My thoughts at 10 pm on a Saturday night in a bath tub watching relationship edits.

I’ve been dreaming about love ever since I was 15 years old. I blame all the Wattpad and romance novels I spent years reading.

Love has always been something I’d day dream about. Finding the one. Being in the relationship of my dreams. Dancing in the rain. I’m at the library, drop my books, and he picks them up. All that cheesy romance movie crap, I loved it all. So as I soaked in the bath tub watching relationship edits with tears staining my face, I felt the yearn once again. This time, it felt like all of the years I’d spent yearning for love hit me all at once, and I’m left asking, when is it going to be my turn?

I’d been in relationships before, but none of them fulfilled this need. I’d try to make it work, try to convince myself that this was love. But even at a young age, I knew this wasn’t the type of love I wanted. What I’d gotten wasn’t enough, it wasn’t what I was looking for. I tried to find it within them. I’d look into their eyes and try to see if their soul was one that mine recognized. Imagine my disappointment when I didn’t feel the familiarity I was looking for.

I’ve been single for four years and it’s taught me a lot. There’s been many times where I’ve doubted myself, God, love… Was my dream relationship real? Or was it just that, a dream?

I crave that endless love. Waking up in awe and living life as if you’re floating on clouds. Excitement running through my bloodstream when they text me. The jitters of anticipation as you wait to see them. Them causing me to feel the presence of my heart. Feeling like the world is in my hands. Knowing how they take their coffee. People looking at us and knowing we’re so stupidly in love. A smile becoming a permanent feature on my face when I talk about them. I want it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to fulfill the connection my soul is looking for.

But for awhile, doubt troubled me. Was I asking for too much? Was it real? Was it unrealistic?

That was until a month ago. I turned to the universe and asked for clarity. Please take this yearning from me because it has become unhealthy. This obsession to be seen and adored was because I couldn’t hold myself to this standard. But please let me know one thing, is it real?

Today, my question has been answered. It is real. I got my answer through a conversation with one of my best friends. She shared a story with me of how her grandma met her grandpa. How a long awaited love became forever. She said, and I quote, “it’s all in the eyes.”

Once I meet him, I’ll know. I’ll know the second we lock eyes. I’ll recognize the eyes I’ve been looking for. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I’ll know my soul, I’ll know my eyes.

I can’t help but believe that he’ll know as well. We won’t be able to deny the synchronicities we'll face, like god telling us, “yes, your ‘finally’ is here.”

I know you’re out there, you’re roaming the Earth the same way I am. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve felt your energy calling mine. You’ve caused me to believe in the Red String Theory, and I know our time is coming soon. I live now with a wave of relief that you’re out there. The desire I’ve had for our love ever since I was 15 wasn’t for nothing, it’s a taste of what another version of me is experiencing. I’m slowly stepping into that version, and I have so much peace in knowing that you’re real.

What a joy it is to watch the world cup come around every 4 years and live it. It’s been nothing but excitement for the past month as we watched nations face each other with a game of futbol.

There are some things you can’t deny. Messi’s performance this world cup has been phenomenal and at his age, it’s admirable. But what is most inspiring from Messi is his ability to remain cool, calm, and collected over the years.

Real fans remember the slump Argentina went through between 2014-2018. And it’s honestly probably longer. It was frustrating to be a fan. Imagine how it must’ve felt for Messi.

But he never said anything. He never acted out of rage or let his ego control him, he stayed quiet. He remained to himself and focused on working through this. And we all know he did. His results speak for him.

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It’s so inspiring. Keeping to yourself about your goals but letting your results speak for you. The amount of self control that comes from this is heavy. It’s challenging to let people think whatever they want to think about you, before shutting them up with your results. One must be very detached from the outside noise in order to continue forward. It’d be easy to slip into a downward spiral when working on your goals, I can’t imagine having thousands of people in your ear at the same time. But potential is only seen by you. The visions you get of your goals is something only you can see, and we don’t have to explain that to anyone.

Your goals only have to make sense to you, especially if it’s something you’ve seen or felt. Like an inner knowing that something is destined for you. No one needs an explanation of why.

If your dreams are based on how people will react then it’s not real. It’s not coming from the heart because if it were, the opinions of others will never matter. Your dreams/goals are yours and no one else’s. They come from you and are acted out by you, keep them to yourself until you no longer can.

If you take away anything from this article let it be this: keep your goals to yourself and let the results do the talking. Have others not be able to deny what you’ve accomplished and done over time. Be like Messi.

** journal prompt: what goals are you going to keep to yourself going forward? why?

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It’s natural to feel behind in your 20’s. It’s became a canon event, something everyone goes through at one point in their life. No ones more stressed than a 20-year-old thinking they’re falling behind in life.

Add feeling guilty for changing your mind/interests on top of that and it becomes a cocktail of emotions. A whirlpool of stressful sensations our bodies didn’t ask for. It feels like the weight of the world decided to make its home on our shoulders.

I unfortunately know the burden of guilt that comes from changing our minds. This applies in so many areas of my life. Saying yes when I meant no. Deciding I want to remove my tattoos. Switching majors 4 times in uni. Trust me when I say, I know ball.

My indecision and guilt have accompanied me for far too long. While I’ve slowly let go of my indecision over the years, I cant help but continue to hold onto the guilt of changing. I feel guilty for how much time has passed, how much time I’m not getting back. Guilty for the waste of money. Guilty for toying with peoples emotions.

But the more self love I pour into myself, the different I feel with this guilt. You see, this guilt is seen as guilt because I’m choosing to see it that way. There are so many ways I can characterize the life journey I’ve been on so far and I’m choosing to feel guilty. But there’s no need, because without the choices I’ve made, I would’ve never gotten to where I am today.

