Wala pang namamatay pero una na akong namatay tuwing napapansin kong tumatanda na ang mahal ko sa buhay.

Noong bata ako, sila ang mukhang hindi namamatay kasi bahagi sila sa lahat ng nangyayari sa aking buhay.

Sa bawat sulok, sila ang aking nakikita.

Pag uuwi sa bahay, laging may nag - aantay.

Pag gutom, may nagluluto at nagsasandok ng aking paboritong ulam.

Matunog ang aking pagtulog dahil alam kong gigising ako katabi sila bukas.

Payapa ang lahat kung di ko lang kailangan umutang ng panahon para mabigyan ko sila ng magandang bukas.

Ngunit..

Ang oras ay taksil.

Ako ang nangutang ngunit ang sinisingil ay sila — mga mahal ko sa buhay.

Sabi ko, “Saglit lang.”

Habang pinipilit kong aralin lahat, sila pala unti unti nang nababawasan ang mga ala-ala sa akin.

Habang ako kumakain ng fried chicken, sila pala nanghihinayang kasi wala ako para ubusin ang niluto nilang ulam.

Habang nagbabago rin sukat ng taas at laki ko, sila rin nagbabalat ng ibang pisikal na anyo.

Habang nasa ibang pook ako, sila nananatili pa rin naghihintay sa silid kung saan ko sila iniwan sandali.

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Ang oras ay bastos. Walang pahintulot.

Sinisingil nila ako sa paraan ng pagtakot.

Sa mga oras na nakikita ko naka nuot na ang kanilang noo.

Sa mga pagkakataon na di na nila kayang sabayan ang bilis ng lakad ko dahil sa iniinda nilang sakit sa tuhod.

Sa mga ilan beses na kailangan ako na yung dumampot kasi di na kaya ng kanilang likod.

Sa mga ilan beses na pinapasuyo nila sa akin kulayan ng itim ang kanilang buhok.

Sa mga oras na sa akin na nila pinapalusot ang sinulid sa karayom.

Sa mga oras na napuna ko mas mahaba na ang reseta kesa sa listahan ng bibilhin sa tindahan ni Aling Nena.

Ang oras ay ginawa akong atat.

“Gusto ko nang pumaldo sa buhay” — taimtim ko yan sinasabi sa aking sarili ngunit madalas sigaw ng pagmamaka awa ko sa panahon.

Gusto kong pumaldo sa buhay dahil ano pa saysay nang makuha ang lahat ng ito kung wala na yung taong una kong gustong sabihan tungkol dito?

Namamatay na agad ako sa mga imahe na pumapasok sa isip ko.

May bahay at kotse pero wala ng nag - aantay sa aking pagdating.

May mauuwi na akong lechon pero bakante na ang upuan sa mesa.

Kaya ko nang bilhin ang sapatos at damit na kinakantsyaw nila sa akin dati, ngunit wala na magsusuot para masabihan kong sakto lang ang laki?

Meron na ako ng lahat, pero wala na sila.

Patayin niyo na lang ako please.

Kabisado ng panahon kung paano ako patayin kahit nahinga pa.

Alam nitong tanggap ko na may hangganan ang lahat ngunit mas kabisado ako nito sa paraan na ako’y sobrang takot maabutan ng oras bago pa maging handa.

Hindi ako natatakot sa posibilidad ng kamatayan.

Natatakot akong kunin sila habang wala pa akong nararating sa buhay.

Habang nag aaral pa lang ako.

Habang sumasahod pa lang ako ng munti.

Habang ginagawa ko ngayon ng buong lakas, baka maging huli na ang lahat bukas.

Kaya kung ang oras ay taksil, bastos, walang pahintulot, atat.

Baka kailangan ako yung tumino kahit paano?

Baka mas kailangan kong habaan ang pakikipagkwentuhan.

Baka mas kailangan kong dalasan ang pagbisita habang may naghihintay pa sa akin.

Baka mas kailangan kong tumawag habang may sasagot pa.

Baka mas kailangan kong kabisaduhin ang boses nila kahit pa minsan minsan may tunog ng galit.

Tignan at pakinggan nang mas matagal

Sulitin ang pagbanggit ng…

“Ma, Mama, Mommy, Mom”

“Pa, Papa, Daddy, Dad”

“Lola, Lolo”

kasi baka bukas

tahimik na.

This masterpiece speaks the exact language of my anticipatory grief, grief itself and regrets after losing my favorite person in the world back in 2022.

Kayang bilhin ng pera ang bukas, pero kailanman walang salapi ang makakabili ng kahapon. So, check your balance today.

Sakit di ba? Sulitin mo na para isahan move on na lang. Read more:

Dating sigurado, ngayon gulong gulo kung saan ako patungo sa buhay.

Where am I right now in my life?

Nasaan ako ngayon sa buhay ko?

Saan ako? Sino ito?

I used to be a believer.

A believer of myself.

A believer of who would I become.

A believer of certainty.

“Future architect” — But somehow, I ended up taking a different course, figuring out a career I never really imagined for myself.

“By the age of 25, may bahay at kotse na ako.” — But here I am now, just trying to earn enough to keep up with the bills and rent.

And it hurts.

Hindi ‘yan nangyari ng isang bagsakan. Nangyari ‘yan paunti-unti.

Paunti-unti akong sinasampal ng realidad at kahirapan hanggang sa matutunan kong liitan lang ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay

It shoved it in my face that I was being unrealistic, when in fact, I was just being true to myself na ayon talaga ang gusto ko sa buhay.

But the saddest part was…

Reality weighs heavier than the truth we want to believe.

