I’ve been extra introspective this past year and I decided to conduct my own birthday interview so that I can look back on it as the years pass. I used questions from this blog and others that I found on Reddit. I get insanely existential before my birthday every year (my substack name checks out), but I am trying to be more reflective instead. Cheers to 27 going on 28 and another year of being me! Aging is a gift! (

What three words would you use to describe this past year of your life?

Growth, joy, grit

What was the most unexpected joy you experienced this year?

Taking up writing has given me unexpected joy in my life because it’s a hobby that I didn’t have before this year. It’s allowed me to understand myself in new and deeper ways. Reinvesting in myself and my friendships has allowed me to know and trust myself again. Hosting parties for my friends, fancy Friday’s, supper club, watching movies and doing deep dives into song lyrics have all been different things that have allowed me to feel joy and light in hard times.

Some other moments of joy included

• Walking from the top of Manhattan into the bottom with one of my best friends

• Going on a girls trip with my mom to Savannah Georgia

• Hosting a martini themed galentines day party

• Working on The Artist Way

• First dates again!

• Graduating with my masters

• Going to my first concert alone

• Hosting a frat party

• Arizona spring training my family

• Laying on the beach all day

• A Photo Booth crawl

• Seeing the Effiel tower from the seine

• Golden hour in Sorrento

• Watching movies again

• A bottle of wine and the Nice, France rock beach

• Running for two minutes without pain

• My friends getting engaged and married and having babies

• Eating a full Irish breakfast in Dublin

• Going to the little woman house

• Seeing Lorde live twice this year

• Many incredible meals

• Hosting Friendsgiving

• Monthly crafts

• Lakefront walks

• Sober May

• Street festivals and cover bands

• Actually liking gin martinis

• Morning pages

What challenged you most, and what did you learn from it?

I felt challenged in several ways this year. Finishing my masters was very difficult for me because of the coursework and expectations of my job at the same time. I went through my first big breakup in September right after my birthday, and that served as a major catalyst for change in my life. I’ve also felt the challenge just getting older and being in your late 20s. Friendships are changing, and everyone is going through different hardships and grief in their life. I feel the stress and have begun to have intense empathy for everyone around me and feel the world in a new deeper way. I’ve never been as introspective as I have been the past year. I believe this is good in the sense that I’m understanding myself and others better, but I also want to work on living my life and getting out of my own head

What made you laugh hardest this year?

Definitely my friends and family. I feel that one of my purposes in life is to continue to develop friendships and strong bonds with the people around me. I have vivid memories of trying laughing in Italy with my family or laughing for no reason at all with my friends on the patio. They’ve been so many moments since I turned 27 where I just feel the joy of life so immensely. Life has felt lighter in a lot of ways.

What book, movie, song, or piece of art moved you most deeply?

There been so many pieces of art that movement deeply this year and it feels hard to pick one so I’m going to pick several.

Music: Music is a life-changing outlet for me. There’s so many artists and songs that have spoken to me and altered the way that I think and feel. My favorites this year were The Art of Loving by Olivia Dean, You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl In Love by Olivia Rodrigo, The Great Divide by Noah Kahan, Virgin by Lorde. These albums got me through the last year of my life in many ways and helped me to know myself deeper. My top song of the year so far is of course, Balloon, by Tyler, The Creator.

Books: Heart the Lover by Lily King: This book felt perfect to me. Lily has such a way with dialogue and human connection. I highly recommend this as this book just feels very important. I read it at a time when I needed it.

I think about how Dr. Felske is always talking about the two things that bring perspective and revelation to a character: time and distance. I think I have to go.

When we read The Aeneid he pauses on a line then reads it again: ‘Someday we will remember even these our hardships with pleasure.

Maybe it’s true what the philosopher said, that the past and the future don’t exist, that this is the only moment we ever have, this moment right now and this moment and this—

Poems and Prayers by Matthew McConaughey: I’m a huge fan of Matthew’s other book Green Lights and I found this collection of poems to be extremely reflective. I always turn to his books when I’m having a hard time in my life and I find that all of his tidbits on life help.

“Life’s a miraculous journey of false summits until the end. Surrender to this fact, and climb until then.”

I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman: I read this while traveling in Italy and it made me extremely introspective. I could not stop reading it because it is bleak and disturbing and hopeful and beautiful all in the same breath. It’s a reminder that our life is a pursuit of knowledge and meaning and Humanity can be full of violence and hope.

“I was forced to acknowledge too late, much too late, that I too had loved, that I was capable of suffering, and that I was human after all.”

“Inevitably, with memory comes pain.”

“What does having lived mean once you are no longer alive?”

Movie: This was an unexpected joy of the year! I never used to be someone who was good at watching movies or TV shows however this past year I’ve watched more movies than ever. They have brought me new understanding and also just filled me with untethered joy and fun.

Marty supreme- I wrote a whole article about this movie here, but it genuinely changed the course of my life. I was incredibly inspired by Marty Mauser’s inability to fail, and the ways in which he incorporated grit into his life. Obviously he’s a bit of an asshole, but I ignore that lol. My friend’s jokes that no one was more affected by the Marty Supreme movie than me. Genuinely I talk about it all the time.

I have a purpose. You don’t. If you think that’s some kind of blessing, it’s not. It puts me at a huge life disadvantage. It means I have an obligation to see a very specific thing through. And with obligation comes sacrifice, okay?

“What if your dream doesn’t work out? That doesn’t even enter my consciousness”

Hamnet: I thought about this movie for months after I saw it. The cinematography is beautiful and it is devastating and a tragedy, but also hopeful and moving. It is a reminder that grief is such a uniquely human emotion. I found myself smiling because it reminded me of the fragility of life and what a gift it is to be alive.

He loves me for what I am, not what I ought to be.

To live with our hearts open. To shut it not in the dark but to turn it to the sun.

One Battle After Another: I watched this on Christmas Eve with my family which is funny because it’s not exactly a Christmas movie. This was one of my most anticipated movies of the year and it absolutely lived up. Not only did this movie really get me into Steely Dan, but it is just absolutely metal. There’s intention in the filming and it’s thrilling and hilarious and terrifying all at once. Outstanding acting across the board

Past Lives: I watched this on a plane and it’s one of those movies where you think about it and relate it back to your own life often. It’s extremely simple with gorgeous cinematography and almost nothing happens at all- my favorite! There’s so much tension between the way the characters exist around each other and it is the perfect analogy of the fig tree. All the lives that we never live.

What if this is a past life as well, and we are already something else to each other in our next life? Who do you think we are then?

It’s true that if you leave you lose things, but you also gain things, too.

What’s something new you tried for the first time?

Solo travel!!! Solo dinning!!! Solo concert!!!! Going through my breakup motivated me to try so many new things alone. I was used to be really afraid of eating alone or just being alone for long periods of time. After, I spontaneously went to a concert all by myself, then went out to dinner and lunch and breakfast all alone. Then finally this summer I traveled to Paris alone. It genuinely was the most wonderful experience knowing that I can fully rely on myself is the greatest gift that I could give myself. It felt very difficult at times, but I did it and that is a huge accomplishment for me. It helped me to realize that the person that will be there for me is me. I can take care of myself.

Who has been your greatest support or inspiration this year?

God, honestly, so many people have shown up for me in the most beautiful and incredible ways this year.

My family: Especially my parents and brother who are forever my rocks and the people who see me on such a level that I cannot imagine life without them. They have supported me when I’ve been crying on the phone to them in the middle of the night, driven to me when I’ve felt so sad, talked me through both physical and mental problems for me, helped me financially with my masters degree, and they go out of their way to show up for me anytime I need them. I’ve learned so much about unconditional love from them and I can only hope that I can be half of the people that they are. They show up for me when it’s not convenient for them, they remind me that it’s OK to just be myself and they never stop loving me. I cannot imagine my life without them and I’m so grateful for them. They are lights in my life.

My friends. For the first 2 to 3 months after my big break up, I was turning to my friends like they were water; from phone calls to daily text messages checking in to standing weekly plans to get me out of the house. They continue to show up for me time and time again. I have so many different friends and I say this because I’m incredibly grateful for the ways that their friendship has shown me the way that love should feel. I remember doing something that I deemed as embarrassing or wrong in front of one of my friends, and she reminded me that I was just being myself, and I should never stop being who I am. Female friendship has been the greatest marker of acceptance in my life. My friends are a reminder that love should feel like coming home to yourself instead of running away. My friendships are one of my greatest gifts and something I am extremely proud of. I hope that in every life I have these wonderful and magical friends. They make my life full and they help me to become a better person.

My students. I’m a teacher and I teach second grade. Last year felt like one of the hardest years, but yet every day I went to work and I knew that I needed to show up for them. The thing about teaching is that you help your students so much, but they also help you. They helped me distract my mind from myself, they helped me to find fulfillment and every day, they helped me to realize that thoughtfulness and generosity does not have to be earned. It can just be freely given. Whether it was a hug or a funny story or a kind word; teaching children has allowed me to see people as naturally good. Even when teaching is incredibly difficult, I have to come back to this understanding that it leads me to become a better version of myself. For that I’m always incredibly grateful for the seven and eight-year-olds that I teach.

My therapist and physical therapist. They probably don’t know this, but they both have helped me immensely in my physical and mental well-being. I truly do feel like both of them have helped me to change my own life for the better. This year I have gained more mental fortitude and physical grit in the face of adversity. They are really good at their job and I’m so grateful that I have the means to see them.

What habit or practice served you well that you want to continue?

I’ve adopted so many things this year that I want to continue doing. Writing daily is an incredible outlet for me. Stretching and practicing mindfulness. Daily gratitude created instead of consuming. Learning to rest strength, training and lifting weights. Being present around others. Always showing your true self. Trying to sleep more (working on that one). Not being so mean to myself. Being okay with imperfection. Flexibility (mentally).

What’s something you’re proud of that you haven’t given yourself enough credit for?

I’d like to think that I do a good job celebrating my own accomplishments. I threw a big party for my masters ending and reflected deeply on my solo traveling experience. Something I don’t always think I give myself enough credit for is my grit and determination. I’ve started running this year. I went to five different doctors over the past six years and 10 different physical therapists and every single one told me that I probably just wasn’t meant to run anymore. I really refused to give up on this so I found a new physical therapist and after 30 sessions and seven months I ran for the first time. Getting here involved a lot of pain and physical hardship and feeling of mental failure. It might seem silly to some people, but this has been my goal since 2020 and to finally be able to run even for even two minutes without pain is the greatest gift.

I’m proud of myself because I’d like to think that I am an extremely determined person. Even after my break up I showed up the next day and did not miss a day of work throughout my exhausting masters. I continued to work out, go to therapy, stretch, see my friends and try to take care of myself. I make sure to do the things that help me become a better person. I started going to church a lot this past year and having that meditative place has been so healing, both mentally and emotionally. I’m proud of myself because I no longer wake up every day and feel like I don’t know myself. I no longer wake up every day and feel an overwhelming incense of anxiety and fear. I’m proud of myself for showing grit this year and remembering that everything is within me. I am responsible for my own life, my own happiness and my own well-being and I’m truly really proud of myself.

What is on your bucket list for next year?

Make a loaf of sourdough bread. Go on a hot air balloon. Go camping. Get into whiskey. Take a self defense class. Go on the water taxi in Chinatown. Make a three course meal. Finish the artist’s way book. Use my waffle maker. Host a grocery story bar crawl. Participate in a writing challenge in November where you write every day. Run three miles outside. Go to the movies alone. Travel somewhere new. Walk the entire lakefront path. Wake up and face the day bravely.

