I had previously created a Corn-Maze entrance through Farmer Noka’s crop circles, but this is the first actual level. Before we jump straight in, I present this side-view of the megadungeon. This side view will get more detailed as I create level 2 (Xvarts!) and level 3 (Goblins!) and whatever comes after that. Please note that I replaced the pile of stuff in the original cornmaze with a well that leads straight down to a level 4 treasure pile that is guarded by a Grell.

So here, without further ado, is my entrance to the Jeffro Johnson Dungeon Contest. #Dungeon26

The Sideview (such as it is)-

Some of the above will make more sense when you read the below…

The Map

Start in Room 1. The Green section is the Kobold Living Quarters. The Blue section is the Kobold Recreation Area. The Orange section is the Kobold Mining Operation. The Yellow section is the Kobold Treasury.

The Encounter Table

• Inspiration for Farmer Piechoky’s Inbred Children - X-Files Episode “Home”

• Wolverine Gibberlings with silver infused skeletons, a bone is worth 200 sp. An intact skeleton is worth 2,000 sp. - Brown & Yellow costume, Bub.

• Goth Teenagers playing with a Ouija Board - Using board summons Imp named Shagduk on 1in6.

The Room Key -

I’m going to break these out by quadrants. The first room is a doozy, but it sets the tone. They won’t all be like it.

1. A 30’ ladder strains from the open hole at the top down to the center of the room.

   1. Trap! 20’ down the ladder there is a Metal Rung which will glitter for anyone with light who is looking. (Kobolds know not to step on it.) If stepped on, it has 2 mechanical levers that extend as it is depressed. These levers push the risers far enough apart that the rungs fall out. Stepper drops 20’ (2d6 fall damage), adjust damage for height of people above or below him on ladder when it comes apart. Anyone descending with iron spikes and ropes will not need to worry of course.

   2. At floor level there are a dozen women, children and a few old men, frozen like statues, deeply covered in dust and cobwebs, motionless. These are the camp followers from the side of Law on that fated battle from a century ago. There is a thick berm of ash, cutting an arc in the group, marking the daily passage of the sun, streaming down along the ground through the hole above. Clawed tracks lead from the base of the ladder to the archway in the north wall. A few people along the path have had feces smeared on their faces, stale urine on their legs. One has a sign about their neck scrawled in Koboldic: “idiot”. There is a faint muttering at the low end of human hearing that fills the room. If searched for an ancient Magic Mouth will be found whispering on one wall. If silenced or dispelled, the camp followers will awaken and charge up the ladder, where they will age 1 year for every minute they remain in sunlight.

2. Large Room. Stone floor. 5 exits. There is a wagon with a broken axle in the center. The wheels are stuck in the stone as if it were mud. 6 sacks of 500 cp each are on the wagon. Koboldic Graffiti: “Leave coppa! Take silva to treasury!” (remember encumberance! - most 11 STR men will be maxed out on one bag, not to mention their gear)

   1. South Door - Fancy, painted red and purple. Locked and Stuck fast. (To Recreation)

   2. East Door - Iron Door, Locked, needle trap in handle - save vs poison or die. (To Treasury)

   3. North - Open Passageway (to Mine)

   4. West - Normal Door -not stuck (To Living Quarters)

Kobold Recreation -

3. Kobold Latrine, well-used, foul

4. Kobold Lounge. There is a stage, a bar and several tables.

   1. Behind the bar are 12 bottles of spirits, 2 potions of healing, a keg of ale and a large sack of peanuts.

   2. On the stage is a Piano with a tip jar containing: 100 cp, 20 sp, 5 gp. Also on stage are 5 other various instruments (each worth 2d6 * 100 sp). The piano’s probably worth a fortune, but how will you get it up the ladder?

   3. Secret door to Area 6 (Underground Kobold Boxing Ring)

   4. Secret door to Area 5 (Kobold Zoo)

5. Kobold Zoo! The zoo is filled with smaller cages. It is contiguous with area 7, the Giant Weasel Exhibit. Unlike the Weasel Cage, these ones have only one layer of bars, but they are close together enough to keep the occupants from escaping.

   1. Marvel at the Caged Giant Badger! - MM 8

   2. Thrill to the Huge Spider! - MM 90

   3. Get a load of the Wild Boar! - MM 11

   4. Chortle at the Farm Hand! - MM 66

6. Underground Kobold Boxing Ring. Place your bets!

   1. 2 Kobold Guard-Level Boxers Sparring each other!

   2. NE Corner has viewing windows to Area 9

   3. Secret door through Locker Room to Area 5 (Kobold Zoo)

7. Giant Weasel Exhibit. This cage is large enough for the Weasel to pace, and has a double row of offset bars. They are easy to see through (if you brought a light source), but impossible to shoot through.

   1. The Weasel has a Silver Collar (600 gp) and is walking funny because someone has pushed two pair of Boots of Elvenkind onto his four feet.

   2. There is a button on the wall. If pressed it will open all the cages. If he is conscious, the Farm Hand will try to get them to push the button to release him.

8. Aquarium. This room has three large tanks lining the walls, and a 5 gallon bowl on a pedestal.

   1. Boggle at the Lampreys! MM 59

   2. Stare at the Eyeless Albino Giant Pike! MM 78

   3. Dip some tasty Goldfish for that Identify Spell!

   4. Treasure! In the center of the room is a pedestal with a bowl of 3 Barglean Actuals!!! Barglean Actual Gold Goldfish are made of living gold. Each one is worth 800 gp dead. Each one is worth 1,600 gp alive to a noble or wealthy merchant. Anything that kills normal goldfish kill barglean actuals.

9. Bridge over the Xvart level. Did you see Squid Game? Remember the bridge with the random glass panes that would either support you or shatter and drop you? This is like that. 30’ down to the Xvart level. 10’ poles recommended to cross. Ropes recommended to descend. DM should randomize which panels are traps each time this area is restocked. Sometimes Xvarts climb up here to take revenge on the Kobolds.

   1. What’s that twinkling below? Among the dead Xvart and Adventurer bodies? Is that glass shards? Is that spilled coins? (It’s both! 2,000 sp & 500 gp)

   2. Two-way mirrors allow Kobolds in areas 6 (Boxing Ring) and 10 (VIP Viewing Room) watch the fun. Wall-tube trumpets allow bridge users to hear their gambling, cheers, and laughter.

10. VIP Viewing Room for Squid Game Bridge. Secret Exit in W wall leads to room 51 (Xvart hideout).

11. Secret Closet entrance to Area 10 (VIP Viewing Room)

Kobold Living Quarters -

12. Locker Room for Kobold Miners. Leather Helmets with Candle Reflectors. Leather Harnesses and Tool Belts. Tiny Boots. One pair of tiny boots is full of gravel.

13. Washroom. Cistern with pumps to Raintree Shower Heads. Solitary Bathroom Stall in corner bears Koboldic sign: “Out of Order!” Inside there is a secret tunnel to Cavern 25, and hidden under a loose tile in the floor, a pouch of smuggled uncut gems. (12 stones of 1d10 gp value each.)

14. Kobold Miners’ Dormitory. Just rows of adorable-sized bunkbeds. A dozen footlockers containing 1d20 cp each.

    1. In north wall, a secret smuggling tunnel to Cavern 25 hides behind a Raquel Welch Poster.

    2. Secret Spyhole Door to Area 15 (Guard Dorm) so Guards can keep an eye on the workers.

15. Kobold Guard Dormitory. Secret door to spy on/enter worker Dorm.

16. Bathroom. Three-holer bench on either side, Xvart level below. It’s… not nice down there… Many Xvart crossbow bolts stuck in underside of each bench and a couple in the ceiling above the three-holers.

17. Drawing Room. Just a nice place to read or play Euchre with the boys after a hard day’s mining.

18. Kobold Library. Checkout Desk. Books in Koboldic. If the shelves are searched:

    1. Level 1 Spellbook with 3 M-U Starter Spells

    2. Scroll of Levitation

    3. Kobold Romance Novel- “The Gnoll’s Daughter” -8 gp to a fan of the genre

    4. Breach tunnel to the Grell’s Treasure Pit on Level 4.

19. Cafeteria. Tables. Trays. The usual.

20. Kitchen. Cupboards. Pots. Pans. You know.

21. Chief’s Bedroom. Queen sized bed. Pullup bar in the closet. Secret door to area 5 (Zoo).

    1. Owlbear rug on the floor. -1,000 gp

    2. An easel and a collection of six watercolor paintings on canvas created by the Chief himself. - 100 gp each to a collector.

       1. 66% chance the Chief is here, with two Guards and three normal Kobolds. Chief has a +1 Dagger and he uses it!

    3. Locked, poison needle trapped Chest of 1,000 ep.

    4. Another locked chest of 1,000 sp that looks just like the first one.

Kobold Mining Operations -

22. Cart Room. Big Wagons for Tailings. Smaller Carts for Ore. The tunnel between 22 and 23 slopes downward as it goes North.

23. Tool Shed. picks, shovels, drills, hammers, iron spikes, two 25’ ropes, candles, a spool of copper wire worth 50 gp.

24. Natural Cavern. Earthworks ramp down to cavern floor 35’ beneath ceiling. Stalactites and stalagmites abound. Sound of distant dripping. Cart tracks veer to the East 2/3’s of the way in, leading to otherwise hard to find tunnel in the vasty darkness. Two really hard to find tunnels in the northwest corner leading to Cavern 25 and Cavern 28.

25. This cavern is multicolored, glistening and oddly smooth. There is a small tunnel, possibly dug by a greedy Kobold worker trying to smuggle uncut gems for himself. It leads to the Out-of-Order bathroom stall in room 13 (Shower Room). There is another tunnel, perhaps dug by a different Kobold for a similar purpose. It leads to a Raquel Welch poster in room 14 (Workers’ Dorm).

26. This smaller cavern has been decorated with rugs and pillows. 50% chance of a female Kobold w/ a blonde wig hanging out here. She just wants to be alone right now. Will scream her head off if she sees you. Northwest exit is closed off with loose fieldstone. A sign in Koboldic reads: “Keep Out!!!” It will take about 10 minutes to clear the stones by hand.

27. This cavern is filled with the Chaos version of the camp followers. Their magic mouth failed a short time ago. 20 zombies. All motionless, covered with dust and cobwebs, but ready to attack.

28. There is nothing in this cavern except a doll. Upon entry, the sound of an almost imperceptible titter, like the giggling of something pretending to be a child. The zombies from 27 will not enter this room. Not even to chase you. Whoever touches the doll first becomes its new owner. See Doll Behavior below.*

29. The center of this cavern is filled with a mound of tailings. 33% chance to find 10 kobold workers playing King-of-the-Hill on the rubble.

30. One of the pair of caves known as “The Kidneys.”

31. The other Kidney. Kennel for the Wild Boars that the Kobolds use to pull their carts. 4 pens, each holding 1 boar, 2 sows and a piglet. (16 total animals)

32. Worked mine shafts. A streak of gold in the northern shaft. Each turn worked using mining tools will yield 100gp of ore. Loud! Each turn roll a d10. If the result is lower than the # of turns you have already spent mining, the vein is played out. Did I mention that it’s loud?

33. This shaft has been boarded up. A sign hung in Koboldic: “No go in here!” Two of the boards have been pried loose, but placed to look intact. At the end of the shaft is a 40’ hole down to Level 3! Goblin grappling hooks line the opening with ropes snaking down into the darkness.

34. Mine shaft. Large carts full of tailings to be hauled out. Small carts waiting to carry ore and gem inclusions. Many tracks leading between this shaft and room 36 (Sorting).

35. Another Mine Shaft. This shaft has broken into 2 caverns. Two pillars hold up the ceiling.

36. Sorting Room. Ore is processed in the East side, and Gems are separated from the remaining rock that clings to them. Gems and precious metals are sorted in the west side. Locked Metal Door to the south.

37. Gem-cutting Room. Kobold gem-cutters work on the raw stores here, turning them to treasure. Windows on 3 sides of the room permit Guards from the treasury to observe and keep them honest. Locked Metal Door with pass-through panel lets cut gems and nuggets be passed into the airlock to Room 42 (Main Treasury Chamber).

38. Natural cave formation known as “The Intestine.” Garnets glisten in the torchlight. If you haven’t already rolled a Piercer encounter, 1d8 will line the ceilings here.

39. Mine shaft 35 has broken into this natural cavern. Flat tunnel in the northeastern corner is wide enough for two to crawl side by side, but the ceiling is very low. Must remove backpacks and drag on your belly.

40. This cave is entirely natural except for an enormous portion of the eastern wall. Pillars are carved into the living rock, like at Petra in Jordan. Between them is an enormous fresco depicting a massive battle between armies of Chaos and Law. Black and Purple crystals have grown around this enormous carving like a frame. (The crystals can be crushed to make purple dyes but also have an unknown property: a magic user can inhale the powdered crystal to immediately recast the last spell he used without having to memorize it anew. This damages the MU for 1d4 hp per level of spell.)

41. An underground lake with an island in the middle. The lake has 1d6 Giant Pike of the albino and eyeless variety that can be seen in Area 8 (Aquarium). The lake spills into a subterranean river that runs off to the East. On the island is an ancient and crumbling war-wagon, containing:

    1. An enormous, locked, poison-needle trapped (save vs poison or die) chest of 5,000 gp in ancient coin

    2. Barrel of 100 arrows including three +1 magic arrows

    3. +1 Large Shield

    4. Three large sacks of 500 sp each.

    5. An empty crystal Bourbon Bottle (with a Throat Leech inside it!)

*Doll behavior - DM secretly rolls 1D12 once per day. Result takes effect at inconvenient moment for players.

1. Found in a different place than left.

2. Emanates Darkness 50’ radius sphere centered on doll

3. Emanates Fear 50’ radius sphere centered on doll

4. Temperature drops until you can see your breath

5. Emanates Silence 1d10 turns 50’ radius sphere centered on doll

6. Emanates smell of decaying corpse

7. Owner’s eyes go milky white. They can only see from doll’s eyes until sunrise.

8. Owner goes involuntarily ethereal per oil of Etherealness.

9. Party rations spoil with maggots

10. On next rest party member wakes to find owner standing over them holding the doll out, asleep on their feet. Waking them leads to screaming.

11. Torches snuff out. Unseen children giggle.

12. Something flammable nearby ignites.

Animals and children hate the doll on sight. If discarded, doll will appear in the owner’s belongings at sundown. Owner can only be rid of the doll by sacrificing a sentient being in the cave where the doll was found (they learn this by listening to the doll’s whispers in their mind at night), or if the doll is sprinkled with Holy Water.

Kobold Treasury-

42. Main Treasury Chamber. Thick Wall on entrance with Kobold reception desk in center. On north and south sides, short staircase down to main level. Large bank vaults on either side. Just past them, green shaded oil lamps glow on a polished wall-to-wall mahogany service desk on the north wall which protects the airlock and observation windows to the Gem-cutting room via a fold-up portion of the desktop. Large, open portcullis entrance to Room 43.

43. Long hallway. There is a lever on the north wall, just inside the entry that will drop the portcullis, sealing off room 42 (Main Treasury Chamber). There is an odd contraption here. It looks like a giant brass bell, hung by four lines that disappear into holes in the ceiling. An iron Tray is welded to the top of the bell, and in the tray is a locked chest containing 10,000 ep. (Remember encumberance, coin weight is important here!) An especially observant player may notice the 1-inch gap between the bottom of the bell and the floor.

    

    Here’s the rest of the story. The lines are going to pulleys and four large weights, that are just enough to perfectly balance the whole. Any downward pressure (such as a Thief trying to pick the lock on the chest) will cause the bell to strike the floor and ring loudly. The tone will activate the guards in room 48 to come investigate. (They can be thwarted by dropping the portcullis if the party is not up for a fight.)
    But wait there’s more!!! This bell has no clapper, it’s hollow. But it is keeping a large Shrieker (MM 87) in the dark! If the weight of the coins is removed, the bell will fly up, exposing the Shrieker and triggering its… well… shrieking. This will activate all the Kobold guardians in rooms 44, 45 and 47.

    

    There is a Secret Entrance behind a wood panel to area 51 (Secret Xvart Hideout)

44. Room of 6 Kobold Treasure Guardians. Shrieker will activate them.

45. Room of 6 Kobold Treasure Guardians. Shrieker will activate them.

46. Bathroom for Kobold Treasure Guardians. Dog-eared Kobold novel on shelf: “The Gnoll’s Neice.” Part two of a series - 7 gp to a collector.

47. Room of 5 Kobold Treasure Guardians. Shrieker will activate them.

48. Room of 10 Kobold Treasure Guardians. Sound of Bell in Room 43 will activate them.

49. Ore Vault. Massive Complex Combination Lock on Heavy Metal Vault Door (i.e. not pickable by low level thieves). Inside: Bins of Gold, Electrum, Silver and Copper nuggets

50. Gem Vault. Massive Complex Combination Lock on Heavy Metal Vault Door (i.e. not pickable by low level thieves). Inside: Locked Safe Deposit Boxes of Cut Gems

51. Secret Xvart hideout. Six Xvarts plotting sabotage on Kobolds. Open to negotiations if you keep their secret.

Farmer Noka’s Corn Maze

This beginner dungeon is above ground in a crop circle corn maze. One side is “Jaquaysed”, but the players can self-Jaquays it simply by chopping their way from one clearing to another. It’s hot, even in the dark of night. Smell’s rich with earth, plant and fertilizer. The leaves rustle in the slight wind. An owl hoots in the distance. In the Square and Triangular shapes there are small footprints in the mud between the laid-over stalks. In the Circular shapes the footprints are clawed.

Random Encounters (1 in 6)

If Encounters occur, consult the following tables. “Something Shiny” is the result of something valuable coming out of the ground, either dangling from the crops, or sticking out of the mud just enough to be toe-ed to the surface.

Map

Key

1: The crops are laid over, with the stalks bent, but not broken or cut.

2: EDIT!!! In the center of the clearing there is a pile of goods that were stolen from the barn. Searching for 10 minutes will uncover: 50’ of rope, a half-dozen iron spikes, three torches, four horseshoes, and a 10’ ash pole. an uncovered stone well plunging 200’ into the earth. The locals have seen a great pumpkin-like being rising up out of the well by moonlight. They are not seeing the Great Pumpkin… it is a Grell in the Well. At the bottom is a pile of 20,000 gp, a magic staff and a suit of full plate. The Grell wants to add your bones and treasure to the pile…

3: In this clearing there are two rats, caught in snares and driven through with a long pin each. One is not dead yet.

4: In the center of this clearing is a large sack of grain. Slumped against it the corpse of a ratbitten Killmoulis. (Inside the grain sack is a wooden box of tarnished silverware worth 60 gp if it is cleaned and polished first.)

5: A roughly built corral of stakes and wire holds three giant rats, contented, sleeping in a pile.

6: Two large rough poles jut menacingly out of the ground in this large triangular clearing. Chained manacles hang from iron staples driven into each of them. A 4’ high tent stands nearby. (Searching the tent will reveal torture tools.)

7: A natural spring. Fresh, clean water. (A- Broken stalks reveal a creature has been sneaking down this hidden path to drink water.) ← <This should be the PC’s clue that they can make their own room connections through the rows of stalks.>

8: Empty, save for a board with 2 ropes attached to it.