Every choice we make is like a portal. It’s a portal to different realities we could go down. Every choice I’ve made has lead me to where I am now, somewhere good with lots of love and light. So where’s the need for the guilt?

The mere act of changing my mind meant I was finding my tastes. I was figuring out what I’d truly liked. How is any of that bad? I’ve been exploring all my options and avenues before deciding to settle with one.

In case no one has ever told you or you need a reminder, you’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to change your career if it isn’t fulfilling you. You’re allowed to tell that boy you’re no longer interested if you were at first. You’re allowed to change.

There is no greater feeling in the world than making a choice on your own and standing by it. Indecisiveness comes when we put the opinions of others over our own, and we’re the only ones who pay the consequences.

Experience is how we learn. We learn what we like and do not like based on what we’ve gone through and how its made us feel. Changing your mind because you learned you didn’t like something is never a waste.

So let yourself be wrong or let yourself be proven right. Let yourself change when you want to.

Changing your mind means you’ve gotten to know yourself on another level. It’s an act of self love.

**journal prompt: was there a time you shamed yourself for changing your mind? If so, how can you reframe that experience with love?

According to me, free will is the ability to do whatever you see fit.

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Free will is a gift that god has given us. It’s the ability to do whatever we see fit, in any way we see fit. It’s the cause of the reality we are currently living in, the choices we’ve made along the way and where they’ve left us.

It’s a superpower and it’s one that many people seem to forget about. We have the choice to decide how we wish to walk, talk, dress, believe, act, and do within the lifespan of our life. That choice is entirely up to us. If we let others dictate this for us, the choice is still ours because, well, we chose to let them do so.

Free will is the solution to victimhood. If you are dissatisfied with where you are in life, the solution is free will. We have the ability to choose better and want more for ourselves. It’s something that people may try to take away, but our free will allows us to not let them.

I write this to remind you of the power of our choices. While we may not be able to control everything that happens to us, we can always control how we respond. That’s where our power lies, in how we choose to navigate life with our free will.

I used to forget I had this. I used to live my life as a sensitive, insecure version of myself that was crippled by anxiety and low self-esteem. I’d lost the spark that ignited my personality and became someone who I nor my family could recognize.

It was low. It’s upsetting to reach a point that has you looking presentable on the outside but fighting tough mental battles on the daily. Imagine the toll it takes on your mental, physical, and emotional health to constantly go against yourself in your head—and no one knows about it.

You hit a point where you realize enough is enough. Nobody was forcing me to continue to live this way, this was a result of my own doing. I became a prisoner to my own mind, I let it get this far. Living this way did nothing to serve me and I hated living life with so many self-bounded limitations at such a young age. I wasn’t living, I was surviving. The irony is, I was surviving a battle I was fighting with myself.

My free will came back full force one day. I remembered it’s existence and made sure to use it to my advantage. So I did something about it, it was as easy as that. The choice was simple, Did I want to stay this way or did I want more for myself? I chose the latter.

We forget the simplicity of free will. If we really wanted to, we could sell all our things and move half way across the country. The choice is simple, the emotions that follow are not. I guess that’s what comes with the beauty of free will and it’s accessibility, the hardship of the emotions that come from some of our choices. But that’s another topic for another day—following our plan, not our emotions.

Let this be your reminder of your free will. This is your reminder to be mindful of our choices and where they lead us, or rather, where we choose to lead ourselves. It’s a beautiful thing, and it’s a reminder that we are here, living a reality we created for ourselves.

**journal prompt: where will your free will take you next?

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Turns out, there was nothing special about him anyways. The image I painted of him in my head was a means of my work.

I was the artist who exaggerated your features and persona to fit my line of work, I made you up.

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Just as we can perfect the imperfections of another, we can idealize their potential as well. He’s not social as I like them, but over time he’ll warm up. His sense of style sucks, but he’ll look good with the makeover I’ll give him. He treats me like shit, but it’s because he hasn’t been in a relationship in awhile—he’ll loosen up! What a waste of a beautiful mind on a boy.

Instead of focusing on his dormant abilities, why do we forget to focus on where his abilities were found.

They were found through the beautiful sphere shaped eyeballs that live in our thoughtful skulls. Not to mention the complex network of neurons that curate our imaginative minds. So much love in this potent brain of ours.

The life we saw in him is a reflection of the life we seen within ourselves.

We recognize abilities and characteristics we possess, especially the ones we enjoy and value. He was special because he reminded you of yourself.

Psychology shows two explanations to why we find someone attractive who are like us, active similarity and perceived similarity.

Active similarity means we actually have things in common with another person, while perceived means we believe we have things in common with another.

What a difference right? It seems like the only way we can safety figure out which we actually are is time. We need time to get to know if the person we’re talking to is actually on our wavelength, or if we made them up (Seidman, 2018).

The light you see in others is the light you possess within yourself. Buried under all the doubts, fear, and insecurities lies the potential we so desperately seek in others. You are the reason he had any potential, love, or light in the first place.

What you’re searching for is within you, you just need to see it too.

**journal prompt: What holds you back from meeting your potential?

I used to care so much, a little too much. That fear held me back from doing many things, especially anything regarding my digital presence.

It’s so interesting to look back and recognize how we can hold ourselves back from our potential out of fear. We are in the way of our success.

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It’s been a long time coming but I am now here. I’m at a point where I do things simply because I want to do them. I know what the results will be without forming that desperate attachment to it.

It’s a lesson I’ve had to recognize on my own. An experience I needed to personally go through to reach a point of no longer holding back. No longer caring about what others thought of me because at the end of the day, that won’t get me anywhere.

And here’s how I did so.

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i knew this to be true the first time i knew i was moving in alignment with my soul.

