On this note, I had my reasons for fleeing from you all, myself, and anyone I have preached a thing to that I have fallen short of. Quick backstory: I wrote a Substack post, shared it 'cause I believed I was convinced of the idea I was putting down, and when it came to the practicality of this principle, I was falling very, very short.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what it takes to own yourself, stick to the version of yourself you preach, and, to sum it all up, be a person of integrity. Saying things and feeling that what you are saying is the right thing to say is one thing, but owning up to what you said is where the real work starts. Take, for instance, you tell someone, "I am very physically active; I prioritise my fitness journey." I mean, it's a very cute saying: the hassle enters the chat when you have to schedule workouts and start your day extremely early 'cause you need to get a 3km in before the day's activities begin. You get the drift. This is just a light-hearted example.

Let me report myself now: I wrote a Substack about wanting to be loved in spite of, not because of. It only makes sense that if this is what I want, I should be ready to give that same type of love in return, right? I thought it would be a walk in the park. It took me having a small situation with a very important person to realise that it is indeed a choice to keep loving someone, not because of, but in spite of. This CHOICE is the hard work; it is the owning up part. It is being gracious, forbearing, knowing the person will err and being ready to forgive them. These are hard things.

In essence, my finding out that there was a gap between what I believed I knew to be facts, my values, and my actions showed me that these values require dying to self and putting in the work (I mean, you ‘uphold’ values, the word is indeed a verb). I ran away because I had the largest mouth, speaking on people who say one thing and do another. I was exposed to the knowledge of the work it takes not to be that person and why, in all things, we, as human beings, need to be more gracious.

I felt like a hypocrite, cause in actual terms, I was no different from any of the people I had stood to condemn. Now, thinking about it, maybe having these opinions and values is a way to hold yourself accountable, but the argument is watered down by the "why". When you do all you say because you condemn those who don’t, it is only for a while before you inevitably fall short. I hid myself, went into serious introspection and decided that in order not to feel this way, I need to make sure that before I declare anything to be a part of who I am, champion any value at all, I have it at the back of my mind that there is hard work to be done to make sure that who I say is who I am.

And because no one is perfect, have grace for yourself. Having understood that you need to give yourself grace, you also understand that, just like you, other people need grace. So, where you condemn, caution would be the more advisable route.

I am back now because, as with people of integrity, the next step whenever you err is to take accountability, maximise the learning opportunity, and choose to do better every passing day!

Thank you for always having me💛

One of the things I have grown very sure of is that you cannot die to yourself by yourself. It takes the absolute grace of God. The Bible says in Philippians 2:13, “For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.” This means you can have it at the back of your mind to do something, have the will to do it and still not be able to. Zechariah 4:6 serves as the source for the phrase that most Christians use, the one that goes, “ It is not by our might, neither is it by our power, but by the Spirit, says the Lord. This Spirit is by the grace of God, and what replaces the flesh when we decide to die to our flesh.

Death to self, put, is choosing the things of God above the things that would be gratifying to us. It is essentially letting go of your own ego, sinful habits and personal autonomy to live fully for God. It is being able to say NO even when you would normally say yes; it is the understanding that, no matter how free your will is, God’s will will always be superior.

Death to Self is not the most grandiose thing; there’s nothing glamorous about it. In fact, it is one of the most uncomfortable things you can do as a person, but it is essential to us. The mistake we then make is thinking that we would need to die to ourselves as a decision, and once we have that, that’s all. I mean, some people think that once saved, always saved, and, to be honest, that seems like a cop-out in my book. (I am open to anyone explaining this idea to me.

Death to self is a repeated action. It is a conscious effort you make every day; it is in every decision you make, in everything you say, in the way you think, and in the everyday “mundane” choices. See it as choosing to skip a meal and wait on the Lord instead of grabbing breakfast as you normally would. It is waking up 30 minutes earlier to have quiet time with the Lord before the day takes shape. It is waiting to hear from the Lord rather than impulsively making choices. Dying to yourself has to be at the back of your mind, part and parcel of who you are.

Dying to self takes the grace of God. I mean, people are struggling with addictions to things they know are not good, but they can’t bring themselves to quit. We need to ask God for the strength it requires to live a life worthy of His Kingdom. I have found myself always telling God that I can’t do anything without him, and He should show me cases where I need to be more conscious of the choices I make and have the strength to deny myself.

This is nowhere near done; death to self would continue to grow as you evolve and continue on your journey of consecration.

I pray that the Lord God gives us the grace to choose Him above our needs!

Are you willing?

In recent times, I have found that being able and willing are not simultaneous things. They are not mutually exclusive either, but we have found a wonky place between the two.

I have been able to do a lot of things, but have I been willing to do them?

The things I have been able to do, I have done willingly, unwillingly, and sometimes, not at all.

