→ 200 spanish flashcards: for anyone who missed it, i FINALLY took the leap & started spanish lessons!!! this is something i have been saying i was going to do for the past FOUR YEARS, so the fact that i’m actually doing it feels very exciting. there’s a kind of self-trust that’s fostered when we finally follow through on something for ourselves, yanno? i go to class every monday & wednesday, & i’ve officially reached the point where the amount of new vocabulary entering my brain each week feels slightly unmanageable. i’ll leave class with my head feeling SO swirly & overwhelmed as i try to grasp onto any of the new info i’ve learned. SO…this week’s solution was apparently: make 200 flashcards (i’m being so serious here, they come in packs of 50 & i used over 4 packs). i’m hoping having something to practice outside of class will help me move more of these words from the “i vaguely recognize this when someone else says it” category into the “i can actually retrieve this word from my own brain when i need it” category. PLEASE lmk if you’ve learned spanish/a second language & have tips or tricks that actually helped things stick!!!

→ 4 baguettes: in this house we don’t restrict food, but this week i DID have to do something after eating an entire baguette in a single sitting LOLLL. because i not only had a stomachache that night but also into the next morning. whooooops. but seriously…why do we take baguettes + butter + jam for granted???? you know when you rediscover the absolute simplest food & suddenly you’re like, “wait, why am i not eating this ALL THE TIME???” that was me this week. i almost never think to eat this combination unless i’m traveling somewhere with a levain nearby (the inspo for this new after-school snack). it’s my new jam ;) (pun intended.)

→ 7 oversized tees: aka the only clothing i want touching my body the second i’m home from work/being out/etc. it’s september. it’s STILL hot. I’M OVER IT. don’t get me wrong: i will always be a hard-pants-hater & i love a comfy fit. but lately, there’s something about coming home & immediately changing into the largest possible t-shirt that i’ve just been CRAVING.

→ 2 scary movies: scary movie season is here! to be fair, as a scary movie lover, i truly believe horror movies can & should be watched all year long. but obviouslyyyy there is something about september arriving that makes watching horror very much more appealing. on one hand, it’s the obvious time of year that just brings that kind of spooky nostalgia, as the nights get shorter. but also i love how it’s the time of year when horror movies are released into the theaters. this week we watched hokum & insidious (the most recent one that came to theaters). hokum was fascinating & i feel like there was a lot about it that kept my brain going even after it ended. & insidious was spooky!! **it’s actually pretty hard to genuinely scare me with a horror movie at this point, but somehow insidious did it. i was literally covering my eyes during a lot of the scenes.

→ 3 bags donated: okay okay, i’ll be honest. “donated” is perhaps a lil generous considering all three bags are currently sitting in the trunk of my car. but they ARE out of my house, so i’ll count that as partial credit ;) why is decluttering itself SO satisfying, but completing the final 5% of the task feels truly so hard to do?? i can go through an entire closet, make decisions about what i actually use, re-organize everything i’m keeping, fill multiple bags, put them in my trunk…and then drive around with them for the next several days as if that’s the new place those things belong.

→ 13 showers: the number of showers i take during the summer months is directly correlated with the number of walks i take potato on. i’m soooooOoO tired of the dallas heat: i’m tired of walking outside & immediately dripping in sweat. i’m tired of taking potato on a walk & immediately needing to hydrate the both of us & cool us down (involves the both of us panting on the ground while our own individual fans blow on us). i’m not even asking texas for cold weather yet, especially since i do LOVE the month of november here in texas. i would simply like to walk outside without changing into minimal clothing & bringing along my mini fan. that’s all.

→ 1 year since the cats: somehow, it has officially been ONE WHOLE YEAR since the cats. if you weren’t here last year: over labor day weekend, we discovered four littttle kittens living underneath our porch. we took them in, fostered them through a local rescue & then of COURSE like these stories go, we fell entirely & absolutely in love with each of their weird, snuggly personalities! we only had those girls for about two months (4 girls, all sisters!), but that little stretch of time feels like its own era of my life. yes, there was constant chaos & pitter pattering of feet & occasional internet outages (looking at you, lupe, when you chewed through the router cord). but overall, it waas just such a special thing, getting to experience the magic of watching these tiny little floofs feel safe, comfortable & ready to explore the world. it’s wild to think that a whole year has passed since we first took them in </3

