We have a weekly task that can feel impossible (thank God for the Holy Spirit). But how do we possibly speak well to such a wide variety of people? I have 2 thoughts.

#1. Diversity in the pulpit.

Your flock needs to hear other voices than yours. You are you…and while God called you…they need to hear from more than just you. They need to see and hear preaching from different ages, ethnicities, experiences, educational levels, socioeconomic status, level of biblical knowledge, church backgrounds, denominational roots, political persuasions, and opinions about everything in life, culture, and the church (see what I did there). Every 4-6 weeks, we are intentional about doing that. In the weeks which I preach, which are most of them (40-42 Sundays a year), I work as much as I can to provide diversity as well. For example, I’m tempted to tell stories that only make sense to my generation. Not everybody knows who Andy Griffith is (though the world would be better if they did…my opinion). Not everyone appreciates stories of the Sony walkman or discman (the good ole’ days). That means that I have to spend time trying to ensure that I’m not leaving people out of the loop when I only preach to people who see the world the same way I do, because there are people who don’t see it the way I do. That means reading lots of different kinds of commentaries (there are different kinds) and materials during sermon preparation, learning about what’s going on in culture right now, assessing the diversity in the flock, and also preaching to the people we want to be in the flock and not just the ones already there.

#2. Learn to preach to the faith “ful” and the faith “less.”

Every week you have 2 groups of people already in your church. People who are already following Jesus (and have for years) and those who don’t know him or anything about him. Be careful not to crowd out the latter by always using advanced terms and/or acronyms, speaking “Christianese,” and making assumptions that everyone in the room knows a great deal about the Bible, the church, and the scriptures you’re sharing. They don’t. In fact, you’re preaching to a lot of people that research suggests know very little about the Bible. Some of them haven’t read it since last week when you told them to open it up to wherever you preached from. They haven’t lived in the Bible all week like you have. They haven’t read the commentaries and materials that you have. They don’t have the background knowledge required to access it to the level you have accessed it. We assume that the average person who is following Jesus knows more than they do. That’s not a jab…that’s a reality. Those who show up who don’t know Jesus yet, know even less than the ones who are already there (and they’ll admit it).

Every week you’re preaching to those already in the game and those wondering or deciding if they’ll ever be in it. Does your preaching make room for and make sense to those who didn’t grow up in the church? Can someone who has never been to church before relate to the message you’re sharing? If you speak in “King James” when you preach, use words to try to impress the saints, and communicate only the deepest and most profound truths, I don’t think they can (my opinion). Sometimes I wonder in our efforts to sound holy and well-schooled, if we don’t lock out those who need the hope of Jesus the most. I think they need the depths and the riches of the entire story of God, and the Holy Spirit will help, but they also need it put in as simple terms as possible (if you want them to understand it). I think we have to work to ensure that each message speaks to the saved AND the unsaved. That’s not always easy…but I think it is possible…and fruitful.

Bottom line is this. Your flock needs you…and they need you to be you…but they need more than just you.

I think about preaching in mostly very simple terms and stories. Imagine you are responsible for leading a group of people from point A to point B. Ideally, you want to take them from A to B without having to dodge debris, backtrack after taking a turn that was a dead end road, and especially avoid the risk of them getting off the wagon altogether thinking “I’m not sure this ride is going to get me there.” While I don’t think good preaching has to be 20 minutes at a time, most of the time, good preaching isn’t 50 minutes long (in my opinion) and let me tell you why.

My goal is to say 1 thing and say it really well. I want to be clear, but I also want to be concise. That means preaching from a bottom line. Some people call it a “trunk” statement. Meaning, at the root of this sermon, what do I believe God wants me to say? Good preaching can sum up the entire message in a short and powerful sentence. If I can’t do that, I might be saying too much.

Good preaching has a trunk statement, as well as branches that support it (trunks actually support the branches, but you get the idea). Sometimes, we don’t just have a trunk and branches, we have dead sticks that have fallen off the tree (thank you Kevin Myers). They are no longer connected to the trunk. Disconnected branches aren’t helpful to the thing I’m trying to say. My generation called dead branches “chasing rabbits.” Remember that A to B conversation? Chasing rabbits means leaving the path from A to B to go on another chase. Chasing rabbits may leave you having to back out of a dead end path that doesn’t lead anywhere, especially to the destination at point B.

Some of the best work in sermon writing is deciding which branches aren’t connected and throwing them in the pile beside the trunk and living branches. They may be useful for something later, but they’re not helpful in furthering the point. This can be a hard exercise, because we really like some of these dead branches…they’re the ones that make us look so smart and well-studied.

