Dangerous Reader! We all know I love you, but, my darlings……..am I the only one who will let you in?

Me? I can not get into anything today. I could not get into my Tide 4 in 1 Ultra Oxi Pods because it entailed a whole “push down and twist” deal, impossible! Impossible! Then, I could get the top off my nice Friendship 1% fat cottage cheese, but could not get the condom off the thing, i.e., little filmy wrapper protecting the 16 grams of protein I need to start my day. What is a hungry girl to do? I had to find a stiletto and stab the bugger three or four times. What about you?

What can’t you get into:

High Society?

The jeans you wore in college?

The jar of peanut butter? Jam? Pickles? Tomato sauce? Sauerkraut?

An audience with the pope?

The Met Gala?

The mind of your lover?

The doctor you need to see immediately?

The make-up case of Pete Hegseth?

The voting booth for midterms?

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STATEMENT FROM ROBBIE KAPLAN

“We are pleased that the United States Supreme Court has declined again to hear this case. As a result, the jury’s unanimous verdict that Donald Trump sexually assaulted and then defamed E Jean Carroll is now final and cannot be challenged in any court.”

Dangerous Reader! One old lady can not make a difference. But when that old lady has a team of the most brilliant attorneys in America, and when that old lady has the support of women around the world, that old lady can do the impossible.

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Did you study? Hustle for grades? Goof off? And did it EVER occur to you that grades do not mean diddly squat after the age of 23?

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Bonus:

Is Michigan turning young adults into total weaklings? Or are grades bullshit?

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You know why I write this Substack now? Cuz the answers to my questions are absolutely STUNNING!

Why are the answers stunning? Because I have the best commenters on Substack. The New York Times commenters are awesome. But Ask E. Jean commenters are awesome AND weird.

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It is remembering things like Feminine Hygiene Sprays that make women in their 70’s and 80’s not give two flying figs WHAT men say . . . ever.

Do you remember Pristeen? Summer’s Eve? FDS? Invented by the men at Alberta Culver, Johnson and Johnson, &c., &c.……did you fall for it?

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Dangerous Reader! I have "a knee.” Do you have a knee? Or, perhaps, like Audrey Hepburn in this photo—My Gawd, look at that smile!—you broke your back riding a horse on location in Mexico?Or maybe you have a neck? Or a shoulder? Or a “growth?” I am especially interested in a growth, aren’t you?

My knee hurts like crazy. How about your knee? Did you buy a brace on Amazon? I did. $26.97. It has a lot of velcro. A LOT OF VELCRO! When I completely fall to pieces, Darling, you can just velcro my carcass back together and take me out square-dancing.

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So. What is your ache today? How did you get it? How long have you had it? And how are you going to get rid of it?

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Audrey’s husband Mel Ferrer is with her as she arrives back in California in this marvelous Bettmann photo, curtesy of Getty Images.

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This morning the curs woke me up THREE HOURS early and shattered my morning routine….. I do not know who I am. I do not know what to eat. I do not know when to eat. I dare not look at myself in the mirror. I do not know what to wear. I mean when was the last time I wrote a Substack at 10:30 a.m.?

So help a girl out, Friends. What is YOUR morning routine? What time do you get up? When do you brush your teeth—-AFTER or BEFORE your coffee. Or do you drink tea? And how long do you steep your tea? And how do you make your coffee? And when do you move your bowels? And what do you wear? And do you dress before or after you eat breakfast? And what do you eat for breakfast? And do you ever look at your phone? And what is your mood in the morning? I am absolutely disoriented….but kind of enjoying this spleen-jangling confusion!

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Please. Please. Please tell me!

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BONUS:

Do you have your whole day planned when you open your eyes?

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Is it 1947? The year the great Simone de Beauvoir publishes her book,The Second Sex and ignites the feminist revolution? Photo by Charles Hewitt, via Getty images. Or 1440 when old Gutenberg invents the printing press? Or 3400 B.C. when a Mesopotamian woman invents writing? Or…….?

You get the picture! Let’s have some fun, darlings!

Dangerous Reader! Let’s dive into your brain, your heart, and your uterus. Tell us your answers to these three questions:

1. What is the most important date in history?

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Come, My Luvs, and tell us what you did today in that snap…… and what you plan for tomorrow.

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Aretha Franklin Snapping Her Fingers!! Getty Image by Tad Hershorn

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Let us now consider taste. Do you have good taste? (i.e. do you and I think the same about . . .

Flaubert

Pancakes and real maple syrup

Full skirts with crinolines

The White House Ballroom

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Some Like It Hot

Men

Big Dogs

Little Richard

The Sopranos

Bangs

20 year-old Vivian Westwood shoes

Motels on Route 66

Jane Austen

Taylor Swift’s wedding

Underarm deodorant

America’s Immigration Policy

Spiders

The Knicks

The Swing by Fragonard

And. . . . DOUBLE BONUS, MY LUVS!!

In what areas of life have you absolutely NO refinement, no taste, no classic, timeless opinions?