9: A tunnel erupts from a mound of earth. A 3’ diameter hole sloping away down into the earth. <the entrance to the Xvart dungeon sublevel>

10: Crude Pigpen. Muddy. Empty. The gate is broken. (A- Broken stalks reveal a creature has been sneaking down this hidden path to drink water.)

11: Farmer Noka’s scarecrow lies upended on the ground. 2 short spears stick out of it.

12: A flat, fieldstone patio with a circular hole in the center. The top of a ladder leans out of it. <the entrance to the Kobold dungeon sublevel>

13: Empty clearing

14: Burnt out fire. Chicken bones. Feathers.

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Unnecessary Backstory

The farm sprawls over the sight of a millenia-old battlefield, hence the weird martial items of value that sprout to the surface. The battle was concluded disastrously when the good guys inexpertly cast Forlorn Encystment on the Bigbad General as his own Warlock inexpertly tried to counterspell it. One of them must have been using a DCC spellbook, because it turned up to 11 and all forces on both sides were plunged under the earth. The evil forces of the Bigbad have been working their slow, undead way to the surface, organizing the dungeon as they go. Monsters and Madmen have come seeking the powerful items and warchest treasures beneath. Xvarts and Kobolds vie for the top levels.

The pitch was simple: “Hey Dunder, run a megadungeon on the Hel Rock in my game. The PCs can use a Moon Pool to get there.”

So I started combining ingredients. I read UMBROS and started imagining what the HelRock would be like. I read the first level of the Anomalous Subsurface Environment (ASE) megadungeon. The first few chapters of The Moon Pool by A. Merritt (that book is a slog). And then there was the implied setting of 1e.

I investigated the goddess Hel, and the Norse concept of the afterlife for normal schmucks like me instead of warriors. I read about Brynhild’s Hel-Ride, and Gygr the giantess who accuses Brynhild as she makes her way to the land of the dead to be with Sigurd.

I mapped out the surface of the HelRock and located my MegaDungeon on a mountain in the center. I sketched up a quick 8 room dungeon for the Moon Pool. I reached out to my friends on X who make this kind of stuff for a living to submit Tricks and Traps that I could pepper in and give shout-outs for. And I let my imagination go to work.

Obviously the HelRock side of the Moon Pool would be frozen over, as Hel in mythology is a land of ice and mists. So when they transited they would be in near freezing water with an ice shelf to break through over their heads. That sounded exciting!

And the realm of the dead needs a guardian, otherwise mortals would be traipsing all over the place hauling their loved ones back into the land of the living. I statted up a Winter Wolf as Garmr, the Blood Spattered Dog from Norse myth.

As this is taking place in the center of a Hollow Earth story, I put together some lore about the Outsiders who came in and tried to break into Hel using Superscience and failed spectacularly. A neat blend of UMBROS and Anomalous Subsurface Environment backstories.

Now the thing about ASE is that the first level is locked behind an indestructible door. The only way in is to drop a battery of radioactive material (sick stone) into the receptacle, which will jump start the equipment and open the door. The gamebook gets around this obstacle by having a smaller intro dungeon that has the sick-rock (which I rebranded as the Satasaban or Caelgond for Dwarves and Elves respectively) and a lead case for safely transporting it inside (though the stone and case have been unwisely separated). I just replaced the weird lion-people in ASE for the Sagoths of UMBROS and that was that.

Now there were some incompatibilities between 1e and UMBROS I had to work out. UMBROS does not have halflings, half orcs or gnomes. But it does have Dwelvemen, weird, mutated combinations of men, dwarves and elves; so I ruled that if someone rolled up one of the prohibited demi-humans, it would just be a failed Dwelveman experiment. Also, there are no horses in UMBROS, we used Thags. Also, money is heavily frowned upon, eschewed for a barter system. That one is rough when you are trying to calculate GP for XP.

Rob Alderman from Pulp Hummock Press gave me the idea for the exploding frogs, and so I put them in the Moon Pool Dungeon along with some Dwelvemen and some treasure. Tootch warned the players, “Don’t go into the wrong pool.”

Okay, enough set up. What went wrong?

In the first session they got through the Moon Pool and even defeated the Winter Wolf. There was dizzying spectacle as they stood on the Hel Rock looking up at their lands far above(below?) feeling like any moment gravity would reverse and pitch them screaming into the sky, accompanied by the grinding cacaphony of the solid ice river Gyoll. There was a path leading up a mountain. But they had already lost one to the frogs and left another recovering in the banana room. They did not relish another overland trek, so they turned back before the sessions’ end.

has pointed to the Winter Wolf as a misstep here, but looking back, I think that that distance was a greater error. The Dungeon should have been just outside of the Moon Pool, as BDubs immediately had it when he ran for his kids. Or it should have come out inside the dungeon itself. In mapping out the HelRock I added one Wilderness too many.

I had thought they would follow the trail and find the locked door first. Then they would be on the lookout for the key. But I dropped a hook for the Sick Stone dungeon to one of the players in downtime, and instead of going back to the HelRock, they decided to enquire as to the fate of Ghan-Burri-Gucci’s associate, the Dwarf Balin-Chiagga. They found their way to the Sick Stone dungeon and I thought all was going well. They’d find the stone and use it to get in. Only they spread this dungeon over two visits. The guy who would be able to warn them about the stone died from exposure in the intervening week. And the warning note about its deadly radiation that he scribbled on the back of the Map to the Dungeon Entrance was not shared with the party by the player who found it. Nobody read the big letters on the map “Satasaban is KEY!” They all died from poison except the two dwarves who passed both of their poison saving throws.

One of the players was also running the Dwarf Faction leader Cointhrall, and he traded for the Satasaban from the surviving Dwarves, thereby taking the only key to the megadungeon out of play. So, the key magic item, which an entire party had died to obtain, was sold for 200gp.

So, yes. I picked the wrong module, and I stuck to parts of it that should have been tossed.

How I tried to fix it

I created a dungeon to hold a Limited Wish spell scroll and I put it on the way to the Door. I figured, they’d get the scroll, get to the door and say, “I wish I had another Satasaban!” Then put the fetched thing into the receptacle before it could poison everyone again. The door would open and we’d be off to the races. The dungeon also let me reverse a cyclical argument from Twitter where people do not believe that Combat Wheelchairs belong in a dungeon. I filled the dungeon with them. Every goblin got one. would say I wasted a level 9 joke in a level 1 dungeon.

Also, realizing that the UMBROS overland + Moon Pool Dungeon + HelRock Overland was a bit much, I put a magical bird with the head of a woman in the Polio Dungeon. She has magic songs that can cast sleep or keep an entire pantry fresh from spoilage. I figured they could take over the Polio Dungeon, stash all the food from the Banana Room here and have a forward operating base to sortie the dungeon from.

This approach of giving the party magic items that could solve their problems would fail for me again and again. It just never seemed to work.

What happened instead?

The party avoided the dungeon, found the door to the megadungeon and discovered that the Satasaban really WAS the key. They went back to the Polio Goblin dungeon, cleared it out, and retrieved the Limited Wish spell scroll. One PC traded the scroll to Tootch in exchange for some potions they might need later.

WHY?

Well at level 1 there was a chance the spell scroll could fail (65%) and if it did a further chance that something bad would happen to the caster (50%). I, being an idiot, was not aware of this when I stocked the scroll in the Polio Dungeon. And they, in a dangerous game, would rather trade it for a sure thing than risk it to gain the Dungeon.

In the meantime, undead entered the game through Lean Jean’s Wight and an undead Crocodile as well as the Bucky Ball of bones that formed from the Winter Wolf’s failed resurrection.

How I tried to fix it

Well the undead thing was easy, I just put a magic can of silver Krylon in the Moon Pool dungeon so the party could silver their weapons at will.

For the Satasaban thing, I was a little miffed that they had immediately sold my get out of jail free card to a patron, and so I thought, they will need to work a little harder to get the solution. I grabbed Skerples’ Roving Wheel dungeon from a One Page Dungeon Contest from years ago and posited that the entire thing was powered by another Satasaban. The only way to learn about the Magic Wheel’s whereabouts as well as the magic word that allowed access was to find the research done on it in the long abandoned Pigzits School of Magic and Usury. It was a dungeon cobbled together from Harry Potter and the valley of the Cyclops in one of the Sinbad movies. The clue to Pigzits was found in a Leather Journal that was in a secret room in the Moon Pool Dungeon.

Also, lamenting how easily Dinosaurs were able to kill PC’s, I laced Pigzits with magical cloaks that would grant a 30% increase to reaction rolls with dinosaurs.

What happened instead?

Well obviously the first thing that happened was that one of the players tried to sell the journal to Ronan in downtime. The party wound up going to Pigzits a few times, once while I was not there to run it. They got the farthest into it when the party decided not to delve it, and one of the Patrons begged us to let him and his men explore it instead. I really don’t know why he wanted that so badly, but they all agreed and just played his henchmen for that delve. One of them got shrunken down to 6 inches tall. None of it mattered because nobody played those characters again and anything they discovered was useless to the party.

The cloaks registered as magical, but the party sold all of them before figuring out what they could do. The PCs were dying off quickly, and every magical boon, advantage or solution I handed them just got pawned off to Tootch or Ronan immediately with zero curiosity or interest in how it could be used to keep them alive.

Nobody was complaining to me. But the death toll was wearing on them. In the back channels they lamented that months had gone by without any progress. They wanted to interact with the Braunstein level and help shape the world, but they couldn’t get into the dungeon. Honestly, I don’t know if I was in a place to be sympathetic if I had heard of it. In my mind they couldn’t wait to squander every solution I worked out for them for pennies on the dollar.

The Bottom Line

But I can’t blame them for bad play. Nobody’s a good player when they are set up to fail. And that’s on me. I don’t know how many would still be even playing if I my personal life hadn’t pulled me out of all my online gaming.

I had an absolute blast running this, oblivious as I was. These guys are fun to play with, and I appreciate their patience. I didn’t burn out. It was never not fun for me. I’m not going for the BrOriental Adventures 2.0 Purple Heart medal here.

BROSR play isn’t difficult. It helps the DM get out of the way of the game. I don’t know what I was doing, but it wasn’t following the example of Macho Mandalf, and Jeffro and other brilliant DMs that I have had the privilege of playing under.

This look back has been humbling. Embarrassing even. Maybe D&D just isn’t my thing. Time will tell if this is a learning opportunity or an offramp. The timing is interesting. Earlier this year, I prayed to God that I would be fascinated by the things He wants, and that I would lose interest in things that are not for me. This may be part of that.

What about this Substack?

For my next article, I’m interested in delving deeper into the dynamic of Magic Items and Player’s incentives toward using or selling them. Even if they weren’t the solution to my inaccessible dungeon1, I’m still interested in what’s going on there.

Honestly, I’m not feeling all that qualified to dish out advice at the moment. Make sure to comment, dislike and unsubscribe!

Bolo -

4/4 Travelling with Brokkar to Tootch's Tower from Firsthaven: Party did not get lost on the first day. No encounters in the plains. Party got lost second day, but they realized they had gotten lost and returned to the correct path, losing half a day. No encounters Party arrived at Tootch's tower on 4/6 at 6 PM. No encounters.

Brokkar -

4/4/2026 Brokkar spent some time selling treasure from Tuesday’s Pigzits delve alongside Tyrone, Bolo, Roger, Durok and Markos, then went to Tooch’s Tower.

Cog Nostril -

4/3/2026 Cog got lost on the first day in the mountains, but he realized his mistake and got back on track. At Forced March, he still made it to Tootch's by the morning of the next day, but he has to rest for 10 hours having gone 50% over normal movement. He recovers completely at 5PM on 4/4. No encounters.

George the Thief -

George passed his infectious disease and parasite checks. Then he spent time working with fishermen and hanging out with them after work. Also started recruiting for adventuring hirelings.

Girthald the Broad -

Went looking for a Druid to train under. There are only two known high-level druids in UMBROS so far… a certain Swanmay seen in the company of Keldir, and… bedded down in a giant termite mound located somewhere in the wooded hills that border the twilight pines, there is rumor of a Druid of the 5th circle known as… The Matted Kook!

Grark - Solo Training… takes a while…

Hurrim - Hurrim made it to Level 2!!! But then he rolled a random encounter of 2 T-Rexes on his first day of travel!!! I had to take my son to the Dr, but Hurrim’s player had what he needed to adjudicate the encounter. He tried to run, but got surprised, and the T-Rexes rolled hostile reaction!!! It is very difficult to outrun a mated pair of angry T-Rexes. Pour one out for Hurrim… A solid legend.

Markos, the Gravekeeper - Sold the Pink Candle, Magical Cloaks (turns out they grant +30% to Dinosaur Reaction Rolls), and the Wand of enlargement to the first person he could. Never let a magical item remain with the party, huh?

Pepsilleo - Messing with the Humans in Tootchville. Some of the ignorant ones find him quite charming. There is a Pro-Elf sentiment spreading through the region.

There was one interesting thing that happened. You’ll notice that Brokkar’s downtime order included several other PCs. One PC, Tyrone, said, I never gave an order. I didn’t do that. I went to hang with Hibobu. Something to watch out for in your own clubhouse, make sure the PCs talk to each other before committing each other’s PCs to actions. This will cut down on the amount of Follow UP you must do as a DM.

Session 10? What about Downtime Interlude 9??? Well here’s the deal, Sparky! In 1:1 time you move the calendar forward in sessions, but then it snaps back to real world calendar as soon as the session is over. Which means that after travel to and from the session 9 on Saturday, it was already time for session 10 on Tuesday with no downtime possible!!! It just naturally lined up the exact way a Pause-Time campaign would! Were the players happy about this? I have no idea. I think having time to do downtime shenanigans beats not being able to, but that’s why I don’t play conventional!

I stand corrected. It looks like some PC’s got into a small amount of Downtime RIGHT BEFORE THE SESSION, and guess what!!! Angry Steak kilt’em in DOWNTIME!!! This man is out of control!

Anyway, Session 10 hit on the One Tuesday Night a month that ole Dunder’s evening is spoken for, so once again the guest DM Angry Steak took over. Read on to see what happened! - Dunder!

Umbros Ep10: Thematic Consistency

Howdy, it’s me again. I don’t have much to say except the regular programming should return some time next week. I hope you all have a blessed Easter.

PCs
Bolo T1
Markos the Gravekeeper C1
Tyrone the Black F1
Brokkar R1
Durok C1

Special Guest: Bál-blóð (Periwinkle the Firedrake!)

The party returned to Pigzits School of Magic and Usury to continue their exploration. Markos, in particular, was hoping to find information about one Preston Digitalis so he could return a special book found some handful of sessions back. There may even still be interest in finding information about a Satasaban so we might eventually, possibly, maybe get to Dunder’s Super Epic Megadungeon of Gold and Glory. Maybe.

The group arrived at the Valley of the Iguanadon with no real issues and crossed the river of wine. Tyrone made a complaint about staining his Nikes before stripping his kicks and wading over. Next stop, Pigzits.

In the last session, I had added an illusory Firedrake Trick/Gimmick as a self-reference to the fact that a Big Fake was running this dungeon. Markos’ apparent taming of Periwinkle added a fun layer to the situation this time around as the Thief and Magic User used a side passage and spotted the fake one through a viewport. It was sleeping and appeared chained to the wall. The pair reattached the chain in their little viewing room and began winding the windlass, soon discovering the other end dropping at their feet. Uh oh, it’s loose and probably awake!

After a bit of back and forth on the approach, Tyrone volunteered to prod it through the viewport with a 10ft pole. The Magic User was on standby in case he needed to cast Sleep. After the pole bled into the image, all became clear and the collective sigh from the party was enough to light up every Discord ring. For context, only a couple of the current players were present for the previous session. I love these little bits of serendipity.

Moving forward, the party entered the central hall and the Magic Nag Mouth popped out to repeat her rant about inappropriate use of Oracle Credits. Have to make an extra obnoxious voice for this one just to make sure the point lands. Afterward, they checked a pair of nearby doors and forced them open to reveal the feast hall. This one is more or less a 1:1 reference. So much so that the group was like “Yeah, we get it.” Alas, they refuse to be a captive audience to my definitely impassioned narrative descriptors!

First order of business: “Is there silverware?” Well, yeah, I guess. “We stuff it all into our sack.” While they were collecting cutlery, Markos and Periwinkle ventured to the teachers table. Nearby was a large rug, think a dog bed rug, that Periwinkle tried to pull toward. Markos, the ever-loving drakefather, made a note to roll that up and bring it with. Before that, he confirmed the headmaster chair’s nameplate as Preston Digitalis. He also gazed, only for a moment, at the supremely well-endowed birdwomen that stretched their feathers above the table. We are doubtless a mature and adult group of men, “You should give them a feel.” – Tyrone. They did not “give them a feel.”

After finishing their loot, the party hit up the kitchen where they were accosted by floating trays! Tyrone rushed to the forefront and hammered one out of the air; promptly splashing himself with pitchers of beer. The rest of the party had fallen back and begun to retreat, but soon changed their minds and shared a drink (except the man that survived Elfland). They picked up a scrap note here that looked like a recipe in Dwarven and took the chance to take a breather. After this, they headed up the main hall, skipping the Gender Neutral Bathroom and skimming the Broom Closet with Skeletons, and found a stairwell leading up.

Second floor and more references! After bumbling through the mapping connections of the landing and halls, Tyrone decided to hit up a living picture at a nearby dead end. “Now, I haven’t seen these movies in like years, but aren’t the dorms behind something like this?” A discussion of riddles, traps, and other concerns burned a few minutes before Tyrone stepped up and tried hitting on the lady. 03 on the dice. She promptly scowled and leveled insults (you know the ones). Tyrone did what any upstanding man would do in that position: he stabbed the painting with a spear.

Time for some creative adjudication! The spear hits the wall and effectively dissolves (magic paint, I dunno). The woman promptly screams and her visage warps. I ruled this as an effect similar to a ghost. Tyrone immediately aged 10 years and began screaming as he rushed back toward the stairwell. Starting to sound like Scary Movie or something. Markos then knocks out his knees, KO’s the man, and the group ties up and gags him. Luckily, nothing came to investigate or potentially maul the crew.

Exploration continued: a clown nose red orb attached to an upward lever. “That’s a trap. Gotta be.” Several suites for teachers; each flavored with a specific theme (pink candle and halfling cloths; flower, incense, and astrology hippy; stoner potionsmaster). Several capes representing the school were found. They kept the pink candle, some iron flasks, found a locked box, and ended up in a fight with the absolute monsters known as Mantari (FF 62). Periwinkle got the command “Flame On” and nearly obliterated all the creatures as they descended from the astrologer’s ceiling. Unfortunately, it landed a pair of stings over the course of the fight, killing our dear firedrake friend.

Before making a plan to leave Markos proposed making use of Periwinkle’s blood and hide. You see, Firedrake blood ignites when exposed to air; this is the source of its breath weapon. The plan involved bleeding Periwinkle into a basin of water and storing the results in the flasks they found. After the rest of the blood burned away, he’d begin slicing off the hide to later turn into a cloak or something. However, just as Tyrone’s fear was subsiding and the last bottle of blood was being capped off, I rolled an encounter! Goblins!