Fr though, the ability and will to do things are very important to the trajectory of one’s life, isn’t it crazy that it all boils down to DOING at the end of the day?

In the same vein, the WILL assists the ABILITY and vice versa. The idea that these two factors could duplicate and substitute for where the other is failing is lowkey cute. It is almost like we don’t have any excuse not to do.

For instance, I may not be able to do something, but the will to do it will help me find a way. Alternatively, when you are able to do it, willingness becomes a feeling and should never be a deciding factor. Catch my drift?

For the things I have been able to do, Ability came first and will came second. For the things I could not do, will came first, then ability.

I just thought about it randomly, under this lens, the things I have not done show that it goes beyond the will and the ability, it might just be an evil spirit🤣🤣

Can it really be between just the will and the ability?

Anyways, just my thoughts.

Safe guys!

I have found myself in situations and conversations that expose my moral high horse as a facade, and with more opportunities to understand myself, the more I realize I may not be above the things I felt were beneath me for a minute.

You know how they say, “stories become mirrors and conversations become a way home to yourself.” I will be telling my friends about situations I found myself in and the way they are staring at me. I already know that what I had done or said was jarring. The mirrors began to show the cracks in my mind, my mishaps that should not be overlooked and when character traits went from negligible to borderline worrisome.

After conversations I have had, I would replay what I had said and ask myself what I was on. The only excuse is that I was on something, honestly. Cause I really be saying things. These things, of course, were from somewhere (still figuring out where), and, obviously, to fix it, I need to get to the root cause. (Work in progress).

Just a micro read, I needed an outlet to acknowledge that I know these things, and I believe it is the first step in the right direction.

I will change 😉😉

Bye

Anyways, as part of my touching grass in August, I randomly go on YouTube to find something to watch and learn from. I find the first episode of his podcast, where he sits with his wife and they just have a chat. That episode was interesting; I found and carried away some valuable nuggets.

While scrolling through the comments, I found one that stood out to me. This person said

“Watched this and I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions. One thing that stood out is that Dimeji has created a safe space where she can be herself, voice her doubts and struggles, and know that she’s still loved. That she’s loved “in spite” and not “because”.

I stared at this comment for a minute, and I was taken back to my thoughts on what I had been thinking about love in recent times. I found myself speaking to someone a few days back and said, “For some strange reason, he really loves me,” and you could see her confusion. What do you mean by “for some strange reason”? I was saying I honestly didn't know why, and her confusion made me think about what made it strange.

She made me understand that I am very lovable and that to know me is to love me, and all that stuff you really just be saying. Don’t get me wrong, I believe her, but I still had to go and introspect. I found myself thinking about what love should essentially look like, in its purest form, what real love looks like. I started mind-mapping what love has meant to me over the years and my time on earth (sounds so serious), and I settled on the fact that love has looked like different things to me, and my hope and lack thereof in love are a result of the variations I have received.

I am going somewhere with this; follow me;

Having a relationship with Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit, the thought of love as expressed in the Bible came to the forefront of my mind. Thinking about it, the love of God is in spite of who we are, who we have been and who will be and not because of any factor you can imagine. Catch my drift. With this understanding, love looks like weighing the pros and the cons, and still choosing to be with my beloved. Loving “because” means picking the pros; and in this case, you can rest assured it is conditional, and with everything conditional, it is bound to expire.

I formed the opinion that the way I would want to be loved would be the case where I have shown you how terrible it gets, how ugly it can get, and how undesirable I could be, and still be chosen for all of it. It is me feeling like a beloved, secure in that position and in the knowledge that I have no fear my lover would get tired of my excesses and bounce.

This births my next point. It is a CHOICE! To love in spite of has to be a deliberate act. You have to be intentional about this person; you need to know, at the back of your mind, that come rain or come sun, this person is your person. I mean, no matter how much we fall in our walk on earth, the love of God is one thing we can always count on. The Bible even says that we should love our Neighbours as ourselves, and emphasises that it is one of the most important commandments. The Bible does not say your nice neighbour, your rich neighbour, your good-looking neighbour; we are told to love them regardless of who they are. I imagine this is what it should look like, and this would be the best form of love to receive.

Right now, I have a few questions. What makes the choice worth it?

Do you need something in return to give said love?

Even when it does not work out, how can you find solace in the “IN SPITE” that could easily be translated to red flags?

I guess my mind and thoughts are everywhere, and the more I sit with it, the more I understand.

What I know for now is that, in spite of everything, there is about me, I deserve the kind of love that makes the choice seem like a no-brainer.

Thank you and have a good night!

