Was I naive in thinking so? After all, I was in jackhammer-free domestic bliss for the majority of my twenties. Suddenly, at thirty, I found myself back in the dating pool, and making new friends who eagerly dished on their encounters in singledom. I nodded along to tales of labia-biting, ghosting, and corny dirty talk. I wasn’t as chummy when drinks with friends turned into swapping stories of the irritating, frantic, overly intense penetration they claim to consistently encounter.

Was decent sex really that few and far between? I didn’t want to believe it. Surely they were picking bad actors, a rogue batch of grown men who hadn’t outgrown this penetrative faux-pas. Feminism and science were at the helm of closing that orgasm gap for single women in their thirties… right? I couldn’t picture my loudmouthed, liberated friends going from swapping sexting tips and clinking glasses to silently staring at the ceiling.

“They’ll maybe slow down for like, two minutes, but then pick it back up,” a single girlfriend of mine shared as she stirred her martini. Another one chimed in, “Yeah, if that’s their style, you just have to let it pass. It’s over soon anyway, not like you have to see them again.”

Eager to conduct some informal field work, I asked for a clearer picture. What made this different from penetration they’d enjoy?
“Oh, no… It’s different from a good pounding. It’s like they’re little jackrabbits for a few minutes,” my martini-sipping friend told us before erupting into laughter. Our other friend agreed, and mentioned that while it is hard to define, you’ll know it when you’re under it.

As a sex researcher and a single lady, I needed more than a girls’ night out to get to the bottom of this. I needed to hear from both sides of the hammering. Since finding honest jackhammerers proved daunting, I started by collecting more definitions from friends who had expressed similar sentiments about being receivers of this kind of penetration.

Jackhamerees, if you will.

My informal participants, a group of women from the US aged 22-36 who had experienced being JH-ed in hetero sex, described it as “rapid,” “disconnected,” “chaotic humping,” “fast but not in a good way.”

They clarified that while sometimes fast and hard is good, it is not this kind of fast and hard. So what exactly makes jackhammering different from a “good pounding” or pleasure that includes a quicker pace or more intensity? Some JHees describe it as “irritating,” “hard to move during it,” “physically annoying,” “happening without any build up,” “no connection” – a mix of physical and social factors.

Some simply described jackhammering as “boring,” which may be the most damning review of all.

How do they react when a partner begins jackhammering? Besides various vague hints to slow down, some describe using their hands to push them away, physically moving them to a slower tempo, or changing positions (getting on top, lying sideways).

“Telling them repeatedly to slow down,” and “not doing anything at all,” either due to annoyance, frustration, or a feeling that it “wouldn’t change anything” or “it would be over soon,” were also expressed. These responses allude to why so many women who want more sexual encounters avoid doing so, not purely due to stigma, but at the risk of disappointment of being dismissed or having their pleasure ignored. Moreover, several women in the group admitted to never enjoying penetration at all, viewing it as merely “his turn” or an obligation to endure.

Not to “not all men” this phenomenon (hear me out!!) but the group was in strong agreement that not everyone who hammers away is a selfish or inconsiderate lover. These sentiments did come up repeatedly, though. Is it possible that there is a behavioral trait connected to this penetration style? To narrow it down, I included one last follow-up: What drives someone to jackhammer? In other words, why do receivers think their penetrating partners are defaulting to this?

I received a lot of similar answers about masculinity, physical prowess, and copying what they see in media, especially porn.

Kylie*, 33, told me:

“They’re all porn-brained. They’re just copying this awful porn they’re watching where people are just pounding away, and the woman is screaming from pleasure because that’s what they want us to want.”

I definitely can see how mainstream porn skews people’s understanding of what pleasure, intimacy, and consent can truly feel like. On the other hand, I have personal experience with people intimately familiar with adult entertainment, and nary a hammer was jacked. Is it the type of porn use? Exposure to other kinds of sex? Or, could something else be happening?

I needed a fresh perspective, so I turned to the best source imaginable, a double agent of sorts: a slutty bisexual man.

