For someone who brags about tears being my superpower, I actually hate crying in front of people. (Well, if it’s about myself, I cry for others in public all the time 🤭)

I was አልቃሻ from childhood, and it used to make no sense to me why my body did that. For the most part, though, I perfected the art of crying secretly in the bathroom early on.

Then I grew up and experienced the magic of crying in someone’s arms, and my life took a turn ever since. It’s not the arms, necessarily; it’s that emotional safe space. It’s having someone who cares enough to sit with you in that discomfort, being witnessed in your most vulnerable state. It’s intoxicating. I learned why they say you need people in your life. I learned the true meaning of “ሰው ለሰው መድኃኒት ነው.” I learned that there is so much depth and sweetness to togetherness and meaningful company.

Yet, I’m still afraid of crying to someone.

Why? Because not everyone you cry to will hold you. Not everyone is a safe space, and not everyone has the capacity to sit in that discomfort with you to witness your pain. A lot of people will dismiss it “አታልቅሺ በቃ.” Others will get annoyed or mad: “ምን ያስለቅስሻል?” Neither reaction is necessarily cruel, but both are deeply hurtful. And so, I choose safety. I cry alone. Or if the person is on the other side of the world and can’t hold me, I cry alone then, too.

Regardless of the distance, physical or emotional, still alone. Company is only true company when it is present physically, emotionally, and safely.

I think we miss this as a community. We’re told to just “be with people,” but we’re never taught how to be there for them.

When they taught us how to change light bulbs or change a plug, they never taught us how to hold a crying person.

So when you have a crying friend or spouse right next to you, ask them if it’s okay, and just embrace them. Don’t tell them to stop. Don’t make it about you. Just sit there, listen, and let them release it in the safety of your presence.

That’s connection. That’s love. That’s the kind of company that heals the soul. That’s the ሰው being መዳኒት for ሰው!

And you, what do you do when you need to cry?

አሁን ደግሞ ያቺኑ 10,000 ብር ይዛችሁ ልጆቹን ማብላት ላልቻለ አንድ ምስኪን ቤተሰብ አስቤዛ ገዝታችሁ ሰጣችሁ እንበል። ያ ቤተሰብ የሚሰማው overwhelming ምስጋና፣ የሚዘንብባቹ ምርቃት ብዙ ነው! ለሰዓታቹ ወይ ስላገኟቹ … ስለናንተ ሳይሆን ለምግቡ!

እና ድጋሚ ጥያቄ… በሰጣቹት ነገር መመስገን ነው ከሰጣቹት ሰው ጋ relationship የምትፈልጉት?

ይሄን አለመረዳት መሰለኝ ቤታችን ውስጥ ያለው ትልቅ መተጣጣት የሚያመጣው።

ቀኑን ሙሉ ደክሞትና ዝሎ ወደ ቤት የሚመለሰውን አባት ወይም አስተዳዳሪ አስቡት፤ ቤተሰቦቹ appreciation እያዥጎደጎዱለት “ስለ ትምህርት ቤት ክፍያው እናመሰግናለን፣ ስለ ኪራዩ እናመሰግናለን፣ ምግብ ጠረጴዛ ላይ ስላቀረብክልን እናመሰግናለን” እያሉ አያሞግሱትም! ድካሜ አይመሰገንም ሊል ይችላል! ውጭ ለአንዱ ያረጋት ትንሽ ነገር ብዙ appreciation ታመጣለታለች! የቤቶቹ ጉዶች የባሰ ብለው ሌላ demand ሁሉ ይጨምሩለታል! ጊዜህን attentionህን ምናምን ስጠን እያሉ ተጨማሪ ነገር ይፈልጋሉ!

እውቅና እና appreciation መፈለግ ያለ ተፈጥሯዊ ነገር ነው፣ ቤተሰብም appreciate ሊያረግ ይገባል!

ግን ለህልውና አስፈላጊ የሆኑ መሠረታዊ ፍላጎቶችን ስላሟላን ምስጋና ብቻ እየጠበቅን፣ ከዚህ ውጭ ምንም ተጨማሪ ነገር እንዳይጠይቁን መፈለጋችን በራሱ በሎጂካችን ላይ ያለ ትልቅ ስህተት ነው።

