Four Democratic lawmakers in the House of Representatives have drafted an amendment to a resolution to publicly denounce socialism and the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA). The authors list the failures of socialism in other nations and call the DSA’s ideology “incompatible with American values and the United States Constitution.”

The current ubiquity of Twitch streamer Hasan Piker in our political discourse means that Democrats sure are being asked to condemn a whole lot of things lately. So if they’re going to do that, here’s a statement I’d like to see them sign first:

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We, the undersigned Democratic Congressional Representatives of the United States of America, wholeheartedly condemn the militarization of ICE and the anti-immigration stormtroopers kidnapping and detaining people on the streets of American cities regardless of their immigration status.

We wholeheartedly condemn the reckless and spiteful repudiation of the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action and the destructive and ultimately pointless military exercise in Iran.

We wholeheartedly condemn the repeated obstruction of any and all attempts to deliver justice to the victims of Jeffrey Epstein and all of his accomplices in sex trafficking of children.

We wholeheartedly condemn the extrajudicial murder of Venezuelan refugees on fishing boats.

We wholeheartedly condemn the continued unconditional support of Israeli military forces without any consideration of human-rights violations toward the Palestinian people.

We wholeheartedly condemn the continued occupancy of the White House by a man who has demonstrated repeatedly over the last 10 years that he doesn’t understand how government works and doesn’t care.

We wholeheartedly condemn the current U.S. President abusing his power and acting as an authoritarian dictator.

We wholeheartedly condemn the cabinet selected entirely on the grounds of Willingness to Publicly Kiss the Current President’s Ass.

We wholeheartedly condemn the repeated federal attempts to interfere with mail-in voting and demand oversight of statewide elections.

We wholeheartedly condemn the deliberate sabotage of the certification of the 2020 election which led to multiple deaths, thousands of arrests, and has forever damaged the public’s trust in free and fair elections.

We wholeheartedly condemn the relentless stream of propaganda intended to demonize immigrants, racial minorities, and LGBT people as threats.

We wholeheartedly condemn the unilateral desecration of the Kennedy Center and the East Wing of the White House without Congressional approval.

We wholeheartedly condemn repeated threats against our allies such as Canada and Greenland by a greedy megalomaniac who wants to own everything.

We wholeheartedly condemn the 2024 Supreme Court ruling that created a vaguely-defined loophole that basically allowed Presidents to get away with commiting crimes while in office.

We wholeheartedly condemn the willingness of our elected Republican officials to relinquish all responsibility and integrity to the whims of one selfish, deceitful, narcissistic and genuinely unstable President.

We wholeheartedly condemn the violation of the 22nd Amendment of the Constitution and every person in the country who would help a President do this.

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Now that the 2026 midterm season is in full swing, we’ll soon be seeing more and more Republican candidates asked about their plans for the country during the second half of the current Trump Administration.

Spoiler alert: They’ve got nothing. They’re going to ignore virtually every question and immediately pivot to predigested talking points about the Democrats. Just imagine the kind of person that would willingly identify as a Republican at this point in history, and it all makes sense. Their only agenda for governing is “Do Whatever the Hell Trump Wants.” So here’s a summary of what they’re actually going to say:

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- The people of Iran once said “Death to America” so therefore whatever commitments we demand of our armed forces and whatever consequences that may ensue are entirely justified and make perfect sense

- The success of leftist and socialist candidates in multiple Democratic primaries indicate that the entirety of the Democratic Party has been overtaken by Red Communism

- Democrats’ failure to participate in our active and consistent persecution of immigrants means they really want open borders

- Democrats’ failure to participate in our active and consistent persecution of Muslims and leftists who speak out against Israel means that they are deeply anti-Semitic

- Democrats’ failure to participate in our active and consistent persecution of transgender people means that they want to see boys in girls’ sports and teachers transitioning children at school

- America has spent the last year and a half recovering from the lingering effects of the Biden Administration, in which we suffered from crippling inflation, stagnant growth and outright mockery from our allies and enemies

- Illegal immigrants are causing an unprecedented burden on the federal government and also driving up the prices of everything, including real estate for some reason

- As all schoolchildren know, the most important quality of any of our potential elected officials is their willingness to denounce Twitch streamer Hasan Piker on command

- Democrats hate meat and football! They are a party ruled by women and soy-boy beta males! Ha ha ha! I will not elaborate further at this time

- “America” has decided to attack Iran, rename Lake Ontario, and orchestrate a coup in Venezuela so if Democrats oppose these things then Democrats must hate “America”

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According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, Johns Hopkins University is having difficulty finding conservative scholars. University President Ronald J. Daniels is now concerned that “ideological imbalance is bad for the academy and for the country.”

For some reason, this problem just seems to keep happening!

Conservative Scholars Are Rare. Johns Hopkins Wants More of Them.

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TEN POSSIBLE REASONS JOHNS HOPKINS HAS BEEN HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE FINDING CONSERVATIVE SCHOLARS THESE DAYS

10. There appear to be relatively few peer-tested scientific reviews consistent with the conservative ideology that the Coronavirus was a a massive hoax inflicted by the Deep State on the American people to make Donald Trump look bad during an election year

9. People with excellent accomplishments in medical research and other academic bona fides are increasingly less likely to believe Donald Trump is right about everything and the liberal media is lying when they say otherwise

8. Thoughtful and well-read subject-matter experts who believe Donald Trump was vindicated by the Mueller Report, the Epstein Files AND the 2020 election are increasingly few and far between

7. Relatively few students of history still believe that the members of modern Republican Party are the true ideological heirs to the Party of Lincoln

6. Not too many applicants appear to be on board with the idea that academia is a hotbed of woke liberal subversive anti-American brainwashing

