I just really felt like writing today, after going through a couple of my initial articles I posted here almost 2 years ago. A lot changed over these years. When I started my first publication, I had just left my hideous college hostel and shifted to an apartment to live alone. Now college is on the brink of completion with me being on the brink of depression. Everyone says that college life is worth remembering and it’s the most joyful time of your life but I would beg to differ. Of course, every one experiences things differently and some might have found better people in their colleges. Can’t say the same for me!

Look, I’m not saying I’m an absolute hater when it comes to my college mates but I can’t tolerate them and their personalities. I often feel out of place and misunderstood, which is fine, cause I don’t really want to be too in touch with them. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, sometimes college might not be the best time of your life and it’s perfectly fine as long as you can endure all the hardships along with entertaining yourself by other means like some good food, soothing songs, a good film and a handful of real friends by your side.

Just a day ago I got the news of the iconic Dolly Parton’s passing and recently Tim Curry’s as well. May both of them rest in peace. Heaven must be celebrating their arrival so well. Their deaths made me realize, the worth of sorrow and the weight it puts on our hearts. A month ago, one of my family members died. At that point I was actually numb. I couldn’t go to my hometown for his cremation and all I could do was just sit here and sulk. I wasn’t crying but a tear or two would trickle down when I would think of him.

Be it your closest family member, a superstar, a talented singer or anyone for that matter, death comes for everyone. It’s a thought that often comes and goes in head regarding myself, my parents, and my friends as well. What if I die before everyone? What if I die after everyone dies? How many deaths will I have to witness? At one point, my brain just thinks, “Well, the person is gone. They wouldn’t feel great seeing us crying for them from above.” The worth of sorrow is not in our tears but in our memories we made with them. The weight of remorse is not in the air but in the hearts that thumped for them.

Life is really uncertain. You never know when it’s the last time you’re meeting someone. I didn’t know I would see my uncle for the very last time when I went to my hometown in February. There’s an uncertainty about my career as well. I’m not able to qualify any rounds during this placement season. Companies are coming but I just can’t give my hundred percent. Trying my best to keep studying but I think I’ve reached the saturation point.

Whatever it may be, this too shall pass. I know. Every single bad thing we experience is just a little hurdle one has to cross to reach a finish line that goes farther and farther away as we move closer to it. On the track, many players try to stop us, make us feel weak, but the thing that will make us reach the finish line will not be the sad remarks.

Anyway, just wanted to write something after so long. Thankyou for reading.

Farewell.

Luring the lucid spirits into our world like alibis,

Blooming contradictions contrast the avid mind,

Direct submission to the prime trickster that resides,

Within.

Blaming the State for the issues at stake,

Listicles galore and temperaments so straight,

The need of the hour is to have a stark view,

For the great revelation will arrive to let the new world,

Ensue.

Living like a rock is nothing but a damnation,

For what reason do we have to be such an abomination?

Filling up to the brim, the chances of knowing,

For what we have is just the hunger of outgrowing,

Aloud.

Low and behold the sounds from the hell hole,

Closed and alone are the shards of our souls,

Blatant adjudication corrupts the modern world,

Proper palpitations never cease to make us hoard,

Courage.

Maybe the meaning is unheard and understood,

Maybe the words are not meant to be unfurled,

Maybe courage within is screaming aloud to ensue,

Something sinister,

Something better than being blue.

Damnation’s not a curse,

But a call to wake up.

For all we have,

Is just some time to catch up,

On Us.

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Needing to make me feel so low.

But also the fact that life’s not sure,

About me, and my parade of chores.

Looming are those thoughts that I stole,

From the slab that reeks of no control.

But also the day when I leave it alone,

makes me feel, so much of my own.

Wasting hours and hours,

Which makes me so sour,

And takes so much from me,

I’d give to my tower,

Of endless ideas, exciting interests,

And an ocean of egregious debts.

Asking one last time,

What is this life?

Embroiled by vice.

Shattered by,

The web of lies.

What is this life?

No time to rise,

Like the tides,

Of our own demise.

It’s a never ending strife.

Creation’s cruel when conviction bleeds.

Lurking lines often linger and then cease.

When the thought is too dull to appease,

Then the craft never grows into good deeds.

Bowing down to the Lord of Distractions,

In search of grace, joy, and satisfaction.

When the want is too strong to resist,

Then the desire never turns into mist.

Spending hours and hours,

Which makes me feel armored,

That takes so much from me,

I’d give to my pile,

Of wasted potential, flickering faith,

And moments etched with accidental fate.

Asking one more time,

What is this life?

On the edge with a knife,

Shaken by,

The thunder of an innocent crime.

What is this life?

No time to waste.

Everyone is,

In such a haste.

It’s a never ending race.

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Worn like a scarf on the tired neck with a putrid bust.

Loved by none, I hate everyone, just go away just for once.

As a whole, I’m no-one but a rock with a soul,

As dark as the most murky clouds floating with no role.

Stopped by the mighty lies decorated by lashes of trust,

Frame like a figurine immune to any interventions of lust.

Touched by none, I feel everyone, just heal me just for once.

As a stone, I’m no-one but a jewel with no glint,

As rough as the most challenging days with no hint.

Forced by the dark spirits in my heart to change who I am,

Seem like someone who can be the best person anyone can.

Harmed by none, I hurt everyone, just kill me just for once.

As a snake, I’m no-one but a trickster who slithers in your life,

As smooth as the most unconvincing lie I tell with the utmost strife.

Torn by the hungry wolves waiting to feast on me and my pride,

Run like someone who can be the slowest during the wrong time.

Cared by none, I help everyone, just caress me just for once.

As a lake, I'm no-one but an ocean with no motion,

As still as the most boring hours I spend with no notion.

Is this the antithesis of living a pretentious life?

Is this the gift you get when no-one wants you to be alive?

Do wishes fall from a tree for you to catch them as soon as they die?

Do we understand the hurt that someone feels when they’re not ready to survive?

I think not.

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After months of ruminating and second guessing my writing capabilities, I’m here with a long form post. I would still say, that I don’t feel like writing anymore as much as I used to. It’s just that something happened with me lately or should I say, I did something that’s pushing me to write about it to process and feel relieved about it. I don’t know who will or won’t read. At this point, I just write for myself and that’s enough for me.

So, today I wanna talk about guilt. A strange, not talked about a lot but a very common and valid feeling. You can feel guilty for a lot of things. For not being your best everyday. For not being able to perform as well in academics or work as you want to. Or, even for not being able to tell your best friend how his girlfriend was talking to you behind his back for so long. Yes, that’s what I wanna write about today. Basically, I became a part of a triangle of sorts, not necessarily a love one but a very confusing one for that matter. The only reason I’m writing about this here is just to process this myself. I have always been extremely honest on this publication and today will be no exception.

My college best friend, let’s call him Rochester, talked to me a few weeks ago. He was telling me how he got infuriated when he saw the screenshots of my and her girlfriend’s chats last year. He felt she was cheating on him with me, and that resulted in a dramatic fight between them. He was sad that I never told about this to him, and rightfully so. I never told him cause I had my own reasons. She had asked me to never tell him that we two talked behind his back. Now I’m also a human being and I make mistakes. This was a mistake obviously. But I can’t blame her as well. Rochester had a lot of trust issues. He would always be very possessive of her and would never allow her to talk to any other guy. She didn’t like hiding the fact that we talked but given the circumstances she had to.

