This work demanded darkness

I was making a chimaera those days that would allow me to visualise mitophagy in a live animal by tagging mitochondria in red, and autophagosomes in green. But our department had only one fluorescent microscope that would allow me to find those chimaeras in the haystack. That microscope was placed on the top floor- the 5th floor- which was abandoned after 5 pm, and would give a vibe as if humans were not welcome.

To detect the chimaera’s faint colours, I needed a pitch-dark room. This room had big glass windows with blinds that were not sufficient to detect faint colours, especially in the daytime. Hence, I covered the entire glass windows with thick chart paper, followed by the already-installed blinds, and then I waited for sunset so that my job would be easier with less natural light around. But along with this darkness, there was also a spine-chilling vibe after 5 pm, when the animal house people abandoned the floor.

Post-sunset, around 6-6:30 pm or so, the floor was left with several experimental and diseased animals in different cages. While many animals were okay, following their circadian rhythm, the diseased ones would stay restless. Especially the big rats would create sounds as if someone was running behind you. And if you are alone, screening your animals, eyes buried inside the microscope, someone running behind you on an empty floor was not something you want to experience. But my PhD project very much needed these chimaeras, so I had no choice.

Therefore, I requested one of my seniors to accompany me while I screened. She kindly agreed. We kept chatting while screening, and it was fine. But it was not a matter of a day or two. I needed to keep screening for the next 7-10 days. And my senior was loaded with work, so I felt guilty taking up so much of her time. So, after 2-3 days, I decided to go by myself.

I was accompanied by something else this time

So, the next day, at 6:30 pm, on the 5th floor, there was no one to interrupt the silence that day. Completely aware that I was alone on the entire floor, I started my work. All the time, I had this feeling that someone was around- my imagination!!!??? Any sound, and I would assume all the female ghosts I saw in Hindi movies in white sarees or gowns with hair undone and creepy side smiles, standing behind me and waiting for me to turn around. And thanks to those rats in the cages putting colours in my scary imagination.

And suddenly someone screamed. I froze from top to bottom, then I gulped air without moving my body, and then slowly moved my hands down from the microscope in prayer mode, still thinking what that was!!! And again, that loud scream- undoubtedly by a female. I am not that much into pooja-paath rituals and all, but that was not a moment when I was myself- I lost my entire identity then and there.

I was just a faint-hearted human, and there was a scream on a dark, empty floor. I remembered my Hindu gods and recited Hanuman Chalisa, recollecting from my childhood memory, just to survive that moment. I made sure not to turn around because Hindi movies also taught me that ghosts attack only when they are sure that you are aware of their presence and when you turn around. I was determined to turn only when I was ready to run. In my head, I was deceiving the ghost while switching off the microscope without turning my head and, without properly covering the microscope, I just ran away.

Probably, I ran my fastest that day, faster than my brain could keep up, including on the staircase downstairs, as if flying down the staircase. The farther I was away from that floor, the more I felt I could save my life. Finally, I reached my lab, caught my breath, sat in my place and had some water. It was undoubtedly a scream. But who would believe it?

After coming back to the ground state, surrounded by people, I thought, never in my entire life had I encountered a ghost, and never had I heard of such an incident on campus- so was I hallucinating or something? The more I thought about it, the more senseless the whole experience felt. And I never shared this as it sounded ridiculous.

I was not the first person to go to the top floor after hours. Many of the Animal House user PhD students would visit that floor in the evening or at night if their work demanded it. Although, as a Drosophila researcher in my 1st PhD lab, I never needed to use that floor. It was my first time having experience working on that floor.

I was not hallucinating

The next day, I was unsure whether I should ask my senior for help to accompany me on the top floor- because…. I was scared??? That was too embarrassing to admit.

I encouraged myself: Man-up, no, woman-up, girl; you are a science student; you should not think such a thing. Just go for it. Your mind played a trick yesterday; you will be just fine today.

The pep talk did some magic, and I was feeling okay to start my work. After a few minutes, all my attitude and my courage started fading slowly, and that floor’s vibe started taking over. By this time, along with being fearful, I was also feeling exhausted from this daily Dead Bull-powered extreme sports kind of situation. Girl, either you go and ask for help, or die of your fears. So, I chose the latter option- I always loved extreme sports.

Fear was no less than yesterday, but it was also accompanied by- ready to face whatever follows. I was aware of background non-human sounds while sitting with the microscope this time. I was witnessing how, as it was getting darker outside, the wind speed was increasing today, just like yesterday.

My PhD institute was near the ocean, in Odisha state, India. There was scorching heat during the daytime, which was somewhat soothed by strong winds in the evening. So, this thought led me to another thought while my eyes were still scanning animals under the microscope. I was thinking about how just a few months back, this wind had caused a lot of destruction around the coastal area and nearby areas, including our institute. Things were flying in front of our eyes, with wind speeds reaching more than 250km/h.

We were watching from inside our hostel rooms, a little away from our glass windows, during the cyclone named Fani. Glass was shattering everywhere due to air pressure, as if it were being blasted. And since this animal house was on the top floor, it faced the most destruction- many flying objects hitting the walls and glass windows without any interruption. It had only recently become functional again after extensive repairs. But still, there were some cracks and leaks here and there that were evident only when the wind passed through them. And suddenly, that screaming sound appeared again and broke my train of thought.

Only this time, I was sane enough to notice the pattern and the way the scream was fading. Only then did it occur to me- I knew my ghost now. I stepped out of the microscopy room and, still afraid, headed to the corridor. There- a strong stream of wind passed through a narrow yet lengthy gap in the window. As it was hit by different angles of the wind, it made a sharp sound like a dreadful scream. To which the sounds of those rats, as if someone was running behind me, made it all a haunted experience for me. And since the wind speed was picking up only from the day before, I was able to hear this scream from yesterday. Pheww… Got it!!!

After facing my ghost, the fear didn’t vanish entirely, but I knew I wouldn’t die of fear this time. The result of this haunted show was also rewarding- I have found my chimaera out of that haystack. And it made me realise- this research was not for the faint-hearted. Many people come out of a PhD more knowledgeable in their craft, but a few also come out fearless- befriending the ghosts around them.

I had way too much fun writing this one. Let me know in the comments if you've ever had your own "ghost" turn out to be something completely ordinary. Also, do share how you liked this story- I'd love to hear it. ☺️🌸

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The moment we realised an experiment gone wrong

It was the 2nd year of my PhD in my new PhD lab. I was working on some cell biology projects along with working with an animal model- mice. I was studying the effect of different chemical compounds (drugs, henceforward) to treat colitis in that mouse model. It was my first time dealing with mice, and I was nervous- these were living animals, not cell lines in a dish. But a senior colleague who was an expert in animal experiments was helping me; hence, I was a bit relieved.

Since many labs needed that specific strain of mice, it was not easy to obtain the desired animals for our experiment. So, we designed everything very carefully. However, most of our animals died within 2 days of starting our experiment, including the control group (A kind of reference point without any drug for comparison). We thought hard about the possible reasons, and we concluded that the oral gavage through which the drug was administered could be a problem, as if not administered properly, it can cause death. Although we were very careful while oral gavaging, we still thought let the experts handle this. We might have done something wrong.

Image: Oral gavage. Yes, it looks more or less like that…

After a few weeks, we were again able to obtain our experimental animals. This time, animal house staff were handling oral gavage. We came the next day; again, we saw that a few animals had died.

The troubleshooting

It was a tense environment. My colleague and I were sitting at our central table with our laptops open, notebooks open, thinking hard about what went wrong. So, we started from the start. It was not an experiment that was done for the first time. We could not point out the problem. Oral gavage was ruled out.

In the same lab, my seniors did that experiment with different drugs.... Are the drugs the problem?

No.

It was the solvent in which the drugs were dissolved that was the problem. That drug can only be dissolved in alcohol.

Damn!!!

We gave our animals alcohol...

We left everything on the table and ran towards the 5th floor.

The cage

The animal cage is designed in a way that has food on top with sipping water bottle. But our animals were sick and now dehydrated, so they just cannot utilise a normal cage setup. As soon as we arrived, we opened the cage and gave water in a petri plate for easy access and manually placed all sick animals near the water. They started consuming water actively with whatever strength they had. A few were still so weak that they were trying to drink and breathe and I could see the way they were struggling in both.

It was heartbreaking.

My colleague and I looked at each other- we were very disappointed in this whole situation. We stayed there with those animals for a while, looking at them consuming water and praying they recover soon. With a heavy heart, we returned to our labs.

The next day, we were informed that some of them still died and a few survived. We were too late to undo anything. The damage was done. We stopped that experiment for a while, and for some reason we didn’t have to resume that experiment.

The way I see alcohol now

It’s been 3-4 years since that experiment. But the visuals are still fresh. When people say - alcohol does this and that to your body, I don’t say much. All I remember is- how!!! That incident is still fresh. When you work with cell lines, mistakes are still bad, but it does not go to your heart in the long run. But working with animal models hits differently (especially when you are a sensitive person).

To me, what I want to do next also comes with what I do not want to do next. PhD work helped me realise what areas I like the most, and also what model system I would not like to work with. That was one of the few incidents that made me not want to go with rodent (e.g. mouse, rat) model systems further. It made me question: am I too sensitive to pursue the science?

Well, I realised I do not need to answer that as long as I can still do good science without things I do not want.