Sure the Holy Spirit speaks through every word (thanks be to God), even things I never thought about saying or communicating, but if I preach upwards of an hour, I have to be honest with myself, most people stopped listening somewhere along the way. They may be sitting there, looking my way, and nodding, but their mind is somewhere else. They don’t do it on purpose, it’s science. Most of them can’t help it (which is why there is also a school of thought on how many verses you read at one time…some say 12 is the magic number).

Bob Russell (a mentor of mine) says there is a formula for how long to preach. He says, on a scale of 1-10 (how good of a preacher you are) to rate yourself with a number. Here’s the formula: (x [this is that 1-10 number] – 2) x 5 = how long you should preach. Even if you’re a 10…40 minutes is about as long as anyone should ever preach (that’s what he says).

So…I work to make the path from point A to point B as clear and straight as I can possibly make it, without debris, and without taking dead end side roads that don’t advance closer to the point. Most of the time that leaves me preaching 25-30 minutes (sometimes 35). For me to preach longer may suggest a hint of arrogance (thinking that everybody will want to listen to “me” since I’m so good [sarcasm]) and will also lead to those “after church conversations” when someone asks “what did the preacher preach about today” and someone answers with, “I don’t know…a little bit of everything.”

You can say everything…and still say nothing.

I want to say something…and do my best to say it well.

Today, I’ll share a model I use very often. I have found it to be a good one to reach a vast number of people (for various reasons that I’ll explain).

It came from a mentor of mine…a retired pastor named Jon Carnes (Jon-if I get rich from this I’ll share the profits lol).

This is called THINK-FEEL-DO. Let me explain.

Every message I preach I intend to give the church something to “think” about, something to “feel” or experience, and call them to action in some way (something to “do”). I have found that if I can answer these 3 questions, the message typically resonates with a large variety of people and lands with the majority of people.

THINK.

Many times this portion happens with the text itself. There are 3 worlds to explore when it comes to the scriptures. The world behind the text, the world within the text, and the world in front of the text. Most people have never explored the world behind the text (or the world within it…which is the literary style, genre, etc). After a careful study of commentaries and sources throughout the week, I have typically found “nuggets” of wisdom and learning that I didn’t know before that make the text come alive. Most people in the pews haven’t done a careful study of the text to the same degree. When you start to explain the depth and meaning of some of the pieces of the text and what it would’ve meant to the people in a different context, it is fascinating. We read the Bible through American eyes (experiences, culture, understanding, etc.), we can’t help it. There are things we miss about what a text would’ve meant to the people it was written to (the Bible was written FOR you but it wasn’t originally written TO you). When the audience learns, for example, that in the story of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18, that each of the 10,000 bags of gold that he owes is worth 20 years worth of work (a total of 200,000 years of work he owes to the master) it makes an even bigger point than they initially considered. Contrasted with the other servant who owes 100 silver coins (100 days of work), what seemed like sort of a big deal before now makes a massively compelling point. They are thinking, “there’s no way he could’ve ever paid that off.” Exactly. That’s what you want them to “think,” because that’s the point.

FEEL.

We are emotional beings. There is no way to detach them from our identity. Being created in the image of God, I don’t think we are supposed to. I have noticed that this is the biggest missing piece from many sermons that don’t land, and perhaps the most important piece in ones that do. Can your audience get through the entire message without “feeling” any part of it? I try not to preach in a way that gives room for that. I want them to “feel” the message. Most times this happens through stories. Stories put flesh on the bones. Blood, sweat, tears, names, and experiences have ways of making a message come alive. Being able to make connections that help people experience the text and connect with the word in powerful ways will multiply the impact of the sermon and how long it lives with them and in them.

DO.

The purpose of preaching is life transformation. God does that through the power of the Holy Spirit (we don’t), but you have to challenge them and call them to action. A good message that is full of information and great stories doesn’t change anything for anyone unless there is a clear and courageous call to action. They have to know what they are to “do” with what you’ve shared with them. In our tribe, this is commonly an altar call. That is a great tool, but it’s not the only one. Call them to reflect, to change a habit, to offer forgiveness to someone, to more and specific prayer, confession to a trusted friend…the list goes on and on. But be clear and be bold. Call them to something. And don’t call them in a “sheepish” (no pun intended) way. Be clear and direct about what they are to “do” with the message. They need to be confronted in a way that is challenging enough to call them into life transformation, which may require them doing something they’re not that comfortable doing.