While he was telling me how he got so angry that day, and how I blocked him and his gf after he got angry with me, I assured him that we two don’t talk anymore. And as soon as that sentence came out of my mouth, I felt something sharp piercing my heart. Yes, it was guilt. The guilt of not being able to tell the truth to him. Even after knowing that would ruin things between the three of us, I really wanted to tell him the truth.

At that same fucking moment, she messaged me asking for some lecture notes. And that kind of triggered my emotions. I was feeling guilty and the moment I saw her message, my tone changed. I ended the call with Rochester in a few minutes. I sent her all the notes she asked for. Then, she said thank you and also asked me for some code I wrote in my colab notebook. She gave me her mail id and password for me to log in and copy paste my code into her notebook. That was the breaking point for me. Yes, it was nothing serious. But still, I don’t know why I just felt miserable at the moment. I politely asked her to take the code from her boyfriend, and I will not login her mail on my computer. Then she replied saying, “Why? You can develop an entire project for Rue and can’t even do this much for me?” Btw, Rue (name changed) is one of my really good friends in college. We’ve been talking a lot recently. That’s for another post though.

Anyway, this was literally the final breaking point for me. I got infuriated and just texted, “Why do you have to get her in all this fuss? I’m not your boyfriend. Do not talk to me like that. Why can’t you ask him? Feeling shy? Go ask him for the code. I won’t give you.” And then she started getting angry, really really angry, saying how rude I’m being with her. I never understand her. I always do this. She has no energy left to continue this now. And I just said, “Yes, that’s what I want. I don’t wanna talk to you anymore. Please leave me alone. I’m just not feeling well lately.” She said, “Oh what happened suddenly? He must have manipulated you. You always listen to him.” “No-one has manipulated me. I’m just tired and feeling guilty. I talk to him frequently and it just feels heavy to not tell him we talk behind his back. So this is the end. Goodbye.”, I said.

“Are you serious? What the fuck is this? How can you do this to me? You know I have separation anxiety and this is making me feel miserable. I thought you were different but all guys are literally the same.” I just said, “I’m sorry but I can’t lay buried in all this guilt anymore.” Finally after a long texting session of an hour or so, we finally bid adieu to each other. She wasn’t ready to part ways so I had to threaten her that if she said anything mean to me again, I would be forced to share the screenshots of our latest chats to Rochester. She got really angry at that but finally the conversation ended.

Then next day, Rochester unaware of what happened last night messaged me asking to make a group where I could share notes with her in front of him. I didn’t agree at first but then kinda did saying I won’t talk to her at all. The group was made. He asked for something and I texted, “Will send after sometime. Having lunch.” He was fine with it. Then she texted her long list of things to ask for. I read them but didn’t reply as I was eating. Then I went in the kitchen to wash dishes. When I came back to check my phone and send the notes, I was shocked to see all her messages deleted. I asked him about what happened to her. “She thought you were ignoring her.”, he said. I was like, “Wow, what an impatient being she is. Couldn't she see what I wrote earlier?” Rochester went in the group and started scolding her for this. They got into a fight. He was taking my side so she said. “Are you his PA or manager? He can directly talk to me if he has the guts to do so.” Then I told her how impatient she is and she could have not deleted them. She said, “I deleted cause I got it from somewhere.” Like, even then what was the need? She could have just added a message saying Thanks, I got it from somewhere.

And don’t get me wrong. I know this sounds very silly but this is her normal behavior. We have had past quibbles where she would say the meanest, most abusive shit about me in a message. And then would delete it after some time. Like, girl… have a Substack publication at this point. What is this deleting game? Of-course I would be able to read them from my notifications. But this time I had read her messages in the group and even then she deleted. That was just anger acting crazy in her head.

So, after my impatient remark and how I just said ‘Great!’ after she said she got them from somewhere else, she became manic and said some pretty mean things to both of us. “Bro, I can’t tolerate this much insult now. You both are fucking same. Not a single thing is different about you both. You both are made for each other cause you two are literally the same person. I don’t want such help from whores like you. Do whatever the fuck you guys want. I’m done with both of you. One who knows he manipulates him, yet easily gets influenced. Other, who will remain forever insecure and is so jealous that he manipulates others to turn against me. I don’t give a fuck anymore. Classless people. Only feel they are at the top. Narcissist!”

Well, I’m guilty for what I did after this, but I just had to, cause that guilt was killing me from inside and now that she had literally abused me over just one comment of impatience I made about her, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.

I sent this message with the screenshots to Rochester. “I just can’t hold back anymore. I don’t know if you’ll talk to me again after knowing this but she forced me to not tell you. Yes I blocked her from everywhere after that day when I blocked you two but after that she begged me to keep talking to her. I basically felt pity at her condition cause she would always say how you would mentally torture her. So, we started talking in secret just for notes and maybe sometimes, whenever she wanted to trauma dump about you. She would never listen to what I had to say. Just telling her shit and asking for sympathy. I’ve been feeling very guilty since the past few days so I decided to end it with her yesterday. These are its screenshots. I’m very very sorry for everything. Goodbye.”

He saw the message, got angry rightfully so, and called her. She called me and said, “Can’t you understand basic stuff? Why did you do this? Will you do anything in anger?” “So, that is only allowed for you to do. Saying and doing anything in a fit of rage. Is that so?”, I said. “Who said it was about you? I was talking to him not you then you jumped in between our conversation.” “Weren’t you the one who asked me to do so?”, I said. She had no answer to that but she started crying and getting really angry and mean on the phone. I just said, “I did what I had to do. I was feeling guilty. And wasn’t feeling mentally well for the past few days. I did it to save myself from drowning in the guilt?” I said sorry and she cut the call.

And that was how ladies and gentleman, I got rid of the guilt. Now the question is, did I do something wrong? Probably. Does all this sound slightly misogynistic? Some might say yes and to that I say, go ahead. For me, respecting the person is more important than respecting a gender. The things they do are what matter to me. Not what they are. Am I feeling guilty as sin? After I told him about her and me and how he stopped talking to me? Yes, yes I do feel that but this guilt is far more palatable than the one I was feeling earlier. Also, I always felt I was a use & throw friend for him. The moment things were good with his gf, he would ignore me, and whenever they would fight, he would use me as his backup option. Like seriously, I was fed up being that. Yes I considered him as my best friend and still do but I hated this. Both of them were kind of using me for their own reasons in a way. Glad I got out the slammer.

So, in the end I just wanna say that, guilt is a strong emotion and sometimes it can force you to do things that might not be right. But for your own sanity, you should. Just because someone else’s mental health depends on you being with them, doesn’t mean you’ll ruin yours. No matter how good of relations you have with someone, at the end of the day, you can never lie to yourself. You can never sacrifice your own sanity for someone else’s. If some people don’t agree with this sentiment, it’s completely fine. Everyone has the right to think in their own way, and this is how I think about guilt.

