And in classic Melissa form, she forgot she had said it until I reminded her on the pod.

God bless and godspeed to all the parents moving their kids into college for the first time this week…don’t forget the tissues.

Ever since my wife and I retired our podcast, it’s opened up some time for me to guest on other podcasts. Including (but not limited to), ones hosted by goblins.

If you’re not familiar, John Goblikon takes a break from his rock star duties weekly to host a podcast. And you can check out my full episode of Right Now, right now!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did recording it. And yes, I did goblin research in advance.

Dustin

And often my favorite part of my set is the first 5-10 minutes where I’m talking about where I am. The city, the state, the club, the location of the club, the food, the airport, the people, etc. It keeps is fresh for me and the audience to know I just don’t go up there and turn on autopilot into my act.

Also, sometime it gives me huge clips and helps me grow tons of fans in the area.

Insert: the state or Colorado.

This joke was told in Fort Collins, CO and since I’ve posted it, almost every show I’ve done in the state has sold out. So thanks Colorado. I will continue to tour there (like I did two weeks ago) , despite my hatred for your airport.

Also if this post does well and people seem to like it….GREAT. There’s nothing I’d rather do then this be a travel blog. 🌎

Except for all the camps, the trips, the need for childcare, the fact that I have to drive them to their friends houses AND pick them up because for some reason that parent doesn’t have a car and/or believe in returning favors…but sure Dustin, it’s concert season.

Even all that nonsense aside, man, have concerts changed.

First off, when did my bands get so old?

25th anniversary Jimmy Eat World? That’s crazy because I graduated from high school like 2 years ago, I know it.

Also, when did everyone around me get so old?

OK FINE, I’m old. I’ll admit it. But since the band is old, I’m old, the whole crowd is old, can we all agree just to wrap this concert up at 830PM.

Anyone else got any anniversary tours they’re seeing this “concert season”?

And then a fan of sent me this article today in the New York Times.

Behind Every Dad Bod is a Healthy Dad Brain

”Men who prioritize fatherhood may lose some sleep, gain some extra weight and enjoy less free time, but they can also discover a richer life with greater meaning, purpose and connection. And when it comes to brain health and mental fitness, becoming a father is one of the best things you can do.”

I knew it! It’s science!

Also of course it’s a joke there’s plenty of good dads in good shape too. The only ones who are truly offended by that joke, well, they need to find an exercise for thicker skin.

Happy Father’s Day!

If you’re interested in such a thing, here’s MY EPISODE OF RIGGLE’S PICKS WITH ROB RIGGLE.

My fan girl comes out a bit at the end but I mean come on, how many hilarious Lt. Colonels Marines do you meet?

Also before you ask, he’s even nicer in person.

You love to see it.

I probably won’t see it.

Not because I don’t like the like the movies.

No, I tapped out at 3. By the time 4 came out, my kids were a little older and not pushing to see it. And at that point, I would just be a 41 year old dad weeping in a theater by himself about how fast kids grow up. Sorry Pixar, I can do that alone in my Courtyard Marriot with Facebook memories.

But I did see in the trailer there’s a new character: the dreaded tablet!

This seems like a good jumping pointing to answer a recent question from my Ask a Dad series. And yes, this is the second one and I’m already labeling it a series. This is my Substack and I make the rules (sorry, that was too aggressive).

Matthew asked, “where do you stand on screen time with your kids? I imagine that answer might have changed from your oldest to your youngest? I have two boys, 5 and 7, and we are trying to hold off as long as we can…”

Now let me start by saying this, I hate giving advice. I almost refuse to do it.

Two reasons:

1. I don’t want it be bad advice. And then it goes bad for you. And then it’s my fault. Essentially I don’t want to get blamed. Hell I don’t recommend restaurants to people for this reason. If someone comes to San Diego and asks where to get tacos I say “well my favorite is Chuy’s by SDSU….but that’s just me. I like it, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be your favorite. And then I use the phrase my wife hates the most ‘we all have a different mouth experience.’”
   

2. And that ties into the second reason: every situation is different. How can I tell you how to raise your kids? I don’t know those kids. The whole premise of my book How to be Married (to Melissa) was I can only tell you about this marriage. You’re on your own for your own.

So when it comes to the great screen time debate, I can only tell you my perspective and our experiences.

The first thing I’d say is that like a lot of parenting, there is a lot of fuss about nothing. Parents, especially parents online, love to crash out over anything and everything.

“Your kid is facing forward in the car seat, already? That is so reckless. At 9 years old. Wow. So dangerous.”

“Is your newborn listening to Mozart? No? Oh so I guess you don’t want them to read.”

“Your 5 year played a game on the tablet for an hour? Oh so I guess you don’t want them to ever find love.”

Not every decision as a parent is the biggest decision in the world.

On the screens question, the closest to advice I can give you is this (and remember I AM A STAND UP COMEDIAN THIS IS NOT HELPFUL):

Trust your own intuition for your own kids. And don’t apply hard rules that apply to every kid for every situation. Parenting does have more feel to it than I ever expected.

Your first kid is the guinea pig. It sucks, but it’s just how you learn. Unfortunately, for first borns, parenting is a lot of the on the job training. Our oldest didn’t get a smart phone until his freshman year. Our middle kid, 8th grade. Our youngest starts 7th grade next year…I wouldn’t be stunned if Santa brings a smart phone. I’m kidding. Santa can’t afford that. I’ll add a 5th show in Denver next weekend to get the Santa fund full.

