I miss being able to fit in the slides. Being on the swings before the security guards tell you to climb down cause you’re too old now.

There’s so much that we wish to want back but we can’t get. Maybe we could if we let everything go. But then there’s this thing: time. Really, I feel the line now. I could do whatever and still not be a child again.

I want to go to school tomorrow morning and stand outside the class for whatever mischief. I want to ride my bicycle again. I want to play hide and seek with the same people again. Go on those school trips. Wake up in the morning and look forward to whatever that is supposed to be happen. Because no matter what, it would always end up being fun.

It was so much simpler. So uncomplicated. Just being and having the best time.

I see kids around me now. Doing whatever they want without a care in the world, their parents chasing them most of the times. Running around with so much energy and playing and being naughty.

We just don’t feel the same excitement anymore. Maybe it’s the time, maybe it’s experiences or just the lack of genuineness.

It feels so weird because one day we just put our Barbie’s to sleep before their meeting with their suitors the next day, planned their outfits and foods but just never woke them up again. The food and the stove and the clothes are now in a bag locked up in your cupboard. I opened my little family recently to see how they’d collected dust and broken from being moved around places while cleaning. It broke my heart. And it might feel silly to people but that’s the thing, these little dolls and plates were a huge part of us.

That was the part of being a child.  They say we’re emotional and cry or get angry. But feeling is literally all that we knew . We didn’t have the worldly wisdom. We just knew what was pure.

Being sweet. And kind. And thoughtful. And full of love.

All before we realise that there’s so many games that we’ll be playing that will never be as fun as playing house.

The worst part is we never even realised the transition happening from being a child to an adult. And then it clicks to us a random day that it happened and we didn’t even witness it.

And now we are left grieving.

With love,

Diya

You silently sit, staring into space or reading something, watching a show, listening to music, cooking, whatever and suddenly your brain transports you to that memory. Months ago, maybe years.

You think of them wondering where they might be. with who. What are they up to, who their friends are? Who replaced you?

Sometimes we leave with anger and it stays. Maybe you forgive and forget or maybe just forgive. And it stays. But sometimes you just leave. There’s the hurt that stays and then you realise that was it. That was the amount of time you were supposed to know them.

There’s 2 of my friends whom I remember dearly. I don’t particularly wish to reconnect with them. And I’ve realised that’s okay. You can miss people and still not want to see them. The last I spoke to them was three years ago. So maybe things do stick for years. And before you tell me: why don’t you reach out if the thought still lingers? It’s because I remember fondly the fun we had and the innocence we carried when we were kids but I don’t crave it anymore.

First, a boy whom I’d known since I was a child. Played all the games with. Found spots to hide during hide and seek, gave him my school notes, danced together during kindergarten, went on long walks with. We grew up together and saw all the phases of each other and of course, we fought.

I remember him being really messed up during the end of school. Crying because his dad was abusive. His friends did horrible things. I saw all of it and tried to be there and be a good friend.

But this guy grew up to be arrogant. Really rude and insensitive. Now, it wasn’t because of the things that happened it was because just as things were getting better and people were giving him the attention he wanted it all changed. And that’s fucked up. Because I don’t remember them looking at the marks on him.

He did reach out a couple of months ago and I’m not gonna lie I regret replying. I had heard from a mutual that he had completely lost track and wasn’t doing great (that’s why he wanted to reconnect btw, because no one was around) The messages were possibly the most arrogant ones too. And I’m happy I ended the conversation soon.

But now I think and don’t understand how some choices people make lead them down a terrible path with a lot of shit coming their way? It’s so shocking and sad to see people you always knew and then hear a random story of something bad happening. The helplessness is there.

But that’s not the point because even though I was angry at that, whenever I think of that friendship these are not the first things I remember. I will always remember us going around the houses cycling, playing cards, teasing, running, him ruining my kitchen set display (still mad at that)

And that’s the thing with friends you’ve known since you were born. You’ve literally known them forever. And how, is that supposed to go?