No one held my hand tightly. I had to figure it out alone. I kept accepting whatever life made available to me, even though I knew it wasn't necessarily what I wanted or deserved.

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And this availability?
It made me realize I deserve more.

Ang sakit sobra lalo na pag parang wala ka talagang magawa sa ngayon.

Now, I’m a stranger to myself.

Kaya sino ito?

Bakit siya yung nasusunod?

Saan na ako dinadala nito?

I fought so hard, so why does it still feels like it’s not enough?

I tried.

God knows I fucking tried.

Even my cat.

Sinusubukan ko kahit paulit-ulit akong pinapatay ng mga pagsubok.

Sinusubukan ko kahit parang imposible. Sinusubukan ko kahit wala naman nagsabing subukan ko. Sinusubukan ko kasi may lumalaban sa loob loob ko na… baka kaya pa.. baka meron pa…

Baka. Maybe.

That’s why I keep showing up even if showing up feels like enduring and not living at all.

I keep enduring because it’s the easiest way to pretend I’m doing something in my life.

Tinitiis ko para lang masabing may nangyayari kahit paano sa buhay ko…

No one prepares me for the heartbreak of seeing the person I was supposed to become living in someone else’s life.

Again, hindi dahil sa inggit but because I’m disappointed in myself.

Kaya pinipili ko na deactivated minsan social media accs ko, kasi kaliwat kanan

Nakikita ko mga pangarap ko nangyayari nga pero sa buhay naman ng iba.

No hate to these people. I know they deserve it. I’m talking about the pain of my dream peeking, waving at me like…

“Yoo-hoo, ito ka dapat ngayon oh..”

And this supposed dream didn’t just peek and wave at me,

it completely silenced me to the thought of:

“Ano hanggang diyan ka lang?”

— Oo na! Tangina.

Wala na akong pake, ata?

“Unti unti na akong nawawalan ng pake kasi palagi na lang ako yung nagsasantabi …”

Ako na lang lagi ‘yung nagpapa ubaya para sa mga bagay na kailangan.

Ako na lang palagi yung kailangan may dapat i-sakripisyo.

Ako na lang palagi yung umiintindi.

Ako na lang palagi yung nag iisang may pakialam.

Ako na lang…

Ako na lang pala yung nandito.

I’ve spent so long putting myself last that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be first — to be considered, to be chosen, to be prioritized.

Kailan ba ako napaso? or in other words…

“Bakit takot na akong sumubok?”

“Bakit nawawalan na ako ng pag asa?”

“Bakit tuluyan na akong kumakawala?”

I was never afraid of the spark. I only became careful when it burned me.

“Masaya naman talaga ako nangangarap not until it made me feel stupid for wanting it.”

“I gave my everything only to realize life is only giving me what’s convenient”

I kept feeding it with whatever the spark of hope, effort, patience, sacrifice only to be turned ashes by it.

Because what do you mean, it demands a fire when all I only have right now is spark?

I feel like I’ve run out of myself to sacrifice for it.

Now, that’s scary.

When the original version of me speaks

When I started dreaming of this life, I believed in it instantly.

There was this version of me who didn’t need guarantees and didn’t care about the lack of resources or the risk of failure.

I didn’t need to know how. I just knew I wanted it badly.

That original version of me simply believed I could.

Now, I can barely see what I saw in my old self that made me so certain this life could be mine.

I spent so much time trying not to think about the cruel things I told myself for not becoming the person I once dreamed I would be.

Noong una, lumalaban pa ako. Pero di ko namamalayan unti-unti na pala akong nakikinig at kinukumbinsi.

When the dream of becoming feels like it abandoned me, I abandon myself too and start believing I’m nothing.

“Hanggang dito na lang ako..”

“Wala na akong patutunguhan sa buhay.”

“Wala na akong kwentang tao.”

“Ang tanga ko kasi. Ang bobo ko kasi.”

It’s the loudest in the unknown. It is easier to call myself worthless than to admit that I simply cant have everything I want yet.

And I just surrendered to:

“What if hindi talaga ‘to para sa akin?”

But something in me still begs not to abandon it completely.

Kahit ayoko na talaga minsan, there’s still this unexplainable part of me that keeps whispering to really try again.

“Pagod ka lang..”

“Kaya pa yan.”

“May next time pa.”

“It’s not the end yet.”

Hindi ko alam saan galing yung boses na ‘yan. Pero alam ko andyan siya, nananatili.

The feeling of absolute exhaustion

Ito na yung napapasabi ako ng…

“Tangina, di ko na maintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko”

It is simply beyond my understanding. I’ve reached a point where there’s nothing left to do but look up. What else can I do when I’ve exhausted every answer I know?

Pray for a sign, for relief, for a way back, for a miracle…

“Sana ako naman..”

“Sana kahit ito lang please..”

“Please Lord, Please…”

But the silence is so loud I started noticing how desperate I had become more than my actual prayers.

I keep hearing the same silence, again and again and again.

That’s why pagod na pagod na pagod na pagod na ako.

Di naman ako si Jo, puta.

Something in me still waits at the finish line

Even if I wander through a different course, jobs I hate, decisions born from fear, or a life that feels completely unfair, it waits patiently at the end of the road, hoping that I finally turn my way around to find what’s bigger than chasing dreams.

And maybe it would say:

“You’re not lost after all. You simply took a road that you didn’t know existed.”

But I think, I did at some point. I think I lost a piece of myself somewhere along the way. No one warned me that when you’ve lived with scarcity for too long, you can become obsessed with becoming and having.

Kapag ang tagal mo nang wala, gigil ka maging.

The dream was so beyond my reach that I started performing so hard just to show the world that I’m capable and deserving of it.

