I never like to start off without first introducing myself and my intentions. With that being said, I’m El— part-time visionary, part-time messenger but always a Creatrix Diva. 🌟I’m grateful to have you here🌟. My intention with this post is to expand the collective understanding of astrology through a more nuanced, interconnected, and rooted lens. I’m not here to tell you anything new but more so to reveal patterns that already exist. This isn’t a transit reading but more so a breakdown of the relationship between the zodiac signs Leo and Aquarius.

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[Keywords]: Specifying keywords I repeatedly mention with context

Them: I’m not simply referring to a group of people but a structure. I’m referring to what bell hooks coined as White-Supremist capitalist patriarchy and those that uphold it

Humble: *insert dictionary definition & origin*

[Keep this in mind while reading]

Let’s Begin…

When we talk about the archetype of Leo, there’s always going to be an element of creativity involved because Leo is ruled by the Sun— which governs life itself. I think of the Sun card in the Smith-Raider-Waite tarot deck that illuminates a child joyriding in celebration. A lot of people believe Leo to be unserious, but the element of play is deeply serious to the Leo archetype

Playing for Leo is a means of surviving as a fire sign. It’s necessary for the Sun to shine in order for us to see another day; the same can be said with creating. The Sun rules our vitality and what happens when our vitals get low? We become lifeless

“A symptom of photosynthesis

Is knowing,

that sometimes what you give out

will not come back in the same form

However light always gives life to something” - A Poem by me

That’s where Leo’s counterpart comes into the mix— Aquarius. A lot of people forget that the zodiac rarely works in isolation similar to the nature of life. Aquarius is the 11th sign of the zodiac traditionally ruled by Saturn and ruled by Uranus in modern astrology framework. Due to it being the zodiac before the last sign of Pisces, I like to see Aquarius as almost full circle but not quite there yet. It’s the essence of trying to figure out the Rubik cube and being so close to cracking the code.

As an air element a lot of mental energy is involved in how Aquarius interprets and perceives the world around them. Mercury is exalted a.k.a living its best analytical life, whilst in the sign of Aquarius. They’re constantly trying to make connections and understand how things work together. Aquarius wants to understand the systems, similar to Capricorn, to reconfigure not uphold them.

Aquarius itself is a paradox of a sign because it can represent individuality as well as conformity. Which is why it can point to outsiders because what happens when you don’t conform to the group? You get kicked out. There’s a level of inclusion and exclusion surrounding the Aquarius story

Aside from the Chris Brown element, that phrase in and of itself expresses the sentiment of the Leo to Aquarius axis. Aquarius has the ability to maneuver through different social dynamics. Whereas Leo can easily feel left out because they’re not always able to integrate as easily. It’s challenging to make the Sun blend in. People are going to respond to solar energy before it can announce itself. With Leo energy, people may have a preconceived notion of you before even meeting you. Which can make relating feel performative because people aren’t connecting with you, they’re relating to the image they projected onto you. Due to this, Leo energy could have a wound around visibility. Imagine being constantly looked at but never truly seen.

We live in a very Saturnian type of world that measures success with external validation and constant advancement. This mindset naturally diminishes the power of creativity because it may not always be “functional” to the inner workings of our lives. However, Leo season swirls around every year to remind us: We don’t have to earn our playtime. Creativity isn’t designed to be efficient, it can just be enjoyable. Leo SZN helps us remember the plot of our existence is literally sometimes just as simple as having fun.

The planet Pluto is currently traversing the sign of Aquarius; I know there’s no denying the collective despair, anger, grief, and anguish. We are all on some level or degree feeling the pains of being human right now. The struggle of trying to live and love inside structures that weren’t designed to hold us— is truly depressing. We are all deeply sitting with the questions of: How do I hold onto my humanity whilst the bullshit is exposed? What does it even mean to be alive right now?

And you know what??? I feel like the answer lies in the very thing we’ve been told is:

“a pastime”

“childish”

“a hobby”

But how many times has creating saved you? Saved us?!!

What about that time when that one song cradled you through that devastating breakup?

Or When you couldn’t cry so you let the pen write your feelings instead?

Or that affirmation from a stranger that walked you off a cliff you didn’t know you were hanging from?

So pleaseeee let’s CUT THE BULLSHIT and stop acting like creating isn’t a form of care

As a collective, we underestimate and undervalue the hefty weight that creation can hold. That’s the blend of the Leo to Aquarius axis; It’s how the power of creation can indeed change the world. Creation is not optional, it’s necessary. If the Sun decided its role was optional, we would be obsolete. END OF STORY!!!!

The sun isn’t just shining, it’s holding together a whole damn galaxy. It would actually be selfish for the Sun not to show up.

WE NEED THE SUN IN IT’S FULL CAPACITY FOR US TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. WE NEED YOUR LIGHT AT ITS BRIGHTEST. YOU DIMMING DOES NOTHING TO PROTECT OUR FUTURE. YOU DIMMING DOES NOTHING FOR HUMANITY.

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We’ve been lied to and told that our humbleness is a virtue, but it’s actually a

d i s e a s e to the progression of fucking humanity. We’ve been taught to make ourselves more palatable and somehow told that it’s the nice thing to do. Well dare I say, it’s actually SELFISH asf. Hoarding your gifts and hiding yourself won’t earn you more applause at the end of your life, it’ll just be evident that you were too self absorbed to see how your light would go farther than you. Leo will always show us the ✨light ✨but Aquarius shows where it 🪐reaches🪐. Together these energies show us the magnitude and impact of our creations.

Creativity is a fundamental aspect of envisioning a more liberated world, however we’ve been led to believe that reality is set in stone, fixed, and untouchable. We’ve nodded our heads along when people say, ‘that’s just how things are’ but refuse to ask the necessary question of “who made them that way?”

Every rule, structure, and system that we currently follow was made TF up because someone had to create it. So no, I will not settle for accepting shit as it is because again; who made it that way? And if they made something up, why can’t we? This is where the true revolutionary thinking starts if you ask me. The revolution won’t be televised because it begins in the fucking imagination.

That’s why there’s so many attempts to downplay our creativity because at the core of uncontained creation is the ability to break free of any perceived constraints. The real danger is a population of people that can conjure up an alternative reality so expansive they won’t need to adhere to the limitations of their current reality. They’re not afraid of being left out, they’re afraid of losing control.

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Play is how we build after we burn shit down. What’s the point of revolution if we’re not going to reimagine what it means to exist in this world? This reality is really play dough and a lot of the rules we subconsciously agree to follow are literally made up to keep us in our place and punish those who dare to push beyond it. We don’t even recognize how limited we’ve been until it’s time to create and the only thing we can do is recreate the same box we just left. Creativity requires that we step outside of what we know to create what’s possible. Jupiter in Leo is saying to H E L L with a minimalist, mediocre, and ordinary life.

It wants your FULLNESS. Your MUCHNESS. It wants ALL of you as you are.

Play is just as revolutionary as community organizing, if not an integral part of it. We have to be willing to color outside the lines of what we as society have been told to accept and demand more. The sentiment that creativity is irrelevant to the movement will keep us putting out the same fires in different buildings. When we can see play as a radical act of defiance against conformity and extreme conservatism, we can utilize our personal light as a form of unified political resistance. Which is at the heart of the Leo-Aquarius story, how being ourselves can be impactful.

I’m not here for the conversations that seek to devalue art and artists during these times because art has been and will continue to be the thing that progresses society forward alongside the systems work.

Art is EXACTLY what we need right now.

Creation is EXACTLY what we should be doing.

Joy is EXACTLY the medicine.

When Trump closed down the Kennedy Center, it just confirmed that play itself is dangerous to a system that thrives off obedience. If Aquarius asks, “what alternative structures need to be formed?” Leo asks, “how will we live inside them?” What does it look like to place care, warmth, and play at the center of what we’re revolutionizing?

[I don’t have all the answers, but I’m holding these questions with y’all]

You may not be immediately applauded or recognized for the work you’re doing or have done. But the question is: Does it still matter enough for you to do it? Is your heart still in it even if no one is looking?

A prominent example is Sojourner Truth who is well known for her speech “Ain’t I a Woman” and she wasn’t popular during her time. In fact, her sentiments were regarded as complaints by white suffragettes and her message was not accurately valued at that time. However when you speak her name today, it holds tremendous weight and that’s because not everything you create is for the current generation.

That’s the Leo-Aquarian axis working in real time; knowing that the things you create might not resonate with people around you because it was built for future generations. It’s not because your creations don’t matter, it just may be an element of timing which is very Saturnian. Not everything that’s impactful will be felt immediately. Which is why we must hone into the WHY behind our creations because you may not always have the instant gratification of recognition.

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Another notable example is Eartha Kitt when she was invited to speak at the White House luncheon in 1968. She openly spoke out against the Vietnam war and it’s detrimental effects on her community. People love sharing her interviews, but did y’all know my girl was basically blacklisted and punished for speaking her truth??! I think that’s an important reminder to understand that when you are creating from your why and moving with purpose— it may not be received well at all. In fact, you may leave a bitter taste in people’s mouth simply for sharing your truth. When you step into the creator role in your life, do know that some people may not support or uplift this decision.

. . . if you tell the truth — in a country that says you’re entitled to tell the truth — you get your face slapped and you get put out of work. - Eartha Kitt

The challenge of Leo energy is believing that you can control how people respond to you and the truth is— you can’t. Understand that people don’t owe you appreciation or applause. Visibility will always come with a level of perception and that may not always be an accurate representation of who you are. It’s about being okay with the fact that people will have different versions of you in their head and they may not all be positive. The Sun naturally creates shade, embrace it.

These famous revolutionaries and activists that we quote today were indeed not the most honored during their times because they were bringing forth something so different it took years for people to adjust to their creations. What you create now may not be received until later. Aquarius gifts us with a level of detachment that can make opinions feel impenetrable, which is exactly the medicine Leo needs sometimes to create authentically.

It’s the irony of realizing no one’s watching:

Which could make you feel foolish or it could make you feel free.

The choice is yours.

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M e D ! a GALLERY

References, stories, and art that allows you to sink into the Leo to Aquarian energy

🎧 Listen 🎧

• Counterfeit by Mereba

• Alter ego Doechii

• Superpower Beyoncé

• Bigger Beyoncé

📽️ Watch 📽️

• Create without the need to be seen

• You’re doing society a disservice by not being who u could be

📚 Read 📚

• The Rise of Performative Vulnerability

Black Art Matters The Pop Up

The Difference Between Attraction and Recognition: Why Some People Feel Significant the Moment You Meet Them

of your life. The first is attraction. The second is recognition. One is rooted in perception, while the other seems to emerge from somewhere beyond conscious reasoning, leaving us with the inexplicable sense that a stranger has entered our lives carrying a significance we have not yet had the opportunity to understand…

Read more

a month ago · 28 likes · Black Art Matters The Pop Up

Giorgia Pecora

Full Moon in Aquarius: Someone Is Talking About You Right Now

The Full Moon perfects at 6°30’ Aquarius on July 29, at 16:35 here in Sicily…

Read more

a month ago · 63 likes · 8 comments · Giorgia Pecora

When Gemini SZN starts gemini-ing, remember your breath 

As the inhale and exhale carry forces of change with it 

Remember how through every season you managed to breathe 

Remember how your ancestors breathed through revolution 

Remember how you can too 

When the breeze grows into a whirlpool 

And that thought you thought about keeps thinking 

Come back to the hands 

They know a language unspoken of 

Come back to the linguistics that lingered before the mind gave birth to doubt 

Come back to the sorcery of words pulled apart into spellings 

When the breath was an extension of life given 

When we all knew our breath 

By its name and called it what it is— spirit

When Gemini season starts gemini-ing remember chaos is how the revolution grows wings 

And in order to fly you got to carry duality, travel in-between worlds and across Vernaculars. A true messenger lies at the crossroads of translation, where everyone holds truth but everyone hears it differently a true messenger sings the tune that allows the message to actually land where it’s supposed to be 

When Gemini season starts Gemini-ing Remember not every loose end needs to be tied. Not all stories have endings, some things are ongoing and some things are mysterious. Allow the loop to be proof that the facts won’t save you, another ring of information won’t be the evidence your looking for

Because data without depth is just extraction 

When Gemini season starts Gemini-ing Be like the wind, stay open just a lil longer, witness the contrast without condemning it,

Hold the itch before scratching it, sit with your questions before your brain tries to pick them.

