Maybe you’ve been single for a long time.

Maybe you got divorced and had no choice but to rebuild your life on your own.

Either way, you learned something valuable: you can take care of yourself.

You built your career. You paid the bills. You made the decisions. You solved the problems. You got shit done without waiting for a man to come along and rescue you.

That’s a strength.

But there’s a strange thing that happens when you’ve been self-sufficient for a long time: you know exactly how you like things done.

You’ve spent years making your own decisions, solving your own problems, and trusting your own judgment. So when someone else takes the wheel, it can be tempting to keep one hand on it.

He offers to choose the restaurant, but you end up choosing it.

He plans the weekend, but you revise the itinerary.

He handles something around the house, but you redo it afterward.

Of course your opinion matters. You should have preferences. You should speak up when something matters to you.

But what if everything matters to you?

If every decision has to be done your way, eventually there’s no room for his way.

Can you let him make a decision you wouldn’t have made? Can you let him solve a problem differently than you would? Can you accept “good” without insisting on “my way”?

Because when you repeatedly take over, correct, or redo what he does, the message he receives isn’t simply, “She has an opinion.” It’s: “She doesn’t trust me.”

Over time, a man who doesn’t feel trusted stops taking initiative. And nobody thrives in a relationship where they feel like they’re constantly being supervised or judged.

This doesn’t mean lowering your standards or pretending not to care when something matters. It does mean figuring out what matters enough to speak up about and letting the rest go. It means recognizing the difference between “wrong” and “not the way I would have done it.”

Maybe he picks a different restaurant.

Maybe he takes a different route.

Maybe he loads the dishwasher like a psychopath.

So what?

Part of being in a relationship is letting someone else have a say. Encouraging him to make decisions. Allowing him do things differently than you would, even when you’re pretty sure your way is better.

And when a good man does something thoughtful for you, let him experience the satisfaction of making you happy.

I’ve said for years that men want to feel needed and appreciated. That doesn’t mean becoming helpless so a man can feel powerful. It means giving a good man room to matter.

You’ve already proven that you can thrive without a partner.

A relationship asks something different of you: to create a life where you’re both happier together.

Listen to my latest podcast for more on how appreciation can bring out the best in the man you love.

Love,

Evan

If you’re like a lot of my clients, you may have become independent as a child because you learned you couldn’t rely on anybody else. Maybe you had an absent father. Maybe your Mom was an alcoholic. Maybe your parents fought all the time. The message you picked up was that you’re on your own and no one is taking care of you.

As an adult, you channeled it into something productive. You were intelligent. You had a work ethic. You could always count on yourself. Independence is vital to your survival.

Let’s first acknowledge that self-sufficiency can be a great thing. But limitless independence - as opposed to interdependence - teaches lessons that run antithetical to a healthy marriage.

Case in point: if your Mom was a mess, your Dad was a jerk, and you never trusted your ex-husband to get things done (pay the bills, take out the trash, listen to you), you have a template that reinforces that original message: you’re on your own.

But what happens when you meet a man who is different from that? He’s been successful. He gets shit done. He’s in his masculine and all he wants is to be able to do things for you.

And what does he hear most off when he offers?

“I’m too busy.”

“I can do that myself.”

“That’s not right.”

If men want to be useful and most of your messaging is “I don’t need a man,” he’s most likely to turn to a woman who sees him as useful.

This pattern frequently comes up with my most successful clients, who, out of necessity, take control to succeed in the workplace.

Think about that dynamic in a relationship with an equally successful man.

If you’re like most of my clients, you operate at around 70% masculine energy. That’s the secret to your success. It’s not being passive. It’s not about being agreeable. It’s knowing what you want and going out and getting it. Again, this is a good thing.

Now, picture the man you’re the most attracted to. He’s probably a lot like you - just a little…more. Taller. Smarter. Richer. Funnier.

Better yet, he takes care of things without you having to micromanage him.

Sound great in theory. In practice, we have two people in the driver’s seat. Two hands on the same steering wheel. But neither one is willing to let go of control.

This is the biggest conundrum I’ve seen over two decades of helping women navigate dating and find compatible partners. You genuinely want a man to take care of you, yet it’s really hard to let go of the wheel when you’ve had a firm grip on it your entire life.

To be clear: I’m not asking you to change who you are.

But in a relationship where you want a man to step up for you, at some point, you have to let go of the wheel and let him do things for you.

Let him lift the heavy grocery bag. Let him make the dinner reservation. Let him do things his way without second-guessing and micromanaging.

None of that changes your personality. It exhibits respect and trust that even if he doesn’t do exactly what you want, he’s competent and his opinion matters.

In the healthiest relationships, EACH partner sands down their desire for control. I do this and most of my happily married friends have some version of the same thing.

Listen to my latest podcast to hear how to get it yourself.

Modern dating has taught people an unfortunate lesson: the person who has most of the power is the person who cares the least.

Don’t seem too eager. Don’t double text. Never let someone know you like them.

The irony is that almost nobody wants to play games. Really. They don’t. People play games because they think they have to.

Men worry about coming across as needy, desperate, or creepy. Women don’t want to chase down men. Everyone learns to lean back and wait for the other person to step up.

If you want a template for what’s gone wrong in love, this is it.

Picture a great first date. The woman gets home and thinks, “I had a wonderful time, but I don’t want to text first. If he likes me, he’ll reach out.” The man thinks, “I really like her, but I don’t want to seem overeager. I should give her space.”

A few days pass. She concludes he’s not interested. He assumes she just wasn’t into him.

Nobody got rejected. Nobody got what they wanted.

It should seem obvious that you can be enthusiastic about someone without being desperate.

A man should be able to text a woman the day after a date and say he had a great time and would love to see her again.

A woman should be able to respond right away and say she can’t wait to see him as well.

This is healthy communication yet somehow we’ve convinced ourselves it’s risky.

At some point, someone has to say, “I like you,” without knowing what will happen next.

I nominate men to take the initiative, and I nominate women to be gracious when a man puts himself on the line.

If everyone needs certainty before they show interest, everyone’s bound to lose.

Listen to the latest episode of The Case for Love to hear why caring is the most effective way to find a real relationship in 2026.

After the well-needed force that was the #MeToo movement, we’ve been vigilant about policing male aggression. As a result, there’s a lot of subjectivity around how men should approach women these days. If any situation where a guy flirts, asks for a number, or makes a move without consent can be perceived as harassment or assault, you’re going to see what we see now - a lot of passive, lazy, and utterly confused men.

No one disagrees with the course correction: Rape, coercion, verbal abuse and physical violence are wrong across the board. Men needed clearer boundaries around bad behavior.

But everything is a reaction to a reaction.

And what we see now isn’t making anybody happy.

Men are told not to be proactive because it might be read as creepy or needy or aggressive. As a result, women are left with men who are less likely to engage in the positive courtship rituals of the 20th century:

Call. Plan. Pay. Pursue. Push for commitment.

Instead, you get a lot of, “So, what do you want to do?” or “Wanna hang out?”

Almost all of my smart, successful clients tell me they want a masculine-energy man. Times have changed, but they very much want to feel desired and pursued.

I don’t blame them - but there are fewer young men who adhere to the old script.

The good news for my clients is that there are no shortage of men over 45 who fit the bill. These men are ethical, sensitive, and respect women. They can initiate without coercing. They can pursue without pressuring. They can be confident without dominating.

These men need a place in the conversation.

If every masculine impulse gets treated as dangerous, decent men retreat. Some end up in a defensive crouch. Other men seek voices who validate that they’re not bad, and end up listening to influencers promoting the ugliest version of masculinity.

I think we can all agree that we can condemn bad male behavior without the sweeping generalizations that we see in the media, which only serve to belittle an entire gender.

We know it would be a better world if men understood what it was like to be a woman. We’d be equally well-served if we started listening to how good men are experiencing this moment.

Listen to my latest podcast to learn how understanding the differences between men and women will allow us all to forge healthier relationships with the opposite sex.

Her marriage ended—as so many do—after 26 years. Like many women, she saw the signs when the kids were little, but she stayed until they were grown.

After her divorce, she did what most women do: got online and found a man with a common background, common interests, and great intelligence.

There was only one problem.

While he said he wanted a long-term commitment, their relationship wasn’t deepening. He was cautious because of his past, never said “I love you,” and seemed perfectly content spending time together without making plans for the future.

Janet knew they were doomed within the first month.