The members of PiggyVest's founding team had one thing in common. They OWNED the idea. They believed in it so much that it became the unifying factor between them. It started as a conversation between two people, meaning they were either expressing a dilemma or sharing a conviction. From what I remember, their first product was failing, but they had a strong vision behind the then-Piggybank.ng (which later became PiggyVest). They acknowledged that the initial product was not doing well and were already thinking about how to downsize before they found the savings problem among the average Nigerian, and then decided that, since they understood the problem, they could have the solution.

Mind you, it started as a thought; they sought counsel among themselves, bought into the idea, and got to work on it. Like anything that has stood the test of time, you could tell the journey was not linear. In this documentary (I think you should take the time to watch it), they spoke about the numerous challenges they encountered along the way, and a lot of things at this part stood out.

The goal expanded; they needed more than themselves to scale, and even when it looked like they had only themselves in terms of funding, they did not give up. Another lady in the video explicitly stated that she believes Piggyvest is different because every member of the team is committed. Their conviction in the solution informed their level of commitment, and because of how committed they were, they refused to see a world where it would not succeed. They had challenges that I believe were more than enough for them to close the door on what we now thoroughly enjoy, but they didn’t. They understood that the finances of people like me are at risk and could use some help with structures put in place.

From this documentary, I drew themes ranging from Ownership, Propensity for Growth, The ability to Push, The Grit to Push and Unwavering Strength.

• Ownership: When you own it, there’s no doubt in your heart that it will work. When you think this way, you end up exploring all the options to make sure it works. You are convinced of the vision and can see what the picture would look like on the other side of success.

• Propensity for Growth: Because you have owned it, you know that it stands a chance to do great. You also know that anything worth doing is worth doing well, and that doing well takes time. You put in the work and trust that with time, the road would become clearer and, eventually, you would reach the destination.

• The Ability to Push: With everything that stands a chance, opposition would rise against it. In most cases, you would need to understand that the relevance of a thing could be seen just by counting all the odds stacked against it. Take, for instance, the time they were told to take down Piggybank.ng as a platform because they did not have a license to operate as a bank. They were devastated but decided to push back. In pushing back, they found the solution to change the name to PiggyVest. Changing the name now gave rise to the idea of also making programming available to allow people to invest in the platform. It came to them in a “if people save, then they can plan and then build”. They pushed!

• The Grit to Push: Basically, be dogged, be undeniable. At this point, it goes without saying that all these themes piggyback on Ownership. At some point, they struggled with funding, and because of the grit, all the Nos they got were not reason enough. They saw it as a call to knock harder on doors that seemed locked from the inside. They eventually got angel investors who believed in them and helped scale the business. Just imagine they quit one meeting away from the investors that later came through? We will never know the answer to that, and that’s because of the grit they possessed.

• Unwavering Strength: At this point, their “why” mattered most. They knew they had a solution to a problem and that it was now bigger than them: what they were offering stood a chance of solving a problem common to thousands of Nigerians, and that was reason enough. I believe that when they saw the impact, in the early days, they could tell that they were onto something. I reckon that on days when it was not easy, they drew strength from what was already working and used that hope to replenish their batteries. So when it looks like everything is falling to shit, I believe drawing strength from your why is important, and because you own the why, you can rely on that strength to be unwavering.

Honestly, this read is more about me. I am openly reflecting on these things that stood out to me because, honestly, I was moved by the story. I just know that if only I could own anything I wanted, I 100% would be able to scale it. In any case, if I am struggling to own it, it only means that I am not as convinced as I should be, taking me back to my internal conflict and the starting point, however many times I have to do it.

Thank youu.

Anyways, in my H1 WAEC (Wealth Accrued Expanded Consistently) result, I am an A1 student. I believe Piggyvest was made for me.

Just yesterday, I was looking for something random to watch on YouTube and came across this Nollywood movie. It was titled “God in her eyes,” and it was a very, very good watch. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel like I had wasted an hour plus of my life that I would never get back. (Spoiler Alert) This movie depicted the fate of many believers. Trapped by the promises they believe are mutually exclusive to God’s mercy and grace. The man, the main character, made a vow to God that if God heals his sick mother, he would become a seminarian. God being faithful, she was healed, and since then he has been adamant about becoming a priest. Don’t get me wrong, vows are supposed to be kept, but the most important part of doing anything for God is that it is willingly and joyfully.

Along the line, he meets this young lady who is everything that promises to derail his path to priesthood, and before you know it, from enemies, they start to brew a forbidden passion, in that he is “meant” to be celibate and she is a walking sex freak. One thing leads to another, and “she causes him to fornicate.” At least he believes she is the only one to blame for his sins. Laughably, he can’t pay attention on his knees, praying to God, and all he can think of is her.

In fact, please go and see the movie; it opened my eyes to a lot of things, including the fact that some of us approach God as a “do your part as I do my part” type of relationship, as opposed to asking for the grace to be able to fulfill the promises we have made to him.