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we are human and there will be times we go against ourselves either by choice or not. sometimes we need to in order to get by, sometimes we do so in fear, and sometimes we snap and break the cycle because our souls tired of running.

when you move in alignment with whats meant for you, it’s a feeling that’s specific and addicting. you miss it when its not around and you feel the ‘after effects’ of its absence.

an internal light that makes it way into every cell in your body causing all your worries to leave with the exhales of your breath.

it’s a flow state. a state of euphoria without the aid of any substance. you can see meaning in life and yourself, you see life for the bigger picture than it is. all makes sense again, you can feel the presence of your heart, and you can feel the alignment in your body—it’s impossible to ignore this feeling.

you are walking as your soul instead of alongside it.

the birth of this feeling stems from the intention of your decisions.

your everyday choices…why are you making them?

are you making them because you want to get to know who you are or are you doing what the crowd is telling you to do?

we move in misalignment when we make our choices in order to please others or follow in someone else’s footsteps.

of course this doesn’t work. why? because your soul is your own and no one else’s.

this is where we must work. we must work to get to know ourselves and meet the depths of our soul.

introspection. self reflection. inner work. therapy.

these are forms of getting to meet yourself, know who you are at the base of your core.

working on yourself is like a full time job. a duty you preform in exchange for wholeness.

and the feeling of wholeness that comes from understanding your depth, is a feeling like no other.

a feeling that only you can give yourself.

**journal prompt: have you ever experienced a time, situation, or person that felt like alignment?

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it’s so funny to think something we’re going through can feel like the end of the world when, in reality, it’s just a little blip in the span of our entire life.

it is, of course, incredibly difficult to feel this way when going through something difficult. your mind begins to race before your body can keep up and you feel the sheer fear of panic consume you. in that moment, it seems like the walls are starting to close in on you, until you decide to take a breath.

there has been many moments in my life where i’ve felt the fear, desperation, panic, stress, heartbreak, or any negative emotion you think of when feeling like your life is over. but it isnt, life goes on.

and you have a laugh when you look back at this point in your life, a year down the road. you look back and think, “wow. i really thought i was done for. but now, i’m so grateful things happened the way they did.”

if your boyfriend would’ve never broken up with you, then you would’ve never met your husband.

if your job would’ve never fired you, then you would’ve never found your dream job or started your own business.

if you would’ve never received that unwanted news, then you would’ve never been so disciplined to flip your life upside.

everything will always make sense, time mends all.

there is always a larger picture at play. there is always something working in the background that doesn’t make sense in the moment, but with time, will be what you’ve been looking for.

**journal prompt: do you find it difficult to let go and surrender?

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it’s a different kind of pain, to realize that you don’t like who you are.

yet with so much pain comes so much power, the power to choose to want more—to entirely want something different.

we forget that we have the power to confront ourselves and the life we’ve been living.

on paper, it sounds simple and easy. it sounds like something so painfully easy to do in order to reap the benefits that come from doing so. like checking a box of yes or no, the question being, “do you like where you’re at in life right now?”

if only things were so simple. if only life could change overnight. its like they say, if it were easy, everyone would do it.

but it is not.

it is the hardest decision and choice you make. the choice in choosing more for yourself, the choice of change. it all comes from confronting yourself.

let me guide you through how to do so, for i have made this choice so long ago, and never looked back.

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there are so many life teaching moments throughout the franchise, you just need to pay attention.

and this one is one of my favorites.

in the empire strikes back, yoda tells luke, “do. or do not. there is no try.”

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i have never thought about this until i watched the movie. i never realized just how powerful and truthful this is, until i applied it to my life.

there is no try. you either do it or you don’t.

let’s think about this for a second and question if it’s true. let’s see how we can test this theory.

do you try to eat? no. you either eat or you don’t.

do you try to write? no. you either write or you don’t.

do you try to love? no. you either love or you don’t.

you either put food in your mouth and chew it or you don’t. you either pick up a pencil and scribble words down or you don’t. you either invite and accept the devotion for another or you don’t.

there are so many things in our lives that we either simply do or do not.

it feels to me like everything else is an excuse.

we excuse our procrastination, we excuse our laziness, and we excuse our bad behaviors. we excuse the negative when we know it’s not right, and most of the time, we excuse it by saying we’re trying.

i can most definitely see how this applies in my life. i keep telling myself that i’m trying to write and nothing comes out, but the truth is, i am not writing and there is something blocking me.

i find myself in this same situation with my goals and what i want to make of myself. and using the word ‘try’ is almost like me subconsciously downplaying what i want and not being sure of myself.

“i’m trying to be an author.”

how is this possible? did you write the book or not? how does one try to be an author? where is the confidence?

other areas of our lives have been fogged by this word as well. how we relate to others, how we treat others, and/or how we live with others.

“i’m trying to love you”

love is something that forms organically. you either love someone or you don’t, and if you really have to try, well, is that even love in the first place?

it feels like when we associate ourselves with ‘trying’, there is a shadow of doubt that begins to follows us around. it’s like we know in the back of our head that we’re not doing or going to do what we say we are, and we add the word ‘try’ to soften the blow. be sure to notice if you ever catch yourself using the word ‘try’ and if it’s in relation to things you aren’t fully committed to.

and why do the things we aren’t fully committed to?

let me ask you, why do things when we know there is doubt in our hearts? is this why we use the word ‘try’ as a safety blanket?

hearing this phrase caused a big mindset shift for me.

when i commit to something, i must commit fully; leaving behind the words and doubts of my abilities. so either you do something and you love it, or you do something and you don’t like it. there’s no in between.

i will not set myself up for failure with these built in excuses and this begins with my vocabulary..

just something to think about next time you use the word ‘try.'

