No to the extra rest you needed, the morning workout you have to skip, the time away from your children or family, the very spare time you had to pour into yourself now belongs to someone else. You’re happy to help but was it wise of you to? Sometimes saying yes is saying no to yourself and your needs.

What would it be like to start saying no more?

What would it feel like in your body? As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve been asking myself this before responding to a potential commitment. I ask myself, how would I feel if I said no and imagine myself saying no and picturing how I feel about it. Do I feel relief? Scared to say no? Guilt? I reflect on that and then ask myself the same question but this time, what if I said yes? Do I feel good about it? Accomplished? Proud? I reflect on this and try to observe without judgement.. and I pray. I used to think listening to my feelings was bad because feelings can be so fleeting and can’t always be trusted, but I’ve learned that our bodies actually tell us so much and with time we learn what feelings we can trust. Sometimes that looks like forgiving yourself for being wrong in the past. Listening to my body and relying on God and the wisdom and discernment He gives, is now my go to when it comes to making decisions.

Check in with yourself.

This isn’t to say, never help anyone and only ever think about yourself. More of a before you commit, check in with yourself. I mean really check in with yourself the way you would with a spouse to see if you guys had plans you didn’t know about and wanted to make sure it’s okay with them. As a single person, I can’t relate to that example BUT why wouldn’t we treat ourselves just as good and with that much respect. For me, I need time to process most of the time and I’ve learned it’s okay to say let me think about it.

Choosing yourself must be the grandest act of self love.

Choosing yourself, is intentionally becoming aware and accepting without judgement what serves you and what does not. It’s respecting your limits and creating boundaries around them. Being observant of who respects them, who fights them, and who flat out crosses them. I’ve learned that choosing yourself can look lonely sometimes. You do a lot more things alone before you find the people who you can be around that don’t drain you. I’ve become okay if people don’t understand me, when before I would over explain myself. There is a power in choosing yourself that allows you to let go of the need for approval. Choosing yourself looks like becoming more you and less of what you think people expect of you.

Our habits tell us if we are choosing ourselves.

What if instead of binge watching Gilmore Girls again you wrote down all your thoughts to try and better understand how you’re feeling? Or wake up fifteen minutes earlier so you have a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before the world and your kids start asking things from you? Stop for a minute and actually listen to your body without judgement? Instead of judging yourself next time you’re feeling tired and having a hard time focusing, give yourself extra self care and more rest. You do not need to earn rest.

Remember where you came from so you never forget how far you’ve come. It’s easy to minimize the changes and transformation in our lives when we’ve gotten used to this new version of ourselves.

Write down where you want to be and how you want to feel in the next six months. Then write what you could do on a daily basis to get there.

If it feels like you never seem to have enough money or just enough to pay the bills, look at your spending. Create a spreadsheet of where your money is going and get rid of things or subscriptions you don’t need, so you actually have time to live life and enjoy your family and friends. Life is not all about work and don’t let the world tell you otherwise. The hustle culture needs to go because it’s stealing our peace.

If you want to feel more connected to God, take five minutes to spend reading the Bible, meditating on a verse and that five minutes will turn into fifteen, and fifteen into thirty (when time allows). Pray while you go for a walk or do the dishes. Put worship music on in your car rides instead what you usually listen to. Talk and confide with other believers about scriptures and what you’re currently struggling with because I guarantee you are not the only one. You will feel the difference of life with God versus life without God.

When you choose yourself and take time to take care of you, you can show up better for others in your life. We often feel guilty for taking time for ourselves to do the things our bodies and minds need, but it’s an act of love to the people in our lives as well.

What if choosing you meant actually believing in yourself and your wildest dreams?

Even if in the beginning you feel like you are just faking it. Because if you don’t believe it why would anyone else and why would it ever actually happen? Believing it creates in you the work it takes and the possibility of it becoming a reality. You do not have to stay in the same job because you are good at it. You are free to explore other opportunities. Don’t let life keep moving without ever doing what you set out to do thinking there will be the perfect time or you will feel more confident. I’m learning you become confident from doing. From proof that you can show up when you say you are going to. It won’t be perfect and it will be messy but you will learn and grow from it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this essay inspired by my own reflections in beginning to choose myself. I’ll come back to it as a reminder to myself.

I would love to hear what it looks like for you, to choose yourself in the comments 🤍

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1. You do not have to be everything to everyone.