She stayed for a year.

That’s when she reached out to me.

Now, Janet is in the best relationship of her life.

When we spoke last week, she told me how her boyfriend attended a conference that wasn’t remotely in his wheelhouse simply because he wanted to understand her better.

THAT kind of man. And yet, old fears die hard.

Because of her self-described anxious attachment style, Janet tends to react strongly whenever there’s a bump in the relationship. During their first few months together, there were at least two times she told me she was going to break up with him, even though he hadn’t done anything notably wrong.

Then something happened that made her wonder if she’d chosen the wrong man all over again.

She and her boyfriend were on a road trip. He was driving. She was navigating. As they approached an exit, the GPS lost its signal. He wasn’t sure whether to get off or stay on. Janet couldn’t get it together in time.

He snapped.

He was frustrated they’d missed the exit and now had to drive ten minutes out of the way. A few minutes later, he came back and apologized.

Janet wanted to know if this was a red flag and she should break up with him.

As Janet was telling me this story, my face slowly broke into a smile.

To be clear, I don’t think her boyfriend handled it well. He was short-tempered. Janet was only trying to help, and technology got in the way.

The reason I smiled was because almost the exact same thing had happened to me and my wife the week before.

We were driving on the freeway at 70 miles an hour when the GPS told me one thing and my wife told me another. Suddenly I had two competing navigation systems talking at the same time. I trust my wife, but she was overruling the map I was looking at.

I followed her directions.

They were wrong.

And yes, I barked at her for talking over the GPS and taking us in the wrong direction.

I was frustrated. It wasn’t pretty.

Five minutes later, we were okay.

It didn’t say anything about my character, my communication skills, or my devotion to my wife. It was a brief moment fueled entirely by stress: one man behind the wheel trying to process contradictory information at 70 miles an hour.

These things happen. Then they’re over.

The problem is that anxious people often don’t let them be over.

They turn one bad moment into evidence that the relationship itself is bad.

Relationships have to be able to withstand moments like these—especially if, as in Janet’s case, the car is the only place she’s ever seen her boyfriend lose his temper.

So I asked her one question: “If I could guarantee your relationship would continue exactly like this for the rest of your life, except four times a year your boyfriend would lose his temper while driving and every time he’d apologize afterward, would you take that deal?”

Without hesitation, she said yes.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met—men and women alike—doesn’t want to be judged or abandoned for their worst moments.

Your power lies in how quickly you come to repair.

It’s not whether someone will occasionally say or do something that frustrates you.

They will.

It’s what they do afterward that matters.

Do they double down?

Do they turn frustration into insults or silent treatment?

Or do they recognize they were wrong, apologize, and make things right?

A huge part of my job is telling women to leave men who lack character, kindness, and communication skills. Those are the relationships where she’s walking on eggshells half the time and is afraid to express an opinion.

Janet’s relationship is nothing like that.

When we were on Zoom last week, her boyfriend was in the kitchen making her dinner while she sat there positively giddy about their future together.

That’s what I want for every client.

There’s no relationship without conflict, but with a little help, you can find a healthy relationship that’s strong enough to survive it.

Maybe you’ve gotten divorced and built a better life afterward.

But if you’re reading this message, you’re likely a smart, successful woman who, whether by necessity or design, created something that works for you: a career that provides meaning and money, a network of friends who provide fun and support, hobbies and interests that provide balance and variety. It’s a life you enjoy, not a life you’re trying to escape from.

At the same time, you’re conscious that you’re doing it all alone, and that it feels like something (or someone) is missing from your life. It would be great to have a man who wants to share in this life.

Someone who supports you emotionally and financially. Someone you can talk to after a bad day. Someone who celebrates your successes. Someone you can bring home for the holidays.

The problem is that you don’t want to give up what you have now.

So you’ve got dual goals that are working in opposition to each other:

How can you find a man who is 100% as committed to you as a husband…without marriage, living together, or losing your independence?

This contradiction lies at the heart of why so many women find themselves in disappointing relationships.

You declare you’re not looking to get married and you love your independence. You find a guy who is ALSO not looking to get married and loves HIS independence.

Next thing you know, you’re in a relationship with a long-distance guy, a recently divorced guy, or a guy whose ideal relationship is once or twice a week.

What you don’t get is a man who will be there for you when your mother is ill, a man who treats your kids like his own, a man who will rearrange his schedule and make you his top priority.

THAT’s the cost of choosing freedom and independence.

Listen, there are many ways to find love and many different working models. But as a dating coach for successful, independent women, I couldn’t help but notice that most of them want a man who is devoted like a spouse… but doesn’t impinge on your life at all.

A relationship-oriented man wants to be needed, valued, and prioritized, too.

To be clear, I’m not telling you to give up what makes you happy.

You can have your life AND a life partner. But if you prioritize freedom and independence OVER a partner, you can’t be too surprised if you’re still standing alone.

The tricky part is holding onto both truths at the same time. You love your independence and you also want a man who’s fully devoted to you.

That’s where I can help.

If you’d like my support in finding a partner who fits the life you’ve already built without giving up what makes you happy, click here to book a private consultation with me.

I’d love to hear about your situation and see whether I can help you have it all.

They write to you online and think that it entitles them to a phone call.

The phone call entitles them to a date.

The date entitles them to sex.

And their desire for commitment entitles them to claim you as a girlfriend after a couple of dates and insist that you take down your profile. Yeah, that’s not how things work.

The problem is that men and women often have different agendas in dating. In general, men want speed and women want comfort.

Which is why men complain that women take forever to meet and women complain that men move too fast. A man who’s been dating online has likely been rejected by 90% of women. He’s matched with women who wanted to text but never meet. He’s shown up for dates only to discover that the woman looked very different from her photos. He’s invested time and energy in women who disappeared just as quickly as they arrived.

After enough experiences like that, his agenda becomes simple: move quickly, meet quickly, see if there’s chemistry, and avoid wasting time.

There’s also another factor that women often overlook: many men are lonely.

You probably have people you can call, text, and lean on when things get difficult. Many men don’t. They put their energy into work, marriage, and family. Then the marriage ends, the kids grow up, and they discover their emotional support system has largely disappeared.

THAT’s why some men talk so much on dates.

THAT’s why dates sometimes feel like therapy.

THAT’s why a man can become attached surprisingly quickly.

You’re the first person who’s listened to him in ages.

When you understand this, his behavior makes a lot more sense. The question is what do you do now? Since you can’t tell if he’s a good guy or a lovebombing lunatic, you may have to become his dating coach and teach him how to court you. Here’s how.

Step 1: Validate Him

Most women skip this step because they’re so focused on correcting the behavior that they forget to acknowledge the intention behind it.

Start by letting him know that you like him.

Tell him you’re attracted to him. Tell him you appreciate his effort. Tell him you can see that he’s serious about finding a relationship.

This matters because people become defensive when they think they’re being rejected. If he hears, “Slow down,” without hearing, “I like you,” he’s likely to interpret it as disinterest.

The goal is to make sure he understands that you’re not pushing him away. You’re trying to create the conditions under which this relationship actually has a chance to succeed.

Step 2: Tell Him He’s Going 100 MPH

Once he understands that you’re interested, you can explain the problem.

You might say something like: “I really like you, but I feel like you’re going 100 miles per hour and I need you to go about 65.”

Then explain why.

“The irony is that I actually want this to work. That’s why I need you to slow down. If things move too quickly, I start to feel pressured. And when I feel pressured, I pull away.”

You’re not telling him to stop pursuing you.

You’re telling him how to successfully pursue you.

Step 3: Help Him See It From Your Perspective

If he still doesn’t understand, give him a hypothetical.

Ask him how he’d feel if a woman met him online, went on one date, and immediately started acting like they were a couple. What if she wanted constant communication? What if she pressured him to delete his profile? What if she assumed exclusivity because she really liked him?

He might be flattered. He’d also think she was a Stage 5 clinger and run away.

The same way he doesn’t want a woman to book a chapel on Date 3, you don’t want to be coerced into turning a virtual stranger into your boyfriend.

Step 4: Show Him Exactly How to Please You

Most men aren’t mind readers. The good ones genuinely want to make you happy. They just don’t know what that looks like.

So tell him.

Tell him that in the beginning, you’d prefer a text every few days and a date about once a week. Tell him that if things continue to go well, you’ll naturally talk more. You’ll naturally become more physical. You’ll naturally spend more time together.