Many of my messages are built around this model. Any message, when I get to the end of the writing process, if I can’t answer these 3 questions (Did I help them think? Feel? Call them to “do”?), I revise to ensure that it does.

PS-If you’ve been reading my substack, you’ll remember the HEAD-HEART-HANDS post. This model connects tightly to that same concept (Think-Head, Feel-Heart, Do-Hands) which is one reason why I think it resonates so well with most people because it touches the thinkers, the feelers, and the doers.

1. Love Hard

Loving hard means doing everything I can to love others in a way that leaves no questions. I believe in telling others how I feel about them and “showing up” as much as possible in their lives (sometimes you won’t know to show up…though). Loving hard means recognizing birthdays, anniversaries, special days/events, celebrating with them all of life’s accomplishments and joys, and it also means sitting with them in pain and sorrows…giving yourself away to them in moments or even seasons where you don’t have enough words or love to “fix” it. There will always be those who say you’re “too much” and ironically, there will always be those who say you haven’t loved them “well enough.” People have different expectations and opinions of what love ought to look like. You’ll meet the expectations of some, but not all. I think you have to learn to live with that because if you try to be all things to all people, you will burn yourself out and likely even lose your own family in the process.

*Perhaps the best advice I’ve ever gotten in this area came from one of my mentors who said something I’ll never forget. “Spend time loving the people who will LET you.” You can figure out what that means for you.

2. See Everyone

It matters to me to “see” and recognize everyone. I always do my best to welcome everyone with love and kindness. The “haves” and the “have nots,” the ones who have it all together and the ones who don’t have anything together, the ones seen and known by all, and particularly the ones who look and seem different from the rest. That means abandoning a conversation with someone “well known” to go out of the way to welcome someone who nobody else knows or welcomes. It means making an effort to never make a difference between people. Honestly, my heart has always been turned more towards the “lost” one than the found one. I’m geared to try to make the one who feels the loneliest welcomed and loved. It’s amazing how many people find our church and share stories of visiting churches where nobody even noticed or acted like it mattered that they were there. I’m learning that sometimes in my desire to “see” the ones that nobody sees, that some of the most faithful sheep can feel less important. I’m listening, and trying my best to find a way to love everyone well (if you figure out the secret of keeping everyone happy all the time, let me know). I also hope to lead in such a way that the most faithful sheep see that part of being faithful to God means loving and “seeing” the least, the last, and the lost themselves. I want them to participate in welcoming others and letting God use them instead of continuing to ask the question, “what can you do for me?”

3. Lead Always

Leadership tends to be a vacuum. In the presence of weak leadership, the loudest voices and strongest personalities will fill the gaps. In other words, when a leader refuses to do the work of leading, he/she isn’t setting the course for the ship, they are allowing the loudest voices and the conflict they are unwilling to confront to make the decisions. I don’t believe in letting whatever happens, happen. Leadership brings hard things. It is unavoidable. You can’t let the hard things run you…but instead you have to run to the hard things. When there is a problem or a conflict, you have to hit it head on. Do your best to do it in love, but you can’t let sleeping dogs lie, because they don’t lie forever. At some point they’re going to get up and try to run things. Leading in this way isn’t a “power play,” but it’s part of the job and calling. To lead means making hard decisions, stepping into a mud fight where you can’t avoid getting mud on your own face, and it means being willing to do the right thing even when the right thing may come at a cost. To lead means making decisions at times that may be in error, but they can never be in doubt. Don’t leave it up to chance. Lead always.

4. Think Flock

Think flock means that every decision I/we make in leadership is what we believe to be the right thing for the greatest amount of sheep. In other words, we can’t make decisions based on the personal opinion of another person when that opinion isn’t shared by the flock or the best thing for the entire church. When stuck in the middle of an issue and having to “lead always” with a decision to move forward, we always ask “what is the best move for the entire church.” You can’t let leadership decisions be dictated by a particular person (regardless of his/her power, prominence, or status), but you have to be guided by purpose. For me, my role is to shepherd the flock. That sometimes means individual sheep don’t get what they want. I wish that weren’t the case, but that’s the way I think it has to be. You aren’t leading that loud person with their preferences, you are leading a “people.” Lead like they ALL matter.

