the letting go...of people, things, beliefs, perspectives, habits, careers, and so much more. or that once you go all in on the process, you can’t really go back... you’ll never be the same as you once were. that version of you. gone.

even if you are not fully healed (and we never really are; there is always work to be done, as it should be). but your awareness is heightened. you notice where you don’t fit into the world you once did, and you are left wondering if that world will accept the version of you that you are becoming, or if you are left with goodbyes in your future because you can’t stay the same.

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it’s like this beautiful gift we are given is also our own wound we must heal in our lifetime.

i have been told, i have this ability to make others feel seen, safe, and provide a space to allow them to be their true authentic self. the cashier at the grocery store will be telling me her life story, i will find myself having the deepest conversations with perfect strangers, or i walk away from a chiropractor appointment knowing this person’s full life story with intimate details...

i am beyond grateful for this gift, because to my deepest core, i want to provide that to people. i don’t know how or what i do that creates that, but i hope it never changes.

all that said, i have also walked through most my life feeling unseen. afraid to show all of me in fear that it wouldn’t be handled with the same care as i try to provide for others.

but is that even necessary?

i am working on a challenge through To Be Magnetic called the Be Seen Challenge. my goals are really just wanting to become comfortable with showing up authentically and also being okay if others don’t like or even love that version of me.

growing up i have felt like a chameleon... just adapting who i was to meet people where they are at, and while there is beauty in that, i always felt they never got the true me, and if they saw the full version of me, they may leave.

as i am getting older and working through this, i am realizing that being loved or being “seen” for a version of me that isn’t the FULL version (the most authentic version) is so much scarier.

all i ever wanted was to be liked by everyone, for them to feel comfortable around me, and i was willing to adapt to make that happen. but now i am realizing that i am the one who loses every time in that scenario.

what if i were to go my whole life scared of being seen? not experiencing this lifetime as my true authentic self just because i was afraid of others’ thoughts or words. what an actual waste of existence.

i have reached a point where i am really truly exhausted of holding myself back because of fear. all i am doing is limiting myself. i am finding that i would rather walk this earth as ME, and if others are not a fan...they can walk away. honestly, that would be okay. not easy, but okay and probably the best for everyone.

the more i become in alignment with myself and show up as her, unafraid, the more i am able to really make others feel more seen, safe, and accepted. i deeply believe that to be true.

so the real fear isn’t to be seen...it is to be seen as a version of you that isn’t the full authentic version.

- Emily

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she told me i had an author’s chart. that i was meant to be a guide or teacher, someone who takes complex information or my own experiences and shares them in a way that helps others in transformational seasons. a handful of other details lined up to what i had been feeling internally for awhile.

i had full-on chills.

here’s the thing though...i already knew my reading might say a few of these things. i have been studying astrology for a few years now, and i knew my own chart was confirming what my intuition had been nudging me towards from the research i had done before. but i kept questioning if i was wrong in understanding my chart (astrology is so deeply layered), putting myself into analysis paralysis and making it so hard to objectively find the clarity i desperately needed.

for context, i have a business that i am really good at. i have a different approach to web design. i have clients that leave voice notes crying because of what i have created for them and how i made them feel so seen. i make sure to create an experience that is far more than they imagined, leaving their businesses far better than they were before. i am really proud of this and so honored to be a small part of their stories...and still, i found myself questioning so much lately.

and because I have been going through a really hard season for the past 5 years or so, with so much transformation and change...i find myself questioning my own questioning. talk about a never-ending circle. one minute i would convince myself i had the same level of passion for my business as i once did, and then the next day i would be at a low again with my intuition pointing me in a different direction. honestly, this emotional roller coaster has been exhausting, and i was truthfully sick of my own shit.

did i need to push through and keep going in my business...maybe make some changes to offers, or was i being led down a completely different path?

so i took to tiktok scrolling to ignore the internal turmoil, as one does...and i came across an astrologer i was just drawn to. coincidence? i think not.

i watched a few of her videos, trusted her immediately, saw she offered career readings, and knew i needed an outsider’s perspective of my chart. i signed up hoping for clarity.

i got it, alright.

how this worked was, i gave her my birth info, and she sent me a video reading of my chart along with a very detailed write-up and a follow-up zoom call to ask any questions. that’s where the author’s chart came up, along with something else that stopped me in my tracks...she told me i am in a 6 house year, and that is all about creating rituals and foundational systems.

for awhile now i have been getting signs to write, to share my knowledge, to become certified in human design/astrology/soul contracts (literally in the process of getting my certification these last few months), to help others with these tools, to start showing up on social media when i have been a hermit for so long, to regulate my nervous system, journal more, and build foundationalsystems and rituals for myself.

i genuinely have been telling anyone who will listen that i feel deeply pulled to creating a morning ritual of movement, meditation, and journaling. i had no idea why it would be the answer to anything, but i have been desperately wanting to implement it. and i will...but i have a newly 3 year old that apparently has different plans for my mornings at the moment.

this whole experience just proved that i was not going crazy, that these nudges towards other opportunities were intentional, and that in order to get to the other side of this hard season...it might require me to take a chance on a different direction.

now that i have the clarity i desperately needed and wanted...i am just working through the emotions of excitement, being slightly scared of the shift, and also feeling confident from the intuitive nudges i received, which makes me believe it all even more.

one thing i really think is a great reminder from all of this is...a therapist often needs a therapist, a coach needs a coach, a designer often desires to have a designer, a hairstylist needs a stylist too. sometimes we are just too close to the subject (me/you) that we can’t see the big picture objectively. we need someone else to paint us the picture. just because i have studied and researched my own chart for years now...i still needed someone else to just tell me how it is.

so now what?

well, i honestly am letting myself come down from this exciting high and just soak in the information (a tool from human design). but i can say that it’s giving me the permission to put more time and love into my writing and certifications that I had already started on. from there, my story is still unfolding.

