed, stressed, hurt the feelings of, or just didn’t sit well with the adult child. It may be something they only heard of, but hey - rumors, hyperbole and fairy tales are traumatic too. Accountability also includes things you verifiably did not do, but it still would have been hurtful if you did do it. So, take accountability! The only remedy for your lack of accountability might be admitting you are a serial killer. Anything less will assuredly not be accepted.

PROTECTING MY PEACE. When an estranged child informs you that they are protecting their peace, what they mean is that you are responsible for all their dis-ease. You are no longer welcome in their home. It really doesn’t have anything to do with peace in general. It disturbs your peace. It disturbs their children’s peace. But they have an atomistic, egocentric, individualistic desire for an environment where their neuvo-history is the only one that matters. Sitting on the seat of judgment is incredibly peaceful when their word is the last word. Off with their heads! Parents pose a threat to exposing the details of imperfections that exist outside their Truman Show. How can one carry on a life of perfect peace when there are people who know their flaws? Too risky.

MANIPULATIVE. This is a versatile adjective that adult children can apply to many facets of your attempts to communicate with them. Do you apologize, even for things you did not do (see accountability)? Your apologies are not sincere. You are manipulating. Have you asked to demonstrate that you have “done the hard work”?Aha! Trying to weasel your way back in - that’s manipulation. No matter what angle you approach to apologize or prove yourself, it will be interpreted as a devious attempt to manipulate yourself back into their life. Have you requested to meet with them, explain circumstances, send loving texts, acknowledge special occasions, etc. ? You’re a manipulator. You get my drift.

NARCISSISTIC. The granddaddy of all labels. Without exception, this term can be applied to more of your traits than any other. Are you aghast that your own child could sever ties with their own parents with no explanation? Narcissist! Do you have anywhere in your psyche that thinks that the money you lent, the time you spent helping them out, the sacrifices you made, the support you devoted, the love you pored out deserve any acknowledgment? Narc, narc, narc! Do you defend yourself against false accusations? Really, if you think that just because half your life is being erased without a trace, that you deserve anything other than disdain and contempt, you seriously need treatment for NPD. (PD=personality disorder) Which leads to the next term…

DO THE WORK. While your grown children wake up every morning to birds singing in the background of a living paradise, free from annoyances or conflict, your job is to “do the work”. What this means is anyone’s guess as they won’t expound on just exactly what behaviors were that exploded their tolerance. But, don’t be tempted to ask for specifics from the expert diagnosticians, as that will only demonstrate your “lack of self reflection”. It’s a guessing game that you can’t win. They are perpetually upping the ante, changing the rules, and adding to the list of egregious errors you have made, though they can’t seem to utter them out loud. You can easily get sucked into the world of perpetual psychotherapy, so tread lightly. If you’ve been in therapy for years because of estrangement without progress, you might consider that the wrong person is in therapy.

IT ISN’T ABOUT (INSERT SPOUSE’S NAME HERE). If you are inclined to wonder if your son or daughter-in-law is the impetus behind the estrangement, stop. JUST STOP! This is entirely between you and your child with a benevolent, impartial, whole heartedly neutral spouse in the background knitting and humming “Let There Be Peace On Earth”. Please disregard that shortly before the rupture, your child told you they love you, that they appreciated some act of kindness you had done, or shared a tender memory with plans of building more. Look, people say things. Are you so delusional that you take to heart reminiscences and gestures of a loving relationship? Oh, and that encounter you had in a public space where the cult-of-one spouse verbally attacked you, snubbed and turned their back on you, protected their children from you as if you were a werewolf? Purely coincidental. Or you may have imagined the entire event. We see this in unstable people like parents.

TRIGGERED. This is the dumpster for every hypersensitive, fragile, scary monster response from the adult child. Hyperbole, you say? I had to clip an example from a chat site to ensure my representation was pure:

Parents, you may as well sign up for Al Qaeda with terrorist tactics like this. I was accused of ambushing my son’s family after hanging a birthday present for my grandson on their mailbox in the early days of my ignorance. How could I have been so callous and threatening? We just don’t get it.

ENDING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. I had considered separating abuse from this term, but I believe this phrase encompasses it all. It would behoove us all to revisit the definition of abuse as proposed by above mentioned therapists before we question that exaggeration may be at play. Though we never thought of a swat with the pancake turner or being grounded for a week was abuse, the vast array of applications for this word now is formidable. Abuse can be not making it to an athletic event or music recital. It can be crying too much when you suffer a deep loss. Abuse can result from stating an opinion or disagreeing on a purely subjective variety of topics. It can be a statement made thoughtlessly or innocently about parenting, lifestyle, politics, or ideologies. Abuse has become the most nebulous literary device of our time. And conveniently so. If your adult child is triggered (see above) by something that came from your camp, abuse stands as the most facile way to summarize its impact. Oh, and forgive me, INTENTION IS NOT THE SAME AS IMPACT will have to wait for another day to expound upon. Good Heavens. Now, numerous published, reputable psychologists have said and continue to say that separating children from loving relationships with their grandparents is abuse. They explain that the devastating effects done to both the grandparents and grandchildren intentionally cause harm and injury to both parties, some of which are irreversible. Refusal to dialogue with and seek understanding and possible reconciliation with a close family member can also be abusive when done in a punitive manner against persons who are not dangerous (i.e. verbally or physically harmful). But, the abuse wagon travels in only one direction. There is something about being a parent that strips you of the same basic human rights afforded your children, i.e. the right to charity, dignity, safety and respect.

EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY. Finally, the label that requires no definition. It requires no recognition in the field of psychology. It is a free-flowing term that can be weaponized by any person feeling particularly morally superior at the moment. Do you have needs? Emotional immaturity. Are you hurt, saddened, heartbroken, devastated, tortured, disappointed, destabilized, disoriented by the cruel rejection and erasure by your adult child? Could you be any more emotionally immature? This may be due to your narcissistic lack of accountability causing you to disturb their peace by manipulating and perpetuating the cycle of abuse, therefore triggering these poor adult children. You clearly haven’t done the work.

I would love to hear any more terms that have come up in your journey as an estranged parent in the comments. Please forgive the obvious sarcasm, but the absurdity this movement has reached deserves parody. Perhaps if we all can come to an agreement that this has gone off the cliff, we can all organize a rescue mission as well.

Be angry, but sin not. Ephesians 4:26. Through the many phases of emotions surrounding estrangement, perhaps the the most tricky is that of anger. Anger can stir one to positive action or turn calm into blind rage. Anger can change the controlled physiology of the human body into a house of decisive motivation or the discomfort of tense muscles, dry mouth, dilated pupils and stalled digestion. Anger can come from a place of vengeance, wrath, rage or attack. It can also come from a thoughtful, measured response to a perceived injustice. It seems that the majority opinion for parents of estranged adult children, is that anger usually prevents one from achieving progress toward healing. To a large extent, I disagree and will try to explain why.

I am currently working on the radical acceptance model of estrangement as described by Dr. Joshua Coleman of Family Troubles. The understanding is that when all efforts at reconciliation by the parent to the AC are rebuked and rejected, the only reasonable response is acceptance. But I’m still angry. It seems to me that radical acceptance can be achieved either through an attitude of defeat whereas one surrenders to something more powerful, or conversely, a posture of victory in which we pronounce that “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”. Estrangement (in the absence of identifiable real abuse by the parent - which at this point should go without saying) is among the most absurd and cruel injustices that demands a response. Righteous anger can compel the wronged parent to acknowledge that their rightful place in the family has been usurped by petty tyrants, but they will not go down defeated. Instead, parents could move forward into fulfilling lives that they actually have a say in with people who actually love and honor them. It’s a righteous crushing of the illusion of victory that adult children portray in their cults and echo chambers. It eviscerates their narrative. We are loveable, functional, valuable contributors to society and we can refuse to remain captive to delusional despots.

There are several areas in the boxing ring of estrangement that I am hoping to invade. The first is ownership of the language. ACs have co-opted the lexicon to give license to the use of narcissist, borderline, manipulative, lacking boundaries and self reflection, unaccountable, triangulating, controlling, neglectful, etc. to universally describe the parents who raised these paragons of perfection. We have to take back the language. Righteous anger can motivate us to refuse to submit to their labels and to reveal to the world their preposterous claim that somehow all of us share these imposed “diagnoses”. We have got to challenge this assertion that they miraculously achieved this state of moral superiority without any input from the people who gave them birth, nourished , taught, supported, financed, advised, comforted, clothed, entertained, became audiences for, and more. They aren’t “protecting their peace”, they are feeding an egocentric worldview that “if I have problems, there is a parent to blame and punish”. They aren’t breaking any cycles but instead are centrifuging chaos into the entire family system - parents, grandchildren and siblings. They submit their minds and decision making to rogue therapists who write their mantra scripts. The cycles are perpetuated at lightening speed.