Do let me know about incidents that shook you and made you question yourself. Also, do let me know your thoughts on this piece and if you want to know more about such lab stories…

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Image source: Pinterest

Image source: Pinterest

Today, while imaging neurons in a cold, dark microscopy room, I was reading stories of photographers on Substack. In that silent area, where only the weird buzzing sound of the microscope, which feels like a part of your existence after a few minutes, made me realise: am I also not a photographer? A microscopic one? And then, I had this urge to share the story behind these camera & photodetectors associated with the microscope through which I am uncovering a world inside all of us, begun.

Heading towards my lab today, I knew this day would be different. I kept my bag at my workbench, and with a big bottle of warm water, a jacket and a key, I stepped out of my lab to go into the basement. A cold, dark area. An underground facility with some of the best microscopes that resolve the mysteries of nature by giving enlarged images of a world invisible to human eyes

Image of neuronal ends (yellow) with neurotransmitter (pink).

The shot I am chasing

To understand complicated processes that occur commonly in different animals, we choose simple animals and learn the process from there. So, to understand how our neurons communicate with muscles and make us move, I study tiny fruit flies. Fruit flies are one of the easiest models to study how neurons talk to muscles, so that’s where I started. It is just the simplest way in to understand a complicated question.

A few weeks ago, I generated a mutant animal- we simply call it our fruit fly animal in general terms. This project is a way for us to understand at what level the communication between neurons and muscles was hampered, and once we figure it out, what can restore this communication.

The larvae of these mutant flies were so weak. Barely moving, as if they were dead, and just blending with the background because of their nearly transparent body. Whenever I work with these mutants, I cannot stop thinking about the paralysis condition of humans, and what must have happened to those body parts to some extent.

But I cannot simply identify the neurons and the muscle directly under the microscope. It will all look black and white from tip to toe. So we dissect those tiny larvae, about the size of a rice grain, and fix them so that their structure is preserved in that state. Then we tag them with antibodies that let us see what we want to see. Different tags, different colour codes, so the neuromuscular junctions become something we can actually visualize. The whole process from dissection to imaging takes at least 4 days. And now, finally, it was my time to watch and understand what was up with those transparent larvae.

The world through a microscope

When I first saw the neurons under the microscope, I was stunned. My colleague asked, after showing me motor neurons on the computer screen, “What do you think?” I was smiling with amazement - it is so beautiful.

And then, it started. The complexity of the information a muscle receives just to contract a bit. The messengers between them. As if this process has its own cosmos. I saw a traffic of mitochondria going to and fro from muscle side of the neuron to nerve chord - a few to provide energy, and a few to get retired/recycled as they’d reached their age. We did a time-lapse to track the movement of mitochondria on nerve bundles, and the result - I could not stop smiling. Now all the studies I did so far to understand mitochondria and the cytoskeleton were finally making sense. Oh, this is where all that information gets used? It looked like a four-lane highway- on the axons, and mitochondria moving as if lit cars, following a queue, a few overtaking each other.

My colleague and I stood there, thinking hard about why a few mitochondria seemed to be standing in the same place while others were so busy reaching their destination. And then it occurred to me- even a busy road needs energy, right? A moving mitochondria cannot fuel the cytoskeleton while moving. So someone has to stay there to serve. It could be one of the reasons.

The micro photography that leaded to another question

Coming back to those mutants- after doing my photography with the microscope, I was finally able to see those tiny dots filled with messages at the nerve end, the ones that are supposed to talk to the muscle so that further growth and development can happen. They were there. But there was something I learnt in that cold, dark room- despite the neurons reaching the muscles, they were not carrying enough messengers.

The neuron had made it all the way there. It just wasn’t saying enough once it arrived. But why?

So, this micro photographer left the microscopy room and proceeding the research with the next set of questions- ‘why and how’? And the story continued…

I’m curious to know how you like this story. What part fascinated you the most. What are you most curious to know more about? Do share your thoughts in the comments!

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Source: Pinterest

The meeting

This Monday, instead of kicking off my lab work in my newly joined postdoc lab, I found myself walking towards the office of the director of the Office of Education for a meeting. Not knowing what kind of conversation would turn out and how I would feel about it, I was heading in clueless. I reached, sat on the chair, kept my bag leaning on to the chair I was sitting on, took a deep breath and faced the director who was waiting for me to be ready to start a conversation.

How are you doing now? She asked while screening my body language. With my fingers clasped with each other on my lap, I answered with limited words - things are much better now.

Then the conversation flowed, discussing career options and my interests. As I started talking about my interests, my body language opened up, in addition to a smile, and I was feeling easy now. For many reasons, it looked mutual. There were more smiles and chuckles entered into the conversation from both sides, and I ended up having a potential opportunity - I might need your help to write a newsletter related to this institute.

A little over 5 months back

I started from India to live in a new country for the first time in some challenging situations, and that led me to meet the director of the Office of Education so that I could get help and focus on my work and well-being. Over time, I found myself doing better, and to convey the same, I was attending this meeting once again, 5 months apart.

Before going further, I wish to add one point here - I was very touched by how the academic setup genuinely cares about your well-being without any judgement that by default considers students at the faulty side. I find it very crucial everywhere - something non-negotiable in academia. Here, there is an unbiased system that compassionately hears and considers problems of students and actively takes action or gives suggestions towards something helpful.

So this time, the meeting indeed started with how I was doing. But it further went into career development and matching my interest into most suitable career options. As I started sharing my interests, I found myself going into my elements, not caring if I consider myself an introvert, or doubting my capabilities or anything else. As if it was my ground, that does not necessarily say I am an expert in that, but it says it’s my thing, and I just love discussing or learning about that.

As the conversation flowed, I found the environment changing into a more friendly manner, and I ended up having a potential offer (because it is not finalised yet) to help write the institution’s newsletter and design a logo for an upcoming event. That I gladly accepted.

Afterwards, I started my work and forgot about it.

Walking home

While returning home, it occurred to me - how exceptionally big a thing it would be if this happens, and it opens a door for a totally unexpected job opportunity that was never considered for career, but can be a potential career for those who are in academia with creative interests. Who would have thought it? And a series of thoughts built up on it - would that make a difference for students thinking or doing PhD, that your interests can open some unexpected doors? And if I finally navigate my way to bridge my expertise and interest, how interesting it will be to create a platform where people like me get aware of these non-traditional career options. How fulfilling it would be if I work in something towards providing such kind of information full-time?

When I say it is not necessary to see your path clearly to take your first step, this is what I mean. Taking your very first next step is needed. And that much clarity we all have. I might be one step away from finding my dream work, or I might find it later sometime, but I would have never known if I never tried.

I never was able to answer - which field and which subject will give you more job opportunity. At this point, people expect me to be able to say something concrete. But how can I? The way I navigated my ways were nothing planned. I was hitting dead end after every few years. The limiting factor for me is not a specific field, it is the mindset that lets you see only what is written in the book or what the whole crowd is following. And I understand you won’t build a confidence on your gut feeling until you take some action. So, follow the traditional path with a certain security, but with that, also build your own thought process and unique angle so that you can find your own unique path.

The questionnaire

Now, coming back to that meeting. To find my potential job opportunity, the Office of Education sent me a few questionnaires so that I could find the best career options based on my interests and my skills. Out of 15-20 options, the least suitable career option for me was to become a principal investigator. I laughed. Not in disbelief, because deep inside I knew it. Now, it was evident.

Although the other career option that best suited me was also not something of my liking. But anyway that doesn’t disappoint me either. Because along the way, one of the most important skill I have learnt to find my own way. But it was good to know. That questionnaire also showed me a loophole that only a ‘least suited for PI’ position person can bridge.

Choose your battle

The thing is, in every step of our life, we do not necessarily have the option to do exactly the thing we want to do. So, there are times when you have to go with the flow, and there are times when you could put some energy-ATP to change your course. And only you can know when to surrender and when to stand up for your dreams.

Yep... choose your battle wisely. If you do not like the end, change your course once again. It’s your battle, and it ends only when you declare it ends. 👾✌🏼

And this post cannot end until I also learn what your views are on it. Hence, please do share your thoughts on it… ☺️🌸

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Okay, so the outside weather is sorted. But what about the workplace weather, where I will be spending most of my productive daytime?

Already feeling annoyed thinking about yesterday while heading towards my workplace, I reached the lab and realised I had made mistakes in both experiments I ran the day before. Let me take you into the real weather report now.

Yesterday

I was juggling at least four things with a little overlap, because this is how I utilise my time efficiently. Two experiments for two projects, helping a colleague who is also helping me learn things, learning a new microscope downstairs, and a few other small tasks at different time points. And this is the story of almost all my workdays.

And then in a meeting, I was told: “You are taking forever.”

In my fifth month in a new workplace, I am already pushing my limits within limited time, so that I can still love what I do, progress, be efficient, and stay sane. This is the way I have always worked. And instead of good words, or even no words, “you are taking forever” is not something that helps.

The positive version of me would argue: every place and every person has drawbacks; take those moments as fuel to improve. But right now, I am cutting myself some slack to create room to breathe.

If I constantly absorb everything without being kind to myself, how will I ever develop my own voice to say: this is enough, or this is not okay?

The incident left me with two questions that I am still thinking about. At what point should you stop pushing yourself? And even when you know something is wrong, what can you actually do about it in an academic setup where raising your voice can still cost you your career?

I do not have clean answers to either. But I did manage to convey clearly that I cannot push myself further than this and still understand what I am doing scientifically. I said it, and it was heard. That felt like enough for now.