Let your thoughts be butterflies that flutter with no attachment

As what comes must also go

This Gemini season when mercury floods your head with noise and your you mind won’t stop churning

Unplug from the source, just for a second

And watch how your power still remains on,

electric,

charged,

ALIVE

P.S 💌: Happy SOLAR Return to my everchanging Gemini Bbys, keep us on our toes ✨🫶🏾🌞

[Writers Note]: I hope you all are doing well in this season of your life. I know we’re all feeling the change. So I thought I’d write a poem about it. Until next time my loves, keep creating 🦋

Sincerely 

El <3

Housekeeping

Links

Please click on all my hyperlinks as they are the evidence and data to support the claims I’m making. There will be works cited at the end if you prefer to read all at once.

Help Me Help You

I try to make my astrology interpretations as simplistic and understandable for those who may be newer to the craft. If you have any recommendations on how to make the practice more accessible and integral pls DM me. I always want my interpretations to be less jargon and more real talk like we’re just chitchatting about the stars literally.

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Today Scheduled Programming: Big Ole Jupiter

So here’s the gag Jupiter stationed direct March 11th (EST Time) 2026 in the sign of Cancer at 15 degrees. Okay well you may be saying that’s cool and all but WTH does that mean?!

Okay you got your cup ready? Well then let’s spill the tea…

Mini Crash Course on Jupiter

Jupiter is a big gassy spacious planet— It inflates, emphasizes, and blows shit up. Yes, it’s similar to a hot air balloon. In that it just keeps getting bigger because of its ever expansive nature Jupiter usually cannot be contained by the physical reality, thus it’s not easily limited. I seriously think Jupiter created the phrase, “take up space”. Jupiter holds the essence of spirit because it cannot merely be contained to the flesh, it has to float. Which is why Jupiter in traditional astrology is the parent of Pisces AND Sagittarius because neither of these signs are beholden to earth thus they need room to roam, wander, and explore.

Did You Come Home to Yourself?

With the ever growing Jupiter in the sign of Cancer it’s the energy of moving house. Transiting from one emotional space to another and changing directions because Cancer rules over the emotions and is a cardinal sign focused on setting the mood. Jupiter in Cancer is equivalent to the coming of age moment where you leave the nest and explore who you are outside of where you’ve been. It’s the separation between what’s been comfortable (Cancer) and what’s required for further growth. Jupiter retrograde from November 11th 2025 - March 11th 2026 was a time of cleaning house; Revisiting memories, lingering baggage, and old wounds. It’s like when you begin packing and come across old pieces of clothing that you forgot existed, Jupiter retrograde wanted us to sort through that to determine what’s still resonant and what needs to be released.

With Jupiter stationing direct, you’re taking one last final breath after gathering ALL your belongings and finally ready to leave. It’s a lesson on accepting your past so you can move forward. Cancer’s symbol is a crab, so we had to ask ourselves where we might be clutching onto an experience out of resistance and refusal to change. One thing about Cancer is they’re gonna remember and this isn’t always a blessing; sometimes it acts more like a clenched fists. It’s like Erykah Badu said,

“I guess nobody ever told you,

all you must hold onto is you,

one day all them bags gon’ get in your way”

Jupiter is exalted in Cancer because it can take up its full form without negating reality. There is no limit to emotions and the depth in which you can feel them. Jupiter in Cancer encourages us to feel EVERYTHING and promises growth when we lean into our sensitivities. However, it can also exacerbate emotions to the point where they feel too big for us to hold. What needs to be put down so there’s more space to feel? Are you ready to confront the world and remember home is something that you don’t stay within but instead grow around? Jupiter retrograde feels like returning and realizing the skin that wraps you has always carried you back to your core. Before you lived anywhere, the body was always your first home.

And if home is the body, then your home cannot be bound to a place; it can only exist within it. Family is not merely the people you grew up with but the ones who grow alongside you. Family is the home you make inside of other people, the hearts that warm your soul, they don’t need you to stay close to feel loved because family doesn’t tie you to the nest, instead they position you to fly.

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Jupiter in Cancer can lean into excessive self-infantilization. “I can’t do x,y,z because my family needs me” or “I need my family to do x,y,z” which roughly translates to a crunchy situation of codependence where you don’t trust in your own or others capabilities to care for themself.

Where are you prescribing yourself to role of caretaker for grown adults or denying responsibility of your own growth by outsourcing your needs? At some point you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. At some point if you never leave the comfort zone it behaves a lot like a decorated cage.

Through The Worldly Lens

I.C.E has been on a more visibly treacherous path since 2025. Jupiter entered Cancer on June 9th, 2025.

“Thirty-two people died in Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) custody in 2025 – making it the agency’s deadliest year in more than two decades, as the Trump administration moved to detain a record number of people.” - Manni Singh, Coral Murphy Marcos, and Charlotte Simmons in The Guardian

The ruler of Cancer (moon) is exalted in Taurus which means Taurus and Cancer are cousins, they share prominent qualities. Taurus provides the necessary assets to secure a shelter, which is tied to Cancer. So in order to feel safe (Cancer), you need stable resources (Taurus) a.k.a you need to know the ground beneath your feet is steady. There’s an uprooting and displacement of immigrant families stability under the guise of protection for resources. There’s the framing that if we don’t “protect” the resources (land, money, etc), then we’ll be unsafe. This framework alienates and indulges an “Us vs Them” mentality. Chris Armitage describes the foundation upon which I.C.E is truly built on.

“For the 39%, the border is an existential crisis. An invasion. They have heard this framing for years from every source they trust. Millions of people crossing illegally, bringing drugs, bringing crime, overwhelming hospitals and schools, changing the country they grew up in” - Chris Armitage, Medium article

If the Red Scare taught us anything it’s that “protection” is merely political reinforcement of the same age old white supremacy to keep people in their place and fearful of authority. When you’re a white man in power, you don’t need “reasonable suspension” because the system has already granted your voice as the most valid and reasonable regardless of approval. If you frame immigrants as invaders then the harm is justified as necessary retaliation. And when we’re too busy pointing fingers at each other then we’re not actually able to hold accountability for the systemic structures that implement division. The I.C.E mission statement is “Protect America through criminal investigations and enforcing immigration laws to preserve national security and public safety.” A key element of what they do consist of determining who belongs and finding ways to justify dehumanization towards those who don’t. Which was the same mentality that allowed decades of lynching to legally occur post-reconstruction.

In her book, In Our Shoes, Brianna Holt describes this as “...a message to everyone else that you’re an outsider, that you don’t belong there, and that you’re not welcome.” Belonging has always been very racially biased in a white patriarchal nation—that’s also Jupiter in Cancer and the historic protocol of expansion in the United States of America. Whenever there was expansion, there was also exile or extermination. Either way it was a pure disregard for the inhabiting people who occupied the land. When we think of Jupiter as expansion and Cancer as history, we must ask the question whose history is being expanded and whose is being minimized? What’s home for people who have been gentrified out of their own neighborhoods?1 What’s citizenship when you can be deported at a moment’s notice?2 What’s comfort when the ground beneath you can easily be uprooted? What’s security when you never had the privilege of feeling protected? This isn’t me being dramatic, it’s history, and it’s documented in blood on the hands of the founding fathers.

{Voice note about what’s fascism}

“That’s what happens when entitled people get access to the power of and for the marginalized. They have not ever lived in a world where roots were the only medicine, where their lives truly did not matter so when you ask them what they want, it’s always MORE. “ Jay Walker, Saving Our Ancestors

Pop astrology tells you that Jupiter is essentially the love and light queen but the Sagittarius rising on the U.S.A natal chart whispers the story we all try to avoid. Most astrologers don’t mention that Jupiter isn’t just handing out blessings all day, it’s energy can be manipulated to perpetuate harm. Jupiter can be chronically dissatisfied because it doesn’t always know when to put the brakes on, so it can take things extremely far. In relation to history, Jupiter is exemplified by colonization which is the desire to frequently conquer and conquest for more.

{Voice note about Jupiter}

As Maya James, my mentor, states in her book, “With massive growth, most systems cannot help but move in a direction that is often exploitative of the people who make it”. Massive growth can become detrimental to the environment and the body. A historical example is the booming 2nd industrial revolution which heavily increased fast paced factory work at the expense of animals, workers, and the environment. Whereas a modern day example can be found right on your doorstep with Amazon Prime’s speedy same day delivery contributing to the global climate crisis and violating workers rights.

“Workers report long hours, timed bathroom breaks, surveillance of work productivity/speed, intense isolation from others, physically demanding quotas, and other difficult conditions to work under. These working conditions take a physical and mental toll on the workers, who are often treated more as a data set or a robot than as humans.” Amazon Worker Rights: At Home and Abroad

There’s a tendency to seek more whilst ignoring what’s ignoring what you have. Jupiter is commonly referred to as the planet of growth, but continuous growth without stability or recovery is just mass destruction. With Jupiter there’s always an elephant in the room that no one wants to address— when is enough, enough. Overindulgence and overconsumption are Jupiter’s shadow side with enormous effects. Vastness doesn’t equate to substance because something can be so large but so empty. We’ve all felt the sensation before with lonely people in crowded rooms.

“I’ve been seeing lonely people in crowded room

Covering the old heart with new tattoos

It’s all about smoke screens and silhouettes

But all I see is lonely people in crowded rooms”

- Sam Fisher, This City

“Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong” - Sam Fisher, This City

You don’t want to end up in a gigantic mansion with so many rooms but no one close enough to share space with. Jupiter in Cancer challenges us to fill the space that matters. My mentor articulates this through the pitfalls of a traditional Hero’s Journey in comparison with The Black Madonna’s Journey which she defines as “a non-linear, less colonial, more realistic approach”. The task of journeying is a vital element of Jupiter’s energy because through traveling metaphorically or literally, you gather insight. The wisdom of Jupiter can’t be engulfed in a day, it must be digested through one’s lived experience. From the wisdom of lived experience, you accumulate a philosophy. This is the inherent life cycle of Jupiter.

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Experiences -> Wisdom -> Philosophy.

A person who doesn’t practice what they preach is the embodiment of an unbalanced Jupiter. Either they hold too many beliefs with unsupported experiences or they have yet to extract the lesson from their own experiences.

There’s been a surge in the amount of people becoming an expat due to the increasing disconnection from their homeland. People are moving from occupants to inhabitants of the land which is shifting how people approach “home”.

“As per statistics by the US Federal Register, there has been a 102.4% jump in Americans expatriating in the first quarter of 2025, compared to the last quarter of 2024.” US Expat Numbers Double in 2025 as Americans Seek New Lives Abroad

Cancer is our root system which ties into one’s ancestry, culture, and heritage. Jupiter assists us in branching out to discover that our roots aren’t stagnant; they travel. The I lied to you song performed by Miles Caton in Sinners emphasizes this cultural fusion with the interweaving of different ethnic backgrounds shaping one another. Kendrick Lamar’s and Bad Bunny’s Superbowl performance highlighted a celebration and pride in one’s heritage. Both of these artists created immense cultural connectivity by honoring how different cultures inform each other. It’s recognizing that we’re all under one roof united by the varied expressions of our humanity. The ancestral practice of Hoodoo has also become increasingly revitalized. As more Black Americans explore the depths of their lineage, they will return to ancestral wisdom that was passed down through family teachings, stories, recipes, memories, etc. If Taurus is the seeds we plant, then Cancer is the harvest that provides nourishment for future generations to come. What we tend to now, will affect the people who come after us. Jupiter in Cancer asks us to tend wisely because whatever we nurture will grow.

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However it goes beyond the personal because Pluto is simultaneously in Aquarius, by tending to our inner sanctuary we’re able to extend the care. Under this transit care shouldn’t only be reserved for those you love but offered as love for humanity. Jupiter in Cancer has its arms spread wide open ready to pull its warm embrace over the entire earth because it’s the ultimate Big Mama.

Art to Sink Into Jupiter Direct in Cancer

• Bag Lady Erykah Badu

• Cycles Myracle

• Blessed Daniel Caesar

• Bloom Doechii

• Sunday’s Best Doechii

• Neighborhood Kitchen

• Kinfolk Mereba

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Now let’s get into this read, grab your teas.