Another area that stirs my craving for justice is the vitriol. It is apparent to anyone who is brave enough to to enter the media sphere of the ACs, that it is a place of mean spirited contempt exceeded by none. The contrast with the parents who are suffering one of the greatest losses of their lives while reserving love, commitment to change and reconciliation (oh, and accountability) is astounding. There seems to be no end to the contempt and disdain shoveled out upon the people who love them most. There is a vacuous lack of compassion or empathy. This should stir righteous anger in the coldest of hearts. The vision of a pack of hungry wolves is evoked. What loss of humanity champions kicking the parent while they’re down and encouraging them to “go in for the kill”? I don’t say that lightly as many parents are seeing their last days unfold while being crushed by the weight of the stones of their children’s scorn and derision. My desire for justice is never so strong as when I read the agonizing stories of these loving, sincere human beings. It is criminal.

And then, there are the grandchildren. Many of the grandchildren involved had years of close, loving relationships with the grandparents who were snuffed from their lives. These are children who had sleepovers, movie nights, trips to the amusement parks and swimming pools, special story times, and the list is endless. These are children who begged their parents to let them go home with Gramma and Grampa after church, who cried “nooooo!” when their parents came to pick them up, who said “You’re the best Gramma in the world!” and “I love you the most.” The research is definitive that the harm to grandchildren suddenly and entirely removed from loving relationships with their grandparents causes deep wounds. It is frequently termed child abuse and weaponization. It is, as quoted so often, adults hating their parents more than they love their own children. It is inexcusable. It makes me angry. Adult children do not have to have relationships with their parents if they so choose. They are adults. But, their children aren’t theirs. They are on loan from God which makes their negation of a close relationship with their grandparents so scandalous. They are innocent pawns in their parents’ social experiments and there is no excuse for it. Crimes against the innocent are the most abominable of all.

I feel the need to delve into righteous anger because I think it holds the key for those of us whose adult children have chosen to discard us. I believe that we can forge ahead with fruitful, fulfilling lives while still standing against injustice. I believe that if the choice is between collapsing in defeat under the weight of our children’s bad behavior or thriving outside those relationships while staying in the fight, I choose the latter. In my opinion, we have to reclaim the position of leadership in our families and refuse to accept disrespect and shaming from our progeny. If we get healthy, nourish relationships, embrace gratitude for the blessings in our lives, and find confidence in the good parents we were, are and can be, we will find stability. We are not on the outside of their families, they removed themselves from ours. For me, they can come back anytime. But it will be with the family structure that I intend to defend and fight for. Be a little angry. Stay in the fight.

I have recently been wandering out into the world of estrangement, beyond the safety of Family Troubles on Substack. After over two years of experiencing life without my two youngest sons and 13 grandchildren there has been a stirring to wander outside my comfort zone. Two of the people I have encountered include estranged mom Candi Morris on Estranged and Rearranged and Peter Anderson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Dr. Coleman, also, continues to have intriguing guests such as trauma therapist Jeremy Fox. Their perspectives have been refreshing and have deepened my understanding of this divisive and culture changing phenomenon. What is happening in my realm, is a sense of stability returning. I believe this stability is a direct result of consuming truth.

We all know the jargon associated with the adult children who estrange parents. Coached by poorly trained, social media driven, and/or codependent therapists, these ACs begin to consume and regurgitate labels for their parents including narcissist, toxic, borderline, emotionally immature, lacking self reflection, manipulative, etc. The hasty application of these terms along with wholesale rejection of communication sets the stage for the demolition of a relationship based on bullying, demeaning, contempt and control. The important thing missing in nearly every case is truth. What my journey further into the analysts of estrangement has shown me, is that the AC position is built on shifting sand. Because it lacks the basic cornerstone of the true, the good, and the beautiful, it is destined to crumble. It is a facade.

Every parent will have their own path forward in this world. Some parents will take the amends letter approach, accepting that the accusations their children cast upon them have a “kernel of truth”. They may have a hole in their life that can only be filled by acknowledging an exaggerated or non-existent guilt. They may resign themselves to a life of on again-off again maneuvering by their children in order to have something. Anything. They might apologize to disdainful sons or daughters-in-law for imagined slights or insults. I understand and support the parents who choose to try this approach. For my part, I’m going for the truth, because the truth will set you free.

Parents of estrangement are thrust into a situation where we feel helpless. For most of us, this stimulates survival instinct and we reflexively reach out for help. Because everything we have done in our adult lives has been turned topsy-turvy, the only available option is change. Sink or swim. When I reflect on who I was before my sons’ families discarded me, I am able to see what was the result of decades of imperfect formation. Though being my harshest critic, I can lend compassion to the little girl who was verbally abused and neglected, went on to pursue unhealthy relationships, lost loved ones, experienced animal, property, and cultural losses. I became a flawed, wounded adult. In spite of this, with God’s grace and genetic resilience I was able to obtain an education, become a professional, maintain friendships and authentically embrace my Christian Faith. The ignorant, unskilled twenty year old girl I was who started a family became a better parent than my own and though peppered with poor choices and mistakes, got my now estranged sons into life educated, provided for, and most importantly, loved deeply. And that’s the truth.

The point of this diatribe is this: Truth matters. Estrangement is so terrifying to a loving parent that we are tempted to accept lies, prevarications, misleading labels, and revisionist history in order to restore the deep, loving relationships we once had with our children. The instinct to walk on hot coals and jump before trains to push them out of the way is overwhelming. The problem is that this is unsustainable. It might work in the short run to satisfy our childrens’ vengeful demands, but it is destined to bite one on the backside in the long haul. No healthy relationship can be supported by falsehood. We do our adult children no favors by cooperating in their acts of cruelty, manipulation and deceit. And we sacrifice our God given dignity.

Therefore, at least for now, I am determined to insert the true, the good, and the beautiful into every crevice of my life. I intend to put the effort I have wasted waiting for my kids to come to their senses into the loving, stable relationships I have right here and now. I will stop ruminating on what they are thinking, and flood my thoughts with prayer, positivity, and productivity. I see the futility in seeking out the company of people who find my presence repulsive. I will place my hope in what I have control over and keep the door to my grandchildren always open, always attractive should they so choose.

In my opinion, should my ACs ever decide to contact me, I owe them nothing. I have paid with the floods of tears, the new grey hair, the weight loss, the sleepless nights, the thoughts of worthlessness. They have their pound of flesh. I would rejoice at reconnecting, but I won’t consider conditions. I won’t enter into the gaslighting or manipulation of empty promises. They cannot presume to know who I am now. I am different. I refuse to acknowledge that I am a problem because I have done “the work”. I have paid the dues. I have “self reflected” and become a better human being. That’s the truth. That makes it easier to live with myself. And for now, that is enough.

If you haven’t been listening to the podcast series on Family Troubles with Dr. Joshua Coleman, I highly recommend doing so. I live on a farm and spend the majority of my day doing chores. I end up sitting on hay bales and fence rails frequently throughout the day in order to listen intently and without distraction to this series. The interviews Dr. Coleman has had with various voices in the Family Estrangement arena are rich. Topics range from changes in family dynamics from a historical perspective with historian Steven Mintz to viewpoints on alternatives to the cutoff culture with Tania Khazaal an emotional healing expert. And everything in between. I have gleaned great insight into the cultural changes influencing what “family” has come to mean over the last several decades, how social media has influenced recent generations in their ability or lack thereof to deal with conflict, what research is revealing in the trend of “no contact”, and the challenges of living with the sadness and grief associated with parental discard. Although mentioned briefly in several podcasts, one subject that gets little discussion is that of power.

In 1887, British historian, Lord Acton wrote in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” He noted that as a person’s authority or influence increases, their moral compass appears to decrease proportionately. Very few relationships survive a power dynamic where one person has all the power. Neurological research at the University of California has shown that the experience of ultimate power in a relationship is often followed by a change in “theory of mind”, resulting in lack of empathy. Studies at the Acton Institute have found that power decreases the fear of consequences which results in a feeling of entitlement. In addition, these power brokers tend to surround themselves with like-minded people who support, laud, and perpetuate their cycle of tyrrany in an echo chamber removed from reality. Sound familiar?

In a situation where a parent is cut-off from their adult child, the parent has virtually no power. In most cases, no-contact means no input; no apologies, no explanations, no negotiations, no questions. The adult child becomes the schoolyard bully who not only shoves you to the ground, but steals your lunch as they deny access to grandchildren or triangulate with friends and extended family. Debasing terms that describe how annoying you are like BEC (bitch eating crackers) get snickers from the toadies on Reddit and other online forums. They continue on with their lives, surrounded by cheerleaders and people too afraid to confront them, with little or no consequences and appear as though they couldn’t possibly care less. The parent is left with the mountain of emotions associated with powerlessness - shame, guilt, grief, low self esteem, failure, loss, anxiety, despair, disorientation, loneliness, etc., etc., etc.