However, when your day ends like this, it is normal to overthink the same scenario happening again with a little bit more dramatic endings, and you cannot help yourself suffering in your imagination. This is what is happening with me now. And while talking to others, I see similarities in this matter in different workplaces.

For now, it seems, I have to keep going with whatever understanding I have and as long as things feel doable. But along with these similarities, I have also noticed a few differences at individual levels. What happens to you is outside weather, and what you do with that is an internal matter. And here, a life outside work really matters. And this is where having a hobby comes in.

Doesn’t matter what drama life throws at you; if something disconnects you from the same mental space and lets you breathe easily, it makes a lot of difference in the way we live our lives.

Hobby: create your own weather

By the end of the day, I found myself genuinely glad to have hobbies. And I noticed something I had not fully registered before.

The people around me are accomplished, driven, impressive in every measurable way. And almost all of them explain their hobbies in the past tense. I was an opera singer (I was amazed), I learnt taekwondo for eight years, I have learnt ballroom dancing, and so on. Also, almost everyone always talks about escaping their current life or current work role, as it is mentally exhausting.

So, this is so normal that it feels so natural to stay mentally drained. Shouldn’t we normalise it then?

So far, I have seen that many have replaced hobbies with more work. A few cannot make time because of family responsibilities. Either way, that part of them has quietly disappeared.

At this point, when I go back home and do something creative out of my imagination that helps me express myself in any way- writing, doodling, learning something new- I feel so blessed that I kept that tiny spark alive throughout. It makes my heart smile at the end of the day.

The importance of this spark I realise even more when you see the end of the tunnel ahead of your years-long pursuit clearer than before, and yet you feel empty inside while you have even somewhat proven yourself to the rest of the world.

I was disconnected from my hobbies for stretches of time, but in one way or another, I somehow made a corner for something that gave me joy, even when I did not fully realise what I was doing. And now, on days when things turn gloomy and without much of a purpose, my hobbies give me a surge of new life and a new lens to look through. It bounces something back in me whenever I hit rock bottom.

I have seen a few major ups and downs now to notice the difference clearly. Hobbies are not just something that helps you detach your brain for a while and make you feel happy. They expand your brain by providing different angles and lenses to keep you flexible & joyful.

If no one has told you this yet: if you have a hobby, or even just a curiosity to learn something new, make time for it. It will pay off in unexpected ways and will give you another level of inner peace. It might look like you could have done more work in that time. But this life will never be long enough to give it all to work anyway. Prioritise your personal things wisely. Be accomplished, be successful. Just do not lose the part of you that exists outside of it.

You cannot fix outside weather, but inside weather is all yours to create.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and views on this topic. Also, do share your hobbies… :)

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I saw how both my parents were beaming while sharing these interactions.

That made me feel a little better, on a day when staying positive far from home was taking some effort.

The village I started from

While heading to the lab, I started thinking about how many kids, especially girls, have contacted me ever since I joined my PhD with a scholarship. And now, more are approaching me through their parents after I secured a postdoc position in the USA.

When I started from a village in Bihar, India, many called me delusional. They said I should stay within my limits. These comments came from their own experiences, their own worlds. But no matter what people said, I was determined to take a step forward into uncertainty. And my parents supported me.

Roughly twenty years apart, things are slowly changing for girls. More parents are now supporting their daughters to study further rather than marrying them off.

2016. I was trying to help my friend with cooking. That was the only cooking skill I had back then- chopping vegetables. 😅

The girls who text me without their parents knowing

On our side, the main question is still: doctor or engineer?

A few of the girls have texted me without their parents’ knowledge. Di, I am not sure I will be able to crack the medical exam. What options do we have? If I take this subject, will I get any jobs?

While interacting with these kids, I started thinking about the same path I walked, but from a different angle. To me, the driving force was simple: I could not go back home, or I would get married to some stranger, and I couldn’t see that I had any good qualities to be a good housewife. Back home, our minds were not expanded enough to even think that we girls could be something on our own.

When I left, I was solely focused on being financially independent at any cost. I chose my study area based on what I did not like, and then I was left with one or two options every single time a big decision came. So I took those options and made them work.

That is what I tell the girls who reach out to me now.

It is not about clarity at step one

Students who are seeking clarity before they take their first step should know: very few people are clear about what they want at the beginning. So clear your head first. You do not need to know your destination. But that does not mean you cannot take your first step.

I especially encourage every girl who approaches me to just get started. Start with whatever subjects are catching your interest. Till my 12th grade, I did poorly in studies. And then during my bachelor’s degree, I suddenly started loving genetics. From that point, I just moved upward. It was interest that propelled me forward, nothing else.

I know they can do it. We all have more or less similar kinds of brains. Interest is the driving force.

My biggest achievement is not a degree

If I have to name my biggest achievement, it is not a degree. It is freedom. Freedom of thinking, of analysing, of confidence. There is no award to show someone how important that is to me as a woman.

I cannot explain this feeling to those girls yet. So I softly nudge them toward the correct mindset instead. I tell them to develop their craft first, from places that give them exposure to the world. Clarity will meet them step by step, as it goes. I do not advise them on how to earn good money, because in my opinion, if one has a skill, they will find their way in today’s world. But they need to get exposed to the outside world to build a personality, a character first.

As I am getting older, I am realising what kind of asset this struggle and education have built in me. I never really saw that something beautiful was being built during those struggling days, when I was in the middle of it.

And when I found myself in the middle of struggle again this morning, that phone call reminded me: this life might be building something beautiful right now too. I just cannot see it yet, because I am still in the middle of it.

If you are in the middle of some dilemma about your studies and future direction, and you wish to talk, feel free to reach out to me in a DM. I will be happy to talk or help within my capacity. 🌸

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With that, see you next week.☺️

It doesn’t matter how hard I tried. The project was too out of reach for my brain. Technically, I was working on it. Superficially, I had data in my hand. But I never felt like a scientist. I felt like I was doing a technical job, and then I took a completely different approach. And I saw how things started changing..

Post-PhD postdoc hunt: the positive attitude

I knew I was applying for labs where I saw my future. Labs where the work was different from my PhD work, but I knew I could do it. I confidently appeared for many interviews in labs of my choice. During those interviews, I focused on explaining my PhD thesis work and why I was interested in theirs. It was a lot of work. Expectations were set from both sides. Sitting in a hostel room in India, I was preparing for interviews with a clear head.

The research proposal

After applying to several labs of interest in the US, at a time when jobs were scarce, I got an offer with one condition: I had to write a research proposal to show my understanding of their work. If they will like it, I will be in. I took my time, and with all my reading and understanding, I wrote a proposal for a field where I had no expertise.

Whatever it was, I was impressed by myself for doing something I didn’t know I was capable of. And since this proposal also secured my postdoc position, I think my postdoc advisor felt something similar.

So far, so good.

I came to the lab and started working, or you could say, active learning. Things went from overwhelming to okayish. Meanwhile, I had my own projects. One was the project I had written the research proposal for. Another was started by a previous postdoc, a comparatively less risky project with certain research direction that could secure me a paper after a while.

The big part

Slowly, I started to experience the difference between a PhD and a postdoc. The learning period was fine, but people around me were completely owning their work with their own unique ideas, and I was still trying to make a connection in my head with what was already in front of me. Doesn’t matter how many times I read the initial work, papers, I could not figure out why the previous colleague had focused on that particular protein or pathway. Or, why only a particular kind of question was asked, and really, what was the real purpose of the whole project.

I would start reading, and I would lose it in the middle. A lot of whys, and the project showed resistance getting inside my head.

I started doubting myself. Can I really progress here scientifically? Why is it too hard for me?

I gave up

Just a few days back, I literally gave up. It was enough. I was doing okay as a PhD student. And here, every day I was doubting if I could do it! Getting fed up with this daily, basic internal fight, I took another approach.

For a change, I stopped doubting my capabilities, and I started with a fresh approach. This time, I was not trying to prove I was scientifically sound. I already was. So what if it was not getting into my head because there was something missing that I could bridge? What would my approach be if I were presented with this question from scratch?

I went all the way back to the hypothesis. I sat with it on a blank slate. If I were presented with this particular research question, what would I do? I noted down all possible scenarios, then looked into the names of genes and proteins responsible for those scenarios. And then it hit me. The project was already designed to look into exactly those proteins.

Oh!! That is how this project was designed!!! 💡

There was nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with the project. I was not able to own it because I had not been given all the raw ingredients. The initial brainstorming had happened without me, and I was struggling with the basic whys without realising I was missing the starting point entirely.

It also became clear to me that the problems I had been facing were this: I didn’t realise what I was not understanding, and therefore I didn’t know what to ask.

That single shift in perspective, from “I don’t belong here” to “what is the science behind this,” changed everything. From that day, I noticed a subtle change in my attitude. Earlier, asking too many questions came with guilt. Oh, I don’t even know this. How bad!!!

Now, I want to learn every tip, every trick, every tiny insignificant piece of information, in a slightly shameless manner. Because my focus has shifted from “I am not enough” to “what is actually going on here.”

That also brought me to this realisation: You cannot focus on being self-conscious and completely absorbed in your work at the same time. So, focus on the right things, and the rest will follow.

It was a change of perspective that was needed all along.

Do share if you are also in the middle of self-doubts, and how it is affecting you.

Leave a comment

With that, see you next week. ☺️

Fascinating, right?

This is the exact visual I had when my postdoc advisor shared her experience from this week’s conference.