5. Minister Together.

Don’t do ministry alone. Invite and welcome other people into it with you. Take others on visits as much as possible. Let others see behind the curtain and behind the scenes (as much as you can without breaking confidentiality). Explain to the ones interested what you do and why you do what you do. Transparency is a beautiful thing, and so is mentoring others. We rub off on each other in holy ways. We are better together. It’s really pretty simple to invite others to go along with you as you serve the Lord in this calling.

My aim at shepherding God’s people isn’t just to get them to do the right things, but to become (and keep becoming) the right people…kingdom people.

Have you ever laid down a paper towel on a spill and watched how the spill slowly soaks into every square inch of the towel? It starts in one place and then it gradually, but surely, spreads into every stitch and soaks clear through to both sides.

I think faith is supposed to work like that.

There’s no doubt that in a moment we decide to “lay ourselves down” and begin the process, but if we’ve given ourselves to it completely, faith soaks into every nook and cranny of our lives. It becomes our identity.

This kind of faith doesn’t just tell us all the things we are to “do,” but it guides who we are to “be.” While it is certainly visible in the things we do, it’s not something that can be compartmentalized into certain actions, sections, and/or moments of life. It changes the substance of who we are…everywhere…and all the time. It can’t be (nor should it be) contained with Sunday morning “amens” or serving at the food pantry once a month. It saturates how we love our neighbor, who we notice in our daily comings and goings, our attitude towards the server, the way we make time (or not) for other people, how we “do” our jobs, the way we show up for our family, our general and everyday posture and attitude towards the world…I could keep going. A shallow understanding of faith has us doing it like we put on costumes at Halloween. When we need to “do the part” we get into the role. Faith that looks like that never feels like it soaks down deeply enough. I don’t think life is about doing or not doing all the right/wrong things, but about who we are becoming all over and all the way through. And I think it’s supposed to soak all the way through like a paper towel that absorbs the entire spill.

Almost 35 years ago the world gave to us what would be a staple in many pastoral libraries a book that would become a classic for marriages. ”The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman. In the book, he contends that love is understood by different people in different ways. There are 5 love languages, and while you speak them all and understand them all (to some degree), there are one or two that you understand better than the others. In other words, although love is experienced and expressed in many different ways, what you think it looks and feels like may be different from the person beside you. Having counseled marriages, both pre and post, for over 20 years, I think he’s right.

I believe the same thing about faith. Let me explain.

I’ve come to believe that people understand faith in different ways. Although we experience and express faith in all 3 ways (head, hands, and heart), I think, like love languages, we are more geared towards one over the others. For example, some people love an in-depth Bible study where they learn things they didn’t know before. They like to process God with intellect. The next person had rather take food every Friday to the Blessing Boxes located throughout the community. There’s something about faith being activated in the hands and feet that feels like true faith. Still another, waits all year for the annual worship night where they get to spend 2 hours in worship. It does the “heart” good.

Have you ever noticed how some church members are so excited about the next mission trip, but they don’t get as excited about Bible study? Or how they’ll praise, pray, and cry for 2 hours during worship night, but would never sign up to serve as a mentor or counselor at LifeChoices? Why is that? I think I know. Like love languages, I think faith has a language too. While we all should speak all 3 (a faith that is ultimately not lived out through hands and feet isn’t faith at all…in my opinion), we may be more fulfilled in one way or another.

I believe that a limitless God allows us to experience and express him in almost limitless ways. I believe our faith connects our head, heart, and hands, but that each of us leans towards one of those areas more than another.

So what does this mean for a church leader?

We should reflect on this thought (head, heart, and hands) and ask ourselves how well we are ministering and leading in each of these 3 areas? Are we providing opportunities for our people to experience and express their faith in all 3 areas? I think we should. Do we lean heavily towards one of these three over the others? Probably…and we are probably leaning towards the place WE are most comfortable.

Ultimately, I think that a church that understands this will minister in ways that will lead to fruit, growth, and will be leading in a diverse way that will nurture the growth of a variety of believers in a beautiful way.

People are desperate for the kind of love that sees them for who they are, yet still welcomes them as they are.

There are stories in churches across the country that go something like this. “I went to _______ church down the street one time. Not a single person said a word to me, not even the pastor.” That translates in their minds as, “I have to be exactly like these people or they won’t accept me.” This experience leaves them thinking that they have to be a member, a confessed believer, and/or dress/think/look/act like everyone else there or they won’t be accepted. That may not be the message a church intends to send or even has an awareness that they are sending, but that’s the one that is many times received. How newcomers find and experience your church when they arrive will be an expression of your church’s culture (churches notoriously think they are much friendlier and much warmer than they actually are…only those who carry out love and welcome intentionally are doing this well). That culture starts with the pastor…how he/she welcomes others (which is an expression of their own beliefs and practices).