Over to what stood out to me. He eventually went to confess to the priest about his dilemma and was essentially asking him what he should do. The priest muttered, "If your heart is divided, take time to resolve your inner conflict." It took me back to all the times I was torn between two or more options and always shied away from making a decision. I even used to say I was suffering from decision fatigue, just because I wanted to be told what to do. Thinking back now, I know my reason for that is just so I can say that somebody else told me to do it that way, so I don’t bear the blame when it goes wrong.

That statement reaffirmed what I already knew, at least what I had learnt recently. Most of the time, the answer is within us, and if anything, we should trust that we are in a position to make the right choice for ourselves. Finally, if the results are not what we expected, we should also be able to own the decision and use the experience as a learning opportunity.

Ever since I started making decisions for myself, by myself, I have found that not only am I more responsible for my actions and inactions, but I am also more gracious towards myself, and I now understand that the best intentions may not always yield the best result. I mean, when making said decisions in the moment, they feel like the best things to do, but in hindsight, they start to look like terrible choices. I have also learnt to forgive myself because, even after a while, I can own that, at the time, I thought it was the right thing to do.

In resolving my inner conflict, I am more at peace, going into whatever my next steps are, 100% committed to them, irrespective of what they turn out to be. Taking a bet on myself, knowing my why, and being fully convinced of the route I am taking. In essence, what I am saying is that instead of outsourcing your decisions, how about you own them and choose what you think is best for yourself. This is not mutually exclusive to wise counsel in any way. When you gather wisdom from wherever, weigh the odds, like someone really important to me would say, “do a Cost-Benefit-Analysis,” and then make an informed decision.

You can do it!

Love is cold kunu.

I mean, love should be refreshing, enriching and ultimately leave you better than it met you, right?

Let’s look at love as kunu from a few lenses.

1. Love as a drink. Kunu is healthy, nutrient-rich, and, when served cold, helps satisfy the need to cool down. Think of it as kunu in the hands of a bricklayer who has been working since dawn. Think of it as a student just leaving the lecture hall from an otherwise boring class, think of it in the hand of someone who thinks it is not normal to have buns without something to lubricate the throat. To all these people, Kunu makes life better. So does love. If love does not really improve the quality of your life, that is not love. Go and check yourself.

2. Love as a stress reliever and a reward to yourself. The brick layer rewards himself with kunu cause he thinks and in fact knows that he has done hard work, his muscles are crying, his skin is melting, his head is banging but what he needs most is a way to regulate his internal temperatures, he would do anything for a bottle of kunu. Now in the context of love, acts of service, an expression of love is you basically outsourcing your stress. Anyone who loves you, wants to ease your stress. As a reward, love exalts. Love is a testament of how much you love yourself, it is a reward for how much you love you. I mean the kind of love you expect is the kind of love you allow yourself get and most times, a reflection of how you love you.

3. Love as a source of flavour. I mean, the brick layer adds the kunu to the hot buns and he is so used to this combo because he thinks that’s just how it should go. For love, it should be an additive, because of love, it should be said that life got better for you. A life leading with love is sweeter. Like the bricklayer, the love accompanies something, in the same vain, with love, it should add to you and not take away from you. Also, the way that combo represents a sweetner for the brick layer and the fact that he is very consistent with it is a testament of how much the bricklayer can vouch for it. Love is supposed to be consistent, you should be able to trust that your love would always be good. You should be able to vouch that the love you have and give would be reliable, soften and sweeten it’s subject.

Anyways, I don’t drink Kunu..

I have a meeting now, I have to go, bye!

People that you can’t box, the most open-minded human beings, are always open to understanding and absorbing viewpoints that they would otherwise not have. These people are super humble, understanding that they cannot know it all and always want to hear your viewpoint. To them, there’s no point in being defensive, ‘cause who am I to know it all?

I want to be like these people, staying open-minded to the wealth of knowledge I can benefit from by simply understanding that there’s only so much you can know at a given time, and the key to making myself and ignorance is owning that I will never know enough to stop knowing.

Somebody told me that a way to be nuanced and full of depth is to assimilate and digest properly all the information you are consuming. I mean, if you are consuming for the sake of consuming and it is not shaping your thoughts, of what use is it? For me, I consciously assess the knowledge I am gaining, relate it to what I already know, and use that as a basis to determine what to know next.

Having conversations now, I want to take you from point A to Z, to see how your mind tallies information and what your ability to link everything looks like. Just an example: we might start off talking about ginger shots, and then you say, “Ginger is scarce.” I tell you, it’s because of the insecurity. Ginger farmers have not been able to farm ginger for the past two years, and you bring up the statistics showing that Nigeria went from exporting ginger to now importing it. You get just a flow, and before you know it, we have spent 30-45 minutes talking about ginger, demand and supply, insecurity, its effects on agricultural activities and the government, and more in between.

