No matter how much effort I put in,it always seems like there's something else I could've done better.Another reason why Im not enough.Sometimes I wonder if they're right. Maybe I really am a bad daughter. Maybe Im js someone who can never make my parents ‘proud’. Maybe I'll never be enough.

MAYBE.

I wish I could make them happy. I wish I could make them proud. I start believing that I'll never be enough.I don't want to keep living with this constant sense of disappointment. I wish I were a little different. I wish I were better. I wish I were the kind of daughter my parents always hoped for. I love my parents more than they'll probably ever realize and I know they've sacrificed so much to give me the life I have today. That's exactly why I feel so guilty whenever we argue. I never argue with them intentionally or because I don't love or respect them. Sometimes it just happens because I have my own opinions too?? It's my life too??? and sometimes I want the freedom to make my own choices. Ig I'm js selfish.

And the worst part is, I still act normal around you. I still get happy over small interactions(with u ofc). I still become the happiest version of myself whenever you give me even a little attention. One chance from you and suddenly I forget all the times I felt unseen.I sit there watching you get closer to other people and act like it doesn’t affect me. But at some point I start questioning if my presence even matters. Because if the ignorance is visible then why isn’t my absence? If a guy had done this to me, I would’ve moved on. But it’s you?? And somehow that changes everything. With u, I always end up staying, always end up making excuses.

Nvm mahn!!

Speaking of attachment??? what even is it? There were times when I used to cry over the smallest things. Little arguments with my parents, friends and especially w "whatever we had" guy . I used to feel everything so deeply that even the smallest change in people or relationships would affect me more than anything.Don’t get me wrong but I never thought I would be the first one to leave him because I never imagined I’d ever be able to forget him. He was the first guy I truly got attached to . But after him, I couldn’t bring myself to feel the same way about anyone else again.It wasnot  love though, also now I’ve completely forgotten him.

Then comes the part where it starts feeling like something is wrapped around my neck, slowly tightening around me??even in the presence or absence of the other person.Words of affirmations?? It scares me but even when the other person pulls away or stops talking to me, I still feel anxious. It’s confusing because neither closeness nor distance feels completely safe. And if it’s the same person, I slowly start losing interest. The moment I sense any kind of emotion growing whether from them or from myself, I begin distancing myself and acting as if there was nothing between us in the first place.I too want to feel things deeply. I too want to have what ‘they’ have. But emotions?? It scares me.I’m neither a good speaker nor a good listener. Sometimes I don’t know how to express what I feel and sometimes I don’t know how to hold someone else’s feelings either.Why does it feel like it's not a problem when I am the problem myself?My friends matter to me a lot tho. Their words affect me, their trust means something to me and I genuinely care about them. But when it comes to love interests, I can’t say I feel things in the same way. It’s confusing because I do want to experience what everyone talks about. I want to understand what it feels like to stay attached, to miss sm1 or to choose sm1 naturally instead of forcing myself to feel something. Even though I’m only 16, I’m still a human?? Right?? I still want closeness. I still want people to think of me and say “oh haan I can talk to her.” In fact , I feel strangely special when someone trusts me enough to rant to me or lets me see parts of themselves.But emotions scare me(again). The moment things start becoming too serious, something inside me wants to step away. Not because I hate people. Not because I don’t care. But because emotions?? Feels heavy. And seeing people unable to move on from someone has always felt strange to me. It sits wrong with me. Not because I judge them but because I cannot imagine feeling that way myself. I don’t understand how someone can hold onto another person so tightly that even after everything ends they still can’t let go.Why is it taking you so long? Attachment???? give some of it to me.

Whenever I see sm1 close to me crying, it feels like I’m being held at gunpoint. The other person is already hurt and I don’t want to hurt them even more. It’s like the moment sm1 becomes emotional around me, I start feeling responsible for fixing it even when I don’t know how. Sorry to say this but I always keep myself prepared because if things ever go wrong, I need to know I’ll still be okay. I don’t want to lose myself trying to save someone else. If protecting myself means leaving or even blocking sm1, I think I’d do it. Sometimes I really do care about people. But after a few weeks, it starts feeling heavy. So, I crash out a little. Detaching myself has always felt like the easiest answer to commitment. Leave before things get too serious. Tho I really appreciate the concept of loving someone and being loved. But when it actually starts happening, it feels suffocating.