I believe people should be allowed to belong before they believe.

I don’t mean allowed to join as members before they believe and embrace the teachings of the church. I mean that they should be “socially” welcomed into the embrace and life of the church. It means loving them exactly where they are for exactly who they are. I have a suspicion that in the middle of a loving community of people who are living out counter cultural kingdom values in a broken and chaotic world, that all of those we welcome into the community (socially and with friendship) will experience the transforming presence and power of God. There is something overwhelming and beautiful about the “even so” love we find in our God. They will ultimately relinquish control of their lives over to that God, or they’ll eventually walk away. I believe that if we will love everyone as Jesus loves us and preach the truth in love that they will see Jesus for who he really is. I also believe that if they find an unwelcoming, unloving, and judgmental room filled with people who have no interest in loving them where they are, they’ll instead find reasons to believe all the negative stereotypes they’ve ever heard about the church and the Christians in it and decide to find another kind of community with people who will welcome and accept them.

Tabitha had died. Her story in Acts 9:36-42 (go read it) tells us about this incredible and selfless woman who served the least, the last, and the lost. We know she sewed clothes for widows, because they brought them to her funeral. They were all distraught and broken that this woman who loved them so well had died. Perhaps the entire town grieved at her passing. Her selfless, sacrificial, agape love, demonstrated in practical ways, not only spread love and built community, it went on to transform eternity for many who professed faith in Jesus. Her simple devotion to the ones that society had largely forgotten impacted the Kingdom of God forever. I believe a church should love like that.

Does your community know that you exist? If we’re doing it right, shouldn’t they know we’re here? Somewhere it says that we should be known by our love…

What might happen if your church worked to purposely “remember” those the world has forgotten?

In large part, I think that’s our mission in the world…to love and serve our community in such beautiful ways that it makes the love of God believable.

Yes. I think so.

Three of the Gospels use a phrase to describe instructions from Jesus to his disciples once they’ve done all they can do. He tells them to “shake the dust off” and move on (Matthew 10:14, Mark 6:11, Luke 9:5). The specific instructions have to do with the people in those places being unwilling to accept Jesus and the ways of the kingdom. The disciples had a responsibility to God and to the kingdom they represented to carry themselves in a certain way. They weren’t just promoting the person of Jesus, but the way of life that he embodied. Once they had done their part, after they had held up their end of the deal (which even meant saying I’m sorry at times when they didn’t get it right), and the person or persons on the other end weren’t willing to embrace the truth of Jesus and the way of the kingdom, they had Jesus’ permission to move on. Telling them to shake the dust off their sandals was to ensure they did not carry old dirt into a new place where that old dirt would be transferred to a new place and grow the same unaccepting, difficult, and headstrong roots. They needed a fresh start. To do that, they had to cut some old ties.

You have a responsibility to Jesus and the way of the kingdom to represent him well to others, to own it when you don’t, and to do your best to extend love and welcome on the other side of the conflict. However, that’s not always reciprocated. There are times when you can move forward, but the person on the other side of the conflict simply won’t or can’t. When they decide to hold on to the grudge and are unwilling to “release you” from what they consider to be your part of wrongdoing in the conflict, after you’ve done “all you know to do,” you have permission…and you should take the opportunity…to move along. If you don’t or can’t, you’ll get stuck in that place and bitter roots will grow IN YOU. You won’t have to worry about taking old dirt to a new place because you’ll not go to a new place. In your heart, you’ll quit. But you can’t stay there because you have a job to do! You are a “seed slinger!” There is more seed to be sown in other lives. You can’t let that one who won’t reconcile keep you from impacting the next person who needs Jesus.

You have to move on. Moving on hurts most of the time.

But if you take that old tainted dirt into your next relationship, something old may try to grow in that new place…and that’s precisely why Jesus told the disciples to shake that dust off…because that can’t happen.

Ultimately, when you’ve done all you know to do, have represented the kingdom the best way you know how, have extended love, forgiveness, and given a new opportunity to move forward in friendship with the person/s you’ve had conflict with, but they are unwilling to let that go and move on, you should move on too. And I think you have permission from Jesus to do it.

Not everyone received the disciples, and not everyone will receive you. There are others who need your time, love, and attention who are ready to receive the seeds you carry. Plant your next seeds in soil that will accept your love and relationship…and be careful not to let that old soil dirty your own heart in ways that will keep you from loving well the next friends you make.