ባለቤታችሁ እና ልጆቻችሁ የምታደርጉላቸውን appreciate ቢያረጉም፣ በመብላታቸው ብቻ ትልቅ የ“አቤት የተደረገልኝ ነገር” የሚል awe አይሰማቸውም፣ ምግብ እና መጠለያ ፈልገው አብረዋቹ የሚኖሩ ሰዎች ካልሆኑ በቀር… ማንም ሰው ከትዳር አጋሩ፣ ከአባቱ ከእናቱ ጋር relationship ይፈልጋል… አብራችኋቸው እንድትቀመጡ፣ እንድታወሩዋቸው፣ ፍቅር እንድትሰጧቸው emotionally available እንድትሆኑ ይፈልጋሉ። በዋነኝነት የፈለጉት እናንተን እንጂ የምታመጡን material ነገራት አደለም። ያ ማቴሪያል አብራቹ ስትኖሩ የምትሞሉት ድርሻቹ ነው እንጂ አብራቹ ምትኖሩበት ምክንያት አደለም!

እሱ “የማደርገውን ምንም ነገር አያዩልኝም” ብሎ ያዝናል፣ ቤተሰቡ ደግሞ “እኛ ጋር የለህም፣ ሰዓት አትሰጠንም” እያለ ይከፋል… ምግብ አባት ፣ እናት ወይ ባል አይሆንማ!

“A house is built with hands, but a home is built with heart.”

አያመሰግኑም የሚለው narrative ለዚ ነው ማይመቸኝ… ምን ታስባላችሁ?

This used to be a challenge for me. I hadn’t found myself in spaces where people expressed positive feelings and emotions openly, so it wasn’t something that came naturally to me. A friend once told me:
“You’re good with feedback and criticism. You’re upfront and clear about the negative stuff, but you don’t show appreciation or say anything positive about me. And I often wonder what you even like about me.”

As any deflective adult would do, I of course deflected and said that maybe he should be open to taking feedback and use it to improve himself. Someone I cared about came to me to say they didn’t feel appreciated by me, and I added salt to their wounds by replying with “fix yourself” or “be better,” making them feel even more unappreciated.

Am I a bad person? No. If you ask me, I’d tell you I’m actually looking out for them. I saw the things they should improve and I pointed them out with clarity. I intellectualized and focused my energy on logic instead of listening to the feeling they’re sharing dismissing them in the process.

But things do come around, and I found myself at the other end of that coin and I felt the pain of dismissal. The deep hurt. I realized then that I’ve spent years trading connection for correctness. I thought I was being helpful by being ‘logical,’ but I was actually just choosing to be right over being a refuge for the people I love.

Now here I am working on being a better human to other humans. This Sunday, when my friend told me about finishing her first book of the year and I replied with “me too,” she stopped me with: “Wait, let me have this moment.” I paused. I apologized and asked her: “What was the book about? Did you enjoy reading it?” and I listened, validated, and nodded until she let her heart out and held the emotional space she needed from me.

Why am I telling you all this? I’m inviting you to join me on this personal work of ‘being a better human’; to myself first and then to others.

Logic makes for a great shield, but it’s a terrible bridge. Every time I used my ‘rationality’ to dismiss a feeling, I was successfully defending my point of view while losing the person standing right in front of me.

This morning on a conversation with a friend, We were going on about the cold gloomy weather and a he said I like this. I asked what is there to like and he said I can’t stand hot weather. And I thought why are those the only options? Why can’t we like the middle weather? Bright and sunny, not too hot, not too cold. እህእ

This is a harmless conversation yes, but we do the same thing in serious and impactful conversations.

We keep reducing a whole spectrum into extremes.

I speak against fear based parenting and punishment because it harms children. The response is usually you can’t let children be unguided and not face consequences of their actions meaning permissive parenting. Why jump to the other extreme. Why not conscious parenting that guides children without harming them.

I say people should not be allowed to hoard massive wealth while others are suffering in poverty. The response is ‘you socialists want all of us poor’ while defending capitalism and greed. Why is that the only alternative? How about a world where everyone eats and lives a dignified life.

I say men need to be socialized for empathy and emotional awareness because emotional shutdown and harshness harm everyone. The response becomes haven’t you seen the girly men who are too soft and spineless? Again why the extreme. How about strong emotionally regulated compassionate men?

I say women are also shaped by unhealthy socialization and can cause harm through emotional patterns like guilt, silence or manipulation. The response becomes you are excusing men or attacking women. Why does it always go there? How about allowing honest conversations without turning everything into sides.

Why are we so attached to forcing binary choices? Why does every conversation turn into either this or that. And that’s without getting in to the way we disregard other people’s experience and reality because its not on the other extreme. እሱ ላይ ያለኝን ብሶት ሌላ ቀን ቆይ

Does the picture say ‘I’m tired’?

Most real solutions live in the middle. They require nuance balance and the willingness to imagine something better than two bad extremes.