I talk too much, maybe that is why I love meeting people with whom I can carry on conversations on and on, just because I know a lot and am open to learning more and more.

Who’s with me on this one?

(It’s my 40th article since I started counting, I am so shy 🙈🙈, thank you to everyone who keeps reading my thoughts, I LOVE Y’ALL!)

When you realise you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you can stand in front of them bare, and their response is “You’re safe with me” - that’s intimacy.

This is one aspect of relationships that scares me to my bones. One thing I always held onto was the fact that only my God has my back one hundred percent, and with that, I kept in the back of my mind that it would not be in my best interest to expose myself or bare my heart.

All my friends know one thing about me: I never say anything I am not comfortable with other people hearing. I will literally say anything, having at the back of my mind that they could and most times would be telling someone else. That way, I don’t start having a she-said-he-said moment. I no fit shout abeg.

With this type of mindset, how do I really bare my heart when I already believe I will rarely be safe? I have mastered the art of almost surface-level relationships because I refuse to let myself lower my guard in the name of connection. Connections fade, relationships end, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be okay with a bit of me roaming with someone who no longer has access to me.

Another angle I got to this, as I was reading the book “ The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo”, I have come to question what is so sacred about me that it would be an attack on my own government to share? Could it be that I already have a notion of what receiving all the “hidden” bits of myself would be like? This leads me to my last question. What really is hidden beneath the layers that only intimacy can access?

I’ve been sitting on this one, wondering what intimacy with someone would look like. I imagine it would be that you know everything that makes me who I am, and even things I may not know, but you do. And slowly, I can now see why it is scary and jarring. To me, I have things I am ashamed of, things I will never allow to see the light of day and aspects I consciously would put ahead of the others.

Maybe the real issue is that I am not ready for intimacy.

Advocate for intimacy in the comments. Let me know why it is important!

I don’t know if it’s from the Bible or just something we have always been told growing up, but it now seems like the law or facts, even. Correct me if I am wrong, but this statement essentially means that whatever you say out loud comes from your thoughts, right?

This brings me to my confusion. Does the heart do any thinking? Or it’s another similar issue we have with the people who genuinely believe the heart is capable and responsible for falling in love. Anyway, because I believe that both scenarios actually focus on the mind rather than the heart, I will go ahead with my thoughts for the day.

Also, somewhere in the Bible, it says, " Guard your heart. In fact, let me find out exactly where it says that and what it says, so I don't say the wrong thing.

As earlier stated, I will be expressing my thoughts from the angle of the mind. The mind, for me, is the central processing unit, although the brain might beg to differ.

As a person, I understand the power the mind has over everything I have done, been able to do and even what I have not been able to do. Knowing this, I understand the need to guard my mind. I have made it a thing to train my mind consciously, and in doing so, the coursework would span the dos, the don'ts, the in-betweens, and everything really. I see my mind as where the groundwork starts. We even say the Holy Spirit dropped this in my heart, but is it really the heart? I say he popped in my mind and laid that… it makes more sense that way, doesn’t it?

I make up my mind (figuratively and literally) before I do anything, so I will also confirm that my mind is the motherboard. Just recently, I have come to realize that my subconscious actually takes a toll on me. The mind houses the subconscious, so what comes out of my mind informs my subconscious. Through my mind, my subconscious plays tricks on me.

Having understood this, the seeds I sew in my mind would generate the harvest attached to my actions. Now, what types of things do I let into my mind? Subconsciously and even intentionally, what am I consuming? In essence, what am I passively interacting with that has far-reaching consequences? Far-reaching in that something I might have consumed ages ago may contribute to decisions I make years later.

Since this realization, here are a few things I am very careful about;

1. The songs I listen to.

2. The articles/ books I read.

3. The podcasts I listen to.

4. The people I look up to.

5. The conversations I have.

6. My thought process.

7. What I allow to linger (conversations/thoughts).

8. What I attach value to.

Somewhere, somehow, this exposes either ignorance or room for improvement. With the things I am conscious of when consuming, I identify the need to update my mindset, rethink situations, times to find a different approach, and grow even more. On the flipside, I can also tell quickly what I can do without. In the beginning, I knew I had to clean out some things from my mind, the songs that would just come out of nowhere, “my mind,” and I would just be bopping my head. One day, I started paying attention to the lyrics. WOW! What we're listening to, under the guise of entertainment broooo. Even with the kind of TV shows. I went from being a Love Island fanatic. I loved it so much, but now I cannot even tolerate both the show and the discourse around it. I would not do it. It brings me back to somewhere in the Bible that speaks about something not necessarily being bad, but the fruits it produces in the mind being the problem. Please tell me what that part actually means, if it does not relate to this (in the comments).

Anyways, just as we protect the software of any system from viruses, we should protect our minds as well. For out of the mind of an individual is the whole person 😂.