It’s a long and juicy one

Actually Wonderland Does Exists, It’s on Neptune

In the month of February, Neptune and Saturn will reside in the sign of Aries. Babbyy they’re going to be conjunct A.K.A in the same room breathing down each other’s neck. That’s how close these planets are going to be. Meanwhile, this is all occurring in typical Arian fashion. Things are about to get real, real quick. Aries is aware that readiness is a scam to avoid taking necessary action. If you feel called out, well that was Aries nicely asking, “What are you going to do about it?”.

Neptune is an illusionary trickster who can conjure dreams and nightmares in the same breath. It correlates to what Gen Z’ers call “cappin”. If you ever met a fraud, schemer, or scammer it’s likely they had prominent Neptune energy. On the other hand, artists and healers can also have strong Neptune energy. As with everything in this life, planets run on a spectrum. Deception and veiling aren’t inherently bad as they can be used as a form of protection. In Neptune’s world, things don’t exist in mechanical ways because what’s logical to the spirit?

“Nigga, now you see me, nigga, now you don’t

Like Jamie Foxx actin like Ray Charles” - Lil Wayne from Only

Similar to a Fairy Godmother, Neptune can deliver the most magical and beautiful transcendent experiences a human can have in this life. Which is why its children, Sagittarius and Pisces, are THE most whimsical mf’s out here. Name a Sag/Pisces heavily influenced being who doesn’t take big leaps of faith to change their entire life around in like 1 month. oh OKAY.

Neptune is the artist because they work in the bounds of the imaginary and unseen. Art itself is a channel that connects directly with a life giving source, so the artist is merely a translator of creation itself. To be a translator requires a fluid sense of self and an ability to receive the transmission. Imagine your intuition as antennas but there’s so much noise around you (mercury energy) that you can’t hear yourself.

The mission of Neptune is to become translucent so that source/spirit may move through you. Which is why Neptune fucked with Pisces so strongly because it was swimming in its natural waters. The spiritual realm became more transparent as the unseen layers of reality were revealed. We could no longer deny its hold: the tarot cards unveiled, the astrology confirmed, and the shadow work exposed. However, the problem was Neptune is a boundaryless Mf, so lines were definitely subtly crossed.

• The procrastination creeping in tempting you with the escape of later

• The gaslighting yourself out of what you feel

• The hesitant “I don’t mind” when you very much do

Creations that were immersive and pulled us into another world were the most valued at this time (April 2011 - Jan 2026) such as sci-fi films They Cloned Tyrone, Everything Everywhere All At Once, Black Panther, and A Wrinkle In Time. Music’s transcendent nature became highlighted and acted as a powerful agent of deep healing with albums like New Blue Sun, Mother, and The Lion King: The Gift.

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This is the ministry of Neptune in Pisces which desired to merge deeply on every level whether that be through song, film, or another art form. People didn’t want reality because let’s be honest it was stark, dull, and way less shiny. Instead they wanted something to take the edge off and cope with the harsh demands of a rigid, repetitive, and regurgitative system. Mind altering substances were also on the rise during this time such as marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, and nicotine vaping. These coping mechanisms would inevitably breed codependence and thus evolve into addiction.

“Cannabis and psychedelic drug use hit record highs last year among adults in the US. This peak caps off a decade-long upswing in the use of these substances. The reasons the country’s appetite for mind-altering substances is booming are unclear, but the increase may reflect shifting attitudes around these drugs, increased accessibility and a faltering healthcare system” - Grace Wade in the Article titled, Appetite for mind-altering substances is booming among US adults

The Disillusion of Reality

These were things you could get lost in and absolved the walls of time. However, the dissolvement made clarity a foreigner and confusion a home. Pisces inhabits fantasy and niggas were definitely cosplaying. The tricky thing about Pisces as a mutable water sign is that it can slip in and out of your hands within the blink of an eye. Deciphering reality became more and more elusive. Pisces also rules over the subconscious so there was a level of collective unawareness as if we were drifting in and out of consciousness. This birthed confusion galore with people being led every which way but back to themselves.

All of sudden there’s an explosion of coaches for finding your twin flame, a course teaching you about manifestation, and thousands of YouTube Intuitives telling you “This is Your Sign”. I even remember videos about people sharing how they manifested their Ex back utilizing the Law of Assumption. This is where the delusional reputation of Pisces makes itself known because schemers are masters of manipulating energy. This isn’t to discredit the validity of these tools but demonstrate how were being misused. Every fraud in the book had their prime time with this transit. Essentially it opened up a Pandora’s box for predatory energy to thrive because frauds need an audience to prey on.

If I’m being completely honest, I fell into a couple of those tactics myself. Looking for sign after sign not because I genuinely needed confirmation, but because deep down I hadn’t granted myself permission to trust my own intuitive source. I felt like it was only valid coming from someone else’s mouth. This handicapped my true spiritual strength because I wasn’t fully relying on it. I was outsourcing my intuition. Confusion was my body’s response to polluting my intuition. This is where the clear seeing nature of Pisces can become very blind. Neptune and Saturn in Pisces was an opportune time for really tapping into one’s spirit and communing with infinite source.

On the other side it turned more insidious, hidden, and deceitful. There was a film series called The Act released March 2019 which depicted a real life story based on the Gypsy-Rose Blanchard crime case who was charged with killing her mother. Her Mother was very controlling to the extent that she intentionally lied about the wellbeing of her daughter so the daughter could remain solely dependent on her. The mother would often gaslight the daughter to hide her own hidden intentions. This is the underbelly of Pisces and directly correlates with the behaviors of a people pleaser. Pisces is exalted with the planet Venus. Therefore, there can be a level of overindulgence with the needs of others to the point where it transfers into one’s identity. The danger lies in the lack of self that’s present when one believes they need to be needed to simply exist. In layman’s terms, the mother was a leech. To some degree we were all experiencing this, maybe not to the same extreme mentioned above but subtly with people who projected doubt over our visions or felt more comfortable with us staying the same.

With the Pisces energy it was like being fooled, when shit goes into Aries what’s in the background comes to foreground. All that bliss is ignorance shit isn’t gonna cut it, complicity will be a choice. Things will fade from being hidden to being blatantly obvious, it’s like how can you not see it? Whatever flew over our heads is now gonna be looking directly at us. What was deprioritized will become very urgent now and likely call us to action.

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Intuition Becomes Integrated

We will begin to see the differentiation between performative and true authenticity. Neptune and Saturn in Pisces was about soul alignment and building a relationship with the unknown. Spirit and source was real loud during this time that’s why the signs were signing. Don’t expect that same treatment with the transition into Aries, the will becomes our confirmation.

There’s a reason we’re all collectively tired of healing because we’ve been doing it for the past 14 years with Neptune in Pisces. We’ve been doing the dream work, dissecting our subconscious, and writing the journal prompts. We’ve tried to heal our way out of human existence and Aries is here to bring us back fucking to life. What’s the point of healing, if we’re deprived of living?

People will crave to be in their bodies and come back to shore, no longer floating off in the depths of the ocean but here in the present. Those who have been cruising off lies will be unearthed. And no I don’t mean Karma is gonna be taking names, I think that list is already long. With Neptune and Saturn in Aries—WE ARE the karma and consequence. The “be the bigger person” mentality will create a lot of resentment this year.

Things I definitely recommend

• Calling that MF out

• ADDRESS the elephant in the room

• Set the tone FIRST

With the planets previously swimming through Pisces, this is not the time to let shit slide. We’re not in the waterpark anymore, there’s no slippery slopes when you’re standing on business. Aries will not enable you how Pisces did. Everyone will have to pull their own weight and if not it will be obvious. Pisces coddled us and gave us a safety net, but Aries wants us to get to the point and quickly. Do you know you have 30 minutes?!?

With this energy people may be extremely hard on themselves (Saturn) lacking the necessary self-compassion or lose themselves in the process of becoming (Neptune). Saturn in Aries wants you to look at your shortcomings and challenges while Neptune wants you to conjure up solutions as to how you can overcome them. These two together in Aries is the definition of tough love. Being firm with your boundaries and also compassionate for when you fall because falling is inevitable.

The challenge of these planets in Aries is extreme burnout and overwhelm. It’s like trying to start a car engine that keeps shutting off. Pacing and sustainable efforts will matter to avoid workaholic behaviors. Saturn deals with empires and legacies, so when we place this in the sign related to the individual (Aries), we are carrying worlds on our back and that’s why the community will be so powerful (Pluto in Aquarius) during this time because it will allow the individual to share the load. This isn’t necessarily a burn it all down at once, it’s about having a spark and being able to pass it on.

“I bet, my uncle said I better pick up the pace
He can tell that I been stressing 'cause that shit on my face
He tell me almost every day, he knows I got what it takes
An opportunity is something you do not want to waste
Is you gon' listen to your elders, or you gon' be young?
Are you gon' bullshit all your life until that shit is done?
Are you gon' be on twitter tellin' people you the one, when ain't nobody even seen anything that you've done” ~Lexii Alijai

My Personal Experience

I personally witnessed and felt this more exhaustive energy at play when I gave into one of my vices. I came home last night from a social event and instead of winding down, I put on a tarot reading video. This morning I woke up feeling like complete shit, so drained and so tired. I think this is the reality check of Aries—our decisions do have repercussions and side effects.

I’ve always had somewhat of an addiction to social media and internet consumption because I grew up as a child on social media. However, it became more problematic during 2020 when I dove into the spiral of intaking spiritual content consuming everything from astrology to numerology to tarot. The truth is it was a shiny distraction to cope with my pre-existing lack of self-trust and constantly requiring an echo to qualify my intuitive voice. With Pisces energy, I could make excuses and remain in denial.

Here’s the tea that’s piping HOT (I’m about to call myself and others out):

Anything that removes you from your own inner authority is a form of outsourcing your power.

Why do you have to watch a tarot read to confirm what YOUR intuition already said multiple times? (Clocking myself so bad). Why do you have to watch astrology horoscopes to figure out how these energies are gonna play out in YOUR life? Why do you need a spiritual practitioner to connect you with YOUR ancestors? It gets to a point where we have to ask are these tools or crutches?

I still find myself stuck in the loop pulled in from the numerous waves of spiritual content. Now it’s really hard to escape the consequences from these addictions. The constant need to to get the okay before I can fully trust my inner knowing leaves my self-esteem in shackles. This isn’t just self doubt, it’s learnt self-betrayal that crawled its way into my skin from a very early age.

For me this looks like:

• Watching unnecessary tarot reads, consuming excessive “spiritual” content, Looking for answers & confirmation

• Waiting to share my opinion and adjusting it towards the consensus

• Acting like I don’t know something when I do

• Adjusting my phrasing depending on who I’m talking to

• Echoing others instead of developing my own voice

• Being afraid to take the lead even though I desire to

All of this makes me more vulnerable to being controlled because I don’t trust the weight of my own authority.

The Collective Unveiling

With Neptune in Pisces we saw the rise of mainstream spirituality but because Neptune isn’t all it seems to be. This gave rise to fast food spirituality, which Saturn and Honey mentioned where we took what we needed then discarded it. Everything became a potential “reading”. Being spiritual became a marketable image that people could put on for the camera and take off afterwards. Neptune is an acting planet, so it’s going to increase those pretending capabilities with whatever sign it traverses. Trust me when I say authenticity will become a new aesthetic because Neptune has never been afraid to play dress-up.

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Neptune in Pisces wanted to strengthen our spiritual eye to see through the illusions. In Aries, it’s time to get in the field and decide on a direction. However, If people didn’t utilize that time to heighten their intuition, they may become more susceptible to carrying out harmful regimes akin to soldiers carrying out orders without questioning the mission. This reminds me of Nazi soldiers and why it’s imperative we build our capacity for discomfort. If not, we risk becoming obedient to the detriment of humanity. And yes we can say this is because of the harmful rhetoric and beliefs Hitler was spewing.

But lets be real in Aries fashion, It was also because they had no FUCKING backbone that they’re rather be actively involved in the erasure of an entire human race than stand the fuck up. Had enough people decided to be against this, how would Hitler carry out his genocidal ass plans? The scary part is that this eerily resembles our modern world with what’s currently happening in the Middle East and with I.C.E agents in the U.S. Hitler needed SOLIDERS, People who LISTENED TO regardless of the demands. He needed people he could control, manipulate, and bend to his will.

“No spine having niggas” ~ Aja Monet, Hollyweird

I live in the United states of America. So I’m not gonna act like we don’t have this same mentality here with the orange faced white supremacist in office harboring the same type of ideology. This is about recognizing where we need to develop more courage, more strength, and more of a spine. Figuring out where we are susceptible to being controlled and calling back our inner authority.