5. Most well-read scholars are highly skeptical of the claim that public school teachers are performing gender-transition surgery on students without their parents’ consent

4. The Board of Directors at Johns Hopkins remain unconvinced that octogenarians Tim Curry and Dolly Parton died of complications from the mRNA vaccines they received five years ago

3. Even the most rock-ribbed conservatives tend to give unsatisfactory answers to the philosophical question of whether Donald Trump could create a stone so heavy that he would not be able to lift it

2. Not much agreement from academics or intellectuals that the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution really only applies to pussy liberal cucks who don’t have the balls to run for a third term

1. Excellence in “sciences” and “humanities” somehow inconsistent with an ideology that no longer believes in either one

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👩🏻: We remember Clive Davis, age 94, who was the head of Arista Records and was in no way involved in the coverup of the Epstein Files

👨🏽‍🦱: We remember Peter Cullen, age 85, who voiced Optimus Prime in the Transformers franchise and never attempted to sabotage the certification of a Presidential election he lost

👱‍♀️: We remember Gene Shalit, age 100, a colorful and humorous film critic who was convicted of significantly fewer than 34 felonies

👨🏻‍💼: We remember Vincent Pastore, age 80, who played “Big Pussy” on The Sopranos and never knowingly kidnapped the President of Venezuela or his wife

👩🏻‍🦰: We remember Peabo Bryson, age 75, who sang iconic Disney songs like “A Whole New World” and “Beauty and the Beast” and did not propagate needless panic about transgender people playing women’s sports

🤵🏾‍♂️: We remember Bonnie Tyler, age 75, who sang the unforgettable “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and never once threatened to invade Greenland

👱‍♂️: We remember David Clayton-Thomas, age 84, the soulful lead vocalist of Blood Sweat and Tears who did not propose any legislation attempting to block Muslims from entering the United States

🧕🏼: We remember Hayden Panetierre, age 36, a beautiful and talented actress whose life was tragically cut short long before she could even attempt to extort Volodymyr Zelenskyy into giving up the goods on Hunter Biden

👩🏽‍🦱: We remember Tim Curry, age 80, the brilliant and iconic actor who originated Dr. Frank N. Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show and never once suggested demolishing the East Wing of the White House

👨🏻‍🦰: We remember Dolly Parton, age 80, the glorious performer and humanitarian who seemingly spent every waking moment making the world a better place and appeared utterly uninterested in sending armed militias into the streets of sanctuary cities to kidnap immigrants and send them back where they came from

👵🏻: Stay tuned for more obituaries as they transpire. (But, I wouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.)

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On Friday’s edition of HBO’s Real Tme, Bill Maher ended his rant about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence with the claim “A.I. can’t do MY job!”

Well, what if it tried?

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🤖: WELCOME TO REAL TIME WITH BILL_M_06385894. I AM AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE PROCESSING ENGINE SET TO “CRANKY REACTIONARY BOOMER.” NO MATTER WHAT THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS DOING TO THE COUNTRY, I AM POSITIVELY OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA THAT THE LEFT IS GOING TOO FAR.

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🤖: HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THOSE CRAZY DEMOCRATIC SOCIALISTS OF AMERICA? THEIR PLATFORM SAYS THEY WANT TO ABOLISH THE SENATE. ALSO, ONE OF THEIR SPOKESMEN SAID SOMETHING VERY STUPID ON CAMERA. FOR THESE REASONS, WE CAN NOW SAFELY DISCOUNT EVERYTHING THEIR CANDIDATES WANT TO DO TO TRY AND MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER.

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🤖: KIDS TODAY HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THE LESSON OF THE COLD WAR, WHICH IS THAT ANY GOVERNMENT ATTEMPT TO PROTECT THE PUBLIC FROM PREDATORY CAPITALISTS WILL END UP EXACTLY LIKE THE SOVIET UNION. THE COLD WAR IS WHY I STILL HAVE PTSD ABOUT WORDS LIKE “SOCIALISM,” “COMMUNISM,” AND “DRUG RAIDS AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION.”

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🤖: THE WOKE LEFT ONLY HATES ISRAEL BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY ANTI-SEMITES ON TIKTOK. THEY ARE CLEARLY DRIVEN BY NOTHING MORE THAN EMPTY SLOGANS THAT MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD, WHICH IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN THOSE OF US WHO STAND WITH ISRAEL NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO.

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🤖: THE POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE US THAT MUSLIMS ARE MONSTERS, ISRAEL IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND ANYONE WHO CRITICIZES THEM IS ANTISEMITIC BY DEFINITION. ALSO LIBERALS NOW HATE ME FOR SOME REASON.

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🤖: THE ONLY REASON THEY HATE ME IS BECAUSE THEY CANNOT TOLERATE A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW, WHICH IN MY CASE IS THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ARE HYPERSENSITIVE SNOWFLAKES WHO ARE TRIGGERED BY EVERYTHING AND USE WEIRD PRONOUNS AND WANT TO CANCEL LINCOLN.

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🤖: COLLEGE KIDS ARE SOFT AND WEAK AND DON’T WANT TO BE GRADED FOR THEIR ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM SAD. THEY ARE PUSSIES AND ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES AND NOT HAVING NEARLY ENOUGH SEX FOR MY LIKING.

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🤖: LIBERAL SCOLDS HAVE GONE OVERBOARD BY CRIMINALIZING SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN THE WORKPLACE. BUT THEY NEED TO REMEMBER THAT MALE CREEPS ARE SIMPLY AN UNAVOIDABLE FACT OF LIFE. THERE ARE MALE CREEPS EVERYWHERE, INCLUDING THIS TALK SHOW.