I never wanted to write something like this but this triangle of sorts between her, him, and me hadn’t been making me feel good for months. Glad everything has come to an end. I don’t know when will I come back here again but thankyou so much for reading this one.

Side note: I just finished watching Euphoria season 2. Yeah I know I’m late but I loved it. I just love how messy it is. And Jules and Rue’s situation felt quite similar to mine for some reason but anyway, Lexi’s play was a fucking masterpiece. Like budget who? Kat’s character was literally ruined in this season. Know that was intentional, but I’ll miss Barbie so much in the next one. Can’t wait for season 3! Though I am not setting my expectations high for it.

RIP Angus and Eric. They will always be missed. Nobody could have played Fez & Cal like they did.

Farewell.

Finally, I managed to pick it up and throw it away.

Not on the streets of guilt, but in the bin of ‘not anymore’,

‘Cause, I decided to stop drinking the kool-aid any way.

Use me quick, then throw me away like I’m built to destroy.

After all, I mattered only for my willingness to listen and reply.

Who feels bad for a ‘use & throw’?

Oh wait! just me? Okay bro.

Insane of me to think someone will feel for me.

Who even feels for ‘use & throw’ stuff anyway?

Being replaced by another is my impending destiny.

Past memories don’t matter, just throw me away.

Use me quick, then throw me away like I’m built to destroy.

But I’ll always be someone who’ll try to fill that void.

Why feel anything, as a ‘use & throw’?

Being thrown is my purpose. Isn’t it so?

The first time just flashed before my eyes once more,

Truly, we managed to stay as pretend perfect as intended.

Not for the sake of us, but only for the sake of your core,

As painful as this sounds, guilt pushed me to seem dejected.

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The culprit in crime courageous enough for hearts to join.

Hands tied together with a smile drawn from eye to eye,

Loving is loathing and the only thing that makes you feel alive.

First time it felt too fake to feel even a little fine,

But then instinct kicked in and out came those lines.

Blurting out those rabid sermons of pretense,

I tried to run as fast as I could to find lasting penance.

Second time it felt too good to feel even a little guilt,

But then joy kicked in and she out poured all that we had built.

Blurring out all those stagnant memories of past,

I tried to forget as fast as I could to find the next task.

Third time it felt too smooth to feel even a little rush,

But then speed kicked in and we out lived the gush.

Battering down all those mirages I had made,

I tried to remain as patient as I could for destiny’s sake.

Fourth time it felt too unreal to feel even a little hope,

But then trust kicked in and we out ran the toll.

Bickering about all those silly things we said,

I tried to behave as tame as I could to be unread.

Fifth time it felt too quick to feel even a little firm,

But then desire kicked in and I out staged the squirm.

Blabbering about all those precocious signs she gave,

I tried to stop as quick as I could to find me and be sane.

This is a never ending draft of my maladies that have no cure,

No ailment to cater to the heart that’s so impure.

Forgetting the ways of wisdom to gain quick attention,

Loving is loathing and the only addiction to feel a confession.

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Never in my dreams have I felt so weak.

Trying to get through the day without being estranged,

By the constant memories of joy resisting my embrace.

What if I had no choice but to stay,

In this world that is so grey?

Having just one request to make,

Non Ti Scordar Di Me.

Tumultuous remarks echo in my chamber,

Traveling to veins even my blood couldn’t remember.

Seeing my vicarious future with the eyes of my past,

While wondering about the impending demise at last.

What if I need nobody to say,

That all you need is just a way,

To make believe what you may.

Non Ti Scordar Di Me.

Sailing through the vices amidst the tempest of my pride,

Shining like a star glowing vehemently just to prove a point.

Dining with my alter ego in the fragile dark of the night,

To make me feel like I am just a broken soul full of might.

What if I just don’t breathe next day,

And suddenly my heart gives its way?

Lips pursing after the last thing I’ll say,

Non Ti Scordar Di Me.

Non Ti Scordar Di Me.

Non Ti Scordar Di Me.

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Once again, I am feeling like this. At this point it just feels like seasonal depression to me. I wanna write but my words just don’t carry that weight that they used to before. Something has changed within me. Something I just cannot explain. Or maybe I can? Well, I’ve been going through a lot lately in terms of studies, thinking about the future and maybe a really crucial existential crisis. I’ve been trying a lot of things to distract my mind drowning in intentionally undiscovered anxiety, like watching a movie (but not enjoying it like I want to), talking to family and friends (but not having the energy to sound enthusiastic while talking), and just spending a lot of time on instagram doom scrolling (fortunately I deleted the app, reinstalled it, put a timer, and life feels a bit better now).

A few days ago, I read this amazing and honest poem by Sakhi Singh, one of my really good friends here, which made me realize my own issue and why I’m feeling so reluctant to write anything these days. ‘room temperature notebooks’, a poem unlike anything I’ve read from her, talks about a really common issue all writers go through. When our words no longer have that charm they used to have.As she writes, “my words have become dry and sleepy like the onset of winter on my skin. my words are mine but they are dreaming of a tomorrow.” I felt that. Ouch!

She’s a really talented and witty writer. It’s difficult to infuse humor in your writing even when you aren’t talking about something that requires humor to begin with. But her way of writing just makes any article she writes, so addictive to read. I’ll be honest with you all, the only reason I’ve come back to this app is because of her poem. I read it one evening and realized how much I have missed this place. So, what are you waiting for? Go read that poem if you didn’t click the above link before continuing to read this and come back here. I’ve lots of stuff to say, not in a poetic way of course cause my poetic brain is in coma these days.

This 9th of September, I completed a year of writing on Substack. Thankyou to each and everyone who has ever read anything by me and decided to support me through this. I never expected people to like my writing this much. Reading so many comments about how they felt heard and understood by my words, warms my heart every single time. I hope I keep writing here for years to come unaffected by anything else in life, be it work, or any other kind of crisis.

Recently, I tried writing a poem about autumn cause it’s my favorite season (even though we don’t experience it in India), and just couldn’t find words for it which is pretty rare. I tried writing a few lines about it and deleted them instantly cause I found them pretty cliché and boring, with no sauce. This wasn’t the case earlier. Or maybe, when I just started writing here, I had no idea about the quality of writing and just wrote anything that my mind thought of. But now that I have written some things that have some kind of quality, my mind forces me to meet those standards every single time, which we all know is just not possible.

Safe to say, I have been afflicted by a terminal writer’s block. I’ve been dying just from trying to seem new. There’s nothing about this world that inspires me, interests me, or just moves me in any sort of way. I’ve morphed into a stone it seems. Lying on the ground, kicked by strangers, unaffected by the weather, just waiting to be crushed.

Slumbering is a rare occurrence these days. I do try to sleep on time but my eyes don’t get ready to doze off it seems. Maybe there’s too much work to do or I’m just developing insomniac symptoms.

So, these are all the reasons why I think my pen isn’t pushing the paper anymore. If anyone else feels like this, due to anxiety, work overload, burnout, or just any reason, just remember, you’re not alone. We all are fighting a battle every single day. The magnitude of it doesn’t matter. It’s our battle to fight after not someone else’s, so no one can gauge the seriousness of our problems and neither can we theirs. At the end of the day, this too shall pass. Hope you liked reading this. I don’t know when will I feel to write again. Until then, thankyou so much for reading.