How are you different today than you were on your last birthday?

Last year on my birthday I was dating someone, but I knew it wasn’t right. There was a feeling and the feeling never went away. I remember being incredibly anxious and feeling so lost. I went home after work on my birthday and jumped in the lake. I needed to escape my brain. I texted this person and told him that I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was turning 27 and I barely recognized myself. It was birthday, but I felt lost. He came to dinner with my family and it felt so wrong. We ended up breaking up a month later and I went through several months of so much intense mental suffering while overcoming heartbreak (and I wrote about it here). It was very difficult, but necessary. He was the first person I ever loved, but we weren’t right for each other. I sometimes feel that I was someone else entirely for so much of that relationship. That was the problem.

I truly think that I have become a better person by going through that. Although I hate how sad I was last year and the way I was on edge constantly, and it makes me feel for that version of me. I am proud of myself because a year ago I would not recognize the life that I’m living in now. I did not know this version of me that is so calm and sure of herself. I would not know who I am outside that relationship and outside of something that was giving me so much uncertainty and doubt. It felt like it swallowed me whole and now I am more myself again. This birthday, I am just happy to be myself.

What do you hope for this new year of your life?

I hope to be happy or rather content. I hope that I continue to invest in my friendships and the relationships in my life. I hope I continue to be a teacher that my students can count on. I hope to overthink less and feel present more. I hope to have fun. I hope to kinder to myself. I hope to dance often. I hope to eat incredible food. I hope to feel emotions and know that they pass. I hope to see as many sunsets as possible. I hope to live in the present and not the past. I hope to visit a new place and have new experiences. I hope to stay out of my own head more. I hope to be in love again. I hope to write more and write often. I hope to meet new people and have new experiences. I hope to remember to love myself first. I hope that I can always find the good in everything and everyone. I hope that when there is hate, that I choose love.

My favorite quotes:

I’ve always loved quotes and I find that so often people write words that feel as if they were taken straight from my brain. I became very into affirmations this year and I write them and put them up all over my room, my bathroom and in my classroom. I got into the habit of repeating certain affirmations daily and these are some of the quotes that have felt life-changing for me this year.

Why I work so hard? My soul profits

If you can’t get out of it, get into it

Leap and the net will appear

I can surrender to change or I can suffer in a loop

Who will be there for me? Myself

You’re not confused, you just don’t like the answer

The way it used to be is not the way that it is

What would this look like if I was having fun?

I can’t fall back if I fall forward

And if it’s right it will flow

Everything is a win when the goal is experience

A big part of who I am is who I’m not anymore

As the garden grows so shall the gardener

Your suffering is your bridge to others

To get anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift

Rejection is just redirection

Failure does not enter my consciousness

What is meant for me will never pass me by

I am grateful for another year. Cheers to introspection!

More of my work:

August felt like a whirlwind in many ways. It was busy and slow and humid and questioning and rainy and sticky. September is one of my favorite months of the year because it’s my birthday and it’s also three of my best friends’s birthdays. It’s also typically a month filled with good weather and fun celebrations. August feels like it stops time and September pushes it forward again. I love fall, but I am savoring summer this year.

The bookend of summer

September!

It creeps in to the deafening sounds of cicadas

It warns you that the cold is almost here, it’s coming, it’s watching

It sings happy birthday to you with all of your closest family and friends

It blows humid rain in your face with a thunderous crack

It brings you happy hours and dinners and parties and bar crawls and karaoke nights

It showers you with joyful moments and long endless weeks

Sticky and humid and green as could be

The weeks are long and the weekends are full

Did you know that it’s still summer it asks?

At least until September! 22nd

At least until the pumpkin spice and pumpkin pie and pumpkin lattes overtake the strawberries and watermelon and citrus

It is still summer; Until it isn’t. Until the warm light ushers in fall

Fall! The season of change and understanding

September! How it smells of school books and study halls. The beginning of another academic year. A natural starting over point. It’s a new year again.

And again. And again. And again.

September! is a schemer and a dreamer and an achiever

It grabs you, it shakes you, it motivates you

WAKE UP! it yells

THE WORLD IS WAITING! it screams

YOU ARE ALIVE! it reminds

Fall is coming, the sun is setting, but for now we have this perfect month.

September! it sounds like ruby red watermelon and a bottle of champagne

September! it sounds like a crisp apple and a pop of cider

September! it sounds like sharpened pencils and a cup of coffee

September! September! September! it’s a perfect pour and a happy celebration

September! it’s everything that we wait for all year

Can you tell I love September?

August favorites

Music: I listened to an insane amount of Noah Khan this month but I also enjoyed…..The Lost Weekend by Phoebe Bridgers. God I love her and jigitz! A new discovery for me and I’ve been loving dancey music

NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN! THE WAY IT USED TO BE IS NOT THE WAY THAT IT IS!!!!!!!

Book: I read only two books whoops, but my favorite was a debut: Catalina by Karla Cornejo Villavicencio. It is all about an undocumented woman who attends Harvard and what she goes through navigating that. It was funny and dark and hopefully all at the same time.

“To be specific, I had decided I wanted to experience heartbreak. Heartbreak was probably even more famous than love”

“I lived in the real world, and the real world was sad, and he lived in literature, and literature was beautiful.”

“There’s something about the faces of everyone in my family and in mine. I think you can see in our eyes the kind of sadness, which is in two places at once—mourning the past, grieving the future. Sad in a historically significant and visually satisfying way. Looking sad like it’s your job.”

Movie: I watched 7 movies in August. Another big month. Many of them were stupid mindless films, but two stuck out. Everybody Wants Some and Hustlers. Jo Lo is amazing- enough said for Hustlers and EWS is Dazed and Confused younger brother.

Food: Tapas at Brasero or Dinner at Hais Sous in Pilsen. The fish and fried rice and eggplant….say lessssss. OR this farmers market blueberry donut. But I eat a lot of good food so let’s keep it going

Drink: I tried Kitty’s Cosmopolitan Club finally!!! I had the Sea Breeze and it was summery and fun. Speakeasies are my favorite and I loved trying this spot out.

Thing: MY new blue rugby shirt. It feels so fun and fall! Thank you nordstrom anniversary sale

What I got up to:

• I went to 4 days of the Lollapalooza music festival and saw so many incredible artists including Olivia Dean, Suki Waterhouse, Zara Larsson, Between Friends, Charli XCX and Lorde!

• Started my 6th year of teaching! Another very busy year ahead

• I studied for a test and did poorly, but that’s why we try again

• I went on a boat on Lake Michigan

• Saw some Cubs games

• I went to Pilsen multiple times and it remains one of my favorite Chicago neighborhoods

• Wandered through street fests

• A few dates and now I’m taking a break (we will see how long that lasts lo)

• Had a really bad cold for 2 weeks

• Saw some concerts: Young the Giant and Willis and Green Tea & the Tempos

• Ate mango sticky rice

• Ran! for a few minutes!!!

• Enjoyed not working and started working again

• Went out with friends and many many happy hours

Next month look ahead:

• MY BIRTHDAY!!!

• THREE OF MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAYS!!!!

• Wisconsin with my family

• Hopefully ?? Baking ??

• A lot of work work work at school

• Oktoberfest

• The beginning of everything pumpkin

• The end of summer and ushering in fall

More of my work:

Required listening: End Of August by Noah Kahan

Another stream of consciousness article from me! I have been loving writing these :)

“Late August angst and a pointless night

Oh, and the feelin’ of being alive

For the first time in a long time”

The sound becomes deafening. I’m walking through the park right outside my house on the Thursday night of the first week of school. The cicadas are screaming at me. It always seems like they are angry at this time of year. I’ve been listening to End of August by Noah Kahan on repeat because it’s calming, but also because it perfectly encapsulates the way that the end of summer feels. Endless and fleeting all at once.

I started back at work this week after eight weeks off. My coworkers and I joke that the beginning of the school year is like childbirth in the sense that it’s incredibly stressful, but every single year you forget until you have to do it again. I welcomed in a new class of second graders and I’m finding that I don’t have time to think, breathe or pee again. My mind is a never-ending list of routines and procedures. I need to teach how to line up and how to put a paper in a folder and how to talk to someone next to you with the right voice level and how to hold a book correctly and use a pencil. I need to send emails and there are copies that need to be made. I need to lesson plan and get ready for a new student next week. The beginning of the year is always like this and I know that. I have had six of these beginning of the school years as a teacher.

The days are so full that I forget how to be a real person. I have a habit of stacking my weekends with activities because for the first month of school I wake up at 5 AM to work out and then I’m in work mode until about 6 PM. Not a lot of time for fun. But sometimes it feels good. There’s a reward in grinding away and feeling the enjoyable stress of having too much to do. After the walk, I make cauliflower gnocchi and watch some of a movie. It’s called Old School and it’s incredibly 2003 coded with Will Ferrel and Vince Vaughn. It seems like something I would have enjoyed more if I watched it for the first time in college, but it’s mindlessly stupid and I need to turn my brain off. The lights are twinkling out my window and my eyes glaze over as 9pm turns to 10pm.

Waking up Friday morning proves difficult, but I rip myself out of bed and get to the gym by 6:00 a.m. I consistently feel better after I work out and I’m able to handle my job for longer. Patience is a virtue I’ve acquired overtime through fits and starts. I spend the morning listening to Between Friends on repeat as I lift weights. I used to overthink my entire life at the gym, but that was back when there seemed to be a lot more to overthink. Now I just think of what I have to do today and how good it feels to be sweating already.

I’m turning 28 in 2 weeks and that fact confuses me. I can’t be older than 22 can I? But yet here we are. I don’t find it sad to age in the same way that I don’t find it overly sad to move through different stages of my life. If anything it’s more nostalgic and I try to remember it’s a gift. This all could go away. It is better to be grateful. Lately I have repeated to myself “if you can’t get out of it, get into it”.

If anything, being closer to 30 than 20 feels like a reminder of the ways that I’ve grown. I’m not the same teacher that I was 6 years ago for one. I went into the school year feeling calmer than ever. A new class of students used to fill me with a deep sense of dread. What do you mean that I have to be in charge of these tiny humans for the next 7 hours and teach them how to be a good person and how to read a book? It felt agonizingly terrifying. Parents would ask me how to be better parents and I would wonder how to even be a good person. I was 24, I didn’t know what to do with myself, let alone a child. Like anything else the longer you do something the more confident you feel. And with teaching it really does come down to experience and knowing your students. By the first hour of the first day with 22 new kids, I know all of their names. I try to learn one hobby of theirs by the end of the first week. Teaching helps you to become a more present person; it reminds you to consider others. Sometimes to a fault.

The day passes by in a flash as days do. I barely have time to eat breakfast and I eat half of my lunch at 2:30 while the kids are at specials. I’m preparing for my new student on Monday and trying to stay calm about the shift. Everyone perceives me as very laidback at work and I want to keep it that way. If I am calm, then the class is calm. One of the kids gives me a hug as she leaves and says that I am her favorite teacher ever. Young children are so generous with their kindness.

My voice is partially gone and my head is throbbing by the time I sit in my car for the hour commute home. Work gives me tension headaches that ease with time and distance. I don’t actually live that far, but the traffic is horrible on Fridays getting back into the city. Deny Deny Deny by Noah Kahan plays on repeat because it feels calming to my racing thoughts. I end up listening to the whole Great Divide album.

