I want to hug you so tight

that all the dread is drained

between our arms

and blow away, like it never was.

I never knew it could be love

for now I wish for something more

and inhabit a place in you

forever as close as we are

however far

you’re the closest

like a part of my heart<3

I thought it better unrequited

thought I suffered alone

unaware that I could as well be loved.

My darling, if you hear the air sing

be sure it’s the song of my heart,

all confessions, unsung and unspoken

that diffused into air.

All anguish and pain

of my forlorn love,

when hit the high notes

and pulled the strings of my heart,

beating onto my ribs

as it echoed through each chord

sang it’s fullest till relieved.

My dear love,

rewarded in return.

As we hug, your pain must traverse

transfer their way out of your heart

into me, they must be delivered.

My love, all your agony

all your pain, I’ll ease

till you say ‘oh to be loved’

cuz all my love is…

was all yours,

and will forever be…

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i wish i stop crying over people, over the problems,

i shouldn’t be bothered.

she tells me to blame everyone but myself

but how can i? when i know that i am responsible for all,

she lectures me all the time, kindly, modestly, softly, but harsh when it needs,

but always the plain truth, she fears losing me.

she doesn’t want me get hurt,

she wants me to be strong, she made me a different person.

imma kid she says, she understands me the most, the best, she knows how miserable i am.

she knows my secrets, yet she loves me, she chooses, chooses to stay, no matter what. even when i push her away;.

she understands…my avoidance, she hugs me back, she pulls me in.

all during those anxiety attacks, she held me close. i spoke so harsh,

i cried in regret, for how she still stayed, wiped my tears away, hugged me in and helped my heart relax.

is it me the monster? or the one innocent girl she calls me? i blame myself, i fall into regrets

she tell me to chill offf, but who am i if i dont cuss myself?

she tells me am crazy,

she blames me not for she knows my present, as well as my past.

she gives me time yet takes it away from me.

tells me to be strong yet comes to comfort and give shoulder every time i need.

why wont you lemme be weak or at least lemme suffer without feeling guilty?

for i hurt you ik, still you’re so sweet,

she speaks all the plain truth, she knows me the best, i hv let her far too in deep,

let her read my mind and blank heart. she’s my therapist.

but who am i to her? yes she pushed me away a countless time…the breakdowns and every time overwhelmed with her own identity, her own existence,

it hurt i cried all those nights…i blamed myself if it has all been a farce,

if there was no frndship at the first instance.

she tells me to leave her she’s so afraid of herself

says she’ll break me too so she must protect

and avoid me as if i’m one fragile little piece

i blamed the fate for making me this attached to my angel who thinks herself a devil just to protect herself. and her silly little full heart.

she says i cannot hold her intensity but owh darling they all left u know for the reason that they cannot hold ur energy…

but did i?

the over half a century times in less than half a year, all the hurt, all the breakdowns,

did i not hold u through the words?

she doubts me not yet i doubted the words that left the keyboard flashing through the screen,

that she won’t ever let out her own very lips.

i believed em all and cussed myself again oh how selfish can i be in this?

i knew her suffering i chose to suffer too, held her with time,

but when no news came… misunderstood. oh how dared i?

i trusted her far too much after every betrayal i had been through,

she taught me trust now i cannot let her go.

she’s insecure and so am i for neither of us want to leave neither get too close for this to end. neither stay too far that we forget neither too close that we collide, oh to hold back. suppress it all in. just so we don’t destroy ourselves, cuz we both are far too into this game, of attachments and obsession.

she cannot let go, neither can i. never had a person, she’s my depth and she calls me her light, she calls me hope, love and the undefiled. she’s the dark and deeper one, the one hopping soda bunny of mine. the intense one, who cannot take things casual, the strength that came from a past that left her too traumatized. she becomes an inspiration yet smthn i’ll never want to be like.