Alex* is an unbelievably handsome, charming, 29-year-old who has plenty of experience with so-called “straight” men, lovers across the Kinsey scale, and heart-eyed hetero women. He knows his way around the top and bottom of Hook Up Nation. In true bisexual solidarity, he gave me a neck and scalp massage as he vented about the ins and outs of jackhammering.

“So many guys are in this feedback loop where they get confirmation that (jackhammering) is totally fine. And even when a woman tells them to slow down, they don't really get that they need to cut it out. In my experience, it was very rare that a woman would tell me straight up she didn’t like what I was doing, which I wrongly thought meant I was doing great at sex. In reality, it meant I wasn’t checking in.”

Albeit a bit hazy from the massage, I gathered that jackhammering is perhaps a negative feedback loop on a societal scale. Later, his demeanor shifted as he revealed:

“It wasn’t until I started bottoming that I realized how vulnerable it is to speak up while someone is literally inside of you. It is an intense sensation. And when I would ask (the top) to slow down, they would eventually speed up again because that’s the sensation they were seeking. It usually became all about them again. Sometimes I just felt like a hole. I was reduced to a vessel.”

I sighed and nodded in agreement, knowing exactly the kind of post-sex emptiness that follows selfish partners.

Death Grip for Cutie

It was time to search for the hammerers. Tracking them down was no easy feat, but with an online prompt and some in-person sleuthing, I managed to spark open and honest conversations with American men aged 24 to 40.

As with the recipients of JH-ing, I began with definitions to ensure we were on the same page. The responses included phrases like “faster penetration”, “fast and hard”, “quicker intense movements”. Among my favorite replies (bias, shmias, this isn’t going to an IRB): “railing them super fast,” “darting around in there,” “chaos rhythm,” and “finisher mode.”

A 30-year-old single man in Bushwick confessed that hammering had more to do with his own sensation seeking than putting on a show:

“It just feels really good when I go that fast. I’m basically trying to mimic the feeling of jerking off. I’m not trying to copy anything in porn, at least… not intentionally. I’m just following that feeling, and if someone isn’t saying anything against it, I’m assuming they’re happy with it, too.”

The term “death grip” did come up here, much to my delight (er, bias), which was generally defined as fast, hard masturbating that can’t be easily replicated outside of a firm hand.

A self-proclaimed “reformed jackhammerer” told me that he was once more selfish when it came to sex: “I hate to admit this, but I was basically just masturbating with her body. I was so afraid of connection I didn’t want to be intimate in any way. I learned that if you’re passionate, a woman will bond with you and I didn’t want that. So I just focused on what I wanted.” I once again remembered that familiar hollow feeling from Alex’s remarks.

Many men admitted to performance anxiety, fearing they wouldn’t be able to reach orgasm unless they maintained this rapid, intense pace. They worried about partners who may take it personally if they couldn’t sustain an erection, took “too long” to finish, or couldn’t reach ejaculation while inside them.

Others cited the urge to go faster due to sensation loss from condom use, misinterpreting what their partner meant by going “harder,” or defaulting to this style out of nervousness. At least two mentioned wanting to show physical prowess by going as fast and hard as they could. Perhaps there is a WWE-style penetration arena I’m not aware of? Throughout these jackhammering interviews, I began to see a familiar pattern: women’s definition of performance was akin to playing a role in a production, while men’s was more focused on physical feats.

The nagging dread of being labeled difficult to please is a universal buzzkill.

Performance anxiety can be a two-way street: we have the penetrators terrified of “failing” to finish, and the recipients gritting their teeth through it due to shyness, shock, boredom, or perceived expectation. Sticking to unsatisfying scripts seems safe until you realize what you’ve been missing.

Katherine*, a woman in her forties from Seattle, shared her jackhammering story with me via email:

“I always thought people were exaggerating about loving sex so much. Women in movies and pornos were so thrilled, I convinced myself I was having a good time because I didn’t want to be the odd one out. I had a fling after my divorce that changed everything. My initial reaction was that it was weird because he went so slow at first, like an internal massage. It was incredible. He was tuned in to my body the entire time, using his fingers and words to arouse me while inside. I didn’t know it was possible to crave someone like this. Now I will never settle for anything less.”