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🤖: THE DEMOCRATS ARE ALIENATING MODERATE VOTERS WITH THEIR CONSTANT CALLS TO DEFUND THE POLICE, OPEN THE BORDERS, AND GLOBALIZE THE INTIFADA. THIS IS EVERY BIT AS THREATENING AS THE MINDLESS REPUBLICAN FEALTY TO TRUMP’S OUTWARDLY CRIMINAL ADMINISTRATION, WHICH I HAVE RECENTLY DETERMINED IS NOT AS BAD AS THE LIBERALS THINK IT IS. IN ANY CASE, THERE NEEDS TO BE A PARTY IN THE MIDDLE TO ACCOMMODATE REASONABLE PEOPLE LIKE ME.

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🤖: GENERATION X HAS FAILED AT THEIR JOB OF RAISING CHILDREN, BECAUSE THEY NOW ARE GROWING UP TO SUPPORT COMMUNISM. THEY SHOULD BE RAISING CHILDREN TO BECOME BITTER AND CHILDLESS BACHELOR LIBERTINES WHO TAKE IT DEEPLY PERSONALLY WHEN PEOPLE IN THEIR AUDIENCE DO NOT LAUGH AT THEIR JOKES.

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🤖: NEEDLESS TO SAY, I NEVER BOTHERED TO RAISE ANY CHILDREN MYSELF. BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP ME FROM JUDGING THOSE WHO DO IT INCORRECTLY OR TAKING CHEAP SHOTS AT ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ FOR FREEZING HER EGGS.

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🤖: I’M BILL_M_06385894, AND I’D LIKE TO THANK MY GUESTS FOR SITTING NEXT TO ME WITH FORCED SMILES ON THEIR FACES AND NOT PUSHING BACK TOO HARD AGAINST ANY OF MY RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS.

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🤖: MY GUESTS NEXT WEEK WILL BE ANDREW SULLIVAN, BARI WEISS, AND ANY REACTIONARY CENTRISTS I CAN FIND WHO HATE THE WOKE MOB AS MUCH AS I DO. I WILL ALSO BE SPEAKING TO MAX BROOKS BECAUSE HE DOES NOT APPEAR TO HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

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🤖: STAY TUNED FOR “OVERTIME,” IN WHICH I RESPOND TO MY VIEWER MAIL, WHICH WILL BE CAREFULLY FILTERED TO EXCLUDE ANY AND ALL VARIATIONS OF THE QUESTION “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?”

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ARI FLEISCHER: The Democrats have reached an all-time low by implying that our morally courageous and upstanding President is cheating on his third wife who lives in a different state and very clearly hates him with the fire of a thousand suns

MEGYN KELLY: How dare the Democrats cast those kinds of sexist aspersions on a young woman who follows Donald Trump around wherever he goes and once even stowed away in the trunk of his car

SCOTT JENNINGS: Sure, the Democrats may say our President is a gleeful and unrepentant pussy-grabbing rapist who is not only making women’s lives harder but barely allows them to finish a sentence. But what Jon Ossoff said about Natalie Harp is clearly every bit as bad

TIM MURTAUGH: She’s a cancer survivor! YOU MONSTER! And Donald Trump personally donated the bone marrow himself!

MIKE COLLINS: It says a lot about this guy that he’s out there denigrating all women by implying that Donald Trump is traveling around the country with all women and is having an affair with all women

NEWT GINGRICH: I think Jon Ossoff should apologize for using such misogynist language to impugn the reputation of a President who is not Bill Clinton

DONALD TRUMP: Jon Ossoff? You mean Pee Wee Herman? That’s what I’m going to call him: “Pee Wee Herman.” I just thought of that. He’s just like Pee Wee Herman because he’s skinny and dorky and has a funny voice and also I stopped paying attention to pop culture 40 years ago

DAVIS INGLE: Ossoff is a cosplaying theater kid who is feminine and a lightweight and yes these are all clearly dog whistles intended to imply that he is a homosexual

STEVEN CHEUNG: Boy, what a LOSER! I sure wouldn’t trade places with that guy

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10. Explore the possiblity that their children are not sufficiently familiar with the myriad dangers of gender-transition surgery for minors

9. Help them understand that when their children get older and develop more worldly experience then they will develop the maturity to blindly defend everything that Donald Trump wants to do and/or blame these ridiculous rumors on the mainstream media

8. Explain how the globalists and the New York bankers and the George Soros media are responsible for the current wave of anti-Semitism on the Left

7. Reiterate that their children only hate a racist misogynist child-molesting insurrectionist pathological liar who attacks immigrants and ignores the Constitution and does whatever the hell he wants to the country because the media has brainwashed them into hating him

6. Help them understand that it is the price that Fox News viewers sometimes pay for being smarter and more well-informed than the people around them and also never shutting up about it

5. Encourage them to do everything in their power to ward their children away from the dangerous leftist forces that shot down Charlie Kirk for trying to speak the truth to young people

4. Reassure them that voting for young, idealistic progressives is just a “phase” their children will grow out of when they learn that nothing they say to the people who actually run things will ever change their minds about anything

3. Let them know that someday their children will recognize that both political parties are equally bad and therefore they should always vote for the one which promises to lower their taxes

2. Advise that they periodically check back in to see how their grandchildren are doing and make sure they haven’t been brainwashed by the rainbow-haired nonbinary anti-Semitic Communists who roam free in big cities and college campuses

1. After carefully exploring all of the factors that could have led to this state of affairs, conclude that their children are simply not open-minded enough to consider other points of view

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1. What’s the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever defended with a straight face