If there’s one thing I remember about HP goblins, it’s their position as bookkeepers and bankers. I’d hinted that there was an alumni or patron in this form with the various statues and busts strewn about the second floor. And here was the opportunity to use it. Bollocks Greenerstein, Esq, and his personal bodyguards stopped and eyed these unknown adventurers. The group took the stance to parlay and we kicked off an obviously tense discussion with silly theatrics. Tyrone pretended to be part of the student body (on sports scholarship) while Markos pried for information. The escalations of the discussion left the latter ready to draw steel and mop the floor with their blood; particularly after a threatening suggestion that they show respect and pay him “proper respects.” The moment ended with another positive reaction involving the offering of a book by Preston Digitalis and an intimidating glare by Markos. The book was not on hand, but the “deal” was made. Mr. Greenerstein knocked on the nearby wall and promptly disappeared with his bodyguards.

After an overnight stay in Horrid’s tower, Bolo managed the pop the lock on the box they retrieved. Inside was a note along the lines of; “Confiscated! Items of this sort should not be used on any form of the body, in particular those parts.” I’m a sucker for notes and clues, even if unintentionally revealing. Needless to say, half the party in unison: “It’s a wand of enlargement!” Yeah… Sorry Dunder. I also noted it had runes inscribed on it; which prompted the MU to prepare Read Magic. A quick search suggested Engorgio was the command/spell so… Sorry again, Dunder. For real, I don’t actually know the process for identification in AD&D aside from experimenting (cutting something with your magic sword, the glow, that sort of stuff). Still, the joke clue was effective!

Finally, the party returned to Firsthaven to take a breather and discuss how to turn this handful of magical, but possibly not entirely useful, items into something more… flexible. I’ll have to have a chat with our resident Dungeon Master and sort out the rest.

Monster

Mantari: 225 XP

Treasure

Crystals: 105gp (5, 50x2 smoky quartz)
Pink Candle (Magic, Unknown)
3 Pigzits Capes (Stoner, Hippy, Halfling)
8 flasks of Firedrake Blood (equivalent to oil)
Wand of Enlargement

Gone too soon:

• Ur-Kur: Drained dry by a stirge in Session 9

• Bondar: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• James: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• Duder Moss: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• Niv the Witless: Killed by Phase Spiders in Downtime 8

• Gimboldt Kegpuncher: Killed by Phase Spiders in Downtime 8

• Morn the Thief: Wedded to a Dryad in the Fae realm in Session 7. He won’t be back for at least 3 years. He seems okay with it. “Wood” - Morn

• Mr PIB the Assassin: Choked to death by a creeper vine in Thelerion’s Loot Cave after trading Morn the Thief to a Dryad for a fragrant vest in Session 7.

• William de Hauteville: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Thelarion: Thought to be Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6 (his body was not found among the remains).

• Kreg: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Og the Druid: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Grief the Thief: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock in Session 3.

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch in Session 2.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch in Session 2.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool in Session 1. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

So much destruction… what’s it all about, Alfie?

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Angry Steak wanted to run on a Saturday night! A SATURDAY! I’m all healed up from my little cold, but I was out of town on Spring Break with the family. Go nuts! I said. The following occurred on Saturday, March 28, 2026. Oh yeah! He told me the players wanted to return to one of my Dungeons, so I shared the maps and wrote up a quick key to what’s going on where. He didn’t run it the way I would have, but that doesn’t matter! This approach worked ACES! Is it ‘cause I’m such a good designer? Doubtful. Is it ‘cause Angry Steak is such a good DM? Probably. Is it ‘cause BROSR style is so dynamic it just works no matter what??? DEFINITELY!!!

Hello, it’s me again; this time for an entirely different reason. After the last delve into Elfland, some of the players were really itching to practice their delving chops and began organizing a crew. The only thing they were missing was a GM. After discussing some times, I offered to try filling the role after work. This would serve a couple purposes; the first of course being practice for myself. The second involved the target: Pigzits School of Magic and Usury. The aforementioned “dungeon” was created by none other than Dunder Moose himself; and outside of the room with the firedrake (RIP Thelarion), I knew nothing of the place. This session, therefore, became a test of “handing off your notes” to see how another, last minute or otherwise, GM can handle it.

To start: Dunder’s layout reminded me a bit of the simpler style of OSE (perhaps it’s older, I dunno). The main thing is that I didn’t have to dig through long descriptions and could run this thing with virtually no prep aside from the baseline of Harry Potter and whimsy. The former I haven’t seen nor read since Goblet of Fire before I got out of high school so I plan to lean heavily into whatever I remembered from cultural osmosis. All in all, these are some of the easiest notes I’ve had to use, even compared to the variety of DDAL modules I ran years back; clear, concise, room for adjudication or personal touches.

Addendum: Popping this here after I finished the recap. It is often difficult to gauge where things lie, especially when unfamiliar with a system’s specifics. As a general rule, I favor the players for adjudications while simultaneously shooting for interesting or cool scenes. A lot of death happened between the pre-session and session, and I want to thank the players for powering through it given every other piece of context. We played a lot of game today.

Part One: Travel Agency

Crew: Duder Moss, Niv the Witless, Grimboldt (Last Name)

So, how did things go? We’ll get to that. The first obstacle was traveling to Pigzits to begin with. AD&D notably has two travel rates/write-ups, in the PHB and DMG respectively. As the DMG came out later, I favored its judgments for resolution. I built around a 9” average movement, ruling this as Heavy per the DMG (10 miles/day). I had some downtime at work and decided to run the numbers and try to adjudicate the travel, but it turns out that it can never be that simple. To wit: the party managed to trek from Goldhold to the Purple Tower but ran into trouble just before leaving the Purple Hills!

Lemme just check Umbros for the encounter and… Spiders. Phase Spiders. The party, however, did not know this as the DMG describes them looking no different than their large spider counterparts.

This was resolved with play-by-post and took a bit longer than it probably needed to. It’s been a while, but I typically call for a Posture (Offensive, Neutral, Defensive, or some description of MO) before handling things. In this case, the party chose to attempt to Evade. Alright, pop open the evasion rules and toss a percentile: 97. I double-checked the math to make sure everything was accounted for, and sure enough, they still had a 90% chance of success. From here, I adjudicated based on speeds. The party would be pursued, and the slowest man would sooner or later fall behind.

Reminder: Evasion is abstracted, and jungle terrain offers a lot of means to adjudicate for the fertile mind.

With that, the group turned with a battle cry:

Credit where due, they were valiant! Niv battled desperately just before poison killed him, and Duder Moss and Grimboldt fought back to back while trying to play whack-a-rachnid. Alas, Grimboldt soon fell to poison and Duder fled. He rushed back to save one of the sacks of gold tossed out earlier before limping back to the Purple Tower where he rented the dorm room of a former student (RIP Bitters). At this point, it was the 31^st. Moreover, the session was still a couple hours away!

Part Two: Session Time Boogaloo

The above really put a damper on the original plans, but the players did not give up! When session time rolled around they hopped in with new characters (except Duder Moss, more on that later) and continued toward their goal: Pigzits! Come Hel or high water, they were going to get *something* before the night was out!

PCs:

Back through the Purple Hills and into the Dawnlands for a much more peaceful trek. They arrived in the box valley that housed the red river, tower, and location of our Magical School of Usury. Stumbled here a bit on my end as I tried to remember details between Dunder’s notes and my own previous visit. I probably sounded pretty phoned-in as well, but maybe I can pawn that off on coming from a 12hr shift. Nonetheless, the wine river was crossed, the cavern entered, and the delve began proper.

I made several references, some more sarcastic than necessary, regarding the previous visit: old chains not connected to anything, an illusory dragon that breathed fire (that one was fun), and some minor details about the doors and floor. After nearly having a heart attack regarding the dragon, they pushed open the doors to the main hall and I got to read the silliest boxed text I’ve ever recited:

[An immense set of lips with what appears to be several layers of thick lipstick melds out from the wall (nag voice activated)]

<Dunder here, the Magic Mouth spell was mine, but the lipstick was all Angry Steak. I had neglected to mention in my prep materials that I had envisioned Pigzits as an All-Boys School. This will come up again later.>

“Attention Students! We regret that the Speaking Skull has ended its own existence. We warned you not to spend all your oracle credits repeatedly asking it about female anatomy!”

Remember how I said I don’t remember much about Harry Potter? This was probably a reference.

<It was not. Just a joke scribbled in my prep notebook. I love it that the party reacts so negatively to it! Good Job Steak!>

Nonetheless, the group tried to slice through the thing to shut it up. It’s okay, I hate nagging, too.

After some fiddling with the map and a quick scan, the party spotted two pairs of large double-doors. They chose not to mess with these for the moment but did ponder spiking them shut. They then headed down the hall to find a his/her/xer bathroom (my joke as there was only a single bathroom).

<Yes, no need to put Boy’s Bathroom when there are no Girls in the School, but how was he to know?>

They “scouted” it by cracking the door and smelling a raunchy and near vomit-inducing stench. Pepsi and his partner gave a listen, heard some disgusting “movements” and chose to ignore it: “I didn’t hear anything, did you?” “Nope.” Nonetheless, Duder Moss lead the group in, hoping to find treasure or something? They turned the corner to find a [redacted] Troll squatting on the sink.

Surprise! For two segments, as well. There was some discussion about Dexterity modifying and reducing surprise, but it sort of went over my head. Far as I can tell, things went as they should have. However, the troll rushed the frontline and immediately began rending flesh… and peach trees. Oh right, Duder’s still got the mutant arm. After the defenders crumbled, James attempted to drag the less wounded to safety. Alas, this enraged the troll even more and added another body to the pile. The others promptly beat feet. Exit, stage right.

<Ach! The heart aches! A DM isn’t supposed to have favorites… but Duder Moss was mine…

I should also point out, that at this point some of the players lamented: Why are Dunder’s dungeons so dangerous?”

With a couple of “Good nights,” the remaining party continued; Duder’s player swapping to a Monk named Varanzuul. The trio, all having thief-like capabilities, chose to press their luck and look for a score. They hit up a strange closet and abused their 10ft poles to retrieve skeletal remains and their goodies. Before leaving, they spotted a nice sack they’d stuffed into a corner while shuffling bones and sent the monk wall-running into the room; letting go of the door and promptly setting the monk into darkness. Thankfully, the other thieves were kind enough to let him out without a ransom.

<This was a trap that I got from John N. McGowan. If you go into the closet to loot the skeletons, the door closes on you. If nobody lets you out, you starve in there like they did… unless it’s a wandering monster that comes to the sound of your pleading and banging…>

A success under their belt, they continued pressing their luck. No luck at the pair of double doors back down the hall so they hit up a locked door in the other wing. This led to the finest bathroom any CEO could have imagined. I dolled this up with waterflow tiles, lavender scents, heated toilet seats, the whole nine yards. “You know what would have made this place perfect? An unseen servant handing out hand towels.” Write that down Dunder!

<Capital Idea!>

After using the facilities, Pepsi washed his hands and noticed that the drain was going slightly slower than it should have. Being an expert in these things, he popped open the under-cabinet and looked at the trap. Turns out, Thieves are also plumbers. Thanks to a solid “Remove Trap” roll, Pepsi popped off the elbow pipe and dug out the hair, slime, and finger slowing the drain. Attached to said finger was a diamond ring. Nice!

Surely nothing can go wrong now! They pressed on across to a teacher’s lounge, which I described in immense luxury (a mistake, as Pepsi immediately plotted how to haul out the leather couches).

<To be fair, the leather couch was a Big Deal to Pepsi’s player in Trollopulous!>

They also fiddled with what looked like hot plates and some beakers. “I feel like this is for coffee, but I don’t see any way to heat the water. I mean, this is a Magic school so maybe there’s a spell or something.” They raided the snack bag cabinet for some Doritos for later and promptly moved on.

Four classroom (1-1 to 1-4, sue me). One chosen at random. Door opened. Stirge swarm dives. Pepsi managed to slam the sliding door shut before the majority made it through, but not before he and Ur-Kur were stabbed. Their life forces were slowly drained, but Pepsi managed to slip his blades in the precise place to prevent his collapse. Ur-Kur was less lucky.

<Alas! Ur-Kur! We hardly KNEW ye!>

The retreat was finally called. Varanzuul’s player had to head out just before the classroom reveal so he “traveled along” until the end. The trek back to the Purple Tower was pretty chill save the 18 (max, btw) Pteradactyl’s descended upon Pepsi and Partner. Luckily, the Evasion dice favored the players, and they made it out safe. Close one!

38 XP was awarded to Pepsi for his Stirge kill (Zuul was afk at the time). The rest is on Dunder since there was a couple notes I needed clarity on.

Here’s how I (Dunder) broke it down:

Monster XP:

• Stirge - 38xp (Pepsilleo only)

Treasure XP:

• Diamond ring - 5,300 gp = 5,300 XP!

• 150 GP = 150 XP

• 3 sets of remarkably well-preserved leather armor (hint, hint) = 900 XP

• 3 remarkably still sharp short swords (hint, hint) = 1,200 XP

Total Treasure XP: 7,550

Pepsilleo: 3,813 XP
Varazuun: 3,775 XP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Ur-Kur: Drained dry by a stirge in Session 9

• Bondar: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• James: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• Duder Moss: Killed by a bathroom troll in Session 9

• Niv the Witless: Killed by Phase Spiders in Downtime 8

• Gimboldt Kegpuncher: Killed by Phase Spiders in Downtime 8

• Morn the Thief: Wedded to a Dryad in the Fae realm in Session 7. He won’t be back for at least 3 years. He seems okay with it. “Wood” - Morn

• Mr PIB the Assassin: Choked to death by a creeper vine in Thelerion’s Loot Cave after trading Morn the Thief to a Dryad for a fragrant vest in Session 7.

• William de Hauteville: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Thelarion: Thought to be Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6 (his body was not found among the remains).

• Kreg: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Og the Druid: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Grief the Thief: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock in Session 3.

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch in Session 2.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch in Session 2.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool in Session 1. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

Your sacrifices… will not have been in vain… probably…

For those wondering what a typical Downtime order looks like in Hel Delvers, I offer this from Brokkar. Each player has a dedicated downtime channel in the discord that is private to them and the DMs.

Brokkar -
03/26/2026
Brokkar Ranger 1
Tooch's Tower (19.12) ← (This is his starting hex number)
Action: Traveling to Hibbou's caravan alongside Grimboldt, Duder, Pack-Mule, and Niv to sell our treasure from Elfland (robe and medallion worth 2400 GP combined)
Traveling to: Outside the gates of Goldhold (15.10)
Travel speed: 9"

With this info, I have all I need to roll chance to get lost, see how far he moves in a day’s travel, and see what terrain he will be in at what time for rolling encounter checks. I also know what he wants to do when he arrives.

Cog Nostril -

Still training. Unavailable for Downtime Orders

Duder Moss -

Here’s where things get a little weird. Firstly, Duder Moss escaped the last adventure somewhat… disfigured. His arm got turned into an elven Peach Tree Sapling. He wanted to try to sell the arm to Hibobu. and this is how DM BDubs handled it…

You see, someone in the Discord created a function where they can type /dunder and it will pull a random reaction face from my channel. BDubs has started using these to roll reactions from NPC Patrons calling it the Dunder Reaction Roll System or DURRS for short. And if that’s not weird enough… Duder Moss’s next declared action was that he was making “Armpeach Cobbler” for all the adventurers as they planned their next session! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS CAMPAIGN???

Girthald the Broad -

Searching for a Druid to train him.

Grark -

Grark is Solo-Training, which means it takes twice as long and as a result, costs twice as much. Lucky for him he sold a pack of Jaloks to Ronan for big bucks!

Grimboldt and Niv -

Well, this one is tough. Had our first characters die in downtime! Grimboldt and Niv. After agreeing to travel to Goldhold with Duder Moss, they got into a weird negotiation to get the merchants to come out since Goldhold was still buttoned up tight. They sold some stuff and negotiated to capture some juvenile piercers for the merchants, on condition that they could show that the piercers were tamable. I have no idea people, this is just normal player stuff though. Harebrained Schemes aplenty!

Pretty sure that Angry Steak was running this downtime adjudication for them. Anyway, they left to go capture these piercers, came to a section of washed-out road, and were attacked by big spiders. Well, they turned out to be Phase Spiders! I don’t exactly know how Duder Moss escaped, (maybe he threw the armpeach cobbler to distract them?) but sadly Niv and Grimboldt were done in by the Phase Spiders.

Ho Khogan -

Traveling to Firsthaven, scouting with his Hawk familiar, Okerlund. Seriously, why don’t people want to travel with THIS GUY? He spotted some Sagoths (think bigfoot lookin’ mammajammas), toyed with charming them, but decided to evade. Here was Ho’s path. And below you can read his SEEN post (it rolled Public Knowledge on GOSS).

Hurrim (Triple H)

Hurrim was set to travel from Firsthaven to Hibobu’s caravan, but fortunately, Hibobu arrived in town before he could leave! He resupplied on arrows and rations and purchased some Scale Mail from Hibobu and also arranged Training to Level 2!

Share Dunder Moose

MORE SEEN POSTS (in respose to Session 8):

What will happen in Session 9? Will Dunder return to run it? Will they all go back to Elfland? Who is in charge of this whole thing anyway???

A couple more Dunderreactions for you (or would they be Moosejaks?):

Well folks, old Dunder is still under the weather, wouldn’t you know it? Rough throat. Coughs galore! Am I bothered? Nope! I have a robust campaign world and amazing players who aren’t afraid to take the reins! Recoom’s player offered to DM for the group, who wanted to follow up on a Rumor from the Umbros News Network. This quote comes directly from the UMBROS NEWS NETWORK, which is our campaigns channel for SEEN posting.

And at the last moment, something came up and he wasn’t able to DM the group! Was he bothered? NOPE! We have a robust campaign world and a stable of amazing players who aren’t afraid to take the reins!!! Angry Steak reprised his role as tour guide through Elfland. Read on to discover what happened. Enjoy! - Dunder

Tonight’s circumstances were not unlike last week’s, but with much shorter notice. Our guest GM had something come up as we were gathering for the session and had to take care of it. Meanwhile, what do you do with the group that’s ready and waiting to go on an adventure? If you read the last report, you know the answer.

I’ve said before that I’m not on the up and up on AD&D’s systems, but my own reading of much of Gary’s advice is this: keep the game fun, shoot for what people want, and don’t overthink it. Perhaps I’m reading too much into specific sentences here or there, but the clubhouse requires trust and good faith action. To wit: Gary often speaks of ensuring the game is challenging and satisfying; things that are healthy for continued long-term play. He also notes setting barracks-room lawyers and the like straight. Good faith gaming vs bad faith. It really is as simple as that.

One thing I learned when I ran at my FLGS years back (5e) is that flexibility is a necessary skill, and I was ready to do whatever was needed and worry about the details later. Knowing that my Bros have my back adds to that confidence. God bless them.

Tonight’s crew:

The players decided to visit Elfland, rumoured to contain wondrous treasures and magics! Also beautiful wood-wives. What made this round entertaining is that only Niv’s player was familiar with the events of last session: it was a near-blind run! With that in mind, these guys got to run through the silly 100% F-U-N portion (that I have now decided is the “key” to entry): a blue-silver 20” statue of the Princess Larazel!

I do not recall who it was that said this: “Well, I’ve been learning a thing or two about thag riding so I’m going to take some of this rope and lasso that there statue!” It took a few tries, but her plucked right out and into his hand like a proper trophy. He even would have tipped his hat, if he had one! With the statue obtained and no other clear exits, the party headed back out the hollow’s tunnel… Then their eyes fluttered and they awakened.