People will say and do things from a distance (so will you) that they would never say or do in person. There’s something about the space between us that makes it easier to build our walls. Call it a psychological concept or just our perception, but distance doesn’t “make the heart grow fonder.” I think it has the opposite effect. When people are at odds AGAINST each other, but not in the room WITH each other, they become dogs chained to dog houses, each with just enough chain to get close enough to see and taunt the other, but not close enough to exchange true pleasantries or kiss and make up.

Let me be definitive and clear. Anytime in my leadership life that I’ve had conflict with another person that I’ve tried to solve from a distance it always spelled DISASTER. It NEVER works. It hasn’t yet anyway.

Why is that?

We are braver (we used to use the word “froggy,” lol…more willing to “jump” when the other person can’t “reach us from there”) from a distance. Body language and tone gets lost. It feels more impersonal. There’s something about the person feeling less human on the other end of the interaction when they’re not in a room and then it’s easier for us to treat them (and them us) as less than the person made in the image of God that we know them to be.

If it’s worth fixing, and I believe real conflict is always worth fixing, it is worth meeting face-to-face with the other person. If they’re unwilling to meet in person, don’t engage with them otherwise.

But I have some practices about how I do that…in no particular order.

#1. Don’t meet with them alone.

When trust has broken down, a one-on-one meeting sounds safer, but it can lead to further problems. Others can “allege” that you said/did something that you didn’t or convey something from a context that you didn’t intend. If the other person is of the opposite sex (or maybe even same sex) they may claim that you made advances that would destroy your reputation and credibility. One of you may even get carried away and lose your temper. None of these things are ever good.

Invite a third party into the room. Declare up front that the third party doesn’t have a speaking role, but is there to keep you accountable to who you are supposed to be as a Christian leader. That person can also provide details if there are accusations of inappropriate behavior of any type.

#2. Don’t meet with the mob.

There are times when it’s not just one person that wants to meet, but they rally the troops and bring the mob to your door. They have a group and you just have yourself. They may not have torches and pitchforks, but there is something to be said (call it a social dynamic I suppose) about how courageous a group of people get when they get together. They start getting loud, justified, and ready to overthrow the system! When there is more of “them” than there is you in the conflict, there’s something about that imbalance of power that makes them feel right, and makes you look wrong. It may not be true, but it is the reality. Offer to meet one-on-one with a third party as a witness/mediator. Many of the “mob members” don’t have anything to say, they’ll just go home if you offer to meet with them as individuals. It takes the fire right out of their torches. But listen to me on this one. Do not meet with the mob. It never goes well.

#3. Make notes ahead of the conversation.

When I know there will be conflict I make very specific notes to guide my side of the conversation. I’m careful to be clear and concise, but not accusatory or defaming towards them. I state the facts and/or ask the questions, but I don’t make character statements or judgments about them and notes help me to be Christian in my part of the conflict.

#4. Pray.

Before the first words are offered, ask, “is it ok if I pray?” Take that opportunity to do two things. Invite the Lord into the room (not that he needs the invitation…but do it anyway). It states up front that the room is yielded to Him. That’s important. If the other person isn’t willing to acknowledge the authority of God in the situation, it won’t go well anyway. And…you’ll be able to affirm them in a genuine way by thanking God for them, who he made them to be, and with the Lord’s help, able to be kind and loving towards them. It’ll help with the tension.

#5. Where you sit matters.

Don’t sit behind a desk. It demonstrates authority (but God is in charge of this conflict). Don’t sit directly across from them (it feels confrontational). Both of these postures portray a message that you don’t want to convey. Sit adjacent to them. Not close enough to touch them, but not so far away that it feels you’re trying to get away from them.

#6. Your body language matters.

Keep your hands out in the open. Don’t cross your arms. Don’t furl your brow (I’m guilty of this one). When they talk, lean in and listen. Don’t shake your head, smirk, huff and puff, or interrupt them with your movements or words. When they’re talking to you, even if it is painful, lean in, look them in the eye, and really listen.

#7. Pretend there’s a camera recording everything you do and say.

This just keeps you as honest as you can be. If you wouldn’t want it on social media or on the front page news, be careful not to say it or do it, even if you think it’s a private conversation. When they’re upset, they may twist your words or actions anyway (you can’t help that), but this thought will help you not to get too carried away.

#8. This one sounds dumb, but it has helped me a time or two. Keep a bottle of water for the both of you.

