This both was, and was not a surprise.

Early stage startups can have these waves at times.

Not my first time doing this particular dance.

My last day will be next Monday, which is somewhat odd timing, but alright with me.

On Tuesday, I raise the flag to the world.

The #OpenToWork on LinkedIn.

Never used it before.

I will have to let you know how it goes.

I am both nervous - in the face of the uncertainty - and excited to see what comes in this next chapter.

My time over the past two years working to provide software in the healthcare industry has taught me a lot.

• About the importance of privacy.

• About the responsibility of companies to protect user data.

• About the direct ability of software to save lives.

Most of all, I will miss working with my colleagues.

My friend that introduced me to the company will be in Europe right before I leave the continent, and so I hope to get to see him in person.

The previous time we met in person was at our last startup (before we were laid off from that one as well).

This transition reminds me of the fragility of things.

For example, the feeling of shame that arose when I wanted to tell a research colleague of mine who I run research projects with.

So much shame to the point that I did not even raise the courage to broach the subject of the layoff in the chat I had with her earlier this week.

The irony is that I know that my self worth has nothing to do with this role.

Or the next one.

Or the next.

Yet, the emotional element from all the cultural programming is still there.

To this I remind myself:

Acknowledge.

Welcome.

And release.

In this way, I will flow with grace through this closing, and open myself to that which is next.

Woe is me.

What did I do wrong?

These questions and statements may feel familiar.

The answers will vary across the days.

The acceptance of the feeling is the key.

The mind wants to know.

A state of balance can return even before the mind knows.

Even after the mind knows, it may continue seeking.

In this way, it fails to recall.

That acceptance is the way to freedom.

Because nothing is ours.

The apparent possession of anything is trick of the mind.

My body.

My life.

My plan.

If it was your body would it get physically ill?

Of course we can say that everything happens for us.

Because of course it does.

This being true does not make these things belong to one though.

Massive suffering occurs as a result.

For our failure to embody this reality.

When we acknowledge where we are.

With all of the deeply held beliefs about what is ours, and therefore about what is not ours.

We can look to the horizon and imagine...

What if the opposite were true?

Let’s take an example.

“He is disturbing my peace!” A man thinks as his neighbor plays music loudly in off hours.

Another person hears the same music and feels, “What beautiful music. I would love to learn to play like that.”

To the first person, who was doing the disturbing?

The sound waves of the instrument traveling through the air are not doing anything.

They were created by the musician.

The musician knows the rules and regulations of his neighborhood, and chooses a time to play when his community says that it is alright to.

In this respect, he feels like he does his best to not disturb anyone.

Inside of the man who is disturbed, his physical body receives sound waves upon it.

Then, through mental reflection, the man engages in self torture.

On a different day, the same man may react more like the second person.

With feelings of appreciation and gratitude for the gift of live music.

On a down day, such feelings may not be within reach.

This is normal.

When one develops awareness, reflection upon both reactions can be had in the moments after the initial hearing of the music.

On the happy day, gratitude for feeling gratitude.

The best sort of double dipping there is.

On the rough day, acknowledging the aversion to the music, giving oneself grace for the aversion, and imagining those moments where gratitude was expressed.

Neither path is indulgence.

Neither path is suppression.

The music appears.

Attention goes to it.

Whatever internal process needs to happen, happens.

Then, the attention can be returned to wherever it was focused before.

If the previous focus point is no longer interesting, then start off fresh on something else.

Anger or pleasure can be like an addictive substance.

What they do to our biology can have our mind returning over and over again to some trigger.

Not a fruitful cycle to engage with.

Drowning it out or suppressing is not the path; instead embracing the mental loop in the same fashion as one does for the initial event.

In this way, facing each challenge down.

With open heart and open mind.

Then, taking one step forward.

Place the palms of the hands flat on the ground.

This thought...

A single one heard through the deepest fears, worst regrets, and heavy self-deprecation rampaging across my mind give me a pillar to lean on.

When I heed this thought, I move my arms to place my palms on the ground.

For those of you who are not familiar with working with Ayahuasca, in ceremony movement can feel anywhere from normal to bizarre.

Eventually, my hands find their way to being flat against the ground.

Sometimes the ground is pounded earth.

Feeling cool and calming.

Sometimes the ground is sandy dirt.

Sticky and grainy against the skin.

The texture does not matter.

Intentional contact with the land that carries us every day is the point.

In this moment of intention remembering:

I am held.

From the moment I was born, to the moment I die.

This ground beneath my feet carries me day in and day out.

Tap into the feeling of the physical connection with the earth; place the attention into the seam where flesh and land meet.

Work with that connection to find the breath.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Push the belly out on the exhalation.

Allow it to draw in on the inhalation.

At the start of this exercise in moments of feeling disturbed, the breath can be shaky and ragged.

Bit by bit...

Whatever emotions need to flow, erupt, or burn, run their course.

As they do, we can notice that some of the emotions come back around.

Asking, asking, asking.

More attention.

Not enough.

If we allow our sense of self to become too identified with an emotion at any point in time, we can lose ourselves.

This can lead to moments of bliss.

This can lead to moments of terror.

Therefore, a reminder can come in handy.

I am not my mind.

I am not my emotions.

If it is the physical body that is causing emotional suffering, then one can remember...

I am not my body.

I am not my breath.

When I watch my young daughter she reminds me of these things all the time.

The way she flows so freely from one state of being to another.

Much more free than most of us as we age.

Where we become trapped in the prisons of our mind, of our self imposed identities.

Which can keep us safe.

Offering us a tribe to feel like we fit into, or a way of life that allows for a feeling of comfort.

To bring a childlike essence into daily adulthood has been a great learning opportunity for me.

When sad, cry.

When in pain, express.

When happy, smile.

There is nothing wrong with moving among these states over and over again.

Life presents its circumstances.

The majority of which we cannot do anything directly about.

We can influence how we engage with what is.

When we feel like we cannot, then we can turn to Nature.

Taking time to disconnect from the whirlwind of life.

Go be among the trees.

Listen to the sound of the river.