The lush grove of peaches, pears, and plums was much the same. The faerie circle had gained the start of some morels (nearly that time), too. Per usual, they were starving; and this put the party on edge. They immediately brandished weapons and made a defensive circle before scanning the grove. Soon, one spotted a man in green hood. They called out a threat/greeting and learned that this man (Morn, former Thief, current husband) had tangled himself in a net of woven vines. They helped cut him loose before asking him about the area.

Though I was tempted to hand off the reigns to Morn’s player (Niv), I chose to keep things moving. Morn told the party about his wood-wife, the wedding, and the Sidhe down the road. He also offered them fruit from the orchard. Duder Moss was particularly forthcoming as he chose the thiccest, juiciest peach and gave it a taste. Once he realized its effects, particularly being instilled with vigor, he ate a few more and offered it to the others. They were much more hesitant and munched on their bland, flavorless, probably stale, and certainly not fresh rations! Still, those healing properties were nothing to scoff at so they packed a few for the road.

Upon arriving at the Sidhe, paranoia began to set in. Perhaps my description of the lifelike unicorn statues was cause for concern. The mason (I believe it was the Dwarf Grimboldt?) spent some time calculating the potential cost, weight, and logistics of retrieving one of the statues; meanwhile Duder Moss tried feeding one a peach hoping he could tame it. No dice. After this, they headed into the Sidhe and began their delve.

Did time pass? Did it not? Welcome to Elfland. The rooms were not unlike the previous delve; obelisk and rotten bodies met with the same caution, honeybees were tempting but they lacked a jar. So it was they moved into the tower-like chamber filled with hanging roots and vines. This one instantly threw up red flags as the party discussed their approach. One of them spotted a rusty hatchet head in the freshly turned soil, as well as a smattering of bones.

Grimboldt took the lead here to scan for secret doors and passages, choosing to move around the edge of the room counterclockwise. Though none were found, he did spot the desiccated corpse of an adventurer wearing a lavender-coloured vest that appeared to be flowering. The warning calls immediately sprung out as Pack Mule launched a bullet at the corpse and found it dry as a dust mummy. Grim caught sight of a vined ladder leading to a trapdoor in the ceiling and advised the mapper to make a note: “Burn killer vines, trapdoor.” The party decided to retreat from this area and check elsewhere. On the way out, Grim spotted one of the vines tracking his movements. “Burn SENTIENT killer vines, trapdoor” was added to the map.

The group soon moved to the common area where the four unknown doors waited; recall that one had a silver handle. The main note of concern from the party was becoming surrounded or getting ambushed. They chose a door, listened at it, and chose to make their checks slow and secure. The first room was a simple bedroom adorned for two: bunk bed, footlocker, chair, table, basin of flowing water, etc. They were tempted to check the footlocker but decided to let it alone for that moment.

As time pressed on, Grimboldt noted the urgency in falling back. He wanted nothing to do with whatever might find the party, and things were “too quiet” up until now. The proposal that followed lead to shenanigans: “Just tear off the silver handle, we can sell that.” Classic. To their credit, the party decided to actually open the door and check the room first. At this point, Niv and Duder immediately felt happy! As if all their problems were floating away! And they were!… alongside themselves.

It turns out, the entire room was actually upside down, and they just walked into it properly. Things got a bit noisy here, but the description of the room added some temptations; the brass locked footlocker, in particular. A quick gear check and the now Reversed pair began chopping away to get at a prize. It took 3 turns of work, but they managed to open a hole to fit their arm… just as their happy thoughts were fading! A quick thrust of an arm and something was snatched as the pair tumbled back to the ceiling-floor. The others tossed some rope down and they examined their prize: a fine-threaded green cloak with golden trim, and a unicorn medallion of silver, gold, and various valuable stones and gems.

Grim reiterated his desire to head out, but all that work left the group pretty tired (except those feeling invigorated by the faerie fruits). They had the option of taking a breather in the nearby passage or working toward the obelisk room. Needless to say, they wanted nothing to do with the obelisk. Then, wouldn’t you believe it? Piercers!

Except not. 95% chance to surprise, right? I rolled a 97. I don’t know how the Ranger would affect this, but nonetheless he spotted the things slowly working their way into position. He called the retreat and the party pushed out of the Sidhe and into the twilight! Another quick breather and they were back in the grove. They talked to Morn a little bit before packing a bunch of the fruits and readying to head home. Oh! I forgot to mention; Duder Moss made a specific determination to keep the peach pits from what he ate! Fun.

Another eye flutter and they awakened inside a smaller, tighter hollow filled with old bones and moldy bits from the less lucky. Now began a series of Good News and Bad News. “Duder, I need you to roll 3d10 and save vs Spells.” The results as follows: Duder’s beard and hair had grown into a wild mane and mess, and all that extra vigour was instantly gone. Why, he must have aged 6 years! Worse yet, he couldn’t use his left arm! The peach pits had used his muscle, flesh, and bone as a seedbed and had grown into foot-tall saplings! His response? “I should cut off my arm and sell it to Hibobu for his freak show.” He’d better hope inflation doesn’t result in Hibobu asking for the leg, too.

Monster XP: None (temporary evasive maneuvers doesn’t count!)

Treasure XP:

• Fine green cloak with golden trim, unicorn medallion (300gp+2100gp: 2400gp).

• Duder Moss’s bizarre elven Peach Tree Sapling Arm 200GP

Party making their own plans for shares (as we should).

Duder Moss F1 - 680 XP
Pack Mule F1 - 480 XP
Brokkar R1 - 480 XP
Niv the Witless F1 - 480 XP
Grimboldt Kegpuncher DF1 - 480 XP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Morn the Thief: Wedded to a Dryad in the Fae realm in Session 7. He won’t be back for at least 3 years. He seems okay with it. “Wood” - Morn

• Mr PIB the Assassin: Choked to death by a creeper vine in Thelerion’s Loot Cave after trading Morn the Thief to a Dryad for a fragrant vest in Session 7.

• William de Hauteville: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Thelarion: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Kreg: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Og the Druid: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Grief the Thief: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock in Session 3.

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch in Session 2.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch in Session 2.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool in Session 1. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

We will remember. Grok, play Your Wildest Dreams, from the Legal Eagles soundtrack, by The Moody Blues

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Brogan Stonefist

Brogan’s player did not like the Appendix N essay requirement for leveling up.

Cog Nostril

After giving Tootch the finger, Cog traveled on to Goldhold in the hopes of Training. He met with a tribe of Orcs in the wilderness! They tried to charge him and capture him with nets, but he had too much range on them and was able to escape! He arrived at Goldhold on March 20th to find it completely closed to outsiders (Cointhrall had been killed in combat with Ferigno the Dragon in a Braunstein and Iron Rider had sealed the Vault against outsiders!) Here is the SEEN Post about his arrival:

They won’t let him in “Dwarves ONLY!” but they will train him for the next 2 weeks to level 3! Cog Nostril will not be available for adventuring or Downtime orders until April 4th.

Duder Moss

Went in search of companions to go explore the Tower that was mentioned in this SEEN post. He didn’t have any coin to spread around so he was dependent on Word of Mouth…

George the Thief

No Dowtime Orders given.

Girthald the Broad

Girthald has gone in search of a Trainer.

Grark

Ronan was mighty pleased with his Jalok and gave Grark a couple men to go get him more. I was sick as a dog at this point and had gone almost nonresponsive in the Discord. Lucky for me, Grark’s player knows the game and wasn’t afraid to run the whole encounter for me, with updates on his rolls and what happened. Check it out!

Grark’s adventure

Day1: No encounter, not lost
Day2: no encounter, not lost
Day3: no encounter, not lost
Day4: no encounter, not lost
Day5: not lost, encounter at midnight T-Rex! Both parties surprised. Reaction 78, friendly immediate action. Actions declared, both parties move away from each other and evade.
Day6: party decides to move straight to the Jalock lair. The party does not get lost. Grark will sacrifice his rations to try to convince the Jalocks of his good nature. 3 rounds of surprise for the party. Due to Grark’s previous interaction with the Jalocks, the reaction is adjusted to 45 with unfriendly. While the Jalocks are unsure of Grark’s offer, the largest of the pack approaches and growls in challenge. Grark sets spear against charge, dealing subdual damage. Jalock charges.
Simultaneous initiative. Jalock hits and deals 7 damage Grark hits and deals 27 damage (8 real, 19 subdual). The Jalock leader is knocked unconscious!
Grark allows the other Jalocks to inspect their leader and determine that Grark does not wish to kill them. He offers them the rations once again to follow him. With an 84, they accept.
The remainder of Day6 and 7 are spent traveling to Firsthaven. There are no other encounters on day 6.
Day7. No encounter, not lost. The party arrives in Firsthaven and are reunited with the other Jalock.

Grark spent the rest of the time training in Firsthaven, and his player wrote a book report on chapter 2 of Lin Carter’s Throngor at the End of Time.

Ho Khogan

Having successfully replaced the Fine Gemstone in the Strange Bird’s tiara with costume jewelry, Ho Khogan traded it to Tootch for a Wand of Fearing. Tootch also agreed to waive the cost of training Ho Khogan in exchange for unrestricted access to Ho’s spellbook (Tootch doesn’t know Identify yet…) Ho will be in training until March 25. Also, he learned that his Strange Bird seems to really enjoy live meals…

Hurrim

When we last saw Hurrim he was in some dire straits indeed! His belly was distended from the disease he got off the 9’ tall Dwarf Corpse! He had lost a point of STR, a point of CON and his movement was reduced to 6”! He was thinking of plunging the jeweled dagger into his own aching belly to releive the pain (this must have been what Horrid did!). But his friends found a rare traveling cleric who was loyal to the Homestone to cast Cure Disease on him for 1,250 GP. He spent the rest of the time recovering his Strength and Constitution. His belly returned to normal, but he has stretch marks like a Jalok scratched his abs.

Lean Jean

No DT orders given.

Markos

Markos decided to keep the subdued Firedrake and spent the time buying livestock for it to eat.

Recoom

No DT orders given. Presumably still searching the swamps for Hooja…

What will happen next? How will the game change in Session 8 when Dunder’s not even there to DM? There’s only one way you will find out… Stay Tuned you Classy Cavemen!

Dramatis Personae:

Hagrid Swolekeeper F1

Morn T1

Mr PIB A1

This will be a guest post by none other than Thelerion’s player, @Angry_Steak!

I was triple booked on Tuesday (and unbeknowst to me, about to come down crashingly ill) and so, even though he was freshly grieved from the horrible immolation of his fascinating character, he magnanimously (magnanimoose?) agreed to run the guys through the search for Thelerion’s LOOT!

Enjoy! - Dunder

Umbros Interim: Adventures in Elfland

Let me ask you something: When your game master needs to skip out because of IRL obligations, how do you respond? If you answered anything except, “Keep the game going. Duh?” then you might want to hop on Kickstarter and check out Winning Secrets! “But I don’t have anything ready!” Are you about to tell me your game has nothing worth exploring, filling in, or expanding on? Have faith, bro.

DM Moose, guide to those silly boys the Hel Delvers, needed to take care of some obligations this week. After the previous session where Thelarion, of Elfland lost his life to a Firedrake’s breath weapon, I proposed taking the treasure stash Thelarion was building and turning it into a hook. Even losses can provide game content. Since Thelarion was an elf and I had other plans in place (involving Unicorn hunting), I began coming up with ideas to toss at Moose and ease any extra burden from my proposal. It was shortly after this that he announced his absence for a week.

My response? Since Thelarion was my PC and I was already trying to help with the planning, it wouldn’t exactly be right for me to profit from it. His absence created the serendipitous opportunity for me to just run the adventure myself. This is the important part, though: I just took an old map I had, (re)keyed some rooms, adjusted to taste and threw in some Faerie flavor. Keep in mind that I barely understand AD&D and have little practice under my belt, but this is what good faith games are for: get in there and practice!

“Elves are soulless, ask any man! There in a second and gone in blink! Never trust ‘em and certainly never make a deal! They’ll take your honour, your life, your soul and seed and leave you barer than a babe in the Umbral Lands!” -Granny Gilzberg, Firsthaven.

Those who witnessed his death among the flames of dragonfire speak that he did not merely boil, but burned to nothing; a puff of ash where once flesh stood, as if he was never ought but deadwood in the inferno. Thelarion, of Elfland was all he called himself.

Now, his visage revisits his old companions and strangers alike with a wicked smile on his face:

“What never lived may never die, yet in my home my treasures lie,

A useless wish I traded well, before this form was sent to Hel,

In hollowed tree the path awaits, the magic lies beyond the gates,

Come now ye fools and face your fates.”

Note: The rhyme references the sale of the Limited Wish scroll and the fact that Elves don’t have souls (seriously, check Raise Dead in AD&D)

I ran for 3 players, with 2 maybes that ended up busy (St. Patrick’s Day): a Thief, Assassin, and Fighter. Dusting off the rust, I spent quite a bit explaining the dream and just hopping the party to the location of the stash: “It came to you in the dream.” At this point, I couldn’t resist playing a joke and referencing a comment from the Hel Delver’s channel about death. I made a 100% guaranteed F-U-N dungeon and mapped it for all to see! This silly detour was played straight and only took about 20-25 minutes. It took them into the hollow of an ancient tree and resulted in finding a mythril statue of the Princess of Elfland, Larazel.

Arrival in Elfland (Faerie Edition) was a simple case of waking up in a Faerie Circle. This one happened to be in a lush grove full of fruiting trees. The Assassin, being an Elf, woke up first (yeah yeah, sleep resist) and began speaking with a Dryad he’d spotted staring down at him and his companions. She asked if he owned “the cute one (the thief)” and the assassin immediately “traded” the Thief for a +1 Flowering Vest (+1 Studded Leather, sweet smelling). The Thief then received the kiss and became a love slave. Great start!

Transport through the veil left the party extraordinarily hungry. The fighter was stubborn and munched his rations while the other two partook of the Dryad’s fruits: peaches, pears, plums. They learned the fruits had healing properties, and after speaking with the Dryad about a sidhe (that’s hill for you non-nerds), they gathered a few and headed off. After this, the delve began proper.

What followed was a cautious and careful exploration of several twilit chambers of stone and root; a complex formed of engineering prowess and wild magic. The first room contained a series of dead corpses in various states of composition: “That’s bait.” They soon after discovered a giant honey beehive in new construction with what appeared to be a narrow hall above for the harvesting of the honey (proportional to what, Gary?). After dodging a few young piercers in another hallway and skipping opening the “door with silver handle,” the group entered a room filled with hanging roots. I couldn’t find an assassin vine and weighed reskinning the Man of War, but discovered the choke creeper soon after. The tendrils of which caught and eventually killed the Elf Assassin (taking along his perfumed vest). The other two decided to mount a retreat.

Prior to exiting, The Thief recalled that he was supposed to bring a gift back to his new wood-wife. Back in the entry where the dead bodies fell, our dear Thief delved into the black spire that was the centerpiece. He saw a rose gold crown set with shining garnet, and after one hell of a save against unknown, and infuriating, magic, he plucked his prize and rejoined the fighter. Speaking of plucking, he tried to get the garnet out of the crown and chipped it. Still made for a fine gift, or at least the fighter thought so.

With that, we more or less wrapped for the night. 1 Kill, 1 Married, 1 Back to Umbros. Btw, the mythril statue ended up being an 8” art piece made of silver instead of mythril. Turns out you shouldn’t trust things touched by the Fae.

Word counter says I’m above 1000, more’s the pity. We enjoy keeping track of events in the reports, but with the institution of a hybrid of GOSS/SEEN generating so much content, there will soon be too much to translate. Don’t believe me? Check out Rule of Thule’s Drakonheim AAR. He explains so much and still it was just the tip of the iceberg. Don’t forget about Winning Secrets, either! That way, the next time your DM wanders off, to work or to Elfland, you can step up and continue strengthening the bonds of your bros.

XP

• Discovering and surviving the Fae realm = 1,000 XP

• Piercer = 15 XP

Subtotal: 1,015 XP

XP from Treasure

• Silver Statue = 500 XP (kept by Hagrid 500 GP worth)

• Tiara = 2,250 XP (original value 2500, but the Garnet got chipped)

Subtotal: 2,750 XP

Grand Total: 3,765 XP

Hagrid Swolekeeper - 1883 XP & Statue worth 500GP

Morn - 1883 XP and no GP because he’s got a woman (I mean, technically he’s still alive, though charmed and trapped in the Fae).

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Morn the Thief: Wedded to a Dryad in the Fae realm in Session 7. He won’t be back for at least 3 years. He seems okay with it. “Wood” - Morn

• Mr PIB the Assassin: Choked to death by a creeper vine in Thelerion’s Loot Cave after trading Morn the Thief to a Dryad for a fragrant vest in Session 7.

• William de Hauteville: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Thelarion: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Kreg: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Og the Druid: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Grief the Thief: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock in Session 3.

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch in Session 2.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch in Session 2.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool in Session 1. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

Such pangs! Such wist! Siri, play The Mummer’s Dance by Loreena McKennitt!

There was a lot going on! There was a Braunstein event at Tootch’s tower on March 14, which you can read about here! Additionally, the next session would be adjudicated by @Angry_Steak a guest DM! (see next post!)

Brogan Stonefist

Brogan traveled to Goldhold to find a trainer. He has enough XP to jump two levels! But only enough money to train to level2. AD&D economics are TOUGH! Upon arrival he was dismayed to find Goldhold was sealed and reinforced against outsiders on order of Iron Rider! Cointhrall is fallen! However, Brogan called out in the native tongue of the stonefathers and implored them to admit a fellow Dwarf. His pleas were answered (via DM from the patron player running Iron Rider, see how this inter-level stuff works?) and he was admitted for training, and granted a +1 longsword by the Dwarf Patron. His training will cost 1,500 GP for level 2 and take a full week. This is time-jail. If he wants to take part in the Tuesday night session, he will need to use another PC because Brogan’s time is committed. If this sounds awful to you, it is because you are not used to 1:1 time. If you haven’t played this way and experienced how much better it is you will be saddened by the reality check that the calendar delivers: Your PC is not the main point of this world… it will turn on and on without him… also the game wants to kill him… the challenge is to conquer the world with the resources you are given… time is a resource…

Also, time jail, combined with mandating Method 3 means that you do not just get to make a carbon copy of your last character and change the first letter of his name. Your next guy may be an Illusionist or a Thief based on the stats, so it forces you to build a stable of characters and learn every corner of the game. This may sound rough if you are on the other side of this playstyle, but trust me, it is compelling! If... you… can… TAKE IT!

Oh yes! I forgot to mention. BDubs is enforcing an additional requirement for levelling in UMBROS. The player must submit a 500+ word book per level gained! These will be posted in the #appendix-N channel of the Discord. This will probably be a further filter to the low-effort player if the above hasn’t already washed you out.

Cog Nostril

Cog gave Tootch the finger. Let me rephrase, he procured a finger off the dead giant dwarf named Horrid, that he delivered to Tootch as part of some weird pre-arranged bargain. Yuck! Sometimes it’s best not to ask what the PCs and Patron Players have going on… Cog said something about wanting gills next… gills.

Duder Moss

Acquired a Thag from Hibobu (Patron-Level Character) and spent some time training prior to the Joust at Tootch’s. Sadly, he got unhorsed (unthagged?) in the first round and acquired the moniker “Fool Rider.” He spent the rest of the time before the next session practicing riding his Thag.

