easier said then done right?

as a chronic overthinker, i try to have everything under control. if something doesn’t go the way i had planned, i get very agitated. i feel as though i don’t have any choice over what happens and that terrifies me. perfectionist? perhaps. but with life’s unpredictability, there is no way we can have complete control over everything that happens in our lives.

the biggest change that threw me off course a lot this year was losing a long-term friendship i never thought would end. now, nothing huge had happened to cause this - although i think this made it harder. a girl who stuck with me through thick and thin has turned into a stranger i know nothing about. messages became less frequent, plans were cancelled and suddenly, silence. i was gutted. i’d see her post with her new group of friends while i patiently waited for a text. that in itself was a real wake up call. why on earth was i waiting for her while she was happily going on with her life? i could spend hours overanalysing things but nothing would change anything, it was her choice.

it’s funny how people you love can suddenly turn into strangers

similarly, about a month or two ago, another friend stopped speaking to me. now, although we had never met in person (thank you online world), it felt like we had known each other for years in the few months we spoke for. we had similar interests, spoke everyday, had deep conversations and funnily enough, lived not far from each other. then, messages scattered and silence fell again without a storm.

i really really liked this person - he was everything i looked for in a person. maybe i didn’t express it, perhaps i was too scared of ruining things. but maybe the silence of my feelings led to the silence that followed - the famous “is it better to speak or to die?” debate. it’s not worth dwelling on, it was his choice-

a few years ago, i would have chased after people, looking for the why, a reason to explain the sudden silence. a million questions flood through your mind - did i mess up? did they lose interest? have they found someone better? but i have learned that sometimes there is no reason, there is no one at fault, you didn’t mess up.

people’s actions are not a reflection of your worth

there are people in your life that come into it at the right time. they might not linger for long, but they teach us lessons. we have to let people be. if they really wanted to, they would, and as heartbreaking as that might be, you deserve people that choose you.

for i don’t want to beg to be chosen, i want people to choose me because they want to, not because they feel they have to.

we have to let people go sometimes; despite the agony it brings.

for those who are meant for you will stay.

one of my favourite quotes comes from a song i hold dearly to my heart - ‘sun bleached flies’ by ethel cain.

“if it’s meant to be, it will be”

to me, this quote reflects the belief that if something is meant to be, it will take it’s cause naturally without any force. it’s the quiet knowing that if something doesn’t go the way you intended, it wasn’t meant for you and that something better is on it’s way.

to those navigating relationships, whether platonic or romantic, to those who feel alone, to the dreamers, the yearners and whoever is going through a similar situation, have faith and trust that the right people will find you, for you deserve to be chosen.

all my love,

eva <3

you see, i feel i am too aware of the way the world is right now. people consumed by screens, working jobs they hate, comparing themselves to random people on these fifteen second clips; stuck in a cycle of dopamine rush that can only be fed by endless scrolling. and i’ll admit i’m scared.

maybe that’s too dramtic of me, maybe melodramatic in a sense.

but this is not the life i want for myself.

i want to live.

i want to dance in fields of flora and showers of sprinkle.

i want to meet new faces and exchange laughter again and again.

i want to fall in love, platonically, and love souls in a way some of society wouldn’t understand, for what could be worth more than friendship.

i want to leave notes in quiet places - perhaps a library,a bookshop, even in a coffee shop or on a desolate bench. remind people that they matter.

i want to travel to florence, milan, amsterdam, vienna. i want to live through a different culture and learn about the lives of those across the world.

i want to create and never stop creating. i want my fingers to be stained with ink, with paint, coated with fibres on my calloused fingers.

i want to be blessed with the experience of two souls becoming one, with love finding me without chasing after it. i want to grow old with my other half and experience the rest of our days together.

i want to be many different things. a writer, a poet, a publisher, a photographer, a mental health practitioner, a producer - why limit myself to one career?

i want to lie under the stars, drink wine at a jazz bar, create small films with friends, share secrets in the midst of the night, recite poetry under the fullest moon.

i want to be bathed in sunlight and showered in constellations.

i want to keep learning, be overly educated about the world around me. speak different languages, the history of art; of religion, of literature- i want to learn it all.

i want to help people. give them a reason to keep on going.

i want to do things without anxiety stopping me, to continue to grow.

i want to make younger me proud, make her happy and show her that life shouldn’t be that scary.

i want to see art come to life in all it forms; in film, music, theatre, dance, poetry. may the arts never die.

so may the universe bless me with the life i want to live, make me feel alive;

and when my time comes to leave this world, let me do so without any regrets.