Ok bye.

("Eta ki mukhe?" (Yesab kya hai face pe)) I went numb and couldn’t answer but my dad was with me when two of my aunts asked about it and he said that all of it was completely normal.But no matter how mentally prepared I am, I will always get hurt. Human nature ig and here Im not blaming anyone. But  whenever I visited new relatives, they would advise me to drink more water. NVM. And this is not the first time something like this has happened. I was in Guwahati for about a week and I heard the same thing for 5-6 times. One aunt even said that I used to be such a pretty kid in my childhood but now my face is full of scars(‘eto shundor chile chuto bela te ekhon toh mukhe pura daag’ in bangla) And tbh  I never liked that aunt. So, I started defending myself by saying 'no my skin is oily,' etc etc.But again, I was just a kid(7th grader) so that one week felt like hell. I never shared any of this with my parents bcs honestly why would I burden them with such a minor problem when they already had so much to deal with?The vacation was over  and it was time to go back to school. I never really felt insecure about my skin at school except for one incident. I had this one friend(we are not friends anymore, ThankGod)and she used to make me feel really insecure about my skin, constantly pointing out this and that. #doesntmatter bcs I have a better face and personality than hers. But in the back of my mind, all those shallow comments always stayed. I felt hollow inside but I never showed it to anyone. Now I’m in 8th grade(2023) and  I can’t recall many more incidents that happened in 7th. And my goodness, when I say peak, my acne was at its peak during 8th grade. It had spread all over my cheeks and forehead and this time, it really affected me. I stopped eating chips and any other junk food. I felt so drained. One incident:-

I got my first scholar badge of  two years and guess what? I was so insecure about myself that I secretly wished they wouldn’t call me on stage because I was scared the students would pass comments about my skin. And thankfully, God saved me that day. All the students receiving 2-year scholar badges got them in their respective classrooms instead.

I can’t recall a single incident from 8th either. Ig my memory power is terrible when it comes to remembering things.

And whenever someone new saw me, they would give me countless pieces of advice that never worked, mainly bcs I never even tried them. Not a single one. Because I’m not an experiment.

Now I’m 14, it’s 2024, and it has almost been two years of me having "daag dhabba" all over my skin. Nothing really happened in 8th because I was genuinely over it?? or at least that’s what it looked like. Not mentally though. I had a lot of breakdowns. Great, right?And I believe tht  I’ve changed a lot from 8th to 9th in every possible way. I started making jokes about my skin problems but whenever I had breakdowns, my friends would say that God had to balance me out with something. Son what?? In 9th, I received my third scholar badge, and  my name was called to come up on stage. Suddenly I could feel all eyes on me, and I messed up.

I instinctively covered one side of my cheek with my hand, which probably looked weird as if someone had slapped me.

One thing that remained constant throughout all of this was people’s taunts and  advices.Now, I’m in 11th grade(2026)  and my skin is a lot, lot better. My forehead is clear. Although my cheeks are still a bit sensitive,  but it #doesn’tmatter anymore. I don’t even try to cover it up now.But last month, I was in Guwahati (again).  Near my apartment there’s a small shop, so I had gone there to buy an ice cream when this aunt(someone my mother knows) came up to me and asked, 'Are you(my mother's name) daughter?' I said yes.Now, someone with basic human decency would probably ask me for my name or ion know ?? Talk to me like a normal person. But her  first question was, “yesab kya hai muh pe ?”That was probably the last straw for me. I js took my ice cream and walked away.What more can I even say except that.

On the day I’m posting this(26.05.26), I can say that I’m not insecure or emotionally drained anymore. My skin is lwk healed and honestly I have bigger problems to deal with.

Yk  I always considered you one of my closest friends. Maybe I never said it enough or maybe I wasn’t expressive in the ways people usually are but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care. I did, trust me . I’m not someone who overshares or opens up easily and you knew that. Yet somehow with you, I did. I trusted you with things Ion usually tell anyone and for that, thank you. Thank you for keeping my words safe and for being someone I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with.