George the Thief

George the Thief was spotted visiting the shrine to the Hel Delvers who have passed on in the service of Tootch’s Wyrd Whims. Under the facet etched with Kreg’s name the little Gnome was seen reverently laying a pair of boots and gently folded cloak.

Girthald the Broad

Girthald traveled to Firsthaven with Markos and Hurrim. Girthald has kindly taken possession of the late William de Hauteville’s faithful dog “Warhound.” And spent the week training the dog to respond to commands with astonishing success!

For a peek behind the curtain on how this stuff works, BDubs rolled a GOSS check to determine how this would become known with a result of “public knowledge.” As he said to Girthald’s character: “Everyone knows… for some reason.”

So Girthald’s player composed the following and posted it on his private channel. Then BDubs copied it out to the Umbros News Network channel where all the SEEN posts are displayed.

“Firsthaven locals report a war dog of unusual intelligence padding about town on its own, carrying a coin-purse and a scrap of parchment in its teeth as it moves from shop to shop. Witnesses say the dog patiently queues at food stalls, drops coins on counters, and barks once at each vendor while the parchment is consulted for “meat, cheese, and bread.” One merchant swears he saw the beast trot off with smoked thag, hard cheese, and coarse loaves neatly bundled in a sack on its collar, headed back toward the city gate.”

Grark

Ronan was pleased with the Jalok and asked for 2 more, pledging men under Grark’s command to help. Grark went back to the Jalok lair encountering a T-Rex on the way! The reaction check was favorable, and the two parties avoided each other. Grark wasn’t so lucky with the leader of the pack, which charged him, but he set spear and knocked it out in the first round, suffering a bite to his arm. After letting the others sniff their downed leader, Grark offered them food and won the reaction check, leading 4 Jaloks back to Ronan as a prize!

This DT was remarkable because I ghosted the server for a while. Whereas I had run the DT encounters with Grark in DMs for his first Jalok encounter, he was given the nod to run it himself by BDubs in my absence. He listed out his plan for each day, and his rolls for each element. “Day 1: No encounter, not lost… Day 5: not lost, encounter at midnight T-Rex! Both parties surprised. Reaction 78, friendly immediate action. Both parties move away and evade.”

This may be historic, if I’m not making too big a deal out of it. One of the largest perceived problems with the Always-On method was what became pejoratively labeled “Farmdweebing,” wherein Players would solo game and generate a lot of content that didn’t directly interact with the rest of the game until it showed up with an outsized impact, seemingly out of the blue. We are seeing if the SEEN system can handle those types of actions by making them known to the group, so that it can matter. “If nobody saw it, it didn’t happen” after all. If SEEN solves farmdweebing… well, then Always-On is back on the menu boys!

Here’s the thing. Braunstein is the most powerful and weirdest thing the Bros advocate for in the way we play. Independent actors operating in conflict under a fog of war. Everyone knows how to roleplay. Everyone knows how to explore and do combat. The fog of war bit is the key, and we are out of practice at manipulating it. The things that Tony Bath showed us in his Hyperboria campaign, that Gary took as obvious, have been cast aside by those that came after. As we strive to play the kind of grand games they did, the problems and solutions are showing up. Outsiders are confounded and irritated by our acronyms and terminology: GOSS, SEEN. I’m telling you, the detractors don’t even have the VOCABULARY to anklebite us anymore. They would have to play this way to have a hope of critiquing us now. And if they played this way all their deepest questions would become obvious.

Let me not digress. The proper handling of Fog of War between the DMs (yes plural!) and the Patron-Level Players as well as the Adventurer-Level Players (and yes, some players man a character each of both roles) is the key to the game. SEEN PIERCES the Fog of War so that everyone’s actions, whether in-session or downtime solo, are discoverable to the game, and so matter to generate convergence. GOSS PROTECTS the Fog of War by obfuscating some of the moves, whether secretive or open under a layer of rumor and gossip. The news travels the way it would back then, tantalizing and untrustworthy. These two act together to make sure the Fog never evaporates completely or becomes too opaque. The glimpses, the uncertainty makes room for decisions that pull people out of their turtle posture and gins ‘em up to go cause a ruckus!

Whew! Felt good to get that out. AND THE BEST PART IS: The people who skip reading the downtime reports TOTALLY MISSED THIS! Ha! That’ll teach them. #ThankYouJeffro #ThankYouCrom #ThankYouSeriousDM

Ho Khogan

Ho Khogan also traveled to Goldhold but was rebuffed: “Leave, Thunderlips! Dwarves only!” He tried to negotiate but when the crossbow centered on his chest he saw the point. Went back to Tootch’s tower with his Hawk Familiar scouting the way. He swapped out the unusually fine gem from the Tiara the Strange Phoenix with a woman’s head was wearing with a piece of costume jewelry and she didn’t notice. He traded the fine gem for a Wand of Fearing from Tootch. Tootch also agreed to Train Ho Khogan to level 2 in exchange for a look through his spell book. (Tootch wants to learn Identify I think.) He also learned that his Phoenix really enjoys live meals. His GOSS check for this revealed: Hidden Order, so no SEEN post was needed.

Ah, here’s another thing… This blog. I’m trying to lay down a record of what happened, and what I learned running this thing. I’m going to be more open here than the game will allow. I don’t want to wreck the game by destroying the Fog Of War that SEEN and GOSS allow, but I also don’t want to obfuscate what really happened from my future self and readers who are interested in this playstyle.

Others who have struggled with this in the past have resolved it by waiting a month or more to post their session reports to preserve that fog. I’m not doing that here. If you are a player, please Play your Role by having your character respond to what THEY know from the SEEN posts, not what you know metafictionally from following along here.

Also please let me know if this is wrecking it. One possible option I have is to lock this kind of thing behind Substack’s paywall if I can ever figure out how to set that up. That would keep the players and the anklebiters alike at bay.

Hurrim

Hurrim only just barely made it to Firsthaven with Girthald and Markos! Over the journey, his stomach started to ache and eventually he lost 1 point of STR and 1 point of CON and his movement slowed to 6” He realized the dagger that he pulled from Horrid’s distended belly was not cursed. It was likely Horrid that stuck it there, in an effort to get relief from this dread disease. The action was starting to look more and more sane to Hurrim as his suffering increased… Luckily the three found a Cleric willing to cast Cure Disease on Hurrim for 1,250 GP. He spent the remainder of the time healing HP. At the end of his recovery, he will also recover his STR and CON points. His tummy is back to normal size, but he has stretch marks like a Jalok scratched his abs.

Lean Jean

Lean Jean spent the time moving back to Tootch’s tower in time for the tournament. He marked his passage to make it a known route, avoiding the chances of getting lost in the future along this route.

Markos

Markos found a man in Firsthaven willing to buy the tamed Firedrake, but he required Markos to stay with him a full day to train and transfer the loyalty over. Markos declined and opted to keep the monster. He spent the rest of his downtime purchasing livestock to feed it and keeping an ear out for news of Hooja’s whereabouts.

Recoom

No DT orders given. Presumably still searching the swamps for Hooja…

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What will happen next? How will the game change in Session 7 when Dunder’s not even there to DM? There’s only one way you will find out… Stay Tuned you Classy Cavemen!

Dramatis Personae:

Cog Nostril Half-Orc F1

Girthald the Broad D1

Grief the Thief T1

Kreg F1

Og the Druid D1

Thelarion of Elfland A1

Hurrim F1

Markos C1

William de Hauteville F1

So, remember how I complained about my players selling the only key to the megadungeon last time? Well, so, I’m not trying to put my finger on the scales or anything. No dice fudging, and I am not pulling any punches, that’s for dang sure. But part of the Charity massacre that was last week’s game was giving them a chance, if they were clever, to open the door anyway.

What ACTUALLY happened.

Elf downtime request: Ima trade it for some potions. May come in handy, never know.

So, here’s the deal. Players complain about the lethality of this campaign, but then don’t talk to each other, and compulsively sell every possible advantage as soon as they get back. They are taking me aside after the session to try to give me advice on how low reward vs high risk it feels. What am I to do? Should I change my approach?

I’m wracked with self-doubt. Am I failing? And then the words of Gary rise unbidden to cut through the fog! “Never give a sucker an even break.”

So here’s the deal. I’m going to give them one more chance, another way into the Megadungeon. But it’s going to get harder and harder each time they screw up! I will either forge the best players the BROSR has ever borne witness to, or I will stub this campaign out like a Macanudo into the ashtray of their burned Character Sheets!

I am interested in ways to make the downtime less solo. After last night’s episode about Drakonheim and the SEEN system, I’m very much leaning toward making each player do a SEEN post at the end of their downtime orders and then sharing a digest on the SEEN channel. If you have any advice, cautions or questions let me know in the comments. Also, if you haven’t watched that episode, it’s a doozy.

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This session started on Tuesday, March 10th. Markos got some info in Downtime regarding the book they found in the Moon Pool dungeon behind the secret door. You know, the one that gave the secret history of the SuperScience Facility that has topped the entrance to Hel’s domain on Mount Rend on the Helrock? The same little book that explained the Origin of the Homestone, and it’s opposite: The DoomStone?

Markos took THAT book to Firsthaven, probably to sell it to Ronan. He showed it to him and Ronan pointed out an inscription on the cover:

“If found, please return to Preston Digitalis, Headmaster of the Pigzits Shool for Magic and Usury in the Valley of the Iguanadon.”

Perhaps the writer of this journal would have MORE information on the Doomstone, and intelligence which could be use to crack open the entrance to the Megadungeon?

Also in Downtime, Hurrim had rolled up a random encounter in the Dawnlands. Fortress. Not sure what this result means in the UMBROS setting, so I went to the DMG Castle table in Appendix C. DMG182-3. Rolled up a small tower. Ha! Synchronicity!

So armed with this information the party decided to seek out Pigzits School of Magic and Usury in the Valley of the Iguanadon, in the hex where Hurrim had found the tower!

It took them a day and a morning to get there, with no random encounters along the way. They stood before a rugged valley in the hills. A red river glistened in the stone light, and in the distance, they could see a rustic tower.

They sent the Elf on ahead to make use of his stealth and ability to surprise while away from the noisy, clanking, nose-whistle breathers of the party. And a good thing they did, too!

They went to refill their water skins after the journey, only to find that the water of the river actually was red, with a purple foam on the surface. The river smelled sweet and alcoholic. While they were daring each other to taste it, and deciding to fill their waterskins, they were surprised by 6 Iguanadon! (Party rolled a 1, Iguanadon a 3)

Well, they would have been, except that Thelarion the Elf was away from the party and he surprises on a 4 in 6. So HE wasn’t surprised and could call out to the party, eliminating the Iguanadon’s ability to surprise them.

Time for reaction roll! And the Druid’s got a 15% bonus which took the reaction right to the middle of the table. Neutral. Just six giant monsters with Thumbs-Up claws staring down the party. Nobody was moving. Every breath was bated. Dawnlands standoff…

And I asked,

“How are you going to keep your dog from barking his head off?”

BOOM! Suddenly an innocuous gear decision at PC creation has the power to doom the entire party! William deHauteville said, “Warhound! Heel!” I let him use his charisma bonus on the reaction check… AND IT WAS GOOD! The bestest boy just sat down and looked up at him, whining slightly.

The party wisely skirted around the Iguanodons as far as the valley would let them and circled back toward the tower, approaching it from the North. Only problem was the river was faster and deeper here, although narrower. William took the lead, crossing with a rope and tied it securely to the other side, then crossed back to get his doggo. The party took turns using the rope to cross the swift river and came out of it stained purple from the waist down and smelling of fine wine.

Grief the Thief amazed everyone by picking the lock to the large door at the base of the tower on his first try at level one! Inside were bags of mulch and fertilizer and rock picks and a large shovel. It looked like a groundskeeper’s shed. William deHauteville posted Warhound to guard the front door. Up they went, climbing circular tower wall stairs and through the trapdoor to the next floor. Dust hung in the air, thrown up by the trapdoor flopping open and caught in the slanting rays of the homestone through the many windows. There were a couch and fireplace with rudimentary cooking pot. Up another level was the bedroom, and this room was larger as they had gotten to the floor where the tower flared out. Two rooms were walled off. It was sparse and in definite need of a woman’s touch. Total bachelor pad.

Through one door was a large walk-in closet, and lying in the closed was a 9’ tall dwarf, flat on his back, with a grossly protruding belly. In the center of his domed gut was thrust the jeweled handle of a dagger. On his belt was a sheath with the word “Horrid” embossed upon the leather.

Cog Nostril wasted no time searching the body and finding a pouch of jewels, then decided to liberate the dwarf of a finger. Ew! He was immediately questioned by the other players. He held up his own hand, shy one finger. “Tootch likes ‘em!” he declared and grinned his orciest dwelveman smile. I was very deliberate about asking who was in this large walk-in closet and who was outside. Anyone outside would not have heard the detail about Tootch. Only Thelarion the Elf and Girthald the Druid were outside the room (as well as Wardog who was guarding the entrance on the main floor).

Markos cast detect magic and was surprised to find that the dagger did not read as magical, but as he pivoted and swept the ray about the room, a cloak lit up with the telltale feathery lights of enchantment. He took the cloak, which was large and had a metal clasp fashioned in the shape of a Triceratops head.

Hurrim declared he wanted the dagger, but it was lodged deep. It seemed to have wedged into a vertebra, and I told him he needed to do an open doors check to remove it. He passed his roll, and as the dagger came out, the stomach erupted, spraying everyone in the room with black ichor!!! Everyone was immediately disgusted except Cog Nostril who just shrugged.

They decided to immediately run outside and bathe themselves in the alcoholic wine river to try to kill whatever disease or parasite they had just been exposed to.

The other door from the room led to a bathroom with the toilet seat over an opening in the tower overhang. And climbing the stairs led to another trapdoor to the roof, where they looked out of the crenelations over the dazzling valley. The river sparkled like a ruby and they saw two more packs of Iguanodons to the North. Also, the roof was covered in pigeon poop.

After following the path from the Tower to the south, it gently curved west into a hooded cave in the rock wall. They came to an enormous double door that you could drive a Thag Wagon through. It was chained with a massive padlock, which Greif the Thief also picked successfully!!! Man, that guy has a great career ahead of him! Once again, Wardog was assigned to guard the door.

Inside was a wide hallway heading straight forward, with a small service entrance on the right. The party opened the door to the service entrance and saw that it was too small for two men to walk abreast and swing a weapon. They’d need to go single file. This freaked them out and so they backed out of the smaller tunnel and doomed the party.

Walking down the main hallway, they passed a room that had an old Firedrake in it! No surprise, declare actions and roll initiative! The party decided to attack to subdue! Subdual rules are intense and exist in both the DMG and the Monster Manual entry under Dragons! DMG67, MM30

So everybody except Girthald crowded in to bully the poor thing, but because it was only 5’ long, only two could actually strike it. The rest held their action. Girthald’s player told me he would stay around the corner, out of the direction of a possible breath weapon.

We roll! Initiative is TIED! They beat the brakes off the Firedrake, but it also unleashed its breath weapon attack, hitting everyone but Girthald! I rolled damage: they took 10 HP off the Firedrake. The breath weapon did 13 points damage, or half if you saved. 5 PC’s died in one round. Even the ones who saved went negative hp. Cog went down, but his Constitution bonus kept him from dying outright. Only Girthald, Hurrim and Markos were standing. But I rolled the percentage and guess what…
The Firedrake was subdued! They’d done it! The poor li’l bugger just tucked his tail between his legs, put his head down, put his ears back and licked his lips.

But the damage was done. William deHauteville, Thelerion, Grief the Thief, and Og were all burned to death. The Kreg Jig was up too! (it’s awful that he died, but it’s worth it to get to make that pun) 5 PCs dead in one round… I’m never living this down am I?

Markos healed Cog Nostril, and they gathered whatever gear survived the saving rolls against normal fire and they hied hence, back to Tootch’s Tower. Girthald has taken ownership of Wardog deHauteville.

There were no encounters on the way back, but Hurrim did notice a sharp pain in his abdomen…

I don’t want to spoil the next downtime orders post, but yes… Markos’ player immediately tried to sell the Firedrake and the Magic Cloak (that they still don’t know what it does!) to Tootch when they returned…

SPECIAL THANKS TO THE CHUBBY FUNSTER @ChubbyFunsterGC for his dead dwarf in the closet with a dagger idea!

XP

• 1 Firedrake = 200 XP

• Discovering Pigzits School of Magic and Usury in the Valley of the Iguanadons = 1,000 XP

Subtotal: 1,200 XP

XP from Treasure

• Bag of dwarf gems = 1,140 XP

• Big dwarf finger = 300 XP to Cog only

• Fine Dagger with Silver filigreed handle and ruby pommel = 1,000 XP

• Magic Cloak = 1,000 XP

• Subdued Firedrake = 3,400 XP

Subtotal: 6,540 XP

Grand Total: 7,740 XP

Cog Nostril - 2235 XP & 285GP (from gems)

Girthald the Broad (as in fat, not woman) - 1,935XP & 285GP

Hurrim - 1,935XP & 285GP

Markos - 1,935XP & 285GP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• William de Hauteville: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Thelarion: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Kreg: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Og the Druid: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Grief the Thief: Napalmed to a crisp by Firedrake breath weapon in Session 6.

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban in Session 3.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock in Session 3.

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch in Session 2.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch in Session 2.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool in Session 1. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

Ah, it hurts so much! Alexa play Gotta Get Through This by Daniel Bedingfield!!

Brogan Stonefist

Brogan dropped to 0HP fighting wolves just before the 15 Polio Goblins in Wheelchairs attacked. He spent the week recovering in Tootchville and had one day to sell the Torc (500 GP) and try to find a trainer. He did not find a trainer in that time.

Cog Nostril, Ho Khogan and Girthald
They went to Goldhold in search of something. Will update when they compose SEEN.

Duder Moss

Sat last adventure out. He is in Tootch’s tower with a medium horseman (Thagman?) that he hired in Firsthaven.

George the Thief

Plotting some mischief…

Grark

Sold his Jalok to Ronan in Firsthaven.

Gromnel

Serving Cointhrall, quagmired in some business until further notice.

Hurrim Hazi Hendursaga (HHH)

Hurrim sold the cursed armor to Tootch (Thelarion had the same idea so they split the cash) for 750 GP. On the trip to Firsthaven he ran across a seemingly deserted tower in hex 23.15, deep in a valley.

Kreg

No Downtime reported

Lean Jean DeRoquefort

Traveled to Firsthaven. Spent time in the taverns socializing trying to discern patrolled hexes and planning some hex clearing activities. Researching Dawnlands Monsters.

Markos

Healed Brogan all the way, and himself, then headed to Firsthaven to show the book to Ronan. In the front cover was an inscription: “If found, return to Preston Digitalis, Headmaster at Pigzits School of Magic and Usury in the Valley of the Iguanadon.” Headed back to Tootch’s tower to ask about the whereabouts of Pigzits and the Iguanadon Valley. Encountered a Deadly Chocolate Pudding on the return trip with no surprise at an encounter distance of 9” and with his speed of 9” in chainmail easily outran it’s measly 6” movement.

Recoom

No DT orders given.