2. Do you have any compunction about blaming “leakers” in one breath and calling them liars in the next

3. What’s the absolute upper limit on how long you can realistically blame the current state of the economy on Joe Biden

4. Conquering Greenland: Yay or Nay?

5. Conquering Canada: Yay or Nay?

6. Nobel Peace Prize: Yay or Nay?

7. If the media asks you questions about the war in Iran, are you comfortable telling them that Trump is doing an excellent job of negotiating with the Iranian leadership and therefore we have no choice but to intensify our attacks

8. If the great state of South Dakota were to add a fifth President to Mt. Rushmore, who would it be and why is your answer “Donald Trump”

9. Can you explain how Trump’s new ballroom is a necessary measure of White House security without tipping anyone off to the fact that he’s basically just fortifying the bunker under the East Wing for when the shit goes down

10. Are you prepared to answer Gotcha questions like “Who won the 2020 election,” “Who’s on the Epstein list,” and “Will Trump step down after two terms as required by the 22nd Amendment of the Constitution?”

11. Are there any questions about Trump’s fitness for public office where you would be unable to immediately pivot to the subject of boys participating in girls’ sports

12. Is there any chance you could go any blonder

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WATTERS: Francesca Hong once said “Cancel Thanksgiving!”

MAHER: Sure, she deleted it, but the Internet never forgets!

INGRAHAM: We’ll make sure those words follow her to the grave!

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KILMEADE: Hasan Piker once said “America deserved 911!”

DOOCY: He’s Abdul El-Sayed’s BFF!

KILMEADE: Did your BFF ever say “America deserved 911”?

DOOCY: That sure sounds disqualifying to me!

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HANNITY: Darializa Avila Chevalier once said she wanted to abolish prisons!

GUTFELD: Sure, that has nothing to do with her Congressional campaign, but she said it!

INGRAHAM: AND she once wiped her hands on the American flag!

JENNINGS: How much of this madness are we expected to tolerate?

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HANNITY: Democrat Will Lawrence once posted that he wanted to defund the police!

GUTFELD: That statement right there is empirical proof that we are dealing with a certifiable looney-toons who is completely untethered to reality

JENNINGS: He says his views have changed, but does anyone believe him?

MAHER: Coming up next: Why is the Left so obsessed with Cancel Culture?

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👨🏻‍🦳: There is widespread opposition to Israel among educated and socially-conscious young people on college campuses, which can only be explained by radical anti-Semitism

🧑🏻: Young people are frivolous and unworldly and only hate Israel because TikTok keeps showing them all of the terrible things that the IDF is doing to Palestinian women and children but refuse to explain that it is a response to a terrorist attack that happened three years ago

👴🏽: The polls were predicting an El-Sayed blowout when in reality he just won by a couple of percentage points, so I guess those cocky leftists don’t know everything

👱: They were clearly seduced by Abdul El-Sayed’s matinee-idol good looks

👨🏻‍💼: Hasan Piker said America deserved 9/11 and Abdul campaigned with Hasan Piker and now Mike Rogers is running against Hasan Piker’s BFF and did I mention Hasan Piker

👷🏻‍♂️: It’s very trendy to support Hamas, which is my go-to shorthand for opposing Israel in any way, shape or form

👩🏻‍⚕️: Young people are either completely forgetting the lessons of the Holocaust or are remembering them a little more accurately than we’d like

👨🏻‍🦲: The Democrats have clearly fallen into our trap, as Michigan voters will surely be horrified by a candidate who has proposed radical ideas that are extremely popular with a majority of his Party’s base

👨🏻‍🦰: Our young people should remember the cautionary example of the Soviet Union and actively ignore the numerous examples of modern countries that have successfully nationalized healthcare for their citizens

👵🏻: Apparently, it’s no longer considered “woke” to send money to Israel no matter what they do

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R: Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong wants to cancel Thanksgiving!

D: That was from an old social media post that was never part of her campaign. She will not actually try to do this

R: I knew you couldn’t trust the DSA

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R: Abdul El-Sayed wants to stop sending money to Israel! That means he hates Jews

D: There actually are other reasons to oppose Israel

R: But he also frequently relies on anti-Semitic dog whistles like “Stop sending money to Israel”

D: I don’t think that’s a dog whistle

R: Surely the concentration camps are next

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R: New York Mayor Zorhan Mamdani is opening government grocery stores that will require ID to shop there!

D: They’re not actually going to require ID

R: This will surely lead to government food rations like Soviet Russia

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R: The DSA wants to abolish the Senate! It’s in the party platform!

D: Has a single DSA candidate actually proposed doing this

R: It doesn’t matter

D: Maybe you should listen to what the candidates are saying they want to do

R: Party platform, final answer

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CBS: The Democrats are quickly becoming Red Communists who want to destroy Thanksgiving, abolish the Senate, put the government in charge of food rations and send the Jews to concentration camps

WEISS: I’m Bari Weiss, and I approve this message

DEMS: None of that is actually happening

WEISS: Remember, I used to be liberal

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FIVE POPULAR ASSUMPTIONS THAT ARE NOT NECESSARILY TRUE

1. The default value of “electable” is “centrist.”

2. The default value of “independent voter” is “centrist.”

3. “Democrats are the left-wing party, Republicans are the right-wing party, and everyone else is in the middle.”

4. “Centrists do not alienate anybody, except for some spoilsports on the far left who obviously don’t count.”

5. “Leftist voters can be taken for granted, because when faced with a binary choice they’ll pick the Democrats.”

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- On the eve of the 2026 Michigan Senate primary, there appears to be a LOT more enthusiasm for Abdul El-Sayed than for Haley Stevens. Why wouldn’t this enthusiasm carry over to the general? Is it that much harder to convince centrists than leftists to Vote Blue No Matter Who?