The question is, why this gathering, and what is there for you in this piece?

The gathering

Scientists from all across the world gathered in the Orthodox Academy of Crete, Greece, at a conference last week. They were given only 12 minutes to explain their science. Just 12 minutes to explain their years of hard work. Compact talks spanning seven days from all participants, and to take a break from those intense sessions, they were climbing down the building side to reach the ocean to disperse the heat. While cooling off in the water, they were discussing and exchanging ideas in small groups.

This week’s lab meeting started with such refreshing visuals, and somehow, everything this week became about how to present your work.

Later that day, my colleague presented her science, and as usual, the discussion and feedback from my advisor gave me a lot of insights. Two days later, one of my friends shared a one-hour lecture video by the late Professor Patrick Henry Winston, MIT computer scientist and former director of the MIT AI Lab, on “How to Speak.”

All these exposures were insightful and full of learnings. And I found them relevant not just for my coming science presentations, but also for my newsletter writing. Which made me realise something uncomfortable: I have been guilty of breaking almost every one of these principles at some point. Let me tell you what I mean.

Here is how I am compacting one week of learning into a few minutes for you.

Your presentation style matters as much as your knowledge

How is that even possible? Context matters. Let me explain.

Coming back to those ocean-dipping scientists, it doesn’t matter how meaningful their science is if they cannot package their work strategically. In 12 minutes, they either connect or they don’t. These connections matter because exchanging ideas and receiving feedback is what strengthens the work itself.

So what does good packaging actually look like? This is what I took away from my advisor and from Professor Winston, applied to both presentations and writing.

Start with the bigger picture

Why should anyone care about your presentation before you even begin? Deliver your promise upfront. Show the relevance of your work so your audience can connect immediately and give you meaningful feedback.

This is something I have been working on in my own writing. My earlier articles often started with me processing my thoughts out loud before arriving at the point. That is sometimes the nature of reflective writing. But there is a difference between taking the reader on a journey and making them wait too long to understand why they are on the journey at all.

However, because of all those previous writings, I can understand what to improve and how to improve it. So, process is all that matters the most. You cannot start perfectly. Never.

Cut the fluff

Too much text, too much detail: the audience loses the thread. Use visuals in presentations as much as possible.

In writing, this is more nuanced. Sometimes elaboration is necessary for storytelling. But cutting unnecessary detail still applies here. The question I now ask myself: is this sentence earning its place, or am I just thinking out loud on the page?

Fence your ideas

Clearly state what your ideas are and how they differ from others, or your audience will start connecting dots you never intended. I found this principle equally important for my own clarity before I even begin writing. If I cannot explain the boundary of what I am trying to say, I probably have not figured it out yet myself.

End on something memorable

Professor Winston’s original advice was to end with a joke, giving the audience the impression they had fun throughout. The reading experience is different from a live room, but the principle holds: end on something that makes the reader feel something. Not just informed, but glad they stayed until the end.

We all get several chances in our lives to make connections and leave an impression. You miss many of those chances if you cannot package your ideas well, regardless of how good those ideas actually are.

This piece is my attempt to do justice to a week’s worth of learning. And if you look carefully, I have tried to apply these principles here as well.

I hope it added some insights for you. Do leave a comment to share your views on it.

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Which is exactly what that quote of his did to me when I first heard it.

“Students shouldn’t go out into life without an ability to communicate”

With that, see you next week.

Roughly a year later, I am staying in a beautiful house in the USA for my postdoc, and on this Juneteenth long weekend, I have an itch to write so that I can figure out what is spinning my head. I do not even feel like entertaining myself with Netflix, because a discussion with a Buddhist monk from a week back is still agitating me, taking me back to that ‘Level two’ moment.

Words that came under my radar and are not leaving me

Awakening. Selflessness. Kindness.

I am learning Buddhism. Why? Because in this world of a lot of unanswered questions, Buddhism allows one not to believe something until one finds the truth by oneself. It shows you a path and lets you think and reflect on it. If something vibes, take it. Or else, reject it. No force.

While learning these teachings and feeling like a monk (sometimes, yeah!) myself, I started realising that I am still agitated. I am just accepting the learning without really accepting it. Doesn’t matter what science says; there is an ingrained belief system from growing up in a Hindu family that there is a force we call god who created this universe.

And my problem is this. Why make this game of life at all? If God is powerful enough to create life, why create it in the first place? Out of boredom? Why put living beings into some sort of cyclic existence where they do good and bad things, and eventually cleanse their karma to come out of that cycle? (And then go exactly where??? And what’s next? And where does it all end? If at all it is true!!! )

Why does one have to suffer at all if the creation of existence could have been prevented in the first place? Does anyone ask such questions? And if they do, does someone actually have some real answers that do not confuse you further?

Well, luckily, I have someone now to discuss these questions with. I am not just learning to ask questions in my lab, but also everywhere. How long will I keep them all in my mind, hoping that one day I will figure it all out by myself? So, I asked my questions to the Buddhist monk I am interacting with.

Take time to read and reflect

Every week, I put my curiosity and agitation in front of my teacher. And every week, something either gets clarified or gives me a direction to find my own answers. This week’s questions about cyclic existence, setting the correct motivation for meditation, and the creation of this world were answered with: we are not talking about the creator in Buddhism. Buddha showed the path of awakening. Hence, take some time to read and reflect; answers will follow.

From Pinterest

Awakening

Awakening, haan!!!

It reminded me of the way to the library, where it felt like the invisible wall between me and the staircase would crumble down into tiny square blocks, and I would be on level two of the life game. Is that what awakening looks like?

From that week, the word “awakening” knocked on my mind and gave me a visual of how it might look, several times.

Hey, wait, there is another theory I thought of. The day I will experience awakening, I will realise that everything was an illusion, and I am just some sort of atom among several others, capable of manifesting this existence into ANYTHING. Anything, such as a universe with such fine details. Or, it might look like a state of nothingness where everything will make sense. Or, nothing has to make sense or fight with any scientific rules or logic. And at this point, I am not sure if my words here are making any sense!!! 🙈

Basically, awakening could look/ feel like something beyond what humans can usually think. Without any known rules.

You see, my mind keeps giving me several ideas whenever this word “awakening” visits me. It somehow entered my conscious radar and has not left me in the last seven days. And just so I can understand what I am feeling about this word, I needed to write it down.

Dealing with care

Now let me tell you how I am dealing with it while “awakening” actively roams in my head. The monk also told me to give some time to read and reflect. So, with this curiosity, I am reading. And whenever you read something in search of an answer, your brain starts collecting the signals that are already there around us. And I am hopeful I will find mine.

So, different from my usual article, right?

But this is also a very important side of me. A seeker. I am seeking my answers in science, in spirituality, in the words of other people, and everywhere.

Perhaps, one day, something will click. And maybe it will bring me closer to answers. And then perhaps really my existence will be ready either for the next level, or to dissolve into nothingness. Or something that I cannot really comprehend with my brain now!!!

I really want to know that I am not alone in thinking this way. Let me know in the comments if you also find yourselves asking such questions. And what exactly do you think or believe about this living experience?

What can someone’s plan A even be? To me, it is the path I am walking by default: become a professor. But what if your plan A is also the riskiest one?

The MIT advice

Just a few months back, I had an opportunity to be in a discussion room with Dr. Ruth Lehmann, Director of the Whitehead Institute and Professor of Biology at MIT. An obvious point of discussion was: what after a postdoc? She agreed upon the uncertainty and diminishing job opportunities, and she discussed about having plan B, C, and D, so that you land a job position. She also pressed upon leaving a door open for anything that could become a full-time career. She gave several examples of scholars pursuing something entirely different from their years of expertise and being successful at it, because it was something they really cared about, and they did not limit themselves to plan A only. Also, someone in the audience suggested extending those backup options all the way from A to Z until you secure something.

As an early-career researcher, such exposure in the early days of my postdoc shifted something in me. I might forget her scientific talk almost entirely after some time, but I will never forget the future direction her words imprinted on my mind.

She left, but I have been collecting all possible opportunities I am passionate about ever since. Or probably I was keeping them in my heart earlier as well, but after that interaction, they came to the surface. With each passing day, any sign or cue makes me think of possible future opportunities again, and I feel I need to take action before it is too late.

The question that got me

One such cue came from an article written by , where these thoughts resurfaced again about diminishing job opportunities in life sciences. Through the comments on that post, I had an opportunity to interact with him this Saturday, where I discussed the by-default plan A that is very difficult to pursue, and the other plans that were confusing me. He asked a few questions to bring me closer to clarity. One of them was: what signs are you expecting from your plans that will make you feel “this is it”?

It was the first time someone asked me a question like that. The only sign I could think of during that meeting was something that can make me lose track of time, something which is completely my own creation (such as article writing or drawing!!!) Basically, creating something out of what I already know and feel.

With that in my mind, I discussed my ideas, and his next question was: “ What is stopping you from taking action?”

It really made me think. The entire discussion turned out to be very fruitful, as it gave me a direction to think and act upon.

The meeting was over, but I sat with his questions the whole day. Meeting with Edgar clarified a few things for me. Opportunities were already there for my plan B through Z. Only focused action was missing.

But where to focus?

The contradiction part

Now, here is a contradiction.

I am a big fan of Shaolin Kung Fu. This year, I have read a few books on this martial art, and I am also practising it myself. Being associated with Kung Fu always signals to me: less is more. You master one thing, and another will follow. A complete contradiction to keeping plans B through Z.