Farewell.

Dear Reader,

What I’m about to share with you is a message I sent to someone really close to me.

This is real. Not an ounce of fiction is in this. Hope you like and relate to this.

Also, I wrote this message to them while feeling a bit down due to my illness, so bear with the average writing.

Good morning.

This is not a dream i had. This is not made up. I think i actually was going to die last night. I know it sounds dramatic but what i felt in those moments, from 2:30 am to 6:00 am made me realize how puny humans are. I slept with a headache and light fever because I thought the headache will go away after sleeping for a few hours. Boy was i wrong.

At around 2:30 am my body started to heat up like i was put inside a microwave. My head started aching like someone was hammering on it. I was feeling so weak, so helpless and just defeated. I have been afflicted by a similar situation in Bhopal but during that time I don’t know why but I didn’t feel what I felt last night.

I woke up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ran to mom and asked her to touch my forehead. She immediately woke up and went to the kitchen to get me a glass of water along with a paracetamol. I swallowed the pill and surrendered to the bed which engulfed me with the fear of losing breath. I started feeling nauseous for some reason. My headache started to get worse. Mom was trying to press my forehead but it wasn’t helping at all.

My entire body was aching and burning so bad. I just closed my eyes wishing to get some sleep, but all i could think of was my funeral. Yes, a funeral. Why? I don’t know. But i could imagine people knowing about my death, breaking down and coming to our place. All this was reeling in my head when suddenly I had a strange dream (sort of). It involved you in it but I don’t know why and how. So in that weird dream, there was this auction at some place organized by you (or someone similar to you). And people are buying stuff from the auction and somehow my body is linked to that auction.

So, whenever a person bought something my body felt a bit better. But still, I was having a constant headache. I was having this weird feeling of lightness in my body but at the same time heaviness in my chest. After a few hours, my body turned cold, completely cold. My head started to feel less pain. In my mind, the auction was over and my misery was completely bought by others leaving me bereft of aching. At the time of writing this, I am feeling better. I think the medicine is working cause I’m feeling hot now. I hope I don’t have to take another at any point in the day.

You might think, why has he sent me this long message about his illness? Even i don’t know, during that moment I just had one thought constantly reverberating in my mind, that I had to tell you about this or else I just wouldn’t feel better. Anyway, now I’m feeling much better so no need to feel tensed or anxious about anything.

Farewell.

The day that’s supposed to be fun.

‘Tis the day I should be happy,

The day that’s supposed to house a soirée.

All the things I’ve learnt in all these years,

Aren’t yet enough for me to be truly revered.

After all what’s life but a cracked mosaic floor,

Altruistic anomalies emanating from the core.

Lured by the sound of life all around,

Letting me remain silent but never loud.

Lonely mirages soothe my inner essence,

Loving the ways I live in life’s presence.

Echelon to some, luminary for others,

Ebbing and flowing while the shore withers.

Elitist to some, rudimentary for others,

Expressing remorse like a ripple in rivers.

Time’s not a saint but an artist of fate,

Life’s just a play to act in before it gets too late.

Actually it’s not but you have to believe.

Lived all these years and more for sure to come,

To tell the tale of turning twenty-one.

Dear Reader,

It’s such an unusual thing to say but, people can go from people you knew once to having no association with them at all. It happens gradually or even abruptly sometimes. Recently, someone who was once my confidant, has decided to cut ties with me. Why? Well, he has his own reasons which I prefer not to say here. I just wanna talk about this phenomenon if you can call it one. How can a person go from being one of your closest friends to being an absolute stranger in your life?

‘People come into your lives for a reason and once their job is done, they go away and your paths never meet.’ This is something that I’ve always heard and I also believe that it’s somewhat true. We meet so many people in our lives. Some become our friends, some become our foes but what really matters is the impact they had on us. In my case, I met this ex friend of mine a few months ago. Initially we both didn’t like each other but the moment we started talking more, we realized that we could be good friends, and thus we became. He was quite opposite to me but somehow we both had a reason to be with each other.

He was the chaos I needed in my life and I was the calm he craved all the time. Honestly, no one really likes him cause of his chaotic personality. He is quite flawed but even after all this, I never found him problematic. I liked his company because of the way he treated me. He would change his personality to fit in with me sometimes and I’d do the same. But at the end of the day, we were not each other’s reflections.

So, I think the reason he came into my life was to make me feel life’s better when it’s chaotic. It’s not always important to have it all figured out. It’s not always necessary to be a perfectionist. It’s not always required to be poised, calm, and patient in every situation. I did learn a lot from him and in a way he did change my personality and perspective to look at life a little bit.

But now that we don’t talk anymore, I realized how the saying that people leave you once their job gets done is so true. He did his job of changing my personality and then left to go on a path of his own. In a way, I also changed him a little bit. He has become gentler, calmer, and a bit more mature. He talks to others in a respectful manner and takes decisions calmly. So, my job is also done in a way. And that’s why our friendship ended. Not necessarily on a happy note but maybe on an indifferent one.

This happens with everyone you meet. You become friends for sometime. You learn something new. They also learn something from you. But one day, something happens that finally makes you both grow apart. You never meet again, and you never feel like meeting again. But does this happen with everybody? Has this ever happened that a person who was your best friend left you but came back in your life after a few years? Yup! With me.

One of my really really close friends, almost a brother to me, came back into my life recently. During our childhood, he had to change his school and from that day we never talked until now. I don’t know why we didn’t talk. We hadn’t fought. We would talk daily in the past, but both of us decided to not be in contact anymore ‘cause we had different paths to go on. That was the time when I realized that our roles in each other’s lives ended and we will never meet again in the future. Boy was I wrong. After a few years, we got connected on insta and life’s been good since then. We talk occasionally just about anything. They can be really deep conversations about life, or silly ones, or even really really unfiltered ones. And that says a lot about our bond which I think got stronger after that gap of a few years.

So, I do believe that sometimes people can go to come back stronger than a 90s trend in your life and those people are the best ones and you need to value them more. The ones that go and never come back just had their role cut from your film. No need to worry or feel sad about them. Atleast they made the film more interesting by delivering a tantalizing performance for a few scenes.

Finally, I just want to say that, I have a very different philosophy when it comes to friendship. For me, it’s quite easy to move on from people and not think about them in the future. That doesn’t mean everyone should do that. There’s power in holding space for those who were once the best parts of your life. It’s a way to keep them close even when they’re not in reality. At the end of the day, it’s just you, your mind and your heart feeling for everyone and everything that makes your life’s film an absolute blockbuster. Hope you liked this. Thankyou so much for reading!

Farewell.

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Rochester was lying on his bed. It was a warm friday evening. All his friends had gone to a trip to Edinburgh. He also had to go but on the day when he had to leave, he caught the flu. With a body aching with acute fever, a stuffy nose as red as Rudolph’s, and a sore throat which made him cough every few minutes, he was all alone in his room and also the only person in the house. His parents had gone to London to attend a wedding.