Here’s what you can do:

• Learn your weaknesses

• Don’t be afraid to break the rules when they are being set against you.

• Take strategic action & practice endurance

• Mobilize in community

• Choose the battles worth your energy

• Call Out and Call In

• Don’t stand for no BS or buffoonery

• Become a threat and fuel your fire

• When you feel the overwhelming sensation of fear begging you to hide, SHOW UP ANYWAY

There will be a tendency to glamorize violence and aggressive behavior, think of every fighting scene in action based films. In movies, it’s depicted as adventurous and thrilling whereas in reality imploding social tensions have been anything but fun—it’s brutal, dangerous, and very messy. There will be new enforced rhetoric selling an ideal of what taking action and “fighting back” looks like to justify harm towards certain groups of people. Use your discernment and remember what you’re fighting for—humanity. This last era with Neptune in Pisces was about spiritual foresight, the next one will be spiritual fortification.

Watch this video for a needed activation

“All my back up is in the spirit

I’m backed up in the spirit

I’m back up in the spirit

Spirit has my back”

It’s time to grow TF up and realize what we’re really up against. If we leave this world in the hands of cowards, there will be nothing left. Don’t self exterminate, don’t make it easy for them. Define what it means to be a real nigga for yourself like Megan said, “Where the real niggas at? I’m finna bring real niggas back”. What does radical honesty really look like when it’s just you vs you?

Homework Assignment If You Really Bout It

Instructions:

1. Pull up your birth chart, if you don’t know how here’s a video

(I’m using placidus tropical astrology feel free to use whatever resonates for YOU)

2. Once chart is assembled, locate the house Aries resides in your chart

• Look for the start of this symbol on the outer edges of the chart

• Then trace it vertically to the inner circle with the numbers, that Aries ruling house

3. Then, locate your Mars sign. Watch THIS video for assistance

4. Use the Keys to help you fill in the blanks

   ---

Keys

Fill In The Blanks

I can be cowardly in relation to _(Aries house topics)_____

I can develop more courageousness by doing __(insert thing you’ve been waiting for permission to do)____________

I am a brave _(Aries house topics)_____who stands up and refuse to let my __(mars sign qualities)_________ be controlled

Create an Igniting Playlist

List at least three songs that get you activated & fired up

1. __________________________________

2. __________________________________

3. __________________________________

4. __________________________________

5. __________________________________

**Homework assignments are due in the comments and if you are feeling frisky respond to someone else. I’ll post mine too :)**

Link to Doc if you prefer your own copy https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WYW5CPCpygP_wnIGVE1sOJVqkxCmFatU09Y8IFOm-8E/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you for reading, your support is why I do what I do. I appreciate you.

~sincerely el <33

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Housekeeping: First off, It would be very rude of me to continue writing without saying where I have been. That’s equivalent to walking inside the house and not saying anything. We all know how disrespectful that is. Long story short…LIFE. I had to take time way to gather thoughts & experiences, so I can share them authentically. My presence on the blog may not be linear; I may disappear for months but I always come back when the timing is right. The timing may shift, but my soul desire remains steady: Heart centered expression. I’m not upset at my break away from Substack because I feel it was necessary, especially as an artist; Sometimes I have periods where taking a step back feeds into my creative enrichment and I’m no longer afraid to admit that. I’m considering jumping over to another website (Buttondown) to host my blog because, truth be told, I was overwhelmed on Substack and I low-key hated how it slowly began to feel like any other form of social media, which is why subconsciously I drifted away from the platform. With the current political and spiritual climate rising to conservative ideology, it’s dawning on me that we desperately need our own shit that’s not co-opted by corrupt billionaires. With that being said, I do slowly plan on shifting my blog over and I will invite you all when the time comes! For now, welcome back or welcome in— either way I’m glad you’re here.

Without further ado, let’s get into this read

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~About The Series~

As of recently, I’ve been breaking down my own glass ceiling of possibility, stepping out, and taking risks that are shattering past perceptions of self. One way I’ve been tapping into my boldness and audacity so to speak is through style. When I tell you I’ve been expressing TF outta my personal style, I mean it. Honestly you don’t even have to take my word for it because you can just look with your own two eyes (stay tuned for part 2). That’s the premise of Venus Ventures exploring Venusian themes through fashion and self-expression. Expanding upon the “beauty” that Venus is so commonly known for in astrology and translating that into depth because art isn’t just something that’s pretty to look at, it’s powerful and full of stories. In this series, I will examine the personal and/or collective origins that surround the fashion, how I creatively embed these into my stylistic choices, and the astrological archetype I interpret from the energy. It’ll basically be a mash-up of my love for self-expression, storytelling, and astrology. Every fashion trend or aesthetic didn’t just appear, it was birthed from culture and ways of non-verbal ways of communicating with the world. The whole series is based on the foundation that everything comes from something and researching the history behind the aesthetics that I personally find intriguing. If my personal styling practice has taught me anything it’s– that to style is to tell story. We will dive into the symbolism and subliminal by understanding style as technique for cultural preservation and self exploration because the further I study what interests me, the more information I gain about myself.

Knowing astrology is not a prerequisite to following along with this series, however I will be weaving in relevant connections.

Okay So, What’s Venus Got to Do with This?

I’m so glad you asked! In astrology, Venus is parent to Taurus— fixed earth & Libra—cardinal air. Think of Taurus as the trees– earthly, rooted in depth, and unshakeable and libra as the birds perching on these trees as a mating grounds to attract. Venus is connection central, and yes, in the typical sense this can pertain to relationships. However, if we think more stylistically, Venus approach helps synergize and blend elements together; Style is a conglomeration of connections. It’s how we pair this and match that. When you mix the colors red and blue, the outcome isn’t singular. The colors become joined, not just red or blue but hues that resemble characteristics of both is what Venus does at its core. It’s the interweaving of personal taste (Taurus) and visual appeal (Libra). Think about each time you get dressed, you’re essentially putting yourself together and that itself is an indication of Venus; pieces of clothing harmonizing into what we call an outfit is one of the fruitful offerings of this planet. The combination of earth and air is what makes style a physical representation of not only how we see ourselves, but also a mental reflection of how we want others to see us.

~The Story~

The story begins in an ancient abandoned castle past the eerie sky of midnight— Nah, I’m just kidding (I just wanted to have my literary fiction moment lolll). The story actually begins very simply with an uncanny amount of audacity. Picture this: It’s a slow Wednesday afternoon and your spirit is restless, the mundane feels very mundane(y), and you can practically smell the sliver of opportunity marching it’s way around the corner on audacity lane. All I had to do was walk my Black ass over. So, guess what? I BIG stepped into the DMs of photographer, Erin De Shay, in my area seeking models for Mode Mosaic. I was nervous as HELL this would be my first time modeling for an editorial shoot, but I felt the tug on my spirit and I had two choices; do something different or do the same thing. I told y’all my ballsy-ness had been increasing by just putting myself out there. What fascinated me more than the modeling was the theme itself ‘Punk Clown’. I was so intrigued that it led me to the resurgence of this series that was getting a lil dusty in my notes app—IFYKYK. I began researching the theme and not just the typical Pinterest board scroll; I’m talking about journalist rabbit hole multiple tabs open kind of research. I even dove into the subsets of punk like Afro-Punk and explored the clown symbolism. In Part 1, I’ll just be diving into the Afro-Punk history. Stay tapped in for Part 2 with the photoshoot results! I was really just enjoying learning the story behind these themes so I could incorporate them into my outfit intentionally and efficiently. Now, here’s where we get into the fun part and I share my observations with y’all :)

Afro Punk

~Origins

The original theme was just punk, but ofc I had to get even more niche specific and research Afro-Punk because I love seeing & knowing that Black people existed and expressed in different spaces outside of stereotypical norms. Afro-Punk is a Black sub-culture within a sub-culture that’s pushed as primarily white; I see it as a home within a house. Black people have always existed in the Punk scene. However, the term itself began to sprout in 2003 after the 66 minute documentary film Afro Punk released and bloomed into the creation of Afro-Punk festivals worldwide. It was directed by James Spooner & produced by Matthew Morgan exploring the experiences of Black people within the Punk Rock subculture and exposing the marginalization that’s attached when navigating predominantly White spaces as Black bodied person. In the article Origins of Afro-Punk by Dick Burroughs, Spooner explains the reasoning behind the film, “When I started the film, I was kind of buying into what had been told to me by Black mainstream people my whole life: ‘You’re trying to be white,’” Spooner says. ‘As I was making the movie, I was finding out for myself that my experience as a Black person was a valid Black experience’”(Borroughs, 2020).1

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This isn’t new though Black folk have always had to forge a sense of belonging in spaces we were never wanted and it’s no different with the Punk genre. Even then, there is a distinction between foraging and being forced out. To forage would mean we’re impeding ourselves upon an already existing environment, whereas to be forced out indicates being removed from an environment you already existed in. Maya Sakora also known as Maya Mother Goddess from Sista Grrrl says it best, “It was a huge fuck you to anyone who had shut us out or made Black Women feel that we didn’t belong in the Rock world. We fucking created that shit. We gave birth to it so of course it’s ours”(Samantha Hollins, 2012)2— I feel like that was so powerful that we all need to take a moment to let that seep into our spirit like she better TALK. THAT. SHIT. ***Moment of powerful silence, mmhmm***

This quite literally denounces the racial bias that Punk Rock only stems from whiteness when in actuality its roots are very multicultural. The ethos behind this subculture is intricately interwoven into ideals of liberation & freedom which, “gave people a voice to counter and denounce their oppression, an ethic that links back to jazz and slave hollers”(David Ensminger, 2010)3. Proof that our existence lingered and soaked into the influence of what’s now contemporary Punk Rock . Our existence was never in question, it was the attempted erasure of it.

We have to consider the political and social climate during these times especially for Black folks. And babbby was it TENSEEEE because a lot of Black people were realizing shit ain’t all good in the hood. The lies were blowing into landmines and we were rightfully fed up. Between Martin getting assassinated in 1968, the crushing consequences of the ongoing Vietnam War, and the growing distrust in the government. When it came to the 70s niggas were MAD, FED UP, AND READY TO FUCK SOME SHIT UP. They were no longer willing to bow down to the Massa spell anymore. Black folks have a knack for creating worlds amongst the chaos and that’s exactly what the Afro Punk sub-culture did. It wasn’t just an outlet to let off steam, it was also a BIG fuck you to the systems that said Blackness was a monolith.

The reason I’m acknowledging the historical events surrounding the emergence of this subculture is because environment shapes fashion. I’ve realized I take a method acting approach to styling because I quite literally need to envision the why and put myself into the time period of when the style originated. This allows me to deeply connect with my stylistic choices by using it as means of cultural preservation. I now refuse to engage with something without tracing back the origins of how this thing came to be. I’m realizing that researching in this day in age is not just some hobby, it’s an ancestral lifeline to keep the memory alive. So many traditions die cause there’s no one taking the time to go back and get them on some Sankofa shit. As a messenger, I feel like it’s my duty to HOLD. THE. MF. LINE

(Yes I know that was a tangent but I really dgaf because this is my blog and I refuse to shorten my communication for reader convenience sorry not sorry. Check that attention span not me just saying. Also check the bio if you’re confused on what we do here, I’ll give a little hint starts with a Y ends with a P. Anywho back to the scheduled programming:)

~Etymology: The Language Origins

The etymology of the word “Punk” traces back to prostitutes and was documented as being used as early as the 17th century by Shakespeare. The word was generally associated with the “worthless” those who the world already shamed and shaped as not deserving. Those who were deemed as outliers or misfits simply because they diverged from the societal standard. To be a punk was to simply be a person of disinterest because your experiences were viewed as not worthy enough by society. When we deepen into the Afro identity of the Punk culture, we can see how Blackness intersected within this subset. We see how it was folded directly into the crevices of Black people’s skin because we know all too well what exclusion does to you. To be punk is already to be othered, but partnered with the racial bias of what it means to be a part of a marginalized community; you get a double dose of extreme exile.