**journal prompt: what have you been “trying” to do. why isn’t it working? what is required of you in order to make it work?

so many times we find ourselves not knowing what we wanna do with our lives. we find ourselves stuck in choosing what direction we want our life to go in.

sometimes we forget how simple the solutions to our problems are, we let emotions get in the way and derail us. we stand in our own way.

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let me guide you through the simple elimination process that will prompt you to move forward in alignment with what feels right to you.

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these are all obviously from my perspective. these are things that hit me the most in life and stuck with me to this day.

some may tickle your heart, some may not. regardless, i'd like to share this with you in hopes that even a small sliver of it stays with you forever.

so here are 23 things i’ve learned at 23 :)

1. what you’re not changing, you’re choosing

starting off strong with this one.

the first time i heard this was on tiktok. it instantly became a statement tattooed in my brain. think about this… the things we choose not to change in our lives, is our way of accepting it for what it is.

does this mean we have the grounds to complain on?

this is a powerful reminder that you are the creator of your reality.

2. the power of moving in alignment with your soul

when you learn to not force things in life, you align with what’s meant for you. now, this also doesn’t mean to sit back and not do anything, but stop putting yourself in places you don’t belong.

if it drains you, it’s not meant for you.

and magic happens once you begin to move with your soul.

3. you don’t have to be with someone to feel like you’re in love.

“i know her but she doesn’t know me.” i’m still working on this one :p

the message is still powerful regardless.

a big reminder to stop limiting yourself to think that you’ll only feel love when you’re with someone. a reminder to romanticize your life and romanticize the mundane. don’t wait for someone to enjoy the pleasures of life.

life shouldn’t begin once we get into a relationship.

take it from me, a diehard hopeless romantic.

4. who you’re friends with matters.

there’s a saying that goes, “if you hang out with three bums, you’ll become the fourth.”

the people who you engage with in your everyday life matters. your environment influences you more than you think…be selective with who gets access to your energy, not everyone deserves this privilege.

be aware of who you’re inviting to your space, people leave marks on each other whether we realize it or not.

5. if you don’t choose yourself, who will?

as my therapist says, “you gotta be your own cheerleader.”

if you don’t choose yourself, no one will.

choosing and finding yourself is up to you, it’s your job in this game we call life.

6. no one’s coming to save you

this goes hand-in-hand with number 5.

another harsh truth but no one is coming to save you. it’s up to you.

no one’s coming to chase your dreams for you. no one’s coming to save your life. no one’s coming to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, and honestly if they did, would you even value it?

7. you’re loved

in times of low lows, i know what it’s like to feel so alone.

in these times, you must remind yourself how loved you are. there is always going to be people in your life who care for you. lean on them. let them be there for you.

emotions are temporary and what we feel is not facts. don’t push people away who don’t deserve it.

8. the truth of self love

i know when we think of self love we think of speaking kindly to ourselves, self care nights, and all the things about us.

but the truth about self love is that it’s built and tested in the moments we feel so alone. self love is choosing to go through the hardships in order to make it out on the other side.

it’s about being okay when you’re not okay, it’s about listening to your emotions, it’s about being there for yourself in the moments that bring so much hurt.

you realize just how strong your self love is, in moments when we feel the most pain.

9. rest is not a reward

this was a tough pill for me to swallow. i used to think, “i can rest once i complete what is needed.”

in other words, i used to think rest was weak. but rest is not weak, rest is vital.

our bodies need rest in order to function at our best, and if we arent functioning at our best, how can we expect our work to be its best?

so if you’re tired, go take a nap girl.

10. i like being delusional

i used to doubt myself and my beliefs a lot. i used to doubt all the “woo-woo” things i’d do because of what society or the internet would tell me.

but the older i get, the more i realize, i’d rather live in this delusion and feel invincible than be left living unfulfilled.

i notice the absence of these “woo-woo” things i do, i feel a severing in my connection with god. so i’m gonna keep doing these things, and keep me out of the box others lock themselves in.

11. don’t let your dreams die

this one does hand-in-hand with being delusion.

be delusional, be unrealistic, shoot for the damn stars!! if others can do it, why can’t you???

the people would’ve let their dreams die will try to do the same to you. they think they’re protecting you, but they are just projecting their fears onto you.

you can do anything you set your mind to. imagine where we’d be as a humanity if people didn’t dream big?

your favorite artist wouldn’t be your favorite artist if they didn’t allow themselves to dream big.

12. it only has to make sense to you

stop telling others your goals and dreams. stop justifying what you’re doing because others will never be able to see the vision you see.

this is crucial for your dreams, this is NOT for wanting to text your ex.

girl dont do that.

no one will be able to see what you’ve visualized in your head regarding your dreams and aspirations, so let it only make sense to you.

13. your future starts now

another big pill to swallow.

sadly, this is the truth. you are paying the price for the type of future you will have right now. neglecting your body may not be obvious now, but it will be in the foreseeable future. something to be mindful of.

also balance is my motto. i’m not saying quit everything and turn into a nun, but be mindful of what is taking up the majority of your time, energy, and stomach.

14. you are what you do, not what you say

do not doubt that people will say whatever they need to say in order to swoon you, but their actions will say otherwise.

this is also true for you.

i’ve stopped listening to what people tell me they’re gonna do and i let their actions speak for them. actions speak louder than words, pay attention to this.

become the person who says what they say they’re gonna do. (i’ve written a substack article about this)

read here

15. it’s okay to not be okay

as someone who loves to be positive and live optimistically, the more you neglect your negative emotions, the more prominent they will be.

it’s okay to be sad. it’s okay to be mad. it’s okay to not be okay.

you’re human. these emotions are reminders that we have the ability to feel.

feelings are not forever, emotions are temporary. let them make their presence known and they will know when it’s time to leave.