What could Rochester, who’s feeling under the weather even do to kill time? He couldn’t watch TV as its noise gave him a severe headache. He couldn’t read a book as being a bibliophile he didn’t want to forcefully read something at a time when he couldn’t enjoy it like he would, if he was feeling better. Video games? Yes! He would love to play them. Especially the new Mario game that had just come out on Nintendo.

Somehow, he got up from his bed, and slowly went to his study table where his Nintendo switch was kept. Upon reaching there, he was shocked when he saw that his switch was not on the table. He didn’t have the stamina to search for it so he gave up and decided to go back to sleep with some instrumental music playing in the background at a low volume.

When he woke up after sleeping for a few hours, he thought, it must’ve been night time, but he was shocked to see the same setting sun that he saw when he woke up to play games on his Nintendo switch. He thought, maybe he had dreamt all that, and it was still evening, or maybe he hadn’t slept for hours but just a few minutes which had felt like hours in his mind.

Rochester was feeling much better now. So, he decided to go downstairs and get something to eat. When he came down and went in the kitchen, he was shocked to see his Nintendo switch lying on the counter. He thought, “How did it reach here? Maybe mom, but she never touches my stuff. I wonder why this is here.” He made some cheese sandwiches and took them to his room upstairs, along with a cup of hot Americano, and his switch.

He began eating and playing Mario kart. After eating, he realized it had been two hours since the time he went to the kitchen and made sandwiches. The sky was just not turning blue. It remained yellow and a bit grey with the sun setting down. “Why isn’t night coming today? Has time stopped or something?” Rochester felt tired after playing so he decided to sleep again and this time he was sure that when he’ll wake up, it will be night time.

He had set an alarm which would go off at exactly 10pm. That way, he was certain that he’ll wake up during the night. Finally, he went to a deep sleep. The alarm went off at the intended hour, he woke up and switched it off, and what did he see from his window? The same setting sun and the same evening sky. At this point, Rochester was getting agitated. “What the heck is happening with me? Am I going mad? My clocks are working fine but why is the sky not changing its colour? Something is definitely not right.”, he thought.

He was feeling perfectly fine. No fever, headache, or even any kind of fatigue. He decided to go out of his house and meet others to ask about this. When he went out, he saw no one outside. If it was really evening, children must have been playing in the park, people must’ve been returning their homes, but nothing of that sort he could see. He went to his neighbor’s house and knocked at her door. The old lady didn’t open it.

He tried to knock at other doors in the neighborhood too but no one gave him a response. “Where have they all gone? Are they not well enough to open, or have they all been taken somewhere?” Rochester was thinking about this while standing on the street, when an ice cream van passed by. Rochester found this very weird, “It’s October and quite cold right now. Why on earth would anyone want to eat icecream?”

Without thinking much he decided to talk to the ice cream man in the van regarding this weird time glitch. He stood in front of the van. As soon as it stopped, Rochester went to the driver’s side and asked him to roll down the glass. He said, “Hey! Do you know where have all these people in the neighborhood gone? And why is time not moving? It’s still evening even though it should be night. Do you know anything about this?”

“You wants ice cream?”, the ice cream man said ignoring everything Rochester asked. “What? No! I asked something. Can you answer that?”, he said angrily. “I tell if you eats ice cream.”, he ignored his question again. Rochester didn’t want to eat ice cream as he was ill and any cold thing would worsen his condition. “Will you really tell me why all of this is happening if I eat your ice cream?”, Rochester asked. “You eats ice cream, I tell you.”, the ice cream man said.

Rochester thought about this for a moment. “What kind of quandary I’m stuck in? If I eat ice cream, he’ll tell me why all this is happening, but eating it will mean worsening my sore throat which I can’t afford at all. If I don’t eat, I will have to find someone else to ask for an explanation but I can’t go that far cause I can’t drive and also, I’ll get really tired if I walk to some other place to find people. My best option right now is to eat his ice cream and hope that he tells something.”

“Okay, I’ll eat the ice cream. But promise me, you’ll answer my questions after I eat.” Said Rochester. The ice cream man got out and went to the back of the van. He opened the rear part of the van exposing an icecream parlour with a plethora of flavours. Rochester said, “I’ll have chocolate please, but I don’t have money so I can’t pay you.” The ice cream man, took a scoop of vanilla ice cream, put it in a cup and gave it to Rochester without even listening to what he was saying. Rochester assumed that he had hearing issues.

When he took the cup from his hand. Rochester noticed something very weird. The icecream man had three fingers and one thumb, all attached with skin like an amphibian. He got so scared that he dropped the cup and started running to the other direction with all his might. “Who is that man? Ghost? Alien? Whatever it is. What is happening today? Why is this day so weird? Am I in one of my weird dreams that I frequently have?”, Rochester was thinking all this while running away from the ice cream van.

After running for a few minutes he reached the main road. There were a few cars on it that made Rochester feel a bit safe. He started waving to get noticed by any driver. After some time, a car stopped near him. He thanked and sat quickly on the passenger seat beside the driver. Rochester asked, “Sir, can you take me to the nearest police station? Something very weird is happening in my neighborhood and I don’t know why there is a man who seems non-human to me. And do you notice the color of the sky? It’s almost midnight right now according to clock but the sky doesn’t look like it right? Do you know why all of this is happening?”

The driver also ignored his questions like the ice cream man. Rochester asked again. No answer. For the third time he listened and turned towards Rochester. The man had pitch black eyes. Not just the pupils, his whole eyes were black. Rochester got so scared that he quickly jumped out of the car and ran in any direction at that point. That’s when he realized or rather assumed that there are no humans left on the earth and every human he’s seeing is actually an alien in disguise.

Rochester had no idea what to do next. No one he knew, was with him. He was all alone surrounded by potential extraterrestrials who could harm him at any moment. After pondering upon his dire situation for some time, he decided to go back to his home. He was sure about being safe there. He started running towards his neighborhood, and doubled his speed when he saw that same car in which he sat, following him. “He’s after me! The alien’s after me! What should I do? What should I do?”, his trembling inner voice said.

Rochester reached his home without getting caught. He quickly opened the door, went upstairs, and locked his bedroom door and windows. From the window, he could see that black car parked in front of his house. The questionable creature got out and started staring up at Rochester’s bedroom window. Rochester was very scared but he knew that as long as he’s in his bedroom, no one could harm him, but little did he know what was about to happen.

Rochester thought, ”Well, I can do nothing about this situation. Maybe all this is a hyper realistic nightmare. This can’t happen in real life. No! Never!” While he was talking to himself, he hard a strange noise from his cupboard. He screamed while sitting on his bed, “Who’s there? Get out of my cupboard now!” No response. He asked again and this time, went near the cupboard. After asking one more time he opened the cupboard and was shocked to see the ice cream man.

“You?!! What are you doing here?! Please don’t harm me. Please!!”, begged Rochester. “You not eats ice cream.”, said the ice cream man. “I got scared when I saw your hands.” “Now you eats ice cream?” Rochester had no choice but to agree to what the ice cream man was saying. “Okay, but this means you won’t hurt me and tell me why all this is happening. Deal?” The ice cream ignored him as always and gave him the same vanilla ice cream cup with a wooden spoon.