In psychology, any other relationship where one party retains all the control and power would be called unhealthy and dysfunctional. For some reason, the asymmetry in estrangement has remained hung-up in the idea that the only way for the parent to regain autonomy is to compensate for the callous child by doubling down on empathy, plead amends even for things of which they hold no guilt, and remain mute while they watch their grandchildren grow apart from them amid the “tsk-tsks” of those around them. This is a cultural travesty of monumental proportion.

So what is the solution? How do we dig through the delusion of power that has taken possession of the humans we once wagered our futures on? I’m not a psychologist or social worker, or counselor. I am, however, a mom, a Christian, and a health care provider who can see this Emperor has no clothes. I think at some point we are going to have to call this out for what it is - a putrified, two sided wound on family life that needs treatment. Like that little boy, we will have to shout aloud “You are hurting your own children! Conflict is not abuse! Annoying is not toxic! No-contact is avoidant! Openness to discussion and therapy IS taking accountability. You don’t have to like your in-laws, but they are family!”

It is going to take tremendous courage and well researched publications and protocols to move the needle of power back closer to the middle where it belongs. Trauma mis-informed pseudo therapists should be called to task for deviating from what is supposed to be a healing, peace seeking profession. Remove the shame and guilt from loving parents and place it back on the charlatans perpetuating this mess. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful for all those supportive voices I have encountered. I truly do not know where I would be without you. This is simply a clarion call to continue the daunting task of leveling the playing field.

I have to say that there is something encouraging going on. Since joining the Family Troubles Substack group, I am detecting what appears to be a healthy slice of optimism. Parents and grandparents are getting air time.

My first exposure to anything approaching an opportunity to hear the other side was the November 2025 airing of the Oprah podcast, in which a strong leaning adult child estrangement argument also included a short, barely tolerated attempt by Dr. Joshua Coleman to speak for parents and grandparents. It was disappointing at the time, but in retrospect, he appears to have made a breach in the dam.

There is a growing number of mental health professionals in various platforms on line who are pushing back against the cult-like, myopic movement of estrangement. I recently noticed a contributor by the name of M.F. Shaw or Parental Discard who is lobbying for a change in taxonomy of this rapidly growing tragedy. Shaw suggests that the DSM lacks formal diagnostic criteria for what she calls parental discard. Therefore, there does not exist a protocol for intervention. Thus the reason that so many “therapists” have gone rogue in determining their final solution (read Nedra Glover Tawwab, Lindsay Gibson). Furthermore, Shaw states that estrangement involves the slow, mutual drifting apart of parties in a relationship. It is bilateral. Parental discard, in contrast, is suggested as the more appropriate terminology as it reflects the unilateral decision by the adult child to rupture the relationship without any mutual contribution or benefit. Parental Discard is apparently collating research data from Cornell University.

Another resource I recently came across is the book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer. Dr. Pillemer writes a well balanced analysis of the many facets of estrangement. Although there were areas where I disagreed, I was pleasantly surprised at the end of the book which discusses the idea of “one last chance”. In this approach, Dr. Pillemer makes a plea to the instigators of estrangement to consider granting their parents one last chance. It is a path to healing the parent-child relationship which doesn’t require therapeutic gymnastics or surrender of positions. It simply gives the parents one last chance to re-enter the relationship and demonstrate that they have grown, or done the hard work, or learned how to not be a narcissist or manipulator… You get the picture. I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t relish a sincere invitation to try again and the adult child gets to perform a truly virtuous act. Dr. Pillemer will be speaking at the Family Troubles Conference in Chicago in July and I am greatly looking forward to hearing more from him.

Of course, there is the inimitable Dr. Joshua Coleman who has dedicated the most ridiculous amount of time, labor and compassion to exposing the stark reality of estrangement. Sharing his own experience with his daughter, Dr. Coleman leans into brilliant examination of the upside down world into which parents are thrust when their child goes no contact. I was in a tail spin when, by the grace of God, I came upon his Substack group and found out I wasn’t the only shame-filled, devastated, destabilized, disoriented (insert depersonalizing adjective) mom/grandma in the world. At last check, his support group was 74,000 strong which represents a veritable army of righteous voices once he screws our heads back on straight.

This evening, I read an article by Mickey Heller, LPC-S called What Therapists Get Wrong About Family Estrangement. It was my inspiration to write this. Ms. Heller humbly details what she sees to be the top 5 mistakes therapists make in working with estrangement cases. She was a guest on a podcast Therapy Disruptors with Roberta Wasserman, another blessing to this world of loss and pain. Heller wraps her article with suggested solutions to avoid the therapeutic pitfalls of this enigmatic problem. It is worth the read and should give hope that there are more professionals out there than we know who care more about repair than rupture.

I did a small experiment last week on two podcasts I listen to that have hundreds of thousands of viewers. I decided to place my estrangement experience in the comment section and asked the hosts to help make people aware that this is happening, and to pray for us. The first podcaster was immediately outraged that a child could cut off parents and grandparents, decrying it as demonic. He then insisted he would bet his bottom dollar that it is the wives behind it (it is). The second host was simply aghast. His words were “What? Do people really do that???” He then promised to pray for those of us in this epidemic. I saw that there really are people who have no idea this is happening. I also saw from succeeding comments that the majority of people are shocked and saddened. Outside a few trolls, there is no applause or congratulations.

What I would like to end on today, is that I truly feel that we are making progress. I believe this is an unfortunate trend and it is going to be set on its ear. I believe that the post Covid majority aren’t going to be fooled for long. There’s a counter movement to question the narrative and it’s happening in estrangement. When the final veil falls and the ugly truth is revealed, I am more confident than ever that our adult children will see how deceived they’ve been and take that olive branch that loving, patient parents are and will continue to extend. God willing.

It has been a little over two years since my two sons and their wives cut me out of their lives, along with 13 of my dear grandchildren. It’s been enough time that most of what I analyze about the process has come full circle. What I hear from most parents (all over the world) who are in various stages of estrangement is the steps to coming to that place - I am really, truly, actually, without a doubt cut off - are comparable. It is remarkably similar to Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ stages of grief. Research such as hers has consistently shown that the human psyche is not programmed to process a life altering loss such as estrangement in a single act. To necessitate comprehending the incomprehensible abruptly would simply be overwhelming. Like wading into an icey pond, both the body and mind require adjustments, adaptations, and finally acceptance. The following are observations of my own stages and the stories of so many others who share their deeply personal and vulnerable stories of estrangement.

• Righteous Indignation Initially, the knee jerk response is disbelief. For me, it was such an absurdity, an over-the-top, eighth grade girl reaction about which I could only think “You’ve got to be kidding!” They weren’t. I wrote emails exposing the ridiculousness of their clear temporary insanity. I reminded them of family ties, obligations, shared experiences, and impossibility of doing such a thing. I confidently expressed my indignitation that they could turn their backs on the role I had played in their lives to that point. I could not have been more certain that this was a temporary tantrum sure to blow over in the coming days. I made it clear that they were to stop this nonsense.

• Anger In this stage, indignation turns to ire. I remember numbering the bathrooms I had cleaned, illnesses, education, money loaned, sidewalks shoveled, meals cooked, moves, tragedies shouldered, tools loaned, etc., etc., etc. How could my own children deny my devotion and flick away all I had done like an annoying fly? Although anger is a normal response to a perceived injustice, when unbridled, it has an extremely selfish edge. As time has placed distance between the initial event and now, I know that given the chance I would do it all again. I didn’t help, support, love, and care for them because I thought of it as “avoid estrangement insurance”. But at the time of injury, the fire of rage burns down the generous bonds of love and selflessness once felt so deeply. Don’t get me wrong. I am still shocked at the complete dismissal of even the simplest human response of gratitude, but in clearer moments, that’s on them, not me. It’s the result of hard hearts.

• Shame The third stage is what I think to be the most difficult. Shame is an emotion that lives in the darkest part of your soul. Shame is the fuel for suicidal embers. It is the voice that pushes you into isolation and avoids the paths to comfort. Shame has a serpent’s tongue and preys on the wounded heart that has been rejected by the people supposed to defend it. In my darkest hours, I ruminated deeper and deeper into the chasm of doubts of my worth. I knew that as the estrangement was revealed, each person would react in shocked horror over what crimes I could possibly have committed to deserve such punishment. I started to believe the father of lies as he whispered my failures, weaknesses, flaws, and sins of the past. Shame is the tailspin of despair. I have no doubt that this is the most dangerous time for parents estranged by their children and separated from their grandchildren. If intervention were needed, it would be here. Had I not been given the skills I had from a God-sent therapist and a strong Christian faith, I hate to think what decisions I might have made. The most important component of transitioning out of the stage of shame, is the knowledge that it serves no purpose. It is evil and destructive. It is diabolical and 100% lies.