~Style

Transferring this integrally into a stylistic perspective, I would consider how anti-conformism reshapes all the expectations of what’s traditionally considered fashionable especially within the context of Black style. I would implement the blending of gender roles and aim for style that showcases experimentation over expectations. Which would look like going against all of the “inherent” fashion rules that are generally applied because of respectability politics. Thus, moving towards more individualism and sovereignty in my stylistic choices, yet still taking communal inspiration from those around me. Choosing pieces that scream, “I DO ME & IDC IF YOU LIKE IT” is an essential part of the process. Wearing pieces that make me embody unapologetic & unwavering self acceptance that my uniqueness isn’t a flaw. By holding the principles of anti-conformity, I can DEFINE what style means to me, challenging the stale notion of dominant culture as King (it gives boring). A big part of this would be questioning the boxes I may put myself in stylistically. Playing around with styling things the “wrong” way and being innovative about placement is how we come to unlock fashion barriers. Having the mind of a scientist and seeing nothing as off limits or too weird. The core question here is: how can I reinvent this piece, garment, or attire to reflect the depth of my originality and the unique set of human experiences encoded within me? If everyone looked the exact same, I’m pretty sure our eyes would cease to exist. What do we need to see if everything is copy and paste??? As Betty Davis, Punk Rock Goddess, says in her song, “That’s why they say I’m strange” because when you are true to YOUR MF SELF that’s very suspicious in a world where duplication supersedes originality.

~Astrological Archetype

This sub-culture identity of Afro-Punk correlates to the alienation that the astrological sign Aquarius can so often face for simply being different. Aquarius is a fixed air sign and symbolically represented as the water bearer. It’s the only sign in the zodiac wheel where a human is engaging in earthly festivities and where the symbol is depicting an unrelated element, water. For this reason alone, it can have a very oddball quality to it and isn’t prone to “fitting in”— in fact Aquarius is actually allergic to hegemonic culture. The article, “Sista Grrrl: The Feminist Mother of Afro-Punk”, by Taiwo Adebowale undoubtedly proves how Black culture has always been involved in cooking and seasoning the Punk genre; it was just never acknowledged. Maya Mother Goddess states, “Afro-punk bands exist, but the term itself refers to the participation of black people in alternative scenes”(Adebowale, 2021)4. Being a part of a collective but not quite belonging are heart aches that Aquarius knows too well, similarly to those in the Afro-punk subculture. What both of them have in common is that their outsiders and because of that they see different perspectives that insiders wouldn’t.

As a water bearer, Aquarius sees things that the water cannot, it can detach enough from the water but still manage to carry it. It sees all the inner workings of ecosystems that survive and thrive of water; its nourishment is connected to the life force of a l l living entities. Which was a very roundabout way of saying, Aquarius knows how we will be our own biggest savior or downfall. It sees the systems attached to EVERY SINGLE ONE of us and knows when there is a drought in humanity everyone suffers from dehydration. Which was definitely the case for Riot Grrrl, “The white-majority that led Riot Grrrl muffled the voices of women of color, and as a result, many felt as though they were outcasts within the community”(Adebowale, 2021)⁴. When the community only serves those with privilege and a platform, it’s no longer a movement but a system mimicry— there’s nothing Aquarius hates more than a doppelganger.

Aquarius was born from the 11th house of group dynamics, community, and future wishes so they have a natural vision for the bigger picture and high radar for authenticity. In order for true authenticity to walk through the door acceptance has to already be invited in. That’s what I believe fundamentally led to the creation of the Afro-Punk subculture because more and more Black folks desperately desired a space where there were no parameters or policing on expression; a space where they could feel everything that caged them and decide to unabashedly break free. Matthew Morgan described the Afro-punk festivals as, “Creating a space where Black kids can free themselves enough to explore whatever they wanted — however they wanted to dress, however they wanted to dance, however they wanted to eat, however you wanted to express yourself…”(Borroughs, 2020)5. That’s the weirdly freeing nature of Aquarius; that freedom often strays from doing as told and follows what’s true. There is really nothing more groundbreaking than when Black people are able to L I V E and

I’m talking Trace Ellis Ross L I V E,

I’m talking about a lifetime full of stories that your grandchildren will hear L I V E.

I’m talking about making it to elder status L I V E.

I’m talking about putting the records on and feeling the rain on your beautiful brown skin L I V E.

I’m talking I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means L I V E

Cup always overflowing L I V E

Because we truly deserve a F U L L Y alive life

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When the community only serves those with privilege and a platform it’s no longer a movement but a system mimicry

****

Writer’s Note: This post is wayyyyy longer than I expected so instead of smashing all of my thoughts into one post, I’ll be concocting a part 2 with the style results too!!! Until then, let this post really simmer in your brain. Thank you for reading and I hope you know you’re really supporting my dreams of being a certified baddie with nerdy tendencies ;) Also if you read ALL THE WAY through you

DA R E A L E S T!

Sincerely El,

with much love & ferocity <333

****

Works Cited A.K.A We Credit Our Sources Round Here

Whenever you read this just know and feel that this is coming from an all loving and compassionate space. I am on your side because I am you, well not exactly this you but another version. I know you need to hear it from yourself before it can really seep in. So that’s where I come in and deliver the much needed kick in the ass, no pressure or anything but we all been waiting for you to step into your power and we’re meaning your spirit team. So they told me to commune with ya ass (yess we be cussing, where you think you got it from DF) here on earth for a lil minute to see what’s the hold up. They wanted me to make sure the veil was so thin you couldn’t doubt the signs. Now that i’ve been down here for awhile, watched the sunset, and watched ya life. It’s time we have a talk.

I think I have found the blockage, the reason why you haven’t grabbed your power. It’s a couple things but it all stems from one thing and that's Acceptance. Apparently “acceptance” is a buzzword over here and it seems like you are missing the honey my darling acceptance isn’t born out of force, it comes from flow. Your version of acceptance resembles the poisonous edges of resentment. Acceptance doesn’t equate to tolerance. The problem is you force your acceptance and forgiveness because sitting with the sharpness of the absence of these things is painfully aching. Your natural inclination is to numb and relieve it. But would you believe me if I said you’re strong enough to feel through it? Trust, there’s only so much pretending the heart can take and the mask is only becoming burdensome. What are you truly scared of? Is it the rejection? The discomfort? Being seen? Growth is only hard when you choose to resist it. Why are you resisting the pull, the tug, the calling of your intuition? It’s here to guide you, why don’t you call on it? What are you afraid it might tell you? When did you learn it’s not safe to trust yourself?

When your spirit speaks, listen

When you start losing the motivation, listen

When it’s time to shift gears. LISTEN!

You were endowed with so much wisdom in this life at a young age but that also comes with heavy responsibility. I know you love to learn and gain knowledge but intellectualizing the entirety of your human experience minimizes the whole point of being human. Which is to live fully not just in your mind, body, or spirit but all three mushed together. No amount of wisdom can bypass how you feel, you have to navigate those swampy waters of unprocessed emotions and let them consume you, so they can take on new life. Otherwise, those emotions will sit and become polluted FORGIVENESS. Let’s talk about it, cause one thing about it you know how to dress up your grudges but I’m your higher self so I know where your heart really stands. And Bitch it be standing in the outskirts on defense mode with a sign that says you’re not welcome here. Let’s take a moment of silence cause I know that I might've hit some sore spots?.…

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The gag is your mouth be speaking before your heart does that's why there’s confusion galore. When was the last time you listened with an open heart and a still mind? Try practicing being present and genuine in your interactions, especially with those you love. Speaking of which, when's the last time you weren’t annoyed by your family? The real question to ask is what’s so bothersome that it infiltrates your skin with irritation? In that answer is where the healing lies in facing the harsh truth. Although It’s appealing healing doesn’t live in the pixie dust or exist in the magic spells. It’s home is in integration and I feel like that’s something you may know but you dismiss. Integration is hard, hard, hard work but very very necessary because that’s what makes the human experience whimsical. You have the support to lean on even when you don’t feel supported by those around you. Who said you had to be it all? Because you won’t be. Because you can’t. Because you were never meant to.

Failure is inevitable but success is guaranteed when you trust your timing. I need you to know that you are destined for Great things and you deserve to live a life that’s truly YOUR’s. That smells of your unique energetic scent and signature.

Everything has been laid out for you to win, it’s merely a matter of choosing the divine’s plan.

You don’t need more advice, more opinions, more information, more noise. What you need is breath, seek its guidance. Stop with the fake shit, the masking, the performance. I see you and other people want to see you. So Don’t you dare dim yourself. Don't you realize your energy is as bright as the sun. Don’t you realize all this space was meant for you to fill, so don’t you dare sit in the corner.

T H E 🌞 S U N

Me to me:

I want you to read this and say “I love me” and mean it.

Say I LOVE ME and until it’s tattooed on your skin.

Say I LOVE ME and feel the words reverberate in your body, Say I love me and feel the tears roll off your tongue. Say I love me and know its an action, not an adjective.

Say I love me until the birds start singing in the trees, until the leaves whisper it through the thin air, until the moon is reflecting the truth back to you

Say it until you know it

Until you believe it

Until you BE it.

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What if I gave myself the room to know that this phase of my life might get too small for me? That I may have to step outside the comfortable yet painful jeans that have always been my fave but don’t hug my waist the same?

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What happens when your life just don’t fit you anymore like it used to?

When your day to day is giving you the runaround,

Do you do the deadly dance of pretending, that you

don’t mind squeezing yourself into familiar ways of being?

Do you waltz in the tightness of old jeans hoping the suffocation will go away?

Or does it take

a rip,

a tear,

a break,

a seamstress unraveling the thread of destiny?

My favorite pairs of clothes were always the hardest to let go because the fabrics became enmeshed into that version of me, nestled into an extension of my skin, separation felt more like extraction, a violent gnawing away at what was.

an absence of it felt like abandonment, a baby bird pushed out into the open sky before it knew its wings could fly

What more can you do when the resistance hurts just as much as letting go?

When staying is just as torturous as the fear of walking to the unknown

when the metals of jeans pinch into our bellies like they’re demanding more space,

We always know deep down what this means

But that knowing doesn't always prepare us for the experience, for the loss, for the shedding

So more often than not,

We cut a deal for comfort

One, because it’s cheaper

Two, because it’s convenient

The phrase Path of least Resistance comes to mind. In which ways am I participating in my own struggle? Does life really have to be hard or is hardship the only thing I’ve ever known so I make a home outta of it and call it my safety net? What if struggle was a portion not the whole damn part of the journey? Who said the path to God requires walking through hot hell when there’s an open door waiting for you to notice it? Maybe all it requires is a willing heart and open hand to be led.

In some humanistic way, i think we enjoy the pain of suffering

What comes with living with our own mess, so we don’t have to be a messiah

When we can simply wish for a savior, a god, some white thing to fall out of the sky

Anything really, that will deflect our own capabilities, that handicaps the powerhouse laying dormant within us. See the thing about suffering is that one can push all it’s blame on the pain, it lessens the weight

Makes the bitterness taste lighter than it really is

As long as we ask for sign after sign without the intent of aligned action, we’ll always be suffering not because we don’t know what to do but because what is required of us is more than we think we can do.

It’s a waiting game

For the right circumstances

The right idea

The right person

The right time

You wait long enough for the right anything and it will always feel void

Like it’s missing the essence of perfection, and well it is

The right thing does exist but oftentimes we have to experience going down the right turn that wasn’t right for us to find it. It’s like reading a book where the plot is anonymous and you have to travel directionless through a couple of whirlwind chapters until the plot reveals itself to you. Life is mysterious like that in a lot of ways

Sometimes you outgrow the four walls surrounding you

Sometimes you travel down roads that lead to nowhere

Sometimes you forget all that you are and all that you could be so you cling to who you were

Sometimes you write a piece thinking it’s going to be about one topic but the words form a world of their own (me rn😂)

Resistance isn’t an enemy, it’s a long lost friend

Who you lost contact with because you forgot the hidden art of reception

Of listening to that tug on your heart that tells you it's time to go

When there is no longer space for you to fit into these jeans

When the size of their joy cannot hold space for you anymore

You listen and realize resistance was never the enemy

It’s your fight against it.

sincerely,

El ❣️

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First things first I want to happily welcome all of the new readers who have somehow bumped into my wonderland. I’m honored to have you here witnessing pieces of my soul. Here take a sip of this ☕️ because ova here we like to get real warm, intimate, and poetic. Bring your tea, imagination, and spirit.