I treated my dreams as fixed destinations, when they were only ever possibilities.

And I think, it’s meant to be uncertain.

The unknown is what compels us to keep searching.

Wherever there is uncertainty, hope finds room to breathe.

Maybe not today, but someday.

Therefore, I choose to continue not because I know already where I’m going but because I haven’t seen everything yet.

But what if tomorrow comes and the universe has nothing left for me?

Then I still have myself.

Again.
And again.
And again.

Even after everything.

Am I totally lost? No. I just became buried underneath everything that happened to me.

Realities have shown me a lot of endings and limitations but it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of me.

I don’t have to end me.

I just have to remain.

And I know it’s hard to remain.

Pero mananatili ako kahit mahirap.

Mananatili ako kahit nagkukumahog.

Basta mananatili akong buhay.

So wait for me, self.

We’ll meet again soon.

Saan ba ’to patungo?

Di ko talaga alam.

That’s why I won’t give up on you.

^{I’d like to buy the theory that this song was never really about romantic heartbreak. It’s about the heartbreak of losing yourself and the painful journey of finding your way back to it. And when you finally do, you choose it infinitely. Walang hanggan.}

Gusto kong lumubog sa lupa tuwing napapatunayan kong mas magaling ‘yung iba sa akin.

Hindi galing sa galit o inggit. Wala sa vocabulary ko ‘yon. Kaltok sa ulo lang talaga na ’yung bigla mong maiisip na, “Hala, ang galing shet. Sana ako rin.” kasi nakakahinayang sa sarili mong potential.

The hardest place to be is always in the almost.

It exists in that painful space where you're either always too much or never enough.

You know this exact feeling if you were supposed to be Cum Laude, but missed the grade requirement by a mere 0.25, all because of one minor subject. It’s the torture of knowing you were qualified in every way that mattered, but missing out on paper anyway.

You’re hearing this inner voice:

Marunong ka, oo. Pero hindi sapat para tawaging magaling.

But that wasn’t the first time I encountered it. Over the years, that voice is still bleeding into every single corner of my life, translating itself into different languages, different situations, and the exact same self-doubt.

I feel it even in my femininity.

To feel pretty, to feel even remotely acceptable, I feel like I need to apply layers of foundation, concealer, and makeup just to build a presentable baseline. But then you walk out, and you see someone else looking effortlessly stunning.

Siguro ito rin 'yung dahilan kaya madalas akong mamisinterpret ng ibang babae—na akala nila masungit ako o jinujudge ko sila kapag nakatitig ako. The truth is, nakatitig ako kasi gandang-ganda talaga ako sa kanila. Like sa utak ko, “slay teh!” I mean it. But after the admiration fades, I can't help but wonder why beauty feels like something I constantly have to work for, while others seem to carry it so naturally.

I feel pretty too — yes but never pretty by default.

It’s easy for someone to say I’m pretty, until they see me without the makeup. Until they see the stretch marks, the rolls on my stomach, the mountain of skincare products I rely on, and all the hidden insecurities I have to layer over just to be called pretty.

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At work, it’s the exact same script.

Sa mga teams meeting, I’m always the quiet one na laging naka mute mic na madalas gusto magsalita pero alam ko na I’m not that articulate, confident person just like my other workmates na kaya makipag sabayan sa mga managers and clients. Kaya ang favorite session ko ng meeting lagi, yung tinatanong na nila yung corpo iconic line “Do you have any questions before we end the meeting?” Then ibabato ko na yung fave line ko na “None for me” (hahaha) — Ayan ang ambag ko sa meeting.

Nakakatawa lang kasi minsan pakiramdam ko hindi lang siya sagot sa meeting. Parang sagot ko rin siya kapag tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung ano ba talaga ang meron ako —

“None.”

It also sneaks into my relationships.

Sa mga old friend groups ko, I’m always within the circle but never the main friend. Always the one that initiates, but never the first to be invited.

Always a choice, but never the decision.

In my failed relationship, it lands like a punch in the gut kapag nalaman mo mismo na kaya naman pala nila, pero di nila nagawa sayo,

“Kaya mo naman pala eh, pero bakit pag dating sa akin hirap na hirap ka”?

Gasgas na sad lines sa Tiktok na gumagasgas ng self- worth. This is when you drive yourself mad questioning your decisions, your choices, your worth and even your entire existence only to arrive at the most painful answer:

You’ll never be enough for someone who never chose you in the first place.

And that dynamic doesn't stop at romance.

Even sa family, there’s always an absolute demand for us to honor and acknowledge them as parents and rightly so but sometimes it feels like they forget that we are their daughters/sons, too.

Magulang sila, pero anak rin naman tayo, 'di ba?

Kahit dito sa Substack…

Minsan right after matapos draft ko, ganda ganda ako sa sarili kong piece. Syempre, nakipag digmaan muna ako sa search bar just to double - check if right words, term or grammar ba ginagamit ko. Nakaka ilan repeat ang favorite spotify playlist ko as background noise habang nagsusulat. Di ako makakagawa ng sulat pag wala ‘yon kasi kailangan maramdaman ko muna na kinakawawa ako ng mundo. Kailangan maka ilan timpla muna ako ng 3-in-1 na kape, puyat at mga 5 existential crisis bago ako makatapos ng isang piece.

Until someone else did it in an hour what took me one week to compose.

Kaya siguro right after ko ma-post ‘yung mga articles ko sa Substack, pagkabasa ko sa gawa ko, mga ilan hours or within the day, parang gusto ko na lang ibalik sa drafts. Hahaha! Pero wag na pala, na heart na ng loyal kong 3 likers.