she’s soo much to me, she makes me so paranoid. her words make me cry, her actions overwhelm my heart to brink. i don’t wanna lose her, these ppl warn me to stay away but oh heavens…i far from care what anyone thinks. she says she’s obsessed and oh my darling i’m obsessed too, with how you think, i fell for you, and for everythn u do. ahh not the romantic kind, ur my bestie ik (tho u joke how often but that just keeps the vibe alive), for ur frndship is more than any love i could ever carry, but i love this thing u are, i wish i never lose u, my insecurity kills me. i hv promised soo much to u yet am afraid if one day i’ll hv to break them too, for everythn i hv wanted i hv always only watched them slip through my fingers. but ik ur paranoid too, and even more, u fear bout every hurt, everything u say, ur every word, you watch over and control. u fear ur own harshness but for all that’s the truth, however harsh, know, that i accept it all from you. for i’d hurt forever than…lose you.

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in dark, shallow voids

all anguish, anger and misery

allure more at nights.

You cry out tears

as if poison’s soaked into your eyes

you lie down senselessly

no arm keeps you upright

drunk in pain

sans all shame

you cry out screams

that no one heard.

You whisper sounds

in slow but sharp anathemas

vengeance, endurance, Vain methods

blurry sunshine wakes you up

you draw your curtains

to covet your addictions.

You lack the strength

to hit back and fight

support less

no arm keeps you upright

deceptive dreams keep you alive.

‘Let me go, let go of me,

I want to live, but it’s hard to survive’

hidden in dark, acting blind

howsoever safe in the dark

to hide everything you’ve lost.

Blurry vision, Vain addictions

smokes like clouds in elevation

like heavens came to pick you up

a comfort that is gone by day

so you wait for nights to renew them.

(img credit- pinterest)

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don’t compare me with things

cuz I’m tired of hearing

things like…

‘the moon’s got scars,

yet it’s still so pretty’.

I’ll give you a reason

or a thousand

for why it’s always been a delusion

and people never fall for the MOON.

They fall for the moonlight,

for what they cannot hold

and not the moon itself

cuz people fall for everything

they cannot have.

Who loves the moon

for what it is?

who ever took it more than inspiration?

If everyone could reach it then

who would stare at it from the windows?

if everyone could have it then

it won’t be a symbol of love.

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पर अफसोस…

इन्हें थामने वाला कोई नहीं।

सूनेपन में शब्द भी बहुत मिलते हैं,

पर अफसोस…

उन्हें सुनने वाला कोई नहीं।

किसे फिक्र है मेरी?

मुझे भी तो नहीं!

मुझ नीच का शोक मनाने वाला कोई नहीं।

जो इस रब ने ही मुझे बेदखल कर दिया,

फिर मनुष्य क्यों मुझे अपनाएगा?

जो खुद को मैंने यूँ दफ़्न कर लिया,

तो क्या धरती छोड़ मुझे कोई देख भी पाएगा?

इस धरा के नीचे जो साँसें मेरी बंद पड़ी हैं,

तूफान-सी यह बहती आँधी

मानो इन्हें जगा रही है।

वृक्षों की ये जड़ें मुझे ऊपर खींच रही हैं,

पर सिमट रही हूँ खुद में ही मैं।

ग़म है, पर वो हँस रहे हैं,

मेरे हर आखिरी कदम पर ताने कस रहे है,

“क्या खुदगर्ज़ थी...

जिंदगी का उसे कुछ मोल नहीं।”

आज दफ़्न हैं उसकी साँसें तक,

फिर भी किसी को उसका शोक नहीं।

कभी न भायी उसे जिंदगी

तो क्यों गम है बाकी सबको?

जो जी न सकी, आज सुकून से मरने दो।

चीखें मेरी सुनाई न दी जिन्हें,

तो आज क्यों मातम मना रहे हैं वो?

इन साँसों की कीमत बयाँ कर रहे हैं वो,

जिनकी गूँज कभी उनके लिए शोर थी?

नहीं भाती मुझे ये संवेदना उनकी,

नहीं चाहिए ऐसी रुख़्सती।

आज मुझे जाने दो...