- Leftists (particularly those who oppose Israel) are used to being ignored, but they’re getting tired of it. Many of them do hold their nose & vote for centrists, but mainstream Democrats have long dismissed their concerns.

- Nevertheless, the pro-Palestine contingency exists. They can either vote for candidates they like in the Democratic primary, or find candidates in alternative parties who very likely have no chance of winning.

- Opposition to Israel is usually not motivated by hatred of Jews. It feels ridiculous to keep saying that, but there are people who refuse to believe this no matter how many times they hear it. Sadly, many of them are Democrats. (They tend to be older and more centrist.)

- “People Are Worried.” That’s the most common argument against El-Sayed. Sadly, there does not appear to be a definitive refutation of “People Are Worried.” Regrettably, many news outlets launder suspicions of Muslims and/or socialists through the premise of “People Are Worried.”

- If the Democrats collectively believed that Haley Stevens would be a stronger candidate to face off against Mike Rogers, that would play out in the primary. If the polls are true, that does not appear to be the case.

- I say the same thing to supporters of both candidates: Make your case, but respect the winner. (After this primary, I sincerely hope that is possible.)

- This is basically a tautology, but it’s true: the candidate who wins the most votes in the primary really does have the better chance to win the general election.

- There are a whole lot of voters unhappy with what the Trump administration is doing, and any Democrat who convincingly opposes his lackeys in the GOP should at the very least have a fighting chance of winning their votes.

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FAUCI: Hello, I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. I was once part of the White House Coronavirus Task Force

MAMDANI: I’m first-term New York City Mayor Zorhan Mamdani

MS. RACHEL: I’m children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel

MULVANEY: And I’m YouTube personality Dylan Mulvaney

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FAUCI: While we appear to share very little in common, we all drive MAGA supporters into paroxysms of feral rage despite being decent and mild-mannered people by any reasonable standard

MULVANEY: To demonstrate, we will now show you footage of South Carolina Senator Nancy Mace, moments after she was unsuspectingly led into a single room with all four of us

MACE: AIIIIIIGHHH!!!!!! (foams at mouth)

MS. RACHEL: Wow

FAUCI: Sad, really

MACE: (drops to floor in catatonic state)

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MAMDANI: Well, the 2026 midterms are coming up, and you’re probably going to be hearing a lot about us over the next few months

MULVANEY: Now, none of us are actually on the ballot

FAUCI: But in a way, we kind of are

MS. RACHEL: You see, with a Republican President in office, his fellow GOP candidates might want to revel in his glory and bask in his recent accomplishments

MULVANEY: Unfortunately, they really can’t do that

FAUCI: So they’re going to have to talk about something else

MAMDANI: Things that make their base really really angry

FAUCI: Things that motivate them to vote

MULVANEY: That question being: what is their base truly angry about?

MS. RACHEL: And I think we all know!

FAUCI: COVID lockdowns

MULVANEY: Trans people

MAMDANI: Socialists

MS. RACHEL: Palestinians

MAMDANI: Which is why they’re probably going to spend far more time talking about us than talking about their actual candidates

MULVANEY: I guess those dog whistles aren’t going to blow themselves

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MS. RACHEL: But what is it about us that they see as such a threat?

FAUCI: Six years ago, I made recommendations for how to survive a worldwide pandemic that many conservatives found unforgivably inconvenient

MAMDANI: I am a Muslim and a Democratic socialist from Uganda who was elected mayor of New York City

MS. RACHEL: I believe that the killing of Palestinian children is wrong

MULVANEY: I exist

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MAMDANI: So now that we all have figurative targets on our backs, the GOP can put that to good use during the midterms

FAUCI: They will use our names and faces to constantly reinforce the message that Democrats pose a threat to them and their children

MULVANEY: And that helps them elect more Republicans!

MAMDANI: Republicans are going to keep running for office for the foreseeable future, and it’s not as if any of them are going to have any actual accomplishments to run on

ALL: (hearty yet ironic laugh)

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FAUCI: We’re proof that the Republican base can be taught to hate pretty much anybody

MS. RACHEL: And who knows? You may be next

MULVANEY: It’d make about as much sense

MAMDANI: So let’s keep our eyes on the ball, and focus on the people running for office and what their plans are for the country

FAUCI: Try not to be distracted by panic and fearmongering

MS. RACHEL: And let those dog whistles just go blow themselves!

MULANEY:

FAUCI:

MAMDANI:

MS. RACHEL: Wait, that isn’t what I meant

FAUCI: Don’t worry about it

MS. RACHEL: Can I do that part again?

MAMDANI: No

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ANNOUNCER: PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO EXPLAIN WHY REPUBLICANS ARE DRIVEN TO PAROXYSMS OF FERAL RAGE BY INNOCUOUS AND REASONABLE PEOPLE

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Welcome to life in 2026, where the lion’s share of what passes for political discourse consists of Explaining Extremely Obvious Things to People Who Refuse to Listen:

- When people ask “Why isn’t the media talking more about this Objectively Terrible Thing?” what that usually means is “Why isn’t anybody doing anything about this Objectively Terrible Thing?” These are not the same problem. Nor is there necessarily even a correlation.

- “Vote Blue No Matter Who” is a statement made by Democratic pragmatists urging voters to support Democratic nominees, who are usually centrist. But not all centrist Democrats said “Vote Blue No Matter Who”, or even believed it.‬

- The pragmatists are the ones who advise continuing to Vote Blue when leftists are the nominees, because any Democrat would be an improvement over any Republican.‬

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- The #MeToo movement originated to highlight the prevalence of sexual assault. “Believe women” was coined to combat the widespread dismissal of women who were raped by powerful or well-connected men who were overwhelmingly given the benefit of the doubt.