But I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t hurt. It hurts more than I expected it to. I never thought that one day even you would block me w/o a word. I kept thinking maybe there would be some explanation, maybe a message before disappearing completely. Especially because the last few times something like this happened, I had always asked you to js inform me once before going offline. Not because I wanted to control anything but because I cared.Maybe you always thought that I was the “nonchalant” one in this friendship , the one who never cared, not even a bit. But that’s so wrong yaar. If I truly didn’t care, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing all of this. I wouldn’t still be thinking about you after almost a month, wondering where you are, whether you’re okay or not.

• For someone who hates oversharing, the fact that I opened up to you should’ve said enough.

Maybe this was meant to happen for some weird kind of “character development.” I don’t know but what I do know is that if you ever come back someday, things probably won’t be the same. A part of me will always care but another part of me will remember this. Bye tc meet bhaiya!!

Oh and thanks for suggesting this app to me.

There are moments when I can feel myself crying. Speaking, even in a dream, becomes exhausting. Somewhere in the back of my mind ,a part of me remains half-awake, aware of what’s happening. In that fragile state, I silently pray to God that I don’t want to die.

And when it finally ends, I’m left awake in the silence unsure whether to feel relieved that it’s over or terrified that it will happen all over “again” the next night.

Ok bye.

Two different sections. Just another ordinary school day on the 3rd of April 2024. She saw him. Just a glance that lasted too long. She looked away first, ofc.That’s how it began. At first, it meant nothing , maybe?? Just curiosity, maybe a little “excitement”. She’d casually ask if I’d seen him, pretend it didn’t matter when I shrugged. But I could tell it mattered. The way her eyes wandered in the corridors, she was already looking for him without admitting it. And then came the eye contacts. Long enough to feel real. Long enough to make her blush . And the cute part? He didn’t look away immediately either. Sometimes, he’d hold it. Sometimes, he’d look down and smile(count your days). And that was enough.

She started blushing a lot. The obvious one. The one you can’t hide no matter how much you try to act normal.And then intentionally she "exposed"herself. One small question, that’s all it took. She asked one of his friends if he was present that day, during our games period. Just a simple, harmless question. But in school, nothing stays small. His friends picked up on it immediately.They knew.

For a whole month, it became this quiet, constant thing. His friends would tease her whenever they got the chance. Not cruelly, but enough to make her “blush” every single time. They’d look at her, then at him, then back at her(during break time). And she would blush so much that it almost became a routine.But what made it worse was that even he started reacting. Whenever their eyes met after that, there was a new kind of "ship" , eye contact ship??(I'm laughing atp ). Sometimes, he’d blush too. Just a little, but enough for it to mean something.Those moments became everything to her.

Because when you’re in that space where nothing is confirmed but nothing feels imaginary OR fake either , you start building something out of it. Hope?? Ig.

I watched her live inside that “hope”. For a month or two, it felt like something was almost happening. Like maybe, just maybe, this would turn into something real. She never said it out loud, but I could see it in the way she carried herself, in the way her mood depended on whether she saw him that day or not.(0.00001secs btw). And then, just like that, it ended.(Not even kidding)

He got a girlfriend.(During the month of June.)

The teasing stopped but the eye contacts stayed. And what about my friend??

It was heartbreaking in a way that’s hard to explain.Because it wasn’t a breakup. There was no relationship to lose. Just a month full of blushing, unspoken feelings and the sudden realization that it all meant nothing in the end.

My younger self would stand in front of me , disappointed. She would wonder why I overthink every connection, why I pull away before anyone gets too close. But I didn't wake up one day and decided to behave like this. I adapted it. And in doing so, i became something I might resent.

But there's a kind of power in becoming what u hated once. Because I'd rather be the one who takes a step back  than crying over someone who'll leave “eventually” .

There was no panic, no chaos, just a stillness that filled the entire space. It was as if time had paused, forcing me to witness something I wasnt meant to understand.

Even after waking up , that stillness hasnot left me. It lingers in small things, the quiet corners of my room, the way everything feels just a little too calm. It feels like a memory and more like something is waiting for me.

Idk if it was only a dream but a part of me believes that next time I might js not be watching.