Feel the wind on your skin.

Reminding you that all will be okay.

Build an AI agent with an innovation in 3 hours.

Interesting call to action.

My first idea was boring.

A bolt on extension of an old project.

I finished it in a few minutes, and knew I needed to do something different.

I paused.

Wondering...

For a previous project, a colleague mentioned how it would be cool to consume the GitHub Security Advisory stream, which is a list of vulnerabilities shared to the public via the most popular website where software developer’s collaborate on code.

This thought bubbled up in my mind and I headed over to that page.

I stumbled across a 10.0 rating, which is the highest rating a vulnerability can get.

After reading about it for a few minutes, I decided to take a peek at the whether or not it was possible to determine if a website has this vulnerability from the outside.

I found out that it was.

My next step was to go to another website that allows one to query against a massive proportion of the overall traffic of the internet.

The plain English equivalent of my question was:

How many websites have this vulnerability?

~1200

A few more details about this particular vulnerability in case you are curious… ;)

Imagine it like this.

There is a hacker.

Through the equivalent of typing in specific page for the vulnerable website, they are able to have full control over the content of your website.

In other words, not good.

Even though there is nothing innovative about sending out a lot of emails, I knew I needed to perform outreach to all of these website owners.

I have helped a few people with creating and maintaining websites in the past, and the average website maintainer is not setup for success with this sort of security risk.

So I email all 1200.

A few hours later, deeper down the research rabbit hole, I realize through looking at the problem from a different angle that only 700 of the 1200 are definitively running the vulnerable version.

Oh god.

I scratch together my “Oh sorry, you are not running this dangerous software” email.

I send it out.

The following morning, when I check in on how everything had gone over night, more than a few of the people had replied.

One was angry. He wanted my initial outreach email to include an offer of doing business to help them fix this issue.

Another told me that I was going about the process the wrong way.

The vast majority were grateful.

They indeed were exposed.

Many of them had already been hacked.

They used the resources pages I stubbed together to secure their software.

I was satisfied.

Was the project innovative?

No.

Did it have a outsized positive impact on many people?

Yes.

Why do I share this with you?

Because I had no idea how to do any of this before I tried it.

I just poked my nose into a thing that seemed curious, and followed where it led me.

Rather than allowing analysis paralysis to take over, I went the path of action.

This action benefited others.

Excessive analysis would have helped no one.

Now?

I have a new experience under my belt.

Not to mention a few embarrassing emails I will need to follow up on, bowing at the feet of the people whose inboxes I knocked on uninvited.

Looking forward to the next learning opportunity I come across where I can make embarrassing mistakes.

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The day after she left, we celebrated the international day of yoga with meditation at sunrise.

In the week and a half since, I have stuck with the early morning schedule.

Often times meditating by myself after walking over to my office.

Other times, meditating with a different friend over Zoom.

Yesterday, my friend invited someone she had met to come to the meditation session.

She had told me about this person being interested some time ago, and so I was happy when he hopped into the call.

It was early for him.

05:30.

I was impressed.

He had no meditation practice, yet here he was, showing up for himself before even the sun was up.

At the end of the session, he were ready to get the next one on the calendar.

This morning, it was only myself and my new meditation buddy, as our mutual friend was out traveling.

By the end of our session this morning, I was feeling a little guilty as I asked if he was good to have the next session after I finished up my upcoming bout of travel.

This guilt I experience was a symbol.

Of my deference for the beautiful energy and dedication that this person showed up to this new thing.

His energy had a profound impact on me.

On what it means to carry the torch of knowledge.

To hold that torch into circles with new friends.

Passing on the torch.

Cultivating the fire of practice together.

Meditation is an inward practice.

We are not sitting and chatting.

Yet to do it with community is much more powerful.

The open and clear energy of the morning is conducive to doing this type of inner work within community.

In November, I will be back on Isla Mujeres for an upcoming yoga teacher training.

Until then, I will miss the experience of sitting together with people at Maha Shanti School of Yoga, greeting the sun with our silence.

Then, we will share 21 days.

Meditating. Chanting. Singing. Speaking the truth.

The students will undergo an opportunity unlike any other.

Three straight weeks of showing up for themselves.

In a rigorous and liberating rotation of physical yoga poses (asanas), philosophy, and learning how to hold space as a yoga teacher.

Not to mention the early mornings of rising before the sun to sit in community.

Two evenings ago while holding meditation space at the school, I shared with a student how the time in my training was one of the most precious periods in my life.

What you are able to learn about yourself, and free yourself from, when you show up for yourself day over day, is unbelievable.

This is the wish I have for all beings.

“Yes! Tomorrow morning, at 6 am.” The teacher replied.

“Oh wonderful. Thank you so much.” Said the woman before turning to walk away.

I turned to the teacher and said, “That is exciting. We will see her tomorrow for meditation.”

The teacher waves a hand.

“She will not come.”

Time passes to the next day.

Morning meditation begins and ends.

Do you think the woman was there?

She was not.

Despite her excitement, her interest, and her investment in chatting about meditation, she had no follow through.

The teacher was able to tell this within five seconds of speaking to her.

Regardless of what we may wish for people, for their becoming, for their heath, or for their family.

It is up to them.

No one else.

Yes, external circumstances exist.

They constrain and push us.

How we are in the context of this environment - that is 100% ours.

The loss of this power, of our ability to lead our lives, is ingrained so deeply within us we do not have any idea of what we have given up.

Let us take a small example.

If one was to go out of the house today, and randomly observe 20 adults sitting, then what prediction would you make about their posture?

Would they be:

• Seated upright, with back muscles supporting their erect spine?

• Curving their lower spine outwards, rounding like a banana?

The results of this observation would be in stark contract to the same exercise of observing 20 babies who had all recently learned how to sit.

How do you think these babies sit the majority of the time?

From the four I have had the opportunity to observe over the past year, I can say that their posture is amazing.

Their spine is erect. Their seated position mostly stable, with a little teetering at times.

It puts adults to shame.

So what happens in the interim?