UPDATE: My blog scheduling will be shifting to a different frequency so I can put more of my energy into building up my Youtube. The quantity will be less but the quality will be BON APPETIT. This is mostly a journey of trial and error, so there will be a lot of experimentation.

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I recently just cut my hair and YALLLLLLLLLLLLL 

I feel like it’s a Good day to be a Bad Bitch. As I'm reflecting on it, this was something that past me would’ve never done on a whim because I always was too concerned about others' perception of me. I would’ve asked the whole neighborhood before I decided I was content with my choice. I struggled with feeling like my choice or decision to do or not do something was enough. I felt like I needed the background noise of 10 other people to solidify my decision and make me feel more confident about it.

That simply wasn’t true. I had been thinking about cutting my hair for a minute because I was tired of the stagnant energy and wanted to create change instead of waiting for it like I usually do. Before I cut my hair really low, I kinda played around with the different short styles, so even though I felt like I was going in blind I really wasn’t. 

Then, in October I went even shorter. Each time I decided to cut my hair or style it inna a different way, I was building up trust in my decision making process. And each time the need to have my decision verified by someone else lessened. I remember telling my friend that I wanted to do a Big Chop that same week I brought the dye and she helped me cut my hair. My mom thought I was playing, she was unsure about if I should do it or not. But this time I didn't let her differing opinion and uncertainty change my decision.  I was unwavering, this was what I wanted to do. 

I cut and dyed my hair into a short bob length back in April and I was very satisfied with the outcome. It was giving red wine, dark cranberry, savory energy. I’ll insert a picture below because ofc I’m not going to leave y'all hanging also cause I looked GOODTUH

This new hair color unlocked a hidden character, a part of me who was delightfully sensual, unapologetically charming, and Big n Bold. As my naturals know, washing your silk press out be like the end of an era. This silk press lasted for a month which is a world breaking record for me because I’ve NEVER had a silk press stay silky for THAT long. I was all happy that I was actually gettin my money’s worth for a style, meanwhile my natural hair was sucking her teeth like “mmmcht…wait till she see”. I’m in the shower dowsing my hair in water, why the fuck my curls feel nonexistent? I’m thinking in my head, “OH HELL NAH, I KNOW MY HAIR AIN’T GOT HEAT DAMAGE”. My suspicions were confirmed after jumping out the shower and hopping right to the mirror. There was a section that was so stubborn and barely reverted. So, as you can imagine I was reasonably upset. Here I am thinking everything bout to bounce back like heat aint never touched this head before. NO, my curls had more rebellious plans. I had gotten my hair dyed and silk pressed before by the same person and there was no damage, so i’m not really sure where shit went left.

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I don’t know if this was a sign that I needed to cut my hair, but I sure as hell read it as such. No one talks about how challenging maintenance can be when your textures are extremely different. One side of my head coily, the other partially curly mixed with some straightness in the front. Maintaining my hair was like mixing oil and water; it didn’t quite work. I actually wrote a hair piece in the summer titled, Your Mane Has Its Own Name and during this my hair was suffering from heat damage. I tried all the masks, the twists, the curling creams. No product could revive my curls fully. 

This is what I meant when I said Your mane has its own name, this unexpected change required me to learn the new conditions of my hair; it’s new name. I started washing more consistently and ensuring my hair was properly nourished. At first I was gonna go through the transitioning process and wait for my damage to grow out but I definitely underestimated the patience required for that journey and it felt somewhat counterproductive to the overall health of my hair considering it wasn’t doing well. So, if I were to keep it in this state for longer more damage could have occurred. The way my curls fell, it was like they too had given up. They looked lifeless, every time I would “define” them they would secretly beg to be free. 

Not just from my head, but from this attachment to eurocentric beauty manipulation 

So I freed them cause the weight of expectations isn’t mine to bear 

It just reflected back to me how damaging it can be to stay in places, positions, or phases of life that are undernourished. Dead ends ask you to cut off what’s not growing, they’re giving us permission to turn around and pivot. I’ve been redefining my relationship to my crown for a minute and this cut gave me clarity. 

As a Black Woman, we’ve always been shown how we’re perceived based on our hair. Somehow what’s on top of our head becomes what’s in everyone's mouths, a chew toy

Cutting off my hair is cutting off people’s access to my crown, not everyone deserves to see royalty. 

It’s cutting ties to old identities

It’s severing relationships to people who take and never don’t have the capability to give what you need

It’s releasing the destructive habits

It’s freeing you mind, body, and soul

It’s an emergence from the cocoon

I cut my hair because I don’t have to carry the entire fucking world on my head

Once the cut happened, I noticed vibrationally and energetically there was a separation within detaching me from past blockages. My curls are budding with vitality, eager to see the world, and have a newfound taste for growth. 

Yes it may be less hair, but it’s more of me. 

I want you to take one small tiny decision today that will bring you one step closer to your highest potential. It doesn’t have to be hard, make it extremely easy because believe it or not your higher self is one decision, one action, one habit away. 

Happy Alchemizing, sending passion and potions 🧪

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Actually, I want to give the Grinch it’s main character moment because everyone swore he was this malefic character who stole the joviality of Christmas. In my opinion, I believe he was just very misunderstood. People attributed his '“Grinchyness” as a part of his personality when in reality it was a byproduct of his environment. Looking back I think the Grinch’s story can serve as a potent lesson. Telling people they need to be “happy” or “smiling” completely erases the validity of their personhood. Just because someone isn’t behaving in a way you find tolerable doesn’t mean it’s worthy of being dismissed. What I’m noticing is that a lot of people just want you to see their humility without feeling like it’ll be executed. Alright, back to the main storyline, that was a worthwhile side tangent to explore tho.

But I know the truth of the matter is in these pages full of scribbles and sits with ink on paper, revisiting my why time and time again. So, of course those who do not have the patience to read the tone, the room, the aroma, will box me in.

In my own right, I embrace a version of the Grinch on Christmas day not in a hater like way more so in a I don’t see the hype way anymore. I wake up thinking it’s just another day. Another chance to get it right this time as Lauryn Hill sang. Another breath to breathe and step to take. The days of setting up a Christmas tree, sharing nostalgic waves of memories over family totems, and hearing “remember when?” are fossilized into the past. The excitement that would riddle my whole body with eagerness as soon I spotted the sun on Christmas morning has dissipated. I’m not sure if this is from a natural symptom of growing up or residue from growing apart. Where I’m from snow on Christmas day is a rare occurrence, but as young girl I still held the hope of maybe close to my heart. I imagine my love for Christmas dwindling down like my high hopes for snow vanishing in the dryness of tense winter air. It’s the point where you begin peeking behind the mask and find out that Santa Claus is really your mom. Honestly, I got to a certain age where Christmas felt like a disappointment and not because we didn’t have it like that but because it strained on what we really did have. I remember my mom being depressed because she was struggling financially and couldn’t provide us gifts. Our Christmas became short, strife, and stark. And it was all based on MONEY, can you believe the small but impactful ways that capitalism rears its ugly head?

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The problem was that I felt Christmas reinforced what we didn’t have or couldn’t do. It was a day where lack lingered over my family like a humongous rain cloud ready to soak up any gifts of abundance that persisted. Non-existent is what Christmas feels like for me nowadays. An annoying ghost from the past reminding me that I’m still haunted by lack. I’m still haunted by my own silly expectations that family = belonging. Even though my case has been proved inaccurate, the maybes don’t go away especially when It’s something you deeply desire. The inner child in me desperately clings onto the spiral folds in a faded photo album or the smell of half-way burnt gingerbread cookies that overstayed their welcome in a toasty oven. The flashbacks to my younger years, show me that I never really cared for Christmas Itself. It was the warmth of celebration and connection that I was head over heels for. I was just happy to be there with people I love. To relish in their bellies full of joy and live inside their smiles. For awhile, I was inspired to be the inner light. Remind my family why we’re family. I kept the light on for a family who took too long to notice the torch was burning. This house didn’t feel like a home, it was a shared living space with blood that boiled into water. At its core Christmas is stitched together by seeds of humanity. However, knowing this doesn’t dismiss the feelings of lack surrounding it.

There was this one Christmas in particular where we decided to invest in a tree after being without one for some time. This reignited my love for the Holiday season, I thought “finally, we’re getting back into Tradition!” Imagine the heartbreak I felt when no one wanted to help me set up and decorate the it. The weight of upholding the tradition was unknowingly placed on me. But what was the point of gathering if no one wants to actually be there? The fall from a fairytale is always soul crushing. That’s the tricky part about illusion it often evades you. You don’t notice it, till its not there. Often what lies on the other side of nostalgic waves is sharp pain. In the sea of my memories was a drought feeling that Christmas day was the only day we could act as a family, put on a game of charades, and pretend the disconnect wasn’t real leave the hollowness for tomorrow. And if I was lucky we could play this game until the end of the year. I loved imagining the potential and possibilities. I was high off this idolized verizon of my family that I never could keep ahold of. It was the only day where I felt I belonged. As if the past disappointments weren’t so bad after all. It was a day where we could all play pretend and it felt real. As the familiar saying goes, “fake it till you make it”. Except they forgot to explain what happens when you don’t make it. Do you keep faking?

Maybe the Grinch didn’t steal Christmas, maybe he just took off the rose colored glasses and decided not to buy into the act of masking. Ignorance can really be bliss because when you’re left out in the cold, seeing feels more like a blister. A reason to freeze, to harden, to become unmoved by life.

So Christmas is a time for thawing out my heart’s walls.

Note of Transparency: I’ve been debating over if I should post this piece because I know right now is an emotionally reactive and chaotic time. I was talking to my friend over the phone about it and gained clarity on my thought process and what I was feeling. I thought about keeping these thoughts to myself because I didn’t wanna open a potentially volatile can of worms. But that honestly just felt like suppression and something in my spirit just said, HELL NAH! I have to live with the decisions I do or don’t make. Maybe I’m not meant to be palatable and I’m learning that’s okay. My decision is merely a result of a decision I made with myself: I will no longer silence myself for the approval of others. This has taken a lot of courage to accept that I might be slandered but still do it anyway. We ain’t all supposed to think the same things or share the same beliefs. Every single one of us has a unique genetic makeup, so why tf we tryna be the same?! We all carry something with us that’s going to color our perception, no one is coming empty-handed. 

So the tea is…..☕️

No, I’m not voting and before you click off 

I challenge you to genuinely read with an compassionate lens and interest in my perspective

Why would I do such a thing you ask, here’s my reasons:

1. Why is he even here? 😃

If I were to go inside a Walmart and decide to steal bags of groceries. I would go to jail, become a convicted felon, AND have my voting rights revoked. Why is it any different for a president? The fact that he’s even an OPTION boils my blood. The fact that he’s even ALLOWED to run for presidency again as a convicted felon tells me all I need to know about politics and this system. WTF happened to checks and balances?! There are people who go to jail for the smallest crimes and serve DECADES in that dehumanizing ass system. Meanwhile, this nigga is able to roam freely and basically be above the law because he’s an older white man with money and status. That’s it. Instead of asking Why I didn’t vote, you should ask yourself why tf is he even here??? That right there shows me what AmericKKKa is built on and why would I participate in that? In something that supports me suppression? They’re not even hiding wtf they stand for, it’s staring us right in the face as we willingly look away.

2. Distraction from Destruction 🧨

With all the corruption we are witnessing in these political spaces, it feels counterproductive and distracting to put my energy into a system that keeps letting us down. Keeps making us aware of how we aren’t considered. I’d rather put my energy into something I actually trust. I find it very ironic how Election season is during Scorpio SZN, where there’s shit happening behind closed doors that we cannot see.

The dark is a perfect breeding ground for chaos, all you have to do is plant the seed and it spreads like a wildfire. The definition of collective insanity is putting these politicians on a pedestal and being disappointed every time they fall off. There is a reason Pluto is in Capricorn and it’s at its last degree, I kid you not Pluto is LEAVING Capricorn this month aka Election month. Shit is really starting to add up. It’s last straw energy and these structures are on their last mf leg tryna make that shit stretch. People are really starting to open their eyes to the Bullshit, at this point I don't even feel like people are opening their eyes. I just feel like the BS cannot be ignored. Me not voting has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with SEEING shit for exactly what is it: A DISTRACTION

3. Lesser of Two Evils 😈

I remember when Biden got elected as President and everyone was relieved because at least it wasn’t Trump. Like yea he may not be the best candidate but he’s better than Trump. I remember thinking in my head that’s kinda fucked up. We choose our presidents based on who is less likely to do us wrong, it’s giving serious trust issues. That way of operating limits and inhibits our ability to see both options clearly. Choosing something because we don’t wanna choose another thing isn’t a centered way to make a decision. I feel like the powers that be know that when fear plus lack enter the equation you get DESPERATION, knowing you’re more likely to settle and choose anything because that’s better than nothing. It’s an attempt to pressure us into conforming because we seemingly have no other choice. 