→ 5 birthday treats for potato: this was simultaneously one of the best & most anxiety-inducing decisions of the past week. it was the best decision because it’s so easy to want to spoil potato (he lets me spoil him WAY too easily). i started the day by bringing him a birthday cupcake, then took him on a long walk followed by a car ride to get a pup cup. then once we got home, i gave him a mega-sized bully stick & then tucked him in for a long daytime nap. when i came home from work, his belly was full of a days’ worth of treats as i was getting ready to leave for the airport. my initial plan was to take potato to his usual sitter’s (we love you shanley!) but then at the last minute, my partner ended up watching potato. it alleviated a lot of stress, knowing that i had less carpooling to do. but at the same time, my partner had never taken care of potato on his own. while i trusted him to figure it all out, i also knew i was leaving him with a dog who only wears diapers & who would likely not have a solid poop for a couple days (see previous: his belly was full of a days’ worth of treats). luckily there weren’t any big messes, and the first official boys’ weekend was a success!

→ 3 crafts made: it’s not until i create a few different things in one week that i realize just how much self-connection i experience while making things. i whipped out the drill & wood saw to make some miniature flower presses (like are you kidding me???) and i also made a charm bracelet & decorated some mini polaroid frames. there’s just something about getting my hands messy (literally, i had glue all over them as i made the picture frames) & not knowing what the end product is going to be until i literally reach the end. i think the world would be a much happier place if everyone had time to create more things. maybe we’d all be kinder to each other, as we realize that nothing is permanent, nothing is perfect, and there are more reasons for delight & curiosity around us than we let ourselves see.

→ 15 hours spent lying in the grass: this number is truly not an exaggeration. the trip i took to utah was to help my little sister, who recently tore her ACL & had surgery. she & i did a few things to help make life easier for her (rented a wheelchair, went grocery shopping, etc.) and we also did a lot of lounging (since she isn’t very mobile at the moment). there’s nothing like lounging in utah grass! it made me nostalgic for my utah life, especially what summers are like there. i miss spending weekends in the mountains, evenings in parks, and just overall not dreading every moment i step outside (like i do now, with the texas heat).

→ 7 episodes of survivor: my partner & i got hooked on survivor during season 50. we started working our way backwards, watching seasons 49 & 48. then we decided: why not start from the beginning? it’s made a lot more sense since now we see how the rules evolve & change (instead of googling “survivor tie rock draw” or “survivor shot in the dark”). we’re currently on season 3, which we hated at the beginning, but now that some of our least favorite players are out (*ahem* lindsey & silas) we’re enjoying it more.

→ 2 brand messages: i used to be resistant to the idea of brand deals & curating my content for partnerships. but i got over that (lol) & am heading towards more intentional opportunities. i’ve honed in on my strategy & one of my new content pillars is potato! in the past week, i’ve gotten messages from two brands that were really exciting—ouai (they already sent their PR package) & bark box (their PR package is in the mail). it’s rewarding & exciting to already see some things coming from my content redirection.

→ 3 kerchiefs: wanna hear a lesser-known fact about me? i have a large head. hahaha, but really—when i was born, the doctors were worried that i might have some issues due to the large size of my brain. turns out i’m just really smart ;) but also turns out almost no hats ever fit me :( so when bandanas took off as a spring hairstyling trend, i didn’t even attempt to see if i could wear any, figuring they wouldn’t tie well or they would look funny on my big(ger) head. i recently tried wearing some of my handker kerchiefs & was proven wrong—they tied perfectly well & they didn’t look funny at all! i haven’t stopped wearing them almost daily, since it’s a way to pull my side bangs out of my face (which are driving me BONKERS especially in this texas heat, when they instantly plaster to my face sweat as soon as i step outside). you can plan to catch me in a kerchief probably every day from here on out.

→ 6 popsicles: trader joe’s has the most perfect popsicles right now—these pineapple coconut bars! i’m a hoe for anything coconut or pineapple. these are sooooo creamy & almost remind me of dole pineapple whip. i only ate one box because i was traveling, but i have two boxes in my freezer that i’ll probably work my way through EASILY this weekend.