Why do we (the big babies) go from that to the norm of sitting with a curved spine?

My belief: it is the ego.

Its desire for comfort and ease.

We forget the miracle of being able to hold ourselves upright, and fall into a weird habit of story telling ourselves that this outward curving of our lower back is somehow comforting.

If you have the opportunity to train your back muscles a little bit, then go sit somewhere (say a wedding, a long lecture, or a sermon) for an extended period.

One of the times when you go to such a long event, intentionally sit like most of the other adults.

Curved spine, bad posture.

Note how it feels in your hips and back.

Now go back to a similarly long event, ideally with equally uncomfortable chairs or row benches, and sit with your back straight.

Again, note how it feels.

Yes, exerting back muscles will make them tired.

Yes, if the back muscles are minimally developed, then this can present as difficult.

The class of pain is different from sitting correctly (like babies), and sitting like a banana.

One is a healthy burn.

The other is an uncomfortable soreness.

The bridge between these two types of pain is practice.

A few seconds of sitting with spine erect to begin with.

Then minutes.

Day by day.

Your practice will build your strength.

Your body will thank you.

Your body can do this, because once upon a time, you were that little baby that had just learned how to sit up.

You perfectly balanced yourself. Sitting straight. Happy as you explored the world from this new vantage point.

Give yourself the practice and allow yourself to return to this world view.

The ego and its desire for comfort need to be presented with data.

Then, it can be recruited over to the side of more effort.

Which in the end, involves less suffering.

Sounds like a win to me.

Notice it.

Fast?

Slow?

Shallow?

Deep?

Are you breathing from your chest or from your belly?

When I watch my baby breathe, it is always from her belly.

Somewhere along the journey, we start pumping our chest up and out for oxygen.

We fight gravity.

It is more efficient to breathe from the lowest depths of the lungs.

There is a higher and more efficient exchange of oxygen the lower one goes into the lungs.

And yet...

If you watch yourself, and most of the people around you, then the chest is what moves with the breath.

What to do about this...

Little moments.

That is all it takes.

Notice the breathe.

Do not change it.

Stop all this effort.

Develop awareness.

Notice the breathe once a day.

Or even once a week.

Slowly slowly...

A habit forms.

A little mental nudge.

How am I breathing?

Eventually you may be inclined to try to change your breathe.

If so, you could end up delighted to find that you feel calmer when you take three deep, slow breathes from the belly.

This could feel inaccessible to you right now.

That is okay.

You must accept yourself as you are.

Cultivating awareness is the way.

Everything else will follow.

Life is full of ebbs and flows.

Sometimes there feels like there is little time.

In other moments, boredom strikes.

When a long period of time has been all consuming, with few moments for reflection, it is essential to have a drawn out period of reflection afterwards.

More than is comfortable.

More than feels necessary.

Especially as the recent tendency to be busy will be the dominant mental track in the mind.

Any habits that can be expanded to facilitate this period of reflection should be learned into.

• Yoga

• Journaling

• Meditation

When it feels like enough time has been spent on reflection, stretch it out a little bit longer.

If that is not possible, then come back to it the following day.

Allow more and more to rise up.

What was neglected during the period of focus?

What was dominant?

What felt right?

What felt wrong?

Before nervously making a plan for what is next, dance with these questions.

It is not like there is a correct answer by any means.

The act of engaging with the questions is the point.

Time in nature can facilitate this process as well.

A step away from the normal day to day environment, and exposure to trees, mountains, meadows, or the ocean.

Time spent in a state of play, breaking the routine up and reconnecting with one’s childlike nature, is also liberating.

If you know that there is a period of intense focus on the horizon, and you have the liberty to schedule for this period afterwards, it is deeply beneficial to do so.

This way, when an opportunity pops up that would conflict with the rest and reflection period, you can stick with your earlier intent.

Even if there may be resistance to letting go of the urge to prolong the focused state for longer and longer periods.

Trainers of world class performance athletes discovered and deployed this philosophy to bring more rest and recovery into the daily and weekly plans.

Yet for some reason, much of the rest of the world drifts in the opposite direction.

Failing to understand the detriment across all areas of life that result from neglecting down time.

Stop scrolling.

Stop checking emails.

Stop sending DMs.

Go outside.

Go exercise.

Go read a book.

Break the endless loop, and enjoy the recharge.

The subject matter of the paper?

An area I had curiosity in since mid last year.

At that point in time, I came across a system card for one of the Opus models from Anthropic (a competitor to OpenAI’s ChatGPT).

You can think of a system card as something like the table of contents and glossary of a book mixed with the idea of a car technical specification book.

In this Opus system card, there was a section on AI welfare.

During my time in college, I studied consciousness, and so this AI welfare idea drew my curiosity.

People tend to have varied views about morality, consciousness, and welfare. All without having to expand beyond the focus on only humans.

When I saw that one of the leading AI labs in the world (Anthropic) brought on their first hire to work on AI welfare and had released details around their investigation into bliss attractor states (think: ecstatic / inner peace state of being) of their frontier models, I had a feeling I needed to expand my depth of knowledge.

There are a variety of arguments around whether or not it is reasonable for effort, time, and money to be used to understand a question such as:

Could current or future AI systems be moral patients, conscious, or otherwise deserving of moral consideration?

I will leave these off the table for now, but let me know if you are curious about this.

That said, in order to deepen my understanding of the space, I formulated an experiment to expand on the work Anthropic had reported in the system card.

I used this experiment as a part of my application to Future Impact Group (FIG), which is a group that offers mentorship for this type of research.

Last fall last year, I heard back. It was a rejection.

For a period of time, I let the experiment rest on the sidelines.

I focused on cybersecurity, my day job, and the arrival of my first child.

When I returned home from the hospital after my child was born, I plugged back into technology for the first time in a week.

My calendar offered a reminder for the Supervised Program for Alignment Research (SPAR) mentorship application deadline.

Applications were due the day after our arrival home from the hospital.

I did not feel like applying.

Then, I asked myself, “What questions am I interested in exploring?”

The experiment I wrote up for my FIG application came to mind.