Thank you for sharing my thoughts.

One in the sense that I move solo, would rather work alone than in a team, would rather go out on my own and most especially exist as a unit. I have learnt over the past few weeks that just maybe my oneness could use a common. Initially, I felt a few things. I was anxious that being in a common and being one were mutually exclusive, but I have seen now that I can still be one whilst existing in a common.

I met this amazing group of women. I have known them for a minute now, but I would stand on the premise that I just “met” them. Simply put, I have just grown to know them for who they are, and girl, am I pleasantly surprised. I am excited to be in common with them because of all the things I have seen as I have gotten closer to them.

I have been able to see myself in them. Is it intentional about the future? Is it being ambitious, career-focused, fitness-oriented, financially prudent, spiritually active, and balancing it all? They show that, despite our uniqueness, we come together because we are like-minded, and this resolution cancelled out one of my major fears. I feared that I would lose myself in the group, but what I have seen is that they are still all themselves, and are just common in wanting to be better, and that has translated into how we hold ourselves accountable, or rather, how we now hold ourselves accountable.

Every time on TikTok, someone is always talking about how it’s better to avoid big groups of women and essentially the dangers that are “inevitable.” Still, with these women, I highly doubt this projection has any basis to stand on. This is me putting it out there that you can find people you can rely on, maybe accidentally, maybe intentionally, you should not be entirely opposed to it, that's what I am saying.

I will be back with either of two updates. I love it here, my life has gotten significantly better, or wow, avoid women in a common.

Wish me luck guys.

Coming from an otherwise nonchalant babe, I am now very sensitive. I hate to admit it, but everyone around me says it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but in contrast with the fuck that I ordinarily couldn't afford to give, I think it is. Since this discovery, I can only attribute this sensitivity to discomfort, an unsettling state of mind. I now think about everything and anything (I hate it here).

This article is an example of this dilemma; the little efforts now cause heavy scars. Let me tell you a quick story. I might not be able to spell out the details, but the story would still be easy to comprehend. One random day, I get a call from one of my friends, she is very upset with me, for something that we could say was not intentional, somewhat beyond me, but understandably my fault, and she goes on and on, expressing her displeasure, I mean, to each their own way of expressing their “emotions,” right? Understandably so, but amidst her expression, she says something that has continued to tug on my mind, and it’s been taking a toll on me, it’s deep to the extent that I have tears in my eyes every time I think about it, which has been way more than I would like to admit.

The reason this one stings is that it was information I told my friend when I was down. I had come to her previously to express my disdain when someone had said those words to me, and for her to, in her expression of displeasure, spell out the fact that she concurs with the words that once broke me. It hurts like crazy; I’m almost crying again. I am stuck between letting her know I didn't appreciate it and, at the same time, something whispers: of course, she knows that. The question I keep asking myself is, “Doesn’t she know saying stuff like this would land a blow so hard, it's not worth it?”

I am stuck between moving on and moving out. Moving on and staying friends with this person, brainwashing myself to believe she didn’t mean it or moving out, reaffirming that I do not and would probably never rate the fact that she did this to me. At the back of my head, I am thinking about the need to extend grace and forgive, but the sharp ache I feel when I remember is the only signal that I need to show that it is not okay and definitely not a normal thing for a friend to do.

Disclaimer, this is in no way a shade; this is simply me airing it how best I can, so I don’t lose it.

Maybe my story, maybe not.

Today is the love of my life’s birthday and trust me, I don’t say this lightly. This babe came in to my life and showed me what friendship should look like. She showed me that you can give without losing yourself, be there without burning out and be serious without losing the elements of ease and a soft heart.

I met this babe last year and honestly it feels like we have known each other for a lifetime, I guess she is one of those people that you meet and suddenly you cannot remember what life used to look like before they came into your life. Having Busayomi in my corner has been an answer to my prayers. God knew I needed a guide and he gave me you. Busayomi never hesitates to show me where I could be better, unintentionally, she has set a standard that shows that mediocrity is not an option, she sets examples cause one thing I know is that Busayo being able to do it only means I can too.

Busayo is a freaking star! She shines so bright that I am so proud to tell anyone that cares to listen that she’s my guy. I mean, make I steal small shine now, also, anyone that knows Busayo knows she will never chill with an olodo so that just means more aura for me🤣🤣

That brings me to my next point, if Busayo has identified you as her guy, she would ride for you. She would do anything she can for you, make sure you are good and just make the world a better a place for you. The way this babe provides for me, you will think she is my mum, I mean she is. Busayo literally heard me raving about a lipgloss and she got me mine. She takes me to G- Burger, buys me Ice cream, everything that makes me happy fr, and you say I should not buy her an Island, just let me blow first, I will give her the world.