Do you get the point mga beh?

It feels like my entire life has been spent constantly adjusting and fine-tuning myself just to fit into the standards.

Pero tangina, kanino bang standards ‘ yan?

Basehan lagi ang pagiging higit, hindi pagiging tao.

These impossible expectations forced me into a constant battle to outperform everyone. Yes, winning could feel good, but after endless defeat, you just surrender to the devastating truth: you’re a failure.

And nothing kills you faster from the inside knowing you gave your absolute best, went all-out, and realized it still wasn't enough.

“Ginawa ko naman na ang lahat, pero bakit kulang pa rin?”

It’s exhausting. So deeply exhausting.

Kaya siguro ako nagkaroon ng IDGAF phase sa buhay ko

• Hs & shs high performer, pero pagdating sa college basta makapasa na lang, okay na ako don.

• Sa work? Bahala kayo diyan magbatuhan ng mga paulit ulit niyong corporate jargons, basta ako may sahod. I-ayon ang pake, sa payslip. (Ganon hahaha)

• Sa friendship, relationship : “Ayaw niyo na sa akin? Oh, okay.”

Why? Because we’ve had enough.

Before anyone else can give up on us, before anyone else can say something hurtful, we’ve already said it to ourselves. We beat them to it. And honestly?

The things we say to ourselves are often way more painful than anything they could ever do.

We have battled with ourselves enough. We have been the unkindest judges to our own lives.

Above all,

I think it's because we're constantly taught to become "better," yet so rarely encouraged to simply exist as we are.

Lagi na lang kailangan maging mas magaling. Pero di ba pwede, maging ‘ako’ lang?

So here is a long-overdue apology:

• To ourselves, who felt the need to constantly perform just to be seen.

• To ourselves, who layered on so much armor just to be accepted.

• To ourselves, who settled for the bare minimum just to feel loved.

Please remember this:

“Lahat ng magagaling, nag-umpisa lang din sa pagiging marunong.”

And simply by being marunong, by putting yourself out there, you are already one step ahead of those who never dared to try.

You were never meant to be a god.

Immortal. Flawless. Untouchable.

You were always meant to be an angel.

Someone who flies.

Someone who falls.

Someone who gets lost.

Someone who keeps becoming.

Kaya…

^{Nakasulat 'to sa middle top ng freedom wall ng exhibit ni Geloy Concepcion last month sa Ateneo Art Gallery. Di ko alam if kanta ba yan or quote talaga. Sayang, hindi ko na-picturan, pero hanggang ngayon nakatatak pa rin sa akin.}

When I read that, the phrase felt like a comfort and a call to come home to my raw self. Nung mga oras na feeling ko ang gulo-gulo ng lahat, ‘yung napapaniwala ako ng pressure na kulang pa rin ako kahit ginagawa ko naman ang lahat, iyon ‘yung paalala na bumalik sa sarili kong tahanan.

We need to honor our raw selves to realize how much we’ve grown. Because the truth is, we’ll never be enough in a world that constantly demands and glorifies only the results. This explains why our best often feels invalidating.

We fail to appreciate our raw process of making progress: how we consistently choose to push past our limits, simply because we believe in ourselves by heart.

At the end of the day, who are we if we only exist to be the best?

Strip away all the standards and expectations, what’s left is who you really are. That’s the baseline of everything —

You are enough.

Read more of my recent works:

Madaling araw na pero ito ako nag babawas na mga pictures sa phone. Hanggang sa may nakita akong picture na napatigil ako…

Isang manipis, puti na papel.

₱7,167.50

Resibo sa restaurant nung nilibre ko family ko last month.

Napasabi ako ng ‘Pakshet!” (hahaha). Tanda ko pa kasi ‘yung linggo na ‘yun, sagad na sagad ako sa pera. Konti na lang pera ko that time para makatawid sa susunod na sweldo. Pero anong ginawa ko nung gabi na ‘yun?

Hindi man lang ako nag-dalawang isip. Iniswipe ko agad ‘yung card para sa ganon halaga. Hindi man lang ako nag-hesitate kumain sa restau na yon (hahaha). Tbh, di ko rin alam paano ko na survive yung mga ibang araw after nun (lol).

Tapos bigla akong napaisip: Bakit kapag sa kanila, kaya kong maglabas ng pito-libo nang hindi man lang kumukurap ‘yung mata ko? Pero kapag bibili ako ng para sa sarili ko kahit mura lang... kinakain ako lagi ng guilt?

Kapag sa sarili ko, nagtitipid ako. Pero kapag para sa ibang tao, walang problema ang pera.

Ewan… siguro kasi lumaki ako sa bahay na lahat ng tao palaging stressed sa pera. Bata pa lang ako, kailangan ko nang maging walking calculator. Iniisip ko na agad ‘yung presyo ng lahat para lang maging “understanding” na anak.

Ako palagi ‘yung nag-a-adjust para kila mama/papa, para sa mga kapatid ko, para sa mga ibang tao:

• “Okay lang, Ma/Pa, ‘wag na ako.”

• “Di ko naman kailangan.”

• “Meron pa naman ako.” (kahit ang totoo, wala na talaga.)

• “Si ano na lang ma/pa.”

Kabisado ko lahat ng linyahan sa bahay tuwing mag-aaway sa pera.

‘Yung “Wala akong pera” nila pero may nabibili sila para sa iba. ‘Yung “Magtipid kayo, akala niyo naman may pambayad kayo ng kuryente!” sabay papatayan ng electric fan o kaya babawasan yung ilaw na naka bukas. Yung mga “Tsaka ka na lang” at “Sa susunod na lang” na hindi na talaga nangyari.