With it, I submitted to be a SPAR mentor.

Six weeks later.

Another email.

This time, a notice of approval to serve as a mentor.

This was very ironic to me.

Because in late December 2025, at the SPAR Demo Day where I presented work performed during my time as a mentee throughout the final four months of 2025 I met a person with an interesting story.

The individual had:

• Applied to SPAR as a mentee. Received a rejection.

• Applied to FIG. Received an invitation.

• Applied to Astra (another AI safety fellowship). Received an invitation.

I had:

• Applied to SPAR as a mentee. Was accepted.

• Applied to FIG. Was rejected.

• Applied to be a SPAR mentor with almost the same application as my FIG application. Was accepted.

My point?

Do not read a single No, a closed door, or an ignored email as a strong signal.

The lack of resonance from the particular door being knocked on means little.

Yeah, being ignored, rejected, or turned down can suck.

Try another door.

Pursue curiosity.

The paper I submitted today is not something the version of my self four months ago had any business leading a team on.

What happened in the interim?

Dedicated focus. Questions to people ahead of me. Taking action despite uncertainty.

From the moment I kicked off this project with my four mentees, I set the North Star: a submission to NeurIPS.

The how, what, why, who, and when of each component of this goal were not known ahead of time.

Fixating on a strict or detailed plan would have wasted previous time and energy.

Instead, I focused on keeping the vision big enough, the North Star in mind, and the coordination dance of multiple people collaborating towards a shared goal as the daily guiding principles.

Now, the research questions, real world AI Safety deployment interventions I can envision, and doors I feel comfortable knocking on, feel infinitely expanded relative to where I found myself at the start of this research project.

My question for you:

Do you have signal indicating that something irreversibly bad would happen if you tried anyway?

Action beats being ready.

If your mind gets in the way, then write out the worst case scenarios.

Likely, the pursuit of your goal and curiosity will not kill you.

Therefore, you will able to try again.

So give your idea a go.

How are you feeling?

Was it a stressful week?

Was work challenging?

Did your personal life contain conflict or uncertainty?

When I realize that I have not thought about my feet recently (give me a second here), then I reflect back upon these types of questions.

Because my answer to at least one of them will be yes.

The more stressed I am.

The higher up in my body my awareness goes.

The higher up in my body my breath goes.

This is in comparison to the breathe I noticed in my little baby girl this morning.

Short, shallow diaphragmatic breaths.

In a way that only a baby can breathe.

I do not know when I transitioned away from that to this interflowing between belly breathing and chest breathing.

The thing is...

With attention, the breath can be returned to the belly.

Because it is how we were when we first got here.

A breathing reset that I gave to a mentee of mine earlier this week was as follows:

• Interlace your fingers with each other.

• Place your loosely connected hands over your belly button.

• Through the nose, exhale completely.

• From the belly, pushing those hands away from your spine, inhale through the nose.

• At the top of the breath, pause for just a moment.

• Through the nose, exhale slowly.

• At the bottom of the breath, pause.

• Then again, push the belly out with your breath, and inhale through the nose.

• Do at least full three breath cycles.

This takes very little time, and can be done anywhere.

If you are self conscious about the hands (maybe because you want to do this in a stressful meeting), then just place your awareness at your belly button when inhaling.

I do not wear a smart watch or any sort of health tracker anymore.

However, if I did, and I needed additional rationale evidence as to why I should do this practice more in my life, I would observe my heart rate before and after taking a few mindful breaths.

The next immediate question that should come to mind is: What if I spend more time breathing like this?

What if I always breathe like this?

I know I would certainly feel better.

If the moment calls for it and you want to take the exercise deeper, then drawing your awareness to your feet placed flat upon the ground. Barefoot is ideal of course, as otherwise you have blinders on your feet.

The simple reality is that the earth always holds you.

Your feet are the primary point of contact and reminder of this.

So when I realize that I have not connected to my primary point of contact with this beautiful earth, then this signals to me that I am probably:

• Lost in thoughts

• Stressing about external events

• Consumed by internal suffering

My favorite place to connect with my feet is on the beach.

Early morning or late afternoon - because the Caribbean sun is strong.

Sinking the feet a little down into firm sand, which wraps around the feet like a hug, feels secure.

Take some time this week.

To connect to your feet.

To connect to your breath.

To remember how you used to breathe as a baby.

Because your body knows.

Your mind needs only to play along.

When one’s walls are down, what is you versus what is the other becomes more fuzzy.

This allows for beautiful cohesion.

At least when operating in safe environments and with trusted people.

Opening oneself up completely when being exposed to hatred, violence, and anger can be counter productive.

It can lead to recoiling away from the unexpected, charged energy that takes form in harsh words or expressions by another person.

Love can be used to diffuse a situation, but not if the recoil away from the person’s negative words put you off balance.

This does not make it a weakness to be open.

Although there is an important skill to learn, of how to open and close.

Self-knowledge of how to return to the safety of one’s own being allows to maintain inner peace even when facing the influence of another person’s conscious or unconscious efforts.

Otherwise, a lack of awareness of one’s open state can allow for a disturbance of peace.

When one’s peace is disturbed, action no longer comes from love, but from reactionary defensiveness.

Let us assume that the goal of healthy communication among any group of people is to move forward towards a common understanding.

In this light, it should be apparent how any defensiveness is not beneficial.

It is the play of the ego.

Of the fear of being wrong or being wounded.

So how can we strive towards true communication with others?

The first step is cultivating awareness.

As we speak, take note of where what we say comes from.

Do we shut down another person’s idea because we think that it does not make sense for reasons of ethics, safety, or economics?

Or do we shut down their idea because we would prefer that our idea instead receive the attention?

The habit of cultivating awareness is best started in times of calm.

Upon just waking up, what dance does the mind enter into?

What stories are being told?

What is the mind attracted to?

What is the mind repelled away from?

Where does active effort to redirect the mind away from a particular path work well?

Where does active effort not seem to achieve any change?

In this way, when we find ourselves in a challenging situation, completely open, we can become aware.