• Destabilization For me, the most challenging stage. When your history is removed and the largest investments you have made in life are wrenched away in an instant, it is comparable to waking from a trauma induced coma. I liken it to having to learn to walk again. I always knew that sleep overs with the grandkids, helping with household needs, planning birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays were the next step. In estrangement, every “next step” is unknown. It is here that anxiety can take hold. Anxiety is simply fear of the unknown. Sleep becomes elusive. Meeting new people is terrifying based on that inevitable “Do you have family?” question. What do you plan for this month, knowing there are two grandchild birthdays and a holiday? The toy room you built into your new home is filled with playthings slowly collecting dust. What do I do with this space? The positive thing about destabilization is that it drives you to find terra firma. In order to survive in the chaos of the world outside, you at least have to have a plan. Decisions for a different, new future must be made. Here is where I found a group called Family Troubles on Substack. Here is where people who shared my experience became my support. My cane, of sorts. Suddenly, I was able to see that the agenda turned on me seemed the same across the spectrum for thousands of heartbroken parents and grandparents. I wasn’t the ugly failure portrayed in the dark practices of estrangement. I was the same person I had been going into it. The only thing that had changed, were the circumstances. In fact, if I survived this, I must even be stronger and hopefully wiser than before.

• Acceptance It is only in the recent months and weeks that I can say that acceptance is on my horizon. The concept of radical acceptance proposed by Dr. Joshua Coleman is tough. It proposes that as recipients of the rejection of our adult children, we are players with no power in a game with no foreseeable end. In a radical move of recognizing stark realities, we admit that there is no purpose in chasing the phantoms we create in our own minds. I can see how I perpetuated the cycle of rumination by pretending my hopes and dreams for reconciliation and return to family life were part of an equation that had only one side. I can take responsibility for receiving the “crazy making” that I also had the option to reject. I can allow myself some honor for being the one who stayed. I didn’t abandon ship. I extended the olive branch. I “did the hard work”. I forgave and retained a heart of flesh. But the ball has always been in their court, and all I did was feed the beast by begging the cruel master for mercy.

Kubler Ross discusses how common it is for people going through the stages of grief to bounce back and forth between the stages before finally landing on a committed and peaceful acceptance. Each pilgrim’s itinerary is unique. I see that so often in my journey. What gives me encouragement, however, is that slowly, over time, I find myself going less deeply into the first stages and staying there less time. There are several compassionate, extremely creative, and generous therapists and coaches on Substack who have published workbooks that have been invaluable in my “recovery”. I know that I will refer back to them - probably forever. Jon Donne famously stated that “No man is an island.” and we depend on each other as members of this broken body of humanity. I shout out to every parent and grandparent who comes here. We cry out our pain, we air our complaints, we comfort each other and lend experiential advice. We help each other through the stages and I am honored to be in their presence.

…any mans death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankinde;
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. Jon Donne

Like most mothers of estranged adult children, I find myself sorting through the myriad excuses and explanations for why grown adults would suddenly sever contact with the persons once closest to them. Of course, there are the major and obvious contributors such as the “cult of one” as described by Dr. Joshua Coleman, problems such as drug/alcohol abuse, emotional dysregulation, personality disorders, etc. These are the minority. One factor that presents itself most frequently, however, is profound immaturity.

The term “emotional immaturity” has recently been attributed to pop psychologist Lyndsay Gibson who infamously assigns it to parents in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. In an April 18, 2025 article in Psychology Today, therapist and consultant Rachel Haack, MA, MFTI states that emotional immaturity “…doesn’t exist in the DSM-5, ICD-11, or any psychological taxonomy. Gibson coined the term based on her own observations—not peer-reviewed research. The book includes quizzes and checklists that she created, but these are not validated assessment tools.” More importantly, in my opinion, it is a red herring.

When a culturally popular professional such as Gibson assigns a label and dedicates an entire book to its veracity, it is bound to garner a following among the readers it supports. In addition, it weaponizes the phrase, rather than dealing directly with the more important word within - immaturity. Imagine the empowerment that estranged adult children felt when they could apply immaturity to the very people responsible for rearing them into what they believe to be their superior and obvious maturity. It is calculated and patently absurd.

Think about the angry three year old. He will cross his arms over his chest, turn his back on you, and give you the silent treatment. If he doesn’t look at you or answer you, he can imagine you don’t exist. While pursuing the freedom to exercise his free will without constraints, to pursue life exactly as desired, to slam the door with gusto, he can end it all on “You’re bad, mommy. You go away!” He eventually gets hungry or lonely, though, and weaves his way back to you. Not so adult children.

Our sons and daughters have their own homes, bank accounts, supportive spouses and peer group. They are often backed up by the education, social skills, and healthy upbringing we provided them. They have become free lance writers of their own story. The only thing they lack in pulling off the greatest remake in history is maturity. They reveal themselves as pouting toddlers unwilling to have uncomfortable conversations. Compromise and negotiation aren’t part of their lexicon. As in the toddler, their need to satisfy their self centered demands overrides any adult considerations such as compassion, empathy, humility or reflection. They slam the door and pat themselves on the back.

According to the Child Mind Institute, the signs of immaturity expressed in estrangement include: becoming easily upset or overwhelmed or having trouble calming themselves down when things don’t go their way (my way or the highway); struggling to adapt to new concepts (you can have loving relationships with people who annoy or disagree with you); rigidity or unwillingness to try new things (sit down and have a two way conversation); having a hard time controlling impulses (you’re done - no contact), avoiding uncomfortable situations (not explaining what exactly you did and if you don’t know, you’re the problem.) Rather than smashing their toys, they smash their relationships. Like an angry child, they stubbornly refuse to consider whether the relationship benefits anyone besides themselves. They make everyone the loser (i.e. grandchildren, siblings). Rather than risk admitting they may have contributed to the problems, they dump blame on the parents and receive and give themselves attaboys. Bad mommy. Go away.

I would love to see immaturity become more central in the discussions surrounding estrangement. Though there is great light being shone on the subject, the early phase of dealing with estrangement is primarily centered on the devastation rather than the cause. I believe that sharing the focus on the hurt being inflicted upon the parents/grandparents (not minimizing the impact) with the gross immaturity expressed by these adult children would help shift the responsibility where it belongs - at a table of grown ups somewhere in the middle - the only place that healing and reconciliation will be found.

Since as early as the Bronze age, civilizations have experienced the practice of iconoclasm. Iconoclasm means “image breaking”. It entails an idealogical group pursuing revolution through the obliteration of any and all traces of the previous generations. It has occurred frequently in religious conflicts such as the Muslim invasions and the Roman suppression of Christianity. But, it has also reared its ugly head in sociopolitical uprisings such as Mao in Communist China and the October Revolution in Russia. During these times, monuments were toppled, statues crushed, churches and cultural buildings burned, and any art work depicting religious or cultural traditions destroyed. The motivation behind iconoclasm is to erase the past and capture the minds and hearts of the people for promotion of the “new system”. There is a new iconoclasm happening right now, all over the world, right before our eyes. It is called estrangement.

At some point, when we weren’t looking, the minds of our adult children were hijacked by cultural influencers, poorly trained therapists, and wounded sons and daughters-in-law, to name a few. The first order of business for these agenda-driven thought leaders is to drill into the traditions of our families and disintegrate any bonds they might have with our children. Religious traditions such as the Ten Commandments, loving your enemy, turning the other cheek, and bearing one another’s burdens are subjugated to the need for a “peace and stability” in their home that had nothing to do with familial relationships and their ups and downs. Traditional structuring of authority, respect, and honor is toppled to make room for a non stratified existence. Here, no one is due any more gratitude or consideration than another, and every one is open to equal disdain and contempt based on the individual’s perception. Separation from the oppressive traditions of the preceding generation is applauded and rewarded. The fact that you sacrificed, financed, tolerated, nurtured, comforted, celebrated, and formed them is irrelevant. That was then, this is now.

I had a lot of difficulty in my home growing up. My father was abandoned by his alcoholic father and worked all his childhood to help support his family. He became a cruel lecturer and deeply damaged my sense of self worth. My mother was raised by a chronically depressed mother who spent most of her time in bed after every pregnancy and a father who was a tyrant whom she deeply feared. She became a cold, stiff-upper-lip mother who did not show affection. They neglected me. I had bucket loads of work to do to understand and heal. But I never once. Ever. Never considered writing them out of my life. They had a half empty tool box and did what they could with it. They made bad decisions and big mistakes. No surprise there. But they gave me good memories too, and a family tradition. They gave me my Catholic Faith for which I will be indebted to them for eternity. They immersed me in the cultural traditions of the mining town I grew up in. Things like Povitica (Lithuanian pastry), pasties (Cornish meat pies), playing Charades, watching parades, Chinese noodle parlor, St. Patrick’s day, flying kites… These are the things that held us together when the rest of it didn’t gel. It’s where I’m from. It’s who I am. It’s my tradition.