Then paint the picture of where this leads.

“Sometime over the next four to six weeks, I’ll probably realize that you’re the person I want to spend all my time with. I’ll stop talking to other men. I’ll focus on you. I just can’t do that today because I barely know you.”

He’ll laugh because it’s true. Then ask him a simple question:

“If moving at this pace gives us the best chance of working out, can you meet me there?”

Most quality men will say yes.

The men who argue are the ones you need to worry about. The men who insist that because they like you, you should immediately commit to them.

The right man understands that if he wants a relationship with you, he has to create an environment where you feel safe, heard, and understood.

On the other hand, she had a bad family upbringing, she’s never been married, and she has no kids.

Debbie’s story is not that unusual. Lots of women who had dysfunctional families grew up to be overachievers - to try to control their own destiny. Similarly, lots of them never found peace in their relationships because they were drawn to partners who resembled their toxic parents.

Debbie’s dilemma wasn’t whether she was smart, attractive, kind, or had a great personality. She knows her worth in life. Her insecurity is strictly about her inability to tell her story from a place of confidence when she meets new men.

The operative word here is shame. Even the most competent people have a level of embarrassment about their failures, especially ones they haven’t yet overcome.

Over the years, I’ve counseled women who have overcome sexual abuse, have been divorced three times, have had kids out of wedlock, are recovering alcoholics, have a history of mental and physical illness. All of them have the same concern: how do I tell my story without it being a total turn-off that drives every man to run in the other direction?

Today, I have an answer for you.

It’s a formula. I call it the Politician Speech. It’s basically the same answer you’d expect to get from a candidate in a presidential debate when they receive a tough question.

In this case, the tough question is: “why are you still single?” or “What happened with your last relationship?” A question so utterly predictable that leaves you feeling anxious.

You may think questions like this are like an attack, as if a stranger across the table is trying to judge you. That couldn’t be further from the case. In fact, if you’re on a date, that person probably likes you and has no understanding how you ended up at dinner with them.

Getting mad, defensive, or shutting down is the absolute WRONG way to handle these benign yet uncomfortable questions.

Here are the elements to a successful Politician Speech.

1. You need to have a good relationship with your own story. If you’re still in pain about it, it’s hard to talk about it. If you’ve processed your pain and can see it from a distance, it’s a story of triumph.

2. You need to tell the truth. This is why “I just haven’t met the right person” is such a lame answer to “why are you still single?” It’s not that it’s false. It’s that it doesn’t take any responsibility for WHY you haven’t met the right person.

3. You need to add a measure of self-awareness and growth. It’s one thing to talk about struggles you’ve had; what your date wants to know is whether you’re past them or if your issues are still going to present a problem.

4. You need to end on a high note. Just like any feel-good story, you want the person listening to feel positive about you so they can see a path to success.

Naturally, I figured this out from my own struggles. Remember, before I was a happily married dating coach, I was pretty much a mess.

Despite my healthy background, my drive, and my writing skills, at age 30, I was depressed, unemployed, anxious. I put all my energy into being a Hollywood screenwriter and I failed. It was impossible to have those failures not affect my mood or feelings about myself. One date even said that I didn’t need a girlfriend; I needed a shrink. She was right.

Then, at 31, I wrote a book and started dating coaching, in spite of the fact that I was still very much single.

Now imagine trying to tell my story on a date - a 34-year-old man who has never had a real job, has been on 300 dates, and has never had a girlfriend for more than 8 months.

“So, Evan, why are you still single?”

“It’s funny you should ask that. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it myself. I think it’s charitable to say that I was a mess in my 20’s. I came to Hollywood to write screenplays when all of my other friends from Duke were lawyers and bankers. And although I came really close to success a bunch of times - agents, managers, meetings at studios, etc - I never made enough to be a full-time writer.

And at some point, I had to admit that my dream was making me miserable and I had to pivot. Went to film school, got a job answering phones at JDate, and wrote a book about online dating and the next thing I know, I had some success. And I guess, for a few years, I was really enjoying that success - making money for the first time, dating prolifically online.

But after coaching people on the phone, I realized I was a hypocrite: I was giving advice I wasn’t following. I was overvaluing looks and undervaluing character and communication skills. Now I’m at the point where I’m truly excited to get married and begin a family - and I’ve never been in a better position to do so.”

I hope you can see that this is a story of a guy who can reflect on what he did wrong, explain how he learned from his mistakes, and was truly ready for love.

If we look at Debbie’s story - or yours - it wouldn’t be too hard to put together something similar:

“I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family where my Dad had a temper and I never felt safe with him, so I put all my energies into my studies and career.

When I did get into relationships, they were usually with men who were great on paper. Impressive. Intelligent. Fit. But they were usually missing the emotional component and I would invariably stay for 5 years when I probably should have left in a year.

In between, I spent a lot of time building up my career and have a business that, in the past, required almost 24/7 devotion, which pulled me further from healthy integrated relationships.

But in the past few years, I figured out that I could have better work/life balance and have recently recalibrated my schedule to open up more time for love. And, more importantly, I learned not to ignore incompatibilities for months and years just to try to make things work when they’re not working.

So basically, you’re the beneficiary of my previous 42 years of getting things wrong. Lucky you!”

Debbie sounds effortlessly confident, positive, and optimistic despite having a rough upbringing, never getting married, and never having kids.

Whatever you’ve been through may be painful but if you’ve learned your lessons, you can incorporate them into your story, and turn your weakness into a strength.

The New York Knicks won the NBA Title for the first time in 53 years. I’m 53 years old. I’m from New York. Their journey is my journey. As you’ll see, their journey is also your journey.

This is a team that has failed in ways, big and small, for decades. Sometimes, they lost due to bad luck (going against Michael Jordan at his peak). Sometimes, they were outplayed (losing in the Finals in 1999 against a better team). And, for decades, they made a lot of questionable decisions - bringing in high-priced coaches and players who lacked character and didn’t perform up to their potential.

As a Knicks fan, I suffered silently, making the best of a bad situation, knowing full-well that the results were beyond my control. But in the past few years, everything changed.

The owner brought in a general manager who had a vision. The team would be filled with high-effort, high-character players who may not have the biggest names but also wouldn’t have the biggest egos. Guys who knew the meaning of teamwork and sacrifice.

Their leader was a point guard named Jalen Brunson. Even though he won high school and college championships, no one thought he was good enough to lead a pro team. Too short. Not athletic enough. Jalen Brunson just scored 45 points in the final game of the series. Same as Michael Jordan in 1998.

He’s now a legend in New York. Here’s what he had to say after the game.

“I’ve always told myself, and I’ve always been taught by my parents: Never be afraid to fail. You put the confidence you have in everything you do when the lights are on because of everything you’ve done when no one is watching.”

This quote is the reason I’m writing to you today. Because it echoes MY favorite quote - which I have on a painting in my home - “What would you do if you could not fail?”

So, what would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going back online?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going on one date a week?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting rejected by a man you really liked?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting hurt?

The truth is, you don’t lack romantic love because you’re unworthy. If anything, you have underestimated what you’re worth in love, and after years of disappointing relationships, you’re afraid to take the risks required to get what you want.

If fear has been making your decisions - quitting online dating, giving up on men, convincing yourself life is better alone - you’re not playing to win. You’re playing not to lose.

The question isn’t whether you’ll ever get rejected or disappointed again, any more than Jalen Brunson could guarantee the Knicks would win.

The question is whether you’re willing to let your past keep you from creating the future you’ve always wanted.

Love,

Evan

My family, watching the final game, together.

During that time, I’ve read dozens of books on psychology, relationships, communication, and attachment. Some have taught me something new. Some have challenged my assumptions. Most have reinforced ideas I was already seeing play out in my coaching.

But every once in a while, I come across a book that makes me stop and think, “Finally. Someone put the science behind what I’ve been observing all along.”

That’s exactly how I felt reading Amir Levine’s new book Secure.

You know Levine from his blockbuster bestseller Attached, in which he popularized the idea of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. In Secure, he offers the solution on how to act secure and choose a secure partner.

I read the entire book in a week and finished feeling validated. In fact, there were multiple moments where I found myself highlighting passages and thinking, “I’ve been saying this for years.”

Here are five places where Secure and my work converge in ways that made me smile.

1. We both believe security is defined by consistency.

One of Levine’s definitions of a secure partner is someone who is CARRP: consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable.

My terminology for the traits that a good partner must have are: character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment.