4. Conquer and divide ⛔️

Leave The World Behind was onto something. Yall better start taking these “fiction” movies real seriously. That movie had some serious messages, might have to rewatch.

I’ve noticed that society gets even more divisive during Election season, do yall notice that? People start going to extremes and it’s this mob mentality that pops up. If you don’t agree with the general consensus, your head might as well be burnt at the stake. All of a sudden it’s real clichey and sticky in dis bitch. You’re either with me or against me mindset. There’s no nuance or gray area. Just a line and you either cross it or don’t. This is going to be a continued theme especially with Pluto going into Aquarius, mob mentality is going to be rampant in these streets. Not to mention, Jupiter will be still in Gemini, the echo chambers will be very loud. They're dependent on us being divided and overstuffed with information, so we approach everything from a disconnected lens. 

Less Structured and More Personal Reason 

I remember watching this movie about witches, where they would have to hide in order to avoid being persecuted for being a witch or performing magic. If anyone was associated with or even assumed to be a witch, the consequence was death. The risk of being one’s self was deadly and dangerous. Hiding one’s self was a coping mechanism developed to maintain survival. This honestly takes me back to slavery, where our ancestors had to endure dehumanization just to survive. It wasn’t a choice. Not doing what was asked of you resulted in death or worse the death of a loved one. Even though that was generations ago, the wound gets passed through the bloodline and is felt on a C E L L U L A R level.

So it becomes ingrained in your skin, an irrational but very real fear. A lot of Black people have Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome enmeshed into their bones and don’t even realize it.

Niggas is walking around fearing their freedom, 

Fearing their power, 

Fearing leaving the control of the white Massa.

About a month or 2 ago some people asked me if I was going to vote and at that time I felt the compulsive need to automatically say yes because it felt like the expected answer. “No, I’m not voting” felt like an act of disobedience towards a culture of conformity. 

My ancestors didn’t fight for the right to vote, they fought for their voice. I’ve been in group dynamics where I agreed with shit outta fear of being exiled. I have Chiron in Aquarius so best believe me and exclusion onna first name basis. I’ve definitely felt my fair share of misunderstandings and awkwardness. I was the girl in school who DREADED lunchtime because it reminded me how much I didn’t fit in or would try to. This whole voting thing made me realize just how deep that need to be accepted is that I'm willing to do things that don’t align with me or filter myself cause I don’t wanna get canceled.

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The ugly truth is that avoiding attacks doesn’t dispel the battle. Me changing my style, thoughts, mannerism, and behaviors to mimic the people around me was a coping mechanism to avoid the persecution spotlight.

The only reason I can confidently express myself now is because I went through a period of isolation during Covid. It was different because I had more time to myself and was alone more often than not.I didn’t have to perform or fake the funk. It was like if we gonna be here, might as well figure out who we are. This is the year I discovered my insides and cracked open my love for self exploration through journaling. I had a whole world inside of me that I just neglected! Y’all I kid you not that year set the foundation for what I’m creating now. Over these four years, I've been reconstructing and relearning my core. 

I am well aware that others may disagree but for me this is a crash course in the importance of conflict. I don’t have to abandon myself in order to make others feel more comfortable. Discomfort is a prerequisite to growth. True engagement can only be had when you’re able to see the human you’re engaging with, not their viewpoint. This isn’t necessarily about being pro this or anti this more so about accepting and honoring the why behind my decision. 

In the November’s Writer Circle, we listened to a meditation on acceptance and it was heart opening to own what is as it is with no desire to change it. (Big Thanks to Jacquie, Alex B, and Yanique for holding that space) I’m noticing that the in-between can be just as satisfying as the binary. In trying to hold space for the part of me that says “careful don’t get burned” and the other part of me that says “don’t worry we’ll rise from the ashes”, I go in between these modes of insecurity. I’m not writing this to judge or disprove anyone who has a differing opinion. I’m writing this as a promise to my inner child, a letter of acceptance, and a testament of my ancestral resilience That I will not abandon ship when it’s time to sail or put the boxing gloves down when it’s time to fight

You are witnessing me heal in real time as I actively resist the urge to let this piece sit in my google drive or push through the multiple attempts to sabotage. 

My voice is an antidote for me. 

From writing blog pieces to poems, this is how I lick my wounds and break generational curses. Being bold enough to share my thoughts honestly is a form of civic participation. By encouraging others to think for themselves and embrace their individuality, I see that as me contributing to the wellbeing of my community because if we can’t get really fucking real with ourselves how can we expect to change the world? 

Thank you for reading, muahhh💋

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Which sounds cool right?

Who doesn’t want all of those things? To thrive and live their best life? 

The problem is 

when the words only sound good in theory and not in practice. 

Many adults I know including myself struggle with this 

{Sidenote: I’m 19 and I actually still feel like a teenager, maybe I’ll feel like I’m actually adulting in my 20s. Let me know when do yall think Adulthood begins}

I find it interesting how we’re so pressured at the age 18 to make these major life changing decisions before we can settle into the waves of adulthood. Let’s think about this real quick 

They condition us from a young age through the schooling system that is based on performance and achievements. 

We become stripped of our inherent worth and tie it into everything outside of us. 

Then, we become entangled.

Pulled so far away from our core. 

That by the time we’re “adults”, Our decisions aren’t ours to choose. 

They’re chosen for us. 

The shiny and taunting idea of living a glorious life is the most appealing to those that feel imprisoned

Even though I'm new to this adulting program. I have gathered my own observations about the difference between the glorified version of adulthood and its mushy reality. 

In my own definition, I'd define the Functioning Adult in this American society as being a mastermind at living a double life. Perfecting the act of saving face and knowing how to keep up appearances. Knowing how to patch up relationships with resentment. 

We all know or have been someone who has fallen victim to these societal structures

And have let them harness power over us, determining how we feel about ourselves 

A good example of this is the primary education system and how it rewards obedience and punishes children for “acting out”. It’s no surprise that primarily Black schools are seen as problematic. I can’t talk about the educational system’s flaws without mentioning its inherent racism and bias.

Imagine being a kid and being told 

You have to: 

think like this, 

read like this, 

write like this, or 

speak like this

Because who you are isn’t accepted and in order to excel you have to shapeshift into white ideals 

 and if you question the history books or curriculum, you’re outed for speaking the truth because denial is silent

This is where the distrust begins

And the self-betrayal slowly follows

It’s the normalization of this behavior that creates generations of adults whose inner monologue is a gun constantly pointed at their head

A lot of adulting feels like masking or concealing, I kind of talk about this in my Moon Diaries I

Holding too much shit in can be suffocating and I genuinely feel like adults be emotionally bloated. I’ve noticed that children are the complete opposite and as an adult you can resent them for embracing your limitations or restrictions. Like how tf can they just burst out tears and I’m over here haven’t cried in months?? There is no gap between when they feel it and when they express it. That becomes even more important as a parent to make sure you’re not projecting onto your children. They are uninhibited and, while that can be a problem, for adults who are overly restrictive that can be so freeing to go back to your natural instincts

And realize we were never meant to really give too many fucks

Society taught us that we should be overly concerned, that was never our instinct

Children don’t care how they’re perceived until an Adult tells them they need to. 

In my hair story, I mentioned how an adult basically embarrassed me in front of other children. From that moment onward I became more cognizant of if my hair looked “right”

Often the rules and boundaries enforced to children like be quiet or don’t cry

Aren’t set in place to keep them “safe”,  They're set in place to keep us safe from healing the potential wounds that they might reopen 

After watching my nephew for a couple days, I just have immense gratitude for the parents that nurture and raise a child in this life because it's no easy feat

I don’t know if y'all ever sat, observed and just immersed yourself in a child’s presence (if not you truly should it’s a beautiful experience) but children have something to teach us 

The way they furl in the sun or tumble in grass with a smile or laugh without reason 

The way they roam with curiosity and explore everything like it’s the newest greatest invention of all time

It all means something. 

They’re the most unfazed and untethered to societal restraints 

They see the chains as money bars 

Something to climb or grab onto 

Something to be played with

My nephews finds new ways to turn ordinary household items into magical toys

I watch as he runs through the house with a half-bitten apple in one hand and pure imagination in the other. For him, every day is alive so the possibilities are endless. 

From a young age we’re subconsciously being whipped into shape to become a 

“Functioning Adult” with real goals, a real job, and a real purpose 

There’s a highlighted emphasis on reality, and don’t get me wrong having your head in the clouds can also be problematic, 

But the common factor between people who are too attached to reality or too detached from it

Is a lack of fulfillment with life. I struggled with the latter and always felt like I had these big dreams that didn’t have anywhere to go. I had to sit with all these unfulfilled wishes boiling up inside of me that were eager to be released. It was truly emotionally nauseating and felt like tryna hold in your burps all the time. I gained so much weight during that time of my life because I was holding on to my baggage. 

The adults around me were the opposite, in the sense that they dropped their dreams because they felt it was deadweight or they didn’t have the strength to carry it. I remember my mom telling me that she used to write poetry and I was truly shocked because I never saw her write.  She stopped because life got heavy and she became a parent, so writing a poem was the last thing on her to-do list. When I hear my mother’s story, I see how the pressure to conform grabbed her at a young age and kinda changed the trajectory of her life. In a lot of ways, I’m here as her child to show her what’s possible when you believe. It’s almost like I’m here to pick the torch up where she placed it down. 

We are so trained to essentially leave our inner child behind 

“Grow Up” 

“You’re being childish” 

“Life doesn’t work that way” 

“Life won’t coddle you” 

When we imagined growing up as a kid, We imagined being able to have the freedom to 

CREATE the life we imagined, have the POWER to put our dreams into action

Why isn’t our inner child a part of life decisions, shouldn’t they get a say?

Adulthood is intrinsically tied into childhood

Society likes to make us think they’re different 

Because when you’re disconnected from your essence you move with the herd, you don’t act with the same amount of integrity. 

Your childhood reflects your core 

And Your adulthood should be about building the container to support that

The most nourishing adults I ever met were the ones that held space for me. Which just leads me to think that the true definition of Adulthood is being able to hold space for play, love, and laughter. The things that truly elevate your core. 

It’s our responsibility, as we grow to care for ourselves in a way that only we know how to do. The more I affirm this, the more comfortable I feel stepping into adulthood because I know I’m not abandoning myself in the process. 

Life may be a bitch

But I’m it’s owner 

And I refuse to let my childlike wonder be dried up or boiled into conformity

There’s a reason we come into this life head first and insanely connected to spirit

~Sincerely El

Astro Note:

Saturn is tied to adulthood and represents its shadow aspects, We’re taught to climb the ladder, overwork and undernourish ourselves. Saturn is deprivation. In adulthood we tend to dry up our imagination to focus on the responsibilities. Saturnian’s can work their ass off but not know what they’re working so hard for. When I think of Saturn, I think of Bones in the skin and how if we didn’t have this flesh, our bones wouldn't be cared for. When life is hard, you need a soft place to rest.

Songs Replaying in my Head 🎵

Nissan Altima Doechii

How ya feel SWSH

Current Read 📖:

Untrap Da Hood by Jacquie Verbal

Current Obsession:

Getting Hella Fly for no reason 👗

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Prelude 💓

The idea of digital galleries came to me when I thought about my different gifts and passions outside of writing. I didn’t want to get trapped in the pattern of ONLY publishing work that I think others would like from me. I genuinely want my substack to be so much more than a blog, I want it to be a space that can hold every piece of me. 

Every thought

Every expression 

Every emotion.  

There’s a reason why my Substack tagline says 

“These are the shades of a hueman, a tint of existence” 

I want my substack to grow with me and that requires me to be real vulnerable with what I share

Something I’m learning is that hiding or masking things stunts your growth because shit cannot grow in the dark. I don’t wanna hide who I truly am or what I actually wanna post 

I want to look at my substack and have a deep sigh of relief because I know I shared what was on my spirit in the best way I knew how. 