Still, I hope that you’re ok

Another friend was a girl who was my classmate in school. I’m not exaggerating, that was the best friendship I have ever had. It’s heartbreaking it isn’t there anymore. I haven’t ever laughed that much in my life. Never been more myself. Never felt more understood. Never felt that I would do anything and everything for a friend. We danced together, studied, talked. And talked. And talked some more. Literally yapping. Had the most awesome sleepovers. Went crazy over music and spoke so much about what we’d do when we’re older and how awesome we would be in a huge house with dogs, lying by the pool, sunglasses on our heads.  Spoke so much about boys and of course, we fought.

We went to college and things changed (obviously). She got a boyfriend (hate him and will till I reach my grave) and the difference was huge. The air of the college with the new people touched her. Things shifted and there just wasn’t that link we had with each other that just felt so natural. I explained this and still there was nothing. It felt really numb. Because if it was the other way around I know that I would try everything to have this friend in my life. But that was that. No call, no knock on the door. Just one lazy text.

Now this is the weirdest shit. Because how can something so valuable just vanish like that?

All the controlling our laughter during class, talking about those mean english and math teachers, being seen together so much that if one is around people knew the other is near. Being at each other’s house all the time and hating the people who did shit to her.

But the thing that stays in my mind is the softness of just being kids and being weird and innocent together. Having a friend like that during the teenage time when we wish for friendships the most. And I’m so lucky I had it.

This is what is so painful about school friendships. I hadn’t realised that when people told me when I was leaving school but those friendships for me will always be the sweetest.

Still, I hope that you’re ok

The amount of awesomeness in those friendships was absolutely maddening. I could never wish them bad even if I’m angry or disappointed. I really hope they’re ok

Thank you for reading,

Diya

hope you’re ok

This part of my life, at the moment has felt the most amaxing and the most strange at the same time. I moved to college around eight months ago. New city. New people. New me?

It’s funny because I know that I don’t know anything about the world but at the same time I have never felt like I’ve known this much. I have started seeing things and people more clearer than ever. I’m understanding better of what is normal rather than what was normalised by people or by kids my age.

But there’s always something missing. How does that even happen? A missing link. A missing piece on the puzzle (If we’re aware of what the puzzle is). Studying, work, a friend or a partner or the ability to not get triggered all the time. Some people are crazy into their shit. They know what they want, how to do it and they get it done.

I’m seeing people around me do so much. And do it all perfectly. Now, I know that all that looks perfect isn’t necessarily it, but I can’t help think what they do to have it all. Maybe they’re just really dedicated and I respect that.

It’s crazy like these ads about teenagers doing awesome things ( petition to end ads once and for all will be coming). I’m also stuck on the thought that how am I supposed to decide what I will be pursuing for the rest of my life. It feels like I’ve literally just started understating this place and now this

I am not one who advocates for all work when you’re a kid but I wouldn’t support all fun for myself too. Because I do believe these are the years I would build something. But I hope the two can go hand in hand. And I be present rather than pulling at stuff to work or make memories

It’s the time when surroundings change. People around you change. There’s a lot of joy in it too. Some freedom, some experiences and some fuck ups too. It’s all part of it and I’m here for the ride. I think I’ve made my peace with confusion. It’ll be there. It’s always there for everyone and that’s normal. Having a different opinion and thought is authentic. I’d rather have things be straightforward than be sugarcoated.

Some treat me like an adult. Others treat me like a child. I can’t wait to be independent. To do things the way I like without asking. I wanna meet new people and try out new side quests and new adventures and just live. But I’m not gonna only complain I do love this time of my life dearly and wish it didn’t go by so fast

But something I’ve understood newly and in awareness is the awesomeness of friendships and new experiences with them and alone by myself too. Can’t wait for more though. I’m okay with the blur it is because maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. raw and messy but me

All this talk but I don’t know I’m just a kid

Thank you for reading,

Diya

Okay. I’m lying.