- Emily

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somehow, i turn my eyes to the window, hoping it holds the words for how i want to articulate my feelings. this isn’t even the first draft of this article. i already wrote this whole piece, and i just came back to reread and sit with it for a second...and here i am... starting over.

the simplicity of it is, today is my last day my baby is two, and i have been crying on and off about it since last week, for so many different reasons, but not for the ones you may think.

i have written before about having this deep “knowing” as a child that I wouldn’t have kids until i was in my thirties. this “knowing” always gave me peace with my timeline. to be fair, i also assumed that my children would be closer in age or i would have more...but that is just not how the story unfolded, which is more than okay with me , because i know it was intentional long before we all came earth side together.

something about her turning three just stirred up unexpected emotions. while she has been “not a baby” for a while now, two still seems like i am able to hold on to the “baby” season just a bit longer...i can really drag it out in my mind by her still sleeping in a crib, the way she still says “hold me” rather than wanting to walk everywhere, or the way at night she still whimpers “mommy, i need you” in her cute baby voice that doesn’t pronounce the words just right yet.

but three, for some reason, feels like many chapters closing for me.

i wasn’t prepared for the way it would make me feel, the thoughts it would drive up inside, or what it represented for me...not just her.

i had always heard people say when they had their last baby, they felt like their family was complete, like an intuitive knowing. a sense of completion.

i never had that. i had the opposite.

and not because i am not overjoyed or madly in love with the family we have created; it was because of something else.

when i was pregnant with dottie, i was considered a geriatric pregnancy due to being 38. so maybe subconsciously I assumed this would be my last baby, but i never said those words out loud. in fact, my husband and i casually, jokingly talked about having more while i was pregnant. maybe it was the bliss of the season we were in, or maybe it was a way to hold on to that idea even though we deep down knew it most likely wouldn’t happen.

now, three years later, he says things like “if we were younger, we would most likely have more kids” when my oldest asks us if we want more children.

i would be lying if i said I don’t daydream about what life would be like if we got pregnant again. however, now i also think about how that would change things for our sweet girls. now that they are getting older, we have so many adventures we want to go on and memories we want to make. a baby would change that timeline. with our ages now, we think about how old we will be when our girls hit a certain age, or if they are like us and have kids later...will we be around to witness that?

i’m genuinely so excited for the season we are in and what is in store for us, in the same breath, i can’t help but think about the day dottie was born.

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i looked at my husband and said, “omg! we are 100% having another one.” i was so certain and thought about what it would be like if we had irish twins.

from a very young age i always said I would have four kids. my husband remembers me telling him that when we first started dating, and i am sure he thought i was delusional at the time. but specifically, i had this vision of a boy, and that vision came with a name. it felt like many of the “knowings” i had as a kid, so naturally, i felt it would unfold to be true like all the others did.

now that i know it won’t, i wonder about that soul...boy that i felt so tied to for so long.

and i don’t know what to do with that. it feels like someone i was supposed to meet but never will, and i wonder what the point in that was?

although i know that name will likely live on my baby names list inside my phone forever, i keep it locked away with me. probably as a way to try to keep the door open.

dottie turning three feels like many chapters closing...my sweet beautiful girl not being a baby anymore, me never having a baby again, and the name that will live on a list that i will never delete.

- Emily

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“sitting here reading my solar return reading as you text! c’mon gemini season!”

i should note that we are old friends and former coworkers, so late-night texts were not considered unprofessional lol.

at the time i was deep into enneagram and human design but had not dabbled much in astrology aside from random rabbit holes i would go down years ago. but this was also a year or more into my rock bottom + grief season that i wrote about here, but i was also in a spiritual awakening (wrote about that also). naturally, as I was working through this season, i was DEEPLY searching for meaning, guidance, purpose, and hope.

our chat continued on with us both pulling up our charts, her reading mine, us comparing each of our charts since we are both geminis. it honestly felt good for someone to see me, my qualities, my struggles, what it felt like to be me... but is also felt horrifying and vulnerable all the same. but that exact feeling was no coincidence... it was how i was made to feel. my chart proved it.

that conversation would be the beginning of my deep journey into astrology, and something i now consider a beautiful manual for life.

at the time i deeply wanted to have my chart read, but that wasn’t something that was doable for me, so i had to get scrappy and utilize my research rabbit holes to learn more. (something very emily chart coded lol)

at first, i just felt deeply seen, which is something i desperately needed at the time. it also gave me deep empathy for myself, not in a victim sort of way, but in the way of understanding myself, having compassion for who i was and all those years of thinking something was wrong with me...just finding out that i was intentionally crafted this way.

in a way, it felt like loving myself for the first time.