- Women who come forward to make these claims must overcome overwhelming social pressure to stay silent, and should be taken seriously. But that does not mean that all of them are necessarily telling the truth.

- “Believe ALL women” was never a sincere summation of the #MeToo movement; it’s used exclusively by opponents to sarcastically suggest hypocrisy. (It’s similar to the use of “Islam is the religion of peace” after a terrorist atttack.)

- (There was a different hashtag on Twitter known as #YesAllWomen that suggested that all women have been sexually harassed or assaulted at some point in their lives. Again, that was never intended to mean that all accusations leveled at men were necessarily true.)

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- When MAGA goons say “Michelle Obama is really a man,” it is based on longstanding stereotypes from the slave trade in which black women were presumed to be less “feminine” than white women. It is a racist thing to say, regardless of whether the speaker truly believes it or whether he is just “trolling” Democrats to make them angry.

- The Democrats are not embracing Marjorie Taylor Greene, Tucker Carlson OR the Texas crackpot who wants to throw Zionists into concentration camps. The former two are right-wing extremists who have recently raised valid points about Donald Trump. The latter is running for Congress as a Democrat, but literally anyone can do that.

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- Fox News promotes WNBA player Caitlin Clark for the exact same reason they promote Riley Gaines: to promote their agenda. And their only interest in female athletes extends to presenting white women as victims of the thuggish “Woke Mob,” personified either by black people (in the case of Caitlin Clark) or by trans people (in the case of Riley Gaines).

- The Heritage Foundation recently called for the dismantling of Title IX in an effort to suppress female athletics. This emphatically undermines the longstanding conservative contention that discrimination against transgender people is motivated in any way by “protecting women’s sports.”

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- A reminder: the reason Dr. Anthony Fauci is a target of the Republican Party is because Donald Trump did everything in his power to downplay the severity of COVID-19, and Dr. Fauci told him “No.” So Dr. Fauci became their scapegoat for the masks, the lockdowns, and the vaccines.

- There is no good reason for Dr. Fauci to be dragged into a Senate hearing about the origins of COVID-19. It is only happening because the Republican Party is reviving old grievances about COVID-19 safety precautions to distract from Trump’s disastrous second term.

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- “Iran started this war 47 years ago” is a MAGA talking point which clumsily attempts to tie our recent attack on Iran to the 1979 hostage crisis. It completely disregards the Algiers Accords & the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA), aka the 2015 nuclear treaty that Obama negotiated with Iran & Trump destroyed out of spite.

- Donald Trump has no diplomatic skills and no strategy in Iran. He does not have the slightest idea what a resolution would look like. Nothing he says about the conflict is in any way reliable. And he does not command the slightest bit of respect from our allies or our enemies.

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10. Admitted that there were multiple conflicting theories about the origin of the Coronavirus, and that the American people were right to do absolutely nothing about it until they knew precisely which country to blame

9. Praised Donald Trump for signing the bill “Operation Warp Speed” to expedite development of the COVID vaccine and then wondered if there was another bill Trump could have signed that would have convinced his supporters to actually take it

8. While he was flattered by the increased media attention, he had to politely yet firmly decline People Magazine’s honor “The Sexiest Man Who Is Trying to Keep You Alive”

7. Acknowledged that convincing everyone to wear masks when they really didn’t need to would have been a perfect gateway to nationwide subservience and easily destroyed the independent spirit of the American people if only he were not thwarted by the valiant efforts of free thinkers who did their own research

6. Lamented how he had become the scapegoat for the COVID shutdowns, the mask requirements, and the “male loneliness” epidemic that made women reluctant to date hostile shut-ins with questionable hygiene and underdeveloped social skills

5. Acknowledged that his job was easier when he worked for presidents who listened to his advice, generally respected the scientific method and were not bugfuck lunatics who refused to accept responsibility for anything

4. Dismissed even the possibility that the recommendations of the CDC would somehow be weaponized for any kind of partisan political purposes

3. Had been actively brainstorming a completely different hoax to make Trump look bad and suppress turnout on Election Day when he was interrupted by news of the COVID-19 strain of the Coronavirus coming in from China

2. At his advanced age, credits his physical and mental health to a combination of diet, exercise, and a healthy dose of adrenochrome harvested from torture victims that is only accessible to a secret cabal of Hollywood and Washington elites

1. Suspected that if he were to successfully prove his innocence to his Republican critics, the quantity of water ingested would have a disastrous effect on his lungs

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10. Scrooge’s parents were murdered by legendary Victorian supervillain Sweeney Todd on the way home from an evening at the theater

9. The children at boarding school would taunt him with cruel if pointless nicknames like “Lemon-Squeezer Ebenezer”

8. His attempts to woo a young maiden by the name of Constantine Worthington were rebuffed due to his lack of financial stability

7. When setting out to defend his fledging business from a pending takeover by his corporate rivals, will coin the catchphrase “IT’S SCROOGIN’ TIME!”