Busayo gives me great counsel! She speaks to me in a way that I know she wants the best for me. Infact let me tell you guys what happened one day. I got a shocking news and I was distraught to say the least. I called Ayomi and she was just entering Abuja from a trip and she headed straight to me to check up on me. I told her what it was and she mocked me into feeling better, she spoke life into me, encouraged me and we ended up having a loud laugh.

Ayomi has taught me patience! She will rage bait the hell out of youuuuuuu. I have learnt that not every poke deserves a hole and that way, I can handle almost anything, if I can survive her, be rest assured my back is now strong. If you leave me, I will keep talking about this babe so let me round up here.

Your smile is everything, your heart is everything and the way you love me is everything to me! I love and appreciate you and pray that my God will continue to bless youuuu. I love you beyond words and hope to stay close knit for more than life permits!

Have a wonderful year ahead Ayomi, you give me so much joy!

Somewhere along the line, maybe after I heard the phrase “Everything I am right now is an extension of what I am not,” something shifted. When I read this, I cannot remember where, I started asking myself lots of questions, and I found that because I did not allow myself to think much, I did not have opinions of my own. This realisation scared me more than the fact that it is a contributing factor to the now-known “Olodo uprising”🤣🤣

I started thinking about random stuff and asking myself why I had that conclusion, and I realized I had inherited biases from the people I interacted with. Slowly, there was no input in Damola’s standings in a lot of situations, and I knew that was a big problem.

I started by reading problem statements, sitting with myself, and trying to solve them in the ways I thought best. Then I graduated to Pinterest posts that asked questions for reflection and introspection, and then I started having conversations that felt like a route back to myself.

The shift started with me being honest about liking neutral colors rather than purple because I thought every girl should fall in between the pink-or-purple bandwagon. I was more vocal about my hatred of oats because I understood that not liking something is okay, and that the fact that other people do does not automatically mean I should.

Slowly but surely, my understanding of self and my beliefs, being unique to me, I started exuding confidence whenever I spoke about something I was passionate about because I knew my why, the odds and my choice. I would speak so clearly that you would know she knows what she is saying, and this position is one I have come to love.

You see that thing they say about preparation, sponsoring confidence, having a deep understanding of myself has put me in a place where if I am not speaking on a topic, it is most likely that I don’t think my input is necessary, or I am not sure what I think on the subject.

In seeing the recent “olodo uprising” discourse, I see it as people who take whatever they hear and run with it, people who have no substance, simply because they can’t take the time to invest in being knowledgeable about a subject—people who are complacent and would prioritise stanning over being an individual. People who hop on every bandwagon there is, you feel me?

In all, I solved my internal conflict by learning about myself, identifying biases and ultimately answering the tough question of why I believe what I believe.

Safe guys🥰

I heard the term today “gloss over” not for the first time, but the context it was used in prompted me to go look deeper. After reading more about what it means to gloss over, I found I might be a master at this trade.

One of my favorite people in the world always has a bone to pick when I mutter a phrase I have now made my motto, “I don’t care”. In most cases, I actually don’t but he thinks its not a nice outlook, to just not care. But now that I think about it, my not caring might just be a way of glossing over stuff.

I am all for the bants and cracks and just the lighthearted stuff but the moment it’s becoming deeper, expressing our feelings and being all confrontational, it is most likely that I would shy away from the conversation. I mean, I would have these conversations when it is absolutely necessary but the chances are that this conversation happen once in like 6 months. Maybe just maybe I will change.

For this particular situation, I felt a type of way about an interaction with a friend of mine and I had expressed that we could talk about it sometime but when the time eventually came, I tried to gloss over it but she was not having it. She ambushes me into having this conversation and for a minute, I am struggling to put my thoughts and emotions into words and in that moment, I found the sole sponsor of my “gloss overing” nature. The diagnosis shows that I need to work on processing my thoughts and working on my delivery.

Anyways, now that I know what the root cause is, I will start working on it and maybe I will get to the point where I can have these difficult conversations without feeling like a bridge is collapsing on my head.

Thank you for hearing me out.

I was at a workshop yesterday and my friends and I had a quick yap session in the bathroom, with one of them sharing good news about a milestone that had been in view for a minute now and the other wallowing in the fears of not being able to keep anything in her belly and then me, just listening and laughing cause with them, even the ugliest of laughs is acceptable.

In between staying in the restroom while our mates were validating the roadmap, the conversation of whether or not there’s better out there came up. My very wise friend, Damola, says, " There will always be better out there. You have to choose the best. When she said this, I carried it on a surface level, the conversation spanning from different areas where things could be better and how much things could change with time. Still, as the conversation progressed, this same friend said something that solidified what I had thought but did not know how to express.