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you may be thinking “emily, what could you possibly uncover that would move you so deeply?“

and while i don’t have time to list it all out, some of the first things that stood out to me were my sun, moon, and rising.

the big three, as people call it.

my sun and my moon are literally opposite each other in the sky, an almost exact full moon happening the moment i was born. and my rising sits at a hard angle to both of them, forming this triangle.

this explained something i’d felt my whole life and never had language for. i had always felt like a walking contradiction in how i presented myself, my feels, and then just who i was in general. it was weird, confusing, and annoying, truthfully.

the need/desire to be fully seen and expressed, coupled with the fear of actually doing it. living in one body but being pulled in opposite directions, all the time.

so often people would meet me and have this version of me in their head as intimidating, shy, quiet, etc., and I’d feel like this completely different person, and I couldn’t understand why.

turns out it was literally that amazing little triangle...my sun, moon, and rising.

and then the smaller details started stacking on top of that. a placement that pointed toward writing, speaking, being published, the kind of career i wasn’t even living yet but somehow already knew was mine. another that explained, plainly, why a 9 to 5 had never once felt survivable to me, not because i lacked discipline, but because freedom wasn’t optional in my chart, it was required.

reading that exact chart again today, further into this journey and my own healing, it’s crazy how much more makes sense now than even that day 2 years ago. but even then, half-understood, it was enough.

i wasn’t a walking contradiction because something was wrong with me. i was built in tension, on purpose, and once i saw the shape of it, i could finally stop fighting it. i could say my strengths and where I need to overcome some of my setbacks to achieve the life i was meant to live in this lifetime.

i wasn’t made with defects, as i spent most of my life thinking; every detail that makes me who I am was crafted with purpose.

- Emily

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since i have the diy disease of, seeing something and thinking i can absolutely figure out how to make it myself, i made a fancy little journal. i even made some as gifts for my best friends.

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here is a little secret I am going to let you in on. having the journal does not make you write.

that beautiful journal, made with the best intentions, collected dust.

recently something shifted inside again, and i found myself reaching for that dusty leather journal and at the same time, feeling the pull to share my words here in this space.

two things that feel both natural and unnatural for me. which is probably the point to my purpose.

but this morning, i sat down to do my morning pages. two minutes in, my hand started aching. it felt like my body went into fight or flight, like i had to write as fast and as much as possible just to get the thoughts out of me before they disappeared.

it didn’t feel like the cozy, slow, grounded practice i had watched on all those tiktoks. but i knew, regardless of how unnatural it is for me, the hesitation in my soul to write my thoughts (very south node scorpio of me), and even with the ache in my hand… this is what i am meant to do.

this got me thinking about why i have wanted to write my whole life and never allowed myself to.

as a kid i craved it, a place to free the thoughts stuck in my head. but i also had this deep need to be perfect, to be liked, to not ruffle feathers. an issue with worthiness that started early and never fully left. so i kept my thoughts locked inside, afraid of someone finding them, reading them, and it changing how they saw me.

i think that’s a pretty common fear for people who do not journal or hit publish...a fear of being found.

but now, older and in a season of healing and transition, i keep feeling called to it. it’s very taurus north node coded. that slow, grounded, deserving of time energy, the version of me who takes up space without rushing or with the fear of being seen.

i write because i know that higher version of me already does. she is grounded. she takes her time. i am just catching up to her.

but i also write for deeper reason.

these last few years have held a lot of loss...grandparents and, unexpectedly..my father-in-law. i have wondered what their real story was, how they felt during certain seasons of their life, what they carried that i never got to ask about. i wanted to know their inner thoughts, not to fill in gaps, but to understand and appreciate them more fully. to know their soul.

i wished they had left something i could read. i wished i could hear their story in their own words, their perspective, their hurt, their joy. i wanted to witness their human experience through their own hand.

we are all walking through this life for the first time. even the people we have lost, they were doing this exact thing too, figuring it out as they went, just as we are. when i learned to understand this, my empathy and curiosity for their inner dialogue grew, but it was too late.

i want my words to outlive me. i want someone, someday, to know me through my own sentences instead of someone else’s memory of me. maybe a stranger. maybe my own people, long after i’m gone, finally getting the version of me i wished i’d gotten of the ones i lost.

so i fight the urge to keep it all to myself. and somehow, that little girl who was too afraid to write a single word is now the one hitting publish.

because what if my words are my legacy?

if i don’t write it down, it dies with me.

- Emily

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that’s me.

in this season of life, SO MUCH is changing emotionally, spiritually, and professionally, so I am in the middle of standing in front of a mirror asking the reflection…”who the hell are you?!”

in a time where i need to feel seen the most, it is the hardest to show up as me because life is not perfect right now, i am not the version of myself i know i am growing to become, i am a work in progress, coming out of the hardest season of my life, and things are just confusing.

but as i have aged, i know that many of us live parallel lives…the details may not be all the same, but the feelings are pretty spot on. so shouldn’t we just put it all out there? find our people?

i think so.

so with that, i thought i would reintroduce myself, my intentions with this space, and whatever else i feel compelled to share.

at the time of writing this, i have 17 subscribers, 15 of those are complete and utter strangers. i can’t get over that, it’s so damn cool, and I am FOREVER grateful.

when i started this space it felt sacred. i had a vision of it being a place where I could write my truest thoughts, my perspectives, show my authentic self (all versions), and just share my heart in hopes that others would find it comforting or even helpful.

four people in my personal life know about this substack, and two subscribe. the rest of you chose to be here, which is proof that we should get over our fear of being seen and just say hello. :)

so who am i?