Knowing it’ll worsen his cold and sore throat, he started eating. Rochester loved the taste of it. The flavour tasted like real vanilla beans and the texture of the ice cream was smooth like a gelato. “This is so good! Never knew aliens could make such delicious ice cream! Crazy!!”, said Rochester with a chuckle. “You eats ice cream now go to sleep.” “Sleep? Why? I’m not feeling sleepy. Yes it’s late in the night right now but I just don’t feel like it. The sun is still setting down, no darkness in the sky whatsoever. I’m not feeling sleepy.”, assured Rochester.

“Our experiment worked Dr. Siskin.”, someone spoke behind Rochester’s back. He turned around and was shocked to see that same black eyed man he saw in the car he sat. “Which experiment? Wait, what is happening? What do you mean? Am I the experiment? Who are you? What are you all doing here?”, Rochester started feeling dizzy while speaking. “Doctor, put him on his bed.”, said the black eyed man.

“Yes Mr. Weather.”, said Dr. Siskin. Rochester’s eyes started feeling heavy and in a few seconds, he went to a deep sleep. When he woke up after some time, it was morning. He had a very bad headache along with acute pain behind his right ear. He couldn’t remember a lot of things that happened the night before. The last thing he remembered was playing Mario kart on his Nintendo switch. The good news for him was, he was no longer feeling under the weather, but the bad news for him was, he would always be under the weather. From now on, his body was under Weather’s control.

The End.

© 2025 Ritwik Upadhyay

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Sliver of my heart strings strangled by the door

Trampled by the visitors thinking it’s just a rope

Calling all the yes men to keep a check on my throat

Who knows maybe one day I will slice it like a loaf

Shivers down my spine bent with the weight of my roles

Staggered by a pack of wolves laughing at my lonely bones

Sliding down the stairs like a kid who’s going to die

Who knows maybe one day I’ll finally give it a try

Weathering with the wind and trembling with the terrains

Slow in the process but gentleness in my veins

Courage is a concept and hindrance is a real pain

Rowing through the salt waters, beneath the bridge of dying disdain

Seasons change like sounds of silence in my heart

Gloomy Winter comes and goes like a guest who never laughs

Drowning in the rain as the boat broke my trust

Holding the hopeless paddle I tried to fully submerge

Showers of broken glass soothe my inner demons

The times when they laugh is when I’m trying to believe ‘em

Flowers when they die look like the dying charm in my eyes

The kind when they cry and when I’m trying to force a smile

I’m aware of the Cacophony you felt just now

No form, no sense, no structure to adorn it with charm

Mirroring my thoughts with imagery not so strong

Just like me and my will to live that dies every day not so long

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Rejected by the hearts and protected by the larks,

Corrupted by the flaws and disrupted by the laws,

Is the giver who walks down the road to eternal loss.

Amused by the jokes and refused by the folks,

Deduced by the crimes and misused by the times,

Is the giver who floats down the aisle to find a smile.

Cornered by the greats and honoured by the lows,

Throttled by the hurt and smothered by the dirt,

Is the giver who flies down the path to save the earth.

Betrayed by the friends and strayed by the fence,

Dithered by the glow and mirrored by the flow,

Is the giver who swims down the fall to endless loan.

Crowned by the sweet and crucified by the weak,

Mounted by the smart and founded by the heart,

Is the giver who slithers down the steps to silent remark.

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OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!! Taylor Swift just announced the title of her new album, and the swifties are losing their minds. We are so used to getting frequent releases from her, that it almost felt like a ‘drought (which was the very worst!)’ since last year, until today. ‘The Life of a Showgirl’ is the title of her 12th studio album. Quite an interesting one I must say. We don’t know much about it right now. A clip of an upcoming new heights podcast episode was released a few hours ago which showed Taylor unveiling the album cover and telling the title. Jason shouting like a maniac is actually us since this news.

The colours for this era are copper like glittery orange and mint green probably, which is an interesting combination. I’m excited to see the album cover on wednesday when the full podcast episode will be released. There’s a lot to speculate about this album just by the title. I know that everything I will be writing after this will be a huge stretch of imagination and plausible delusion, but the title is so interesting that it demands to be pondered upon. On paper, it’s pretty simple. The life of a showgirl, where Taylor is the showgirl and she’ll be talking about her life. Simple. But it’s always that ‘the devil’s in the details’ in her case. ‘Baby, let’s go!’

When I heard this title from her mouth, immediately the ‘I Can Do It With A Broken Heart’ performance from the eras tour popped up in my head. Taylor’s actually the show girl putting on a show for people to watch, smile, laugh and cry at. This album might be a commentary on the show business and how performers tackle their personal and professional lives. Showgirl according to Wikipedia is a female performer in a theatrical revue who wears an exotic and revealing costume and in some shows may appear topless. Showgirls are usually dancers, sometimes performing as chorus girls, burlesque dancers or fan dancers, and many are classically trained with skills in ballet. The French view the term showgirl as an American idiomatic expression. Some strip clubs and some strippers use the term showgirl as part of their business name.

Now, this is just a textbook definition. Obviously, Taylor decided to keep showgirl in the title in a different way, but in its essence, it’s clear that it’s all about performance. A performer’s life is full of highs and lows. They often remain sad from the inside but do everything to make the audience happy. Take clowns (that we often are) for an example. They are the funniest people alive, but no one looks at their sad faces behind the exaggerated clown makeup and the red nose. Behind all the glitz and glam, there lies something gloomy, which is often overlooked by many who come to enjoy the show. Yes, performers earn a lot but is it all about the money? Some perform cause they love to, some cause they need to, and some cause they have no other option.

I think she’ll try to reflect on her career and how pop stars especially female artists are treated by the industry. It’s an unspoken rule in the industry that old pop stars cannot be relevant or successful. Their definition of old is over 30 but that’s just pointless. Many successful artists like Taylor herself, Lady Gaga, and even Beyoncé have proved that age is nothing just a proof of their impressive relevance and ability to become a legend in their own right. These ‘showgirls’ have their own set of difficulties, which are often overlooked. Taylor might be talking about the inner workings of someone in show business. As she says in one of the potential album lyrics, “And baby, that’s show business for you.” This is such a telling line. I think this lyric will come after she tells everything that she goes through while working in the music industry and she’ll say this line in a sarcastic way almost. I don’t know.

The life of a showgirl can also talk a bit about her personal life. Her relationship with Travis Kelce, the re-recording saga, something from the past, relationship with fame and maybe something about the eras tour again. This album’s giving a culmination of the ICDIWABH performance and the rise and fall of a Midwest princess to me. The baroque style pop, campy, over the top, and a bombastic production. She has made a playlist on Spotify with all her songs on which Max Martin and Shellback have worked on which can be hinting at them being the main producers of TS12. And also, I read somewhere a few weeks ago that this album will have 60-70s retro pop sound, ABBA style almost. Now idk if this is true but I’ll be sooooo happy if it does.