Thelarion

Traded the Scroll of Limited Wish to Tootch for some potions… sigh!
Sold the cursed armor to Tootch with Hurrim for 750 GP. Rumors started to spread among locals about a Unicorn in the Purple Hills. Farm-hands were startled to see the grass moving and a unicorn-shaped shadow (they do not know what horses look like), and even heard unicornish sounds in the tall grass over by the standing stones, but just before they could run and tell the farmer that the unicorn was real, they saw Thelarion jump up and run for his life from something. (He rolled an encounter with 8 Shadows, and only just escaped with his life after tossing his rations and 3 hours of running.)

Dramatis Personae:

Cog Nostril Half-Orc F1

Girthald the Broad D1

Brogan Stonefist Dwarf F1

Thelarion of Elfland T1?

Hurrim F1

Markos C1

This session started on Tuesday, March 2nd, with six players kibbitzing about what to do. If you’ll recall, they had followed up an especially harrowing session by selling the only key to the impenetrable mega dungeon entrance, which the whole party except for 2 dwarves had died to secure, to the ruler of the dwarves for 200 GP.

I feel like I haven’t really camped on that decision hard enough. Do you get it? Like really understand the level of the blunder? Picture handing Thorin Oakenshield the Arkenstone and saying, “we may need this back in a minute,”

No! That’s too tame.

Picture if the Arkenstone acted like the Ark of the Covenant from the climax of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now hand THAT Ark-in-Stone to Thorin right before he gets kicked off the Campaign Patron’s property.

That sucker is going into a warehouse full of crates DEEP in Moria!

So, I tossed out some campaign threads that had been forming but may have been overlooked by PCs totally focused on their own deal:

• There is an igloo dungeon that you only partially delved last time on the Helrock. It may have something that will help you get into the mega dungeon.

• Lean Jean had mentioned a Secret door in one of the two 30 x 30 Moon Pool Dungeon rooms that I signposted as not feeling the same size.

• They had a can of silver spray-paint and a suit of full plate mail.

They decided to go back to the Igloo dungeon, but they were super worried about Cuddles. You would be too. Especially without Lean Jean to do the Chris Pratt hand thing. Last time they only got past it by tossing a comatose goblin in its jagged maw!

They haggled for a bit before deciding that Cog Nostril, the Half-Orc should wear the full plate armor, but he elected to wait until they were at the dungeon to don it, as he didn’t want encumbrance to slow the party down.

When they got to the dungeon, they decided that THIS time they wanted to go into the front door. Cog warned them about the slick stairs and they all made it down without biffing it. They rolled up the fine carpet at the bottom of the steps and stashed it on the Thag Wagon.

They headed down the Western pathway and were discouraged to find that the wares in the banana room had been devoured by Cuddles, and even what was left was not even good for banana bread. If only there were a way to keep an entire pantry fresh indefinitely, why one could stock a fort close to the mega dungeon with provisions…

They entered the southern 30 x 30 room, and owing to the natural elven ability to find secret doors, aided of course by Lean Jean telling them where it was last time, they discovered a small closet that contained an old, leatherbound book!

At first the DM told them that it was in another language because he knew the subject matter, but then he remembered that no, the journal wasn’t written by the subjects, but by an Arcane Professor (named Preston Digitalis) who was studying them. Silly DM! Cog Nostril? More like Cog Nitive Load, am I right???

Anyway, they all decided to have a sit-down and rest as Thelarion read to them from the Old Journal. It was one of those really nice ones you can get on Amazon right now with the leather binding and a rawhide strap to wrap around to close it.

Story Time!

Once upon a time there was an ancient race called “The Outsiders” who bored their way into our great world by digging from the earth beneath our feet! They were trying to use their Super Science to defeat Death itself and storm the gates of Niflhel!

They built a research facility overtop of Mount Rend. Their attempts to Brute Force penetrate the afterlife met with disaster and the facility was sealed up and powered down.

Whatever their alien purposes were, it included using the life-stealing powers of the DoomStone!!!

BUT WHAT IS THE DOOMSTONE??? Well, that was in another section of the book that Thelarion read next!

Long ago there was the land of Niflheim and the land of Muspel, one of ice and one of fire. They hung, suspended above each other, and in the misty gap between, the turmoil created two great crystals! One, radiating the power of life itself! It gave light and warmth to the benighted lands beneath the Helrock. It’s quickening rays grew plants and gave youth to the very land where it came to rest, and they named it, the HomeStone.

But

There

Was

Another!

The DoomStone was also created in that same maelstrom! A sickly yellow Stele of crumbling stone. It gives no light but to the Dwarven and Elven eyes. Eyes that perceive a malignant gleam burning in the gloom. Satasaban the Dwarves called it. Caelgond the Elves named it. Sick Rock!

It’s light burns away leaf and branch, meat and bone. But the Outsiders could harness its terrifying energies. And so, they sought out the DoomStone, to break the Fortress of Hel and vomit the dead back onto the land…

Woah. That’s a lot to take in. Also, while Thelarion was blowing their freaking minds with this Lore Dump, Cog Nostril was donning his plate mail and the party were spraying their weapons silver.

Cog Nostril fell asleep… Then his flesh grew around the armor, absorbing it by a few inches all the way around. No amount of abuse could awaken him. The sleep seemed… magical!

What do we do? Should we stash him in the banana room like they did to Recoom in session 1? He’s the guy with the +1 Spear who knows his way around the Moon Pool Dungeon! Instead, they decided to cut the armor off of him. Even with surgical precision and care, they did 1d4 damage in removing it. When it was doffed, Cog sat up. “Dat story was BOOOORIN’!” quoth the half-orc. They put the book and the cursed armor back in the Thag Wagon.

The next part of the adventure consisted of trying to plan how to deal with Cuddles. The party made their way down the single lane, debris choked Northern Hallway.

Hurrim was in the lead and tripped the arrow trap that Cog had jumped over last time. Took an arrow to the arm, OUCH! Cog called out the next trap ahead and they stepped over the wire and cut it, disabling the trap. They cautiously made their way down the Eastern hallway and came to the Moon Pool cavern… no Crocodile Wight so far… They decided to haul the Cheval-de-Frise back along the hallway and spray the spikes on one side with the silver spray-paint to defend against Cuddles. They made a lot of noise doing this, but the Crocodile was nowhere to be seen.

Cog Nostril is a Half-Orc according to the rules of AD&D 1e. According to my addition to the setting rules of UMBROS any Halfling, Half-Orc or Gnome characters that are rolled up represent failed experiments by the Mahar to create Dwelvemen. So Cog’s infravision was chalked up to his Dwarf-Elf-Orc mix that the player dubbed “Dorkvision!”

He could see the haunches of the beast, emerging from the frog pool, weakly twitching. It seemed lethargic and unable to draw its body out of the water. They decided to leave it be and took the Moon Pool to the Helrock.

Now in Downtime, Lean Jean had created Ice Awls for the team to deal with the ice scrim that continually forms over the unsheltered Moon Pool on the Helrock. Markos cast resist cold upon himself and quickly smashed the ice, allowing the rest to teleport through and quickly exit the cold water without freezing or drowning.

They returned to find the Igloo Dungeon had been fortified. It had the beginnings of a hastily erected palisade and four goblin spearmen trying to protect it. They fought. The goblins fell and were looted for 36 Silver Pieces.

Back inside the Igloo Dungeon, they once again noticed that the entrance was not stairs, but a ramp. Those bearing torches quickly realized that they would have to hold them lower, as the melting ceiling kept dripping on them and threatened to put them out 1/6.

On the wall were some hand drawn posters, commemorating the Kitchen Five, and the Ogress, who would never be forgotten for their large hearts and service to those who could never repay. Cog muttered something about the “wall of weaklings.”

They took the East tunnel. It was draped with… streamers, balloons and bunting? They entered a large square decorated room. The southern side was solid with a table covered in wrapped presents. The northern half of the room was really more of a bridge over two deep pits, with double doors at the north end of the bridge. Girthald dropped his torch down one of the pits to see how deep it was and the torch dwindled in size until it couldn’t be seen with no discernable impact.

Then, while the party was moving onto the bridge, Cog went up on the raised section and stabbed one of the presents with his spear. A doll tumbled out of the box, but at the same time he disturbed the presents, a weird pulse sound emanated from the table and three wolves charged through the West Door (that they had come in through!

One wolf charged Cog on the dais, while the other two charged the party. They fought. There was a cacophony of metal and wood squealing behind the Double Doors to the North. The wolves died, but not before dropping Brogan to 0hp! His body hit the bridge. His 10’ pole clattered. As the last wolf was falling the double doors burst open and….

No…

I can’t say it. What happened next was too awful. I don’t even know if I can continue…

Okay, let’s see if I can get through this.

The doors burst open and the party was swarmed by…

15 small goblins… in… COMBAT WHEELCHAIRS!!! They had spears affixed over the left shoulder so they could drive them into the party using both hands on their wheels.

Thelerion the Elf, scooped up Brogan’s 10’ Pole and jammed it in the wheels of the central goblin, turning his chair violently sideways! Cog Nostril, from the raised table swung his sling and drilled a rock right into the big vulnerable, wispy haired head of the goblin on the right! Markos the Gravekeeper cast cure light wounds upon Brogan and helped him to his feet…

As Girthald and Hurrim looked over the head of the screaming, wheeling throng, they saw a great banquet hall behind them. With a Banner hanging, written in Goblin:

And then they charged. You see AD&D has three modes of Hand-to-hand Combat. Pummeling, Grappling, and Overbear. Since the target had weapons, the Juvenile Polio Goblins got an attempt to fend off their attackers with their spears. That is, the ones whose wheels weren’t jammed up with a 10’ pole… If that succeeds, they get to make an immediate attack.

Well, let’s just say the goblins were rolling crap. I just couldn’t get over an 11 on a D20 to save myself!

In Overbear, Height and Weight matter. And these were seated juvenile goblins…

The first goblin got scooped out of his wheelchair and tossed off the bridge. The second one had his whole chair lifted and tossed.

These players are so MEAN! It never crossed their minds to say, “Oh sorry! We didn’t realize this was a Charity Event! Sorry for killing the cooks last week who were preparing! We’ll let you be!” They just attacked with… GUSTO!

Only one Goblin was able to strike with his spear and do any damage. The party named him Goblin FDR!

In the second round, the next rank of goblins wheeled forward, with disastrous dice. The party kept jamming their wheels, klonking them with rocks and gleefully throwing the Juvenile Polio Goblins into the bottomless pits! Soon a deafening roar trumpeted out of the pits as goblins and chairs accelerated into thinner and thinner air, breaking the sound barrier and issuing Sonic Booms!

It was the least heroic thing any party has done so far in this campaign.

In the feasting hall, upon a central table was a scroll of Limited Wish. You see the highlight of the party, just before each goblin child got their presents, was to be a reading of the scroll, and a granting — even just temporarily — of a cessation of their suffering. But it was not to be… it was not to be…

They cleared the hall, looted it, and returned without incident to the town of Tootchville in the shadow of the Purple Tower.

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XP

• 4 Goblin Guards = 56 XP

• 3 wolves = 195 XP

• 15 Juvenile Polio Goblins in Combat Wheelchairs = 195 XP

• Discovering Have-A-Wish Fundraising Dinner to Combat Juvenile Goblin Polio = 1,000 XP

Subtotal: 1,446 XP

XP from Treasure

• Scroll of Limited Wish = 700XP (to someone who can read it) or 2100GP/XP(if sold)

• 15 Wrapped presents for Polio Goblin Children = 300 GP/XP

• 36 Silver Pieces = 2 XP

• Fine Carpet = 24 GP/XP

• Plot Coupon Book = 100 GP/XP

• 7 goblin combat wheelchairs = 168 GP/XP

Subtotal: 2,694 XP

Grand Total: 4,140 XP

Brogan Stonefist 690XP

Cog Nostril 690XP

Girthald the Broad (as in fat, not woman) 690XP

Hurrim 690XP

Markos 690XP

Thelarion 690XP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Stasaban.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool. (Resurrected by Loki for reasons unknown!)

This is just so depressing, Cortana play Home - Mumford and Sons!

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Brogan Stonefist

Brogan wrote a will leaving the party’s treasure to his next character

Duder Moss went looking for a hireling in Firsthaven (DMG28-29). Hired a medium horseman for 4 GP/month and 1/2 share of treasure

Grark

Grark spent the time hunting for a Jalok to sell to Prince Ronan. He mapped out his movements and everything. Excellent example of Downtime Play! Just, superb!

I adjudicated a play-by-post (pbp) encounter with a pack of Jalok’s and he was able to pick one off when the herd left it alone in the lair. Note that this was an almost impossible achievement and I was not looking forward to adding another dead PC to the list. However Grark is a ranger and this time the dice were overwhelmingly in his favor.

Here’s how it went down. On his first encounter with the Jalok he got one segment of surprise, which he used to conceal himself. I rolled up a herd of 5 (I wonder why animals gather in 5s on this part of the map? I shall have to look into this!) He observed them at their lair and waited until one should break off of the pack. Instead, four of them left and he snuck into the lair to subdue the fifth.

On this roll he got the max possible advantage! You see, Rangers surprise on a 3 in 6 and are only surprised on a 1. But he knew the Jalok was there, so it was impossible for it to surprise him. I rolled the monster’s D6 only and it was a 3! Meaning that Grark had three segments of action before it could react.

He rushed in with a bag and a Grapple Attack (DMG 72-73)! If you haven’t taken time to read the Grappling rules in the DMG I highly recommend it. AD&D 1e has three separate unarmed attack systems: Pummeling, Grappling and Overbear, and NONE of them are roll a D20 and beat a difficulty number. Here’s the thing, grappling has some severe modifiers based on the size and weight of the opponents. That’s why you roll up your height and weight in Character Creation (Buy my PC Creation Pamphlet!)! Jaloks are 5HD +2 monsters, 7-8 feet in length and weighing up to 800 lbs! A level one dude trying to grapple one is nutsbonkersbananas! But he made his base score to Grapple, and so I gave him his three consecutive grapple attacks! Here’s what that looked like in the chat:

Wow! Here’s what happened. Since you had so much surprise, I gave you three rounds of grapple. You made the grapple and rolled a 42 for the first one: 2 + strength bonus. The Jalok has 22 HP so that brought him down to 19. (Grark’s Strength Bonus was +1)

The second grapple was 28, so 1 + Strength Bonus for 2 hp more. Jalok is a 17.

The third grapple was 96! 8+ str bringing the Jalok to 6 HP, and now it’s the Jalok’s turn. (I thought: Here it is. This thing’s gonna turn around and rip Grark’s HEAD OFF!)

BUT NOT SO FAST, because a 96 also STUNs the Jalok!

Your last roll was a 71, 5 + Str bonus for the last six hit points!

You have subdued a Jalok!!!!!

You have no more encounters on the way to Firsthaven and may sell the Jalok to Ronan.

So what is this? It’s the opposite of what happened to Vangor (Grark’s player’s other character)! This should have been a one-sided beat-down with another PC sheet in the circular file. But Grark risked it all, on account that he did not have enough money for the monthly upkeep and was in danger of going back to his 9-5 and telling real adventurers how he was once like them and then making up an excuse about taking an arrow to the knee. It was a stupid risk, but he made it and the fickle dice overrewarded him in exactly the same way that they overpunished his player last time.

Here’s how that felt for the player:

This is just direct messages on Discord. If you add Jeffrogaxian 1:1 time to your campaign you can easily give this to your players too!

Gromnel

Gromnel is up to some REDACTED shenanigans that just didn’t work.

Ho Khogan

Ho Khogan had some amazing DT, including studying the weird bird-creature that they captured (it sings 3 times a day and the songs seem to have magical effects, it also loves jewelry and put him to sleep when he tried to remove the Tiara with the Beautiful Jewel!).

He also cast Find Familiar and wound up with a Hawk. It was a close thing, and flubbing that spell is BRUTAL as you have to wait a YEAR (1:1 time baby) to cast it again! Here’s what I find odd about the Find Familiar spell, Hawk is one of the options you can roll, but there is no entry for Hawks until you get to Monster Manual II! A standard HP range and AC is given for all Familiars and it’s not too far off what the Hawk wound up being, but I thought that was a weird choice, seeing as how the MM was already published when the DMG arrived. Maybe the Hawk was in a Dragon Magazine or something?

Hurrim Hazi Hendursaga (HHH)

Hurrim rested at Tootch’s tower to recover lost hit points. When you drop to zero HP and don’t die, you need a week to recover, which limits your downtime options. And Kreg too!

Lean Jean DeRoquefort

Lean Jean spent his first day gathering hardwood branches and creating ice awls for the team by carving, sharpening and burning the wood, and created some Blair Witch Project Caltrops for himself using the same method. This is ELITE level play, by the way. The frozen-over moon pool on the Hel Rock is a consistent threat of hp loss from system shock and drowning. Getting quickly through the scrim of ice that forms over it is a boon to the whole team!

Then he scouted the path to the Moon Pool dungeon to see if there were alternate paths to it. He also set little tell traps (balanced twigs on path) to see if anything else had visited it. He had no random encounters during this trip. Turns out: nothing had visited the Moon Pool Dungeon that he could tell, and, with a Wight Crocodile guardian the size of a Rhino, can you blame them?

So what happened next? Did they go back to the Helrock? Did they give up since they sold their only key? Will they be able to find another one just laying around? The only way to find out is to Subscribe, so you can catch the next thrilling episode of HEL DELVERS!!! And share with your friends!

Dramatis Personae:

Cog Nostril Half-Orc F1

Grark R1 and his hunting dog

Brogan Stonefist Dwarf F1

Ho Khogan Swoleceror MU1

Recoom T1

George Gnome T1

Thelarion of Elfland T1?

Hurrim F1

Markos C1

Kreg F1

Lean Jean DeRoquefort F1

Quick Recap: So, as you know from session 3 part I and part II, Gromnell and Brogan’s ignored the writing: “Satasaban is the KEY!” on their map to the Megadungeon on Mount Rend and sold the Satasaban to the Dwarves. It is now in Cointhrall’s vault in Goldhall.

This game is really picking up and session had 11 players, which was a record for me. I’ve never DM’med so large a group! I started requesting people take on roles: Caller, Mapper, & Chronicler to help me with the load. I recommend you do the same at your table.

• Caller gathers the players schemes and passes it on to the DM

• Mapper draws maps based on my descriptions

• Chronicler writes little moments in the chat to help me remember what happened when I write these session reports.

The party took about 1.5 days to gather because a big Braunstein event at the Patron level scattered them across the map. Apparently Tootch betrayed the Dwarves, and they all fled his territory. This is significant because, as you’ll recall, two PC Dwarves sold the only key to the MegaDungeon on the Helrock to Cointhrall for 200 GP. Also, no Dwarven Hirelings for this trip (okay by me, 11 PCs!)

They had some other odds and ends that the Patron Players had sponsored for them. Cog Nostril, the half-orc had a +1 Spear and the can of silver spray paint, which had about 30 uses left, but I didn’t tell them that.

OH YEAH! I forgot to tell you! If you’ll recall from the Unredacted Downtime, Lean Jean DeRoquefort was a Wight. He was part of a bargain between the Norse deities as to who would get his soul.

He successfully kept the party out of the Moon Pool, which meant that Hel would set him up as ruler over a large section of the Megadungeon. But my players pointed out that he might have won Loki’s part of the wager by outliving Hel’s secret champion.