A post-divorce loop-interrupter! Maintaining pleasure by giving and receiving at the same time, not just using her to get off and hoping she’d be impressed. Her experience reflects another theme that emerged when discussing the (perceived!) traits in JHers by those who experienced them. The term “entitlement” came up, not to explain all jackhammering, but to explain the “worst” types: those who speed up regardless of cues to slow down. Many JHees shared the feeling of having someone on top or behind them who felt entitled to go as fast and as hard as they wanted, even from the first second of entering. But many of the self-identified jackhammerers I spoke to were led to believe that’s what turns a woman on, or what they must do in order to “perform” well. When raised on a linguistic diet of penetrator dominance, phrases like “railing,” “screwing,” “nailing” effectively poison the well of their capacity for care when entering someone’s body. Notably, those missing from my sources are JHers who would openly admit to entitlement, carelessness, or a lack of consent.

The antidote to jackhammering involves a shift in perspective on penetration, one that Katherine’s story so beautifully exemplifies. She proves that it isn’t selfish to stop settling for unsatisfactory experiences. As for penetrators, a change in perspective isn’t as selfless as we’re led to believe, either. As our reformed jackhammerer put it: “Ironically, focusing on her pleasure made it better for me, too.”

Before we parted ways, I asked my martini-sipping friend the real reason she didn’t interrupt the hammering.
“I honestly just didn’t want to make it awkward.” I shrugged, slowing as we reached the top of the subway steps.
“Are you going to see him again?”
“Not without a hard hat.” She grinned, ducking down to a train running in the opposite direction of home.

I’m Birna Gustafsson, a sexuality researcher, writer, and educator based in New York City. Explicit Studies investigates the raunchiest aspects of sex, gender, health, and culture.

I’m available for private sessions, workshops, visiting lectures, and more via birna.net

Find me on Instagram at bbirna and check out Explicit Studies on IG for prompts, requests for quotes, and calls for submissions.

*names changed for anonymity

In one camp, I’m free to explore all the sloppy, slurpy, eyebrow-raising aspects of sexuality. I chat with Vice about which drugs are best for sex, teach “Queer Cliteracy” to a room of sapphic undergrads, frequently debate what constitutes a “real eater” in interviews and dinner parties everywhere.

Clear across campus, my career takes on another form. I’m up late grading papers on postpartum sexual health, have a university badge tucked into (unsexy) business attire, answer questions about testicular torsion, lecture on dementia and consent.

I’ve been warned that people’s eyes will glaze if I ever mention feminist theory during a blowjob workshop. Conversely, I’ve been made aware that certain sexual health topics are considerably too inappropriate for academic funding. Although when I’ve attempted to close the gap or dabble between these two worlds, I have always found my footing.

I’ve come to love these unexpected intersections in my work, like posing questions on “queering” sex ed before demonstrating fingering techniques. Or researching Amish migration patterns to check for a correlation with Pornhub search data.

So, consider this your formal invitation to the classroom I’m carving out with Explicit Studies, complete with chatty office hours, guest lectures, and field trips. Sometimes I’ll do a deep dive, other times I’ll answer audience questions, and occasionally, I’ll give you homework (it’s fun though, promise).

My work would be incredibly lonely and sparse without audience participation, so here are two forms for your consideration:

For my fellow oversharers, submit your sex stories by filling out this Explicit Studies Story Form. Shy participants are welcome, too, as the details are always shared anonymously.

I also have a Sex Ed Question Form that works as both a topic suggestion box and space to submit your sex ed questions and/or dilemmas you’d like advice on.

You’re always welcome to leave questions, comments, or topic suggestions here on Substack, too.

I’m so excited to share what I have in store for this next chapter.

Until next time,
Birna Gustafsson for Explicit Studies