Offering them a bottle of water demonstrates kindness and hospitality. Having your own bottle of water gives you a buffer if you’re trying to gather your words to speak. An old school superintendent told me about this trick with water. If you can’t think of the right thing to say, take a sip of water. It buys you more time. If you’re still struggling, maybe even take a second sip. It gives enough time to formulate a response when you can’t think quickly enough.

Bring proximity, wisdom, and Jesus into the next conflict. I think this will help.

There’s probably more…but this is good for now.

I was a middle school principal at a small, public middle school in Kentucky, which meant I was also the athletic director. Fall sports rolled around every year and that meant one thing. Basketball. Popcorn. Late nights. And John. John had 3 boys, equally spaced out in age, and all 3 were great basketball players. John was great as long as we were winning…but we didn’t always win. When we were losing, John made a scene. At least once a year, every year, the referee would throw John out of the gymnasium. Guess who had to walk him out each time? The middle school athletic director…yours truly. He never made it easy. I always wondered if I’d have to fight him or call the police…or both…just to get him to leave the building. Every game I would secretly hope John wouldn’t show up because I didn’t want to deal with it. Have you ever had a problem with someone and always hoped you wouldn’t run into them out anywhere? You just didn’t want to deal with them? But everywhere you went, they turned up too?

Having led schools, departments, districts, and churches, I’ve learned that conflict is like John. Conflict WILL come. It shows up. And it shows up in every place, various situations, and even amongst those you wouldn’t expect it from (it will even come from those you love the most [that’s the most painful kind]).

You can cross your fingers, hope hard, pray even harder, but conflict will seek you out. It. Will. Come. Conflict isn’t a sign that you’re doing it wrong when it comes to leadership. It’s the price of admission to the task of leading. I don’t care how good you are, how well you are liked, how hard you work, or how hard you work to ensure that conflict doesn’t come, it will come. It’s a fact of life in leadership.

It can appear at times that good leaders never have it, but all of them do. The measure of your leadership is not based on whether or not you have conflict, but how you respond when it comes, and how well you learn to lead while you carry the weight of it. It’s why the best leaders never seem to have it, because they know what to do with it.

(I could write a book here…but we’ll have to settle for one post at a time.)

Conflict WILL come. For now, just let the weight of that reality set in. It’s one reason why leaders don’t last. If you’re going to survive the brutal journey of leading, you have to learn what to do with it. I will help you learn to be proactive in as many ways as possible before it comes, how to respond when it does, how to learn to move forward with the weight of it pressing down, and when to turn it over to Jesus and move on.

When it comes to a fight, sometimes you lose even if you win.

Let me explain.

I’m not talking about fistfights in the hallways (although I’ve heard about a few of those at churches too…sadly), I’m talking about loud people who slander you on social media. People who aren’t interested in working out a solution in private, but those who want to slander you in the streets. The ones not looking for a friend, but a fight. The folks who don’t care about truth, but who just want to win the fight, despite the cost.

When people come looking for a fight on social media, it feels like we’re the kid sitting at the school lunch table eating, and a bully walks by and dumps his tray on us in front of everyone. Not only are we covered in a mess, but it happened right in front of everybody. We feel like we have something to protect and uphold, so we jump up to fight. It’s the most natural thing ever and we feel justified in doing it.

But what does winning actually cost us? Can we win, yet somehow still lose?

“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get muddy and the pig likes it.” -author unknown (but not me)

I’m not calling the Facebook fighters pigs, but I’m saying that those who insist on picking fights on social media will never let you win. They wouldn’t admit it if you did. There’s always another “thing” or another “angle.” They don’t want a friend (ironic since Facebook is built on who your friends are), they want a fight. If you give them the fight they’re looking for, you’ve already lost.

My advice and practice? Let them get muddy if they insist, but you stay out of it. If they want to slander you, let them do it from the mud pit. You have more important things to do. You weren’t called to win fights on Facebook. You were called to win souls for Jesus!

If you engage in these kinds of fights, you lose even if you win. And I can promise you, pigs are good at wallowing in the mud…it’s what they do best.

In the days where somehow the loudest voices seem to get the most attention, remember the posture of Jesus who lived a life that seemed countercultural in every way to those who were so shaped by the culture that they couldn’t understand.

Loud is not always right…and right…is not always loud.

And for the record, we should love the pigs too…but wrestling with them in the mud is not likely to work out for either one of us.