When I get home, I rush around and line my eyes with blue liner. It makes my eyes pop. That night I am seeing someone that I have been casual dating. We haven’t properly seen each other in a month and a half. My roommate asks me how I feel about seeing him again and I feel remarkably calm. I’m working on not overthinking my entire life anymore. Although, it really depends on the day. I wear an all white outfit of a tank top and linen pants because it’s almost Labor Day and you have to get your reps of white in while you can. We go to happy hour and then a speakeasy and then a concert. It’s a really chill show and the music is easy to listen to. I put my arm around him and it seems like we can’t stop smiling at each other. I suppose it has been too long.

We walk back and get caught in the rain. It would all be very romantic in a movie, but it is just real life so it’s more funny and wet. The downpour continues and we duck under an awning laughing at each other, talking in fake accents. It’s the type of thing you do when you are comfortable with someone and everything seems laughable. The whole night feels comfortable and pleasantly nice. Before I leave he makes me graham crackers with honey because he knows I eat them every night. It is thoughtful. He is very thoughtful. That’s part of the problem. Thoughtfulness can be addicting.

I return home around 2:00 in the morning and feel that restless urgency that you only get when you’re exhausted and it’s the time of night when no one should be awake. I turn on Noah Kahan again and lay on the carpet in my room. The ceiling seems to shift and start above me as I stretch below it. There’s something so grounding about laying on the ground. It gives you the sense that you have control over yourself. It grounds you in reality. Music plays softly and the clock ticks closer to 3am. I think in circles. August is ending again. It always does. I feel no closer to understanding everything than I did last night. But I don’t really think I need to. I think I just need to go to bed. Nothing good happens in the dead of night. Nothing good after 3am.

I flick the lights off.

“Endin’ of August, the bugs are just startin’ to die

All the neighbors are votin’ for someone who wins every time

And I thought gettin’ older meant knowin’ it’s too late to try

More of my work:

a note: a rambling poem I wrote when my birth control was making me feel depressed haha

The juxtaposition of your early twenties to your late twenties

Do I miss my early 20s? Do I miss not having a care in the world and only thinking about the next time I was getting drunk? Do I miss friendship that felt effortless and easy and only revolved around weekend plans? Do I miss no mention of babies or husbands or relationships? Do I miss feeling like my entire life was in front of me? Do I miss knowing that whatever happened I was still young? Do I miss feeling like I had endless time? Do I miss knowing I could always try again? Do I miss never having a hangover? Do I miss feeling young and free? Do I miss being the age every man desires? Do I miss knowing I was going home with him? Do I miss feeling like anything was possible? Do I miss going on a date and feeling less pressure? Do I miss when it didn’t feel like you had to be meeting the love of your life? Do I miss when everything felt easy? Do I miss just wanting to have it all figured out?

Do I miss my early 20s? Do I miss the aimlessness? Do I miss the tears? Do I miss the anxiety? Do I miss the overwhelming sadness after a night out? Do I miss the empty makeouts? Do I miss the stomach aches? Do I miss blacking out every weekend? Do I miss the job I hated? Do I miss feeling like I didn’t know myself at all? Do I miss the endless insecurity? Do I miss not letting myself eat bread or sugar or anything mildly unhealthy? Do I miss looking in the mirror and never liking what I saw? Do I miss the pain? Do I miss the confusion? Do I miss just wanting to have it all figured out?

Do I miss it or am I just 27?

I think maybe I’m actually okay where I am

More of my work:

Home is here and there and everywhere. I call two places and countless people home. Home changes as I change, but there are always pieces I take with me.

Ways that the suburbs feel like home

My moms snorting laughter. My dads mischievous face. My brother’s taunting voice. My grandma’s kind eyes. The memory of my grandpa’s smile. The long shadows on the streets and the way you run into an old neighbor at will. That same neighbor dropping off sweetcorn. The clouds passing aimlessly. Grilling burgers. Having to drive to get anywhere. A dairy queen every two miles. The identical jewel osco’s across from each other. Never ending banks. Making a smore on a roaring fire. Going to the big target with the huge aisles and an amazing dollar section. Jumping on the hammock. When you say hi to a random person and they say hi back. My grandparents’ house. A hose full of water spraying your feet. Family portraits in the hallway. Never paying for grocery bags. Life cereal for the dog. Uneven sidewalks. Dew in the grass. The wretched smell of freshly laid mulch. Garage doors opening. Fireflies circling. Seeing the stars. Feeling the sun beat down on you from your childhood room. Evening weather report on tv. A clean and familiar smell. The swaying of the willow tree. Long car rides going anywhere. Walking streets overwhelmed with memories. Sonic cherry limemades. Worn out sweatshirts. Homemade oatmeal cookies. A heavy pour of wine. The sound of a kitchen aid. My dads sneezes, shaking the house. The pitter patter of my dog’s feet. An endless highway and a country song. Sitting on the screened in porch while rain ricochets. A hug from my mom. The smell of clean sheets. Washer tumbling. The wind through an open kitchen window. Walking outside right into the trees. Sunsets over the marsh. Crackling fire high into the sky. Drawn out days. Totally peace and quiet.

Never fully missing it, but missing it all the same.

Ways the city feels like home.

The endless blue of Lake Michigan. Photographs covering the walls. The 10-minute walk to Trader Joe’s. Seeing a storm rolling in for miles. Taking the same pilates class for 4 years every Wednesday. Streets lined with beautiful apartments. The lily ponds. Long winded walks with friends. Cheering during a game. Open windows in the spring. The whole city stretched out before you. Eating in front of the tv. Watering your dying plants. Sleepovers. Debriefing across the counter. Cereal from the box. The cold blast of the lake water in early summer. A cracked glass sink. Gin martinis at the bar. Dust and grime in the corners. Drunken shouts of joy. Endless junk journaling. Running to catch the bus. Cinnamon graham crackers. Winter sunsets over the west. Icicles dripping off overhangs. Ice skaters on the pond. Fireworks over the pier. A sunrise on the way to work. Saturday farmers market. Movies during dinner. Zoolights. The lakefront path. Snow coating the trees. Feet dangling over the rocks. Bumper to bumper traffic. Music from the bar. Going north on the path. Endless drawn out parties. Long elevator rides. Irish hellos with friends. Mismatched coasters and a bucket of matches. Friendly doormen with casual conversation. A blue fluffy robe. Ambulance sirens and car exhaust. The Alexander Hamilton statue that glitters in the sun. Chatting with neighbors as you fold clothes. Watching the seasons pass with the trees. Zoo walks in the fall. Colorful adirondack chairs. Boats in the harbor. The sound of golf balls soaring. Airfryer whirling. Phone calls and tears and music on a walk. The sparkle of the skyline. Boredom never exists. Home for now in this apartment, but home forever in this city.

Home is a places and people and feelings and all of it. Two places that feel like home, the same feeling, but so different. Home changes as I change, but the old feelings are still there. How lucky am I to feel at home as I grow?

More of my work:

Darkness comes in 3, 2, 1

It’s going to storm

Since when are you a meteorologist

I’m like a dog I can smell it

Light flashes

Thunder claps

The sky goes from closed to open

Did you bring an umbrella

Of course I smelled it

My eyes roll into my head

Laughter covered by another sky crack

Wind shutters the windows

Wind pulls at my hair

Wind swirls around my body

Wind pollutes the mind

Wind sweeps at our feet

Wind threatens to destroy the path

Which way are we going

You navigate

I’m not good at navigating you know that

You are doing it now aren’t you

Rain turns sideways

Umbrellas creek and crack

Shoes spray and splash

It seems as if the world is mad

Angry at the way we treat it

Unforgiving in it’s drenching onslaught

So it comes down and down and down

Maybe we should wait

There’s no rush

The sky is trying to kill us

It goes from light to dark to darker

Let’s get a drink

Alcohol the answer to everything

Puddles deep as lakes

Thunder like a door slamming

Lightning sizzling through the sky

Drip drop as it flies off the overhang

It pours into dark city sewers

Bringing the dirt and grim with it

Inside is all business

Espresso and spritz and fries

Forks clashing conversation exchanged

Bustling and bright lights and bar tops

Why did I order this martini

It’s 4pm

I was wondering the same thing

Eyes glaring

You drink it then

Laughter echoes within

Hands smooth down frizzy hair

Eyes glance back and forth

Outside the storm whirls on

As loud as

Sticky overpowering thick

Summer heat

Summer rain

Summer heaviness

Summer storms

More of my work:

Eyes flirt back and forth. We sit across from each other with shy smiles. He is looking like someone who hasn’t done this in a while and I’m looking like someone who has probably done this too much. I’m guzzling water as if I am in a drought. My hair is both frizzy and straight, stiff with dry shampoo. I have a tube top on, and I have to keep adjusting it by pulling it up over my B cups.

He doesn’t comment on my antics. I laugh nervously or maybe awkwardly because I don’t actually feel that nervous. I tend to do well on these things. These things being first dates. I like to talk and I enjoy listening to other people talk when they are good at it, so what’s not to like about dating?

“Yeah, it’s pretty hot out today, so you know gotta stay hydrated” I laugh. It is actually not hot at all. It is oddly chilly tonight. I even brought a jacket and it is July. His eyes twinkle. Or maybe that’s my imagination. They probably just smile. Or maybe he just has shiny eyes. I am trying to make this romantic.

I start pouring water into my cocktail. This is something I do regularly because otherwise it’s too acidic and it gives me heartburn. I realize this ruins the drink and cocktail purists are probably rolling in their grave as I speak. I start to explain this and my medical ailments. Clearly, I’m really into sexy topics on a date. He doesn’t comment on the amount of times that I spill water onto the table. I used to attempt to be very perfect on dates. These days I tend to show my real self immediately.

His cocktail comes out flaming. We both love this and take a picture. I appreciate that he doesn’t care that I take pictures of every single thing that goes into my mouth. I couldn’t date someone who didn’t respect my inner food critic.

We discuss the kind of things that you discuss when you only know each other through a virtual interface. I know how tall he is and what he does for work and where he went to college and the neighborhood he lives in and if he wants children, but I act as though I don’t know any of these things. I feign surprise when he mentions where he went to school and I ask the unknowing questions that relate back to his interests. I looked over his profile again before I arrived. It’s good to make sure you have the names right and brush up on any common topics in case things get awkward. When you’re talking to several people it’s easy to mix up the details.

I find it a fascinating social experiment to online date. I’m sitting across a table from a literal stranger who I met over the internet. We are meeting up in a public place to see if we are attracted to each other in any sort of way. We will have a conversation for a couple hours and then go our separate ways and evaluate if we think the other person is good enough to see again. While evaluating this, we may go look at our other options and see if maybe someone came along in the two hours when we were off-line that is better. Now this isn’t to say that I’m anti-online dating as clearly I’m an active participant. I am on another date aren’t I? I truly do not get easily deterred.

Back to business though. We start talking and it flows. I love when you have a conversation with someone and it doesn’t feel forced. You tell stories and you share jokes and you laugh at the right moment without having to think about it. You start breaking out facts about weird family members and the way that you eat graham crackers every single night. You are telling this person how you can write with your toes and the idiosyncrasies of your daily routine. You are saying things that you don’t say to new people all in the sake of vulnerability. You feel comfortable and maybe even yourself suddenly. Dating is a lot of smoke and mirrors, but sometimes it just feels like a steady flame.