I wonder what our kids do with their traditions after they perform iconoclasm on their families of birth. I wonder if they will carry on the traditions of the other set of grandparents. I wonder if the cultural brainwashing of estrangement and no contact erases the joyful, tender, and precious moments of their up bringing. It’s hard to imagine that as they take the sledgehammer to the mosaics of traditions, love, and maternal attachment between us that they feel the exhiliration of a revolutionary. Or worse, nothing. I pray a cinder of nostalgia one day ignites in them, when the mask of this diabolical disorientation falls. For a return to tradition and family, ¡Viva la revolución!

I have my own experiences with trying to establish a therapeutic relationship for my youngest estranged son and me. Initially, neither of my sons were willing to seek family counseling. The reason, of course, was that I was the sole contributer to the problem in their opinion. One year into our estrangement, my youngest son agreed to see a counselor. I agreed to find one who shared our Catholic Faith and scheduled the appointment. I should have seen a red flag in my preview conversation with A.K. He was pleasant and quite willing to establish care with us. He did, however, state that he, his wife and small children, were in the middle of a move across the country. He admitted to being somewhat overwhelmed and I should have recognized this as poor timing. Red flag. We did schedule an appointment with him, though, on Zoom. In our first meeting, my son showed up wearing a gaming headset and held his keyboard in front of him as he transcribed every word of the session. Red flag. He was offered first comment and read a sentence from an early exchange betwen us in which I stated that I never allowed his father to physically discipline him as a child but probably should have. He bemoaned that I was really saying that I should have let his father physically abuse him (which he never would have, nor ever did). The therapist turned to me and demanded “What is wrong with that?” I asked him “Pardon me?”. “WHAT is WRONG with that?” he again strongly demanded. I said, “I guess I could have worded it differently.” A.K. lost his patience with me and spent the remaining time of our appointment lecturing me on how I was minimalizing the physical abuse my son that he had (never) endured as a child. My son did not intervene. “Well, we’re out of time. We’ll revisit this at our next session.” He had entirely misinterpreted what was at most a sarcastic remark I had made during a time I thought that my son had to be kidding about estrangement. Red flag. I was devastated. I wrote an email explaining how he had misrepresented me and how unnerving it was to be accused and lectured out of context. He admitted he was under a lot of stress, that he appreciated my correction, and that he was probably not in a good place with the stressors in his life. Strike one.

6 months later…The next therapist was also a man I had found through Catholic Therapists. I felt comfortable with him as did my son. At the last minute before our session, he advised us that he was moving to Texas. He encouraged us to stay with the woman (J.G.) who would be taking over his practice. She wasn’t yet licensed and didn’t have her insurance in order. Red flag. We met with her and she came off as cold, which I misinterpreted as being impartial. Red flag. I didn’t hear from her for a month and checked in with her. She stated that she still wasn’t licensed. When I asked her if she could keep me posted, comparing it to a patient waiting for lab results, she became offended and stated that mental health appointments are not equivalent to waiting for lab results and she would let me know when she knew. Red flag. I started getting cold feet after not hearing for another month about our status and decided to get a feel for what our sessions might look like. I told her I had been doing a great deal of reading and researching. I cited books such as “Rules of Estrangement” and When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman, PsyD, “Done with the Crying” by Sheri McGregor, M.A., “I Thought I Was the Only One” by Amanda, and various internet articles. She immediately closed down that line of conversation by saying “Those are all biased and not comprehensive”. Red flag. She would obviously have not allowed a parental perspective into our therapy. Why would anyone pursue a therapist with an agenda? I did not. Strike two.

I’m now identified as the person who has “dropped out” of therapy twice, which creates an easy out for my estranged sons. The situations I dealt with are listed repeatedly in online articles on how to recognize a bad therapist. They were out of my control but set me up to be the “quitter”. The feelings of being duped and betrayed are still raw. I’m in the double bind of being the one who both chose and canceled. I suppose I should have seen that coming.

My situation is a coalition of “Cult of One” daughters-in-law. Any hope of working with my sons directly is dashed by the bad therapy experience. I have had two chance encounters with one DIL that revealed what can only be described as malicious and hateful. I tried to say “Happy Easter” to my grandchildren when I passed them in a hallway. She body blocked them, placed her face in mine, and hissed “Don’t you talk to them. You don’t have that kind of relationship with them.” I know she has consulted with at least one therapist and can only surmise that she, too, has been the recipient of bad therapy. She is so wounded and in obvious pain. How can a ruptured family have any trust in a system that promises healing but has the power to put the last nails in the coffin?

The final example I will offer, if you have the time and stomach to endure it, is this Youtube video of a neuropsychologist by the name of Jenna Pacelli. I came across this on Substack as a response to the Oprah show on estrangement. The level of cognitive dissonance in this woman’s presentation is appalling. I encourage you to follow the transcript available under the video to witness the contradiction after contradiction in what she is saying and what she is portraying. You’ll never see an equivalent of eye-rolling, mocking, attacking, condescending behavior even in a gymnasium full of highschool freshman girls. This is the poster child of bad therapy.

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I encourage parents of estrangement to do your research before seeking psychological help. There are many articles like this on the harms that can occur from bad therapy: McQuaid A, Sanatinia R, Farquharson L, Shah P, Quirk A, Baldwin DS, Crawford M. Patient experience of lasting negative effects of psychological interventions for anxiety and depression in secondary mental health care services: a national cross-sectional study. BMC Psychiatry. 2021 Nov 17;21(1):578. doi: 10.1186/s12888-021-03588-2. PMID: 34789182; PMCID: PMC8600876.

In this scholarly article, it is found that “While psychotherapy is effective for numerous mental health conditions, it may also result in undesirable effects, such as mild emotional distress, symptom exacerbation, dependency, and, in certain cases, ethical violations by therapists, which are frequently underreported.” Ram, Dushad; Manjunatha, Narayana1; Bada Math, Suresh1. Negative events in psychotherapy: A narrative review. Industrial Psychiatry Journal 35(1):p 15-24, Jan–Apr 2026. | DOI: 10.4103/ipj.ipj_114_25

A simple Google search will bring up many articles in professional and mainstream publications that speak to the dangers of bringing a bad therapist into an already bad situation. I do want to emphasize, however, that these bad actors, whether poorly trained or touting an agenda, are the minority. But when you are the one at the receiving end of their damage, this stastitic doesn’t really matter.

To wrap on a positive note, I would like to provide a shout out to those therapists who are brave enough to kick against the goad of this virulent epidemic of family estrangement. These include but are not limited to Jennifer Hershon, Roberta Wasserman, LCSW-C, Joshua Coleman, PsyD, Rachel Haack, LMFT, Cayla Cole. Forgive me for omissions. To any therapists who haven’t encountered this phenomenon or who haven’t formed an opinion, please revisit the core of your training. Humans were made for relationship. All humans are flawed. Relationships depend on the cooperation and benefit of both parties. Healing is good. Rupture is bad. Please help us heal.

"The way out of our loss and hurt is in and through." — Henri Nouwen

I have heard it said that suffering is optional - that we choose, in a painful situation, whether or not we suffer. I couldn’t disagree more. Suffering is existential. It is the part of pain that touches the depth of our humanity. It is unique and inherent to the human condition. Dogs don’t suffer. They think from moment to moment that something hurts. Humans, however, can experience trauma and hurt which at times, penetrates to the depths of their being. Suffering is a dark companion that they wake with and take to bed again.

Two years ago, I tore my right meniscus (the pad that protects the knee joint) which was an excruciating injury. The healing took about a year. At the 10 month point, I fell and fractured my left knee cap. It really hurt. Those were about the most painful physical events I have experienced (outside of childbirth), but I can’t say that I suffered. That sort of pain causes you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, bite the bullet, and get through because there is a known endpoint. As healing occurs, it is forward movement. There is hope and confidence in restoration.

Estrangement from a child, however, especially when it is sudden and especially when it has little people attached, is another kind of pain. It is suffering. When you suffer, it is an experience of surreal quality. It is falling through a trap door, suspended in darkness. There is no discernable bottom to this pit. It is social deprivation like solitary confinement and mind racking like a torture chamber. It is the catastrophe that endures. It could easily be the end of hope and even survival. But as Nouwen says, “in and through” is our way out.

For non-religious people enduring the experience of estrangement, I ask your indulgence. I share my experience in the hope that even non-believers can find an explanation for and possible growth from suffering. My “in” is Jesus, and my “through” is Faith. I was raised a Catholic and practiced nominally most of my young life. However, the death of my children’s father when the youngest was 5, was a slap in the face. We had just recently divorced, but there was, I believe, a path back. He died in a drowning accident and our world was changed forever. I returned to the Faith of my baptism and got serious about it. We lived, from that point, a dedicated family life centered around the Catholic Church.