The old adage, “a hill to die on,” suggests something that is worth fighting for to the very end. If one is willing to “die on that hill” it means that regardless of the consequences or the cost, the fight is worth fighting. Unseasoned leaders will “bristle” up at anything that doesn’t fit his/her liking. Sometimes the “bristling” up, unbeknownst to the unseasoned leader, may lead to a deeper conflict and a bigger problem than originally believed. Simple questions, when perceived as threats, can lead to conflicts that can turn a “molehill” into a mountain. Sometimes a simple question can lead to a complex conflict (ask me how I know). This first lesson on conflict is actually 2 lessons in one.

The first part is this: if it’s not worth bleeding over, sometimes it is better left alone.

Not everything is a big deal, but some leaders treat it like it is. Things that come up that can be traced back to preference, opinion, aesthetics, style…things that likely won’t even be remembered tomorrow, even when you disagree, most times are best left alone. Sometimes a smile and nod (even when you’re thinking “this is wild to me”) will lead to a bigger win down the road. Any time you question, correct, or criticize someone on the team (staff, board member, volunteer, or church attender/contributor), you run the risk of the conflict escalating. I always ask myself whether or not it’s worth bleeding over. If it’s not a hill I’m ready to die on, many times the best course of action is to let someone else have the hill and not engage at the opportunity.

Not every hill is worth dying on…but some of them are.

Which leads us to the second part. Some hills ARE worth dying on.

The wisdom is in knowing the difference.

The hills worth dying on are those that are critical to the mission, vision, values, and culture of the church. When something seems to work against or is countercultural to kingdom values and the identity you’re trying to build/create, you better take that hill…or that hill will take you. Some things are worth bleeding over.

When it is worth bleeding over…run to it, even if it is hard, and hit it head on. People will notice quickly what you correct, what you celebrate, and what you tolerate. What you correct will impact culture…and what you tolerate will too.

Here’s the bottom line. Not every hill should be taken…but not every hill should be abandoned either. Good leaders learn the difference and are willing to fight for the ones that matter.

When my son Ryan was in elementary school, we did a lot of traveling. The three of us (including my wife Andrea) have stood in 49 states (only Hawaii remains). His favorite places include the ocean. He’s always loved to romp around in the shallow parts and let the waves crash into him. I’ll never forget a trip to Huntington Beach, California where we encountered the largest waves and the most powerful forces of water and tides we had ever seen. We were sitting in the chairs watching Ryan play in the shallows, when I noticed something. He kept moving further and further down the beach. It didn’t appear that he was moving on purpose, but something was moving him without his awareness. It was an undercurrent. An undercurrent is something you can’t see…and can’t experience…until you get in one. As you immerse yourself in it, you become keenly aware of its impact.

Churches carry an undercurrent. Every church has an undercurrent of culture. It is sometimes hard to see from the outside.

There are obvious parts that can be seen from the outside, but some of the most powerful forces, both good and bad, you don’t notice until you find yourself in the midst of them. There is always something going on beneath the surface. Conversations are being had that you know nothing about. There are expectations that aren’t written down anywhere (they’ll let you know when you’ve not met them). Stories have been documented (maybe only in the minds of people) behind objects, events, pictures, and people that you won’t hear until??? These undercurrents are seen, felt, and somewhat understood by those who have been in them for a good bit, but do you know who doesn’t see them until they are immersed in them? Pastors. New pastors in particular. In my experience, it takes 3-4 years to get a good grasp on the undercurrents of culture, to learn the things that aren’t on the sign out front or in the church bulletin (although the strongest undercurrents may present themselves very quickly).

Here’s an interesting nugget. Do you know when most pastors leave their churches? Somewhere in the 3-4 year window. Know why? That’s the point where they have experienced the undercurrent. It’s when they see all the warts and dimples on their flock (also when the flock sees theirs). It’s also the case that the most productive years of ministry come after the first 3-4. Why is that? I’ll give my thoughts on that one in a minute. But first…

Do you know what is easy to do? Recognize the undercurrents of your church culture. Anyone can recognize them, especially after 3-4 years. A good leader doesn’t just recognize them and then run from them. The best leaders work to change them. What if you didn’t just complain about what’s wrong, but trusted God, invested in your leaders, and sharpened your skills enough to turn the tides? I believe the best leaders get the undercurrent working to pull the church in the right direction instead of allowing it to continue pushing us further away from our God-honoring identity as people set apart for kingdom purposes.

The best leaders don’t just stay long enough to assess the undercurrents and then leave when they don’t like the direction it is pushing them…they work to build a culture that builds the church.