The moment that we realize we have placed ourselves naked in front of a blast of energy from another person or situation, and that this energy is draining us, we can:

• Shield ourselves

• Step to the side

• Recuperate

After we do attend to ourselves, we can reopen to the outside.

After the roots stretching from beneath one’s feet down to the center of the earth can be visualized within one’s mind, and there is a sense of being grounded and connected to the earth, we are ready.

If the other person or situation that led to the realization of our overexposed state is still present, we can try to return to the objective of communication.

Be kind and patient to yourself in process.

Learning how to open and close takes time and practice.

Connection from openness with another is beautiful.

Hurt that comes about when we receive negativity can lead to not wanting to open up again.

Do not give up.

It is worth the effort to find out how to re-open.

I believe the art of knowing how and when to close in the face of something that does not serve me will be a craft that I continue to develop to my dying day.

Until then, there are only opportunities for practice.

Without the darkness, light would be impossible.

The core duality.

Which came first?

I do not know.

To move from one to the other is an act of surrender.

To recall that I arrived without expectation.

So I must do my best to go without expectation.

Along the way?

A thousand, million deaths.

Some terrible.

Others uncalled for, unwished for.

And yet.

What is life if not the road to death?

The inevitable leap at the end of the road is a reminder to be present.

This is it.

Not later.

Not yesterday.

Only this moment.

“Yes but” says the mind and the ego.

With all of their hopes and plans.

Regrets and short comings butting their heads about our aspirations for freedom.

This freedom is yours.

It has been and always will be.

As parents bring children into the world to give them to death.

So too does all of existence offer to itself the chance for freedom.

If only we would listen.

Not to the chitter chatter and the this and that of he said she said.

Noise noise noise.

Please.

Breathe.

Quiet down.

Grow still.

Come into the present.

You are all that there is.

Sit with this.

Put it on a sticky note.

Give yourself reminders throughout the day.

So that when you face great, unmet expectations, and fear, you have a rock to rest yourself upon.

These emotions must be given space to breathe.

A mantra, or mind tool, is used to ride the waves of the emotions.

In this way, we can feel what we need to feel without our experience becoming overwhelming.

A mind tool can be anything that is pleasant and serves as a good point of focus.

“It is what it is”

“I am that I am”

“I am Evan” - fill in any name :)

This upcoming weekend when I sit for ceremony, my mantra will be the rope from which I hang while the medicine first spreads through my being.

When the time comes and the calling in my meditation signals to that it is time to go, I will release the mantra.

I will surrender to the broader intelligence of the unconscious, the world around me, and the simple faith in the knowledge that all will be well.

Even as I have no idea what lies beneath me when I release this rope.

I have yet to die, but when I do, I hope I feel ready to let go of that same rope.

Trusting

Hoping

Knowing that all will be well as I fly into the abyss.

This and that “I need to do”.

The feeling of not enough time.

For the things that you want.

For the things that you love.

But if you do not make time for them today, because well, there are “more important” things to attend to, then when?

Will you really have more time later?

Maybe.

There is a trap to this mental loop.

Of always thinking that there will be more time for the things that we would like to do later.

We were given the time that we have.

With no guarantee that we will have as much as we want.

The pushes and pulls of life can leave us feeling a state of wanting.

More of this.

Less of that.

If we are not careful, then our precious energy will be spent only on the things that we do because we believe that we have to.

Someone, or something, led to us forming a belief that reality is a particular way.

It is unlikely that this is true.

This is why it is so important for us to spend a little bit of time in silence.

Not talking.

Not listening to music.

Not engaging in mental gymnastics thinking about the future, or the past.

When we no longer let our attention engage in all of these things, we allow for silence.

It is always there.

We just forget.

Because there is so much going on around us, we end up feeling like noise is the default.

Your breath is a powerful tool to cut through this noise.

In any moment, you can exhale completely, and clear whatever it is within you.

It is a way to perform a small reset.

To come out of where you are in your mind

To give yourself a rest from the waves of emotions that you have been facing.

To return to the present moment.

You are never not there, but the mind gets so wrapped up that we forget this truth.

If you give yourself one gift today, give yourself this:

• A deep exhale

• A pause

• A slow inhale

If you really want to love yourself, then do this three times.

Then, check in with yourself.

Do you feel even a little bit better?

I hope so.

If you do, then make a little reminder to yourself.

To the you later today.

To the you tomorrow.

To the you next week.

A reminder to just take a breath.

Do not forget...

If this practice helps you, then tell someone you know who needs to hear it.

Show them.

Guide them through it.

Ask them how they feel.

In this way, you help the world to heal.

Starting with you.

Then, spreading to those you feel called to serve.

You are following a direction set by someone.

Maybe a boss.

Maybe a client.

Then, after late nights and early mornings, you get a message saying:

Actually, never mind.

The thing you were working on?

No longer relevant.

In fact, you need to spend more effort to clean up the mess that making the deliverable created as a side effect.

This exact scenario happened for me today.

It is not something unique to the world of software development, but I believe the field of software development provides a lot of opportunities for this to occur.

Years ago in earlier programmer roles, it would deeply bother me when this happened.

I would go from happy flow state to unhappy and disturbed.

It was a beautiful surprise to witness within myself the lack of emotional recoil today.

To cleanup my mind after needing to act upon a hard left turn, I gave myself a few minutes of time.

To walk to the ocean.

To stretch my body.

To get away from technology.

That way, when I return to my desk, I am not haunted by what happened.

Instead, I feel free.

It is hard to describe the difference at how irritated today’s scenario would have made me just a few years ago and now.

Where before anger would live on as a smoldering ember for hours, tainting my mind, and everything that I did, I now feel calm.

This freedom.

From self induced suffering in response to external stimuli (which we have no control over!!!), is what I wish for all beings.

Because the external world is what it is.

This is not a letter of resignation.

Go out into the world and bring about change.

But when the world ignores your cries for the alleviation of suffering or fails to hear the importance a problem, remember...

It is not personal.

It is not a reflection upon your value as a human.

In this way, feel what you need to feel.