The feeling of growing up with somebody who knows you in that time of your life when things weren’t the most serious just yet. It’s the time when  innocence still lingers holding tightly before being snatched away. Just the playfulness of stolen glances between classes, running around the city together. Knowing that you had someone’s heart and they had yours all the while kicking air while watching a rom-com in your bedroom at 3 a.m thinking about forever. Thinking about the way your friends tease you. Looking at the pebbles at your feet while talking because you’re cheeks have turned pink. Being close and realising your care grow for someone. To fall in love. The yearning type. The slow-burn type. The wild and crazy type.

Looking at other people or shows online or the worst: books (ahhhh) and watching them fall in love, completely and madly. Wanting to walk around with someone in silence then laugh the next moment. Break some rules and be carefree. Wanting to hold someone and feel dizzy but also the most peaceful you’ve ever felt.

I hoped that I’d have that tale. It sounds so full of spark and life. I wanted to know that such a thing could be felt being so young. Having the most amazing experience of adoring someone, wanting someone, having someone just one call away. I expected that it was just around the corner especially after seeing everyone around me have theirs. But it didn’t show. It’s disappointing because it seems like something that would just happen with everyone.

I wouldn’t call it loneliness because it doesn’t  feel like the lack of a person.  It’s the lack of a feeling. The emotion in which I long to be drenched in. The sweetness of it. The softness.

But now I realise it’s bigger than just that.

Some of my friends had the teenage love. When we talked about it the reply which I heard more of was that there was a small connection which turned into something mischievous. It grew because of the need to feel this phase of life which most people have before us. The need to experience the sentiment. To just known what it would be. And I totally get that feeling. It’s the want and the wait to love and be loved.

It isn’t always the most successful love.  Rather something that was a chunk of our teenage life which we will carry with us as our first, forever.

But then you read about great college stories and high school sweethearts and you can’t help but think…

It sounds like I’m convincing myself of how unimportant it is to have this part of life. Maybe I am. But it just feels like I’m missing out on a chapter that everyone else has read.

To be young and in love.

https://open.spotify.com/track/3GWaFFi6TlPcZLYmCCHZ9O?si=VtBqDIeuTquvOzUX92Vy1Q

Thank you for reading,

Diya

I often daydream. Almost all the time when I’m not conversing with another human or actively reading or watching something. I feel like I have this constant need of noise to make me stop thinking. I recently paid attention to what I exactly think about to understand what is so important for me to daydream about.

It’s friendship. It’s love. It’s fun. It’s voice. It’s money. It’s life. All of this put together in one scenario. I have the friendships which are fun and filled with amazing conversations. I have love or maybe I don’t, I never fix on it. See, even daydreaming about love is hard. I think a lot about having amazing and fulfilling experiences. Where I can speak. I can do what pleases me. I can go around with my own money and spoil myself.

I broke this down to understand that I would love  friendships which feel light. Which feel understood and calm and didn’t need constant work to make sure it still exists. Which feel like home. Feel safe and fun. Filled with laughter and banter and dancing. I appreciate my girl friends and guy friends too. I am a firm believer of platonic friendships.  I wish for and adventure and think about these awesome experiences I’m going to have  in the future. Something wild and spontaneous. Things that make me grow and make me feel alive. I think about money and what it’ll bring. Going away whenever I wish. Buying new things and spoiling myself and others. Giving money away to help. I think about being influential. Having a say and being heard. Making a change and showing what I can do for the world.

I realise these are the things that are taking up a lot of my headspace right now and I’m trying to work on it. Understanding what I notice in my surroundings and what I wish for or constantly think about is telling me what I seek the most at this moment. So I have made it a point to see what I appreciate and dislike to know myself better. Noticing what you notice is genuinely going to help you decode a lot about yourself. Writing about this definitely helped a lot.

What’s going on with you? Feel free to share!