I am someone who feels like they have lived many lives in this lifetime, and i have a feeling i have many more to go.

i was born in a small midwest town in kansas and i dreamed of getting away and living in NYC. i grew up being known as an athete an traveled across the US doing club track, basketball, and volleyball. i even went on to run college track, but my passions have always been more on the creative side.

i deeply love music, and in another life I think that is the route i would have gone down if I hadn’t been fearful of it.

while in college I changed my major mannnnny times. interior design, fashion merchandising, and social work were just a few majors i had. if it was up to me, i would have 12 degrees just so I could study all my interests. after reading the book “tuesdays with morrie” in one night, everything changed for me. i immediatly when to my advisor the next day and changed my major to sociology, and that was it. it was truly fascinating to me.

after collge I went on to study cosmetology, and that i what I did for awhile. i moved to austin, tx and made so many memories and met so many people. I even had a client who was a college professor of sociology and had actually met Morrie Schwartz from the book “tuesdays with morrie.” I still remember that full body feeling I had when she told me. It really felt like a spiritual moment.

i was in my 20s, living life as one does, and then my grandma passed away. it rocked me to my core, and I went down a path of questioning everything. i even contemplated moving back home to go back to college…and I did. at least for a semester HA.

then love walked into my story.

from a VERY young age I have always had this deep knowing that I would only fall in love with one man and that I would have kids later in life. it’s kinda a weird thing to just know but I voiced this very matter-of-factly to many people…so there are witnesses to this lol.

but, at no surprise to me, it was in face true.

my little sister introduced me to my now husband. and that is a story for another day…but exactly one year to the day of my grandmas death, he asked me to be his girlfriend and had no idea of the significance of the day. and that my friends, was a beautiful nod of approval from my grandma if i do say so myself.

he was and is the only man I have ever fallen in love with or told that I loved them.

we went on to marry ( i was 28) and then have two beautiful little girls. (I was 32 + 38 so little emily knew what she was talking about lol)

back in my 20s I became obsessed with blogging. i read books about it, took courses, built it, named it (pearls and arrows lol), and then l overthought it so much that i didn’t follow through with it. Later on in my 30s, I created another blog, and it actually landed me a job in social media at an agency.

i loved writing, and i loved designing the website. subtle foreshadowing

right before the pandemic I lost two grandparents, and then during the pandemic i lost my father-in-law. and if i am honest, just writing that last sentence brought me to tears. it changed me and was the beginning of the hardest seasons of my life.

after his death, i decided to go out on my own and start my own business. life is just too short.

i focused on Pinterest marketing and then had a huge red flag detour. you can read about that HERE. but eventually i landed where I am now…web design. because of my hard season, it has had me questioning parts of the business these last few years and it has shifted it some, but i am excited for where it is going (template shop) and i LOVE working with some of the most incredible women business owners.

but writing never left me…that’s how I came to substack. i was craving a new form of expression. so much of me was/has been going through a life transition that I just wanted my own space of stillness to be me while the world was spinning around me.

i contemplated starting a substack for too long. but i kept getting signs from God, the universe, my angels, my guides…seriously SO MANY. to the point where i would tell my best friends and my mom and they were like “holy shit” lol.

of course i questioned what i would even say, what would people want to read from me? i mean i still struggle with this but at the same time… what if i can put a voice to what others might be feeling? what if my story could help others? what if my perspectives could shift something inside others?

my intentions are simple. to stop hiding myself and to be fully seen for my thoughts, story, perspectives, authenticity, and growth.

i crave for my words to make others feel seen.

but if i'm being honest, i'm doing this because i spent the hardest season of my life disappearing.

and maybe, if i write it all down honestly enough, i'll finally be able to answer my reflection in the mirror when she asks “who the hell am i?”

- Emily

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i didn’t fully understand what it was about but i was highly intrigued. at that time in life, i was deep in grief after my father in law passed while also trying to build a business from the ground up at the same time. there were so many emotions and pressure racing through my body at that time, so i often resorted to books or podcasts that shifted something in my mindset, allow me to grow or offer a new perspective…this book seemed to fit that bill.

so i ordered it that night, not realizing that that simple act would be the start of something i never imagined.

i didn’t expect it to change everything.

my belief system.
my grief.
my thoughts on religion and church.
my thoughts on the people in my life.
my choices.
my thoughts on past lives.

what i was reading made so much sense to my soul and scared me in the same breath. i was co-reading it with a few friends, which helped to have people to discuss all of it with, but personally, my whole world was changing, and I didn’t feel prepared.

i knew after i finished the book that i wasn’t the same person anymore, and it was just the beginning of what some people would call a spiritual awakening.

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There are only a few people who have been with me and ridden this roller coaster of a transitional season. They have listened to every tear, every long Marco Polo, never judged when one day I think I have figured it out and the next I feel so lost again. They have encouraged me, called out my gifts, supported me, and never complained, even when they have to be tired of hearing the same song, different verse. Because I am.

But they are still here. And they still send me little things like this reel with a quote that make me feel seen when I feel the most unlike myself. It makes me feel full of gratitude and hope. Because we all have our own problems, but they still show up for mine.

This reel brought tears to my eyes for a whole new reason and sparked thoughts I have had but never put into words. For about six years, I have been working through a hard season, but the last three to four have made me feel like I am living in the twilight zone. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, what I am supposed to be doing, and it feels never-ending.