Pretty similar, huh?

It shouldn’t be surprising. If a man consistently shows up, follows through, communicates clearly, and treats you with respect, your nervous system relaxes.

That’s what secure attachment looks like.

2. We both encourage you to lean on secure people.

One of the most interesting ideas in Secure is that when your attachment system is activated, you shouldn’t isolate. You should turn to secure people who help regulate your emotions instead of amplifying them.

My clients don’t hire me because I can magically hand them a husband. They hire me because when they’re spiraling, catastrophizing, or making excuses for emotionally unavailable men, I offer a grounded perspective that brings them back to reality.

This is often a healthier approach than asking your friends - many of whom are in bad relationships or struggling with the same issues as you.

3. We both emphasize real-time intervention.

One passage that particularly struck me was Levine’s observation that the most effective interventions often happen in the moment, before old attachment patterns have a chance to take over.

This is why coaching works better than consuming content or therapy. Reading a book is valuable. Venting to a trained professional for 50 minutes is valuable. But when you’re three dates into a confusing situation and your anxious brain is spinning out, you need someone who can interrupt the cycle before you repeat another mistake.

My clients know they can call or email any time and I will get back to them ASAP.

4. We both describe secure relationships as collaborative.

Most online advice focuses on the problems with “people pleasing” and “codependence.” that treats men as your combatants instead of your collaborators.

One of my favorite concepts in Secure is the idea that securely attached people don’t spend their relationships negotiating power. They naturally collaborate.

You’ve heard me describe the best relationships as “easy”? That’s what Levine is talking about and that’s a very different model than constantly setting boundaries with someone who resists your needs.

In truly healthy relationships, both people are equally invested in each other’s happiness.

5. We both focus on the effectiveness of treatment above all.

Levine isn’t interested in labeling people as broken. He’s interested in asking whether a strategy is working. That’s been my coaching philosophy from the beginning. It’s never “right vs. wrong.” It’s “effective vs. ineffective.”

I don’t spend much time debating whether your behavior stems from childhood wounds, attachment injuries, or personality traits. The more useful question is simple: Is what you’re doing getting you the relationship you want?

If the answer is no, we change the behavior.

At the end of the day, both Secure and I are trying to accomplish the same thing: to stop repeating old relationship patterns, and to start building relationships that feel good.

His contribution is explaining the science of secure attachment. Mine is translating those principles into practical decisions that smart, successful women can apply while dating.

Love,

Evan

Last week, the New York Times published an article called “There’s Nothing Wrong With Wanting Men.” It cited many of the same studies, referenced many of the same cultural trends, and used the same phrase: hetero-optimism.

Whether the author ever saw my article is beside the point. The bigger question is why so many people have lost faith in love in the first place.

I think I know the answer.

The Rise of Texting (2010)

Texting is the most ubiquitous—and worst—form of communication.

It’s great for sending memes, sharing articles, flirting during the day, or letting someone know you’re running late. Yet people now use texting to get to know dating prospects and conduct important relationship conversations, and it’s woefully inadequate for both.

Five minutes on FaceTime creates more connection than fifty text messages. Yet because texting is easy, we’ve turned it into the primary language of modern dating, even when it works against us.

The Rise of Social Media (2012)

Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram already existed. Then they moved onto our phones.

As algorithms became more sophisticated, they discovered that outrage keeps people engaged. The same polarization that infected politics eventually infected dating.

If you’re a left-leaning woman online, you’re likely to be fed content highlighting the worst men. On the other side, the manosphere gets rewarded for broadcasting misogyny. The extremes get amplified because the extremes generate clicks.

Meanwhile, most men and women sit in the middle wondering how the conversation became so hostile.

The Rise of Dating Apps (2014)

Dating sites like Match encouraged people to tell stories about themselves. Profiles were long. Conversations happened by email. Emails led to phone calls. Phone calls led to dates.

This was the 1995-2010 version of courtship, and it worked pretty well.

Dating apps replaced that process with a handful of photos and a few one-line prompts. The result is a system that rewards looks and leaves almost everyone feeling disposable.

People then conclude love is broken when the real problem is the way they’re looking for it.

Humans Are Tribal

Imagine that the media published articles with titles like “The Trouble With Wanting Women,” “Women, Where Have You Gone?” or “Why Men Are Tired of Womankeeping.”

It would be credibly accused of misogyny. Yet these are the kinds of headlines being written about men in major publications on a regular basis.

If normal men repeatedly hear that men are the problem, some will become defensive, some will become angry, and some will simply withdraw.

As a single woman seeking relationship advice, you’re likely to see the worst behavior of men in your feed. But the worst is often a function of the systems that have set us up for failure. If an above-average man has to hypothetically swipe on 1000 women to get one date, it’s easy to understand why he’s frustrated and doesn’t want to be told he’s the problem.

This doesn’t excuse bad behavior from men but it does explain why both women and men are retreating to their tribes.

Learned Helplessness Is Real

We’ve removed depth from dating profiles, turning them into mostly photo-based apps.

We’ve removed email from the dating process, replacing longer conversations with one-line texts.

We’ve removed the search functions from dating sites, replacing them with algorithms that decide who gets seen and who doesn’t.

With so many options and so much competition, it becomes harder to focus on one person. People keep looking over their shoulder, wondering if someone better is one swipe away.

At the same time, most early communication now takes place over text. The limitations of dating apps and texting leave people less trusting and more anxious than ever before.

That anxiety shapes people’s dating behavior, which makes the experience worse for everyone. Case in point:

I was at a dinner party with a woman in her 50s who said she only goes on 25-minute coffee dates. She’s busy, after all, and she doesn’t want to waste time.

But what happens when you put a 25-minute ticking clock on a first date? I’ll tell you: it feels shitty. It makes you feel disposable. It creates anxiety about making a great first impression. If most men left you after 25 minutes, you’d want to quit dating too.

Sure enough, that’s what people are doing.

It’s called learned helplessness. If everything you’ve tried isn’t working, the logical conclusion is to give up. But giving up doesn’t solve the problem.

You cannot meet enough people IRL to go out on a date per week.

You can only use the available tools better.

How To Use Online Dating Better

If dating apps, texting, and social media are creating many of these problems, the obvious solution is to MINIMIZE their role in the dating process.

Guess what? It’s not that hard.

Instead of using dating apps with short prompts and endless texting, I encourage clients to use Match. Write a long profile. Log into the desktop version. Communicate for a few days by email. Move to a FaceTime call. If the FaceTime goes well, have a Saturday night date without a time limit.

Suddenly, dating starts to feel a lot better because you’re only meeting men who EARNED a first date with you.

So why isn’t everybody doing this? Because humans are wired to do what’s easiest, not what’s most effective.

Long profiles take more effort than short prompts. Emails take more effort than texts. FaceTime takes more effort than messaging. Dinner dates take more effort than coffee dates. Yet every one of those things creates more connection and gives you more information about a potential partner.

We keep trying to evaluate compatibility through three prompts, four texts, and a rushed first meeting. It doesn’t work. We all know it. Yet somehow everyone has concluded that the problem isn’t the system but the people. They’re wrong.

Men and Women Are the Same as Twenty Years Ago

Social media has changed. Dating apps have changed. Texting has changed. Human nature has not. The evolution of a species takes place over thousands of years, not a few decades.

While it would be easy to talk about how bad men are - and there are no shortage of examples - this observation misses the larger point.

Men today are more evolved than at any point in human history. Despite the very real threats to abortion rights and negativity from the dark corners of the incel community, women and men have never been more equal. There’s a lower tolerance for sexual assault and domestic violence. Women have more college degrees, law degrees and medical degrees. Men are doing more housework and childrearing than ever. If you want an egalitarian relationship, the climate has never been better.

You Can’t Solve Society’s Problems But You Can Find a Good Man.

For women dealing with men who are struggling financially or addicted to porn, gambling, or video games the situation can be difficult. However, if you’re a woman in the top 10% of education and income, the news is much rosier.

There are plenty of quality, commitment-oriented men looking for partnership. In the past two months alone, five clients over 50 have found boyfriends on Match.

That’s why I remain optimistic. Every day, people fall in love and build happy relationships.

Don’t let a broken dating culture convince you otherwise.

Love,

Evan

Inflation is high. Corruption is high. Fear of AI is high. Spend ten minutes scrolling social media and you’ll find endless evidence that the world is getting worse by the day.