16. it’s okay to want love

i used to be embarrassed and silly for wanting a love i have yet to experience. i am an avid romance reader and a hopeless romantic, i know what type of love i’m looking for.

but there was a time when i would shun myself for wanting this love. i had to learn how to reserve this.

i know how deeply i can love, it’s no surprise i want a love as deep as mine. it’s a blessing, it’s a reminder of how big my heart is. why am i ashamed of that?

it’s okay to want love, it’s okay to want to be in love, it’s not okay to halt your life just because you’re single.

you’re not in despair, you’re just not in a relationship.

17. people are usually doing the best they know how

it’s an easy thing to dismiss someone as negative when they treat you wrong. i’ve been there. but this is where our empathy steps in.

people are usually doing the best they know how.

someone can’t comfort you when you’re upset? it’s probably because they can’t even comfort themselves.

someone can’t be vulnerable with you? it’s probably because they were raised with vulnerability being seen as weak.

someone can’t meet you where you are? it’s probably because they don’t have the capacity to do so.

people know their abilities, the power lies in whether they wish to stay this way or grow.

18. it’s okay to ask for more

god is not on a budget. the universe is not on a budget, ask for more.

it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to take up space. we all have the potential to do this, a lot of us choose not to.

you can ask for more and still be a good person. i don’t know why there’s this stigma that these two can’t co-exist, they can.

it’s okay to want more out of your life, it’s not okay to wish worse on others so you can succeed. see the difference?

19. attachment styles

my life changed when i realized mine. it makes so much sense in the relationship aspect. find yours.

you can be either an avoidant, anxious, disorganized, or secure (secure is the goal)

identify it, research it, and then grow. aim for secure. the type of relationships you will attract will change so much.

20. toot your own horn!

another thing i don’t know why we shy away from. it’s okay to speak pridefully about yourself.

there’s a difference between being cocky and knowing your value.

see your values and embrace them. let them shine without the desire of wanting to be seen.

you living on this earth is already an accomplishment some people don’t have. do you know the chances of you being here right now, reading this substack? it’s about one in a trillion. so yes, you are so goddamn special, it’s time to recognize it.

read here

21. i’d rather be alone than with bad company

the art of not settling. it’s scary knowing that this might be a possibility, but it’s also scary to end up with someone you don’t wanna be with.

i’ve grown to love my alone time and my foundation i’ve built, at times i think i love it a little too much. but i’d rather be alone than with bad company.

i beg of you to find yourself first and feel whole before you go searching for yourself in another. sadly, you’ll never find what you’re looking for.

everything you need is within you, you are what you’ve been looking for.

22. we’re living on a floating rock

i know life can feel so serious at times, but we forget just how unserious it is.

we’re living on a floating rock, is that thing you’re overthinking really that big of a deal?

i know it’s always so much easier said than done, but this is the ultimate truth.

feel the fear and do it anyways. live your life wholeheartedly. text that guy even if you’re scared. at the end of the day, we’re all gonna die one day and we won’t remember the “embarrassment” you went through.

23. it’s not just your birthday, it’s a milestone

i used to hate my birthday, until my pookie convinced me otherwise. your birthday is more than just the day you were born.

you made it to another year, there are some people who don’t get that same privilege. take advantage of it, the universe gave you another day of life for a reason.

every time you wake up, it’s another chance at life. be sure to take it :)

**journal prompt: what are some life lessons you’ve learned thus far?

while attending a writing workshop, i remember hearing a phrase that would change my life forever. we had a guest speaker come on and share her insight on becoming an author and going after the things she dreamt of.

she was a very mystic lady, someone who stood strong in alignment with her “crazies”. someone sure of themselves and who lived their life authentically. someone inspiring who shared something that’d stick with me forever.

“not only do you need spirit, but spirit needs us. spirit is nothing without us. spirit needs us to express itself because spirit has no physical form.”

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i remember the goosebumps i felt when i heard these words leave her lips. what a powerful perspective on life. it was like a boost i needed to keep going and pursue the things i want.

we are the cosmos experiencing life in a physical form. we are the one in a trillion miracle to walk this earth.

i’m not telling you this to flatter you, i’m telling you because it is the truth.

everything was conspired against us. the odds of our ancestors and the survival of their entire ancestral line, the odds of our parents meeting, the odds of the exact sperm and egg meeting in order to shape us. we beat all the odds and became the only nervous system in the universe to experience reality in our form.

no one walks the earth the same way we do. no one has our exact thought patterns, no one has our exact emotional wiring, no one has our exact essence.

we are a gift, we are a once in a lifetime gift. we are the lucky ones. we are the ones who perseveres and survived, why do we sometimes abuse this?

you forget how blessed you are when your attention is focused on the things you lack, but in reality, we lack nothing. we are the universe in its physical form, everything we need is within us.

everything you need is within you, you just turned a blind eye to it.

your soul has been pushed aside, you’ve let the physical take over. remember who lives within you, and let them come home.

you are what you’ve been missing.

you are the journey, you are the destination, and you are everything you’ve been looking for.

so many ups and downs come from being single and a romantic. it’s like being locked in a cage until someone decides to find the key. yet sometimes i forget, i don’t need to wait for the key.