इस मृत की आत्मा कभी जागी नहीं।

“हे रूह मेरी, आज तुम आज़ाद हो।”

(Img credit- Pinterest)

(Thankyouuu for reading till the end!!✨pardon for mistakes if any :)

Will love lovee to know ur feedback and opinions on this)

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I have liked both!

When the sun sets, I see the mountains hiding the sun behind their solid structure while I see the oceans not letting the sun hide by reflecting it into its water.

The mountains, hiding the sun, remind me to let go, to close my eyes from the scorch of these feelings. While the oceans remind me to face them because no matter how long I wait, the reflection of it remains, held. Hiding behind the mountains I see the sun disappearing just so easily, just so gone in almost an hour, while I see the oceans holding onto its reflection long after it has set.

Now I have to choose, the mountains? or the oceans?

I have always loved reflections more than reality but here…

I staggered before choosing the oceans. I excused its vastness. I questioned its infinite source. I favored the mountains for how solid it seemed, how easily it hid the blinding sunlight behind it. Protected me. I blamed the oceans for trying to drown me, I didn’t question the mountains when I fell off a cliff.

Should I keep the reflection this time? What should I choose? The mountains that feel safer or the oceans that keep reflecting the past?

The sun is disappearing either way, but do I hold onto its reflection or do I just let it hide behind the stone, abrupt and absolute? Or should I choose the vastness and depth of the ocean even if it keeps reminding me of what hurts altogether? Do I let all feelings pass abruptly or keep holding onto its reflections?

The relief of being allowed to close your eyes,
or the stubborn honesty of a surface that will not forget.

Which way should I hold on?

I don’t blame the altitude of the mountains for making me fall, yet I choose to blame the depth of oceans for drowning me. I maybe the hypocritical one here.

Avoidant! That I am. I chose the mountains, ignoring everything just so that I will not have to face these feelings again when I see their reflection in the ocean. I made myself distant from everything that reminded me of it, I blamed the oceans for everything. I made it the villain. But….

The sun was disappearing either way.

I chose nothing but just the way it was acceptable to me to see it disappear. The abrupt one. Not the one that lingers in reflection. While the real threat lived inside me, inside my own damn mind, because the thing being avoided cannot actually be escaped by changing location or activity.

( Oh well the skies remain! they also reflect this sunlight but can I ever let go of these skies? they hover over my head all the freakin’ time, how do I rid of them?)

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It rained on me while I walked above,

now, six feet under, I smell the petrichor.

I clothed myself in divinity as if I was ‘someone’,

now green vines thread themselves through my corpse.

I lived and laughed upon the surface,

now I lie still and silent beneath the roots.

tell me what would have been better?

to lie in peace hence,

or to hustle around alive and ashamed?

for now I’m devoid of shame and harm,

no attachment, no love, no hatred,

just peace as it alludes,

I lie here still, eyes closed,

but yet I see things far more than you could.

Now rain does not fall over my head,

and I need no umbrella for save,

now I willingly drown in this holy pristine feeling,

and not some idle mortal shame.

I let the rain pass through my coffin,

I smell the rain sodden mud,

oh how I love being dead,

I love my mother earth.

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I wrote a thousand notes

crying behind the door

Locked up in fears

doomed in my cellar.

I tie my hair

and braid it into ropes

Tie them round my neck

but even they are not strong enough.

I cry out silently

laid heavy with memories.

And flood myself in agony

counting my shallow breaths.

I chant some hymns

And bang my head upon the faith

Fulfill my yearning

Or offer me a wistful death.

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It stretched across my path ahead of me under the street lights showing me ways that I couldn’t see myself. And I…I just followed it’s lead, trusting it to guide me back.

It scared away the scavengers too, the ones who smelled flesh and blood and came looking for an easy prey. but the moment my shadow spread long and dark across the pavement before revealing me, they disappeared.