We keep talking until we are the last people in the restaurant. Our server is smiling at us like she has a secret. She has such a big and lovely smile that I feel the need to smile back at her. Every time she comes to the table I look at her as if she is the love of my life. I feel giddy just talking to her. She seems like the type of person that would be in some sort of romantic comedy and introduce two people to each other before they fall in love. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

I’m sitting there and I’m having this conversation with him and the thought pops into my head “This could be my husband”. I almost audibly laugh out loud. I subscribe to the type of dating where you have to get to know someone over several months before you even consider if they are lifelong material. And even once it’s been several months I’m still considering the ramifications of them and if I even know them as a person. Even after a year, I am asking myself: who are they actually? I never go on a date and think “Wow this random stranger should be the father of my children. I know nothing about him, but I bet that he is the perfect partner for me!”. The idea that I had this thought is so outlandish that I have to physically shake my head to get myself out of whatever Disney esc romance I felt that I was living in. Reality is knocking - wake the fuck up. It’s not like this man or date were anything spectacular. He just seemed really kind and nice and we had good banter. Good banter is the backbone of most love at first sight. In my very unexperienced opinion.

I go to the bathroom and then he goes to the bathroom and then we both figure out our alternative modes of transit. I walk and he takes the train and we do a bit of an awkward side hug. I’m not known for my ability to initiate physical contact with a stranger. We discuss that we would see each other again. It’s nice when you both actually want to see each other again and then nobody has to lie to the other’s face. I love when it works out that way. See dating can be fun?

I walk home and the air feels like fall. It’s the peak of summer, the end of July. The longest nights and the hottest days, but yet tonight has a bit of a chill. I smile as I walk the 25 minutes home and bounce around to a pop song in my ears. A good date, I think. It makes you feel alive.

I call one of my best friends and we discuss her date and then my date. I’m sitting at my kitchen table and it’s nearing 11 PM when water starts to trickle. I look up and suddenly water is pouring out of my ceiling. Peculiar isn’t it? Water coming out of the ceiling like a faucet was turned on under the paint? I start saying oh no, oh my god, what is happening and I hang up with my friend. I’m a bit worried that the whole ceiling will come down and crush me and my last human interaction will be with a random man on a date. I realize quite quickly that this is highly unlikely.

After I call maintenance and get some towels, I text the man thanking him for the date. I send him a picture of my ceiling because it’s good for men to know that you are independent and can handle a crisis. I have to make sure they know early on that I don’t actually need them. I consider that the water coming out of my ceiling must be some sort of omen. Either this person is about to ruin my life or I will fall in love. Or there’s the more boring reality that we go on a few dates and realize we don’t actually like each other that much. I prefer the more fantasy version of love or hatred. Indifference would be too typical, too cookie cutter. Time will tell and the water will dry. And I will go on another date until I figure it out.

As a side note my ceiling did get fixed, but quite funny when you think about it.

Thanks for reading lovely people :)

More of my work:

I have been loving analyzing songs, so here are some more articles on music: here and here

At 6 minutes and 32 seconds Lucy takes us through the gut wrenching reality of a breakup. It’s one of the songs that you feel so viscerally when you listen that it’s almost painful on your ears. Lucy Dacus is known for her haunting melodies, prose filled lyrics and enchanting voice. Night Shift is another one of my favorite songs and details wishing to be anywhere else, besides inside your own head after a breakup. It shows the way that you would move away or take a different job just to escape the feelings of your ex lover. The song starts as a soft haunting and lyrical piece and then moves into a more roaring and deafening chorus as Lucy chronicles the stages of grief after the end of a 5-year relationship.

She opens with these lines.

The first time I tasted somebody else’s spit, I had a coughing fit

I mistakenly called them by your name

I was let down it wasn’t the same

We are introduced to reality where Lucy is no longer with her former partner, but kissing someone else and feeling the all familiar peculiarities of foreign lips. This is one of my favorite lines in the song because it illustrates so clearly what it feels like to kiss someone new after dating someone else. You almost feel outside of your own body and as if you are performing a part. Someone who is totally fine and moved on! Someone who knows how to kiss another person! It’s something that you know you need to do to “get over it”, but yet it feels so painful and wrong. It is never the same and it will never be the same. I remember going on a second date months later and kissing someone and then going home and crying for two hours. It wasn’t about missing the other person, but more so missing the typical feeling of it all. By including the line I mistakenly called them by your name she shows that her ex is still very central in her mind. Her admission that it wasn’t the same is partially saying that she wanted it to be in a some way. Her mind and body have not caught up yet.

I’m doing fine, trying to derail my one track mind

Regaining my self-worth in record time

The lyrics “doing fine and trying to derail my mind” speaks to the only thing that Lucy is thinking of which is the other person. I feel it’s human nature whenever you go through something difficult and painful to respond with I’m fine when you’re asked how you are doing. You cannot tell your friends that you are constantly thinking about another person and that it’s taken over your entire psyche. The reality is that they are probably all you can think of, but you are just trying to move on. You can’t spend every single day talking about what’s going on in your head because it would probably start to drive you insane. So you say I’m fine. The self worth line speaks to the complete lack of self confidence you feel with heartbreak. It is a very insular feeling of self failure.

Walk for hours in the dark feeling all hell

Another line that I felt viscerally is the idea of walking endless and not feeling any better. When you’re going through something painful just the fact of moving and walking around can help you get out of your own mind. When going through my own break up, I started walking genuinely for hours at night or in the morning. It was the Saturday after we broke up and I went to a festival with my friends. I told them I was taking the train home, but I got off early and walked around the streets for 2 hours just looking into bar and restaurant windows trying to feel normal. I didn’t feel tiredness in the same way, I just felt like hell. There is a certain type of aimlessness and despair that comes early on after a breakup and leaves you unattached from your own body. It makes you feel unanchored in your own mind. Thank God it’s temporary.

You don’t deserve what you don’t respect

Don’t deserve what you say you love and then neglect

As Lucy continues to move through the song she begins to grapple with respect within her relationship. She does not want her previous partner to have any memory of her or any piece of her because she didn’t feel as though she was fully respected within the relationship. When the other person leaves, you are left feeling both neglected and empty.

I feel no need to forgive but I might as well

With this line, Lucy is showing that she is hesitant to forgive her past partner; whether that be for how they acted or because she’s simply not ready to let go. Oftentimes we hold onto anger and resentment against someone because that keeps them alive in our mind. If you don’t forgive someone then you can keep picking away at them mentally and that means that they are never really gone. You can keep someone around through thought alone. Eventually, she decides that she might as well forgive them because everyone has to move on at some point.

But let me kiss your lips so I know how it felt

Pay for my coffee and leave before the sun goes down

These lyrics to me feel like some of the most vulnerable of the song. She decides to forgive her ex lover, but she still is asking to kiss their lips one more time. She’s still reaching out towards them. She is asking them to do this one last thing for her and buy her coffee. To me this represents a need to hold on to something sweet from the relationship and kind before she works to forget that person altogether. She’s not asking them to come back and stay, but she’s just asking to feel the love that she felt at some point one more time. She is asking for a small showing of humanity and care. It’s a fascinating human experience to love someone one day and then never see them again. It makes sense that you want to hold on to the good parts of a person instead of viewing them with anger and discontentment. In order to move on you often have to focus on the negatives. You can’t continue to put that person up on a pedestal or think that everything they do is magical and perfect. But when you take that person off the pedestal you also lose some of those golden moments that made the relationship seem so special to begin with. Such is the crux of disentanglement.

You got a 9 to 5, so I’ll take the night shift

And I’ll never see you again if I can help it

The thesis of the song is this. She never wants to see her ex-lover again because she never wants to feel the pain that she felt with them. She would rather take a completely different job and switch her life around entirely than run into them and face that again head on. The idea of a nine to five versus the night shift is metaphorical, but a strong visual representation of the way that our bodies and brains rework ourselves after the ending of a relationship to avoid the reminders of them; whether that be physical or mental. We put their stuff in a box or we throw it away. We delete pictures or we hide them. We stop walking down those streets and we do not return to those restaurants and cafes. We find a new hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with them and we work to make new friends. Maybe you get a haircut or buy some new clothes or try a new workout routine. It’s almost as if you have to reinvent yourself again just so you never see them in exactly the same way. You prove to yourself that you can become a completely different version of yourself so separate who you were with them and who you are now becoming. Heartbreak is a reckoning and stripping of ourselves. It’s a self sufficing prophecy because you want to become unrecognizable in the uncoupling from them. You want to win the breakup by being totally new and improved. The fascinating part of this is that even if you see an ex out in public your interactions will never ever be the same as they were before because neither of you are the same in any form. You are no longer in love. You are no longer coupled. You are no longer intertwined. You are just you and they are just them. Time changes you, naturally.

In five years I hope the songs feel like covers

Dedicated to new lovers

Lucy sings these lines with a roaring and deafening sound. She juxtaposes the lyrics with distorted guitars and the effect makes the second part of the song feel completely different than the first. She’s moving through the breakup and the climax of it is anger and intense emotional reckoning. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is in five years. I hope these songs will feel like covers dedicated to new lovers. Lucy illustrates what we all want to be true: that you will love someone else and get over the pain that you are currently feeling. You want to feel love again. Soon after my big breakup, I remarked to my friend that hopefully in a year I would be heartbroken over someone else. It’s a bit funny when you think about it to wish for more heartbreak, but when you’re feeling such intense pain over one person I thought of feeling sad over another almost seems like relief. It’s been almost a year and I have new people to feel sadness towards, so I was right. Even when you exit a relationship typically you still recognize that you will love again and will continue to experience heartbreak. But when the current reality feels so painful, anything is better than the present. Even more loss, just in a different font.

Lucy ends the song by repeating the same lines about taking the night shift and roaring into the microphone. To me the song details several months after a breakup and the intense mental gymnastics involved. It’s not necessarily about reclaiming yourself yet, but more so the painful untangling of your mind from someone else’s. What I love about Lucy’s music it’s even without going through a breakup you can feel such empathy for her situation because she sings about her pain with such care and candor. Before I ever went through a breakup, I would listen to this song and feel every emotion so intensely. The beauty of music is that it brings you right into the emotional state of someone else. And the beauty of this song is that it’s a reminder that the pain you’re feeling whether from a romantic breakup or a friendship or a family member will pass. Lucy sings this song now and she remarks that it does feel like a cover. She no longer associates it just with that person. Theres new people, experiences and heartbreaks that she’s had. Time is the world’s greatest healer. It brings new pain, but also resilience. The more it passes, the more you see you can and will move on.

Your memories will feel like just that- memories. Those songs you associate with them? They will become just songs. The pictures will become pictures again. The person will seem human once more. The suffering you feel will pass. It always does. It always, always will.

May I suggest Baby Steps by Olivia Dean next?

More of my work:

Salt air

And the rust on your door

August whispers hello

It’s crawls through the sticky smog

The wildfire smoke and humid mornings

The clock is ticking for summer

Sand sweeps through my hands

Halloween decorations at the store

And school supplies in every direction

August is swollen with sun and heat

Heavy with the future to come

But for now we have this endless day, this long languid night

The water lapping at our feet and lazy mornings spent in bed

The evenings ring with stories and laughter

They carry nostalgia of the past and fears of the fall

August is a ticking clock; pushing you forward, making you forgive and forget

Get over yourself it says, remember to live it reminds, stay out of your head it urges

August is muted oranges and bright reds and the blue of Lake Michigan in the bright of day

Early August is for holding onto summer

Clutching it in our hand, remembering our youthfulness and excitement

Late August is when we let go

We feel the weeks full of brooding, heavy melancholy and anticipation of autumn

Never mind that it’s 90 degrees at 9pm

Never mind that summer sticks to our teeth

Never mind that time barrels on past us

August a fickle and fragile month

You bring us joy of the present and anticipation of the future

Bring us the tranquility of fall, the quiet sense of contentment and urgency at last

August and the hope of it all

July favorites:

This is entirely inspired by and because I love reading other people’s monthly overviews and what they got up to! July was a jam packed month as I started it in Europe, wrapping up my big three week trip and I’ve just been bouncing all over the city since then and soaking up time off of teaching!