6. Scrooge’s ill-advised attempt to direct the neighborhood Christmas pageant leads to disaster until a wise and spiritual little boy quotes The Gospel of Luke and wraps his security blanket around the disappointing Christmas tree

5. The narrative will grind to a halt during the anachronistic and unnecessarily-detailed lawsuit where Scrooge’s former fiancée Belle accuses him of violent behavior and Scrooge sues her for defamation

4. Since Scrooge does not own a calendar, he can only learn the current date by opening the window and asking random passerby what day it is

3. His first employer, Mr. Fezziwig, treated Scrooge kindly until the two of them reached an irreconcilable disagreement over the economic practicality of international tariffs

2. Apparently, Scrooge was driven insane by something he called the Woke Mind Virus

1. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come will show up early enough to show Scrooge the exact same things that the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present were going to show him later, and then Scrooge will say “Great, not only have you told me everything already, but it makes no sense that I’d be experiencing it again as an elderly man,” and the ghost will grudgingly acknowledge the limitation inherent in prequels that the character cannot evolve beyond the starting point of the original work, but if they don’t evolve at all over the course of the prequel then there’s no real point in watching it to begin with, so Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come shake hands and solemnly agree to never speak of this again

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👨‍💼: A survey of people who somehow describe themselves as “swing voters” in the Year of Our Lord 2026 indicates that they believe Democrats are too liberal

👩🏻‍💼: If Democrats want to win elections, It is up to them to persuade these people that they are not!

👨‍💼: So here are some helpful hints to earn the trust of these easily-distracted Americans with puddle-deep convictions:

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👩🏻‍💼: The American people were deeply concerned about “open borders” in 2024, and apparently the only remedy for this was to turn ICE into an occupying military force with carte blanche to apprehend, arrest, and even murder anyone who looks suspicious

👨‍💼: So be sure not to alienate voters by saying anything overly critical of ICE

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👩🏻‍💼: The DSA may seem popular in liberal enclaves like New York City, but rest assured that unaffiliated voters find socialism to be threatening and terrifying

👨‍💼: So it’s best to avoid class warfare

👩🏻‍💼: You should steer clear of broadsides against the system that allows billionaire oligarchs like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to basically invent their own rules

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👨‍💼: If there is one thing that turns off potential allies, it is the left-wing fixation on All Things Woke. Democrats should stop their obsession with language policing and insistence that we say “unhoused” instead of “homeless”

👩🏻‍💼: Yeah! Stop doing that, Democrats!

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👨‍💼: Also, stop constantly saying “pregnant people” and “people who menstruate”. People HATE when Democrats do this!

👩🏻‍💼: They’d be perfectly fine with trans people just living their lives without constantly bothering them about pronouns and gender identity

👨‍💼: Democrats should definitely stop their relentless and singleminded focus on letting men in women’s restrooms and allowing boys to play girls’ sports

👩🏻‍💼: And swing voters are extremely alienated by the backlash against beloved children’s author J.K. Rowling

👨‍💼: So the safest thing to do is just be very, very quiet about anything to do with trans people

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👩🏻‍💼: We need to make it very clear that while criticism of Israel is perfectly acceptable, we must absolutely steer clear of anything resembling anti-Semitism

👨‍💼: Please note that the current working definition of “anti-Semitism” includes any acknowledgment of AIPAC spending money, any use of the word “genocide”, any suggestion that Netanyahu was manipulating Trump, and literally any criticism of Israel at all

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👩🏻‍💼: Some people think “What do swing voters want?” is basically a Rorschach Test

👨‍💼: And if some people think it, then that’s good enough for us!

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ANNOUNCER: PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO GIVE FICKLE AND SUPERFICIAL VOTERS WHAT WE THINK THEY WANT DESPITE WILDLY UNRELIABLE POLLING DATA

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👩🏻‍💼: Where do we stand on violations of Poe’s Law?

👨‍💼: I don’t know, I haven’t read “The Raven” in years

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Just to get you up to speed, I’m a Jewish Michigan resident who votes Blue No Matter Who and is appalled by the current behavior of the Israeli government. I had also been planning on voting for Mallory McMorrow in the Democratic Senate primary. But that is no longer an option. So now the choice is between Representative Haley Stevens and Dr. Abdul El-Sayed.

I campaigned for Rep. Stevens when she ran for the House. And I met Dr. El-Sayed once at an anti-Trump protest. He was smart and knowledgeable; I liked him a lot.

Stevens has nearly eight years of experience in the House of Representatives. That is the kind of résumé you want for somebody considering the Senate. She’s a traditional normie Democrat.

Haley Stevens is enthusiastic but can come across as kind of cringeworthy. She’s like Tracy Flick in ELECTION. That kind of thing can alienate the younger people who don’t exactly connect with normie Democrats, but you can tell she’s a hard worker.

Many of her accomplishments are strong. She was the head of the U.S. Auto Rescue Task force, which was instrumental in returning auto industry jobs to the state of Michigan.

Some of her accomplishments are not so strong. While she has supported bills demanding accountability for ICE agents, she has also supported increases in ICE funding under the guise of “combating organized retail crime.” Meanwhile, El-Sayed makes no bones about his desire to just completely abolish ICE.

And yes, Haley Stevens does accept donations from AIPAC, which suggests that she will be unable to view Israel’s actions through a truly objective lens. Netanyahu’s response to the 2023 Hamas attacks has horrified the international community, and makes unconditional support of Israel a far more toxic platform than it was before. (To be fair, Stevens has publicly criticized Netanyahu. But without support of any substantive change in US policy, it is effectively meaningless.)

I reject any accusations that criticism of Israel or AIPAC is tantamount to anti-Semitism. But that doesn’t mean El-Sayed is entirely justified in blaming AIPAC for current poll numbers. This was a three-way race until very recently, and it’s not unreasonable that many McMorrow supporters would end up in the Stevens camp.

El-Sayed lacks legislative experience, but advocates ideas that resonate with a broad stretch of voters, inside and outside Michigan. He is hoping to stop of the Trump administration’s authoritarian takeover of legislative districting and the Supreme Court. And, as much as it seems a fool’s errand to try, he wants to eliminate the influence of corporate money (particularly SuperPACs) in elections.