Uhh…yeah I say yes I do love this only reflection of me…not the one I see in mirrors always, never the ones that remains captured in cameras. I never liked clicking the damn pics of my very own human form but yet I pose for my shadows.

I love this hidden, kinda mysterious yet the most intimate and closest version of my reflection. Something I cannot even always see yet I love how it makes me feel a little more confident with myself because I know that I'm not forced to reveal my insecurities. the scars of my tainted face, this pale ghost like color, the devastated health, the cracks remain hidden in this long patch of shadow, all my insecurities disappears.

It’s tall, calm and confident in a way I rarely feel. I catch myself staring at it and smiling. Yeah, it’s a little narcissistic, I know. But it doesn’t feel vain, like I’m finally seeing a version of myself I don’t want to criticize.

I’ve always loved the night. I love the quiet that comes with it. I love the darkness too I always have. Yet I never let it go completely dark ever…I always burn my heart…set it in fire just so I can get a flicker of light for my shadow to take form. I rip into my chest of feelings and set it on fire from the inside. I drag up every painful memory, every lonely moment, every time I felt disgusting or worthless, and I let them burn, letting the hurt glow just enough so my shadow can form on the wall.

It hurts.

It really freakin hurts.

But I do it anyway.

Because I’d rather feel this raw, burning pain than sit in total blackness with a version of me that reveals my insecurities and makes it so hard for me to sit with myself.

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Even if you are the moon and I nothing more than a falling star, still I will never touch the ground.

I will never wish my feelings to burden anyone but myself. My sentiments drift like a comet, blazing across the universe…a falling star, not broken, but destined to be wished upon. Never yearning, only seen as a star cast out by the heavens, descending toward the earth.

Lonely? No, that word is too small. I am shunned, like the star that falls from the sky, yet as I descend, I see people marvel at my fall, whispering wishes into the night, believing I can fulfill their dreams. And yes, I will, in their fantasies, for those who believe in me.

But my own wishes? They will remain buried, hidden deep within my heart, unspoken, unseen, a secret constellation that only I will ever know.

I feel devastated ,if that’s even the right word. Guilt sits heavy in my chest, yet I’m not lost or directionless. I know exactly where I need to go and what I want. But I… I simply cannot move.

I lie here, sprawled among soft cushions and every luxury, while my heart, molded into something impossibly tender and fragile, trembles at the thought of taking even one step. I fear that if I make a single move, it will shatter beyond repair, and I no longer have the strength to piece it back together. So I choose stillness. I choose delay.

I ignore its frantic screams, begging to escape the cage I’ve built around it with my own ribs. All I want is to protect it. Yet this heart would rather break my bones than remain contained.

How do I protect something so tender, so fragile, and yet so powerful it threatens to destroy me? How do I safeguard a heart that seems to BEAT ONLY TO BREAK ME?

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I’m too much. That’s what it always comes down to. I love too ******* much, and it’s spilling out of me like I can’t hold it back even if I tried. My heart’s this overflowing mess, carrying emotions so big they crush me from the inside. I care about random people—strangers on the street, someone who smiled at me for two seconds in a store, a voice on a call that sounded tired. I feel their pain like it’s mine. Why am I built like this? I see someone hurting and it’s like a knife twisting in my gut. I wonder how people walk around so chill with their own hearts, scrolling on their phones, laughing at memes, while I’m over here drowning in feels for folks I barely know.

I’ve loved countless people, man. Countless. Some I met for just a few minutes—eyes meeting across a room, a quick conversation that hit different—and boom, my soul latched on. I felt everything for them. Their stories, their laughs, the way their shoulders slumped a little when life got heavy. It wasn’t fake. It was real to me, burning bright and deep. But they? They probably forgot my name by the next day. How does that happen? How do I pour my entire heart into moments that last seconds, and they just... move on?