Nakita ko lahat. Nakita kong ibenta ‘yung mga gamit namin para lang may pambayad ng renta. Naranasan kong maupo sa dilim habang nagsisindi ng kandila kasi naputulan kami ng kuryente. Narinig ko paulit ulit na sinasabi at dinidiin sa amin na ₱500 na lang ang pera namin para sa buong linggo. Nakita ko paano sila mangutang sa iba para lang may pagkain kami.

Sinong di magiging financially aware kid when you had to learn early what scarcity felt like?

Nahubog yung paniniwala ko noon na ang pera hindi lang naman resource, but a reason why most things fell apart. Dahil sa pera, pwede maging magulo ang mga sitwasyon. Kaya bata pa lang ako, sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko: Hindi ako magiging pala - hingi para hindi na ako makadagdag sa problema.

Kaya kahit bilhan nila ako ng bagay na gusto ko nung bata ako, hindi ko magawa maging totoo na masaya.

Natataranta ako kapag nakikita ko sila mama at papa naglalabas ng pera mula sa bulsa nila para sa’kin. Lalo na pag nag wi-withdraw sila ng pera sa atm machine, di ako makatingin ng diretso dahil ako agad yung na i-stressed kung paano nila pagkakasyahin yun pera. Kapag binilhan nila ako ng gusto ko, naiiyak ako sa sobrang guilt kasi I knew exactly how much that money was needed somewhere else. I always understood the cost behind them.

Ganon ‘yung naging buhay ko:

• Ako ‘yung batang walang bagong bag o makintab na sapatos.

• Ako ‘yung batang naglalakad sa ilalim ng initan para lang makatipid sa pamasahe.

• Ako ‘yung batang kupas ‘yung uniform.

Kasi natutunan kong i- stretch what little I had and to make things last. Maghintay sa kanila na kusang magbigay kesa manghingi ako - mga ganon. Ang tumatak talaga sa utak ko: Kapag kayang tiisin, ‘wag na gagastos.

Ngayon, okay na ako. May trabaho na ako. Kahit paano kumikita na talaga… It’s like I can fix numbers pero I’m not able to fix the feelings eh.

Sa loob-loob ko? Para pa rin akong ‘yung batang nagmamakaawa sa sarili na ‘wag maghangad ng kahit ano.

Kapag may nakikita akong magandang damit sa mall, sinasabi ko agad sa sarili ko: “Wag na. Sa Shopee na lang, may katulad dyan na mas mura.”

Naririnig ko pa rin ‘yung mga lumang boses sa bahay:

• “Dapat ‘yung pinakamura lang.”

• “Wala tayong budget.”

• “Tiis muna.”

• “Mukha ba akong nagtatae ng pera?”

‘Pag lumaki ka sa ganito, (for me ha) feeling ko parang lalaki ka lang na either : fiercely hyper-frugal sa sarili mo or recklessly generous with others (just like what I think ano ako ngayon)

Akala ko pagiging practical lang ‘yung pag-hesitate sa sarili kong pera. Pero hindi pala at some point. Na realize ko lang rin, minsan pwede rin pala maging alibi ‘yon. Kasi hanggang ngayon may nakatatak pa rin sa akin na kailangan kong maging financially aware kasi kapag hindi, maghihirap ako ulit. Ito yung parang pagdating sa sarili ko, laging financially risky. Pakiramdam ko I’m betraying that old kid version of myself who keeps surviving that household by wanting less. Ganon.

Nakakatawa man isipin, pero kitang-kita talaga 'yung ebidensya sa mga simpleng bagay eh.. 'yung paulit-ulit na pagsuot ng butas-butas na medyas, 'yung bacon briefs, 'yung lumang undies o pambahay na shorts na butas butas na, pudpod na tsinelas at 'yung sobrang lumang wallet na ayaw mo pa ring palitan. Batak yung ‘Pwede pa naman’ mindset sa sarili. Kapag para sa iba, kahit magkano, walang problema, nagiging unlimited budget natin.

Pero nakakapagod din talaga yung invisible financial labor…

Pagod na akong tingnan ‘yung presyo ng pagkain para sa sarili ko tapos magse-self-guilt ako na parang masama akong tao kasi bumili ako ng masarap na pagkain. Pagod na akong magtiis para lang sa mga “Paano kapag nagka-emergency sa ganito, si ganito, si ganyan, bukas tapos wala na akong pera?”

Puro na lang para sa iba, kailan naman yung para sa akin?

Sa mga naka relate sa akin, ngayong malaki na tayo, siguro kailangan natin sabihin na okay lang naman gumastos. Sabihin natin:

Pwede ko namang i-enjoy ‘yung perang pinaghirapan ko. At okay lang na i-prioritize ko naman ang sarili ko kahit papaano. Kahit kailan hindi pagiging irresponsable gastusan sarili ko kung alam ko magiging masaya ako at pa minsan - minsan lang naman. Most importantly…

wag ipagkait sa sarili ‘ang buhay’ na ako lang rin naman ang bumubuhay na ngayon.

You worked hard to earn a life, so give yourself one.

^{Read my other recent works:}

Putahe ang hanap ko,
Pero "Puta" ang nasabi ko
Nung malaman kong
Kinakain ng mga gagong politiko
Ang Ulam ng Masang Pilipino

​Mga gahamang nakaupo,
Paulit-ulit niyo kaming ginagago.
Paulit-ulit niyo kaming ginagawang bobo.

Akala niyo ba hindi namin kayo nakikita?
Eh, Kayo ang may pinakamataas na silya dito sa mesa —
Mga puwet niyo’y nakatali’t nakadikit,
Nagpapanggap kayong nakapikit,
Walang mga malasakit.