Music: you seem pretty sad for a girl in love by Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah, similarly to everybody else on earth I also have fallen in love with this album and it’s basically the only thing that I listened to in Europe. Obsessed

Movie: Something great about being off of work is that I’ve watched so many movies! I’ve always said that I wanted to become more of a movie person and this has been my year! I watched nine movies and it’s been amazing! My favorites were Moonrise Kingdom (my first Wes Anderson), Project Hail Mary and The Big Short. I review them all here.

Book: A Good Person by Kirsten King. I’ve been slacking a bit in the reading department, but I absolutely loved this debut. I’m a fan of weird girl lit and this book is genuinely so odd. Unlikable narrator & laugh out loud dark humor. I review what I read here.

Food: Something about me is that I’m constantly eating really great food so check out my food Instagram if you want more of that (adventureswithtyn). But my favorites were the full Irish breakfast we had in Dublin, Kamehachi sushi in Chicago, and two cakes! My own blueberry lemon cake & Hannahs layered tres leches.

Drink: Hugo spritzes. My drink of choice constantly and I will never apologize for that

Thing: My mini hyrdroflask. I’ve been carrying around this tiny water bottle everywhere and whenever I take it out people laugh because it is genuinely 800 ML so it’s tiny. But I lost my other small one and this one is so easy to bring everywhere! Small joys

What I got up to:

• Finished up 3 weeks of travel in Nice and Dublin!

• Adjusted back to the US and it honestly took me a lot longer than I expected. I really didn’t feel like myself until two weeks out from the trip.

• Baseball games!

• Movies on movies

• Cookbook night with my friends

• Dinners in the city

• Long walks and audiobooks

• Summer work for school

• Substack writing

• A lot of time in the gym

• One of my best friends moved near me!!!

Next months look ahead:

• Starting my sixth year of teaching crazy!

• A lot of work again hahaha

• Boat day with friends

• Hopefully, more lake days, cooking and baking

• Dating - I’m doing that

• Music festival (live music yaya)

More of my work:

This is a different article than I normally write. It’s truly something I started writing on the bus in the moment and it’s a recount of my evening.

I had fun with this so please let me know what you think :)

‘Cause in my head

In my head, I do everything right

When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight

All the moments I play in the dark

Wild and fluorescent

Come home to my heart

Supercut by Lorde plays in my ears as the 156 hurtles me down deeper into the city. I walk and balance myself on the portion of the bus that connects two trams together. The sunlight creates long shadows on the bus advertisements and everyone’s head is tilted down. Looking at what? A tik tok or a message or a match or a song? The endless berate of content flooding us on a constant stream. Hands grip cold metal, feet swing and stop with the motion. Is this what 12 year old me pictured when I saw myself at 27? I’m in green cargo pants and a cropped tank top. I have on amazon sunglasses, countless chunky rings, beaded bracelets, and white new balances because I have bad feet. I can never wear fun shoes without regretting it for 2-6 business days. Such is the crux of life.

Did 12 year old me picture myself swiping on hinge on the bus? “Yeah Tuesday sounds great! What area are you in?” or “Hopefully it won’t rain on Sunday- looking forward to it” or “How was work today?”, as if this is my loving husband and I am the devoted wife. 12 year old me pictured a perfect partner and my first child of three. She didn’t picture 70s deco bus upholstery and swiping until my thumbs hurt on random 30 something’s who love a Sunday reset and dive bars.

I’m meeting two of my best friends. Happy hour is nice because I’ve been spending money as if I have an unlimited amount of it. But the drinks are cheap so I get three and a few apps and there goes $60. I digress. She texts me that she will provide me morale support to go through my hinge likes. We want this one guy to respond to her. My fingers fly across the screen begging god to answer her prayers and bring this man to her messages. It’s silly really, the way we talk about men on dating apps. They are just men. Nothing more, nothing less. We ignore the fact that the algorithm doesn’t necessarily want us to find love. The fact that we will probably meet our future husbands through technology is both scary and reassuring. There’s always someone out there. Thank you to the phones that run and ruin our lives. Sometimes it just feels like something to do to pass the time and so that you can say “yeah I’m on the apps like everyone else.” I glance outside as we shoot down the road. The weather is perfect today. It’s late July, but there is no humidity and my straightened hair still looks marginally sleek. I’ve been growing my hair out because it’s summer after all and I can have split ends if I want to.

I think 12-year-old me would like this part of it. That I’m living here and that I navigate the city with such ease now that it feels like 2nd nature. 12-year-old me would like that one of my best friends in the entire world now lives within walking distance of me, granted it’s an hour walk, but I still count that. I think 12-year-old me would like that I’ve had an extremely flirty summer. She would laugh that I’ve spent several weekends kissing men that I’ve found somewhat fun or interesting or attractive. And then I never speak to them again. She would appreciate that I just approach people in public now and strike up a conversation with them. I think 12 year old me would like that I have new found confidence this year. It’s confidence that wasn’t there when I was in a relationship. Or maybe it’s just a lack of care now? I am more myself than ever. 12-year-old me would like that I’m a teacher and I have the summers off to do as I please. 12-year-old would love that (so does 27 year old me). I wear trendy sunglasses now and have more rings than I know what to do with. She’d love that too. I think 12-year-old me would adore all of the amazing female friendships that I have. She would feel excited to order a fun cocktail and gossip over some appetizers.

I get to the happy hour and I gossip with my friends. We get spritzes and cucumber martinis and watermelon margs and zucchini chips and fries and a dip trio and everything is lovely. It’s such a girl restaurant with purple flowers everywhere and we have a great time. I eat too much dip and I feel a bit sick. I get a slight buzz from the alcohol. It’s a good fuzzy feeling. I was wildly hungover last weekend and this is a good respite. Only a few drinks and a beautiful summer night; a recipe for adult nirvana. We go to our favorite Irish pub and we sip more drinks and talk some more. The best part about girlhood is talking in circles about the same thing over and over again. I love being a girl and I love the culture of having a nice cocktail and talking about nothing at all. It’s probably the best part about being an adult.

After that we walk to yet another Irish pub and this one has free popcorn. We put ranch seasoning on it and order another Tito’s with soda. We play the card game called riding a bus, which is really just a glorified drinking game and my friend dares me to go up to the table of men next to us. I do it because frankly, why not? Talking to someone in a bar isn’t about finding someone to sleep with that night, but more so about connecting with someone and having an enjoyable night in the company of someone new. I approach them with the deck of cards and say “So we are going to play a game”. We get to talking to this group of men who are all 27 and friends from THE Ohio State university. They have the type of ego that you do when you go to OSU. Meaning they love themselves a little too much. We talk about the things that you talk about in bars, which is to say “Where are you from? and What area of the city do you live in? and What’s your favorite bar? and What are you doing for work these days? and What are you all up to tonight? and Oh no way do you know her too??” My city is a small town sometimes.

We talk and we talk and we talk in circles. We cover all sorts of topics from local golf courses to Truth Social to how to make blueberry jam to Houston being the worst place on earth to what age we would give our kids access to a trust fund. I talk to this one guy a lot and I give him my number under the guise of sending him the Amazon link to the salt pills that I take. This man is not my husband and in fact he’s really just some guy, but he’s nice and easy to talk to and honestly, what is the harm in sending someone a link? I’ll probably never hear from him, but I give out my number like free candy. It is all networking at the end of the day. We discuss the fact that neither of us really know what we’re doing and we kind of thought that we would have figured it out by now. We thought we would be married with kids and understand the world better. It seems like our 20s are actually just something we figure out as we go. It seems all of life is this way. You don’t just wake up and suddenly become an all-knowing adult. This is news to both of us.

Conversation continues to stir and we start to feel on the outside. Happy hour was now five hours ago and frankly, there’s nothing left for us in this bar. We wave them goodbye and I walk my friend partially home. We are on a main street downtown and everywhere is around us. People are bustling to and from even though it’s 11 PM. I take a picture of us because I’m grateful that we’re 27 and living in the city together. What a gift it is to have her so close to me now. What a gift it is to feel a friendship as beautiful as this one? 12 year old me would relish the fact that I’m not living the exact life that I pictured for myself as a teenager, but that my life sure can be damn good.

She goes home and I continue to walk towards my bus. The bus stop is in the middle of a busy intersection. Cars whizz by me in every direction. The bus lights come blindly towards me and I get on. I walk and balance myself once again on the portion of the bus that connects the two trams together. I respond to random men on hinge, message my mom about feeling insecure lately, put pink lipgloss on, stare at the dirty bag on the ground, click through instagram stories, text my situationship about being near his apartment and I turn on Supercut. We barrel down the road and the dark shadows of street lamps flicker. My head is to my phone and I barely see the world as it shoots past me. The person next to me shuffles, laughter rings through the bus and someone behind me is snoring. I turn the volume up louder.

Another night being 27. 12-year-old me, what do you think?

‘Cause in my head

In my head, I do everything right

When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight

All the moments I play in the dark

Wild and fluorescent

Come home to my heart

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Required listening: Pushing It Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine

There is nothing as bittersweet as a song that makes you cry every time you listen.

One of my favorite songs in the world is Pushing It Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine. It’s genuinely a very sad song and every time I put it on I feel like I’m going to cry. My friend Abby and I joke that whenever we listen to it in the morning, it’s like we didn’t even try to feel happy that day. Someone once said to me that Lizzie is just depressed girl song porn and I have to agree with that, but yet I still love her. Maybe it’s because I got really into this song when I was in a deeply unhappy time of my life, but there’s something about the melancholy of the chords and her haunting voice that creates intense feelings of introspection. In this song, Lizzy is singing about suppressing or pushing down emotions that she’s feeling with a partner instead of addressing them head on. She’s praying that it will work out with this person, even though she’s having all of these doubts and uncertainties. She’s thinking of someone else, maybe a person or a concept when she says the lines “he can’t see what I see / when I close my eyes you erase him”. She’s physically with her current partner, but mentally elsewhere.

The starting lines of the song are direct “I’m in bed laying down naked / he’s inside of me / I love him / kiss his mouth” She paints us a picture of two people in love or at least lust. She states that she loves him and upon first listen it seems like this is the perfect situation. Until the next line where she says “he can’t see what I see”and she reveals that she’s hoping her partner can’t see into her brain.

I’ve always interpreted this song as the ultimate anthem for the over-thinker. I’ve been told by every single person that I’ve ever been romantically involved with that they don’t feel like they know the real me, and they want me to commit to them in a more emotional and vulnerable way. Because of this, I greatly relate to Lizzy‘s plight of being with someone, but having your head be in a completely different place. Whether that be imagining someone else with you or picturing a reality that isn’t the one that you are in. It’s easy to hold back when you’re not sure if they are the right person for you. You can try all you’d like to be present and open and vulnerable with them, but at the end of the day if you know that you won’t stay with them, then it’s probably a fruitless task. Vulnerability requires commitment at a certain point.

In the music video, Lizzy is shown envisioning a dream partner, not someone that she knows, but someone that can emotionally fulfill her more than just physically.

I wanna feel guilty / I wanna feel that it’s wrong

I wanna know peace again / Wanna sing a different song

These lines, I ultimately relate to as someone who’s been with someone so kind and loving that you almost feel guilty for not loving them back. It is similar to that moment in Little Woman where Marmee asks Jo “Do you love him?” and Jo responds “I care more to be loved. I want to be loved.” and Marmee says “That is not the same as loving”. It is such an odd feeling to care about someone deeply and really truly like them, but find yourself simply unable to fully love them. It is the push and pull of emotions, desire and validation. The crux of this song is wanting to be loved and seen so deeply, but feeling unable to with your current partner.