But that contradiction also reminded me that you cannot apply all rules everywhere and in every circumstance. Knowing the pros and cons of single-minded focus versus keeping multiple options open, one can decide what works best in their unique situation.

With that in mind, I am taking a middle path. I am selecting another plan among plans B through Z. And I am not calling it my plan B. I call my plans now plan A1 and A2. Focus is there, but time is divided.

Stay focused on plan A1 during the time I have dedicated to it. And in the remaining time, work on my creative plan A2, chosen consciously from everything else I was considering.

Focus is still the key. Just applied to two things instead of one.

What is your approach in such situations? Do let me know in the comments below.

☺️✌🏼

With that, see you next week!!!

The work plan for today was almost sorted. For some reason, I came to the lab with half sleepy eyes and, as per my plan, I started my day directly at my workbench. And my advisor came from behind with sparkly eyes: “Deep, come to my office, I have something to discuss with you.”

While still processing what she was going to say and struggling to open my eyes, I went to her office. She opened a doc file on a big screen and started discussing a finding that has opened a way to a new, promising project.

It’s been three months in the lab, and I have discussed at least tens of projects with my advisor till now. I have captured all the discussions from day one of the lab with whatever understanding I had. Sometimes half caught, sometimes entirely vanished from my memory. A few things got repeated in every meeting, and while revisiting my old notes, I can make sense of what has just been discussed. All the ideas acquired in whatever moment I found, recalled at the different corners of my notebook, loose pages, sticky notes. While revisiting them from time to time, I am now finally able to understand what I am doing.

So, while I was still making a picture out of her explanation of how neurons are born and some interesting signalling pathways at a specific stage, I found myself finishing her lines during the discussion.

Am I vibing with this project?

I could see myself learning a new technique and feeling passionate about a potential upcoming project. I could see myself reading about it, imagining cells’ choreography to guide correct neural connections. A feeling of an artist and scientist at the same time.

I did not understand how, at this very delicate moment, when I was still imagining the kind of experiments that could be planned to test this hypothesis, I was also thinking: I have found a topic to write for today’s newsletter. 😅

Don’t worry. This early, unexpected meeting happened successfully despite my occasional zoning out.

So, here is what I was thinking in parallel while discussing the project. All kinds of tactics might not work for everyone. But I am hopeful that it will give you some insight while choosing a research project.

What I really had no choice about

During my PhD, I had to change my lab in my fourth year and restart from scratch. That was a fight or flight condition for me. I was thrown into multiple projects at a time with the idea that any one of them might click and give me a research direction to complete my PhD, since I had already lost a big amount of time as well as my fellowship. Not an ideal condition. But I had to do it, or else goodbye to my dream of pursuing science.

So I had to compact the time of learning. I simultaneously started working on multiple projects. I failed faster in the span of eight to ten months, which usually could have taken two to three years. As a result, I also started getting results in one to two projects. That was the bottleneck period. From then onwards, I focused on what was working and directed all my energy to those selected projects.

A few things I learnt from those fight or flight days:

The initial year of a new lab is a period of learning. Do not limit yourself too quickly. Explore. Work on at least one project that has some lead already, as it gives you a safety net while you are finding your footing. Fail fast, but note down all your learnings and be mindful not to repeat the same mistakes. Read. Take time out for your health and creativity. That one is non-negotiable.

The experimentation time

While I have two ‘main’ ongoing projects in my new lab, I have kept myself open to new discussions. When a new idea comes up, I run it through a few quick filters before deciding where it fits:

Will it secure a co-authorship? Will it help me learn a technique I am going to use later? Does it genuinely catch my interest? Is the timeline compatible with what I am already doing?

Based on that, I set up some preliminary experiments to see if something is worth pursuing. In return, it builds my knowledge and opens future opportunities without derailing what is already in motion.

I have also realised that reading theory alone has a slippery effect on me. It just slips out. So I try to maintain a roughly equal ratio of reading and experimenting. As I see things progressing in the lab, the theory starts making more sense.

So during that meeting, this is exactly what I was doing in the background. It could have overwhelmed me entirely today. But due to my previous experience, even with half-open eyes, I could hear out the project and mentally place it somewhere useful. I knew what category it fell into and how it could fit into my research without tipping everything over.

I realised how overwhelming things can get because things genuinely are overwhelming sometimes. We add to it by focusing on the problem more than the opportunity. And we do not always have a mental map for the things we are juggling.

And that is what I was thinking during the meeting, while I was in awe of the science I am doing, also thinking here goes my n+1 project, and also knowing what I had to do with it.

Your time

Do let me know in the comments if you enjoy reading these kinds of insights. What other topics do you want me to write more about? Do share those tiny but significant mental roadblocks you experience during your academic journey.

See you next week.

Why am I feeling strange, and why does it feel like I was kept in the place of those larvae? Oh! Now I can remember. It was a very realistic dream I had last night, breathing underwater. I am telling you now, this dream is something I have been having very frequently ever since I came to the USA. More than thrice. And this one, unlike other dreams, I could recall. Hence, now, I call this one a statistically significant dream. The same real feeling of breathing inside water, as if I had developed gills just like Harry Potter did in one of the competitions during the Triwizard Championship.

Now I was curious. Is there any psychology behind it? There could be a meaning to this dream! Google suggested it reflects emotional mastery and resilience. Cool!

But is there any truth in it?

That day passed with a little bit of good moments, and a bit of findings that I had made some mistakes while doing imaging. A mistake that would cost me a week. So, with a bit of a bad mood, I planned for the next day and came back home.

Life inside the water

On Wednesday, I restarted imaging. Sitting for microscopy the whole day is very tedious because of a closed room with a lot of buzzing sounds of instruments that make you feel suffocated. But hey, that is an important part of my work. Finally, all the secrets of nature get revealed under supermagnifications.

During imaging, I realised I was easily doing it, as if breathing underwater.

I am working in the Drosophila model system where I study neuronal communication at a specific location of the muscle. Three months back, all muscles would look the same to me. I did not know how to find right muscles, adjust contrast enough so that I could get super informative images, did not know the different fly lines people are working with and their use. It was like learning a new language altogether. For one and a half months, I was shadowing senior colleagues almost entirely. When they would discuss anything, I would be blank, trying to figure out four different proteins and five different pathways they mentioned in a single sentence. Sitting entirely clueless in the neurobiology branch meeting. As if I were thrown into an ocean and did not know how to swim.

Meanwhile, I did what I could do best: drowning! Just kidding.

I focused on my plus points and started from there while learning this new language. I have a good hand in dissection, histology, and I am super resilient. So I started working, shadowing, learning, and just giving my best one day at a time. Things slowly started turning around.

Breathing underwater

This Monday’s lab meeting, the staff scientist of my lab asked my postdoc advisor, “Can Deep contribute to my paper? I would need her help.”

Well! At first, being trusted enough as a new postdoc to contribute to a field she was just learning was a big deal to me. Just two months back, things were gibberish. Now, when people speak, I might not be able to give any feedback, but the language is understandable to me. I am developing my gills.

Maybe Google was right after all. Emotional mastery and resilience. I just did not have the evidence yet when I was standing with that petri plate on Tuesday morning.

The mistake that cost me a week turned out to be a blessing. It slowed me down to be more focused. This opportunity took me back to revisit my last three experiments, the last three weeks. And I realised that muscles which were not identifiable to me three weeks back are visible now. It was because of all the mistakes I had made, and most importantly, the learning that came from those mistakes.

And that was the reason I was able to do imaging like a pro on that Wednesday that initially felt like it was setting me back.

Many times, progress can never be identified with the amount of data. It is all about the quality of data. For a newbie who is learning the ways, all these tiny mistakes can cost a lot of resources and time in the later period when I am deep into my research work.

I know that one year from now, my topic of discussion on Substack can be different and will be more specific. I might not remember the tiny details of these struggling days that made me breathe under the water. But this very moment is precious, where I know my struggles and the minute shifts that are making me grow into my future self. The phase prepping me for metamorphosis.

If you are inside such a situation that looks very tough, and you feel like drowning, know that you can start from the very next thing that is visible to you. Just focus on your next immediate step. Keep learning along the way, keep your mind open, and remember that mistakes are opportunities to be better.

So just like those larvae, I can survive the submerged state. Because metamorphosis is waiting ahead.

Do share your stories in the comments. What kind of struggles you are facing right now. What kind of microwins & microsteps you have taken, or you can take? Tell me more about you as well!!! : )

But, just like my PhD thesis objectives, I thought an article could be a series of short reflective observations of a week. With that thought, let’s get started.

The bigger picture

In a fine Monday lab meeting, we were having a quick update about our work, where everyone was trying to understand everyone else’s work. We have electrophysiologists, biochemists, and cell biologists in our lab. That means everyone has a different kind of expertise and understanding about a subject. Even though we are all working to solve the same problem in the same lab, either as postdocs or staff scientists, it is complex to understand the minute details of each other’s work.

So, when a person tries to explain their work, a very obvious question comes up: What is the purpose of your work, and how is it related to the bigger picture?

On which, our advisor chuckled: “You guys always want to understand the bigger picture when it comes to others’ work, but barely ask this question to yourselves!”

It made me think much later. It’s not like we do not think about the bigger picture of our work. It is just that most of the time, the picture blurs as we get deeper and deeper into our work.