And no, despite their recent campaign appearances together, a vote for El-Sayed is not a vote for Hasan Piker. That’s as absurd as the presumption that Kamala Harris was going to govern like Liz Cheney if she were elected in 2024.

Michigan is not New York. We’re a purple state that voted for Trump twice. There are still more centrists here than there are leftists.

Then again, there are plenty of leftists here who are tired of being screwed over by the entrenched political system. They are particularly tired of their concerns about Israel repeatedly being ignored. Those who sat out the 2024 election might well behave the same way in the 2026 midterms if they feel their views are not represented by either candidate.

El-Sayed is the choice of the activists; Stevens is the choice of the Democratic establishment.

We need Democrats in the Senate. More importantly, we need Democrats who are willing to stop the tide of MAGA authoritarianism.

We need Democrats who are willing to say “enough is enough.” We are past the point of compromise.

We need Democrats who understand what the current moment requires of them. For that reason, my primary vote will go to Abdul El-Sayed.

But should Haley Stevens win the primary, she will have my full-throated endorsement for the general Senate election against Republican Mike Rogers.

I urge my fellow Democrats and progressives to Vote Blue No Matter Who, regardless of which side of the fence they may fall.

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👨🏻‍💼: Good evening. Tonight, the World’s Most Shameless Liar informed the country that there was indeed fraud which suggests that he truly won the 2020 Presidential election

👱‍♀️: The World’s Most Shameless Liar also claimed that the elections of Georgia’s two Democratic Senators were illegitimate and should be revoked

🤵🏾‍♂️: The World’s Most Shameless Liar demanded that Congress recognize his victory and do everything in their power to prevent further election fraud

👨‍💼: The World’s Most Shameless Liar urged Congress to pass the SAVE Act, the sole purpose of which is to prevent illegal migrants from voting

🧕🏼: He also proclaimed that the 2026 midterms would be closely monitored by the World’s Most Shameless Liar

👩🏽‍🦱: Furthermore, the World’s Most Shameless Liar said we should not rule out granting him a third Presidential term to make up for this grievous error

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👩🏻‍🦰: The World’s Most Shameless Liar also praised the success of ICE agents in their mission to apprehend and arrest the country’s most dangerous criminals

🧑🏽‍💼: The World’s Most Shameless Liar insisted that he was the most beloved President in all of American history

👨‍✈️: The World’s Most Shameless Liar blamed vandals for all of the algae in the reflecting pool by the Washington monument

👨🏽‍🦱: The World’s Most Shameless Liar claimed that people everywhere were telling him what a great idea it was for him to build a giant ballroom in the East Wing of the White House

👩🏽: The World’s Most Shameless Liar spoke very highly of the military’s success in reopening the Strait of Hormuz

👨🏻‍🦰: The World’s Most Shameless Liar also spoke very sternly to Iranian leaders, threatening lethal consequences if they refuse to reopen the Strait of Hormuz

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👴🏽: The World’s Most Shameless Liar spent an inordinate amount of time demanding that the press give him more credit for his myriad successes

🧑🏻: The World’s Most Shameless Liar insisted that everything bad we hear about him was the fault of the Democrats and the vengeful media

👨🏿‍💼: White House press flacks dutifully defended the outrageous statements of the World’s Most Shameless Liar

👩🏻‍🎤: They glibly and breezily scolded the media for their obsession with fact-checking the World’s Most Shameless Liar

🧔: Commentators on Fox News helpfully reminded viewers that Barack Obama and Joe Biden were not always truthful with the American public

💁🏻‍♀️: Which clearly means that Democrats have no leg to stand on when they criticize the World’s Most Shameless Liar

- - - - - - - -

When Trump and his minions speak, they are doing more than simply lying to us. They are creating a narrative for their followers to dutifully repeat. And the mainstream media does us no favors when they repeat these narratives uncritically.

I know that most media outlets are reluctant to use the word “lying,” because that opens them up to legal liability. And that is because it is virtually impossible to prove that a speaker is knowingly telling a lie.

But as the Trump Administration becomes increasingly bold with their lies, I think that the media should normalize frequent and immediate use of the phrase “which obviously is not true.”

Some examples:

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CNN: Donald Trump announced that he has uncovered new evidence that proves he really won the 2020 election, which obviously is not true

NYT: Donald Trump has also announced that the elections of Georgia Senators Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock were illegitimate due to fraud, which obviously is not true

AP: Speaker Mike Johnson claims that the invasion of Iran was a necessary resolution to a 47-year conflict with Iran, which obviously is not true

NBC: Sen. Roger Marshall insisted that the U.S. has succeeded in their goal of “defanging Iran,” which obviously is not true

AXIOS: Donald Trump said plans were under way to reopen the Strait of Hormuz, which obviously is not true

MSNOW: Donald Trump said that the U.S. would be collecting tolls valued at 20% of all cargo passing through the Strait of Hormuz, which obviously is not true

ABC: JD Vance said that gas prices have gone down in most parts of the country, which obviously is not true

CNN: Donald Trump said that the Democratic Party now supports Communism, which obviously is not true

WSJ: Donald Trump said that the reflecting pool on the National Mall was destroyed by Antifa vandals, which obviously is not true

ABC: Maine Senator Angus King said that ICE agents only shot a 26-year-old Colombian man because he had been trying to run them over with his car, which obviously is not true

NYT: Donald Trump said the SAVE Act would prevent non-citizens from voting, which obviously is not true

AP: Republican and Democratic elected officials eulogized the late Senator Lindsey Graham as a decent and principled man who honorably served his country, which obviously is not true

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