I am exhausted by this kind of reasoning on every topic. I am not asking for perfection or agreement. I am just asking for more complexity and willingness to think beyond extremes.
Is that too much to ask? አበዛሁት?

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The first time I met Loneliness, the feeling and not a person, I was sitting in a large group, chatting away and howling with laughter. I was one of the loudest in the room, yet I remember the exact moment it hit me. There was a wide smile on my face, but inside I felt utterly alone. I’m not sure how I recognized it, having never met the feeling before, but I just knew.

That night I went home and retreated. It became my last attempt at being social for the next six or seven years.

To this day, even though I’ve come out of hiding in search of company and meaningful connection, I still mostly encounter loneliness in the presence of others. I don’t see it as much when I’m by myself.

The irony is that I deeply, deeply crave affection. I want to feel valued, seen, and understood. I don’t just sit around waiting for those things to happen, either; I seek them out. I work for them. But I cannot stomach meaningless relationships. They don’t just bore me; they drain me.

If being with you means feeling unseen, unknown, or misunderstood, if it means I must bend myself into someone I’m not, curate every word, and walk on eggshells, then that isn’t company. That is an emotional burden. Those are the interactions that leave me empty. I don’t want it.

This is why you’ll never find me seeking out people just to avoid being alone. I am making a good friend of myself in the meantime. And when the right type of people come along, I’m here waiting with open arms, doing my own work.

The contentment I’ve found in solitude is a gift I’ll always be grateful for.

Alhamdulillah

Do you ever struggle with that 'this is not where I belong' feeling, even when you're surrounded by people? When you do seek out company, what is it that you are truly looking for?

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I write this from my lived experience observing men who claim leadership in both private and public life and justify it by citing religion or nature, yet rarely practice accountability. When I say “men,” I mean the majority, because too few are doing the work required to lead and listen. These are not the only causes, but they reveal some of the most foundational failures beneath our current crisis.

A reflection on current approaches and why they must change.

Many men are failing to solve our societal problems, and I see two fundamental reasons why:

Firstly, they do not actually know the problems of society because they systematically dismiss and silence women’s voices.

To solve any problem, one must first be aware of its existence. Many men fail to reach this awareness because they have consistently ignored women’s voices. The system is engineered to keep women voiceless, and even when a few manage to break through, they are often only heard by other women. Most men refuse to listen to female scholars, treating them as if they are only “scholars for women.” I once asked an Ustaz if he had listened to the perspective of a specific female scholar, and his response was, “ሴት ላዳምጥ?” (Me, Listen to a woman?)

Many men fail to understand the problems of half the population because they view women’s concerns as mere “noise.” Instead, they look only to male figures and male opinions as the sole sources of truth. This dismissal happens at home as well. When a woman raises an issue that is important to her or troubling her, she is immediately labeled as “Naggy.” The ጨጭቃጫቃ ሚስት (Naggy wife) trope effectively renders women’s voices and experiences irrelevant and meaningless.

Because they do not listen, many men do not truly know society’s problems; they only know their own discomfort. Their comfort and convenience are the only metrics they use to judge whether a society is “good.”

Furthermore, the majority of men lack Rahma, or mercy, a core trait of true leadership. Many were taught “men don’t cry” or “men don’t feel,” pushing emotions underground where they distort judgment without being noticed. In Islam, the quality of a praised leader is described as: “It is by mercy from Allah that you were gentle with them. Had you been harsh or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you.” This shows that leadership is rooted in compassion, not control. Without emotional awareness and regulation, reasoning is compromised. Unchecked fear, pride, or resentment masquerade as logic. Men who act as harsh enforcers rather than merciful leaders cannot see clearly, cannot judge fairly, and cannot lead effectively. Without these capacities, they fail to understand the needs of their households or address societal problems in a meaningful way.

Ultimately, many men are failing to be the solution because they do not do the actual work. They only tell others to “be quiet,” “be patient,” or “sit down.” No real effort is made to fix relationships at home or change internal dynamics. Someone who refuses to do the work cannot bring about change.

Many men who cannot silence the women in their lives often cast themselves as victims of “nagging” rather than confronting the issues and working to resolve them. A man who runs from his home instead of fixing what is broken cannot solve our collective problems.

As for me, I will only change my mind when enough men, the ones who talk so much, come to me and say: “I have taken these specific actions; I have studied these family issues to fix my relationships; I have sat down and listened to these specific women to hear their side of the story; and I am ready to be corrected.” Until then, the silence of their actions speaks louder than their words.

So how do we move forward?1

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