I know I'm not alone in this. I see so many people going through something similar right now. But I never hear anyone talk about what it might be like for the people around you, the ones you love most, while you're in it.

While I know deep in my soul that I will get through this, it makes me sad for my girls. This is such an important time in their life where they NEED me, and I am stuck in this spiritual awakening, deep dive of trying to figure out who I am, what I am doing, and so much more. When I dreamed of motherhood, I didn’t dream this part up.

It seems so unfair to them, and I hate that. I know they can feel it… especially my oldest. The stress, the worry, the thousands of thoughts racing through my mind, no matter how hard I try to compartmentalize.

Many days it feels like I am just going through the motions of what old me would do while internally I am trying to figure out who the new me is.

I am tired of my girls having this in between version.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small town.
Maybe it’s because they are really good people.
Maybe it’s an unspoken bond.

And honestly, maybe I am the only one who feels this way. I dunno.

But recently, one of the girls I grew up with experienced the tragic loss of her child.

It’s gut-wrenching and unimaginable to hear this news ever. But when you hear this news about someone you know, you grew up with, and you witnessed the joy of motherhood and unconditional love she has for her child through social media…it never leaves your mind. You constantly think about it and wish you could say or do anything to help.

We weren’t best friends, but we shared lots of memories and were from the same small town...the same class, which feels like a kind of quiet loyalty that doesn’t require maintenance to stay true.

However, a while back, I realized we were no longer friends on social media. I noticed, the way you notice these things, unexpectedly, a shock, a small, stupid sting. I turned it over in my head more than I care to share. Did I say something? Did I do something? I let it settle into that category of things you just have to accept and leave alone.

Then I found out her child had passed. suddenly and tragically. and everything else fell away.

I wanted to reach out. desperately.

But I sat there second-guessing myself because what if she removed me for a reason? What if hearing from me was the last thing she needed? I wanted to respect whatever boundary she’d drawn, even silently.

But I also kept thinking: what if she doesn’t know I’m thinking about her? What if she doesn’t know that if she needs me, I am here?

So nervously, I sent the message. short. no expectations attached. I knew there was a good chance she wouldn’t see it, but if she did, she would know I was here.

She did respond. And a deep sigh of relief overcame me when I saw my message was met with gratitude.

I couldn’t make it to the service, too far, life with kids, the logistics that feel like excuses even when they aren’t. But I heard from friends that so many people from our class showed up.

Hearing that warmed my heart and confirmed my thoughts that I have had all these years.

I know that not everyone has grown up in a town like mine or with classmates like mine. But I do know that when we have a chance to show up for people... even imperfectly, even when you’re not sure it’s welcome, even when it’s a stranger, it’s almost always worth it.

Send the message. Go to the thing. Say the kind thought out loud instead of just thinking it in the car.

make the connection.

The worst case is usually just... silence. And silence is survivable.

But the times it lands? Those stay with people. Those stay with you.

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Emily, in her twenties... could NEVER.

The shift didn’t happen dramatically. Not in the way where you can point to one moment and say that’s when everything changed. More like a slow accumulation of noticing.

Noticing that I was exhausted in a way that sleep wasn’t fixing. That I was reaching for my phone before I even fully woke up. That my environment felt cluttered in a way that was making my brain feel cluttered too. That I kept saying I was fine when I was overstimulated and getting upset so much quicker, over the smallest things.

Once I noticed these things...I then started noticing the intuitive nudges and/or signs I would get...

A podcast about nervous systems popping up out of nowhere. My manifestation app (To Be Magnetic) starting a nervous system challenge. A reel about somatic workouts. Remembering that over a year ago, I bought a 30-day somatic program and never even opened it. Oracle cards continuing to tell me to meditate...once I saw them...I SAW them.

My nervous system had been trying to talk to me for a while. I just wasn’t listening.

I found myself researching “how to know if your nervous system is shot?” “how to heal your nervous system,” and “somatic workouts.”

Honestly, this is when I knew I had entered a new era of life...I was older and cared more about how I FELT than how I looked when it came to wellness. I mean, I actually learned that HIIT workouts were not great for me at this point, and so much more. It was very eye-opening and kinda funny because I had already felt a pull to so many things that were new to me.

Now, something to know about me, I LOVE a quiz that is going to tell me something about myself. When I saw a quiz that was going to tell me what time of nervous system issues I was working with and what I needed to do...it was an immediate ‘yes’ for me.

What was so crazy is I have been on this journey of becoming, and I have been saying I feel RIGHT THERE...so close and I am so ready.... but I also feel stuck. Like, why has this not happened? Why am I not in a better place? Get me to that other timeline, please.

Well, this quiz literally told me I was The Frozen Visionary - Stuck At The Edge Of Expansion.

Um, yes. Yes, I am.

Basically, my nervous system believes it’s not safe at this next level of where I want to go. This tracked with a podcast I had listened to, and I just couldn’t believe it.

Immediately, I knew it was time to make a change.

I dove into a little more research and figured out some simple ways to make some consistent changes that would help me feel better, be a better mom, wife, business owner, friend...

These are the things I am incorporating. I am only JUST beginning, and welcome more tips anyone may have.