Anyway, this was just me trying to record my initial thoughts on TS12. So excited to see the album cover on Wednesday. I might be writing more about TS12 and its themes in the future. The theme and concept is really interesting.

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Visiting a new planet when you’re an alien to it is definitely an interesting task. You are going to a place, unknown to you. People can get afraid of you. They can be angry at you or even get attached to you. One such thing happened, when I reached this foreign planet faraway from where I’m from. An alien met humans. Not just any humans, they were supernatural in their own way. Let me tell you the whole story from the beginning.

At my home planet, everything was going great. Sadly, I had to leave it because for an alien in their late teens, it’s obligatory for them to go to a different planet, and observe and experience the kind of life creatures live there. So I had to come to Berlune where I’m stuck to this day. Anyway, I came here and decided to live as a human being. Yes, Berlune is not very different from Earth. The creatures here are just like humans. Just one thing is different. Their brains are smaller than the earthly creatures.

As a human, I decided to get admitted to a ‘college’. Yes, humans here call penitentiaries as colleges. I was put into a cell with two other humans. Both had this tendency to eat my brains. Yes, we have multiple brains. The creatures of Lilkan possess multiple brains according to their level of intelligence. I have two, much better than creatures of my age. Anyway, Klevii and Hixan, my two cellmates would always think that I’m different from them, and they were right. I truly am. I’m glad, I only had to tolerate them for one year. I had to attend the college lectures too. And so I did. In my classroom, I met a girl named Shindra. Yes, just like on earth, Berlune also has masculine and feminine creatures.

Shindra was a strange creature. Never talking to anyone but me. I would talk because I thought she might feel bad if I won’t. This went on for a few months. Talking changed to sitting together and that changed to possessiveness. She became obsessed with me. I don’t know why though. What is so good about me? I’m just an alien from Lilkan. Nothing crazy. She would manipulate me into believing that other humans are not how they are in front of me. They talk shit behind my back. She wanted to keep me all for herself and I fell into her trap. She became so possessive that she started following me everywhere I would go. She would stare at others who would talk to me. She would keep on staring while I would eat humans’ food.

Things became so toxic that I decided to stop sitting with her by giving her excuses. Then, fortunately in the next semester, she wasn’t in my class anymore, but her obsession was out of bounds. She would come to my class to continue her ‘staring like a maniac’ game. That was the final straw for me. If I had the mind of a lunatic, I would have instantly turned her into ashes by my lazer gun, but I resisted and used the power of the ancient technology of phones (we used to have these for communication a thousand years ago at Lilkan. Now we just talk with our brains.) and blocked her from everywhere. Finally, she was out of my Berlune’s life. Quite easy to get rid of her I must say.

Shindra was out of my life, but that meant the entry of another character in my story, Riksha. Riksha was a girl who wouldn’t talk to me like Shindra did. She had an equivalent, or as people like to call it here, a boyfriend named Roxan. Me and Roxan were and still are good comrades, or friends in Berlune’s lingo. There was just one thing he didn’t like. Riksha talking to me or when I would talk to her. He was and still possessive in his own way. One day, using her phone, Riksha sent me a digital micro letter or a ‘text’ to ask for some lecture notes. Well, because I have two brains, which are certainly bigger than anyone’s here, I study well and prepare good notes.

As a pretentious humanitarian, I sent her digital reflections of my notes. Sorry, I meant pictures. Ughh! Berlune’s language is just too foreign for me. Anyway, gradually she began asking for notes frequently, and then we became comrades as well, but not in Roxan’s knowledge. Both of us decided to not tell him about our conversations as that would get Riksha into some serious trouble. We became perfect in hiding our camaraderie from him. Yes, just camaraderie, nothing else.

Let’s keep Riksha’s story aside for a moment. I want to tell you about another character, Nimira. I met her through an application, that some people have in their phones, called SideRick. You do something on this app. That something is calling random strangers and telling them how good they are. As a pretentious humanitarian, I love doing this. I still am on that app. I just call very few people now. So, Nimira and I met when she called Riksha. Riksha knew I was on SideRick, so she told me how someone called Nimira called her and said such sweet words to her. I texted her directly to thank her. Basically, Riksha was going through a hard time in her life. Her boyfriend fought with her and she felt trapped. Nimira consoled her.

We started texting each other frequently since then. Both of us liked being in each other’s company. Nimira was younger than me (everyone is here, but she was a bit more). Given her age, she appeared to be quite mature and sensible. I started missing Lilkan and was battling loneliness in Berlune when Nimira started talking to me. She made me feel good about this life. Nimira and I started talking daily like best friends. We both had SideRick talks as the common topic to talk about. She would tell me how she called hundred people in one day and I would tell her about that one call that made me cry. Yes, we can cry like humans. It’s just that we do not know how to cry crocodile tears like them.

We had a very strong bond of friendship. Intact for six months. It changed one day. Nimira, courageously said she loved me. I, didn’t know what to do with that information. How can a human love an alien? Oh yes, I forgot, I’m human to everyone here, got it, got it! Anyway, so I knew Nimira very well. Her human heart would break into a thousand pieces if I had refused. Even after knowing that she was younger to me, I decided to accept her love. But nothing changed. We’d still talk like best friends just like before.

It all went well until one day, Nimira’s mother saw her texts along with mine and that was the end of our conversation. She asked her to block me from everywhere. I totally respected her decision and thanked the Lilkan stars, because I was not the reason of our breakup. Someone else was. The fear of hurting her because of which I accepted her love never happened. I never hurt her. Someone else did. I was quite content when this happened. An alien can never love a human. That’s the ultimate truth. I had an amazing friendship with her but, love can never blossom. And the age gap was an added reason.

After being free from the shackles of human love, my friendship with Riksha continued. We became stronger friends. Somewhere, Riksha took Nimira’s place in my life. But, this time I was relieved because Riksha already had a boyfriend, and still does. No scope of confessions here! Thank the Lilkan Lords! A few months according to Berlune’s definition of time passed. Nimira started to try coming back in my life through texts, hiding everything from her mom. Because we didn't stop talking on bad terms, I gave our friendship another chance. Just as friends, that was my condition.

We started talking like the old days, but gradually she became the old Nimira again. The same girl, always emotionally immature, having a dramatic concept of love in her human brain and treating everything as a joke. I just asked her once about the reason because of which her mother did that. She replied that her mother found me ugly and a liar even though she never found anything extremely bad about me in the texts. She just assumed. I could understand her mother’s point of view and didn’t make a big fuss about this. But, after telling all this to me, she said one thing that became the final straw for me.

Vicaris, a male best friend of mine knew about Nimira when we would talk. He also assumed some pretty nefarious things about her. Me being me, I told this to Nimira. She became furious and started cursing him. She said that she wanted to slap him for what he assumed. After reading this text, I calmly texted, “Well, he also assumed some things just like your mother did. So, if we go by your ways, your mom deserves the same, isn’t it? Obviously no and similarly he doesn’t as well.” Now listen, some might say I’m at fault here. I shouldn't have disrespected her mother, she had nothing to do between us, but so does Vicaris. Just because he’s male and not older in age like her mother, talking about slapping him is fine but even the thought of doing the same to her mother is evil in its truest form. Wow!