In the song, she calls the person that she’s with “baby and says “touch me more”. This invokes a surreal feeling of intimacy. You can be remarkably physically intimate with another person and verbally mime the act of being in love without feeling it fully. It’s easy to be an actress of love. It’s as simple as a few words. Love can be faked through physicality and words of affirmation. Stepping into the role of “girl in love” is as simple as sweet talking.

The song comes to a crescendo, almost a climax where she switches perspectives and says

Softer, harder, in between

You know just how to get to me

He is stable, you are deep

I know just how to get what I need

The whole song illustrates the separation between connecting through a sexual encounter and connecting mentality. She wants something that has both elements. It is easy to get stuck in a physically fulfilling loop, but feel there is something missing. My friend once said to me “It is remarkably easy to find yourself in a situationship or a relationship where you’re not truly happy”. And I agree. People always think that they would never stay or let that happen to them, but then suddenly you’re in it and making up reasons to have it last. You are trying to grapple with who you are in the partnership and who you are outside of it. How does it all fit together? Isn’t this enough?

The last lines are

He won’t see it when I come

I’m pushin’ it down and prayin’

The lyrics “he won’t see me when I come” is direct sexual imagery, but a deeper message that her partner will not be able to see into her brain and what she’s really thinking. Because again you can be extremely physically intimate with someone, but still holding back. You want to seem like you are fully in it and you don’t want to reveal anything. Not yet.

At the end of the day, Lizzy is illustrating what every single person knows to be true. You can be in a relationship and feel physically satisfied and comfortable, but if you don’t love them, there’s no amount of pushing down and suppressing your feelings that can change that. You just have to decide when you’re ready to give up whatever you have for what you are seeking out. Relationships are never as clear cut as people make them out to be. There probably isn’t a simple answer for anyone and that’s okay. You’ll figure it out. Love is always out there in every form.

Thank you Lizzy for always making me cry and feel existential! I love sad girl music :) May I suggest Night Shift by Lucy Dacus next?

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It’s a random night in June

Everything has changed

I’m in Paris

It’s hot, sweltering even. The sidewalks reflect the heat with shocking acceptance. The sun creates a halo of humidity as it lowers. Sweat slides down my face and legs. My eyes burn and cloud. It feels both suffocating and comforting. I’m not alone in this.

I have a cold. A summer cold. The silliest kind of illness. It’s hot and sunny and yet I am sneezing. Travel flu. A necessary evil.

This June I eat steak frites alone. I dip the crispy fries into thick mayo and sit in silence. You said I wasn’t good at that. Silence. You told me to stop humming. So I did. I catch myself now. But I allow it. A simple pleasure is creating music in your own mind. I eat everything in front of me. I drink bottle after bottle of water until I’m three deep. Encore une eau, s’il vous plaît

Last June I was with you. We were fighting. I’d say I don’t remember about what, but I’d be lying. My memory persists even when I wish it wouldn’t. We made up. Temporarily. I was anxious. We got burgers. They were disappointing.

I was upset. I was confused. I was angry often. I was distracting myself. But we loved each other so it was something you tolerated. In turn, I tolerated myself.

I drifted and wondered. Wasn’t life just getting from one day to the next; week after week until you make it through?

This June I was in Italy. Now I am in Paris. Then I am in the south of France. It’s not all perfect. I still don’t know myself. I came to Paris alone to learn about myself. To make sure I could do this alone. But still I am not sure. That’s okay. I know myself more than a year ago. I believe different things. I trust my instincts again. I know I can do this. I am doing this. I never would’ve done this then.

Life feels new again. I can sit at a dinner table alone and feel the lightness of contentment. I can spoon Grand Marnier soufflé into my mouth and relish in the sweetness of the present. I can witness others happiness and not feel dread. I can be in my head and inhabit myself. I’m not just making it through minutes and hours escaping my brain.

It’s a random night in June. I’m staring at the Seine. It is 95 degrees at 10pm. Friends are laughing, couples are embracing, conversations flow. The sun dips behind the buildings and the lights begin to twinkle. I am all alone. My eyes scan the ever-changing landscape. Let me sit here some more.

And look at how different life is from a year ago.

Side note- I did genuinely spend 30¢ on water this night hahaha and that is almost funny to me. Thank you Paris heatwave

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Are we most ourselves when we are first born or do we become ourselves the more that we go through life?

I was listening to one of my favorite albums of all time, Virgin by Lorde, when I heard these lines in the song, Man of the Year.

You met me at a really strange time in my life

Take my knife and I cut the cord

My babe can’t believe I’ve become someone else

Someone more like myself

Who’s gon’ love me like this?

This song in particular is about Lorde coming into her own identity as a woman. When she wrote Man of the Year, she had just gotten off of birth control for the first time since she was 15 and she felt a deep awakening. She discusses this in her rolling stones article. The entire album centers around the idea of purity and virginity as a concept. Lorde speaks of reclaiming virginity, but more-so reclaiming herself. She challenges the idea that purity is our truest self and instead introduces the listener to the concept of becoming more yourself after you lose your virginity. Virginity isn’t used in the sexual way, but rather as a symbol of going through life and experiencing difficulties to become who you really are.

The argument the album is making is that we cannot be our truest self until we experience hardship and difficulties. We grow up being told that our purity and virginity are our most raw self, but it is the stripping away of those that leads to our truest form. It is an album that is about strength and resilience in the face of struggle. I have listened to this album countless times ever since it came out. She is my favorite artist and the album marks a time of complete introspective analysis and the scary process of discovering oneself.

Society places a big emphasis on virginity and purity as women. We are our truest self when we are children and as we grow we become less desirable and more damaged. In broken glass she sings “I wanna punch the mirror, To make her see that this won’t last” This line is a direct reflection of the internal war that we often put ourselves through when we are becoming who we are. Lorde sings of breakups and sex and eating disorders and discovering herself with the idea that all of these difficulties actually make her more pure. They make her a truer and more full version of herself. The argument here is that the more that we go through, the more that we grow through.

When we are kids we see the world in a very singular way. This makes us naive more than pure. Purity can also be a byproduct of living your life in your truest form. This is something that we grapple with throughout our teenage and 20 something years. Shapshifter speaks to this with the lines “I’ve been up on the pedestal, But tonight I just wanna fall” The entire song details the ways that we change ourselves for others and our relationships, but how over time that mask falls and we are stripped away to our own self. Relationships with others and heartbreak accelerate the work of inhabiting your truest self.

I have often said that the way that someone acts when they are breaking up with you is who they are at their core. The way that someone acts when they are experiencing real distress is a better indication of their truest self than who they are when they are happy and in love. Shapeshifter is a reminder that in our life we take on many different masks and versions of ourselves. But in order to become who we really are we need to have these experiences with other people. You could argue that heartbreak is unnecessary because it is immense pain. However through heartbreak you are able to understand yourself better and consequently become a version of yourself that knows your boundaries, values and identities. Love can cloud your vision, but heartbreak makes everything crystal clear.

David is the song on the album that means the most to me. It was inspired by Michelango’s David and discusses power dynamics, people pleasing and being stripped away from yourself by someone else. I listened to this song religiously when it first came out. David goes back to the central message of the album which is that in order to become ourselves, we often hurt ourselves in the process. Self sabotage is inevitable on the way to reclaiming our autonomy. The lyrics “If I’d had virginity, I would have given that too, Why do we run to the ones we do?” Reinforces this idea of people-pleasing and giving our entire self to someone else, but not expecting anything back. It’s asking the question of why we continue to allow ourselves to be made smaller by those around us. It comes back to the idea that love, lust and devotion can cloud your vision. Love can cloud your mind and your understanding of self.

I made you God ‘cause it was all

That I knew how to do

Sometimes we put ourselves into a box and try so hard to appease the people around us. We put others on a pedestal and forget that they also are still becoming who they are. We are not God and they are not God. No amount of pleasing people and idolizing will accomplish that.

The album ends with the lines:

Am I ever gon’ love again?

‘Til you understand

Tell it to him

In Man of the Year, Lorde asks “Whose gonna love me like this?” And by the end of the album she is asking “Am I ever gon’ love again”. This speaks to the personal growth and suffering that she experienced throughout the relationship she sings about. She is no longer wondering who will love and accept her, but instead asking when she will be ready for love again. At the beginning of the album she is reaching out and showing desperation for love and acceptance. She is trying to be as pure and giving of herself as a virgin. By the end of the album she is left raw and exposed, but no longer reaching towards someone for validation. She has accepted who she is at the present; even all the unsettling parts of herself. We become the truest versions of ourselves when we experience heartbreak and distress. We let down the facade and we are just left with who we are.

Purity and virginity do not mean that we are the most true forms of ourselves. It is through the detanglement of these beliefs that we discover a stronger identity. When there is nothing to give away, all you have is you, take it or leave it. “I’ve become someone else, someone more like myself.

Heartbreak and suffering is our bridge to others, but it is also our bridge to ourselves. In order to become who I am, I need to experience pain. My purity comes from within. I create myself by knowing myself deeply. I become myself through the hands of others, but mainly through my own. We reclaim our own purity through self discovery. It makes us women. It makes us human.

“It made me a woman, being hurt like that.”

A note- I saw this album performed on her tour in September. I flew to Boston to see it with some of my best friends and consequently my long term relationship ended two days later. Hence the albums impact on my psych at that time. I am seeing her perform again in August and I am genuinely ecstatic. Every time I listen to Lorde I take away something new.

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A note: One of my goals is to write a poem for every month of the year going forward. I started in June and here is my July one. I spent a lovely 3 weeks traveling through Europe and now I am back to enjoy the midwest summer. Cheers to July!

July rushes in

With the sticky heat of summer

Endless travel days

Stuck on trains

Caught in the rain

Drowning in conversation

A steady diet of smooth white wine and crunchy French bread

The sun turns our skin darker, hotter, redder

July is like a good friend

Precariously optimistic

Full of zest and adventure and longing

The dog days of summer

July is red watermelon and sparkling skies and bustling markets and sandy toes

July feels luxurious even decadent almost fleeting

A toffee pudding, a stracciatella gelato, a flaky croissant

Espresso followed by another heavy pour

June was hazy

Full of yearning and longing and wondering

But July opens us up again

The year is only half over

The year has still just begun

July rushes us on

Sweet summer endless days

Never ending nights

Dive on in

Happy summer y’all !

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A note: i’m traveling now, but I wrote this poem before I left and I will be posting my backlog of article drafts :) Besides I am in paris which is the city of writing - Enjoy!

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Do you want another round?

Of course, yes I thought you’d never ask

The bubbles in my head are popping and bouncing. My brain is light and gummy. My eyes feel half empty and half open. My limbs are endless and free.

Titos with soda?

The liquid goes down quickly. Smoothly, as if there’s nothing in the cup.

We talk about nothing at all. The knicks game and someone from school who got married and the world cup and the guys next to us and my upcoming trip and the bar lights and the finicky weather and nothing really nothing.

The drinks are gone, they are like water. My purse vibrates. You text me. I see it and feel internally content, I feel okay. You thought of me. It feels good to be thought of.

We walk home. The air is human. It is light in that way that it can only be on a June summer night. When you are young and you have no responsibilities and nowhere to be and you hardly know yourself at all. Except that you also know yourself so deeply, more than you ever have until now. We laugh and laugh and skip down sidewalks and trade gossip. Humidity makes our hair frizzy and our conversation louder. Our shoes slap the ground and our voices echo through the darkness. We speak of plans for the future, plans of love and plans of fun and plans of freedom and plans of being alive.