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so when i found myself binging four straight episodes in one sitting (with a stupid lil smile), i was almost annoyed at myself. but as i texted all my close people “have you seen off campus? if not, i just gave you your next show to watch RIGHT NOW” the reasoning came very easily when i tacked on why they should watch it: “it’s like a steamy version of high school musical but it ALSO has so much tender trauma healing!”

so yes, i soaked up the entire show in less than 72 hours. and while i’m realistic enough to acknowledge this is veeeeeery much a fictional story & these dynamics are very much the exception instead of the stereotypical rule in our patriarchal society….it was really fun, silly & lovely to get swept away into the unpredictable story line.

so…here are all the ways that off campus healed me (just a lil):

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i used to hear this everywhere i went. people weren’t wrong—i was a lot of fun! when i think about most of my twenties, there are a lot of things that even make me say “d*ng, i WAS so much fun!”

fun things including, but not limited to:

• winning a 24-hour amazing race competition with my friends. not only was it fun enough to compete & win (!) but the prize was a free backpacking trip to ecuador (!)

• booking a hot air balloon flight just because

• rollerblading 21 miles with a friend to a destination multiple cities away (we walked some of those miles)…also just because

• writing an intricate murder mystery party with my friend, despite the fact we had never been to one ourselves (the whole reason we decided to write one was because we wanted to go to one). not only was it fun, it went better than we could have expected (one of our two dozen friends in attendance didn’t know we had written it & they were shocked at the news)

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on christmas eve, i spent a lovely night with myself. this was an intentional decision i made, to spend the holidays alone. it has been an exhausting year--specifically, an exhausting past few months. while connection with others is everything to me, connection with self is also everything to me. i knew i needed this time away from others so i could be generous with myself as i refilled my cup & attended to my needs.

being generous with myself is something that has taken time to learn. being generous with others has always been easy, almost too easy. there have been far too many instances where my generosity has been taken advantage of. as i generously gave my compassion, ideas, encouragement, excitement, listening ear, invitations & presence, i found that i wasn't always given generously in return. it has taken years of processing, unlearning & redefining, but i finally understood that i’ve let others take advantage of my generosity.

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some therapists see 3 clients a day. some see 8. some vary & see more some days, less on others. some choose to spread clients out with breaks in-between, some push on through. some want to work just 3 days a week, some prefer 5-6 days a week. some work weekends, some work nights. some only work mornings.

i will ALWAYS perk up when a conversation starts online between therapists where someone shares how many clients they see in a day. you know why i perk up? because this conversation often has a lot of judgment swirling around it. as i’ve been part of conversations (in person & on social media) about the number of clients seen per day, i notice that one therapist’s answer is usually met with a double-punctuation reaction from another therapist. “you see 7 clients a day?! aren’t you exhausted?!”

which brings me to a lesson i’ve learned. i’ll share it here for anyone willing to hear this lesson & see how/if it applies to them:

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10. the way that elder kennedy helps to enable mr. reed’s character. men have power. men do the bare minimum. men don’t rock the boat because the boat is made for men. there was no chance that elder kennedy would have saved the sisters, i knew that as soon as we could start to see his man-brain wheels start churning (then slowing). 

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these others come to laugh with us, to hug us, they come cheering.
but perhaps, if we allow it to, the Sad will do the fixing.

what if we lost the social norm of this “bad day” emotion?
and welcomed all the guests who come through this inner plosion?

the first guest is quite obvious. Pain—he knows us all.
we’ve known him ever since we took our first steps and our falls.

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there is definitely an important aspect of facing the reality of things, but i’m focusing on the positives today because the negatives were piling up too high for me late last night. a first positive: po went to the bathroom this morning when we took him outside! this shows his brain & body are making important connections again like holding it in until he gets to go out. that’s encouraging!—and i mean that when i say it! i was tearing up with relief & hope as i wiped his bottom clean (i have a newfound appreciation for all those who are physical caretakers). 

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having thyroid cancer has changed me. it’s been a time of deep uncertainty, heavy processing & immense gratitude. i’ve felt afraid & out-of-control (i developed contamination OCD through this process & it has visibly spiked during weeks/periods of more uncertainty). and i’ve also felt so, so lucky & loved. here is a list of the things i’ve learned since having thyroid cancer. 

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today i found out i might have cancer. 

i don’t remember everything the doctor told me—i held onto the important information and found myself feeling surprised at how logical and detached i was. it reminded me of thursday, just a few days ago, when my sonogram results were emailed to me two minutes before i jumped into a therapy session. i couldn’t understand much of the report but i could understand the words “highly suspicious”. that was all i needed to read to start spiraling. but then it was 10:00am, time for my first session. so i clicked the video call link and suddenly all the focus was on the client in front of me. isn’t distraction is a beautiful thing?

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