See, I do not believe in blindly respecting humans. Firstly, everyone on Berlune is younger to me so respecting the elder argument is just a pretence in my book. Secondly, I don’t think I said anything wrong. I didn’t say I wanted to slap her mother. Anyway, I stopped talking to her after this happened. She apologised to me but I had already made up my mind. I felt that I was feeling emotionally drained whenever I would talk to her and it’s best to end things for good. That’s what I did by sending a digital macro letter (long text) as my final goodbye. Even after requesting her to not send a text to me anymore, she did, which shows how emotionally immature one can be. She said, that I never understood her. I’m the reason she fainted and what not. But I had made up my mind. That was the last day we talked. Nimira’s story came to an end.

Shindra out, Nimira also out of my pretentious human life now. Who’s left? You guessed it, Riksha. Well, me and Riksha had an argument just a few weeks ago, about how I'm not talking to her in a friendly way and that I’ve changed. Now, I just reacted to a text and not replied to it like other times. How can this prove that someone is being rude to you? That creature might not be in a good mood at that time. But Riksha couldn’t understand this. She blamed me for becoming different. And yes, I had become different just for Riksha. She basically took me for granted and started using me as a dumping ground, to dump her trauma, fear, anxiety and frustration. That rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn’t take it anymore. We stopped talking for some time.

Then one day, Riksha messaged me with that same arrogance and anger. You might have noticed this about her behaviour, but if not let me tell you, she is extremely short tempered. She messaged mean things to me, and then she deleted them after sometime. I told her how her behaviour made me feel bad. She said sorry but also said that she can’t control her anger or behaviour and that I should understand her. Then she started calling me repeatedly. Ten times at once. Can you believe it? I already hate this ancient technology I’m struggling with in Berlune and she made me crazy by calling like a maniac without a pause. I just texted her saying I can’t talk, because I had already told her everything I wanted to say, on text.

She wasn’t ready to listen that and said that her habit is to always settle things on call. Now, I can’t understand her this much. Just because I’m an alien, should always I be the one to be the bigger person and forgive people? No! Enough is enough! Riksha started acting very differently. The fact that I didn’t call her just because I was watching a moving human document (film), even after saying that I would call later, she lashed out on me and said you just don’t want to talk. Let it be. Now, this was the final straw in Riksha’s story. We had a heated argument on text only and finally our friendship (which was once very strong) ended on bad terms.

Now, I’m in my new home and writing this account. To record everything that happened with me on Berlune, the earth like planet. I’m still stuck here, but this account will reach to all of you, my lovely creatures of Lilkan. For now, I’m friends with no girl on Berlune. In Lilkan? Yes! Talking with our brains is my most favourite way to communicate with someone. Glad there is someone with which I can do so. It reminds me of Lilkan. Just hope I can leave Berlune and go back to Lilkan soon. This is the end for now. Goodbye!

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Dear Reader,

Finally, I decided to write a long form post here rather than a poem. To be honest, I was just not feeling like writing an essay here for the past few days or weeks. Why? Well… I don’t know, I feel like there’s nothing to talk about these days. My mind isn’t craving to find new ideas for an article anymore. I still remember, thinking of at least 5 ideas for a post in just one day when I started this publication. It’s not the same anymore (such a good song btw!).

There’s a certain kind of energy within us that keeps us motivated for something or someone we love. But what happens when that energy fades into indifference? What happens when you start feeling like someone who was once your confidant and well wisher is no longer the same person? Yes. This is what I wanna talk about today. Growing out of people and even things you once loved. It doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye. Or can it? It doesn’t make you feel guilty. Or can it? You try to rekindle that bond. But can you? Is it just a temporary feeling that goes away? Is it permanent? And so many more questions.

I was thinking about this a lot today. It’s such a strange feeling. In the past, you feel a deep bond with someone and one day it just fades away without an explanation. Sometimes, there exists a reason and sometimes there exists nothing. But if we look deeper or try to look deeper, we can surely make up a reason about the rift. You can grow out of anyone. Your friends, family, and even yourself. When this happens, you just can’t pin point a concrete reason but also can’t deny this feeling. You start talking less to them, sharing less about yourself, asking less about them, don’t feel like picking up their call immediately, and feel like you’re getting bored while talking to them.

The most fascinating grow outs happen with those who were once your closest friends. You would do late night talking, share your deepest secrets, gossip about people you both know and just never feel alone with them. But one day, you start feeling that everything has changed. Suddenly, talking to them feels like a burden you wanna take off your chest. Their voice seems to anger you but you don’t know why. You start feeling like you’re wasting your time talking to them but still you talk. Why? Cause you feel like it’s a job. It feels like a duty to fulfill otherwise what would your ‘friend’ think of you?

Here’s the thing. You are fed up of your friend but can’t let them know that as well. You don’t want to talk to them but also can’t help but pick up their call. It’s a tug of war that goes on whenever you talk to them. Are you wrong about thinking of your friendship like this? Some might say yes, some might say no. I’d say no because we are free to feel anything we want. If we start feeling that we are no longer willing to talk to a person who was once our friend, then so be it. You don’t have to justify yourself or someone else in this matter.

But… there must be a reason for it right? Why is it that we just don’t feel like talking to a person anymore? Maybe, the way they talked to you changed. Maybe, you found someone else and decided to talk to them more instead of your ‘close friend’. Maybe, you got angry over something they did or said. Maybe, there’s no reason at all. And that’s absolutely fine. Hating someone for no reason is in itself such an interesting topic for debate because you can’t hate someone without a reason. Similarly, you can make up a reason in your mind about why you no longer want to talk to them. I did that in my case at least.

A few days ago, one of my best friends called me. For the very first time, I felt that we were not having a two way communication. They were just using me as dumping ground for their emotions, thoughts and feelings and couldn’t care less about what I think of all that. They might be a bit stressed or maybe they were not in a good mood that day, but the fact is, I felt hurt. A little bit cause I’m very good at not feeling grief and anxiety. Any advice I would give them, they’d consider it worthless.

This triggered me a bit. Not because they weren’t listening to me, but because they were talking to me just to let their frustration and fear out. Now listen. I’m all for giving emotional and moral support during these dire times but my support often deals with understanding the plight and giving advices accordingly. You just can’t brush them off saying, “Oh, you understand nothing! Just shut up!” No! That is not right. If you’re calling me to share what’s going on in your heart and mind then be ready for some of my words too. I’m not a wall, or just a non-living statue, or even a plant that will just listen to with no expressions, feelings, and opinions. Even ChatGPT answers you whenever you say something to it.

This entire incident has shaken the very foundation of our friendship and to be very honest, I do not want to rekindle anything anymore. If a string is broken by two, even a knot can’t seamlessly join it again. I’m not saying I don’t care for my friends or their feelings. I very much do, but when that friendship starts feeling like an elephant sitting on your head, it’s better to send that elephant off to a ride with some canes to chew on. Bad analogy right? I know. Guess what! analogies in friendship are even worse. Thankyou so much for reading. Feel free to comment about what all you feel about a silent friendship breakup.

Farewell.

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