You leave. It is empty now. I respond to you. Whoosh, text after text, reply after reply.

I lay in bed. The alcohol is fading, the bubbly feeling is thicker. It turns darker and heavy and never ending. My mind begins to turn. I think of you. Not the you who texted, but the old you, the other you. The you that hasn’t shown up in a while. It’s been weeks, almost months since you’ve taken up space. I’ve done a great job of keeping you away. There’s been other things to focus on and people to see and things to consider and a life that has nothing to do with you. In fact, you have barely been a thought at all. At least mostly, mainly, sometimes, usually, kinda.

My friend had asked about you. Something you said and we discussed and we laughed and we grimaced and we thanked god that I wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t with you and I’m not with you and I won’t be with you. I don’t even know you at all. Now - I don’t know you now.

You text me again. The other you. The you who is in the present, the you who I am seeing in the same way that I once saw you. It’s different though. I am different. I can’t be that person, the version of myself that would give all of me away so freely. I know myself and I barely know myself and I know you and I barely know you.

I toss and I turn and I think of you. I knew you, I knew you then and I don’t know you now and I don’t want to, shouldn’t want to, will not want to, but I can’t sleep and I can’t stay awake.

Ding, I open my phone and I text you back. Fingers fly across the screen, my mind spins and spins and spins and stop. 1am: go to bed, leave it be, put you to sleep, put myself to sleep.

I really shouldn’t have had that last round.

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If you’ve ever met my dad, you know that he is never sitting still. In fact, sometimes he works from home and still get 20,000 steps. Anytime someone comments on my energizer bunny attitude, I point to my father as the source. He has gifted me sarcasm, a pointy chin, height, endless energy, steadfast determination and stubbornness.

He seems to have endless gumption for life. Often you have to warm up to him because if he doesn’t like you, it’s fairly obvious. He’s a very logical and straightforward person. He will tell you exactly what he thinks, and he will not sugarcoat it. This is a good contrast to my mom who is more whimsical and motherly. My dad remains one of my biggest inspirations. He’s one of the few people I know that has accomplished everything that he set out to do with his life without any help at all for. I have extremely supportive parents and he did not- yet he made such a beautiful life for us. I’m forever grateful. I have always said that whoever I marry has to compete with my high standards because my dad set them. He will change my oil without me asking, drop off anything at my apartment, answer questions at all hours of the day, drive to me if I’m in distress, pack and unpack my things when moving, bring me toilet paper, paper towels and other things randomly, clean my car, switch my seat on a plane to a better one, always lift my luggage, build furniture for me, make me coffee before work when I lived at home, and consistently consider me.

Here are some of the phrases I’ve adopted because of him. 

• If you open it close it 

My whole life for as long as I can remember if there’s ever been a cabinet or a drawer or a closet open, my dad has walked past me and said if you open and close it. This applies to other parts of life too. If you take something out, you put it away. If you are prepping something for a meal, you practice mise plas. Everything has a place and every place should be tidy. What’s funny is that my mom is the exact opposite and I definitely take after her. However, I repeat this phrase to my students constantly. 

• Forward never straight 

When I was learning to drive, my dad taught me. He also taught me how to drive stick shift, which he said would impress any man or woman that I’ve ever met. Was he right? Honestly, yes because I break out this fun fact often. Even though I drive stick very poorly and it scares me. It is still so cool that I can do it. My dad adores vintage cars and grew up fixing them as a hobby and a side gig. Whenever we drive or walk anywhere, he comments to go forward never straight. When you think about this logically (and my dad is the most logical person I’ve ever met) you are never truly walking exactly straight. You are just going forward in whatever direction that you choose. 

• Meat is done, people are finished 

I repeat this one often in a restaurant setting or to my friends because again it’s very logical. Anytime we have used the word I am done the corrects us and says meat is done, people are finished. It’s funny because I wouldn’t even say that he has the best manners or vernacular of anyone I ever met, but he can be very particular about certain linguistic wordings. And hey he’s right! Meat is done and people are finished!  

• Those are two mutually exclusive events 

When you are discussing something and you try to relate to things together, but they have nothing to do with one another he will often remark those are two mutually exclusive events. This is one of his phrases that I have taken on myself and I use it when I teach. It’s a very logical approach to life and it is true that often times we try to make meaning where there is none. 

1. You have a computer in your hand 

If you ask my dad a question, he has the tendency to repeat this phrase. Because yes dad we do have mini computers in our hands lol 

My dad has taught me a lot of phrases over the years, but what he has taught me most is to be persistent, hard-working and loyal to the people around you. He remains one of the most hardworking people I have ever met in my life. He is the best dad through his commitment to fatherhood and my mom. He did not have an easy childhood, but he chose to work so hard and make sure that we had an incredible one. He consistently inspires me with his grit and determination. He is funny and energetic and logical and extremely kind. He taught me how to do multiplication, clean a car, fix my bike chain, make a panini, buy stocks, wrap a present, make a mojito, tie my shoes and everything in between. Being a father means showing up and he is always constantly showing up. He is my biggest supporter (he reads every single Substack post and went to every game and every performance and he never complained)

Happy Father’s Day dad- I love you! <3 

Note: if today is a hard day for you for any reason my heart goes out to you

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June arrives slowly then all at once

It creeps in as the temperature rises and the sun stays high

Each summer is brand new

Dripping with the anticipation of endless nights

Stretching into early mornings

Heavy with memories soon to be made

Sticky with the rushed whispers of friends and lovers

Summer means a start as fresh as daybreak

As sweet as Italian ice melting away

As precarious as the ocean waves before they crash ashore

As fleeting as the last sips of lemonade

As thrilling as a first kiss

Summer brings childhood into your 20s

A rewind to what once was

Picnics and sticky fingers

Dancing in the street and sugar rushes

Pool splashes and sunscreen smell

Bbq grills and grass between your toes

Summer means you are only as old as you act

As you feel

As you believe

Each summer is a new chance, a new start

Everything begins again

We are just kids

The hot sun reverses us

The humidity humbles us

The hours give us untethered joy

It’s June after all

Go out and grab it

Note: I leave for a big trip today and it has been two years in the making and I am both nervous and excited and it is summer and I am alive ! A rush a gift a privilege !

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“What’s not meant for you will disappoint you 1000 times before you understand”

A few words before we begin: I’m not here to shame anyone that has stayed in a toxic or wrong relationship. I am not discussing abusive relationships. Please reach out to resources or your network if you need help.

“This year I will be in a long term relationship and get a boyfriend”. I wrote this on my bucket list for the year 2023. In typical me fashion, I had decided that getting a boyfriend and being in a relationship was just a task to complete and then check off on my list of life milestones. It fit in somewhere along the lines of go to college and live in the city and travel outside of the country! Just another thing to get done and check off! I grew up a hopeless romantic, fed a steady diet of Disney movies, then romcoms and the healthy relationships of my parents and grandparents. I figured I just needed to date someone for a year or so and then we would break up and I would find the love of my life and that would be that! It really is that easy everyone! Admitting that now feels insane, but this is how my type A and hyper independent brain worked. I used to view all of life’s decisions as something that I needed to complete in order to experience the things you are supposed to experience. It all was on the five year plan and who was I to try and stray from that? That has now changed. I had a boyfriend and don’t anymore and I understand that love is not some check list you can work through. I realize now that the boyfriend and relationship won’t save you from yourself. But it can make your life infinitely worse without you even realizing it.

I am not saying never get a boyfriend!!!! Stay single forever!!! Because I too want a lifelong partnership one day. I learned countless lessons from my relationship and from dating currently. I would not be the same person I am today without these experiences and I am grateful for that. But what I am here to say is that if you stay in the wrong relationship, your life will be considerably harder. Choosing who to be your life partner is ultimately one of, if not the most important decisions you will make. Pick wisely.

Young women who are actively choosing to be single are on the rise and there’s a reason for that. Vogue posted the iconic article in October of 2025 - Is having a boyfriend is embarrassing now? And in a lot of ways it is; if your boyfriend is actively making your life harder or making you smaller. It is if you’re choosing to prioritize your boyfriend over everything else and everyone else in the world. It is if your boyfriend requires all of your energy and makes you lose yourself in the process.

Society no longer functions in the way where you need a partner to exist. Women have their own income, jobs, houses, friends, partnerships and hobbies. Dating doesn’t give you anything in your life that you can’t achieve alone outside of companionship and sexual pleasure. And even that you can achieve by yourself! And again, I’m not shaming those that are in our relationship or are dating. I am casually dating someone right now and I plan to get married someday. Frankly, I like dating because I enjoy meeting new people and having different experiences. I think it’s helpful to date a lot of different people to see where your standards lie and how to establish your own boundaries. So then why is it that having a boyfriend is so embarrassing? And what is the cost of being in a “bad relationship” or dating the wrong person for you?

Here are some facts:

According to Time Magazine, “Constant emotional strain keeps your body in a prolonged “fight-or-flight” state, which spikes your stress hormones and takes a severe toll on your physical health” Psychology Today states that “people who are in toxic or abusive relationships, actually accelerate their biological aging cycle.” The wrong relationship can have major health implications on your body and mind.

Even if you’re not in an abusive relationship or a toxic one, the wrong relationship can put you in a state of constant stress which leads to a weaker immune system and sometimes real physical consequences. The difficult reality is that oftentimes when you’re in it you don’t see what is causing you to feel this way. You just think that there’s something wrong with you.

When I look at my own life and my friend’s life, it is shocking to me how much dating the wrong person affects our sense of self and our physical and mental health. I was in a relationship for a year and a half. During that year and a half I had so many strange health problems come up that I was convinced I had a chronic illness or autoimmune disease. It was so bad that I even went to see a rheumatologist amongst other specialists (granted I am very into preventative medicine but still). I got strep for the first time in my life and ended up getting it every month for six months straight. I passed out in an airport and hadn’t passed out for 10 years. I had a different cold or flu like sickness at least once a month and took more sick days at work than I had in years. I got the stomach flu multiple times. I had UTI after UTI and yeast infections constantly to the point where I had to take a pill with sex to avoid them. I developed several strange rashes on my lips and arms. I had weird allergic reactions to things out of nowhere. I had chronic pain and nerve tingling throughout my whole entire body. I would have horrible stomach issues all the time and lost weight without trying. Sometimes I felt so stressed that I would start dry heaving before work into a trash can. I was having panic attacks and genuinely the scariest intrusive thoughts many mornings. I felt like I was losing my mind. What had changed in my life? I got a boyfriend. And when did many of these health problems suddenly disappear? When we broke up.

I’ve had other friends who were in relationships and share the same thing. They were sick, both mentally and physically repeatedly throughout the relationship. Dating someone who wasn’t right for me made me literally sick. It was gradual, but apparent. Was it from the stress or just my body telling me wait this isn’t right? “Get out now” it was communicating. This isn’t to say he is a bad person or that I was perfect in this relationship- he’s not and I wasn’t, but we were not right for each other and my body was telling me.

Your body will reject what isn’t right for you a thousand times over until you pay attention. The universe will show you repeatedly what isn’t serving you. Outside of the physical effects, dating the wrong person or having an embarrassing boyfriend, and being in the wrong relationship can affect your sense of self and social circle. You start to doubt your own brain, your own values and lose trust in yourself. The vogue article states that many women feel like posting about your boyfriend is cringe and embarrassing because the dating landscape is so bad and men are constantly under performing. The article also states that many women feel like singleness gives them freedom to do whatever they want.