I feel insane. Straight up losing it. The worst part is I can’t control it. These emotions hit me like waves, crashing harder every time, and I don’t have a damn anchor. I try to hold it in, but it leaks out anyway—in texts I send too fast, in the way I remember tiny details about people who never asked me to, in the love I give so openly it scares even me. And people see that. They spot the softness and they take advantage. They play with my feelings like it’s a game, testing how much I’ll bend before I break. “Oh, she’s always there, she’ll understand.” And maybe sometimes even “ Oh, I can use this person for a little entertainment, let’s see what reaction am I getting from it Little tests, little jabs, little disappearances that leave me staring at my phone wondering what I did wrong.

I’m so tired. Bone-deep, soul-crushed tired. I don’t want to believe in this cruelty anymore. This world where everyone’s learned to live like machines—cold, efficient, scrolling past pain without a second thought. No one feels anymore, not really. Not their own shit, and definitely not yours. Humans acting like robots who optimized feelings right out of their code. “Don’t catch feelings,” they say. “Protect your peace.” But what if my peace was loving hard? What if that’s the only way I know how to be human?

I feel so foolish. Every time I handed my heart over, wide open, no guardrails, believing this time it’d be different. This time someone would match my energy, see the depth, stay. But it’s always unrequited. Always one-sided. The memories won’t let me go—they replay at 3 AM when the house is quiet, every word I said, every vulnerable text, every moment I let myself hope. I can’t take any of it back. I can’t erase the hurt from the few people I actually trusted with pieces of me. Their ghosts live in my head, reminding me how stupid I was for believing. For thinking honesty still existed. For thinking someone could feel as deeply as I do without running scared.

I hate myself for it. For still hoping. For believing any of it could be true in a world full of inconsistencies and fake smiles. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I numb it out like everyone else seems to? They detach so easy. One day close, next day “wyd” texts turn into silence. And I’m left picking up the shards, wondering why my love always ends up feeling like a burden.

The pain... it’s immense. It sits on my chest like a boulder, making every breath hurt. The few times I let someone in, really in, they treated my heart like a toy—fun to play with until it wasn’t. Now the scars are there, ugly and raw, throbbing every time I try to move forward. I can’t forget. I wish I could scrub my brain clean, delete the files of all those feelings, but they’re burned in. Permanent ink on a soul that never asked for this much sensitivity.

I just want to disappear. For real. Not in a dramatic way, but quietly. Fade out for a few days, weeks, forever—whatever it takes to stop feeling everything so intensely. I wish I never existed sometimes. If I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t be carrying this ocean of unreturned love, this exhaustion that makes getting out of bed feel like climbing a mountain. No more caring too much for people who don’t care back. No more nights where my pillow is soaked because the weight of it all hits at once. Just... nothing. Peace. Silence from the constant roar in my heart.

I’m tired of being the one who feels it all. The one who remembers birthdays of people who forgot mine. The one who checks in, who loves without conditions, who gets called “too sensitive” or “intense” like it’s an insult. Maybe I am too much. Maybe this world isn’t built for hearts like mine anymore. Everyone’s guarding theirs behind walls and filters and “situationships,” while I’m out here raw and bleeding, hoping I wont break and prove myself weak.

I hate how I still believe that maybe they’ll feel a fraction of this ache and understand why I type these words with shaking hands. I just wanted permanence. A love that stayed. People who saw my depth and didn’t flinch. Instead, I’m here, shattered, wondering how much longer I can keep carrying emotions that weigh a thousand tons.

I love too hard. I care too deep. And it’s killing me slowly. The tears come easy now, hot and endless, because facing another day of this feels impossible. I want to scream into the void, “Why me? Why do I have to feel everything while others feel nothing?” But the void doesn’t answer. It never does.

So yeah, I’m tired. So goddamn tired. If disappearing was an option, I’d take it in a heartbeat. Just to rest this exhausted heart. Just to stop hurting for a little while. I believed in the good. I believed in people. And it broke me, I got judged so bad, I really thought that they understood me and now I feel so betrayed, so broken, so lost, so hopeless for anything that I just want to go numb now.

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