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i remember many months ago when i found myself in a situationship, nervous about what was going to come from this. he seemed great at first and told me all the things i wanted to hear. feelings were being developed, and mind you, this was my first crush after years of not having one.

i liked him and it made me nervous. a lot of things were adding up, yet i still felt a fear of what if he’s a waste of time. what if i was just settling with this guy out of my own insecurities? what if he turns out to be a waste of time?

i’ll never forget the day i realized i was in deep. at this point, i admitted to myself i liked him, this was a big step for me. i was at work and made my way to bathroom. we were texting all day, every day. as i finished my duties, i look at myself in the mirror and talked to the universe.

i remember clear as day how stormy it was that day. it was too early in the morning for people to being trickling in to our coffeeshop. i could hear the thunder making itself known as i washed my hands in the bathroom. i caught glimpse of myself and stopped and stared at myself for a bit. and then i asked, “god. if he isn’t the one, remove him. i’ll wait. i’ll wait for my future husband. i’ll wait for the love i’ve always wanted.”

would you believe me if i told you that a week later this dumbass motherfucker ghosted me? in the moment, i was offended. how dare he ghost me after i gave him a chance, one that i had to force myself to give at one point, then i end up liking him and he leaves. oh i was pissed.

but then, i remembered the conversation…the universe heard me. my prayer was answered, and thank god he was. he really wasn’t the one looking back, i just had these rose colored glasses on.

like many of us, we’re spiritually protected and being looked out for.

although in the moment i felt a little pain and embarrassment, i am SO glad this happened. there was a larger picture at play. i feel like i was sent someone just because i desperately felt like i wanted it, but now i know i’d rather wait for my husband and better myself than entertain losers.

so i’ll wait. i’ll wait for him, but in the moment of waiting, i’m not giving up on myself either. i’m continuing to grow as a person everyday so i can be ready to love him the way i want to. i know he’s out there and when it’s time we’ll come together, but that doesn’t mean my life is on hold.

for now all the attention and energy is back on me. my attention and energy is on my family, my friends, and the love i feel everyday.

i don’t need to be in a relationship in order to feel in love. i feel love everyday by being aligned with who i am. i’ll continue to be true to myself everyday, and my betterment.

and i’ll wait for my husband.

my motto for the rest of my life is being the girl who does what i say i’m doing to do. there’s nothing more sexier than holding truth to your word, and following through with what you said you’d do.

not only does this reside in being self-disciplined, it also aids in growing your self-love. you see, when we do the promises we hold ourselves to, we reach another level of self-trust and accountability within ourselves.

you are exactly who you think you are because you’re doing what you said you would.

there’s so much power and strength in doing so and i have the upmost respect for the women who don’t play about themselves.

if you wanna become that girl, you need to act like that girl. that girl holds herself accountable and goes after what she wants when she announces it. if she tells you she never wants to speak to you again, she will in fact never speak to you again. beware.

so if you say you’re going to do it, then do it. you have the capacity to do so, do it. stop setting yourself up for failure by not doing the things you said you’d do, imagine what your brain starts to think of you?

you have the ability to do it. remember your words have power and upkeep that power by working with it. i know you can do it because you clicked on this post.

go be sexy.

of course i am the woman i see and the man has yet to find me, this reality soon hits me and i’m reminded of where i actually am. i’m anywhere but there. i haven’t met him yet, but i can feel his presence. i desire his presence more badly than anything else. borderline desperation if you ask me.

i’ve felt like this for a while, since i discovered my love for reading and my brain discovered it could day dream. i frequently found myself in a trance of what ifs, trances evoked by the next interaction i’d have with a cute stranger. the spell of limerence comes back as i question his role in my life and whether he’s fit enough to be the one.

i found myself yearning for the one, but in the process, threw myself out on the curb once reality seeped back in.

i was only useful when it came time to daydream. until then, i was not worthwhile.

why was i so quick to dismiss myself when i realized the man i want is not here yet? i guess this tells a lot about how i viewed myself at the time, only worthy if she was loved.

i’ve been single many years, and for many years i’ve wanted nothing more than to find him. the man of my daydreams, the one i’m meant to be with. what i didn’t realize was how fixed my attention was on him and not what matters most…me.

you see, it felt like life would start once i was loved right. it seemed like my day dreams were constant reminders of what i don’t have yet. it’s like i became a back thought until a man entered my life.

but what i’ve discovered would flip this narrative over. i don’t need to be in love in order to feel loved. i don’t need to be with someone in order to feel worthy of love. matter a fact, it’s me, i am the love of my life.

i am who i’ve envisioned living those daydreams, the person beside me was a prop. i cared about what i felt, how i was being treated, what i was experiencing—my attention was always on me.

i am the one who decides who’s worth my time, not the other way around. i forget that i am the prize. i’m the love i’ve been looking for, it’s been within me all along. i am all i need in order to feel the love i’ve been longing for.

ever since i’ve had that realization, i’ve noticed how i’ve felt this love in my everyday life. it’s like having a third person pov of yourself and realizing how beautiful and authentic you are. i’ve felt it in the little moments, like the time i was crying at my niece’s dance recital, or when i’m screaming the lyrics to a song in the car, or when i’m with my family and friends and smile because i feel so blessed to experience their love.

i feel the love i’ve longed for within me. i recognize how special i am and how much beauty i hold. i see my value and i love who i’ve grown into. i love the person i’ve become.

and now that i’ve found the love i’ve been longing for, my life is no longer on pause. there is no more waiting. there is no more feeling upset because i’m alone. i love being alone, i’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

i love being the love of my life.

if you struggle with negative self talk, i can imagine the weight of this question. we’ve all been there, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay.

it’s saddening to realize how poorly people speak to themselves. it hurts even more when you realize you do too, if not worse.

everyone has their own lives and stories, their negative self-talk can stem from many different places than yours. it’s a cruel reminder that we aren’t alone.

does that make it okay though? i don’t think so.

if our brains make sense of reality through what we choose to feed them, then what does that say about you? how do you think your brain is identifying you? how does your brain see yourself?

i’m not gonna waste my breath about the effects that come from speaking poorly of yourself, i’m sure you know what they are. but what we seem to overlook is the domino effect that comes from negative self-talk.