Ground yourself in nature.

And let it go.

Do you want to equip yourself with the tools to move through the challenges of life?

Learn how I did it

I was so grateful for the 18 day retreat I had just taken at Gaia Sagrada in Ecuador, and all the lessons I had learned there.

Upon landing back in Isla Mujeres, I was referred to a Ayahuasca Integration Masterclass, run by a trusted friend of a local shaman.

I had grown so much from working with Ayahuasca, but I knew very little about integration.

So I went, and learned about the Ayahuasca Integration Guide training program she was running.

It was 15 months long, and would involve both going through the integration container, as well as learning how to guide people through it.

Immediately after the workshop I chatted with my partner about it.

It was clear to both of us that I should pursue it.

I am so happy that I did.

Despite the work that I had done so far, when the integration container kicked off in July 2024 I found myself:

• Disconnected from my emotions, in fear of emotional overwhelm, and out of touch with my intuition.

• Bending to perfectionism, instant gratification, and the urge to constantly be productive.

• Avoiding conflict and running away when I was triggered.

As a part of the 15 month container, I went to another Ayahuasca ceremony in October of 2024.

With the guidance of my teacher, I prepared my intention for this ceremony.

Never before had I approached the work I do in a ceremony with such mindful attention.

For the year that followed the ceremony, my teacher equipped me with the tools and techniques to navigate:

• Avoidance

• Burnout

• Inner judge

• Perfectionism

While this work was not easy, and at times I did not want to show up for it, by the time I finished the container I felt so much lighter.

I gave myself permission to feel, and I felt like I had the tools and awareness to navigate challenging situations.

I no longer tied my sense of self worth to my performance, excellence, or wealth. Instead, my worth come from just being me.

I went from not being able to forgive myself for my indiscretions that destroyed my last relationship to being able to love and accept myself.

Are you ready to let go of self criticism, and begin working with your challenges rather than being consumed by them?

Join myself and fellow integration guide, Karina, on Friday, March 6th at 11 am EST for a free one hour masterclass.

In it, you will learn:

• How ongoing integration support turns insights into lasting transformation, rather than letting them fade into memory.

• How integration prepares you before ceremony by helping you clarify intentions, regulate your nervous system, and enter the experience with awareness instead of fear.

• Why this is not just a therapeutic container, but also a teaching space where you learn tools to navigate and own your emotions.

This session is designed for you if you are:

• You feel the calling of the medicine, but fear, doubt, or uncertainty are holding you back.

• You’re ready to take responsibility for your healing, but you don’t want to walk this path alone.

• You’ve experienced Ayahuasca and now you’re unsure how to make sense of what came up or how to bring those insights into your real life.

• You don’t just want another ceremony, you want real, lasting transformation.

Register here

Now, for the next five months, I am back where I found grounding nearly three years ago on Isla Mujeres.

After being away from the ocean for many months, it is a great joy to see it again.

Switzerland is beautiful, but the sun hides in the winter and the ocean is a little ways away.

On Isla Mujeres, the sun feels so strong I will surprised if I do not get a sunburn.

Neither place is better or worse than the other.

Simply different.

For me, returning here to ground into this new phase of my life is fitting.

When talking to a friend who recently went through a challenging life event, I encouraged them to come visit me on Isla.

The vastness of the ocean.

The community of yoga practitioners.

The proximity to the jungle.

This mixture leads to a unique blend that is profoundly healing.

As long as you are open to it.

I did not know that this place specifically was what I needed three years ago when my decade long relationship came to an end, and my work life was in complete upheaval.

All I knew is that I was burned out and full of sadness.

I had gone to Isla in December 2022 for a few weeks on a family vacation, but thanks to my remote job, I had the luxury of choosing to not take a single day off the entire time here.

It was a mistake, although one that set me up to come here in April of 2023 for a two week vacation that transformed my life.

Looking back, it is funny to admit how little idea I had of what the future would hold.

This is a great lesson.

In the highs and the lows, there is not much certainty about what will come.

Wearing a cynical hat we can propose that death is guaranteed.

Although how one chooses to walk that final bridge is what all the rest of life acts as a training ground for.

In this way, it feels impossible to say that the event itself is guaranteed, because how and what it is like is deeply influenced by all of the steps taken between now and then.

When I am back on this island, I feel my steps are deeper and steadier, as if there were roots going from the base of my feet into the ground beneath me.

In contrast, in my past when I have lost my grounding, where I find myself wrapped up in self-torture within my mine, there are no roots.

If anything, I barely notice my feet at all, as all of my attention and energy has become trapped in the mind.

When we are in an environment that makes it difficult to come down to earth, all the more energy has to be burned in order to do so.

Not to say that it is not impossible.

Just that there is a price.

So be mindful of your environment.

Of what goes into your eyes and ears.

Of what you put into your mouth and your lungs.

It bears weight on the quality of your life, and your ability to connect to yourself.

Release what does not serve you.

Then, allow life to guide you towards what does.

Imagine a circle with little arrows pointing outwards from the edge of the circle.

Now imagine another circle, where all of the arrows are lined up one after another, end to end.

In life, there are options.

This and that path can be explored.

The exploration phase is important, as it provides exposure and breadth of knowledge.

It will never grant depth.

Choosing a single path and then showing up to it over and over again, despite all of the shiny objects that will show up trying to pull attention away from the path and onto something that looks novel.

To develop mastery within something, whether it be a relationship, a vocation, or a pastime, continued focus over a period of time is the only way to build confidence and mastery.

Flitting from relationship to relationship or hobby to hobby will never grant the opportunity to overcome the challenges that only present once enough energy has been dedicated to one endeavor.

Exactly what path it is does not matter.

Except that it must be your path.

Not chosen by parents, partner, or advisor.

Society will do its best to say what does and does not matter.

What is the smart path, and what is a waste of time.

In the case of a career, making money is essential, but not the end all be all.

Otherwise, there would not be financially successful hedge fund managers chasing more and more and more money, while their mental health and relationships crumble.

Was it really their calling to manage a hedge fund?