Before coming to this lab, the bigger picture was very clear to me and I kind of mapped out my whole postdoc journey more or less while I wrote a research proposal to show my understanding to my advisor.

But when I started my work, I started losing sight of my goal. So we all, kind of, started from a more or less clear head with a direction. But along the way of research, the road bifurcates in several directions, and things get blurred.

We get a result, we ask another question. This next question might be a very strong question to ask. But does that also mean it is adding up to your overall bigger research question?

I find these group discussions and ‘presenting your work’ with other supportive groups very essential and a good practice, so that your bigger picture stays in sight while you are doing your quality research.

The patterns

Now, coming to the ‘presenting your work’ part. Some initial research findings in our lab opened the way to another research question. So, at a conference, my advisor presented our lab’s work and future directions for the research. Many scientists from different areas of expertise at that conference shared their thoughts on it.

All these scientists were of different backgrounds. For example, scientists who study membrane biology and know the ins and outs of vesicle fusion can think in that particular direction, linking our neuronal signalling field, which we cannot think about. And this is how everyone’s approach to the same research question will be different.

That is why, when you present your work in a crowd of diverse expertise, something might click that you never thought of earlier. So, after that conference, my advisor came up with many ideas, and that project was handed over to me.

While reading about those ideas, I found out these approaches are entirely different from what we do. But they are clearly giving insights about many potential candidate pathways, mechanisms and proteins that might be players behind the phenomenon we are trying to understand.

When we formulate a research question based on some observation, we set up experiments, get results and then comes the real deal. Interpreting results is more complex than it seems. Many times, many things are right there in front of our eyes, but it is the right question, small observations and interpretation that make big breakthroughs.

The open mind

I want to continue on these big breakthroughs in this section as well.

Quality work and quality research cannot be done in a vacuum. I have seen almost all institutes putting this idea of attending seminars and sharing your work as a necessary thing. But we barely take it seriously.

Why waste hours every week listening to someone talk about their work in depth when we can work on our publications!

I am in the same category. I do not like attending many mandatory talks, and many times understand almost nothing. At the same time, I also believe that when you are doing in-depth research, attending another person’s talk in even a distantly similar field can be insightful, given you are open to the ideas and can clarify all your doubts.

Because it is patterns that we are studying across nature. It is not just limited to what we observe in shapes. For example, we are familiar with structural similarity between: cosmos and eyes, tree branches and neuronal dendrites. However, the patterns are also followed at the molecular level. And all discoveries lie in the smallest observations.

So, the piece of your bigger picture can be found by observing the small details and following patterns. And, discussing work with bigger groups (other than your lab) is a potential place where one can find many patterns that can help them understand their own work from different lenses. And who knows, something clicks!!!

I wish you all the best for your research. And see you next week.

Note: These are my observations. Feel free to share if you disagree. Or if you want to add anything to it. I am also learning. I would like to hear it from you. : )

Do I have sufficient relevant information to present? Should I focus on a specific topic? Why do I even need to write?

Things turned so mechanical that writing, which I was enjoying very much, turned into something I was forcing myself into. I became very self-conscious, filtering out topics, thinking this is not worth sharing. And I ended up having nothing to write at all.

But this week, something clicked. And ironically, it came during a presentation.

The fourth slide problem

I started working as a postdoc at NIH three months ago, researching communication between neurons and muscles. This week, one of our lab colleagues was promoted to staff scientist, and he had to deliver one of the neurobiology branch talks. A talk where big shots (including Gruber Genetics Prize 2026 holder, Dr. Alan G. Hinnebusch) of a close affinity group sit in the first row, carefully observing, commenting, and dissecting your work.

It is, in a simple word, very “intriguing.”

This colleague of mine is nothing less than an advisor in terms of depth of knowledge. I had the privilege of listening to his first demo talk. He summarized his 7-8 years of work in a 45-minute presentation.

And there you go. Fourth slide, I lost. My mind couldn’t connect the dots.

I thought it must be because I’m new to this area.

Now, you must be thinking: Neurobiology research is already something very niche. So everyone working in the same branch should easily understand each other’s work in depth!

But that is not the case.

To date, I’ve attended 10-12 departmental seminars where I lost the presentation after a couple of slides. I thought it was me. But over time, when I heard people asking questions, I realized that many had lost it, even people working in neurobiology for 10+ years.

So I admitted it: “I couldn’t understand the first half of the presentation. The later part I understood a little better because I’m also working on that now.”

The simplification stage

That week passed. And now the same colleague presented the same slides to the rest of the lab members, including our advisor.

Our advisor started giving feedback from slide 2 onwards: “Too much! Too complicated! Your audience will lose it! Clear the slide! Delete this information! Simplify this!”

After taking all suggestions from the advisor and labmates, the entire presentation was super simplified. Surprisingly, it still contained the main idea and research findings, but the dots were easy to connect. The rest of the data was kept in the following slides so that if specific questions arose, the in-depth data could be explained.

And that’s when it hit me

It made me realise two things:

1. Being self-critical is good, but always believing that you know less can also diminish your active learning and question-asking capabilities.

I thought I was lost because I didn’t know enough. But actually, the presentation was objectively too complex for the audience, even for people who’ve been in the field for years.

2. The way you understand your work and the way others will understand your work is very different. During a presentation, less is more.

If you can explain your work to the newest person in your department, people will be able to understand and give you better feedback.

And suddenly, my writing block made sense.

And there goes my writing...

I realized that my area of interest is finding small but significant reflections about everything happening around me: be it getting lost in a presentation, finding out how my perspective on presenting my work needed to be changed, how I perceived something wrongly, etc., etc. And I know it is a common problem that I experience and the way something clicks, and I change my course of action. So, that is my part. And I was trying to fit in a box that made me lose my interest in writing for a while.

I started overcomplicating my writing. Filtering out ideas. Thinking I needed to be an expert in something other than what I was writing, to have “sufficient relevant information” before I could share anything. Believing that if I didn’t know everything, I shouldn’t write anything.

It was never about me “needing” to write anything. It was more about me “wanting” to write. And that is why it all started in the first place.

Writing, or building any habit, is never smooth. A little diversion of the goal over time and a little shift of the question you attach to your habit can change the whole course of your journey.

So here I am. With a clear head, and completely aware that this clarity needs to be revisited time and time again to enjoy what I’m doing.

And I’m being more open to asking questions as frequently as possible. Because to solve a problem or a query, you need to ask what exactly you’re not understanding. And that opens a way to the solution.

Hence, keep reminding yourself of all important things as many times as needed.

Even inside a niche neurobiology area, there is another hyper-niche that will be difficult for anyone to understand. Every research and approach is unique. And every writer’s journey is unique too.

That’s the lesson I’m taking forward.

Do share: Do you also feel lost during presentations and hesitate to speak it out? And in your own work or writing, do you ever catch yourself overcomplicating things?

That’s not the point. The next bus was just after 10 minutes. But we were impatient. We walked towards the metro stop (8 minutes walk) to avoid getting delayed. And it made me question: Why am I rushing this much?

Image source: Pinterest

Deep! Slow down

It started in the second week in my new lab. Dissection of fly larvae and learning lots of other things. I knew a bit of it, so I was working at my own pace. My advisor saw me, and the first instruction came: Deep! Slow down.

Don’t rush dissections. You might end up with damaged tissues, where you have to study the neuronal communication.

Within one month, I’ve heard the same instruction, 4-5 times, from different places: Slow down. At the counselor’s office, a senior postdoc, my boss, the books I’m reading, my tai chi and kung fu teacher (Shifu).

The leaky pot

Meanwhile, I started learning Buddhist teachings by coming into contact with a few Buddhist monks and books suggested by them. I used to read them while I commute, or listen while I walk.

Multitasking.

So, the other day, I read about types of learning minds: one type was the leaky pot. That means: reading something while you watch TV, or reading in some crowded, noisy place where your attention is divided. In such a time, you cannot get the best out of the learning. Your mind will keep shifting focus with someone’s talk, honking, or something else. So, the learning will not give you the best output. You will keep pouring something into a leaky pot.

And I realized, I was reading it on a bus, so I immediately closed the book. Because I found myself in the exact state of mind. I was attentive to the bus stops so I wouldn’t miss my stop while I was reading that book. I realized that I’m trying to juggle things, multiple at a time. And this Buddhist teaching is not something I started to pass an exam at some fixed time. I wanted to learn because I want to understand my own human nature. How will I ever improve if I take it as a duty or a task to tick off?

Another example was the ‘dirty pot’ state of mind: Even if you read something for an hour and feel very wise about it, but you keep practicing something mindless the rest of the day, the learning will be of no use, or will have very minimal effect on you.

So, something, probably at the nano level, shifted inside me that day.

The Tai Chi class

It was my hearty desire to learn kung fu for the last 3-4 years. But I never thought I’d ever get this opportunity, or that I was too old for this. But it started with reading a book: Shaolin Spirit by Shi Heng Yi. And while getting overwhelmed in a new country and new sets of personal challenges, I took refuge in some mental and physical training and ended up learning Kung Fu and Tai Chi.

The very first movement I learned in the class was a mindful, super-slow walking movement synced with breath. The warm-up for the Tai Chi class started with 15-20 minutes of super-slow walking.

A girl who is not ready to wait for the bus for even 10 minutes was walking, balancing, focusing, and breathing, synced with a walk for 20 minutes to an hour!!!

My Tai Chi classmates and I were performing the movements slowly. But our Shifu instructed us: ‘You guys are going too fast. Slow down.’