You see, only one member of the original party has survived the campaign thus far. Recoom’s player couldn’t play the last few sessions so he has been relatively safe while the rest either got trampled by hasted triceratops in the night or wasted away from gamma radiation exposure.

So it all came down to: did Hel choose Recoom for her champion or not? Well, the first party had 7 members, so I rolled a D8. On a 1 she chose Recoom. I would reroll an 8. I rolled, and it turns out she chose Dig Dug... Who got flattened peacefully in his sleep by a Triceratops!

So that meant that Lean Jean won the Loki bet on a technicality!!! Loki revived him and he passed his resurrection survival percentage (PHB p12). So he just nonchalantly strolls into Tootchville and joins the party. Recoom’s player joined the game a tad late so they were already on the way to the dungeon when he realized his dead friend had returned. Cog Nostril had seen him briefly as a Wight but may not have recognized him in his un-blowed-up form.

Once gathered at Tootch’s tower, the party struck out to return to the Moon Pool dungeon. It took less than half a day because they knew the way, and I rolled Zero random encounters.

When they got to the violet hill under which the dungeon lay, the party split. Most of them stayed before the door, while three climbed the hill to go peer down into the oddly perfect hole that opened over the Frog Pool Cavern.

The water was clear, and there didn’t seem to be anything in it, but Grark decided to throw one of his javelins into the pond in the hopes of hitting one of the explosive frogs. He rolled a natural 20. A toad the size of his torso shook itself out of the silty bottom and swam to the surface, with the javelin protruding from its back. It was jet black with light brown markings all over it, which started to glow as it hit the surface. Several smaller frogs and toads wriggled out of the sand and swam to the surface and the big toad detonated leading to an earth-shaking chain reaction of frogsplosions.

You can thank Pulp Hummock Press for the Exploding Frogs, the encounter that just keeps on giving!

The party on the top of the hill were knocked prone. The party at the bottom of the hill heard the explosion and saw a geyser of water shoot out of the hill like old faithful and come raining back down on the hilltop.

Now at this point, some of the players hadn’t been listening or something. It’s very hard when there are a dozen people in the channel and they talk over each other and such. They didn’t get the hill. They didn’t get the hole in the ground. I explained it twice, and there was still a guy who just couldn’t picture it. I realized he was part of the party on the ground level at the base of the hill. I dropped this line that the chronicler immortalized in the chat: “You’re just as confused as you’re supposed to be”

I mean, he couldn’t see what was going on from his vantage point anyway. Another player helpfully added this:

At this point Recoom notices Lean Jean.

Cog Nostril points out that the last time he went through this dungeon it was trapped. “And it’s some kinda goo all ova dem steps! I dunno what dem dwelvemen were doing in dere…”

So the party decides to eschew the dungeon proper to rappel down into the Frog Pond Cavern. Grark takes a sample of the sand at the bottom of the Pond, for Science!

They have to go on hands and knees through the tunnel that the frogs have been boring through, one explosion at a time, until they get to the part where the dwelvement zombies had cleared it. Cog points out the arrow trap so that the party can avoid it and they make their way to the Moon Pool Room.

They see the pushed aside cheval-de-frise, and the cieling trap door hanging open that dropped the frogs on Cog last time. This reminds Cog to warn them about an undead crocodile.

“Oh yeah,” says Lean Jean, “watch out for Cuddles!” Just then, the Moon Pool cavern echoes with splashing and a beastly roar as a giant undead crocodile erupts out of the pool! The thing is so massive it’s positively… JURASSIC! It must have eaten all the Dwelvemen Zombies AND nosed its way into the Banana Room! (Monsters get downtime too, MammaJamma!!!)

Ah yeah! This boutta get GOOD!

Only…

The players send Lean Jean in. He’s trying to do the Chris Pratt thing…

So it’s time for a reaction roll! Ah man, git him, Cuddles, gittim!!!

97%… YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! CUDDLES STINKIN’ LOVES THIS GUY!

So the team sheepishy files past the nightmare while Lean Jean scratches behind its jaw. I’m so disappointed!

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The first three go into the Moon Pool and begin freeze drowning under the ice when they teleport. Well except for Markos who used his spell to become resistant to cold. Nevertheless, they go to work poking holes in the ice to break through to the air on the surface. This time I tried to decide what to make them roll on to check against curling up and drowning in the bitter cold. I decided instead of a Paralyzation saving throw I would make them roll System Shock. For 2 reasons. Number one, anyone who has suddenly plunged into freezing water knows it really is a system shock, and number two, that roll is very rarely used. It’s in the Constitution section of your PHB, for those playing along at home.

On the other side, the first three are greeted with a large mound frozen to the ground. The ground is weird here, by the way. In the patches where it isn’t covered with snow it is a conglomerate of hard, black, frozen sand, and the blackened, frozen-solid bodies of old, sick and dead peasants. The mound shuddered, and as a gust of wind blew the snow off, it was revealed to be the corpse of a large, skinless dog, with its organs removed. Not wanting to take any chances, Markos struck the skull with his flail, shattering it. But the mound continued pulsating and shuddering!

With a sickening creak and snap, the bones started popping out of the mass and gristling themselves together. It’s like a revive spell was cast on the blood-spattered Dog Garmr, but with so many organs missing (including the bollocks) the spell just couldn’t complete! The bones swung free and with a slick tearing sound pulled free of the mass! A large round cage made of bone and sinew, almost in the shape of a soccer ball started rolling laps around the Moon Pool! It was 25’ in diameter and rolled around like a nightmare Bucky Ball!

The others hadn’t made their way through the pool yet when it rolled around for the first pass, crushing Cog Nostril to exactly 0hp, and pulling another PC (can’t remember who, 11 PCS) inside! He dropped to zero HP as he took continuous damage from rolling around in there.

Then the next rank emerged from the pool just in time to get rolled over. They struck it with their weapons, and even the solid blows seemed to do NO DAMAGE! The third rank emerged from the water as it went around the far side of the Moon Pool! Some were running for the hills. George the Gnome started rolling the bodies of the 0 HP guys for treasure! (Ha! good luck getting loot off a bunch of level 1’s!)

Finally they realized their weapons were useless. They ran to Cog’s body and grabbed his +1 spear and his rattle can of silver spray paint. They silvered their weapons as the Buckyball rolled around toward them! One got pulled in and tossed out his rope to a friend, who pulled him straight out of the ball! Another swung a grapple hook and caught on, tried to set his feet, and released the rope when he realized it had too much momentum and he would just get pulled up the outside of it!

Finally on the next orbit, one got absorbed and was striking furiously from the inside with his silvered weapon! Someone else grabbed the rope and someone grabbed them and between the both of them, they arrested the BuckyBall’s motion!

After that, it was over quickly. A silvered Lucerne Hammer landed the final blow and the bones cracked and shattered, spraying frozen crystals of ruby blood onto the snow.

I want to thank Tsar Bombadil for the epic Bucky Ball trap!

They didn’t know what to do! With three guys that dropped to 0HP, who were useless, they didn’t want to keep pressing their luck, but now the reaction roll that cheated me out of a Crocodile rampage put them between a rock and a hard place. Instead of a guardian of the Helrock, there was a guardian of home base!!! How delicious!

The party regrouped and headed up the road, following the map to the Cave Entrance of the MegaDungeon (Satasaban is the Key!)

They passed a large iglue-build structure with an Ogress guarding the door. She had a dire wolf with her. She saw Lean Jean and imediately started taunting him.

“Go on! Friend-killer! Favored of Loki! Nothing for you here! Don’t concern yourself with this house or what’s in it! You just keep walking! Hel will not be cheated long! She will have your bones!” I did the voice and everything. I sounded like the mole woman from Buttercup’s dream in Princess Bride.

Lean Jean’s player missed the entire performance. Takin’ a whizz or something. He came back and was like, what happened? I wasn’t gonna do the voice again…

Anyway, they decided to stay the heck away from her and followed the path up the mountain into the tree line and found a Bear cave right where the map said it would be. The bear happened to be home and they fought. They pickled it with arrows!

At the back of the cave was a rock wall with a doorway in it. The door was full of a smooth green metal that they had never seen before. It was all of a piece, showing no seams or handles or hinges. To the left of the door was a receptacle with a shaft disappearing down behind the wall. It looked just the right size and shape for a Satasaban stone. (Did I mention they had found one and sold it to a Dwarf for 200 GP after it killed four party members and a dog?)

As DM I was a little worried in this moment. There was just no way to open this indestructible door without that gamma radiating stone. The party talked about mining for another one. (ANOTHER ONE!) Eventually they decided to head back. At least they knew where the entrance was and how to get in.

When the Ogress saw them, she leaped on her wolf. She had two snakes in her fist and she pulled them through the wolves jaw for reins. The party agreed that this was so stinkin’ metal. Then they shot her to death with arrows, rather anticlimactically. Ho Khogan, the swoleceror cast Enlarge on himself and snapped the Dire Wolf’s neck. I mean, that’s pretty metal too, yeah?

They entered the Ice Dungeon and noted it had a ramp instead of stairs leading in. There was a long hall going south and another heading north. They heard sounds like plates and tables and stuff being scooched around and set to the North, so the headed south down a long hallway that kept turning at right angles. The floor was gently sloped and there were handrails along either side. At the end they entered a kitchen where six hairless short creatures seemed to be baking. They got surprise and just wrecked all of them except one. Ho Khogan was still Huge and so he just grappled the last goblin into submission!

They found a secret door to the pantry and found the Ogress’s hoard (randomly rolled). A full suit of plate mail, 1k Copper Pieces, and a Tiara with an impressive gemstone in it. The only problem was the Tiara was on an enormous bird with the head of a beautiful woman. They grabbed everything and snuck out, since it was late and with 3 people that had dropped to 0HP, they didn’t want to risk another fight!

They went back into the Moon Pool and guess what! Cuddles wasn’t having it this time! They threw all their food! Ho Khogan chucked his Goblin at the Croc! Crikey! It worked and they all ran as the monster devoured the hapless chef!

What will happen next? Will they get the key back? Go mining? Do something else entirely? Couldn’t tell ya! But I’ll find out in two minutes because Session 5 is about to start right now!!!

XP

• 6 Goblins = 100 XP

• Ogress = 170 XP

• Dire Wolf = 124 XP

• Bucky Ball = 680 XP

• Bear = 161 XP

• Discovering Portal to Niflhel = 1000 XP

Subtotal: 2,235 XP

XP from Treasure

• 1,000 CP = 0 XP (Stolen by a thief!)

• Suit of Cursed Platemail = 1,500 XP

• Tiara with impressive gemstone = 10,000 XP

• Bizarre woman-headed bird = 1,000 XP

Subtotal: 12,500 XP

Grand Total: 14,735 XP

Cog Nostril - 1,340XP

Grark Human - 1,340XP

Brogan Stonefist - 1,340XP

Ho Khogan - 1,340XP

Recoom - 1,340XP

George Gnome - 1,340XP

Thelarion - 1,340XP

Hurrim - 1,340XP

Markos - 1,340XP

Kreg - 1,340XP

Lean Jean - 1,340XP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Stasaban.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool.

A moment of silence, please…

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Somewhere In the Night

Firstly, a mystery! Macho Mandalf himself reads this substack! And he pointed out that the Triceratops (even charging), could not have trampled the party in one segment of surprise. You see the encounter distance was 8”, and the Trike’s have a move speed of 9.” Outdoors, each 1” equals ten yards. However, the move does not happen all at once in the first segment, but is spread through each of the 10, six-second segments. Normally, a Triceratops charges at 18 yards in 6 seconds, not 80!

I had those suckers clocked at 28 miles per hour!

So the real question is… who is out there, in the night, casting Haste on a pack of Triceratops???!!!

They did WHAT???

The only other Downtime activity of note was that the two Dwarves who survived the Sagoth lair sold the meteorite to Cointhrall for 200 gp.

Hold up! You said what, Dunder Moose? The meteorite that was the whole thrust of the first half of Session 3… the radioactive stone that 6 PC’s gave their lives to secure… the actual KEY to the entrance of the megadungeon on Helrock… the PC’s SOLD IT??? FOR 200 GOLD PIECES???

They did. And guess what else? Right after that, there was a huge betrayal in the high level Braunstein and Tootch the wizard betrayed the Dwarves and they all left the region.

No Dunder. It’s too stupid. They wouldn’t have. I can’t believe that!

Total player agency baby!

NO! There’s no way that Cointhrall is going to give that thing back to the party! The whole adventure is ruined! How is it supposed to get back on track???

So what’s next? How will this turn of events play out? Will the party return to the Helrock? The only way to find out is to Subscribe, so you can catch the next thrilling episode of HEL DELVERS!!! And share with your friends!

Dramatis Personae:

Cog Nostril Half-Orc F1

Grark Human R1 and his hunting dog

5 Dwarven Mercenaries

Brogan Stonefist Dwarf F1

Quick Recap: So, as you know from Part 1, only two came back from the Meteorite Dungeon. The fabled Dwarven resistance to poison is all that kept the first half of this session from being a Total Party Kill (or TPK, as the kids say).

Upon Gromnell and Brogan’s return, they unfolded the paper with the warning on the outside and saw that it was a map of a trail leading from the Moon Pool to a cave halfway up Mount Rend on the Helrock! In Dwarven, Balin Chiagga had written: “Satasaban is the KEY!” Two things were quickly decided.

1. Don’t tell Tootch about the Meteorite!

   1. I think the Dwarves were imagining making a Satasaban infused Gemson (Dwarves in UMBROS reproduce by making sons out of stone and gems)

   2. I’m pretty sure they sold it for 200 GP to Iron Rider who gave it to Cointhrall (they figured they could always ask for it back if they needed it).

      

2. Gromnell had had enough!

   1. You’ll recall that he was hit by the Crab Spider and had but 1 hp left!

Gromnell’s Player brought in Grark, another Ranger 1, who has another dog, and hired 5 Dwarven mercs! Chuck Nunchuck was rolled up as a Monk 1, but his player bounced. Ned’s player bounced as well. Something about killing all the PCs with radiation poisoning really takes the wind out of their sails…

Simon Sniffcock’s player (who is very experienced with BROSR style play) had rolled up 3 characters to start with, knowing how deadly 1e can be. He introduced the Half-Orc: Cog Nostril! Now here’s the thing, Half-Orcs are not one of the races available in UMBROS (get your copy today!), but I had ruled that all of the races from 1e were available in this game. It’s just that half-orcs, halflings and gnomes all represent failed Dwelvemen experiments that came out all symmetrical and chadly and had to be discarded. So, if you pick one of these demi humans, you need to incorporate that into their backstory. You also should be super rare, if not unique in the world. And get ready for normal people to get all grossed out by your face and stuff.

They decided to head out to the Moon Pool Dungeon, to finish exploring it and establish their beachhead on Hel’s realm!

Oh man! If you read the Redacted Downtime Interlude, you will know that I have been anxiously awaiting the moment they returned to the Moon Pool Dungeon and found LEAN JEAN DeROQUEFORT’s WIGHT WAITING FOR THEM!!! Only problem was, all of the people who would even know who that was were dead! Except for Recoom, who wasn’t along on this expedition.

So, before I tell you what happened, let me just pull the curtain back and show you what Lean Jean’s Player had done with the place:

The stairs just inside the entrance were greased, and a pressure plate installed at the bottom (covered with a nice rug) which, when depressed, would release six spears from the ceiling. To the west, the ten dwelvemen zombies were huddled in the northern 30x30 room next to the large storeroom (aka the banana room).

Owing to the skylight that Odin (Loki) had left in the Frog Pond Cavern, Lean Jean could only work there during the night. (wight-people burn up in the sun, you know), but he had his reanimated dwelvemen zombies clear the northwest hallway and use the rubble to choke the north/south passage down to single file and zig-zagged it to slow progress. He trapped the southern door with a bell that would signal the zombies to attack the party from the rear while they were in the hall.

Halfway up the hall was a tripwire attached to an arrow trap on the East wall. At the end of the hallway was another tripwire with an arrow trap in the northern wall of the T intersection. At the entrance to the Moon Pool cavern Lean Jean had set up a cheval de frise, an anti-cavalry obstacle, wired to a trapdoor in the ceiling that was full of the exploding frogs.

Lean Jean himself, and his wight crocodile were posted up in the Moon Pool cavern. The idea was, when they heard the bell, to attack from the north, while the party dealt with the traps and then got pinched from the south by the ten zombies. Actually, quite a brutal trap and I could not have asked for more from Lean Jean’s player.

Now if you read the Unredacted Downtime, you might think that that was a heavy load for the DM to take on, texting back and forth with a player in the week between sessions but look at what I got out of it! I didn’t have to prep this part of the session at all! I had badguys in a dangerous place with a battle plan. All I did was drop some treasure (rolled per the Wight entry in the Monster Manual) in the Southeast wing that the party hadn’t explored yet and wait for the big reveal! Again, it would have been SLIGHTLY more satisfying if any of the PC’s knew who Lean Jean was, but the Players knew, and also, I should have known. That’s what I get for killing everyone so much! Also, the player who did all this work for me actually enjoyed and appreciated the process!

Brogan Stonefist, Cog Nostril, and Grark with his dog and his Dwarven Mercs drove their Thag Wagon quickly to the hex with the Moon Pool Dungeon, arriving midway through the morning. The sun was out and there were no random encounters along the way. When they got to the hill with the entrance to the dungeon, they noticed that there was a hole in the top. It looked kinda like this, but bigger and with a hole in the top of the hill:

As they approached, Grark the Ranger checked for tracks. They were the same as the last time this happened although two weeks older. The dog smelled something that stinks. “Oi! Quit sniffin’ me!” Cog Nostril cried, “Gonna eat that thing!”

The party elected NOT to go in the front door, but to climb the hill and look at the new opening (it being new and all). First of all, the aperture was a perfect circle, smooth all the way round. They peered down into the Frog Pool, noting a large stone in the middle of the pond, and rubble strewn about from the catastrophic Toadetonation. The Dwarven Mercs lowered and held ropes from the rim and the PC’s tried to swing to the shores. After dropping his dog on the center stone, Grark dove into the pool. With all the sunlight he could easily see under water and noted the many black and brown frogs wriggling out of the sandy floor of the pond.

The party elected to quickly ascend their ropes and get the bump out of that room (fool me twice shame on me)! All except Cog Nostril (split the party! split the party!) who winded his way down the partially cleared hallway. He was going slow and careful, and noticed the trip wire in the northern end of the southern hallway and noted a freshly plastered section of the north wall across from it. He continued west, down the hall to the Moon Pool room, and I cut to the other party.

The rest of the party was back at the front door and forced the front door open. They immediately noticed the decorative rug on the floor, and a wooden table in the corner that was covered with orange dusty fingerprints and cards.

Grak wanted the carpet and started down the stairs. His foot shot out of the grease like Charlie Brown kicking the football and he tumble-slid down onto the carpet dropping the six spears from the ceiling! Only two of them hit, but they did 7 damage!

“Watch the stairs!” he screamed, as Brogan and the Dwarves made their way down and retrieved the spears for their own use. They immediately went to the door on the right leading to the unexplored area of the dungeon. In the first room they found 2 large clay urns, one holding 8,000 Copper Pieces, and the other 2,000 Silver Pieces.