Here’s what that looks like for me right now. Small, imperfect, in progress:

01. I Decluttered & Cleaned My Space

My environment is my nervous system made visible. When things around me feel chaotic, I feel chaotic. So I cleared surfaces, unsubscribed from emails that were adding noise, and reworked not just my spaces but my kids’ spaces too.

Basically, I channeled my inner Marie Kondo and went to town!

What was funny is that afterward, I saw the moon was in Virgo at this time, and apparently that gives off the organization & decluttering energy... so that tracked for me.

It feels SO GOOD. I still need to tackle more spaces in our home, but with each room I get through, it feels like closing an open tab or two in my brain.

02. I’m Starting a 30-Day Somatic Practice

Now I need to be honest, I don’t really know what this means or what it looks like, but I keep seeing so much information on it, and it looks like something I need.

So when I realized I had purchased a program over a year ago and just never even opened it...I felt like that was a sign to get started.

I’ve been in my head my whole life. Somatic work is about coming back into the body, learning to feel what’s actually happening instead of thinking your way through everything. I am starting this next week after we get home from traveling. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway.

03. Meditation, Again

I always come back to meditation, and I always fall off. My brain doesn’t really do quiet. It does loops. It does 47 tabs open at once. It does “wait, what was I even thinking about before I started thinking about that?”

Meditation is just not something that comes naturally or easily to me, but I have heard others say this, and I know that it is a practice.

So many signs have pointed in the direction of needing a mediation practice, and I am starting to understand why.

It doesn’t have to be super long...it can be five minutes in the car, a walking meditation, or just 15 minutes in the morning.

I’ve been using Insight Timer for guided meditations and doing the DIs in the To Be Magnetic app. YouTube has a ton of options, too. The goal for me, is to make this a consistent practice in my life.

04. Choosing What I Consume More Intentionally

What I consume shapes how I feel. What I read, who I follow, and what I listen to. I’m paying more attention to what leaves me feeling expanded versus what leaves me feeling small, anxious, behind, or not enough. This is ongoing work. Probably forever work.

Similar to my emails, I have unfollowed accounts on social media, consume less television, and read the books that bring joy to me or educate me, and have even stopped listening to certain podcasts.

I used to love true crime, and what I realized is that it was not intentionally serving anything good in my life. It actually spiked my cortisol and gave me mom anxiety, one more thing to worry about.

Now, if there is something I want to watch like this, I make sure I am in the headspace to do so.

I have also found that Pinterest and Substack are my happy places. I can feel my body relax when I go to these. Pinterest, with its beautiful aesthetics, not just calms me, but inspires me creatively... it also feels like I am visually manifesting my future.

Substack makes me feel well-rounded, connected, and that I am slowing down to consume another creator’s work. It feels grounding to me.

05. Studying Human Design & Astrology To Live By My Design

I mentioned I love a good personality quiz, so it is no surprise that I am obsessed with Human Design and Astrology. For years, I have secretly studied these tools...and recently, I made the decision to become a certified reader. It’s something that felt so natural to me, and I can’t wait to share more on how I use it personally and professionally in the future.

We are all uniquely made, and I realized that there were lots of “experts” out there telling me how I should do this, or do it this way, etc., and it just didn’t work for me. It was more frustrating in the end.

Once I discovered why I felt a pull to routines but couldn’t make them work, or why I couldn’t make a decision, or why my brain worked this way... I immediately felt relief and had a better understanding of myself and how I worked.

For example, I have been having this crazy pull to start a morning routine. I know I need that alone time to start the day, but it is so hard for me. Once I dove into my chart, it made SO MUCH SENSE, and it helped me to reframe things or structure them in a way that felt aligned for me, and not frustrated.

I think, at its core, nervous system regulation is just living intentionally. Which seems simple enough, but for many of us, we have lost ourselves along the way, we have pushed aside how we feel and our desires for so long that we don’t even notice them, or we simply put the ones we love before ourselves.

Although these are simple actions, they are work.

So if you are on this journey with me, let’s not forget to give ourselves grace.

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Back during the pandemic, I took a huge leap of faith and started my business. If I am honest, it was scary, but it really felt like that was exactly what I had made for… entrepreneurship.

Things were going well; I had clients from all over the world, met amazing other women who had taken the same leap of faith, and I got to help contribute to their dream while working together. I can’t tell you what that feeling does to my soul.

Then something happened.

I ignored my own intuition. I ignored the red flags.

I gave up my business to help build someone else’s… someone I knew… someone I believed could do what their goal was….but for all my life that I had known them… something always felt off. I never felt like they liked me.

Look, I know what you may be thinking….why the hell did you take this opportunity?

I wonder that myself on many days, but there were lots of reasons.

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Security. I had been hoping and praying we would have another child, and I thought having a solid foundation, maternity leave, and an income I could count on would be the smart thing to do for my family.

Growth. I kinda thought maybe this was a test for me to grow and surround myself with people who make me uncomfortable and challenge me so I become better.

Pressure. There is so much pressure when you are a solo entrepreneur. You have to do it all. You have to be consistent, and that can be sooo much. While my intuition was off the charts… it also allowed me to breathe.

These were some of the main reasons, and at first, I was going to keep my business as a side gig. It seemed I was getting the best of both worlds.

But it quickly became impossible to do that.

My role became beyond stressful, and after a few random and impromptu firings in other part of this person’s business…more help was even needed from me, and I was somehow doing two full-time jobs.