first our self-esteem plummets. how can you feel good about yourself if you tear yourself down?

next, our self love drops. because we don’t feel good about ourselves, we start to resent ourselves.

our self concept is broken. the way we perceive ourself start to decline because how can we view ourselves highly if we don’t like who we are?

and finally, our self value is gone. our self worth as well. what can we hold onto if we dont have good self-esteem, self love, or our self concept to keep us afloat? we feel like we’re left with nothing. we lower our light and make way for others, who we think are “better” than us.

it starts with one thing but slowly fades into every area of ourselves.

until one day you decide to break the cycle.

the first thought doesn’t count

it is unrealistic to think negative self-talk will vanish overnight. forming loving self talk is like a muscle, something that needs to be trained over and over again.

how do we train it?

we train it by remembering the first thought doesn’t count. when you catch a negative thought appear in your mind, redirect it. redirect it into a loving one, even if you don’t believe it at first.

we all have our battles with our insecurities. when those thoughts come up, fight them back.

instead of focusing on what you don’t like about yourself, redirect your attention to the things you do like.

“oh but i don’t like anything about myself” bullshit yes you do, you’ve just turned a blind eye to it.

so start pointing them out. start becoming your biggest cheerleader. since when has it become wrong to toot your own horn?

i didn’t know just how deeply this would hit me.

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it sounds nice right? in theory at least.

it sounds easy, almost like it’s something to look forward to. being lost and then finding yourself. easy peasy!

i underestimated how difficult the transition would be.

i was so happy to leave my job and throw myself in the deep end. i was excited, i was ready to go—counting down the days till my last shift.

i knew this was the right next step for me.

i didn’t anticipate how hard the transition would be. i forgot how scary it is to feel lost, how easily you could spiral into dangerous territory, and how hard it is to get out.

days merged with days. motivation left. i was going through the motions of life without experiencing the presence of life.

i was on autopilot, just surviving. just cruising with the little i had.

my energy was on others. my peace was disrupted and unstable. the noise was getting louder and louder, distractions were becoming an everyday habit.

i found myself drowning.

living in my head with doubts of what i’ve done, fearing the future. feeling like a fool, a let down that was on the brink of failure.

questioning myself, my choices, my worth. i didn’t know what i was doing, i thought i was doing what i felt was right.

and i started to doubt that voice.

doubting myself made it worse. doubting myself drove my self worth to the ground. i was hitting a new bottom i didn’t know existed.

it wasn’t until i realized, that was the whole point.

i wanted to throw myself into the unknown. i wanted to lose myself a bit and shed old skin.

i wanted it so bad, that i did it. i made myself lost, willingly.

i wanted to not know what my next steps were so that i was tied down to anything. i wanted the freedom. i wanted the discomfort. i wanted the stress.

the way i was living was so draining and unfulfilling, i’d rather be lost and start all over again than continue living that way.

i saw the opportunity to leave my comfort zone and i took it.

i realized being lost is not a bad thing. to me, it means anything is possible. the door to infinite possibilities is wide open, and you can choose what door to step through.

we act under pressure. we find solutions in stress. this is what i wanted to put myself through. i wanted the change.

if feeling lost is rock bottom for me, then there’s no where to go but up.

so i sat my ass down and got to work.

as humans, we need structure. we need goals, routines, something worth living for. this manifests in different ways for different people. goals are subjective and so is success.

i now had a plan, baby steps to work with. a light to guide me out of the dark.

and instead of staying lost, scared and alone, i chose myself and the possibility i wanted.

i came back to why i wanted change. what wasn’t fulfilling me and why i wanted to throw myself in the deep end.

i came across a video that i feel like was meant for me to see. sometimes god speaks to us in mysterious ways, and i felt i was spoken to through tiktok (ha!).

the man in the video spoke about how he didn’t like 5 year plans. the results take a while to achieve, people lose motivation, anything can change in 5 years. it felt like someone was repeating to me what i thought to be true.

god knows i hate being asked, “so whats your plan?”

then he spoke about a 6 months plan instead. a plan set in place with goals to achieve every month for 6 months, results are seen faster, and actionable steps can be taken now.

a light bulb went off in my head.

so i created a 6 months plan, in 3 different areas of my life. 3 areas i knew i wanted to focus on right now.

i now had goals. a path was being laid out for me, that reached a destination i cultivated for myself from the unknown.

and slowly, i’m meeting a new version of myself.

sometimes i catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and realize this is who i was manifesting to be so long ago…i just forgot.

this is who i used to pray for. someone who took risks, someone who valued themselves, someone who was constantly growing.

being lost helped me choose who i want to grow into.

and being lost made me realize, i am who i always wanted to be.

i am someone who chooses me.

it wasn’t easy, it’s never easy, but it’s real. it’s me. there’s no faking who i am, i found her in nothing.

i let go of what was keeping me lost. i let go of doubts that weighed me down, and without them, i learned to move.

now i’m moving towards what feels right. i’m giving power to the voice i know is always working in my best interest. i’m living in alignment with my soul.

i wanted to find a new version of myself, and i slowly am. i got out of my comfort zone and jumped into the unknown because i wanted change.

i wanted to feel all of this.

i wanted the discomfort and the growth. i wanted the open ended possibilities in my career, myself, my relationships—everything!

i just forgot i wanted this…but now i got it.

and i’m so happy i was lost.

find beauty in the simplest things

halloween is over and thank god for that.

we’re now entering the first few weeks of november and my quiet life resumes. but now that halloween and halloweekend are done, i can say with certainty, i’m getting old for that shit.