Entering the next room they found a locked cabinet. They were unsuccessful at picking the lock and Brogan decided that it was worth a try bashing it with his mace. It took a few whacks but finally he damaged it enough for the drawer to splinter out. Inside was jewelry: An Ivory Pendant worth 600 GP, A silver upper arm band wrought with Ravens worth 800 GP, and a silver Torc with Wolf Heads worth 500 GP. As they boggled at their fortune, I jumped back to Cog Nostril…

Cog Nostril overcame the cheval de frise, but just pushing it straight into the room. It scooched at first until the wire got taught, and then it pivoted sharply to his left as the trapdoor above him let go and dropped 6 frogs on him. On his head, on his shoulders, his outstretched arms! He immediately dove backwards, hard, sailing away from them as he fell! They detonated in front of him, filling the hall with piercing bright light!

He did not avoid ALL of them though! One clung to his back and detonated beneath him as he hit the ground, doing 1d6 damage! Dazed, ears ringing, his vision started to return as the Wight of Lean Jean DeRoquefort advanced on his left, and a ghostly glowing Crocodile happily waddled up on his right.

Cog Nostril decided to R-U-N-N-O-F-T!

He scrabbled to his feet and ran down the hallway, jumping over the first trip wire. Even in his panicked state, the second trip wire didn’t get him, and he avoided the arrow trap halfway down the zig zag corridor. The final trap did hit as he pushed the doors to the foyer open like Aragorn and the little bell done rung its fool head off! Back to the main party! They hear the bell and swivel around. They move down the hallway to the foyer just in time to see two things.

The far door swing open as ten zombie dwelvemen pile out and…

Cog Nostril, eyes wide, snout snorting, come dashing out of the door to the north, running to join them. No chance for surprise, time to roll initiative, only… Zombies always go last, so there’s no real point in rolling initiative…

Anyway, the fight was intense, but short. Three Dwarven Mercenaries died and the party destroyed all the Dwelvemen. The Wight of Lean Jean peeked out of the door to the north, hissed and dove back into the hallway. You see they had left the front door open, and the Entrance Room was filled with bright sunlight.

Seeing their chance and knowing that getting level drained at level 1 was an instant death sentence, the party backed out into the sunlight and headed back to Tootch with their treasure. OH YEAH! In all the action I forgot the most important piece of treasure, and told them afterward about it: A metal cylinder with a dome on one side. Out of the dome extends a smaller cylinder with a hole on the.. you know what, it’s a can of spray paint. It’s a can of silver spray paint, and they can spray their arrowheads or weapons with it to make the weapons silvered for this encounter only. During the battle it chips and rubs off, so must be applied again. The can has 30 uses left.

SO! What happened with Lean Jean??? He kept the party out of the Moon Pool, so he has won a place of honor in Hel’s kingdom (and a place in the megadungeon!)

But the players reminded me… depending on the individual she chose as her champion, that person may not be alive anymore! Maybe he won Loki’s reward as well? Could Lean Jean get resurrected??? Come back next time to find out!

And let me know if you want to play. We use AD&D 1e and we play on Tuesday Nights on Discord.

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XP

• 10 Zombies = 340 XP

Subtotal: 340 XP

XP from Treasure

• 8,000 CP = 40 XP

• 2,000 SP = 100 XP

• 1,900 GP worth of Jewelry = 1,900 XP

• Rattle Can of Silver Spraypaint = ?

Subtotal: 2,040 XP

Grand Total - 2,380 XP

• Brogan Stonefist 595 XP & 510 GP

• Grark 595XP & 510 GP

  • Dwarf Mercenary 297.5 XP & 255 GP

  • Dwarf Mercenary 297.5 XP & 255 GP

• Cog Nostril 595 XP & 510 GP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Bitters: He died doing what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Stasaban.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to an Ill Sick-Rock

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool.

A moment of silence, please…

And I felt bad for the player whose PC died in the first session!

Oh Dunder, you sweet summer child, if only you KNEW what was coming!

So, while I was receiving downtime requests from the other players, I played out a battle for the soul of Lean Jean in DMs with him.

He became aware in the Pond Cavern, standing on the shore, outside his body (which was all blowed up at the bottom of the pond). At his feet was a misty gray circle of light and he was unable to leave it. Before him was an 8’ tall woman, beautiful on one side of her body, cadaverous on the other. This was Hel. Whereas Odin and Freyja select those who die in battle for Valhalla or Folkvangr, Hel gets the accidents, disease, and those who die from old age.

She told him that he had died and that he was hers, and went to lead him into Niflhel, her domain (that just so happens to also be the location of this campaign’s megadungeon — IF THEY EVER GET TO IT!!!).

But before he could follow her another circle appeared beneath his feet, a golden one and another 8’ Tall woman appeared, beautiful as the dawn. It was Freyja! As Hel’ moved, the misty circle at Lean Jean’s feet moved with her, but the golden one stayed and he started to get compressed in the Venn Diagram! The women were arguing in a language he didn’t understand, and as all of this unfolded, a salty rope net was thrown over him and he was pulled in a third direction, by the green skinned, seaweed tangled Ran!!! Hers are all those who die by drowning at sea!

At this point, I messaged Recoom’s player and told him about the vivid nightmare that he was having whilst in his coma in the Banana Room. In his delirium, he saw the ghost of Lean Jean being fought over by three giant women. What could it mean???

Long story short, each one wanted to claim him. Freyja since he died in a glorious explosion, defeating monstrous creatures. Hel since his death was an accident. Ran because he died underwater.

If Lean Jean could have understood their argument, it would have gone something like this:

Ran: “I claim him as drowned, because his lungs filled with water!”

Hel: “That’s because they were blown open by the frogs he blundered into!”

Freyja: “He died gloriously combating monsters and saving his friends.”

Hel: “He is not one of your weapon-dead! He died from a foolish accident!”

And then a debate over whether a magical exploding frog counts as a weapon. Finally Hel appealed to “The Father” to adjudicate among them. Freyja quickly agreed that the Valfather would judge the matter.

The top of the cavern apertured open in a clean circle and Odin rode down on a chariot pulled by Wolves who seemed to lope down a hill of air. Long story short, he ruled that each goddess should summon a creature to battle Lean Jean and whichever one defeated him could claim his soul for their afterlife.

Ran immediately objected: “You just want him to die in battle so that your Valkyries can swoop in and steal him for Valhalla!!!”

I should point out. That the entire time this trial was occurring, frogs were hopping out of the pond and making their way to the collapsed tunnel. They’d crawl among the rubble and detonate, blasting part of the obstruction into powder.

Odin said, “I swear, I will not claim him, or my name is not Odin!” That settled it. When the goddesses weren’t looking Odin raised his eyepatch and winked at Lean Jean from under it.

Then pain flooded Lean Jean as he whooshed immediately back into his body, torn and cold, at the bottom of the pond. The water stirred above and he was face to face with a giant Crocodile! It bit at him and missed, he struck at it with his sword and scored a line along it’s side. This had two bizarre effects. First, the wound puckered as the Crocodile seemed to wither on that side. Second, Lean Jean felt his chest begin to close as the ribs knit back into a cage.

The Croc followed up with an a tail attack as it swam past, which also missed. Lean Jean backed up the shore, trying to draw the fight onto land. Long story short, he defeated the Croc in the shallow water with another attack that didn’t do much damage, but seemed to pull the last vestiges of vitality out of the croc, restoring Lean Jean’s hit points. It floated, inert, to the surface. Ran hissed and departed.

Then the Croc twitched back to life, glowing with ghostly energy. It rolled on its back and the wasted remnant of Lean Jean reached his grim claw down and rubbed the Croc’s belly.

Immediately behind him he hears a gruff voice and turns to face a warrior, limned in golden light, with a familiar air about him.

Again, this is just me and the player in a chat. If you embrace 1:1 Downtime between sessions, you can totally do this too. It’s easy and your players will go nuts for it! Here’s what it looks like:

They fight. For some reason, Lean Jean’s new Level Drain ability doesn’t work on Vangor. Finally Lean Jean defeats him. He falls to one knee, bleeding in the gray sand. “I would have liked… to have heard… about my grandson.” Vangor says, before collapsing into the sand and disappearing. Freyja leaves. Odin elbows Hel in her ribs, like literally, because he’s on her bad side.

“I told you, you are mine.” Hel says as she approaches Lean Jean. Then she did something nasty, shrinking down to his size, she kissed him full on the mouth. Her corrupted side matched up with his flesh, and her pristine side matched up with the blasted rag and bone of his skull. Yeesh! Give's me the heebers jeebers just telling you about it.

“He’s not yours yet Hel,” Odin says, “even a bargain made in deceit with goddesses must be kept.”

“Then I choose, for my champions, your friends… They will return. And you must prevent them from reaching the moon pool. You may keep your crocodile, and I will give you the ten Dwelvemen that lie rotting in the entrance. If you are successful, your place will be great in my kingdom.”

Lean Jean spoke up, “I’m pretty sure Odin said that each of you must summon only one champion.”

“That’s not Odin. I said the father. Freyja assumed I meant the Valfather. This is my father.”

“All the same,” replied the being who looked like Odin, “I will keep her to that. She can reward you how she wishes if you defend the moon pool from your friends. But I will make her choose one of them, and if you kill him… I will return you to life.” And with that Loki got back on his chariot and rode into the sky.

Then I gave the player the map of the Moon Pool dungeon and told him that he had the week of downtime to use the croc and the 10 zombie dwelvemen to prepare the dungeon to receive his friends. I rolled a d6 and told him he could make 6 traps with the contents of the dungeon, and to tell me in depth, what was where and how he planned to defend it when the players came back.

Ideally, he’d be there to play the Wight of Lean Jean, but I wanted to be able to run it how he would if he couldn’t make the session. The player did not disappoint, and laid out phenomenal plans, including using the zombies to clear rubble from the collapsed Frog Pond hallway. They distributed the rubble to the main hallway, creating a zigzag pattern that had to be traversed slowly and single file. He hid the dwelvemen zombies in the room northeast of the banana room, and trapped the place with spear traps, arrow traps and trip wires and a bell to let the zombies know they were in the zigzag tunnel. Well, just read the session 3 report part II when that comes out and you’ll see how effective it all was. Is it all over for Lean Jean, or is his story just beginning???

It was my hope that this bit of downtime drama would generate and keep the PVP spirit of original AD&D 1e alive and well in the adventuring party level. Hey baby! It’s braunsteins all the way down! (Well actually, my buddy Griff would say it’s Blackmoors all the way down.)

Simon Sniffcock F1, Level-Locked (enough XP to level, but too broke for training)

• 3 Heavy Foot Hirelings

Dagr C1, Cleric of Baldr

Bitters MU1, Acolyte of Tootch

Ned (and his dog Ben) F1

Brogan Stonefist Dwarf F1

Gromnell Dwarf F1/T1

Quick Recap: Last outing our lads were searching for a purloined Meteorite from the Helrock. They found the trail, and after a rough night before the Wagon of a thoroughly diseased Thag corpse, located a Sagoth lair where the Meteorite is almost sure to be!

This week, they quickly returned to the lair. Simon Sniffcock pointed out the location of the pit trap and so the party skirted it. They opened the door that none had dare approach before, discovering a room full of 6 dead Sagoths riddled with advanced disease: boils, hair missing in clumps, heads like bruised apples, just, just, gross nastiness.

A rotted dwarf chained against the wall near the southern archway. Nothing else looked amiss to the humans upon entering the room, but the gloom-adjusted eyes of the dwarves told another tale. The room was lit up with a hellish yellow light, beaming out from under some rubbish in the corner. Simon Sniffcock and his hirelings poked around in the trash with their spears and a yellow ball of crumbly looking material rolled out, intensely bathing the room in a sickly glow for nobody but the dwarves to see. A word rolled across their subconsciouses: “Satasaban.” A Dwarvish word, a warning, whispered to them when their Stonefathers put them to bed.

Ned approached the dead dwarf chained to the wall. Was this Balin Chiagga, the trader that Ghan-Buri-Gucci was still waiting for? A folded document protruded from its waistcoat. Ned plucked the folded document and read a hastily scrawled note on the outer surface: “Quickly! You cannot stay in this room long! It is poison!”

Ned’s player indicated to me that he was not reading it aloud, so I DMmed him the text in Discord. He merely told the players, “We have to go!” and made toward the door. I don’t know why he didn’t read it aloud. This choice would have dire consequences. Simon Sniffcock picked up the meteorite and put it in one of his stylish G-B-Gucci Satchels. “Wouldn’t wanna leave this behind in our haste!” (Searching the room lasted 10 minutes)

They used their combined strength to open the door and found a sickened Sagoth Chief in his bed chamber. He tried to rise to face them, leaning on his club like a crutch. Simon kicked the club out from under him and he collapsed. He tried to grapple Simon’s foot with his left hand, but Simon used his weapon to fend of the grapple, entitling Simon to an attack with the weapon, which he missed.

The party surrounded the sick Sagoth chief for a right beat-down, but it won initiative and rising, tried to overbear Simon to get out of the ring. Which it did, knocking Simon flat on his back (even sick, this thing was 8’ tall and 400 lbs!). Then Simon’s 3 hirelings speared it in the back. Ned missed, but Dagr did not, clubbing the Sagoth in the head and ending its misery. The Sagoth chief had a gold necklace and a pouch of 10 sp. Also, a club and three javelins, which Sniffcock was happy to add to his collection. (The fight lasted 10 minutes)

The party decided to loot all the bodies, including removing the heads of the dead Sagoths. It turns out Prince Ronan was offering a bounty on Sagoth heads, and apparently, he didn’t care if you killed the Sagoths in honorable combat or just found their dead bodies rotting in a poison room. (Looting the rooms and removing the heads lasted 10 minutes)

At this point, the party had a great discussion about what to do next. Some of the party wanted to clear the dungeon. Some wanted to take the meteorite back to the Thag Wagon. They had now all been near the meteorite for 30 minutes, necessitating a Saving Throw against Poison. Everyone passed except Ned and Dagr, who immediately began to feel weak. Realizing it was the stone that was dangerous, they began to argue about what to do with it. Some wanted the Dwarves to carry it between them, stretched tight between two 50’ ropes. I got a little uncertain what they wanted to do at this point. If I heard them right, they wanted to attach the ropes to the back of the Thag Wagon and just drag this sucker, like a can on a wedding car. The discussion wound on and I had to mute myself and turn off my camera as I kept laughing so loud and hard and couldn’t get on top of it. I just pictured them throwing it in the wagon and killing another Thag or dragging it through the countryside just poisoning the crap out of everything between here and Tootch’s Purple Tower. It was bad.

I succumbed to temptation and reminded them of the large swath of crushed grass they had seen, as if something wide and flat and heavy had been dragged over it, and suggested that this might have been how the meteorite was transported to the dungeon. Also, that the meteorite itself was soft and crumbly and would probably disintegrate over the ten miles they wanted to drag it. (Just picture it! Glowing gamma skid mark!) They finally agreed to toss the satchel in the chieftain’s room and explore the hallway to the south. For some reason Bitters retrieved the satchel. (The bickering in the room lasted for 10 minutes.)

The hall terminated in a dead end, with a massive Metal square on the floor. Nearer the entrance was a lever protruding from the west wall in the down position. The party took up positions between the lever and the square, and Bitters threw the switch. Immediately Brogan and Simon Sniffcock fell ten feet onto the ceiling, taking 1d6 damage each (they had chainmail armor on). Also the large metal plate fell upward, clanging heavily on the ceiling and revealing itself to be a large metal inverted pyramid. Through the hole, about 8’ beneath the floor (beveled to receive the pyramid) was a landing with stairs descending into darkness.

The party rightly sussed out that just throwing the switch would drop everything and hit Simon and Brogan for a further 1d6, so they tossed spears up to them. The human and the dwarf would attempt a Shepherd’s Leap, using the spear to absorb the weight of the fall. After the technique was explained to me, and after watching a YouTube short on it, I decided I would only allow it if their dexterity was 15 or better, which was true of both. So, the switch was thrown, the Shepherds Leapt, and the Pyramid crashed down into the hole. Simon and Brogan retreated out of the hallway to doff their armor. (Solving the hallway lasted about 10 minutes, and removing their armor, binding wounds lasted 10 more minutes.)

Another Save against Poison was made and this time everyone except Brogan and Gromnell failed, including the dog. Dwarves are resilient against poison. At this point an hour had passed since the first exposure. Simon Sniffcock and Ned lost half their total hit points.

Everyone except Bitters fixed ropes and went down the hole. Bitters was adamant about protecting the meteorite for his boss, Tootch, and figured, he had already been exposed so what was the harm? Also, they didn’t want anyone coming along and flipping the switch while they were down there, trapping them.

At the bottom of the stairs, they saw a large wooden chest. They rushed to it and were surprised when two cave spiders dropped on them. One cave spider hit Gromnel in the face, dropping him to 1 hp, and he had to check for poison. He rolled the exact number he needed to pass his saving throw. Man dwarves fear no poison! The other cave spider killed a man at arms. The party won initiative and destroyed the cave spiders. Examining the chest, they found that it was not in fact wood, but had a thin wood veneer. The chest was solid lead and thick with three c’s and a q. THICCCQ! It looked like the Sagoths had just dumped the meteorite out of it and used it to store their 800 gp! The chest alone weighed 200 pounds. As the players discussed this, it seemed like each PC could carry that weight easily, without even losing speed. Then we realized that they were looking at weight in GP and not in pounds 10:1! That’s more like it! Sniffcock transferred the GP to a large sack or two, and two PC’s carried the chest up the stairs and affixed the ropes to haul it out. (The combat lasted 10 minutes.)

On the surface level, they finally securely closed the Satasaban in the lead chest. Since it hadn’t been another full 30 minutes, they didn’t need to do a third check. Everyone piled into the Thag Wagon for the long trek home. The PCs and Hirelings who had been sickened lost half their hit points every hour until dead. The trip home was over 10 miles. When they arrived back at the Purple Tower, the Thag Wagon was full of the dead and only Gromnell and Brogan were alive to drive the Wagon in.

XP

• Sagoth Chief (weakened) = 44 XP

• 2 Crab Spiders = 102 XP

Subtotal: 146 XP

XP from Treasure

• Gold Necklace worth 50 GP = 50 XP

• 10 SP = .5 GP

• 800 GP = 800 XP

• Satasaban Meteorite with Lead Chest = 1,000 XP

Subtotal: 1,850.5 XP

Grand Total - 1,996.5 XP

• Brogan Stonefist 998 XP

• Gromnell 998 XP

Don’t forget to add 10% if you have a high prime requisite and are eligible per the PHB!

Gone too soon:

• Bitters: He died from what he loved, hoarding horrible magical stuff for Tootch, his master. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Dagr: He can finally join his beautiful Baldr in Niflhel, wasted away from radiation poisoning from the Stasaban.

• Ned and his Dog Ben: What he had was a failure to communicate. Radiation poisoning from the Satasaban.

• Simon Sniffcock: Sniffcock-blocked and Level-Locked he lost it all to a Ill Sick-Rock

• Vangor of the Mammoth Men: Caught unawares and trampled flat by two Triceratops whilst keeping watch.

• Dig Dug: Died peacefully in his sleep being trampled by a Triceratops whilst Vangor was keeping watch.

• Lean Jean de Roquefort: Asploded by a hundred detonating frogs and one big one whilst wading into the NOT moon pool.

Ach! I can’t take it! Alexa, play Depeche Mode, Enjoy The Silence.