There’s a lot of tools out there. Our kids are middle school through college now so we aren’t on the front lines of internet and tablet monitoring devices the way we once were. But definitely look into all the safety and monitoring tools you can, certainly just don’t hand them to keys to the internet and walk away. Safer to hand them the keys to the mini-van than do to that.

Just do your best to walk into every new situation with your kids trying to gather as much data as possible and then using your parenting instincts accordingly. Read the articles, talk to other parents, and make the decision together as the parents. But know that that decision doesn’t apply forever and doesn’t apply to each kid. And know that just because I like the fish tacos at Chuy’s doesn’t mean you will.

Like I said, parenting does have way more instinct and feel to it than I realized it would. But the good news is, if you’re trying, over the years you get better at listening to it.

It’s kind of like a Spidey sense, which is also a fitting comparison. Because like Spider-Man, parenting is quite sticky.

Now, other than my deep and utter loathing of the drive to Alpharetta from the Atlanta airport, I had a great time at the club and this pod.

Joel brought up the question that I get the most BY FAR as a dad / comedian / entrepreneur / clown (clown is probably most accurate because of how long it took me to get close enough to the word “entrepreneur” that spell check could even recognize it).

And that is, HOW DO YOU BALANCE IT ALL?

If you want the full answer, check out full episode, but I think I get to the heart of it in this clip.

This resonating with anyone else out there? That when all is said and done, we’re not gonna wish we worked harder on our jobs but instead, that we would have been there more for our family?

In certain fields, and I’m in very much in one of them, there’s almost an honor in being dedicated to your craft above everything else. And maybe that’s true, maybe that’s what it takes to be the best of the best.

But if it is, no thanks.

Listen I love stand up, but I’ve yet to make a crowd laugh in a way that feels half as good as eating a churro with my son at a minor league baseball game. Very specific example I know but I did it two weeks ago. God bless minor league baseball and god bless churros.

But I don’t buy it (the idea above, not the churros, those I buy so much of…the tickets were $8, the rest was churro money).

I don’t buy that you have to sell out your friends and family to make it to the “very top”.

First off, there’s no such thing as a very top. And even if there is, you can’t stay there.

Also, there’s no way to prove this. It isn’t data that is quantifiable (yes, another word it took me and spell check some time on). It’s just locker room poster talk that people use to justify pursuing their own interests over the ones around them.

Don’t get me wrong. I work my tail (clean comic, here) off. I’m out 48 weekends a year, written a book, written, performed and recorded three comedy specials, for 8 years did a weekly podcast and post on almost every social media everyday.

But when I’m home, I’m HOME. I avoid work as much work as possible. I schedule my posts ahead of time. I’m hands on. Every drive, chore, and errand I can. My reps know I’m not available for calls. I take the first flight home (literally on a 530AM flight from Pittsburgh home right now running on two hours of sleep after a 6 show weekend). I avoid working holidays. I make it to the big tournaments, races, and performances. Last week I caught my daughter’s recital then headed straight to the airport for a redeye to Columbus, Ohio.

I mean, this is so obviously worth it, right? I’m no martyr. My kids and especially my wife are sacrificing way more than me. Things like this don’t feel like some above and beyond, they feel like the least I can do.

This might be a little heavy for a comedian but I sometimes have this image of being an older man whose health is declining. And I think, who’s gonna be there for you? Who’s gonna be surrounding you in those moments? Your clients? Your boss? For me, my fans? They won’t be. And if you give them all your time now, your family won’t be either.

*in my wife’s voice: “Alright Dustin, that’s a bit much for people on a Monday morning”

What do y’all think? Parents out there just trying to hustle as well, would love your thoughts…

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?!

About 8 years ago, I started this podcast at Lestats, a show room / coffee shop in the Normal Heights neighborhood of San Diego. I was interviewing comics about their families. I hosted a weekly stand up show there and before or after I would do the pod with the comedians.

From the jump, that’s what we were: a funny podcast about family.

When Covid hit, guests were a challenge to find. Then I remembered that a) I don’t love talking to people and b) my wife Melissa is the one exception to that rule. And for the last 6 years, it’s been Melissa and I and the occasional guest doing the same thing: talking funny things about family.

But alas, all good things come to an end. Also bad things come to an end too. I don’t think we’re a bad thing, it just hit me that I think that expression goes both ways. Right?

Melissa and I truly loved doing the podcast — we’ve laughed, cried, and fought quite a bit in that studio (sorry to our producer Andy you had to see the fights).

But podcasts take time. And time at home that I don’t have that much of anymore. There’s about 10 reasons we’ve decided to end DMMCBT, but the primary is that we just felt it’s run its course and we’d like to be done with it. I have 3-4 days a week at home and God knows I work too much as it is.

Is that allowed? Are you allowed to just stop doing something because you don’t really want to do it anymore? And you don’t regret doing it because you got to make something with your wife that you loved and you’re exceptionally proud of the work that you’ve done and glad it’ll exist online forever but you just still feel like it’s best to hang it up and let a thing run its course naturally? Also are you allowed to ask questions in an announcement?

Alright, back on the rails Dustin….

The main reason we decided to hang up the head phones is the same reason I’m excited about Substack: I don’t have to take away from my family time to do.

These posts are gonna be very similar to the pod, funny writing about family (and more), but they are gonna be written in the clouds, desks of Courtyard Marriotts (currently at one in Buffalo), and pretentious coffee shops across America.

I look forward to connecting with all so many new folks here and absolutely NONE of you when I’m at home.

To new beginnings! And to quitting!