We slowed down a little bit more.

The moment stopped.

It was just a walk with our focus on the front wall, far from us. Whoever was losing their focus was losing their balance. So, just breathe in and breathe out, and focus, and the movements, and we were moving towards the wall, slowwwlllyyyyyy.

That’s the time I realized I was doing something against my nature. I can be super slow, yet no harm has happened in my life!!! I was in the now. Thoughtless, some calming and slow Chinese music in the background, and I slowly found I was syncing my movement with the slowness and calmness of that music.

Slow down: you will be fine

All these practices made me realize that I can be slow and life will be good.

Nowadays, there’s a lot of work piling up in my day-to-day life. I feel overwhelmed with it. Unconsciously, I think about how to finish them all, all the time, and I feel exhausted. Then I recall my learnings of slowing down and breathing into it very frequently nowadays.

This nano-shift is really shifting something. And the activities I’ve enrolled myself in remind me of the same thing: Slow down, every moment.

This week’s lesson

This week’s newsletter’s first draft was written two days in advance: on Tuesday. After a super busy but fulfilling day at the lab, I went to the tai chi class. And it made me realize something very important. So, I thought to write my first draft today in the form of this article before it evaporates. So, instead of ending my day, I am drafting this article with half-sleepy eyes.

In my Tai Chi class, I’m doing well (In my head! 😅). And I’m eager to learn more as I barely make it to class on weekdays. So I asked Shifu: ‘Suggest to me what practices I should do to do better’ (always in some kind of race!).

To which my Shifu replied: ‘Less is more. Repeat the practice of what you have already learned. Breathe in and out completely while doing the movements, keeping your posture right. Let the breath flow freely inside the body and get absorbed in the movements. Enjoy this journey.’

What is shifting in me

Nowadays, I’m more mindful while I walk. I remember when I first came to the USA. I used to walk slowly, appreciating the snow, the scenery, the fragrance mixed in the air, new bird species, new flowers, the architecture of the houses, the peculiar earthy smell of underground metro stations that I absolutely, deliciously love.

I used to observe how, on average, people walk at a faster pace, even on escalators, as if they’re in a super hurry.

Within a month, a change happened. I became those people. I walk faster, I walk past people standing on the right side of the escalator, and I am one of those people who are in a super hurry.

So, now I’m consciously doing the unbecoming of what I am becoming.

I realized that even if I do miss a few things from my to-do list, my world won’t be over. Even if I don’t walk past those high-speed walkers, I’ll reach the lab on time. A few minutes late won’t harm me at all. I can wait for 10 more minutes for the next bus, and everything around me will be just fine. I am reminding myself very frequently: breathe in and out completely. Let the life flow.

Because it’s not about the destination anymore. It’s about the journey. A journey that is flowing in the now.

Do let me know if you relate to this post. Do you think slowing down is needed for you? And if yes, will you take action to slow down?

Image source: Pinterest

Thursday newsletter day, and I'm too deep in the lab to draft something new. So here's a piece from last year that I keep coming back to. The question hasn't changed: Where is your mind?

Some questions keep coming back. You forget them for a while, and then life places you in the same spot again, and they return.

It happens when you are just doing things for the sake of doing them. Days go on, habits continue, but your mind is somewhere else.

And then, one day, you see someone doing the same thing with full energy, with all their attention in it.

That’s when the question hits you again: “Where is your mind?”

Origin of this question.

This question is not mine to start with. It is the story of my 2nd year of PhD. I reckon that a few things are not working, and I started doing my experiments just for the sake of doing it.

I had my month, week, and days planned in advance, as crisp as possible. I was following everything.

Everything, mechanically.

On the day of data presentation, I showed all my work to my PhD advisor, explaining what worked, what did not. And he was not interested at all in that data. After listening to me, he asked a question: ‘Your mind is not in the game, where is it?’

He got me. 🙌🏼 Me… Busted… Crickets!!!

The question stayed with me in the same tone he asked.

Why did I ask this question today?

I am building my digital writing empire. My dream project. Just like all other things, not all days are the same.

A few days — you are full of motivation, a few days — nothing. (Oh My God! I just used that notorious Em dash. LOL!)

While fluctuating here to there, I try to maintain a bare minimum of work to keep me in momentum and fight inconsistency. My empire is not in a running mode, but at least I’m part of my chosen race.

Today, I was reading the story of an Entrepreneur who made it grand. I could see how these people are going all in. Their mind, head, heart, skin, and everything go into building their games.

And a voice appeared in my head — Your mind is not in the game, where is it?

Well! I didn’t know the answer then, and I do not know now either.

But it is also not about answering this question. A few questions are there just to remind you that you can do it better.

I wrote this 6 months ago. The question still comes back. This week, it returned while I was juggling five lab projects, eating Indian takeout, and wondering if I'm truly present in any of it. Some questions just need to keep asking…

The rollercoaster ride

As I wrote, I started seeing my mind more clearly.

As I started writing, I went through a lot of confusion: use of AI, the right platform, the right intention, setting a writing goal, the right structure of an article, the right niche, nicheless... You know, a lot of confusion!

Many times I thought, I’m done.

I wrote on different topics. Tried to bind myself to a specific topic and hated it immediately. Changed my bio countless times. Made digital products. Wrote on LinkedIn and got 75k views.

And then came the bullets.

Comments like: “This is the kind of propaganda people use to sell their products.” “If people start taking your advice on this platform, they are already doomed.” (Yeah! Something like that actually happened)

These comments hurt me very badly, as if I was doing something wrong. Every new comment started raising my heartbeat… What if someone else thinks I’m doing something wrong by trying to educate students about how to do their PhD on time?, or I am doing something wrong!

I stopped writing for a while.

Meanwhile, many students reached out with their problems because they related to my posts. To help them, I made digital products. I helped 19 students with those products. I eventually thought of selling them so I could convert my skills into something monetizable, so I could live my dream.

But those few comments discouraged me a lot. Having no niche and no direction made me question whether I was wasting my time here, and I am not good enough to have this wild, crazy dream!!!

What changed (and what didn’t)

I won’t say everything is sorted.

But when I look back, this writing made me learn a lot in just one year.

The numbers: 90+ articles on Medium, 40 articles on Substack, 60+ articles on LinkedIn. Topics included education, books, spirituality, health, fitness, weather, “I don’t know what to write today”, I mean, I wrote about everything. No niche. Just me, thinking out loud.

The growth: I feel up-to-date in this AI era. I can write about any topic and use different AI tools without losing my identity. I’ve gone from someone who was terrified of comments to someone who feels comfortable commenting and connecting with people. When something happens now, my mind automatically goes into: How do I make an article out of this? It’s more like therapy for me.

Initially, I was looking for likes, comments, and subscribers more. Now I do as well, but now it feels natural posting things even when no one is watching.

And right now, on this fine Thursday after coming from my lab fully exhausted, knowing I have to publish an article as my Thursday newsletter, knowing that here I am my own boss, so I can skip this week, but still sitting here on my laptop drafting an article at the last moment is not a force.

Writing is something where I unwind myself.

My articles might not follow a perfect format, but I know they might be helpful to someone out there trying to cross their starting line.

What one year of writing gave me

It started with a video by Ali Abdaal with Nicolas Cole. I saw that if Ali Abdaal, who started with social media while living a hectic doctor’s lifestyle, could do it, I could too. I was already journaling for years to process my thoughts, so I thought: this is something I can definitely try where I don’t have to face a camera or do anything I don’t know how to do.

Let me tell you what happened next:

Writing helped me connect with beautiful souls around the world: students, professors, poets, bestsellers, philosophers, book lovers. I got opportunities to interact with them, many of them.

Nineteen students reached out because they related to my posts. I helped them with the digital products I created. I got to know that I have some skills with which I can help others. And I met many people from whom I’m learning a lot. I read many authors, and they inspire me a lot.

This writing built a character and a different kind of confidence that I cannot explain in words. I’ve gone from being an ‘almost invisible creature on social media’ to someone who naturally shares, comments, and connects. I’ve learned to use AI tools, write across platforms, and most importantly, I’ve learned to keep showing up even when the comments sting.

That dream of being my own boss isn’t literally happening now because of my other commitments, but I know at any point in time where I have to start.

If you’re reading this and wondering...

So, if today you find this article and are thinking whether it’s worth trying or not: just go for it.

It is definitely worth your time.

Even if you’re invisible on social media. Even if you’re camera-shy. Even if you have no idea what to write. Even if you’ve been thinking “one day I will” for years. Even if you’re terrified of criticism.

Yes, some comments will sting. Some people will question your intentions. Some days you’ll wonder if you’re wasting your time.

But here’s what I know now: The connections I made didn’t happen because I had a perfect niche. The growth didn’t come from having it all figured out.

It came from showing up. Again and again. Even when my heart was racing from a harsh comment. Even when I had no idea what I was doing.

One year ago, I didn’t know what I was doing. I still don’t always know. But I showed up. And that made all the difference.

Happy anniversary to this writing journey, and thank you to all the readers, supporters, friends, and anyone who is finding my page for the first time!!!

Cheers to the growth!!!☺️✌🏼

A few weeks back, I was preparing for my presentation. This article is a follow-up on that. You can think of it as the post-presentation article.

I thought I would have a mix of good and bad experiences. I’d work on my weaknesses and move on. In a way, I was right. But I also had more realizations about the situation I was in than I expected.