I feel the same way. It’s very hard for me to want a boyfriend right now because for a while that’s all I wanted. I resented the fact that I’d never been in a serious relationship and when I got it, I was extremely happy for a while. I was so happy in fact that I probably overlooked things that would eventually lead to the demise of the relationship. Because look! Here was this person who I liked, and he actually liked me back. In fact, he even loved me. Let me do everything I can to make this work!

The idea of being in a serious committed relationship again gives me a deep sense of anxiety. I don’t want to be tied down, and I don’t want to lose myself in the process of partnering with someone else again. Not only that, but having to apologize for your partner is one of the most self humiliating acts. It feels like a ritual in self sabotage because here you are apologizing to someone you love on behalf of someone else that you are in love with. Explaining and re-explaining that they were just in a bad mood or having a rough day or sometimes they can come across as a little aloof. But it’s nothing personal I promise! Hahahaha!

I’m friends with people that are very single and people that are very married. Meaning I see both ends of the spectrum. What I’ve taken from it is that if you are in a happy and healthy relationship then having a boyfriend will never feel embarrassing for you because you won’t be doing the emotional labor of having to show the world that your partner is supposedly a good person or the right fit. You are just happy and secure and it shows.

I don’t exactly know where I am on the spectrum right now. Again, I’ve really enjoyed dating someone the past few months after my serious relationship ended. It has validated to me that not every relationship feels the same way and I can feel normal with another person. I am not insane and I won’t become sickly in every partnership. It has given me more confidence in myself and in the way that I set the boundaries, but yet I still do not want to be someone’s girlfriend. The thought of a committed relationship makes me want to break out in hives. Marriage? Laughable. A funny joke. Someone’s girlfriend? Give me a bit longer to recover please. I am still trying to discover who I am.

Is it because I’m afraid of being in love again? Partially, but more-so I’m afraid I could lose myself and then suffer the gut wrenching effects of a breakup. My life is full of love and I crave it deeply. But the thought of being in love with someone again? A scary reality. And I know I won’t always feel this one. One day I will fall in love again and it will feel right and good and calm. As Summer says in 500 Day of Summer “I just woke up and knew, everything I was never sure of with you”.

If you choose to be in a partnership, I feel the best thing you can do is make sure that you are being 100% truthful to yourself about what you want at that moment. If I’ve learned anything from last year, it’s that your body will tell you 1000 times when it’s time to end it. It will show you if it is right and true. It’s up to you if you listen.

Someone on TikTok said “A relationship is a location where both people can breathe”. Ask yourself if you’re really breathing or if you’re just trying to keep both of you from suffocating. It is okay to leave and it is okay to start again. It is okay to choose yourself.

And if you do have a boyfriend or girlfriend, make sure they are a good one :)

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“One Guinness and a shirley temple please”. I shout. “Just a shirley temple?” the gruff bartender barks back. “Yeah no alcohol”, I yell over the dive bar lights. It’s midnight and I am in yet another bar sober on a Saturday. My date sips his beer and I tie a maraschino cherry in a knot with my tongue. I feel the rush of sugar hit me. It gives me an adrenaline high. I was itching to get to the bar and now that we are here I feel relaxed and satisfied. Say what you want about a dive bar, but I love them. They reek of unpretentiousness, regulars and a guaranteed good night. The bar I’m at is my favorite in the city with its dim overhead lights, old couches, basement location, free popcorn and darts/pool. It’s a packed house tonight over memorial day weekend. Everyone wants to start summer on a buzzed high late into the night. My date pulls me out of the way of a drunk guy throwing up onto the floor next to me and I laugh into my red, sparkling drink. The night continues to stretch until we stumble into the cool darkness a little after 2am.

I like drinking, I like cocktails, I like going out and I like going to bars. I like bars even when I’m not drinking and I like cocktails even when I’m not drunk. At the beginning of the year, I set a few misogis for myself. Misogis are a Japanese challenge that is difficult enough for that you may not be achieve it. Some of mine this year are solo traveling for the first time, a month without social media, a sober month and running a mile. Some of these might seem too simple to you, but I use social media daily, I’ve never solo traveled in my life, I’ve been trying to run again for five years and have been in physical therapy for six months, and I tend to drink every weekend.

I picked May as my sober month mainly because it worked the best with my schedule. I didn’t want to be sober in January because the midwest is already depressing enough in the winter. I am going on a big trip in June for three weeks and reasoned that I would be drinking most days of the month. May seemed like a good reset and the perfect month to complete my goal.

One thing about me is that if I set a goal for myself, I’m extremely strict. I tend to be a bit hard on myself and several times throughout the month, my friends and family asked me “why don’t you just have a drink?” But if I broke my goal and had a drink, I would feel like I failed myself. I needed to complete this goal because I needed to show myself that I could do it. I have always shown this level of stubbornness towards myself. I actually did six weeks sober in October. I had planned to do a sober month with my then boyfriend, but we broke up. I was already sober for two weeks before the breakup and decided to stick with the sober month until Halloween. Oddly enough at this time, I didn’t miss alcohol at all. It was incredibly easy. Mainly because I was so sad, crying every day and could barely eat so I didn’t exactly miss drinking. It’s hard to want to drink when you are in distress all day. This time I was very intentional with my sober month and I told everybody about it in my life so that way I would not quit. My friends continually teased me about this. And I get it. It is a bit silly because this is all very self-imposed and truly I can drink whenever I want to. But it’s important to me to stick with what I plan to accomplish. Goals like this give me discipline and teach me something new about myself.

Here’s what I learned about myself:

It showed me alcohol is more of a mental lubricant than a social one.

I am an extremely social person, and I have always said that I could talk to a wall. Even when I’m not drinking, I am very talkative and willing to be friends with anyone. I completely understand that for many people alcohol provides a way to ease social awkwardness. For me, I missed that bouncy feeling in my mind. I missed when you get that slight buzz and the world feels light and the tension in your body releases a bit. I missed having a few too many drinks and feeling like you were floating through the night. I missed everything being hilarious for no reason. However, I honestly think a big issue with this generation is not that people are drinking less, but that people are socializing less. I think that you should be willing to go out to bars and meet new people without the crutch of alcohol. I know it’s easier said than done, especially if you’re not an outgoing person, but I’ve had some incredibly fun nights out and sober. You don’t always need to protect your peace. You can and should put yourself in some mildly awkward social situations.

My heartburn and stomach issues greatly decreased.

This isn’t shocking because I’ve had bad GERD (chronic heartburn) for years. I take prescription medication daily and supplement with tums/pepcid. Back in 2021 I took three months off of drinking completely because my heartburn was so bad that I was losing my voice daily. Even to this day, I do not drink anything acidic or spicy, avoid tomato, chocolate, and fried food. I haven’t had a cup of coffee in almost 4 years and this past year I cut out tea. My most common question at a restaurant or a bar is “How acidic or spicy is this?” It sounds trivial, but genuinely eating something that flares me up, affects me for sometimes up to two weeks. It can give me horrible chest pain, make me lose my voice and keep me from being able to eat anything outside of bread/crackers for days. Having less heartburn was definitely a welcome positive!

I am capable of having fun without alcohol even in alcohol centered places!

I went to bars every single weekend of May. That might seem insane to people if you’re not drinking, but I wanted to spend time with my friends, I am in my 20’s, I love going out and I live in a big city. All you have to do is get a glass of club soda with lime and nobody questions why you aren’t drinking. I dabbled in Shirley temples, fun probiotic sodas (not my jam still), ginger beer, kombucha and a lot of sparkling water. I even went on a bar crawl party bus, completely sober and frankly had an incredible time. This month was a good reminder to me that I am fairly confident in myself and my social abilities so I don’t need the benefits of drinking to be outgoing. The first few weeks were difficult because I was worried that I wouldn’t have fun when around my friends who were drunk. However, I just tapped into my fun and goofy side and enjoyed the night, but without the hangover. Going forward, I’m going to be more cognizant of how much I consume because let’s face it “one more drink” is rarely worth it the next day.

Things it didn’t do:

• Fix my sleep: Frankly, I just don’t get enough sleep and that’s my own fault. I stayed up just as late because again the point of this was not to be less social, but just to drink less. I will say though it was great to not wake up with my stomach on fire, anxiety after drinking, or a wild hangover headache.

• Cure my acne: Honestly my acne has gotten a lot worse over the past two months and I know that it’s hormonal. But often times people will say if you cut out alcohol then you’re acne gets a lot better, but I think that’s on a case by case basis

• Lost weight: I was definitely not trying to lose weight this month at all. But as you know, everyone always says if you cut out alcohol, then you will lose a lot of weight. I don’t drink enough in general to where alcohol affects my weight fluctuation that much. I didn’t change my eating habits at all and the only difference I saw here was I didn’t have any of the bloating that I get after a heavy night of drinking

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Everyone’s relationship with alcohol is entirely their own. You can go through phases of drinking a lot and times when you don’t want to consume anything. My reflections on this month are from someone who is somewhere in between. Alcohol can often feel like the world’s greatest equalizer, a guaranteed good time, a way rid yourself of social anxiety and tension. After college, I went through a phase where I was drinking to the point of almost blacking out every single weekend. I hated my job at the time and I was constantly anxious, and it seemed like the best way to combat that. Some of it was just the age I was, only 23 after all. That’s what you do when you are 23. But getting over a hangover takes more than a few hours at 27. When you’re in your early 20s, everything feels fraught and fragile, so you need the buzz to keep you going, to keep everything airy and light. The older you get the more you realize that the changing landscape of your life is always going to be there and living in a constant state of drunk to come down to hungover means you will miss some important parts.

This month showed me that I can enjoy myself without a social lubricant or stimulation. Sure, sometimes I had a feeling of missing out and at times I wanted that lightness after a long work week. But if anything, it was proof that if you’re willing to still put yourself in social situations, alcohol is not needed for a good time. I am back to drinking in June, but I know now that I can go out on a Saturday night completely sober and still enjoy myself. Yes, there are times when I love to drink and I think there’s something to be said for letting yourself get drunk sometimes. Oftentimes it seems that society has very all or nothing rules with alcohol. You either must be completely sober or you must get stumbling drunk. However, I am perfectly content to be somewhere in between. Drinking socially when I want, having periods of sobriety and on occasion getting fun drunk.

Cheers to that!

Note- Nothing I write here applies to anyone who is living sober due to alcoholism or a harmful relationship with booze. It can be incredibly difficult to be sober and I applaud you for taking care of yourself.

Please let me know your relationship with alcohol or sobriety in the comments :)

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Required listening: Closing Time by Semi Sonic

My brain is a disco ball

The questions and thoughts and ponderings ricochet off each other

Glittering, reflecting the dancing

Bodies pushed together, no hesitations

Drinks poured, inhibitions lowered

The answer isn’t there

The bar lights turn on

And I’m still there

The ball keeps turning

It’s sparkle dulled in the fluorescent

And now I’m exposed

“Last call” it screams

“Closing time"

Open all the doors

And let you out into the world”

The ball keeps spinning

I keep spinning

Thinking, wondering, questioning

Laughter pours out

Glass shatters

“You don’t have to go home

But you can’t stay here”

Sweaty bodies push past

Sticky floors and empty cups

Endless chatter and slurred words

“Every new beginning

Comes from some other beginnings end”

A girl takes a photo of me

A couple kisses under me

I’m still here

Barely

I’m fading

“Time for you to go out

to the places you will be from”

My brain is a disco ball

Until it’s turned off

It can’t stay on forever

“Everyone out” it yells

Unplugged

Goodnight

Goodbye

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