​Habang kami dito nag hihintay ng may
'Tingi- Tinging' mahulog sa lapag,
Kumakayod,
Nagkakapaltos,
Nagkakasakit,
Nagsasakripisyo,
Namamatay
Para lang sa isang itlog sa plato.

​Isang itlog na lang sa plato,
Grabe, inubos niyo!
Sabay sabi,
Ang kapalit daw ay Gintong Itlog—

Sino ang niloko niyo?

​Pati tubig sa aming tasa, ininom niyo.
Humanda kayo!
Dahil uhaw na uhaw na ang mga Pilipino
Sa Tunay na Pagbabago!

​Kami-kami na lang dito sa lapag ang nagsasalo - salo
Ang nagkakarinigan ng kumukulong sikmura

Hindi na sasapat ang sipag at tiyaga
Para magkaroon ng nilaga
Sa mesa na paulit-ulit niyong ninanakawan!

​Putahe ang kailangan namin,
Hindi ang ka-putahan niyo!

​Kaya para sa kapwa ko Pilipino:
Dugo’t pawis man ang natitikman natin ngayon,
Lasapin natin
Tandaan natin yung lasa ng paghihirap
Alalahanin natin yung dami ng nawalan ng pag asa at di maka abot ng pangarap
Namnamin natin ang pagkadismaya sa mga taong nangakong di mawawalan ng pagkain sa lapag ng mesa

Hindi bansa ang kalaban natin
Kung di ang mga gahamang tao naghahain ng
Bulok na sistema!

Wag tayong mabilis makalimot

Lalo na sa taon na
Dalawang libo't dalawampu't walo.
Gawin na natin ang tamang pagboto.
Kilatising nang mabuti ang nagpapanggap sa Totoo;
Tumingin tayo sa may tunay na resibo,
Hindi sa kayang mag-abot ng isang libo nang patago.

​Huwag na tayong magpaloko.
Tayo lang din ang gumugutom sa kapwa natin Pilipino.

Ngunit tayo rin
—tayo lang—

Ang makakapagluto at makakapaghain
Ng Pagbabago sa Mesa ng Bayan.

​At para sa gahaman na politiko:
Mga gago!
Mga kampon ng Demonyo!

Hindi na pala ako gutom,
GALIT NA GALIT AKO!

Malason sana kayo sa POOT
ng Bawat Pilipinong ginagawa naman
ANG LAHAT
pero ginugutom niyo!

_{background music credit}

_{May isa pa akong tula about adulting pressure, you can read & listen here ^^:}

Childhood Era 1: Batang Maynila

Picture this as a ‘90s baby, luckily enough meron naman akong typical na Pinoy childhood story. Batang lumaki sa labas ng init ng araw kaya sobrang itim ko noon. Tanda ko pa tinatawag akong ‘Nognog’ kasi nga sobrang itim ko (hahahaha). Yes! I’m that girl na naubutan pa yung chinese garter, tumbang preso, langit lupa, 10-20, paper dolls. Iconic ‘90s babies knew how intense yung ‘showdown’ ng Spaghetti Pababa at pagsayaw ng Otso Otso lalo na tuwing birthday party. Yung Hampas Palayok kung saan naka blind flold ka tapos you need to hit the pot while hearing all the contradicting directions from the people around you. Isa pa, yung Pa-Bitin na palaro kung saan kailangan tumalon at abutin yung prizes, grabe pagiging competitive ko noon at that age. Tapos, di rin mawawala yung big rectangular mocha cake flavor na color bright red yung icing greetings (hahahaha) na tuwing may birthday ganon mostly designs ng mga cake.

Peak childhood, no cap.

Pero kasi bukod sa fun part ng childhood na ‘to, isa rin ako sa batang lumaki na very good ka kapag kumakain ka ng gulay, natulog ka sa tanghali + bonus na papayagan ka makipaglaro sa labasan. Di natulog sa tanghali = Walang Laro. Ito ata yung Classic Pinoy Parenting Starter Pack.

Isa sa mga madalas na sinasabi sa akin ng mga nakakatanda noon, I rarely fought back daw. Kapag may umaaway sa akin, di daw ako gumaganti. Umuuwi lang daw ako ng tahimik at nakasimangot buong araw sa bahay. Gets na daw ng mga tao sa bahay na may nang away sa akin kapag nakita nila akong ganoon. Akala ko dati simpleng pag-iwas ko lang yun sa gulo, pero…

unti-unti na pala ako natututong manahimik kahit may gusto akong sabihin.

Childhood Era 2: Batang Saudi

Part 1

This era hits different. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa nga noon, aalis lang kami para mag mall. Di ko alam na titira pala kami sa ibang bansa. Si Papa yung kumuha sa amin ni mama sa Saudi since andon yung work niya. Dahil ako yung bunso at di pa nag aaral that time sa magkakapatid, ako yung napiling isama.

For a 5 years old child, this Saudi era felt a completely different world.

I was enrolled in an International School. Feeling ko dati main child character energy because everything felt bigger, newer and more exciting than anything I had known before.

Kaso (ayun lang — may kaso haha), that was also the first time I became aware that people could you see as different. Literal na “Para naman Others” 😭

Since International ngani, naalala ko we’re consisted of : American, Canadian, Indian, Arabian, Egyptian, Syrian and Filipinos sa loob ng klase. Looking back, it should have been a beautiful experience. Most of the time, it was.