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my halloween weekend consisted of me being in bed around 11:30 pm both nights, friday and saturday.

i decided to travel for that weekend and now know it’s not worth it, for me.

the nightlife is not calling my name anymore, but honestly, it never quite called my name…

i’d go out because that’s what you’re “supposed to do” while you’re in your 20’s. i’d mess up my sleep schedule, feel the weight of the sunday scaries, and drain my bank account because these were things i’m “supposed to be doing.”

sensations that gave other’s so much enjoyment resulted in the opposite for me. events that gave people so much joy, gave me dread in thoughts of going. chaos that illuminated the night caused my light, my own energy, to dim.

enjoy your 20’s can mean many things for many people.

some people crave the parties, others crave their bed.

some people look forward to the weekend to socialize, others look forward to their alone time.

some people love the drama and loud nights, while others love their quiet, mundane nights…sometimes i like to hear myself think!

is there anyway to tell who’s doing what’s right and who isn’t? i think not.

we’re all allowed to decide how we want to spend our life and if that includes me choosing to give up alcohol or not go out anymore, who’s to say i’m not enjoying my 20’s?

the truth is, i love to be in bed by 9 pm with my hot tea on my nightstand and a good book in my hand.

as the title of this post says, the grandmas were right.

i enjoy the quiet life and i romanticize the hell out of it.

some may call me boring, but i call it peaceful. serenity.

that’s not to say i don’t enjoy a good party. but sometimes it feels like the party is good because i don’t live it every weekend…what’s the phrase, iykyk?

again i’m not saying going out every weekend is a bad thing, it’s just not what i want.

personally, i find it draining. unfulfilling. at times i even feel out of place.

and what i don’t like is people telling me i’m not enjoying life.

there’s more to life than alcohol. at least that’s the way i see it.

i fear i much rather spend my time doing things that lift me up and fulfill me inside. i value quality time with quality people and enjoy connections that make me feel. these are things that going out doesn’t give me.

the thrill of realizing you’re going to be in bed early, with no plans, is a feeling you have to experience for yourself.

a feeling the grandmas have been trying to tell us about.

i’d like to end this by formally apologizing to the grandmas.

keep feeling us your wisdom, lord knows we need it.

It’s always that damn stranger you meet once and never see again.

I know the feeling. I know what it’s like to be stuck in that pondering loop of “what ifs.”

The “what ifs” that become more of a stretch as the days go on. Don’t even get me started on the restlessness and anxiousness you begin to feel, while your mind plays out every scenario as to why this person is not in your life or why they aren’t contacting you.

The word limerence is defined as “the mental state of being madly in love or intensely infatuated when reciprocation of the feeling is uncertain.”

Key word, uncertain.

I know love is an intense word to use right now, since you usually don’t know the person, but deeply infatuated sounds about right.

You become obsessed with the possibilities of what could be, day dreaming about who they are, and creating movies in your head of what could’ve or could still be.

You idealize them.

I know personally, I romanticize them to become the person I’m looking for, not knowing a tiny bit of what their personality is like (spoiler alert: it’s usually ass).

Girlhood.

If you’ve ever caught yourself in this state over someone you really don’t know or shouldn’t be thinking about so much, just know, you aren’t alone.

What a state to be in, huh? It’s confusing, annoying, embarrassing, thrilling, but most of all—it’s addicting.

It’s addicting because it takes your mind off of what you’ve got going on in the moment. It adds some thrill to your life, because well, you’re in a state of no entertainment. So here’s the entertainment, the random stranger who held the door for you.

I’ve been there. As addicting as it is, it was also one of the most restless periods of my life. The emotions that spiraled from this situation quickly became a mess, but taught me a lot about myself and my struggles.

At one point, every notification I got resulted in me lunging at my phone to see if this man magically decided to contact me.

You begin to see them everywhere you go. You see the car they drive everywhere, somehow their name pops up in unexpected places, some minor detail about them becomes abundant in your life and you swear it’s a sign…and then, you think you’re over them until your mind decides to randomly remind you of them, and voila, the loop begins again.

So many should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s. Again, so many “what ifs.”

It’s especially annoying when you don’t understand why you’re obsessing over them.

It’s called limerence.

I’ve realized that it actually has nothing to do with them. It’s the uncertainty. The unknown. The possibilities of what could’ve been…the potential drives you crazy.

Their potential drives you crazy…but the truth is, you actually don’t know them and the potential is what you made up.

The potential is what you’re searching for, and they just had a pretty face.

We become infatuated with the idea of them rather than who they really are. because if we knew who they are, there would be no idea of them.

But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that they aren’t actively in your life for a reason. As much as it hurts, they aren’t reaching out or they aren’t in your life for a reason.

I believe that you can’t miss what’s meant for you. If it’s meant to be, then it shall be. But if for whatever reason, they aren’t coming back, it’s usually for your own good.

It truly is a spell. The spell of limerence. What a chokehold this can have on people, me included.

But the more you understand it, the more you let it go.

I now no longer become infatuated with the cute stranger who smiled at me. Yeah sure, I’ll think about him for a couple days because, well, I am just a girl. But then he’ll slowly slip away and my attention will go elsewhere. My attention and energy will go somewhere it’s needed, somewhere that’s meant for me. Priorities are set!

My minds filled with other things that hold more importance. Cute strangers are everywhere, and if our paths aren’t clearly crossing, then why bother? It’s usually just a distraction, or it tells you about what you’re looking for!

Either way, it’s not for you, but the spell is always waiting to attack once you decide to give the stranger a pedestal in your life.

Now you know the grip limerence could or has had on you, now you can perhaps put a name to it. Either way, now you can do something about it.

Recognize the spell and break the trance. Let your thoughts and energy be filled with things that fulfill you and bring you certainty—things that make your soul feel loved.

Or who knows, maybe the spell is there because they’re the one… ;)