During this time, we received some of the best news…we were pregnant. It felt like a dream. Although work was crazy, and I was crying way too often…it also felt like clarity on why I took this opportunity to begin with… at least for this moment.

Since I knew this person personally, I wanted to give them as much time as I could to prepare for my maternity leave…especially because I had been doing two positions.

So I did.

And not soon after, I got a random Slack message that I was let go.

It got worse, but I don’t feel like this is the space to share every detail at this point. But that was the start of my rock bottom.

I was in shock. I was (am) lost. I was stressed. I was really angry…at this person…and more so at MYSELF. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I was forcing myself to be positive. I was doing everything I could to keep a healthy pregnancy.

I was living this strange duality where all of these feelings were rushing through my body, but at the same time, I had just been blessed with the best gift of being able to be a mom to another sweet baby.

There was this pressure to restart my business, but what I was doing before didn’t feel in alignment. So I had this pressure for clarity. I applied to jobs nonstop…but no one wanted to hire a pregnant lady.

And no one ever did.

You might be thinking…just start your business again.

I would have loved to. But I was in the middle of fighting this person for workers’ comp, which meant I couldn't even post on my own business page. I couldn't work, couldn't be seen, couldn't do anything but wait and hope and grow a baby. I was trapped.

This took MONTHS.

Days after having my baby girl, I had to jump on a phone court hearing just to fight for myself to get the very least of what I deserved.

Now I fully believe that God knew that where I was, what I was doing…it wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t good for me. But God knows my stubborn ass would stick it through for the sake of my family… so the universe took things into its own hands and got me out of there.

While I am grateful to be out of the situation (and honestly, many people are because that person had previously and then continued to randomly fire lots of people on any given day…)

This story is a crazy one. And sadly, I am just one of many.

With that said…

I’m still at rock bottom. I haven’t figured it out. Things have not clicked. There have been some really amazing things that have happened to my business. I have worked with AMAZING clients, but things have not just flowed.

I am trying to figure out what offers feel in alignment.

During these last few years, I have done so much work on myself to heal from this, to grow from it, and walk away 1000% times better than before…But I am still in the messy middle.

My nervous system is shot. It is doing that thing where everything feels like TOO much… too loud, too uncertain, too much to hold because underneath it all is this quiet, relentless ache of wanting things to turn around and watching them not just yet.

I am overstimulated. I am tired. I am annoyed some days with having to stay positive.

But that intuition that I ignored years ago, that got me into this situation to begin with, well, I promised myself I would never do that again. And she is telling me I am right on the cusp of something great, so I keep holding on to that. The almost.

I don’t have a lesson here. I am not writing this from the other side of this. I am writing from the middle of it, on a day when I wanted to burst into tears because it all felt like too much.

I just decided to write instead.

While I never want anyone else to feel this or relate in any way, if you are, I am writing to let you know someone else is here too.

-Emily

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(I was a hairstylist before this, but how I got to the cubicle is a story for another time)

Truly, the way people’s mouths drop when they find out I somehow landed myself a job in insurance is hysterical. If you saw my astrology chart... It’s literally laughable, almost like I asked to live in my own hell for a time being of my life.

Even when going through the interview process for this job, they made you take a personality test (which I love, of course), but in the final interview, the VP, told me he had NEVER seen personality test results like this before and asked if I was SURE I wanted to do this lol. To which I responded, I had no clue, but we could find out. HA

spoiler alert...the job felt like I was slowly dying a painful death.....butttt I met some great people, so that’s the upside.

Anyway... back to the story.

This particular day was about 9 years ago. I was gazing out my cubicle window, daydreaming of another life, obviously avoiding making yet another insurance call, listening to a crime podcast...when my best friend sent a podcast about the enneagram to the group chat.

It took all of two seconds for me to stop everything I was doing (basically nothing) and immediately start listening, because if anything is going to help me figure out who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life... I am in.

My excitement quickly vanished because THE WAY I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide when they started to talk about the enneagram nine...omg I can still feel that feeling today.

It was like an out-of-body experience, and while that seems dramatic to some, that’s the point.

It WAS dramatic. And although I didn’t know it, it was in real time... a pivotal moment for me when everything started to change.

That podcast had me feeling like I was standing in front of everyone naked, shocked, embarrassed, scared, and wanting to puke. The fact that other people just somehow KNEW this about me had me in a whirlwind of emotions.

But aside from those feelings...I also felt seen. That is something that I rarely feel.

When I say I went down a rabbit hole, I am not exaggerating.

I listened to books, podcasts, researched, and followed experts on IG...anything I could do to study who I was...I did.

I even paid to have an expert tell me which enneagram I was, even though I knew in my soul that first day I listened to the podcast. I like to live in denial sometimes....what can I say.

Everything always came back to NINE.

I was forced to really look inward and learn some self-acceptance.

One line that I read one day rocked me to my core.

“The only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself.”

To read that, as I was CLEARLY going through one of my many identity crises...working in insurance....

I was offended. I was defensive. I was mad. I was sad. I was lost.

It was true.

I naturally minimize myself (not because people ask me to, but to fit into other people’s versions of life, or to be what THEY need, to remove any type of confrontation, to be accepted, to be liked.

But really, when I was unknowingly doing these things from a genuine and kind place in my heart, I was also abandoning myself.

The enneagram was not the only, but the first, permission slip I received to be me.