She said this statement expresses contentment. In essence, what matters is that no matter how much better it gets, if you are not content with what you have, the search for better may very quickly become detrimental. Take, for instance, you can have a boyfriend, but that won’t stop you from seeing more good-looking men daily. Would you then say this guy is finer, he is better for me? NO, at least I would like to believe so. (Am I right?)

Sitting in my thoughts, a whole day after this conversation, I have just one dilemma: my head has tried to wrap itself between the possibility that the best that I have chosen or may choose may not necessarily be as good as the better I could get and what if in picking my best, I genuinely miss out on the better I could get and my choice of best starts to come from a place of complacency. Do you get my point?

My fear is, in a bid to be content, what if I am shooting myself in the leg and actually picking a safe option without knowing? Outside of the fact that always looking for the better to come makes me insatiable, a trait that could very easily become a flaw, how do I strike a balance?

Anyways, that’s it for episode one of bants turned thoughts, please share your thoughts!

I was in a position a few days back, and I caught myself almost lying that I was happy when I wasn’t. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with not being happy for someone when they achieve something. The problem is when that feeling becomes full-blown envy and jealousy. When people find it so easy what you are struggling to do, people achieve things you have been dreaming of achieving and just get to live the life you had envisioned for yourself, I will be honest and confirm that you are not alone when you feel some type of way about them and the position you are in.

I found that I should not feel like a witch for not uttering those words, and that all I had to do was check myself and find a balance between feeling behind, wishing it were me, and being happy for the person. Ultimately, I understand that, instead of using them as a threshold, I can tap into their testimonies and adopt the mindset that if it happened to them, it can happen to me too.

Quick question, are you always happy for others? And in a case when you are not, how do you handle that?

Where do I start with this one?

I definitely cannot share the details of this one, but I trust I can bare my heart whilst still being coded about it. Trust me, I would like to share, but this is indeed bigger than me, and I am still hoping in God for the grace to get through this.

This is the first time in my life that I am totally helpless and cannot fathom my next step. I am going to try as much as possible not to ramble and let you in on what is really going on.

Wow, imagine thinking you have it figured out, that you know what the next few years would look like, and that you are so sure this is the best that could possibly happen to and for you. But somewhere along the line, factors that you have no control over, and both parties actually have no control over, stand in the way and hold the power to rip to shreds the perfect painting that not only have you fallen in love with, but you have also actually begun to run with. Bro, it is well.

Imagine a heart that you have shielded for years on end, finally allowed to function as it should, doing perfectly even, and one day, the danger you eventually encounter, that shield would not have even been able to save you from the attack you are currently facing. I asked God a simple question. WHY?

Why did I protect my heart for so long, only to encounter this kind of (I honestly don’t know what to call it)? What did I do to deserve it?

Omdayys, I cannot even continue, my eyes are tearing up, I cannot cry, I am a big girl😭😭😭

When I walked into my church in 2024, I noticed a few things. Like the praise session being an hour long, a significant difference from the 15-minute max praise session I was used to, in the church I grew up in. The service was great, packed with the word, and after a genuine encounter with God, I decided to start worshipping there.

When they wanted to celebrate the first timers, the pastor introduced the 4 covenants they have with God. The covenant of praise, life, ease and sure mercy. I pondered these covenants for a while, and what I realized was that not once in my life had I thought that people prayed for ease.

EASE.

For life to go smoothly, for things to be free of difficulty, for freedom and just a state of being. And what was a four-letter word became highly significant. Since 2024, I've been asking God for EASE. In any case, I don’t know what to say. I ask God, please make it easy for me.

What ease looks like for me is carrying out tasks in the office, feeling like a breeze, getting the type of response I want, doing things without stressing, good things coming easily to me, opportunities lining up for me, what would be hard for others being seamless for me, finding favour with men, being able to comprehend content, serious content I am consuming, going out and coming back free of accidents and the likes. EASE represented me being free of hardship and anything that makes me “uncomfortable”.

Ever since I came in contact with the covenant of ease, I can tell a huge difference in what life used to look like. I don’t know whether it’s because things are getting easier or just because God is carrying me through it all. What I know for sure is that my life, state of mind, and surroundings started to reflect ease, and even when it did not feel easy, I always thought of it as easier than how difficult it could be. Do we get the point I am making?

Every time I hear them introducing these covenants to first-timers, I reflect on how the umbrella/covering from my church, and just by virtue of being in that service that day, I got the understanding that things could indeed be easy for me. To live a life with ease is one I enjoy and am super grateful for. Imagine a life where you understand that everything happens for you and not to you? A life where you understand that what you think is the worst that could be happening to you is the easier version cause you trust in the covenant you have with a covenant-keeping God.

This is a reflection/ appreciation post for my church, The Light Nation. I will never forget how my view of life changed and how much softer life has gotten.

You should come to my church sometime, don’t you think so?