Maybe so, but if it is pursued at the cost of essential areas of life, then the capacity to thrive within a chosen path is damaged.

To be focused does not mean to neglect basic necessities.

The need for social comfort.

The need for physical security.

The need for a chance to rest.

When the basics are accounted for on a regular basis, it is easier to tune into the little inner voice trying to call out.

Offering a reminder of what is the right path.

As a mental exercise, reach far back into early childhood to feel into memories where there was a deep resonance with an activity or object.

Maybe it was visual patterns.

Maybe it was competitive sports.

Maybe it was tinkering and building.

These early inclinations, where happenstance and environment exposed each of us to a broad range of stimuli, come from within us.

As opposed to all of the concepts we learn through societal pressures to think are avenues worthy of pursuit.

Having recently become a father, I am mindful of this challenge.

How to provide the opportunity for exposure to different elements within life?

While not pressuring towards any particular path as being the right one.

What I believe is right for my daughter has little bearing on what is right from her point of view.

The same is true among all relationships.

Mentorship offers the opportunity to serve as a mirror and a guide for other people, even in the most informal setting of hearing a story told by a friend faced with a problem.

Unsolicited advice does not land, but offering someone the space to be truly heard sets them up to feel into it for themselves what they really want.

When someone is open, giving little nudges may be helpful.

All the more so when we talk to a person about similar problems over an extended period of time, as the patterns people have picked up from their traumas and life experiences mold them, but often not into the precise person who they wish to be.

This frame can also be turned inwards to one’s self-talk.

When thinking about whether to pursue this or that project, a voice of encouragement may rise up in response to the consideration of project A.

Whereas a voice of discouragement rises up in response to project B.

It is worth considering which of these voices feels like it comes from a place of service, and which of these voices comes from a place of conditioned reaction.

Shifting from having attention over a variety of efforts towards a select few can be hard, as it is a form of death.

Only through this death, can fertile land within you become available for what you choose to focus on.

Then it becomes time to go out to the field day by day.

Planting seeds.

Listening to the rain and thunder.

Tending to the full lifecycle of your field.

As it is your gift and your responsibility to bring the fullness of life to this field.

How are your new year’s resolutions going?

Are some still sticking?

Did some never find any traction at all?

Did you see immediate benefits from the ones that you showed up for?

While I did not make any formal resolution, on the night of new year’s eve I vowed to myself to not drink coffee for 10 days.

If you do not know this about me, I absolutely love coffee.

Probably too much.

If you are routine coffee drinker and you like to break the habit cold turkey, then you know what the first few days of coffee free living can look like.

• Caffeine withdrawal

• Headaches

• Irritability

It is joyful.

On the other side of this process is where the rewards lay.

• Ease of falling asleep

• A calmer bladder

• A less reactive mind and a more tranquil state of being.

Let me offer a comparison.

In the third week of December my schedule was packed.

I was enjoying four espressos (very bad) a day to keep my mind rolling through the week.

In the evenings when I laid down to sleep, despite the exhaustion from the grind, my mind would still be churning thanks to the caffeine that hung around in my system for at least 12 hours.

As I would be drifting towards sleep, a strong thought would pull me back towards consciousness.

Not ideal when the goal is to drift away to peaceful rest.

In comparison to the experience of falling asleep about five days into my caffeine detox, when I began practicing something called yoga nidra.

You can practice yoga nidra with various phone apps such as insight timer, or videos online.

What it consists of is guided relaxation of the body, and then the mind.

The core of the guidance is identifying a particular part of the body, connecting your attention to it, and allowing it to relax.

For example:

“Right pointer finger. Completely relaxed. Completely relaxed.”

“Right middle finger. Completely relaxed. Completely relaxed.”

“Right ring finger. Completely relaxed.”

When I began this practice five days into letting go of coffee, I would make it through the entire physical body and into various visualizations before falling asleep.

By day 10, I did not make it past my relaxing my legs, which are the next body parts to relax after the arms.

A stark contrast in my ability to fully let go and sleep.

Let us take a look at another shift that occurred.

On the 12th day of the new year, I wanted to study linear algebra.

This objective, and the fact that I had ‘accomplished’ my vow to not drink coffee for 10 days, lead me to the rationalization of - today would be a good day to drink coffee.

What do you think changed on this day?

At the end of the 12th day I reflected.

I had been:

• More reactive

• More scattered in my attention

• More groggy in the afternoon when the caffeine high wore off

It was very clear that I did not want to enjoy this wonderful drink again the following day.

The negatives stood out clearly after a long break.

The trap of most habits is that the negatives can be hard to see.

As the consequences of any given action become hidden in the mist of our daily lives.

When we press pause (because it can be easier to say ‘I am going to take a break’ rather than ‘I will never again...’), the change in quality of our daily experience can become apparent.

I do not want to say that coffee is good or bad for any particular person.

Only that through self-experimentation, can I draw a clear picture of how I feel in different environments.

These experiments can feel inaccessible because of the learned patterns that we end up with over the course of time.

“I could not do my job if not for my coffee.”

“A drink in the evening helps me to relax and wind down.”

The proof to the contrary of these beliefs exclusively lies on the other side of the self-experiment.

Hearing what does or does not work for another person is just that.

Words about another person’s life.

The mind can still counter with:

“It might work for them, but I am different because...”

“I could never do that. I tried it before and...”

The stories we tell ourselves run deep.

Change for the mind is a form of death.

“I am a coffee drinker.”

This part of me, a component of my self-identity, ceases to exist for the 10 days when I choose to not drink coffee.

If you had a choice to not exist for 10 days would you take it?

Probably not in most circumstances.

Acknowledging that this is true for different parts of the self can make it easier to embrace the resistance against change.

Give yourself grace when you are dancing with the resistance towards following through on your new year’s resolutions.

It is all a part of the dance.

No idea exactly how cold the water was.

Let’s just say I could not feel my toes or fingers after I got out of the water.

I plunged twice.

In the first interval, my breath was ragged.

My exhales were loud and through my mouth.