The Christian life is founded upon a man who was (is) God. He took on human form in order that we might see that God truly knows our experience. He brought the most perfect love to our sinful condition. The way we repaid Him was to mock, betray, torture, and finally murder Him. Sound familiar (for us, soul murder)? This Being who created the entire universe, humbled Himself to the baseness of our humanity. Before being arrested, He experienced the agony in the Garden of Olives where he sweat blood while he experienced the horror of every sin ever committed by every person he had ever created. He was then beaten, spit upon, unjustly tried (and found innocent by Pontius Pilate), scourged, crowned with a ring of the most fiercely thorned branches, forced to carry the instrument to which he would be nailed, hung to die slowly for three hours and run through with a spear. He was innocent. And he loved us to the end.

I bring this into my discussion on our experience of being estranged by our children because without it, I might have questioned my love for my own children. I might have never been able to forgive them. I am so fallen and weak that I might have succumbed to despair and even ceased to exist. It is the only way I can make sense and find radical acceptance. In Catholicism we call it detachment. Because, the story doesn’t end there. Jesus promised that if we follow Him, and carry our cross, He will come for our eternal soul at the end. He will wipe away every tear. We will know the reason for it all and we will be eternally happy regardless of the cost. We will experience unconditional and everlasting love. Who wouldn’t love that happy ending?

This is Holy Week for Christians. We contemplate Christ’s sacrifice in his passion and death. We unite our sufferings with His, knowing that there is salvific power in it all. It is difficult for me to pity myself when I gaze on the Man of Sorrows, knowing that my sin was involved. It is impossible for me not to forgive my children knowing that I’m forgiven my own deep faults. And, I feel a deep obligation to keep finding hope in my compassionate Saviour who promised me, in His resurrection from the dead, that “I make all things new”.

I pray for all parents whose children have estranged them. I know your pain and walk with you. One of the greatest gifts we have is each other, and I thank God for every one of you. May you have a Blessed Easter.

My son is in law enforcement. One day, he asked if I would like to attend court to see him testify. I eagerly agreed and have to admit it was both interesting and educating. Most of us have seen a movie, TV show, or true crime drama that depicts a courtroom proceeding. Both sides have prepared their cases carefully. Evidence is collected, witnesses are assembled, and the clients have been coached to speak with caution if at all. The judge sits above it all, pondering all that is set before him/her, using experience, knowledge and hopefully wisdom in declaring their judgment. I’ve been thinking about that son and wonder if he ever considers how a day in court with his parents might look.

“All come to order! The Honorable Judge I. M. Estranged presiding”

The accused parental units are seated, unrepresented. They appear both hopeful and tentative.

The ACs enter the courtoom. They cast a cold glare at the parents’ table and seat themselves at their table with members of their social media team, angry spouses, and millenial therapists. They appear contemptuous, arrogant, and confident.

“The charges against the parental defendants are as follows: Narcissism, Manipulation, Controlling, Critical, Annoying, Borderline, Bipolar, Bat**** Crazy. How do you plead?”

“Objection Your Honor!” Shouts the Therapist from the AC table. “These people have obviously and repeatedly, over the course of a lifetime, subjected these poor children to heinous crimes that deserve no choice of an innocent plea. Clearly, a guilty plea should already be in place!”

“Overruled.” stated the Judge. “How do you plea?”

“Well, Your Honor,” the parents squeak out “we have spent the last (however many years) in therapy, acquiring insight into our weaknesses, taking responsibility for our contributions to problems in the relationship, twisting into pretzels to see the kernel of truth in our AC’s testimony, offering open ended terms of reconciliation, and self flagellating twice a day. We plead innocent”

“Prosecution, call your first witness.” demands the Judge.

“Your Honor,” states the millenial therapist, “The ACs feel that testifying will further damage, make feel unsafe, hurt feelings, annoy, destroy peace, threaten their mental health, and erode their right to condemn their parents without evidence. They request that the court respect their request to remain silent, without witnesses, without evidence or testimony, taking their word on the present charges as filed.”

“The court will take this under consideration. Does the defense have a witness they wish to call?” asked the confused Judge.

“Objection, Your Honor!” shouts the entire AC table. “Because of the history of manipulation, controlling, gas lighting and undiagnosed mental illness, testimony of any kind should be absolutely restricted from the defense.” The Reddit section of the courtroom exploded in expletives, cheers and high fives.

“Overruled.” states the puzzled Judge. “Proceed with witness or testimony from the defense.”

“Your Honor, we offer the item marked Exhibit #1. This is a large box filled with loving letters, emails, cards, videos, text messages, and pictures from this family’s pre-cult-of-one history. There is also pictoral history of thousands of hours spent with the defendants grandchildren, records of financial support, as well as the expansive quantity of drawings from refrigerator doors.” states the parents.

“Objection your Honor! These are clearly meant to manipulate, control, and gas light the court and we request they be stricken from the court record! It is obvious that the charges themselves are everything the court needs to find these people not only guilty, but uber-guilty. In addition, was ask for the sentence of life in solitary confinement without possibility of parole.” demands the AC table.

“Overruled.” The Judge scratches his/her chin, glances at the large box, exchanges a glance with the parents, then the table of pressed-forward accusers. Then, sitting back, declares the court’s decision with certainty…

What would Lady Justice say?

In the days that I deviate from the wisdom of such sages as Dr. Joshua Coleman, Roberta Wasserman, Jennifer Hershon, etc., I find myself falling back into the phase of rumination. I’ve graduated from the panic ruminating of grief and shock of my own failures, to focusing on what could be going on the heads of my estranged sons. In the vacuum of their silence, it is left to the imagination. Sometimes it is confounding and futile, but sometimes I find it comforting depending on which fork in the road I take.

My older son is a quiet soul. He has always felt things a little deeper than others and tends to internalize. He’s a people pleaser and is easily swayed by influential people around him. He’s the one who pee’d out the motel window at a track meet to the delight of his friends and got caught. He’s the one who cries at deaths and goes dark under extreme stress. He was my companion running hundreds of miles on mountain trails and who couldn’t wait to see my pride when he had accomplished great things - which he often did. He’s overly concerned about succeeding as a husband and father and he loves his wife.

My younger son is an extrovert. He got involved in community theater as an elementary student and couldn’t wait to be the first to have a joke that no one had heard. His laughs are belly laughs. He’s brainy, speaks at least four languages and his successful career has nothing to do with his college degree. He loved accompanying me to museums or archeological sites or rock hounding. He’s the emotional inverse of his brother’s reservedness. He likes to be right, and usually makes sure he is. He married his best friend from college and is loving and loyal like a cowdog.

Both my sons married college educated women. Their wives are strong willed and intelligent. They are attractive. They are close to their families and cling to the traditions of their parents’ homes. They appeared to accept me as part of my sons’ and their lives in the beginning. They were strategic in approaching men who had a history of loving their mom. They allowed me to hold a part in their lives as I assisted them in adjusting to lives with babies, celebrations, illness, financial struggles, and the hardballs life tends to throw. Neither of them has approached me nor has communicated with me since the estrangement. Like the Wizard of Oz, they loom large behind the curtain as my sons dismantle our familial past. Alas, the novelty seems to have worn off.

At first, my sons’ reactions toward me on any attempt to communicate were filled with a harsh, accusatory tone. The words didn’t fit the circumstances, which was confounding. I heard “unsafe, manipulative, passive aggressive, triangulating”. “They adamantly refused my requests to specify or clarify hard examples. I had no history of discord with my sons, but there had been several circumstances where my DILs and I had disagreed, annoyed each other, triangulated or spoken without the fullness of charity. I know this will surprise the mothers-in-law who read this. In retrospect, I believe I was hearing what an annoyed wife sounds like rolling around inside their husband’s head.

To the point of my title, after weeks, months and years of relying on myself for explanations, I have to come to wonder if these are the thoughts circling in my sons’ heads:

“My wife is stressed out. It’s affecting our homelife. I can’t live with this stress. I have to consider what she is asking. It won’t last forever, I’ll just suck it up for now.”

“The kids are begging to see grandma, my mom has made gestures of amends, but my wife is accusing me of not being a man. She thinks I’m a momma’s boy. I have to show her that I’m really a protector of our family.”

“I’d like to try to reincorporate my mom into our lives but my wife says she’ll sleep in the guest room. No mom vs. no sex. Choice is clear. “

“The kids aren’t asking about the grandparents as much anymore. I’ve told them vague reasons about why we ‘just can’t be around them’ and they are more accepting as time goes by. I couldn’t really tell my wife’s parents that it was all, or at least mostly, a lie and that my mom really is a good grandma and mother. My wife is satisfied and peaceful and I don’t get the silent treatment any more. I sure don’t want to poke that skunk again. I’ll think about it on another day.”