But it’s also where I first encountered discrimination because Pinoy kami. Buti na lang, 3 kaming Pinoy that time so feeling ko may mga kakampi pa rin ako kahit papaano. We were teased for our accents whenever we spoke English. Sometimes our lunches were mocked kasi di nila gets yung baon namin. Funny enough, I still remember feeling embarassed over Pinoy dishes that I now proudly crave as an adult. (Duh, ang sarap-sarap kaya ng pagkain Pinoy!)

Well, ayun nga..

Children can be cruel talaga without fully understanding why. But sometimes adult too..

Part 2

Isa sa mga cleariest memory ko doon, di lang sa kaklase eh.

It was about a teacher.

Sa Social Studies subject, we had a recitation. When my turn came, I made a mistake.

A small mistake that children are supposed to make.

Ang naalala ko na lang, nag froze ako when my teacher literally hit me with that (encyclopedia thick-like) book directly to my head. It’s an absolute public humiliation since after that, I heard a complete chuckles from my classmates. Suddenly, it strucked me hard na “Nakakahiya pala magkamali.”

So from this,

I treated failure as something to fear instead of something to learn from.

I know sa ganitong situation, I should have really told my parents about it. But since bata ngani na napangunahan ng takot, ang unang pumasok sa utak ko was to encouraged my parents to send me to a private tutor because from that moment, I really wanted to excel and show them that I can do better — which did, in fact, happen successfully.

From C’s to straight A’s sa class card, nakasama rin ako sa top 10, nanalo sa mga contests. After that, masaya lagi sila mama at papa sa akin. Laging ako may compliments. Nag iba na turing sa akin ng mga teachers and classmates. I gained more friends. I became popular. People seemed to love me more when I was flawless. May na built akong subconcious rule from this…

Consistent A efforts = Valued, Loved, Accepted, Therefore bawal magkamali.

It turned my life into a constant state of reaching for the next high bar just to keep everyone happy and proud about my existence.

Reality Check: HS and SHS, College Era (Ultimate High Performer o Perfectionist? + People Pleaser, Hyper Independent )

Pinanghawakan ko talaga yung rule na yon…

Umikot ata buong high school life until college ko sa pagiging A performer student.

• ^{Class Officer}

• ^{SSG Officer}

• ^{Achiever in Class}

• ^{Active sa mga Clubs}

• ^{Active Joiner sa mga Art related contest: Spoken Poetry, Poster Making, Essay Making Contests}

I held onto this reality so hard, not realizing I was just stuck in a loop of people-pleasing. But I don’t know if ‘people pleaser’ is the right term for it.

To be fair there were benefits naman, but the older I got, the more I realized there was something sad underneath all that ambition and success:

I fvcking didn't really know who I was

_{Image credit}

Who am I outside of other people’s opinion?

Kilalang - kilala ko sarili ko kapag nakakagawa ako ng tama. Pero sino ako at anong tingin ko sarili ko pag nagkamali ako?

And maybe…

This could possibly explains why ang bilis ko mag self - blame. My inner dialogue immediately shifts into interrogation mode:

• “Dapat alam mo kasi yan”

• “Dahil sayo yan.”

• “Ikaw kasi eh.”

And, alam niyo super ironic. Kapag sa ibang tao, sa ganitong sitwasyon, I’m always the first person to remind them to be kind to themselves. But somewhow, I always excluded myself from the same compassion I freely gave to everyone else.

Watdapak, right?

I also think na this is where my dark side of being hyper-independent took over. When you feel like you have to do everything yourself, and you're fully aware that you're the only one carrying the load, there's no one else to share the blame. So kapag nagkanda - leche leche na, you end up blaming yourself on the deepest level possible. Kasi nga,

Who else is there to blame? It’s just you.

Sadly, that’s the thing about being hyper-independent. It makes you forget you’re just a human. Tao ka.

But hey, alam ko mabigat yung mga salitang binitawan ko but here’s a gentle reminder to all the readers: it’s normal to have days that feels like our best is less than we hoped for. Di lahat ng bagay kaya natin alamin in a snap so patawarin mo sarili mo sa mga bagay na di mo pa naaabot, di mo pa nagagawa at di mo pa nalalaman dahil panahon lang naman rin ang makakapagturo sayo lahat ng ito.

BALAY: THE ALPHA

Akala ko dati noong mga panahon na yan kaya ako umiiwas sa mga gulo and shits kasi ganoon ang pagiging matured. Pero kasi na realized ko hindi ko lang pala talaga alam kung paano sabihin at harapin yung mga iba’t ibang masasakit na emosyon.

Dahil…

Wala naman umupo sa tabi ko noong bata ako para sabihin:

“Okay lang..”

“Okay lang maging malungkot…”

“Okay lang magalit…”

“Okay lang magkamali..”

“Okay lang maging di magaling”

Lalo na being a child, on my experience before, pag sumagot ka, bastos ka. Kapag umiyak ka, ma-drama ka. Kapag may masakit, okay lang yan kahit ang totoo di mo na talaga kaya. But the truth was: it really hurts and di lang siya madadaan sa salitang ‘Kaya mo yan’.

I don’t need them to tell me I can do it. I need them to tell how I can do it. I don’t need them to tell me I’m strong, I need them to teach me how to be strong.

There’s a world of difference between empty praise and receiving actual guidance.

AVOIDANT FERSON KA DAW?

_{|Disclaimer: I know, guys it’s bad to self- diagnose 😭 But pls let me share a few details about why I feel like I developed this avoidant side of myself because of this}|

So dahil ngani, walang nag guide dati at mali ang guide na pinanghawakan (pakshet).

Whenever I’m overwhelmed and there’s situations na ni-rerequire ako ng agad agaran na emotional response, teh- nag shu-shutdown ako.