Some of that fear is justified. The problem comes when negativity becomes your entire worldview. When you hear the same stories over and over again, eventually they stop sounding like individual experiences and start sounding like universal truth.

That’s how Debbie arrived in my program. Debbie is 67 years old. Smart, attractive, funny. And fully convinced there were no good men left.

Given her history, I understood why she felt that way.

Her father was patriarchal, critical, verbally abusive. There was no affection in their home. No warmth. No appreciation. Her mom felt trapped in a marriage with a man she didn’t even seem to like. Like many women, she thought that was the best she could do, and she unintentionally passed that belief to her daughter.

Not surprisingly, Debbie married a man who felt very familiar. That’s not unusual, by the way. We recreate what feels familiar until we consciously choose something different.

Debbie’s husband lived his own independent life while she quit her high powered job to raise their children. There was no real partnership. Once their second son was born, she told me they were never truly alone together again. No intimacy. No emotional connection. No feeling of being cherished by her husband.

Eventually, the marriage ended, but Debbie’s story stayed the same: Men are selfish. Relationships are lonely. Love disappoints you in the end.

And who continues to reinforce that story every day? All of Debbie’s closest friends!

These are women in unhappy marriages they entered into decades ago. These are divorced women who have given up on the possibility of love. These are women who have plenty of evidence supporting the belief that relationships are draining.

Now, to be clear, their experiences were real. I’m not dismissing them. But it was still a very narrow slice of life. If everyone around you believes there are no good men, it simply becomes reality.

Then Debbie hired me.

At first, she wasn’t even talking much about men. She was talking about herself. How tired she was of feeling stuck. How lonely life had become. Solo trips. Museums. Girls nights out. Trying to fill her time while secretly feeling dead inside. She missed companionship. She missed affection. She missed feeling excited about the future instead of simply managing her disappointment.

And underneath all of it was something deeper: Debbie didn’t just stop believing in men. She stopped believing something better was still possible for her.

That began to change once she found herself surrounded by women who had a completely different experience of dating and relationships. Women with healthy boundaries. Women who understood men better. Women who had stopped chasing emotionally unavailable guys and started choosing men who actually showed up consistently.

Three months later, Debbie has seen five women in her mastermind finish the program with serious boyfriends. That shook her worldview in the best possible way.

Because both stories are true.

There are unhappy marriages everywhere. There are selfish men everywhere. There are people who stay together for forty years and barely even like each other.

There are also healthy couples. Loving marriages. Emotionally available men. Relationships where women feel safe, heard, and understood every single day.

Your life is shaped by which story you immerse yourself in.

If you wanted to get rich, you probably wouldn’t spend all your time around people explaining why success is impossible. If you wanted to get healthy, you probably wouldn’t surround yourself with people committed to unhealthy habits.

Yet women do this with love all the time.

They surround themselves with chronic pessimism, disappointment, and fear, then wonder why they feel hopeless about dating.

“My friends think I’m naive for believing in love.”

“My divorced friends tell me all men are terrible.”

“My married friends tell me marriage isn’t worth it.”

These people aren’t bad people. Usually they’re hurt people. But hurt people often mistake their personal experience for universal truth.

Your past is real. Your pain is real. Your disappointment is real. That doesn’t mean it has to become your future.

One of the biggest changes I see in women who succeed in love is that they stop reinforcing the same old narrative. They stop collecting evidence for why happiness is impossible. That’s what Debbie finally realized at 67 years old.

She had spent her entire life surrounded by evidence supporting one painful belief about men. For the first time, she chose to place herself in a different environment with different conversations and different outcomes. And slowly, her perspective has changed.

If this resonates with you, it may be worth asking whether the people around you are helping you move toward love or away from it.

And if you’re tired of trying to figure this out alone, schedule a private consultation with me.

Together, we’ll identify the beliefs and patterns keeping you stuck and help you create a path toward the healthy relationship you deserve.

Love,

Evan

Mirroring is designed to keep you from chasing down ambivalent men.

He texts, you text back. He calls, you call back. He says, “I can’t wait to see you,” and you warmly respond in kind. Simple.

The reason mirroring works is because confident men make things easy for you.

You don’t have to remind them you exist.

You don’t have to wonder where you stand.

You don’t have to carry the relationship while trying to convince yourself “he’s just busy.”

When I met my wife, she never had to call to see where things stood between us. I always initiated, followed up, and made plans. Not because I read a dating book about masculine energy, but because I liked her and wanted to see her again.

That’s what confident men do.

Mirroring protects women from overinvesting in men who are ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, or more interested in someone else. Frankly, that’s a LOT of men.

If a guy likes you but consistently puts in minimal effort, disappears for days, or expects you to keep the conversation alive, mirroring is an excellent dating technique.

But mirroring as a blanket rule is imperfect because not every man is the same.

Some men are naturally assertive and decisive. They have no problem pursuing women. They assume you’ll like them. They’re comfortable taking the lead.

Other men are more cautious. Less experienced. Less confident. Sometimes they like you but don’t fully trust that the feeling is mutual.

That doesn’t automatically make them weak or uninterested. It may simply mean they’re not wired to be the guy climbing the highest tree to pluck the apple off the top.

This is where smart women often get confused.

You meet a nice, thoughtful, relationship-oriented man who isn’t naturally aggressive in dating and compare him to the cocky guy who aggressively pursued you in the past.

The difference is that the cocky guy often pursued EVERYBODY.

The more passive guy may actually value you more.

So how can you tell whether a man is shy or simply not interested?

Easy. Pay attention to his personality.

A confident guy who barely reaches out probably isn’t thinking about you very much.

The agreeable, slightly awkward guy who seems nervous about doing the wrong thing may need more reassurance and reciprocity. That distinction matters.

Which brings me to a video in my Love U course called “The Two Exceptions to Mirroring.”

The first exception is when the connection is mutually strong. If you had an amazing date and something funny reminds you of him the next day, you can send him the video without worrying that you’re acting desperate.

There’s a huge difference between reaching out because you feel secure in the connection and because you’re afraid you won’t hear from him.

One comes from confidence. The other comes from anxiety.

A woman who is spiraling because a man hasn’t texted in twelve hours is not in her feminine energy. She’s in fear.

A woman who casually sends something playful because she feels good about where things stand is operating from abundance.

The second exception to mirroring is even more important.

Sometimes a man will directly say something like:

“You know, you could call me too.”

Most women hear this and immediately think: “Ugh. Weak. Passive.”

But that’s not necessarily what’s happening.

He may simply be telling you the kind of relationship dynamic that feels good to him - which, by the way, is identical to what you want HIM to do for YOU.

And if you want emotional intimacy with men, you can’t ignore what men say they need while expecting them to endlessly accommodate what YOU need.

Women constantly tell men: “I want consistent communication.” Fair enough. But if a man says: “I’d love to hear from you sometimes too,” and you refuse because some influencer told you never to initiate, you’re not responding to his needs. You’re following rules.

For many successful women, relationships naturally land in a more collaborative place anyway.

You’re proactive. He’s agreeable. You make some plans. He makes others.

Neither person is rigidly attached to old-school gender roles because the dynamic feels good to BOTH of you. That’s the key.

The goal is not to perform femininity correctly. The goal is to create a relationship where you both feel safe, understood, and valued.

Some women genuinely want a masculine man who does all the initiating forever.

That’s fine.

But if you want that dynamic, you also have to embrace the traditionally feminine role that comes with it: warm, receptive, and appreciative.

You can’t simultaneously demand traditional masculine pursuit while showing up like a demanding CEO interviewing potential partners.

Relationships are partnerships. Different couples arrive at that in different ways. The important thing is not who texted first. The important thing is whether both people feel wanted.

Love,

Evan

This devastating breach of trust ended a marriage that Janice acknowledges should have ended long before. Even though she’s happier now that she’s not stuck in a suffocating relationship, Janice has been scarred by her experience.

Questions abound: How long was he lying to me? Was our entire relationship a lie? Was he in love with her? Was it partially my fault? Did I miss the signs? Could I have done anything differently? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever love again? How can I make sure this never happens again?

As her coach, it’s my job to answer all of Janice’s questions with sensitivity. Six months after hiring me, Janice is in a promising new relationship for the first time since her divorce.

His name is Tom. Like Janice, he’s in his mid-60s. Like Janice, he’s fit and into personal growth. Like Janice, he was burned by a bad marriage but aspires to having a healthy one.