I squatted into the water, holding my hands in prayer position for a time, before releasing them into the water.

It is a lot colder once your hands are in the water.

After a few moments, I got out of the water.

My body started to shake and shiver.

I do butt kicks and start jumping around trying to warm up.

Prior to taking a cold plunge, I was cold wearing full winter gear - hat, snowboarding gloves, and winter coat.

After 30 seconds of hopping around, I felt totally fine with the temperature.

Then, another person in our group was going into the water for his first plunge.

I figured - Why not go again?

I walk over.

Squat into the water.

Again, holding my hands out of the water to adjust.

This time, my breath was deep and slow.

I was still freezing, but my physical reaction was much less intense.

I released my hands into the water to get the full enjoyment of the cold.

It was so much easier than the first time around.

Why did I start off my new year with this?

1. The physical and mental relaxation that set in throughout the rest of the day after this plunge was priceless.

2. I know that my will power grows (there are recent neuroscience studies supporting this) when I do things that I do not want to do.

As soon as something becomes comfortable, the physical area of the brain linked with will power no longer grows in response to performing the action.

I said to a friend in our group right before we plunged, “I do not want to do this.”

That is the whole point.

Doing the thing that I do not want to do makes me more capable of doing anything else in the future.

He gave me the same advice he had given me three months ago, when we were jumping off of a cliff in Menorca.

“Don’t think too much.”

When we overthink things, we generate more suffering within ourselves than if we just did the thing.

In this society, we are so trained to be in our minds.

Dissociation from the body is a widespread illness.

Bodywork practices such as yoga, rock climbing, or going to the gym help us to be less in our mind, and more grounded in our body.

It is not that our mind is not important.

It is a valuable tool.

But when it whips up a frenzy about not wanting to go into the water because:

• The water is cold.

• I am afraid of the discomfort.

• I do not want to climb down cold, metal stairs into the water.

All of these stories and the mental reflection upon them generate so much more draining energy than just walking into the cold water.

It is not that thinking can be avoided.

The bubbling up of thoughts from the subconscious to the conscious mind is a stream that will run throughout the course of every person’s life.

What we can do, is not give into the thoughts that keep us stuck, and instead lean upon those that help us move forward towards the version of the person we want to be.

When standing on the top of the cliff in Menorca back in September, I was thinking about how overthinking and hesitation would be the only ways that make it really easy to get hurt jumping off of the cliff.

If you hesitate, you stutter step, and you do not generate enough distance between yourself and the cliff face.

If you do not hesitate, then your steps are confident and the cliff face is far behind you as you free fall towards the water.

In situations like this, thinking and hesitation are the sure path towards a higher chance of self-harm.

Trusting that others have gone before you, maybe afraid, and they turned out okay, can be leaned into as you leap into the unknown.

Maybe it feels like the leap in front of you is one that no one has done before.

Here, we can reflect back upon our life.

• What have we done that we did not want to do?

• How do we support others through challenges?

• Where have we overcome great obstacles?

Each answer can serve as fuel to the fire we set within ourselves in preparation to take the plunge.

So what are you waiting for?

What is the thing you want to do that you have been thinking and thinking and thinking about?

Say “Thank you” to your thoughts.

And go do it.

For three months I have been volunteering as a part of a team to better understand the ability of AI to do cyberdefense work.

I was staffing the poster for the allotted 90 minutes, and then another 20 as more people kept coming by.

Two friends of mine stopped by the poster.

Both who I know through the AI Safety space.

This felt surreal because I still consider myself a novice within this realm.

However, I was reminded about the ungroundedness of this belief through some of the conversations with people who stopped by the booth.

The questions were fun to field from folks trying to understand how to make their way into the field.

“What is ‘best’ program is to apply for?”

“How to get into the most competitive ones?”

“What area of research to focus on?”

Questions that I still think about for myself, but the same questions have been rattling around inside of my mind 2.5 years now, so I can offer some tentative answers.

After I finished chatting at my team’s poster, I brought my own version of this question to the booth of one of the fellowships that I have been starstruck.

The fellowship is the Astra Fellowship in Berkeley. A research manager was staffing the booth and an upcoming attendee was in discussion with him when I joined them.

I asked what any hopeful applicant might.

“Any tips and tricks for putting together a stand out application?”

The research manager was brand new to the role could not offer insight based on previous application rounds, but the words of the recently accepted attendee stood out.

He said the most important thing in the process of entering into the field was “Equanimity.”

He had applied to the same program that I was presenting for and had faced a rejection.

A program he was enrolled in right now I had applied for and gotten rejected.

The irony is apparent.

He went on to share how he had met one of the people who had worked on the team he was hoping to join in this most recent iteration of SPAR.

He commented, “I probably would have chosen her over me as well.”

This reflection stood out to me because in application cycles we tend to have near zero feedback about why we do not receive an offer for something we are interested in.

When in reality there might have been hundreds or thousands of other people who did a better job of demonstrating their capacity for an open role.

This mental exercise can be humbling because it highlights how the rejection really has nothing to do with us.

There are many motivated and talented people chasing their dreams.

Equanimity is essential because it allows us to not take the first, the hundredth, or the 1000th rejection personally.

As the rejection truly is not personal.

However, remaining centered is not the same as not seeking self-improvement.

Because if there is some arbitrary bar in the sky on how ‘good I need to be’ in order to land whatever opportunity I am seeking, whether that be a role, new customers for my business, or greater peace within my meditation, reflection is key to unlock change.

What have I been doing?

What has worked?

What has not worked?

Where have I received positive feedback?

Where have I received negative feedback?

Who can help me understand where I can change?

How can I find those people?

When should I make time to work with them?

How much time should I commit to self-improvement?

How much time can I commit?

Step by step we can walk from being a person outside of the room, as I was relative to this idea of AI Safety a few years ago, to a person inside of the room answering the questions of people seeking entry.

Continue asking questions.

Keep talking to people who are where you want to be.

Keep showing up to the daily practice.

Because even though you do not know the exact path from where you are to where you want to be, the ground will materialize beneath your feet as long as you take another step.