Kasi I don’t feel safe enough to process everything in real time. So instead of moving closer, I pull away. Instead of confronting, I retreat. All because I feel spacing out feels safer than vulnerability.

And avoidants (at least for me) we know naman what to do but we just can’t function in real time. Humaharap na lang kami when we feel okay, when we feel safe.

And from the outside, it could look like an: ego, pride, coward, selfish and to sum it up: exhausting and unfair.

Indeed, it’s both unfair, emotionally & mentally exhausting kasi most of the time kayo yung naiiwan sa ere para maghintay, nag i-initiate to fix things para matapos na.

_{POV: Me to my Avoidant Side}

And guys, I learned about this in a very hard way. Like incredibly hard. Ultra mega hard. I’ve lost relationships because of it. I’ve lost friendship because of it.

This is something that I will never be proud of. I’m sorry for all the people I’ve hurt just because I chose to hid behind my walls.

DAMING ADS, ANO NA NGA?

So everything that happened, I feel like that was all my survival strategies. From being a kid, teens, in 20’s up to present I feel like we are really bound to fvck things up and we won’t fvck up just once but several times until it slaps us in the face as a pattern. A pattern that we need to be aware of, understand, analyze in a healthy way so we can break the cycle and finally grow.

Di natin kasalanan na nasaktan tayo at may nagkulang sa atin, but healing becomes our responsibility.

To age is inevitable but to grow is a choice. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. Yes, we’re once a victims but our wounds is not a valid excuse to neglect emotional maturity or to simply avoid accountability for our behaviors.

Growing and healing is accepting that pain is also present on it. We just have to face it and feel it. It takes courage to be willing to stand still and outgrow unnurtured versions of ourselves. Go with the flow, even when the flow takes and reminds us through the most uncomfortable feelings.

After all,

Bata, bata kung Paano ka Ginawa is one thing. Paano ka Tatanda is another.

^{Check niyo rin yung tula ko about Adulting pressures ^^}

na kung saan ang bigat ay hindi sa timbang,

kung di sa mga sana,

ano,

paano,

at kailan

ang sarili ko’y hihirang

bilang tunay na may ligaya’t pag-asa.

Nabubuhay nang di pilit ang paghinga.

***

Malayang nasasabi ang,

“teka’t sandali.”

Kayang bomoses ng

“dito muna.”

laban sa ingay ng nagsasabing,

“magpahinga ay mali.”

***

Di ako mapakali.

Di ako pinapatulog

ng mga bakasakali

at dapat.

***

Di ko nga rin alam

bakit ganito tulang nasulat.

***

Basta ang alam ko,

ang bigat.

***

Kahit isa lang ako,

pero pakiramdam ko,

pasan ko ang mundo ng apat:

“Ano na?”

“Paano na?”

“Saan na?”

“Kailan na?”

***

….Ewan ko.

Nasaan na ba

ang aking mga ka-pangkat?

***

Dito tayo…

Pangkat - Apat.

I didn’t know love could be this deep

until you taught me how to swim.

We were just two young souls

standing at the edge of something vast

an ocean we didn’t understand,

but chose anyway.

We stepped in carefully at first,
ankles, then knees,
laughing like love was something light
something that would always know how to float

But you
you never stayed on the surface.

You dove.

And somehow, I followed.

You showed me that love isn’t just waves and sunlight
it’s pressure,
it’s darkness,
it’s the quiet kind of depth
that asks you to stay
even when it’s hard to breathe.

You said it often,
softly, like a prayer you weren’t sure would hold:

“It’s never gonna be easy…
but it would be worth it.”

And I held onto that
like a rope in deep water.

God, I held onto it.

I remember your lowest days
how heavy everything felt for you,
how life pressed down like the deepest trench

You told me once
that things were so hard
but you were trying
trying to find light
in the smallest ways.

It sounds so little now,
almost insignificant to anyone else,
but I saw it.

I saw what it meant.

It was you choosing to keep going.
It was you choosing light
even when everything in you felt dark.

And I loved you for that
in ways I still don’t fully understand

You were never shallow.

There were parts of you
hidden like creatures beneath the deepest waters:
quiet, beautiful,
a little frightening,
but real.

And I learned you.

I learned how to swim in you.

I learned how to listen between your words,
how to hold space for your silence,
how to dive deeper
instead of running back to shore.

I can still see it
the way your eyes lifted in the dark water
when you saw me drifting toward you below the ocean

Like you didn’t flinch
Like you didn’t need to know what I was
whether I was something gentle,
or something that could undo you

Just a figure in the deep
Uncertain. Unnamed. Unreadable.

Waiting, not to escape me,
but to hold me in the darkness,
as if the deepest part of the ocean
wasn’t what you feared at all…

but losing me to it.

Now I stand on land.

Breathing is easier here.
The surface is calmer.
People pass by like gentle waves
safe in their distance
easy to understand.

But sometimes,
I feel like I don’t belong here

Because you taught me something rare
how to survive the depths,
how to love beyond the surface,
how to see what most people never dare to look at.

And once you’ve been there…
it’s hard to unlearn.

So I watch from afar now,
like someone standing at the edge of the world,
looking out into the ocean
where the horizon melts into sunset

And I think of you.

Not with regret
but with something softer

Gratitude, maybe.

Because I got to cross that ocean once.
I got to explore it,
to feel its weight,
its wonder,
its ache.

It was never easy.

You were right about that.

But it was worth it.

You were worth it.

So yes —

shallow waters aren’t for me anymore.

I once dove
ten thousand feet beneath,
and found

a life lesson, a kind of treasure:

the deepest kind of love
only exists

for those who dare

to be drowned.

-J