Four weeks into their relationship, Tom had already made clear that he wanted to be exclusive to Janice. He was even there for her when she got notification of a health scare.

In her words: “This morning when I woke up, I texted him at 7:00. He didn’t respond right away because he was in the shower. When he did respond, he apologized for the delay and immediately called to see if I was okay. I told him I could really use some support--thinking through options for my care. He was over within an hour. Said he would listen without giving advice unless I specifically asked for it. He is wonderful.

Asking for help was a very vulnerable thing for me. I didn’t even ask my husband all those years because of early experiences with him around it. I understand now that he didn’t have the capacity.

All of this is to say how much I appreciate you and your work. Without it I wouldn’t be where I am and for sure would have written off this great guy. So yes I did the work...your work.

Forever grateful,

Janice

Beautiful. Another Love U Love Story, right? Not quite.

Two weeks later, Janice heard from a friend that Tom’s profile was still live on Match - even though he said he had taken it down. Janice left him a voice mail immediately, shocked because he never gave her any reason to question him. Here is his follow up text:

“Closing the loop. All notifications turned off and profile hidden, I am sorry that you have been given reason to question or doubt me. In my mind, I believe we are in an exclusive (monogamous) girlfriend and boyfriend relationship with the intent to build a long term relationship. I feel strongly that our ability to communicate is one of the things that has made this even possible. I don’t know the future but I do know that I am ready, willing and able to give this everything I’ve got to see where we can take this experiment together! Hope that helps.”

This exchange triggered Janice. She concluded her new boyfriend is dishonest, her trust has been broken, and she can’t continue. Before acting, she wanted to run it by me first.

I cited a few core Love U ideas:

Look at his pattern of behavior. Tom wanted to be Janice’s boyfriend well before she was ready to commit to him. He has already stepped up to act like her boyfriend after her scary diagnosis. He immediately took down his profile and spent close to two hours explaining himself after this misunderstanding. Logically, it doesn’t make much sense for a guy to do all this…while actively pursuing other women.

Remember: It’s full trust or no trust. This is not to say that every man is trustworthy - only that if you’re dating a man you don’t trust, you should get rid of him. “So”, I asked Janice, “based on your interactions thus far, do you trust him or not?” Turns out, Janice trusts him, despite the fact that his profile was still active. And yet she was this close to breaking up with him out of fear.

I then shared a story about myself (as I am wont to do).

See, although I met my wife at a party in Beverly Hills 20 years ago, we were both on Match at the time. After 4 weeks of dating, I pulled my profile down and started referring to her as my girlfriend. By our second month together, I’d already met her family, helped her move, and was planning a vacation to Greece and Turkey.

And yet I remember distinctly in Month 3 of our relationship, wandering around her one-bedroom apartment, looking at everything on the walls and countertops as she finished up her shower. There were tons of artifacts from her international travels… and a wide-open laptop with an inbox showing dozens of emails from Match.

Wait, what? This was my GIRLFRIEND. The one I was taking to Europe. My profile was down. I only assumed her profile was down. What could this possibly mean?

Given that my girlfriend was a high-integrity, high-EQ person, the most logical explanation was this: she just forgot to hide her Match profile. As a result, Match would send her an email with a bunch of hot guys every day that she would summarily ignore.

Since my wife now has over 50,000 unopened emails in her inbox, maybe her profile is STILL up. I have no idea. All I know is that - because I trusted her - my mind didn’t immediately leap to the worst case scenario, but rather, the best case scenario.

This is what experts mean about “assuming positive intent.” When you’re with a good person, you should assume the most charitable interpretation of events until proven otherwise. This method has served me incredibly well throughout my life.

I predict it will serve Janice well in her relationship with Tom.

Love,

Evan

One drops his backpack and starts putting on running shoes.

The other says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

He says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I just have to outrun you.”

That’s what we’re going to be talking about today, using a real story of a real woman who is in a real relationship with a real smart, wealthy, relationship-oriented man.

The moral of the story: you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be the woman who makes a high-quality man feel like choosing you is the obvious decision.

Chelsea was referred to me by a matchmaker who charges $100-$500K for her services. The matchmaker said she wouldn’t take her on as a client until she worked with me for six months. The unstated implication was that Chelsea was cold, difficult, and a workaholic, and would therefore be hard to match with her stable of wealthy men.

I’m thrilled to say that - nearly a year later - none of those things are true.

Chelsea is a multi-millionaire. She owns a small business with full-time employees, she has two kids and a live-in nanny. Her responsibilities are considerable. But all the stuff that the matchmaker was preparing me for has simply been a matter of a mistaken first impression.

Chelsea laughs easily. She asks me about my wife’s health. She’s open to feedback. She’s cried, multiple times, on our Zoom calls. Like many of my successful clients, she’s a Type A woman with a soft heart. She really is smarter and more productive than most men. She really does intimidate most men. Not because she’s trying but because she’s that impressive.

Two months ago, Chelsea started a relationship with a man who is truly her equal in terms of education, worldliness, and success. Like all men, he comes with a measure of baggage - but the baggage hasn’t proven to be that heavy. He’s a little older than she’d like. He’s got a little bit of that fragile male ego that needs stoking. But otherwise, Chelsea has been incredibly happy to find a man on her level. He’s been doing all of the initiating and planning, and eagerly took down his profile to focus on their relationship.

There was only one problem - which came up on the phone this week. Chelsea is concerned that her boyfriend is still in love with his ex. Her evidence: she cheated on him less than a year ago, precipitating their divorce, and any mention of her still gets him agitated.

And everyone knows that if a man still expresses emotion about his ex, that must mean he’s in love with her. Right?

Not quite.

Being a good partner largely involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and considering why a good man would think/act differently than you’d want them to.

When we perform this exercise on Chelsea’s boyfriend, it’s clear that he’s angry at his ex for many reasons: for cheating, for lying about cheating, for precipitating the dissolution of their former life, and for trying to get as much money as she can in the settlement.

Could you blame him?

On our call, Chelsea said she was inclined to tell her new boyfriend to ignore his ex and stop talking about her. Perhaps they could move on without ever bringing her up again.

That’s not how people work, I told Chelsea. Imagine if one of your friends had been cheated on by her husband, he initiated a divorce, and wanted to screw her financially.

Would you tell her to get over it? Would you tell her that she’s being thin-skinned? Would you tell her that she should stop talking about the central drama in her life?

You would not. Women never talk that way to each other. They lead with empathy.

“Oh my God. He is SUCH a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you. How selfish! How ungrateful! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What can I do to make it better? Do you want me to kill him? Or just take you out for a nice meal? Whatever you need.”

This is what your friend wants to hear. You certainly would not be dismissive of her feelings, no matter how much she talks about her evil ex.

When I said this to Chelsea, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

In that moment, she understood that she needed to treat her boyfriend the way she treated her best girl friends. And she realized that she DIDN’T do this in her marriage.

She’s not alone.

We all tend to be less empathetic to our partners than we are to our friends, employees, and strangers. This presents an incredible opportunity to change the narrative.

Without knowing anything about Chelsea’s boyfriend’s marriage, my guess is that if infidelity was involved, the marriage had been dying for years.

Chances are that both parties stopped leading with kindness and were increasingly cold and dismissive of each others’ needs.

If that’s the case, wouldn’t it make sense for Chelsea to do the opposite? To kill him with kindness? To nurture him in a way that his ex likely did not?

It seems obvious that patience, warmth, and trust will bring out a better side in this guy than doubling down on the criticism that his wife surely leveled at him in the past.

This is what I meant by saying you don’t have to outrun the bear.

You just have to outrun his ex. How? By making him feel more accepted and appreciated than she did. I promise you: the bar is not that high.

Love,
Evan

Upset at the unraveling of our institutions, angry at those who don’t listen to their constituents, afraid of how little control we have over our lives.

I can vote. I can doomscroll for 5 hours a day. But there’s little I can do to change the trajectory of the U.S. and its politics. Thus, I have two choices: despair, or go on living.

Despair is easy. In light of our own powerlessness, we become paralyzed by indecision. We stop taking action because we don’t know what action to take. If anxiety triggers the fight or flight mechanism - and we don’t know who to fight - we withdraw.

That’s what millions of women are doing when it comes to love.

“I don’t know what to do” turns into “I won’t do anything at all.”

Everybody agrees: Dating apps are bad. Men are toxic. Relationships are pointless.