Digital Galleries was born out of wanting to celebrate my artistry and multi-factedness. Writers do so much more than just write. They document, heal, see, and express. And isn’t that what art is, a documentation of life? So, this is my process of expressing and allowing it to be seen by those with open hearts. 

Interlude 🩶

This digital gallery is going to be centered around a photographic series I created during Black History Month to honor my blackness, my lineage, and my story as divine. So often there’s this hierarchy and social construct where darkness is associated with all things bad, evil, and demonic. Whereas Light is considered to be representations of god and goodness. But wasn’t Lucifer a fallen Angel? I’m so tired of my blackness being attributed to trauma, death, and grief. Nothing is ever just one thing, it’s often multiple things merged into one. Black people have love, joy, community, faith, and the list goes on. We aren’t a reflection of the systems that have institutionalized us. We are evidence that these systems are flawed and broken because why can’t they hold space for us?

And when it comes to dark, melanated skin, our story has been villainized for way too long. Our history is not colored by our struggles, that is only a shade of it. Our bloodline is rich in color and it’s our birthright to live bright asf. Hear me when I say that everything that’s created has come from a black person void of darkness. Our skin is a direct reflection of the creator. Black is divine because it’s where the light shines. 

BLACK IS DIVINE 🖤

WAIT…Before You enter the Gallery,

Here’s your Gallery Essentials for THE BEST viewing experience:

🎧 Holy By Jamila Woods

🎧 Wonderful God by Montell Fish

🎧 The King's Affirmation by Iniko

✍🏾 What does honoring yourself as divinity look like?

✍🏾 How can you reclaim your Blackness as sacred?

‼️ ‼️ ALL Photos are my own and I own copyrights ‼️ ‼️

💌Before You Go, Remember to:

💅🏾Be Black ASF

🖼️Be Creative ASF

🪄Be Magical ASF

🪽Be Divine ASF

🌳Be Grounded ASF

🗣️Be Loud ASF

🛌Be Lazy ASF

❣️Be Loving ASF

🏎️Be Authentic ASF

🧘🏽‍♀️Be Tapped in ASF

🦋Be Soulful ASF

🦚Be radical ASF

No exceptions ‼️ Now go and Be You ASF ⭐️

Sincerely El :)

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In astrology, the moon is the most private, deep, and personal part of a person's chart. It’s there insides so to speak. This series is about revealing those vulnerable pieces of me one layer at a time. Learning how to be more comfortable with holding uncomfortable emotions and embracing the rawness of my personal experience. 

Get in loser, we’re getting vulnerable. 

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When the Truth is Naked, Do You Expose Yourself? 

When I was younger, I had the biggest imagination

You know how people have imaginary friends, I had imaginary worlds that I coexisted in 

I was always here but never really there, It was like living a double life where I simultaneously relished in multiple universes, at least that’s how it felt 

I remember playing a pretend teacher and creating assignments for the pretend students. Then, I would switch to playing the role of the student and complete the assignment. Switching between realities roles became 2nd nature. 

In my world, I could be anything

I could be two things at once

Here AND there 

This AND that 

Juxtaposition AND simile

I didn’t have to adhere to anything because everything was formless

But that made it hard to stick

And when things don’t stick, they fall

I could dream of a shoe but that didn’t mean it would become my carriage

I could dream of my dad, but that doesn't mean he was a father 

There were no barriers, If I dreamt it 

But idealizations without realizations, were quick disappointments

My mom says, I was reading books before I learnt what words meant

I was an avid reader and always had my eyes glued to pages. 

Truth be told that’s actually the reason why I have glasses because the darkness wasn’t going to hinder my reading session

I was always discovering 

Some world with some new characters.

Reading offered me a way out, an exit

More gas to fuel my daydreams

More time to escape play

More space to bend

I became an escapist, rummaging through the walls of my imagination looking for hidden doors and secret locks. 🔒

I needed more places to hide discover. 

Rabbit hole after Rabbit hole 

Wonderland after Wonderland

Still, looking through the glass of illusion 

Everything foggy and disoriented 

What’s an object and what’s shining like an object? 

It became hard to see my core apart from people’s reflections

I'm grieving the childhood I was never really there for. Only managing to see specks and flickers, my sight is blind. Occasionally I’ll get the recurring patches of memory cloaked by blurriness, but they’re clear enough for me to grab onto some emotion. My father was absent and I suppose pieces of me left when he did. It’s a constant process of remembering who I am, not who I should be.

I think it’s funny how the brain is the most active part of the body, but also the most at risk. It’s the first to throw in the towel and “protect” you from yourself or gaslight you from your intuition.  It’s the first character to jump ship, if you’re body is going down

And also the first to teach me the game of Cognitive Dissonance, So that I could play these roles more seamlessly. I thought it was perfect, separating the mind from the body. But because my mind was isolated, it started to become overbearing. Making all the decisions, saying one thing meaning another 

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So I started leaving my body to escape my mind 

That looked like: 

Excessive Daydream 

Unaware of my own feelings 

Fearful Fantization 

Overstimulation

(For my Astro Lovers, this is the point where I confirm your suspicions, yes I have a Pisces Gemini square)

The Problem with memory glitches is:

How can I recall an experience I was mostly disconnected from?

How do I retell a story that has chapters ripped out? 

That’s when my mind fills in the gaps and leaves a lot of open space for confusion to roam, Probably why I fell in luv with poetry because I’m attracted to gray spaces

An escapist is just a person who managed to survive a nightmare 

by creating a haven, Because sometimes the truth is more bloody 

More hell than heaven 

More raw than cooked

It requires me to strip, take off my pride 

My layers of coping mechanisms, my rose-colored glasses

And be Naked

Show skin. Show my wounds peeling

Show fear stretched all over my body

Pondering: What’s a truth you try to escape from?

The Magic in truth is that it requires me to stand and reminds me that If I run 

I lose my wand 🪄

Sincerely, 

EL ❣️

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Pour into me financially 💵 (never expected, always appreciated)

Cashapp

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About the series:

In astrology, the moon is the most private, deep, and personal part of a person's chart. 

It’s there insides so to speak. 

This series is about revealing those vulnerable pieces of me one layer at a time. My intention with this series is learning how to be more comfortable with holding uncomfortable emotions and embracing the rawness of vulnerability. 

Get in loser, we’re going back to where it all began. 

H O M E 🏡

Public displays of emotions weren’t on the menu for me as a kid. Particularly the not so easily digestible ones. Think the beets or brussels sprouts of emotion, they’re healthy for you but no one ever really wants to express eat them 

So I just avoided them in the worst ways possible 

Sinking myself into an emotional deficit

Tryna lose “unnecessary” water weight

This was how I hide expressed my feelings

By putting up a front 

By pretending

By never letting em see my insides 

Maybe that’s why I never knew how full my heart was 

Because I was always concealing it

Playing dress up except everyday was an act 

A reason to stay in character. 🕴🏽

My aunt says I’m the shining light of the family

But I guess she doesn’t realize, 

In order for a star to shine, it has to be surrounded by darkness

I never cried in public, but I could always taste the pool of tears 

Leaking from my eyes

That pool of tears became the breeding grounds for all types of viruses to submerge; 

Resentment and repression were the most contaminating

Because it’s hard to control emotions you rejected.

I didn’t know how to emote 

How to be in the ocean, fully

I was always standing at the shore 

Half-way in. Half-way out

Somewhat Wet. Somewhat dry. 

Too scared to really go any deeper

I remember the first time I almost drowned

I teetered back and forth over the tide as the river devoured my uncertainty

And swallowed me underwater in one gulp

I tasted the saltiness, in my resistance 

And felt fear fill up my lungs

In this moment, all I could do was hold my breath¹

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If this experience taught me anything 

It was 

1.  I need to learn how to swim ASAP

2. Water is MANYYY things, Still isn’t one of them 

It’s always moving, flowing, streaming, draining, washing, pouring 

So ofc when you try to hold it against its will,

floods can easily appear

Learning how to swim and how to feel are one in the same 

They both require a life jacket, something to keep you afloat. 

They both require you to become fluid²

For this reason I’ve never been a fan of either 

I’ve always wanted to know what’s ahead of me so I can prepare 

See the waves, so I could jump out beforehand 

I never wanted to be completely consumed by the em(o)cean, 

It felt reckless to dive headfirst without any precaution

Because what if I don’t come back up? 

I’ve seen what going to the deep end³ did to my dad 

and let’s just say, I don’t want that kind of torture 

Of being trapped in an abyss of my darkness

Replaying the same pain 

Over 

And over 

Again 

But still⁴ 

I wanna learn how to swim because 

Maybe It’ll teach me that battles can’t be fought upstream 

Maybe it’ll give me a reason to put my blade down and stop cutting my own heart

(I mean what good is a love that’s been chopped into pieces anyway?) 

Maybe it’ll make me see that I was never meant to be loved in digestible portions  

Maybe it’ll show me that being strong and keepin on, has its own bloody hands 

1

This is a journal entry I wrote while in the midst of letting anger and despair in. Letting them do a complete 360, fuck up my house, and ransack my pantry. While I watched and observed them yearning for the day I'd finally let them free. 

7/14/24

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I’m so damn tired of acting “normal”.

What in the living fuck even is normal?!? Some box we made up to punish outliers to cast out those who were different?

In my world, to be normal is to pretend not to have a panic attack after I find out that there’s NO houses for us to move into AND we have to move

WTF am I supposed to do with that??

How am I supposed to respond to the news that I might be homeless, potentially striped of everything?

Well that answer is easy, Im supposed to act normal 

After my landlord sends us a letter detailing that he won’t be renewing our lease. Don’t cry, figure out a plan- Act normal

After my mom tells me she’s getting garnished and her checks are gonna be lower than usual. Don’t freak out, breathe- Act normal 

After being hopeful in a hopeless situation. Don’t scream, hold it together in

I’m all good. 

I’m all fine.

I’m normal.

Need Your Support

Yesterday, a man came to my house and told me a biblical story. In this story, Jesus and his disciples are in a small boat when a whirlwind of waves comes crashing down. The disciples are freaking out “What do we do?”, “Are we gonna die?”. Meanwhile, Jesus is sleeping in the back of the boat, the disciples go to wake him terrified of the what could happen and you know what, this man, Jesus does? 

He stands up and says to the waves “Be quiet” (as if capitalism would make it that easy). The waves obey and they settle. Then he turns to the disciples (this is the important part) and says y'all some cowards. Now, while I don't think you can wish your problems away as Jesus did. 

I do think there's some wisdom in the way Jesus approached the situation. He addressed the waves, acknowledged the fact that there was a problem, and tackled it head-on. He didn’t pretend to act normal as if the storm wasn’t threatening their livelihood. He went through the problem, not around, over, or under it. 

So when he referred to the disciples as being cowards, I took that as if we wanna continue to believe in the lies of normalcy. Then we I am in fact a coward who refuses to acknowledge my own fears for the sake of comfort. 

The heartsucking truth is there is no going “back to normal” because things were NEVER fucking normal

We were just so used to ignoring and pretending like they were, it was a mask filled with insidious coping mechanisms that became the foundation of living- Masking the ugly until 2020 blew the lid off that shit

And we all saw just how gruesome and grimmy things truly were

Collectively, we could no longer escape the chaos in society as it became increasingly 

LOUD and UNAVOIDABLE

We had no other choice but to look the darkness of society dead in the eye  👁️👁️

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❌List of things that aren’t normal and never will be: 

1. The price tag on our existence 

2. Working until the meat falls off your bones

3. Playing where's waldo in grocery stores to find the food that’s not a lab experiment

4. The few having power over the many 

5. The remnants of war 

6. Tryna keep my head on straight, but depression is right misery loves company

7. The fact that I could keep going is a thing in itself

Normalcy feels like trying to piece broken glass back together with glue

it'll never work. 

Life nowadays is an ongoing call for help except, 

the line keeps ringing, 

You don’t know if someone will answer

Pick up on the cracks in ur tone

Or decide to send you to voicemail 

It’s not normal 

The separation. 🔪 Isolation. 🧍🏾‍♀️ Wondering if Go(o)d exists. 👣

It’s all a shallow sigh of distraction to keep my godawful screams at bay

I’m starting to think normal is a term 

People use to protect their own sanity 

Because well quite frankly

it's easier to live a comfortable lie

Sincerely,

Sorry I can’t pretend anymore

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