Pre-presentation: The preparation

As I explained in my previous article, I was using NotebookLM to revise my own work. I knew the kind of work my lab was doing, so I anticipated questions and prepared answers. Even before NotebookLM, I used to prepare my presentations like that: there should be a flow, links, and simplicity with which you can explain your science. And you anticipate questions from the audience and practice answers.

I asked myself a lot of questions to bring back clarity on my own work. It had been more than a year since defending my thesis, so my memory wasn’t sharp enough to recall all the examples and the flow I used to have during my PhD.

The format of my meeting: 40 minutes of presentation followed by 15-30 minutes of question-answering.

Simple enough, right?

The presentation day: When plans fall apart

My new lab was ready to learn what my work was. The presentation started.

Slide one, line one——interruption. A question dropped within a minute.

The meeting format was destroyed. All the presentation flow was gone. It became an open room for discussion.

Each and every part of my thesis work was dissected openly and finely with a lot of whys and hows. A few things I could answer. A few made me think, Why did I never think of that? A few things I admitted I didn’t know. And a few things made me realize I was having difficulty admitting that I didn’t know.

It was as if my brain was kept there— opaque at the start, then turned transparent so everyone could see through.

The meeting that was supposed to last for 1 hour lasted for 2 hours. And since I still wasn’t able to finish my presentation, it continued until the next week. Another meeting. Another 2 hours.

Total: 4 hours. And by the end of it all, my strengths and weaknesses were out in front.

The Realizations

1. Ask more “Whys” when you do your research

Even though we know we should ask more questions to clarify doubts, we often hold back.

During my presentations, I dealt with some real high-level questions and a few very basic questions. I don’t have much regret about not knowing the super high-level questions: every lab has limitations in terms of funding and expertise.

But there were a few very basic and simple questions that made me realize I should have asked myself these while doing my work.

I’m past that phase now. But if you’re currently doing research work, ask yourself: Why am I doing this? What’s the real purpose? How is this study relevant?

Ask yourself as finely as possible. Discuss it with your advisor or colleagues. If you’re not feeling comfortable asking questions that make you sound or feel stupid, or if you’re not getting satisfying answers, find them yourself. Educate yourself. You’ll find solutions to most of your scientific queries online, and then discuss them with your advisor.

2. Attitude toward presentations

My presentation was 10x tougher than even my PhD thesis defense. At times, I felt so stupid presenting my work anymore. The meeting room was tense. Everyone was looking deeply into each and every figure panel, graph, conclusion, even the title of the slide.

But something happened after my presentation that changed my entire perspective.

Post-presentation: The surprise

Everyone left the meeting room. I stayed behind, turning off my laptop, feeling a bit of disappointment. But I couldn’t have prepared more. So it is what it is. I couldn’t have done anything more than that, short of restarting my life and doing everything “correctly,” if the word “correct” even has a black-and-white meaning.

I stepped out of the meeting room. A senior colleague was waiting outside for me.

“Hey, you did really well. Good job.”

Is he consoling me? I thought.

“Thank you so much,” I said, trying to smile genuinely. Probably succeeded.

I dumped my bag on my desk and started my experiment. My postdoc advisor came to my workplace with a wide smile and excitement.

“Hey, it was a really good discussion!”

Really? I thought.

One by one, all my lab members came and told me the overall presentation was good. A few of them explained, “This is how presentations happen here. People go deep into the whys and analyze your work from different angles. These presentations are made to challenge your work so you can clearly see what’s lacking and broaden your horizon. It challenges you as a scientist and improves your analytical skills, along with your understanding and criticism.”

The bigger picture

Later, I got an opportunity to attend a neurobiology departmental seminar. Now, scientists from the whole department were sitting in a room, listening to the work and dissecting the work of the presenter. Purely to understand from different perspectives. Or to challenge if there were some loose ends.

I saw people feeling unable to respond to questions, not because they did a loose work, but because they simply couldn’t think of that perspective. And this is why these meetings are so intense.

I was really happy seeing this. Because here, criticism is there for you to do good science. It’s a kind of quality control.

As a presenter, you learn about your data presentation, storytelling, and scientific depth. As an audience member, you learn about different research work, their approaches, your own question-asking skills, and so on.

So it was a really enriching experience that never came to my mind while preparing my presentation.

My experience

I’ve never seen such a positive audience before. But as researchers, if we’re sound from our side, all questions are either a learning opportunity, where you can accept you don’t know and it can be considered, or you can defend your side knowing your ins and outs.

The 4-hour dissection turned out to be one of the most valuable learning experiences I’ve had. Sometimes the things that feel the hardest are exactly what we need.

What are your thoughts on this?

I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

Yesterday I worked until 7 pm and realized I'm falling into the same pattern that burned me out during my PhD.

It’s been roughly three weeks in my new lab. I’m bombarded with new information, new techniques, paperwork, settling in, and emotional turmoil: ALL AT ONCE.

In the initial days, I was full of doubts about whether I could survive here. But amid all the busyness and imperfections, self-doubt left the chat. I am here already, perfectly imperfect, and I have seen many just like me. Over time, I’ve also understood that the area I was focused on doesn’t really matter. All that matters is what’s next!

Identifying your weakness is one thing. From there, there are two routes: staying there or taking steps for ‘what’s next.’

The work-life balance

When I was at home preparing for my postdoc, I was determined to explore my hobbies alongside work. But I can see myself being consumed by work once again. There’s some sort of competitive mindset at play, an old habit of getting things done in a planned, crisp manner. And the tendency to numb my senses with work. The only thing that’s changed is awareness.

I’m aware of the progress, agitation, uncertainty, achievement, and anger (to some extent). I guess this is the right time for me to mindfully set a course for my life, just like that ship in the ocean. This mild shift now will take me roughly to my right destination.

Yesterday, I came back from the lab around 8 pm. It’s only been three weeks here in the lab. I started at 9 am with just a 20-minute lunch break and working late by 7- 7:30 pm. Why? Because at the end of the day, I discovered the experiment I was doing was incomplete, and I had to fix it right then. Hence, it was too late. There were some positive results, and my colleagues were happy.

For me, I’m still too new to understand the gravity of mistakes or to celebrate positive results properly. I just knew I was feeling nicely irritated about working my ass off without any outside life. And my entire week remained more or less like that.

Setting boundaries

Postdoc or PhD is not just about getting your mind into the work and giving your dedication. I’m on the other side now. I’ve learned to be dedicated. I’ve also learned that not everyone is made to sleep-wake-breathe-and-live science all the time. A balance is needed. One needs to set some boundaries before being consumed by the work.

Right now, I’m in a perfect position to either numb my life with work and chasing science and publications all the time, or slow down a bit to give time to other aspects of my life that give a bit more meaning to this existence.

Waking up, going to the lab, working hard, coming back fully exhausted, this is not the life I want. I will work to change this. Because I am done living in autopilot mode. This is the same pattern I followed in my PhD. I have seen some success. But that is not the success I am chasing anymore.

I might not be the right person to give my comments on other aspects of life. But here, to every student, PhD, and postdoc, we have a choice. Every area of our lives requires some sacrifices. So choose consciously. Do the risk analysis based on your current state of life and future goals. And live with your own chosen consequences.

Even after being this careful, a few things will still be out of your hands. All we can do is control the controllable.

Nothing new, right? There is nothing new. Sometimes all we need is a reminder.

Let’s get in tune with our lives! Have a good day (or night, for EST people)…

PS: This post was written on March 20th, a week back. This section is a last-minute addition. Based on all the above realizations, I immediately enrolled myself in some physical and mental fitness activities. It's been just a week, and I'm already feeling better.

For a researcher, understanding research papers and doing scientific experiments are their daily work, the normal ones.

However, a normal work of researchers, are not ‘that’ normal to understand. Thanks to this Sciastra podcast, this article is coming into existence. There’s some really cool stuff these ‘normal’ practices involve, stuff through which this world understands nature and ourselves.

This podcast inspired me to bring my learnings to light and simplify the research to a broader audience.

The inspiration behind this article (and the coming ones)

Recently, I watched a video made by two fellow students from the institute where I completed my PhD. These two students created a company based on their “general knowledge” about getting into research in India. Many of us initially thought this wasn’t a huge gap to fill. We were wrong.

Their company is growing. Students across India interested in biology, who previously thought their only option was the medical field, are discovering they can also pursue research.

Their work is making a real impact. And it made me realize something: I need to start sharing the science I’m learning here, and what I’ve learned before. The insider information.

About the coming articles

Here’s what these upcoming articles will do:

Simplify research so you can understand what’s actually happening in labs, not just the polished results you see in headlines, but the questions, the experiment setups, the use of model organisms (or, what are model organisms!!!), the small victories that never make it into papers, etc., etc.

Show you the wider perspective so you can see how research connects to your life, your curiosity, and the world around you, even if you’re not a scientist.

Invite your questions because different perspectives and different angles always strengthen research. Your questions might be exactly what’s missing from the conversation.

This will be a learning experience for both of us. Whenever you try teaching something, your understanding gets better.

These scientific articles will run alongside the personal growth and life lessons I already share here.

I’m not entirely sure where this series will take us. Maybe it’ll help students who feel stuck between “medicine or nothing.” Maybe it’ll help curious minds who’ve always wondered what researchers actually do. Or, it’ll just help me understand my own work better by explaining it to you.

Maybe all of the above.

So here we are. Which itself sounds like an experiment!!! 😄

See you on the other side.