Then there are my clients.

If you’re reading this, they’re women who are a lot like you. They’re going through a midlife reinvention. Maybe it’s a divorce. Maybe it’s an empty nest. Maybe it’s retirement. Maybe it’s all of them.

Despite the uncertainty, what you do know is that you’re smart, resilient, and financially independent. You don’t need a man but you still want a man - as long as that man is not like your ex. If you’re going to be with a guy, he has to add value instead of drain your life force.

What does adding value mean?

He has to prioritize you. He has to listen to you. He has to respect you. He has to communicate with you. He has to have his own life - and want to be a part of yours.

I know that after a bitter divorce or years of unsuccessful online dating, it’s hard to conceive that this man is real. He is. And, in fact, there are lots of men like him.

How do I know this if I’m a married man who hasn’t been on a date for 20 years?

My clients tell me.

8 women attended a small group coaching call on Tuesday night.

4 of them are new and haven’t started dating yet.

The other 4 are all in relationships that started online since they’ve worked with me.

Sara is a 65 year old marketing executive who was widowed after 30 years.

Alison is a 54 year old scientist who chooses abusive men with avoidant attachment issues.

Jessica is a 64 year old life coach who went through a painful divorce after 26 years.

Denise is a 44 year old entrepreneur who is never married with no kids.

All are great catches. All had broken man-pickers. All found men who are kind, generous, and commitment-oriented within two months of working with me.

This is a testament to those women.

Where other women stayed paralyzed, they took action.

Where other women bought the lie that love is impossible, they proved otherwise.

It’s not about whether you can find love.

It’s about whether you choose to - like Sara, Alison, Jessica, and Denise.

If you’re ready to make that choice for yourself, I’m here.

Love,
Evan

I don’t say that to gain your sympathy. I say that because it’s true. The side effects of cancer and chemo have left her feeling tired and achy all the time. The only sounds I hear all day are my wife gasping for breath going upstairs and saying “ow” at random times.

Since I can’t help her heal faster, I try to make her life easier. I pay all the bills. I’ve taken on more carpooling, more cooking, more cleaning. Whatever she wants, I do, no questions asked. That’s the job description and I take it seriously.

At some point, my wife will be better again and we will return to normal. Or maybe not. You never know. But vowing to love someone, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part, means something. I love my wife like I love my kids. Unconditionally.

That love gives me meaning and purpose beyond the pleasures of daily life.

On Saturday, a close friend came to my house for a leisurely afternoon.

She’s in her mid-50’s and objectively an amazing catch. Smart. Beautiful. Successful. She got divorced twenty years ago and raised two young men by herself.

Now she’s in a 4-year long-distance relationship. She sees him on the weekends.

She loves her freedom. She loves her independence. She doesn’t want a greater commitment. She wants exactly what she has.

When I asked her about her stance on a more integrated partnership, she told me that while she believes in marriage for some people, she doesn’t believe in it for her.

Which is perfectly fair. Whatever floats her boat. The issue I have is not with any person who values autonomy. The issue I have is with societal messaging around this topic.

“Is marriage dead? Is it the last vestige of the patriarchy?”

It’s as if millions of happily married people don’t even exist. I asked my friend why she would limit the heights of her love to weekends. Here’s what she said.

“People aren’t meant to be with one person forever.”

Biologically, this is true. We live longer than we used to. We are all attracted to other people. Then again, people override their biology all the time.

The same way that democracy - however flawed - is the best political system, and capitalism - however flawed - is the best economic system, long-term monogamy remains the best relationship model - provided you choose a good partner.

Being single is hard. Dating is hard. Polyamory - don’t get me started. Which is why if you find one person with whom you want to share your feelings, your expenses, your bed, your travel, your joys and your sorrows, you win.

Do you need a man if you’re financially independent? No, you do not.

Would you like to have one who adds value instead of subtracting it? Most women would.

They just don’t believe they can find it because of their previous experience.

“You don’t need a piece of paper to have a committed relationship.”

It’s true. You don’t. And if you’re part of a couple that’s been together for twenty years without the piece of paper and are functionally married, you can ignore this article.

But, apart from the legal benefits, I don’t think marriage is just a piece of paper. It’s a commitment to the commitment. It’s the declaration that you accept someone in full and you’re not going anywhere.

It’s not that people don’t break their vows or ever get divorced; it’s that the commitment in a marriage is far more serious than just having a boyfriend. It’s buying instead of renting. It’s taking a full-time position instead of a temp position. A boyfriend may become a husband but they are not one and the same.

In fact, the woman who inspired this piece told me about her previous boyfriend who ghosted her after four years. Husbands will occasionally do that, but the integration of life partnership signifies something larger than “we enjoy dinner and sex on the weekends.”

“I don’t know of any happy couples.”

You may have heard the saying, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”

If you come from a family of divorce, verbal abuse, cheating, narcissism, or alcoholism, it will impact how you see the world. If you married someone with these traits, that will only further solidify your view about marriage. And if you spent 10, 20, or 30 years, bending over backwards to accommodate the selfishness of some fatally flawed man, the most logical reaction to that is “never again!”

But you must keep in mind, this is only YOUR experience of marriage. It’s not THE experience of marriage. Are there a lot of bad marriages? Sure. Probably ⅔ of them. So if you’re risk-averse, you might conclude that there’s no point in taking a chance on something that doesn’t have a high success rate.

Then again, those ⅔ have nothing to do with you. I’m not advocating commitment for the sake of commitment, or marriage for the sake of marriage. In other words, my agenda is not to “get you married,” but only to point out that there are MILLIONS of happy marriages.

The same way my friend is surrounded by a lot of divorced middle-aged women who are done with marriage, I’m surrounded by a lot of happily married couples.

Is that a coincidence? Or a perfect example of “We don’t see things the way they are. We see things the way we are”?

The point of this post - believe it or not - is not about marriage. It’s about the lens through which you view the world and the limiting beliefs we all maintain.

My friend thinks she’s in the best situation for her because she has a monogamous boyfriend 90 minutes away who gives her lots of space.

I don’t doubt that she’s content with the arrangement.

So I’ll pose the same question to you as I did to her:

Do you think that, if you had cancer, your boyfriend would pay all your bills, drive you to chemo, and devote his life to ensuring your wellness and survival? Or is he with you until there’s a bump in the road or he meets a younger woman who lives closer?

You already know the answer.

The question is what would you rather have?

A boyfriend? Or a husband?

Love,
Evan

Dating apps are ubiquitous. They’re free and frictionless and easy to use.

Dating apps are shallow. They reward looks and, due to having three short prompts, limit your ability to showcase your personality.

Because of the high volume of people and low-quality of the interaction (Hey!), many people are burned out on the dating app experience.

You conclude that because dating apps are bad and meeting in person is good, they should delete their apps and start doing more activities IRL.

You take up pickleball. You join a hiking club. You consider golf. You discover that despite all of these genuinely fun hobbies, your love life hasn’t changed at all.

This is the story of millions of women, who have collectively come to the false conclusion that it’s impossible to meet quality men - both online and in real life.

Here’s what they’re missing:

That’s a screenshot of one of my client’s Match statistics for her first week online.

Marisa is a 44-year-old single mom in New Jersey.

This image dispels a bunch of myths all at once:

1. Nobody under 60 is using Match.

Well, at least 1976 men who liked her profile in the past 7 days are using it.

2. Men are shallow and don’t take the time to read profiles.

I write my private clients two 200 word essays (About Me/About Who I’m Looking For). Every single one sees an immediate difference in the quality and quantity of men, and receives multiple emails saying that it’s the best profile they’ve ever read.

Quality men still seek out quality women.

3. Guys just want to meet in person ASAP and won’t respect your boundaries.

Of the 202 men who wrote, Marisa responded to 20. Four earned FaceTime conversations. Two earned dates.

Next week, Marisa, will likely text 5-10 new guys and have 1-2 more dates.

She will do this over and over until she finds a man worthy of her commitment. In my experience, that will take her less than six months.

What I hope I’ve illustrated is that while most people are reading the dating market wrong - either opting out or dating ineffectively - my clients are making a killing.

• Instead of relying on luck and hobbies to generate a love life, they’re dating online.

• Instead of dating apps, they’re using dating sites - with longer profiles and emails.

• Instead of thinking men are impossibly shallow and won’t consider middle-aged single moms, they’re seeing that tons of quality are still interested in depth.