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love noun

1 a strong feeling of deep affection for someone or something - Definition of love noun from the Oxford Advanced American Dictionary

Love is a powerful force in humanity, one that people yearn for and some live for. After all, who wouldn’t want to be loved completely by someone else?

Through my romantic relationships, I have been consumed by love. I’ve loved too hard and I’ve loved not enough. And in both, no matter the beautiful experiences I have been so lucky to share in, I lost myself completely.

That’s not to say I never loved at all. I haved loved others more than myself in order to fill that gaping emptiness gnawing away at me. But I realised that I needed to find that love in myself, for how can I love someone entirely when I cannot love my own self?

Throughout my teenage years, I started putting people’s needs before my very own. Saying “yes” to things I didn’t want to do, acting a certain way in order to be liked, accepted. Looking back, I realise how much I became a stranger to myself to be socially desirable; yet still, I craved love in all its many forms. And I still do.

Now I am on a journey to find peace with myself and understand who I really am. This will involve me being selfish by putting my own needs and desires before others (for once) but this is necessary. I feel that self-love does get accused of egotism but this is not the case. Self-love is built on acceptance, respect, kindness and compassion for yourself and I believe there is nothing more beautiful than achieving that.

When you think about it, the person you are spending the rest of your life with is yourself.

How can you go through life while hating yourself?

Self-love is a lifelong journey, a process involving a lot of ups and downs. Like any relationship, it demands effort and patience and can also bring about feelings of frustration, doubt, failure and forgiveness. But it is so important to do.

Recently, I watched the film “Bones and All” (2022) and this one quote stuck out to me:

“You're pissed off, and you're scared, and you feel alone, and you don't know what to do with it all, it's fine…you're seeing yourself for the first time, and that's freaking you out.”

To me, this is all about acceptance. Accepting who you are is a long journey of loneliness and fear, realising that you’ve got to be okay with it is even harder. It’s loving the good and bad parts of yourself and embracing the past in order to grow.

That is love.

I have been watching a lot of video diaries on youtube about going analogue and I felt so inspired to turn my life around for the better.

Yesterday I challenged myself to stay off the phone - gosh it sounds so dystopian saying that out loud. Embarrassingly yes I am glued to the phone, why? - that’s what I keep asking myself.

As a society, we are all addicted to our phones. Our brains are addicted to dopamine and scrolling through tiktok and instagram just feeds it more and more. But that doesn’t mean we should be slaves to a screen. Dopamine is all around us, we just need to find it. As humans, we were never meant for this lifestyle. We were born to live not to survive.

As expected, I felt happier being off my phone and engaged myself in hobbies which required critical thinking but also made me happy - very important! Such activities were crocheting, playing guitar, tidying the space around me, listening to a new album (highly recommend!) and learning a new skill.

Last weekend I bought myself a second-hand camera. I have always been interested in photography since I was a child, mostly watching my dad use his equipment, and dreamed that one day I would be able to do the same. Always listen to your inner child - highly important. I am so excited to learn the functions and to take lots of photos of things I find beautiful.

Another hobby I have picked up is going to the gym and I absolutely love it! (apart from the soreness I get the next day) My main goal for this year was to move my body more, not only for my physical health but my mental health too! The dopamine release is crazy, I recommend.

Creativity is a beautiful ability for the mind and the soul. I adore writing poetry (check out my poetry substack - ‘the lost poet journals’) and sharing it to the world, no matter how many people see it. Get inspired by the things you consume rather than getting distracted. Pick up that pen and paper, or that paintbrush and paint you keep in your draw, or even pick up those crochet and knitting needles and just create!

Please don’t fall a slave to your phone. Turn it off and breathe. Do those hobbies you’ve always wanted to do, engage yourself in a project, read that book you keep putting off, go outside, explore, dance, meet people, spend time with friends, love, reflect, create. Live.