2. If you feel relief not being around a person, trust and honor that feeling, don’t judge yourself for it or talk yourself out of it

3. just because you can handle it, doesn’t mean it should be on your plate

4. if they wanted to be there for you they would be

5. the little things don’t matter in the grand scheme of your life

6. do something because you want to, not because you’re trying to please someone else

7. you are replaceable in most of life - except where you are not (like your role as a mother, sister, or friend)

8. you can be grateful and grieve at the same time

9. we were made to give, create, and be seen

10. forgive people, because they’re just people

11. saying yes when you don’t really want to, is saying no to you

12. you deserve to give yourself the grace you freely give others

13. our time here is limited but our impact doesn’t need to be

14. don’t let fear of people hold you back from authentically living your life

15. you do not need to earn rest

16. it’s okay to change your mind, even about the big things

17. you do not owe anyone anything

18. advocate for yourself, you are not an inconvenience for doing so

19. if you wouldn’t talk to a friend that way, don’t talk to yourself that way

20. it’s okay to ask for help, before you’re under water

21. doing what brought you joy as a child, probably still brings you joy as an adult

22. what people think about you does not matter

23. hustle culture is wack - slow intentional living is much better for your nervous system, quality of life, and peace

24. remind yourself often of how far you’ve come - as proof to yourself you can get through the worst of things

25. It’s okay to outgrow people, some people are just for a season

26. do not allow people to access you 24/7 (even for your job)

27. anytime you doubt God, look what he’s already brought you through

28. you can change the direction you’re going at anytime

29. when people show you who they are, believe them the first time

30. don’t fall in love with potential

31. ask God before google

32. your story is being used for God’s glory, even if you don’t see it now

33. writing it down and giving it to God will free you

Let me know if any of these resonate with you or you have one to add yourself! 🤍

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I spent most of my life trying to not be too much for other people. Not too loud or funny, where I take away attention from other people. Not too nice, where they think I’m a pushover. Not too needy, where I’m an inconvenience to them. I would avoid conflict at the expense of myself, sacrificing my own boundaries to avoid it.

Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 32. My life was finally in a stable place after so many challenging and traumatic experiences I had to overcome. As a single mom trying to provide for her son, I was finally on the right track. I worked hard to establish myself in the real estate industry, and worked part time for consistent income while I continued to build my business. I had just bought my own house and got the sweetest boxer puppy (a dream I’ve always had). Then two days before my 32nd birthday, I felt a pea sized lump on the side of my breast near my arm pit. I knew this wasn’t something I could just ignore.

Everything changed after that. I made the appointment for a diagnostic mammogram and I went alone and didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to worry them. I sat in the doctors office and the radiologist told me the biopsies show what is 80% likely to be cancer. After I heard the word cancer, everything else he said was inaudible. It’s like in the movies after the main character hears devastating news, they don’t hear anything else and the world moves quickly around them while their frozen in time. My weeks started filling with doctors appointments, scans, blood tests, surgery consults, plastic surgeon consults. It was like I picked up another job and that job involved trying to save my life. There was too much on my plate. My health became my main priority and I stepped down from my part time job, taking a chance that my real estate business would be enough income. This was one of the first times I really used my voice to show myself self love and stand up for myself, even though it meant they had to search for my replacement which would be an inconvenience to others. I had to learn to advocate for myself when it came to my health or else my concerns would get brushed aside. Finding myself asking tough questions and probably being a “difficult patient” for asking them. I received one opinion from an oncologist and something didn’t sit right, so I scheduled a second opinion. Another act of self love and using my voice. The second opinion involved less chemo, and the less aggressive kind. I opted for that one.

Something in me started changing through this process and I began to use my voice and saw it as an act of love for myself instead of being too much for other people.

I realized the life I have been living hasn’t been very authentic to myself. I began asking myself, do I really want this or am I just doing this to try please someone? This realization led me to see I’ve been living in fear, not actually using my voice or showing the world who I am or how I feel. Giving myself the bare minimum while trying to make sure I keep everyone happy. Going through cancer inspired me to stop being afraid to actually live my life on my own terms.

• To the empaths who constantly minimize their feelings at their own expense to avoid hurting others feelings

• To the givers and people pleasers who find themselves sacrificing their boundaries to avoid conflict

• To the cancer fighters and survivors who are trying to figure out life after a diagnosis

• To the single mother’s doing it alone and trying to give their kids the best version of themselves

• To the people who are working on growing their relationship with Jesus

• To the one’s dedicated to a life of growth looking to rebuild after trauma or a diagnosis - my page is for you

I want this page to be a place people let their guard down and just be themselves, without fear of people or fear of being seen. A safe place where people feel heard and empowered to use their God given voice, to grow into the version of themselves they don’t need to water down. My hope is you follow along and we can help each other grow into our most authentic selves.

Thank you for reading and being here.

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