That rabbit hole eventually led me out of insurance and into a creative agency. And honestly? I could not shut up about the enneagram. I introduced my small team of five to it, made such a big deal about it that eventually the whole agency learned their types too.

To this day, that team experience was one of the best work experiences to date. We didn’t just know things about each other... we actually used it. We implemented what we had learned about each other to know when stressed and could help, or how to showcase our strengths. None of us works there anymore, but we are still in the group chat, still meeting for dinners, still cheering each other on. They healed workplace trauma I didn’t even know I had, and the enneagram played a huge role in that.

Because of one simple podcast I listened to years ago, I looked in the mirror, got real with myself, and made the changes I needed to move forward on what was the start of the most profound journey... the journey of becoming.

hell...I even named my business after the Enneagram. lol...yes it was THAT serious.

If you know your enneagram, I’d love to hear it in the comments. And if you don’t...consider this your sign to find out. Fair warning, though... it could send you on a whirlwind of a rabbit hole...it’s worth it.

-Emily

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I yearn to become her, but I am not her yet.

I have this strange nostalgia for the girl I once was, even minutes ago, because I can feel her fading into the past.

I have empathy for her.

Sadness for her.
Tears for her.
Pride in her.
Love for her.

All of this while knowing it’s time to let her go.

These last few years have quietly been the hardest years of my life. Grief. Shock. Loss. Betrayal. Growth. Spiritual awakenings. Postpartum. Losing myself. Navigating motherhood of two. Health journeys. Entrepreneurship highs and deep lows.

What shook me the most was being emotionally so low while simultaneously knowing I had so much beauty in my life. Gratitude and despair coexisting. My belief system shifting beneath my feet. It felt like standing without ground. No control. No foundation.

Then something shifted.

Not externally. Internally.

I began to sense that things would change. That I would change. That the version of me I had always imagined, the one who felt steady and grounded and self-trusting, was not fiction. She was forming.

But becoming her has not been graceful.

For the last year, I have been shedding. Watching old patterns dissolve. Catching glimpses of someone steadier. Feeling more like myself physically and emotionally, and yet still not fully there.

That is where the tension lives.

Because I know I cannot go back. But moving forward feels overwhelming.

Imagine walking a path you were certain would narrow as you approached your destination, only to have it open into a wide field of trails. Not two options. Dozens.

Each one is plausible. Each one is unknown.

You can feel where you want to end up. You know the energy of it. The steadiness. The alignment. The peace.

But there are no signs.

So you stand there...tired, hopeful, a little anxious, while life moves around you, and the pressure to choose the right thing settles heavy on your chest.

I have been standing in that field for a while now.

And I’m slowly learning that the pressure I feel isn’t a signal to move faster. It’s an invitation to get still.

Maybe this in-between isn’t a mistake. Maybe it’s the whole point.

Maybe it is about trusting that movement will come.

I am between versions of myself.

Not who I was.
Not yet who I am becoming.

And somehow, this quiet in-between requires the bravest kind of movement.

The kind that happens internally.
The kind that happens in stillness.

Outgrowing myself, but not having met the new me yet.
Just holding the story of her in my head.

And trusting that she is already walking toward me too.

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If my window framed a forest, I’m almost certain I would have a much more poetic way to begin this first Substack essay…?! Surely there’s some universal law proving this to be true.

But here’s the truth: this feels awkward.

Like a first date. The kind where you’re not sure what version of yourself to present. You want to be interesting, but not try too hard. Honest, but not overshare. Deep, but not heavy. Slightly mysterious, but not concerning. All while hoping they don’t notice the sweat rippling up on your face from nerves… 👀

I keep wanting to skip the small talk and get straight to the real stuff…like we’re already best friends on the couch, legs tucked under us, drink in hand, talking about the thoughts that keep us up at night and the ideas that make us feel alive again.

The convos that stay with you.
The reflections that shift something…even just a little.
The random realizations that make you pause mid-dishwashing and think, “wait…”

And maybe that’s actually what this space is.

A found journal.

Entries that jump between motherhood and ambition. Between loss and rediscovery. Between who I was and who I’m becoming again (which, if I’m honest, feels like a rotating identity some days).

and as a 2/4 manifesting generator with a gemini sun, sagittarius moon, and virgo rising….the rotating identity checks out. 😬😂☺️

The last few years have been both beautiful and disorienting. It has felt like a living contradiction because I’ve experienced growth and grief, creativity and confusion, connection and loneliness…all simultaneously. Somewhere in all the chaos, I lost parts of myself.

And somewhere in that same space, just recently, I started finding them again…layer by layer.

When I think about In Layers, I could never niche it down to tell you what it’s about…because none of us are just one thing, and honestly, the thought of writing about one niche and one niche only…feels like suffocation lol.

I want to write about

What I’m noticing.
What I’m learning.
What I’m loving.

Creative life. Motherhood. Rebuilding. Human Design. Spiritual awakenings. Business. Hobbies. Wellness. My favorite things. My latest hyper-fixation. Random Tuesday realizations that probably didn’t need to be that profound but felt like they were.

No polished thesis.
No perfectly packaged takeaway.
Just thoughts.

Just layers of me.

If you decide to stay and read awhile… maybe you are discovering your layers, maybe you have the same obsessions as me…and maybe your are nosy and like to deep dive into peoples journals & thoughts HA. Either is fine with me; I am happy you are here.

Cheers to the layers of us. 🤍

- Emily