Thank you for reading,

Diya

LOVE. That is the one feeling I want to experience with pure innocence. I want to experience it madly and completely. I want to know what love is when I give it to someone and know how it feels to love someone that much. I also want to know what it feels like to be loved that much. Then again, it’s not only about loving people. It’s love for yourself too. The things you notice in the world, things that bring you joy and make you feel understood. It is the only possible feeling that’s keeping everyone here. And if you don’t have it yet, it’s keeping you waiting. For the day when you’d feel it, it would probably be the most filling day of your entire existence.

But what do I think love really is? I don’t think I have experienced it the way I want to. I don’t think I know it the way I want to. It’s keeping me waiting. Really, really waiting.

The experience of this as far as I have has made me extremely grateful. To have people in my life that I love and love me back. My family, friends. I don’t have my romantic love yet, but I know when it’s right, it will walk in and it will be the most phenomenal thing I will ever experience.

I looked up the word online to see that version of it and it says, ‘ love is a complex, multifaceted emotion and behaviour characterised by deep affection, intimacy, passion and commitment towards another person, animal or object. Wow, that’s so… AI (Well, I should have expected that if I looked it up online). I see kids on the Internet when they’re asked this question randomly and old people too. One with the newness of the world and curiosity and the other with great wisdom. They are some of the most eye-opening things I have ever heard. Kids seem to have such small observations which will make you stop and think for a while and the elders have words with great depth and when they speak they have the look in their eye which tells us that, yes, they’re speaking from experience. You can understand that the thoughts they shared meant a great deal to them.

Being 18 in this era, I feel that the deep, unaltered form of love has just lost its true meaning. The culture has changed. It’s so much more, say… casual . Everything is just for fun. And believe me, I’m all in for fun but not the kind that would have me not care at all. You meet people, you don’t have to go all in and get labelled but I don’t want the kind that doesn’t mean anything to me if it just went away tomorrow morning. I want a genuine effort. Deeper understanding. More kindness and thoughtful conversations.

A human connection. And well, fun, ofcourse.

I asked my sister and a couple of my friends what love meant to them and the answers I got were so easy and uncomplicated. These are the things that everyone would want. They said that to love someone is to respect them, their choices and beliefs. It is to care about them, unconditionally and show up for them. It is to hear them and not just listen to them. It is showing them through actions that they are important and not just through mere words. It is to pray for them. It is to let them have the freedom to be themselves and love them for it, not as accepting a flaw but realising that it is the uniqueness of their personality. It is to make sacrifices and prioritise them and not forcefully but because you want to. It is making them feeling at home. It is making them feel safe to be soft.

I also think it’s staying when things go down. It’s seeing and acknowledging their worth when they don’t see it. It’s noticing the smaller things about them. It’s the willingness to be present.

I want to know it the way people talk about it. The feeling where just their presence feels enough. Things feel lighter. The world feels like a better place and you believe that good people exist.

We think about this feeling a lot, how and when it will show up and what it will do to us and will it last forever? We imagine ourselves getting the happiness we’ve seen people have. We crave it.

I think it’s worth it, the waiting.

With love,

Diya

At this second, I am sitting in beautiful cafe, writing about the things I love and literally living the life I had imagined for myself. I see this gorgeous place, with its earthly tones and golden lights. The DVD’S, guitars and cassette tapes hung on the wall. The vintage horn gramophone, the vintage style rotatary telephone, the tabla on the shelves and tables. The paintings on the walls of people just living their lives like riding a cart or just sketches of food and musical writings. The plants on different corners of the room. The bewitching Christmas tree, decorated magnificently with the perfect lights and balls. The ceiling drooping them too with the graceful little red bows on the lights.

A friend group of four and two women sitting and having conversations about every possible thing on earth. Me, sitting with my iPad writing about this with my Sandwich and French fries heavy on the quantity, listening to Lana del ray. I wish I could stop time and stay here for as long as I pleased. I wish to complete my first novel like this and publish it.