“So much time - weeks, months, now years. We’ve told so many tales about why we don’t see the grandparents and what is wrong with them, and why this is the right way to proceed, that I can’t remember what I told whom. I’ve dug myself so deep in this quagmire I can’t see a way out. I could just man up, tell my wife she doesn’t have to like my mom but that she has to accept her (shout out Dr. Coleman), but that would take courage. That would take being a real man. I don’t have the fortitude. I’m a coward, but life is peaceful - if not in my mind and heart, at least in my home.”

“My wife has given me all the vocabulary I need to address my mom if she tries to contact us. I let her make all the decisions now. She can pathologize everything my mom says and does, so that I can convince myself I’m doing the right thing. We have an entire community of online estrangers who support and echo our beliefs. Life is so much better with only one set of grandparents who behave themselves like angels and give us whatever we ask for. Why would I stir the soup at this point?”

And that’s where we find ourselves. My grandchildren pass me as though I’m a stranger now. My sons are 100% avoidant. One DIL passive aggressively sat herself and my grandchildren immediately in front us at church without acknowledging our existence. I left a message for my son kindly stating that I could interpret that as either an invitation to closeness or malice. It hasn’t happened again. I guess boundaries are only for parents.

As I said, trying to construct what is going on in my previously loving sons’ minds can be confounding, it can also be helpful to consider what kind of pressure they are under. I don’t absolve them of all culpability, but it makes me understand that when they are given the choice of “Your mom or me”, it really isn’t a choice. One son has six children, one has seven. It helps me to release them to their baseline obligations. Our children do not belong to us. They are on loan from God. I do pray that God will inspire them with a manly authority one day to put things in right order in their homes. I do pray that the father in them realizes the damage this will do to their relationships with their own children. As a woman, I understand the devastating effects of feminism on our society and can give my DILs a little grace for what my generation put into motion. I guess sometimes, it helps to get out of my own head and try to see the entire picture. It ain’t pretty, but it’s real.

I am a practicing Traditional Latin Rite Catholic. I go to daily Mass and try to live my Faith outwardly. I take my Faith seriously. My two sons and their families are also Traditional Catholics and attend the same Church as my husband and I. We are estranged from them all.

In the Traditional Church, we honor St. Paul in holding fast to our traditions. The Mass is in Latin because it is a dead language and therefore the Holy Liturgy has not been degraded from the Ancient Liturgy along with modern languages. We have incense to carry our prayers to Heaven and bells that ring to remind us of our Old Testament Roots and draw our attention to the Miracle of Christ’s sacrifice represented upon the Altar. It is solemn, reverent, and a nod to the wisdom and piety of our forbearers of the Faith. Our Church is teeming with large families and divorce is extremely rare. How can a practice such as estrangement, which is antithetical to the Fourth Commandment and Christian practice itself, possibly occur in this environment?

I have discussed the events leading up to estrangement in a previous article, but let’s just say it came as a shocking blow. Our son’s families often attend the same Mass as we do, sitting close enough to see and hear our grandchildren to whom we were “joined at the hip” at one time. They have been instructed not to look at us or address us in any way. I had always given a smidge of benefit of the doubt to my daughters-in-law (DIL) in the hopes that there was something obvious I was missing and that would eventually dissolve. That was until a couple of weeks ago when my (DIL) brought her children to daily Mass. It is sparsely attended, so that most of the pews across the Church are usually open. Instead of sitting a respectful distance, she marched my grandchildren into the pew immediately in front of me and remained there for the duration. Not a word, look, or gesture. It was as if the pew behind her was empty. Occupied by a big nothing. That was when I realized that her intentions are malicious. No words for that level of contempt. In front of our Lord.

I have been pondering over the last two years how it could be that adults who profess the same Faith as I, who go through the same rituals and keep nearly all the teachings, will openly and shamelessly violate the Fourth Commandment. Not only that, but the foundational virtues necessary for Christians are “Faith, Hope, and Charity, but the greatest of these is Charity.” 1 Cor 3:13. Estrangement is entirely at odds with Christianity.

The Catechism of the Council of Trent, which is the owner’s manual of the Traditional Catholic, states that “In them (parents) we behold a picture of our own origin; from them we have received existence, them God made use of to infuse into us a soul and reason, by them we were led to the Sacraments, instructed in our religion, schooled in right conduct and holiness, and trained in civil and human knowledge.” It goes on to say “The honour which children are commanded to pay to their parents should be the spontaneous offering of sincere and dutiful love. This is nothing more than their due, since for love of us, they shrink from no labor, no exertion, no danger. Their highest pleasure it is to fed that they are loved by their children, the dearest objects of their affection… We also owe to our parents other duties of respect, such as to supplicate God in their behalf, that they may lead prosperous and happy lives, beloved and esteemed by all who know them, and most pleasing in the sight of God and of the Saints in heaven. We also honour them by submission to their wishes and inclinations.”

Scripture is filled with examples of the sacred relationship between parents and their children. In the parable of the prodigal son, after squandering his inheritence, living in debauchery, and estranging his father, the son “comes to his senses” and returns home, begging to work as a slave. He realized that he had sinned against his father and therefore, against God. In the ninth chapter of Genesis, Noah becomes drunk. After mocking and exposing his father’s drunkeness and nakedness, Noah’s son Ham received the curse of slavery for him and his descendents for violating God’s Commandment. In the book of Judges, the daughter-in-law of Naomi, Ruth, professes her loyalty to Naomi after she is widowed. She selflessly accompanies her through hardships and eventually reward. Every time “generation upon generation” is mentioned in Holy Scripture, it is a nod to grandparents and generational bonds. It is impossible for a Catholic (and yes, Catholics are Christians) to deny the theological imperatives to love, honor and serve one’s parents. Scripture could not be more clear about the obligation one owes to parents.

All this said, it is confounding that this generation is able to split their lives without the appearance of any twinge of conscience. They hold their heads high, participate in the sacraments, and present themselves as the paragons of Christian families. They bend the narrative so that little if any truth can be found while professing that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It’s schizophrenic. In the Catholic Faith, we believe that the Host is truly the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ. If we receive Him unworthily, we “eat and drink condemnation upon ourselves” 1 Cor 11:27 Have they no fear? They are to forgive “seventy times seven” but they won’t even open the door for conversation. I have tried to consider a way that the estrangement of parents could fit into a Christian narrative and I keep coming up empty.

At first, I tried to use Christian reason to speak to my son. He told me I was “weaponizing the Faith”. Stonewalled. This is their “truth”. There is no rational explanation for estrangement in a Christian world. To clarify, I am not talking about alcoholic, drug addled, physically abusive, volatile, pathological parents. I am talking about the parents I meet here who did the best they could and from all accounts, raised mostly successful humans. There is an absence of virtue. There is no forgiveness, compassion, forbearance, magnanimity, justice, kindness, patience, humility. There is no charity. For now, they have adopted Pilate’s query “What is truth?”

Estrangement has been the most painful, humiliating, provocative, cruel, disorienting experience I could imagine experiencing. It has been the exposure of Noah by Ham. But, because I believe that I am not the judge, jury and executioner, I bow to God’s Providence and like the father in the Prodigal Son, would welcome my sons and their wives back into my life. I would turn the “cult of one” into Ruth and Naomi. Because I am a Christian, I forgive them to please God and ease my burden. I only want to stand before my final judgment being able to say that I submitted to God’s Will, not my own. Pray that our sons and daughters will discard their prideful, worldly wills and surrender to God who is love itself.

gas·​light·​ing ˈgas-ˌlī-tiŋ

-ˈlī-

1

: psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.

This is Merriam-Webster’s definition. I couldn’t have said it better. The name originates in a 1944 Alfred Hitchcock psychologic thriller in which a husband drives his wife mad by repeatedly denying the reality of things she is experiencing such as the flickering of the gaslights in their home.

Without a doubt, the most disorienting and destabilizing aspect of parental estrangement is indeed, the practice of gaslighting. A common experience cited by many, if not most parents is the accusation of egregious behavior in the history of their relationship with the adult child that conflicts with their own experience. These accusations are frequently vague (i.e. controlling, manipulating, toxic, place adjective here), generic, and without time or event reference. They are serious enough to have ruptured one of the most important relationships in their life, yet they can’t put their finger on what, when, or how it was done. Let the crazy making begin.

Enter poorly trained and attention seeking therapists, especially those online, who improperly assign this word to the parents of adult children. They lump it in with labels such as toxic, manipulative, unsafe, and unstable. They instruct their clients to avoid giving any information that could help the parent identify, address, and if there is a kernel of truth, repair and adjust. The adult child is encouraged to tell their parent that, “If you don’t know what your behavior is, then you obviously haven’t done the work.” The wall goes up, and the parent is left with the mind bending task of cracking the code to their own supposedly monstrous actions that they have no memory of. It’s not that parents don’t know that they failed in areas of the past and could certainly do better in the future. It’s not that they couldn’t identify some things to get the conversation started. It’s the ploy of putting them in the hamster wheel of self doubt and then throwing in the kitchen sink as they spin in confusion.