• Instead of getting stuck in texting hell and meeting strangers for coffee, they’re making men meet on FaceTime before earning a real-life date.

It’s a system. It works. And in a world where everyone else is dropping out of the dating market, in truth, it’s a perfect buying opportunity.

Click here to get started.

Love,

Evan

Pure marketing genius. Flatter your audience (women). Find a common enemy (men). Wash, rinse, repeat. And hey, it’s kind of fun to point out the worst behaviors of the opposite sex, because there is some truth to stereotypes. Here are ten semi-true examples

Men think about sex a lot
Crude but accurate. Frequency varies, but the baseline is higher than most women expect.

Men will sleep with women they wouldn’t seriously date
Sexual standards and relationship standards are often different.

Men avoid difficult conversations
Especially emotional or relationship-defining ones. Many will delay or minimize rather than engage directly.

Men can be emotionally immature
Not all, but a meaningful percentage haven’t developed the same level of emotional awareness or communication skills.

Men are territorial/possessive
Jealousy, protectiveness, ego around their partner. This shows up across cultures.

Men overestimate their own attractiveness or value
Confidence sometimes drifts into delusion. You see it in dating apps constantly.

Men are lazy in relationships once they feel secure
Effort during pursuit can drop off after commitment.

Men struggle with subtlety
Hints, indirect communication, nuance: many miss it. Men respond better to directness.

Men bond through activity more than conversation
Connection often centers around doing things, not talking things through.

Men’s self-worth is tied heavily to status and success
Money, career, respect from men—these matter deeply, often more than relationships.

Remember, I’m a guy and I’m saying that these negative stereotypes are often true. Not always. But enough that when you scan that list, you probably nod your head.

Sex-crazed, emotionally undeveloped, delusional, jealous, controlling, insecure.

“THIS is what I’m dealing with,” you think. What’s the point of dating if men - across the board, stereotypically - are so highly flawed?

That’s what content like “The Problem with Women…Is Men” would suggest.

Here’s the problem with such dating advice: it teaches you nothing. It validates what we all want to believe: we’re perfect and everyone else out there sucks.

It’s just not true. If you’re a heterosexual woman who dates men, the above list may hit a little too close to home. But if you were a heterosexual man, you’d have a different list, wouldn’t you? One that would look a little more like this:

Women say they want one thing but respond to another
Stated preferences (kind, stable, nice) don’t always match actual attraction (confidence, edge, status).

Women are more selective than men
Across apps and real life, women filter harder and reject more quickly.

Women can be indirect communicators
Hints, implications, reading between the lines. Saying something without saying it outright.

Women talk about relationships…a lot
Processing with friends, analyzing interactions, replaying conversations.

Women compare themselves to other women
Looks, lifestyle, relationship status. Social comparison drives behavior.

Women can lose attraction quickly
A single moment - neediness, weakness, inconsistency - THE ICK - can flip a switch.

Women can hold onto resentment longer
You may forgive, but you won’t forget. Most guys get over fights faster.

I’m not saying these all apply to you (no more than the entire men’s list applied to me) but I hope you can see how some men might draw such conclusions.

In fact, they have - in the Manosphere. That’s the sad corner of the Internet where men overemphasize the worst stereotypes of women and live as if they’re 100% true.

If women are into looks more than nice guys, you should biohack and work out 2 hrs/day.

If women are into money, you should be an influencer who drives a Lamborghini.

If women are into “masculine men,” you should act like a douche who has no feelings.

It’s ridiculous.

Naturally, women see men who act like this and conclude the worst stereotypes of men are true. And around and around we go.

So let’s put down our swords and speak reasonably. We don’t want a world where women demonize men and men demonize women. We want a world in which we can acknowledge the differences between men and women and even celebrate (or laugh at) them.

This is the world so many of my happily married clients inhabit.

I invite you to join us.

Love,
Evan

It sounds logical. It feels right. And yet, if that approach actually worked, you wouldn’t still be searching. Because here’s the truth no one tells you:

Your type tells you who you’re attracted to.

It doesn’t tell you who’s good at relationships.

If you’re the CEO of your love life, THAT’s what you’re hiring for.

Who is good at being my partner?

That’s where the Big 5 personality traits come in. This is one of the most researched, validated ways to understand how people think, behave, and relate to others.

In other words, it tells you how a man is going to show up when it actually matters.

Let’s talk about what that means in real life.

The first trait is openness.

This is about curiosity and flexibility. A man high in openness is willing to consider new ideas, have real conversations, and grow over time. A man low in openness tends to be rigid, set in his ways, and resistant to change.

If you’ve ever felt like you were dragging a man through emotional conversations while he shut down or dismissed your perspective, you’ve experienced low openness.

You don’t need someone who agrees with you on everything. You need someone who is willing to engage with you.

My wife and I are very different people but we’re both high in openness. Our default is to say “yes” to each others’ requests. You MUST choose a man who says “yes” more than no.

The second trait is conscientiousness.

Conscientiousness is about reliability, responsibility, and follow-through. It’s the difference between a man who says he’ll call and does, and a man who says he’ll call and disappears for three days.

When women tell me they feel anxious in dating, nine times out of ten, they’re dealing with a man who lacks this trait.

I’ve often said that my wife didn’t meet the image I’d built in my mind of my ideal partner. Turns out she didn’t have to. The one thing I know about her is that she’ll ALWAYS do the right thing. She’s honest, ethical, good to the core, and I never have to worry about whether I trust her to do the right thing. Why would ANYONE have a partner they can’t trust?

The third trait is extraversion.

This one is often misunderstood. It’s less about being loud and more about engagement and initiative. A man with healthy extraversion leans in. He asks you out. He expresses interest. He creates momentum.

A man on the low end may be perfectly nice, but he leaves you guessing. You end up doing the emotional labor, initiating plans, wondering where you stand.

Attraction needs movement. Relationships stall when no one is driving.

In my marriage, my wife is very affable, but I’m more extraverted. I’m the one who looks for cool things to do in Los Angeles, makes the reservations, and picks up the check. I’m the one who called my wife every day we were dating - and she never had to call me once.

I don’t judge those who are more passive and content doing nothing; I just think it’s a lot easier to understand the intent of a man who leads your relationship forward.

The fourth trait is agreeableness.

This is about kindness, empathy, and cooperation. A man high in agreeableness is considerate, respectful, and capable of seeing your point of view.

A man low in this trait turns everything into a negotiation or a fight.

If every disagreement feels like a battle, you’re not dealing with a “strong personality.” You’re dealing with someone who lacks the emotional generosity required for a healthy relationship.

I’m thrilled to say I chose a partner whose default setting is to please others - and it’s rubbed off on me over the past 19 years. The best dating advice I can give to men is to say “Yes, dear,” rather than “You’re not the boss of me!”

The fifth trait is emotional stability - a lack of neuroticism.

This might be the most important of all.

Emotional stability is about how someone handles stress, conflict, and uncertainty. A man who is emotionally stable doesn’t spiral, withdraw or lash out when things get hard.

The question isn’t whether challenges will arise. The question is whether he can handle them without making you feel unsafe or misunderstood.

My wife is decidedly less neurotic than I am. I hate that but it’s true. I’m grateful that most of the time, I lead a stress-free life. I’m also conscious of the costs of being with someone on an emotional roller-coaster.

If I could give anyone blanket relationship advice applicable to all sexes: marry someone happy and reasonable. If you choose “unhappy and unreasonable” men, all the chemistry and common interests will not matter.

Now step back and look at what we’ve been taught to prioritize instead. Height. Income. Shared hobbies. Whether he likes dogs. Whether he grew up in the same religion.

These things are easy to see. They’re easy to list on a profile. They’re easy to bond over on a first date. But they tell you almost nothing about how a relationship is going to feel in six months, much less six years.

A man can check every box on your list and still be rigid, inconsistent, passive, combative, and emotionally volatile. A man who doesn’t perfectly match your “type” can be open, reliable, engaged, kind, and steady.

One of those men will give you butterflies. The other will give you peace.

If you want the relationship you deserve, you have to start paying attention to the traits that actually predict that outcome.

If this is hitting a nerve, it should.

Because once you see this, you can’t go back to choosing men the same way.

The only question is what you do with it.

If you’re ready to stop guessing and start choosing better, I invite you to schedule a private consultation with me.

We’ll talk about your patterns, what’s been keeping you stuck, and what it would take to finally create the relationship you deserve.

Love,
Evan