I am very grateful for the opportunity I have gotten to do so and live the way I wish. I always had a vision of myself sitting in a cafe and writing, and I knew it would come true. The thing is, I didn’t know it would come true so quickly. I want to think about this last year and reflect on everything that has happened. I feel like last year was the year when I grew up. When I genuinely just grew up. That’s a bittersweet statement. For all I wished for the longest time was to grow up and live the way I wanted, but I also miss being four and playing on the swings and yelling on my bicycle.

I am really liking the place that I moved too. I want to fall in love with this city. Completely and crazily. I want it to become my comfort place. I want to have the biggest most filling experience here. I want to feel the high of the living and feeling the worth of life. I am very lucky to move here and have the most out of the world occurrences.

I am most impressed by my confidence and my guts. I am extremely proud of the woman I am becoming. I am learning to be fearless and travel and eat alone. I can sit by myself with my thoughts and reflect. I can feel deeply but also be aware of my worth. I can be really hurt yet be sweet and kind.

These are the things I love the most about right now . But I couldn’t have ever felt anything and got the chance to experience this if it was not for god. I love you god. I love you universe. Because I sit in this moment to feel and experience one of the things I have wanted to for oh so long.

I can’t thank you enough.

With love,

Diya

It feels like until the win is massive, it doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter how much of courage or time it took, all that matters is how shiny it appears to the external world. But what about you? What really makes you feel like you’re happy? Is it the money? The awards? The love?

It’s important to take a minute to think about what happiness actually means for you without the influence of others or the pressure of the conventional expectations of society.

But, who ever said that true happiness had to always come with the big stuff? You could be celebrating the tiniest parts of your day. Acknowledging the stuff that might not go on the list you make for people as your greatest accomplishments list but the stuff that actually makes you internally happy.

What’s real happiness for you?

It could be spending quality time with your family, your peers or your partner.  Celebrating the festivals, the gender reveals, the weddings and also the smaller moments like laughing on a random Tuesday night in the kitchen. Having human connection is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

For some people it could actually be their work life. It doesn’t seem like a burden to them. They really love what they do for a living and are passionate about it which in turn makes their workplace their happy place.

For others it would be doing stuff that makes them feel alive. Personally, books make me the most happiest and calmest. There is nothing on earth that could excite me yet make me feel relaxed at the same time like an engaging book. The bookstore is my heaven. The pure feeling of disassociating with everything around me and reading for hours in solitude is something I wouldn’t ever trade for anything else. Feeling happiness, sadness, joy, excitement, shame, guilt, embarrassment and grief with the characters and feeling every emotion known to humans through mere words on a paper cannot be compared.

It could be travelling and exploring every corner of land. To know yourself as a person who is open to adventures and experiences and is always ready for anything that comes in the way. To be free and have the strength to do it alone.

It could be learning new things, meeting new people. Pushing yourself out of your little shell and removing the limiting beliefs you have about yourself. Becoming the most confident person you know. To search for more in every aspect of life.

It could be creation. Creating art,poetry, literature, music, food and so much more. It’s possibly the most elevating feeling to create something extremely authentic and presenting it. To be able to imagine something immensely dear to you and produce it with originality.

I am the happiest when I feel the most alive and present in the moment. When I’m reading or trying out new things and doing everything possible to make the most of the human experience.

I find myself looking for happiness in every little thing. The softer, comforting things like the breeze on your face, the heavenly sunsets, the smells, colours and beauty of the captivating flowers, long walks in the woods or on the beach, laying on the grass, tasting amazing food or giving a loved one a really tight hug. Somehow, out of everything that looks bigger and brighter, these things make me the happiest.

The smaller moments are the most part of our lives. So why would you wait for something big to happen to feel happy?

So take a moment and think. What truly makes you happy? Because one day you’ll realise that time passed and you were just existing not living.

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