The irony of it all, is that the adult children are the real perpretators of gaslighting. This is the pièce de résistance of their operation. By turning the tables on already destabilized, dehumanized parents, they mire them down further. They create a stalemate in potential peace talks as the parents question their own reality and begin to emotionally dematerialize. They doubt everything they previously believed about their life as a family. If they try to explain themselves, they are accused of being defensive. If they plead for another chance, they are being manipulative. If they wait reasonable lengths of time between trying to resume contact, they are violating boundaries or cycling through again. Crazy made.

The good news, is that there is a way out. As Dr. Coleman says, “the way out is through”. Information is power, and there is strength in numbers. As estranged parents surface from the initial fog of gaslighting, they should notice that there are other parents telling their story. The behaviors of their children appear to be scripted, and a spark of suspicion rises in what is left of their grounding. It is no coincidence that the stories match. Estrangement is a sociocultural attack on the family. Successful frontal attacks have to be coordinated. The field marshals do their reconnaissance and know the vulnerabilities of their subjects. They identify a population (adult children) that is susceptible to their plan and use them to overwhelm the targets. Parents are slowly launching a resistance.

I am seeing a groundswell of parents who are shaking off the yoke of gaslighting. With wise and caring guides, they reclaim their reality that they were and are good parents. They do not allow the labeling and diagnosing to define who they know in their hearts to be. There is strength in numbers and the more they share, the more they can wonder at the absurdity of it all. The joy and resilience gained by living in the present prevents these poor, misguided lemmings (previously known as their children) from dragging them over the cliff. Their history is no longer being rewritten. There is a life to be lived well. And, oh, by the way, the lights were flickering.

After reading many posts concerning the recent shows on Oprah’s podcast concerning Family Estrangement, I began to consider what it would look like for an estranged parent to actually gain a seat at her table of influence. The overall picture painted by her self(ish) guided conversation was one of “emotionally immature” parents who, through some act of the cosmos, became psychopathology bearers of the worst kind in their adult “children’s” lives. The hyperbolic transformation of these parents who gave birth to, nurtured, educated, supported, and loved beyond love imagineable defies explanation. Mothers and fathers who hold reams of cards, letters, emails, and memories that described them as beloved suddenly (sometimes over a short period of time, oft times without warning) became pariahs.

I know this firsthand, as my two youngest sons have erased me from their lives, taking with them 13 of my dear grandchildren. We had ups and downs after they married their current wives, but for the most part, I have pages of communications acknowledging my hours of listening, cleaning, babysitting, entertaining, housing, financing… their growing families. They never hesitated to ask me for a meal when they were sick, a sleepover for the kids when they were exhausted, healthcare advice (I am a nurse practitioner), or money when they were in a bind. They haven’t spoken a civil word to me since the rupture.

In 2020, my oldest son took his own life. I come from a long background of emotional trauma but pulled those boot straps hard enough to get through life wounded, but functional. The death of my son appeared to be the straw that broke the camel’s proverbial back. I began to have deep periods of sadness and grief that I could not control. I had dark periods of crying and isolation. I needed help. My sons saw this and I agreed to seek counseling. By the Grace of God, I found a Catholic clinical psychologist who uses the Internal Family Systems of therapy. I had to drive from South Dakota to Nebraska and rent the conference room of the local bank for my telehealth sessions because of interstate licensing laws. But I did so, every week for 8 months. The healing, personal growth, and insight I experienced was beyond miraculous. I couldn’t wait to share my new skills and stability with my family. As I was finishing and coming to a close in my therapy, so pleased and hopeful for my future, my sons informed me that I was no longer welcome to have contact with their families. My journey into estrangement had begun.

If I could tell Oprah and her audience what it is like to be estranged, I would tell her it is worse than having the rug pulled out from under you. I would tell her it is the most heart crushing experience a human can endure. I would also tell her that it produces an existential crisis that words cannot describe. There is a place in the very being of most of us that knows we have fundamental worth and value. Estrangement suffocates this. It twists the reality of parental love, self sacrifice, future desires and connection into vile entrails filled with accusations, labels, and rejection. It deceives you into believing that your life was nothing more than a blight on the people you treasured more than anything in the world. As Dr. Joshua Coleman stated in a recent webinar for Family Troubles, it is “soul murder”.

I would tell her that it causes doubts so deep in your history that you seriously question your beliefs about the past. It disorients you to the point that you are ready to surrender everything you know; even the truth. You will commit treason against your true self in order to gain some equilibrium and persuade your family that really, honestly, truly, you have changed (what may have never needed changing), are stable (though they are shaking every fiber of your being into instability), and will never, ever do the terrible things they are accusing you of (though most often they will never tell you exactly what you have done).

I would tell her that the adult “children” who are fracturing and rewriting history listen to cultish gurus like Lindsay Gibson who crave the adoration of this generation and are willing to sell their soul to get it. They encourage “no contact”. They instill, reinforce and applaud ideas that their lives are not only better without the involvement of their parents but also “safer, with more stability and peace”. Parents are presented as a necessary evil to get to adulthood, but destined to be discarded when their usefulness has expired.

I would tell her that through God’s Mercy, I stumbled upon a group on Substack comprised of estranged parents. I found myself reading over and over again the testimonies of these parents that mirrored not similarly, but almost exactly, my experience with my adult “children”. They confided the accusations leveled by their once close, loving offspring that they are now seen as controlling, critical, unsafe, abusive, or manipulative. They spout psycho-labels of borderline, narcissistic, or bipolar personality disorders. I have yet to hear from a parent the absence of one, several, or all of the above diagnoses as applied to them by their non-psychologically trained sons and daughters. After the initial jolt, I experienced the slow return of my reality. I realized that this is a sociocultural phenomenon that is infecting and decimating families in our hyper-individualized, egocentric, atomistic world. Our grown children are exhibiting most if not all the symptoms of members of a cult.

I would tell her that the influence of an adult “child’s” spouse is a large contributing factor in estrangement cases and in over 70% of these, the daughter-in-law is the main factor. I would remind her how difficult a spouse can make life for their partner and how impossible it is for a parent to compete with the threat of daily misery by said spouse if they don’t comply with the estrangement. After all, the influencing spouse already has perfectly wonderful parents to fill that role. Dr. Coleman refers to this dynamic as the “Cult of One”.

I would tell Oprah that perhaps she isn’t the best person to be leading this conversation. She has no children. She admits to a traumatic childhood that certainly clouds her ability to be objective. This was blatantly obvious not only in her choice of guests, but in the condescending dismissal in which Dr. Coleman was treated during his opportunity to give voice to the parental perspective.

I would tell Oprah that history repeats itself. Rome didn’t fall in a day. It self-destructed in years of social decay from the leadership down, ending with the rot at the level of the family. The family is the foundation of every civilization and whatever corrupting force you believe in (I happen to believe that Satan is on a spree), it isn’t just chipping away at it. Estrangement cuts off communication. Without some form of communication, a relationship is doomed. I don’t recommend venturing into pits such as Reddit, but if you have a strong constitution, you’ll find there the most vile, vitriolic, disdainful rhetoric imagineable directed toward the parents who raised these aggressors. Dr. John Gottman refers to contempt as one of the four horsemen in the death of a relationship and the level of contempt manifested by these adult “children” is astounding.

Finally, I would tell Oprah that no parent thinks they were perfect. There isn’t a parent in the world who doesn’t know they could have done better. We all have regrets and wishes for “do-overs” in many ways. None of us were given manuals on how to pull off the perfect parenting experience. However, the people I am interacting with in these pages of estrangement discovery, are some of the most loving, agreeable, willing, forgiving people I have ever encountered. Their souls are tortured and their hearts crushed. They would do anything to repair the relationships with their children and resume the showering of love on their grandchildren. The fact is, that they have no power. Zero. This generation of adults instituting parental cancellation is a power grid that has lost its heart, and until there is a reversal within the culture of the death of empathy, parents will continue to lose their loving investment and to no surprise, their grandchildren will eventually learn to wash, rinse, and repeat.

I love all things homestead and will occasionally be sharing experiences, knowledge, pitfalls, and lessons that I encounter on the farm. I am alive today because of the Catholic Faith, so I’ll probably share Heavenly things that have made a difference in my life with God. My two sons and their wives are estranged from me along with 13 beautiful grandchildren and I will definitely share how I am coping, what I have learned, and connect my heart to the thousands and thousands of parents experiencing the same heart breaking generational phenomenon.

I hope to post weekly, but we’ll see how that goes. Writing is such a therapeutic, cathartic, artistic endeavor that I have long neglected. Here’s to 2026 and cheers to anyone along for the ride.

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