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You know what I mean. You’re balling the jack down the highway at 81 m.p.h. and “something”…..certainly not conscious reasoning, not intellectual analysis for Gawd’s sake ——more like a twinge in your gut—-causes you to lift you foot off the accelerator, slow down to 67 and . . .

BOOM!

A half mile later you pass a State Trooper. You just saved yourself a $300 ticket.

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Or…… you stop yourself before you eat the ENTIRE peach pie which saves you from two days of bloating, three days of carbohydrates fermenting in your gut, and, yes, Dangerous Reader, four days of gas, baby, gas.

Or….. you stop yourself from losing your temper at the customer service person, and end up actually receiving a full refund.

Or…..you stop yourself from having the second drink at the boss’s party and therefore do not end up rolling around under the table with the guest of honor.

Or…..you stop yourself from cutting bangs…

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Where will we go?

What food will you pack?

And what was the greatest picnic of your life?

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DANGEROUS READER! I am so excited!

What kind of basket will you pack our picnic in?

And will you provide us with amusing little napkins and a bottle of Champagne?

And what would you like me to bring?

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And if you can invite three other people dead or alive to our picnic who will you invite? And, yes, Edouard Manet knows a thing or two about picnics, eh?

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Wait. Wait.

First I have to tell you:

You can take me to the Beach for $2.99

Starting tomorrow at all eBook retailers!!

Now. The 3 questions:

1. Were you popular in high school?

2. Did a book ever change your life?

3. What rugs do you recommend for the Hovel? (Your lighting recommendations were BRILLIANT don’t ya know.)

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Ruminating?

1. Were you popular in high school?

Probably one of the inquiries that reveals the most about who you will became and . . . who you are now.

2. Did a book ever change your life?

Oddly, when I choose well, or choose stupidly, nearly every book I read changes my life. But the book with the most impact: Green Mansions by W.H.Hudson. I found it on the family bookshelf at 15.

3. What rugs do you recommend for the Hovel?

I need you help here, Conflabbians. I am lost….. have spent—not exaggerating—hours on rugs.com.

P.P.S. I am so pleased at myself for following your suggestions for lighting cuz now the Hovel glows (unless I look at the floor). P…

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While I was away, two things happened: First, I created the Topless One-Minute Cheese Toasty:

Load cheese on slice of Dave’s bread.

Microwave 30 seconds.

Slather mustard.

Pickles.

Time: One minute.

And, also, this happened:

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The photographs are by Justine Kurland.

The New York Times Op Ed is by Ivy Meeropol.

Because The Conflabbians (our famously ornery Ask E. Jean community) are buried under just gobs of engrossing novels, beautiful trips to the mountains, splashings at the seasides, picnics on the prairies and marching bands with happy baton twirlers . . . and because nobody has any worries, frets, fears, fantods, spiking anxiety, or terrors about the future . . . and because we all spend our days laughing and joshing and necking and dancing . . . . and because some Conflabbians do not subscribe to The Times, I will just quote a bit from Ivy’s Op Ed, all right?

It is about a little triumph Ivy pulled off——making a documentary about the two Trump Trials at a time when the rest of the country is——this is best word I can find——conforming. The movie is called Ask E. Jean. Its New York Premier is tomorrow, and LA is May 29th.

Here’s the open of Ivy’s Op Ed:

“Back in the mid-90s in New York Ci…

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I just discovered in an ancient notebook a list of “good names” for characters in the novel I was writing 50—FIFTY!—years ago.

I was as bad a “novelist” as it it possible to be——my dialogue was stilted, my plots were dull, my denouements were dimwitted, and my men had no penises——but the names? The names of my characters were gold. Take a look:

Maud Bristol

John Clack

Ivy Prescott

Adelaide Mayfield

Sleepy McFarlen

Raymond Lerch

Nel Brightfield

Nelly Tibitswick

Avid Jones

A Substack by any other name would smell as sweet.

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Now, Listen……We have many illustrious novelists in the Conflab. But all of us have imagined ourselves as lead characters in novels . . . so:

If you were the lead character in a best-selling novel, what would your name be?

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Also, do you have lists of character names handy for what you are writing now? Or, are you planning on having a baby and looking for good names?

And what was your nickname growing up? And what is your nickname now?

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Lighting Update

I …

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I am in the dark! Tell me about the lights in your living room! Advise me! Guide me! Take me by my gnarled—yet lackadaisically-manicured hand—and INSTRUCT me!

I live in a forest. The Hovel is darker than Plato’s Cave. No matter how many lights I drag into this joint, I can't see! Do please tell me what lights you recommend—Floor lamps! Wall lamps! Table lamps! I am helpless here!

My price range? Somewhere between Birthday cake candles and Ikea floor lamps.

Or . . . should I just order four or five of these beauts? I confess this is what I was about to buy before I decided to ask your help!

I mean, really, now, Dangerous! Can you beat the look, the price, and the classic vibe of this lamp? You can? Excellent! Tell me!

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To give you an idea of the current Hovel Lumination Level . . . .

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